1 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:08,959 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:11,680 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,200 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:23,960 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:24,840 --> 00:00:29,200 Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode. New listeners, old listeners. It's 6 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:30,960 Speaker 1: so great to have you here, so great to have 7 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:35,040 Speaker 1: you back for our first ever holiday special. I know 8 00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:37,960 Speaker 1: it's a little bit late. I'm sorry, but I hope 9 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:41,000 Speaker 1: that we can perhaps or still have a moment of 10 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,400 Speaker 1: reflection and maybe it's able to help some of us 11 00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:49,040 Speaker 1: who are feeling particularly lonely during this period during the 12 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:53,240 Speaker 1: holiday period. First of all, before we jump into this 13 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:57,720 Speaker 1: discussion around loneliness, I just want to say happy holidays, 14 00:00:57,840 --> 00:01:01,160 Speaker 1: Happy New Year to all who are celebrating. Before we 15 00:01:01,240 --> 00:01:04,759 Speaker 1: jump into the psychology, I just want to thank everyone 16 00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:09,280 Speaker 1: for their support this year. It's been absolutely crazy, Like 17 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:15,600 Speaker 1: I have no way of even describing how overwhelmed and 18 00:01:16,319 --> 00:01:20,280 Speaker 1: grateful I am. It's just insane to me how much 19 00:01:20,319 --> 00:01:23,720 Speaker 1: this show has grown in twelve months. I remember this 20 00:01:23,760 --> 00:01:29,120 Speaker 1: time last year, I felt so little motivation to continue 21 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:32,119 Speaker 1: making episodes. I just felt really burnt out. I felt 22 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:35,000 Speaker 1: like you know no one really cared, but I'm so 23 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:37,280 Speaker 1: glad I continued to do it. I'm so glad that 24 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:41,720 Speaker 1: I pushed through because now I just feel yeah, so grateful, 25 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,640 Speaker 1: and I just thank you, thank you a million times over. 26 00:01:45,319 --> 00:01:48,840 Speaker 1: Thank you for sharing, thank you for listening, thank you 27 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,880 Speaker 1: for supporting the show. I just cannot say it enough times. 28 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:57,200 Speaker 1: It's really been the absolute highlight of this year. Okay, 29 00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:58,720 Speaker 1: now we're going to do a bit of a segue. 30 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,240 Speaker 1: It's not going to be a segue. We're just going 31 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:02,880 Speaker 1: to jump right into what I want to talk about. 32 00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 1: And what I really want to talk about today is loneliness. 33 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,440 Speaker 1: I know, a bit of a crash, a bit of 34 00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:11,680 Speaker 1: a plummet from all the gratitude and love, but I 35 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:15,919 Speaker 1: honestly think it's such an important topic to discuss at 36 00:02:15,960 --> 00:02:20,079 Speaker 1: all times of the year, but particularly loneliness around the 37 00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:24,880 Speaker 1: holidays and that unique kind of disconnection and isolation we 38 00:02:24,919 --> 00:02:28,320 Speaker 1: tend to feel around the holiday season. And the reason 39 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:31,840 Speaker 1: I wanted to do this was because, A I can 40 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:35,639 Speaker 1: imagine this is a really common experience for many of us, 41 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:39,799 Speaker 1: and be from a personal experience. I've been hanging out 42 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,840 Speaker 1: with my family. I'm back at my family home for 43 00:02:42,919 --> 00:02:48,639 Speaker 1: the holidays, and there is always this really strange feeling 44 00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:53,680 Speaker 1: I get, especially between Christmas and New Year's, when I 45 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:58,480 Speaker 1: feel like, overwhelmingly this sense of isolation and solitude for 46 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:02,080 Speaker 1: no apparent reason. You know, I'm surrounded by my family, 47 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:03,960 Speaker 1: as I'm sure many of us and many of the 48 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 1: listeners are, yet there is this weird empty space that 49 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:13,560 Speaker 1: feels so prominent and hard to ignore. I honestly, this 50 00:03:13,639 --> 00:03:15,959 Speaker 1: time of the year, I feel more alone than ever. 51 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:20,400 Speaker 1: I'm suddenly thinking back on every relationship I've ever had 52 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:23,280 Speaker 1: and feeling this urge to reach out to all my 53 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:27,840 Speaker 1: friends to ward off this really inexplicable loneliness. And I 54 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,760 Speaker 1: swear this happens to me every year around the holiday. 55 00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:33,960 Speaker 1: It's like clockwork, and I have a suspicion I'm not alone, 56 00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,240 Speaker 1: and even if I am, well, I kind of needed 57 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:40,240 Speaker 1: to understand the reason behind this, just for myself, because 58 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:45,040 Speaker 1: it's been puzzling me for literally years, you know, the 59 00:03:45,080 --> 00:03:48,840 Speaker 1: happiest time of the year and I've never felt more alone. 60 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:53,240 Speaker 1: So I wanted to break down some of the explanations 61 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:57,920 Speaker 1: and psychology behind why the holiday season can feel so 62 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:01,320 Speaker 1: lonely at times, especially for those of us who may 63 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:04,760 Speaker 1: be spending this season away from family, if you've had 64 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:09,480 Speaker 1: a particularly hard year, maybe you're grieving a loved one 65 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 1: or missing someone in particular, been through a breakup, or 66 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:17,680 Speaker 1: you could just be feeling lonely for no reason at all, 67 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:20,600 Speaker 1: and that is just as valid and it's something we'll 68 00:04:20,680 --> 00:04:25,120 Speaker 1: discussed more. I think it's important as always to normalize 69 00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:29,960 Speaker 1: not feeling normal and happy all the time, and that's 70 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,520 Speaker 1: especially pertinent for this time of the year, when there 71 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:36,279 Speaker 1: is a huge expectation I think, to feel joyous and 72 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:41,440 Speaker 1: extroverted and happy and grateful, and sometimes it's really hard 73 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:44,840 Speaker 1: to feel that way even during a normal period or 74 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:48,279 Speaker 1: a normal month where the expectations aren't as high and 75 00:04:48,279 --> 00:04:52,080 Speaker 1: the point of comparison is less prominent than it is 76 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,440 Speaker 1: at Christmas, and it is during the holiday. So let's 77 00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:59,000 Speaker 1: dissect the loneliness we often feel during the holiday season 78 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:02,240 Speaker 1: and provide I had some explanation for why you might 79 00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:06,080 Speaker 1: be feeling this way, So buckle in for our holiday 80 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:14,880 Speaker 1: episode for the year. I can imagine that many of 81 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,720 Speaker 1: us are feeling quite lonely, maybe a bit off, a 82 00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:22,280 Speaker 1: bit strange at this time of the year. Maybe not, 83 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:25,240 Speaker 1: Maybe it's just me, but I'm fairly sure this is 84 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:28,800 Speaker 1: a pretty common experience just from speaking to friends and 85 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 1: to other people around me. And I've read this article 86 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:36,320 Speaker 1: whilst I was kind of researching this episode that the 87 00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:40,960 Speaker 1: holiday season and holiday loneliness is a lot more common 88 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:44,520 Speaker 1: than we think, and not just for those who find 89 00:05:44,560 --> 00:05:49,240 Speaker 1: themselves physically alone as well. Feeling a bit down this 90 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:53,040 Speaker 1: time of the year is actually incredibly normal and should 91 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:56,400 Speaker 1: probably be spoken about more. And it happens for many 92 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:59,240 Speaker 1: reasons that we're going to discuss in a moment, but 93 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:03,960 Speaker 1: before then, and let's do a quick refresher on the anatomy, 94 00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:07,880 Speaker 1: some of the background information and the things that we 95 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:13,120 Speaker 1: ought to know about loneliness. Loneliness, I think is an 96 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:20,440 Speaker 1: incredibly personal concept and an incredibly personal idea. Each person's 97 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:25,240 Speaker 1: idea of what loneliness is, the reactions that it creates, 98 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:29,440 Speaker 1: the triggers, the reasons behind why we feel lonely is 99 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,560 Speaker 1: going to be completely different. And of course there are 100 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:38,120 Speaker 1: some pretty typical ones social isolation, maybe you've moved cities, 101 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:41,839 Speaker 1: maybe you're separated from your loved ones. That are quite common. 102 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:47,120 Speaker 1: But once again, loneliness is so subjective and what might 103 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:51,560 Speaker 1: make one person feel really lonely, and really alone is 104 00:06:51,839 --> 00:06:54,440 Speaker 1: not the same as what it might be for someone else. 105 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:59,360 Speaker 1: I think there's also a key distinction between being alone 106 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:05,360 Speaker 1: physically and socially and the actual idea of loneliness. They're 107 00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:10,480 Speaker 1: completely different concepts. I think someone can be physically alone 108 00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:16,320 Speaker 1: and you can feel completely content, you don't feel any sadness, 109 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,640 Speaker 1: no pangs of loneliness, no need to reach out. And 110 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:23,800 Speaker 1: then there's someone who is physically alone who might feel 111 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:28,320 Speaker 1: incredibly lonely. But it's also entirely possible to be experiencing 112 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:32,560 Speaker 1: loneliness whilst being surrounded by friends and family. I think 113 00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:36,400 Speaker 1: typically how we see loneliness is the absence of other 114 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:39,560 Speaker 1: people around us, but that's not always the case. There 115 00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:43,320 Speaker 1: is this massive distinction that loneliness is very much a 116 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:47,160 Speaker 1: mental and a cognitive function that isn't always tied to 117 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,360 Speaker 1: what's in our physical environment and how many people we're 118 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:53,640 Speaker 1: seeing and the people in our lives. You can feel 119 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:57,600 Speaker 1: lonely in a massive, crowded room, you can feel lonely 120 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,120 Speaker 1: when you are surrounded by the people that you love 121 00:08:00,240 --> 00:08:03,800 Speaker 1: the most. Because it is a cognitive thought, a cognitive 122 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:08,680 Speaker 1: reaction to something more internal than external I think it's 123 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:13,080 Speaker 1: also important to state our thresholds. Our individual thresholds for 124 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:17,360 Speaker 1: loneliness are also very much subjective and based on our 125 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:21,720 Speaker 1: own personal needs for connection and with that social interaction 126 00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:24,960 Speaker 1: as well. I know people in my life who don't 127 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:28,440 Speaker 1: need a lot of social interaction at all. They can 128 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:30,840 Speaker 1: see someone like once a week and that's all they 129 00:08:30,920 --> 00:08:35,120 Speaker 1: need to feel happy and content and healthy. And then 130 00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:40,600 Speaker 1: there's others such as myself, who you know, I constantly 131 00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:43,560 Speaker 1: need to be in contact with friends or family all 132 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:47,800 Speaker 1: the time, and even then I still feel alone sometimes 133 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:50,960 Speaker 1: even when I've seen people you know, earlier that day, 134 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,120 Speaker 1: or even now when I'm home with my family. It's 135 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:58,600 Speaker 1: this weird, inexplicable sensation of having people around you and 136 00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:02,359 Speaker 1: yet not feeling as connected as you hoped. And loneliness 137 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:08,400 Speaker 1: can happen whenever whatever's happening, whatever's happening around you, and 138 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:12,280 Speaker 1: even if you aren't feeling particularly socially isolated, and it 139 00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:17,400 Speaker 1: does also have a pretty powerful mental impact on our health. 140 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:20,959 Speaker 1: I think I did a whole episode about this and 141 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,760 Speaker 1: so common in our twenties, right, we're trying to find 142 00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:28,760 Speaker 1: our feet, We're trying to discover what our relationships mean 143 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:31,880 Speaker 1: to us and the people around us, and we're shifting jobs, 144 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:35,280 Speaker 1: we're shifting from school and to work, and moving out 145 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,800 Speaker 1: of home and losing friends and breaking up with our 146 00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:41,040 Speaker 1: partners for the first time. It is, I think, a 147 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:47,440 Speaker 1: defining mechanism, a defining experience of this decade of our twenties. 148 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:51,000 Speaker 1: It's interesting, though, because a lot of the research that 149 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,560 Speaker 1: you will find on loneliness if you go digging for it, 150 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,760 Speaker 1: if you go looking for it, it centers a lot 151 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,760 Speaker 1: on older adults, on people who are elderly or living 152 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:03,440 Speaker 1: in nursing homes, despite the fact that I think you 153 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:07,479 Speaker 1: can feel lonely at any age, and our twenties are 154 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:12,320 Speaker 1: also a pretty defining decade, i'd say, for this feeling 155 00:10:12,320 --> 00:10:17,240 Speaker 1: and for this experience when you feel socially isolated. Studies 156 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:20,200 Speaker 1: have shown that loneliness and the loneliness that you feel 157 00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:25,160 Speaker 1: can be as painful and as impactful as if you 158 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:32,440 Speaker 1: were in physical pain or experiencing some form of physical trauma. 159 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:35,360 Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure we've all experienced this. You know, that 160 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:40,680 Speaker 1: tightness in our chest, that kind of coldish sting of 161 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:47,920 Speaker 1: feeling alone, and that feeling that activates the same neurological pathways, 162 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:52,600 Speaker 1: the same parts of our brain that respond to physical pain, 163 00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:56,960 Speaker 1: and of course it has an evolutionary explanation. Right We 164 00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:03,360 Speaker 1: are tribal social creatures, were pack animals, and our survival 165 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:06,760 Speaker 1: in the past was dependent on being surrounded by others. 166 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:10,280 Speaker 1: You know, we could not go at the wilderness, go 167 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:14,920 Speaker 1: out life by ourselves. We needed safety insecurity in numbers 168 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:18,200 Speaker 1: so that people could help build shelters whilst others help 169 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,640 Speaker 1: to collect food and water and raise the children and 170 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:25,560 Speaker 1: provide security and protection from whatever was out there. So 171 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 1: instinctually and naturally nowadays, those parts of our brains, of 172 00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:33,760 Speaker 1: course still exist, and they're still going to react in 173 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:37,080 Speaker 1: the same way. When we feel that we aren't surrounded 174 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:38,559 Speaker 1: by the people that we would like to be, or 175 00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:41,280 Speaker 1: when we feel alone, we're going to have that same 176 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:44,800 Speaker 1: instinctual reaction of like, oh my god, my survival is 177 00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:48,360 Speaker 1: at risk. I need to find people to be around. 178 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,440 Speaker 1: I need to make my way back into the pack 179 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,480 Speaker 1: and back into the tribe in order to feel that 180 00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:57,679 Speaker 1: safety and security. That's an explanation for why loneliness can 181 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:01,800 Speaker 1: hurt so much. Search is also shown that people who 182 00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:07,400 Speaker 1: enjoy and have and cultivate strong social ties, they actually 183 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:11,319 Speaker 1: tend to live longer. On average, it was four years longer, 184 00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:18,040 Speaker 1: and they also protect our social relationships also protect against 185 00:12:18,559 --> 00:12:23,640 Speaker 1: cognitive decline and mental deterioration because those parts of our 186 00:12:23,679 --> 00:12:27,280 Speaker 1: brains that are activated when we socialize, when we interact, 187 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:30,800 Speaker 1: when we connect with someone else, when we can offer 188 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:35,200 Speaker 1: them empathy and share a really nice conversation, those parts 189 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,320 Speaker 1: of our brain are really important for our functioning and 190 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:42,480 Speaker 1: other areas of life. It's also interesting they did this 191 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:46,360 Speaker 1: study on more than I think like three thousand participants, 192 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:50,439 Speaker 1: and it showed that people who were lonely, especially when 193 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:53,320 Speaker 1: they were older, had a higher rate of dementia as well, 194 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:59,880 Speaker 1: which just proves that being properly socially connected, whatever that 195 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:04,800 Speaker 1: means for you, is so valuable. I will also say 196 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:09,640 Speaker 1: that certain studies and research they do suggest that loneliness 197 00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:13,200 Speaker 1: every now and again may be a beneficial thing when 198 00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:17,080 Speaker 1: it's in small doses. A bit of solitude is actually 199 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:22,439 Speaker 1: quite beneficial because it can allow us to prioritize and 200 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:27,280 Speaker 1: focus on the relationships that do matter to us by recognizing, 201 00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:31,319 Speaker 1: I guess whose absence is most profound, and hopefully giving 202 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:36,000 Speaker 1: that relationship more attention. A healthy dose of being alone 203 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:39,160 Speaker 1: as well, I think is really beneficial for being able 204 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:45,440 Speaker 1: to focus inward without distractions, without people around us, without 205 00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:51,000 Speaker 1: their opinions, and in those moments where we aren't being 206 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,880 Speaker 1: called one way or another by the people around us, 207 00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:57,200 Speaker 1: when we don't feel the need to constantly be talking 208 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,600 Speaker 1: to people or keeping up our social relationships, we can 209 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,600 Speaker 1: really uncover some of the issues that we've potentially been 210 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:07,120 Speaker 1: ignoring or even suppressing. And the time we end up 211 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:10,560 Speaker 1: spending alone with ourselves, I believe is some of the 212 00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:17,240 Speaker 1: most valuable because we can honestly reflect, look inward, be 213 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:23,440 Speaker 1: frustrated with ourselves, be annoyed, but also be incredibly candid 214 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,920 Speaker 1: about what we want and who we would like to be. 215 00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,800 Speaker 1: That being said, there is a time and a place 216 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:36,360 Speaker 1: for these experiences and the deep contemplation that's often brought 217 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:41,440 Speaker 1: forth by loneliness and the holidays. It's not always a 218 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:44,520 Speaker 1: pleasant experience, right, and it's not always the best time 219 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,320 Speaker 1: of the year when we are surrounded by joy and 220 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:53,440 Speaker 1: there is this expectation of seeing our families feeling lonely, 221 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:57,840 Speaker 1: that period of solitude, it's perhaps not the greatest time 222 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:02,040 Speaker 1: to be having that feeling back to kind of that 223 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:06,360 Speaker 1: loneliness during the holidays conundrum, that real focus of what 224 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,600 Speaker 1: we're talking about today. There are so many factors that 225 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,480 Speaker 1: can contribute to this feeling during this time of the year. 226 00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:14,880 Speaker 1: I honestly I was trying to list some I was 227 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,600 Speaker 1: thinking them through all day to day, trying to put 228 00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:19,480 Speaker 1: my finger on it, and I don't actually think we 229 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:23,040 Speaker 1: can even start to cover them all in this episode. 230 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:26,760 Speaker 1: But the primary ones I think are important to discuss are, 231 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:34,360 Speaker 1: of course, firstly, our family relationships, good or bad. Even 232 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:40,600 Speaker 1: the most perfect family dynamics, the most perfect family can 233 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:45,280 Speaker 1: be overwhelming after a while, especially if you're not used 234 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:49,120 Speaker 1: to having this kind of exposure, or you're used to 235 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:52,440 Speaker 1: having an element of independence, and you know you might 236 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:57,560 Speaker 1: live elsewhere and you're coming back for the holidays and Christmas. 237 00:15:57,720 --> 00:16:02,320 Speaker 1: Is this like rapid and intense exposure to family and 238 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:07,600 Speaker 1: the family dynamics, the history, the chaos, sometimes even the drama, 239 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:11,560 Speaker 1: and that can be not only quite exhausting but also 240 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:16,560 Speaker 1: kind of like frustrating and yeah, really intense when you're 241 00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,320 Speaker 1: used to the support of a family from a distance, 242 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:24,040 Speaker 1: and that exposure, that closeness doesn't always have the desired effect, 243 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:27,520 Speaker 1: and it can actually make us feel even more disconnected 244 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:31,600 Speaker 1: because we're sitting amongst our family members where exposed to 245 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:35,440 Speaker 1: them in this like really heightened intense environment, and we 246 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:39,520 Speaker 1: can just feel incredibly exhausted and we really just want 247 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,520 Speaker 1: to shut down. We're not actually quite We're not actually 248 00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:45,360 Speaker 1: used to this. It can be so overwhelming. Then, of course, 249 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,520 Speaker 1: there are those of us who may have a strained 250 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:53,960 Speaker 1: or even non existent relationship with our family, and this 251 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:59,520 Speaker 1: period can be especially difficult and almost beckon in a 252 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:05,120 Speaker 1: lot of loneliness and sadness for very obvious reasons. So 253 00:17:05,160 --> 00:17:07,400 Speaker 1: I think if that is you and you relate to that, 254 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:10,840 Speaker 1: I'm sending you so much love. There really is no 255 00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:14,960 Speaker 1: explanation I think that I can provide for this experience. 256 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:17,600 Speaker 1: And I hate when people say things like, oh it 257 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,960 Speaker 1: makes you stronger, or things happen for a reason. Just 258 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:23,680 Speaker 1: know that there are people who love you, and I'm 259 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:26,520 Speaker 1: sending you strength for what I'm sure can be a 260 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,879 Speaker 1: really tough time. I think even if we do have 261 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:33,320 Speaker 1: a relationship with our family for the holidays and we 262 00:17:33,359 --> 00:17:35,439 Speaker 1: are able to go and see them during this time, 263 00:17:36,119 --> 00:17:39,320 Speaker 1: sometimes that can also be really strained or we feel 264 00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,359 Speaker 1: like there are elements of ourselves that we can't be 265 00:17:41,359 --> 00:17:45,320 Speaker 1: completely honest about, or elements of ourselves which aren't going 266 00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:50,240 Speaker 1: to receive the full respect that we really deserve, especially 267 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:54,200 Speaker 1: when it comes to our families. Christmas, the holidays, whatever 268 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:58,280 Speaker 1: you celebrate, if it means exposure to family, it can 269 00:17:58,359 --> 00:18:03,000 Speaker 1: sometimes mean it can dealing those elements and characteristics and 270 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,359 Speaker 1: as a result, feeling a lot less like ourselves and 271 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:11,080 Speaker 1: therefore more disconnected. And I think a final element that 272 00:18:11,119 --> 00:18:14,239 Speaker 1: comes into this is if we're grieving someone, If this 273 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:18,560 Speaker 1: is your first Christmas without someone really important to you, 274 00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:23,960 Speaker 1: I know this time can be particularly challenging, especially with 275 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:28,119 Speaker 1: that narrative and that emphasis on family and being surrounded 276 00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:33,480 Speaker 1: by your loved ones this time of the year is 277 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:36,840 Speaker 1: particularly hard. We feel this pressure to bring our loved 278 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:40,239 Speaker 1: ones close and to spend time with family, and not 279 00:18:40,359 --> 00:18:43,720 Speaker 1: being able to do that for whatever reason, whether it's 280 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:47,800 Speaker 1: because of a separation or a death, or because of 281 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:51,440 Speaker 1: a strained relationship with our family. I think that of course, 282 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:55,600 Speaker 1: is especially painful. And it's no wonder that if you 283 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:59,720 Speaker 1: are going through this situation you might be feeling particularly lonely, 284 00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:05,119 Speaker 1: particularly disconnected. I read this really interesting article when I 285 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,400 Speaker 1: was researching this. The holidays they're actually often the hardest 286 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:12,119 Speaker 1: for those who don't have that reliable support system or 287 00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:15,639 Speaker 1: who don't have access to family in the way that 288 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:19,520 Speaker 1: many of us do. This includes, I guess all those 289 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,080 Speaker 1: things we just talked about, people who've lost loved ones, 290 00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:27,760 Speaker 1: maybe have a strained relationship and non existent relationship. Maybe 291 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:30,280 Speaker 1: you've had to put up a boundary like we talked 292 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:33,479 Speaker 1: about last week, and that wasn't respected by your family 293 00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:37,440 Speaker 1: members and cutting off contact, not being in their life 294 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:42,080 Speaker 1: for the holiday season was the only way to move forward. Additionally, 295 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:46,119 Speaker 1: the holidays, they're often full of these scenes everywhere we 296 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:51,639 Speaker 1: look on social media, on the television of people spending 297 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,280 Speaker 1: really happy and joyous times with their family and friends, 298 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,560 Speaker 1: leading a lot of us, they think, or some of us, 299 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:02,520 Speaker 1: to feel you're maybe the only one without someone in 300 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:06,480 Speaker 1: their life during this time. Of course, I know that's 301 00:20:06,480 --> 00:20:09,399 Speaker 1: not the case. You know that's not the case. But 302 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:12,760 Speaker 1: it's all wrapped up in this idea of comparison. The 303 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:16,280 Speaker 1: thing we all do, we all compare, and it's a 304 00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:20,000 Speaker 1: huge contributor to loneliness in the holiday season. I want 305 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:22,000 Speaker 1: to talk a little bit more about comparison because I 306 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,800 Speaker 1: think it's really important when we talk about loneliness during 307 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:29,720 Speaker 1: the holiday season, this time is a time for oversharing. 308 00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:33,800 Speaker 1: We see people in love, people traveling, people with their 309 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:38,120 Speaker 1: families and beautiful partners they get to spend the holidays with. 310 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,760 Speaker 1: We see them in front of their Christmas tree with 311 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:46,000 Speaker 1: all their gifts, and you know, this big extended group 312 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:50,560 Speaker 1: of people. I think I've said it before, but I 313 00:20:50,560 --> 00:20:55,400 Speaker 1: think it's important to stress again in those instances. Comparison 314 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:59,000 Speaker 1: is a real thief of joy here. It's honestly one 315 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:02,000 Speaker 1: of the phrases I lived by after hearing it, I 316 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:04,159 Speaker 1: think a few years ago and now I and I 317 00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:07,399 Speaker 1: know personally I say it to myself so much. You know, 318 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:10,480 Speaker 1: comparison is a thief of joy. But I know personally 319 00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:14,000 Speaker 1: it can be such a challenge not to compare. You know, 320 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,880 Speaker 1: I just did a whole episode on this a few 321 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:19,240 Speaker 1: weeks ago. But especially at times like this, it's just 322 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:24,760 Speaker 1: so easy. It's everywhere you look. It's across billboards, it's 323 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:28,560 Speaker 1: literally everywhere. It's on our phones, it's in the conversations 324 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:31,080 Speaker 1: we have with colleagues, it's in the group chats that 325 00:21:31,119 --> 00:21:36,360 Speaker 1: we're in. But comparison, it can exacerbate so much loneliness 326 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:40,280 Speaker 1: and so many insecurities we might already have, and with 327 00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:43,360 Speaker 1: our lives often on display around the holiday season, with 328 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,520 Speaker 1: people you know sharing their home cooked meals and their 329 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:49,520 Speaker 1: trees and their gifts and their family, it can be 330 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:55,280 Speaker 1: especially hard to avoid this and of course can make 331 00:21:55,400 --> 00:22:00,159 Speaker 1: us feel even more disconnected and can really heighten what 332 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:03,359 Speaker 1: might always already be a sense of judgment around what 333 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:07,120 Speaker 1: we don't have, and a sense of our lives lacking. 334 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:18,560 Speaker 1: Of course, all of these factors, our family, our friends, 335 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:23,760 Speaker 1: our social environment are very pertinent, are very important to consider, 336 00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:26,480 Speaker 1: but there are other elements of our environment I think 337 00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:30,560 Speaker 1: also contribute to loneliness around this time, especially if you're 338 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:34,399 Speaker 1: living somewhere where it's really dark and cold during the holidays, 339 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:39,760 Speaker 1: Seasonal effective disorder, seasonal depression. It does not play around 340 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,879 Speaker 1: and on top of many of these other factors and experiences, 341 00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:48,160 Speaker 1: think you know that separation from family, that's financial things 342 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,479 Speaker 1: to think about, there's the stress from the business of 343 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:55,600 Speaker 1: this year. Our environment is obviously going to play a 344 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,760 Speaker 1: huge part, and as we know, our environment is a 345 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:01,760 Speaker 1: massive determinant to our state of mind and our well being. 346 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:06,200 Speaker 1: And often our mental state can mimic our external surroundings. 347 00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,080 Speaker 1: So if you are already in a vulnerable state because 348 00:23:09,119 --> 00:23:11,720 Speaker 1: you know that this year you don't get or go home, 349 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,720 Speaker 1: maybe you're working because you have that stream relationship with 350 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:20,280 Speaker 1: your family, and then suddenly it's freezing cold and it's 351 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:26,199 Speaker 1: super dark and it just feels gross outside. I can 352 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:29,800 Speaker 1: imagine all of those factors really play on top of 353 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,760 Speaker 1: each other, they play into each other and create that 354 00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:36,320 Speaker 1: feeling of loneliness that has been the point of this discussion. 355 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:41,080 Speaker 1: Another one that's really interesting for me that someone I 356 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:44,119 Speaker 1: know actually brought up was that when we go home 357 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:47,480 Speaker 1: for the holidays, or when we travel or we're going 358 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:51,600 Speaker 1: to see family, there is this loss of consistency in 359 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:55,600 Speaker 1: the habits and the lifestyle that we normally keep, and 360 00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:58,360 Speaker 1: a kind of a disruption to the peace and normalcy 361 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:00,880 Speaker 1: of everyday life. I find this when I come home 362 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,960 Speaker 1: right like I'm used to waking up at a certain time, 363 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,520 Speaker 1: getting to choose what I want to do when I 364 00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:11,520 Speaker 1: want to do it, being able to see my friends. 365 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:14,440 Speaker 1: You know, none of my friends live, you know, only 366 00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:16,640 Speaker 1: a couple of them actually live where my parents live, 367 00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:21,320 Speaker 1: So it's like an immediate seven day period of time 368 00:24:21,359 --> 00:24:25,679 Speaker 1: where the only social connection I have in person is 369 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:30,160 Speaker 1: my family, and that is so disruptive, and I always think, like, oh, 370 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,920 Speaker 1: what's going on without me? Like I get this almost foamo, 371 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:35,920 Speaker 1: and then I feel guilt. I'm like, oh, I haven't 372 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:37,840 Speaker 1: seen my family and so long I want to be 373 00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:41,840 Speaker 1: spending time with them. I love them, I enjoy their company, 374 00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:44,879 Speaker 1: but I'm also used to having the life that I 375 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:48,960 Speaker 1: have that is separate from them, And when the holidays 376 00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,760 Speaker 1: come around, it's this kind of big disruption to that, 377 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,680 Speaker 1: and I have to recalibrate so much of my life 378 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:58,160 Speaker 1: to adapt to this weird period in which everything gets 379 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:04,679 Speaker 1: put on pause. I think also there can many times 380 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:09,920 Speaker 1: during this period be these unrealistic expectations and memories this nostalgia. 381 00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:12,400 Speaker 1: And I think nostalgia is one of the most beautiful 382 00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:15,640 Speaker 1: parts about being human, Like it's incredible that we can 383 00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:19,560 Speaker 1: reflect on beautiful times in our lives and feel those 384 00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:23,280 Speaker 1: same feelings and those same sensations, Like that's just wonderful. 385 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:28,080 Speaker 1: But it also comes with its downsides, for sure, particularly 386 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:31,760 Speaker 1: when we think about memories of past holidays or past 387 00:25:31,840 --> 00:25:35,080 Speaker 1: Christmases or whatever where you did get to celebrate with 388 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:39,160 Speaker 1: loved ones and everything went perfectly, and you know, you've 389 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:41,280 Speaker 1: got to see everyone that you loved and spend time 390 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:44,160 Speaker 1: with your friends and your family. And maybe this year 391 00:25:44,200 --> 00:25:46,560 Speaker 1: that wasn't the case. Things came up, you weren't able 392 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:49,320 Speaker 1: to be close with them, you weren't able to make 393 00:25:49,359 --> 00:25:52,320 Speaker 1: it back. Maybe you don't have that relationship with your 394 00:25:52,359 --> 00:25:56,560 Speaker 1: family anymore, you can't afford to make that trip. And 395 00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:01,400 Speaker 1: thinking back on those times when the situation was perfect, 396 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:03,520 Speaker 1: when when you were able to make those memories, can 397 00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:07,800 Speaker 1: be even more difficult. I think often when we're unable 398 00:26:07,840 --> 00:26:10,720 Speaker 1: to get together with friends and family, it can make 399 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:14,040 Speaker 1: us even more nostalgic, and we remember these old times 400 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:17,639 Speaker 1: when everything was different, and it can make us feel 401 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:22,119 Speaker 1: pretty down and pretty unhappy, especially when we imagine that 402 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:25,400 Speaker 1: this loneliness that we might be feeling will possist, which 403 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:27,760 Speaker 1: we know it weren't. It's not going to last forever, 404 00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,560 Speaker 1: but it's very easy to say that. It's very easy 405 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,679 Speaker 1: for me to say that, and it's a very different 406 00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:39,080 Speaker 1: thing to believe that. And finally, loneliness during the holidays, 407 00:26:39,119 --> 00:26:42,000 Speaker 1: why does it happen often because it's a time to 408 00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:47,200 Speaker 1: reflect during the holiday period we often get leave from 409 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:52,399 Speaker 1: university and work. It's a period of rest. Everything's on pause, 410 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:58,680 Speaker 1: and with that comes a lack of things to keep 411 00:26:58,800 --> 00:27:04,040 Speaker 1: us occupied. When we think about our everyday lives, there 412 00:27:04,160 --> 00:27:07,800 Speaker 1: is so much to busy our minds with. You know, 413 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:10,520 Speaker 1: you've got work, you've got to go to uni, you've 414 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,080 Speaker 1: got to keep up with your friends, you've got to 415 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:16,000 Speaker 1: keep up with the gym, or keep up with your hobbies, 416 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:19,640 Speaker 1: and there's so many things, so many things that are 417 00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:23,560 Speaker 1: on our mind. But when those things do go on pause, 418 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:27,960 Speaker 1: such as during this period, and they disappear, we no 419 00:27:28,040 --> 00:27:31,679 Speaker 1: longer have that distraction, and we recognize that that's maybe 420 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,919 Speaker 1: actually what they are, a distraction from what some of 421 00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:39,200 Speaker 1: our deeper and truer feelings may be. And in this 422 00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:43,760 Speaker 1: period around the holidays, those very feelings that we've suppressed 423 00:27:43,760 --> 00:27:46,600 Speaker 1: they come back in full force, and that results in 424 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:50,520 Speaker 1: some of that discomfort and loneliness. That's a key point 425 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:53,480 Speaker 1: that I was thinking about when I was writing today's episode. 426 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:58,840 Speaker 1: Of course, we cannot talk about this experience of the loneliness, 427 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:06,720 Speaker 1: this sensation without talking about expectations and the external expectations 428 00:28:07,359 --> 00:28:11,119 Speaker 1: placed on us throughout this time. The hype, to be 429 00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,840 Speaker 1: happy and to be grateful. You know, it's everywhere the 430 00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,280 Speaker 1: most wonderful time of the year, a time of joy 431 00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:22,639 Speaker 1: and gratitude and love and family. And implicit within that 432 00:28:22,760 --> 00:28:25,320 Speaker 1: expectation is that if you cannot feel that way, if 433 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:29,119 Speaker 1: you are struggling, if you are really just not feeling it, 434 00:28:29,160 --> 00:28:31,440 Speaker 1: if you're away from your family and friends, if you're 435 00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:34,400 Speaker 1: feeling alone, or maybe you just wish you had somebody, 436 00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:38,560 Speaker 1: you're a bit of a grinch. I see this. It's everywhere. 437 00:28:38,640 --> 00:28:41,600 Speaker 1: It's everywhere, it's in movies, it's in the narrative told 438 00:28:41,640 --> 00:28:44,920 Speaker 1: around us that the holiday should be reveled like not 439 00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:48,320 Speaker 1: the time of the year, and that is going to 440 00:28:48,320 --> 00:28:50,680 Speaker 1: put that place is so much pressure on us. So 441 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:53,920 Speaker 1: even if you are struggling, even if you are just 442 00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:56,160 Speaker 1: really not having a great time, it's going to make 443 00:28:56,200 --> 00:28:59,160 Speaker 1: you feel so much guilt and shame, and it's going 444 00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:01,320 Speaker 1: to make it feel like you are the problem because 445 00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:04,800 Speaker 1: this narrative is being pushed across every platform to be 446 00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:09,520 Speaker 1: happy and to be grateful. Honestly, someone needs to write 447 00:29:09,560 --> 00:29:12,560 Speaker 1: a Christmas album for those who are spending the holidays alone, 448 00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:15,920 Speaker 1: like we need to change the narrative or like maybe 449 00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:19,440 Speaker 1: a sad rom com or just a normal rom com 450 00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:22,760 Speaker 1: where you are just a happy single person who can't 451 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:25,680 Speaker 1: make it home for the holidays, and I don't know, 452 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:27,880 Speaker 1: you buy yourself like a family sized potato bake and 453 00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:32,080 Speaker 1: a bottle of wine, like it's just another day. Like Hallmark, 454 00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,600 Speaker 1: the rights are available, you need to buy this movie. 455 00:29:35,080 --> 00:29:37,960 Speaker 1: I honestly think it would sell because that is the 456 00:29:38,040 --> 00:29:40,719 Speaker 1: case for so many of us, for so many people, 457 00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:43,680 Speaker 1: like this is just not a special time, like everyone 458 00:29:43,760 --> 00:29:45,720 Speaker 1: is telling us that it should be, for all of 459 00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:49,640 Speaker 1: those reasons that we've discussed, for so many reasons, like 460 00:29:49,720 --> 00:29:53,960 Speaker 1: there's already this sense of I think depression and this 461 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:57,320 Speaker 1: lack of things to distract us, and these expectations that 462 00:29:57,360 --> 00:29:59,920 Speaker 1: this needs to be amazing. And then you combine that 463 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:03,160 Speaker 1: with like the environmental factors or the fact that you 464 00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:05,840 Speaker 1: may be not close to your family, you know, the 465 00:30:05,880 --> 00:30:09,080 Speaker 1: family being the pillar of this season, and it all 466 00:30:09,120 --> 00:30:11,040 Speaker 1: just kind of gets wrapped up in this feeling of 467 00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:14,640 Speaker 1: disconnection for many of us, and maybe it even results 468 00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:18,040 Speaker 1: and you're dreading the holiday season, that external and even 469 00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:25,080 Speaker 1: internal expectation making it so much worse. So what can 470 00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:29,240 Speaker 1: we do if you are feeling this way right now. 471 00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:33,520 Speaker 1: If you're coming out of Christmas and just feeling really 472 00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:38,320 Speaker 1: down about yourself and just feeling a little bit lost, 473 00:30:38,880 --> 00:30:42,080 Speaker 1: a little bit lonely, I think the first thing to 474 00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:44,920 Speaker 1: do is just to find that, you know, whatever it 475 00:30:45,040 --> 00:30:50,400 Speaker 1: is the small joys that give you meaning and the 476 00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:54,200 Speaker 1: things that you can enjoy about this time, whether it 477 00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:56,960 Speaker 1: is the holiday time if you are someone who is 478 00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:59,800 Speaker 1: on leave at the moment, or it's the cookies and 479 00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:03,440 Speaker 1: the food and the crappy movies, and you know, the 480 00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:07,400 Speaker 1: opportunity to buy yourself a really expensive, ridiculous gift because 481 00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:11,120 Speaker 1: it's Christmas and because it's the holidays, whatever you need, 482 00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:15,560 Speaker 1: you can take advantage or whatever best serves you. If 483 00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:18,320 Speaker 1: it means that you're going to feel better about this 484 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:20,800 Speaker 1: season and if it's going to curb some of your loneliness. 485 00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:26,440 Speaker 1: I think it's also important to think and plan ahead 486 00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:29,840 Speaker 1: about what there is to look forward to when everything 487 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:33,600 Speaker 1: kind of comes back to normal. Maybe it's not planning 488 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:38,120 Speaker 1: a trip or planning something important for you, maybe a concert, 489 00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:40,920 Speaker 1: something that you can look forward to so that you 490 00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:44,520 Speaker 1: don't get I think stuck in the sadness of this 491 00:31:44,560 --> 00:31:48,720 Speaker 1: period of the loneliness and coming into both of those points, like, 492 00:31:48,800 --> 00:31:52,560 Speaker 1: treat yourself honestly, do it. There is nothing that a 493 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:57,120 Speaker 1: little dopamine hit from some retail therapy or some like 494 00:31:57,240 --> 00:32:01,120 Speaker 1: yummy food or whatever, a little gift isn't going to 495 00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:05,680 Speaker 1: help with. It's honestly, you real thing. You've got to 496 00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:09,800 Speaker 1: sometimes be the one to reward yourself, especially if you're 497 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:14,240 Speaker 1: spending the holidays alone. This is a great time to 498 00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,840 Speaker 1: be able to parent yourself and treat yourself the way 499 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:19,640 Speaker 1: that you would want to be treated as if you 500 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:23,520 Speaker 1: were a child, Like treat yourself to the experiences that 501 00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:26,040 Speaker 1: you would want to have at this time. Because you 502 00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:29,600 Speaker 1: really are the person who's in control of your happiness 503 00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:31,840 Speaker 1: for most of the part, you know, not all of it. 504 00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:36,120 Speaker 1: There are obviously other factors, but our happiness is very 505 00:32:36,200 --> 00:32:38,880 Speaker 1: much in our control when we get to decide our 506 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:43,880 Speaker 1: environment and what we give to give to ourselves. Of course, 507 00:32:43,920 --> 00:32:48,880 Speaker 1: they also think it's important to text, call reach out 508 00:32:48,920 --> 00:32:51,760 Speaker 1: to the people that do make you feel sane and connected. 509 00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:54,480 Speaker 1: Reach out to them. I'm sure they would love to 510 00:32:54,520 --> 00:32:58,240 Speaker 1: hear from you, and it's a way of allowing yourself 511 00:32:58,320 --> 00:33:00,960 Speaker 1: to acknowledge that there are people who care about you. 512 00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:04,600 Speaker 1: You're not alone, even if so many aspects of this 513 00:33:04,640 --> 00:33:08,600 Speaker 1: season try and convince us that we are and that 514 00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:10,440 Speaker 1: they are there for you and there are people that 515 00:33:10,600 --> 00:33:13,320 Speaker 1: love you. I think it's also just a great way 516 00:33:13,360 --> 00:33:16,360 Speaker 1: just to get some of that social connection and social 517 00:33:16,400 --> 00:33:21,600 Speaker 1: interaction that can often curb our loneliness. Get off social media. 518 00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:25,960 Speaker 1: This is like the biggest tip. When it's the holiday time, 519 00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:29,560 Speaker 1: I honestly cannot be on social media. I get so 520 00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:36,040 Speaker 1: much fomo. I'm constantly comparing myself. Literally, it's so overwhelming. 521 00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:39,480 Speaker 1: I cannot deal with it. Everyone's on their vacations and 522 00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:43,120 Speaker 1: to having the best time and getting the best Christmas 523 00:33:43,160 --> 00:33:46,880 Speaker 1: gifts and have this beautiful relationship or this beautiful family, 524 00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:50,840 Speaker 1: And I know that for me, comparison, like I said, 525 00:33:51,040 --> 00:33:53,760 Speaker 1: is the thief of joy. So I make a conscious 526 00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:57,280 Speaker 1: decision to stay away for as much as I can 527 00:33:57,320 --> 00:34:00,800 Speaker 1: allow myself to and just put an end to that 528 00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:04,280 Speaker 1: before it even begins. And I use this time instead 529 00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:08,359 Speaker 1: to rest and relax. Rest and relax when you can. 530 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:13,000 Speaker 1: We are so much better able to navigate these feelings 531 00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:16,680 Speaker 1: of isolation, of loneliness, of feeling a little bit crap. 532 00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:20,880 Speaker 1: When we have the mental resources we need at our disposal, 533 00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:25,200 Speaker 1: including a well rested mind. It's so much better for 534 00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:28,480 Speaker 1: our cognitive state when we feel well rested, when we 535 00:34:28,520 --> 00:34:32,239 Speaker 1: have the energy to ward off some of these negative feelings. 536 00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:35,359 Speaker 1: Distract yourself if you have to as well, like just 537 00:34:35,600 --> 00:34:39,279 Speaker 1: go outside, do some shopping, see a friend. If you're 538 00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:42,799 Speaker 1: able to watch Emily in Paris, I don't know, I 539 00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:45,160 Speaker 1: just saw that that came out. I may have been 540 00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:49,120 Speaker 1: schwatched it. It's very fun. Anything that will allow you 541 00:34:49,160 --> 00:34:52,600 Speaker 1: to find those small moments and the small things to 542 00:34:52,640 --> 00:34:57,080 Speaker 1: be grateful for, and these small distractions. And if you 543 00:34:57,120 --> 00:34:59,879 Speaker 1: are someone who spent the holidays alone and you'll listen 544 00:35:00,280 --> 00:35:03,000 Speaker 1: this and relating to this, I just want to say, 545 00:35:03,280 --> 00:35:06,799 Speaker 1: I think you're doing an amazing job. I don't want 546 00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:08,759 Speaker 1: to say I'm sorry. I feel like pity is such 547 00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:12,520 Speaker 1: a terrible feeling to have a lobbied at you, But 548 00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:14,840 Speaker 1: I just think that you deserve a lot of credit. 549 00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:17,879 Speaker 1: I know it can be really, really difficult to go 550 00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:21,759 Speaker 1: through this period by yourself, even for those of us 551 00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:24,200 Speaker 1: who are surrounded by family. You know, some of those 552 00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:26,759 Speaker 1: things we talked about are so real. There is this 553 00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:30,440 Speaker 1: disruption to our daily habits. We don't get to see 554 00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:33,440 Speaker 1: our friends. We're kind of in this state where we 555 00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:36,960 Speaker 1: don't have those distractions that we normally have. Or maybe 556 00:35:37,000 --> 00:35:40,279 Speaker 1: you're just looking around and everyone seems to have a 557 00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:43,319 Speaker 1: perfect relationship, they have someone to spend the holidays with, 558 00:35:43,400 --> 00:35:46,960 Speaker 1: or they have this perfect family and you don't, and 559 00:35:47,560 --> 00:35:50,400 Speaker 1: comparison is really your enemy in those moments. It's so 560 00:35:50,719 --> 00:35:53,879 Speaker 1: much easier said than done. But whatever you can do 561 00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:59,120 Speaker 1: to try and interrupt or disrupt that nasty little comparative beast, 562 00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:02,279 Speaker 1: I think we're better for it. That's all I have 563 00:36:02,400 --> 00:36:04,080 Speaker 1: for you today. I just want to say thank you 564 00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:08,360 Speaker 1: so much for listening to the Christmas special, thank you 565 00:36:08,400 --> 00:36:11,440 Speaker 1: so much for supporting the show this year. Oh my god, 566 00:36:11,480 --> 00:36:15,160 Speaker 1: it's been insane. Next week we are kicking off the 567 00:36:15,280 --> 00:36:18,879 Speaker 1: start of My New Year's series. So the next three 568 00:36:18,920 --> 00:36:21,799 Speaker 1: episodes are all going to be around creating the best 569 00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:25,160 Speaker 1: version of yourself for twenty twenty three and how some 570 00:36:25,239 --> 00:36:29,680 Speaker 1: of the psychology can explain things like New Year's resolutions, 571 00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:32,880 Speaker 1: how to have a mental glow up, how to choose 572 00:36:32,920 --> 00:36:35,799 Speaker 1: the love that you deserve, how to let go of 573 00:36:35,840 --> 00:36:37,960 Speaker 1: the things that do not serve you. So I'm so 574 00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:40,759 Speaker 1: excited I've been doing so much planning and so much 575 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:45,479 Speaker 1: research and it's just incredible and if you do feel 576 00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:47,880 Speaker 1: cool to do so. If you did enjoy this episode, 577 00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,319 Speaker 1: please feel free to leave a five star review on 578 00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:55,359 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, Spotify podcast, wherever you are listening, and make 579 00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:59,720 Speaker 1: sure to follow us at that psychology podcast. Thank you again, 580 00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:02,239 Speaker 1: I will see you later this week. I'll see you 581 00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:04,040 Speaker 1: next week for a new episode.