Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce
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Speaker 1: yours today. A breakup can literally wreck your life. You
Speaker 1: could be doing so well in your career and now
Speaker 1: you show up to work in the worst mood. You
Speaker 1: could have a great relationship with your family, but now
Speaker 1: every holiday season all you can do is thing about
Speaker 1: that person. You've got a great group of friends around you.
Speaker 1: They love you, but they're all in relationships and you
Speaker 1: feel like you're behind. You feel like you're not the
Speaker 1: one who's getting proposed to, You're not the one who's
Speaker 1: moving in you're the one who's starting all over again.
Speaker 1: If you felt any of that, this episode is dedicated
Speaker 1: to you, because I want your breakup to become a
Speaker 1: moment you look back on as the greatest pivot that
Speaker 1: ever happened in your life.
Speaker 2: The number one health and wellness podcast.
Speaker 1: Jay Set Jay shetyt. At one point in life, each
Speaker 1: of us gets our heart broken. Maybe it was two
Speaker 1: years ago, maybe it was two months ago, or maybe
Speaker 1: it was two days ago, but each and every one
Speaker 1: of us knows how painful a heartbreak can be because
Speaker 1: you're not only losing that person, you're losing the perception
Speaker 1: of the life you believed you were going to have.
Speaker 1: You're losing the version of you you were with that person,
Speaker 1: and you're losing the projection of this future that you
Speaker 1: were building together. What we don't realize about breakups is
Speaker 1: that we're actually living through grief. It's this slow aching
Speaker 1: loss that doesn't have a funeral. You're mourning a future
Speaker 1: that won't happen, trying to figure it out all the sadness,
Speaker 1: the confusion, the anger, and often in the beginning, you
Speaker 1: think I wish they would stay, I wish they'd be
Speaker 1: here forever. And then sometimes you move into this phase
Speaker 1: of what did I do wrong? What could I have
Speaker 1: done differently? Could I have held on? Could I have
Speaker 1: been better? And then at some point you go between
Speaker 1: the two. At the same time, healing isn't linear, it's messy,
Speaker 1: it's raw, it's deeply personal. And so as you listen
Speaker 1: to this today, whichever stage you're at in your breakup journey,
Speaker 1: I hope it helps you. In this clip, relationship expert
Speaker 1: therapist and best selling author of Maybe You Should Talk
Speaker 1: to Someone, and one of my favorite guests on the podcast,
Speaker 1: talks about how we expect a sense of closure. We
Speaker 1: want someone to give us this feeling and understanding of
Speaker 1: why they left us, what was their reason, why did
Speaker 1: they cheat on us? If that was the case, And
Speaker 1: often we can spiral and go round and around in circles,
Speaker 1: hoping and expecting this answer, but we all know that
Speaker 1: answer rarely comes. That person's not around anymore, they don't
Speaker 1: feel a responsibility to give it to us, and closure
Speaker 1: is something we continue to chase. In this segment, she'll
Speaker 1: talk a bit about how you can find that and
Speaker 1: where it truly comes from. At the same time, she
Speaker 1: talks about how we need to acknowledge the value of
Speaker 1: what's lost. It's so important to really recognize how we've
Speaker 1: lost things in the past and the future. And she
Speaker 1: also tells us how to seek advice from our friends.
Speaker 1: We all want love, we all want support, but she
Speaker 1: gives a really clear insight to know which friends to
Speaker 1: be around when you're going through a breakup. Take a listen.
Speaker 1: I still find until this day that breakups seem to
Speaker 1: be the hardest relationship transition that people tend to go through,
Speaker 1: maybe apart from grief or maybe even similar, And I'd
Speaker 1: love your thoughts on that, but because it is a
Speaker 1: kind of loss, I think that people feel. There was
Speaker 1: one person from the audience that we were connected with
Speaker 1: that had a breakup, and they were together with this
Speaker 1: person for two years. They really thought this to the
Speaker 1: person that they were going to spend their life with.
Speaker 1: They really thought this was going in their direction. They
Speaker 1: felt that they actually had good compatibility, they were good
Speaker 1: at talking about things. But then what felt like out
Speaker 1: of the blue to this person. They just felt that
Speaker 1: this person was like, I don't think this is going
Speaker 1: in that direction anymore, and then things withered away quickly.
Speaker 1: It's hard when you kind of you know, and this
Speaker 1: is probably what you get all the time. People don't
Speaker 1: feel a sense of closure. They don't really understand the
Speaker 1: other person's not doing a good job explaining it doesn't
Speaker 1: want to or doesn't have the time. What are some
Speaker 1: of the steps that we need to take when we're
Speaker 1: kind of lost in that no person's land of I
Speaker 1: thought I had something, it doesn't exist anymore.
Speaker 3: Well, first of all, loss is exactly it's grief, and
Speaker 3: people go through the stages of grief, and the stages
Speaker 3: of grief are not sequential, so they're actually meant for
Speaker 3: people who are experiencing terminal illness, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance,
Speaker 3: but they're very apt, I think for any kind of loss.
Speaker 3: And when you talk about a breakup, there can be
Speaker 3: denial like oh, you don't really mean that we really
Speaker 3: are compatible, and you try to talk the other person into.
Speaker 4: Maybe seeing the light that they can't see.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 3: The anger is how could you have led me on
Speaker 3: for this amount of time? You're such a terrible person.
Speaker 3: You wasted all my time. You were lying to me
Speaker 3: this whole time when the person wasn't They probably truly
Speaker 3: you know, thought this was going somewhere.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 3: The bargaining is, well, what if you know you know,
Speaker 3: and the person tells you maybe why they're breaking up
Speaker 3: with you, like I don't think that we're compatible in
Speaker 3: this way, and then you try to become the thing,
Speaker 3: you know, like what if I did this, or I
Speaker 3: can be more of this, or we can do this,
Speaker 3: and they're like, no, that's not really the way this
Speaker 3: will get solved. You know, depression, which is just the whole.
Speaker 3: I mean, it's so because I think what people don't
Speaker 3: realize is it's not what you're losing just in the moment.
Speaker 3: It's you're losing the future that you had imagined. So
Speaker 3: you lose the past. You lose like all the whatever
Speaker 3: amount of time you spent with that person. You built
Speaker 3: a life with this person, and it's the dailiness. There's
Speaker 3: an intimacy to that dailiness. There's a comfort, there's a
Speaker 3: safety of this person knows all these little quirks about me.
Speaker 3: You know, we have all these inside jokes, We have
Speaker 3: a shorthand you know, this person asks how my day is.
Speaker 5: I know.
Speaker 3: It's the dailiness of being with someone.
Speaker 2: So you lose that.
Speaker 3: That's very lonely, but then you also lose the future.
Speaker 3: You had built up a whole story about what your
Speaker 3: lives were going to be like in a year, five years,
Speaker 3: ten years, twenty years gone, and you have nothing to
Speaker 3: replace it with right now because you don't know what
Speaker 3: it's going to look like yet. So the grief is real,
Speaker 3: and I think people try to downplay it. They're like,
Speaker 3: why are you so sad about this? He was a
Speaker 3: jerk or she was a jerk or whatever. It's like,
Speaker 3: I'm sad because I lost something very important to me,
Speaker 3: and your friends need to realize that instead of just
Speaker 3: demonizing the other person, they need to realize, like, you
Speaker 3: lost something really valuable in your daily life, in the present,
Speaker 3: in the future, part of your past. All of that
Speaker 3: is gone now, so that's really hard. I think the
Speaker 3: other part of them dealing with the grief is letting
Speaker 3: yourself feel it, because it's real. No matter what people
Speaker 3: I tell you, it's real. And the other part is
Speaker 3: the story that you're telling yourself about it is really important.
Speaker 3: So you might be telling yourself a story of the
Speaker 3: other person's terrible that might feel good in the moment.
Speaker 3: It might be something like I'm bad you know, like
Speaker 3: I'm not good enough. If I were only something else,
Speaker 3: this person would love me more. I'm not lovable, or
Speaker 3: I'll never find anyone right. Those are not helpful stories
Speaker 3: because it's not true. It's you were not compatible with
Speaker 3: this person for whatever reason, even though you thought you were.
Speaker 3: If the other person doesn't feel you're the right person
Speaker 3: for them, you're automatically incompatible, right. You can't make it
Speaker 3: so that well, they just don't see it. So we
Speaker 3: aren't compatible because the other person doesn't want to be
Speaker 3: with me. So many times i'll hear you know someone
Speaker 3: even without a breakup, Like someone will be dating someone
Speaker 3: and the person isn't really invested in the relationship, maybe
Speaker 3: in the way that they would like them too, and
Speaker 3: the person sitting on my couch will state, but we're
Speaker 3: so compatible, we're so perfect for each other. That person
Speaker 3: just has intimacy issues and I could just change them.
Speaker 3: Even if the breakup was about you think the person
Speaker 3: had intimacy issues, it doesn't really matter. The point is
Speaker 3: they aren't able to be with you, so you are
Speaker 3: not compatible, and so that is I think very comforting
Speaker 3: to know, like we are just not compatible, even though
Speaker 3: it hurts a lot. We're not compatible, and I have
Speaker 3: to sit with the pain of I need to know
Speaker 3: that we were not compatible and that's not going to
Speaker 3: jade me in other relationships, And I think that's the
Speaker 3: important thing. So many times we get into a new
Speaker 3: relationship after that and we punish the new person for
Speaker 3: something the old person did right like the old the
Speaker 3: old person wasn't truthful with me. So I'm going to
Speaker 3: like check your phone all the time. No, don't, don't
Speaker 3: like put someone in jail for a crime they didn't commit.
Speaker 3: So you got to really like know what are the
Speaker 3: wounds from this relationship? What am I learning from this?
Speaker 3: What does this teach me about me about the other person?
Speaker 3: And then how do I move into a new relationship
Speaker 3: with hope and with caution and holding both hope and caution.
Speaker 1: Now, this next clip is from relationship expert and my
Speaker 1: good friend Matthew Hussy. What I love about this that
Speaker 1: I think's going to help so many of you is
Speaker 1: so many of us turn a breakup into self blame.
Speaker 1: We think about all the things we got wrong, all
Speaker 1: the things we should have done better, all the things
Speaker 1: we could have done better, all the things we wish
Speaker 1: we did, and it becomes this almost self critical version
Speaker 1: of a conversation. And because you've not got the other
Speaker 1: person to talk to anymore, it's something you're going through
Speaker 1: by yourself. Matthew talks about how you can shift in
Speaker 1: this situation, how do we go from this happened to
Speaker 1: me to how can I grow from this? Listen to
Speaker 1: this clip. If you're struggling right now with blaming yourself
Speaker 1: for the breakup you just went through. Talk a bit
Speaker 1: about breakups, because I think the challenge is that everyone
Speaker 1: in their life goes through at least one or two,
Speaker 1: maybe more, really painful breakups, whether it's in fidelity, whether
Speaker 1: it's out it feels out of the blue, someone just
Speaker 1: goes Yep, not working out for me anymore, whether it's
Speaker 1: different goals and different plans and priorities that emerge over time.
Speaker 1: And I think everyone who goes through a breakup blames
Speaker 1: it on themselves. Often thinks that this is the end,
Speaker 1: there'll never be another person, and it feels like a
Speaker 1: really dark, dark, dark empty road and a lonely road.
Speaker 1: And I think it's really interesting because there's so many
Speaker 1: piece of advice and everything about like how to get
Speaker 1: over a breakup, and I've talked about that as well myself,
Speaker 1: but I just find that it seems to be a
Speaker 1: path that you have to walk and have to take
Speaker 1: and there's no real acceleration or there's not, as you said,
Speaker 1: there's not like I'm going to get over this breakup
Speaker 1: in three right, there's no timeline or deadline that you
Speaker 1: can set on here. But it's just uncomfortable and it's
Speaker 1: almost like sitting in discomfort. What do we do when
Speaker 1: we're sitting in that discomfort?
Speaker 4: Well, when you're in the depths of it, because there's
Speaker 4: different phases, right, Like there's certainly a phase of any
Speaker 4: heartbreak when it's genuine deep heartbreak where you are just
Speaker 4: questioning your existence where you are like.
Speaker 6: This.
Speaker 4: You know, I remember having my own heart broken and
Speaker 4: sitting on the door the doorstep of my house with
Speaker 4: a friend of mine and just with tears in my
Speaker 4: eyes saying to him, I just feel like I'm not
Speaker 4: good enough. Like that was my deep sense, was that
Speaker 4: I am not good enough, and if I was good enough,
Speaker 4: I would have been able to make this work. And
Speaker 4: that's it's a horrible place to be. And you know,
Speaker 4: we have to have compassion for ourselves in those times
Speaker 4: because it's brutally difficult. It's a time where we just
Speaker 4: need love and we need to celebrate the fact that
Speaker 4: we got through another day and that we got I
Speaker 4: managed to get out of bed today, and you know,
Speaker 4: it was an act of it was a heroic act
Speaker 4: for me to just get out of bed. We then
Speaker 4: have to you know, I always think that all of
Speaker 4: these moments give us gears that we wouldn't have had otherwise.
Speaker 4: And the worst pain of my life has given me
Speaker 4: access to gears that I didn't know I had. And
Speaker 4: as much as no one wants to hear it when
Speaker 4: they're in it, those gears turn out to be really valuable.
Speaker 4: They really do. I mean, we all choose suffering in
Speaker 4: our lives, like we choose to go to the gym's
Speaker 4: choosing suffering. We choose like to write a book, choosing
Speaker 4: a form of suffering, we choose to make a podcast,
Speaker 4: or we choose to climb a literal mountain, or like
Speaker 4: we choose pain in our lives regularly because we know
Speaker 4: that it gives us there are benefits to be had.
Speaker 4: I have to argue that the benefit I have gotten
Speaker 4: from the pain that I didn't choose has been no
Speaker 4: less valuable than the benefit I've gotten from the pain
Speaker 4: I did choose. In fact, actually, I think the most
Speaker 4: valuable pain I've ever had is the pain I didn't choose.
Speaker 4: And when you realize that, you can kind of almost
Speaker 4: I think, look at some of the worst moments of
Speaker 4: your life as like a menu of pain, and beside
Speaker 4: the item on the menu is the very specific, unique
Speaker 4: benefits that can only come from this kind of pain,
Speaker 4: and you can kind of imagine yourself choosing retroactively choosing
Speaker 4: that pain, which is a very valuable thing to do.
Speaker 4: Because I was told by a psychologist about an experiment
Speaker 4: on rats where one rat was on a wheel and
Speaker 4: was just given, you know, like the free reign to
Speaker 4: just run whenever it wanted to run. There was another rat,
Speaker 4: this was Rat A. Rap B was connected to that wheel.
Speaker 4: He was on another wheel that was connected to Rat
Speaker 4: A's wheel, and any time Rat A chose to run,
Speaker 4: Rap B had to run right, So both doing the
Speaker 4: same amount of exercising. But at the end of the experiment,
Speaker 4: rat A shows all the positive markers of exercise and
Speaker 4: rap B shows all the negative markers of stress. Oh wow,
Speaker 4: same amount of exercise was the difference. Well, rat A
Speaker 4: chose to run, rap B didn't. And there's something profound
Speaker 4: about that to me, because if we can take a
Speaker 4: situation that we didn't choose, who would choose to be heartbroken?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 4: It's the worst, it's a terrible pain. But what if
Speaker 4: in that pain you did realize, like, there is something
Speaker 4: here that I'm going to gain from this experience that
Speaker 4: I couldn't have any other way. That if I look
Speaker 4: on that menu of pain, this one has some really
Speaker 4: good benefits, like this one has some really amazing stuff.
Speaker 4: Who I'm going to have to become to get through this?
Speaker 4: What I'm going to have to learn. The way I'm
Speaker 4: going to have to get comfortable, even just to get
Speaker 4: through a weekend right now on my own is it
Speaker 4: is going to be this unbelievable feat and to get
Speaker 4: comfortable in my own company and to sit in this pain,
Speaker 4: and there are such profound benefits from that. What if
Speaker 4: I did actually look at those benefits and say they're
Speaker 4: so powerful that I'm going to choose this pain so
Speaker 4: that I can experience those benefits. And so you turn
Speaker 4: yourself from rat B to rat A, and all of
Speaker 4: a sudden, you're not a victim of that pain anymore.
Speaker 4: You're the beneficiary of these exquisite gifts that you could
Speaker 4: only get this way, and that only there's one tool
Speaker 4: I've used to get through some of the worst, worst
Speaker 4: pain of my life. And then on a practice and
Speaker 4: on a psychological level, with heartbreak, what I always remind
Speaker 4: people is that if anyone who doesn't choose you cannot
Speaker 4: be for you. They if they don't see you like
Speaker 4: what is a relationship. It's someone sees you, they accept you,
Speaker 4: and they want that. That's the most beautiful part of
Speaker 4: a relationship. So if someone doesn't see you and accept
Speaker 4: you and want what they see, then this relationship is
Speaker 4: missing the most beautiful part of any relationship. It shouldn't
Speaker 4: even be you know, it shouldn't be desirable at that
Speaker 4: stage because it's not. It has failed the fundamental test
Speaker 4: of what makes a relationship worth having. We're not talking
Speaker 4: about a person who you know, in at least the
Speaker 4: case I feel, we're talking about the person who was
Speaker 4: taken from us by life. We're talking about a person
Speaker 4: who's just walking around somewhere, still existing on the planet,
Speaker 4: but choosing not to be with us. That should lose
Speaker 4: its romance to us, you know, and to say, well,
Speaker 4: if that's the other game we play is if it
Speaker 4: was a different time in life, if they were a
Speaker 4: bit older, they would have been ready to commit, If
Speaker 4: they had been in a different phase where they weren't
Speaker 4: so busy with their work, they might have had the
Speaker 4: space to really give to this relationship. But they said
Speaker 4: their work isn't allowing them to. If it's like, we
Speaker 4: go through all these scenarios where it forces us into
Speaker 4: this sad love song of right person, wrong time, and
Speaker 4: that's a really like pernicious story. That's a very dangerous
Speaker 4: story because it takes what belongs in the realm of
Speaker 4: science fiction and brings it into our reality. When we're
Speaker 4: thinking about an X from like five years ago and
Speaker 4: we're like, I miss them. I don't know why. You know,
Speaker 4: you don't even know who they are anymore. That was
Speaker 4: five years ago. They're a different person now in many ways.
Speaker 4: You're a different person now in anyway if you've got
Speaker 4: together now, you'd be getting together as different people. You miss.
Speaker 4: A ghost person doesn't exist anymore in the way that
Speaker 4: you think they do, you know, And when you're saying, oh,
Speaker 4: if only we met five years from now, it would
Speaker 4: have worked in what parallel universe? It's this is science fiction, like,
Speaker 4: it's not. It didn't happen in this universe. So it's
Speaker 4: it's like it is wishing for a parallel universe where
Speaker 4: everything all the Domino's unfolded in a different way. It's
Speaker 4: not this universe. So we just we have to get
Speaker 4: out of this mindset because it gets us bought into
Speaker 4: a science fiction story that doesn't really exist. I don't
Speaker 4: believe in the right person at the wrong time. It's
Speaker 4: the right person is right in their personality, they're ready,
Speaker 4: and their life is compatible with yours. If you're missing
Speaker 4: one of those three things, then it's not the right person.
Speaker 4: The right person has to be more than someone who
Speaker 4: you have a great time with and you like who
Speaker 4: they are and have great conversation and great intimacy. That
Speaker 4: can't That's not the only criteria for someone who's right.
Speaker 4: So we have to stop telling ourself the story that
Speaker 4: someone who you know broke up with us, or it
Speaker 4: was bad timing or whatever, is the right person for us.
Speaker 4: That is a That is just a story. It is
Speaker 4: not reality. The right person is the person. It happens
Speaker 4: with I.
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Speaker 1: make sure you use the code on Purpose. I'm sure
Speaker 1: you've thought about this before. We all have this feeling
Speaker 1: did I meet the right person at the wrong time
Speaker 1: or did I meet the wrong person at the right time,
Speaker 1: And we can kind of get lost in that phase.
Speaker 1: This next clip from Stefan Speaks is for you. If
Speaker 1: you're one of those people who's wondering, Ah, did I
Speaker 1: just lose the right person for me? Did I just
Speaker 1: let go of the person who I was meant to
Speaker 1: spend my life with. Did I just make a mistake
Speaker 1: and lose the right person and meet them at the
Speaker 1: wrong time. This clip is going to help you make
Speaker 1: sense of that. What he's also going to talk about
Speaker 1: is the impact it has on us when our partner
Speaker 1: no longer wants to communicate with us. Maybe you're in
Speaker 1: a relationship where your partner doesn't like to have difficult conversations.
Speaker 1: Maybe they don't like to talk about emotions. Maybe they
Speaker 1: don't have the capacity to go to that depth with you,
Speaker 1: And if they're getting everything else right, maybe it's possible.
Speaker 1: But if you're starting a field is weakening the relationship.
Speaker 1: Stefan speaks really clearly on how to make a decision.
Speaker 1: So if you're stuck in that point, this clip's really
Speaker 1: going to help you as well. And if you're someone
Speaker 1: who feels like you keep making the same mistakes, maybe
Speaker 1: keep picking the same person, just someone that looks different.
Speaker 1: Maybe you keep being too needy or too wanting or
Speaker 1: too demanding, or maybe you always end up trying to
Speaker 1: fix their problems and solve their life. If you found
Speaker 1: a recurring pattern in your relationship and you want to
Speaker 1: know how to interrupt it and break it, this clips
Speaker 1: for you. Take a listen.
Speaker 5: Letting go doesn't always mean it can't work out later.
Speaker 5: It's just that it cannot work out under these circumstances,
Speaker 5: all right. Because some people say, well, I feel like
Speaker 5: they're the one. Okay, maybe they are, but maybe the
Speaker 5: time is not right, And it's letting go that will
Speaker 5: allow you both to do what needs to be done
Speaker 5: in your own personal lives, that will allow you to
Speaker 5: come back together and have something way more amazing. So
Speaker 5: that's number one thing to consider. But outside of that,
Speaker 5: it's when one if that person is unwilling to put
Speaker 5: in the work necessary, it's time to go. There's like
Speaker 5: so many times I'll I'll have a video go up
Speaker 5: about communication and someone will comment saying I've tried talking
Speaker 5: to him and he doesn't want to talk to me.
Speaker 6: And in my and I'm like, but why are you
Speaker 6: still with them? If he refuses to talk to you.
Speaker 6: You've already tried. There's nothing else to do. But people
Speaker 6: will let it linger on and continue why they can
Speaker 6: why they consistently complain or unhappy about this specific issue.
Speaker 6: It's not gonna magically get better. They're not gonna just
Speaker 6: change it just because all of a sudden they see,
Speaker 6: oh it needs to change. No, if they're fighting it now,
Speaker 6: they have no reason to change it. And what people
Speaker 6: have to understand, you know, especially with this whole trying
Speaker 6: to fix people up, healing and facing your traumas is
Speaker 6: one of the hardest things.
Speaker 2: For people to do.
Speaker 5: So if they already have you in their life, they're
Speaker 5: essentially getting the incentive or the benefit of relationship without
Speaker 5: having to do the deeper work. It's almost like if
Speaker 5: I'm at a job and the job says you need
Speaker 5: to have a master's degree to work here, but we're
Speaker 5: gonna hire you anyway and give you time to get
Speaker 5: that master's degree. If getting that degree is super hard
Speaker 5: to you, you're gonna drag that out as long as possible.
Speaker 5: You may never get the degree until they fire you.
Speaker 5: When they fire you and you realize, oh my gosh,
Speaker 5: if I don't do this, I'll never get this person back.
Speaker 2: I'll never get this opportunity back.
Speaker 5: Now, they might go and get it because it's very
Speaker 5: tough to walk down the path of the healing process.
Speaker 5: So if they're not willing to work on it, you
Speaker 5: guys have already discussed it. And I think that's a
Speaker 5: big thing because there's a lot of relationships that end
Speaker 5: and the couples don't even know what the real issue was.
Speaker 5: So the communication they'll say, well, we talked about no,
Speaker 5: you guys argued, you guys lashed out. There wasn't a
Speaker 5: clear communication as to what the problem was, what is expected,
Speaker 5: How do we go about this? If you've done that,
Speaker 5: and I believe one of the most effective ways to
Speaker 5: do that is through a letter because I feel like
Speaker 5: verbal communication of deep issues and concerns they typically don't
Speaker 5: go well. You know, people get distracted, they forget what
Speaker 5: they want to say. The other person gets defensive. They're
Speaker 5: not they're listening to a rebuttal not to understand. But
Speaker 5: when there's a letter involved, it gives you time to
Speaker 5: get everything out. You can you can evaluate your tone,
Speaker 5: leave no stone unturned, and now they have an opportunity
Speaker 5: to process it on their time, to really take it in.
Speaker 5: And then you guys can come together and discuss the letter,
Speaker 5: and now it's so much easier to stay on point.
Speaker 2: And get everything covered.
Speaker 5: If we've done that and they're still unwilling or there's
Speaker 5: still no progress, it's time to go.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's great, that's great advice. And I for me,
Speaker 1: that's the biggest one. It's like, you can't make something
Speaker 1: lost if only one person's working on it. You can't
Speaker 1: keep hoping and waiting and wishing. And and like you said,
Speaker 1: that ending doesn't mean forever. And often I've found that
Speaker 1: two people need to grow individually to be able to
Speaker 1: grow collectively. And we're forcing growing together so hard, but
Speaker 1: we need space to grow. And if you can't grow together.
Speaker 1: Chances are you need to grow apart in order to
Speaker 1: see whether you grow together again or grow for someone else,
Speaker 1: And all of those options are okay, But we put
Speaker 1: so much pressure on people to grow together that they
Speaker 1: grow apart. And actually, if they chose to grow apart
Speaker 1: and grow separately, they could come back together if they
Speaker 1: learn the lessons. And I think that's a mistake too
Speaker 1: that sometimes people think I'm gonna go learn this lesson
Speaker 1: for this person I meet. A lot of people are like, Okay,
Speaker 1: they broke up with me because I wasn't x y Z.
Speaker 1: Now I'm gonna go become x y Z to win
Speaker 1: them back. And I always find them just like, well, no,
Speaker 1: you should go become XYZ if you think you were
Speaker 1: missing x y Z, but not to win them back
Speaker 1: because you don't know what they're gonna do. What's your
Speaker 1: take on people trying to win people back?
Speaker 5: So I want not to present agree with you, Like,
Speaker 5: if we're trying to learn or grow, it needs to
Speaker 5: be for the benefit of who we are and just
Speaker 5: whoever we deal with. So it's almost like if I
Speaker 5: was a bad communicator in this relationship, I shouldn't learn
Speaker 5: to better communicate for that person. I need to better
Speaker 5: communicate for whoever I'm going to be with. If you
Speaker 5: can't see it in that light, then maybe you're looking
Speaker 5: at the wrong thing.
Speaker 2: My thing is this. I think it all depends on
Speaker 2: what the.
Speaker 5: Details of the situation was, what led to the breakup,
Speaker 5: What were you overlooking?
Speaker 2: What was missing?
Speaker 5: Are these fixable issues because a lot of people are
Speaker 5: trying to win back someone where the issues are not resolved.
Speaker 5: So it's like, what's the point of going back, We're
Speaker 5: just going to go in the same cycle all over again.
Speaker 5: They're letting this idea up. I missed them. I don't
Speaker 5: want to be without them, blind them from the fact
Speaker 5: that you two did not get along well, or you
Speaker 5: two don't want the same things, or you two just
Speaker 5: whatever it is. Maybe there's a lack of sexual satisfaction.
Speaker 5: I don't know why I father need to mention that,
Speaker 5: but it happens a lot of times. You have to
Speaker 5: stay focused on what led to the end and can
Speaker 5: this be corrected if it can cool But as you
Speaker 5: men correcting, it does not guarantee you they're coming back.
Speaker 5: And even if they will come back, you don't know
Speaker 5: when they may need so you may have figured yourself
Speaker 5: out in six months, they might need a year. And
Speaker 5: I would argue, if you guys are truly meant for
Speaker 5: each other and they need a year, you need a year.
Speaker 2: Two.
Speaker 5: You're just overlooking some things and you're rushing the process
Speaker 5: because you want to get back to them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's I've never found.
Speaker 5: A situation where it was truly only one person who
Speaker 5: had problems and the other person was squeaky clean.
Speaker 2: No no, no, no, you thought you were, but you
Speaker 2: have some stuff too you need to correct.
Speaker 5: So I think we have to be honest with ourselves
Speaker 5: and just keep striving to be better, and rather than
Speaker 5: focus on winning them back, just become the best you
Speaker 5: because if you do, and there's a true connection there,
Speaker 5: the opportunity will present itself again and you two will
Speaker 5: be able to make something of it.
Speaker 1: And the struggle is that when people finally make that
Speaker 1: decision to break up or let go, the studies show
Speaker 1: that the parts of your brain that are activated in
Speaker 1: a breakup are the same as detoxing from cocaine. Right, Like,
Speaker 1: you're literally trying to detox so you can have a
Speaker 1: craving for someone that's bad for you, or also It
Speaker 1: says that the areas of the brain that are activated
Speaker 1: in a breakup are the areas that are the same
Speaker 1: with physical pain. So if someone like punching the stomach.
Speaker 1: The reason why we say like my heart feels broken
Speaker 1: is because it literally feels like something's broken. So when
Speaker 1: you're going through a breakup, when you're feeling the craving
Speaker 1: to be with that person again, studies showed that eight
Speaker 1: over eighty percent of people are looking at what their
Speaker 1: exes are doing on social media right probably through a
Speaker 1: Finster account or whatever. But you have to know what
Speaker 1: are some of the healthiest tips that you've given to
Speaker 1: people and the people that you've worked with that have
Speaker 1: genuinely helped people moved through a breakup.
Speaker 5: The first thing is to ask yourself again, why was
Speaker 5: I even there? Why am I holding on to this
Speaker 5: individual again? I think sometimes we get so blinded by
Speaker 5: just the experience or our desire to have this person
Speaker 5: forever reason that we overlook what was really missing or
Speaker 5: why this could not work anyway. What you'll also find is,
Speaker 5: and I'm sure there's probably a study on it, where
Speaker 5: if they broke up with you, you ever seen a
Speaker 5: situation it happens on TV a lot where the person
Speaker 5: can be like, Okay, I'm gonna break up with my partner.
Speaker 5: They're planning on it, they've been practicing in their head, right.
Speaker 5: It took them a couple of weeks to muster up
Speaker 5: the strength they're about to do it, and then the
Speaker 5: partner breaks up with them. Now it's, oh my gosh,
Speaker 5: I gotta get them back. So it's like you just
Speaker 5: forgot this whole time. That was your plan. It just
Speaker 5: gave you the pass to do it. But now, because
Speaker 5: we don't like to be the one being let go of,
Speaker 5: now we're fighting hard to get it back. So we
Speaker 5: have to really not fall into these little traps that
Speaker 5: happened to us as human beings. Our brains just play
Speaker 5: tricks on us or something where we confuse these emotions
Speaker 5: for oh my gosh, I must really love them, or
Speaker 5: even like you said, you go in through that detox
Speaker 5: and because you miss I always tell people, no matter
Speaker 5: how bad relationship was, there's always good moments. So if
Speaker 5: you're trying to break free, you can't just let your
Speaker 5: brain focus on the good moments. You have to remind
Speaker 5: yourself why this doesn't work. But if you keep focusing
Speaker 5: on the good, you start to make yourself think, oh,
Speaker 5: because I miss this good moment, I must miss them.
Speaker 5: And as this quote that says, sometimes you're not missing
Speaker 5: the person, you're missing the feeling. So you've got to
Speaker 5: be able to differentiate those two things. So getting back
Speaker 5: to how we get over these breakups is recognizing why
Speaker 5: were we really there to begin with? You know, could
Speaker 5: this actually work? The next thing is, you know, I'm
Speaker 5: a huge believer that a lot of times a breakup
Speaker 5: is a blessing in disguise. Even if there is a
Speaker 5: chance that you two can work together or this is
Speaker 5: the one for you, you may have need this time
Speaker 5: to reevaluate and get things in order. Something is obviously wrong,
Speaker 5: even if you it may be something as deep as
Speaker 5: because I've seen situations where everything was going amazingly well
Speaker 5: on the surface and the person broke up with them.
Speaker 5: Let's say the woman lets go of the man, so
Speaker 5: to the man, that's really confusing. But what it was
Speaker 5: is that that woman, she had not healed from her
Speaker 5: past relationships, and this relationship being so good, was scaring her.
Speaker 5: And what happens is the better you are, the scarier
Speaker 5: it becomes for her. She's looking for something to be wrong.
Speaker 5: She has to validate her fear somehow. When she can't
Speaker 5: find it, she'll either sabotage the relationship or she'll run
Speaker 5: from it. So to that man, it may seem like
Speaker 5: this is so unfair, which, yeah, it sucks, But if
Speaker 5: this woman didn't break up with you now, you were
Speaker 5: in never be going to face this same ending but
Speaker 5: at a worse time. All Right, this is still best
Speaker 5: that it's happening now, at least if she can go
Speaker 5: do what she needs to do. There's a chance for
Speaker 5: this to come back around later, but it's hard for
Speaker 5: us to see it in the moment. So I think,
Speaker 5: just really, we also have to focus on our healing
Speaker 5: whenever a breakup happens. The mistake we make is that
Speaker 5: we think it's about healing from the breakup. No, it's
Speaker 5: healing from everything you've been through. You've probably been sweeping
Speaker 5: under the rug your childhood trauma for years, maybe the
Speaker 5: last two three relationships, whatever it is, so and not
Speaker 5: healing from those things is contributing to your struggle to
Speaker 5: get past this breakup, and contributing to why you even chose.
Speaker 2: This person to begin with.
Speaker 5: I'm a huge believer that if you haven't healed, you
Speaker 5: are ninety percent likely to choose the wrong person. It's
Speaker 5: just too difficult to pick that person that you truly
Speaker 5: love and can truly love you and accept that level
Speaker 5: of vulnerability when you have still not resolved your past
Speaker 5: traumas and past hurts. So to me, that's the next
Speaker 5: big thing is just focus on your healing process because
Speaker 5: in that process, says you will also be able to
Speaker 5: see more clearly if this is really for you or not.
Speaker 2: Like walking around.
Speaker 5: Unhealed is like walking around with broken glasses. You can't
Speaker 5: see straight no matter how hard you try. But healing
Speaker 5: will clear up your vision really really fast. And now
Speaker 5: it'd be like, oh, wait a minute, I didn't belong there.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, thank god the breakup happened. You know,
Speaker 2: now I'm in a better place. I move forward.
Speaker 5: So to me, I think and I would say in
Speaker 5: addition to those things, is just have an accountability partner,
Speaker 5: whether that's friend, coach, therapist, someone that can help keep
Speaker 5: you in check, help remind you what you need to do,
Speaker 5: someone that you know you have to talk to and
Speaker 5: update what's going on so that you feel like, Okay,
Speaker 5: I don't want to come back to them saying I'm
Speaker 5: doing the same thing over and over again. It doesn't
Speaker 5: guarantee success, but it helps, It helps move the needles some.
Speaker 5: So I would highly encourage that.
Speaker 1: That one mindset you spoke about that that changes everything.
Speaker 1: And it hit me today. I was just thinking if
Speaker 1: we were just able in a moment to recognize that
Speaker 1: something painful now was going to be good for us
Speaker 1: in five years time, that would change so many things
Speaker 1: in our life. But we're so poor at dealing with
Speaker 1: current pain, even if it means future joy, that we
Speaker 1: just can't accept that I have to go through this
Speaker 1: in everything, right, Like knowing that someone breaking up with
Speaker 1: you just saved you ten years of a wasted life
Speaker 1: is so much more than knowing you're going to have
Speaker 1: to go through a few months of pain and ten
Speaker 1: months of pain. Maybe it's a bit longer, maybe it's
Speaker 1: two three years, but we just have to get our
Speaker 1: head around that that sometimes the best things that happened
Speaker 1: to you are protecting more of your life than the
Speaker 1: pain that they're causing.
Speaker 2: You need the piece of knowing I did what I
Speaker 2: needed to do.
Speaker 1: That's it.
Speaker 5: Because a time you feel like well maybe I could
Speaker 5: have done this, but I could have done that leaves
Speaker 5: the door open for doubts.
Speaker 2: Well exactly.
Speaker 5: So it's like, and that's why I'm such a big
Speaker 5: believer in you know, there's people who say, well, once
Speaker 5: they're done, they're done, they'll just move on. And I'm like, no, no, no,
Speaker 5: express yourself, get everything off your chest because you don't
Speaker 5: need anything to linger. And you questioning, well, what if
Speaker 5: I did this different? No, make speak your full peace,
Speaker 5: and now you can say, all right, I did what
Speaker 5: I had to do.
Speaker 2: It is what it is.
Speaker 5: I move forward, and I mean it makes it easier.
Speaker 5: It may not make it one hundred percent, you know,
Speaker 5: not an issue whatsoever, but it's going to be easier.
Speaker 5: And I'll say also for me, that's why, like my
Speaker 5: relationship with God is so important because that's where I
Speaker 5: find my peace in dealing with a situation that doesn't
Speaker 5: work out the way I want to. I always tell myself, Okay,
Speaker 5: if this isn't working out, God has something better for me.
Speaker 5: You know, if this is happening right now, there's a
Speaker 5: purpose because I know if I followed his guidance throughout
Speaker 5: this process, then there's no need for me to question
Speaker 5: why is this the current outcome. There's a reason for this,
Speaker 5: and I've been through these things enough times to see.
Speaker 5: As you mentioned, the reward is going to come. It
Speaker 5: may come next week, it may come years from now.
Speaker 5: It will come and I'll be able to see how
Speaker 5: it all connected.
Speaker 1: Now, be honest with me, how many of you have
Speaker 1: gone through a breakup and then just started craving your
Speaker 1: ex where you're now looking at their social media profiles,
Speaker 1: You're looking at old text messages, You're talking to your
Speaker 1: friends who know that person and trying to find out
Speaker 1: what they're up to. It can drive us crazy, because
Speaker 1: breakups can actually make you crave your ex like an addiction.
Speaker 1: That's what our next guest, New York Times best selling
Speaker 1: author Est Parrel and relationship therapist for decades, talks about.
Speaker 1: In this clip, we also learn about how a lot
Speaker 1: of the challenges that we face in our relationship, a
Speaker 1: lot of the conflicts actually come from our own fears.
Speaker 1: If you find yourself always being insecure in a relationship,
Speaker 1: if you're always second guessing that person's into if you're
Speaker 1: always questioning whether they're truly emotionally available, or really care
Speaker 1: for you, or really there for you.
Speaker 2: This clip is for you.
Speaker 1: I've seen research that shows how when someone breaks up
Speaker 1: with you, or when you break up with someone, you
Speaker 1: almost crave them like we crave an addiction that may
Speaker 1: even be unhealthy for us at times. Why do you
Speaker 1: use the word grief and can you walk us through
Speaker 1: both of those losses of identity that you spoke about
Speaker 1: on either end.
Speaker 7: So grief is because I think every choice comes with loss.
Speaker 7: The consequence is the choice you didn't make. And even
Speaker 7: though you think this is the right choice and this
Speaker 7: is what I must do, the grief may be the
Speaker 7: fact that you didn't you were not capable of making
Speaker 7: this thing work, or that you had such high hopes
Speaker 7: and it didn't materialize, or that you have wished that
Speaker 7: you didn't make some mistakes that you made, or that
Speaker 7: you wish you had left sooner. There's lots of thing
Speaker 7: fruit waists, but there is no choice that doesn't have loss,
Speaker 7: and therefore some grief attached to it. And that is
Speaker 7: the nature of the beast. That does not mean that
Speaker 7: you didn't make the right choice. In terms of heartbreak,
Speaker 7: it's a different part. Yes, some people experience heartbreak with
Speaker 7: such an ache, with such a sense of longing and
Speaker 7: such a sense of fracturing on the inside, that they
Speaker 7: are that their longing becomes obsessive, that they are trapped
Speaker 7: in rumination, and that it experienced like a withdrawal. That
Speaker 7: is not all breakups, but that is the extreme kind
Speaker 7: of breakup which has been compared to an addiction because
Speaker 7: of the intense sense of withdrawal and because it takes
Speaker 7: place in the same centers in the brain.
Speaker 1: And you talked about there. How you know, trying to
Speaker 1: change the other person isn't necessarily the focus, but for
Speaker 1: so many of us, that seems to be the problem.
Speaker 1: The problem seems to be the other person's behaviors, their attitude,
Speaker 1: their approach to life, maybe their aspirations. I hear a
Speaker 1: lot of people say things like they don't dream enough,
Speaker 1: they don't dream, they dream too little, right, Like it's
Speaker 1: much too much, right, that's it.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I hear some people say they don't dream enough, they
Speaker 1: dream too much. I hear people say, oh, they have
Speaker 1: too many friends, they have no friends, right. I see
Speaker 1: people at both ends of the spectrum. We always seem
Speaker 1: to have issues with how our partners live. And what
Speaker 1: I've learned, at least in my own personal reflection. And
Speaker 1: I've found is that for a long time in my relationships,
Speaker 1: I often projected the way I lived onto my partner.
Speaker 1: And we so strongly believe that the way we live
Speaker 1: is right, the way we were brought up is right,
Speaker 1: that we want our partner to kind of follow suit.
Speaker 1: And I always give this very small example from my
Speaker 1: own home. But in my house, we used to eat,
Speaker 1: hang out, and then at the end of the night,
Speaker 1: we'd wash the dishes. In my wife's home, they used
Speaker 1: to eat, wash the dishes, and then hang out. And
Speaker 1: so when we got married and we started living together,
Speaker 1: and when we were having friends over or whatever it
Speaker 1: may be, in my mind, we're gonna eat, we're gonna
Speaker 1: hang out, and then we're gonna wash the dishes. Now
Speaker 1: my wife's sat mind, she's thinking, we're gonna eat. Now
Speaker 1: we have to clean up, make sure everything's clean, and
Speaker 1: then we can hang out. And something as little as
Speaker 1: that can cause so much friction and bad communication and
Speaker 1: feelings of oh, you don't care about me, and you
Speaker 1: don't love me, and you don't appreciate me, or you
Speaker 1: don't value the work. And there's so much that comes
Speaker 1: from something and That's just a very small example. But
Speaker 1: it's interesting to me that in that scenario, we both
Speaker 1: had not created a new belief system for our relationship,
Speaker 1: but we're operating based on two old belief systems that
Speaker 1: we'd simply adopted. Walk us through whether you agree, whether
Speaker 1: you disagree, whether you can edit that, reveal more to
Speaker 1: us about I find so many of our challenges exist
Speaker 1: because we project our operating system onto someone else rather
Speaker 1: than creating one with them.
Speaker 7: I like the way you call it the operating system.
Speaker 7: So I'm going to take a sentence that you highlighted
Speaker 7: and start from there. You said, here, we were fighting
Speaker 7: about what's the right moment to do the dishes, But
Speaker 7: in fact, what we were talking about is you don't care,
Speaker 7: you don't see me, you don't appreciate me, you want
Speaker 7: it your way. And what you're highlighting here is something
Speaker 7: that I've actually talked a lot about in a new
Speaker 7: course that I'm doing on conflict, which is exactly that
Speaker 7: how do you turn conflict into connection? And one of
Speaker 7: the things I say is that it's not what you
Speaker 7: fight about, it's what you fight for. You were fighting
Speaker 7: for recognition, you were fighting for power and control. You
Speaker 7: were fighting for respect, you were fighting for trust and closeness.
Speaker 7: Underneath the fight, there are usually three sets of issues
Speaker 7: that we are actually fighting for, and that is power, trust,
Speaker 7: and value. So you don't value me. You know, I
Speaker 7: worked on this dish, on this cooking, I've made this
Speaker 7: nice meal I prepared. I try to be kind to
Speaker 7: your friends, and you don't value me. Once you've understood that,
Speaker 7: what is the hidden dimension that you are actually fighting for?
Speaker 7: The fight, the dishes, the when to do them becomes
Speaker 7: a lot more clear, a lot more clear, rather than
Speaker 7: it's not just I'm imposing my belief on you and
Speaker 7: I wanted to do my way because my way is
Speaker 7: the right way. That's you may think this way. But
Speaker 7: the question is what happens when you have to confront
Speaker 7: yourself with someone who is different. I mean, everything about
Speaker 7: relationships is about straddling sameness and difference, you know, And
Speaker 7: when you are a couple's therapists, it's very typical that
Speaker 7: people come to you and I a drop off center,
Speaker 7: right They tell you, you know, here my relationship, here's
Speaker 7: my partner. Let me tell you what's wrong with them,
Speaker 7: and maybe you can fix them, and I'll help you
Speaker 7: I'll be your right jumps on how to make my
Speaker 7: partner understand why my family's way of doing things is
Speaker 7: the best way of doing things. It's a very good way.
Speaker 7: And so then the question is if you have to
Speaker 7: change your mind, does that mean that it's a loss
Speaker 7: of your identity or can you actually experience that as
Speaker 7: an expansion, as something that you let in. How do
Speaker 7: you let the other person influence you without being constantly
Speaker 7: in the defense of your You know, this is my
Speaker 7: flag and here are my values or my operation system.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I really really relate to what you're saying. And
Speaker 1: I love how you've broken it down to what we're
Speaker 1: fighting for versus what we're fighting about. I think that's brilliant.
Speaker 1: And that's from your masterclass, right.
Speaker 7: No, this is from my own new course.
Speaker 1: Oh, this is from that.
Speaker 7: I am coming out with it very soon. And that's
Speaker 7: really about letting people have a very different view and
Speaker 7: set of skills for handling conflict like this one. You know,
Speaker 7: at first it was a nice thing. You didn't fight about.
Speaker 7: You just said we do it all, No, let's do
Speaker 7: it now, and then slowly, because you couldn't come into
Speaker 7: an unified agreement, it became a point of contention, and
Speaker 7: then that point of contention became the go to every
Speaker 7: time you need to talk about your backgrounds, your values,
Speaker 7: your style, your priorities, your way of doing.
Speaker 1: I think we feel so robbed, or at least when
Speaker 1: I speak to people about this, they feel so robbed,
Speaker 1: as you said, of their identity, but also, as you said,
Speaker 1: people feel robbed of their power that if I give
Speaker 1: in to this other person, my partner may be the
Speaker 1: more powerful one in the relationship. Or if I concede,
Speaker 1: then in the future when we're making decisions, they're going
Speaker 1: to think I'm going to concede. And often that is
Speaker 1: the case that people get into relationships because they think
Speaker 1: the other person is submissive or conceding to them or
Speaker 1: agrees with them on everything they say, and then one
Speaker 1: day that person goes, wait a minute, I didn't realize
Speaker 1: I just gave up everything I care about for you.
Speaker 1: And so how does one learn how to practice that
Speaker 1: humility and giving up of power or is the solution
Speaker 1: a unified agreement as you called it? Just there? What
Speaker 1: are we trying to unravel? How do we do that?
Speaker 7: Because I think that but you just betrayed yourself in
Speaker 7: the question okay, your whole question is framed in power terms. Concede, acquiesce,
Speaker 7: give in loss of self, loss of power. Yes, some
Speaker 7: people feel this way. That is one frame for some
Speaker 7: people to enter into a relationship. But if I actually
Speaker 7: change the word power, I could go like this. In
Speaker 7: every relationship, you will find that there often is one
Speaker 7: person who is more afraid of losing the other, and
Speaker 7: one person who is more afraid of losing themselves. One
Speaker 7: person more afraid of abandonment and rejection, therefore more likely
Speaker 7: to acquiesce, to pacify, to placate, to say yes until
Speaker 7: maybe one day not, and one person more afraid of suffocation,
Speaker 7: and therefore they fight for their ideas, their ways of
Speaker 7: doing it. The timing of the dishes, and that is
Speaker 7: less about power. That is more about the nature of connection.
Speaker 7: The majority of power struggles in a relationship are not
Speaker 7: power struggles. Power is the defense.
Speaker 1: The control.
Speaker 7: Battle is the way people are defending, trying to get
Speaker 7: something for something else that they are worried about. It's
Speaker 7: the surface behavior. You know, some people, when they're afraid,
Speaker 7: they fight, but the issue is not fighting. The issue
Speaker 7: is that they're actually afraid and they're trying to deal
Speaker 7: with their fear by gaining control. So don't just go
Speaker 7: for what you see, because what you see isn't necessarily
Speaker 7: just what it is. Go always looking at the level below,
Speaker 7: Otherwise you're going to have a lot of this.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Now, the most painful thing that we all feel
Speaker 1: when we go or a breakup is that we don't
Speaker 1: even lose faith in that person. We start to lose
Speaker 1: faith in love, and especially we start to feel not
Speaker 1: only do they not love us, we start to question
Speaker 1: whether we're worthy of love. We feel unlovable. We feel like,
Speaker 1: will I ever meet someone? Maybe you're thinking of this
Speaker 1: right now, will I ever meet someone who love me again?
Speaker 1: First of all, they didn't even love you, But we think,
Speaker 1: will someone ever love me again? We ask us off
Speaker 1: the question. Maybe you're thinking of this right now, like
Speaker 1: will I ever meet someone who will commit to me,
Speaker 1: who will be loyal to me, who'll.
Speaker 2: Actually be with me?
Speaker 1: If you're asking some of those questions, this next clip
Speaker 1: from mel Robins is going to really resonate with you
Speaker 1: because she talks about how to go through a breakup
Speaker 1: in a really practical way. Should you contact them, should
Speaker 1: you try and make them jealous? All those emotions and
Speaker 1: feelings we go through. If you listen to this next clip,
Speaker 1: it's gonna help you make the right decisions.
Speaker 2: Take a look.
Speaker 8: When somebody leaves that you love, you think you're unlovable.
Speaker 8: You actually think you're never gonna find it again. You
Speaker 8: hate yourself. That's why most of the advice about this
Speaker 8: is complete bullshit. Go love yourself. How am I going
Speaker 8: to go love myself and the person I love more
Speaker 8: than anything just left me. I hate myself, I despise myself.
Speaker 8: I am terrified of the day that they're going to
Speaker 8: meet somebody. I'm never gonna find that again. I'm never
Speaker 8: going to have sex like that again. I'm not like
Speaker 8: you hate yourself and so telling somebody to just go
Speaker 8: on a revenge diet or leon love yourself it's horrible. Instead,
Speaker 8: I want you to face reality they left, let them
Speaker 8: and then let me grieve and follow my therapist and
Speaker 8: Davin's advice. You have to do a thirty day detox,
Speaker 8: and if you are somebody that's been holding on to
Speaker 8: somebody that left a year ape go, I guarantee you
Speaker 8: you have not gone thirty days without listening to a
Speaker 8: voice memo or looking at a photo. You are keeping
Speaker 8: them alive, which is keeping you trapped in something that's dead,
Speaker 8: and your inability to let them go and let them leave,
Speaker 8: and then let me accept reality and start moving forward,
Speaker 8: and let me believe that the person that I am
Speaker 8: meant to meet, they are in the future. They're not
Speaker 8: in my past. And by the way, even if you
Speaker 8: kind of hold out secretly hope it might be the
Speaker 8: person from the past, it might be, but they're not
Speaker 8: the version from back there, and neither are you, and
Speaker 8: neither are you, and so you have to again come
Speaker 8: back to where the power is. It's not in getting
Speaker 8: them back, it's not in making them jealous, because if
Speaker 8: you focus on making that person jealous, or where are
Speaker 8: you putting your power then and something you can't control,
Speaker 8: you have to put your power here. And the reason
Speaker 8: why I love the thirty day rule in the eleven
Speaker 8: week mark is because it's the truth.
Speaker 1: This is going to suck.
Speaker 8: The only way to get over someone and to go
Speaker 8: through heartbreak is to go through it. There's no avoiding it,
Speaker 8: there's only delaying it. And we delay it because we
Speaker 8: don't want to accept people as they are. Yeah, when
Speaker 8: somebody breaks up and leaves or cheats on you. They
Speaker 8: have just revealed who they are for sure, and your
Speaker 8: inability to accept it instead of explaining it away and
Speaker 8: living in a fantasy up here. That's what's keeping you
Speaker 8: from having and creating the love you actually deserve and
Speaker 8: want in your life.
Speaker 1: I was talking to a friend recently, and everything you're
Speaker 1: saying is just so true, and it's resonating so strongly
Speaker 1: to me. I was doing to a friend recently and
Speaker 1: she was saying to me, I wish my friend would
Speaker 1: just be honest with me. I wish this person who's
Speaker 1: just screwed me over, just let me down, would just
Speaker 1: be honest with me rather than pretending to be my friend.
Speaker 1: And I said to them, they are being honest with you.
Speaker 1: Them lying is showing you their truth. That's how much
Speaker 1: they value you. Them pretending to be your friend is
Speaker 1: their truth. You don't want the truth. Actually, you want
Speaker 1: them to lie to you, and you want them to
Speaker 1: be someone else. You want them to become the honest person.
Speaker 1: But they're showing you that they're not an honest person.
Speaker 1: That is the truth.
Speaker 8: It's true. And here's the other thing. Why are you
Speaker 8: pretending to be this person's friend and not bringing it up.
Speaker 8: Why is it on them to tell you the truth?
Speaker 8: Let them lie to you and then come to the
Speaker 8: let me part. If aren't you pretending that you're their friend,
Speaker 8: if you haven't brought this up, and you're actually holding
Speaker 8: that in your head right, There are so many applications
Speaker 8: of this, it's just incredible. And the thing that I'm
Speaker 8: really really excited about is that, you know, the other
Speaker 8: massive thing saying that I think this is going to
Speaker 8: help people with is that one other way that you
Speaker 8: make people a massive problem is that you see somebody
Speaker 8: else's success or happiness or the things that they achieve
Speaker 8: in their life is somehow robbing you of yours. And
Speaker 8: the thing about life is that you're never playing against people.
Speaker 8: You play with them. And somebody else's success, happiness, love,
Speaker 8: like the things that they achieve, it's in limitless supply.
Speaker 8: And when you wrap your brain around the fact that happiness, love, money,
Speaker 8: like all of it limitless supply. So other people can't
Speaker 8: block your way, they actually lead the way. And so
Speaker 8: if you let them lead the way and you see
Speaker 8: their wins not as your losses, but you see it
Speaker 8: as an example to follow. You now, stop making other
Speaker 8: people a problem, and you stop using them as an
Speaker 8: excuse for why you can't do what you're capable of.
Speaker 8: Other People don't block you, you block your life way.
Speaker 8: Allow people to lead the way and the way that
Speaker 8: you do that. You say, let them be successful, let
Speaker 8: them get married, let them have the baby, let them
Speaker 8: have the nice car, because they're showing me what's possible.
Speaker 8: And the cool thing about really embracing let them in
Speaker 8: that regard is that other people also show you the formula.
Speaker 1: Right, yeah, I've seen they show you.
Speaker 8: Exactly how to do something. But if you're so busy going,
Speaker 8: oh well, Jane launched a podcast and there's too many
Speaker 8: podcasts now, I can't launch a podcasts. Who's blocking you? Correct,
Speaker 8: You're capable of learning to be a better player in
Speaker 8: the game of life from other people, Yes, so stop
Speaker 8: playing against them and let them show you the way.
Speaker 1: I speak to so many people every week who are
Speaker 1: going through breakups, and I'm so glad that you found
Speaker 1: this episode of the podcast because it's one of those
Speaker 1: things where you take two steps forward and then you're
Speaker 1: three steps back, and it often feels like this back
Speaker 1: and forth feeling of have I healed? Have I recovered.
Speaker 1: Oh no, I'm right back there now, and I want
Speaker 1: you to know that on purpose, we're dedicated to trying
Speaker 1: to help you through that healing journey. As long as
Speaker 1: you're healing, you're moving in the right direction. Sometimes you're
Speaker 1: going to feel like you're completely missing them again, and
Speaker 1: sometimes you're going to feel like you're ready to move on.
Speaker 1: And the goal is to surround yourself with the right insights,
Speaker 1: the right wisdom to keep focusing on your own growth.
Speaker 1: Because here's what I've realized. The pain doesn't go away.
Speaker 1: It just gets easier to carry. It just gets easier
Speaker 1: to deal with. As you build confidence, as you build strength,
Speaker 1: you start to realize that what you went through actually
Speaker 1: helped you find deeper, more meaningful love. And from the
Speaker 1: people who have known that have gone through breakups and
Speaker 1: found long term relationships that they're happy in, they all
Speaker 1: look back and now feel grateful for that experience because
Speaker 1: it helped them quickly decipher who was right for them
Speaker 1: and who wasn't, who was around for a season but
Speaker 1: not for the rest of their life. Thanks so much
Speaker 1: for listening. If you love this episode, you'll love my
Speaker 1: interview with Dr Gabor Matte on understanding your trauma and
Speaker 1: how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from
Speaker 1: the past. Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable.
Speaker 2: So a tree doesn't go o where it's hard and thick,
Speaker 2: does it. It goes where it's soft and green and
Speaker 2: vulnerable