Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Hey, I'm right Wood Junior in cheese, Daisy, light it Pry.
Speaker 3: How you doing.
Speaker 2: Oh that's enough small talk. Let's get into it, Daisy.
Speaker 2: Today we're talking about air travel in America. I don't
Speaker 2: know about you, Daisy, but I love flying because, honestly,
Speaker 2: there's nothing better than being trapped in a metal tube
Speaker 2: with three hundred strangers during the pandemic and all of
Speaker 2: us praying that the pilot ain't too drunk to land.
Speaker 2: This bitch.
Speaker 1: But I love that.
Speaker 4: Well, I'll be honest, I don't actually love that. I
Speaker 4: gotta tell you I had the worst flight last weekend.
Speaker 4: This can next to me cried the entire time, just
Speaker 4: screaming in my ear. I was like, I don't care.
Speaker 4: You're my son.
Speaker 3: Mommy's trying to watch you land.
Speaker 2: That's right, you gotta watchland.
Speaker 4: Tour de force steel blue steel. Yeah. I have to
Speaker 4: do very little for that. I have like resting blue
Speaker 4: steel face.
Speaker 3: And it's not just me. Roy.
Speaker 4: Air travel has gotten so bad recently that Congress has
Speaker 4: been forced to get involved.
Speaker 5: Senators Ed Markey and Richard Blumenthal introduced an airline Passenger's
Speaker 5: Bill of Rights aimed at requiring airlines to fairly compensate
Speaker 5: flyers during airline cause delays and cancelations. The senators also
Speaker 5: want to limit fees for bags seating, as well as
Speaker 5: for changes or cancelations.
Speaker 6: If passengers could receive thirteen hundred and fifty bucks whenever
Speaker 6: their flight is delayed by four hours, I am guaranteeing
Speaker 6: you there'd be a lot fewer delays.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: Yeah, we could soon be getting an airline passenger's Bill
Speaker 4: of Rights. And if it's anything like the original Bill
Speaker 4: of Rights, we just have to wait another one hundred
Speaker 4: years for it to apply to women and black.
Speaker 2: People, you know. But that's great to hear, you know.
Speaker 2: And I gotta say, thirteen hundred dollars is a lot
Speaker 2: of money. It's a lot of money, especially if if
Speaker 2: you can buy a two hundred dollars flight for a
Speaker 2: chance to wind a grand people are gonna be gambling
Speaker 2: at the airport. You will buy a cheek taking away.
Speaker 7: For the delay.
Speaker 2: The sky lounge gonna look like the off track. Beton, Like,
Speaker 2: come on, Dell to give me that mechemical failure.
Speaker 4: I for one am glad that they're finally doing something
Speaker 4: about the fees. They've been nickel and diming us for years.
Speaker 4: Fees for baggage, fees to print a boarding pass. Now
Speaker 4: there's even fees for picking a seat. Like, what are
Speaker 4: you gonna do if I don't pick a seat? How
Speaker 4: about I just stand the entire flight. I'll treat your
Speaker 4: damn airplane like it's a subway and stand there break
Speaker 4: dancing and jerking off.
Speaker 8: Sure sure?
Speaker 2: Oh oh, speaking of jerking off on the airplane, go on.
Speaker 2: There's been a lot of reports lately of passengers stuck
Speaker 2: on the runway for hours and as the laws of physics,
Speaker 2: when there's too much time to kill white people, bust
Speaker 2: out the acoustic guitars.
Speaker 9: Baby Godjie.
Speaker 10: Jamie.
Speaker 2: No, no, no, no, no, no, Look, no one has
Speaker 2: ever been like, you know what would make this delayed
Speaker 2: ass flight better? Let's break out in a single ang. Also, also,
Speaker 2: didn't didn't the dude who wrote that song? Didn't he
Speaker 2: die in a plane crash?
Speaker 11: How?
Speaker 2: How was plane crash dude in charge of the anthem
Speaker 2: for air travel?
Speaker 1: How is he in charge of that?
Speaker 2: And I'm asking you because you're white, how is that possible?
Speaker 8: Oh?
Speaker 4: I don't know, but I'll bring it up at the
Speaker 4: next white people meeting. Okay, but yeah, seeing John Denver
Speaker 4: on a flight is like tempting fate. Like I wouldn't
Speaker 4: watch Titanic on a crew oz. I mean, yeah, I'll
Speaker 4: check out the titty painting scene. But that's it. And
Speaker 4: one of the big reasons air travel in this country
Speaker 4: is struggling is the FAA, or more commonly known as FAW.
Speaker 2: That's right, FAW is in a lot of trouble right
Speaker 2: now because we're finding out how outdated some of these
Speaker 2: airports are. I mean, they're tracking flights with paper strips.
Speaker 2: They're not using computers. They're riding your flight on a
Speaker 2: paper strip and putting it up on a board.
Speaker 3: Arts and crafts.
Speaker 4: Oh god, how are these planes not crashing all the time?
Speaker 2: Well, they're getting close.
Speaker 12: The FAA is forming a team of experts to examine
Speaker 12: flight safety after several recent close calls involving commercial planes.
Speaker 8: A FedEx Boeing seven sixty seven was about to land
Speaker 8: at Austin's International Airport as a Southwest Airline seven thirty
Speaker 8: seven was told to take off from the same runway.
Speaker 8: The two planes came within one hundred feet of colliding
Speaker 8: in thick fog. It comes three weeks after another near
Speaker 8: collision at JFK, where a Delta Airlines flight abruptly stopped
Speaker 8: its takeoff as an American Airlines flight taxied across the
Speaker 8: runway in front of.
Speaker 2: Its nineteen forty three cancel take off flanch.
Speaker 12: A midair scare in December just recently came to light.
Speaker 12: A United Airlines plane departing MAUI took a nose dive,
Speaker 12: plummeting more than fourteen hundred feet in about twenty seconds,
Speaker 12: coming within seven hundred and seventy five feet of the
Speaker 12: Pacific Ocean.
Speaker 11: Flame shooting out from under the wing of a Delta
Speaker 11: plane traveling.
Speaker 2: From Scotland to New York forced to make an emergency landing.
Speaker 8: Delta blame is a mechanical issue.
Speaker 2: No shit, I'm not an engine it is. I'm not
Speaker 2: an enginet. But if the wing is on fire, that
Speaker 2: looks like a mechanical issue.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 4: And also, oh my god, can you imagine dying in
Speaker 4: a plane crash on the runway, Like, if I'm dying
Speaker 4: in a plane, I better be in the air otherwise
Speaker 4: I'm just going all the way through TSA just to
Speaker 4: die in a car crash.
Speaker 2: Till insult to injury. Now you did, and you don't
Speaker 2: have your full sigh shampoo.
Speaker 4: You know what, Roy, These incidents make me think that
Speaker 4: we need a new passenger Bill of rights. Article one.
Speaker 4: Airlines should not kill.
Speaker 2: You, Article two, Article two. If they do kill you,
Speaker 2: you get thirteen hundred dollars.
Speaker 4: Article three. Get rid of the paper strips or at
Speaker 4: least laminate them. It's the twentieth century.
Speaker 2: It's the twenty first century.
Speaker 4: It's the twenty first century.
Speaker 7: Article four.
Speaker 2: If someone on the flight has to die, it should
Speaker 2: be the person with the acoustic guitars.
Speaker 4: And also, let me just slip in Article five, no
Speaker 4: more children on flights? What about your kid, especially my kid?
Speaker 4: No more children on flights, get them off works for.
Speaker 2: Me, Thanks for chatting desert.
Speaker 3: For years, flight attendants in America have complained about well
Speaker 3: two things. One idiots who pressed the coal button when
Speaker 3: they meant to turn on the lights, and two the
Speaker 3: way they get paid. Well now, finally, Delta Airlines is
Speaker 3: taking care of one of those issues.
Speaker 10: Flight attendants with Delta will soon be getting paid a
Speaker 10: little bit more money. The airline says it will now
Speaker 10: start paying cabin cruise during boarding up until now, flight
Speaker 10: attendants did not start getting paid until the passengers were
Speaker 10: seated in the plane's doors closed. That was the moment
Speaker 10: that their pay started. Delta says the change will start
Speaker 10: June second, as the company faces the possible ability if
Speaker 10: it's more than twenty thousand flight attendants forming their own union.
Speaker 10: The change could increase some attendants wages by several thousand
Speaker 10: dollars every year.
Speaker 3: Yeah, leave it or not. Flight attendants in America do
Speaker 3: not get paid during the boarding process, which is crazy.
Speaker 3: Just think about you're at work doing work, but your
Speaker 3: boss is like, nah, this is your free time. What
Speaker 3: I only pay you when the doors are closed. That's wild.
Speaker 3: It also sucks for flight attendants on Spirit Airlines because
Speaker 3: they don't even have doors.
Speaker 8: What do they do?
Speaker 1: Do they work for free? How does that should work?
Speaker 3: Because here's the thing, people, the boarding process is not easy.
Speaker 3: If anything, they should.
Speaker 1: Be getting paid extra for that part.
Speaker 3: You've got to deal with passengers who suddenly don't know
Speaker 3: how numbers work.
Speaker 1: Does twenty three come before twenty four? And what number
Speaker 1: is jay?
Speaker 3: And then on top of that they have to deal
Speaker 3: without bags that never fit. Yeah, and by the way,
Speaker 3: call us you Why do the bags never fits? No
Speaker 3: honest question, why do they never It's call an overhead bag, right,
Speaker 3: but it doesn't fit into the overhead. Why did they
Speaker 3: call it that? They shouldn't be allowed to sell it
Speaker 3: to you and call an overhead back when won't put
Speaker 3: into the overhead Because now I'm the idiot blocking the
Speaker 3: traffic and like everyone's looking at me, no one's getting paid,
Speaker 3: and I'm like, I swear they're start said it would
Speaker 3: fit in the overhead, there's none of They're like, you're
Speaker 3: an idiot, I'm none.
Speaker 8: It is the overhead back, but no gunning over.
Speaker 3: That's what the FBI should be focusing on.
Speaker 1: That's the real crime. It'll sun your bag. That makes
Speaker 1: me look like an idiot.
Speaker 3: By the way, did you notice how Delta suddenly said
Speaker 3: it was going to change this rule only after they
Speaker 3: learned that flights attendance are trying to form a union. Yeah,
Speaker 3: interesting timing, m Yeah, it was like that. Marjorie Taylor Greenbow,
Speaker 3: Oh oh you mean that a union? Yeah?
Speaker 10: Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3: Nothing scares these giant airlines more than unions. Like if
Speaker 3: someone yelled bomb in an airport and someone else yelled union,
Speaker 3: They honestly wouldn't know who to tackle first. And I'm
Speaker 3: gonna give these flights to tenants a lot of credit
Speaker 3: because let me tell you something, man, people fly all
Speaker 3: the time. You see these people working hard, But I
Speaker 3: didn't know that they weren't getting paid while the plane
Speaker 3: you did. I didn't know that they really patient people.
Speaker 3: If I was working for free during the whole boarding process,
Speaker 3: I would have been way less friendly than yo. I
Speaker 3: would have been in that airport, like and Zone one,
Speaker 3: Zone one, Get the hell up on the plane right now.
Speaker 8: Hurry up, I'm trying to get paid.
Speaker 3: Move your dumb ass. Put the thing on the thing,
Speaker 3: damn man, and I saw yo.
Speaker 11: I swear, I swear if any of you broke.
Speaker 8: At Zone four minds even trying to get on the
Speaker 8: line right now, I will have the tsa water board
Speaker 8: your ass.
Speaker 1: Get back zone for sit down. You know who you is.
Speaker 3: It seems like right now some of the biggest failures
Speaker 3: at returning to society are happening on airplanes. After a
Speaker 3: year of staying at home. You would think that people
Speaker 3: would be happy to just get on a plane, eat
Speaker 3: their pretzels, and take the world's most painful nap, But
Speaker 3: instead people are turning airplanes into their own personal rage rooms.
Speaker 7: With their travel on the rise nationwide, so too of
Speaker 7: violent incidents, both in the airport and in mid air.
Speaker 13: Assaults on flight attendants are skyrocketing. They say they've been pushed,
Speaker 13: punch slapped, even choked by unruly passengers. The FAA usually
Speaker 13: handles one hundred and fifty incidents of unruly passengers in
Speaker 13: a year. So far this year there have been twenty
Speaker 13: five hundred cases.
Speaker 14: American Airlines is holding off on bringing full alcohol service
Speaker 14: back on their planes for some The company's extending that
Speaker 14: suspension until at least September thirteenth, after incidents involving unruly
Speaker 14: passengers and other airlines. The airline still is going to
Speaker 14: allow alcohol sales for first class and for business class cabins.
Speaker 3: Sorry, first class gets booze, but economy doesn't. And they
Speaker 3: think that's gonna end the violence. Did no one at
Speaker 3: American Airlines see snow piercer. If they really want to
Speaker 3: stop fights, they shouldn't get rid of alcohol. They should
Speaker 3: make you drink until you pass out for the rest
Speaker 3: of the flight. Yeah, you either get zero shots or fourteen.
Speaker 3: There's no in between. But the real issue is that
Speaker 3: people are getting into fights on airplanes. Guys, this is
Speaker 3: the last place in the world that you should be fighting,
Speaker 3: and given how tight space is in economy, I'm even
Speaker 3: surprised that it's possible. Do you know how much effort
Speaker 3: you have to put into actually throwing a punch in
Speaker 3: coach on a plane?
Speaker 1: What did you say to me?
Speaker 9: What?
Speaker 3: Man, I'm gonna kick your ass? I'm excuse me?
Speaker 1: Excuse me? Can I excuse me?
Speaker 3: Can I do excuse me? Can I?
Speaker 7: Man?
Speaker 3: You know what, when we land and you get up
Speaker 3: and I get up, and we got the bags and
Speaker 3: we are Man, I'm gonna kick your ass.
Speaker 1: I'm excoot.
Speaker 5: Let me just get back.
Speaker 3: I'm scoose Meco. Although the truth is some people are
Speaker 3: just assholes who want to fight, and let's be honest,
Speaker 3: you're never gonna get rid of them. So maybe, just
Speaker 3: maybe the better solution is to just find a way
Speaker 3: to put them all in the same place.
Speaker 1: Do you want to travel and take out your pent
Speaker 1: up pandemic aggression on customer service employees? Hell? Yeah you do,
Speaker 1: but society won't let you punch a flight attendant until now,
Speaker 1: introducing crow Down Airs, the only airline with no rules
Speaker 1: on your behavior or ours. Our flight attendants are trained
Speaker 1: in MMA, popped up on junk meth and ready to
Speaker 1: fuck you up.
Speaker 4: Can interest you and some peanuts, crackers or cookies, then
Speaker 4: come and get them, fat boy.
Speaker 1: Other airlines don't want you to bring weapons on board.
Speaker 1: At throwdown air you have to, and if you knock
Speaker 1: out the pilot, then congrats, you're the new pilot. Either way.
Speaker 1: Once we're in the air, we're not landing until everyone
Speaker 1: on board is bleeding out their airlines.
Speaker 14: The flight attendant's been tell me to put my face
Speaker 14: mask on, but I throw down air. They just shove
Speaker 14: one down my throat and bodies slam me into the
Speaker 14: beverage guard.
Speaker 2: Thenks throw down air.
Speaker 1: So if you're an asshole who assaults people doing their jobs,
Speaker 1: then fly the airline for people just like you throw down.
Speaker 1: Once the wheels are up, the shit goes down.
Speaker 3: Ever since United Airlines got in trouble for upgrading a
Speaker 3: passenger to wrestling class, people have started paying close attention
Speaker 3: to how airlines treat customers. You know, there have been
Speaker 3: many viral videos of crazy stuff that's happening on airplanes.
Speaker 3: In fact, they're thinking about starting an Airlines for World
Speaker 3: Star Airlines, right, and basically what happens is you're just
Speaker 3: gonna choose your section first class Economy or McDonald's parking lots,
Speaker 3: and then if they have an emergency, phones drop down
Speaker 3: from the ceiling so that you can film yourself.
Speaker 1: Ah olds.
Speaker 3: For more on the trends in travel, we turned to
Speaker 3: Senior Travel across Mound Ronnie Chang everybody.
Speaker 7: As thanks, Trevor. Look, flying sucks, right, It's always sucked,
Speaker 7: but back in the day we just couldn't record how
Speaker 7: much it sucked. Now with camera phones we can relive
Speaker 7: those terrible moments forever.
Speaker 9: This Delta pilot was actually caught hitting a passenger.
Speaker 4: Apparently trying to break up a fight between two passengers and.
Speaker 11: A Jedway American immediately suspended a flight attendant who allegedly
Speaker 11: ripped a stroller away from the mother, nearly striking the
Speaker 11: child in the process.
Speaker 7: Okay, but do you do that to me and I'll
Speaker 7: lock you pa.
Speaker 11: Another disturbing airline incidents caught on camera two passengers throwing
Speaker 11: punches at each other. The man in red yelled, do
Speaker 11: you think I'm crazy? The government is crazy?
Speaker 7: No, dude, you're crazy. Right, who fights in a Hawaiian shirt.
Speaker 7: He's like the angriest guy at the LUA. Why is
Speaker 7: that no umbrella?
Speaker 1: My pinocalada?
Speaker 7: And what is this? Is this a new pre flight routine?
Speaker 7: Here's your seatbelt, Here are the exits, all right, now,
Speaker 7: let's keep them up the belt. Everybody, all right, wants
Speaker 7: your good clean fight. You think Detroit is tough, try
Speaker 7: being in boarding zone five. Like, come on, people, we
Speaker 7: can't just keep fighting each other on the airplanes. We
Speaker 7: have to come together and unite so we can fight
Speaker 7: other species.
Speaker 14: A passenger stung by a scorpion.
Speaker 4: The United flight was heading from Houston to Calgary when
Speaker 4: the scorpion suddenly dropped from an overhead bin, landing on
Speaker 4: a passenger's head.
Speaker 5: Why are we.
Speaker 7: Fighting desert animals in the sky?
Speaker 5: Okay?
Speaker 7: Look, if a bird picks a fire from me, okay,
Speaker 7: maybe right, but a scorpion, no, I'm not mentally prepared
Speaker 7: for that. And the worst part is when a scorpion
Speaker 7: stings me, I won't have the antidote because it's more
Speaker 7: than three ounces. Yeah, right, So now I'm dead like
Speaker 7: this rabbit. United Airlines is dealing with another pr nightmare
Speaker 7: following the death of a giant rabbit.
Speaker 9: They've come out of a statement at the safety and
Speaker 9: well being of all the animals that travel with us
Speaker 9: is of the utmost importance to United Airlines. What makes
Speaker 9: matters worse was that Simon was a promising rabbit. At
Speaker 9: one hundred and twenty nine centimeters long. His father, Darius,
Speaker 9: holds the Guinness World Records for being the biggest rabbit.
Speaker 7: Thanks a lot, United, you killed the yow ming of rabbits. Seriously,
Speaker 7: this is a professionally big rabbit. It's like first Hall
Speaker 7: of Fame rabbit Jesus running.
Speaker 3: I fly, but I didn't realize flying had gotten so bad.
Speaker 12: Man.
Speaker 3: Is there anything that the airlines can do well?
Speaker 7: I'm glad you asked trebber. Okay. First of all, hey, airlines,
Speaker 7: stop over booking flights. Okay, yeah, this is how you do.
Speaker 1: Okay.
Speaker 7: You count the seeds on your plane and.
Speaker 1: Then you sell that number of tickets. That's it.
Speaker 7: Sorry, is that too difficult to understand?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 7: Second thing, we don't need twenty websites searching each other
Speaker 7: for cheapest flights. Okay, just have one website call it
Speaker 7: the Cheapest Flights. That's it. Go there, we get the
Speaker 7: cheapest flights, and as a delay they should pay us. Okay,
Speaker 7: that's how it works. And if we crash in the ocean, yeah,
Speaker 7: and if we crash in the ocean, we need knives
Speaker 7: under our seats. Otherwise we're just saying there like chicken
Speaker 7: nuggets for shocks, you.
Speaker 3: Know, Ronnie actually speaking of helping this, I read that
Speaker 3: Congress is having hearings today and Congress is gonna figure
Speaker 3: out a way to make a passenger bill of rights.
Speaker 7: Great Congress is in charge of airlines. Next time I
Speaker 7: go home, I'm driving.
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