1 00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:04,360 Speaker 1: Hi, Family Secrets. Family. The season is not remotely over. 2 00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:08,160 Speaker 1: But this week, this Christmas Day, I'm going to do 3 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: something a little different, a gift for you, and perhaps 4 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:16,159 Speaker 1: a gift for myself as well. Over six years and 5 00:00:16,239 --> 00:00:20,160 Speaker 1: now thirteen seasons of hosting this podcast, I've heard hundreds 6 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:23,040 Speaker 1: of stories of family secrets and the way what we 7 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:26,279 Speaker 1: don't know, what has been hidden from us, acts upon 8 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:30,320 Speaker 1: us none the less. Long before I discovered the secret 9 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:34,159 Speaker 1: that had shaped me, there were other secrets. As a child, 10 00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:38,519 Speaker 1: I simply felt them, hungry ghosts in the room. When 11 00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:40,920 Speaker 1: I grew up and became a writer, I began to 12 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,880 Speaker 1: write about these secrets, digging for them in my fiction 13 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:47,720 Speaker 1: and my nonfiction, trying to get to the essential why 14 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:51,680 Speaker 1: Why had I been born into such a legacy of secrecy. 15 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:56,600 Speaker 1: In nineteen ninety eight, I wrote a personal history piece 16 00:00:56,760 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 1: for the New Yorker magazine. I was terrified. It was 17 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,680 Speaker 1: a huge opportunity for a young writer, but that wasn't 18 00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:06,600 Speaker 1: the only reason it scared me. It scared me because 19 00:01:06,640 --> 00:01:09,120 Speaker 1: I was going to have to dig without knowing what 20 00:01:09,280 --> 00:01:12,200 Speaker 1: I would come up with, how complex and painful I 21 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:16,040 Speaker 1: might find it. I'm going to tell you that story, 22 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:21,080 Speaker 1: which is titled The Secret Wife. I may interrupt myself 23 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:24,360 Speaker 1: as I'm telling it, annotate it in a way, because 24 00:01:24,400 --> 00:01:27,160 Speaker 1: when I wrote this story about my father and what 25 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:31,000 Speaker 1: I thought was his most profound secret, of course, I 26 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:34,040 Speaker 1: did not yet know his biggest secret of all, which 27 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:38,000 Speaker 1: is that I was not his biological daughter. So let's 28 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:45,440 Speaker 1: go on this adventure together. Here's The Secret Wife. In 29 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:49,000 Speaker 1: nineteen fifty three, nine years before I was born, my 30 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:52,160 Speaker 1: father fell in love with a young woman named Darthy Gribbitz. 31 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:56,640 Speaker 1: She was a beautiful Orthodox Jewish girl who was at 32 00:01:56,640 --> 00:02:01,080 Speaker 1: twenty seven, startlingly old to still be single in the moneyed, 33 00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:06,280 Speaker 1: religious urban world of my father and his family. My 34 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:09,520 Speaker 1: father was fresh out of a miserable marriage, stinging from 35 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:12,360 Speaker 1: a custody battle for his six year old daughter, Susy. 36 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:16,680 Speaker 1: He married Darcy in the living room of her parents 37 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:22,440 Speaker 1: modest Brooklyn apartment on April eleventh, nineteen fifty four. She 38 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:26,600 Speaker 1: wore ivory satin and carried a bouquet of pale flowers 39 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:31,160 Speaker 1: streaming with ribbons. Her enormous blue green eyes were hidden 40 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:34,480 Speaker 1: beneath her veil, and a tiara rested on her dark 41 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:38,400 Speaker 1: wavy hair. My father was handsome in a morning suit 42 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:42,800 Speaker 1: and silk ascot. His best friend and best man, Danny Shackter, 43 00:02:43,040 --> 00:02:46,840 Speaker 1: stood behind him. The rabbi placed a glass wrapped in 44 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:49,880 Speaker 1: a cloth napkin on the floor, and my father raised 45 00:02:49,919 --> 00:02:53,079 Speaker 1: his foot to perform the ritual that ends every Jewish wedding. 46 00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:57,680 Speaker 1: He stamped hard and smashed the glass. The guests shouted 47 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:03,640 Speaker 1: mazeltov and applauded as he and Dorothy kissed. My father 48 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,360 Speaker 1: was beginning his marriage with a secret that only a 49 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:10,160 Speaker 1: few people shared. At the end of the evening, after 50 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 1: the dancing, cigars and toasts, when he and Dorothy ran 51 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,720 Speaker 1: laughing out of the building and into the brand new 52 00:03:16,919 --> 00:03:19,800 Speaker 1: oldmobile coup her father had given them as a wedding gift. 53 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:23,680 Speaker 1: Dorothy was bundled up in her sealskin coat and jaunty hat. 54 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:27,040 Speaker 1: A bit of black netting drifted over her pretty eyes. 55 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,160 Speaker 1: She looked the way any bride might, embarking on a 56 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:39,600 Speaker 1: life with plans and expectations. Dorothy was my father's second wife, 57 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:43,600 Speaker 1: my mother was his third. I was seventeen before I 58 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:48,080 Speaker 1: ever knew Dorothy had existed. My half sister Susy let 59 00:03:48,120 --> 00:03:51,400 Speaker 1: it slip one day once when Dad Dorothy and I 60 00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:55,280 Speaker 1: were upstate. She began and I interrupted her, Who's Dorothy. 61 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,240 Speaker 1: The few details I learned that day of this marriage 62 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:01,640 Speaker 1: of my father's, a marriage so painful he never spoke 63 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:04,240 Speaker 1: of it, were all I knew for a long time, 64 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:09,040 Speaker 1: But still it made deep emotional sense to me. My 65 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:12,200 Speaker 1: father had been missing for most of my childhood. He 66 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:16,800 Speaker 1: had retreated behind a wall of pills and prayer, occasionally 67 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,200 Speaker 1: playing ball with him in the back yard on a 68 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:22,200 Speaker 1: beautiful summer morning, I would catch a glimpse of the 69 00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:25,919 Speaker 1: young man he must once have been, a deep belly laugh, 70 00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:30,279 Speaker 1: a crushing hug, a sudden sparkle in his eyes, and 71 00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:32,080 Speaker 1: I would want to reach out and hold on to 72 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:35,280 Speaker 1: him and to make things better for him, without ever 73 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:40,680 Speaker 1: knowing what had gone wrong. In a photograph snapped seconds 74 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,760 Speaker 1: before I was married last year, I am standing next 75 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:46,960 Speaker 1: to my husband to be under a canopy draped with 76 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:51,760 Speaker 1: my late father's ivory and white striped talis. In front 77 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:55,320 Speaker 1: of us, a rabbi recites a blessing. My heart is racing. 78 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,919 Speaker 1: I know this isn't a case of premarital jitters. I 79 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,800 Speaker 1: have no second thoughts, no doubts about the man I'm 80 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:05,479 Speaker 1: about to marry. Before we leave for Paris, I call 81 00:05:05,520 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 1: my doctor and ask for a prescription for tranquilizers. I 82 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,400 Speaker 1: have never taken pills before. Pills make me think of 83 00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:16,520 Speaker 1: my father. He was addicted to valium, perkidin and emperin 84 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:20,360 Speaker 1: for most of his life. I have a childhood memory 85 00:05:20,360 --> 00:05:22,320 Speaker 1: of him sitting at the kitchen table in front of 86 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:26,320 Speaker 1: a lazy Susan filled with prescription bottles, checking his pulse, 87 00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:29,800 Speaker 1: two fingers pressed against the side of his neck, his 88 00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:34,880 Speaker 1: face contorted with fear. I spend my honeymoon certain that 89 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,960 Speaker 1: I'm about to die. I feel this not in an 90 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,599 Speaker 1: abstract intellectual way, but in my bones, and I take 91 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,440 Speaker 1: the first tranquilizer of my life in order to get 92 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:48,039 Speaker 1: on the plane home. I have been married three times, 93 00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:52,479 Speaker 1: once at nineteen, then at twenty eight, and now for 94 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:56,720 Speaker 1: the third time at thirty five. My first husband was 95 00:05:56,760 --> 00:06:00,479 Speaker 1: a shop owner, a boyish, free spirit, took off on 96 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:03,760 Speaker 1: buying trips for months at a time. I was a teenager, 97 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:08,560 Speaker 1: unprepared for marriage or solitude. I threw dinner parties, cooked 98 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:10,919 Speaker 1: the one dish I knew, and pretended to be a 99 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:14,679 Speaker 1: grown up. Less than a year after the wedding I left. 100 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:18,080 Speaker 1: I don't think either of us was surprised, but I 101 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:21,120 Speaker 1: was now a divorcee at twenty and ashamed of it. 102 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:25,440 Speaker 1: My second husband was an investment banker. He was exactly 103 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:28,480 Speaker 1: the man I'd been brought up to marry, Jewish stable, 104 00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:32,920 Speaker 1: financially secure, with a life planned down to the last millisecond. 105 00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,160 Speaker 1: I felt numb. I was giving up at the age 106 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,800 Speaker 1: of twenty eight. The marriages had just this in common. 107 00:06:41,279 --> 00:06:44,120 Speaker 1: They marked the only times in my life when I 108 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:50,040 Speaker 1: had been governed by severe, quippling anxiety. As soon as 109 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:52,080 Speaker 1: I met Michael, I knew I was going to spend 110 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,880 Speaker 1: the rest of my life with him. The insanity of 111 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:59,159 Speaker 1: those earlier alliances became even starker when, for the first 112 00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:02,599 Speaker 1: time I realized what love actually felt like. Yet the 113 00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:07,080 Speaker 1: panic persisted. Why did I equate being a wife with 114 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:12,840 Speaker 1: being destroyed? My father's first wedding to Susie's mother had 115 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:15,880 Speaker 1: been a gala, candlelit affair in the grand ball room 116 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:19,680 Speaker 1: of the Waldorf Astoria, marking the union of two powerful 117 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,840 Speaker 1: Orthodox clans. Elaine Brodie was from a textile and real 118 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:27,720 Speaker 1: estate dynasty whose properties included the Essex House and the 119 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:31,320 Speaker 1: Fifth Avenue hotel. Her great grandfather had been the chief 120 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:35,280 Speaker 1: Orthodox rabbi of New York. My father never even proposed 121 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:41,040 Speaker 1: to Elaine, his parents proposed to hers. After the wedding, 122 00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:44,640 Speaker 1: he began to work at his father's silk mill in Blackstone, Virginia, 123 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 1: and would travel there for two weeks of each month. 124 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:51,320 Speaker 1: My grandfather was a self made millionaire, and my father 125 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:55,760 Speaker 1: was firmly under his control. He didn't even receive a salary. 126 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,560 Speaker 1: Whatever he needed in the way of money he had 127 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:02,400 Speaker 1: to petition for. When Susy was a toddler. My father 128 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,760 Speaker 1: and Elaine moved into an apartment on Park Avenue, but 129 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:09,800 Speaker 1: Elaine never accepted the role of traditional Jewish wife. She 130 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:13,400 Speaker 1: had been a serious pianist before getting married and wanted 131 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,400 Speaker 1: to continue to perform and even perhaps pursue a doctorate. 132 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:20,440 Speaker 1: Nine years into their marriage, my father returned home from 133 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,040 Speaker 1: a trip to Blackstone to find the apartment empty. His 134 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:28,400 Speaker 1: wife and child were gone, the furniture was gone. Only 135 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:31,840 Speaker 1: his clothes remained, folded neatly on the top shelves of 136 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:37,240 Speaker 1: the closets. Divorce was unheard of in their circle, a 137 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:40,640 Speaker 1: rarefied community of Eastern European Jews who had brought their 138 00:08:40,679 --> 00:08:44,480 Speaker 1: old world values with them to America. Everyone knew something 139 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:47,160 Speaker 1: about it. Elaine had always been too ambitious for her 140 00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:50,600 Speaker 1: own good. People gossiped over ice cream sodas at shrafts 141 00:08:50,679 --> 00:08:53,520 Speaker 1: or lunches at the Tiptoe Inn on Broadway in eighty 142 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,240 Speaker 1: seventh Street. She had left my father without even a 143 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:58,480 Speaker 1: bed to sleep in, and then there was talk that 144 00:08:58,520 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: she had been having an affair with Susie's pediatrician. My 145 00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:05,560 Speaker 1: father first met Dorothy Gribbets at the Brunswick Hotel in Lakewood, 146 00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:08,960 Speaker 1: New Jersey. Since his separation, he'd been trying to meet 147 00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:12,720 Speaker 1: eligible Orthodox women, going to Kosher resorts like Grossinger's or 148 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:16,080 Speaker 1: the Concord in the Catskills, or the Brunswick, where Darthy 149 00:09:16,120 --> 00:09:19,800 Speaker 1: was staying with her parents. She was devout educated, with 150 00:09:19,840 --> 00:09:23,640 Speaker 1: a degree from Cornell and a master's from Columbia, and warm. 151 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:27,200 Speaker 1: She was kind to Susie. Orthodox Jews in the nineteen 152 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:30,720 Speaker 1: fifties weren't as strictly observant as they've since become, and 153 00:09:30,800 --> 00:09:33,320 Speaker 1: my father and Darthy had a courtship typical of its time. 154 00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,600 Speaker 1: She saved the orchids he sent her each week and 155 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:39,880 Speaker 1: pinned them to her bedroom wall. On their Saturday night 156 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,240 Speaker 1: dates after Shabus, they'd stop into a cocktail lounge for 157 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:46,520 Speaker 1: Cuba libres. They'd go ballroom dancing at the Plaza or 158 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:49,480 Speaker 1: the pier. For a nice kosher dinner, they'd go to 159 00:09:49,559 --> 00:09:53,920 Speaker 1: Lugie Siegal's on thirty eighth Street. My father presented Drothy 160 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:57,360 Speaker 1: with an emerald cut diamond engagement ring, and this time 161 00:09:57,559 --> 00:10:02,800 Speaker 1: he proposed himself. The summer before she met my father, 162 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:07,280 Speaker 1: Dorothy had a cough she couldn't shake. Her doctor told 163 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:10,760 Speaker 1: her it was whooping cough, and he hospitalized her briefly. 164 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:14,280 Speaker 1: While Dorothy was having tea at the water off Astoria 165 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:18,199 Speaker 1: the winter before her wedding, my father's younger sister surely 166 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:22,440 Speaker 1: noticed her carefully examining her cup before taking a sip. 167 00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:27,000 Speaker 1: Dorothy explained that she had caught a virus in Nantucket 168 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:30,120 Speaker 1: the summer before, and she believed it was from drinking 169 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,920 Speaker 1: tea out of a cracked cup. My father's family became 170 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:38,760 Speaker 1: concerned Dorothy would grow suddenly pale, and unnaturally dark circles 171 00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:42,640 Speaker 1: would appear under her eyes. On the advice of his parents, 172 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:47,680 Speaker 1: my father called Dorothy's internest. The doctor assured him that 173 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:52,280 Speaker 1: Dorothy was fine, but a distant cousin of my father's, 174 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:55,720 Speaker 1: who was an intern at the same hospital, had interpreted 175 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:59,920 Speaker 1: Dorothy's pattern of symptoms and he didn't think she was fine. 176 00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:03,120 Speaker 1: He stole a peek at her medical records and saw 177 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:07,240 Speaker 1: a page after page of scrawled blood test results. She 178 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:12,880 Speaker 1: had hotkins lymphoma at the time, a uniformly fatal illness. 179 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:17,160 Speaker 1: Once diagnosed, most patients could be expected to live about 180 00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:21,040 Speaker 1: a year. Not knowing what to do with this information, 181 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:25,320 Speaker 1: the cousin called my father's best friend, Danny, and told 182 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,600 Speaker 1: him what he had learned. Danny was married to the 183 00:11:28,679 --> 00:11:32,120 Speaker 1: daughter of the renowned Rabbi Joseph h Lukstein, and he 184 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:35,400 Speaker 1: immediately went to his father in law for advice. The 185 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:38,960 Speaker 1: rabbi was emphatic Danny had to tell my father what 186 00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:44,760 Speaker 1: he knew. The wedding was two weeks away. That night, 187 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:48,079 Speaker 1: Danny went to see my father, who was camping out 188 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:51,199 Speaker 1: in his parents study, A black and gold book lined 189 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:56,000 Speaker 1: room twenty seven floors above Central Park West. Oil paintings 190 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:59,760 Speaker 1: of the Shapiro ancestors, the men with white double beards 191 00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:04,320 Speaker 1: and black skull caps hung on the walls. Then he 192 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:08,760 Speaker 1: broke the news to him Dorothy was dying. She didn't know. 193 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:13,280 Speaker 1: Only the doctors and her father knew the truth, and 194 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:17,679 Speaker 1: a decision had been made to protect her. Danny advised 195 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,640 Speaker 1: him not to marry Dorothy, for the sake of his future, 196 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:25,400 Speaker 1: his reputation was already tarnished as a divorced Orthodox Man 197 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,680 Speaker 1: in nineteen fifty four, and for the sake of his 198 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:33,960 Speaker 1: six year old, who had already lost enough. The morning 199 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:37,400 Speaker 1: after Danny's visit, my father took a checker cab to 200 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:42,040 Speaker 1: Brooklyn to see Dorothy's father. Louis Gribbitts, was a short, 201 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:45,440 Speaker 1: wiry man, a respected attorney who had written a book 202 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:48,679 Speaker 1: about Mayor Jimmy Walker and made an unsuccessful run for 203 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:52,520 Speaker 1: city council. He had studied for the Rabbinet. He would 204 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:55,840 Speaker 1: have known that TAMA generally prohibits telling a terminally ill 205 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:59,840 Speaker 1: patient the truth about her condition. Dorothy was the oldest 206 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:04,160 Speaker 1: his three children. Eleven years earlier, the youngest, a son 207 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:06,960 Speaker 1: named Stanley, had died at the age of seven of 208 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:12,160 Speaker 1: rheumatic fever. Louis, in his living room high above Grand 209 00:13:12,240 --> 00:13:16,320 Speaker 1: Army Plaza that night, explained to my father that he 210 00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:19,160 Speaker 1: hadn't told him because he wanted his daughter to know 211 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:24,120 Speaker 1: happiness in the last months of her life. My father 212 00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,480 Speaker 1: postponed his wedding to Darthy for ten days. He had 213 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,480 Speaker 1: a boil on his stomach, and he checked into Beth 214 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,760 Speaker 1: Israel Hospital on Friday morning to have it removed and 215 00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:36,200 Speaker 1: to buy time. He didn't get in touch with Drothy 216 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:38,760 Speaker 1: to let her know, and once it was sundown on Friday, 217 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,680 Speaker 1: the Sabbath, he wouldn't be able to call her until 218 00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:46,440 Speaker 1: at least sundown on Saturday. In the meantime, his sister Shirley, 219 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:49,360 Speaker 1: made arrangements to come down on the overnight train from Boston. 220 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,520 Speaker 1: My father was determined that his parents shouldn't be told 221 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:56,920 Speaker 1: about Darthy's illness. He had been under his father's som 222 00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,959 Speaker 1: his whole life. This time he was going to make 223 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:03,880 Speaker 1: his own decision, but he needed advice. The next day, 224 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,600 Speaker 1: through a series of favors and connections, Shirley reached and 225 00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:11,280 Speaker 1: made an appointment to see the Grand labovicher Rebbe Menachim 226 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:16,400 Speaker 1: Schneerssen in nineteen fifty four, decades before he was thought 227 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:19,640 Speaker 1: of as the Messiah by many of the Labubbisher community. 228 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:24,280 Speaker 1: Rabbi Schneerson was already a mythic figure. While my family 229 00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:28,200 Speaker 1: were considered Orthodox by most standards, Hasidim would have considered 230 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:32,400 Speaker 1: them assimilated. The Shapiros and their crowd kept their religious 231 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:36,480 Speaker 1: practices private. They didn't wear yamakas on the street. They 232 00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:40,200 Speaker 1: ate dairy or fish in regular, non Kosher restaurants. Men 233 00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:44,200 Speaker 1: and women danced together cheek to cheek. Surely and my 234 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:47,400 Speaker 1: father knew that their parents had met Schneerson and respected him, 235 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,640 Speaker 1: but in turning to him, they were moving outside their 236 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:55,000 Speaker 1: social circle. Shirley is now seventy four and the grandmother 237 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:59,200 Speaker 1: of twenty I'm actually going to insert there that Shirley 238 00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:03,400 Speaker 1: is now one hundred and three and the great grandmother 239 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:08,800 Speaker 1: of countless countless great grandchildren and great great grandchildren. Her 240 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:12,320 Speaker 1: oldest son is an Orthodox rabbi, and most of her 241 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:16,640 Speaker 1: male grandchildren wear paeous and dark clothes. I haven't visited 242 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,640 Speaker 1: her often. By the time I was born, my father 243 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,240 Speaker 1: had moved, or perhaps was pushed, away from the Orthodox 244 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:25,680 Speaker 1: fold as Surely and her family became even more deeply 245 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:29,880 Speaker 1: involved in it. My father had been divorced, then widowed, 246 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:34,400 Speaker 1: and then had married a woman my mother who wasn't religious. 247 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,480 Speaker 1: With each move he drifted further away from the Manhattan 248 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:40,840 Speaker 1: shoals of his youth and the community that went along 249 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:44,960 Speaker 1: with them. I'm also going to insert here that after 250 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:49,160 Speaker 1: writing this piece, I became extremely close with my aunt Shirley, 251 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:54,440 Speaker 1: and have remained so ever since. That day, I took 252 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:57,640 Speaker 1: a taxi to Crown Heights. Shirley told me I was 253 00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,520 Speaker 1: wearing my suit from Sachs, but I was worried that 254 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,280 Speaker 1: I didn't look religious enough to meet the Rebbe. So 255 00:16:03,320 --> 00:16:05,640 Speaker 1: I had the taxi stop at a store on De Lancey, 256 00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:09,200 Speaker 1: and I ran inside and bought a tykel, a black rag. 257 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,360 Speaker 1: I took off my fancy hat and tied the tyrol 258 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:17,160 Speaker 1: under my chin. When I got to seven seventy Eastern Parkway, 259 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,160 Speaker 1: I was shown straight into the rebby's study. He was 260 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:23,640 Speaker 1: such a handsome man, with clear, clear eyes and a 261 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:28,760 Speaker 1: snap brim fedora. His desk was absolutely clean. He sat 262 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:32,280 Speaker 1: quietly while I told him the story, and when I finished, 263 00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:34,560 Speaker 1: he was quiet for a few minutes, and then he said, 264 00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:41,560 Speaker 1: tell your brother to postpone and postpone. When Shirley got 265 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,440 Speaker 1: back to Beth Israel, prepared to convey the Rabbi's advice 266 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:48,280 Speaker 1: to my father. There was Dorothy sitting on my father's bed, 267 00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:52,960 Speaker 1: holding his hand, looking incandescent in a coral colored dress 268 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:56,080 Speaker 1: that set off her dark hair and a black velvet hat. 269 00:16:56,800 --> 00:17:00,840 Speaker 1: Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes shone charl Can 270 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:03,480 Speaker 1: you imagine I was trying on my wedding veil when 271 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:07,280 Speaker 1: I heard Paul was in the hospital. My father was ashen, 272 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,679 Speaker 1: propped up in bed, still weak from his surgery. His 273 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:13,639 Speaker 1: head was bowed and he was stroking the inside of 274 00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:19,119 Speaker 1: Darthy's wrist, tracing the map of pale blue veins. Later, 275 00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:23,560 Speaker 1: when Dorothy left, Shirley told my father about Niersen's advice. 276 00:17:24,359 --> 00:17:28,520 Speaker 1: I can't do that to Darthy, he said. I also 277 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:33,880 Speaker 1: want to add here that surely had the most extraordinary memory, 278 00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:37,720 Speaker 1: her memory of what Dorothy was wearing, her memory of 279 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:41,040 Speaker 1: verbatim of what the rebby had said. I never would 280 00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:43,840 Speaker 1: have been able to write or publish this piece in 281 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:48,359 Speaker 1: The New Yorker, which is famous for its fact checking process, 282 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:53,760 Speaker 1: without having had the incredible generosity of my extraordinary aunt, 283 00:17:54,359 --> 00:17:56,879 Speaker 1: who for whom it was not easy to tell this story. 284 00:17:56,920 --> 00:18:00,600 Speaker 1: It was such a painful story for her than for 285 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:05,280 Speaker 1: everyone who knew my dad. After the wedding, Dorothy said 286 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,399 Speaker 1: she wanted to start a family as soon as she 287 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:11,800 Speaker 1: felt better. But late that summer she was hospitalized. She 288 00:18:11,880 --> 00:18:14,719 Speaker 1: had a lymph node removed from under her arm, and 289 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:18,200 Speaker 1: she was treated with mustard gas. When she came home, 290 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:21,960 Speaker 1: she had weakened considerably. She was no longer able to 291 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,080 Speaker 1: get up in the morning on Shabas to set the table, 292 00:18:24,560 --> 00:18:27,040 Speaker 1: so she did it with Susie's help the night before. 293 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:31,359 Speaker 1: She never complained, but my father told Susye to be 294 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:37,560 Speaker 1: especially gentle with Dorothy. She wasn't feeling well. Just before 295 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:40,119 Speaker 1: the high Holidays, my father and Dorothy moved into an 296 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:43,879 Speaker 1: apartment at fifty Plaza Street, on the same floor as 297 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:47,560 Speaker 1: Dorothy's parents. It was an apartment big enough for a family, 298 00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:50,639 Speaker 1: and it had views of Grand Army Plaza and the 299 00:18:50,640 --> 00:18:54,960 Speaker 1: Brooklyn Museum. For Dorothy, it was an exciting new beginning. 300 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:59,960 Speaker 1: She began to furnish the apartment lovingly, ordering curtains, sofas, 301 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,760 Speaker 1: rolls of wall to wall carpeting. But for my father, 302 00:19:04,359 --> 00:19:08,080 Speaker 1: being near Dorothy's parents probably meant that he'd have more 303 00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:12,720 Speaker 1: help with Dorothy when the time came on Roshachana morning, 304 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:16,919 Speaker 1: Dorothy and her sister Grace were dressing for shul in 305 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:20,840 Speaker 1: their old girlhood bedroom. Dorothy was wearing an ivory silk 306 00:19:20,920 --> 00:19:25,639 Speaker 1: blouse with silk covered buttons. Suddenly she sat down on 307 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:31,160 Speaker 1: the bed, her face white, the black circles appearing. I'm 308 00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,919 Speaker 1: too sick to go to shool, she whispered. Then she 309 00:19:34,080 --> 00:19:38,960 Speaker 1: unbuttoned her bouse with shaking fingers. Grace, will you wear 310 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,000 Speaker 1: this to shool for me? That way, at least part 311 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:45,919 Speaker 1: of me will be there. As Grace was putting on 312 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:49,080 Speaker 1: Dorothy's blouse, Susy came bouncing into the room in a 313 00:19:49,119 --> 00:19:52,320 Speaker 1: new dress, excited about going to temple, wanting to see 314 00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:56,119 Speaker 1: what was taking so long. Susy, I can't go to shool, 315 00:19:56,200 --> 00:19:58,919 Speaker 1: Dorothy told her, But will you say a prayer for me? 316 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:03,480 Speaker 1: You can't say a prayer for another person, Susy replied, 317 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:10,399 Speaker 1: you have to pray for yourself. In October, on Sioux Cote, 318 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:14,280 Speaker 1: the holiday that celebrates the autumn harvest, Dorothy was in 319 00:20:14,359 --> 00:20:17,800 Speaker 1: bed reading a magazine when she began to have trouble breathing. 320 00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:22,960 Speaker 1: My father sent Susy outside to rollerskate. He called an 321 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:27,440 Speaker 1: ambulance and Dorothy was taken into Manhattan to Memorial Hospital. 322 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,480 Speaker 1: My grandfather came up from Virginia when he heard the news. 323 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,280 Speaker 1: He stood in the doorway of the waiting room and 324 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:38,440 Speaker 1: looked at Shirley through his ponsnez. He was an imposing man, 325 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:42,360 Speaker 1: portly and bald, and most people's first reaction to him 326 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:48,400 Speaker 1: was fear. What's wrong with Dorothy? He asked. Shirley looked 327 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:52,880 Speaker 1: up at him, shaking her head slightly. The word cancer 328 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:59,480 Speaker 1: was never uttered. She's very, very sick, dad. My father 329 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:03,159 Speaker 1: led me my grandfather into Drothy's room. She was popped 330 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:07,600 Speaker 1: up in bed and there were tubes and wires everywhere. Finally, 331 00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,639 Speaker 1: she looked every bit as sick as she was. She 332 00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:15,240 Speaker 1: was drawn and thin, and her eyes were sunken. I 333 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,040 Speaker 1: wanted to say this in front of you, Dad, she 334 00:21:18,119 --> 00:21:22,280 Speaker 1: said to my grandfather, I want to thank Paul for 335 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:29,120 Speaker 1: giving me the happiest six months of my life. Afterwards, 336 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:32,360 Speaker 1: when it was all over, my father returned to the apartment, 337 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:36,040 Speaker 1: stepped over the still rolled up carpeting Dorothy had ordered 338 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:39,800 Speaker 1: only weeks before, and headed down the long corridor into 339 00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:44,040 Speaker 1: their bedroom. There on the bed was the magazine she 340 00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:46,760 Speaker 1: had been reading just before she was taken to the hospital. 341 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:53,040 Speaker 1: It was open to an article about Hopkins lymphoma. After 342 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,920 Speaker 1: the ambulance came and took Dorothy away, I didn't see 343 00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:59,080 Speaker 1: Dad for two weeks, Susy says, as we sit in 344 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:02,760 Speaker 1: her East village apart. He called me every night, and 345 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:06,320 Speaker 1: every night I'd ask him where he was, and he'd 346 00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:10,160 Speaker 1: say where do you think I am? And I'd say 347 00:22:10,359 --> 00:22:14,479 Speaker 1: the hospital, And then I'd ask how Darthy was, and 348 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:18,600 Speaker 1: he'd tell me she was resting. He picked me up 349 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:21,200 Speaker 1: on a Wednesday night, after those two weeks had gone by. 350 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,399 Speaker 1: He looked like hell, and he was quieter than usual. 351 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:27,560 Speaker 1: We were in a taxi going through Central Park on 352 00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:30,280 Speaker 1: our way to Grammy and Grampy's when I asked him 353 00:22:30,359 --> 00:22:33,800 Speaker 1: how Darthy was, and he told me that Darthy had died. 354 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:37,879 Speaker 1: She had died a week before. They had the funeral, 355 00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:44,119 Speaker 1: buried her sat Shiva, all without telling me. I am 356 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:49,480 Speaker 1: going to interject here that all these many, many many 357 00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:55,560 Speaker 1: years later, Susie and I have virtually no relationship, and 358 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:58,040 Speaker 1: a big part of the reason that we have no 359 00:22:58,119 --> 00:23:01,800 Speaker 1: relationship is all a thing history, all of this pain, 360 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:06,960 Speaker 1: all of this unnecessary secrecy, They were very much people 361 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,159 Speaker 1: of their time, and their time was a time in 362 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:13,200 Speaker 1: which you didn't say the word cancer, and you didn't 363 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:17,760 Speaker 1: tell children when someone had died, and the children didn't 364 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,520 Speaker 1: come to the funeral and were never able to have 365 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:24,840 Speaker 1: any closure and carry that pain with them throughout their 366 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:30,800 Speaker 1: entire lives. And reading this all these years later, reading 367 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:34,080 Speaker 1: this out loud for all of you, is a very 368 00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:38,199 Speaker 1: emotional experience for me, and a very moving one. My 369 00:23:38,359 --> 00:23:47,440 Speaker 1: father was an extraordinary man, extraordinarily brave and kind, and yeah, 370 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:53,080 Speaker 1: I'm just going to keep reading. My parents kept secrets, 371 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:58,040 Speaker 1: Dorothy was only one of them, to which I really 372 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:04,520 Speaker 1: need to interject here, no shit, sorry. My mother's first marriage, 373 00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:09,280 Speaker 1: an aunt's nervous breakdown, an uncle's attempted suicide, all were 374 00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:14,280 Speaker 1: kept secret. On the surface, everything seemed perfect. But why 375 00:24:14,359 --> 00:24:17,800 Speaker 1: was my father so unhappy all the time? Why did 376 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:23,400 Speaker 1: my mother seem so constantly on edge? Here I will 377 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:28,760 Speaker 1: also interdict, I didn't have all the information, and all 378 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,200 Speaker 1: the information I did have, and everything that I wrote 379 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:35,600 Speaker 1: in this piece was in fact completely true, it just 380 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:40,000 Speaker 1: wasn't the whole truth. I didn't know all the secrets. 381 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:45,879 Speaker 1: Some of the friction between my parents had to do 382 00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:50,320 Speaker 1: with my father's strict religious beliefs. My mother was fun 383 00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:54,880 Speaker 1: loving and glamorous, the head of her own small advertising agency. 384 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,520 Speaker 1: When she met my father. She had no idea that 385 00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,879 Speaker 1: becoming Orthodox meant more than keeping a kosher home and 386 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:06,000 Speaker 1: going to school on holidays. Orthodoxy was its own universe, 387 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,159 Speaker 1: a universe as suspicious of her as she was of it. 388 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:13,439 Speaker 1: As the years went by, we rarely saw my father's family, 389 00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:16,960 Speaker 1: and when we did, they seemed foreign to me, with 390 00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,520 Speaker 1: their yamukas and thick glasses. They were pale and wan 391 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:25,200 Speaker 1: with something called yeshiva pallor. On our way home from visiting, 392 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:28,480 Speaker 1: my mother would make fun of them, and my father 393 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:34,320 Speaker 1: would become even quieter than usual. I grew up in 394 00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:37,720 Speaker 1: a house full of fear. We were protected by three 395 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:41,400 Speaker 1: different kinds of alarm systems, pads on the floors under 396 00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:45,520 Speaker 1: the rugs, a motion detector, and panic buttons that could 397 00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,960 Speaker 1: be pressed in an emergency. I wasn't allowed to run 398 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:52,560 Speaker 1: barefoot on the lawn. I was slathered with sunlation year round. 399 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,520 Speaker 1: If a bee buzzed near me, my mother would swoop 400 00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:58,320 Speaker 1: down and rush me into the house. I never had 401 00:25:58,400 --> 00:26:02,120 Speaker 1: chicken pox, measles or mump, any of the childhood diseases. 402 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:05,760 Speaker 1: I wasn't around children enough to have them, but the 403 00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:11,199 Speaker 1: real dangers were inside our house. What I remember is 404 00:26:11,240 --> 00:26:14,320 Speaker 1: the silence. Most of the time, it was as quiet 405 00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:17,640 Speaker 1: as a wax museum, and my parents spoke to each other, 406 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:21,800 Speaker 1: at least in front of me, with brittle politeness. And 407 00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:24,000 Speaker 1: then every once in a while there would be the 408 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:26,679 Speaker 1: booming sound of my father's voice, or the loud slam 409 00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:29,199 Speaker 1: of the back door as my mother went outside to 410 00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:31,760 Speaker 1: sit on the cold aluminum of the milk can and 411 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:35,920 Speaker 1: smoke a cigarette. These fights didn't seem to have beginnings 412 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:39,520 Speaker 1: or ends, but I knew my parents would never divorce. 413 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,240 Speaker 1: I couldn't have articulated it back then, but my parents 414 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:46,200 Speaker 1: seemed to be holding their fragile world together with some 415 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:50,560 Speaker 1: sort of tacit agreement that their histories and secrets, the 416 00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:53,640 Speaker 1: whole of their past lives, could be kept from each 417 00:26:53,680 --> 00:27:00,320 Speaker 1: other and from me. Again, extraordinary that I understand stood 418 00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:03,800 Speaker 1: on some level. This speaks to what listeners of this 419 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:08,240 Speaker 1: podcast know. I talk about a lot in various episodes 420 00:27:08,280 --> 00:27:11,840 Speaker 1: about the unsought known right here buried in my own 421 00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:14,240 Speaker 1: words before I ever knew that my dad wasn't my 422 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:18,560 Speaker 1: biological father, that my parents had used a sperm donor, 423 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:23,000 Speaker 1: that they had never spoken a word of their fertility 424 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,640 Speaker 1: journey or their use of donor sperm, or the fact 425 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:30,000 Speaker 1: that he wasn't my biological father. Ever again, I'll never know, 426 00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:32,600 Speaker 1: but I believe they never spoke of it to each other, 427 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:35,840 Speaker 1: and I'm certain that they never spoke of it to anyone, 428 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:38,919 Speaker 1: most definitely not to me. So how's that for a 429 00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:43,600 Speaker 1: tacit agreement. Once I knew about Drothy, from time to 430 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:47,000 Speaker 1: time I would ask my mother about her. They tricked 431 00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:49,800 Speaker 1: your father into marrying her. She'd say, it was a 432 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:53,239 Speaker 1: terrible thing they did. From my mother, it was as 433 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:57,399 Speaker 1: if my father's second wife had barely existed. But Darthy 434 00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:00,800 Speaker 1: was very real for my father. The one time I 435 00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:04,000 Speaker 1: asked him about her, I glimpsed pain in his eyes 436 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:10,720 Speaker 1: so intense that I never asked again. Grace Gribbet's Glasser, 437 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:14,560 Speaker 1: Darthy's younger sister, wasn't easy for me to track down. 438 00:28:15,280 --> 00:28:18,160 Speaker 1: She's married to I Leo Glasser, the federal judge who 439 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:21,280 Speaker 1: presided over the John Gotti trial, and they lead a 440 00:28:21,359 --> 00:28:25,440 Speaker 1: quiet private life in a prosperous protected section of Rockaway 441 00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:29,760 Speaker 1: Park facing the ocean. But when I visited her, almost 442 00:28:29,800 --> 00:28:33,520 Speaker 1: a year into my new marriage, she seemed entirely unfazed 443 00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:37,200 Speaker 1: that her late sister's husband's daughter would have come looking 444 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:40,920 Speaker 1: for her. Hello, dear, she said, as if she had 445 00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:44,680 Speaker 1: been expecting me. I recognized her face from wedding photos, 446 00:28:45,200 --> 00:28:49,480 Speaker 1: a wide eyed young woman holding her sister's bouquet. She's 447 00:28:49,560 --> 00:28:54,360 Speaker 1: now sixty nine with silver hair. You look like your father, 448 00:28:54,680 --> 00:28:58,960 Speaker 1: she said, ushering me in. It was a few days 449 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:02,520 Speaker 1: before pooram. Between us on her kitchen table was a 450 00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:07,040 Speaker 1: shoe box full of photographs of Darthy. Grace was twenty 451 00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:11,360 Speaker 1: five when Drothy died. She has four children and nine grandchildren. 452 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:17,320 Speaker 1: Her oldest daughter is named Drothy. Together we shuffled through 453 00:29:17,320 --> 00:29:21,080 Speaker 1: the photographs. Dorothy on a picnic blanket with one boyfriend, 454 00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:24,760 Speaker 1: on the beach with another, Dorothy and my father at 455 00:29:24,760 --> 00:29:28,400 Speaker 1: their wedding. Grace handed me a photo of my father 456 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:32,320 Speaker 1: in a navy blue suit, white shirt and silver tie, 457 00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:35,440 Speaker 1: his hand resting on the back of a chair as 458 00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:39,440 Speaker 1: he turned to the camera, laughing. I had never seen 459 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:44,040 Speaker 1: this expression of pure, unadulterated joy on my father's face. 460 00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:47,600 Speaker 1: I used to meet your father for lunch every once 461 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:50,560 Speaker 1: in a while, Grace said, I remember he called me 462 00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:54,120 Speaker 1: when you were getting married. When was that? I knew 463 00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:56,560 Speaker 1: she was referring to my first marriage, the one for 464 00:29:56,600 --> 00:30:00,640 Speaker 1: which my father was still alive. He was worried, continued, 465 00:30:00,920 --> 00:30:04,239 Speaker 1: he wasn't happy about it at all. I wondered if 466 00:30:04,240 --> 00:30:06,160 Speaker 1: my mother knew that my father had stayed in touch 467 00:30:06,160 --> 00:30:10,560 Speaker 1: with Drothy's sister. I doubt it. Now I follow her 468 00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:13,880 Speaker 1: down a hall and enter her bedroom. The life she has, 469 00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:18,840 Speaker 1: the children, the grandchildren, the hamentashen in the oven. That 470 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:20,960 Speaker 1: was the life my father was supposed to have had 471 00:30:21,080 --> 00:30:24,880 Speaker 1: with Drothy. Darcy and my father would have lived in Brooklyn, 472 00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:27,600 Speaker 1: or on Central Park West, or on the beach at 473 00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:31,880 Speaker 1: Rockaway Park. They would have been active in their local synagogue, 474 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,320 Speaker 1: had a bunch of children, and lived an observant life. 475 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:38,960 Speaker 1: Grace opened a walk in closet, and I heard the 476 00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:42,280 Speaker 1: scrape and rattle at hangers. She emerged from the closet 477 00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:46,560 Speaker 1: carrying a blouse. It was one's ivory silk with ivory 478 00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:51,120 Speaker 1: silk covered buttons. Now it was yellow and stained and 479 00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:54,800 Speaker 1: much too big for her small frame. I've worn it 480 00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:58,080 Speaker 1: to shool every Roshashana for forty four years. She said, 481 00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:02,720 Speaker 1: Her voice was sweet and sorrowful. It's so stained now 482 00:31:03,120 --> 00:31:07,240 Speaker 1: I can't even take off my jacket. I wish my 483 00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:10,760 Speaker 1: sister were here to meet you, she says. But if 484 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:16,880 Speaker 1: she were here, you wouldn't be Is that ever true? 485 00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,080 Speaker 1: After Dorothy died, my father looked for a new apartment. 486 00:31:21,040 --> 00:31:23,120 Speaker 1: There was a building going up on East ninth Street, 487 00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:25,920 Speaker 1: near Broadway, and he went with his sister to see it. 488 00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:30,640 Speaker 1: They were sitting in the rental office when an impeccably dressed, 489 00:31:30,720 --> 00:31:33,280 Speaker 1: dark haired woman in her early thirties walked in the door. 490 00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:37,080 Speaker 1: Shirley noticed that she wasn't wearing a wedding ring and 491 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:41,400 Speaker 1: nudged my father. A few months later, after my father 492 00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:44,120 Speaker 1: had moved into that building, he saw the dark haired 493 00:31:44,160 --> 00:31:47,080 Speaker 1: woman on the street. It was Shabus and she was 494 00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:50,680 Speaker 1: carrying a hammer. Modern girl that she was on her 495 00:31:50,720 --> 00:31:55,000 Speaker 1: way home to install bookcases. Obviously, she wasn't observant a 496 00:31:55,080 --> 00:31:58,840 Speaker 1: hammer on Shabus, but he was pretty sure she was Jewish. 497 00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:03,120 Speaker 1: They stopped and chatted and he caught her first name, Irene. 498 00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:06,640 Speaker 1: He knew she lived on the block, and the next 499 00:32:06,720 --> 00:32:10,000 Speaker 1: day he spent his morning pouring through the Manhattan phone 500 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:16,760 Speaker 1: book looking for Irenees on East ninth Street. During my 501 00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:20,640 Speaker 1: parents courtship, my father continued to spend weekends at Grossinger's 502 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:24,560 Speaker 1: and the Concord in search of an Orthodox woman. It 503 00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:28,640 Speaker 1: was unheard of to marry outside Orthodoxy. It was almost 504 00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:32,000 Speaker 1: like marrying out of the faith. But on September fourth, 505 00:32:32,120 --> 00:32:35,920 Speaker 1: nineteen fifty seven, he and Irene were married at Young 506 00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:40,800 Speaker 1: Israel on Sixteenth Street. A photograph of my parents at 507 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:44,200 Speaker 1: their wedding hangs over the desk where I write. They 508 00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:47,200 Speaker 1: are walking up the aisle and my mother is smiling triumphantly. 509 00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:52,320 Speaker 1: My father's hand is bawled into a fist. Within a year, 510 00:32:52,720 --> 00:32:55,320 Speaker 1: he had entered his back and become addicted to painkillers 511 00:32:55,560 --> 00:33:00,200 Speaker 1: and tranquilizers. For all the years of my childhood, my 512 00:33:00,280 --> 00:33:05,640 Speaker 1: father walked gingerly, as if constantly aware that collapse was possible, 513 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:09,520 Speaker 1: and as the tension in our home grew, he became 514 00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:15,120 Speaker 1: quieter and quieter. Sometimes I would catch his eye to 515 00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:19,680 Speaker 1: wink at him, to let him know I understood, But 516 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:32,200 Speaker 1: I didn't understand, and he continued sliding away. So that 517 00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:35,880 Speaker 1: is the end of the story that I wrote. In 518 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:41,400 Speaker 1: nineteen ninety eight. It was the year twenty sixteen before 519 00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:45,240 Speaker 1: I learned what my parents had gone through in those 520 00:33:45,280 --> 00:33:49,640 Speaker 1: early years of their marriage, their attempt time and time 521 00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:55,400 Speaker 1: again to have a child, to create a family together, 522 00:33:56,320 --> 00:34:01,440 Speaker 1: and ultimately what drew them to the very unusual and 523 00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:07,160 Speaker 1: completely secretive decision to use a sperm donor to create 524 00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:10,360 Speaker 1: a family, which was something that in the early nineteen sixties. 525 00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:14,040 Speaker 1: It happened. It happened plenty, but it was illegal, It 526 00:34:14,160 --> 00:34:19,799 Speaker 1: was considered immoral, It was frowned upon and forbidden by 527 00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:22,840 Speaker 1: every religion. I could have been taken away from my 528 00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:26,440 Speaker 1: father legally, I would have been considered not his child. 529 00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:31,440 Speaker 1: He knew all that, and he loved me with every 530 00:34:31,960 --> 00:34:34,880 Speaker 1: cell in his being. I know that, and he was 531 00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:39,520 Speaker 1: a wonderful father in so many ways. But he and 532 00:34:39,640 --> 00:34:44,920 Speaker 1: my mother harbored this tremendous secret on top of all 533 00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:48,719 Speaker 1: of those other secrets. Their reasons for shivering over me 534 00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:54,120 Speaker 1: are now reasons that I understand so much better. His depression, 535 00:34:54,719 --> 00:34:59,600 Speaker 1: his sorrow, the compounding of all of those secrets in 536 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:02,400 Speaker 1: his life life must really have been too much for 537 00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:06,680 Speaker 1: him to bear. And it's one of the great honors 538 00:35:07,600 --> 00:35:11,480 Speaker 1: of my life as an artist, as a writer, as 539 00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:16,600 Speaker 1: a podcaster, to be able to tell his story, to 540 00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:19,319 Speaker 1: be able to tell my mother's story, to be able 541 00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:23,839 Speaker 1: to in a way honor them by sharing what was 542 00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:29,120 Speaker 1: really a very very difficult life. When I wrote in 543 00:35:29,160 --> 00:35:32,000 Speaker 1: this piece, just reading it to you now aloud, that 544 00:35:32,920 --> 00:35:35,120 Speaker 1: I knew they would never divorce. I did know they 545 00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:39,319 Speaker 1: would never divorce. I think they couldn't have tolerated divorcing. Also, 546 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:42,680 Speaker 1: if they had divorced, it's possible that my mother could 547 00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:45,319 Speaker 1: have taken me away from my father. My father was 548 00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:48,400 Speaker 1: never going to leave her. I don't think that she 549 00:35:48,560 --> 00:35:52,120 Speaker 1: was ever going to leave him either, And instead, they 550 00:35:52,160 --> 00:35:54,239 Speaker 1: lived with their secrets, and they lived with their pain 551 00:35:54,440 --> 00:35:57,440 Speaker 1: until each of them took those secrets to the grave 552 00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:02,719 Speaker 1: with them. So here I am family, Secrets. Family. On 553 00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:06,080 Speaker 1: this Christmas Day, or wherever this finds you, whatever, you 554 00:36:06,120 --> 00:36:10,600 Speaker 1: listen to this. What an extraordinary experience for me to 555 00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:15,080 Speaker 1: have just come back revisited this story, this story that 556 00:36:15,239 --> 00:36:19,000 Speaker 1: thrumbs beneath all the other stories that I have learned 557 00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:22,880 Speaker 1: since and that have liberated me from so much that 558 00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:23,840 Speaker 1: I didn't understand