1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:02,040 Speaker 1: So when you're actually trying to place a friend into 2 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:04,600 Speaker 1: a category, these are the questions you have to ask yourself, 3 00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:07,680 Speaker 1: like how often do I communicate with this person? More 4 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:10,760 Speaker 1: forms of communication do we even use? How often do 5 00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:13,800 Speaker 1: I spend time with this person? What topics am I 6 00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:16,960 Speaker 1: comfortable talking to them about? Like, honestly, I'm the type 7 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,319 Speaker 1: of person I don't tell many people most things about 8 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:22,680 Speaker 1: my life. They may see it, they may hear about 9 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:25,560 Speaker 1: it from other people, but there are very few people 10 00:00:25,640 --> 00:00:28,720 Speaker 1: I can count on my hand one hand how many 11 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:32,040 Speaker 1: people I truly voice things to or share things with. 12 00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:34,919 Speaker 1: There's that idea in your mind that if your best 13 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,960 Speaker 1: friends you have to talk about everything and share everything. No, 14 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:40,680 Speaker 1: I think that's such a young minded version of friendship. 15 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,920 Speaker 1: There's different friends that you could have for different things, 16 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,800 Speaker 1: And I think that's also important to remember that you 17 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:48,480 Speaker 1: don't even have to tell your best friend everything. Maybe 18 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:50,960 Speaker 1: you have different best friends for different reasons and different 19 00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:54,040 Speaker 1: points of areas that you really connect to. I'm rather 20 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,720 Speaker 1: w Kiah and on my podcast A Really Good Cry, 21 00:00:56,920 --> 00:01:01,120 Speaker 1: we embrace the messy and the beautiful, a space for raw, 22 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:05,320 Speaker 1: unfiltered conversations that celebrate vulnerability and allow you to tune 23 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:09,240 Speaker 1: in to learn, connect and find comfort together. Hey everyone, 24 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:11,959 Speaker 1: welcome back to this week's episode of A Really Good Cry. 25 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,320 Speaker 1: Thank you for joining me again. I appreciate you all 26 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:17,160 Speaker 1: so much. This week, the topic that's been in my 27 00:01:17,280 --> 00:01:20,440 Speaker 1: mind is all about friendships, and let me tell you 28 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:23,360 Speaker 1: why so. I recently when I was a group of 29 00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:26,360 Speaker 1: friends that I had not seen in a really long time, 30 00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:28,680 Speaker 1: and at first, I was actually quite excited about it. 31 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:31,760 Speaker 1: I was excited to catch up and see how everyone's been. 32 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:34,080 Speaker 1: And then on my way there, I started getting a 33 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:35,280 Speaker 1: little bit nervous, and I was like, why am I 34 00:01:35,319 --> 00:01:38,199 Speaker 1: feeling nervous about this? Maybe I just, you know, because 35 00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:39,640 Speaker 1: I hadn't seen them in a while. I was feeling 36 00:01:39,640 --> 00:01:41,160 Speaker 1: a bit nervous, and these are people I was actually 37 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,480 Speaker 1: really good friends with. I got there, and then when 38 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:47,240 Speaker 1: we started having conversations and trying to connect, I noticed 39 00:01:47,280 --> 00:01:50,120 Speaker 1: that I wasn't feeling the way I used to in 40 00:01:50,200 --> 00:01:52,760 Speaker 1: that interaction, and I thought, maybe it's me, or maybe 41 00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:55,440 Speaker 1: it's there, or maybe it's both of us. And by 42 00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 1: the end of the meeting, I ended up realizing and 43 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:03,200 Speaker 1: coming to the realization that I think I'm just where 44 00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:06,040 Speaker 1: we not me I think we're just outgrowing each other. 45 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:08,680 Speaker 1: And it wasn't. And I didn't still appreciate them and 46 00:02:08,720 --> 00:02:11,640 Speaker 1: I didn't have love for them. It was more that 47 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:14,359 Speaker 1: from that interaction, I feel like I didn't get anything, 48 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:16,680 Speaker 1: Like it didn't fuel me. And I think, you know, 49 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:20,120 Speaker 1: when we've started redefining what my friendships are or what 50 00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:23,640 Speaker 1: friendships mean to me, I realize I really feel like 51 00:02:23,639 --> 00:02:25,760 Speaker 1: I want to get something from that, and like I 52 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:27,919 Speaker 1: want to feel like I'm also giving what they need, 53 00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,000 Speaker 1: and neither felt true in that moment or in that interaction. 54 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,280 Speaker 1: Then came home and magically, you know how your feeds 55 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,320 Speaker 1: just start showing you things that you need to read 56 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:38,920 Speaker 1: or that you need to see after you're going through something. 57 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:41,560 Speaker 1: And I read this quote and I thought it really 58 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:44,880 Speaker 1: summarized it so beautifully. It said, some people we just outgrow. 59 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,840 Speaker 1: Relationships might end with no real reason or explanation why 60 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,680 Speaker 1: and when that happens, respect the shift, honor the growth, 61 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,840 Speaker 1: and understand that not all roots can stay planted in 62 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:59,240 Speaker 1: the same soil forever. And you know, we have all 63 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:02,600 Speaker 1: been there on one side or both. You're either outgrowing 64 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:05,440 Speaker 1: them or you've been the one outgrown, and it's such 65 00:03:05,440 --> 00:03:08,040 Speaker 1: a sticky, icky situation to be in, whether you're on 66 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:10,760 Speaker 1: either side. I used to find it so difficult to 67 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:13,920 Speaker 1: let go of friends, so difficult to actually come to 68 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,120 Speaker 1: terms with the reality that they don't want to be 69 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,760 Speaker 1: my friend anymore. And I used to be so dramatic. 70 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:21,600 Speaker 1: Everything was so hot, wrenching, so dramatic. There would be 71 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:26,640 Speaker 1: long text scent and you know, messages that are pouring 72 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:30,280 Speaker 1: out how I'm feeling. And back in the day when 73 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:31,840 Speaker 1: I was used to reflect, back when I sent that 74 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,239 Speaker 1: was such a loser. Why did I do that? But really, 75 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,600 Speaker 1: I think it's because at the end of the day, 76 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,840 Speaker 1: we care, and we are built for connections, and so 77 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:43,040 Speaker 1: losing connections can feel so scary and so uncomfortable. And 78 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,520 Speaker 1: as I've gone through different phases of my life, you know, 79 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,400 Speaker 1: some friends have stayed in my life for decades, some 80 00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:51,960 Speaker 1: for short periods, some have weaved in and out over time. 81 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 1: And when I've learned with all those friendships and relationships, 82 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,640 Speaker 1: is that forcing a friendship beyond its time is way 83 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:02,840 Speaker 1: worse in letting go. And I have had that, and 84 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:06,760 Speaker 1: I've been holding on to those withered threads till the 85 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,160 Speaker 1: bitter end, till there was no thread left, just trying 86 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:12,800 Speaker 1: to keep them in my life when it was obviously 87 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:17,280 Speaker 1: time for us to go our separate ways. And so 88 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,360 Speaker 1: for me, these past few years have really included big 89 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 1: shifts in my relationships. I feel like I've been working 90 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:26,159 Speaker 1: on removing these masks that I have constantly worn in 91 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:29,960 Speaker 1: friendships as a pattern over and over again. And these 92 00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:33,640 Speaker 1: masks were getting old and tatty, and they really didn't 93 00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:36,159 Speaker 1: fit who I was, or who I wanted to be 94 00:04:36,720 --> 00:04:39,560 Speaker 1: or who I am now. One of those major masks, 95 00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:42,760 Speaker 1: the thick masks I was wearing, was being the fixer, 96 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:47,320 Speaker 1: the person who was needed and helpful, and maybe even 97 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:51,679 Speaker 1: putting myself into situations that didn't actually need me because 98 00:04:51,760 --> 00:04:53,799 Speaker 1: I wanted to be needed. I wanted to be wanted. 99 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:55,839 Speaker 1: And I think many of you, I'm sure, can relate 100 00:04:55,839 --> 00:04:59,160 Speaker 1: to that, where you just want to feel secure in 101 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:01,640 Speaker 1: the relationship, keep doing things, you keep finding a way 102 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:03,880 Speaker 1: to be valid in their life because you want to 103 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:07,159 Speaker 1: feel relevant. And so over time I started looking for 104 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 1: friendships and connections where there was more meaning, more exchanges 105 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:15,719 Speaker 1: and reciprocation of love, of energy, of time, more compatibility 106 00:05:15,839 --> 00:05:18,760 Speaker 1: rather than need ability. And so there was an equal 107 00:05:18,839 --> 00:05:21,799 Speaker 1: exchange to some degree of what we were both receiving 108 00:05:21,839 --> 00:05:24,839 Speaker 1: and giving in the friendship. And so as I started 109 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:26,880 Speaker 1: looking for that, those are the type of friendships I 110 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,880 Speaker 1: ended up getting in my life. But the problem was 111 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:32,680 Speaker 1: what that also meant was that some friendships from the 112 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,760 Speaker 1: past no longer felt right. They were feeding a part 113 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:39,400 Speaker 1: of me that I no longer wanted fed, and so slowly, 114 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:45,400 Speaker 1: by surely those friendships started to fall away. So reflecting 115 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:47,680 Speaker 1: on my experiences, I've come up with a few signs 116 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:51,560 Speaker 1: that may help you to realize whether you're outgrowing your friends, 117 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:55,000 Speaker 1: because sometimes you can be unsure about it. You know 118 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:58,240 Speaker 1: you're outgrowing a friend when you know our growing friends 119 00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:01,200 Speaker 1: often has this negative ring to it, but they actually 120 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,720 Speaker 1: may be times when you've just outgrown your friends because 121 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:06,160 Speaker 1: you're in different phases of your life. You grow at 122 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:09,480 Speaker 1: different paces, you may have hit different milestones at different ages. 123 00:06:09,839 --> 00:06:11,960 Speaker 1: But they haven't done anything wrong, and you're not better 124 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:15,119 Speaker 1: than them. They're not bad people. You don't dislike them. 125 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,920 Speaker 1: You're just living different lives than you used to, and 126 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,640 Speaker 1: that is so okay. I have friends who used to 127 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,159 Speaker 1: be so close, so I would see them every single 128 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,320 Speaker 1: day at least or like four times a week, and 129 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,599 Speaker 1: then they had children, and so naturally for us, that 130 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,680 Speaker 1: kind of shifted our friendship the timings that we had available. 131 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,080 Speaker 1: They wanted to be friends with other people who had 132 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,120 Speaker 1: children so that they could all be friends together. It 133 00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:38,039 Speaker 1: makes sense for their family unit. Am I upset with 134 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:40,800 Speaker 1: them for that? Absolutely not. I actually see how beautiful 135 00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:44,120 Speaker 1: it is. But I think that's also so natural to have. 136 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,200 Speaker 1: You know, my friends who are single feel different with 137 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:49,080 Speaker 1: their friends who are married. Now it's just a natural shift. 138 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,440 Speaker 1: And so I'm actually going to stick with scenarios. I'm 139 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,839 Speaker 1: going to help you to notice when you're outgrowing friends 140 00:06:54,839 --> 00:06:57,240 Speaker 1: that maybe aren't that great for you. But if it 141 00:06:57,279 --> 00:07:00,680 Speaker 1: is a friendship that's being outgrown naturally because of shifts 142 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,919 Speaker 1: in stages of life, that's something you really have to 143 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,760 Speaker 1: be okay with. And you have to realize that that 144 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,000 Speaker 1: may mean you also have to shift because they've chosen 145 00:07:10,040 --> 00:07:12,640 Speaker 1: to have children, they've chosen to get married, whatever it is. 146 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,160 Speaker 1: You can't be stuck trying to hold on to the 147 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,280 Speaker 1: person that they once were. If you want them in 148 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,240 Speaker 1: your life, you're gonna have to move as time moves 149 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:23,240 Speaker 1: with them. And so listen, let's talk about whether they're 150 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,640 Speaker 1: friend or not. They're not your friend if speaking to 151 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:28,440 Speaker 1: them irritates you and greates on you more often than not. 152 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:30,240 Speaker 1: If you're speaking to them and they are annoying you 153 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:33,520 Speaker 1: most of the time, that is not friendship. You should 154 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,800 Speaker 1: be having positive interactions with your friends at least most 155 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:38,160 Speaker 1: of the time. Yeah, friends can be annoying sometimes, they 156 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:41,560 Speaker 1: definitely can, but you shouldn't feel that way most of 157 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,640 Speaker 1: the time when talking to them. They're not your friend. 158 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,560 Speaker 1: If you can only call them or think of them 159 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:49,800 Speaker 1: to pass time or in moments of boredom. You have 160 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,160 Speaker 1: to remember there's only so much spare time that you 161 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:55,720 Speaker 1: get to invest in and build relationships, So who do 162 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,400 Speaker 1: you want to invest it into. They're or your friend. 163 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,280 Speaker 1: If you only talk about the past or have the 164 00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:03,800 Speaker 1: same repetitive conversations over and over again, you're not discussing 165 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,720 Speaker 1: your present or your future lives. Your only topic of 166 00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:11,280 Speaker 1: conversation is other people's gossip or complaining about life. The 167 00:08:11,320 --> 00:08:14,320 Speaker 1: type of conversations you have really change your frequency and 168 00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,760 Speaker 1: the way that you are navigating life. And so if 169 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:20,280 Speaker 1: you're constantly having conversations that are at a lower frequency, 170 00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,960 Speaker 1: you're going to see the world in that way too. 171 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,640 Speaker 1: They're not your friend if there's been trust broken or 172 00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:27,840 Speaker 1: an energy shift where you no longer feel you can 173 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 1: confine in them or tell them things about your life, 174 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,680 Speaker 1: because they'll either judge you or not understand you, or 175 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:37,600 Speaker 1: not keep things to themselves. That's a big one. They 176 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,080 Speaker 1: are not your friend if they cannot let go of 177 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,720 Speaker 1: the past versions of who you were and who you 178 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,840 Speaker 1: used to be, and they keep bringing up past baggage 179 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:48,240 Speaker 1: or mistakes that you made. They just can't accept this 180 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,080 Speaker 1: current version of you. That is not a friend. That's 181 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,560 Speaker 1: someone who wants to keep you around to make themselves 182 00:08:53,559 --> 00:08:56,240 Speaker 1: feel better. They're not your friend if they don't encourage 183 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:59,320 Speaker 1: positive habits and behaviors, and if they keep bringing you 184 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:01,960 Speaker 1: back into these bad habits that you are trying to 185 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:05,560 Speaker 1: let go of. You know that saying misery needs company, 186 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,360 Speaker 1: and it is so true. They don't want you to 187 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,160 Speaker 1: change and grow because you changing for the better, it 188 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:13,280 Speaker 1: disrupts their patterns and holds up a mirror to their 189 00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,400 Speaker 1: issues that they may not be ready to look at yet. 190 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,720 Speaker 1: So they would rather keep you in it with them 191 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,959 Speaker 1: than have you grow out of it. And most of 192 00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,839 Speaker 1: the time, the more people that are involved, the less 193 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:24,760 Speaker 1: it feels like a problem. So if you're part of 194 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,520 Speaker 1: it and your friends are part of it, and they're 195 00:09:26,559 --> 00:09:28,880 Speaker 1: part of it, then it feels like you're all in 196 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:30,640 Speaker 1: it together and it's not so bad. But as soon 197 00:09:30,679 --> 00:09:34,319 Speaker 1: as someone starts flagging the problems or the issues or 198 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,920 Speaker 1: the habits that are negative, it starts disrupting the whole place, 199 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:40,360 Speaker 1: So they're not a friend if they do that. And 200 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,560 Speaker 1: you know, sometimes all we know this at the back 201 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:45,920 Speaker 1: of our mind, you know all of this. Logically, we 202 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:48,760 Speaker 1: can still find it so hard to cut ties with people. 203 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:52,160 Speaker 1: Why is it so difficult even when the evidence is clear, 204 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:56,200 Speaker 1: even when you know in your heart that it's not right? 205 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,640 Speaker 1: And to be honest, I think friendships, especially for women, 206 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,520 Speaker 1: are like full and romanticallyationships. The breakups just feel as 207 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:04,439 Speaker 1: bad and it's painful, and it may be difficult for 208 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:06,240 Speaker 1: you for many reasons. It may be because you have 209 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 1: an emotional attachment to them, whether it's nostalgia or past memories. 210 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,280 Speaker 1: They keep you remembering the good times. But if you're 211 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,280 Speaker 1: only remembering the good terms with them and you're not 212 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,880 Speaker 1: realizing what the reality with them is now, you're just 213 00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:20,080 Speaker 1: stuck in the past and not even thinking about now 214 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:23,120 Speaker 1: or the future. It may be difficult because it's comforting, 215 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,880 Speaker 1: and you need to remember that just because something has 216 00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:28,080 Speaker 1: been happening for a long time does not mean it 217 00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,839 Speaker 1: is the right thing for you. Remember, we can feel 218 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:34,480 Speaker 1: comfortable with anything if it happens long enough. Our body 219 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:38,080 Speaker 1: and our mind will choose comfort overchange, even when comfort 220 00:10:38,160 --> 00:10:41,360 Speaker 1: is not good for us. It may also be difficult 221 00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:43,880 Speaker 1: because even though you're letting go of them, it's also 222 00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:46,320 Speaker 1: letting go over a part of you or version of 223 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:49,160 Speaker 1: you that they represent a part of your own identity. 224 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:52,720 Speaker 1: It reflects what you're outgrowing in yourself. And you know what, 225 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:56,160 Speaker 1: We think grief only happens when someone dies, but actually 226 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:59,080 Speaker 1: when you let go of or lose friendships or relationships, 227 00:10:59,320 --> 00:11:02,960 Speaker 1: we experience grief too, just to a different degree, grieving 228 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 1: who we were with them, grieving their absence in your life. 229 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:09,240 Speaker 1: It's still a loss, and with loss comes grief, and 230 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,480 Speaker 1: often grieving who you used to be and trying to 231 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:15,600 Speaker 1: move forward with the person you are can be so difficult. 232 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,320 Speaker 1: I've found that really hard as well. As I've changed 233 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,280 Speaker 1: and people are like, oh, you've changed and this way, 234 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:23,200 Speaker 1: and I'm really reluctant to say I have, because I'm like, no, 235 00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,120 Speaker 1: I'm still that person I was when I lived here. 236 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,120 Speaker 1: I'm still that person I was when I went through this, 237 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,760 Speaker 1: but actually I'm not. And so you really have to 238 00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,960 Speaker 1: learn to grieve your past selves to really move past them, 239 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:36,560 Speaker 1: to be able to fully embrace who you've become and 240 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:40,360 Speaker 1: the changes that you've made. There can also be this 241 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,560 Speaker 1: feeling of guilt. I'm the only person that they have. 242 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:47,360 Speaker 1: My life has changed, but theirs hasn't. I owe it 243 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,800 Speaker 1: to them to be there for them. I have a friend, actually, 244 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,720 Speaker 1: well the few friends who've been in this situation where 245 00:11:54,160 --> 00:11:56,560 Speaker 1: he knows and has realized that his friend's settle isn't 246 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 1: helping him to create the version of himself he's striving 247 00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:02,000 Speaker 1: to be and become, and that these friends keep bringing 248 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,319 Speaker 1: him back to a version of himself that he no 249 00:12:04,360 --> 00:12:07,200 Speaker 1: longer wants to be. Habits that he's trying to desperately 250 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:09,439 Speaker 1: let go of because it's ruining him as a person, 251 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:13,360 Speaker 1: and the friendship lacks conversation. All the gatherings are focus 252 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,280 Speaker 1: around intoxication, and when he quit or tried to quit, 253 00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:21,160 Speaker 1: he realized that it kind of reduced connection and relatability 254 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,400 Speaker 1: with some of his closest friends, and when you don't 255 00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,840 Speaker 1: have an alternative, it can feel so scary to let go, 256 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,880 Speaker 1: especially if you've grown up with them or they your 257 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:31,120 Speaker 1: family members and your support system, and the fear of 258 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:33,360 Speaker 1: being lonely can often just keep you in the cycle 259 00:12:33,559 --> 00:12:35,640 Speaker 1: of doing things that you no longer want to do. 260 00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:38,120 Speaker 1: And I can so understand that it is such a 261 00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:40,520 Speaker 1: difficult position to be in, But I also think that 262 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:43,600 Speaker 1: there's good and bad in everything. Every single step away 263 00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,160 Speaker 1: from them would bring him closer to the person he 264 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,840 Speaker 1: wants to be, and maybe for a while, that means 265 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:52,440 Speaker 1: navigating what feeling alone actually is. Is it better to 266 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 1: be surrounded by people who aren't good for you or 267 00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:57,360 Speaker 1: is it better to be alone and become better and 268 00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:00,560 Speaker 1: become the version you want to be. I also don't 269 00:13:00,559 --> 00:13:02,560 Speaker 1: think everything has to be all or nothing. You don't 270 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,920 Speaker 1: have to cut all ties. It doesn't always have to 271 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,240 Speaker 1: go down like that. Like if you don't want to 272 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:09,480 Speaker 1: cut ties, you can just reduce the amount of times 273 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:12,320 Speaker 1: you see that person or people. I remember when I 274 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,200 Speaker 1: was studying the bug with Gita, it speaks about how 275 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,800 Speaker 1: to let go of something you need something higher or 276 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:21,800 Speaker 1: a higher taste to attach to. If you think about it, 277 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,000 Speaker 1: it's hard to let go of the monkey bar handle 278 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,080 Speaker 1: with one hand before you've held onto it with the 279 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,560 Speaker 1: other one and got a firm grip on it. And 280 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,559 Speaker 1: so finding those people, places, or things that you can 281 00:13:31,559 --> 00:13:33,880 Speaker 1: fill your time with that do make you feel good 282 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:38,640 Speaker 1: about yourself is so important. Finding activities, finding classes to 283 00:13:38,679 --> 00:13:40,880 Speaker 1: go to in the evening of something you want to study, 284 00:13:41,480 --> 00:13:45,120 Speaker 1: tennis classes, lessons, workouts, whatever it is that brings you 285 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:48,520 Speaker 1: a new community or just a good distraction that elevates 286 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:51,840 Speaker 1: your physical, mental, or emotional health in some way. Because 287 00:13:51,880 --> 00:13:54,400 Speaker 1: as soon as you find something that feels good, you'll 288 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,120 Speaker 1: want to keep repeating it, and you will start choosing 289 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,080 Speaker 1: it over the things that don't make you feel good. 290 00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:02,640 Speaker 1: You have to experience the feeling before you end up 291 00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:06,040 Speaker 1: wanting to repeat the action. And look, I've moved from 292 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:08,480 Speaker 1: the UK to New York to LA and each time 293 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:11,080 Speaker 1: it was at different ages and I made a whole 294 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:14,000 Speaker 1: new set of friends with every move. And yeah, it 295 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:17,200 Speaker 1: takes effort, of course, it takes time. It takes putting 296 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,800 Speaker 1: yourself out there and being bold, and it involves rejection 297 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,080 Speaker 1: and uncertainty. But oh, my goodness, it was so worth 298 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:26,520 Speaker 1: the effort. I have built friendships that are deeper and 299 00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:29,400 Speaker 1: closer to people that I have known for my whole life. 300 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:34,240 Speaker 1: But honestly, nothing that is good in life doesn't take effort. 301 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:37,000 Speaker 1: It really just depends on how much you really want it. 302 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 1: And on the flip side, if you actually feel like 303 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 1: they are good people and really you just need to 304 00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:44,120 Speaker 1: improve your relationship with them, then it just takes vulnerability. 305 00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:48,560 Speaker 1: And to get vulnerable in changing up the conversation, sharing 306 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:51,840 Speaker 1: your heart, your pains, your joys, and asking questions that 307 00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:55,400 Speaker 1: you wouldn't normally ask, reducing the small talk, and finding 308 00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:58,040 Speaker 1: ways to truly connect to each other. I remember when 309 00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,880 Speaker 1: I was younger, I had this friend's circle where everything 310 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:02,360 Speaker 1: was about gossip. It was about what everyone else was doing. 311 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:03,640 Speaker 1: You know, it was a phase of life that we 312 00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,520 Speaker 1: were in, and I realized I didn't want to be 313 00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,640 Speaker 1: that person anymore. And so whenever the conversation would go 314 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,600 Speaker 1: that way, I would shut it down or I would 315 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:15,200 Speaker 1: try and navigate it into something else, because I really 316 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:18,320 Speaker 1: wanted to upgrade my thoughts and my life. And you know, 317 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:20,520 Speaker 1: I really knew that you were only as good as 318 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:23,120 Speaker 1: the people that you surround yourself with. And so yeah, 319 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:25,600 Speaker 1: some of those friendships fizzled away and others I had 320 00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,200 Speaker 1: to find new ways and new conversations to connect to 321 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,320 Speaker 1: them and have and our friendships grew deeper and stronger 322 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:34,600 Speaker 1: and have remained that way since. You can also shift 323 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,960 Speaker 1: a friend into a different friend circle or category, redefining 324 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,640 Speaker 1: that friendship rather than cutting them out. For example, I 325 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,480 Speaker 1: have friends I work out with. It doesn't mean I'll 326 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,840 Speaker 1: go on vacation with them, but when we work out, 327 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,560 Speaker 1: we have the best time together, and our friendship starts 328 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,600 Speaker 1: and ends there. But we both love that and we 329 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:53,560 Speaker 1: have no desire to shift it into going for dinners 330 00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:57,320 Speaker 1: or hanging out, going, you know, spending deeper time together. 331 00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:59,080 Speaker 1: We just love at the time that we get to 332 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:02,040 Speaker 1: spend together working out. That's how we connect. And so 333 00:16:02,160 --> 00:16:04,960 Speaker 1: maybe a friend that you would normally go on vacation 334 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,520 Speaker 1: with that you can't stand anymore when you're on holiday 335 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,880 Speaker 1: becomes a friend that you work out with, or becomes 336 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:11,640 Speaker 1: a friend that you go on a walk with, or 337 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:14,160 Speaker 1: becomes a friend that you can only handle in group settings, 338 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,160 Speaker 1: not one on one. You just have to test the 339 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,880 Speaker 1: waters and see what you're able to tolerate, and then 340 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:20,760 Speaker 1: you can still interact with that person and have a 341 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,600 Speaker 1: great relationship, but just in a different way. If you've 342 00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,680 Speaker 1: outgrown your friends, you do not have to cut them out. 343 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:29,960 Speaker 1: Maybe you just end up redefining the friendship. Maybe it's 344 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,880 Speaker 1: as simple as seeing them less or speaking less, more 345 00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:36,280 Speaker 1: time off between conversations or meetings. Maybe one of my 346 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,920 Speaker 1: best friends from school had to take a two year 347 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:41,680 Speaker 1: break from each other because we can no longer stand 348 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,160 Speaker 1: each other, and she couldn't stand me and I couldn't 349 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,760 Speaker 1: stand her. We used to speak every single day, multiple 350 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:49,080 Speaker 1: times a day, for hours, and then one day we 351 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,320 Speaker 1: ended up speaking again, and then we ended up having 352 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,200 Speaker 1: a two year gap. We had an argument and realized 353 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:56,280 Speaker 1: that we just no longer could be in each other's 354 00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:58,440 Speaker 1: life at the time, and then one day we ended 355 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:01,240 Speaker 1: up speaking again and realizing we were both different humans 356 00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:05,280 Speaker 1: and totally started getting along again and speaking regularly. And 357 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,919 Speaker 1: it's been like that for years now. And so a 358 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:11,560 Speaker 1: break is also okay to allow people to grow and change, 359 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,639 Speaker 1: and you can always try and revisit the friendship when 360 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:17,000 Speaker 1: the time feels right. Nothing has to be definite. It's 361 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,840 Speaker 1: important to give relationships chances too. It can't always be 362 00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:23,160 Speaker 1: a cut them off, one time chance only situation, because 363 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,280 Speaker 1: that can become a lonely place too, And isn't that 364 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,800 Speaker 1: how human relationships really work. We all make mistakes at 365 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:31,919 Speaker 1: some point in life. I'll also add here that sometimes 366 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:34,800 Speaker 1: it may not be them at all. It may be 367 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,359 Speaker 1: a you thing, or it's a two way issue, and 368 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,520 Speaker 1: we have to be open to looking at our own 369 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,480 Speaker 1: weeds too. I really do believe that every single person 370 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,640 Speaker 1: comes into our life for a reason. I believe us 371 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,760 Speaker 1: so deeply. You may not at the time, but afterwards 372 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:49,840 Speaker 1: you will look back and realize that there was a 373 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,760 Speaker 1: lesson to be learned, a lesson about yourself, to teach 374 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,560 Speaker 1: us about a lesson we need to learn, to bring 375 00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,240 Speaker 1: us joy and happiness, to take us on a journey 376 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,359 Speaker 1: of emotions, and sometime to teach us what we really 377 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:04,520 Speaker 1: want and really need in our life. Also, we will change, 378 00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:07,200 Speaker 1: and it's inevitable, so how can we expect others around 379 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:10,360 Speaker 1: us not to Sometimes we change a part, and sometimes 380 00:18:10,359 --> 00:18:14,520 Speaker 1: we change together, and that is so okay. I look 381 00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:18,200 Speaker 1: back at friendships and think, damn, how beautiful was that time? 382 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,520 Speaker 1: Do I wish I had it now? No? Not really. 383 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,920 Speaker 1: But am I grateful for that person in that time, 384 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,280 Speaker 1: for the memories and the inventions that we had. Yes, absolutely, 385 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,400 Speaker 1: I remember I used to be that friend who would 386 00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:33,080 Speaker 1: want to have the conversation of breaking up, like analyzing 387 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:35,960 Speaker 1: every single thing, whose fault it was, what happened. But 388 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,919 Speaker 1: as I've grown, I've just realized a conversation isn't always needed. 389 00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,400 Speaker 1: What is really left to say that has not been 390 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,800 Speaker 1: said already? And you know what, maybe there is a 391 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:47,320 Speaker 1: conversation to be had, and that's a decision that you 392 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:51,000 Speaker 1: have to make. But ask yourself, is a conversation needed 393 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,160 Speaker 1: or kind of just fade out naturally? What's really left 394 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:57,879 Speaker 1: to say between both of us? And often when something 395 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,080 Speaker 1: isn't meant to be in your life anymore and you 396 00:19:00,080 --> 00:19:03,720 Speaker 1: stop holding on so tight, slowly a phase or washes 397 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:08,120 Speaker 1: away organically. Now, to be honest, all I really want 398 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,680 Speaker 1: is life is clean energy between people. I don't hate you, 399 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,440 Speaker 1: you don't hate me. We don't need to be best friends, 400 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,800 Speaker 1: but we can see each other and say hi, and 401 00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:21,040 Speaker 1: have zero tension or zero discomfort between us, and then 402 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,439 Speaker 1: we just go about our day happy with nothing in 403 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:27,439 Speaker 1: our mind, no bitterness, no sourness, just contentness that we 404 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:31,040 Speaker 1: had a good experience at the time when we met. Seriously, 405 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:34,199 Speaker 1: friendships are really like romantic relationships, and honestly, I think 406 00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,399 Speaker 1: that makes sense because friendships should be taken just as 407 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:41,800 Speaker 1: seriously as relationships, because having a community is just so important. 408 00:19:42,119 --> 00:19:44,720 Speaker 1: We are made to connect and thrive when we live 409 00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,920 Speaker 1: within a larger community. Is how our ancestors lived and 410 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:52,280 Speaker 1: thrived too. It's actually hard and nowadays building these meaningful connections, 411 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:55,199 Speaker 1: So don't give up too easily, and make sure you 412 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,800 Speaker 1: pour energy and effort into the connections that mean the 413 00:19:57,840 --> 00:19:59,800 Speaker 1: most to you. And So if you're someone that's really 414 00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:03,320 Speaker 1: even struggling with your friendships lately, there's two things I recommend. 415 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,919 Speaker 1: Going through these lists that I mentioned and seeing what 416 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,159 Speaker 1: areas you're really struggling with that person, and seeing what 417 00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:12,639 Speaker 1: the trigger points are with that person. But then also 418 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,840 Speaker 1: going through it in your mind about yourself. What is 419 00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,879 Speaker 1: it that I could change, How is it that I 420 00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:21,399 Speaker 1: am changing that's no longer fitting this person or this 421 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,560 Speaker 1: version of this person that I used to be able 422 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:26,199 Speaker 1: to connect to so deeply. And it may be that 423 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:27,919 Speaker 1: you need to make a shift, and it may be 424 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:30,160 Speaker 1: that they need to make a shift and often having 425 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,840 Speaker 1: that conversation that, hey, when you do this, it really 426 00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:35,919 Speaker 1: doesn't sit well with me anymore. And I think sometimes 427 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,199 Speaker 1: we forget how much can be lost in assumption that 428 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:44,120 Speaker 1: we keep in our mind, misinterpretation of things, misanalyzing things. 429 00:20:44,359 --> 00:20:46,840 Speaker 1: Small actions can tend so big in our mind just 430 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:51,119 Speaker 1: because we do not communicate with the other person. And 431 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:52,879 Speaker 1: so if it is a relationship that has a lot 432 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:56,520 Speaker 1: of love left in it, having an open conversation about 433 00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:59,240 Speaker 1: the things that you can no longer handle with them 434 00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:02,240 Speaker 1: a beautiful place to change and a beautiful place to 435 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:05,439 Speaker 1: start off a new chapter of your friendship. And you 436 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,439 Speaker 1: know what, we all have this inner voice that tells 437 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,000 Speaker 1: us when things are not sitting right, which we usually 438 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:15,320 Speaker 1: end up ignoring. And so you will know when something 439 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,400 Speaker 1: doesn't feel right. You will know when a friendship does 440 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,560 Speaker 1: not feel right anymore. And sometimes it's also us not 441 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:23,439 Speaker 1: knowing ourselves. Like I realized, I had to really redefine 442 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:27,760 Speaker 1: and start setting standards that were important to me before 443 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,959 Speaker 1: I end up getting into a friendship and having that 444 00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,520 Speaker 1: clay in my mind. Because there are so many of 445 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,439 Speaker 1: us who actually don't know what we are looking for. 446 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,159 Speaker 1: Just like in a relationship, What are you looking for 447 00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:38,120 Speaker 1: in a friendship? What are your needs in a friendship? 448 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:40,400 Speaker 1: How do you like to communicate? Like, really being clear 449 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:43,040 Speaker 1: about that before you even start friendships. It's so important 450 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:46,280 Speaker 1: because otherwise you cannot know, and then things start annoying you. 451 00:21:46,359 --> 00:21:48,040 Speaker 1: And it's like, had you said that from the beginning, 452 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,560 Speaker 1: the person probably wouldn't have been appealing to you, or 453 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:52,879 Speaker 1: you would have been very mindful of those things before 454 00:21:52,920 --> 00:21:56,439 Speaker 1: even getting close to that person. And those of us 455 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,879 Speaker 1: who are in the process of actually breaking that people 456 00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:02,240 Speaker 1: pleasing pattern or that pattern that I was mentioning earlier, 457 00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:05,520 Speaker 1: of the feeling of being needed, will probably outgrow more 458 00:22:05,560 --> 00:22:08,359 Speaker 1: friendships than most because you end up letting go of 459 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:12,080 Speaker 1: the problematic behaviors that made those relationships possible in the 460 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:14,720 Speaker 1: first place. And so when you're letting go of those 461 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:18,359 Speaker 1: behaviors and those habits, naturally those people fall away with 462 00:22:18,440 --> 00:22:21,120 Speaker 1: them because you're no longer useful to them in that way, 463 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:23,000 Speaker 1: and they can no longer see you in the way 464 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,600 Speaker 1: because you're not allowing them to have the same access 465 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:28,040 Speaker 1: than that they were used to having, and that shift 466 00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:30,680 Speaker 1: can seem like, Oh, they just don't care about me anymore. 467 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:35,000 Speaker 1: And it's difficult changing sometimes those relationships from relationships where 468 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:38,280 Speaker 1: they were taking to being reciprocal, because that's not how 469 00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:41,280 Speaker 1: you set the tone from the beginning. There's this really 470 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:43,200 Speaker 1: great diagram, and if you think about it in your head, 471 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:45,639 Speaker 1: you can probably visualize it where it's all the different 472 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:48,160 Speaker 1: circles of friendships all the way to the intimate ones 473 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,720 Speaker 1: and all the way out to acquaintances. So you know, 474 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,800 Speaker 1: the first circle on the outside is acquaintances, people that 475 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:57,359 Speaker 1: you you know high by don't ever get into deep conversations. 476 00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,600 Speaker 1: Then you have the people that I know when I like, 477 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,880 Speaker 1: so the people that I know that I like, I've 478 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:06,080 Speaker 1: spent time with we've had some sort of interaction. Then 479 00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:08,119 Speaker 1: there's the kindred spirits or you know, the people that 480 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,000 Speaker 1: you just met and from the first day that you 481 00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:14,520 Speaker 1: met them, you felt this connection with them. And then 482 00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:18,679 Speaker 1: it's your friends. You're like the friends that feel like 483 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:20,840 Speaker 1: family who are in the inner circle. We also have 484 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,720 Speaker 1: to realize there's going to be more and more as 485 00:23:22,720 --> 00:23:26,080 Speaker 1: the circles go outwards, and so don't expect yourself to 486 00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:29,639 Speaker 1: have one hundred friends in that smallest circle in the middle, 487 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:32,040 Speaker 1: because there's not enough space for them. In your life, 488 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,679 Speaker 1: like and they are few and far between because it 489 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,280 Speaker 1: is such a special connection. And so if you are 490 00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:39,200 Speaker 1: let anger of people, you should also think how many 491 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,320 Speaker 1: people do I already have in my life that take 492 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,800 Speaker 1: up that space? Do I need more of those in 493 00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,720 Speaker 1: my life? Or am I trying to keep too many 494 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:48,199 Speaker 1: within this circle when we than men for one of 495 00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:51,000 Speaker 1: the other ones. The problem is in this culture, many 496 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,040 Speaker 1: of us feel like a healthy or happy friendship is 497 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:58,200 Speaker 1: one that's constantly the same and grows forward forever. One 498 00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,880 Speaker 1: that gets bigger or more important, takes up more time 499 00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:04,040 Speaker 1: and takes up more space with every single year, And 500 00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,320 Speaker 1: that when a relationship does ebb and flow and have 501 00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:08,879 Speaker 1: its ups and downs, that something is wrong or bad, 502 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:12,000 Speaker 1: rather than actually seeing it as a natural function of 503 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,560 Speaker 1: all relationships and how relationships are supposed to go. So 504 00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:18,080 Speaker 1: when you're actually trying to place a friend into a category, 505 00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,240 Speaker 1: these are the questions you have to ask yourself, like 506 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:23,320 Speaker 1: how often do I communicate with this person? More forms 507 00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:26,280 Speaker 1: of communication do we even use? How often do I 508 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:29,760 Speaker 1: spend time with this person? What topics am I comfortable 509 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,439 Speaker 1: talking to them about? Like, honestly, I'm the type of 510 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:36,280 Speaker 1: person I don't tell many people most things about my life. 511 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,280 Speaker 1: They may see it, they may hear about it from 512 00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:41,240 Speaker 1: other people, but there are very few people I can 513 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:44,600 Speaker 1: count on my hand one hand how many people I 514 00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:48,359 Speaker 1: truly voice things to or share things with. There's that 515 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,560 Speaker 1: idea in your mind that if your best friends you 516 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:52,760 Speaker 1: have to talk about everything and share everything. No, I 517 00:24:52,800 --> 00:24:56,360 Speaker 1: think that's such a young minded version of friendship. There's 518 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,359 Speaker 1: different friends that you could have for different things, and 519 00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,159 Speaker 1: I think that's also important to remember, but that you 520 00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,840 Speaker 1: don't even have to tell your best friend everything. Maybe 521 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:06,320 Speaker 1: you have different best friends for different reasons and different 522 00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:09,800 Speaker 1: points of areas that you really connect to. Also, ask yourself, 523 00:25:09,840 --> 00:25:11,960 Speaker 1: what is my expectation of this person and what's the 524 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,919 Speaker 1: expectation of me? When you realize the expectation of you 525 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,080 Speaker 1: may be larger than what you're able to give, that 526 00:25:17,119 --> 00:25:20,640 Speaker 1: may also shift where that friend lies in your friend's circle. 527 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:24,439 Speaker 1: And lastly, do I enjoy my time with this person? 528 00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:27,560 Speaker 1: Do I feel like I'm gaining and receiving things that 529 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:29,600 Speaker 1: I need in my life from this person in this 530 00:25:29,760 --> 00:25:32,600 Speaker 1: moment of time. Thank you so much for listening. I 531 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:36,040 Speaker 1: really hope that this helps you to create better friendships. 532 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,719 Speaker 1: Deeper friendships, friendships with more meaning. It gives you a 533 00:25:39,760 --> 00:25:42,840 Speaker 1: thoughtful place to start to really notice whether you have 534 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,600 Speaker 1: friends in your life that you no longer have space for, 535 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:48,359 Speaker 1: but also makes you realize maybe there are areas that 536 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,440 Speaker 1: you also need to change, and maybe that places where 537 00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:53,960 Speaker 1: you need to let go to create better friendships in 538 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:57,159 Speaker 1: your life. I hope this was useful. Would love to 539 00:25:57,160 --> 00:25:58,879 Speaker 1: know if you end up listening to it, let me know, 540 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:02,600 Speaker 1: send me your thoughts and ideas and feedback. I appreciate 541 00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:04,399 Speaker 1: you will so much. Thank you all so much for listening. 542 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:05,320 Speaker 1: See you next time.