1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:26,840 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back 5 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:30,040 Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, 6 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:33,519 Speaker 1: old listeners, Wherever you are in the world, it is 7 00:00:33,840 --> 00:00:36,400 Speaker 1: so great to have you here back for another episode 8 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:40,680 Speaker 1: as we, of course break down the psychology of our twenties. 9 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,280 Speaker 1: It is that time of year again. If you have 10 00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:47,160 Speaker 1: been listening all of December, you'll know it is guest month. Wright. 11 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:53,240 Speaker 1: Just bring on interesting, cool, exciting people, experts, yeah, whoever 12 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:56,520 Speaker 1: I really feel interested in talking to to, Yeah, talk 13 00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:59,000 Speaker 1: about their lives and talk about what they're passionate about 14 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:01,760 Speaker 1: and their interests. And so far it's been going amazing, 15 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,640 Speaker 1: and I feel like we've had some really cool conversations. 16 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:09,320 Speaker 1: But our most precious, amazing guest is coming on today 17 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,000 Speaker 1: and that is you, guys. That is you, all the 18 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:15,680 Speaker 1: listeners of the podcast. Every year I do one episode 19 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:18,280 Speaker 1: like this where I call out for you guys to 20 00:01:18,319 --> 00:01:25,000 Speaker 1: send in your questions and your queries and your dilemmas 21 00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:28,760 Speaker 1: as voice notes so that you can be featured on 22 00:01:28,800 --> 00:01:32,160 Speaker 1: the podcast. And today is that day. We had over 23 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 1: I don't know, I think like a hundred of you, yeah, 24 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:40,399 Speaker 1: voicemail me, call in to the podcast to be included. 25 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:45,479 Speaker 1: But I chose just seven questions today to really deep 26 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:49,080 Speaker 1: dive into. So I hope you enjoy and thank you 27 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,840 Speaker 1: to all of you who contributed, whether you're featured or not. 28 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,360 Speaker 1: It was great, honestly just getting to hear your voices 29 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,080 Speaker 1: and being like, wow, look at all these cool people 30 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,640 Speaker 1: that are like that are listening to my podcasts and 31 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:03,320 Speaker 1: that want to be involved, and that's just like exciting 32 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,360 Speaker 1: and different accents and like, yeah, just different voices. 33 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:07,320 Speaker 2: It was like the coolest thing. 34 00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:07,600 Speaker 3: E us. 35 00:02:07,640 --> 00:02:11,640 Speaker 1: Sorry, without further ado, Let's get into it, starting with 36 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:13,639 Speaker 1: this first question. 37 00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,760 Speaker 4: Hi Emma, So I just moved back to my hometown 38 00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:21,360 Speaker 4: in the north of Spain. I've been living in the 39 00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:24,399 Speaker 4: past nine years in Betrade. I studied there, work there, 40 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:28,320 Speaker 4: have all my friends there, and now I have encnjured 41 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:32,480 Speaker 4: the situation that I've moved back to my hometown and 42 00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:36,440 Speaker 4: I actually have to create a social life for myself there, 43 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,600 Speaker 4: and honestly, I don't really know. 44 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:40,280 Speaker 2: How to do it. 45 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:44,480 Speaker 4: I have a couple of friends, they don't really seem 46 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 4: to be that's close anymore. I feel like I have 47 00:02:47,639 --> 00:02:52,240 Speaker 4: to rebuild social connections, but in a way and in 48 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:55,440 Speaker 4: a place where I should have them. So it's very impeasing. 49 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,359 Speaker 4: Let alone the fact of moving back home with your 50 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:02,200 Speaker 4: parents after, I mean, are on your own for nine years, 51 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:05,280 Speaker 4: that's definitely taking a do all of my mental health. 52 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,640 Speaker 4: Thank you, I love your podcast, Thank. 53 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 2: You for your question. 54 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:11,560 Speaker 1: This is a much more common experience than I think 55 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:16,080 Speaker 1: people realize, moving back home to the places of our 56 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:19,200 Speaker 1: childhood to live with our parents after college, or after 57 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,519 Speaker 1: a breakup, or just you know, when things go wrong, 58 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,880 Speaker 1: when things go right. It is actually something that I'm 59 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:27,400 Speaker 1: hearing about and seeing a lot of my friends more 60 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:30,400 Speaker 1: and more. It does put us in a really weird position, though, 61 00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:33,359 Speaker 1: and I feel like this listener described it perfectly. Where 62 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:36,320 Speaker 1: you come back to this environment where you assume that 63 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:38,760 Speaker 1: things might be the same, where you assume you'll have friends, 64 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,680 Speaker 1: and you don't, and you have to rebuild what was 65 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:45,120 Speaker 1: once there and what you had previously. And the thing is, 66 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:48,480 Speaker 1: there's no guidebook. No one teaches us this there's no 67 00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:52,320 Speaker 1: like intro to friendship. Course, there's just this assumption that 68 00:03:52,480 --> 00:03:55,640 Speaker 1: you meet people and they like you and you like them, 69 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:57,960 Speaker 1: and it works out well and you have enough contact 70 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,720 Speaker 1: that you develop a friendship. We all know there are 71 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:05,920 Speaker 1: less opportunities for that anyways. Meeting people through convenient means 72 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:10,760 Speaker 1: like school and like classes and like hobbies and work 73 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,720 Speaker 1: are like some of the only ways to do that. 74 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:16,520 Speaker 1: And when you don't have school anymore, when it's kind 75 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,760 Speaker 1: of hard to fit in your hobbies with work, when 76 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:22,279 Speaker 1: you work remotely, like, it becomes a lot more difficult. 77 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:26,359 Speaker 1: So my advice to you would be this, it's so 78 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,520 Speaker 1: great you already have friends there probably I am assuming 79 00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:34,479 Speaker 1: like you said from childhood. Don't rely on them too heavily. Obviously, 80 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:39,040 Speaker 1: stay in contact, but consider them to just be like 81 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:43,400 Speaker 1: this amazing social safety net that you can go and 82 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:46,080 Speaker 1: talk to about this. But also that you need to 83 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:51,120 Speaker 1: expand out beyond get as in person as possible, do 84 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,840 Speaker 1: things that you feel almost embarrassed about or that are 85 00:04:54,839 --> 00:04:57,120 Speaker 1: going to be a little bit weird, and do them 86 00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: alone as a way to meet new people. And sometime 87 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,120 Speaker 1: t to have that desperation like really forced you to 88 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:06,720 Speaker 1: interact with people you might not otherwise have. So what 89 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,320 Speaker 1: I mean by that is, I need you to be 90 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:15,920 Speaker 1: going to pub nights, choir nights, pottery classes. I need 91 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,799 Speaker 1: you to be going to lecture nights, especially if they're free, 92 00:05:20,440 --> 00:05:24,960 Speaker 1: like events at the local library bars, trivia nights like 93 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:29,880 Speaker 1: things like that, by yourself or by inviting people that 94 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,880 Speaker 1: you might not know that well with just giving them 95 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,280 Speaker 1: the invitation and being like, hey, would you want to 96 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:38,600 Speaker 1: do this? Yes or no? Being the instigator. 97 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:39,320 Speaker 2: I talk about this. 98 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:43,200 Speaker 1: So much on my episodes about friendship, but being the instigator, 99 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:47,760 Speaker 1: like is a role that isn't filled in our society 100 00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:50,200 Speaker 1: as much anymore. But everybody is craving somebody who will 101 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,640 Speaker 1: do it. Everybody wants the friend who's going to plan 102 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:56,560 Speaker 1: the group trips, who is going to make sure you 103 00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 1: have Wednesday night plans, make sure you have Friday night plans. 104 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,880 Speaker 1: If you do not have that, be that be the 105 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,760 Speaker 1: one who like puts their heart on the line to 106 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:10,279 Speaker 1: make community for others, and people will just flock to 107 00:06:10,320 --> 00:06:14,440 Speaker 1: you like It's seriously, is magnetic? How many people are 108 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:18,159 Speaker 1: looking for somebody like that in their life. The other 109 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:21,320 Speaker 1: thing I would say that you should do is I 110 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,080 Speaker 1: think I talked about this in like an episode I 111 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:26,440 Speaker 1: did on moving to London. Another thing, I think you 112 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,120 Speaker 1: should do it and I said this, and I talked 113 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:32,240 Speaker 1: about this on my episode about moving to London. Asked 114 00:06:32,279 --> 00:06:34,279 Speaker 1: to be set up with friends of friends. 115 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:35,680 Speaker 2: Ask if there. 116 00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:37,240 Speaker 1: Are people that you know who know people in the 117 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:39,800 Speaker 1: area who they think you would like, and just do so, 118 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:43,160 Speaker 1: like unabashedly and unashamedly be like, Hey, I like your 119 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:45,200 Speaker 1: friend Mark, Like do you think you'd ever want to 120 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,440 Speaker 1: hang out with me? Like platonically, Hey I like your 121 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:51,680 Speaker 1: friend Rebecca, Like can we do something altogether making those 122 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:56,359 Speaker 1: connections through other connections like seeing humanity in friendship, like 123 00:06:56,400 --> 00:07:00,200 Speaker 1: the chain link that it is is so valuable. And 124 00:07:00,279 --> 00:07:05,440 Speaker 1: also this is unrelated but entirely related. Know that time 125 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:09,280 Speaker 1: is sometimes the most significant factor when we look at 126 00:07:09,279 --> 00:07:15,320 Speaker 1: what makes people friends. Yes, similarity is important, convenience is important, 127 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:20,080 Speaker 1: trust is important. Time is the biggest factor, you know. 128 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:23,840 Speaker 1: Dunbar's number dictates the amount of hours you have to 129 00:07:23,880 --> 00:07:27,000 Speaker 1: put into a friend or into an acquaintance for them 130 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:30,600 Speaker 1: to become a friend. It's somewhere like two hundred hours. 131 00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,080 Speaker 1: And you can look at that mountain in front of 132 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,560 Speaker 1: you and be like, how am I possibly going to 133 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:37,520 Speaker 1: do this? Especially with multiple people, and then one day 134 00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,239 Speaker 1: you'll be at the top of the mountain being like, Wow, 135 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:41,800 Speaker 1: we did that, and we are so close and we 136 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:45,520 Speaker 1: have a great relationship because we prioritize each other and 137 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:49,040 Speaker 1: because we took the small moments that we had and 138 00:07:49,160 --> 00:07:52,240 Speaker 1: just like ran with them, and because we compounded our 139 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:54,280 Speaker 1: friendship been our interest in each other over time. So 140 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:58,120 Speaker 1: good luck. I'm sure it's going to be amazing, And 141 00:07:58,240 --> 00:07:59,920 Speaker 1: hopefully I get an update from you in a couple 142 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:02,880 Speaker 1: month's time being like, Hey, I'm feeling a lot better 143 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:06,280 Speaker 1: about this. So yeah, okay, who are we going. 144 00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:09,880 Speaker 2: To hear from next? Let's listen to this one here. 145 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,920 Speaker 3: Hi, Jemma. So I just got out of a three 146 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:18,960 Speaker 3: year relationship, and I'm realizing that I centered my entire 147 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:24,120 Speaker 3: identity around him and his parents, and all my time 148 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:27,840 Speaker 3: and energy kind of went into his goals for our life. 149 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,960 Speaker 3: So I guess my question is how do I go 150 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:34,880 Speaker 3: back to my own roots and figure out what I 151 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:41,240 Speaker 3: want from this life and from my twenties. And I 152 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,560 Speaker 3: just wanted to say thank you, Jemma on behalf of 153 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:49,000 Speaker 3: all of your listeners I think I re listened to 154 00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:52,600 Speaker 3: the episode where you talked about when you know it's 155 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,840 Speaker 3: time to walk away or when to know how to 156 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,160 Speaker 3: know when it's time to walk away about ten times 157 00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,280 Speaker 3: before I did walk away. 158 00:08:59,559 --> 00:09:02,960 Speaker 4: But you have. 159 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:07,640 Speaker 3: Changed my life, and we just want to encourage you 160 00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:09,120 Speaker 3: and please keep doing what you're doing. 161 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,280 Speaker 2: Oh that's so sweet. They always make me. I always 162 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,120 Speaker 2: feel so embarrassed. 163 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:16,640 Speaker 1: That I appreciate, I appreciate the love, and I'm just 164 00:09:16,679 --> 00:09:19,720 Speaker 1: gonna say I am so excited for you, And maybe 165 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:22,199 Speaker 1: that's not what you want to hear, but oh my god, 166 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,199 Speaker 1: I am so excited for you and for this next 167 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:29,200 Speaker 1: chapter and how freaking amazing it's gonna end up being. 168 00:09:29,679 --> 00:09:31,440 Speaker 1: One of my best friends is going through a breakup 169 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:35,319 Speaker 1: right now. I gave her that same advice. Breakups, especially 170 00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,880 Speaker 1: with someone you've been with for a while, ar chaotic 171 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:44,560 Speaker 1: and deeply painful, and sometimes the grief and the guilts 172 00:09:44,559 --> 00:09:47,760 Speaker 1: and all that tangles up together and feels inescapable. It's 173 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:53,040 Speaker 1: also just like such fertile ground for growth. You've already 174 00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,240 Speaker 1: lost this relationship. Sometimes it feels like what else do 175 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,760 Speaker 1: I have to lose? So you're just like so much 176 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:01,679 Speaker 1: more experience you have so much more room for experimentation 177 00:10:01,760 --> 00:10:05,559 Speaker 1: with your life, and because you're just so in touch 178 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,000 Speaker 1: with who you are, because you're not distracted by having 179 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 1: this partner, you're not distracted by dating. You're so in 180 00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:15,480 Speaker 1: your own head and in your own thoughts about your feelings. 181 00:10:15,640 --> 00:10:18,440 Speaker 1: What is going to come next often appears to you 182 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:23,000 Speaker 1: very rapidly and in like great moments of inspiration, Like genuinely. 183 00:10:23,080 --> 00:10:26,600 Speaker 1: That is how this podcast started, was after a breakup, 184 00:10:26,679 --> 00:10:30,640 Speaker 1: because it's just like every emotion is on the surface, 185 00:10:30,679 --> 00:10:34,960 Speaker 1: you're able to intuitively feel them better, and you're also 186 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,480 Speaker 1: keen to do something with your energy and with your time. 187 00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:41,880 Speaker 1: So I'm super excited for you. I honestly think it's 188 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,560 Speaker 1: going to be great. My advice for reclaiming your life 189 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 1: back now that you've descented this man or this person 190 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,960 Speaker 1: and his family and it sounds like all of his 191 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:56,080 Speaker 1: friends as well, is to just firstly reconnect with your 192 00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:59,360 Speaker 1: old friends, be completely honest and say hey, I'm sorry, 193 00:10:59,440 --> 00:11:03,200 Speaker 1: like that relationship took a lot from me, and I 194 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:05,920 Speaker 1: want to say I'm not the person or didn't think 195 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,560 Speaker 1: I was gonna be the person that that happened to, 196 00:11:07,679 --> 00:11:09,840 Speaker 1: but it did. And if you have me back in 197 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:13,480 Speaker 1: your life, I'd be very grateful, be very earnest with 198 00:11:13,559 --> 00:11:17,280 Speaker 1: your feelings towards old friendships. And then, similar to the 199 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:20,959 Speaker 1: advice I gave to the last listener, just hobby your 200 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,000 Speaker 1: life to the max. I want to see a full calendar. 201 00:11:24,280 --> 00:11:27,640 Speaker 1: Some people say, like, distraction after a breakup is just avoidance. 202 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:33,840 Speaker 1: No it's not. It's completely not. It's a healthy coping mechanism. 203 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:35,640 Speaker 1: You are taking your pain and I want you to 204 00:11:35,679 --> 00:11:39,600 Speaker 1: be putting it into all different avenues. Anything that you've 205 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:41,840 Speaker 1: ever thought you might like or that you wanted to 206 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:45,560 Speaker 1: explore now is your chance. Because you just have so 207 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:50,520 Speaker 1: much free time. You're just such an open soul and 208 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,600 Speaker 1: an open wound. There's so much gushing out that, like 209 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,160 Speaker 1: it's just going to ignite so many fires, and it's 210 00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:59,680 Speaker 1: just gonna be honestly pretty wonderful and spectacular what you 211 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:06,439 Speaker 1: end up up discovering about yourself. I will also say read, read, read, 212 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:11,280 Speaker 1: or listen to podcasts, listens to audio books. Some of 213 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,640 Speaker 1: the times like the best way to find yourself is 214 00:12:13,679 --> 00:12:17,240 Speaker 1: by discovering how other people did it and hearing their 215 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 1: stories of how they became passionate about something and how 216 00:12:20,679 --> 00:12:23,480 Speaker 1: they discovered the narrative of their life and how they, 217 00:12:24,200 --> 00:12:27,560 Speaker 1: you know, came back from hard circumstances like taking yourself 218 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:30,600 Speaker 1: out of your mind and out of your circumstances and 219 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:35,120 Speaker 1: seeing other people's lives and what they've done with them 220 00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:38,320 Speaker 1: can be deeply inspirational, and I think also gives you 221 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:43,240 Speaker 1: some of that emotional distance from the breakup that we 222 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,480 Speaker 1: need when we're in those early days of healing, so 223 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,600 Speaker 1: we don't feel like this is all that life is. 224 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,000 Speaker 1: So I keep saying this best of luck, like a 225 00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,680 Speaker 1: rooting for you. We have so many episodes on this, 226 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,880 Speaker 1: by the way, we just did one recently on decentering 227 00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,320 Speaker 1: romance in your twenties, and I think you personally would 228 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:04,760 Speaker 1: really enjoy. So, Yeah, there's so much advice. 229 00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:04,880 Speaker 2: I could give. 230 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:08,120 Speaker 1: I'm going to keep it small and simple. Hobby your 231 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:13,319 Speaker 1: life up, earnestly, reapproach friends, read, engage with material beyond 232 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:17,400 Speaker 1: your circumstances and beyond your breakup, and just know that 233 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,840 Speaker 1: you freaking got this and it's going to be amazing, 234 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:23,520 Speaker 1: even if it's not great. Right now, all right, let's 235 00:13:23,559 --> 00:13:25,240 Speaker 1: move on to our next question. 236 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:29,040 Speaker 5: Hi, there, I wanted to ask your opinion on navigating 237 00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:32,760 Speaker 5: people not liking you in your twenties, whether it's jealousy 238 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,560 Speaker 5: or your personalities clash. I think this is an experience 239 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,559 Speaker 5: many people go through, but when it is happening to you, 240 00:13:38,559 --> 00:13:41,760 Speaker 5: you feel really alone and like it's only ever happened 241 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:45,120 Speaker 5: to you. I know you've made past episodes about the 242 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:49,000 Speaker 5: fear of being perceived and how friendships can change or end, 243 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:53,360 Speaker 5: but I'm talking about specifically when people are purposely mean 244 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,560 Speaker 5: and hateful towards you, what skills you can use to 245 00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:00,440 Speaker 5: process those emotions and move forward from it. Feeling of 246 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:04,079 Speaker 5: being misunderstood by others and judged by others, and how 247 00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:08,680 Speaker 5: not to let that shake your core or kind of 248 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:13,560 Speaker 5: send you into this very very big spiral. I just 249 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:19,120 Speaker 5: find that a lot of episodes are very very good 250 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:23,200 Speaker 5: to relate to, but when people are purposely mean in life, 251 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,200 Speaker 5: it's not perceiving them to be like that. It's a 252 00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,240 Speaker 5: real experience. So I would just ask your opinion on 253 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:32,040 Speaker 5: how to navigate that, how not to become consumed by 254 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:37,880 Speaker 5: people's negativity towards you or being misunderstood, and how to 255 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:41,480 Speaker 5: just move forward from it all and not be held 256 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:44,000 Speaker 5: down by the weight of it. Thank you. 257 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,960 Speaker 1: Oh, I love this question. I love this question because 258 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,480 Speaker 1: it's been something I've been thinking about a lot, and 259 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:54,720 Speaker 1: I love that you made that distinction. It's not perception. 260 00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:59,560 Speaker 1: This is actually happening. I've had this happen a bit 261 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:03,360 Speaker 1: recently with just like some online hate that I've been getting, 262 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:07,040 Speaker 1: which I have this theory that if like you reach 263 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,680 Speaker 1: a certain level of followers or certain level of listeners, 264 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:13,400 Speaker 1: like there's that's when people just come and they find 265 00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,680 Speaker 1: you and they want to bring you down and they 266 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:19,480 Speaker 1: want to be not just critical, because criticism it's actually 267 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,760 Speaker 1: something I enjoy and that I do respond respond to. 268 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,480 Speaker 1: It's gonna say respond well to. I don't, but I 269 00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,880 Speaker 1: do try and respond better to. But this kind is 270 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:33,640 Speaker 1: this kind of person that just like maliciously gets something 271 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:41,200 Speaker 1: out of making your day worse and hating on you 272 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:45,640 Speaker 1: and ruining your reputation and being hurtful and spiteful. And 273 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:49,400 Speaker 1: when I encounter these people, I do this thought exercise 274 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:55,720 Speaker 1: that really helps me have not just neutrality, but kindness 275 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:59,360 Speaker 1: towards these people, because really my ambition and my goal 276 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,640 Speaker 1: is when this happens, is to have forgiveness and love 277 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:05,320 Speaker 1: towards these people, because I find that that's like the strongest, 278 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:09,080 Speaker 1: deepest antidote to them being able to hurt you. And 279 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,320 Speaker 1: how I do it is I think about the times 280 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:16,760 Speaker 1: when I've been in that mindset, when I have been 281 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:20,080 Speaker 1: maybe not hateful. I don't think that, I actually really 282 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:22,480 Speaker 1: don't think I ever have been hateful. But what I've 283 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:28,800 Speaker 1: been angered at somebody, when I've been judgmental of somebody, 284 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:34,040 Speaker 1: when I've perhaps gossiped about somebody, when I've been furious 285 00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,400 Speaker 1: as somebody who cut me off, And I think about 286 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:38,840 Speaker 1: how the reaction that left on my body and on 287 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,880 Speaker 1: my heart and on my mind, And it's never been good. 288 00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:48,560 Speaker 1: It's never been good. It's always left me exhausted, kind 289 00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:54,280 Speaker 1: of terrified, tired. I feel the ugliness in me right. 290 00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:58,040 Speaker 1: It's that roll dyal quote from the Twigs, like if 291 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:01,160 Speaker 1: you are you can be the most beautiful person in 292 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:03,720 Speaker 1: the world, but if you think terrible, ugly thoughts about others, 293 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:07,640 Speaker 1: you'll never be truly beautiful. Meanwhile, like you could be 294 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,879 Speaker 1: objectively unattractive, but if you think good, positive thoughts, beauty 295 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,040 Speaker 1: will always like shine out. 296 00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:14,119 Speaker 2: Of your face like a million flowers. 297 00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:17,240 Speaker 1: I'm obviously butchering that quote, but I think about that, 298 00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:21,160 Speaker 1: and I think about how this cruelty and meanness must 299 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,800 Speaker 1: be manifesting in them to such an intensity that it's 300 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:29,639 Speaker 1: able to be projected onto you. And having that empathy 301 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:33,320 Speaker 1: also makes me realize this has nothing to do with me. 302 00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:39,760 Speaker 1: Ninety percent of people's opinions, criticisms, perceptions of you, cruelty 303 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:43,320 Speaker 1: towards you, is just a real deep reflection of something 304 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:46,600 Speaker 1: within them. And I know that's probably advice or things 305 00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:50,479 Speaker 1: that you hear. You hear that a lot, and then 306 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,480 Speaker 1: when you really think into that, like sometimes it just 307 00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:55,800 Speaker 1: hits when you're like, oh gosh, yeah, Like they want 308 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:59,760 Speaker 1: to pull me down because to see me succeed would 309 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:04,399 Speaker 1: prove everything about them that they don't like. They want 310 00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:07,720 Speaker 1: to criticize me because I'm friends with somebody else because 311 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,000 Speaker 1: deeply they are deeply jealous because they don't feel worthy 312 00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,119 Speaker 1: of friendship in the first place. There's all these like 313 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:19,399 Speaker 1: deep psychological cognitive explanations for white people behave like this. 314 00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:24,080 Speaker 1: Understanding that more is the first step, and the second 315 00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:28,160 Speaker 1: step is not just to ignore it, is to appreciate it, 316 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,600 Speaker 1: take what you can from it, and then just let 317 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,960 Speaker 1: it go. Take what you can from it, because sometimes 318 00:18:35,119 --> 00:18:39,399 Speaker 1: there is genuine criticism in someone's words. Sometimes it's not, 319 00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:42,439 Speaker 1: but if there is even a nugget of it, that's great. 320 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,560 Speaker 1: They've given you a gift. The rest of it you 321 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:49,800 Speaker 1: can literally just throw away. Sometimes getting existential and realizing 322 00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:53,359 Speaker 1: how short life is is also really valuable to me. 323 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:56,200 Speaker 1: Not just how short life is, but how small each 324 00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,919 Speaker 1: of us is and how small our circumstances are in 325 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:02,080 Speaker 1: the broad scheme of things is really valuable to me. 326 00:19:02,119 --> 00:19:04,880 Speaker 1: And it's not I don't do it to make myself 327 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:08,600 Speaker 1: feel bad or feel like I'm overreacting, not at all. 328 00:19:09,359 --> 00:19:12,240 Speaker 1: I just do it because it gives me perspective and 329 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:17,080 Speaker 1: it allows my center, my emotional orbit, to not be 330 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,639 Speaker 1: this other person because neither of us really matter that much. 331 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:25,479 Speaker 1: Their opinion doesn't really matter about me, like their opinion 332 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,879 Speaker 1: of me doesn't really matter. My opinion of them doesn't 333 00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:32,719 Speaker 1: really matter. And having that kind of detachment almost and 334 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:38,200 Speaker 1: that big picture, out of earth experience or perspective, lets 335 00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,080 Speaker 1: you just roll with the punches a little bit more. 336 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,360 Speaker 1: My final piece of advice on this is like, if 337 00:19:44,359 --> 00:19:46,399 Speaker 1: you can, I know it's hard, if you work with 338 00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:50,159 Speaker 1: somebody or if they're family. I'm a big fan of 339 00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:55,000 Speaker 1: the block button, you know what, Like you just just 340 00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:58,080 Speaker 1: block them, just don't be part of their life as 341 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:01,560 Speaker 1: much as you possibly can. And I know that you're 342 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,439 Speaker 1: going to think that's going to change how your friends 343 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:05,280 Speaker 1: maybe perceive you, especially if you're in a friendship group 344 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:10,520 Speaker 1: together or anything like that. But you know, people make 345 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,760 Speaker 1: up their own minds about people, and they see a 346 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,560 Speaker 1: lot more than you think they do, and they can 347 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:17,919 Speaker 1: tell a lot more than you need to tell them. 348 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:21,159 Speaker 1: So let people make their own opinions and own judgments 349 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,560 Speaker 1: about these people. I'm sure they will definitely come around 350 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,640 Speaker 1: to the right opinion and see what is happening. Don't 351 00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,840 Speaker 1: try and force them, and just do whatever it takes 352 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:33,400 Speaker 1: to Yeah, I guess protect your peace. I hope that's 353 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,840 Speaker 1: the advice that you were looking for. And best of luck. Okay, 354 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,200 Speaker 1: we're going to take a short break here. 355 00:20:38,119 --> 00:20:41,199 Speaker 2: But when we return, we have some more listener questions, 356 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:52,320 Speaker 2: so stay tuned. Okay, welcome back. Let's listen to some 357 00:20:52,600 --> 00:20:56,479 Speaker 2: further questions from you guys a listeners, starting with this 358 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:57,040 Speaker 2: next one. 359 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:00,640 Speaker 6: Hey, g Emma, this is a note from London in England. 360 00:21:01,880 --> 00:21:03,880 Speaker 6: Very excited to have you in the city soon. 361 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:09,120 Speaker 7: Just really love your podcast, and it really really resonates 362 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:11,240 Speaker 7: with so many of my friends and me, especially when 363 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:16,240 Speaker 7: we've hit this weird late twenties era, struggling post COVID 364 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:20,240 Speaker 7: and trying to navigate our way through this strange time. 365 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:25,120 Speaker 7: One dilema I had that I'm really struggling with is 366 00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,280 Speaker 7: every year I think that I'm going to get closer 367 00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,679 Speaker 7: to figuring it all out, quote unquote with my career, 368 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:35,520 Speaker 7: with relationships, with money, with what I want to do, 369 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:38,200 Speaker 7: and the older I get, the more and more I'm 370 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,840 Speaker 7: actually feeling like I know less and less. I don't 371 00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:44,840 Speaker 7: know what I'm doing. I'm struggling to save money because 372 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:48,000 Speaker 7: I'm torn between living in a city that's cool versus 373 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:49,159 Speaker 7: saving for a house. 374 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:51,840 Speaker 6: I don't know whether to travel, I don't like my job. 375 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:56,280 Speaker 6: I feel so confused and lost, and I'd just like 376 00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:59,800 Speaker 6: to ask, do you think we ever figure it all out? 377 00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:02,840 Speaker 6: And what is the best course of action when you 378 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,200 Speaker 6: genuinely don't know which path in front of you is 379 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:07,880 Speaker 6: the right one to take? Thank you. 380 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,160 Speaker 2: Well, big questions. 381 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:15,880 Speaker 1: Quite simply, no, I don't think we figure it all out. 382 00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:20,919 Speaker 1: I also have this deep philosophy that we we're not 383 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:25,960 Speaker 1: meant to that when we stop striving, Like, what's the 384 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:29,200 Speaker 1: point of being here? You know, what's the point of 385 00:22:29,320 --> 00:22:33,520 Speaker 1: like inhabiting this world and like and learning more Like 386 00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:36,399 Speaker 1: to have all the solutions and to know why it 387 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,080 Speaker 1: all happens, and to have it all figured out and 388 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:41,000 Speaker 1: to have the perfect plan and for that plan to 389 00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,480 Speaker 1: be executed kind of takes all of the fun out 390 00:22:43,480 --> 00:22:43,720 Speaker 1: of it. 391 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,320 Speaker 2: Obviously, life's peaks and trusts can. 392 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:51,879 Speaker 1: Be really really tough sometimes and like a real freaking struggle. 393 00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:54,600 Speaker 1: And I'm sure this advice or this perspective is maybe 394 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:58,200 Speaker 1: not the one some of you want to hear, but really, like. 395 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,280 Speaker 2: This is this is life. 396 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:03,240 Speaker 1: Life is actually not the times when it's all going well. 397 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:05,840 Speaker 1: It's the times that you struggle and you push through 398 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:09,359 Speaker 1: and you have to just trust your instinct and trust 399 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:14,000 Speaker 1: your desires and just kind of get some battle scars 400 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:16,280 Speaker 1: from it all. Like that's really the proof that you 401 00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:19,439 Speaker 1: are living. It's definitely difficult when you're like there's a 402 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,560 Speaker 1: million fires going right now, Which one do I? Which 403 00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:26,199 Speaker 1: one do I address first? I think you just have 404 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,280 Speaker 1: to ride the wave and just break it down one 405 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:32,320 Speaker 1: at a time. You hate your job, like you know 406 00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:35,480 Speaker 1: what that can be your focus for six months. Let's 407 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:39,080 Speaker 1: get this part of life feeling good for now and 408 00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:41,879 Speaker 1: maybe that will change. But just making sure that you 409 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:44,680 Speaker 1: are taking deliberate actions towards the areas where you feel 410 00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:48,400 Speaker 1: dissatisfaction is really important, so that you don't just feel 411 00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:51,720 Speaker 1: at the behest of your circumstances. What was the second 412 00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:53,399 Speaker 1: part of that question as well, like how do you 413 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:58,040 Speaker 1: know when to make what decision to make? What I 414 00:23:58,080 --> 00:24:01,719 Speaker 1: always go with because again there's no right answer. Is 415 00:24:03,119 --> 00:24:04,959 Speaker 1: I just think about which one I'm gonna regret not 416 00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,600 Speaker 1: doing the most? You know, what is the thing that 417 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:13,280 Speaker 1: I'm maybe going to turn around at seventy eighty god 418 00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:16,760 Speaker 1: willing and be like God, I wish I had done that. 419 00:24:17,400 --> 00:24:20,679 Speaker 1: Can I see myself talking about this opportunity I have 420 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:24,000 Speaker 1: now like that? Can I see myself, you know, not 421 00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:28,000 Speaker 1: traveling and having that thought. Can I see myself, you know, 422 00:24:28,119 --> 00:24:30,919 Speaker 1: not staying in the city a little bit longer and 423 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,960 Speaker 1: having that thought. Whichever one I have the most like 424 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,760 Speaker 1: kind of gut reaction of maybe future regret towards is 425 00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:42,679 Speaker 1: the one I know that I should do. And you 426 00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:45,399 Speaker 1: can do pro cons list with that as well. But 427 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:49,240 Speaker 1: part of like figuring life out as much as you 428 00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:52,840 Speaker 1: can or making right decisions. It's just getting really clear 429 00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:56,960 Speaker 1: on what your gut is telling you, and really clear 430 00:24:57,080 --> 00:25:02,000 Speaker 1: on what your values are, what you really want, what 431 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:04,359 Speaker 1: you really want to see happen in your life in 432 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:06,200 Speaker 1: the next five years, and what is going to be 433 00:25:06,240 --> 00:25:07,800 Speaker 1: aligned with that versus what is going. 434 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:08,479 Speaker 2: To detract from that. 435 00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:11,080 Speaker 1: One more exercise I do that I find really helpful 436 00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:14,080 Speaker 1: is what my friends actually told me about this, and 437 00:25:14,119 --> 00:25:17,119 Speaker 1: I even put it in my book, which is, don't 438 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:22,480 Speaker 1: imagine everything going right. Don't imagine your dream life. Imagine 439 00:25:22,920 --> 00:25:26,199 Speaker 1: a day in your life in ten fifteen years. It's 440 00:25:26,240 --> 00:25:27,240 Speaker 1: a really happy day. 441 00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:28,840 Speaker 2: And what are you. 442 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:32,199 Speaker 1: Doing, who are you seeing, who are you around, Who 443 00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:34,200 Speaker 1: do you have dinner with, what kind of bed jets 444 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:38,560 Speaker 1: do you wake up on? In what neighborhood? What about 445 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:42,800 Speaker 1: that makes you so happy? What about that future life 446 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:45,600 Speaker 1: makes you happy? How can you bring that into your 447 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:47,680 Speaker 1: life now? Not just in terms of decisions to get 448 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:50,000 Speaker 1: you to that future, but in terms of just like 449 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:54,080 Speaker 1: daily feelings of joy. What can you do right now 450 00:25:54,359 --> 00:25:57,080 Speaker 1: to make this a great moment that you'll appreciate, even 451 00:25:57,119 --> 00:25:59,880 Speaker 1: if it's not exactly where you want to be yet. 452 00:26:00,119 --> 00:26:03,119 Speaker 1: So yeah, that is my advice for that lovely listener. 453 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:04,920 Speaker 1: And also thank you for welcoming me to London. 454 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:07,520 Speaker 2: I should have addressed that I really appreciate that. 455 00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:10,120 Speaker 1: Hopefully I get to meet you at an event soon 456 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,560 Speaker 1: and we can we can talk more about it. I 457 00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:14,400 Speaker 1: feel like I can. I can say a lot more. 458 00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:18,200 Speaker 1: All right, our next question here we go. 459 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:19,679 Speaker 4: Hi, Jimmy. 460 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,520 Speaker 8: So my dilemma is how do you deal with evolving 461 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:27,840 Speaker 8: friendships and how do you end the friendship in your twenties. 462 00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:30,800 Speaker 8: So I have a friend that I've known for many, 463 00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:33,600 Speaker 8: many years, and we were very very close for a 464 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,680 Speaker 8: very long time. But over the past couple of years, 465 00:26:37,880 --> 00:26:40,000 Speaker 8: there's been a build up of some things that have 466 00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:42,159 Speaker 8: made me think that this is a friendship that no 467 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,680 Speaker 8: longer serves me. And it's kind of been a combination 468 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:49,639 Speaker 8: of the way I've been treated in a few different 469 00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:53,960 Speaker 8: situations and also the fact that we are leading very 470 00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:58,040 Speaker 8: different lives from each other, and a lot of the 471 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:03,679 Speaker 8: decisions she makes against my values and things that I 472 00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:07,000 Speaker 8: really believe in as a person. And so for that reason, 473 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:10,720 Speaker 8: I've been finding it hard to still be. 474 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:11,440 Speaker 2: Friends with her. 475 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,800 Speaker 8: And anyway, without going to too much detail, this is 476 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:18,639 Speaker 8: a friendship that I no longer want in my life, 477 00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:21,879 Speaker 8: and I'm not really sure how to end it. I 478 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:25,040 Speaker 8: have brought up with her a little bit about how 479 00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:27,200 Speaker 8: I don't agree with some of the things that she's done, 480 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:29,879 Speaker 8: and I've asked her not to speak to me about 481 00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:31,640 Speaker 8: some of the stuff that she's doing because it makes 482 00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:35,920 Speaker 8: me uncomfortable, and she's been fine about that, but she's 483 00:27:35,960 --> 00:27:41,080 Speaker 8: also been quite resistant to any suggestion that, hey, maybe 484 00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,840 Speaker 8: we're very different people than we were when we became friends. 485 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:46,960 Speaker 8: So how do I kind of move forward? 486 00:27:47,359 --> 00:27:50,639 Speaker 1: Okay, this is a common dilemma, and I'm going to 487 00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:54,120 Speaker 1: be completely honest, it is one that I have definitely 488 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:57,160 Speaker 1: had before, and I think I've done the wrong thing. 489 00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:00,439 Speaker 1: So knowing that, I'm going to hopefully give you advice 490 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:04,440 Speaker 1: on how to do the right thing. Firstly, the care 491 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,439 Speaker 1: that you have for your friend, despite the fact that 492 00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:08,840 Speaker 1: you don't want to be friends with her anymore, is 493 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:12,160 Speaker 1: really beautiful and shows that you actually probably deserve much 494 00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:14,560 Speaker 1: better friends. The fact that you're wanting to do this 495 00:28:14,600 --> 00:28:18,320 Speaker 1: with kindness and with love is just a really big, 496 00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:20,760 Speaker 1: huge testament to your character. So I want you to 497 00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:24,840 Speaker 1: know that, just to get that clear off the bat, 498 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:28,159 Speaker 1: I'm hearing that you've tried to have these conversations before. 499 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:32,240 Speaker 1: I think that if you are truly committed and truly 500 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,240 Speaker 1: in your mind like we are not going to be 501 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:38,640 Speaker 1: friends anymore, you need to sit this friend down and 502 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:44,240 Speaker 1: have a huge heart to heart. I have had friendships 503 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:47,200 Speaker 1: in the past, not to go into too much to detail, 504 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,240 Speaker 1: because I still have a lot of respect for these people, 505 00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:52,040 Speaker 1: but that just haven't worked because we were different people, 506 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:55,600 Speaker 1: because we our characters just want to align. Our values 507 00:28:55,640 --> 00:28:57,880 Speaker 1: want aligned. Doesn't mean they were bad, doesn't mean they 508 00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:00,280 Speaker 1: were awful. There were things they did that hurt me 509 00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:02,120 Speaker 1: that I didn't agree with, and probably things that I 510 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:02,720 Speaker 1: did as well. 511 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:04,480 Speaker 2: The biggest regret. 512 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:09,400 Speaker 1: I have is that I didn't have the I don't know, courage, grace, knowledge, 513 00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:12,080 Speaker 1: foresight to have a sit down conversation with that person 514 00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:14,880 Speaker 1: and say our friendship has meant so much to me 515 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,560 Speaker 1: and I really do love you and I care about you. 516 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:21,560 Speaker 1: Almost like a breakup, but like you know, our time 517 00:29:21,560 --> 00:29:24,040 Speaker 1: has come, our time has come to move on, and 518 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:25,720 Speaker 1: I hope you can understand it. 519 00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:28,320 Speaker 2: And here are my reasons and. 520 00:29:30,040 --> 00:29:32,440 Speaker 1: Here's your space to talk about maybe probably some of 521 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:36,680 Speaker 1: your grievances or some of your reasons. But here's my 522 00:29:36,720 --> 00:29:40,200 Speaker 1: love on a platter. Take it with you. You'll always have it. 523 00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:42,840 Speaker 1: It's yours to keep, but we need to find it 524 00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:47,120 Speaker 1: a new direction. So I think writing down what's really 525 00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:50,880 Speaker 1: driving this feeling, having the courage to have a sit 526 00:29:50,960 --> 00:29:53,959 Speaker 1: down chat with her, knowing that you might get a terrible, 527 00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:57,200 Speaker 1: bad reaction, but also knowing that later down the line, 528 00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:01,680 Speaker 1: I think she'll probably appreciate the closure is super important, 529 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:04,920 Speaker 1: I think. And if that's not what you want to do, 530 00:30:05,080 --> 00:30:06,880 Speaker 1: and if there's something else, the other different way you 531 00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:10,240 Speaker 1: want to approach it, just think if I was in 532 00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:12,840 Speaker 1: her shoes, how would I want this situation to be 533 00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:17,360 Speaker 1: approached if I because it sounds like she probably doesn't 534 00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:20,200 Speaker 1: know that this is common, But like if I had 535 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:22,720 Speaker 1: this huge character flow or this part about me that 536 00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:25,920 Speaker 1: you know, I wasn't really ready to address and it 537 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:28,160 Speaker 1: was going to cost me a friendship, how would I 538 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:31,800 Speaker 1: want somebody to approach that in the most honest, kind, 539 00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:35,760 Speaker 1: gentle way. And that's just that's a question you have 540 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:38,560 Speaker 1: to answer for yourself, but that is the way that 541 00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:39,200 Speaker 1: you should do it. 542 00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:40,280 Speaker 2: Good luck. 543 00:30:40,360 --> 00:30:43,400 Speaker 1: You sound like sound like a genuinely lovely person, and 544 00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:46,000 Speaker 1: I'm really sorry that the friendship has ended up this way, 545 00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:50,840 Speaker 1: but it is unfortunately a part of life, and you're 546 00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:52,040 Speaker 1: handling it with grace. 547 00:30:52,240 --> 00:30:56,880 Speaker 2: So that's the best we can do. Okay, next question. 548 00:30:57,520 --> 00:31:00,600 Speaker 9: Hi Jammer. So in order for me to ask question, 549 00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:02,360 Speaker 9: I just want to give a little bit of background 550 00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:07,440 Speaker 9: information and context. I am twenty five, i am married, 551 00:31:07,520 --> 00:31:10,960 Speaker 9: I'm in my final year of pursuing a degree in psychology. 552 00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:14,400 Speaker 9: I want to pursue a master's. I am very fulfilled 553 00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:18,440 Speaker 9: in my hobbies and my friendships and the plans that 554 00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:21,840 Speaker 9: I have for my life. However, my husband and I 555 00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,400 Speaker 9: live in a different country in a different time zone 556 00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:28,000 Speaker 9: than our family and majority of our friends. And even 557 00:31:28,080 --> 00:31:31,600 Speaker 9: with all of this and the separation and distance, I 558 00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:36,080 Speaker 9: still have tremendous eldest daughter guilt. A lot of times. 559 00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:39,520 Speaker 9: It still feels like some comments or some jobs about 560 00:31:39,880 --> 00:31:43,800 Speaker 9: being far away, not being praisent for certain things, not 561 00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:47,960 Speaker 9: completely pursuing the ideas that my parents had for me 562 00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:52,880 Speaker 9: in my life. I still feel pressured even though I'm 563 00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:56,080 Speaker 9: so far away. And I was just hoping that you 564 00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:58,520 Speaker 9: have any advice that you can give me on this. 565 00:31:59,080 --> 00:32:01,720 Speaker 9: I loved you about how to feel like yourself again 566 00:32:01,960 --> 00:32:06,640 Speaker 9: and how to stop seeking external validation. But I was 567 00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:08,680 Speaker 9: just wondering if you have any practical advice for me. 568 00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:13,920 Speaker 9: I love your podcast. Sincerely a South African that just 569 00:32:14,160 --> 00:32:18,320 Speaker 9: wants to be a dang psychology psychologist one day. 570 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:22,800 Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I love first thing. I love your accent. 571 00:32:23,160 --> 00:32:25,960 Speaker 1: Anytime I hear a South African accent and always is 572 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,320 Speaker 1: so interesting and like, quits be to me, Like I 573 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:31,680 Speaker 1: don't know, I love a South African accent, So what 574 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:35,600 Speaker 1: a joy to listen to your question. Eldest daughter guilt 575 00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:39,880 Speaker 1: is real and I have experienced it, and so have 576 00:32:40,000 --> 00:32:44,080 Speaker 1: many of my eldest daughter friends. This is actually a 577 00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:47,160 Speaker 1: really important stage in life that you would know somebody's 578 00:32:47,160 --> 00:32:49,880 Speaker 1: selling psychology that everybody has to go through of like 579 00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:59,320 Speaker 1: what's the priority me or the family, individual preferences or obligation, 580 00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:05,479 Speaker 1: the collective or my own personal kind of ambitions and 581 00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:10,120 Speaker 1: goals and based on our conditioning, especially as women and 582 00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:13,640 Speaker 1: eldest daughters, can feel like choosing any of the left 583 00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:19,840 Speaker 1: hand options, any of the individual preference passion like personal 584 00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:23,960 Speaker 1: ambition options like means that you're selfish and means that 585 00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:28,400 Speaker 1: you are a bad daughter and a bad sister and 586 00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:32,200 Speaker 1: a bad friend and whatever, and that is just like 587 00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:37,760 Speaker 1: complete bull crap, like it's just not true. Life is 588 00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:40,720 Speaker 1: something that yes, you need to live within community and 589 00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:42,640 Speaker 1: you want to be close to your family and friends, 590 00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:46,800 Speaker 1: but is actually and completely about you and completely about 591 00:33:47,120 --> 00:33:48,840 Speaker 1: what you are really striving. 592 00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:50,720 Speaker 2: To do and what you really want to do. 593 00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:55,880 Speaker 1: You, I think, also need to do this for the 594 00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:58,960 Speaker 1: younger you and also the future you who is really 595 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:03,360 Speaker 1: betting on you having the courage to just stick with 596 00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:06,560 Speaker 1: what you want to do and just deal with maybe 597 00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:08,640 Speaker 1: some of the criticism and some of the disappointment a 598 00:34:08,680 --> 00:34:11,640 Speaker 1: little bit longer to realize a dream and also to 599 00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:14,000 Speaker 1: realize a future way of living where there will be 600 00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:16,719 Speaker 1: less skills about this, you will be more discerning and 601 00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:18,560 Speaker 1: more able to make the decisions that are best for you, 602 00:34:18,680 --> 00:34:22,440 Speaker 1: and hopefully your family will understand. You know, families always 603 00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:24,600 Speaker 1: say like, we just want you to be happy. Sometimes 604 00:34:24,600 --> 00:34:26,640 Speaker 1: it can feel like they don't really. 605 00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:27,600 Speaker 2: But I think that they do. 606 00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:30,120 Speaker 1: And just being able to have that conversation with your 607 00:34:30,160 --> 00:34:32,760 Speaker 1: friends and with your family just being like I love you, guys, 608 00:34:34,160 --> 00:34:35,880 Speaker 1: I miss you, but I have to have to do 609 00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:37,799 Speaker 1: this for me, and finding ways to stay in touch 610 00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:40,239 Speaker 1: with them so they still feel a part of your 611 00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:46,040 Speaker 1: life and not neglected is super super important. Also, it 612 00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:48,439 Speaker 1: sounds like the time will come when you can move 613 00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:51,319 Speaker 1: back closer to your family and when you will be 614 00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:54,480 Speaker 1: neighborly and you will be close to them, and perhaps 615 00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:56,799 Speaker 1: you're going to miss this time quite a lot and 616 00:34:56,840 --> 00:34:59,239 Speaker 1: you're gonna wish that you had seen it out to 617 00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:02,200 Speaker 1: its full PERTI I definitely know like when the time 618 00:35:02,280 --> 00:35:03,959 Speaker 1: is right, the time is right, and you will sense 619 00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:06,840 Speaker 1: it and you will feel it. And cutting any chapter 620 00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:10,640 Speaker 1: short early for expectations or what other you think other 621 00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:13,960 Speaker 1: people want from you, or for factors beyond your own 622 00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:18,120 Speaker 1: deep desire, I might leave you with a little bit 623 00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:21,799 Speaker 1: of regret and wishing that you had lived out the 624 00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:24,600 Speaker 1: rest of that period and feeling like the door kind 625 00:35:24,640 --> 00:35:27,040 Speaker 1: of closed a little bit too earlier and you little 626 00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:29,520 Speaker 1: bit discombobulated. So I think you're making a great choice 627 00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:34,640 Speaker 1: by just finishing out, closing out this chapter. Make sure 628 00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:37,680 Speaker 1: that you just like keep the communication lines open with 629 00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:40,200 Speaker 1: family that like you love them and you care about them, 630 00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:43,200 Speaker 1: and maybe this is in your future plans, but like 631 00:35:43,360 --> 00:35:44,920 Speaker 1: right now you need to do this for you and 632 00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:50,239 Speaker 1: recognize that it's it's not selfish, it's actually incredibly unselfish 633 00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:53,160 Speaker 1: for yourself and for future generations and if you don't 634 00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:57,239 Speaker 1: want to have kids, to really learn and reinforce and 635 00:35:57,320 --> 00:36:00,279 Speaker 1: especially you as a psychologist as well, to know that 636 00:36:01,120 --> 00:36:05,440 Speaker 1: making decisions that are best for you is actually entirely 637 00:36:05,560 --> 00:36:09,520 Speaker 1: part of life's plan and entirely normal and an really 638 00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:13,120 Speaker 1: important part of the developmental process that you learned how 639 00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:16,600 Speaker 1: to do this and how to live beyond the expectations 640 00:36:16,640 --> 00:36:18,040 Speaker 1: that others have for you. 641 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:20,320 Speaker 2: So I hope that advice is helpful. 642 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:23,320 Speaker 1: And yeah, I could listen to your South African accent 643 00:36:23,320 --> 00:36:26,080 Speaker 1: all days. There's something about it I can't I can't 644 00:36:26,120 --> 00:36:28,279 Speaker 1: describe it, describe it just does something like crunchy and 645 00:36:28,360 --> 00:36:32,320 Speaker 1: fun to my mind. So best of luck. Okay, we 646 00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:37,440 Speaker 1: have time for one final question for our listener episode. 647 00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:39,759 Speaker 1: Here it is Hi. 648 00:36:40,440 --> 00:36:44,279 Speaker 10: I'm so excited that you're doing this segment again. So 649 00:36:44,640 --> 00:36:50,200 Speaker 10: I am a twenty six year old female living in 650 00:36:50,239 --> 00:36:53,640 Speaker 10: the United States. I don't know if you need that information, 651 00:36:54,480 --> 00:37:00,359 Speaker 10: but my dilemma is that I'm looking at move in 652 00:37:00,400 --> 00:37:03,360 Speaker 10: with my partner and something that scares me so much 653 00:37:03,520 --> 00:37:06,759 Speaker 10: is like finally moving away from home, and I know 654 00:37:06,920 --> 00:37:10,600 Speaker 10: not every twenty something year old has that fear. A 655 00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:13,799 Speaker 10: lot of people just kind of jump and go. But 656 00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:19,120 Speaker 10: I'm wondering what the psychology or if there's any psychology 657 00:37:19,160 --> 00:37:23,680 Speaker 10: behind that, like why certain people are scared to move 658 00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:27,239 Speaker 10: away from home and why certain people just can't wait 659 00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:30,680 Speaker 10: to move away from home. Curious to hear your thoughts 660 00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:34,000 Speaker 10: and hope this helps other people that might be feeling 661 00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:34,560 Speaker 10: the same way. 662 00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:37,560 Speaker 1: I actually think this is the best question to end on. Like, 663 00:37:37,680 --> 00:37:40,640 Speaker 1: I love that we had that parallel of somebody who's like, Oh, 664 00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:43,080 Speaker 1: I'm living away and I feel kind of guilty, and 665 00:37:43,080 --> 00:37:45,080 Speaker 1: then somebody being like, oh, I really want to move, 666 00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:47,319 Speaker 1: but I don't know how to process that, and then 667 00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:50,759 Speaker 1: somebody who's moved back, Like that's kind of a coincidence 668 00:37:50,800 --> 00:37:51,240 Speaker 1: that happened. 669 00:37:51,239 --> 00:37:53,680 Speaker 2: I didn't realize that. I like chose this theme of like, 670 00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:55,440 Speaker 2: I guess. 671 00:37:55,239 --> 00:37:58,360 Speaker 1: Moving in family, which is something that's heavy on my mind. 672 00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:02,120 Speaker 1: But anyways, thank you for dialing in, Thank you for 673 00:38:02,200 --> 00:38:06,719 Speaker 1: leaving a call, another beautiful voice. There is an explanation 674 00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:09,760 Speaker 1: for this, and it's it's rather complex but also simple, 675 00:38:09,800 --> 00:38:12,279 Speaker 1: and I think it really comes down to how we 676 00:38:12,400 --> 00:38:17,160 Speaker 1: view risk and our tolerance for uncertainty and our tolerance 677 00:38:17,239 --> 00:38:23,160 Speaker 1: for new novel experiences. So each of us basically has 678 00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:27,720 Speaker 1: a risk profile of how tolerant, how comfortable we feel 679 00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:30,239 Speaker 1: with things that are scary and things that are new. 680 00:38:30,719 --> 00:38:35,800 Speaker 1: We have risk loving, risk averse, risk neutral, risk loving. 681 00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:38,080 Speaker 1: That describes the kind of person you talked about who 682 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:41,360 Speaker 1: was like cool, I turned seventeen. I'm turned eighteen, Like 683 00:38:41,360 --> 00:38:42,959 Speaker 1: I'm out of here, even I don't have a plan 684 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:44,960 Speaker 1: and don't even have a plane ticket. I don't even 685 00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:47,000 Speaker 1: have a suitcase, but I know I want to go somewhere. 686 00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:50,239 Speaker 1: These are the people who are like like you. Just 687 00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:53,040 Speaker 1: I mind them so much, like they're always on the road, 688 00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:54,359 Speaker 1: They're always ready to. 689 00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:55,200 Speaker 2: Make new choices. 690 00:38:55,239 --> 00:38:56,799 Speaker 1: One of my friends, Gracie, is like that, and I 691 00:38:56,840 --> 00:38:59,799 Speaker 1: just think she's so cool. It's not who I am. 692 00:39:00,040 --> 00:39:02,000 Speaker 1: I think I'm more risk mutual. I can kind of 693 00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:05,080 Speaker 1: take it or leave it. And it sounds like you 694 00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:07,120 Speaker 1: might be a little bit risk averse in this situation. 695 00:39:08,040 --> 00:39:13,560 Speaker 1: The fear factor, and you know, some of the discomfort 696 00:39:13,600 --> 00:39:17,080 Speaker 1: of change just weighs on you a little bit more heavy. 697 00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:20,359 Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with that. It's actually completely normal. That's 698 00:39:20,440 --> 00:39:22,440 Speaker 1: just how you are, and you're probably trying to be 699 00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:24,279 Speaker 1: a bit more conscious and think about this a little 700 00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:26,880 Speaker 1: bit more and make sure that's the right decision. And 701 00:39:27,360 --> 00:39:29,640 Speaker 1: I think that that's actually a sign that it is 702 00:39:29,680 --> 00:39:32,400 Speaker 1: the fact that you are thinking about it so deeply, 703 00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:35,480 Speaker 1: the fact that you are so invested in ensuring that 704 00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:37,680 Speaker 1: you know this is going to work out with your 705 00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:40,719 Speaker 1: partner is beautiful. I'm not going to lie and say 706 00:39:40,719 --> 00:39:43,640 Speaker 1: that moving away from your family is going to be 707 00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:47,560 Speaker 1: necessarily the easiest thing in the world, especially since you've 708 00:39:47,600 --> 00:39:51,880 Speaker 1: been there for so long, like twenty something years. It 709 00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:53,800 Speaker 1: might not be better. It's just going to be different, 710 00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:58,840 Speaker 1: and it's just going to be an incredible time. Don't 711 00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:02,600 Speaker 1: focus so much on the downsides. Really keep your vision 712 00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:09,439 Speaker 1: on the positives. Stocking your pantry, getting to decorate your 713 00:40:09,480 --> 00:40:13,960 Speaker 1: home with the person that you love, getting to be 714 00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:17,120 Speaker 1: naked on your couch whenever you want to be, getting 715 00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:21,560 Speaker 1: to just make it your own and make it like 716 00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:24,520 Speaker 1: you know how your parents created a great home for 717 00:40:24,560 --> 00:40:27,319 Speaker 1: you and one that you love, and being able to 718 00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:30,800 Speaker 1: create that for yourself and for you and your partner's 719 00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:33,880 Speaker 1: little family. And if you get pets and when friends 720 00:40:33,920 --> 00:40:37,520 Speaker 1: come over, Like it's just such a beautiful young adult 721 00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:40,680 Speaker 1: feeling that I'm so excited for you to have. When 722 00:40:40,719 --> 00:40:43,960 Speaker 1: there are hard times, just make sure you have rituals 723 00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:47,759 Speaker 1: that maybe tie you back to the comforts that you 724 00:40:47,840 --> 00:40:50,960 Speaker 1: really enjoyed about living with your family and that were 725 00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:54,560 Speaker 1: really amazing about being close to them. Make sure you've 726 00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:56,920 Speaker 1: got those recipes for those home cooked meals so that 727 00:40:56,960 --> 00:41:00,279 Speaker 1: you can make that for you even you know, miles away. 728 00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:03,360 Speaker 1: Make that for yourself, even miles away. Bring something special 729 00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:05,640 Speaker 1: from home. Maybe it's like a duvet, Maybe it's like 730 00:41:06,040 --> 00:41:10,080 Speaker 1: a blanket, a rug, a couple of photos. Integrate like 731 00:41:10,120 --> 00:41:13,200 Speaker 1: this old life with this new life that you're entering into, 732 00:41:13,640 --> 00:41:17,120 Speaker 1: because it is all interconnected, and this is just the 733 00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:20,200 Speaker 1: next iteration and evolution of you as a person, and 734 00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:22,480 Speaker 1: so much growth is going to happen. It's going to 735 00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:26,160 Speaker 1: be amazing. Also, living with your partner as a blast, 736 00:41:26,200 --> 00:41:28,160 Speaker 1: Like it's like having a sleepover every night. And I 737 00:41:28,239 --> 00:41:30,680 Speaker 1: feel like in the first three months you're going to 738 00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:33,160 Speaker 1: be just like so excited and over the moon that 739 00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:36,040 Speaker 1: you're not going to realize that you're missing anybody or 740 00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:39,279 Speaker 1: that you're missing anything. So I just keep saying good luck, 741 00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:40,719 Speaker 1: but I really mean it to all of you, like 742 00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:44,080 Speaker 1: good luck. You guys are just so wonderful and beautiful 743 00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:49,400 Speaker 1: and just ask such beautiful, emotionally intelligent, earnest, fabulous questions. 744 00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:53,799 Speaker 1: So I appreciate you guys going to the effort to 745 00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:55,239 Speaker 1: want to be a part of the show and for 746 00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:58,560 Speaker 1: being the best guest that I ever get the chance 747 00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:01,960 Speaker 1: to have such good guests. Or I don't know how 748 00:42:01,960 --> 00:42:04,480 Speaker 1: many questions we are answered, all eight nine of you 749 00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:07,160 Speaker 1: and all the others, all the others of you who 750 00:42:07,239 --> 00:42:10,080 Speaker 1: also submitted questions, thank you so much. If you have 751 00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:11,920 Speaker 1: any advice for any of these people, drop it in 752 00:42:11,960 --> 00:42:13,799 Speaker 1: the comments below. If you've listened this far, if you 753 00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:16,520 Speaker 1: have a further question, maybe I'll spend some time answering 754 00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:20,400 Speaker 1: questions in the comments, but also keep the advice going. 755 00:42:20,520 --> 00:42:23,120 Speaker 1: If you have experience with any of these things, what 756 00:42:23,560 --> 00:42:26,560 Speaker 1: tips would you give these people? Make sure as well 757 00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:29,440 Speaker 1: that you are following us on Instagram at that Psychology 758 00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:32,279 Speaker 1: podcast if you want to see more behind the scenes stuff, 759 00:42:32,320 --> 00:42:34,760 Speaker 1: If you want to be able to contribute to future 760 00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:37,000 Speaker 1: episodes like this, that is where you are going to 761 00:42:37,080 --> 00:42:40,040 Speaker 1: find out about it. But until next time, stay safe, 762 00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:43,160 Speaker 1: be kind, be gentle to yourself, and thank you for listening. 763 00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:44,680 Speaker 1: We will talk very very soon.