1 00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:04,000 Speaker 1: Hi. This is Laura Vandercamp. I'm a mother of four, 2 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:08,600 Speaker 1: an author, journalist, and speaker. And this is Sarah hart Hunger. 3 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,920 Speaker 1: I'm a mother of two and soon to be three 4 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:14,159 Speaker 1: and a practicing physician. We are two working parents who 5 00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:17,520 Speaker 1: love our careers and our families. Welcome to best of 6 00:00:17,560 --> 00:00:22,000 Speaker 1: both worlds. Here we talk about how real women manage work, family, 7 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:25,760 Speaker 1: and time for fun, from figuring out childcare to mapping 8 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:28,560 Speaker 1: out long term career goals. We want you to get 9 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:36,560 Speaker 1: the most out of life. Welcome to episode five, where 10 00:00:36,600 --> 00:00:41,720 Speaker 1: we'll be talking about the mental load of parenting, all 11 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,760 Speaker 1: the things we have to think about as parents, and 12 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:46,960 Speaker 1: if there are ways to compress some of this load, 13 00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:51,199 Speaker 1: or share it, or compartmentalize it or even revel in 14 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:55,040 Speaker 1: it occasionally. And one thing we want to talk about 15 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:59,080 Speaker 1: in these podcasts. I know that I have a very 16 00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:02,600 Speaker 1: flexible job. Sarah much less so needs to be in 17 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,720 Speaker 1: the office with her patients, and we really want to 18 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:09,000 Speaker 1: make sure that we are representing all voices in the 19 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:12,560 Speaker 1: working mother community, so we especially love to hear from 20 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:16,000 Speaker 1: people who do need to be in their office, you know, 21 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,160 Speaker 1: nine to five or eight to six or whatever it is. 22 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:21,720 Speaker 1: Monday through Friday, and how you manage making the pieces 23 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,280 Speaker 1: of your life fit together. We'd like to have some 24 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:26,000 Speaker 1: guests on as well, so you can email me El 25 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:28,920 Speaker 1: Vanderkam at yahoo dot com. We would love to hear 26 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,640 Speaker 1: from you about that. You can also reach us on 27 00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:34,039 Speaker 1: social media, which brings me to the question, Sarah, what 28 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,120 Speaker 1: social media are you using these days? Like? What are 29 00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:40,480 Speaker 1: you actually liking in terms of social media? Well? What 30 00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:44,120 Speaker 1: am I not using? First of all, I quit Facebook, 31 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:48,240 Speaker 1: and I think feb I did in about February of 32 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:52,400 Speaker 1: twenty sixteen. It was probably a good time to get off. 33 00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:54,280 Speaker 1: It was a perfect time to get off, but it 34 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:59,680 Speaker 1: wasn't totally for those reasons. She'll go on exactly. I 35 00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:02,440 Speaker 1: was spending a lot of time on this like group thing. 36 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,520 Speaker 1: It was called Physician Mommy Group. I don't really like 37 00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,920 Speaker 1: the name, sorry, but it's actually a very interesting group. 38 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:10,200 Speaker 1: But for some reason it became this like enormous time 39 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,480 Speaker 1: suck for me. And my husband and I were talking 40 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:14,880 Speaker 1: about and he's like, why don't you just quit? I'm like, oh, 41 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,600 Speaker 1: I can do that. I could, and I decided to 42 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:18,920 Speaker 1: do it for a month and kind of see how 43 00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:23,640 Speaker 1: that felt. I loved the release of just not being 44 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:26,560 Speaker 1: available on Facebook and not having to see it and 45 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:28,400 Speaker 1: not having to know what anybody else is doing. And 46 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,840 Speaker 1: I know that's very anti Millennia of me, but it 47 00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:33,840 Speaker 1: was great to get rid of it. I am still 48 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:36,480 Speaker 1: on Instagram, and I really do enjoy it, but I 49 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:39,760 Speaker 1: have a much smaller number of people that I follow 50 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:42,880 Speaker 1: and like. At least half of them are like celebrities 51 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:45,480 Speaker 1: or figures or people that I don't know. Like, it's 52 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:48,920 Speaker 1: not necessarily a collection of my middle school, you know, 53 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:54,680 Speaker 1: cafeteria tablemates, so yeah, about the people we didn't like 54 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:56,520 Speaker 1: in high school. Anyway, it is like still in your 55 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,960 Speaker 1: life now exactly. It's like do you really need that? 56 00:03:00,120 --> 00:03:01,640 Speaker 1: I mean, some people do need that or want that, 57 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:05,840 Speaker 1: but yeah, well the thing I just got on Instagram 58 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:09,000 Speaker 1: pretty recently, which of course is like I'm discovering everything 59 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:11,680 Speaker 1: about five years after everyone else. To make of that 60 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:15,639 Speaker 1: what you will, But I love Instagram because it's it's 61 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,480 Speaker 1: like Facebook without the parts I don't like about Facebook. 62 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:21,160 Speaker 1: So it's I'm getting to see people's cute baby photos, 63 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:26,840 Speaker 1: but not their sort of links bits and crazy screens 64 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:29,800 Speaker 1: about X, Y or Z. So I'm happy with that. 65 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:32,040 Speaker 1: I like the baby photos, and that's why I sort 66 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,239 Speaker 1: of stayed on Facebook. Okay, I mean I use I 67 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,520 Speaker 1: use social media professionally too. You're not on Twitter, are you. 68 00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:40,720 Speaker 1: I do have a Twitter handle, but I don't think 69 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,680 Speaker 1: it's been used since like two thousand and nine or something. 70 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:47,240 Speaker 1: I don't know, that's about when Twitter launched, so exactly 71 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:52,280 Speaker 1: my early adopter who then stopped adopting exactly. Yeah, I'm 72 00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:55,560 Speaker 1: on Twitter at elvander Cam. I use it pretty frequently. 73 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,000 Speaker 1: I find it's a good sort of way to keep 74 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:01,720 Speaker 1: in touch with people or if I have questions about stuff, 75 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,240 Speaker 1: or if I'm trying to find sources for things in 76 00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,360 Speaker 1: my journalism work. I find Twitter very helpful. In fact, 77 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:10,000 Speaker 1: I feel like all journalists are on Twitter. I mean 78 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,880 Speaker 1: Twitter maybe ninety percent journalists at this point. But I 79 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,840 Speaker 1: was like looking to see what's going on in the 80 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,560 Speaker 1: world that I need to report on, or else, you know, 81 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,440 Speaker 1: trying to get people to look at my stories or 82 00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:24,320 Speaker 1: something like that. So yeah, Twitter, Instagram, and I'm Facebook, 83 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:26,479 Speaker 1: but not as much as I used to be. I 84 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,480 Speaker 1: gotta say I sort of dialed back on that. I mean, 85 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,040 Speaker 1: are you do you set limits for yourself on how 86 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:37,120 Speaker 1: much you spend on, say Instagram, I try, I'm really 87 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:41,200 Speaker 1: not that great, No, I'm okay. Usually, so my husband 88 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,479 Speaker 1: and I both use this app called Moment, which I 89 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:47,640 Speaker 1: believe is only available on the iPhone currently, which tracks 90 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:49,440 Speaker 1: the amount of minutes you spend on the phone, so 91 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,720 Speaker 1: I you know, when I'm motivated, which is a lot 92 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,800 Speaker 1: of the time, I really try to get under sixty 93 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:56,719 Speaker 1: minutes in the entire day, so that greatly limits my 94 00:04:56,800 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: Instagram surfing. There are definitely times when I fall up 95 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,640 Speaker 1: the wagon, and it's kind of funny, like some people 96 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:07,240 Speaker 1: may fall off the wagon with ice cream or you know, alcohol, 97 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:10,480 Speaker 1: and I fall off the wagon with Instagram. That you know, 98 00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,360 Speaker 1: it is what it is. Sometimes it's just stress relief. 99 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:16,119 Speaker 1: But I do try to limit it. Yeah, what about you? 100 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:19,120 Speaker 1: There could be worse things. Yeah, I try to limit 101 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:21,800 Speaker 1: it too, And I find it's when I'm really absorbed 102 00:05:21,839 --> 00:05:25,520 Speaker 1: in a work project. For instance, I'm naturally on social 103 00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:29,039 Speaker 1: media less. It's only when I'm kind of bored and 104 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,440 Speaker 1: unmotivated that I wind up on it. And so I think, partly, 105 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,320 Speaker 1: you know, there may be negative feelings associated with social media, 106 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:37,280 Speaker 1: but partly that's because I'm using it. At a time 107 00:05:37,279 --> 00:05:40,720 Speaker 1: when I would have negative feelings anyway, I guess there 108 00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:43,240 Speaker 1: may be a correlation issue with that, but you know, 109 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:46,440 Speaker 1: we really find ourselves. It's easy to get distracted in 110 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,400 Speaker 1: this world. And bringing us to our main topic for today, 111 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:51,599 Speaker 1: of the mental load of parenting. I think this is 112 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:54,640 Speaker 1: one of the things that drives a lot of women crazy, 113 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:59,240 Speaker 1: is that we can be distracted from various things easily 114 00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:05,440 Speaker 1: with all the details and logistical issues of parenting that 115 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:10,000 Speaker 1: we need to deal with, and obviously fathers men have 116 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,719 Speaker 1: these things too, like we want to. We know that 117 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:16,279 Speaker 1: particularly a lot of our listeners are in the sort 118 00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:20,240 Speaker 1: of partnerships where both parties are thinking about a lot 119 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:23,080 Speaker 1: of the mental load of parenting. But even if you're 120 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:26,599 Speaker 1: only thinking about half of it, it's still a lot, right, Yes, 121 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,440 Speaker 1: and you know that's one thing we're going to talk 122 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:31,919 Speaker 1: about in this episode. It does tend to by default 123 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,039 Speaker 1: be a bit more than half, but it doesn't necessarily 124 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:39,280 Speaker 1: have to be that way. Yeah. Yeah, So when I 125 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:42,040 Speaker 1: say mental load of parenting, like, what examples are you thinking? 126 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:45,080 Speaker 1: I was thinking about things like dentists visits or you know, 127 00:06:45,279 --> 00:06:49,320 Speaker 1: forms for school. Yeah, and this is so timely because 128 00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,200 Speaker 1: you know this is going to air in September, but 129 00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:54,640 Speaker 1: as we're recording it, it's the end of August and 130 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:58,040 Speaker 1: my five year old just started kindergarten. And the number 131 00:06:58,120 --> 00:07:02,080 Speaker 1: of like forms, the number of things, and now that 132 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,320 Speaker 1: things are sort of half on paper and half online, 133 00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:07,400 Speaker 1: I feel like it's actually even worse because it's not 134 00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 1: it's like neither here nor there. It's almost like fill 135 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:12,200 Speaker 1: out this paper and sign up for our online account. 136 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:15,040 Speaker 1: It's like, wait, shouldn't one be one be exclusive of 137 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:18,200 Speaker 1: the Other's just so many loose ends, and the scheduling activities, 138 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:20,000 Speaker 1: and the scheduling of the babysitting, and the scheduling of 139 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,280 Speaker 1: the doctor's appointments and now my ob appointments too, so 140 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:25,920 Speaker 1: like that's you know, childcare for the unborn baby. It's 141 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:30,000 Speaker 1: like she's already got her own misses. I know she's 142 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,400 Speaker 1: already messing with my schedule. So no, it's and it's weird. 143 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,600 Speaker 1: It's like not any one thing takes any mental energy, 144 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,200 Speaker 1: but when you add it all up, it can feel 145 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,480 Speaker 1: like a lot. And it's sort of also just it 146 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,040 Speaker 1: keeps you from thinking about other things. I know that 147 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,480 Speaker 1: I was having this issue the other day that I 148 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:50,800 Speaker 1: was realizing the time I was putting into figuring out 149 00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:54,640 Speaker 1: the fall activity schedule is not time I'm thinking about 150 00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:58,560 Speaker 1: how could I promote my next book, for instance. I mean, 151 00:07:58,560 --> 00:07:59,960 Speaker 1: those are the sort of things one can think of 152 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,440 Speaker 1: with open blocks of time. I could be thinking of 153 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,680 Speaker 1: ideas for promoting a book, or I could be thinking 154 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,280 Speaker 1: about when we should go to karate. And if I'm 155 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,640 Speaker 1: thinking about when we should go to karate more often 156 00:08:09,680 --> 00:08:12,520 Speaker 1: than not, well that's less time I'm thinking about book 157 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,160 Speaker 1: promotion over the long run. That has an effect. And 158 00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,320 Speaker 1: I think that's what a lot of women worry about 159 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,480 Speaker 1: with it too, that it's meant a big like urgent 160 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:24,200 Speaker 1: versus important dichotomy, And like in my field, it's the 161 00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:25,960 Speaker 1: same thing. I mean, if I have something that's sort 162 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,880 Speaker 1: of nebulous but still very important, like I have this 163 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:32,680 Speaker 1: potential collaborator for research that I met with once, and 164 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:34,400 Speaker 1: I have on my list, like I want to come 165 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:37,080 Speaker 1: up with a list of potential things that we could 166 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:40,439 Speaker 1: basically do together with a certain population of patients. And 167 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,440 Speaker 1: because of the school, like that just sort of got 168 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,520 Speaker 1: crowded out by all these like must do, must do, 169 00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:49,520 Speaker 1: must do checklist type of things. You know, that happens 170 00:08:49,559 --> 00:08:50,920 Speaker 1: to be this time of year. But if I sort 171 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,720 Speaker 1: of let that continue to happen, it could kind of 172 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,120 Speaker 1: happen add infinitum, right, so that I never get to 173 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,480 Speaker 1: these important things that will further my career, and then 174 00:08:59,520 --> 00:09:02,760 Speaker 1: I do important things for patients or maybe even for 175 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:06,400 Speaker 1: the world because I'm stuck on the minutia. So I think, yeah, 176 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,360 Speaker 1: I think that's a really important thing to think about 177 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,240 Speaker 1: and be purposeful about. Be purposeful about, which I mean. 178 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,200 Speaker 1: One thing which we've both tried to do, I think 179 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:17,440 Speaker 1: is to be proactive about scheduling in those important but 180 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:22,200 Speaker 1: not urgent things, right, so you can think about the 181 00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:25,040 Speaker 1: school permission forms kind of at any point, but maybe 182 00:09:25,080 --> 00:09:27,920 Speaker 1: there's certain times where you are going to carve out 183 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,560 Speaker 1: for being really focused on your research question or launching 184 00:09:31,559 --> 00:09:35,000 Speaker 1: your residency program or things like that, and making sure 185 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:37,160 Speaker 1: that those are on the schedule, and then you know, 186 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,559 Speaker 1: the mental load can happen as it will. But if 187 00:09:39,559 --> 00:09:41,400 Speaker 1: you sort of wait until the time is left over 188 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,199 Speaker 1: for the important stuff, well it's hard to know when 189 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,000 Speaker 1: it's going to happen. One thing that I think is 190 00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:50,360 Speaker 1: really helpful is to control your input. I learned man 191 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:52,480 Speaker 1: my Josh, my husband's getting a lot of shout outs 192 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:54,440 Speaker 1: on this one, but actually he does a lot of 193 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,760 Speaker 1: thinking about these sort of like streamlining and time management 194 00:09:57,880 --> 00:10:03,480 Speaker 1: and you know, per full choosing of how to how 195 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:07,160 Speaker 1: to exert yourself or extend yourself. But he recently got 196 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:09,680 Speaker 1: rid of the text message notifications on his phone, which 197 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:11,880 Speaker 1: was also us I mean like, so literally his phone 198 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,240 Speaker 1: does not go off when he gets a text. He 199 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,200 Speaker 1: has to decide when he looks at it because work 200 00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:18,959 Speaker 1: was so insane that it was like he was getting 201 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:22,440 Speaker 1: erupted every literally thirty seconds, so he couldn't do anything. 202 00:10:22,480 --> 00:10:23,959 Speaker 1: And if you can imagine if you're in with a 203 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,840 Speaker 1: patient or doing a procedure, like that's not doable. So 204 00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:30,040 Speaker 1: he's like, oh, I can just turn that off? You can. 205 00:10:30,559 --> 00:10:32,760 Speaker 1: I want to look at it. And I do something similar, 206 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:35,040 Speaker 1: which is like when I'm at work and I'm attacking 207 00:10:35,120 --> 00:10:37,600 Speaker 1: my work inbox or when I'm attacking and when I 208 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,400 Speaker 1: say inbox, that means like all the lab results and 209 00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:42,040 Speaker 1: phone calls I have to make, or perhaps I am 210 00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:45,600 Speaker 1: doing like deeper thinking or putting together a PowerPoint. It 211 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:48,120 Speaker 1: sounds simple, but like turn off your Gmail, turn off 212 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:50,720 Speaker 1: your phone, or have your phone on, like do not disturb, 213 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:54,040 Speaker 1: so that only like a phone call from specific people 214 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,800 Speaker 1: can actually get to you. Because if you do set 215 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:58,679 Speaker 1: aside that time but then end up allowing it to 216 00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:01,560 Speaker 1: get polluted, which it abbs absolutely will if you're not 217 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:06,679 Speaker 1: very careful about that, then you've kind of defeated the purpose. Definitely, 218 00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,840 Speaker 1: I think you got to do that. But then there's 219 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,600 Speaker 1: also ways you can tackle the mental load to make 220 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:14,520 Speaker 1: it more doable or enjoyable. And one thing you have 221 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:18,400 Speaker 1: definitely talked about is figuring out which aspects of the 222 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:23,560 Speaker 1: mental load of parenting you like doing and figuring out 223 00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:28,319 Speaker 1: how you can take on those and maybe share the 224 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,520 Speaker 1: others with other people in your life, Like what are 225 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,600 Speaker 1: what are the mental load things that you like to do. 226 00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:35,520 Speaker 1: I like to do a lot of the planning ahead 227 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:39,360 Speaker 1: kind of stuff, the big picture things, the planning of vacations, 228 00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:44,240 Speaker 1: the looking at what activities. I don't necessarily like to 229 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,400 Speaker 1: kind of figure out the intricacies of how to drive 230 00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:50,320 Speaker 1: each kid and you know, how to get the kids 231 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,040 Speaker 1: from place to place or how to shop for various things. 232 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,880 Speaker 1: So I tend to outsource a lot more of that. 233 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,800 Speaker 1: As long as I've communicated the big picture plan to 234 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:01,240 Speaker 1: other caregivers, which my husband's a great idea. And I 235 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:04,200 Speaker 1: think both of us have talked about making sure that 236 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:09,120 Speaker 1: you have these conversations with your partner and any other 237 00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:14,480 Speaker 1: caregivers you have about what needs to happen and what 238 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,000 Speaker 1: you do and what they can do too. And both 239 00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:20,480 Speaker 1: of us read this book called Drop the Ball by 240 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,640 Speaker 1: Tiffany Dufu. I think we're saying that right. She she 241 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 1: made a good long list of all the things that 242 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:31,479 Speaker 1: you know, she thought were on her plate with parenting 243 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,560 Speaker 1: their young kids because she thought, you know, I'm the 244 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:37,760 Speaker 1: overworked martyred mom. My husband isn't doing enough. Humorous thing 245 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,560 Speaker 1: happened as she made this list. Then she was like 246 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:44,079 Speaker 1: noting who did what, and then her parents, her husband 247 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:46,200 Speaker 1: came and added to the list, and it was like 248 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,600 Speaker 1: all the things she didn't even recognize that he was doing, 249 00:12:49,559 --> 00:12:52,079 Speaker 1: Which was kind of funny because we all have sort 250 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:54,440 Speaker 1: of a blind spot about stuff that we either don't 251 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:58,760 Speaker 1: see or maybe don't value as much like I think 252 00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:00,800 Speaker 1: about it. One of the things that has to happen, 253 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:03,840 Speaker 1: The kid's bicycles need air and the tires. Okay, that 254 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,720 Speaker 1: is just a thing that has to happen at some 255 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:08,280 Speaker 1: point if they are going to use their bicycles. I 256 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:12,640 Speaker 1: have never done it ever. It's just something my husband does. 257 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,920 Speaker 1: He thinks about it, he makes it happen. If I 258 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,920 Speaker 1: was making a list of parenting stuff we both do, 259 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:19,240 Speaker 1: I would never even think of that if I hadn't 260 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,480 Speaker 1: forced myself to say, oh, wait, he does the stuff 261 00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:25,280 Speaker 1: like this, right, or that he tends to do stuff 262 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:29,080 Speaker 1: like the dentist. I perhaps I'm not as placing as 263 00:13:29,120 --> 00:13:31,880 Speaker 1: high a value on dental hygiene as he does. I 264 00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,439 Speaker 1: don't know what it is, but so he tends to 265 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:37,880 Speaker 1: do that. And he's you know, arranged the tryouts for 266 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,920 Speaker 1: the swim team because he likes swim team and he 267 00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,439 Speaker 1: did that as a kid, so we but I gotta say, 268 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:45,480 Speaker 1: he's really probably not that thinking about whether our daughter 269 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,520 Speaker 1: does gymnastics or not. I'm the one who asked her 270 00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:49,040 Speaker 1: if she wanted to do that and signed her up 271 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,720 Speaker 1: for So you know, there's things that both of you 272 00:13:51,840 --> 00:13:53,959 Speaker 1: might want to do, or you maybe not even know 273 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,679 Speaker 1: that the other party does. Yeah, and you know, we 274 00:13:57,160 --> 00:14:00,000 Speaker 1: didn't do a list activity together. But I actually don't 275 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,199 Speaker 1: think it's a terrible I mean, honestly, it's kind of 276 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:06,839 Speaker 1: a great idea because you may find things. Number One, 277 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:09,640 Speaker 1: if there are things uncovered that both of you hate doing, 278 00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,280 Speaker 1: then that may be a signal that that's something that 279 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,440 Speaker 1: neither of you need to do, like maybe that's something 280 00:14:14,480 --> 00:14:18,040 Speaker 1: that can be outsourced. Or you may gain some appreciation 281 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:21,320 Speaker 1: for things that you're not doing, like like I love 282 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:23,560 Speaker 1: your example, or for example, I do none of the 283 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:25,640 Speaker 1: home if it's home improvement related. It's so funny, like 284 00:14:25,640 --> 00:14:27,040 Speaker 1: I'll have a friend ask me like, oh, do you 285 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,000 Speaker 1: know a guy who I'm like, No, I don't even 286 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:31,440 Speaker 1: know a guy, Like I don't. I don't do that, 287 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:33,160 Speaker 1: Like I just don't do that. But I might not 288 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,480 Speaker 1: have that awareness unless you bring that up. And on 289 00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:39,520 Speaker 1: the on the flip side, because this is not to say, oh, 290 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,800 Speaker 1: actually men are men don't need to help out at all. 291 00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:43,600 Speaker 1: Men already do a ton. No, that's not what we're 292 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:46,520 Speaker 1: saying at all. You may uncover in certain situations that 293 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:50,080 Speaker 1: women are, you know, is shouldering you know, an unfair 294 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:54,040 Speaker 1: load of sort of the less desirable chores, and then 295 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:57,480 Speaker 1: that may spark a conversation about about how to redistribute things, 296 00:14:57,760 --> 00:15:02,720 Speaker 1: whether that be making things more equitable between partners or outsourcing. Yeah, 297 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:06,480 Speaker 1: And part of I think making sure that you're not 298 00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:10,600 Speaker 1: thinking about these things all the time is designating a 299 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:13,280 Speaker 1: time to think about it. And so one thing that 300 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,920 Speaker 1: I've found really helpful is if there's something I need 301 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,360 Speaker 1: to think about at a certain date, and I think 302 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:20,320 Speaker 1: about it at a time other than that date, I 303 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:23,560 Speaker 1: put it on my calendar for that date. So, for instance, 304 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:27,280 Speaker 1: my five year old daughter has mentioned several things she 305 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:28,960 Speaker 1: wants for her birthday. I mean, this has been an 306 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,840 Speaker 1: ongoing thing. She's been planning this birthday for like six 307 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:34,680 Speaker 1: months now, of all the presents she's hoping she's getting. 308 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:38,520 Speaker 1: But I'm putting these down on my calendar in late 309 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,400 Speaker 1: September because I'm not going to think about it until 310 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:43,280 Speaker 1: late September when it's getting toward her birthday. She tells 311 00:15:43,280 --> 00:15:44,960 Speaker 1: me about something in May, I'm not ordering it then, 312 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,600 Speaker 1: like it just doesn't. It's going to sit in the closet. 313 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,640 Speaker 1: She'll find it, she'll probably grab it at that point. 314 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:53,800 Speaker 1: So those things go on the calendar for September, and 315 00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,320 Speaker 1: then I know to do them then. But to do that, 316 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,320 Speaker 1: of course, you need a trusted system that you know 317 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:00,520 Speaker 1: you will look at and I know we'll look at 318 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,880 Speaker 1: my calendar, and so therefore that's a good way for 319 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,320 Speaker 1: me to stop thinking about it. Yeah, and this is 320 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,360 Speaker 1: similar to what we were talking about in the previous 321 00:16:08,360 --> 00:16:11,040 Speaker 1: episode where we were talking about offloading, you know, the 322 00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,840 Speaker 1: work tasks or the work concerns that seem to bleed 323 00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:16,720 Speaker 1: throughout our personal lives. Well, the same thing happens in 324 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:19,080 Speaker 1: the other direction. But there's no reason you can't do 325 00:16:19,120 --> 00:16:21,600 Speaker 1: the same exact thing. And both Lor and I are 326 00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:24,520 Speaker 1: devotees of calendars and paper planners, but I'm sure there's 327 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,840 Speaker 1: electronic ways to do this too. You just have to 328 00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,840 Speaker 1: be one hundred percent confident that you're going to look 329 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:32,800 Speaker 1: at said system or else it's not going to work. 330 00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:37,480 Speaker 1: So yeah, that's I really I kind of can't say 331 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:41,080 Speaker 1: this enough because it surprises me how many people don't 332 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:44,480 Speaker 1: do this. But yet it's really not that I don't know, 333 00:16:44,640 --> 00:16:47,200 Speaker 1: do they trust but like, come September, they'll think about X, 334 00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:50,160 Speaker 1: Y or Z, And I certainly don't trust my brain 335 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:53,240 Speaker 1: to do that. I know my brain it's not that good. 336 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,000 Speaker 1: So I'm no me either writing it down because otherwise 337 00:16:57,040 --> 00:17:00,840 Speaker 1: it's it's going to be through that mental But the 338 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,280 Speaker 1: other thing to keep in mind with a lot of 339 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:05,800 Speaker 1: the mental loads stuff is there's many things that you 340 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:09,440 Speaker 1: actually don't have to do either. So we want to 341 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:12,119 Speaker 1: make sure that if you are taking on some of 342 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:15,480 Speaker 1: these mental load things, it's a conscious choice and you're 343 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:20,560 Speaker 1: not buying a story that you absolutely have to do it. 344 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:25,000 Speaker 1: I know, we we were talking earlier about a family. 345 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:28,639 Speaker 1: I know, my preschool had this thing where some of 346 00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:33,200 Speaker 1: the other parents thought we'd do a rotating bringing healthy snack. 347 00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,440 Speaker 1: The preschool was already giving them things like gram crackers 348 00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:39,200 Speaker 1: and goldfish, but they wanted parents to bring in fruit 349 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:43,080 Speaker 1: to supplement this. And I put it on my calendar 350 00:17:43,119 --> 00:17:44,879 Speaker 1: for that week. We made it happen or whatever. And 351 00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:46,720 Speaker 1: then I talked to another mom who's just like, oh, 352 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:49,040 Speaker 1: we just didn't do that. I was like, what can 353 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,080 Speaker 1: you do that? But of course you can do that. 354 00:17:51,119 --> 00:17:52,840 Speaker 1: I mean for years they didn't have the fruit. So 355 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,320 Speaker 1: it's not like this is some you know, always thing 356 00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,159 Speaker 1: that must have you signed up for when you go 357 00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:01,479 Speaker 1: to that preschool. It's just something that other parents decided 358 00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:04,719 Speaker 1: to do and then created a schedule. But you know 359 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:07,600 Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that everyone opted into it. And so 360 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:10,480 Speaker 1: she just told them she couldn't do it. I was like, well, 361 00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,119 Speaker 1: I guess either they came up with something else or 362 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:15,359 Speaker 1: the kids had more goldfish that week. I don't know 363 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:22,119 Speaker 1: what which I'm everyone survived fine with. So you don't 364 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:26,280 Speaker 1: actually have to do a lot of and you certainly 365 00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:28,879 Speaker 1: don't have to get sucked up into like thinking you 366 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:33,400 Speaker 1: have to make pinterest worthy crafts for every occasion, or 367 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,760 Speaker 1: to necessarily keep up with peers, whether they be working peers, 368 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:39,640 Speaker 1: because I see this competition just as badly with other 369 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:42,720 Speaker 1: working parents, you know, just wanting to show that they 370 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:46,080 Speaker 1: can do everything, or those that do have a bit 371 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:49,040 Speaker 1: more time. Perhaps not always, but sometimes if they're at home. 372 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,680 Speaker 1: I think, you know, stay out of Pinterest, stay off 373 00:18:52,680 --> 00:18:55,600 Speaker 1: of Facebook, don't do your own thing. I think that's 374 00:18:55,640 --> 00:19:01,360 Speaker 1: like really important but not necessary, really thought about all 375 00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:04,000 Speaker 1: the time. And if you decide there is something that 376 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:09,680 Speaker 1: needs to happen, don't just keep spinning your wheels about it, 377 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,720 Speaker 1: like actually take a next step, figure out what the 378 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:16,000 Speaker 1: next step is going to be, and then you can 379 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:18,560 Speaker 1: decide if that next step was helpful or not. But 380 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:21,320 Speaker 1: I think you often want to be working from real 381 00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:25,200 Speaker 1: world evidence as opposed to should I do this? Should 382 00:19:25,240 --> 00:19:27,960 Speaker 1: I do this? You know, and then keep thinking about 383 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,919 Speaker 1: it over and over. I see this a lot with 384 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:34,520 Speaker 1: medical issues and also with things like like a big 385 00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,320 Speaker 1: recurrent conversation among the group of parents and with is like, 386 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,680 Speaker 1: oh my kids not doing X, Y or Z yet, 387 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:43,040 Speaker 1: should I have them in X therapy whether it's speech 388 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:46,520 Speaker 1: therapy or occupational or whatever. And it seems like people 389 00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,119 Speaker 1: do a lot of spinning their wheels and thinking about 390 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,280 Speaker 1: it and like getting a bunch of opinions from friends 391 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:58,600 Speaker 1: who really don't necessarily know anything, but exactly A lot 392 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:01,520 Speaker 1: of times it's like, well, someone who knows the worst 393 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,840 Speaker 1: case scenario, they're going to tell you everything's fine, and 394 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:05,560 Speaker 1: then you could just completely move on and you've probably 395 00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:08,720 Speaker 1: still saved time or maybe they find something, you know, 396 00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,680 Speaker 1: proactive that needs to be done. But it just does 397 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:14,240 Speaker 1: seem like there's a lot of wasted energy on like 398 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,680 Speaker 1: rumination that doesn't need to be spent. Yeah, so instead 399 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,960 Speaker 1: of you know, beating yourself up, like is my kid 400 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,840 Speaker 1: having trouble in math? What should I be doing? I'm 401 00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:27,240 Speaker 1: not doing anything. Maybe call the teacher, figure out where 402 00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,040 Speaker 1: things stand, you know, ask if he or she has 403 00:20:30,119 --> 00:20:32,920 Speaker 1: recommendations for what you should do so, consult the professional 404 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,240 Speaker 1: who knows what they're doing in this case, and then 405 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:37,320 Speaker 1: if you're going to hire a tutor, like try one out, 406 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:39,760 Speaker 1: you know, go for a test session and see if 407 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:43,600 Speaker 1: you think that works, and like just make these concrete steps. 408 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:46,280 Speaker 1: And I think that sense of progress can also relieve 409 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:49,719 Speaker 1: a lot of that mental strain that distracts. Like it's 410 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:52,040 Speaker 1: a lot of the load is centered around should I yes, 411 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,760 Speaker 1: and not around actual action, not will I, will I 412 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,320 Speaker 1: do it or not? So yeah, those are those are 413 00:20:57,359 --> 00:21:01,879 Speaker 1: a lot of ways to cut down on that. Of course, 414 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:05,200 Speaker 1: other things coming to our next segment are our Love 415 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:09,560 Speaker 1: of the Week. Talked about distractions, and many of those 416 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:14,159 Speaker 1: distractions are news media related, so Sarah, your love of 417 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:16,520 Speaker 1: the week has to do that. My Love of the 418 00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:19,400 Speaker 1: Week totally connects to our social media discussion because since 419 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,360 Speaker 1: I am not getting my news from Facebook, I had 420 00:21:22,359 --> 00:21:24,320 Speaker 1: to decide how to get it. Now. We haven't put 421 00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:26,800 Speaker 1: together show notes, but maybe by this episode we will have. 422 00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:29,760 Speaker 1: And I'd love to link to this piece by Azi's 423 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:31,919 Speaker 1: I'm Sorry who I Love. He's the guy who was 424 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,320 Speaker 1: in the office and now he's done the two seasons 425 00:21:34,359 --> 00:21:37,560 Speaker 1: of the show Master of None and he actually he 426 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:42,200 Speaker 1: made the sort of declaration that he just doesn't read 427 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:45,040 Speaker 1: any news anymore, and that he doesn't read the Internet, 428 00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:47,359 Speaker 1: and he stopped reading email. Now, I certainly have not 429 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:50,320 Speaker 1: gone that far, but I do think there's something to 430 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,080 Speaker 1: be said for that being another form of rumination. This 431 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:54,639 Speaker 1: is this is a bit controversial because some people are 432 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,640 Speaker 1: going to accuse me of kind of sticking my head 433 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:58,439 Speaker 1: in the sand. But just because I'm not reading the 434 00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:03,200 Speaker 1: latest sort of wrestling match headlines, which I'm not necessarily 435 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,680 Speaker 1: taking action on anyway, doesn't mean I'm not staying informed. 436 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,720 Speaker 1: So I have found and for my love of the 437 00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:10,040 Speaker 1: week that I really like just getting my news through 438 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:14,760 Speaker 1: paper and specifically these days magazines. We decided to subscribe 439 00:22:14,760 --> 00:22:17,639 Speaker 1: to The Atlantic since it's monthly and we can digest that, 440 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,960 Speaker 1: and we felt like it really has some excellent journalism 441 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:24,240 Speaker 1: in it and covers a wide variety of topics. So yeah, 442 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:25,920 Speaker 1: that is my love of the week, and I feel 443 00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:29,080 Speaker 1: less fragmented and panicky when I read that as compared 444 00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:32,960 Speaker 1: to clicking on CNN. That's a great idea. The Atlantic's great. 445 00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:35,600 Speaker 1: We subscribe to The New Yorker for a while. Unfortunately, 446 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:37,880 Speaker 1: because it's weekly. It was just kind of stacking up, 447 00:22:38,359 --> 00:22:41,240 Speaker 1: which was discouraging in its own right. That here's yet 448 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:44,000 Speaker 1: another thing I haven't gotten through all of it. But 449 00:22:44,119 --> 00:22:49,040 Speaker 1: certainly a monthly magazine is entirely doable. So my love 450 00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:50,760 Speaker 1: of the week is not related at all to that. 451 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:57,440 Speaker 1: We recently celebrated my parents' fiftieth wedding anniversary, and as 452 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:01,240 Speaker 1: a present to them, I made a photo book of 453 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:05,000 Speaker 1: photos from over their fifty years of marriage. It was 454 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,040 Speaker 1: so fun looking at photos of them as like these 455 00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:10,920 Speaker 1: twenty one year old newlyweds, they were so cute, and 456 00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:13,800 Speaker 1: then photos of them like in the seventies with bikinis 457 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,760 Speaker 1: and long beards. I mean, it was another fun part 458 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,919 Speaker 1: look at it before I came into their lives and 459 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:23,879 Speaker 1: all that. I don't exactly have huge mad scrap booking skills, 460 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:28,439 Speaker 1: and so I used Shutterfly and it was awesome. Like 461 00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:33,040 Speaker 1: I just uploaded the photos. They can create spreads, So 462 00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:35,359 Speaker 1: if you just have like three photos on one page 463 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,159 Speaker 1: and two on another, it would suggest a bunch of 464 00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:41,240 Speaker 1: different spreads that would artfully arrange three photos on one 465 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:43,040 Speaker 1: side and two on the other, with the caption in 466 00:23:43,080 --> 00:23:47,560 Speaker 1: a good place, and so it took all the design 467 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,600 Speaker 1: work out of it. And I'm sure some of our 468 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:53,760 Speaker 1: listeners are like amazing design people, but that is so 469 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,960 Speaker 1: not me. And so I was so grateful to just 470 00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:01,480 Speaker 1: be able to use that software and create a photo 471 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,640 Speaker 1: book that I think turned out really well. So we've 472 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,280 Speaker 1: had good luck with Shutterfly in the past. I know 473 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,040 Speaker 1: there's a lot of different photo share and photo book 474 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,000 Speaker 1: type sites, but we've used that one. One little pro 475 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,639 Speaker 1: tip I will say for Shutterfly is that they almost 476 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:18,040 Speaker 1: always have some sort of promotion going, and in fact, 477 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,879 Speaker 1: sometimes I believe they set their prices on photo books 478 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:24,359 Speaker 1: on the hope that just somebody will not find a 479 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:27,239 Speaker 1: coupon code and actually pay full retail price for it. 480 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:30,679 Speaker 1: Every time I look for a coupon code online, I 481 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:32,800 Speaker 1: wind up saving at least twenty five percent and often 482 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,119 Speaker 1: as closer to a forty percent, or get free shipping 483 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:37,760 Speaker 1: or something. And since I was ordering photo books for 484 00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:40,439 Speaker 1: my entire extended family, that really did add up. So 485 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:43,840 Speaker 1: just google whatever retail copon code, Yeah, coupon code, whatever 486 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:47,120 Speaker 1: retailer you're shopping online, Say, you know, Gap coupon code 487 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,960 Speaker 1: or Shutterfly, Shutterfly coupon code often retail me not is 488 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,120 Speaker 1: the site that comes up that I find coupon codes 489 00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:55,560 Speaker 1: through there, and there might not be anything, but there 490 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:57,520 Speaker 1: might be two. And if you've already decided you're going 491 00:24:57,560 --> 00:25:00,199 Speaker 1: to buy something, like, actually getting a coupon code is 492 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,680 Speaker 1: money in the bank because that was something you would 493 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:04,520 Speaker 1: have paid the price for and now you don't have 494 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:06,560 Speaker 1: to pay the full price for. So I find that 495 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,480 Speaker 1: a fun, enjoyable, free gallony there. And just a reminder, 496 00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:12,879 Speaker 1: this is completely non sponsored. I have to add that 497 00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:15,600 Speaker 1: because I also used Shutterfly, and I'm like, this is 498 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:19,600 Speaker 1: starting to sound like a commercial, but we view it 499 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,600 Speaker 1: the same thing. And I love the fact that you 500 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:23,600 Speaker 1: can just kind of throw everything in an auto layouts 501 00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,159 Speaker 1: and then you can move stuff around if you feel 502 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:27,359 Speaker 1: like it. But this is this is another one of 503 00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:28,800 Speaker 1: those things where I'm like, you know, if I really 504 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:32,560 Speaker 1: enjoyed making an artful arrangement, then I would, But if 505 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:35,399 Speaker 1: I just really just want a photo book, it's fast 506 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:37,840 Speaker 1: and it's pretty done good. I mean, like, I think 507 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:40,760 Speaker 1: we'll treasure them forever, whether or not I initially picked 508 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:43,880 Speaker 1: the layout or not. I don't think the layer causes 509 00:25:43,920 --> 00:25:47,600 Speaker 1: the treasuring, So yes, now for a listener question of 510 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,680 Speaker 1: the week, Sarah, what do we have this this week? Yeah? 511 00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:54,119 Speaker 1: This came from a medical resident who wrote how do 512 00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:58,399 Speaker 1: you manage with stress at work? On How do you 513 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:00,520 Speaker 1: manage with stress at work? And she wrote, and also 514 00:26:00,600 --> 00:26:03,480 Speaker 1: work on resilience, which is a big term by the way, 515 00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:06,919 Speaker 1: in residency in general. The governing body of residencies is 516 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:11,040 Speaker 1: really big on wellness and building resiliency in our trainees. 517 00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:13,440 Speaker 1: And I am all for that as well. How about 518 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,240 Speaker 1: just cutting the eighty hour work weeks? Would that be 519 00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:19,320 Speaker 1: another option? Well, eighty hours was the cut. That's that's 520 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:21,920 Speaker 1: the It was actually used to be more. And then 521 00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:23,840 Speaker 1: you know, when I started and it was eighty all 522 00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:25,600 Speaker 1: the people that we were doing more were like, ugh, 523 00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,000 Speaker 1: you lazy people working only eighty hour? It was you know, 524 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:34,320 Speaker 1: anyway that'd be for another episode. Yeah, exactly. But she wrote, 525 00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:36,640 Speaker 1: I remember reading in your archives you found with working 526 00:26:36,720 --> 00:26:39,679 Speaker 1: in New Nates difficult. How did you overcome this? So 527 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:42,159 Speaker 1: almost it was actually the the New Nates did not 528 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:46,360 Speaker 1: bother me. It was the pediatric ICU. That place used 529 00:26:46,359 --> 00:26:48,639 Speaker 1: to give me hives. Now it doesn't because I'm not 530 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:53,160 Speaker 1: I'm there in a different function, you know, in those 531 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:56,560 Speaker 1: situations where you are working extremely high hours. And by 532 00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:59,400 Speaker 1: the way, I cannot speak to the experience of having 533 00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:02,719 Speaker 1: done that with a child because I actually was not 534 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:05,879 Speaker 1: able to conceive during that time, so didn't get to 535 00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:08,720 Speaker 1: experience that combination. But you know, for those people that 536 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,720 Speaker 1: are doing that, all I can say is, I would, 537 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,240 Speaker 1: you know, spend out on as much support as you 538 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:18,240 Speaker 1: possibly can, because this is temporary, and my heart goes 539 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,560 Speaker 1: out to you, because that's got to be a brutal combination. 540 00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:24,360 Speaker 1: But I would say for me, it's about being very 541 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:27,760 Speaker 1: permissive about self care. And I know that's another buzzword 542 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:31,040 Speaker 1: these days. It's about, you know, letting myself exercise without 543 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:33,240 Speaker 1: feeling guilty about it because that's just something I need 544 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:36,040 Speaker 1: to do to function optimally, letting myself get sleep when 545 00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:39,000 Speaker 1: I need to get sleep, letting myself, you know, take 546 00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:41,760 Speaker 1: time to read or reflect and really, you know, having 547 00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:43,760 Speaker 1: time that is just for me. And that's still something 548 00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:46,280 Speaker 1: that I do, even if it's scheduling things in advance, 549 00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:49,040 Speaker 1: even if they're very infrequent that are sort of like 550 00:27:49,119 --> 00:27:53,200 Speaker 1: complete downtime treats. So even if that's like a quarterly massage. 551 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:55,119 Speaker 1: So if you're a resident. You do get, you know, 552 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:57,959 Speaker 1: one day off per week. Sometimes that's on a weekend, 553 00:27:57,960 --> 00:28:00,560 Speaker 1: but sometimes it's during a random weekday. So that's a 554 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,560 Speaker 1: perfect time to schedule in one of those kinds of 555 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:06,440 Speaker 1: treats and kind of recognizing that that's, you know, it's 556 00:28:06,560 --> 00:28:08,400 Speaker 1: going to be necessary to do these things if you're 557 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:10,600 Speaker 1: going to make it through such a difficult time. And 558 00:28:10,640 --> 00:28:14,200 Speaker 1: I'm sure there are other equally trying times and other careers. 559 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:17,000 Speaker 1: I'm just speaking to my own experience. That's what I 560 00:28:17,119 --> 00:28:19,040 Speaker 1: hope that helps, and I hope you're not guilty about it. 561 00:28:19,080 --> 00:28:22,639 Speaker 1: Don't be guilty. Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself, 562 00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:24,760 Speaker 1: because if you burn out, you haven't really helped anyone. 563 00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,480 Speaker 1: I mean, you have to add to your energy levels 564 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:30,840 Speaker 1: in order to have the energy necessary either to deal 565 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:33,959 Speaker 1: with your patients as this questioner is asking, or as 566 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:36,720 Speaker 1: Sarah has to do, or deal with here customers, deal 567 00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:41,000 Speaker 1: with you know, your colleagues, if your toddlers rational, your 568 00:28:41,040 --> 00:28:44,880 Speaker 1: toddlers from a calm, rational perspective as opposed to having 569 00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,600 Speaker 1: nothing left to give. So that's that's a great answer. Well, 570 00:28:48,640 --> 00:28:51,680 Speaker 1: thank you. This has been episode five where we've been 571 00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:56,200 Speaker 1: talking the mental load of Parenting. Please join us next week. 572 00:28:56,400 --> 00:29:02,520 Speaker 1: Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening. You can find me 573 00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:06,560 Speaker 1: Sarah at the shoebox dot com or at the Underscore 574 00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:10,600 Speaker 1: Shoebox on Instagram, and you can find me Laura at 575 00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:13,880 Speaker 1: Laura vandercam dot com. This has been the best of 576 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:17,640 Speaker 1: both worlds podcasts. Please join us next time for more 577 00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:19,840 Speaker 1: on making work and life work together.