WEBVTT - Seeing the Humanity of Our Mothers 0:00:03.560 --> 0:00:07.360 Welcome to Jay dot, a production of My Heart Rates. 0:00:11.119 --> 0:00:16.960 Hello every body, what's up? This is Jay Dot, Ilda 0:00:17.120 --> 0:00:20.960 podcast is Jill Scott, This is Asia are great in 0:00:21.040 --> 0:00:23.520 the Dancer? This is like, Yeah, I hate saying my 0:00:23.560 --> 0:00:30.400 whole line. Let st Clair whole line nine nine. What's 0:00:30.480 --> 0:00:37.440 up everybody? Today? We are talking about our mothers. We're 0:00:37.440 --> 0:00:42.319 talking about humanizing our mothers. What does that mean? That 0:00:42.400 --> 0:00:46.080 means the moment when you realize that your mom, you're 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:53.400 the sainted halo wearing handle everything, do everything, can be 0:00:53.640 --> 0:01:00.320 all things. Mother is a person, a human being, just 0:01:00.560 --> 0:01:03.560 like yourself. I feel like we should do a disclaimer 0:01:03.600 --> 0:01:05.319 to our mother's even yours age. I know she's not 0:01:05.360 --> 0:01:09.640 with us, but she's listening, right, she will make herself 0:01:09.680 --> 0:01:13.680 known her mistrust and belief. So should have fall off 0:01:13.680 --> 0:01:17.000 this table at two point two seconds. But don't tell 0:01:17.040 --> 0:01:22.640 my business in this here got their podcast? Yeah, I 0:01:22.680 --> 0:01:25.039 know that there is a whole book, There is a 0:01:25.040 --> 0:01:28.880 whole play about my sweet Mama. There is. But I 0:01:28.920 --> 0:01:32.040 have to wait. You have to wait. I don't have 0:01:32.160 --> 0:01:37.240 to wait till till no problems with Joyce. I don't 0:01:37.280 --> 0:01:42.119 want no problems with either. My mother is six one people. 0:01:42.959 --> 0:01:45.680 My mother has been six one my whole life, and 0:01:45.800 --> 0:01:50.000 she's fast. So, so what's your disclaimer, Jail as we 0:01:50.120 --> 0:01:54.680 go into this conversation, because you know this is your daughter. 0:01:54.720 --> 0:01:57.680 I love you so much. I don't want to smoke. 0:01:57.800 --> 0:02:01.040 I don't want to trouble with you. Uh. We're just 0:02:01.160 --> 0:02:04.760 talking about the moments that you realize that your mother 0:02:05.200 --> 0:02:07.520 is a human being. I'm gonna talk about her mother, 0:02:07.800 --> 0:02:11.840 my grandmother. Okay, I'm gonna start there. Let's start there. Yes, 0:02:12.000 --> 0:02:14.840 I'm gonna start there. This might be a lot for people, 0:02:14.919 --> 0:02:17.040 but you know, this is what it is. So my 0:02:17.120 --> 0:02:20.240 grandmother is uh. At the time she was she was 0:02:20.280 --> 0:02:28.320 slowly fading. And oh do you see that? All right? Okay, 0:02:28.440 --> 0:02:30.640 I don't want no smoke. What you need my mom? 0:02:30.480 --> 0:02:35.200 I don't blue, I don't okay. I told you hold 0:02:35.240 --> 0:02:39.440 my purse off this table, you know, to hit the floor. 0:02:39.800 --> 0:02:43.120 That's like my money for the next few months. Attention. 0:02:43.160 --> 0:02:45.919 Go ahead, Jill, just you know, walk with caution. I 0:02:46.280 --> 0:02:53.639 am okay, here we go. So my grandmother has uh. 0:02:54.000 --> 0:02:56.080 I've gone to her to find out how she was doing. 0:02:56.400 --> 0:02:59.280 She knew she was going to pass, and I asked 0:02:59.280 --> 0:03:03.600 her what she's scared and she said for what. She said, 0:03:03.639 --> 0:03:07.679 I'm good with my God and I'm tired. I'm tired, 0:03:07.760 --> 0:03:11.800 and I'm ready to stop this, so don't you worry. 0:03:11.960 --> 0:03:15.560 That's where her head and heart was. But before she left, 0:03:16.200 --> 0:03:21.080 my mother said she went to her and was like, Mom, 0:03:21.120 --> 0:03:24.560 I have a very real question to ask you now. 0:03:24.600 --> 0:03:26.960 Mind you, the two of them, they spent a lot 0:03:26.960 --> 0:03:31.880 of time together, and she says, Mom, did you did 0:03:31.960 --> 0:03:40.520 you ever have an orgasm? And my mom says she 0:03:40.800 --> 0:03:45.960 smiled real hard and looked off into yonder and said 0:03:46.000 --> 0:03:52.520 my grandfather's name. Yeah. Yeah. That moment, my mother said, 0:03:52.600 --> 0:03:54.880 at that time, she said, I realized that my mother. 0:03:55.240 --> 0:03:57.880 I knew she had a life, she said, but she 0:03:57.960 --> 0:04:02.720 was she was actually having a life with someone. You know, 0:04:02.760 --> 0:04:06.040 that she shared her time with someone that she laughed with, 0:04:06.440 --> 0:04:09.040 Like she knew those things, but it was like some 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:12.680 distant thing. You know, your mom is hugged up with somebody. 0:04:12.680 --> 0:04:15.080 You're like, you know, you kind of pass it off. 0:04:15.120 --> 0:04:18.560 You don't really take the time to enjoy the fact 0:04:18.600 --> 0:04:21.880 that someone is loving and kind and generous and sweet 0:04:21.920 --> 0:04:24.600 to your mom. And that's what I think of, Like 0:04:24.640 --> 0:04:28.440 what like far as humanizing my grandmother for my mother, 0:04:29.240 --> 0:04:34.440 humanizing my mother for me. Boy, wait, I gotta, I 0:04:34.480 --> 0:04:37.560 got a told on on this all. Take a break 0:04:37.640 --> 0:04:40.120 for a second. Yeah, I gotta. I got a place 0:04:40.240 --> 0:04:42.080 where it needs be now. I don't want no trouble. 0:04:42.120 --> 0:04:45.400 I'll tell you, I don't want no trouble. If you 0:04:45.440 --> 0:04:47.680 have to forgive me today, I have a country in 0:04:47.800 --> 0:04:53.560 my mouth. I've been Oh, I've been doing dialect coaching 0:04:53.839 --> 0:04:59.200 for the last is his nickname. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, 0:04:59.240 --> 0:05:01.600 I'm sorry for kids, I'm sorry. Deal you were explaining 0:05:01.640 --> 0:05:05.120 your I'm doing dialect coaching, so I'm slipping in and 0:05:05.160 --> 0:05:09.640 out occasionally. Just shut up. You're so nasty. I love 0:05:09.680 --> 0:05:22.280 you for that. Learned from listening you. Yeah, biology did that, 0:05:22.480 --> 0:05:33.560 helf and genealogy, don't there we go, Natsha. I mean 0:05:33.600 --> 0:05:36.880 my grandmother was a very I don't want to say complicated, 0:05:36.880 --> 0:05:39.839 but like a complex individual. You know, she had like 0:05:39.880 --> 0:05:44.839 a very interesting childhood. He was from Wild Virginia. She 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:46.920 had become a part of family that had two sets 0:05:46.960 --> 0:05:49.320 of children, being raised in the same household for two sets, 0:05:49.360 --> 0:05:53.200 meeting her mother and children from her father and someone else. 0:05:53.480 --> 0:05:57.039 So marriage and relationships and stuff like that. Really in 0:05:57.080 --> 0:05:59.839 many ways probably represented a bit of an escape. She 0:06:00.040 --> 0:06:03.039 also grew up in a household where lots of very 0:06:03.279 --> 0:06:06.719 quote unquote fair skinned people were. She was very vibrant, 0:06:06.839 --> 0:06:09.200 she was a young mother. She knew what it was 0:06:09.240 --> 0:06:11.400 to be a mother alone with no one at a 0:06:11.440 --> 0:06:14.400 time when that wasn't really happening as much, and she 0:06:14.600 --> 0:06:18.279 was very much had just so much energy and she 0:06:18.400 --> 0:06:21.240 was like so full and so as a kid, my 0:06:21.279 --> 0:06:22.880 experience with her as a kid was just like my 0:06:23.040 --> 0:06:26.799 Nana is so fun because she always had this really youthful, 0:06:27.240 --> 0:06:30.080 vibrant energy because I just feel like she always wanted 0:06:30.120 --> 0:06:32.440 to kind of be a kid because she didn't really 0:06:32.480 --> 0:06:35.920 get that chance to like kid kids. So she kid kids, 0:06:36.000 --> 0:06:38.200 kidded with us, you know what I'm saying. So I 0:06:38.240 --> 0:06:40.400 just always kind of loved that about her. But the 0:06:40.400 --> 0:06:43.359 thing that humanized her for me was the things I 0:06:43.400 --> 0:06:46.400 disliked about her. I did not like the way that 0:06:46.480 --> 0:06:50.200 she treated my mom. They had a very complicated relationship 0:06:50.520 --> 0:06:53.520 and that I'm still unpacking to this day, And so 0:06:53.680 --> 0:06:56.359 my Nanna and I were humanized her for me was 0:06:56.520 --> 0:07:00.359 just trying to come to terms with whether or not 0:07:00.480 --> 0:07:05.080 I could really rock with her. And because I was 0:07:05.120 --> 0:07:11.280 so protective of my own mother, and I remember that 0:07:11.360 --> 0:07:14.440 my mom. One time, my grandmother said something to my 0:07:14.480 --> 0:07:18.880 mom and I stepped in there and I tried to 0:07:18.960 --> 0:07:26.720 defend my mother, and my mom went off for me. 0:07:27.240 --> 0:07:31.560 My mother wasn't a big hitter, but I could tell 0:07:31.680 --> 0:07:34.640 she was like, she's about hit me, and She's like, 0:07:34.680 --> 0:07:38.960 don't you ever in your life speak to my mother 0:07:39.040 --> 0:07:43.440 like that? And I was like, okay. There were lots 0:07:43.440 --> 0:07:46.320 of different moments with my grandmother like that. I witnessed 0:07:46.360 --> 0:07:50.720 my grandmother grieve a child that preceded her in death. 0:07:52.320 --> 0:07:54.840 That was another thing that really humanized her for me, 0:07:55.160 --> 0:07:58.320 watching her go from being a woman who literally had 0:07:58.360 --> 0:08:03.360 it all together for me, house immaculate, always in tune 0:08:03.400 --> 0:08:08.400 with the moment, always present, You're always present. When I 0:08:08.440 --> 0:08:13.000 saw her grieve and grief hard, I couldn't speak, couldn't talk, 0:08:14.560 --> 0:08:18.040 wailing like the sound of like a band, she wailing, 0:08:18.720 --> 0:08:22.040 you know, the type of ancestral wailing. So those were 0:08:22.080 --> 0:08:23.720 moments for me where I looked at her and I 0:08:23.800 --> 0:08:26.600 was like, oh, yeah, this is a whole person. Yeah, 0:08:26.680 --> 0:08:29.480 this is this is definitely a whole person. Yeah. I 0:08:29.520 --> 0:08:31.600 love that we all have different moments. I was listening 0:08:31.640 --> 0:08:33.560 to your moments of like humanizing, and I was thinking 0:08:33.520 --> 0:08:35.480 about my grandmom. And it's funny because I thought about 0:08:35.520 --> 0:08:38.000 Jills moments and I was like, well, as far as 0:08:38.000 --> 0:08:41.600 my grandmam, I always knew she was somewhat sexual because 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:44.800 she had been married twice. She had five children, and 0:08:44.840 --> 0:08:48.040 she had three different fathers to build those five children, right, 0:08:48.080 --> 0:08:50.880 so I always knew that my grandmother. She was a 0:08:51.000 --> 0:08:53.360 very fly grandmother. She was one of those people that 0:08:53.440 --> 0:08:54.839 you hear and you go, oh, that's your mom. No, 0:08:55.040 --> 0:08:57.400 that's my grandma, want a whole bunch of jerysh fly whatever. 0:08:58.120 --> 0:08:59.920 But she was also a very flat but very like 0:09:00.160 --> 0:09:03.600 strict in her home. You didn't say, are you get 0:09:03.600 --> 0:09:06.280 plucked in the head. She was very about getting the switch. 0:09:06.400 --> 0:09:08.560 She was very about beating you. And you know, for 0:09:08.600 --> 0:09:10.520 a long time I didn't like my grandmother because my 0:09:10.559 --> 0:09:13.080 parents had divorced when I was six and I ended 0:09:13.120 --> 0:09:15.079 up leaving my mother and my grandmother and she was 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:17.520 still just as strict, and it was worse because I 0:09:17.600 --> 0:09:20.600 lived where, which is strange because you know, turn around 0:09:20.600 --> 0:09:22.800 now she became my best friend like twenty years later. 0:09:23.160 --> 0:09:26.920 But yeah, right, I mean, he just appreciated all those moments, 0:09:27.960 --> 0:09:31.840 But the moment that humanized my grandmom for me was 0:09:32.640 --> 0:09:34.840 seeing as strong as she wasn't as strict as she 0:09:34.920 --> 0:09:37.400 wasn't as no nonsense as she was, and not about 0:09:37.400 --> 0:09:39.160 the white man and all this other stuff when it 0:09:39.240 --> 0:09:43.280 came to her own sons and their ways. I just 0:09:43.280 --> 0:09:45.480 didn't appreciate the way she handled She had two sons 0:09:45.480 --> 0:09:48.400 that to me were just I want to be nice 0:09:48.440 --> 0:09:51.800 about this because I liked one, but he was still 0:09:52.280 --> 0:09:56.920 not very um friendly and uh, it's very selfish man. 0:09:57.040 --> 0:09:58.719 One was very selfish and the other one was a 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:00.959 selfish in a different way right, and the other one 0:10:01.200 --> 0:10:04.559 is awful to this day. But I just remember humanizing 0:10:04.600 --> 0:10:06.240 her when I saw the way she treated them and 0:10:06.240 --> 0:10:08.040 still let them come in the house and do the 0:10:08.040 --> 0:10:10.160 things that they did and say the things that they 0:10:10.200 --> 0:10:12.640 said to my mom and disrespecting that way because my 0:10:12.640 --> 0:10:15.920 grandma was still like, these are her children, and I 0:10:16.000 --> 0:10:19.920 just never understood this. So that was the moment for 0:10:20.000 --> 0:10:26.200 me when she was humanizing my eyes. It's just child, 0:10:26.600 --> 0:10:29.520 because I'm glad you started with grandmother's Because the grandmothers 0:10:29.600 --> 0:10:32.839 tell the story, they set the tone for the whole thing. Right, 0:10:33.840 --> 0:10:36.120 and you know, like how you view your mom, because 0:10:36.360 --> 0:10:39.560 what humanizes your mother is that thinking about her childhood, 0:10:39.720 --> 0:10:42.000 that thinking about what made her into the woman that 0:10:42.080 --> 0:10:44.680 she was. At least that is for me, you know, 0:10:44.800 --> 0:10:47.680 really looking at what my mom had to deal with, 0:10:47.760 --> 0:10:50.199 who she grew up with, what were the rules, what 0:10:50.280 --> 0:10:54.280 was the thinking, what were the experiences? And that really 0:10:54.400 --> 0:10:58.680 kind of started with my nana. Again. It's interesting because 0:10:58.800 --> 0:11:02.160 all the things that were quote unquote and perfect about her, 0:11:02.480 --> 0:11:05.640 they make sense in context. After you get older, you 0:11:05.640 --> 0:11:07.920 get older, you start to think you don't like it, 0:11:09.280 --> 0:11:16.520 but you're like, oh, okay. You think about the circumstances 0:11:16.559 --> 0:11:20.200 of their existence. They think about all of these things 0:11:20.280 --> 0:11:22.640 instead of just who you are in this house at 0:11:22.640 --> 0:11:27.240 this moment, providing and caring for me or my brothers 0:11:27.240 --> 0:11:29.920 and sisters or whatever the case may be. The situations 0:11:29.960 --> 0:11:32.880 and the circumstances of their life have a really big 0:11:32.920 --> 0:11:34.920 factor in who they are and why they are the 0:11:34.960 --> 0:11:37.880 whare they are. Because Jill, when you said to think 0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:40.080 about your grandma, it's so interesting because although I know 0:11:40.160 --> 0:11:42.599 my grandmother was a sexual person, when you said that 0:11:42.640 --> 0:11:45.000 thing about your grand mom and the orgasm in my 0:11:45.040 --> 0:11:48.120 grandmother's later years, I would frequently ask her about sex, 0:11:48.400 --> 0:11:50.080 and I sawear to God, and she had a whole 0:11:50.120 --> 0:11:55.400 silly perspective, like it was my mom and my grandmother 0:11:55.480 --> 0:12:00.120 actually never talked about that ever. So this was a 0:12:00.280 --> 0:12:03.600 big moment for my mother to gear up. She said 0:12:03.640 --> 0:12:06.440 she had been working on the question for days, and 0:12:06.480 --> 0:12:08.200 she's like, I'm not going to have a lot of 0:12:08.240 --> 0:12:11.120 time to ask questions that I really want to know, 0:12:11.960 --> 0:12:13.880 she said. She held her breath for a while, and 0:12:13.920 --> 0:12:18.080 then she just mom, um, can I ask you? You know, 0:12:18.320 --> 0:12:21.840 my grandmother's five nine, my mother six one, and my 0:12:21.880 --> 0:12:25.120 grandmother was very weak at the end, you know, but 0:12:25.280 --> 0:12:28.640 still my mother was afraid to ask her this very 0:12:28.679 --> 0:12:32.920 important question to her. And nonetheless, you know, she was 0:12:33.000 --> 0:12:36.560 so pleasantly surprised to know that her mother had had 0:12:36.559 --> 0:12:40.880 a full existence, you know that she actually was happy 0:12:41.400 --> 0:12:45.000 and enjoying her humanity, but so interested she had to 0:12:45.000 --> 0:12:47.760 wait that late. She was scared to have that conversation 0:12:48.160 --> 0:12:51.320 because my mom, I believed, when I think about my 0:12:51.360 --> 0:12:53.240 mom and Grandmam, I think there was just so many 0:12:53.280 --> 0:12:57.240 secrets between them, things that they both knew but they 0:12:57.240 --> 0:12:59.440 just did not talk about, you know what I mean. 0:12:59.600 --> 0:13:03.160 And but there was just like a deep, deep abiding love, 0:13:03.280 --> 0:13:07.280 like I mean, just that I didn't understand outside the 0:13:07.320 --> 0:13:10.360 context of she sometimes ain't nice to you, you know, 0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:13.560 that kind of thing. But it was like they had 0:13:13.960 --> 0:13:19.839 between them these agreements, these contracts and understandings that were 0:13:19.880 --> 0:13:22.719 beyond my understanding. When I was younger, and even when 0:13:22.760 --> 0:13:24.920 I was in my twenties, I didn't fully understand. How 0:13:24.920 --> 0:13:29.760 about as a mom or I fully I fully understand it. 0:13:30.520 --> 0:13:34.360 I am absolutely tapped into what that was about. My 0:13:34.520 --> 0:13:40.800 Nanna desired a life and never allowed herself to fully 0:13:40.840 --> 0:13:46.040 be swallowed by her circumstances. She fought and resisted many 0:13:46.080 --> 0:13:49.520 times towards the situations that should have boxed her in 0:13:50.280 --> 0:13:53.720 choices that she made in love and choices she made 0:13:53.760 --> 0:13:56.719 in making. My mother and we talked about putting our 0:13:56.880 --> 0:13:59.600 family business out there. But I'm gonna speak on this. 0:13:59.679 --> 0:14:03.600 My mother had written a book which she never completely finished, 0:14:03.640 --> 0:14:05.439 but this story is in the book, and my grandmother 0:14:05.480 --> 0:14:08.920 has since passed, so I'm gonna speak on it and 0:14:08.960 --> 0:14:10.920 made my family forgive me if they have an issue, 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:13.600 but you know, I'm grown, come see me. What I 0:14:13.640 --> 0:14:17.319 will say is that my nana did have an affair, 0:14:17.600 --> 0:14:21.400 and that the identity of my mother's father came into question. 0:14:22.520 --> 0:14:24.520 I don't want to really rest on that. What I 0:14:24.560 --> 0:14:28.440 want to rest on is that there was a lack 0:14:28.480 --> 0:14:31.000 of love in her life, and there was a lack 0:14:31.040 --> 0:14:33.640 of understanding in her life. And she had been pulled 0:14:33.680 --> 0:14:39.200 from childhood into womanhood, into motherhood, and she desired that 0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:42.680 connection and love and she fought to get it. Now 0:14:42.720 --> 0:14:47.080 what she completely altogether in her decisions or they quote 0:14:47.120 --> 0:14:51.200 unquote right, wrong, ethical whatever whatever. Maybe they were, maybe 0:14:51.200 --> 0:14:54.280 they were not, depending on who was having a conversation, 0:14:54.920 --> 0:14:58.640 but this was her way. My grandmother had, you know, 0:14:58.800 --> 0:15:01.400 relationship with a man when I was a young person. 0:15:01.520 --> 0:15:03.520 You know, my grandfather had passed or whatever, but she 0:15:03.560 --> 0:15:06.760 had she had a boyfriend. But it wasn't even just 0:15:06.840 --> 0:15:08.920 a relationships with men, but it was also she worked. 0:15:09.080 --> 0:15:14.960 She worked job, she loved, she exercised, she played with us, 0:15:15.920 --> 0:15:20.680 she gardened, she had hobbies, she loved her kids. She 0:15:20.840 --> 0:15:24.080 enjoyed holidays like she would play games with us, Like 0:15:24.200 --> 0:15:27.240 during Christmas time, my nan wouldn't just buy as gifts. 0:15:27.280 --> 0:15:30.760 She would play like prices right, and what's behind during 0:15:30.840 --> 0:15:33.480 number two? And and all these kinds of things with 0:15:33.560 --> 0:15:37.400 us as kids. So her thirst for life, that's something 0:15:37.440 --> 0:15:40.320 that I understood was behind a lot of her decisions. 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:44.280 Her relationship with my mother was probably you know, more 0:15:44.360 --> 0:15:47.120 about the fact that my mother and many black folks 0:15:47.160 --> 0:15:50.240 have this issue, and black mothers have this issue. My 0:15:50.320 --> 0:15:54.440 mother had opportunities she did not. My mother could have 0:15:54.600 --> 0:15:57.200 life that she had to fight for. My mother could 0:15:57.200 --> 0:16:01.080 just have my mother, she would glow from the inside. 0:16:01.720 --> 0:16:03.600 I can imagine for a person who had to fight 0:16:03.640 --> 0:16:07.080 for glow and fight for light, that they couldn't always 0:16:07.240 --> 0:16:12.160 be as receptive to that light. I think there's probably 0:16:12.320 --> 0:16:17.200 some resentment there to see someone to to want something 0:16:17.280 --> 0:16:20.120 so bad and then to see it in somebody else 0:16:20.520 --> 0:16:23.000 that you gave birth to and they're just doing it 0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:27.200 so effortlessly, Like as much as you may obviously love 0:16:27.240 --> 0:16:30.600 your child, at the same time, you're like, damn, you know, 0:16:30.920 --> 0:16:33.120 you're just glowing all around here, And I had to 0:16:33.200 --> 0:16:36.720 hustle and work for it and cry over and toil 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:44.320 and stress out. You man, you know somewhere in there, 0:16:44.760 --> 0:16:47.720 like it's easy to the women in my family, I 0:16:47.800 --> 0:16:55.440 find myself there literal she rose to me like my grandmother. 0:16:55.840 --> 0:17:00.800 She the house quote on fire, and she got some 0:17:00.840 --> 0:17:02.800 of her children out, but there was the baby was 0:17:02.920 --> 0:17:05.480 still in there sleep. He must my uncle must have 0:17:05.520 --> 0:17:10.720 been about maybe seven months she was. She was downstairs 0:17:10.720 --> 0:17:13.000 with the other children, so she got them out, and 0:17:13.040 --> 0:17:15.320 then when she ran back in to get her baby, 0:17:15.880 --> 0:17:18.520 the firefighters held on to her and they were like, oh, 0:17:18.560 --> 0:17:20.560 you can't go in there. It's over. You can't go 0:17:20.600 --> 0:17:23.560 in there. I'm sorry. Man. She fought all five men 0:17:24.080 --> 0:17:26.439 and got in that house and came out with no 0:17:26.560 --> 0:17:31.439 eyebrows and no eyelashes, with her son alive. Those are 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:36.000 the women. And you look at these heroes. You look 0:17:36.080 --> 0:17:40.320 at these strong, powerful women, and you know, particularly mothers 0:17:40.320 --> 0:17:42.720 and grandmothers were talking about right now, and you you 0:17:42.760 --> 0:17:48.199 think you can't live up to that kind of greatness 0:17:48.720 --> 0:17:51.600 or that kind of presence. You know, it's easy to 0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:56.240 get trapped into your light or you're not like your mom. 0:17:56.640 --> 0:18:00.119 So you can rebel, you can actually rebel against her 0:18:00.160 --> 0:18:03.520 own greatness because you don't think that you have what 0:18:03.640 --> 0:18:10.600 your mother has. It can happen, yes, the and the's 0:18:10.640 --> 0:18:14.119 the flip side too, of like, because our mothers and 0:18:14.160 --> 0:18:16.960 grandmothers had to have this this upper strength and this 0:18:17.119 --> 0:18:20.720 lower strength in this middle strength, there are some things 0:18:20.760 --> 0:18:24.360 that fell to the wayside. You now can see clearer 0:18:24.800 --> 0:18:27.040 as a grown up yourself. You know what I mean, 0:18:27.119 --> 0:18:30.760 especially in the lane of advice and in great relationships, 0:18:31.240 --> 0:18:35.640 especially in relationships, because I mean, I think that it's 0:18:35.760 --> 0:18:37.560 very it's interesting. I mean, I think for me, I 0:18:37.560 --> 0:18:39.880 don't know as you Jill, but I know my mom 0:18:40.000 --> 0:18:43.200 is single. I think for you Asian, when your mom passed, 0:18:43.240 --> 0:18:47.199 she was single. My mom is single, right, and the 0:18:47.240 --> 0:18:50.879 same thing for my my grandmom. So it's interested in 0:18:50.880 --> 0:18:53.080 this in this conversation when we were first talking about 0:18:53.080 --> 0:18:55.640 and having I thought about like the moment too, when 0:18:55.720 --> 0:19:00.439 I had to not go ah with every piece of 0:19:00.480 --> 0:19:04.800 advice that was given to me in certain realms where 0:19:04.920 --> 0:19:07.800 they may have not excuse me, looking around and see 0:19:07.800 --> 0:19:12.080 if she's listening excelled or I want to say excelled 0:19:12.119 --> 0:19:14.200 or at least been in a place that I want 0:19:14.280 --> 0:19:17.200 to be. Oh, my mother straight up told me better 0:19:17.359 --> 0:19:21.479 preach that to a point. Amen, Amen, Like, yeah, what 0:19:21.520 --> 0:19:23.760 I'm saying is my mom straight up told me I 0:19:23.800 --> 0:19:25.480 got to a point in my marriage. I came to 0:19:25.520 --> 0:19:27.199 her and I said, listen, I don't know what to 0:19:27.200 --> 0:19:30.760 do by expanse. She said, sweetheart, you've been married louder 0:19:30.760 --> 0:19:36.760 than I was. WHOA, Oh right, somebody done a lot 0:19:36.760 --> 0:19:38.960 of mom, because a lot of mom. Let me tell 0:19:38.960 --> 0:19:42.119 you what to do. I was like, oh ship, okay, um, 0:19:43.000 --> 0:19:45.560 because you know I have I have some some friends 0:19:45.600 --> 0:19:50.840 where their mothers really are haters when it comes to 0:19:50.960 --> 0:19:57.800 love and relationships. They really are like they sabotage their 0:19:57.880 --> 0:20:02.520 daughter's thoughts be because they are by themselves and they 0:20:02.520 --> 0:20:04.560 don't want to be I don't know if that's what 0:20:04.600 --> 0:20:06.600 it is, or they're just thinking or I've been down 0:20:06.640 --> 0:20:09.200 this road so I know everything and he ain't nothing. 0:20:09.680 --> 0:20:12.359 I can tell by the way he walks like you 0:20:13.119 --> 0:20:15.520 don't know that you know he had surgery on his foot, 0:20:15.800 --> 0:20:21.840 like you just you jump up like mama, that's the game. Greens. 0:20:22.000 --> 0:20:25.000 Give him a shot, man, just give him a shot. 0:20:25.240 --> 0:20:27.280 That's an interesting moment in your heart space. I don't 0:20:27.320 --> 0:20:29.920 know about job, but that moment where you're like, okay, mom, 0:20:30.000 --> 0:20:33.280 listening here. Yeah, I don't want I don't want to 0:20:33.359 --> 0:20:35.800 do this like I you know, I have a son, 0:20:35.960 --> 0:20:39.760 so it's it's different even with my mentees. I'm like, listen, 0:20:40.520 --> 0:20:44.280 I don't know everything. Bowl I'm trying to tell you. 0:20:44.640 --> 0:20:47.040 I don't want you to make the mistakes I may, 0:20:47.240 --> 0:20:52.600 but maybe I do because they got me here. Everything 0:20:52.720 --> 0:20:54.520 is going to get you where you want to be, 0:20:54.680 --> 0:20:57.639 whether you realize it or not. And that's game. You 0:20:57.720 --> 0:20:59.880 might as well hold on and put that in your pocket. 0:21:00.320 --> 0:21:04.399 You're going where you're intended. You are absolutely going. I 0:21:04.440 --> 0:21:06.480 will tell y'all the one of the moments that humanized 0:21:06.520 --> 0:21:09.760 my mother was the first time she cuts out a boyfriend. 0:21:10.600 --> 0:21:14.960 The first time she cuts out a boyfriend, and I 0:21:15.000 --> 0:21:18.040 was like, you was more stressed over this than I. 0:21:18.040 --> 0:21:20.720 I've never seen you and and I'm gonna have a whole, 0:21:20.720 --> 0:21:23.440 honest moment. And I hope she ain't listening that moment 0:21:23.480 --> 0:21:27.679 when she called me a fucking pussy because I was 0:21:27.720 --> 0:21:32.520 not reacting the way that she thought I should. And 0:21:32.680 --> 0:21:37.679 I'm not talking about being twenty on my post thirty. 0:21:37.680 --> 0:21:42.120 Where did you feel that? So many places to chill 0:21:44.400 --> 0:21:47.520 in my spirit in my chest, like I it was 0:21:47.560 --> 0:21:51.600 just a moment of like, damn, okay, Mom, I love you, 0:21:52.440 --> 0:21:55.359 I don't like this person. Damn, am I really a pussy? 0:21:55.440 --> 0:21:58.720 Because I'm not losing my whole mind and cussing this 0:21:58.800 --> 0:22:01.320 negro out as he takes is things out of the house, 0:22:02.040 --> 0:22:06.280 Like that was a humanizing moment of like, Okay that 0:22:06.400 --> 0:22:08.000 she is she and and me as me, and you 0:22:08.040 --> 0:22:11.639 have to decide to number one, and that's what you 0:22:11.720 --> 0:22:19.920 want to be. Yeah, that's what you want for you. Yeah, 0:22:20.600 --> 0:22:32.040 we'll be back after the break. I've seen a lot 0:22:32.080 --> 0:22:35.640 of sisters that that really try to be their mom's 0:22:36.520 --> 0:22:40.520 but I think it's mostly because they don't know who 0:22:40.560 --> 0:22:44.439 they are. You know, like you're you're really blessed when 0:22:44.480 --> 0:22:47.679 you get a chance to know your mama, to to 0:22:47.800 --> 0:22:51.080 know her insides. Okay, for instance, my girlfriend right now, 0:22:51.560 --> 0:23:01.320 excuse me, she has um dealing with cancer and double 0:23:01.400 --> 0:23:06.720 missectomy kept coming back, and she called me yesterday to 0:23:06.840 --> 0:23:11.640 tell me that she was feeling so ugly because of scars. 0:23:12.520 --> 0:23:15.960 And when I tell you, the woman is absolutely stunning, 0:23:16.119 --> 0:23:19.880 Like she's just stunning. She really is, always has been, skinned, 0:23:20.000 --> 0:23:24.400 just beautiful woman. She's blessed up to have two little 0:23:24.440 --> 0:23:28.200 girls and a husband that is positively there for her. 0:23:28.880 --> 0:23:32.480 And I told her, because I don't know what to do, 0:23:32.520 --> 0:23:35.720 I have to pray before I speak often, and I said, Okay, 0:23:35.920 --> 0:23:37.160 this is what I'm gonna need to do. I'm gonna 0:23:37.160 --> 0:23:38.880 need you to write all of this down. I don't 0:23:38.880 --> 0:23:41.600 want you to start talking about your scars and what 0:23:41.760 --> 0:23:44.000 makes you feel ugly in front of your girls. You 0:23:44.040 --> 0:23:46.880 cannot do that. But what you can do is make 0:23:46.920 --> 0:23:49.480 a journal and let them know who you are at 0:23:49.520 --> 0:23:53.440 this time because they're they're young, and when they turn eighteen, 0:23:54.240 --> 0:23:56.240 this is a book that they are allowed to read 0:23:56.840 --> 0:24:00.199 because they'll think about all the wonderful times, you know, 0:24:00.240 --> 0:24:04.000 when mom made the Halloween costume, and when mom made 0:24:04.040 --> 0:24:06.320 the dinner, and when Mom cheered me at the game, 0:24:06.400 --> 0:24:08.960 and with mom that they had. They'll have no idea, 0:24:09.480 --> 0:24:11.680 you know, if this is the route that you're gonna take, 0:24:11.880 --> 0:24:15.119 they'll have no idea what you withstood. This will be 0:24:15.119 --> 0:24:21.280 a testimony of strength to your daughters. Do that. Do that. 0:24:21.560 --> 0:24:24.359 I can't change anything for you. I wish I could, 0:24:25.520 --> 0:24:28.880 and I absolutely respect your strength and that you're thinking. 0:24:29.400 --> 0:24:31.439 I don't want to beat myself up in front of 0:24:31.440 --> 0:24:36.479 my girls, because that that's something that we passed down 0:24:36.960 --> 0:24:39.760 to our our daughters. You know, if you don't care 0:24:39.840 --> 0:24:42.960