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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, It's Jay Sheddy and I'm thrilled to announce

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Speaker 1: my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can

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Speaker 1: experience on purpose in person. Join me in a city

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Speaker 1: near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It

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Speaker 1: could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO

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Speaker 1: or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth,

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Speaker 1: spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to

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Speaker 1: meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences

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Speaker 1: for a private Q and a intimate meditation and a

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Speaker 1: meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now.

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Speaker 1: Head to Jsheddy dot me forward Slash Tour and get

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Speaker 1: yours today. A breakup can literally wreck your life. You

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Speaker 1: could be doing so well in your career and now

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Speaker 1: you show up to work in the worst mood. You

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Speaker 1: could have a great relationship with your family, but now

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Speaker 1: every holiday season all you can do is thing about

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Speaker 1: that person. You've got a great group of friends around you.

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Speaker 1: They love you, but they're all in relationships and you

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Speaker 1: feel like you're behind. You feel like you're not the

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Speaker 1: one who's getting proposed to, You're not the one who's

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Speaker 1: moving in you're the one who's starting all over again.

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Speaker 1: If you felt any of that, this episode is dedicated

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Speaker 1: to you, because I want your breakup to become a

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Speaker 1: moment you look back on as the greatest pivot that

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Speaker 1: ever happened in your life.

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Speaker 2: The number one health and wellness podcast.

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Speaker 1: Jay Set Jay shetyt. At one point in life, each

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Speaker 1: of us gets our heart broken. Maybe it was two

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Speaker 1: years ago, maybe it was two months ago, or maybe

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Speaker 1: it was two days ago, but each and every one

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Speaker 1: of us knows how painful a heartbreak can be because

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Speaker 1: you're not only losing that person, you're losing the perception

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Speaker 1: of the life you believed you were going to have.

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Speaker 1: You're losing the version of you you were with that person,

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Speaker 1: and you're losing the projection of this future that you

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Speaker 1: were building together. What we don't realize about breakups is

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Speaker 1: that we're actually living through grief. It's this slow aching

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Speaker 1: loss that doesn't have a funeral. You're mourning a future

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Speaker 1: that won't happen, trying to figure it out all the sadness,

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Speaker 1: the confusion, the anger, and often in the beginning, you

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Speaker 1: think I wish they would stay, I wish they'd be

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Speaker 1: here forever. And then sometimes you move into this phase

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Speaker 1: of what did I do wrong? What could I have

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Speaker 1: done differently? Could I have held on? Could I have

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Speaker 1: been better? And then at some point you go between

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Speaker 1: the two. At the same time, healing isn't linear, it's messy,

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Speaker 1: it's raw, it's deeply personal. And so as you listen

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Speaker 1: to this today, whichever stage you're at in your breakup journey,

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Speaker 1: I hope it helps you. In this clip, relationship expert

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Speaker 1: therapist and best selling author of Maybe You Should Talk

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Speaker 1: to Someone, and one of my favorite guests on the podcast,

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Speaker 1: talks about how we expect a sense of closure. We

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Speaker 1: want someone to give us this feeling and understanding of

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Speaker 1: why they left us, what was their reason, why did

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Speaker 1: they cheat on us? If that was the case, And

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Speaker 1: often we can spiral and go round and around in circles,

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Speaker 1: hoping and expecting this answer, but we all know that

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Speaker 1: answer rarely comes. That person's not around anymore, they don't

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Speaker 1: feel a responsibility to give it to us, and closure

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Speaker 1: is something we continue to chase. In this segment, she'll

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Speaker 1: talk a bit about how you can find that and

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Speaker 1: where it truly comes from. At the same time, she

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Speaker 1: talks about how we need to acknowledge the value of

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Speaker 1: what's lost. It's so important to really recognize how we've

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Speaker 1: lost things in the past and the future. And she

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Speaker 1: also tells us how to seek advice from our friends.

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Speaker 1: We all want love, we all want support, but she

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Speaker 1: gives a really clear insight to know which friends to

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Speaker 1: be around when you're going through a breakup. Take a listen.

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Speaker 1: I still find until this day that breakups seem to

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Speaker 1: be the hardest relationship transition that people tend to go through,

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Speaker 1: maybe apart from grief or maybe even similar, And I'd

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Speaker 1: love your thoughts on that, but because it is a

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Speaker 1: kind of loss, I think that people feel. There was

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Speaker 1: one person from the audience that we were connected with

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Speaker 1: that had a breakup, and they were together with this

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Speaker 1: person for two years. They really thought this to the

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Speaker 1: person that they were going to spend their life with.

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Speaker 1: They really thought this was going in their direction. They

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Speaker 1: felt that they actually had good compatibility, they were good

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Speaker 1: at talking about things. But then what felt like out

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Speaker 1: of the blue to this person. They just felt that

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Speaker 1: this person was like, I don't think this is going

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Speaker 1: in that direction anymore, and then things withered away quickly.

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Speaker 1: It's hard when you kind of you know, and this

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Speaker 1: is probably what you get all the time. People don't

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Speaker 1: feel a sense of closure. They don't really understand the

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Speaker 1: other person's not doing a good job explaining it doesn't

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Speaker 1: want to or doesn't have the time. What are some

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Speaker 1: of the steps that we need to take when we're

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Speaker 1: kind of lost in that no person's land of I

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Speaker 1: thought I had something, it doesn't exist anymore.

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Speaker 3: Well, first of all, loss is exactly it's grief, and

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Speaker 3: people go through the stages of grief, and the stages

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Speaker 3: of grief are not sequential, so they're actually meant for

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Speaker 3: people who are experiencing terminal illness, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance,

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Speaker 3: but they're very apt, I think for any kind of loss.

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Speaker 3: And when you talk about a breakup, there can be

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Speaker 3: denial like oh, you don't really mean that we really

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Speaker 3: are compatible, and you try to talk the other person into.

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Speaker 4: Maybe seeing the light that they can't see.

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Speaker 2: You know.

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Speaker 3: The anger is how could you have led me on

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Speaker 3: for this amount of time? You're such a terrible person.

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Speaker 3: You wasted all my time. You were lying to me

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Speaker 3: this whole time when the person wasn't They probably truly

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Speaker 3: you know, thought this was going somewhere.

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Speaker 1: You know.

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Speaker 3: The bargaining is, well, what if you know you know,

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Speaker 3: and the person tells you maybe why they're breaking up

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Speaker 3: with you, like I don't think that we're compatible in

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Speaker 3: this way, and then you try to become the thing,

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Speaker 3: you know, like what if I did this, or I

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Speaker 3: can be more of this, or we can do this,

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Speaker 3: and they're like, no, that's not really the way this

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Speaker 3: will get solved. You know, depression, which is just the whole.

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Speaker 3: I mean, it's so because I think what people don't

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Speaker 3: realize is it's not what you're losing just in the moment.

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Speaker 3: It's you're losing the future that you had imagined. So

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Speaker 3: you lose the past. You lose like all the whatever

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Speaker 3: amount of time you spent with that person. You built

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Speaker 3: a life with this person, and it's the dailiness. There's

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Speaker 3: an intimacy to that dailiness. There's a comfort, there's a

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Speaker 3: safety of this person knows all these little quirks about me.

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Speaker 3: You know, we have all these inside jokes, We have

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Speaker 3: a shorthand you know, this person asks how my day is.

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Speaker 5: I know.

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Speaker 3: It's the dailiness of being with someone.

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Speaker 2: So you lose that.

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Speaker 3: That's very lonely, but then you also lose the future.

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Speaker 3: You had built up a whole story about what your

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Speaker 3: lives were going to be like in a year, five years,

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Speaker 3: ten years, twenty years gone, and you have nothing to

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Speaker 3: replace it with right now because you don't know what

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Speaker 3: it's going to look like yet. So the grief is real,

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Speaker 3: and I think people try to downplay it. They're like,

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Speaker 3: why are you so sad about this? He was a

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Speaker 3: jerk or she was a jerk or whatever. It's like,

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Speaker 3: I'm sad because I lost something very important to me,

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Speaker 3: and your friends need to realize that instead of just

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Speaker 3: demonizing the other person, they need to realize, like, you

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Speaker 3: lost something really valuable in your daily life, in the present,

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Speaker 3: in the future, part of your past. All of that

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Speaker 3: is gone now, so that's really hard. I think the

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Speaker 3: other part of them dealing with the grief is letting

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Speaker 3: yourself feel it, because it's real. No matter what people

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Speaker 3: I tell you, it's real. And the other part is

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Speaker 3: the story that you're telling yourself about it is really important.

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Speaker 3: So you might be telling yourself a story of the

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Speaker 3: other person's terrible that might feel good in the moment.

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Speaker 3: It might be something like I'm bad you know, like

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Speaker 3: I'm not good enough. If I were only something else,

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Speaker 3: this person would love me more. I'm not lovable, or

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Speaker 3: I'll never find anyone right. Those are not helpful stories

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Speaker 3: because it's not true. It's you were not compatible with

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Speaker 3: this person for whatever reason, even though you thought you were.

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Speaker 3: If the other person doesn't feel you're the right person

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Speaker 3: for them, you're automatically incompatible, right. You can't make it

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Speaker 3: so that well, they just don't see it. So we

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Speaker 3: aren't compatible because the other person doesn't want to be

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Speaker 3: with me. So many times i'll hear you know someone

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Speaker 3: even without a breakup, Like someone will be dating someone

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Speaker 3: and the person isn't really invested in the relationship, maybe

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Speaker 3: in the way that they would like them too, and

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Speaker 3: the person sitting on my couch will state, but we're

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Speaker 3: so compatible, we're so perfect for each other. That person

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Speaker 3: just has intimacy issues and I could just change them.

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Speaker 3: Even if the breakup was about you think the person

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Speaker 3: had intimacy issues, it doesn't really matter. The point is

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Speaker 3: they aren't able to be with you, so you are

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Speaker 3: not compatible, and so that is I think very comforting

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Speaker 3: to know, like we are just not compatible, even though

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Speaker 3: it hurts a lot. We're not compatible, and I have

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Speaker 3: to sit with the pain of I need to know

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Speaker 3: that we were not compatible and that's not going to

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Speaker 3: jade me in other relationships, And I think that's the

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Speaker 3: important thing. So many times we get into a new

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Speaker 3: relationship after that and we punish the new person for

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Speaker 3: something the old person did right like the old the

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Speaker 3: old person wasn't truthful with me. So I'm going to

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Speaker 3: like check your phone all the time. No, don't, don't

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Speaker 3: like put someone in jail for a crime they didn't commit.

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Speaker 3: So you got to really like know what are the

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Speaker 3: wounds from this relationship? What am I learning from this?

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Speaker 3: What does this teach me about me about the other person?

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Speaker 3: And then how do I move into a new relationship

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Speaker 3: with hope and with caution and holding both hope and caution.

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Speaker 1: Now, this next clip is from relationship expert and my

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Speaker 1: good friend Matthew Hussy. What I love about this that

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Speaker 1: I think's going to help so many of you is

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Speaker 1: so many of us turn a breakup into self blame.

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Speaker 1: We think about all the things we got wrong, all

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Speaker 1: the things we should have done better, all the things

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Speaker 1: we could have done better, all the things we wish

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Speaker 1: we did, and it becomes this almost self critical version

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Speaker 1: of a conversation. And because you've not got the other

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Speaker 1: person to talk to anymore, it's something you're going through

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Speaker 1: by yourself. Matthew talks about how you can shift in

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Speaker 1: this situation, how do we go from this happened to

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Speaker 1: me to how can I grow from this? Listen to

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Speaker 1: this clip. If you're struggling right now with blaming yourself

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Speaker 1: for the breakup you just went through. Talk a bit

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Speaker 1: about breakups, because I think the challenge is that everyone

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Speaker 1: in their life goes through at least one or two,

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Speaker 1: maybe more, really painful breakups, whether it's in fidelity, whether

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Speaker 1: it's out it feels out of the blue, someone just

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Speaker 1: goes Yep, not working out for me anymore, whether it's

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Speaker 1: different goals and different plans and priorities that emerge over time.

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Speaker 1: And I think everyone who goes through a breakup blames

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Speaker 1: it on themselves. Often thinks that this is the end,

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Speaker 1: there'll never be another person, and it feels like a

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Speaker 1: really dark, dark, dark empty road and a lonely road.

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Speaker 1: And I think it's really interesting because there's so many

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Speaker 1: piece of advice and everything about like how to get

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Speaker 1: over a breakup, and I've talked about that as well myself,

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Speaker 1: but I just find that it seems to be a

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Speaker 1: path that you have to walk and have to take

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Speaker 1: and there's no real acceleration or there's not, as you said,

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Speaker 1: there's not like I'm going to get over this breakup

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Speaker 1: in three right, there's no timeline or deadline that you

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Speaker 1: can set on here. But it's just uncomfortable and it's

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Speaker 1: almost like sitting in discomfort. What do we do when

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Speaker 1: we're sitting in that discomfort?

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Speaker 4: Well, when you're in the depths of it, because there's

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Speaker 4: different phases, right, Like there's certainly a phase of any

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Speaker 4: heartbreak when it's genuine deep heartbreak where you are just

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Speaker 4: questioning your existence where you are like.

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Speaker 6: This.

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Speaker 4: You know, I remember having my own heart broken and

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Speaker 4: sitting on the door the doorstep of my house with

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Speaker 4: a friend of mine and just with tears in my

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Speaker 4: eyes saying to him, I just feel like I'm not

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Speaker 4: good enough. Like that was my deep sense, was that

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Speaker 4: I am not good enough, and if I was good enough,

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Speaker 4: I would have been able to make this work. And

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Speaker 4: that's it's a horrible place to be. And you know,

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Speaker 4: we have to have compassion for ourselves in those times

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Speaker 4: because it's brutally difficult. It's a time where we just

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Speaker 4: need love and we need to celebrate the fact that

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Speaker 4: we got through another day and that we got I

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Speaker 4: managed to get out of bed today, and you know,

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Speaker 4: it was an act of it was a heroic act

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Speaker 4: for me to just get out of bed. We then

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Speaker 4: have to you know, I always think that all of

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Speaker 4: these moments give us gears that we wouldn't have had otherwise.

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Speaker 4: And the worst pain of my life has given me

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Speaker 4: access to gears that I didn't know I had. And

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Speaker 4: as much as no one wants to hear it when

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Speaker 4: they're in it, those gears turn out to be really valuable.

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Speaker 4: They really do. I mean, we all choose suffering in

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Speaker 4: our lives, like we choose to go to the gym's

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Speaker 4: choosing suffering. We choose like to write a book, choosing

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Speaker 4: a form of suffering, we choose to make a podcast,

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Speaker 4: or we choose to climb a literal mountain, or like

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Speaker 4: we choose pain in our lives regularly because we know

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Speaker 4: that it gives us there are benefits to be had.

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Speaker 4: I have to argue that the benefit I have gotten

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Speaker 4: from the pain that I didn't choose has been no

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Speaker 4: less valuable than the benefit I've gotten from the pain

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Speaker 4: I did choose. In fact, actually, I think the most

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Speaker 4: valuable pain I've ever had is the pain I didn't choose.

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Speaker 4: And when you realize that, you can kind of almost

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Speaker 4: I think, look at some of the worst moments of

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Speaker 4: your life as like a menu of pain, and beside

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Speaker 4: the item on the menu is the very specific, unique

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Speaker 4: benefits that can only come from this kind of pain,

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Speaker 4: and you can kind of imagine yourself choosing retroactively choosing

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Speaker 4: that pain, which is a very valuable thing to do.

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Speaker 4: Because I was told by a psychologist about an experiment

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Speaker 4: on rats where one rat was on a wheel and

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Speaker 4: was just given, you know, like the free reign to

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Speaker 4: just run whenever it wanted to run. There was another rat,

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Speaker 4: this was Rat A. Rap B was connected to that wheel.

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Speaker 4: He was on another wheel that was connected to Rat

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Speaker 4: A's wheel, and any time Rat A chose to run,

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Speaker 4: Rap B had to run right, So both doing the

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Speaker 4: same amount of exercising. But at the end of the experiment,

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Speaker 4: rat A shows all the positive markers of exercise and

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Speaker 4: rap B shows all the negative markers of stress. Oh wow,

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Speaker 4: same amount of exercise was the difference. Well, rat A

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Speaker 4: chose to run, rap B didn't. And there's something profound

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Speaker 4: about that to me, because if we can take a

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Speaker 4: situation that we didn't choose, who would choose to be heartbroken?

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Speaker 1: Right?

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Speaker 4: It's the worst, it's a terrible pain. But what if

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Speaker 4: in that pain you did realize, like, there is something

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Speaker 4: here that I'm going to gain from this experience that

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Speaker 4: I couldn't have any other way. That if I look

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Speaker 4: on that menu of pain, this one has some really

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Speaker 4: good benefits, like this one has some really amazing stuff.

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Speaker 4: Who I'm going to have to become to get through this?

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Speaker 4: What I'm going to have to learn. The way I'm

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Speaker 4: going to have to get comfortable, even just to get

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Speaker 4: through a weekend right now on my own is it

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Speaker 4: is going to be this unbelievable feat and to get

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Speaker 4: comfortable in my own company and to sit in this pain,

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Speaker 4: and there are such profound benefits from that. What if

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Speaker 4: I did actually look at those benefits and say they're

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Speaker 4: so powerful that I'm going to choose this pain so

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Speaker 4: that I can experience those benefits. And so you turn

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Speaker 4: yourself from rat B to rat A, and all of

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Speaker 4: a sudden, you're not a victim of that pain anymore.

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Speaker 4: You're the beneficiary of these exquisite gifts that you could

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Speaker 4: only get this way, and that only there's one tool

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Speaker 4: I've used to get through some of the worst, worst

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Speaker 4: pain of my life. And then on a practice and

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Speaker 4: on a psychological level, with heartbreak, what I always remind

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Speaker 4: people is that if anyone who doesn't choose you cannot

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Speaker 4: be for you. They if they don't see you like

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Speaker 4: what is a relationship. It's someone sees you, they accept you,

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Speaker 4: and they want that. That's the most beautiful part of

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Speaker 4: a relationship. So if someone doesn't see you and accept

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Speaker 4: you and want what they see, then this relationship is

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Speaker 4: missing the most beautiful part of any relationship. It shouldn't

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Speaker 4: even be you know, it shouldn't be desirable at that

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Speaker 4: stage because it's not. It has failed the fundamental test

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Speaker 4: of what makes a relationship worth having. We're not talking

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Speaker 4: about a person who you know, in at least the

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Speaker 4: case I feel, we're talking about the person who was

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Speaker 4: taken from us by life. We're talking about a person

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Speaker 4: who's just walking around somewhere, still existing on the planet,

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Speaker 4: but choosing not to be with us. That should lose

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Speaker 4: its romance to us, you know, and to say, well,

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Speaker 4: if that's the other game we play is if it

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Speaker 4: was a different time in life, if they were a

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Speaker 4: bit older, they would have been ready to commit, If

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Speaker 4: they had been in a different phase where they weren't

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Speaker 4: so busy with their work, they might have had the

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Speaker 4: space to really give to this relationship. But they said

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Speaker 4: their work isn't allowing them to. If it's like, we

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Speaker 4: go through all these scenarios where it forces us into

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Speaker 4: this sad love song of right person, wrong time, and

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Speaker 4: that's a really like pernicious story. That's a very dangerous

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Speaker 4: story because it takes what belongs in the realm of

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Speaker 4: science fiction and brings it into our reality. When we're

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Speaker 4: thinking about an X from like five years ago and

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Speaker 4: we're like, I miss them. I don't know why. You know,

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Speaker 4: you don't even know who they are anymore. That was

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Speaker 4: five years ago. They're a different person now in many ways.

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Speaker 4: You're a different person now in anyway if you've got

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Speaker 4: together now, you'd be getting together as different people. You miss.

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Speaker 4: A ghost person doesn't exist anymore in the way that

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Speaker 4: you think they do, you know, And when you're saying, oh,

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Speaker 4: if only we met five years from now, it would

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Speaker 4: have worked in what parallel universe? It's this is science fiction, like,

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Speaker 4: it's not. It didn't happen in this universe. So it's

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Speaker 4: it's like it is wishing for a parallel universe where

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Speaker 4: everything all the Domino's unfolded in a different way. It's

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Speaker 4: not this universe. So we just we have to get

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Speaker 4: out of this mindset because it gets us bought into

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Speaker 4: a science fiction story that doesn't really exist. I don't

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Speaker 4: believe in the right person at the wrong time. It's

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Speaker 4: the right person is right in their personality, they're ready,

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Speaker 4: and their life is compatible with yours. If you're missing

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Speaker 4: one of those three things, then it's not the right person.

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Speaker 4: The right person has to be more than someone who

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Speaker 4: you have a great time with and you like who

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Speaker 4: they are and have great conversation and great intimacy. That

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Speaker 4: can't That's not the only criteria for someone who's right.

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Speaker 4: So we have to stop telling ourself the story that

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Speaker 4: someone who you know broke up with us, or it

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Speaker 4: was bad timing or whatever, is the right person for us.

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Speaker 4: That is a That is just a story. It is

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Speaker 4: not reality. The right person is the person. It happens

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Speaker 4: with I.

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Speaker 1: you've thought about this before. We all have this feeling

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Speaker 1: did I meet the right person at the wrong time

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Speaker 1: or did I meet the wrong person at the right time,

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Speaker 1: And we can kind of get lost in that phase.

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Speaker 1: This next clip from Stefan Speaks is for you. If

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Speaker 1: you're one of those people who's wondering, Ah, did I

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Speaker 1: just lose the right person for me? Did I just

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Speaker 1: let go of the person who I was meant to

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Speaker 1: spend my life with. Did I just make a mistake

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Speaker 1: and lose the right person and meet them at the

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Speaker 1: wrong time. This clip is going to help you make

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Speaker 1: sense of that. What he's also going to talk about

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Speaker 1: is the impact it has on us when our partner

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Speaker 1: no longer wants to communicate with us. Maybe you're in

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Speaker 1: a relationship where your partner doesn't like to have difficult conversations.

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00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:28,239
Speaker 1: Maybe they don't like to talk about emotions. Maybe they

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00:23:28,280 --> 00:23:33,000
Speaker 1: don't have the capacity to go to that depth with you,

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Speaker 1: And if they're getting everything else right, maybe it's possible.

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Speaker 1: But if you're starting a field is weakening the relationship.

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Speaker 1: Stefan speaks really clearly on how to make a decision.

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Speaker 1: So if you're stuck in that point, this clip's really

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Speaker 1: going to help you as well. And if you're someone

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Speaker 1: who feels like you keep making the same mistakes, maybe

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Speaker 1: keep picking the same person, just someone that looks different.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you keep being too needy or too wanting or

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Speaker 1: too demanding, or maybe you always end up trying to

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Speaker 1: fix their problems and solve their life. If you found

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Speaker 1: a recurring pattern in your relationship and you want to

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Speaker 1: know how to interrupt it and break it, this clips

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Speaker 1: for you. Take a listen.

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Speaker 5: Letting go doesn't always mean it can't work out later.

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Speaker 5: It's just that it cannot work out under these circumstances,

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Speaker 5: all right. Because some people say, well, I feel like

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Speaker 5: they're the one. Okay, maybe they are, but maybe the

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00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,520
Speaker 5: time is not right, And it's letting go that will

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Speaker 5: allow you both to do what needs to be done

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Speaker 5: in your own personal lives, that will allow you to

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Speaker 5: come back together and have something way more amazing. So

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Speaker 5: that's number one thing to consider. But outside of that,

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Speaker 5: it's when one if that person is unwilling to put

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Speaker 5: in the work necessary, it's time to go. There's like

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Speaker 5: so many times I'll I'll have a video go up

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Speaker 5: about communication and someone will comment saying I've tried talking

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Speaker 5: to him and he doesn't want to talk to me.

432
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:00,639
Speaker 6: And in my and I'm like, but why are you

433
00:25:00,680 --> 00:25:03,840
Speaker 6: still with them? If he refuses to talk to you.

434
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:07,680
Speaker 6: You've already tried. There's nothing else to do. But people

435
00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:10,600
Speaker 6: will let it linger on and continue why they can

436
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:15,479
Speaker 6: why they consistently complain or unhappy about this specific issue.

437
00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:18,440
Speaker 6: It's not gonna magically get better. They're not gonna just

438
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:20,320
Speaker 6: change it just because all of a sudden they see,

439
00:25:20,359 --> 00:25:22,800
Speaker 6: oh it needs to change. No, if they're fighting it now,

440
00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:25,320
Speaker 6: they have no reason to change it. And what people

441
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,720
Speaker 6: have to understand, you know, especially with this whole trying

442
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:31,600
Speaker 6: to fix people up, healing and facing your traumas is

443
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,120
Speaker 6: one of the hardest things.

444
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:33,680
Speaker 2: For people to do.

445
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,920
Speaker 5: So if they already have you in their life, they're

446
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:41,680
Speaker 5: essentially getting the incentive or the benefit of relationship without

447
00:25:41,760 --> 00:25:44,320
Speaker 5: having to do the deeper work. It's almost like if

448
00:25:44,359 --> 00:25:45,919
Speaker 5: I'm at a job and the job says you need

449
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:47,800
Speaker 5: to have a master's degree to work here, but we're

450
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:50,920
Speaker 5: gonna hire you anyway and give you time to get

451
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:54,160
Speaker 5: that master's degree. If getting that degree is super hard

452
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:56,960
Speaker 5: to you, you're gonna drag that out as long as possible.

453
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:00,800
Speaker 5: You may never get the degree until they fire you.

454
00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:04,080
Speaker 5: When they fire you and you realize, oh my gosh,

455
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:06,960
Speaker 5: if I don't do this, I'll never get this person back.

456
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:08,400
Speaker 2: I'll never get this opportunity back.

457
00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:11,600
Speaker 5: Now, they might go and get it because it's very

458
00:26:11,880 --> 00:26:14,520
Speaker 5: tough to walk down the path of the healing process.

459
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:18,119
Speaker 5: So if they're not willing to work on it, you

460
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:20,000
Speaker 5: guys have already discussed it. And I think that's a

461
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:23,080
Speaker 5: big thing because there's a lot of relationships that end

462
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:26,440
Speaker 5: and the couples don't even know what the real issue was.

463
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:29,119
Speaker 5: So the communication they'll say, well, we talked about no,

464
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,560
Speaker 5: you guys argued, you guys lashed out. There wasn't a

465
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:36,920
Speaker 5: clear communication as to what the problem was, what is expected,

466
00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:39,760
Speaker 5: How do we go about this? If you've done that,

467
00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:41,560
Speaker 5: and I believe one of the most effective ways to

468
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,760
Speaker 5: do that is through a letter because I feel like

469
00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:48,240
Speaker 5: verbal communication of deep issues and concerns they typically don't

470
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:51,159
Speaker 5: go well. You know, people get distracted, they forget what

471
00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:54,560
Speaker 5: they want to say. The other person gets defensive. They're

472
00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:57,480
Speaker 5: not they're listening to a rebuttal not to understand. But

473
00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,240
Speaker 5: when there's a letter involved, it gives you time to

474
00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:03,919
Speaker 5: get everything out. You can you can evaluate your tone,

475
00:27:04,320 --> 00:27:07,640
Speaker 5: leave no stone unturned, and now they have an opportunity

476
00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:11,000
Speaker 5: to process it on their time, to really take it in.

477
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:14,400
Speaker 5: And then you guys can come together and discuss the letter,

478
00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:18,040
Speaker 5: and now it's so much easier to stay on point.

479
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:19,679
Speaker 2: And get everything covered.

480
00:27:20,119 --> 00:27:23,800
Speaker 5: If we've done that and they're still unwilling or there's

481
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:25,800
Speaker 5: still no progress, it's time to go.

482
00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:29,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's great, that's great advice. And I for me,

483
00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:33,720
Speaker 1: that's the biggest one. It's like, you can't make something

484
00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:36,439
Speaker 1: lost if only one person's working on it. You can't

485
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:41,800
Speaker 1: keep hoping and waiting and wishing. And and like you said,

486
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:46,760
Speaker 1: that ending doesn't mean forever. And often I've found that

487
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:51,000
Speaker 1: two people need to grow individually to be able to

488
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:56,800
Speaker 1: grow collectively. And we're forcing growing together so hard, but

489
00:27:56,920 --> 00:28:01,600
Speaker 1: we need space to grow. And if you can't grow together.

490
00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:04,359
Speaker 1: Chances are you need to grow apart in order to

491
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,960
Speaker 1: see whether you grow together again or grow for someone else,

492
00:28:07,040 --> 00:28:10,080
Speaker 1: And all of those options are okay, But we put

493
00:28:10,160 --> 00:28:13,720
Speaker 1: so much pressure on people to grow together that they

494
00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:17,159
Speaker 1: grow apart. And actually, if they chose to grow apart

495
00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:21,479
Speaker 1: and grow separately, they could come back together if they

496
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:24,399
Speaker 1: learn the lessons. And I think that's a mistake too

497
00:28:24,440 --> 00:28:26,680
Speaker 1: that sometimes people think I'm gonna go learn this lesson

498
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:29,640
Speaker 1: for this person I meet. A lot of people are like, Okay,

499
00:28:29,720 --> 00:28:32,200
Speaker 1: they broke up with me because I wasn't x y Z.

500
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:35,080
Speaker 1: Now I'm gonna go become x y Z to win

501
00:28:35,200 --> 00:28:38,920
Speaker 1: them back. And I always find them just like, well, no,

502
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:42,280
Speaker 1: you should go become XYZ if you think you were

503
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:45,000
Speaker 1: missing x y Z, but not to win them back

504
00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:47,800
Speaker 1: because you don't know what they're gonna do. What's your

505
00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:49,480
Speaker 1: take on people trying to win people back?

506
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:51,760
Speaker 5: So I want not to present agree with you, Like,

507
00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:55,360
Speaker 5: if we're trying to learn or grow, it needs to

508
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,480
Speaker 5: be for the benefit of who we are and just

509
00:28:58,680 --> 00:29:00,920
Speaker 5: whoever we deal with. So it's almost like if I

510
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:03,880
Speaker 5: was a bad communicator in this relationship, I shouldn't learn

511
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:06,400
Speaker 5: to better communicate for that person. I need to better

512
00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:09,320
Speaker 5: communicate for whoever I'm going to be with. If you

513
00:29:09,440 --> 00:29:12,000
Speaker 5: can't see it in that light, then maybe you're looking

514
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:12,720
Speaker 5: at the wrong thing.

515
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:15,400
Speaker 2: My thing is this. I think it all depends on

516
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:15,760
Speaker 2: what the.

517
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:18,800
Speaker 5: Details of the situation was, what led to the breakup,

518
00:29:19,240 --> 00:29:20,400
Speaker 5: What were you overlooking?

519
00:29:20,480 --> 00:29:21,160
Speaker 2: What was missing?

520
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:24,120
Speaker 5: Are these fixable issues because a lot of people are

521
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:27,480
Speaker 5: trying to win back someone where the issues are not resolved.

522
00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:29,840
Speaker 5: So it's like, what's the point of going back, We're

523
00:29:29,880 --> 00:29:32,320
Speaker 5: just going to go in the same cycle all over again.

524
00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:35,240
Speaker 5: They're letting this idea up. I missed them. I don't

525
00:29:35,240 --> 00:29:37,760
Speaker 5: want to be without them, blind them from the fact

526
00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:40,720
Speaker 5: that you two did not get along well, or you

527
00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:43,680
Speaker 5: two don't want the same things, or you two just

528
00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:47,400
Speaker 5: whatever it is. Maybe there's a lack of sexual satisfaction.

529
00:29:47,440 --> 00:29:48,760
Speaker 5: I don't know why I father need to mention that,

530
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:51,480
Speaker 5: but it happens a lot of times. You have to

531
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:56,200
Speaker 5: stay focused on what led to the end and can

532
00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:59,760
Speaker 5: this be corrected if it can cool But as you

533
00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:04,280
Speaker 5: men correcting, it does not guarantee you they're coming back.

534
00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:09,120
Speaker 5: And even if they will come back, you don't know

535
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:12,760
Speaker 5: when they may need so you may have figured yourself

536
00:30:12,800 --> 00:30:15,600
Speaker 5: out in six months, they might need a year. And

537
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:17,960
Speaker 5: I would argue, if you guys are truly meant for

538
00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,560
Speaker 5: each other and they need a year, you need a year.

539
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:20,800
Speaker 2: Two.

540
00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:23,600
Speaker 5: You're just overlooking some things and you're rushing the process

541
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:24,960
Speaker 5: because you want to get back to them.

542
00:30:25,120 --> 00:30:26,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's I've never found.

543
00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:30,560
Speaker 5: A situation where it was truly only one person who

544
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:33,400
Speaker 5: had problems and the other person was squeaky clean.

545
00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:36,560
Speaker 2: No no, no, no, you thought you were, but you

546
00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:38,360
Speaker 2: have some stuff too you need to correct.

547
00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:41,160
Speaker 5: So I think we have to be honest with ourselves

548
00:30:41,240 --> 00:30:44,479
Speaker 5: and just keep striving to be better, and rather than

549
00:30:44,560 --> 00:30:48,680
Speaker 5: focus on winning them back, just become the best you

550
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 5: because if you do, and there's a true connection there,

551
00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 5: the opportunity will present itself again and you two will

552
00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:56,400
Speaker 5: be able to make something of it.

553
00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:59,800
Speaker 1: And the struggle is that when people finally make that

554
00:31:00,080 --> 00:31:04,960
Speaker 1: decision to break up or let go, the studies show

555
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:08,080
Speaker 1: that the parts of your brain that are activated in

556
00:31:08,160 --> 00:31:12,920
Speaker 1: a breakup are the same as detoxing from cocaine. Right, Like,

557
00:31:13,040 --> 00:31:15,520
Speaker 1: you're literally trying to detox so you can have a

558
00:31:15,680 --> 00:31:20,400
Speaker 1: craving for someone that's bad for you, or also It

559
00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:22,840
Speaker 1: says that the areas of the brain that are activated

560
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:26,040
Speaker 1: in a breakup are the areas that are the same

561
00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:29,320
Speaker 1: with physical pain. So if someone like punching the stomach.

562
00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:31,880
Speaker 1: The reason why we say like my heart feels broken

563
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:36,040
Speaker 1: is because it literally feels like something's broken. So when

564
00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:38,840
Speaker 1: you're going through a breakup, when you're feeling the craving

565
00:31:38,960 --> 00:31:41,200
Speaker 1: to be with that person again, studies showed that eight

566
00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:43,880
Speaker 1: over eighty percent of people are looking at what their

567
00:31:43,920 --> 00:31:46,880
Speaker 1: exes are doing on social media right probably through a

568
00:31:47,120 --> 00:31:50,600
Speaker 1: Finster account or whatever. But you have to know what

569
00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:53,200
Speaker 1: are some of the healthiest tips that you've given to

570
00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:54,920
Speaker 1: people and the people that you've worked with that have

571
00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:57,960
Speaker 1: genuinely helped people moved through a breakup.

572
00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:01,400
Speaker 5: The first thing is to ask yourself again, why was

573
00:32:01,480 --> 00:32:03,880
Speaker 5: I even there? Why am I holding on to this

574
00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:08,120
Speaker 5: individual again? I think sometimes we get so blinded by

575
00:32:09,280 --> 00:32:12,000
Speaker 5: just the experience or our desire to have this person

576
00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:15,960
Speaker 5: forever reason that we overlook what was really missing or

577
00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:19,280
Speaker 5: why this could not work anyway. What you'll also find is,

578
00:32:19,360 --> 00:32:21,240
Speaker 5: and I'm sure there's probably a study on it, where

579
00:32:22,400 --> 00:32:24,360
Speaker 5: if they broke up with you, you ever seen a

580
00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:27,520
Speaker 5: situation it happens on TV a lot where the person

581
00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:29,440
Speaker 5: can be like, Okay, I'm gonna break up with my partner.

582
00:32:29,760 --> 00:32:32,600
Speaker 5: They're planning on it, they've been practicing in their head, right.

583
00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:34,640
Speaker 5: It took them a couple of weeks to muster up

584
00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:36,520
Speaker 5: the strength they're about to do it, and then the

585
00:32:36,600 --> 00:32:39,200
Speaker 5: partner breaks up with them. Now it's, oh my gosh,

586
00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:41,080
Speaker 5: I gotta get them back. So it's like you just

587
00:32:41,200 --> 00:32:44,560
Speaker 5: forgot this whole time. That was your plan. It just

588
00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:47,320
Speaker 5: gave you the pass to do it. But now, because

589
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 5: we don't like to be the one being let go of,

590
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:52,720
Speaker 5: now we're fighting hard to get it back. So we

591
00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:57,040
Speaker 5: have to really not fall into these little traps that

592
00:32:57,200 --> 00:32:59,960
Speaker 5: happened to us as human beings. Our brains just play

593
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:03,880
Speaker 5: tricks on us or something where we confuse these emotions

594
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:06,520
Speaker 5: for oh my gosh, I must really love them, or

595
00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:08,760
Speaker 5: even like you said, you go in through that detox

596
00:33:09,240 --> 00:33:11,880
Speaker 5: and because you miss I always tell people, no matter

597
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:15,440
Speaker 5: how bad relationship was, there's always good moments. So if

598
00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:17,680
Speaker 5: you're trying to break free, you can't just let your

599
00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:21,080
Speaker 5: brain focus on the good moments. You have to remind

600
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:24,560
Speaker 5: yourself why this doesn't work. But if you keep focusing

601
00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:27,160
Speaker 5: on the good, you start to make yourself think, oh,

602
00:33:27,400 --> 00:33:30,360
Speaker 5: because I miss this good moment, I must miss them.

603
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:33,120
Speaker 5: And as this quote that says, sometimes you're not missing

604
00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:36,160
Speaker 5: the person, you're missing the feeling. So you've got to

605
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:39,040
Speaker 5: be able to differentiate those two things. So getting back

606
00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:42,640
Speaker 5: to how we get over these breakups is recognizing why

607
00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:45,080
Speaker 5: were we really there to begin with? You know, could

608
00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:48,800
Speaker 5: this actually work? The next thing is, you know, I'm

609
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:50,400
Speaker 5: a huge believer that a lot of times a breakup

610
00:33:50,480 --> 00:33:54,680
Speaker 5: is a blessing in disguise. Even if there is a

611
00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:57,560
Speaker 5: chance that you two can work together or this is

612
00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:00,680
Speaker 5: the one for you, you may have need this time

613
00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:04,920
Speaker 5: to reevaluate and get things in order. Something is obviously wrong,

614
00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:08,279
Speaker 5: even if you it may be something as deep as

615
00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:11,759
Speaker 5: because I've seen situations where everything was going amazingly well

616
00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:14,960
Speaker 5: on the surface and the person broke up with them.

617
00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:17,400
Speaker 5: Let's say the woman lets go of the man, so

618
00:34:17,600 --> 00:34:19,920
Speaker 5: to the man, that's really confusing. But what it was

619
00:34:20,080 --> 00:34:22,759
Speaker 5: is that that woman, she had not healed from her

620
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:26,840
Speaker 5: past relationships, and this relationship being so good, was scaring her.

621
00:34:27,280 --> 00:34:30,719
Speaker 5: And what happens is the better you are, the scarier

622
00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:33,600
Speaker 5: it becomes for her. She's looking for something to be wrong.

623
00:34:33,719 --> 00:34:36,680
Speaker 5: She has to validate her fear somehow. When she can't

624
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:40,200
Speaker 5: find it, she'll either sabotage the relationship or she'll run

625
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:43,239
Speaker 5: from it. So to that man, it may seem like

626
00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:46,880
Speaker 5: this is so unfair, which, yeah, it sucks, But if

627
00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:49,840
Speaker 5: this woman didn't break up with you now, you were

628
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:52,400
Speaker 5: in never be going to face this same ending but

629
00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:56,000
Speaker 5: at a worse time. All Right, this is still best

630
00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:58,800
Speaker 5: that it's happening now, at least if she can go

631
00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:01,000
Speaker 5: do what she needs to do. There's a chance for

632
00:35:01,080 --> 00:35:03,360
Speaker 5: this to come back around later, but it's hard for

633
00:35:03,480 --> 00:35:05,839
Speaker 5: us to see it in the moment. So I think,

634
00:35:06,040 --> 00:35:08,760
Speaker 5: just really, we also have to focus on our healing

635
00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:12,040
Speaker 5: whenever a breakup happens. The mistake we make is that

636
00:35:12,160 --> 00:35:15,080
Speaker 5: we think it's about healing from the breakup. No, it's

637
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:18,720
Speaker 5: healing from everything you've been through. You've probably been sweeping

638
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:22,000
Speaker 5: under the rug your childhood trauma for years, maybe the

639
00:35:22,120 --> 00:35:27,160
Speaker 5: last two three relationships, whatever it is, so and not

640
00:35:27,360 --> 00:35:30,440
Speaker 5: healing from those things is contributing to your struggle to

641
00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:34,799
Speaker 5: get past this breakup, and contributing to why you even chose.

642
00:35:34,560 --> 00:35:35,759
Speaker 2: This person to begin with.

643
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,279
Speaker 5: I'm a huge believer that if you haven't healed, you

644
00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:42,279
Speaker 5: are ninety percent likely to choose the wrong person. It's

645
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:45,960
Speaker 5: just too difficult to pick that person that you truly

646
00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:49,160
Speaker 5: love and can truly love you and accept that level

647
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:52,919
Speaker 5: of vulnerability when you have still not resolved your past

648
00:35:53,000 --> 00:35:56,120
Speaker 5: traumas and past hurts. So to me, that's the next

649
00:35:56,239 --> 00:35:59,280
Speaker 5: big thing is just focus on your healing process because

650
00:35:59,320 --> 00:36:02,239
Speaker 5: in that process, says you will also be able to

651
00:36:02,280 --> 00:36:05,279
Speaker 5: see more clearly if this is really for you or not.

652
00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:07,520
Speaker 2: Like walking around.

653
00:36:07,400 --> 00:36:10,040
Speaker 5: Unhealed is like walking around with broken glasses. You can't

654
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:13,160
Speaker 5: see straight no matter how hard you try. But healing

655
00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:16,480
Speaker 5: will clear up your vision really really fast. And now

656
00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:18,799
Speaker 5: it'd be like, oh, wait a minute, I didn't belong there.

657
00:36:19,080 --> 00:36:22,759
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, thank god the breakup happened. You know,

658
00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:24,960
Speaker 2: now I'm in a better place. I move forward.

659
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:27,160
Speaker 5: So to me, I think and I would say in

660
00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:30,680
Speaker 5: addition to those things, is just have an accountability partner,

661
00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:36,560
Speaker 5: whether that's friend, coach, therapist, someone that can help keep

662
00:36:36,640 --> 00:36:39,200
Speaker 5: you in check, help remind you what you need to do,

663
00:36:39,719 --> 00:36:41,560
Speaker 5: someone that you know you have to talk to and

664
00:36:41,760 --> 00:36:43,919
Speaker 5: update what's going on so that you feel like, Okay,

665
00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:45,239
Speaker 5: I don't want to come back to them saying I'm

666
00:36:45,280 --> 00:36:47,960
Speaker 5: doing the same thing over and over again. It doesn't

667
00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:51,680
Speaker 5: guarantee success, but it helps, It helps move the needles some.

668
00:36:52,239 --> 00:36:53,640
Speaker 5: So I would highly encourage that.

669
00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:57,640
Speaker 1: That one mindset you spoke about that that changes everything.

670
00:36:57,719 --> 00:37:00,960
Speaker 1: And it hit me today. I was just thinking if

671
00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:06,160
Speaker 1: we were just able in a moment to recognize that

672
00:37:06,400 --> 00:37:10,799
Speaker 1: something painful now was going to be good for us

673
00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:14,640
Speaker 1: in five years time, that would change so many things

674
00:37:14,760 --> 00:37:19,120
Speaker 1: in our life. But we're so poor at dealing with

675
00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:24,880
Speaker 1: current pain, even if it means future joy, that we

676
00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:27,480
Speaker 1: just can't accept that I have to go through this

677
00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:32,000
Speaker 1: in everything, right, Like knowing that someone breaking up with

678
00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:35,480
Speaker 1: you just saved you ten years of a wasted life

679
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:38,040
Speaker 1: is so much more than knowing you're going to have

680
00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:40,680
Speaker 1: to go through a few months of pain and ten

681
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:42,279
Speaker 1: months of pain. Maybe it's a bit longer, maybe it's

682
00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:45,640
Speaker 1: two three years, but we just have to get our

683
00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:48,360
Speaker 1: head around that that sometimes the best things that happened

684
00:37:48,360 --> 00:37:51,960
Speaker 1: to you are protecting more of your life than the

685
00:37:52,040 --> 00:37:52,960
Speaker 1: pain that they're causing.

686
00:37:53,080 --> 00:37:55,320
Speaker 2: You need the piece of knowing I did what I

687
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:55,920
Speaker 2: needed to do.

688
00:37:56,320 --> 00:37:56,680
Speaker 1: That's it.

689
00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:59,759
Speaker 5: Because a time you feel like well maybe I could

690
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:01,760
Speaker 5: have done this, but I could have done that leaves

691
00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:03,520
Speaker 5: the door open for doubts.

692
00:38:04,120 --> 00:38:05,000
Speaker 2: Well exactly.

693
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:06,759
Speaker 5: So it's like, and that's why I'm such a big

694
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:09,000
Speaker 5: believer in you know, there's people who say, well, once

695
00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,600
Speaker 5: they're done, they're done, they'll just move on. And I'm like, no, no, no,

696
00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:15,160
Speaker 5: express yourself, get everything off your chest because you don't

697
00:38:15,200 --> 00:38:18,200
Speaker 5: need anything to linger. And you questioning, well, what if

698
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:21,840
Speaker 5: I did this different? No, make speak your full peace,

699
00:38:22,480 --> 00:38:24,400
Speaker 5: and now you can say, all right, I did what

700
00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:24,880
Speaker 5: I had to do.

701
00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:26,000
Speaker 2: It is what it is.

702
00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:28,720
Speaker 5: I move forward, and I mean it makes it easier.

703
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:30,719
Speaker 5: It may not make it one hundred percent, you know,

704
00:38:31,000 --> 00:38:34,000
Speaker 5: not an issue whatsoever, but it's going to be easier.

705
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:37,880
Speaker 5: And I'll say also for me, that's why, like my

706
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:40,600
Speaker 5: relationship with God is so important because that's where I

707
00:38:40,719 --> 00:38:43,560
Speaker 5: find my peace in dealing with a situation that doesn't

708
00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:46,120
Speaker 5: work out the way I want to. I always tell myself, Okay,

709
00:38:46,160 --> 00:38:48,160
Speaker 5: if this isn't working out, God has something better for me.

710
00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:50,520
Speaker 5: You know, if this is happening right now, there's a

711
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:53,280
Speaker 5: purpose because I know if I followed his guidance throughout

712
00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:56,320
Speaker 5: this process, then there's no need for me to question

713
00:38:56,840 --> 00:38:59,680
Speaker 5: why is this the current outcome. There's a reason for this,

714
00:38:59,840 --> 00:39:01,879
Speaker 5: and I've been through these things enough times to see.

715
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:04,440
Speaker 5: As you mentioned, the reward is going to come. It

716
00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:06,520
Speaker 5: may come next week, it may come years from now.

717
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:08,799
Speaker 5: It will come and I'll be able to see how

718
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:09,640
Speaker 5: it all connected.

719
00:39:10,160 --> 00:39:13,360
Speaker 1: Now, be honest with me, how many of you have

720
00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:17,960
Speaker 1: gone through a breakup and then just started craving your

721
00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:20,920
Speaker 1: ex where you're now looking at their social media profiles,

722
00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:24,120
Speaker 1: You're looking at old text messages, You're talking to your

723
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:26,399
Speaker 1: friends who know that person and trying to find out

724
00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:29,640
Speaker 1: what they're up to. It can drive us crazy, because

725
00:39:29,719 --> 00:39:33,480
Speaker 1: breakups can actually make you crave your ex like an addiction.

726
00:39:34,120 --> 00:39:37,760
Speaker 1: That's what our next guest, New York Times best selling

727
00:39:37,840 --> 00:39:42,760
Speaker 1: author Est Parrel and relationship therapist for decades, talks about.

728
00:39:42,920 --> 00:39:47,040
Speaker 1: In this clip, we also learn about how a lot

729
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:49,640
Speaker 1: of the challenges that we face in our relationship, a

730
00:39:49,680 --> 00:39:53,600
Speaker 1: lot of the conflicts actually come from our own fears.

731
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:57,320
Speaker 1: If you find yourself always being insecure in a relationship,

732
00:39:57,760 --> 00:40:01,120
Speaker 1: if you're always second guessing that person's into if you're

733
00:40:01,120 --> 00:40:05,120
Speaker 1: always questioning whether they're truly emotionally available, or really care

734
00:40:05,200 --> 00:40:06,440
Speaker 1: for you, or really there for you.

735
00:40:07,520 --> 00:40:08,800
Speaker 2: This clip is for you.

736
00:40:09,560 --> 00:40:13,520
Speaker 1: I've seen research that shows how when someone breaks up

737
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:16,719
Speaker 1: with you, or when you break up with someone, you

738
00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:21,120
Speaker 1: almost crave them like we crave an addiction that may

739
00:40:21,160 --> 00:40:23,120
Speaker 1: even be unhealthy for us at times. Why do you

740
00:40:23,200 --> 00:40:25,759
Speaker 1: use the word grief and can you walk us through

741
00:40:26,440 --> 00:40:28,959
Speaker 1: both of those losses of identity that you spoke about

742
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:29,560
Speaker 1: on either end.

743
00:40:29,840 --> 00:40:34,440
Speaker 7: So grief is because I think every choice comes with loss.

744
00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:38,479
Speaker 7: The consequence is the choice you didn't make. And even

745
00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:40,640
Speaker 7: though you think this is the right choice and this

746
00:40:40,840 --> 00:40:43,480
Speaker 7: is what I must do, the grief may be the

747
00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:45,719
Speaker 7: fact that you didn't you were not capable of making

748
00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:48,760
Speaker 7: this thing work, or that you had such high hopes

749
00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:52,080
Speaker 7: and it didn't materialize, or that you have wished that

750
00:40:52,200 --> 00:40:54,440
Speaker 7: you didn't make some mistakes that you made, or that

751
00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:57,160
Speaker 7: you wish you had left sooner. There's lots of thing

752
00:40:57,239 --> 00:41:01,640
Speaker 7: fruit waists, but there is no choice that doesn't have loss,

753
00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:04,640
Speaker 7: and therefore some grief attached to it. And that is

754
00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:07,160
Speaker 7: the nature of the beast. That does not mean that

755
00:41:07,280 --> 00:41:10,440
Speaker 7: you didn't make the right choice. In terms of heartbreak,

756
00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:15,160
Speaker 7: it's a different part. Yes, some people experience heartbreak with

757
00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:18,800
Speaker 7: such an ache, with such a sense of longing and

758
00:41:18,960 --> 00:41:22,359
Speaker 7: such a sense of fracturing on the inside, that they

759
00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:26,320
Speaker 7: are that their longing becomes obsessive, that they are trapped

760
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:31,920
Speaker 7: in rumination, and that it experienced like a withdrawal. That

761
00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:35,520
Speaker 7: is not all breakups, but that is the extreme kind

762
00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:39,360
Speaker 7: of breakup which has been compared to an addiction because

763
00:41:39,400 --> 00:41:42,200
Speaker 7: of the intense sense of withdrawal and because it takes

764
00:41:42,239 --> 00:41:44,120
Speaker 7: place in the same centers in the brain.

765
00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:47,440
Speaker 1: And you talked about there. How you know, trying to

766
00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:52,360
Speaker 1: change the other person isn't necessarily the focus, but for

767
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:55,600
Speaker 1: so many of us, that seems to be the problem.

768
00:41:55,719 --> 00:41:59,799
Speaker 1: The problem seems to be the other person's behaviors, their attitude,

769
00:42:00,280 --> 00:42:03,440
Speaker 1: their approach to life, maybe their aspirations. I hear a

770
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:06,359
Speaker 1: lot of people say things like they don't dream enough,

771
00:42:06,880 --> 00:42:09,719
Speaker 1: they don't dream, they dream too little, right, Like it's

772
00:42:09,880 --> 00:42:10,920
Speaker 1: much too much, right, that's it.

773
00:42:11,040 --> 00:42:11,200
Speaker 2: Yeah.

774
00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:14,120
Speaker 1: I hear some people say they don't dream enough, they

775
00:42:14,280 --> 00:42:17,680
Speaker 1: dream too much. I hear people say, oh, they have

776
00:42:17,840 --> 00:42:20,200
Speaker 1: too many friends, they have no friends, right. I see

777
00:42:20,239 --> 00:42:23,879
Speaker 1: people at both ends of the spectrum. We always seem

778
00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:27,160
Speaker 1: to have issues with how our partners live. And what

779
00:42:27,239 --> 00:42:29,759
Speaker 1: I've learned, at least in my own personal reflection. And

780
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:34,440
Speaker 1: I've found is that for a long time in my relationships,

781
00:42:34,560 --> 00:42:37,640
Speaker 1: I often projected the way I lived onto my partner.

782
00:42:37,719 --> 00:42:41,120
Speaker 1: And we so strongly believe that the way we live

783
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:44,759
Speaker 1: is right, the way we were brought up is right,

784
00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:47,399
Speaker 1: that we want our partner to kind of follow suit.

785
00:42:48,120 --> 00:42:50,920
Speaker 1: And I always give this very small example from my

786
00:42:50,960 --> 00:42:54,960
Speaker 1: own home. But in my house, we used to eat,

787
00:42:55,719 --> 00:42:57,520
Speaker 1: hang out, and then at the end of the night,

788
00:42:57,560 --> 00:43:00,680
Speaker 1: we'd wash the dishes. In my wife's home, they used

789
00:43:00,719 --> 00:43:03,360
Speaker 1: to eat, wash the dishes, and then hang out. And

790
00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:05,520
Speaker 1: so when we got married and we started living together,

791
00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:08,320
Speaker 1: and when we were having friends over or whatever it

792
00:43:08,400 --> 00:43:10,640
Speaker 1: may be, in my mind, we're gonna eat, we're gonna

793
00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:12,400
Speaker 1: hang out, and then we're gonna wash the dishes. Now

794
00:43:12,480 --> 00:43:14,839
Speaker 1: my wife's sat mind, she's thinking, we're gonna eat. Now

795
00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:16,360
Speaker 1: we have to clean up, make sure everything's clean, and

796
00:43:16,440 --> 00:43:18,799
Speaker 1: then we can hang out. And something as little as

797
00:43:18,880 --> 00:43:24,160
Speaker 1: that can cause so much friction and bad communication and

798
00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:27,080
Speaker 1: feelings of oh, you don't care about me, and you

799
00:43:27,160 --> 00:43:29,440
Speaker 1: don't love me, and you don't appreciate me, or you

800
00:43:29,520 --> 00:43:31,839
Speaker 1: don't value the work. And there's so much that comes

801
00:43:31,840 --> 00:43:34,759
Speaker 1: from something and That's just a very small example. But

802
00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:37,759
Speaker 1: it's interesting to me that in that scenario, we both

803
00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:42,879
Speaker 1: had not created a new belief system for our relationship,

804
00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:46,680
Speaker 1: but we're operating based on two old belief systems that

805
00:43:46,760 --> 00:43:51,759
Speaker 1: we'd simply adopted. Walk us through whether you agree, whether

806
00:43:51,760 --> 00:43:54,200
Speaker 1: you disagree, whether you can edit that, reveal more to

807
00:43:54,400 --> 00:43:57,640
Speaker 1: us about I find so many of our challenges exist

808
00:43:57,719 --> 00:44:01,719
Speaker 1: because we project our operating system onto someone else rather

809
00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:02,879
Speaker 1: than creating one with them.

810
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:05,000
Speaker 7: I like the way you call it the operating system.

811
00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:08,280
Speaker 7: So I'm going to take a sentence that you highlighted

812
00:44:08,400 --> 00:44:11,640
Speaker 7: and start from there. You said, here, we were fighting

813
00:44:11,680 --> 00:44:14,440
Speaker 7: about what's the right moment to do the dishes, But

814
00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:17,839
Speaker 7: in fact, what we were talking about is you don't care,

815
00:44:18,120 --> 00:44:20,920
Speaker 7: you don't see me, you don't appreciate me, you want

816
00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:24,680
Speaker 7: it your way. And what you're highlighting here is something

817
00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:28,080
Speaker 7: that I've actually talked a lot about in a new

818
00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:31,080
Speaker 7: course that I'm doing on conflict, which is exactly that

819
00:44:31,239 --> 00:44:34,800
Speaker 7: how do you turn conflict into connection? And one of

820
00:44:34,880 --> 00:44:36,880
Speaker 7: the things I say is that it's not what you

821
00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:41,000
Speaker 7: fight about, it's what you fight for. You were fighting

822
00:44:41,120 --> 00:44:44,360
Speaker 7: for recognition, you were fighting for power and control. You

823
00:44:44,480 --> 00:44:48,200
Speaker 7: were fighting for respect, you were fighting for trust and closeness.

824
00:44:49,040 --> 00:44:52,840
Speaker 7: Underneath the fight, there are usually three sets of issues

825
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:57,840
Speaker 7: that we are actually fighting for, and that is power, trust,

826
00:44:58,080 --> 00:45:02,120
Speaker 7: and value. So you don't value me. You know, I

827
00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:04,440
Speaker 7: worked on this dish, on this cooking, I've made this

828
00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:06,840
Speaker 7: nice meal I prepared. I try to be kind to

829
00:45:06,880 --> 00:45:10,880
Speaker 7: your friends, and you don't value me. Once you've understood that,

830
00:45:11,360 --> 00:45:14,840
Speaker 7: what is the hidden dimension that you are actually fighting for?

831
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:18,760
Speaker 7: The fight, the dishes, the when to do them becomes

832
00:45:18,960 --> 00:45:23,200
Speaker 7: a lot more clear, a lot more clear, rather than

833
00:45:24,040 --> 00:45:26,880
Speaker 7: it's not just I'm imposing my belief on you and

834
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:29,279
Speaker 7: I wanted to do my way because my way is

835
00:45:29,320 --> 00:45:32,440
Speaker 7: the right way. That's you may think this way. But

836
00:45:32,960 --> 00:45:35,760
Speaker 7: the question is what happens when you have to confront

837
00:45:35,800 --> 00:45:38,720
Speaker 7: yourself with someone who is different. I mean, everything about

838
00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:43,200
Speaker 7: relationships is about straddling sameness and difference, you know, And

839
00:45:43,360 --> 00:45:46,320
Speaker 7: when you are a couple's therapists, it's very typical that

840
00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:48,760
Speaker 7: people come to you and I a drop off center,

841
00:45:48,920 --> 00:45:52,120
Speaker 7: right They tell you, you know, here my relationship, here's

842
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:54,080
Speaker 7: my partner. Let me tell you what's wrong with them,

843
00:45:54,080 --> 00:45:55,960
Speaker 7: and maybe you can fix them, and I'll help you

844
00:45:58,080 --> 00:46:01,160
Speaker 7: I'll be your right jumps on how to make my

845
00:46:01,320 --> 00:46:05,680
Speaker 7: partner understand why my family's way of doing things is

846
00:46:05,800 --> 00:46:08,719
Speaker 7: the best way of doing things. It's a very good way.

847
00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:11,279
Speaker 7: And so then the question is if you have to

848
00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:14,160
Speaker 7: change your mind, does that mean that it's a loss

849
00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:18,120
Speaker 7: of your identity or can you actually experience that as

850
00:46:18,160 --> 00:46:20,840
Speaker 7: an expansion, as something that you let in. How do

851
00:46:20,880 --> 00:46:24,440
Speaker 7: you let the other person influence you without being constantly

852
00:46:24,760 --> 00:46:27,360
Speaker 7: in the defense of your You know, this is my

853
00:46:27,520 --> 00:46:30,600
Speaker 7: flag and here are my values or my operation system.

854
00:46:31,040 --> 00:46:33,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, I really really relate to what you're saying. And

855
00:46:33,920 --> 00:46:36,040
Speaker 1: I love how you've broken it down to what we're

856
00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:39,640
Speaker 1: fighting for versus what we're fighting about. I think that's brilliant.

857
00:46:39,640 --> 00:46:41,080
Speaker 1: And that's from your masterclass, right.

858
00:46:41,200 --> 00:46:43,240
Speaker 7: No, this is from my own new course.

859
00:46:43,360 --> 00:46:44,040
Speaker 1: Oh, this is from that.

860
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:47,640
Speaker 7: I am coming out with it very soon. And that's

861
00:46:47,800 --> 00:46:51,440
Speaker 7: really about letting people have a very different view and

862
00:46:51,560 --> 00:46:55,480
Speaker 7: set of skills for handling conflict like this one. You know,

863
00:46:55,600 --> 00:46:58,120
Speaker 7: at first it was a nice thing. You didn't fight about.

864
00:46:58,200 --> 00:47:00,840
Speaker 7: You just said we do it all, No, let's do

865
00:47:00,920 --> 00:47:04,600
Speaker 7: it now, and then slowly, because you couldn't come into

866
00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:08,480
Speaker 7: an unified agreement, it became a point of contention, and

867
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:12,120
Speaker 7: then that point of contention became the go to every

868
00:47:12,200 --> 00:47:15,680
Speaker 7: time you need to talk about your backgrounds, your values,

869
00:47:15,840 --> 00:47:18,439
Speaker 7: your style, your priorities, your way of doing.

870
00:47:19,160 --> 00:47:21,600
Speaker 1: I think we feel so robbed, or at least when

871
00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:23,960
Speaker 1: I speak to people about this, they feel so robbed,

872
00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:27,399
Speaker 1: as you said, of their identity, but also, as you said,

873
00:47:27,840 --> 00:47:31,000
Speaker 1: people feel robbed of their power that if I give

874
00:47:31,080 --> 00:47:35,680
Speaker 1: in to this other person, my partner may be the

875
00:47:35,800 --> 00:47:39,759
Speaker 1: more powerful one in the relationship. Or if I concede,

876
00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:43,319
Speaker 1: then in the future when we're making decisions, they're going

877
00:47:43,400 --> 00:47:45,400
Speaker 1: to think I'm going to concede. And often that is

878
00:47:45,480 --> 00:47:49,000
Speaker 1: the case that people get into relationships because they think

879
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:52,719
Speaker 1: the other person is submissive or conceding to them or

880
00:47:52,719 --> 00:47:54,759
Speaker 1: agrees with them on everything they say, and then one

881
00:47:54,800 --> 00:47:57,040
Speaker 1: day that person goes, wait a minute, I didn't realize

882
00:47:57,080 --> 00:47:58,880
Speaker 1: I just gave up everything I care about for you.

883
00:47:59,120 --> 00:48:03,000
Speaker 1: And so how does one learn how to practice that

884
00:48:03,160 --> 00:48:08,520
Speaker 1: humility and giving up of power or is the solution

885
00:48:08,680 --> 00:48:12,000
Speaker 1: a unified agreement as you called it? Just there? What

886
00:48:12,600 --> 00:48:14,239
Speaker 1: are we trying to unravel? How do we do that?

887
00:48:14,320 --> 00:48:17,719
Speaker 7: Because I think that but you just betrayed yourself in

888
00:48:17,880 --> 00:48:24,360
Speaker 7: the question okay, your whole question is framed in power terms. Concede, acquiesce,

889
00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:30,520
Speaker 7: give in loss of self, loss of power. Yes, some

890
00:48:30,760 --> 00:48:33,320
Speaker 7: people feel this way. That is one frame for some

891
00:48:33,480 --> 00:48:37,200
Speaker 7: people to enter into a relationship. But if I actually

892
00:48:37,880 --> 00:48:41,480
Speaker 7: change the word power, I could go like this. In

893
00:48:41,680 --> 00:48:45,680
Speaker 7: every relationship, you will find that there often is one

894
00:48:45,800 --> 00:48:49,640
Speaker 7: person who is more afraid of losing the other, and

895
00:48:49,800 --> 00:48:54,359
Speaker 7: one person who is more afraid of losing themselves. One

896
00:48:54,440 --> 00:48:58,480
Speaker 7: person more afraid of abandonment and rejection, therefore more likely

897
00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:02,240
Speaker 7: to acquiesce, to pacify, to placate, to say yes until

898
00:49:02,320 --> 00:49:06,719
Speaker 7: maybe one day not, and one person more afraid of suffocation,

899
00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:09,800
Speaker 7: and therefore they fight for their ideas, their ways of

900
00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:13,800
Speaker 7: doing it. The timing of the dishes, and that is

901
00:49:13,960 --> 00:49:18,200
Speaker 7: less about power. That is more about the nature of connection.

902
00:49:19,239 --> 00:49:22,759
Speaker 7: The majority of power struggles in a relationship are not

903
00:49:23,160 --> 00:49:25,600
Speaker 7: power struggles. Power is the defense.

904
00:49:26,360 --> 00:49:27,000
Speaker 1: The control.

905
00:49:27,120 --> 00:49:30,160
Speaker 7: Battle is the way people are defending, trying to get

906
00:49:30,280 --> 00:49:33,480
Speaker 7: something for something else that they are worried about. It's

907
00:49:33,560 --> 00:49:36,880
Speaker 7: the surface behavior. You know, some people, when they're afraid,

908
00:49:37,080 --> 00:49:40,320
Speaker 7: they fight, but the issue is not fighting. The issue

909
00:49:40,400 --> 00:49:42,520
Speaker 7: is that they're actually afraid and they're trying to deal

910
00:49:42,600 --> 00:49:46,440
Speaker 7: with their fear by gaining control. So don't just go

911
00:49:46,600 --> 00:49:49,800
Speaker 7: for what you see, because what you see isn't necessarily

912
00:49:50,000 --> 00:49:53,760
Speaker 7: just what it is. Go always looking at the level below,

913
00:49:53,960 --> 00:49:55,520
Speaker 7: Otherwise you're going to have a lot of this.

914
00:49:55,920 --> 00:49:59,399
Speaker 1: Yeah. Now, the most painful thing that we all feel

915
00:49:59,480 --> 00:50:02,799
Speaker 1: when we go or a breakup is that we don't

916
00:50:02,840 --> 00:50:06,680
Speaker 1: even lose faith in that person. We start to lose

917
00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:11,239
Speaker 1: faith in love, and especially we start to feel not

918
00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:15,320
Speaker 1: only do they not love us, we start to question

919
00:50:15,520 --> 00:50:19,160
Speaker 1: whether we're worthy of love. We feel unlovable. We feel like,

920
00:50:19,200 --> 00:50:21,600
Speaker 1: will I ever meet someone? Maybe you're thinking of this

921
00:50:21,719 --> 00:50:25,560
Speaker 1: right now, will I ever meet someone who love me again?

922
00:50:26,320 --> 00:50:28,279
Speaker 1: First of all, they didn't even love you, But we think,

923
00:50:28,360 --> 00:50:31,000
Speaker 1: will someone ever love me again? We ask us off

924
00:50:31,040 --> 00:50:32,600
Speaker 1: the question. Maybe you're thinking of this right now, like

925
00:50:32,880 --> 00:50:34,920
Speaker 1: will I ever meet someone who will commit to me,

926
00:50:35,040 --> 00:50:37,120
Speaker 1: who will be loyal to me, who'll.

927
00:50:36,960 --> 00:50:37,920
Speaker 2: Actually be with me?

928
00:50:38,560 --> 00:50:41,040
Speaker 1: If you're asking some of those questions, this next clip

929
00:50:41,080 --> 00:50:45,080
Speaker 1: from mel Robins is going to really resonate with you

930
00:50:45,800 --> 00:50:48,720
Speaker 1: because she talks about how to go through a breakup

931
00:50:48,840 --> 00:50:52,760
Speaker 1: in a really practical way. Should you contact them, should

932
00:50:52,800 --> 00:50:55,960
Speaker 1: you try and make them jealous? All those emotions and

933
00:50:56,040 --> 00:50:58,360
Speaker 1: feelings we go through. If you listen to this next clip,

934
00:50:58,960 --> 00:51:01,360
Speaker 1: it's gonna help you make the right decisions.

935
00:51:02,520 --> 00:51:03,000
Speaker 2: Take a look.

936
00:51:03,719 --> 00:51:07,520
Speaker 8: When somebody leaves that you love, you think you're unlovable.

937
00:51:08,320 --> 00:51:11,239
Speaker 8: You actually think you're never gonna find it again. You

938
00:51:11,480 --> 00:51:15,040
Speaker 8: hate yourself. That's why most of the advice about this

939
00:51:15,320 --> 00:51:20,200
Speaker 8: is complete bullshit. Go love yourself. How am I going

940
00:51:20,280 --> 00:51:22,239
Speaker 8: to go love myself and the person I love more

941
00:51:22,320 --> 00:51:27,120
Speaker 8: than anything just left me. I hate myself, I despise myself.

942
00:51:27,280 --> 00:51:29,080
Speaker 8: I am terrified of the day that they're going to

943
00:51:29,200 --> 00:51:32,279
Speaker 8: meet somebody. I'm never gonna find that again. I'm never

944
00:51:32,320 --> 00:51:34,080
Speaker 8: going to have sex like that again. I'm not like

945
00:51:34,520 --> 00:51:39,600
Speaker 8: you hate yourself and so telling somebody to just go

946
00:51:39,719 --> 00:51:44,200
Speaker 8: on a revenge diet or leon love yourself it's horrible. Instead,

947
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:48,000
Speaker 8: I want you to face reality they left, let them

948
00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:53,040
Speaker 8: and then let me grieve and follow my therapist and

949
00:51:53,239 --> 00:51:55,920
Speaker 8: Davin's advice. You have to do a thirty day detox,

950
00:51:55,960 --> 00:51:58,160
Speaker 8: and if you are somebody that's been holding on to

951
00:51:58,239 --> 00:52:01,520
Speaker 8: somebody that left a year ape go, I guarantee you

952
00:52:01,680 --> 00:52:03,719
Speaker 8: you have not gone thirty days without listening to a

953
00:52:03,800 --> 00:52:06,520
Speaker 8: voice memo or looking at a photo. You are keeping

954
00:52:06,600 --> 00:52:10,919
Speaker 8: them alive, which is keeping you trapped in something that's dead,

955
00:52:12,400 --> 00:52:15,919
Speaker 8: and your inability to let them go and let them leave,

956
00:52:17,040 --> 00:52:22,360
Speaker 8: and then let me accept reality and start moving forward,

957
00:52:22,480 --> 00:52:26,480
Speaker 8: and let me believe that the person that I am

958
00:52:26,560 --> 00:52:29,440
Speaker 8: meant to meet, they are in the future. They're not

959
00:52:29,520 --> 00:52:32,400
Speaker 8: in my past. And by the way, even if you

960
00:52:32,600 --> 00:52:35,040
Speaker 8: kind of hold out secretly hope it might be the

961
00:52:35,120 --> 00:52:38,759
Speaker 8: person from the past, it might be, but they're not

962
00:52:38,920 --> 00:52:41,320
Speaker 8: the version from back there, and neither are you, and

963
00:52:41,440 --> 00:52:44,719
Speaker 8: neither are you, and so you have to again come

964
00:52:44,760 --> 00:52:46,880
Speaker 8: back to where the power is. It's not in getting

965
00:52:46,920 --> 00:52:49,880
Speaker 8: them back, it's not in making them jealous, because if

966
00:52:49,960 --> 00:52:53,520
Speaker 8: you focus on making that person jealous, or where are

967
00:52:53,520 --> 00:52:57,200
Speaker 8: you putting your power then and something you can't control,

968
00:52:58,239 --> 00:53:00,920
Speaker 8: you have to put your power here. And the reason

969
00:53:00,960 --> 00:53:03,240
Speaker 8: why I love the thirty day rule in the eleven

970
00:53:03,320 --> 00:53:05,080
Speaker 8: week mark is because it's the truth.

971
00:53:05,640 --> 00:53:06,520
Speaker 1: This is going to suck.

972
00:53:07,840 --> 00:53:10,600
Speaker 8: The only way to get over someone and to go

973
00:53:10,719 --> 00:53:13,000
Speaker 8: through heartbreak is to go through it. There's no avoiding it,

974
00:53:13,680 --> 00:53:16,880
Speaker 8: there's only delaying it. And we delay it because we

975
00:53:17,000 --> 00:53:20,839
Speaker 8: don't want to accept people as they are. Yeah, when

976
00:53:20,920 --> 00:53:23,560
Speaker 8: somebody breaks up and leaves or cheats on you. They

977
00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:26,879
Speaker 8: have just revealed who they are for sure, and your

978
00:53:27,040 --> 00:53:31,840
Speaker 8: inability to accept it instead of explaining it away and

979
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:35,239
Speaker 8: living in a fantasy up here. That's what's keeping you

980
00:53:35,360 --> 00:53:38,160
Speaker 8: from having and creating the love you actually deserve and

981
00:53:38,239 --> 00:53:38,919
Speaker 8: want in your life.

982
00:53:39,200 --> 00:53:41,440
Speaker 1: I was talking to a friend recently, and everything you're

983
00:53:41,440 --> 00:53:44,200
Speaker 1: saying is just so true, and it's resonating so strongly

984
00:53:44,320 --> 00:53:46,880
Speaker 1: to me. I was doing to a friend recently and

985
00:53:47,040 --> 00:53:52,239
Speaker 1: she was saying to me, I wish my friend would

986
00:53:52,320 --> 00:53:55,200
Speaker 1: just be honest with me. I wish this person who's

987
00:53:55,239 --> 00:53:57,920
Speaker 1: just screwed me over, just let me down, would just

988
00:53:58,040 --> 00:54:01,000
Speaker 1: be honest with me rather than pretending to be my friend.

989
00:54:02,080 --> 00:54:04,640
Speaker 1: And I said to them, they are being honest with you.

990
00:54:05,400 --> 00:54:09,200
Speaker 1: Them lying is showing you their truth. That's how much

991
00:54:09,239 --> 00:54:12,239
Speaker 1: they value you. Them pretending to be your friend is

992
00:54:12,360 --> 00:54:15,239
Speaker 1: their truth. You don't want the truth. Actually, you want

993
00:54:15,280 --> 00:54:17,400
Speaker 1: them to lie to you, and you want them to

994
00:54:17,440 --> 00:54:20,120
Speaker 1: be someone else. You want them to become the honest person.

995
00:54:20,640 --> 00:54:22,920
Speaker 1: But they're showing you that they're not an honest person.

996
00:54:23,360 --> 00:54:24,360
Speaker 1: That is the truth.

997
00:54:24,520 --> 00:54:26,320
Speaker 8: It's true. And here's the other thing. Why are you

998
00:54:26,440 --> 00:54:29,080
Speaker 8: pretending to be this person's friend and not bringing it up.

999
00:54:29,480 --> 00:54:31,560
Speaker 8: Why is it on them to tell you the truth?

1000
00:54:32,200 --> 00:54:34,920
Speaker 8: Let them lie to you and then come to the

1001
00:54:35,000 --> 00:54:40,040
Speaker 8: let me part. If aren't you pretending that you're their friend,

1002
00:54:40,080 --> 00:54:42,760
Speaker 8: if you haven't brought this up, and you're actually holding

1003
00:54:42,880 --> 00:54:48,000
Speaker 8: that in your head right, There are so many applications

1004
00:54:48,040 --> 00:54:53,920
Speaker 8: of this, it's just incredible. And the thing that I'm

1005
00:54:54,080 --> 00:54:59,000
Speaker 8: really really excited about is that, you know, the other

1006
00:54:59,400 --> 00:55:01,880
Speaker 8: massive thing saying that I think this is going to

1007
00:55:01,920 --> 00:55:03,960
Speaker 8: help people with is that one other way that you

1008
00:55:04,040 --> 00:55:08,840
Speaker 8: make people a massive problem is that you see somebody

1009
00:55:08,880 --> 00:55:13,320
Speaker 8: else's success or happiness or the things that they achieve

1010
00:55:13,480 --> 00:55:17,560
Speaker 8: in their life is somehow robbing you of yours. And

1011
00:55:18,320 --> 00:55:21,440
Speaker 8: the thing about life is that you're never playing against people.

1012
00:55:21,600 --> 00:55:26,279
Speaker 8: You play with them. And somebody else's success, happiness, love,

1013
00:55:26,840 --> 00:55:29,640
Speaker 8: like the things that they achieve, it's in limitless supply.

1014
00:55:30,600 --> 00:55:34,040
Speaker 8: And when you wrap your brain around the fact that happiness, love, money,

1015
00:55:34,160 --> 00:55:37,000
Speaker 8: like all of it limitless supply. So other people can't

1016
00:55:37,040 --> 00:55:39,560
Speaker 8: block your way, they actually lead the way. And so

1017
00:55:39,640 --> 00:55:42,080
Speaker 8: if you let them lead the way and you see

1018
00:55:42,320 --> 00:55:45,160
Speaker 8: their wins not as your losses, but you see it

1019
00:55:45,239 --> 00:55:49,440
Speaker 8: as an example to follow. You now, stop making other

1020
00:55:49,560 --> 00:55:53,600
Speaker 8: people a problem, and you stop using them as an

1021
00:55:53,640 --> 00:55:56,440
Speaker 8: excuse for why you can't do what you're capable of.

1022
00:55:57,560 --> 00:56:00,239
Speaker 8: Other People don't block you, you block your life way.

1023
00:56:01,040 --> 00:56:03,680
Speaker 8: Allow people to lead the way and the way that

1024
00:56:03,760 --> 00:56:06,399
Speaker 8: you do that. You say, let them be successful, let

1025
00:56:06,440 --> 00:56:08,520
Speaker 8: them get married, let them have the baby, let them

1026
00:56:08,560 --> 00:56:11,840
Speaker 8: have the nice car, because they're showing me what's possible.

1027
00:56:12,080 --> 00:56:16,080
Speaker 8: And the cool thing about really embracing let them in

1028
00:56:16,160 --> 00:56:20,320
Speaker 8: that regard is that other people also show you the formula.

1029
00:56:21,160 --> 00:56:22,759
Speaker 1: Right, yeah, I've seen they show you.

1030
00:56:22,800 --> 00:56:25,640
Speaker 8: Exactly how to do something. But if you're so busy going,

1031
00:56:25,680 --> 00:56:27,600
Speaker 8: oh well, Jane launched a podcast and there's too many

1032
00:56:27,640 --> 00:56:32,920
Speaker 8: podcasts now, I can't launch a podcasts. Who's blocking you? Correct,

1033
00:56:33,960 --> 00:56:37,960
Speaker 8: You're capable of learning to be a better player in

1034
00:56:38,040 --> 00:56:41,840
Speaker 8: the game of life from other people, Yes, so stop

1035
00:56:41,880 --> 00:56:45,000
Speaker 8: playing against them and let them show you the way.

1036
00:56:45,600 --> 00:56:48,560
Speaker 1: I speak to so many people every week who are

1037
00:56:48,560 --> 00:56:51,880
Speaker 1: going through breakups, and I'm so glad that you found

1038
00:56:52,680 --> 00:56:57,719
Speaker 1: this episode of the podcast because it's one of those

1039
00:56:57,800 --> 00:57:01,200
Speaker 1: things where you take two steps forward and then you're

1040
00:57:01,239 --> 00:57:05,080
Speaker 1: three steps back, and it often feels like this back

1041
00:57:05,160 --> 00:57:08,600
Speaker 1: and forth feeling of have I healed? Have I recovered.

1042
00:57:08,640 --> 00:57:10,960
Speaker 1: Oh no, I'm right back there now, and I want

1043
00:57:11,000 --> 00:57:13,480
Speaker 1: you to know that on purpose, we're dedicated to trying

1044
00:57:13,520 --> 00:57:16,360
Speaker 1: to help you through that healing journey. As long as

1045
00:57:16,400 --> 00:57:19,720
Speaker 1: you're healing, you're moving in the right direction. Sometimes you're

1046
00:57:19,720 --> 00:57:22,560
Speaker 1: going to feel like you're completely missing them again, and

1047
00:57:22,640 --> 00:57:24,440
Speaker 1: sometimes you're going to feel like you're ready to move on.

1048
00:57:25,240 --> 00:57:27,640
Speaker 1: And the goal is to surround yourself with the right insights,

1049
00:57:27,720 --> 00:57:30,680
Speaker 1: the right wisdom to keep focusing on your own growth.

1050
00:57:31,200 --> 00:57:35,440
Speaker 1: Because here's what I've realized. The pain doesn't go away.

1051
00:57:36,280 --> 00:57:39,600
Speaker 1: It just gets easier to carry. It just gets easier

1052
00:57:39,640 --> 00:57:43,040
Speaker 1: to deal with. As you build confidence, as you build strength,

1053
00:57:43,760 --> 00:57:46,960
Speaker 1: you start to realize that what you went through actually

1054
00:57:47,040 --> 00:57:50,840
Speaker 1: helped you find deeper, more meaningful love. And from the

1055
00:57:50,880 --> 00:57:53,600
Speaker 1: people who have known that have gone through breakups and

1056
00:57:53,760 --> 00:57:56,920
Speaker 1: found long term relationships that they're happy in, they all

1057
00:57:57,040 --> 00:58:02,440
Speaker 1: look back and now feel grateful for that experience because

1058
00:58:02,480 --> 00:58:06,000
Speaker 1: it helped them quickly decipher who was right for them

1059
00:58:06,560 --> 00:58:09,840
Speaker 1: and who wasn't, who was around for a season but

1060
00:58:09,960 --> 00:58:12,400
Speaker 1: not for the rest of their life. Thanks so much

1061
00:58:12,400 --> 00:58:15,920
Speaker 1: for listening. If you love this episode, you'll love my

1062
00:58:16,080 --> 00:58:20,720
Speaker 1: interview with Dr Gabor Matte on understanding your trauma and

1063
00:58:20,880 --> 00:58:24,360
Speaker 1: how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from

1064
00:58:24,440 --> 00:58:27,280
Speaker 1: the past. Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable.

1065
00:58:27,360 --> 00:58:29,960
Speaker 2: So a tree doesn't go o where it's hard and thick,

1066
00:58:30,080 --> 00:58:32,080
Speaker 2: does it. It goes where it's soft and green and

1067
00:58:32,240 --> 00:58:32,720
Speaker 2: vulnerable