WEBVTT - “WHY DID I CALL A LIZARD?” 0:00:00.200 --> 0:00:01.640 All from zimblanity. 0:00:02.880 --> 0:00:03.600 Hey, what's up? 0:00:04.160 --> 0:00:04.560 Hello? 0:00:05.519 --> 0:00:05.680 Hi? 0:00:08.000 --> 0:00:08.920 Hey, what's going on? 0:00:09.640 --> 0:00:18.079 Who is this? This is zimblanity, zimblanity. Have we spoken before, zimblanity? 0:00:19.160 --> 0:00:20.400 No, this is my first time. 0:00:21.000 --> 0:00:25.240 What's up, zimblanity? What's going on with you? I? 0:00:25.239 --> 0:00:31.120 I don't really know. I do wonder to myself why 0:00:31.160 --> 0:00:34.479 I have such an aversion to therapy that it's easier 0:00:34.520 --> 0:00:39.520 to call into a lizard? 0:00:40.640 --> 0:00:42.879 Okay, And in that wondering as to why you have 0:00:42.960 --> 0:00:45.440 such an aversion to therapy that you call a lizard? 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:52.640 What sorts of observations have you made or conclusions have 0:00:52.720 --> 0:00:53.720 you inched towards. 0:00:57.600 --> 0:01:02.360 I think it's just anxiety, you know, But I don't 0:01:02.400 --> 0:01:04.520 know how to fix it, and I'm hoping that maybe 0:01:04.720 --> 0:01:05.800 you could do that for me. 0:01:08.319 --> 0:01:12.759 I cannot. I can't promise I can do anything for you, 0:01:12.800 --> 0:01:14.959 but I will try. I will talk with you about it. 0:01:16.360 --> 0:01:18.640 What are you anxious about? 0:01:19.920 --> 0:01:23.280 I mean everything, I'm like shaking on this phone call 0:01:23.560 --> 0:01:27.160 right now? Okay, that it's me nervous. I don't know what. 0:01:31.720 --> 0:01:33.280 Hmmm, how old are you? 0:01:35.240 --> 0:01:35.920 I'm thirty? 0:01:36.760 --> 0:01:37.120 Okay? 0:01:38.160 --> 0:01:38.880 You this way? 0:01:39.959 --> 0:01:44.360 Well, I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. How long Have 0:01:44.440 --> 0:01:48.360 you been this this way? As you say, Uh, it's 0:01:48.400 --> 0:01:54.160 been years, man, were you Can you remember a time 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:56.880 in your life when you were not this way whatever 0:01:57.000 --> 0:01:59.920 whatever this way means to you. 0:02:00.080 --> 0:02:05.800 Yeah, I mean I really, I really cannot. It's uh. 0:02:07.000 --> 0:02:11.639 I've always been an anxious head. Now I'm an anxious, 0:02:12.520 --> 0:02:14.120 non binaried individual. 0:02:15.400 --> 0:02:17.280 All right, you're an anxious kid. Now you feel like 0:02:17.320 --> 0:02:18.480 you're an anxious adult. 0:02:20.080 --> 0:02:28.520 Yeah. I've tried medications, meditations, they didn't really help. 0:02:29.680 --> 0:02:35.000 Okay, mm hmm. Well I'll ask you a few questions. 0:02:35.040 --> 0:02:38.240 Is there do you think your anxiety is rooted in 0:02:38.280 --> 0:02:42.000 the future or are you dwelling upon the past? Or 0:02:42.160 --> 0:02:44.120 is something about the present giving you anxiety? 0:02:45.000 --> 0:02:45.480 Where? Where? 0:02:45.560 --> 0:02:45.880 Where? 0:02:45.919 --> 0:02:49.200 Where is the anxiety? Or is the answer just all three? 0:02:49.440 --> 0:02:51.720 I mean it really would be all three. I mean 0:02:51.760 --> 0:02:54.760 I guess not the past, because I really just kind 0:02:54.760 --> 0:02:58.639 of I let I just let things go. Ah, But 0:02:59.680 --> 0:03:06.239 I'm constantly worried about a recently, if I'm going to 0:03:06.280 --> 0:03:12.799 finish my apprenticeship. I'm worried about my friends, what they 0:03:12.840 --> 0:03:15.799 think about me, if I'm doing right by them, if 0:03:15.840 --> 0:03:21.600 I'm a good dad, just all the things you have 0:03:21.600 --> 0:03:23.760 a kid, Yeah, I. 0:03:23.720 --> 0:03:25.680 Do hold your kid. 0:03:26.480 --> 0:03:31.480 She is eight eight eight, ts. 0:03:31.240 --> 0:03:36.160 Hey, wonderful. Do you have a significant other of some kinds? 0:03:38.280 --> 0:03:43.920 I do. I have my partner Drew. He's he's amazing, 0:03:45.000 --> 0:03:45.400 It's good. 0:03:45.400 --> 0:03:49.040 Okay okay, And is Drew like, did you guys do 0:03:49.200 --> 0:03:51.320 like an artificial insemination thing? 0:03:55.720 --> 0:04:05.560 So basically before I just that I was queer. I 0:04:05.640 --> 0:04:12.520 had been in a really abusive relationship for years. I 0:04:12.600 --> 0:04:17.520 did feel at some point that my only way out 0:04:17.560 --> 0:04:23.279 of this relationship was through my daughter, my now daughter. 0:04:26.480 --> 0:04:28.279 That's a whole bag worms. 0:04:30.000 --> 0:04:36.600 Your now daughter is. So was like you were in 0:04:36.640 --> 0:04:40.960 a relationship with somebody and that woman is that the 0:04:40.960 --> 0:04:42.400 mother of your daughter? 0:04:43.520 --> 0:04:43.760 Yes? 0:04:44.640 --> 0:04:46.920 Okay? Is she in your life in any way, shape 0:04:46.960 --> 0:04:47.600 or form, or. 0:04:49.480 --> 0:04:52.520 We have like a shared parenting thing going through a 0:04:52.560 --> 0:04:56.799 custody whatever. Right now I'm trying to get full custody. 0:04:56.880 --> 0:05:01.120 It's not looking good. Ohio's a mother their state as 0:05:01.160 --> 0:05:01.880 they say. 0:05:04.040 --> 0:05:11.160 Really yeah, m okay. So how often do you get 0:05:11.160 --> 0:05:12.000 to see your daughter? 0:05:14.680 --> 0:05:21.440 It really just depends my ex is she thinks that 0:05:21.560 --> 0:05:26.080 like a long winded text messages with grammatically correct spelling 0:05:26.200 --> 0:05:30.240 is a legal document. So sometimes I get to see 0:05:30.240 --> 0:05:33.440 her every weekend and then sometimes I'm just sitting around 0:05:33.520 --> 0:05:37.680 hanging out and then I get a big text message 0:05:37.720 --> 0:05:40.400 at like two am that says, I, so and so 0:05:40.760 --> 0:05:45.919 no longer agree to our inherent parenting agreement and you 0:05:46.040 --> 0:05:49.600 won't be getting her these days. And that's not how 0:05:49.640 --> 0:05:53.240 that works. But going to court costs like a lot 0:05:53.240 --> 0:05:53.680 of money. 0:05:54.160 --> 0:06:02.000 Yeah, yeah, what do you do. 0:06:04.000 --> 0:06:10.400 Right now? I am on disability because of the anxiety, 0:06:10.480 --> 0:06:15.640 and I am trying to do a piercing apprenticeship at 0:06:15.680 --> 0:06:20.839 a tattoo shop. Uh, And I hope that that works out. 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:24.200 I'm hoping I can claw my way off of disability 0:06:24.320 --> 0:06:31.080 with the apprenticeship. But you know, we'll see m hm. 0:06:31.920 --> 0:06:32.960 And what does Drew do. 0:06:35.000 --> 0:06:40.560 Drew is a tattoo artist, he's an illustrator, he watches dogs. 0:06:40.640 --> 0:06:43.440 He he's really just kind of caught up in the 0:06:43.440 --> 0:06:44.719 gig economy right now. 0:06:45.960 --> 0:06:48.200 So all right, So, because you're on disability, I assume 0:06:48.240 --> 0:06:49.760 you at one point did have to go to a 0:06:49.800 --> 0:06:53.279 doctor or a psychiatrist or a therapist of some kinds 0:06:53.880 --> 0:06:58.200 and get like medically diagnosed with something. Is that is 0:06:58.200 --> 0:07:01.000 that true? What were you? What were youically diagnosed with? 0:07:02.160 --> 0:07:02.320 Uh? 0:07:02.600 --> 0:07:11.120 Just I was diagnosed with the severe anxiety, the severe depression. Uh, 0:07:11.280 --> 0:07:13.040 this is I mean, like I said, this is things 0:07:13.080 --> 0:07:15.200 have been happening like since I was a child, and 0:07:15.280 --> 0:07:19.120 it's like it is debilitating, like but I'm trying my best. 0:07:19.880 --> 0:07:27.960 Okay. Mmmm and have you and you said you, uh would, 0:07:28.680 --> 0:07:34.000 so tell me again why you feel more comfortable talking 0:07:34.040 --> 0:07:37.640 to me about all all these things instead of talking 0:07:37.640 --> 0:07:38.800 to an actual therapist. 0:07:40.760 --> 0:07:44.240 Yeah. So yeah, I don't know. Something I don't know. 0:07:44.400 --> 0:07:50.320 Maybe something about the suit kind of takes the power away, 0:07:50.440 --> 0:07:51.600 the seriousness of it. 0:07:51.680 --> 0:07:53.680 But does it I mean, does it make it? I mean, 0:07:53.720 --> 0:07:57.600 this is a you know, uh uh. Other people are 0:07:57.600 --> 0:08:01.440 listening right now. Does that make you more anxious or 0:08:01.520 --> 0:08:04.400 less anxious? Do you not care about that? 0:08:05.920 --> 0:08:08.640 I mean, to me, those are just numbers on the screen. 0:08:08.760 --> 0:08:11.880 I know my friend is listening right now, Okay, and 0:08:13.280 --> 0:08:15.680 that makes me anxious because I know that they can 0:08:15.720 --> 0:08:16.000 hear me. 0:08:16.880 --> 0:08:20.760 Okay, but you wanted to talk regardless, so you but 0:08:20.840 --> 0:08:23.360 you still feel comfortable enough with them hearing you that 0:08:23.440 --> 0:08:24.080 you're doing it. 0:08:25.320 --> 0:08:27.760 Yeah, they've heard about these things before. I wouldn't have 0:08:27.960 --> 0:08:29.960 talked about these if it was a thing that I 0:08:30.040 --> 0:08:35.040 wasn't comfortable with them hearing specifically, but say like if 0:08:35.120 --> 0:08:40.080 somebody else you know, you know it figures out or 0:08:40.160 --> 0:08:43.160 you know, someone else in my life, that would probably 0:08:43.200 --> 0:08:46.200 cause anxiety. I don't want to feel like I'm like 0:08:46.280 --> 0:08:48.400 trauma dumping to my friends. 0:08:50.120 --> 0:08:55.600 Sure, okay, can you not afford to zero a real therapist? 0:08:57.080 --> 0:09:01.680 So since I'm on disability, I'm on the medicaid so sweet, 0:09:02.280 --> 0:09:07.560 I just started. Uh, I just got a new therapist 0:09:07.679 --> 0:09:11.720 last week. But it is uh, I don't know, like 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:14.320 I've already opened up more to you than I had him, 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:19.040 and uh, it's I don't know, it's I you know, 0:09:19.080 --> 0:09:22.080 there's like a fight flight freeze and fawn and I 0:09:22.280 --> 0:09:23.360 just like a freeze. 0:09:25.600 --> 0:09:37.599 Okay mm hm hmmmm. Well I uh, the doc and 0:09:37.640 --> 0:09:41.760 the doctors gave you medication and you tried that. They've 0:09:41.800 --> 0:09:44.880 probably told you to fucking do some kind of meditation 0:09:45.040 --> 0:09:48.240 thing and you tried that and nothing worked. 0:09:49.400 --> 0:09:55.360 Yeah that's uh, I'm doing medication right now. Uh, I 0:09:55.400 --> 0:10:00.400 don't feel it's working. I've honestly had more success. Uh. 0:10:00.720 --> 0:10:01.960 Which micro dosing? 0:10:02.360 --> 0:10:06.600 Uh mushrooms Oh cool, cool cool? 0:10:06.760 --> 0:10:12.160 Cool? Not that how did those make how did those 0:10:12.200 --> 0:10:12.760 make you feel? 0:10:14.679 --> 0:10:20.720 Honestly? My first time micro dosing the LSD. It blew 0:10:20.800 --> 0:10:25.559 my mind. I felt like I went from like some autistic, 0:10:26.480 --> 0:10:29.760 anxiety riddled person to. 0:10:29.880 --> 0:10:38.800 Just be an enormy Yeah. Yeah, you went from you 0:10:38.840 --> 0:10:40.800 went from four Chan to Pinterest. 0:10:41.640 --> 0:10:44.640 I really did. Yeah, I had this was my white 0:10:44.640 --> 0:10:45.320 girl summer. 0:10:46.320 --> 0:10:52.920 Nice? Nice, Okay, And then like, here's the thing with drugs. 0:10:54.000 --> 0:10:57.160 I thought about this. I thought about this last time 0:10:57.200 --> 0:11:00.360 my Tripp's rooms. Drugs are like that scene in the Breath. 0:11:00.920 --> 0:11:02.920 Drugs are like that scene in the Breakfast Club. Have 0:11:02.960 --> 0:11:04.320 you ever seen the movie with the Breakfast Club? 0:11:05.440 --> 0:11:05.680 Yeah? 0:11:06.520 --> 0:11:09.959 All right, you know, so when you when you take 0:11:10.040 --> 0:11:12.320 mushrooms or LSD, you have that like, oh, I know, 0:11:12.520 --> 0:11:16.560 I have this epiphany and that epiphany and I feel 0:11:16.600 --> 0:11:19.200 this and I feel that and everything feels like it 0:11:19.240 --> 0:11:19.800 makes sense. 0:11:19.880 --> 0:11:20.080 Right. 0:11:21.280 --> 0:11:23.880 Yeah, it's like that scene in the Breath. But it's 0:11:23.880 --> 0:11:26.079 like that scene in the Breakfast Club where the nerd 0:11:26.480 --> 0:11:29.560 you know, is talking to all the other people and 0:11:29.600 --> 0:11:34.160 he's like, so Monday morning, are we still going to 0:11:34.200 --> 0:11:36.079 be friends? Did any of this matter? 0:11:37.040 --> 0:11:37.240 You know? 0:11:37.960 --> 0:11:44.120 So sober you right now talking to me, have you 0:11:44.200 --> 0:11:47.640 retained any of those epiphanies? Did any of them matter 0:11:47.760 --> 0:11:50.880 or affect life? After the trip. 0:11:52.840 --> 0:11:56.040 I mean in ways, yeah, because I feel like it 0:11:56.320 --> 0:12:01.000 lowered my defenses or gave me the courage or whatever 0:12:01.120 --> 0:12:10.120 to take steps towards bettering myself and bettering like my life. 0:12:10.679 --> 0:12:13.840 I was micro dosing when I was able to, like 0:12:14.280 --> 0:12:18.000 ask my friend for a pearing apprenticeship, and I'm like, 0:12:18.080 --> 0:12:21.040 I'm really putting my eggs in this basket because I'm 0:12:21.080 --> 0:12:24.600 hoping to start making money and be able to save 0:12:24.679 --> 0:12:28.440 and stuff. I wouldn't have been able to put foot forward 0:12:28.600 --> 0:12:32.760 if it wasn't for like the strength the wall or 0:12:32.800 --> 0:12:37.000 whatever the micro dosing gave to me. 0:12:40.840 --> 0:12:45.079 Okay, that's great, that's good. So you're on a how 0:12:45.080 --> 0:12:46.920 long ago was that that you were trying out this 0:12:47.040 --> 0:12:49.559 and doing all these things. 0:12:50.160 --> 0:12:53.520 I mean I've been microsing for like a year now. 0:12:53.600 --> 0:12:55.400 I think, all right. 0:12:55.880 --> 0:12:58.679 It is your life better today than it was a 0:12:58.760 --> 0:13:05.400 year ago, for sure. Fantastic. Okay, you're on an upwards trajectory. 0:13:06.360 --> 0:13:09.760 You're a you're a positive stuff, I hope. So yeah, no, 0:13:09.840 --> 0:13:16.400 I think I think I think you are. Mm hmmmmmmmmmmm. 0:13:16.920 --> 0:13:23.240 All right. So you're you're in a piercing apprentice, yes, okay, 0:13:23.920 --> 0:13:29.080 and you what's you in your in your anxiety riddled brain. 0:13:30.000 --> 0:13:34.199 What is the anxiety over the over the piercing apprentice? 0:13:36.080 --> 0:13:39.839 Uh, it's honestly, it's just I don't know, it's it's 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:46.760 a bunch of Uh, it's just drama. It's like everybody's 0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:49.440 mad at this person. That person's mad at this person. 0:13:49.640 --> 0:13:52.480 I feel like I'm gonna get swept under the rug 0:13:52.920 --> 0:13:55.120 speak of these things. 0:13:56.679 --> 0:14:04.800 Really, Yeah, I I you said I when you you 0:14:04.840 --> 0:14:08.120 said it's funny, you said I shouldn't be this. 0:14:08.120 --> 0:14:12.400 Way at thirty. I don't think thirty is too old. 0:14:12.440 --> 0:14:16.679 Thirty is not too old to have anxiety by any means, 0:14:17.240 --> 0:14:22.840 but it's it's too old to engage it, to engage 0:14:23.920 --> 0:14:29.680 in drama in any way, shape or form. Maybe I 0:14:29.680 --> 0:14:32.560 wouldn't say, I don't want to put an age thing 0:14:32.600 --> 0:14:35.480 to it at all, but but you shouldn't be Why 0:14:35.520 --> 0:14:38.320 why in what way are you engaging in this drama? 0:14:39.640 --> 0:14:44.160 So I'm not engaging in it. So basically, my mentor 0:14:45.640 --> 0:14:48.240 you know, shows up late, stuff like that, her car 0:14:48.320 --> 0:14:52.120 breaks down, people get upset with her. I feel like 0:14:52.320 --> 0:14:56.280 maybe there's some residual upsetness aimed at her that's being 0:14:56.320 --> 0:14:59.400 placed on me because I'm an apprentice. I feel like 0:14:59.440 --> 0:15:04.560 maybe there' not taking me seriously or they feel that 0:15:04.640 --> 0:15:05.720 I'm not serious about it. 0:15:06.320 --> 0:15:06.440 Uh. 0:15:07.400 --> 0:15:10.080 I'm not trying to engage in drama. I just uh, 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:15.880 I know, drama happens, and like sometimes it boils down 0:15:15.960 --> 0:15:21.720 to like playing sides of the fence, and I just, 0:15:21.760 --> 0:15:23.720 you know, I just want everybody to get along and 0:15:24.120 --> 0:15:24.880 have a nice time. 0:15:25.240 --> 0:15:28.640 What's the version of this that involves you spending one 0:15:28.720 --> 0:15:33.480 hundred percent of your time dedicated to just learning how 0:15:33.520 --> 0:15:38.000 to get better at your piercing and tattooing. I'm not 0:15:38.280 --> 0:15:39.760 thinking about anything outside of that. 0:15:42.520 --> 0:15:46.120 I guess I don't know, I don't know what the 0:15:46.320 --> 0:15:50.880 uh I'm trying. I'm trying my best. 0:15:50.640 --> 0:16:01.120 To okay, do that as it is. Okay, good, good, Okay. 0:16:01.320 --> 0:16:05.760 You're trying your best to focus on how you can 0:16:05.840 --> 0:16:09.000 just do the job instead of instead of worrying about, 0:16:09.120 --> 0:16:11.280 you know, what the hell's going on between your mentor 0:16:11.320 --> 0:16:15.920 and the the other person and then what else do 0:16:15.960 --> 0:16:21.600 you have this crazy ex wife scenario. I'm sorry about that. 0:16:21.600 --> 0:16:22.880 That's really really, really tough. 0:16:24.000 --> 0:16:26.640 Yeah, it's you have a white trash. 0:16:26.760 --> 0:16:30.240 Yeah that's all right, that's all right. You're worried about 0:16:30.240 --> 0:16:31.600 you're worrying about it whether or not you were a 0:16:31.640 --> 0:16:35.720 good father? Yeah, why are you worried about that? 0:16:42.720 --> 0:16:47.520 I feel like because of like the optimum, because of 0:16:47.560 --> 0:16:53.000 the anxiety, the depression. I feel like there are people 0:16:53.040 --> 0:16:55.840 in my life, like and that are also in her 0:16:55.920 --> 0:17:01.640 life that like infantilize me when it comes to like 0:17:01.760 --> 0:17:05.080 being a father, and they I just I feel like 0:17:05.119 --> 0:17:08.600 I'm constantly just like questioned on whether or not I'm 0:17:08.680 --> 0:17:09.520 able to do this. 0:17:14.520 --> 0:17:18.280 Okay, so this is what does that have to I 0:17:18.600 --> 0:17:21.240 hope this question makes sense? But what does that have 0:17:21.359 --> 0:17:22.240 to do with you? 0:17:26.880 --> 0:17:27.320 So like. 0:17:29.680 --> 0:17:32.760 Maybe I'll try what I What I mean by what 0:17:32.800 --> 0:17:34.840 I mean by that is is you're wondering whether or 0:17:34.840 --> 0:17:38.120 not you're a I asked you why you think you're 0:17:38.119 --> 0:17:43.520 not a good father, and you were talking about you 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:46.760 responded by talking about other people's opinions of you and 0:17:46.800 --> 0:17:50.159 the way that other people are treating you, which you know, 0:17:51.119 --> 0:17:54.040 but but I want to, like, I want to hear 0:17:54.080 --> 0:17:56.800 about what you think about yourself, not like what other 0:17:56.840 --> 0:17:59.199 people think about you as a father. But what do 0:17:59.280 --> 0:18:02.760 you is it are those opinions getting to you through 0:18:02.800 --> 0:18:06.520 to you and now you're kind of infantilizing yourself. 0:18:08.960 --> 0:18:10.880 I mean maybe. I mean, like, you know, you hear 0:18:10.960 --> 0:18:14.639 things about yourself so much that like eventually you start 0:18:14.720 --> 0:18:15.360 to believe it. 0:18:16.200 --> 0:18:17.000 Okay, So like. 0:18:18.600 --> 0:18:21.520 I I think, I think I'm just doing my best 0:18:21.560 --> 0:18:24.160 and that's all you can do. But like I'm great 0:18:25.240 --> 0:18:26.320 worried if that enough? 0:18:28.640 --> 0:18:36.359 Great? So so if you think you're so, I take 0:18:36.440 --> 0:18:40.800 take the external. If you think you're doing the best 0:18:40.840 --> 0:18:47.200 that you can do to be a father, then why 0:18:47.280 --> 0:18:48.960 why are you anxious about whether or not you're a 0:18:48.960 --> 0:18:52.159 good father just because other people are treating you like 0:18:52.200 --> 0:18:56.239 a baby because you have autism? 0:18:56.560 --> 0:18:59.320 I mean, yeah, I you know, it's also like we 0:18:59.640 --> 0:19:03.240 the only course right now. So I recently had to 0:19:03.280 --> 0:19:08.000 get a guardian ad litem for the custody battle thing. 0:19:08.080 --> 0:19:11.200 And it's basically a lawyer who comes and visits both 0:19:11.240 --> 0:19:18.439 houses and determines which parents is better for like the 0:19:18.520 --> 0:19:19.480 child's well being. 0:19:20.000 --> 0:19:23.359 Yeah, and. 0:19:25.400 --> 0:19:27.560 You know, like my house, it's just me in a 0:19:27.640 --> 0:19:30.800 two bedroom apartment, It's just me and my daughter. And 0:19:31.080 --> 0:19:35.000 at her mother's house, there's like fifteen people in this house, 0:19:35.720 --> 0:19:41.399 one of the guys a known predator. She's got my 0:19:41.600 --> 0:19:47.560 daughter and like four other kids living in an unfinished basement, 0:19:51.960 --> 0:19:56.719 and like the guardian came to both our houses and 0:19:56.760 --> 0:20:00.280 then like decided that like my place wouldn't be h 0:20:01.280 --> 0:20:10.240 h suitable to raise the child here because my house 0:20:10.400 --> 0:20:11.960 was disorganized. 0:20:30.840 --> 0:20:31.720 I'm sorry to hear that. 0:20:33.440 --> 0:20:34.160 Yeah, it's a lot. 0:20:35.040 --> 0:20:36.639 Mm hmm. I'm sorry to hear that. 0:20:38.600 --> 0:20:39.000 Mm hmm. 0:20:44.240 --> 0:20:51.600 Yeah, but I I I obviously you know we're not 0:20:51.600 --> 0:20:57.640 gonna be able to like fix every thing or anything. 0:20:57.640 --> 0:20:59.639 I don't know if this conversation has been remotely helpful 0:20:59.680 --> 0:21:07.080 for you, but at least in terms of like just 0:21:07.080 --> 0:21:10.000 just to start off just as like a foundation of something, 0:21:10.440 --> 0:21:12.479 at least in terms of like what you can and 0:21:12.560 --> 0:21:20.200 cannot control in this situation. I hope that you take 0:21:20.240 --> 0:21:28.040 control of like your own perspective on yourself and wrestle 0:21:28.080 --> 0:21:32.000 it away from this idea that you're a bad father 0:21:32.400 --> 0:21:34.840 because you're trying your best, and you know you're trying 0:21:34.840 --> 0:21:39.840 your best. You said it yourself, so yeah, don't. I 0:21:40.200 --> 0:21:42.960 just I hope you're not torturing yourself in that way 0:21:44.040 --> 0:21:47.399 and that you maintain and you know that you are 0:21:47.400 --> 0:21:50.880 a good father because you're trying your best, and even 0:21:50.920 --> 0:21:55.640 these things that are you know that you didn't choose 0:21:56.640 --> 0:21:59.879 that are you know, like depression and anxiety. You know, 0:22:00.560 --> 0:22:04.359 you're You're not a bad father because you have depression anxiety. 0:22:04.359 --> 0:22:07.760 You're a good father because you're fighting against those things 0:22:08.160 --> 0:22:11.520 with active effort, because you care and that's the most 0:22:11.560 --> 0:22:15.320 important things that you care and you're trying. So I 0:22:15.359 --> 0:22:24.800 hope you understand that and then you're not you know, 0:22:26.080 --> 0:22:32.199 suffering more in your own brain internally on top of 0:22:32.200 --> 0:22:35.800 the external suffering. Does any of that make sense or 0:22:35.840 --> 0:22:37.320 resonate with you in any way, shape. 0:22:37.200 --> 0:22:39.800 Or for him? Yeah, it makes sense. 0:22:40.800 --> 0:22:48.120 Okay. Do you have any thoughts about any of that? 0:22:51.800 --> 0:22:54.280 I mean, yeah, I mean I'm trying that. That lists 0:22:54.280 --> 0:22:57.119 why I like the court and stuff is you know, 0:22:57.240 --> 0:23:00.760 we're I'm going through with that and uh, you know, 0:23:00.800 --> 0:23:03.800 I've done all that I could do, and I'm doing 0:23:03.840 --> 0:23:05.840 all that I could do. I just hope that, like 0:23:05.960 --> 0:23:14.840 when my daughter gets older, she sees that mmm. 0:23:16.520 --> 0:23:34.399 Mmm do you I don't know, man, I don't know. 0:23:34.480 --> 0:23:36.200 Is there any other aspect of of this that you 0:23:36.240 --> 0:23:37.719 wanted to talk about specifically? 0:23:40.400 --> 0:23:41.400 No? I think I'm good. 0:23:46.200 --> 0:23:49.280 Was was this was this helpful in any way, shape 0:23:49.359 --> 0:23:51.320 or form for your life? 0:23:53.800 --> 0:23:56.919 I I hope So, I mean, uh, this was like, 0:23:58.480 --> 0:24:01.280 you know it. Uh, I had a lot of anxiety 0:24:01.359 --> 0:24:03.959 about making this call and the fact that I did, like, 0:24:04.040 --> 0:24:07.160 I'm you know, and I didn't just like hang up. 0:24:07.440 --> 0:24:08.840 You know, that's okay. 0:24:09.080 --> 0:24:10.560 I'm impressed with myself over there. 0:24:10.680 --> 0:24:13.359 Give you give yourself some fucking credit. That's the that's 0:24:13.440 --> 0:24:17.000 that's that's the thing. Give yourself some credit. I just dude, 0:24:17.040 --> 0:24:19.479 if you take one thing away from this call, I 0:24:19.520 --> 0:24:22.920 just hope you give yourself some credit because you're fighting again. 0:24:22.960 --> 0:24:26.280 You have all these like things that you're fighting against internally, 0:24:26.960 --> 0:24:30.080 but you're fighting against them, right, you have. You have 0:24:30.640 --> 0:24:35.479 debilitating anxiety, but yet you picked up the phone and 0:24:35.520 --> 0:24:39.879 you called or you know, you you you didn't just 0:24:39.920 --> 0:24:45.160 sit around and succumb to your issues. You know, even 0:24:45.160 --> 0:24:49.000 if even if there are some or most days that 0:24:49.080 --> 0:24:53.040 you do, you know you you tried. And I hope 0:24:53.040 --> 0:24:57.000 you look at evidence that exists that you tried your best, 0:24:57.000 --> 0:25:00.600 and I hope you'd internalize it because you know, the 0:25:00.960 --> 0:25:07.680 stories that we fucking tell ourselves and they're important. What's 0:25:07.720 --> 0:25:13.960 your name again, zimblanity? Zimblanity? Did you pick that name 0:25:14.040 --> 0:25:14.600 for yourself? 0:25:15.480 --> 0:25:16.520 I did pick that name? 0:25:16.840 --> 0:25:19.080 What does that mean? What is that from. 0:25:19.520 --> 0:25:24.119 Uh So, zimblanity is the opposite of serendipity. 0:25:26.119 --> 0:25:27.960 I do you know what. I totally thought that was 0:25:28.000 --> 0:25:33.120 just a word that you made up. No, zimblanity. It's 0:25:33.119 --> 0:25:42.040 the opposite of security, of serendipity. It's the opposite of serendipity. Yeah, okay, 0:25:42.200 --> 0:25:44.800 So what define serendipity for me? 0:25:46.359 --> 0:25:51.520 Uh So, serendipity is like, you know, like a wonderful thing. 0:25:52.000 --> 0:25:58.960 Uh It's like a stroke of genius, like a muse, 0:25:59.240 --> 0:26:06.760 you know, like, and zimblanity is like something that's unwanted 0:26:07.119 --> 0:26:10.800 but inevitable, like a grandma dying. 0:26:11.400 --> 0:26:13.320 Why did you name yourself that? 0:26:14.920 --> 0:26:16.719 I just thought it sounded pretty. I don't know. 0:26:20.960 --> 0:26:22.440 Sorry, I don't mean to make fun of your the 0:26:22.800 --> 0:26:25.159 name that you chose for yourself, but I just it 0:26:25.200 --> 0:26:25.960 sounds negative. 0:26:26.960 --> 0:26:30.159 No, I yeah, yeah, it sounds negative. But like I'm 0:26:30.560 --> 0:26:32.840 you know, I like to. I just I thought it 0:26:32.920 --> 0:26:35.679 sounded pretty. I'd like to I'd like for people to 0:26:35.760 --> 0:26:40.840 hear that and then think of something positive. I think, 0:26:40.880 --> 0:26:43.920 I think, uh, the people who are in my life 0:26:44.400 --> 0:26:49.159 here zimblanity, and you know, think of me and the 0:26:49.200 --> 0:26:52.040 good good stuff we good times we have together. 0:26:52.560 --> 0:26:55.800 Okay, all right. So you're you're taking you're taking zimblanity back. 0:26:56.320 --> 0:26:59.000 You're you're flipping it. Yeah, you're making You're you're making it. 0:26:59.119 --> 0:27:05.640 You're making zimblanity into serenity. Yes, all right, I respect 0:27:05.640 --> 0:27:08.159 that as I planning anything else you want to say 0:27:08.160 --> 0:27:09.399 to the people of the computer before we go. 0:27:10.600 --> 0:27:13.840 Yeah, I've been reading the chat as we've been having 0:27:13.840 --> 0:27:18.600 this talk. This chat is wonderful. If it's okay, I'd 0:27:18.600 --> 0:27:20.280 like to give a shout out to my friend. 0:27:20.400 --> 0:27:22.760 If that's fine, yeah's who's your friend? 0:27:24.040 --> 0:27:27.600 My friend is Cat Bogart. Could I plug their Instagram? 0:27:27.680 --> 0:27:28.120 Or is that? 0:27:29.359 --> 0:27:31.720 Do they want you to plug their Instagram because a 0:27:31.720 --> 0:27:36.200 bunch of people might send them links to weird bitcoin 0:27:36.240 --> 0:27:38.520 addresses and shit, I. 0:27:38.480 --> 0:27:40.000 Mean they would probably appreciate it. 0:27:40.920 --> 0:27:43.439 Oh, what do they do? What's the Instagram? 0:27:44.040 --> 0:27:48.800 They're a tattoo artist, so it's their professional page. All right, sir, 0:27:50.359 --> 0:27:54.520 h it's Cat Bogart. Their page is Cat Bogart, Inc. 0:27:55.080 --> 0:27:59.680