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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha. I'm welcome to.

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Speaker 2: Stuff I never told you, protection of my heart ideo.

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Speaker 1: And welcome to another happy hour way in the future,

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Speaker 1: like and we are from the past now because we

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Speaker 1: are getting a little ahead because Joey Duty has cursed

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Speaker 1: us once again, and we are trying to get things

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Speaker 1: done just in case one of us is out. One

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Speaker 1: of us being me and mine is not going to

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Speaker 1: be as interesting as yours. Anie, I don't think all

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Speaker 1: of my questionnaires seems to be about insurance fraud, so

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Speaker 1: I'll come back and report. Maybe I'm all have it,

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Speaker 1: who knows. But anyway, with this happy hour, we're not

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Speaker 1: being currently sponsored by any other things that we talk about.

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Speaker 1: Love to change some of those things. I'm sure if

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Speaker 1: you're doing happy hour activities, do so responsibly. We trust

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Speaker 1: you to make good choices. Annie, are you sipping on

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Speaker 1: something anything for this happy hour?

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Speaker 2: I have both coffee and wine, which is fun because

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Speaker 2: it's actually a Friday. We don't normally record on Fridays,

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Speaker 2: and it's we are trying to get ahead, so there's

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Speaker 2: been a lot of stress and pressure. Drink responsibly, But yes,

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Speaker 2: that's what I'm sitting.

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Speaker 1: On You know, we're gonna pretend that like it's a

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Speaker 1: brunch happy hour. Kay, yeah, sure, so that works. I

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Speaker 1: think it's interesting, it's very I like it anyway. I, however,

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Speaker 1: will say I'm not drinking because not necessarily because I

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Speaker 1: don't want to, just because it makes me sleepy. And

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Speaker 1: now all these articles are coming out about like the

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Speaker 1: Asian flush if you know what I'm talking about, you know,

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Speaker 1: and how they're like, hey, this is actually a warning sign.

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Speaker 1: Your body's trying to shut down because it doesn't like alcohol,

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Speaker 1: so don't do that. So now I'm hyper like I

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Speaker 1: kind of always knew that, So consuming happy hour beverages

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Speaker 1: does do that to me more, and it's been doing

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Speaker 1: it more and more if I have a cocktail. So

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Speaker 1: I'm doing less and less, less and less just putting

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Speaker 1: that out there, But with that, I am doing some

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Speaker 1: other things that are more and more so Annie, I

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Speaker 1: will say, as of late, I've realized that I'm kind

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Speaker 1: of growing more into the lovable, wholesome things, which we

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Speaker 1: kind of talked about just recently when it came to

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Speaker 1: like gen z culture. And when I talk about wholesome,

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Speaker 1: I also think about like childhood joys. So we will

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Speaker 1: be doing a spoiled Saturday, Hello everybody for k pop

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Speaker 1: Demon Hunters, and with that comes a lot of feelings

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Speaker 1: for me. Part of that is kind of this wish

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Speaker 1: that I had had something like that in my childhood,

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Speaker 1: wishing that I had that type of representation because of

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Speaker 1: the importance of seeing that and how significant thing that

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Speaker 1: kind of calledlture is that embraces my ethnicity and my

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Speaker 1: culture more so than being shamed, which is still a

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Speaker 1: part of me. Like when Papop d even Hunters came

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Speaker 1: out originally, and I'll talk more about this, I was

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Speaker 1: really kind of reticent because it was a cartoon, and

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Speaker 1: I'm not a huge fan of cartoons. B Uh. It

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Speaker 1: did idolize, for the lack of better terms, some of

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Speaker 1: the things of Korean culture I don't love. But also yeah,

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Speaker 1: because it also felt really childish as a musical cartoon,

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Speaker 1: you know, like it literally says kids on the label.

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Speaker 1: But with that that that there's something to this point

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Speaker 1: that I'm like, but I really like it, and I've

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Speaker 1: gotten to the point that I love it, Like I've

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Speaker 1: watched it a lot. I've watched it on your level

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Speaker 1: of watching something that you love, Annie, Like that's the

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Speaker 1: joy that it brings me, the moments that I have

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Speaker 1: where I'm like, I feel like celebrating this and not

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Speaker 1: seeing them as a caricature, not seeing them as a sidekick,

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Speaker 1: you know, a little minor role, but also the joy

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Speaker 1: of feeling of these poppy songs. So to me, K

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Speaker 1: pop also seems very childish too, and like it's it's

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Speaker 1: very cheeky, you know, it's very like easy sounds. You dance,

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Speaker 1: you dance around, and I love dancing, you know, I

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Speaker 1: love dancing, but more and more just talking thinking about

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Speaker 1: the things that I'm now allowing myself to like childish things.

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Speaker 1: For the lack of better terms, my partner just bought

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Speaker 1: me awaited Highland Cow, a stuffed animal, and of course

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Speaker 1: as a kid, I did have stuffed animals, but I

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Speaker 1: didn't get attached to them. I got attached to one

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Speaker 1: because it was similar to a toy that was sent

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Speaker 1: to me when I was first being told that I

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Speaker 1: was being adopted. It was a yellow Teddy bear and

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Speaker 1: that was one of the first toys I've ever had,

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Speaker 1: so growing up in the orphanage, growing up at in

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Speaker 1: South Korea, I never had toys. Anytime someone bought me

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Speaker 1: things it was taken away from me and told me

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Speaker 1: that I had earn it and I never could. I

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Speaker 1: was never good enough as a kid to earn that.

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Speaker 1: So I would see the toys like being hidden away

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Speaker 1: from me, letting me know that if I didn't earn

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Speaker 1: my keep as a four or five year old, that

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Speaker 1: I was not allowed to have these things. So I

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Speaker 1: had one attachment to this bear because in South Korea

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Speaker 1: when my family, my adopted family, sent me a little

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Speaker 1: care package, Hey, welcome to the family. Essentially it was

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Speaker 1: a little cute yellow bear. So excited it got stolen

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Speaker 1: immediately because we didn't have toys, and the orphanages like

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Speaker 1: obviously I don't say I say this, and like what

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Speaker 1: you think of orphanages. Yeah, yeah, that's about right. So

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Speaker 1: with that, I didn't get to have these toys and

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Speaker 1: it got stolen before I left for the US, and

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Speaker 1: I was very sad about that. But when I came

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Speaker 1: into the US, I had a little baby shower for me,

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Speaker 1: and I say a baby shower. I was eight seven eight,

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Speaker 1: so really awkward, but a I'm gonna take my toys,

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Speaker 1: and someone gave me the same bear, except the different color.

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Speaker 1: It was blue, And because I had no imagination. I

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Speaker 1: named it Blooper. I still have it, actually I carry

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Speaker 1: her about. But I still don't have like sentimental attachments

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Speaker 1: outside of that. I've never had many, like toys that

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Speaker 1: I love, like I have memories of also like now

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Speaker 1: more and more of But it felt like I was

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Speaker 1: faking my childhood. I was trying to fake being a

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Speaker 1: child half the time because I didn't enjoy all those things.

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Speaker 1: It didn't bring me as much joy. Like this is

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Speaker 1: why I don't get attached to hobbies as often. You

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Speaker 1: will see, I don't get attached to like like I'm

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Speaker 1: sentimental because it reminds me sentimentality is the remembering, but

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Speaker 1: not necessarily always the connection. So like now that I'm older,

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Speaker 1: there are things that I'm like, oh, this is amazing.

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Speaker 1: I love that. Oh this is amazing, but I feel

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Speaker 1: like I can't have that because I'm too old for this. Also, again,

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Speaker 1: like some of these childish things that I love, like

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Speaker 1: the dancing, I don't want to be seen as a

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Speaker 1: mid forty year old. You'd like, you're pretty good for

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Speaker 1: a forty something year old. I'm like no, but I

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Speaker 1: like to, you know, be patted on the back because

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Speaker 1: I'm so old and I shouldn't be able to move

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Speaker 1: type of compliments. So there are so many things because

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Speaker 1: in my mind, I'm like, I love to dance. I

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Speaker 1: love so our Zooma classes has great choreography. The people

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Speaker 1: that I get from or really have good imagination and

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Speaker 1: understand like exercising and all these things, and it makes

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Speaker 1: me sweat and I feel like I'm actually doing something

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Speaker 1: active and joyful because it's so fun, like it's to

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Speaker 1: me all these things, and I see like videos of

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Speaker 1: hip hop and numbers, I'm like, I wonder if I

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Speaker 1: could do that. I don't even try because my theory

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Speaker 1: of if I'm not immediately the best at it, I'm

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Speaker 1: not doing it at all stops me. But also because

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Speaker 1: I feel like I'm getting too old, So would I

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Speaker 1: be that cringe person pretending to dance that, you know,

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Speaker 1: if I were to start a hip hop class. I

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Speaker 1: have looked up hip hop classes. I've taken a few,

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, I really enjoy it. But there's still

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Speaker 1: something stopping me because now that I am allowing myself

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Speaker 1: to like things that are I guess that are considered

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Speaker 1: more young, I guess not childish. I feel like I'm

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Speaker 1: too old to enjoy it. I feel like it has

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Speaker 1: now gotten to the point that it's either a regression.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, eh, this might be some trauma that I

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Speaker 1: need to readdress, or that is cringe. As the young

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Speaker 1: uns tell me on the tiktoks. No one has ever

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Speaker 1: said that to my face. I want that to be noted, but.

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Speaker 2: Maybe behind your back, right.

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Speaker 1: Right right, I just I just want that to be

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Speaker 1: said because also again, like that Highland cow, and it's

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Speaker 1: actually brought me a lot of joy. My partner was

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Speaker 1: really sweet because he also knows that, like, it doesn't

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Speaker 1: make sense. Why would I buy this. I didn't even

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Speaker 1: think that I wanted it. I have bought it for

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Speaker 1: other people I can reasonably like for you have research

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Speaker 1: things that I would think, like I love that you

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Speaker 1: love it, and I love that you by enjoying it,

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Speaker 1: and I want to keep doing it, but I feel

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Speaker 1: like I can't do it, you know. And same thing

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Speaker 1: with like sending people, Like a good friend of mine

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Speaker 1: went through a lot of trauma just recently and I

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Speaker 1: sent her awaited cow including like pet loss not a cow.

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Speaker 1: I think ours is a unicorn. I could not remember.

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Speaker 1: I need to go back look anyway, she you talked

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Speaker 1: about how much she loved hers, and she's also similar

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Speaker 1: to me where we both like were grown, we're not

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Speaker 1: doing this, but then when someone gifted it to us,

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Speaker 1: it was like, oh, I really love this. I kind

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Speaker 1: of want to. You know, there's this level of wanting

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Speaker 1: to find and be into that again, Like when I

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Speaker 1: talk about K pop, even a hunter, I know this

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Speaker 1: is geared for young ones twelve, fourteen, fifteen, I've seen

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Speaker 1: twenty year even twenty year olds. I'm like, that's cool.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, I love all of the tiktoks that I

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Speaker 1: see of grown as people doing the numbers. It brings

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Speaker 1: me so much joy because there is that love of like,

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Speaker 1: oh those are things that I couldn't do as a kid.

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Speaker 1: Like I was already working at fourteen thirteen, fourteen years

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Speaker 1: old because I wanted to get a car. I was

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Speaker 1: trying to be responsible, I was trying to grow up.

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Speaker 1: I knew that if I go to college, I would

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Speaker 1: have to pay for it myself. I still have student

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Speaker 1: debt based on that. Like my debt went from one

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Speaker 1: it has gone and into like ten times what I

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Speaker 1: had originally borrowed, even though I've been paying it for

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Speaker 1: fifteen years. I've probably put in so much money, but

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Speaker 1: it has not This only increased, the debt has only increased.

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Speaker 1: So things like that, I was like, Oh, this is

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Speaker 1: this is what growing up was. And now that we're

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Speaker 1: considered grown, feels like I don't think it's too late

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Speaker 1: because I'm still going to do it, but it feels

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Speaker 1: like I'm faking my childhood a little bit, you know, mh.

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Speaker 2: Like even now. Yeah, yeah, I have a kind of different,

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Speaker 2: perhaps obviously different insecurity around it because I have had

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Speaker 2: these things that I love and I've i have to say,

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Speaker 2: I've never bought like everyone who's given me is stuff

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Speaker 2: to animal. They've always been given to me, but I've

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Speaker 2: always left them right. But I have my insecurity is that,

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Speaker 2: like you know, right now I'm getting ready to go

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Speaker 2: to Dragon Con that I I just there's there's a

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Speaker 2: worry in me that it's like you're too old for

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Speaker 2: this now. Yeah, you're too old for this now, But

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Speaker 2: I love it so much that I don't want to

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Speaker 2: give it up exactly.

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Speaker 1: I Mean that's the thing on all of this is

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Speaker 1: when we were children, when we would have been like

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Speaker 1: this would have been the perfect time or like understanding

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Speaker 1: of like, this is the timing for it. We didn't

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Speaker 1: have the money, our parents didn't have the money, we

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Speaker 1: didn't have the time, we didn't have the energy. I

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Speaker 1: don't have the energy now. But you don't like doing

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Speaker 1: things like that. I mean, I would have probably really

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Speaker 1: enjoyed Dragon Con at twenty something, but that's this expensive Annie.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, and it's exhausting.

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Speaker 1: It is very It is exhausting. The energy I would

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Speaker 1: have had would have been in my twenties, so I

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Speaker 1: would have said. But also I had the lower self esteem.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's another issue that I read it through a

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Speaker 2: lot too.

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Speaker 1: There's like that. And also so I was also thinking

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Speaker 1: about this because I used to love to write. My

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Speaker 1: imagination was real dark. My my stories were real dark.

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Speaker 1: But it feels like it's kind of gone away because

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Speaker 1: we live in such dark times. Yeah, that it's no

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Speaker 1: longer just stories, you know, Like there's so much to that.

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Speaker 1: So the timing of all of this feels like grieving.

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Speaker 1: I guess this is the best way to put it.

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Speaker 1: And there's so much. Again, I don't think I'm old.

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Speaker 1: I look at myself and there's moments and I'm like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I've lost this, this and this and this and these

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Speaker 1: are the things that are happening to the things and now,

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Speaker 1: my god, there it is. My knees don't bend all

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Speaker 1: the way. This is not good. But at the same time,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, but I am a dink, I don't have

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Speaker 1: a kid, I do have dual income household. We are

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Speaker 1: joyful and can travel. But and we can. It's more

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Speaker 1: accessible now than it ever was. And the traveling part

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Speaker 1: is not the problem, honestly, obviously. It's the enjoying of

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Speaker 1: other things that may be typically my age would have

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Speaker 1: never done. We should be at home with our kids,

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Speaker 1: worrying about school and clothes, you know, all these things,

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Speaker 1: and not that that takes away from it. And I

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Speaker 1: don't think there's judgment in that, as in fact, I

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Speaker 1: think it's become more and more accepted. We know, actually

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Speaker 1: it's become more and more accepted for my type of lifestyle.

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Speaker 1: But again there's that back and forth. Am I too old?

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Speaker 1: Is this too much for me? Like? Even the way

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Speaker 1: we dress, even what we like like again, like me

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Speaker 1: coming into k pop. A part of that has to

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Speaker 1: do with my trauma and fear of being seen as

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Speaker 1: too Korean when I'm not Korean enough, Like it just

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Speaker 1: happened in the last ten years, and then in the

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Speaker 1: last five years I've really enjoyed it and try to

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Speaker 1: embrace it. I'm finally coming to the point of embracing

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Speaker 1: my Korean adoptee status and trying to link up with

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Speaker 1: Korean adopted status, when for so long that was a

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Speaker 1: trigger to be like, no, I can't be like them,

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Speaker 1: I'm not like them type of conversation, which is absurd

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Speaker 1: because at the same time I was trying to seek

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Speaker 1: community a lot of this and I'm not the only one.

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Speaker 1: The same thing is like thinking about my adoption, birth

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Speaker 1: parent adventures, still talking about doing podcasts. I don't know

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Speaker 1: what I want to do. I think it's almost too

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Speaker 1: late all these things. But like I did discover some

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Speaker 1: more information about my birth parents and they're fairly younger,

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Speaker 1: a lot younger than I thought they would be. Actually

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Speaker 1: they're about five to six younger than my actual adoptive parents,

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Speaker 1: which threw me. And I now know my mother's last

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Speaker 1: name family name, which is not the same as mine.

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Speaker 1: Like all of these things, I talked about this with

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Speaker 1: my name about like could I change my name back?

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Speaker 1: But is it too late? Am I too old for

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Speaker 1: these new things? And I am trying to figure this

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Speaker 1: out in such a way that doesn't seem constructive, because again,

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Speaker 1: there are things and moments that the inner dialogue just

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Speaker 1: battles with. You'll hear the joy I'm gonna I've already

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Speaker 1: kind of tear up because I'm excited about talking about

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Speaker 1: why the significance of a movie like K Pop Demon

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Speaker 1: Hunter becoming mainstream in the US and in the Western culture,

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Speaker 1: why that's so significant for me, and wishing that I

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Speaker 1: can I had this as a kid, because I feel

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Speaker 1: like I missed the timing to really love this, to

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Speaker 1: really love this, to be able to dress up like

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Speaker 1: actually what it costs you idea? I dressed up as

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Speaker 1: Mulan and that's not my culture at all, and I

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Speaker 1: did a really bad job because I found a robe

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Speaker 1: and put my hair in a bun. Anyway, so so

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Speaker 1: many things that I feel like I've missed out, and

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Speaker 1: so many things that I'm trying to trying to come

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Speaker 1: to terms with enjoying that feels like I should have

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Speaker 1: done this thirty years ago. You know, this is not

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Speaker 1: a happy hour? Is this a rambling thought of growing old?

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Speaker 1: In an identity that never formulated in my life is

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Speaker 1: formulating now. I guess am I the only one friends

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Speaker 1: who is really getting to this point or really try

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Speaker 1: to enjoy childhood things now that childhood has passed.

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Speaker 2: I don't think so. I also think this kind of

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Speaker 2: sounds like what Raquel Willis talked about when you're queer,

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Speaker 2: come out much later in life and then it feels

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Speaker 2: kind of different, feels almost like a rebirth or something. Yeah. Yeah, well, listeners,

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Speaker 2: let us know. If you have any thoughts about this.

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Speaker 2: You can email us at Hello at stuff Whenever Told

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Speaker 2: You dot com. You can find us on blue Skype

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Speaker 2: Moms a podcast, or on Instagram and TikTok at stuff

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Speaker 2: on Never Told You for also on YouTube, and we

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Speaker 2: have a book you can get wherever you get your books.

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Speaker 2: Thanks as always too, our super produced Christina are executiveroducer

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Speaker 2: My and your contribut Joey.

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Speaker 1: Thank you and thanks to you for listening stuff on

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Speaker 1: Ever Told You?

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Speaker 2: Respection of my Heart Radio. For more podcasts from my

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Speaker 2: Heart Radio, you can check out the heart Radio app

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Speaker 2: Apple Podcasts wherever you listen to your favorite show