Speaker 1: Hi guys, Hi everybody, It's Thursday, Thursday. Today's Thursday. That
Speaker 1: means it is October twelfth. I'm performing at the Pantagious
Speaker 1: tonight and tomorrow night, and I am coming to the
Speaker 1: Arizona Financial Center on Saturday.
Speaker 2: This Saturday night. You guys can still get tickets for.
Speaker 1: That Arizona Financial Center in Phoenix.
Speaker 2: And then next weekend.
Speaker 1: I have Cleveland, Ohio October twentieth, Columbus, Ohio October twenty first,
Speaker 1: and then Pittsburgh October twenty second at the Hines Theater,
Speaker 1: so please get tickets for that in those areas.
Speaker 2: This week has.
Speaker 1: Been a very difficult week because of all the violence
Speaker 1: and terrorism going on in Israel and how complicated that
Speaker 1: situation is.
Speaker 2: So yeah, a lot of mixed emotions.
Speaker 1: I don't think we'll get into it here, but I
Speaker 1: think that it is important to be as educated as
Speaker 1: you can and to understand that Hamas is a terrorist
Speaker 1: organization that does not represent most Palestine, just like MAGA
Speaker 1: right wing nuts don't represent most of Americans, just like
Speaker 1: jihattists don't represent most Islamicists. And to remember that there's
Speaker 1: really no room to say this is justified. I understand
Speaker 1: how complicated the history of that region is, and that
Speaker 1: Israeli government is not innocent in the oppression of the Palestinians,
Speaker 1: and the Palestinians their governments have not been innocent as well.
Speaker 2: So it is a two way street.
Speaker 1: And it really would be wonderful if we could have
Speaker 1: peace somewhere in this world.
Speaker 3: I mean, it is such a complex situation. I wonder.
Speaker 4: It always leaves me wondering, like what can we do?
Speaker 4: And I wonder if there's some like human rights organizations
Speaker 4: we can help.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there is a human rights organization you can donate
Speaker 1: to my friend Shelley. They're helping people on the ground,
Speaker 1: and not just Israelis. They're helping any Palestinians who have
Speaker 1: been since there is a blockade in Glaza. Israeli isn't
Speaker 1: letting anyone go into Gaza. But there is an organization
Speaker 1: that is helping anyone, anyone whether they are Israeli or
Speaker 1: Palestinian it is on the ground that needs help. It's
Speaker 1: called at Global empower Mint Mission, Global Empowerment Mission, and.
Speaker 2: They're giving aid to everybody. They're already in there.
Speaker 1: I put it on my Instagram page and you can
Speaker 1: follow Mindful Skater Girl also, and she gives information on
Speaker 1: that as well.
Speaker 4: I'll make sure to put a link to that in
Speaker 4: the description as well, so if you want to donate,
Speaker 4: you can go there and help out Chelsea. I do
Speaker 4: have kind of a lovely response to our episode last
Speaker 4: week with Ruby Warrington about not having kids.
Speaker 3: This comes from Deborah.
Speaker 4: She says, I am a seventy two year old woman
Speaker 4: who recently lost the love of my life after forty
Speaker 4: two years. Although he loved children, he respected my decision
Speaker 4: not to have any of our own. Between us, we
Speaker 4: have six nieces and nephews who have produced ten children.
Speaker 4: I love all my great nieces and nephews and have
Speaker 4: a really good time when I'm with them. They consider
Speaker 4: me the fun aunt. I'm always open to whatever challenges
Speaker 4: they present me with, and I've never regretted my descis
Speaker 4: to not have kids. The wonder of children and their
Speaker 4: curiosity of life is a joy that does not necessitate
Speaker 4: being a mother or a grandmother. My husband and I
Speaker 4: have followed you for many years and have always enjoyed
Speaker 4: your comedy and insight.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Deborah well Amen Shellem.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I just love that. Thanks for writing in Deborah.
Speaker 3: Thank you, Chelsea? Where have you been?
Speaker 2: Right now?
Speaker 1: I am living in my neighbor's house because my house
Speaker 1: is still not done Jeeve, so I am this is
Speaker 1: about eight months delayed, Chelsea.
Speaker 3: Day promise right now.
Speaker 1: Anyway, I like to focus on the positive things in life,
Speaker 1: and that is that I have Bernie back in my arms.
Speaker 1: She's looking fitter than ever. Here is a beautiful little baby.
Speaker 2: Look at her.
Speaker 1: Look she's lost weight. My Belle put her back in
Speaker 1: tiptop shape. And she's so sweet. She's even sweeter than
Speaker 1: when I left her. So I mean, I guess yeah.
Speaker 1: My Moll's a really good influence. I mean she only
Speaker 1: speaks Spanish, but that's fine because my Spanish has improved also,
Speaker 1: that's true.
Speaker 5: Giving there we.
Speaker 3: Go, fantastic.
Speaker 4: I have a question for you when you need to
Speaker 4: have a laugh, who do you go.
Speaker 5: To a laugh?
Speaker 3: A laugh?
Speaker 5: Myself? Fuck, I can't depend on anybody for that.
Speaker 3: No one else can be responsible for that.
Speaker 5: Nah, I don't know who I go to for a lot.
Speaker 1: I don't think I go to anyone for specifically no.
Speaker 4: Or like Okay, if you do need to have laugh,
Speaker 4: would you go book or would you go like comedy
Speaker 4: special TV shows.
Speaker 5: No, I don't get that either.
Speaker 1: I don't go I mean, I think there's a lot
Speaker 1: of natural laughter in my life like that. I don't
Speaker 1: have to seek that out. I go to people for
Speaker 1: other things, you know, but not laughter. No, I'm supply
Speaker 1: my own entertainment for myself. Yeah, yeah, can I have
Speaker 1: a fucking blast with myself?
Speaker 5: I mean, nobody gets me like I do.
Speaker 4: You know, I do think that that's the perfect answer.
Speaker 4: I think also, like when you can make yourself laugh,
Speaker 4: I'm definitely somebody. Like if I'm doing like a post
Speaker 4: on Instagram and I think it's funny, I'm like, I
Speaker 4: don't care if anybody else thinks it's funny, Like I'm
Speaker 4: cracking up about it for the next five minutes.
Speaker 3: I just love it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean I don't know a lot
Speaker 1: of books that make me laugh.
Speaker 3: No, there are not a lot of funny books.
Speaker 4: I think that's why yours stand out because they're just ridiculous.
Speaker 1: Yeah, mine are really ridiculous. And David Sedaris will make
Speaker 1: you laugh.
Speaker 5: That's a good author.
Speaker 1: And then there are you know, Sarah Silverman special made
Speaker 1: me fucking laugh my ass off, and she's got a
Speaker 1: new special that'll make you laugh. Yeah, no, I don't know.
Speaker 1: So our guest today is somebody who I have. I'm
Speaker 1: very excited to talk to you because I've read a
Speaker 1: lot of her stuff. She's an essayist and the author
Speaker 1: of METI We are never meeting in real life and wow, no,
Speaker 1: thank you.
Speaker 5: Her new book is called Quietly Hostile.
Speaker 1: It came out in May, so please welcome humorist Samantha Irbie.
Speaker 5: Hello, Oh look who's there? Media scion Samantha Rbie.
Speaker 6: Oh my god, look at you guys. You look so beautiful.
Speaker 1: Why do you have half of your face cut off?
Speaker 1: How are we supposed to even recognize you?
Speaker 5: Fully? You have to flip it and reverse it, back
Speaker 5: it up.
Speaker 6: Okay, here's the thing. My desk covered in garbage, and
Speaker 6: I can't push.
Speaker 5: Die down and just pop your head up.
Speaker 6: So oh wait, here we go.
Speaker 5: Thank you ye of your full face? That's all. Hi,
Speaker 5: Samantha Irbie, how are you? I am?
Speaker 6: My sweetheart? Okay, I know everybody comes on and it's
Speaker 6: probably like Chelsea, I love you so much, but I
Speaker 6: really do.
Speaker 1: They don't do that, and they don't.
Speaker 5: Okay, well then I forget.
Speaker 6: Let me be the fucking first and say that are
Speaker 6: you there, vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Is the first audiobook
Speaker 6: I ever listened to, and I count you among one
Speaker 6: of the few people who I ate it possible to
Speaker 6: like talk about your bullshit in a book that people
Speaker 6: would buy and read, and it's funny and anyway, without you,
Speaker 6: there's no me.
Speaker 1: Well that's wonderful because I'm actually Samantha's birth mother, and
Speaker 1: that's what this is podcast is all about.
Speaker 5: This is our twenty three in Me episode. And actually, Samantha,
Speaker 5: you have a lot.
Speaker 1: Of siblings that you're about to learn about too, So
Speaker 1: I hope that you're in a good mood.
Speaker 6: Okay, I'm fine to meet them, as long as you
Speaker 6: tell me upfront that I'm your favorite.
Speaker 1: Oh, you're my favorite, obviously. You know I'm not an
Speaker 1: idiot about favorites. Who's whoever I'm talking to. I just
Speaker 1: want to say that I became familiar with you by
Speaker 1: I think it was an excerpt that they had printed
Speaker 1: from one of your books in the La Times, and
Speaker 1: I thought, oh wow, what a breath of fresh air.
Speaker 1: And then right when I became familiar with you, everyone
Speaker 1: in my world started bringing you up to me because
Speaker 1: you have such a unique writing style and you're, I
Speaker 1: would say, a humorist.
Speaker 5: Would you agree with that?
Speaker 6: Yes, it's a weird word.
Speaker 7: Right.
Speaker 6: It feels fancier than what it is I think I do.
Speaker 5: Do you think essays is fancier than humorists?
Speaker 6: Essays is too fancy because like I feel like, you know,
Speaker 6: David from or somebody is writing like essays. But if
Speaker 6: you say comedian, people are people assume stand up and
Speaker 6: I would never do stand up. I'm too sensitive. I
Speaker 6: cannot have people walking in the door like primed to
Speaker 6: call me a fabage before they even sit down. I
Speaker 6: can't do that. So, yeah, humorist works. There's no good
Speaker 6: word funny person.
Speaker 5: I know there really is.
Speaker 1: There's a language that has so many words that mean
Speaker 1: the same fucking thing. You think they would be able
Speaker 1: to come up with a new one or two to
Speaker 1: describe very particular professions moods, you know, behaviors.
Speaker 6: Yeah, wait, what do you call yourself? Are you like actor?
Speaker 1: I don't, I mean, I just I can't. People call
Speaker 1: me sometimes a writer a comedian essays two, I'm like essays,
Speaker 1: that's not I don't know an essay if it hit
Speaker 1: me in the fucking face. My writing is like basically
Speaker 1: just learned out of every editor I've ever worked with.
Speaker 1: I never had any formal training except for David Sad
Speaker 1: and reading his books, and I just started once I
Speaker 1: realized that you could do whatever the fuck you felt
Speaker 1: like as a writer. Not that everyone is successful at
Speaker 1: doing that, but you can do that.
Speaker 5: And the beautiful part about doing what.
Speaker 1: You want and how you would want to read is
Speaker 1: that you're being honest and you have a real point
Speaker 1: of view. And when you have a real point of view,
Speaker 1: that's when you attract people. You know, That's when people
Speaker 1: become well known, is because they are sharing something very
Speaker 1: real to them. So I loved when I heard that advice,
Speaker 1: like just be yourself and I think that that and
Speaker 1: you're writing too, that this is the way that you
Speaker 1: look at things in a very authentic way and see things.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I have had I'm with you on the no
Speaker 6: formal training. That's another reason why when when people say essayist,
Speaker 6: I'm like, I couldn't write a persuasive essay if you
Speaker 6: wrote half of it for me, right, That's not really
Speaker 6: what I do. But they call it essays because that's
Speaker 6: easier than printed out blogs or whatever the fuck I
Speaker 6: would call it a vlog.
Speaker 5: I'm gonna speak for you right now, and I know
Speaker 5: that you would call it a vlog.
Speaker 6: Yes I would. I'm glad and maybe this is me
Speaker 6: just trying to put lipstick on a pig, but I
Speaker 6: am glad that I don't have any MFA professor voice
Speaker 6: in my head telling me that I suck, telling me
Speaker 6: that the form is wrong, telling me that it's bullshit.
Speaker 6: Like people ask for writing advice and it's like impossible
Speaker 6: to give. But what I I always say is write
Speaker 6: what you want right because your editor's gonna fix it
Speaker 6: and fuck around with it and change it. The publisher
Speaker 6: is gonna have something to say. So if you start
Speaker 6: out writing what you want, eventually it'll feel natural and
Speaker 6: most of you will come through on the page. I'm
Speaker 6: at the point now where they don't really change mind,
Speaker 6: Like they fix the errors, but it's never like this
Speaker 6: story needs a little more piss, you know what I mean.
Speaker 6: They leave me alone, and I feel very lucky. But
Speaker 6: I really do just like write whatever the fuck I want,
Speaker 6: how I want, and I don't even have to convince
Speaker 6: them that people will buy it, which is amazing. At
Speaker 6: this point it took a few boots and now they're like, Oh,
Speaker 6: you're gonna write about this porn you watched. Okay, people
Speaker 6: hope we'll buy that. Well.
Speaker 4: And I think that's something that you sam are so
Speaker 4: good at, is inserting your personality into stuff. I was
Speaker 4: reading just like a little listical. I think it was
Speaker 4: on the strategist of like stuff that you bought recently.
Speaker 3: And it's so funny. It was one of my favorite things.
Speaker 5: I've read recently.
Speaker 3: I was like, this sound machine sounds like something I
Speaker 3: should buy.
Speaker 6: Okay, you should.
Speaker 5: It's very cheap sound. I mean, I have to listen
Speaker 5: to sound every night. I'm like a baby me too.
Speaker 1: I need a fan a rainstorm, and I need to
Speaker 1: hear my dog within like six feet.
Speaker 5: Does your dog sleep in the bed when I trap her?
Speaker 5: Fucking ass?
Speaker 1: She does when I trap her and pull away the
Speaker 1: doggy steps and she has no retreat.
Speaker 6: That's right.
Speaker 1: But I also just started this is a little bit
Speaker 1: more sishy, but somebody sent me a rose Quartz eyeshade.
Speaker 5: I always wear eye.
Speaker 1: Shades because I have to be in the dark, and
Speaker 1: sometimes I end up just putting a T shirt over
Speaker 1: my head, like a condom because I can't find my
Speaker 1: eye shade because I'm too stone at the end of
Speaker 1: the night, which has been an ongoing saga quite frankly,
Speaker 1: and I wish somebody would be able to I can
Speaker 1: nip it in the bud for me. AnyWho, I wore
Speaker 1: this quartz eyeshit, and I got to tell you, like,
Speaker 1: my face felt so good and it stayed on all night.
Speaker 3: It's quartz.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's rose Quartz. I mean it's from some brand
Speaker 1: that I never plugged that I'm loving.
Speaker 6: So look at that's incredible. I'm gonna have to do
Speaker 6: that because I too am a late night stonar. Oh
Speaker 6: my god, Like, nothing is better.
Speaker 5: Where do you live, Samantha. Are you in New York
Speaker 5: or La?
Speaker 6: No, I am in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
Speaker 5: That's very suspect.
Speaker 6: I am a child of the Midwest. Well, I'm from
Speaker 6: just north of Chicago, which is better than Keith Listen.
Speaker 5: I just had two shows in Kalamazoo a couple of
Speaker 5: months ago.
Speaker 6: Oh bitch, we couldn't go because they sold out.
Speaker 1: Oh you should have contacted me. I would have totally
Speaker 1: gotten you hooked up. That would have been Oh they
Speaker 1: sold out. The same thing to say, there's always a way.
Speaker 6: I don't have that kind of nerve. Now that we've
Speaker 6: met and i'm seeing you face to face, I'm gonna
Speaker 6: message you about everything. But then what if you were like, bitch, no,
Speaker 6: who are you? I would have dropped dead.
Speaker 5: No, I don't do that.
Speaker 1: I do I help strangers that I don't know if
Speaker 1: they're looking for tickets. I mean, I don't help them
Speaker 1: by giving them because word got out about that, but
Speaker 1: I direct that to my fucking website.
Speaker 5: Oh you know where, I'm coming to, Detroit. That's not
Speaker 5: far from health.
Speaker 6: Ce you in Detroit.
Speaker 5: Oh yeah, okay, we'll hook her up with Detroit tickets.
Speaker 5: That's perfect.
Speaker 6: I'll come see you. It'll be great. But yeah, I'm
Speaker 6: in Kalamazoo because my wife lived here and she has kids.
Speaker 1: Well, your wife is still living there. Actually it's not
Speaker 1: past tests and now you live there.
Speaker 6: So when we met, she lived here, and when we
Speaker 6: decided to get married and live together, I had no
Speaker 6: dog in the fight, you know, as the childless one,
Speaker 6: I could not be like, well Chicago is better. You
Speaker 6: know that doesn't fly. So now I live here. But
Speaker 6: you know what, I'm getting used to it I like it.
Speaker 1: I think, what are the differences that you've noticed, or
Speaker 1: like the things in the beginning that you thought were
Speaker 1: a little bit shocking but that you've since warmed up to.
Speaker 6: Okay, well this donna sound fucked up if I say
Speaker 6: I've warmed up to it. But there's not a lot
Speaker 6: of ethnic food, lots of different kinds of people. But
Speaker 6: if you want to get like Thai food or Ethiopian food,
Speaker 6: you have to drive to another town that's probably forty
Speaker 6: five minutes to an hour away at least. And like,
Speaker 6: that was a you know, Chicago's a big food town,
Speaker 6: and it was a big bummer to move here and
Speaker 6: be like, Okay, we got like two nice restaurants we
Speaker 6: can go to and a few others we can pick
Speaker 6: stuff up from. But I'm used to it now and
Speaker 6: it's fine, you know, Okay, it's fine. Well that's good.
Speaker 6: There's no traffic.
Speaker 1: That's nice. Yeah, that is really nice. Because you've lived
Speaker 1: in LA and New York, haven't you.
Speaker 6: I've lived in LA for a few months, never in
Speaker 6: New York. I have to go there for work, But
Speaker 6: I hate New York.
Speaker 5: Oh you do do you?
Speaker 6: What do you?
Speaker 1: Because do you have you have OCD. Yeah, yes, does
Speaker 1: that play into your hatred of New York.
Speaker 6: Well a little because it's so filthy. It's just so.
Speaker 6: I stepped in a bag of vomit in the middle
Speaker 6: of Lexington. It was like ten years ago, and I
Speaker 6: can still feel my toe.
Speaker 5: I can feel what you're describing.
Speaker 6: And I was like, this, fuck, I hate this fucking town.
Speaker 6: Every time I'm there, something in I'd see something insane
Speaker 6: that's totally normal to everyone who's there, and I'm like,
Speaker 6: how do you get used to this? No ty food,
Speaker 6: I can get used to act. The vomit in the street.
Speaker 5: You can't get used to.
Speaker 1: There is a feculence that is roaming. And this is
Speaker 1: in San Francisco too, because I visit my sister quite
Speaker 1: often and I am alarmed by what goes on in
Speaker 1: San Francisco. It's just defecation on the streets. You just
Speaker 1: walk by piles of human shit. And I remember the
Speaker 1: first time someone pointed it out to me and I
Speaker 1: was like, how do you know that's human shit? They're like, Chelsea,
Speaker 1: you could tell the difference. I was like, since when
Speaker 1: I haven't been charatering human shit to know that I
Speaker 1: there was a difference between dog shit and human shit.
Speaker 5: What is the difference and apparently there is a big one.
Speaker 5: Oh God, talk to me a little.
Speaker 1: Bit more about your OCD and how that works with
Speaker 1: being such a successful writer.
Speaker 6: The OCD I was diagnosed like nine or ten months ago,
Speaker 6: because I, Oh, forgive me for how this sounds, but
Speaker 6: just work with me. I I kind of leaned into
Speaker 6: the pandemic. I was like, Oh, this isn't bad. I
Speaker 6: had a book come out in March of twenty twenty.
Speaker 6: I didn't have to tour. They just delivered cases of
Speaker 6: books to my house and people ordered them and I
Speaker 6: personalized them and sent them out and it was great.
Speaker 6: I didn't have to do anything. I didn't have to
Speaker 6: go anywhere. And then like a year into it, I
Speaker 6: was like, oh, I'm actually like losing my mind. And
Speaker 6: then when things opened up and we could go places,
Speaker 6: I found that I was terrified of everyone. And that's
Speaker 6: not me right, Like I'm not I'm a friendly person.
Speaker 6: I'm fine out in public, but I was super hyper vigilant.
Speaker 6: I thought someone was gonna attack me, or someone was
Speaker 6: going to run me off the road. So I got
Speaker 6: a psychiatrist and just told her about myself and at
Speaker 6: the end she was like, I know you think you
Speaker 6: have bad anxiety and depression, and you do have anxiety,
Speaker 6: but your biggest problem is that you have OCD. And
Speaker 6: I was like, whoa, So the way mine manifests. I
Speaker 6: don't have a lot of ooh, I forget what they're called,
Speaker 6: but you know, like the people who scrub their hands
Speaker 6: and check, I don't have a lot of those. I
Speaker 6: have a few bad ones, like I can't touch money,
Speaker 6: like physical money.
Speaker 5: Oh good, there's none left anyway solved. I mean you
Speaker 5: just have to use credit cards.
Speaker 6: Yeah. As a kid, though, it was like if you
Speaker 6: tried to hand me a bunch of loose change, I
Speaker 6: couldn't touch selling.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't wash my hands after that, and I don't
Speaker 1: wash my hands after after a lot.
Speaker 5: I'll be honest.
Speaker 6: You know what. The most horrifying thing on earth to
Speaker 6: me is to see someone like pay for something with
Speaker 6: real money and then put their hands on food and
Speaker 6: eat that food and may, oh my god, I.
Speaker 1: Will That's very prevalent in New York City because of
Speaker 1: all this dance and the like taco stance or no
Speaker 1: taco stance in New York.
Speaker 5: City, but straight food, whatever they're called.
Speaker 6: I wish, I wish it could be me, but it
Speaker 6: will never know.
Speaker 1: I know, I know, I kind of there is something
Speaker 1: when you look at a man that does that casually,
Speaker 1: like you're kind of like, oh, do you not get germs?
Speaker 5: I guess you don't, Yes, right.
Speaker 6: I wish I could feel so free. So that's my
Speaker 6: only like, oh, it's contamination, that's my only contamination OCD thing.
Speaker 6: But what I do or my OCD sort of manifests
Speaker 6: in hypervigilance, which is exhausting, right to think all the
Speaker 6: time that I need to be prepared in case someone
Speaker 6: hits me. I have never been struck by a stranger
Speaker 6: in public. I don't know where this fucking fear fucking
Speaker 6: came from. I think being inside all the time I
Speaker 6: was just like everybody out there is terrifying. And my
Speaker 6: psychiatrist is like, yeah, I think a lot of this
Speaker 6: stuff was dormant or pretty far under the surface. And
Speaker 6: then being alone with your own thoughts for two years
Speaker 6: fucked you up. And I ruminate a lot where I
Speaker 6: just can't let go of a faux pas I've made,
Speaker 6: or even better worse is if I think I did
Speaker 6: something but don't have confirmation. Like if you got up
Speaker 6: and left right now and just ended the zoom, I
Speaker 6: would never stop thinking about what I could have possibly
Speaker 6: done to make you mad. Now you probably.
Speaker 7: Just or.
Speaker 5: Walkout.
Speaker 1: Is really funny because that would be something you must
Speaker 1: have done, like silent, what would.
Speaker 5: Require me to leave my own recording just like.
Speaker 6: Fuck this bye, I made a mistake. I would never
Speaker 6: stop thinking about it. So it's that kind of fixation
Speaker 6: on either what I've done wrong or what I could
Speaker 6: do wrong, or a way I could embarrass myself. I
Speaker 6: spend a lot of time just thinking over and over
Speaker 6: and over about ways I might embarrass myself in a
Speaker 6: failing effort, because you can't talk yourself out of being
Speaker 6: humiliating to not commit that error. So I just you know,
Speaker 6: if I have an event, I'm like, oh my god, Okay,
Speaker 6: don't fall off the stage, know who you're talking to,
Speaker 6: don't look at anyone directly and make them feel weird,
Speaker 6: you know what I mean. It's like that kind of
Speaker 6: thing for weeks. Then the event happens and I do
Speaker 6: all that shit any way and like feel super crazy
Speaker 6: about it. Long story long, I'm on three hundred milligrams
Speaker 6: of zola.
Speaker 5: And does that help?
Speaker 6: I think so it doesn't. I had an appointment with
Speaker 6: my psychiatrist yesterday where I was like, she was like,
Speaker 6: how are you doing on the meds? And I was like,
Speaker 6: you know, I take them, but I still have like thoughts.
Speaker 6: She's just like, that's not a problem. And I was like,
Speaker 6: but honestly, I would love it if the medication could
Speaker 6: wipe some of the thinking out. And she's like, I'm
Speaker 6: not going to prescribe anything to you that does that.
Speaker 5: And I was like, well, well, Samantha, you came to
Speaker 5: the right place.
Speaker 6: I was like, I'm just going to keep smoking tons
Speaker 6: of weed then, and she's like, well, fine, whatever, just
Speaker 6: take your pills.
Speaker 5: Yeah, as long as you can mix the two. It's
Speaker 5: when you can't.
Speaker 1: I mean usually that those types of meds are they
Speaker 1: don't go well with alcohol, so weat is good for
Speaker 1: that for.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I can't drink, so now I just have a
Speaker 6: million edibles on me at all times.
Speaker 5: So now talk to me about being a step mother.
Speaker 1: What is how is that working for you and what
Speaker 1: do you think you're I'd like to hear what you
Speaker 1: think your strongest asset in that department is.
Speaker 6: Don't make me lie on your podcast. I don't have
Speaker 6: any good.
Speaker 5: Yeah some parents, I of course, yeah say it.
Speaker 6: No, I'm pretty good at it. Okay. So the kids
Speaker 6: are now fifteen and seventeen. They were five and seven
Speaker 6: when I met them ten years it's so first of all,
Speaker 6: let no one ever talks about how like watching a
Speaker 6: child grow up ages you, Like, I don't feel old
Speaker 6: until I think about knowing them in kindergarten and like
Speaker 6: now the one is like driving a car and has
Speaker 6: a job, and I'm like, what the fuck? How have
Speaker 6: ten years gone by? I do what I call like
Speaker 6: adjacent parenting, which they have a mom and a dad.
Speaker 6: So those people are gonna do the vaccines and you know,
Speaker 6: set the broken arms, do the soccer signups. I don't
Speaker 6: have to do any of that shit. I just get
Speaker 6: to do the cool shit, which is talk to them.
Speaker 6: They both tell me everything about you know, who broke
Speaker 6: up with who, and who we're kicking out of the
Speaker 6: friend group and who posted what on snapchat. I live
Speaker 6: for that. But you have to play it cool because
Speaker 6: if you look too excited, though, stop telling you, Stop
Speaker 6: telling you.
Speaker 1: I always look away when there's a question I'm asking
Speaker 1: of one of my nieces or nephews. Where I need
Speaker 1: the answer, I always look like, no, I'm not that
Speaker 1: interested in the answer.
Speaker 5: That usually brings them in.
Speaker 6: That is the key to my step parenting is I
Speaker 6: act like I have an interesting life, which I do,
Speaker 6: and I tell them that my life is more interesting
Speaker 6: than theirs. Like the thing about kids is for their parents.
Speaker 6: I'll never forget this. One time when they were very little,
Speaker 6: the older one came to me and was like, Hey,
Speaker 6: do you want to watch me play? And I was
Speaker 6: like no, I could watch TV, Like what sit and
Speaker 6: watch you play? I was like does your mom do that?
Speaker 6: And he's like yeah sometimes, And I was like, well,
Speaker 6: go find her. I'm doing something. And I think, why
Speaker 6: you let kids know that they're not the center of
Speaker 6: your universe. They give you automatic respect that automatically elevates
Speaker 6: you to being a little bit cooler than they might
Speaker 6: have thought you were. So I just act like everything
Speaker 6: I do is interesting and I don't look up from
Speaker 6: my phone, you know, I just play it so cool.
Speaker 6: And then like I'll hear them tell their friends when
Speaker 6: they come over, like, oh yeah, it's okay, we can
Speaker 6: hang out here. My stepmom's cool. And like, I'm not
Speaker 6: that cool. I just am good.
Speaker 5: At ignoring being elusive.
Speaker 6: It's like you know the old dating books that were
Speaker 6: like don't call them for three days. We do that
Speaker 6: with these kids.
Speaker 1: Yeah, totally too available is not what they're interested in.
Speaker 6: You look needy. You look needy. Mom at the dinner
Speaker 6: table is like, how is school today, and they're like,
Speaker 6: we didn't go to school. But then later when they're like, hey,
Speaker 6: want to hear what happened in science and I'm like no,
Speaker 6: they automatically start telling me, and then I'm.
Speaker 1: Like yes, So do you have one of your works
Speaker 1: that you're most proud of?
Speaker 6: Probably see there are some things in the New One
Speaker 6: that I am proud to have in the world, mostly because,
Speaker 6: like I wrote about my fail pilot, like trying to
Speaker 6: make a TV show on my first book, and that
Speaker 6: felt good to have in the world. So no one
Speaker 6: will ask me about it again. You know, like people
Speaker 6: see anything with TV and they're so excited because like
Speaker 6: people fucking hate reading books, and so they're like, oh,
Speaker 6: who whoa, whoa, whoa fuck your books. You're doing something
Speaker 6: on television can't wait to watch And I'm like, well,
Speaker 6: you could read it now and they're like, fuck that
Speaker 6: can't wait to watch the show and there's gonna be
Speaker 6: no show, so now they know, but I think maybe wow, No,
Speaker 6: thank you is my proudest because it was the first
Speaker 6: book of like my new boring Michigan housewife life and
Speaker 6: it actually turned out well and it performed well, and
Speaker 6: that made me, you know, not that like before I
Speaker 6: was like cos playing as Carrie Bradshaw, like I had
Speaker 6: some big, exciting life, but I was fucking more than
Speaker 6: one person and going to shit in a big city.
Speaker 6: And then I changed my life to live with a woman.
Speaker 6: I don't have to fuck that often, which is great
Speaker 6: because we're old and doing less. And I thought like, oh,
Speaker 6: is do people want this? Or is this interesting? Well?
Speaker 6: I have enough to put in a book and it worked,
Speaker 6: which was a surprise to me. So that's maybe my
Speaker 6: favorite child.
Speaker 5: It's nice to have a favorite.
Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, the one because I'm never going to be
Speaker 6: the peron because you know how people are, They're like, oh,
Speaker 6: you wrote a bunch of books, which one should I read?
Speaker 6: And I'm never going to be the person who's like
Speaker 6: get all of them? Like, no, get the green one.
Speaker 1: That's what what do you think about the lack of
Speaker 1: reading in this world. It's so upsetting to me. It
Speaker 1: makes me read even more. Actually, because I have revenge reading,
Speaker 1: I have to, like, you know, make up for I mean,
Speaker 1: I read like four books at a time. I like
Speaker 1: to go at it from like all different avenues. And
Speaker 1: I like nonfiction, I like autobiographical, I like historical, and
Speaker 1: I like fiction. So I like to mix it all
Speaker 1: together because I got to tell you, the more you read,
Speaker 1: the more clarity you have, and the fucking sharper you are.
Speaker 1: And I don't know why people can't just put the
Speaker 1: fucking phone down.
Speaker 6: I know, I know reading is the reason I can write,
Speaker 6: right because I didn't get any formal writing training, but
Speaker 6: as a kid, I was a voracious reader. I continued,
Speaker 6: I still just I'm reading like three different books right now.
Speaker 5: What are you reading right now?
Speaker 6: Right now? I'm reading this book that's about to come
Speaker 6: out called mave Fly. It's by a woman, horror by women.
Speaker 6: It's my thing. I'm also reading this book called mother Thing.
Speaker 6: I mostly read fiction. I can't read a lot of
Speaker 6: essays because I feel like I start to imitate people's
Speaker 6: voices and style, and I don't ever want anyone to
Speaker 6: be like, m this bitch just trying to be me.
Speaker 6: But horror is a big one for me because it's
Speaker 6: so different from what I do and my brain I
Speaker 6: do not see jump scares coming. I never figure out
Speaker 6: who the killer is, so I'm like, put more of
Speaker 6: those in my hand. The people not reading thing is
Speaker 6: so distressing to me, not even as a writer, because like,
Speaker 6: mostly I just care that people buy it. If they
Speaker 6: don't read what's inside, what am I gonna do? Just
Speaker 6: give me that sweet seventeen dollars, But it is I
Speaker 6: feel like when like you never hear people talking about
Speaker 6: books they've read, which is so depressing because that's one
Speaker 6: of the great things about a book, is hearing like
Speaker 6: what someone else.
Speaker 1: Thought about exactly exactly, and even when you read a book,
Speaker 1: Like I read a.
Speaker 5: Book and then I'm basically telling all my friends about
Speaker 5: a book I'm reading.
Speaker 1: And I'm the only one talking about the book. It's
Speaker 1: kind of and then you sound annoying. People are like,
Speaker 1: we're not interested. I'm like, yeah, I guess not.
Speaker 6: I hate that. Well, we will exchange. I'll tell you
Speaker 6: what I'm reading, you tell you what you're reading, and
Speaker 6: will be the few people who read. But I don't
Speaker 6: know if I mean, I know it's the phones, but
Speaker 6: I feel like my own grandfather saying it's the phones.
Speaker 6: But it's the phone, Why can't I mean, there's nothing
Speaker 6: on my phone worth like boiling my eyeballs over. That's
Speaker 6: like better than just taking a book and reading it.
Speaker 6: And I think I have a really good imagination and
Speaker 6: I love to be transported. I think that's another reason
Speaker 6: for writing or for reading so much fiction. It just
Speaker 6: makes me sad because like books are everywhere there. You
Speaker 6: can get a book wherever, and it really is just
Speaker 6: not to sound too cheesy, but a passport to another
Speaker 6: place for however long you're in it.
Speaker 1: And I feel and you feel so much better after
Speaker 1: you read something, or complete a book, or even read
Speaker 1: a few chapters. You feel so much better when you
Speaker 1: allot yourself that time than you do when you get
Speaker 1: done looking at your phone. So like, I know, the
Speaker 1: phone is unavoidable because we live in that kind of society,
Speaker 1: but it is. You can put your phone away for
Speaker 1: an hour a day, two hours a day and read
Speaker 1: a book, and the way that fills you up is
Speaker 1: really indescribable. And I have a hard time getting it
Speaker 1: across because I think only other people who read books
Speaker 1: know that there's a peaceful meditativeness that comes with leaping
Speaker 1: into another world that you wouldn't ever have dreamt up
Speaker 1: on your own.
Speaker 6: Most likely, Yes, yes, I read a couple months ago
Speaker 6: when everyone else posted pictures of it on the Internet.
Speaker 6: You never know who's actually reading the books they post.
Speaker 6: But I read Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow, which is
Speaker 6: that Gabrielle Zevin book about two video game designers and
Speaker 6: their lifelong friendship. I am not interested in video games.
Speaker 6: I didn't grow up in Los Angeles. I hate having friends, honestly,
Speaker 6: I hate knowing people.
Speaker 5: It's so freeing to say that, oh.
Speaker 6: It's really the best. But like you read that, you're
Speaker 6: taken into this world like they're at MIT. I couldn't
Speaker 6: be a janitor at MIT, right, Like it just puts
Speaker 6: you in a place you're never gonna be, and you
Speaker 6: can like plung into someone else's experience. I wonder too,
Speaker 6: if a lack of curiosity and a lack of empathy
Speaker 6: are other reasons people don't read. Because I want to
Speaker 6: know my you know, all of our lives are so
Speaker 6: small in the greater context. It's just me living my
Speaker 6: little life over here. If I can experience someone else's
Speaker 6: life by just picking up a book, I'm going to
Speaker 6: do that. And I feel like there are more people
Speaker 6: than not who don't have that curiosity, who don't want
Speaker 6: to learn about other people who don't. And I read
Speaker 6: things too that I'm trying to find community with this person,
Speaker 6: you know, I feel like this is someone I could know,
Speaker 6: or this person's story. I was never homeless in this way.
Speaker 6: I don't know where Appalachia is. I'm going to read
Speaker 6: about this homeless Appalachian. But I feel like the people
Speaker 6: who do that are few and far between, not to
Speaker 6: make us all exceptional, even though we are.
Speaker 5: There is a lack of curiosity.
Speaker 6: No one cares about any anything but themselves.
Speaker 1: Yeah, very self absorbed society, and I'm very I wonder
Speaker 1: if the lack of curiosity came before social media or
Speaker 1: as a result of social media.
Speaker 5: I guess both.
Speaker 1: I guess because you get drawn into something it's so
Speaker 1: mindless and thoughtless, right, and then you get to live
Speaker 1: a life through someone else's leans. Instead of being in
Speaker 1: charge of what you're going to be putting in your brain,
Speaker 1: you're looking at other people what they're doing, and then
Speaker 1: that creates a whole list of ickiness too. I mean,
Speaker 1: it just doesn't ever feel good to spend hours on
Speaker 1: your phone at a time, like it's so hiky. So
Speaker 1: I'm glad we're on the same page on that. We're
Speaker 1: gonna have to take a quick break and we're gonna
Speaker 1: come back. Okay, Okay, are you stable?
Speaker 6: Okay, okay, yes, we're back.
Speaker 3: We're back. We're back.
Speaker 1: That's my new favorite term to describe someone that I
Speaker 1: won't hang out with is they're unstable. That's what I
Speaker 1: say now to my friends. I go, I don't find
Speaker 1: them stable, and my friends are like, what does that mean?
Speaker 1: I go, just not stable enough for me to hang
Speaker 1: out with. I don't want a hot mess I'm not
Speaker 1: in the mood for that. I'm there if there's an emergency,
Speaker 1: but I don't need hot messness dot com as a
Speaker 1: through line.
Speaker 6: Right, We're past it, no hot messiness.
Speaker 5: I've outgrown it.
Speaker 6: Uh Uh, it's like it's Tuesday. I don't need any bullshit.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I saw this woman yesterday who I kind of know,
Speaker 1: not really, but you know, no, because we're both public people,
Speaker 1: and she came up to me.
Speaker 5: She's like, I've got to talk to you. I'm just
Speaker 5: going through it. I'm going through it.
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh god, you know. And I was interested
Speaker 1: in the beginning, and then as she went on and
Speaker 1: on and on and on and on, I was like,
Speaker 1: Oh no, this isn't something that's happening to you now.
Speaker 1: This is something that's been happening to you for a
Speaker 1: long time, and like you need help beyond anything I
Speaker 1: can say to you, Like she said, no, this person,
Speaker 1: this person, and she's blaming everything and everybody, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: you need a therapist.
Speaker 5: It's not everybody's fault that you're in this situation. It's
Speaker 5: your fault.
Speaker 1: But of course, you know, people sometimes come up to
Speaker 1: me and ask me these questions, and I always am
Speaker 1: like at the outset, I'm like, oh yeah, let me.
Speaker 1: And then once you hear the story, you're like, oh no, no,
Speaker 1: you're you have a situation and I don't want any
Speaker 1: part of it.
Speaker 5: Please leave me alone.
Speaker 6: I'm gonna seal that Oh no, no, no, you have
Speaker 6: a situation.
Speaker 1: Sounds like you're in a pick You're gonna need to
Speaker 1: take that pickle and find out where to put it.
Speaker 6: Not me, Yes, Yeah, no free therapy, especially not on
Speaker 6: the street when you weren't expecting it.
Speaker 1: I don't mind that, honestly, if somebody, if I can
Speaker 1: help somebody, I'm not like that.
Speaker 5: I don't care.
Speaker 1: If I'm not if I'm not in the mood off icking,
Speaker 1: tell them like Rondez pal like, don't come.
Speaker 6: Up to me.
Speaker 5: But if I am, I'm totally down.
Speaker 1: I always want to help somebody or leave somebody with
Speaker 1: a little pep in their step if I can. I mean,
Speaker 1: it doesn't happen that often. It's not like I'm going
Speaker 1: to the airport or late in the field questions.
Speaker 3: I just forced her to come here once a week
Speaker 3: and do it on.
Speaker 1: Sometimes five times a week. Yeah, we've been working a
Speaker 1: lot lately.
Speaker 4: Well, let's jump right to a caller first. Our first
Speaker 4: color is Drew. He is twenty six and I know, Sam,
Speaker 4: you have some wisdom about being in your twenties. Try
Speaker 4: to sleep through it, Dear Chelsea Catherine an esteemed podcast team.
Speaker 4: I'm a twenty six year old gay male struggling to
Speaker 4: put it all together. I come from a shitty childhood
Speaker 4: full of alcoholism, affairs, divorce, abandonment, and estrangement. My views
Speaker 4: on love and relationships I feel will forever be distorted.
Speaker 4: I feel like relationships are only good for the two
Speaker 4: people in the relationship, and everyone else gets hurt around them.
Speaker 4: See how crazy that is. My father picked his side
Speaker 4: piece and left. My mother picked a boyfriend and cut
Speaker 4: us off. My friends are now starting to pick their
Speaker 4: partners and disappearing off into the domesticated abyss. I just
Speaker 4: don't get it all. I take medication for anxiety and
Speaker 4: depression and have worked with a therapist for the last
Speaker 4: two years. I find happiness and joy in my thriving career,
Speaker 4: good times with friends, but that seems to be all.
Speaker 4: I struggle with dating on one hand, thank God, On
Speaker 4: the other, it sucks. This idea of the fairy tale
Speaker 4: romance makes me gag because I've seen the ugly side
Speaker 4: of it all. It's just not real. I hate that
Speaker 4: I'm this way, and truly would love for Prince Charming
Speaker 4: to come scoop me up and fix all my problems.
Speaker 4: But again, I know that's not real. I yearn for
Speaker 4: my thirties and hopes that it will all make more sense.
Speaker 4: My twenties have been brutal, but so were my tens.
Speaker 5: Lol.
Speaker 4: What would you say to your twenty six year old self?
Speaker 4: And when does it start to get better?
Speaker 3: XO Drew?
Speaker 2: Hi Drew, Hi, Hi ho hard.
Speaker 5: Look how you lit up right away? I was like, oh,
Speaker 5: you're so cute, Hi Drew.
Speaker 1: This is our special guest, Samantha Irvey Fame Hi Drew, Yes.
Speaker 7: Hi Smith Irby, how are you, babe.
Speaker 1: Good famed writer and anti socialist?
Speaker 8: Fuck yes?
Speaker 5: True?
Speaker 1: Okay, you have a very bad attitude, my friend, and
Speaker 1: a very victim.
Speaker 7: I do, I do?
Speaker 1: You're playing a victim so quickly. I'm going to jump
Speaker 1: in for Samantha. The patterns of behavior that were created
Speaker 1: as a child, your mother, your dad leaving, it's very
Speaker 1: obvious that that's the imprint. So you think when someone's
Speaker 1: in a relationship they leave you. You're adult friends, You're
Speaker 1: an adult now.
Speaker 5: You're not a little kid anymore.
Speaker 1: So like your adult friends when they're getting married, the
Speaker 1: relationship isn't over. You can actively pursue to be friends
Speaker 1: with a couple when they're married, even when they have children,
Speaker 1: if you so desire. But these people are not abandoning
Speaker 1: you when people get married, and so you have to
Speaker 1: really do some work on yourself to get yourself out
Speaker 1: of life, like make a shift mentally and emotionally to
Speaker 1: understand that that happens to you as a little kid,
Speaker 1: but now as an adult, you have the power to
Speaker 1: remain in these friendships and relationships, and relationships don't represent
Speaker 1: that they're only good for two people. That's your attitude.
Speaker 1: You got to have a great attitude. Relationships are beautiful,
Speaker 1: you know, there's maybe not a fairy tale ending for
Speaker 1: every single person, but there's a lot of love to
Speaker 1: be found. And to lower your expectations so that you're
Speaker 1: not looking for the most perfect thing to come at.
Speaker 5: You, you know. But moreover, like do you see a therapist?
Speaker 7: Yeah? Yeah, I have for the last two years.
Speaker 8: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Well you want to dig in deep to this, right,
Speaker 1: I mean sure that you've started, right, what have you
Speaker 1: learned so far about placing those kind of childhood expectations
Speaker 1: on your adult self?
Speaker 7: Right now? We're really working on like un learning a
Speaker 7: lot of behaviors. I'm learning a lot of patterns. I'm
Speaker 7: kind of going through like a situation right now with
Speaker 7: a friend where like they have just fallen in love
Speaker 7: with someone and just really kind of regressed and I've
Speaker 7: you know, been very intentional about like letting that happen
Speaker 7: and keeping the peace and trying to be just as
Speaker 7: positive and supportive as possible, because I have been burned
Speaker 7: in the past, and I do know that there is
Speaker 7: a pattern of history here and there is a repeating
Speaker 7: rhythm and that does need to change. So I'm yeah,
Speaker 7: we're we're working pretty she's my best seet. We're working
Speaker 7: pretty hard. Right.
Speaker 1: That's awesome, that's awesome, You're already working on it. It's
Speaker 1: just a matter of it, like taking hold in your
Speaker 1: life and to start to be joyful for people instead
Speaker 1: of feeling like something's being taken away. Because when you
Speaker 1: can appreciate the stuff that you do have in your life,
Speaker 1: there's a sense of abundance. And this is like spiritual talk,
Speaker 1: but it's fucking true, Like I live it, and I
Speaker 1: have so many friends that live it. When you start
Speaker 1: to appreciate the things you have, more things start to
Speaker 1: show up. When you're bemoaning what you don't have, the
Speaker 1: things you have slip away. So you always want to
Speaker 1: be like you want to get up every morning and
Speaker 1: whether it's saying mantras into the fucking mirror and to
Speaker 1: writing down I'm happy, and I want to spread love
Speaker 1: and joy and you say that into the mirror twenty
Speaker 1: times a day, or if you want to meditate or
Speaker 1: do a guided meditation, get yourself up on the right
Speaker 1: foot every fucking morning so that you are starting off
Speaker 1: in like a positive path and that you're going to
Speaker 1: light up people around you. That's your goal, you know,
Speaker 1: and eventually that won't seem annoying, it will seem natural.
Speaker 1: You have to trick yourself into getting into a more
Speaker 1: positive Headspace's absolutely, Samantha.
Speaker 6: What would you like to say, Well, I'm going to
Speaker 6: take all of your advice because that was really good
Speaker 6: getting up and saying a mantra. It was a word.
Speaker 6: But I am going to say if you fail at
Speaker 6: what Chelsea said, which I often do, you could lean
Speaker 6: into just being a hater with a good career, right,
Speaker 6: like you said, you like your job, right, you can
Speaker 6: just be like fuck, friends, I just I'm great at
Speaker 6: my career. Look at me making money. I'm doing what
Speaker 6: I want. Yeah, I don't have to buy wedding gifts
Speaker 6: for a bitch I don't talk to anymore.
Speaker 7: So then you're off the hooksguage girl.
Speaker 6: No, but you have to try Chelsea's way first by
Speaker 6: the mantra.
Speaker 5: Do you like her advice more than that? No, that's
Speaker 5: what's great about being a person. You can.
Speaker 6: I'm going to try it too, because I want to
Speaker 6: spread love and joy. I like that's my the thing.
Speaker 6: I love making people laugh. But there is a something
Speaker 6: rotten deep inside get rid of and in case that
Speaker 6: happens to you, you can just become the rot and
Speaker 6: just like a right.
Speaker 1: You know, our rotten sides are just our shadow selves.
Speaker 1: Everyone has a rotten side. You're not the only people
Speaker 1: with it.
Speaker 5: I've got it. You've got it. Where we have those mean.
Speaker 1: Thoughts or we have you know, where we're not happy
Speaker 1: for others, or we wish something bad would happen to
Speaker 1: somebody to put them in their place. That's natural, but
Speaker 1: it depends do you want to ride that or do
Speaker 1: you want to ride the positivity and be on the
Speaker 1: flip side of that, because that's going to yield much
Speaker 1: better results.
Speaker 5: I hate everyone too.
Speaker 1: But I work very hard to not hate everybody so much,
Speaker 1: because nobody deserves to be here, you know what I mean?
Speaker 7: Yeah? Yeah, And like that's fore I'm kind of at
Speaker 7: this place where, like I think and I'm twenty six, right,
Speaker 7: so I'm still a very baby adult. But like if
Speaker 7: you have asked me twenty one, that whole like cutthroat
Speaker 7: career girl who's out for only hers like that was
Speaker 7: very I identified a lot with that. I really leaned
Speaker 7: into that. I was like, well, obviously this is how
Speaker 7: my this is the path for me right here. And
Speaker 7: as I like get older, I just kind of like, damn,
Speaker 7: so yeah, I mean, obviously I'm aware that that is
Speaker 7: not who I want to be, right and I think
Speaker 7: making the steps that kind of reverse that is where
Speaker 7: I need to be focusing.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And also, you can have your days where you
Speaker 1: don't want to deal with people, or a week if
Speaker 1: you don't.
Speaker 5: I mean, listen, I do it all the time.
Speaker 1: I'm a recluse when I'm on tour and I come home,
Speaker 1: I can't be bothered or to socialize. Everyone's annoying me
Speaker 1: that kind of thing, right, But there's a time and
Speaker 1: a place for that. And then when you're putting yourself
Speaker 1: out into the world, you know, there's nothing negative that's
Speaker 1: going to come from being positive and kind of you know,
Speaker 1: and it becomes infectious. Also, it's like a contagion and
Speaker 1: so it's don't think about it as yourself, think about
Speaker 1: it as like spreading good vibes around because the world is, like,
Speaker 1: you know, a difficult and ugly place for a lot
Speaker 1: of people people, so you're not alone and having those
Speaker 1: dark thoughts.
Speaker 5: That's that's part of who we all are.
Speaker 4: Yeah, one thing that's helped me as sort of a
Speaker 4: stepping stone on that way, Like you might not be
Speaker 4: able to go from like having this messy experience of
Speaker 4: like seeing your parents be super chaotic to like, I believe.
Speaker 3: In love and Prince Charming is out there.
Speaker 4: But a nice stepping stone for me was learning to
Speaker 4: be curious and saying, what if that person is out
Speaker 4: there who will like me for me and treat me
Speaker 4: really well? What if that is out there for me,
Speaker 4: for my friends, and just sort of asking yourself when
Speaker 4: you have those cynical thoughts of like it doesn't exist,
Speaker 4: it's not real, what if it is?
Speaker 3: Like what if it could be?
Speaker 6: Right?
Speaker 7: And I'm really trying to focus on unlearning the idea
Speaker 7: in my head that like to need someone, to want someone,
Speaker 7: to yearn someone is a weakness because that's very much like, yeah,
Speaker 7: and I really need to you know, get the reverse
Speaker 7: button on that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, well you know what you need to do, so
Speaker 1: I think you're on your way. Best of luck to you.
Speaker 1: Thanks for calling ineous afternoon. I hope he gets out
Speaker 1: of that fucking office that he was sitting in and
Speaker 1: that looked like diarrhea or the mom that Samantha stepped
Speaker 1: in a bunch of times, which is she's never returned
Speaker 1: to New York City since then.
Speaker 3: I wouldn't either.
Speaker 4: Our next caller is Fredo. Dear Chelsea. My name is
Speaker 4: Fredo and I'm a forty three year old polyamorous gay
Speaker 4: man from Puerto Rico currently living in Pennsylvania with my
Speaker 4: now husband. We've been together for seven years and have
Speaker 4: been married for four months. We were also in a
Speaker 4: very loving and committed threatble for close to two years. Sadly,
Speaker 4: our third wasn't ready to receive all the love, attention
Speaker 4: and responsibility and ended the threat ball nine months ago.
Speaker 4: We were devastated. The love we both developed for this
Speaker 4: man was very powerful and it still is. We're still recuperating.
Speaker 4: At the same time, I wouldn't change the time we
Speaker 4: shared together. I'm currently in therapy and I started meditating
Speaker 4: in the mornings even hopping on treadmill at four thirty am.
Speaker 4: I studied literature in college, so as part of my
Speaker 4: self discovery, I decided to write about our love story.
Speaker 4: So many good moments, many intents, and some very sad.
Speaker 4: The problem lies in the fact that I'm a very
Speaker 4: emotional guy, so recounting events can be tricky for me.
Speaker 4: I don't deny that after a writing session it takes
Speaker 4: a bit of time for all the feelings to settle
Speaker 4: back again. Maybe too long. Since I've started writing, I
Speaker 4: haven't felt the support from my husband about this new
Speaker 4: creative work. He doesn't take it seriously. As a writer yourself,
Speaker 4: what is your take on this situation. I want to
Speaker 4: keep writing and get my story out, but at the
Speaker 4: same time I want to be present and happy for
Speaker 4: my husband and not let the feelings take over to
Speaker 4: the point that it affects him. Thank you, Love you, Attasha.
Speaker 4: Is a picture of me and my husband and he's
Speaker 4: here with us as well.
Speaker 1: Hi, Well, Fredo, Fredo, Fredo, we're calling you Fredo. That's
Speaker 1: quite a mouthful, will Fredo. No, wonder you want people
Speaker 1: to call you Fredo?
Speaker 8: Yes? How you doing?
Speaker 5: Hi?
Speaker 1: Our special guest is Samantha Irby, So you're in line.
Speaker 6: Hello, Hello, Okay, can I say something As a person
Speaker 6: who writes about herself and has written four books that
Speaker 6: involve other people a couple of things. They make a
Speaker 6: lawyer read my manuscript before they published it, And every
Speaker 6: time the lawyer says, you own everything that's happened to you,
Speaker 6: but you don't own everything that's happened to other people,
Speaker 6: and you have to get their consent, or at least
Speaker 6: make sure they're not going to sue you for writing
Speaker 6: about them. So that's my first piece of advice, and
Speaker 6: number two is about the emotions of it all. If
Speaker 6: it's that upsetting to write about, you should wait until
Speaker 6: it's not upsetting. Because when you put work out into
Speaker 6: the world, I don't put any think in a book
Speaker 6: that I wouldn't be okay with being on the news
Speaker 6: because once your work is out there, people are just
Speaker 6: gonna talk to you about it all the time, and
Speaker 6: you can't break down. You can't have a breakdown every
Speaker 6: time someone wants to talk to you. So if maybe
Speaker 6: that's a sign that you're not quite ready to be
Speaker 6: putting this to paper makes sense.
Speaker 9: Actually, my my therapist suggested something like that too.
Speaker 1: Oh well, look at that, Samantha Irby with a clutch advice.
Speaker 5: Look at that very.
Speaker 6: I'm gonna go to therapy school, thank you, Fred.
Speaker 1: Or you could just start a podcast. That sounds pretty
Speaker 1: fucking right on. I have to say, I mean, truer
Speaker 1: words have never been spoken well. And of course, listen,
Speaker 1: if you do want to write about somebody that doesn't
Speaker 1: want to be written about, there are ways around that too.
Speaker 5: You can fiction live that character as.
Speaker 1: All editors names, change names so that they're not recognizable,
Speaker 1: change their jobs, locations, blah blah blah, all of that.
Speaker 1: But I do feel like you're doing a bit of
Speaker 1: journaling right now, more so than writing right That's what
Speaker 1: it feels like like you're It's a bit cathartic for you.
Speaker 8: Yeah, yeah, at this moment.
Speaker 9: It's actually taking shape at this moment, so it was
Speaker 9: a little all over the place. It's kind of growing
Speaker 9: and getting into turning into something more concrete, and I
Speaker 9: really want to put it out there.
Speaker 8: I have to say that the experience of being in
Speaker 8: a THROPO.
Speaker 9: For me, I have never been in that type of relationship,
Speaker 9: and it really changed a lot of the perspective of
Speaker 9: how we see things. It's so intense, you know, for
Speaker 9: the good parts and the bad ones too.
Speaker 8: There's you know, three set of minds together. And I
Speaker 8: have to say that I wouldn't go.
Speaker 9: Back after that part of the heart is kind of
Speaker 9: open up to another person. I really cannot. And it's
Speaker 9: not not to say that I don't love my husband
Speaker 9: like with all my life. He's incredible, but that space,
Speaker 9: it's there. So it's been already ten months, and it's
Speaker 9: just difficult for me to sit down and write because
Speaker 9: I know that he gets a little quiet, and after
Speaker 9: I write it for a bit, then I get a
Speaker 9: little quiet because a bunch of feelings come up. And
Speaker 9: also I also have ADHD, so I'm a little scatterbrained.
Speaker 9: So I would like to ask him some stuff, some
Speaker 9: details about what happened.
Speaker 8: And I don't know how to enter that.
Speaker 1: You know what, it has been ten months, but your
Speaker 1: emotions aren't wrapped up yet, right, You still.
Speaker 5: Have lingering feelings.
Speaker 1: So maybe it would be time to just take a
Speaker 1: little break, like just to say I'm going to take
Speaker 1: a month off of us doing this because you are
Speaker 1: it's not like you're writing without infringing on his space
Speaker 1: as well, because you're asking him to help you write,
Speaker 1: so that's a little different. I think maybe you should
Speaker 1: take a month off and when you come back, try
Speaker 1: and do it on your own, and then you could
Speaker 1: set a time deep in the future that you go
Speaker 1: to him for the details that you're missing. You know,
Speaker 1: don't make him part of your writing routine, because that's
Speaker 1: not his desire, it's yours. So find a private area
Speaker 1: to do that in And if you can do that
Speaker 1: right away, then great. But if you can't, take some
Speaker 1: time off and just give yourself a break, because that
Speaker 1: sometimes when you're writing, I know, is a great reset.
Speaker 1: Sometimes you're writing and you're writing and it's like it's
Speaker 1: not right, this isn't working, this isn't making sense, this
Speaker 1: isn't the kind of language I want to be using,
Speaker 1: and you know, there's a reset time.
Speaker 8: Yeah, makes sense.
Speaker 9: My worry is that I would miss the intensity of
Speaker 9: the details that I have myself, that I would forget
Speaker 9: or you know, you.
Speaker 6: Can make notes, you could jot down notes, you could
Speaker 6: use your notes app to remember things like that's.
Speaker 4: What I do.
Speaker 6: I text myself if there's something I want to remember.
Speaker 6: I do want to ask because I think it might
Speaker 6: help you. Is it possible for you to write outside
Speaker 6: of your house? Can you take your laptop somewhere because
Speaker 6: if your tents and do you know whatever emotions are
Speaker 6: coming up for you, and then your partner is seething
Speaker 6: in another room while you have your computer out, and
Speaker 6: then you both have to decompress from that. If you
Speaker 6: could maybe remove like show him that you are caring
Speaker 6: for his feelings and remove yourself while you're writing, that
Speaker 6: might help too.
Speaker 8: Oh yeah, I do have the time, and I could
Speaker 8: go someplace else.
Speaker 9: But you know, sometimes just before bed, just randomly that
Speaker 9: I would, you know, have to want to write something.
Speaker 9: I put all my tablet and he already looks at
Speaker 9: me and said, are you sure you're want to write
Speaker 9: that right at this time of time at night?
Speaker 8: And I know, you know, I get it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I think just have a little bit more
Speaker 1: respect for doing it privately, right m m.
Speaker 7: Yeah?
Speaker 1: And you can jer to like, yeah, you can bombit
Speaker 1: out all your thoughts in the next three weeks and
Speaker 1: put them all and then take a break and be like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I got all the details down. They don't have to
Speaker 1: be in the perfect order or the perfect arrangement, you know,
Speaker 1: it's good to just kind of vomit your thoughts out
Speaker 1: when you're feeling this intensely about something, And.
Speaker 4: You might do some like physical reset stuff after you've
Speaker 4: been writing, before you interact with your husband, Like say
Speaker 4: it's during the day and he comes home from work.
Speaker 4: You know, you can go for a walk, you can
Speaker 4: take a shower, which will help reset your nervous system,
Speaker 4: do some breathing exercises. But like giving yourself ten minutes
Speaker 4: to just like put yourself in a different frame of
Speaker 4: mind before you have an interaction with him might be
Speaker 4: really helpful.
Speaker 9: Yeah, this podcast has been very, very helpful during this
Speaker 9: couple months.
Speaker 8: So I feel like I'm home.
Speaker 2: I love that.
Speaker 1: I love that, And thank you for calling in and
Speaker 1: sharing with us. Take some of what we said to heart,
Speaker 1: and you know, just change it up a little bit,
Speaker 1: and I think you'll get a different result and then
Speaker 1: your partner won't feel so depleted.
Speaker 8: Also, thank you, thank you so much.
Speaker 4: Thank you, Fraido.
Speaker 1: I well with Fredo was worth the way you girls?
Speaker 6: Yes, yeah, I love to.
Speaker 4: I know.
Speaker 6: I don't want him to fuck up his relationship though
Speaker 6: with the writing.
Speaker 5: Let's take a quick break. We'll be right back.
Speaker 6: We're back.
Speaker 1: Whenever I hear about threupples, I'm like, I don't know
Speaker 1: how people do it. It's just too much drama. There's
Speaker 1: enough drama in one and one relationship. I understand not
Speaker 1: staying with the same person your entire life, I get that,
Speaker 1: but having multiple people in and in relationships is just
Speaker 1: so unsettling. It gives me such an unsettling feeling like
Speaker 1: someone is always going to get their heart broken.
Speaker 6: So much work, yes, always, and there's one person who
Speaker 6: has an option to leave. Well, it seems like there's
Speaker 6: always one person who has an option to leave and
Speaker 6: the other two people have to stay. And it's like, yeah,
Speaker 6: how do you How do you relax when your third
Speaker 6: could just walk out it anytime. I suppose your main could,
Speaker 6: but still.
Speaker 1: But also the concept of comforting each other over the
Speaker 1: loss of another lover to me is like, wait, what.
Speaker 4: Is it?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Okay, anyway, Samantha Urbie, you're coming to my show in Detroit.
Speaker 1: We're going to dinner first, you and your lover come.
Speaker 1: We're gonna go to dinner. We're going to have had
Speaker 1: some conversation. I'm very looking forward to hanging out with you.
Speaker 5: I can't we finally fucking met my.
Speaker 6: Queen me too. You did a show with Megan Steelestra
Speaker 6: in Madison, and she's one of my closest friends. She
Speaker 6: reads all my stuff and I couldn't go to the show,
Speaker 6: but I felt like I was like, give Chelsea some
Speaker 6: of my love and energy. Hopefully she did. Maybe she
Speaker 6: kept it to herself. But you are everything.
Speaker 2: So I love you.
Speaker 6: You know that.
Speaker 5: Thank you so much. I love you.
Speaker 6: Thank you for having me. This was great. Bye, my gorgeouses.
Speaker 5: Fam.
Speaker 1: Okay, second shows have been added for those of you
Speaker 1: coming to see my new stand up tour, which.
Speaker 2: You have to come because I'm having the best time.
Speaker 1: We added a second show Insto Cincinnati, Los Angeles, which
Speaker 1: is actually October thirteenth. There are still tickets for October
Speaker 1: thirteenth show in Los Angeles. We added second shows in Chicago,
Speaker 1: the Chicago Theater, Portland, Oregon, San Francisco. They're both almost
Speaker 1: completely sold out, Detroit, Michigan, and then we added a
Speaker 1: second show in Cincinnati in the daytime at five o'clock PM.
Speaker 2: I'm doing my.
Speaker 1: First show because I don't have a night where I
Speaker 1: can go back, so we added a second show at
Speaker 1: five pm. And the original show is at eight PM.
Speaker 1: Original show is sold out. Second show tickets are available Cincinnati.
Speaker 1: I'm also coming to Cleveland on October twentieth, and then
Speaker 1: I'll be in Columbus October twenty first and Pittsburgh October
Speaker 1: twenty second. So those three shows I still have tickets available,
Speaker 1: And you can go to Chelsea Hamler dot com for
Speaker 1: other tickets and other information. And if you want to
Speaker 1: buy some of our merch, that's all available on Chelseahandler
Speaker 1: dot com.
Speaker 5: And yeah, guys, I'll see you on the road.
Speaker 4: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
Speaker 4: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be
Speaker 4: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
Speaker 4: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and
Speaker 4: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot
Speaker 4: com