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Speaker 1: I am a Yamla, your host, your guide, a teacher

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Speaker 1: for salm, and a soft place to fall for others.

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Speaker 1: And I was a miserable failure in my relationships until

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Speaker 1: I love myself enough to be able to share my

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Speaker 1: love with other people. Welcome to the ur Spot, a

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Speaker 1: production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with iHeartRadio. Greetings. I

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Speaker 1: am I'm La van Zandt. Welcome back to the Our Spot.

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Speaker 1: My guest today Relationship Certified Relationship and Dating Coach Stefan,

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Speaker 1: And we're talking about some of the little intricate details

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Speaker 1: and potholes that go into relationships. I had a whole

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Speaker 1: thing that I wanted to talk to you about, but

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Speaker 1: I've surrendered. We're going where we're going. We were talking

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Speaker 1: about clearing up trauma, clearing up emotional breakdown, if you will,

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Speaker 1: and how to do it and why we need to

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Speaker 1: do it.

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Speaker 2: The real issue is people lack healing. The woman who

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Speaker 2: cannot process her emotions is because she has blockage. That

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Speaker 2: blockage is due to the trauma that she experienced and

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Speaker 2: has not resolved and flushed out of us. That she

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Speaker 2: just hasn't been taught to well, taught to yes but

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Speaker 2: I do think that there's a I was literally on

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Speaker 2: the phone last night with a close friend and she's

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Speaker 2: been holding on to the same trauma.

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Speaker 3: For you forever.

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Speaker 1: But does she know it was trauma.

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Speaker 2: Yes, she's fully aware. It's just that it's scary to

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Speaker 2: have to face that and have to go through that

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Speaker 2: place and you don't know how to.

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Speaker 3: You don't know how to.

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Speaker 2: As well as I believe part of the reason why

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Speaker 2: it's even harder for some women. It's going back to

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Speaker 2: what we first talked about. Women are impacted emotionally more

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Speaker 2: women having so the same way you said, the feeling

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Speaker 2: of inadequacy can crush the man right. A woman having

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Speaker 2: to look herself in the mirror and say I was

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Speaker 2: wrong or you know, I made these mistakes, I did this.

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Speaker 2: That's hard because she's internalizing it.

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Speaker 1: Women of color, let me not say black because I'm black, brown,

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Speaker 1: and red. Here's what I want to put out in

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Speaker 1: so that you can share with the brothers and so

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Speaker 1: that in defense of my sisters. Is the last thing

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Speaker 1: that a woman of color can own is that there's

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Speaker 1: something wrong with her, because we are programmed and conditioned

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Speaker 1: to believe that who we are is wrong. We're wrong

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Speaker 1: from the jump. We're wrong because our butter bit is big,

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Speaker 1: although people are now buying butts. We're wrong because our

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Speaker 1: hair is nappy, although so people are straightening and weaving it.

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Speaker 1: We're wrong. We are wrong as who we are. We're

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Speaker 1: not if we're not light, if we're not frail, if

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Speaker 1: we're not whatever. The overall, you know, society, black women,

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Speaker 1: brown women, red women are taught, programmed, and conditioned in

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Speaker 1: the matrix to believe that we are wrong as who

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Speaker 1: we are. So it's challenging difficult for us as women

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Speaker 1: to admit that we've done something wrong because that's almost

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Speaker 1: like acknowledging I am wrong. Does that make sense?

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Speaker 3: Yes?

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Speaker 2: And I also think what adds to it, and this

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Speaker 2: is not just for black women but just for people

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Speaker 2: in general, is when you have lived with your trauma

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Speaker 2: for so long, you create an identity and you believe

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Speaker 2: this is who you are. So, for example, if you're

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Speaker 2: a woman who experienced trauma and now you have a

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Speaker 2: very negative attitude, all right, you're very sharp with your tongue.

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Speaker 1: Okay, wait a minute, hold on, I think I had

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Speaker 1: this fight with you in the video too. But that's

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Speaker 1: all right. First of all, if you live with the

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Speaker 1: trauma part of the challenges. We own it and make

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Speaker 1: it ours, and that's why we can't get rid of it.

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Speaker 1: It's not yours. It's an experience. So if you own

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Speaker 1: and live with the trauma, what are we talking about?

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Speaker 1: Sexual abuse, physical violence, physical neglect. I'm raising my great

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Speaker 1: grandson who is a mixed race male and learned about

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Speaker 1: the trauma cause by the deprivation of nutrition, the deprivation

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Speaker 1: of nutrici because of the way his mother ate didn't

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Speaker 1: eat and what she had to go through to get food,

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Speaker 1: and how that shows up for him. You know how

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Speaker 1: many women and men of color or just poverty have

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Speaker 1: trauma from the deprivation of nutrici, not knowing where your

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Speaker 1: next meal is coming from, food scarcity. That's a trauma

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Speaker 1: that so many of us don't even recognize and understand.

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Speaker 1: So I just want on it to say that. But anyway,

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Speaker 1: so her tongue may be sharp, yes, because she was

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Speaker 1: deprived nutrition.

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Speaker 2: I don't know that, and that's fine. But what happens

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Speaker 2: is when you create this identity from that based on

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Speaker 2: the trauma, and you have to face the idea or

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Speaker 2: the prospect of now removing that trauma you're afraid of with,

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Speaker 2: then who am I aptlete?

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Speaker 1: Might gonna be? Exactly gonna be? Will I be enough

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Speaker 1: without this?

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Speaker 3: Yes?

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Speaker 2: And how do I navigate life without this? Like it

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Speaker 2: becomes the fear of the unknown, don't I don't know

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Speaker 2: what's waiting for me on the other side. So one

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Speaker 2: of the people I was recently speaking to, that's literally

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Speaker 2: what she was saying, like, I'm just afraid. I don't

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Speaker 2: know what to expect, and I'm like, listen you. All

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Speaker 2: we know is that you will have more peace and

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Speaker 2: from there things can start to fall into place. You

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Speaker 2: can't get to a better place until you fully heal

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Speaker 2: and release this trauma. Don't overthink it, don't look too

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Speaker 2: far ahead. Let's just focus on addressing these very specific issues.

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Speaker 2: I think also what has caused it created a more

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Speaker 2: difficulty with facing our traumas is people have piled up

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Speaker 2: so much of it. So the analogy I like to

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Speaker 2: use is people keep stuffing things in their emotional closet,

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Speaker 2: and the closet is getting bigger and bigger, and so

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Speaker 2: now when you try to pull one thing out everything

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Speaker 2: and you just are overwhelmed. They're like, I can't do this,

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Speaker 2: and I had to tell us, like, listen, you gotta

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Speaker 2: go in that closet, crack the door, pull one thing

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Speaker 2: out real quick, deal with that one thing, go back,

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Speaker 2: pull the next thing out.

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Speaker 3: Sooner or later.

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Speaker 2: The door is getting lighter and lighter. And now what'sever left.

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Speaker 2: You'd have worked through all the big stuff. Then now

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Speaker 2: it's going to be easy to open the door. The

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Speaker 2: less that pours out, you'll get through it just fine.

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Speaker 3: And you're good.

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Speaker 1: Well, I have an even better, better process than that

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Speaker 1: that I put on my Sun salutations. This is a

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Speaker 1: shameless pluging on my Sun salutation's meditation. Now, but surrender

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Speaker 1: it all. Surrender it all and ask for grace. Surrender

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Speaker 1: it all and ask for grace because the truth of

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Speaker 1: the matter, even pulling it out and choosing what you

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Speaker 1: are going to deal with, put you in control and

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Speaker 1: not God's source created a Holy Spirit, because if you

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Speaker 1: really knew what you needed, you would have done it

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Speaker 1: a long time ago. So I say, surrendered it all,

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Speaker 1: and I say, Holy Spirit, go in the closet and

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Speaker 1: get what you think I need to hear right now,

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Speaker 1: which brings me to another point that I want to

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Speaker 1: make right after this break welcome back to the R spot.

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Speaker 1: Let's pick up where we left off. This is a

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Speaker 1: thing that I want to ask you about man and trauma,

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Speaker 1: because so many of us are broken and wounded and traumatized.

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Speaker 1: And where better do we find that out than in

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Speaker 1: our relationships. You bring all your baggage and your monogram

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Speaker 1: luggage into your relationship. People don't mind digging through their baggage,

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Speaker 1: but they hold their monogram luggage very tightly, expensive paid

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Speaker 1: dearly for this. And I have a saying in my

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Speaker 1: world that I live by, and is that a man

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Speaker 1: who is not accountable to somebody is a danger to

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Speaker 1: himself and everyone else and stefan. So many men are

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Speaker 1: not accountable for their trauma, for their behavior, for their wounding,

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Speaker 1: the wounds that they inflict. Talk to me about men

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Speaker 1: and accountability to themselves, for themselves for their behavior.

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Speaker 3: What's well? I think?

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Speaker 2: So one me being a man of God, I believe

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Speaker 2: that the accountability comes from having God in your life. Yes,

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Speaker 2: regardless of what specific belief system you have, if you

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Speaker 2: have a God, if you have a higher power, that

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Speaker 2: creates the accountability that a man really needs to stay

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Speaker 2: on a certain path. I do think a lot of

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Speaker 2: men today are getting caught up in the battle of accountability.

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Speaker 2: So basically it's, oh, well, the women don't take accountability

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Speaker 2: while they're not taking accountability themselves, and it's just going

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Speaker 2: back and forth and people not realizing you can only

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Speaker 2: control you, So you need to focus on are you

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Speaker 2: doing what you're supposed to do. I also think that

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Speaker 2: for a lot of men, when it comes to when

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Speaker 2: you said inflicting the wounds, a lot of men are

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Speaker 2: not aware of the wounds they inflict. They do not understand.

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Speaker 2: Part of that is just due to their own ignorance.

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Speaker 2: Some of that is due to.

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Speaker 3: Brainwashing, in my opinion, all right.

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Speaker 1: And tell me more, tell me about the brain.

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Speaker 2: So not to bring it all the way back to

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Speaker 2: the sex, but the sex is a great example. So

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Speaker 2: one of the things I think that has caused brainwashing

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Speaker 2: and creates this wound infliction in the many cases is

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Speaker 2: telling men women want sex.

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Speaker 3: Just like they do.

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Speaker 1: All right, who said that?

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Speaker 2: There's a lot of people say that. I was even

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Speaker 2: at once many years ago, flown into I won't say

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Speaker 2: which site, but it was a very popular dating site.

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Speaker 2: There was twelve of us, and they had this whole

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Speaker 2: presentation and One of them was a scientist, well renowned

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Speaker 2: best selling author, and she pointed out a study that

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Speaker 2: said the women wanted sex just as much as men,

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Speaker 2: and I jumped in and I was like, no, no, no,

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Speaker 2: that can't be right.

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Speaker 3: I said.

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Speaker 2: What they're doing is they're conflating intimacy with sex, and

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Speaker 2: what women want is the intimacy, and what they're accustomed

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Speaker 2: to is not being able to get the intimacy without

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Speaker 2: the sex. Ok So it goes hand in hand to them.

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Speaker 2: But if you said you could just have the intimacy

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Speaker 2: or just the sex, most women are choosing the intimacy.

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Speaker 2: Most men are choosing the sex. We don't desire it

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Speaker 2: the same. But now if you tell men that we

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Speaker 2: want it the same, then men don't understand the emotional

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Speaker 2: factors and mental factors that go into a woman being

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Speaker 2: sexually receptive. They don't understand how he needs to put

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Speaker 2: or into her in those other intimate ways communication, togetherness, closeness, affection,

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Speaker 2: all these different things. So now when he has that

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Speaker 2: situation where he just wants to sleep with her, to

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Speaker 2: hint to a lot of minutes, like, well, okay, she's

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Speaker 2: enjoying it just like me. I didn't do anything wrong here,

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Speaker 2: not realizing that he left her completely void in the

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Speaker 2: other eras that she really craved from him, all right,

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Speaker 2: And this pours over into the relationships, which is why

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Speaker 2: in some cases it's not that the sex wasn't good

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Speaker 2: at some point with them, it's that the man does

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Speaker 2: not know how to continuously activate that sexual desire in

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Speaker 2: her by pouring into her emotionally and mentally.

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Speaker 3: So again, what if.

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Speaker 1: He's emotionally void, If he doesn't know how to communicate

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Speaker 1: his emotions, if he doesn't know how to name them,

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Speaker 1: what if he's void.

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Speaker 2: I think when a man loves a woman, he's willing

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Speaker 2: to do things he doesn't do for anyone else.

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Speaker 3: So, even though he may be so, I don't yes,

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Speaker 3: that is so.

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Speaker 2: So I don't think he's completely void. I just think

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Speaker 2: that one A lot of men are just not motivated.

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Speaker 3: So here's the thing.

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Speaker 2: A lot of women and men have to understand. A

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Speaker 2: lot of the issues we're seeing are not because men

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Speaker 2: are bad, women are bad, or this person doesn't know this.

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Speaker 2: That person doesn't know this is because you're dealing with

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Speaker 2: the wrong person. And when you're dealing with the wrong person,

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Speaker 2: expect for things to go left, so meaning you can

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Speaker 2: have a man. And if he's dating ten women casually,

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Speaker 2: with those ten women.

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Speaker 3: He's very closed off.

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Speaker 2: He's very emotionally detached because I don't want to get

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Speaker 2: emotionally invested when I'm just trying to be casual and

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Speaker 2: have fun with you. I don't need you get any

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Speaker 2: your feelings. I don't need you expecting more out of

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Speaker 2: me emotionally.

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Speaker 1: And who is he accountable to for that behavior?

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Speaker 2: Well, again, if she's claiming she's okay with the dynamic,

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Speaker 2: why would he think I'm doing something wrong and wounds exactly.

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Speaker 2: But that's why I said it's not to his He

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Speaker 2: doesn't know that because she's claiming I'm good, I can

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Speaker 2: deal with this situation.

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Speaker 3: Shit, but you know you're not happy. Now.

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Speaker 2: That same dude who's emotionally detached with those same ten women,

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Speaker 2: Let him meet woman number eleven that he thinks this

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Speaker 2: is my future wife I'm in love with, and he

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Speaker 2: will try. He may not be great at it, but

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Speaker 2: he will try to be more open. He will try

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Speaker 2: to be more expressive. If she says to him, I

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Speaker 2: need this more out of you, he will listen and

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Speaker 2: he will make an attempt to adjust.

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Speaker 1: So when you're there, and then and then when she

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Speaker 1: doesn't want him, and is he wounded.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, And this is what happens when the man finally

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Speaker 2: has the woman that he wants and now she rejects him.

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Speaker 2: Going back to what we talked about it right beginning,

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Speaker 2: he's what I always say behind every player is.

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Speaker 3: A story of a man who got played. Okay, all right.

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Speaker 2: You will see many situations where a young man can

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Speaker 2: be raised to be a player.

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Speaker 3: All his uncles like.

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Speaker 2: Have multiple women, don't ever have just one woman. And

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Speaker 2: yet there will still be an instance where he meets

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Speaker 2: a woman, falls deeply for her and wants to let

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Speaker 2: go of all the women for her, but because he

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Speaker 2: does not know how to handle his emotions. Okay, and

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Speaker 2: a lot of women just goes to the brainwashing again.

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Speaker 2: A lot of women are so the idea. If he

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Speaker 2: loves you, he's supposed to.

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Speaker 3: Be perfect with it.

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Speaker 1: He's supposed to be perfect with his expression, with the

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Speaker 1: way he treats you.

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Speaker 2: He's supposed to make no mistakes if he loves you.

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Speaker 2: And if he makes any mistake, that's proof that he's

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Speaker 2: just like the rest of them. So, now this man

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Speaker 2: who actually loves her, who actually is trying his hardest,

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Speaker 2: makes a mistake because he's human. We all make mistakes.

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Speaker 1: Wait a minute, I know, hold that thought is a

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Speaker 1: mistake that your penis ends up in somebody else's vagina.

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Speaker 1: Is that a mistake or did it just fall in?

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Speaker 1: You know? Because that's mistake men make a lot of time.

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Speaker 2: I know people aren't gonna like this, but hear me out,

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Speaker 2: hear me out there are cheating is a very case

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Speaker 2: by case thing. There are some scenarios where it is

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Speaker 2: an actual miss What I mean by that, Listen, here's

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Speaker 2: what I mean. Okay, I did one example. I'm being quiet,

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Speaker 2: all right, and I'm gonna use this example on the

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Speaker 2: women's side for a second. I know a woman, she

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Speaker 2: was married, She went on a business trip. During the

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Speaker 2: business trip, they all hung out. They were drinking during

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Speaker 2: that time at the bar, something happened. She ended up

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Speaker 2: kissing one of the guys. Well, he kissed her and

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Speaker 2: she kissed back. This wasn't her trying to intentionally go

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Speaker 2: out there and do something. This is something that because

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Speaker 2: you were not mindful of the things that can lead

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Speaker 2: into the trouble to drinking, to being out late it

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Speaker 2: led to this.

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Speaker 1: The parents just fell into the vagina.

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Speaker 2: Now, they didn't have sex, But the point is, like

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Speaker 2: it can be a mistake in the sense that this

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Speaker 2: was a bad decision. This was a one art thing,

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Speaker 2: got it, all right? This is not the same thing

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Speaker 2: as someone carrying on an affair.

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Speaker 1: Okay. So and the flip side that he was drinking

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Speaker 1: got attracted to somebody, you know, they ended up you know,

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Speaker 1: under the stairway or in the hotel room or whatever,

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Speaker 1: and the peenis just fell into the vagina.

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Speaker 3: Get it.

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Speaker 1: Now, Now let's talk about the ongoing penis. Now gets

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Speaker 1: in the car, drives down, picks up, you know, and

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Speaker 1: then right, the intentional roaming penis. Let's talk about that

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Speaker 1: one with no integrity, no accountability, because I don't think

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Speaker 1: we finished up our conversation about cheating. Tell me about

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Speaker 1: that penis, okay, the intentional roaming penis.

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Speaker 2: So again, there's there's layers to this because there are

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Speaker 2: some men who live by the idea that cheating is

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Speaker 2: just what happens, all right. So like, for example, you'll

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Speaker 2: have a man say, well, all men cheat. The minute

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Speaker 2: a man says all men cheat, pretty much that that

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Speaker 2: means he's gonna he's gonna cross that line at some point.

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Speaker 2: All right, he's pretty much telling stuff. Now, there are

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Speaker 2: some men who are telling women, especially in today's world, hey,

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Speaker 2: I don't do monogamy. This is to me that we

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Speaker 2: can't really classify that as cheating because if you, yes,

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Speaker 2: it's announced, if we have agreed upon this dynamic, that

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Speaker 2: that's just allo relationship, that's something different. But the one

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Speaker 2: who is lying, who is selling monogamy but then still

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Speaker 2: cheating for some again with no accountability, well, it's not

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Speaker 2: just no accountability. The problem is a lot of men struggle.

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Speaker 2: And this is not to give sympathy to the cheater.

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Speaker 2: This is just the reality of it. A lot of

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Speaker 2: men struggle from walking away from their relationship for various reasons.

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Speaker 2: All Right, I one, Yes, I've had tons of men

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Speaker 2: who don't even cheat, yet who will DM me giving

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Speaker 2: me a laundry list of all the toxic things his

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Speaker 2: partner does, and say.

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Speaker 3: How do I keep her okay?

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Speaker 1: Because here's the question. Is the question that you want

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Speaker 1: to leave or is the question that you don't know

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Speaker 1: how to stay based on what's present?

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Speaker 2: So I'll give one example. Man gets married, has kids

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Speaker 2: with this woman, the sex falls off a cliff. It's

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Speaker 2: namn near nonexistent. Okay, but this does not have family elsewhere.

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Speaker 3: This is his world.

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Speaker 2: To him, I'm not gonna leave all that I have,

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Speaker 2: Face the prospect of not being with my kids, consistently,

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Speaker 2: face the prospect of any financial ramifications that come from this,

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Speaker 2: face just all the legal things I have to deal

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Speaker 2: with if I can just satisfy this urge of attention, affection, sex,

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Speaker 2: whatever somewhere else while maintaining home.

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Speaker 1: Now, So the intentional, the intentional roaming penis sometimes it's

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Speaker 1: just the release, the way that we don't lose everything

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Speaker 1: we have.

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Speaker 3: Yes, so he to him.

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Speaker 2: You know, for some men, for some people, they're hoping

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Speaker 2: that the cheating is temporary. Some people cheat with the

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Speaker 2: idea of Okay, I'm gonna do this right now to

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Speaker 2: get this need met. But my hope is that my

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Speaker 2: partner's gonna finally come around and we're gonna be good,

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Speaker 2: and then I can just go back home and I

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Speaker 2: don't gotta worry about this anymore. But they don't realize

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00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,840
Speaker 2: it's only gonna prolong the process, and chances are it's

359
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:05,960
Speaker 2: not gonna get fixed. If you're out there in these streets,

360
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,840
Speaker 2: you know, getting your knees mail elsewhere. But there are

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Speaker 2: some men who that, yes, they feel like having this

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Speaker 2: supplement of a side woman. You know, there's some men

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Speaker 2: who think having a side chick strengthens the main relationship.

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Speaker 1: And there's some side chicks who are okay being side chicks.

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Speaker 1: But that's a whole other conversation ahead.

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Speaker 2: Yes, So to him, it's like, yeah, why am I

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Speaker 2: gonna throw away everything here that I built just because

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Speaker 2: I need this one need met that my wife is

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Speaker 2: unwilling to fulfilled. But then let's add another layer to it.

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Speaker 2: Because as much as people say, why don't you just leave?

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Speaker 2: If a man goes to his friends and family and

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Speaker 2: says I want to leave because my wife doesn't have

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Speaker 2: sex with me often enough, you know what they say

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Speaker 2: to him, Oh, give her more time. No one says, oh.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, go ahead, leave. It doesn't happen like that.

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Speaker 3: It's the same thing.

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Speaker 2: If a woman is being sexually neglected and not satisfied,

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Speaker 2: she can't go to anyone to say I'm thinking about

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00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,200
Speaker 2: leaving because he doesn't satisfy me sexually. All they're gonna

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Speaker 2: do is try to talk her out of it and

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00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:08,800
Speaker 2: tell her why this is normal, so the person feels

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Speaker 2: like my only outlet is just to get the need

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Speaker 2: met and keep this in place.

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Speaker 1: Is that the intentional roaming vagina?

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Speaker 3: It is, and there's a lot of there's a lot

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Speaker 3: more roaming vaginas than people realize.

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Speaker 1: I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. We

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Speaker 1: were talking about accountability, yes, and I want to say that,

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Speaker 1: whether the penis is roaming, the vagina's roaming, whether it's

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00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:40,800
Speaker 1: a trauma response, whether it's a limited emotional vocabulary, we

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Speaker 1: are all gonna be held accountable for our behavior. We're

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Speaker 1: gonna be held accountable for our choices, We're gonna be

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Speaker 1: held accountable for our decisions. Which is why it's so

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Speaker 1: important for me that we really start getting some skills

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Speaker 1: and tools so that we can clean up our relationships.

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Speaker 1: I'm not even talking just about loving relationships. I'm talking

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Speaker 1: about parental relationships. I'm talking about sibling relationships. I want

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Speaker 1: to teach parents how to parent adult children, because some

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Speaker 1: parents treat their adults like their five and ten. I

400
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:16,760
Speaker 1: want to teach adult children how to be in respectful,

401
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:22,200
Speaker 1: loving relationships with their parents. You know, because your mother

402
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,159
Speaker 1: gets on your nerves. You don't cut her off and

403
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,920
Speaker 1: stop speaking to it and send out a Christmas card

404
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:32,280
Speaker 1: in a text, you know. And because booble hurts you

405
00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:36,719
Speaker 1: back in fifty six, you can't treat Robert badly today.

406
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Speaker 1: And I sold all of this. It's so complex, and

407
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Speaker 1: I just think that it's coming to a head because

408
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,960
Speaker 1: we are being held to a higher standard in the universe.

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Speaker 1: That's just me. I'm all help me.

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Speaker 2: No. I definitely think what we're seeing is the cumbination

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00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:58,560
Speaker 2: of just unresolved trauma over the years. Like a lot

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Speaker 2: of people will say, oh, we need relationships like our grandparents,

413
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Speaker 2: And I'm like, it's our grandparents' relationship.

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Speaker 3: Why y'all messed up?

415
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:09,040
Speaker 2: Now? Like the stain together just to stay together. But

416
00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:13,360
Speaker 2: creating a toxic, unhealthy household is what's poured over into

417
00:22:13,440 --> 00:22:16,359
Speaker 2: these people who have not become dysfunctional adults who now

418
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Speaker 2: don't know how to handle themselves in a relationship.

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Speaker 3: All right, So we have to stop this cycle.

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00:22:21,840 --> 00:22:25,080
Speaker 2: But again, it's gonna start with individually healing. So a

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00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,600
Speaker 2: lot of people that're getting so caught up in the

422
00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:30,719
Speaker 2: landscape of how it looks with everyone else. These men

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00:22:30,760 --> 00:22:32,640
Speaker 2: aren't getting help or these women aren't getting help.

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Speaker 3: But it's like, what have you gotten help?

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00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,760
Speaker 1: Well, that's what I say. Is it them?

426
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Speaker 2: Is it me?

427
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,800
Speaker 1: Is it us? And on that note, let's take a break.

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Speaker 1: We'll be right back. Welcome back to the our spot.

429
00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:54,320
Speaker 1: Let's get back to the conversation. Let me ask you

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Speaker 1: a question.

431
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:57,840
Speaker 3: What did you have to hear? So, let me tell

432
00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:01,280
Speaker 3: you my first experience with therapy? That was what it was,

433
00:23:01,359 --> 00:23:02,400
Speaker 3: My first thing I had to heal.

434
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Speaker 2: So.

435
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:04,720
Speaker 3: I actually was in college.

436
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:09,760
Speaker 2: My father had took my car that morning, brought it back,

437
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:11,960
Speaker 2: and we had a lot of conflict, and so like

438
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,840
Speaker 2: I got so upset. Finally get my car back, I'm

439
00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:17,399
Speaker 2: rushing to school to go take my test. I literally

440
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:19,280
Speaker 2: have an emotional breakdown on the highway.

441
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:21,280
Speaker 3: Pull over to this what does that look like?

442
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:25,040
Speaker 2: I just start crying. I was so mad and I

443
00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:26,919
Speaker 2: just start crying. And then I was like, yo, if

444
00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:29,360
Speaker 2: I don't pull over, I'm a crash. So I pulled over,

445
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:32,160
Speaker 2: it cried, and I just turned back around and went home,

446
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:32,760
Speaker 2: like I can't.

447
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:33,280
Speaker 3: Go take this test.

448
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:36,119
Speaker 2: So I talked to my teacher, and of course he

449
00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,000
Speaker 2: was skeptical that I'm telling the truth. He thought I

450
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:39,720
Speaker 2: just missed the test. He's like, well, if you want

451
00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,440
Speaker 2: to take this final, you have to go to a

452
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:45,719
Speaker 2: school counselor. Now, at that time, I didn't believe in therapy,

453
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:47,320
Speaker 2: you know how a lot of us in our community

454
00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:48,040
Speaker 2: all you know.

455
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:50,520
Speaker 3: I'm like, all right, I'm in a mail two.

456
00:23:52,359 --> 00:23:54,520
Speaker 1: Caribbean la, yes, Caribbean man.

457
00:23:55,160 --> 00:23:57,200
Speaker 2: So I'm like, all right, that's what he needs so

458
00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:58,800
Speaker 2: I can take this test. Fine, I'm gonna go knock

459
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,879
Speaker 2: this out, take this to as were good man. By

460
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:03,920
Speaker 2: the time I was done with that session, I was

461
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:07,560
Speaker 2: in tears and I did not realize all that I

462
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:11,080
Speaker 2: was holding onto. And it was due to my parents.

463
00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,480
Speaker 2: And it was the fact that just the way that

464
00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:15,399
Speaker 2: they handled me, like I always feel like I was

465
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,359
Speaker 2: a black sheep, you know. But for me, part of

466
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:21,600
Speaker 2: what allowed me to heal was understanding my parents grew

467
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:24,439
Speaker 2: up without their parents. My mom lost both of her

468
00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:27,040
Speaker 2: parents when she was like three four years old. My

469
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,520
Speaker 2: father lost his father when he was like seven and

470
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:33,000
Speaker 2: only had his mother. Plus we're Caribbean, Like, I'm convinced

471
00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:37,440
Speaker 2: when you examine any kind of foreign culture households, the

472
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:42,480
Speaker 2: households are built on discipline, making something of your self respect.

473
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:47,440
Speaker 2: It ain't about lovey dovey and expressing emotions, and particularly.

474
00:24:47,040 --> 00:24:51,080
Speaker 1: Not your ancestral lineage, which is Haitian exact, because of

475
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:55,359
Speaker 1: the brutality that the people in that culture experience.

476
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, so to me, it was like when I start

477
00:24:57,440 --> 00:25:00,920
Speaker 2: connecting all those dots and having that moment to be

478
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,600
Speaker 2: able to express everything, which is why I believe a

479
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:06,240
Speaker 2: lot of people they struggle with healing because they're not

480
00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:09,159
Speaker 2: fully releasing all their emotions and how they feel and

481
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:12,920
Speaker 2: fully expressing themselves. But me being able to do that

482
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:16,240
Speaker 2: like that was It's almost like it just clicked, like,

483
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:20,760
Speaker 2: oh wait a minute, and I saw everything differently. And

484
00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:22,840
Speaker 2: now you know, now I have my father had passed

485
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:24,720
Speaker 2: in two thousand and seven, but my mom still alive.

486
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 2: We have a great relationship, better relationship now than when

487
00:25:27,119 --> 00:25:30,280
Speaker 2: we were younger. Everything's great. And yeah, that was part

488
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:34,159
Speaker 2: of my first experience with needing to heal, you know,

489
00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:37,440
Speaker 2: and understanding that whole process. And I think that I

490
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:40,040
Speaker 2: refined the process even more as I went along, because

491
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:42,240
Speaker 2: I have a book, Love After Heartbreak, where I break

492
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:47,520
Speaker 2: down my healing process that anyone who does it, they're

493
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:48,240
Speaker 2: gonna see the.

494
00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,760
Speaker 3: Positive results, men or women.

495
00:25:50,880 --> 00:25:54,680
Speaker 2: It's justice. It's a heavy experience. It's a heavy So

496
00:25:54,920 --> 00:25:57,639
Speaker 2: for example, the first step is what I call it

497
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,399
Speaker 2: who hurt me lists. Get a piece of paper, right,

498
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:02,960
Speaker 2: who hurt me? And ask yourself that question, who hurt me?

499
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:05,720
Speaker 1: Okay, did you hear that? That's an assignment from our

500
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:08,440
Speaker 1: guests today. Get a piece of paper, and you want

501
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:10,880
Speaker 1: to create a who hurt me list? And I want

502
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:14,760
Speaker 1: to add to that what hurt me exactly? Because sometimes

503
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:17,720
Speaker 1: it's not a who, it's what the who did?

504
00:26:17,960 --> 00:26:21,200
Speaker 2: Yes exactly, So you will add that to each person

505
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,560
Speaker 2: in each situation. So now we can identify because there's

506
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:26,920
Speaker 2: a lot of people if they just ask themselves that

507
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,600
Speaker 2: question and wrote it down, they might be shocked who

508
00:26:29,680 --> 00:26:32,960
Speaker 2: makes that list because they've been suppressing things for so long.

509
00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:36,280
Speaker 2: But it's almost like you're calling out the trauma when

510
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:39,119
Speaker 2: you ask that question, and it hears it and it

511
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:42,040
Speaker 2: starts coming in, you know. So now all right, now

512
00:26:42,119 --> 00:26:45,400
Speaker 2: we have our list, So then we have to let's

513
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:47,200
Speaker 2: say we choose someone. So this kind of goes back

514
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,560
Speaker 2: to picking that one thing out of the closet. So

515
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,800
Speaker 2: let's say we start with the mother, because I found

516
00:26:52,400 --> 00:26:55,159
Speaker 2: We talk about that issues a lot, But mommy issues

517
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:56,000
Speaker 2: are She's a beast.

518
00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:59,120
Speaker 1: She's a beast, I tell you, because when mama break

519
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:02,240
Speaker 1: your heart, it is shattered. Yes, daddy may break it

520
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:05,600
Speaker 1: in half, Daddy may shredd it, but when Mama breaks

521
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:10,320
Speaker 1: your heart, there are shards that go everywhere. And ask

522
00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:10,960
Speaker 1: me how I know?

523
00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:13,760
Speaker 3: Ask how do you know? I had three children?

524
00:27:13,880 --> 00:27:14,399
Speaker 1: That's how I know?

525
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:16,240
Speaker 3: And not to mention.

526
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:19,720
Speaker 2: What also compounds the issue is that we are more

527
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:24,720
Speaker 2: afraid of expressing our disappointment, hurt, resentment towards our mothers.

528
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:27,040
Speaker 3: Than our father. We'll attack the hell of our out

529
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,080
Speaker 3: of our fathers, but.

530
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:30,720
Speaker 2: Our mothers is like, I don't want to. Yes, she's

531
00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:34,440
Speaker 2: a sacred cou exactly. So in this process we do

532
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:37,159
Speaker 2: two drafts. We do we're gonna write a letter. The

533
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:40,840
Speaker 2: first draft is just you letting everything out. It's yes,

534
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:42,880
Speaker 2: it's essentially an emotional detox.

535
00:27:43,119 --> 00:27:45,440
Speaker 3: You gotta flush it out because what people do is

536
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:46,800
Speaker 3: they'll say, well, I talked to.

537
00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:50,760
Speaker 2: My mother before. No, you had your moment of lashing out.

538
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:54,280
Speaker 2: You said a few things, but you didn't get everything out.

539
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:57,720
Speaker 3: Or you wrote a letter, but in writing that letter

540
00:27:57,800 --> 00:27:59,920
Speaker 3: you try to find the right things to say.

541
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:02,639
Speaker 2: You had it exactly, so you were softer with what

542
00:28:02,720 --> 00:28:05,600
Speaker 2: you so you didn't let the raw emotion that needs

543
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:08,000
Speaker 2: to be purged out of your system out, So that

544
00:28:08,200 --> 00:28:10,600
Speaker 2: first draft is a pursing of it. So I don't

545
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,760
Speaker 2: care if you're insulting her, wishing death on her. I

546
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:15,040
Speaker 2: don't care what evil thing comes out of you, because

547
00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:15,880
Speaker 2: it needs to come out.

548
00:28:16,200 --> 00:28:18,240
Speaker 1: You know, I say that to people. My mother was

549
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:21,520
Speaker 1: an alcoholic who died when I was two. Nobody ever

550
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:24,119
Speaker 1: bothered to tell me that until I was thirty, so

551
00:28:24,240 --> 00:28:27,639
Speaker 1: I was raised you know, for me, lying in the relationship,

552
00:28:27,760 --> 00:28:31,080
Speaker 1: that's the kryptonite. Don't lie to me. But when I

553
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:34,320
Speaker 1: found out at thirty that my mother had died and

554
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:36,800
Speaker 1: the woman who raised me wasn't my mother, blah blah blah.

555
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:39,640
Speaker 1: But the thing was, my mother was an alcoholic. And

556
00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:43,320
Speaker 1: when I started hearing the stories about it, you know,

557
00:28:43,480 --> 00:28:47,640
Speaker 1: first of all, I was so heartbroken that my mother

558
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:51,840
Speaker 1: had died. Then I was pissed off, you know. So

559
00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:57,080
Speaker 1: in the pisosity is where I could tell the truth.

560
00:28:57,400 --> 00:29:00,240
Speaker 1: And I will say, you know, in my healing, I

561
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:03,680
Speaker 1: said my mother was a pissy drunk, a fall down

562
00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:06,720
Speaker 1: pissy drunk. Now I can say that about her. You

563
00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:10,080
Speaker 1: can't say that. But it was in that level of

564
00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:14,240
Speaker 1: telling the rock got truth about how I felt that

565
00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:16,960
Speaker 1: I could get the feelings of to even get to

566
00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:20,440
Speaker 1: the sadness of oh damn, my mama died, and all

567
00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:25,640
Speaker 1: this time I thought it was just my father's unaccountability, irresponsibility,

568
00:29:25,880 --> 00:29:29,320
Speaker 1: lack of integrity when he was grieving the fact that

569
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:31,400
Speaker 1: the love of his life died and left him with

570
00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:34,400
Speaker 1: two children. Well, I won't bother to mention that my

571
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:38,480
Speaker 1: mother was the other woman that's not and that he

572
00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:42,080
Speaker 1: had a wife a rather corner. But okay, So that

573
00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:46,280
Speaker 1: part of it of identifying who hurts you and what

574
00:29:46,440 --> 00:29:49,520
Speaker 1: hurts you. What hurt me was that nobody told me

575
00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:53,120
Speaker 1: the truth. So for those of you doing this exercise

576
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:56,000
Speaker 1: writing you who hurt me less, what hurt me less,

577
00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:59,920
Speaker 1: have a glass of water nearby. Why because water will

578
00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:03,640
Speaker 1: soak up the energy. And again I want you to

579
00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:07,200
Speaker 1: get sun salutations and listen to it some of the

580
00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:10,240
Speaker 1: meditations in there, because we don't want you to hurt yourself. Yeah,

581
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:12,600
Speaker 1: or just go get you a counselor or therapists.

582
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:14,920
Speaker 2: But anyway, go ahead and let me just say in

583
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:18,160
Speaker 2: getting a counselor a therapist, and this is I have

584
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:21,800
Speaker 2: love for all people who are helping others work through

585
00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:25,160
Speaker 2: issues and heal counselors, therapists, coaches. But I think a

586
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:27,200
Speaker 2: lot of people don't realize they're going to some of

587
00:30:27,280 --> 00:30:30,880
Speaker 2: these therapists and it's just a venting session. Yeah, nothing's

588
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:33,720
Speaker 2: being resolved, nothing's being healed. They're just learning how to

589
00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:34,640
Speaker 2: cope and manage.

590
00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:38,320
Speaker 1: And because in many cases my experiences, because these are

591
00:30:38,360 --> 00:30:41,040
Speaker 1: the ones I get, the therapists haven't done their work.

592
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:45,320
Speaker 1: There you go, the coaches haven't done their work. First

593
00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:49,719
Speaker 1: of all, coaches shouldn't. You can't coach trauma that has

594
00:30:49,800 --> 00:30:53,720
Speaker 1: to be healed, resolved. That's therapy, that's counseling. You cannot

595
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:57,280
Speaker 1: coach trauma. Because for me, coaching is you got to

596
00:30:57,320 --> 00:31:00,080
Speaker 1: have a vision, you got to be able to articulate it. So,

597
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:05,440
Speaker 1: whether it's relationship coaching, healing, coaching, whatever, trauma has some

598
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:12,200
Speaker 1: tentacles that may require deeper, a deeper dive. So if

599
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:14,880
Speaker 1: you get a counselor who hasn't done they work, you

600
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:15,520
Speaker 1: in trouble.

601
00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:16,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly.

602
00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:19,160
Speaker 2: So I just want people to be mindful of that that,

603
00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:21,000
Speaker 2: all right, go to your accounts, go to your therapist.

604
00:31:21,080 --> 00:31:23,240
Speaker 2: But if you know it's after a few sessions you're

605
00:31:23,320 --> 00:31:27,000
Speaker 2: just talking, talking, talking, and you're not actually flushing anything

606
00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:29,920
Speaker 2: out and making some progress, then maybe just need to

607
00:31:29,960 --> 00:31:31,880
Speaker 2: go to a different one, you know, That's all it is.

608
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:35,280
Speaker 2: Don't stop trying to get assistance. Just make sure you're

609
00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:38,960
Speaker 2: getting effective assistance. But going back to the letter, Yes,

610
00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:41,240
Speaker 2: so you do the first draft, let everything out, and

611
00:31:41,280 --> 00:31:42,880
Speaker 2: I always tell people you're gonna feel like a weight

612
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:46,280
Speaker 2: come off your shoulders just doing that first initial draft.

613
00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:48,920
Speaker 2: But in the second draft, I always tell them to,

614
00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:52,120
Speaker 2: you know, pray, get yourself to a level place, and

615
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:54,600
Speaker 2: then read the letter to yourself as if you were

616
00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:57,479
Speaker 2: that person. So in this example, put yourself in your

617
00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:00,240
Speaker 2: mother's shoes, read a letter, and now, ain't thing that

618
00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:04,920
Speaker 2: comes off as attacking, condescending, blatantly insulting.

619
00:32:05,240 --> 00:32:09,000
Speaker 3: You change it. You're not changing your message, You're just changing.

620
00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:12,720
Speaker 2: The delivery of your message. And the purpose of this

621
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:17,040
Speaker 2: exercise is one we have to learn how to take

622
00:32:17,480 --> 00:32:20,680
Speaker 2: that anger and raw emotion and deliver it in a

623
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:22,760
Speaker 2: more effective manner in our relationships.

624
00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:25,479
Speaker 1: All Right, communicate it in a way that it can

625
00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:26,200
Speaker 1: be received.

626
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:30,360
Speaker 2: Yes, because when people feel attacked, they will defend themselves

627
00:32:30,520 --> 00:32:32,719
Speaker 2: and it's just human nature. I don't care who you are.

628
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:36,960
Speaker 2: So you have to learn how to deliver the message properly,

629
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:39,880
Speaker 2: and this exercise will help you with that because that's

630
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:42,440
Speaker 2: a lot of raw emotion to take and then turn around,

631
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:44,760
Speaker 2: which is also another reason why I tell a lot

632
00:32:44,840 --> 00:32:49,080
Speaker 2: of people, even in your current relationships, romantic ones or whatever,

633
00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:53,080
Speaker 2: if you have deep issues and concerns to express, write

634
00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:55,920
Speaker 2: a letter and then you guys can talk about the letter,

635
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:59,360
Speaker 2: because when you're trying to express these deep things in

636
00:32:59,520 --> 00:33:03,400
Speaker 2: verbal care communication, it typically goes left. People get defensive,

637
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:06,840
Speaker 2: they deflect, you might get distracted, you get scared and

638
00:33:06,880 --> 00:33:10,280
Speaker 2: don't get everything out, so you don't really accomplish the

639
00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:14,240
Speaker 2: true goal. But with a letter, people have time to process.

640
00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:16,480
Speaker 2: And when see, when people are listening to you verbally,

641
00:33:16,560 --> 00:33:19,080
Speaker 2: they're listening to respond, well, they're listening.

642
00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:23,280
Speaker 1: To respond, right, and they're listening from their defensive possitions exactly.

643
00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:26,240
Speaker 2: But when they're reading a letter, they're listening to understand,

644
00:33:26,320 --> 00:33:29,520
Speaker 2: or they're reading to understand, they're taking it in because

645
00:33:29,600 --> 00:33:32,040
Speaker 2: now it's not they don't have to react in the moment,

646
00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:35,040
Speaker 2: so it allows them to sit with what you're saying

647
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:41,200
Speaker 2: a little bit longer. Sometime sometimes yeahs you know, but yeah.

648
00:33:41,280 --> 00:33:43,000
Speaker 2: So now we clean up the second letter and then

649
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:45,040
Speaker 2: if from there, I always tell people, all right, pray

650
00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:47,080
Speaker 2: and ask God if you sus send a letter.

651
00:33:47,520 --> 00:33:52,280
Speaker 1: Let's talk about building a relationship from spiritual principles as

652
00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:55,120
Speaker 1: opposed to building one on a human condition.

653
00:33:55,600 --> 00:34:01,560
Speaker 2: Okay, so one, I believe that having a spiritual foundation

654
00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:04,080
Speaker 2: is so important because, as you alluded to, as you mentioned,

655
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:08,960
Speaker 2: it creates accountability in the relationship, a greater level of accountability,

656
00:34:09,520 --> 00:34:12,480
Speaker 2: but not just a great level of accountability. It kind

657
00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:16,719
Speaker 2: of creates a different focal point. Meaning I think the

658
00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:20,520
Speaker 2: mistake that we make in relationships is that we are

659
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:23,960
Speaker 2: making our actions based off of their actions. So if

660
00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:26,400
Speaker 2: they talk to us funny today, now I'm going to

661
00:34:26,440 --> 00:34:29,399
Speaker 2: talk to them funny, I'm gonna start acting crazy because

662
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:31,640
Speaker 2: they're acting crazy or they're not doing this for me,

663
00:34:31,719 --> 00:34:33,839
Speaker 2: so I'm not gonna do that for them. But if

664
00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:37,760
Speaker 2: you are honoring God and God wants you to handle

665
00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:40,239
Speaker 2: things a certain kind of way, it's easier for you

666
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:43,520
Speaker 2: to say, all right, I show up the right way

667
00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:45,920
Speaker 2: in the relationship because I'm honoring God and I'm honoring

668
00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:49,040
Speaker 2: the blessing God gave me, and you are the beneficiary

669
00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:52,080
Speaker 2: of it. So even in your moments where you fall short,

670
00:34:52,520 --> 00:34:54,640
Speaker 2: I'm held to the standard of making sure I'm making

671
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:56,160
Speaker 2: God happy with my actions.

672
00:34:56,239 --> 00:34:57,319
Speaker 1: Your accountable to.

673
00:34:58,880 --> 00:34:59,240
Speaker 3: Exactly.

674
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:01,759
Speaker 2: And it's just that I think we have to learn

675
00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:04,040
Speaker 2: to not just make it about what our partner is

676
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:08,640
Speaker 2: or isn't doing in every single moment, because listen, we're human.

677
00:35:08,840 --> 00:35:11,239
Speaker 2: We're gonna have moments we fall short. We're gonna have

678
00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:14,640
Speaker 2: moments we make mistakes. But when you have that spiritual foundation,

679
00:35:15,160 --> 00:35:16,879
Speaker 2: you can then go back to God and say, how

680
00:35:16,920 --> 00:35:19,399
Speaker 2: do you want me to proceed? How do you want

681
00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:21,960
Speaker 2: me to handle this situation? You know, Like I tell people,

682
00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:26,719
Speaker 2: pray before you react, you know, because it will make

683
00:35:26,800 --> 00:35:30,560
Speaker 2: such a huge difference in how you navigate that current situation.

684
00:35:30,719 --> 00:35:35,719
Speaker 2: Because sometimes it's an easily fixable situation. But what we

685
00:35:35,920 --> 00:35:39,839
Speaker 2: do is we react based of our human perception of things,

686
00:35:40,160 --> 00:35:42,840
Speaker 2: and we add fuel to the fire, and now it

687
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:45,520
Speaker 2: goes way further left than it ever needed to go.

688
00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:48,520
Speaker 2: And now we have to work not to just fix

689
00:35:48,640 --> 00:35:52,160
Speaker 2: the initial issue, but all the issues we piled on

690
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:55,120
Speaker 2: on top of it because we didn't allow God to

691
00:35:55,239 --> 00:35:56,600
Speaker 2: guide us in that moment.

692
00:35:57,040 --> 00:35:59,680
Speaker 1: That's it to stick to the principles, because that's what

693
00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:02,840
Speaker 1: I think spiritual law and principle. Last week when we

694
00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:05,840
Speaker 1: were talking, we talked about cheating, and you said that

695
00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:11,000
Speaker 1: the very often people make the cheating about the cheater

696
00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:14,919
Speaker 1: and not about the one who was cheated on. When

697
00:36:15,000 --> 00:36:20,960
Speaker 1: you have a spiritual structure that you're relating it, building

698
00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:27,360
Speaker 1: your marriage it, and cheating violates the principles, what do

699
00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:27,920
Speaker 1: you do with that?

700
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:32,080
Speaker 2: Well, again, I think first, and this is not to

701
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:36,200
Speaker 2: take any pressure off the cheater, but I want to

702
00:36:36,239 --> 00:36:37,800
Speaker 2: be real because I feel like if we're going to

703
00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:41,480
Speaker 2: solve this issue, we have to address all the different angles.

704
00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:46,120
Speaker 2: So one, I believe that neglect is as bad of

705
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:51,680
Speaker 2: a violation that's cheating, neglect, blatant neglect such as sexual neglect,

706
00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:55,479
Speaker 2: emotional langue, et. And we're being more specific by saying

707
00:36:55,600 --> 00:36:58,319
Speaker 2: it has been communicated to you. It's one thing when

708
00:36:58,360 --> 00:37:01,520
Speaker 2: you were not aware that that's something different, but when

709
00:37:01,560 --> 00:37:04,120
Speaker 2: you are being told this is a problem over and

710
00:37:04,360 --> 00:37:07,759
Speaker 2: over and over again. So I use this analogy. It's

711
00:37:07,760 --> 00:37:10,839
Speaker 2: almost like if a mother had a son, and she said,

712
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:13,440
Speaker 2: you can only eat in this house. You can't eat

713
00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:16,640
Speaker 2: anywhere else. All right, I will feed you. You'll be good.

714
00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:20,680
Speaker 2: Monday comes. I'm tired today. Just wait till tomorrow. I'll

715
00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:24,239
Speaker 2: feed you. Tuesday comes. I don't got the foods yet.

716
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:27,359
Speaker 2: Just give me some more time. We're now on day five.

717
00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:28,200
Speaker 1: I'm hard five.

718
00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:35,400
Speaker 3: It's day five. The child's walking down the street.

719
00:37:35,719 --> 00:37:38,879
Speaker 2: Someone sees the mild nourished to child and says, boy,

720
00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:40,000
Speaker 2: would you like a sandwich?

721
00:37:40,360 --> 00:37:41,800
Speaker 3: Now in his head, he's thinking.

722
00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:45,000
Speaker 2: I'm not supposed to eat anywhere else, but damn I'm hungry.

723
00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:48,960
Speaker 3: I'll take a bite. It can't hurt. He gets home.

724
00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:50,839
Speaker 3: How could you have eaten someone else?

725
00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:55,000
Speaker 2: I tell you, But you starved him for five days?

726
00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:58,080
Speaker 1: Got it? That is a beautiful did y all hear that?

727
00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,640
Speaker 1: All you are spot listening out there? Hear what he's saying.

728
00:38:01,719 --> 00:38:04,920
Speaker 1: It goes both ways. Yes, when a man says, you know,

729
00:38:05,960 --> 00:38:09,040
Speaker 1: all you ever do is tell me what I didn't do, right,

730
00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:11,560
Speaker 1: You're never grateful for what I did do. When a

731
00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:15,399
Speaker 1: man says to you, you don't hear me either. When

732
00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:17,959
Speaker 1: a man says to you, as a woman, I'm saying

733
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:20,719
Speaker 1: when a man says to you, you're not there for

734
00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:24,320
Speaker 1: me here and now the next thing, you know, he

735
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:28,320
Speaker 1: got tulula around the corner. Him in the independent roaming

736
00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:33,239
Speaker 1: penis around the corner. Or men, my brothers, when a

737
00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:37,800
Speaker 1: woman says to you, don't take what I feel seriously,

738
00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:40,399
Speaker 1: or when a woman says to you, you're not here

739
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:43,359
Speaker 1: from me when I need you, and now she's up

740
00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:48,000
Speaker 1: the street with bad boy, you know, bad boy Bruce

741
00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:54,600
Speaker 1: or whatever his name is. You know, that is so incredible.

742
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:58,759
Speaker 1: Neglect when you've been told and you don't address it

743
00:38:59,080 --> 00:39:04,000
Speaker 1: could manifest as the roaming anxiety parts.

744
00:39:04,120 --> 00:39:06,160
Speaker 2: And I think going back to the initial question of

745
00:39:06,280 --> 00:39:09,040
Speaker 2: what do you do when the violation occurs? So let's

746
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:11,600
Speaker 2: just assume there wasn't neglect. Let's just assume that in

747
00:39:11,680 --> 00:39:15,840
Speaker 2: this scenario, this person just stepped out. So one, I

748
00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:18,400
Speaker 2: think again, we have to understand that there are some

749
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:21,439
Speaker 2: examples of cheating where it's a symptom of two people

750
00:39:21,480 --> 00:39:24,600
Speaker 2: who don't belong together, okay, and then there's others where

751
00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:28,400
Speaker 2: it's a symptom of something broken within the relationship between

752
00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:29,920
Speaker 2: two people who can work together.

753
00:39:30,160 --> 00:39:30,520
Speaker 3: All right.

754
00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:34,239
Speaker 2: So that's why we have to go deeper into each

755
00:39:34,280 --> 00:39:37,440
Speaker 2: situation to understand which one are we really dealing with, Because,

756
00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:40,719
Speaker 2: for example, you'll have a woman now say, oh, this

757
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:44,000
Speaker 2: man cheating on me, and I'm you know, she's contemplating him,

758
00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:48,800
Speaker 2: let's say repeatedly. And let's just say he's arguing that

759
00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:51,719
Speaker 2: this is just one time thing whatever. But I'm like, okay,

760
00:39:51,719 --> 00:39:54,399
Speaker 2: wait a minute, put the cheating to a side. Let's

761
00:39:54,400 --> 00:39:58,359
Speaker 2: look at the rest of relationship. He neglects you. You've

762
00:39:58,400 --> 00:40:01,880
Speaker 2: been unhappy, the house hold is toxic. Cheating or not,

763
00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:03,960
Speaker 2: this is a bad relationship.

764
00:40:04,040 --> 00:40:05,160
Speaker 1: And those are the clues.

765
00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:07,840
Speaker 2: Yes, you're so focused on the cheating, but this is

766
00:40:07,880 --> 00:40:08,799
Speaker 2: a bad relationship.

767
00:40:08,840 --> 00:40:09,560
Speaker 3: Now, let's flip it.

768
00:40:09,960 --> 00:40:12,560
Speaker 2: Cheating occur, but when we look at the relationship, everything

769
00:40:12,719 --> 00:40:16,920
Speaker 2: is amazing, everything is great. So maybe this is just

770
00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:20,840
Speaker 2: into the isolated issue that we just need to discuss.

771
00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:23,720
Speaker 2: How did we get here? Why did this happen? Because

772
00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:26,200
Speaker 2: everything else we have going on is good. Now in

773
00:40:26,360 --> 00:40:30,800
Speaker 2: the in the the idea of violation spiritually and the

774
00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:32,960
Speaker 2: breach of trust, the breach of trust, well, guess what

775
00:40:33,239 --> 00:40:34,399
Speaker 2: we sin every day.

776
00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:36,680
Speaker 1: I ain't talking about sinners.

777
00:40:37,840 --> 00:40:40,600
Speaker 2: You got from a principal standpoint, you got to understand

778
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:41,799
Speaker 2: what I'm going going with here.

779
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:46,080
Speaker 1: We we break and violate trust.

780
00:40:46,239 --> 00:40:49,520
Speaker 2: We violate God's trust in that sense, we violate the

781
00:40:49,640 --> 00:40:52,240
Speaker 2: principles of what we're supposed to uphold.

782
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:53,800
Speaker 3: Does it automatic?

783
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:58,680
Speaker 1: Like me? You better believe violate God's trust in us

784
00:40:58,800 --> 00:40:59,239
Speaker 1: every day?

785
00:40:59,480 --> 00:41:00,520
Speaker 3: Yes, Lord.

786
00:41:01,360 --> 00:41:05,200
Speaker 2: And the only reason why I believe that God has

787
00:41:05,239 --> 00:41:07,279
Speaker 2: given us grace because He knows that human beings were

788
00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:10,000
Speaker 2: gonna fall short and without grace, none of us would

789
00:41:10,040 --> 00:41:12,960
Speaker 2: make it past this level. Okay, I think that we

790
00:41:13,160 --> 00:41:15,160
Speaker 2: need to extend that grace to each other in a

791
00:41:15,239 --> 00:41:18,520
Speaker 2: lot of situations. Again, it's not to make cheating okay,

792
00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:21,680
Speaker 2: is to understand rather than making this about this is

793
00:41:21,719 --> 00:41:24,440
Speaker 2: a horrible person or whatever the case may be, the

794
00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:27,200
Speaker 2: bottom line question is do we fit.

795
00:41:27,200 --> 00:41:30,680
Speaker 3: Together and can we make this work? Is this fixable

796
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:30,960
Speaker 3: or not?

797
00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:34,080
Speaker 2: If it is not, then this is just the time.

798
00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:36,560
Speaker 2: This is our chance to break free. I've said to

799
00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:39,040
Speaker 2: people before, I said some of y'all needed to be

800
00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:42,040
Speaker 2: cheated off. Yeah, because if you weren't, you would have

801
00:41:42,160 --> 00:41:44,680
Speaker 2: never walked away from this unhealthy ass relationship.

802
00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:48,800
Speaker 1: Listen, I for me. You know the roaming penis and

803
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:53,000
Speaker 1: what it does. That's not the issue. You cannot measure

804
00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:58,520
Speaker 1: the depth of sexual interaction, what really did the person do?

805
00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:01,280
Speaker 1: This is what it is for me in the cheating,

806
00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:09,200
Speaker 1: that you breach your own personal integrity, not by having sex,

807
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:12,239
Speaker 1: but by having sex and then coming and looking me

808
00:42:12,360 --> 00:42:15,120
Speaker 1: in my face and lying to me. That's a problem

809
00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:18,800
Speaker 1: to me because now I'm wondering, Okay, now, who are you?

810
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:22,360
Speaker 1: Because you're dangerous. But let me you're dangerous if you

811
00:42:22,480 --> 00:42:25,160
Speaker 1: can look me in my face and lie to me

812
00:42:25,719 --> 00:42:28,759
Speaker 1: about where you've been, what you're doing, and if you

813
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:31,880
Speaker 1: would do that. I'm talking man woman. I'm sure it

814
00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:35,120
Speaker 1: goes on in same sex relationships too, but man to woman,

815
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,000
Speaker 1: I want to know what the lie you're telling my

816
00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:40,680
Speaker 1: sister that's making her okay with this? Are you telling

817
00:42:40,719 --> 00:42:43,200
Speaker 1: her with separated? Are you telling her I'm dead? Are

818
00:42:43,239 --> 00:42:45,440
Speaker 1: you telling her I'm not giving you none? What are

819
00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:49,680
Speaker 1: you telling her? So what challenges me is the lies

820
00:42:49,800 --> 00:42:54,160
Speaker 1: that you tell that compromise your personal integrity as a man.

821
00:42:54,560 --> 00:42:57,120
Speaker 1: That's my problem. Go get as much nookie as you want,

822
00:42:57,400 --> 00:42:59,560
Speaker 1: that's your business. You and the Roman penis gonna have

823
00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:03,399
Speaker 1: fun out the whip it up on a horse. It's

824
00:43:03,560 --> 00:43:05,800
Speaker 1: that part that I that's dangerous.

825
00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:09,160
Speaker 2: So and this may or may not apply to your experiences,

826
00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:12,239
Speaker 2: but a lot of women you self identified as an

827
00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:16,160
Speaker 2: alful women, A lot of women who are altful women

828
00:43:16,280 --> 00:43:19,280
Speaker 2: are in that mold. They don't realize that the energy

829
00:43:19,280 --> 00:43:22,720
Speaker 2: that they're giving off draws them, yes, and it draws

830
00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:26,720
Speaker 2: in the man who has no vision, who lacks purpose,

831
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:31,280
Speaker 2: and he wants you because you give him the bilitary.

832
00:43:31,600 --> 00:43:33,600
Speaker 3: He doesn't have to give you this stability.

833
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:36,040
Speaker 2: And so for a lot of women, they fall into

834
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:39,360
Speaker 2: the trap of this feels good because this kind of

835
00:43:39,440 --> 00:43:42,720
Speaker 2: man is more available to give you attention, to listen

836
00:43:42,840 --> 00:43:45,080
Speaker 2: to all these things. Ain't nobody more available than a

837
00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:51,120
Speaker 2: broke man. So this dude is just free to pour

838
00:43:51,280 --> 00:43:55,000
Speaker 2: into you and it feels great. But over time you're

839
00:43:55,080 --> 00:43:57,759
Speaker 2: waiting for him to take the man step up, and

840
00:43:57,960 --> 00:44:01,680
Speaker 2: he's never developed that. And the only way to receive

841
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:04,800
Speaker 2: that man who has those skills from the jump is

842
00:44:04,920 --> 00:44:08,080
Speaker 2: to be able to exude that feminine energy, is to

843
00:44:08,160 --> 00:44:10,839
Speaker 2: be able to walk in that power that that kind

844
00:44:10,880 --> 00:44:13,080
Speaker 2: of man is going to be drawn to. And I

845
00:44:13,120 --> 00:44:14,640
Speaker 2: think a lot of women will say to me, well,

846
00:44:14,920 --> 00:44:18,280
Speaker 2: I'm feminine when I'm in the relationship Okay, that's great.

847
00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:21,480
Speaker 2: But if he can't see that before he gets that far,

848
00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:23,719
Speaker 2: why would he even try to talk to you. He'll

849
00:44:23,800 --> 00:44:25,800
Speaker 2: just go to somebody else who's exuding that energy that

850
00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:26,319
Speaker 2: he wants.

851
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:28,960
Speaker 1: I learned the hard way, though, Stefan.

852
00:44:29,160 --> 00:44:29,520
Speaker 3: I learned.

853
00:44:30,160 --> 00:44:32,480
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you how I learned. I was married,

854
00:44:33,080 --> 00:44:36,480
Speaker 1: didn't understand who I was as an alpha woman and

855
00:44:36,600 --> 00:44:41,200
Speaker 1: what that energy was. And so and I made more money.

856
00:44:42,920 --> 00:44:45,879
Speaker 1: And even though I really work to be a soft

857
00:44:45,960 --> 00:44:49,040
Speaker 1: place for him to fall, you know, the ego is

858
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:52,480
Speaker 1: a big thing. And so it all happened around a

859
00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:59,080
Speaker 1: Christmas tree. We agreed that because I didn't do he

860
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:00,960
Speaker 1: didn't do Christmas. He did Quanmsa.

861
00:45:01,160 --> 00:45:02,120
Speaker 3: I did Christmas.

862
00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:04,200
Speaker 1: I'm like a Chris. I don't know what it is.

863
00:45:05,440 --> 00:45:07,640
Speaker 1: I don't have no problem with Kwansa. And I have

864
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:10,640
Speaker 1: my canora and all my you know, my things. But

865
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:14,719
Speaker 1: so we agreed that we would do. He would do

866
00:45:14,880 --> 00:45:17,840
Speaker 1: Christmas and I would do Quansa. He would get me

867
00:45:17,960 --> 00:45:19,920
Speaker 1: what I needed for Christmas. I would get him what

868
00:45:20,000 --> 00:45:22,560
Speaker 1: he needed for quansas. So I had the canora and

869
00:45:22,680 --> 00:45:26,359
Speaker 1: the candles and the zawadi and everything, and he would

870
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:29,440
Speaker 1: get to Christmas tree. So this one particular year, I

871
00:45:30,320 --> 00:45:32,640
Speaker 1: went out and I saw this Christmas tree, the Christmas

872
00:45:32,680 --> 00:45:37,560
Speaker 1: tree of life. This Christmas tree was PLoP down out

873
00:45:37,600 --> 00:45:41,440
Speaker 1: of heaven just for me. I'm talking to spruce pine

874
00:45:41,760 --> 00:45:44,560
Speaker 1: full No. So I saw the Christmas tree and I

875
00:45:44,680 --> 00:45:46,960
Speaker 1: go and I say to the man how much is

876
00:45:47,000 --> 00:45:51,160
Speaker 1: this tree? And he tells me, and I said, please,

877
00:45:51,400 --> 00:45:53,600
Speaker 1: can I give you a deposit? I want you to

878
00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:56,560
Speaker 1: hold this tree. I'm gonna go home. My husband's gonna

879
00:45:56,560 --> 00:45:59,520
Speaker 1: come and get it. And I buy my tree there

880
00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:02,480
Speaker 1: every year. So he said, go ahead, let me tell

881
00:46:02,560 --> 00:46:03,920
Speaker 1: him to come on and pick it up. I'll hold

882
00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:07,040
Speaker 1: it for you till tomorrow. I go home totally excited,

883
00:46:07,239 --> 00:46:11,920
Speaker 1: totally excited about this Christmas tree. And I tell him

884
00:46:11,960 --> 00:46:13,640
Speaker 1: and he said, well, how much is it? I said

885
00:46:13,680 --> 00:46:15,600
Speaker 1: eighty dollars. He said, I ain't paying no eighty dollars

886
00:46:15,640 --> 00:46:19,520
Speaker 1: for no Christmas tree. Oh, but I'm wanting, why do

887
00:46:19,680 --> 00:46:22,000
Speaker 1: we have to have an eighty dollars Christmas tree? Well,

888
00:46:22,040 --> 00:46:24,280
Speaker 1: it's not that it's eighty dollars, it said, it's perfect,

889
00:46:24,320 --> 00:46:27,480
Speaker 1: it's a point in the thing, it's no cones falling

890
00:46:27,560 --> 00:46:30,440
Speaker 1: off the floor. I'm not paying no eighty dollars for

891
00:46:30,520 --> 00:46:34,520
Speaker 1: no Christmas tree. I said, but wine, I want it,

892
00:46:36,520 --> 00:46:39,800
Speaker 1: and he wouldn't go get it. So at first I was,

893
00:46:39,920 --> 00:46:43,880
Speaker 1: you know, heartbroken, and then I got pissed off, and

894
00:46:44,040 --> 00:46:46,160
Speaker 1: then I was in the car, me and the ego,

895
00:46:47,280 --> 00:46:53,839
Speaker 1: and it just took over my break. It just consumed

896
00:46:53,960 --> 00:46:56,200
Speaker 1: the goodness of me as a woman of spirit and

897
00:46:56,320 --> 00:46:59,640
Speaker 1: God and love. And I went and bought my Christmas tree,

898
00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:04,480
Speaker 1: and so in his attempt to please me, he went

899
00:47:04,560 --> 00:47:06,640
Speaker 1: and bought a Christmas tree. Bottom line, we ended up

900
00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:10,800
Speaker 1: with two Christmas trees. And mine was the perfect spruce pine.

901
00:47:10,920 --> 00:47:18,840
Speaker 1: His was a Kwansa bush. We're not even branches, it was.

902
00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:19,400
Speaker 2: It was.

903
00:47:19,719 --> 00:47:24,080
Speaker 1: It was terrible. So when we he had the tree,

904
00:47:24,239 --> 00:47:26,600
Speaker 1: I had the tree, and I was being totally rebellious

905
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:31,319
Speaker 1: and defiant and controlling and totally unsubmitted. It really did

906
00:47:31,440 --> 00:47:37,440
Speaker 1: hurt me though, and he couldn't hear me. If this

907
00:47:37,680 --> 00:47:40,719
Speaker 1: is what you want, and our agreement is, I'll get

908
00:47:40,800 --> 00:47:43,720
Speaker 1: you what you want for Christmas. He had a beautiful canora.

909
00:47:44,200 --> 00:47:47,400
Speaker 1: I had wonderful flowers, I mean candles. I had the

910
00:47:47,560 --> 00:47:50,760
Speaker 1: basket for the Zawa. I had everything for his Kwansa.

911
00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:53,920
Speaker 1: I didn't ask him what you know. I didn't complain

912
00:47:53,960 --> 00:47:57,040
Speaker 1: about how much I want this eighty dollars Christmas tree,

913
00:47:57,840 --> 00:47:59,480
Speaker 1: and when he didn't buy it, and the ego took

914
00:47:59,520 --> 00:48:02,960
Speaker 1: over it myself. So we had these two Christmas trees

915
00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:06,000
Speaker 1: in the house. I decorated both. But when I saw

916
00:48:06,840 --> 00:48:11,120
Speaker 1: his face, when he saw that tree I had bought,

917
00:48:12,200 --> 00:48:18,040
Speaker 1: I not only saw his face, I felt the only

918
00:48:18,120 --> 00:48:22,480
Speaker 1: word I can think of is destruction. It destroyed something

919
00:48:22,560 --> 00:48:26,400
Speaker 1: in him that broke my heart. And we never recovered.

920
00:48:27,440 --> 00:48:30,439
Speaker 1: We never recovered from a freaking Christmas tree.

921
00:48:31,400 --> 00:48:33,000
Speaker 2: And I mean because at the end of it, it

922
00:48:33,120 --> 00:48:36,560
Speaker 2: boiled down to you felt like he dismissed how you

923
00:48:36,680 --> 00:48:39,120
Speaker 2: feel and you weren't heard, and he felt like you

924
00:48:39,200 --> 00:48:40,120
Speaker 2: didn't respect him.

925
00:48:40,520 --> 00:48:42,920
Speaker 1: Absolutely, Oh I'm clear about that. But it taught me.

926
00:48:43,440 --> 00:48:46,759
Speaker 1: It taught me how to contain my alpiness. And it

927
00:48:46,880 --> 00:48:49,400
Speaker 1: taught me because see, I could have got that Christmas

928
00:48:49,440 --> 00:48:56,719
Speaker 1: tree in the bed. If I had been conscious, I

929
00:48:56,800 --> 00:49:01,360
Speaker 1: would have worked that bedroom. Them sheets, pillow cases, the

930
00:49:02,960 --> 00:49:06,239
Speaker 1: bed cover everything. I would have had that tree. And

931
00:49:06,360 --> 00:49:06,920
Speaker 1: it's mama.

932
00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:09,840
Speaker 2: And that's the thing that a lot of women do

933
00:49:10,040 --> 00:49:15,080
Speaker 2: not understand. Your feminine energy is power. Power doesn't simply

934
00:49:15,200 --> 00:49:17,520
Speaker 2: mean you have to do everything the man says. Power

935
00:49:17,640 --> 00:49:21,160
Speaker 2: means you can dictate certain things by turning up your

936
00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:24,200
Speaker 2: feminine energy a few more notches, and that feminine energy

937
00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:27,120
Speaker 2: is just the biggest thing that women can learn to

938
00:49:27,160 --> 00:49:30,080
Speaker 2: tap into everywhere that would get them so much more

939
00:49:30,120 --> 00:49:30,600
Speaker 2: out of life.

940
00:49:30,680 --> 00:49:31,759
Speaker 1: Are you married this No?

941
00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:36,000
Speaker 3: So no, I'm not married.

942
00:49:36,200 --> 00:49:39,080
Speaker 1: And for all of the single women, you want to

943
00:49:39,120 --> 00:49:42,920
Speaker 1: be available. When you your intuition kicks in and you

944
00:49:43,080 --> 00:49:46,120
Speaker 1: start where can they find you? Just in general in life,

945
00:49:46,200 --> 00:49:48,000
Speaker 1: where do people go to find.

946
00:49:47,880 --> 00:49:53,600
Speaker 3: They go to Stephans dot com. They give f all

947
00:49:53,680 --> 00:49:56,200
Speaker 3: my books and links to the YouTube and everything.

948
00:49:56,360 --> 00:49:58,640
Speaker 1: Like you're on tour now, you're naming your tours Heal

949
00:49:58,719 --> 00:49:59,080
Speaker 1: my People.

950
00:49:59,160 --> 00:50:01,879
Speaker 2: Right, I'm on tour with the Bobby Price to Heal

951
00:50:01,960 --> 00:50:06,000
Speaker 2: my People tour talking about relationships, trauma, you know, eating right,

952
00:50:06,560 --> 00:50:08,840
Speaker 2: just overall health and just trying to get people on

953
00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:09,600
Speaker 2: that better path.

954
00:50:10,160 --> 00:50:13,759
Speaker 1: Because twenty twenty four is an eight year power and

955
00:50:14,000 --> 00:50:20,040
Speaker 1: everything that we everything's going to be intensified. Your dysfunction,

956
00:50:20,560 --> 00:50:27,040
Speaker 1: your trauma, your power, your money, your purpose, everything is

957
00:50:27,120 --> 00:50:30,319
Speaker 1: going to be intensified in twenty twenty four. So I'm

958
00:50:30,400 --> 00:50:34,480
Speaker 1: really glad that you're here. I thank you for taking

959
00:50:34,560 --> 00:50:38,200
Speaker 1: this time. I'm too old for you, so even if

960
00:50:38,239 --> 00:50:41,360
Speaker 1: your intuition tells you, I'm the one tell your intuition

961
00:50:41,880 --> 00:50:49,480
Speaker 1: you can't obeg. I thank you for being here. Thank

962
00:50:49,480 --> 00:50:54,160
Speaker 1: you as an elder, as a ya yay, as a grandma.

963
00:50:54,680 --> 00:50:57,920
Speaker 1: I want you to know that you've got somebody praying

964
00:50:58,000 --> 00:50:58,239
Speaker 1: for you.

965
00:50:58,600 --> 00:50:58,880
Speaker 3: Thank you.

966
00:50:59,120 --> 00:51:03,440
Speaker 1: I appreciate you work, I see you on purpose, and

967
00:51:03,760 --> 00:51:05,880
Speaker 1: I'm just so excited to be able to have this

968
00:51:06,320 --> 00:51:11,279
Speaker 1: intergenerational conversation. You know, I could probably be your mother's mother.

969
00:51:11,840 --> 00:51:16,440
Speaker 1: I know I look fly and everything, so please know

970
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:20,800
Speaker 1: that and know that anytime you need me on shoulder

971
00:51:20,840 --> 00:51:25,160
Speaker 1: to cry on inside information, I'm just a call away.

972
00:51:25,920 --> 00:51:31,560
Speaker 1: Appreciate this has been the our spot. I've had the

973
00:51:31,800 --> 00:51:39,040
Speaker 1: most absolutely glorious time with my guests, Stefan, not for

974
00:51:39,200 --> 00:51:41,960
Speaker 1: one session, but for two. I don't know what y'all

975
00:51:42,000 --> 00:51:44,239
Speaker 1: got out of it. I really don't even care. I

976
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:49,520
Speaker 1: do hope you do. Remember the independently roaming Penis and China.

977
00:51:50,080 --> 00:51:53,120
Speaker 1: Those are the teachings that happen when you have a

978
00:51:53,239 --> 00:51:56,920
Speaker 1: human base rather than a spirits based relationship, when you're

979
00:51:57,000 --> 00:52:00,160
Speaker 1: leaning on your trauma instead of on your accountability and

980
00:52:00,239 --> 00:52:04,840
Speaker 1: your responsibility when you're being in your human as opposed

981
00:52:04,880 --> 00:52:07,640
Speaker 1: to in a higher purpose, and all of these things

982
00:52:08,480 --> 00:52:12,280
Speaker 1: Stefan and I have talked about. Whatever you're doing, whatever

983
00:52:12,440 --> 00:52:16,000
Speaker 1: you're in, whatever you're calling forth. In twenty twenty four,

984
00:52:16,200 --> 00:52:20,960
Speaker 1: it is going to be intensified. So Stefan and myself

985
00:52:21,080 --> 00:52:24,239
Speaker 1: and so many others of us out here want you

986
00:52:24,440 --> 00:52:28,719
Speaker 1: to be in alignment in your relationship with yourself, your

987
00:52:28,760 --> 00:52:33,200
Speaker 1: relationship with your creator, your relationship with your partner, your children,

988
00:52:33,280 --> 00:52:34,200
Speaker 1: your parents.

989
00:52:34,480 --> 00:52:35,360
Speaker 3: And the earth.

990
00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:38,480
Speaker 1: So do the work, do the work, do the work,

991
00:52:38,560 --> 00:52:44,560
Speaker 1: do the work, and get yourself in order. Yeah, because

992
00:52:44,600 --> 00:52:48,080
Speaker 1: I want you to be in peace and not in pieces.

993
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:52,240
Speaker 1: I'll see you next time, writing on the R spote.

994
00:52:56,400 --> 00:52:59,719
Speaker 1: The R Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in

995
00:52:59,800 --> 00:53:05,520
Speaker 1: partnership with iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit

996
00:53:05,600 --> 00:53:09,880
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to

997
00:53:10,280 --> 00:53:11,320
Speaker 1: your favorite shows.