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Speaker 1: Trust me.

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Speaker 2: Trust me.

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Speaker 3: I'm like a swat person.

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Speaker 2: I've never lied to you.

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Speaker 1: If you think that one person has all the answers,

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Speaker 1: don't welcome to trust me. The podcast about cults, extreme

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Speaker 1: belief and the abusive power from two apostates who actually

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Speaker 1: experienced it. I am Lola.

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Speaker 4: Blanc and I am Megan Elizabeth.

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Speaker 1: I can't believe we've never said apostates, Wow, that was

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Speaker 1: a good one.

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Speaker 4: I can believe that we haven't.

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Speaker 1: That's where we differ, Matt. Today, our guest is Elana Auerbach,

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Speaker 1: former follower of the sexual wellness company One Taste, deemed

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Speaker 1: the orgasm cult by the BBC podcast of the same name,

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Speaker 1: and that is what it is. One Taste is known

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Speaker 1: for hosting orgasmic meditation circles with the women all lying

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Speaker 1: in a circle getting fingered together. It's fascinating, but whatever

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Speaker 1: you think of the sexual element, it has a history

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Speaker 1: of being destructive and abusive. So Elana's going to tell

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Speaker 1: us about how she was there in the very beginning

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Speaker 1: when it's founder Nicole Daydon. I think I'm saying that right.

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Speaker 1: Daydon was first developing her sexual program, figuring out her

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Speaker 1: jargon and perfecting her methods of manipulation.

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Speaker 5: We're going to talk about how after her divorce, Ilana

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Speaker 5: went from exploring her own pleasure with her partner to

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Speaker 5: centering her entire life around Nicole, working for free and

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Speaker 5: spending thousands of dollars for training to have an hour

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Speaker 5: long orgasm that never materialized. That would be really disappointing.

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Speaker 1: There is so much sex talk in this episode, y'all,

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Speaker 1: So if you don't want to hear us talk about pussies,

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Speaker 1: do not listen to this one. Also, some descriptions that

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Speaker 1: could be triggering that are related to assaults, so just

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Speaker 1: be aware of that. In the meantime, Megan, we have

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Speaker 1: the same cultiest things and we're going to talk about

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Speaker 1: it together.

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Speaker 4: Dude, somebody's going to jail for over a thousand.

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Speaker 1: Years this story. I can't believe I'm just learning about this.

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Speaker 1: It seems like it's so deep. There's like so much

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Speaker 1: much information. This man has been in the public eye

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Speaker 1: in Turkey for so long. I I'm sure we're only

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Speaker 1: scratching the surface. But Adnan, I think it's pronounced oak charm.

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Speaker 1: So he was arrested. He is a Muslim televangelist sex

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Speaker 1: cult leader. Is that a good description.

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Speaker 4: Anythink, yes, creationism, Yeah, so.

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Speaker 1: He preached creationism. He's like anti Darwin is how you

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Speaker 1: wrote this like eight hundred page book on how Darwin

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Speaker 1: is wrong. Meanwhile, he has literally no background in science.

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Speaker 1: He went to school for interior design. So that's how

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Speaker 1: you know you can trust him as the authority on science.

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Speaker 1: I don't really understand the inner workings of Like it

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Speaker 1: seems like he maybe was linked to a coup in Turkey,

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Speaker 1: but I don't know if that's real. He says that

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Speaker 1: he's Islamic, but he rejects the different ways of thinking

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Speaker 1: about it, and so he's got his own thing going

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Speaker 1: on that he's sort of perverted. Now, am I describing that? Okay?

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean I think it's I think it's really fascinating,

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Speaker 5: and you're describing it perfectly. He's just basically essentially when

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Speaker 5: you boil it down, as kind of a like pem.

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Speaker 1: Okay, y'all. So he's what I imagine Trump will be

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Speaker 1: in like five years. He has his like show that

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Speaker 1: he does where he talks about religion. But on this

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Speaker 1: show he's got this like brood of women who all

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Speaker 1: have a very similar face they all have this like

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Speaker 1: heavily plastic surgery, bleach blonde, big boobs, scantily clad outfits

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Speaker 1: look going on, and they're just like chilling in this

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Speaker 1: room while he's preaching his shit, and it is so

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Speaker 1: fucking weird. Not that there's anything wrong with having surgery,

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Speaker 1: but I would suspect, because the crimes he's been sentenced

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Speaker 1: for include sexual assault, sexual abuse of miners, among other things,

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Speaker 1: I suspect that he probably has something to do with

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Speaker 1: why they all look the same.

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Speaker 4: Yes, yes, I suspect the same as well.

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Speaker 5: I think that there's probably gonna be a lot more

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Speaker 5: information coming out on this.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, this stuff is so interesting and fucked up.

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Speaker 6: So.

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Speaker 1: One of the women at his trial told the court

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Speaker 1: he repeatedly sexually abused her in other women. Some of

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Speaker 1: the women he raped were forced to take contraceptive pills.

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Speaker 1: One joined when she was seventeen. There were sixty nine

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Speaker 1: thousand contraception pills found in his home.

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Speaker 5: Did you see where he says that they were for

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Speaker 5: their skin? He was like, the contraception pills are for

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Speaker 5: their skins. Like, oh, thank you, he's just being nice,

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Speaker 5: you guys.

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Speaker 1: Oh that's as sweet of him. Yeah, he says, I

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Speaker 1: am extraordinarily potent.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, that is a great quote. He is just the worst,

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Speaker 4: isn't he.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, he's the fucking worst, And apparently he's got a

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Speaker 1: lot of people who buy his shit. He Oh, he

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Speaker 1: used to be a Holocaust denier. He like wrote a

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Speaker 1: whole book about that, and now he pretends that never happened.

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Speaker 5: Yeah. Now he says that his friend actually wrote that

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Speaker 5: book and he was like, yeah, you can publish it

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Speaker 5: under my name, because he.

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Speaker 4: Was just like being nice.

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Speaker 5: But at the end of the day, of course he's

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Speaker 5: saying no, I don't really think that.

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Speaker 1: Once again, so sweet of him, He's so sweet. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: He also, funnily enough, maybe this is just a thing

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Speaker 1: that all cult leaders do or abusers, because he refers

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Speaker 1: to the women in his crew as his kittens, like

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Speaker 1: Armie Hammer, like probably fifteen thousand other men who have

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Speaker 1: like a group of women who they abuse. Yeah, so Oakjar,

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Speaker 1: oak Jar, He's quite a guy. Thankfully, he will be

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Speaker 1: in prison for over one thousand years.

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Speaker 4: God, he's the worst.

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Speaker 1: Anyway. I'm sure that if we have any Turkish listeners,

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Speaker 1: you probably know way more about this guy than we do.

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Speaker 1: So if you have anything you think would be important

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Speaker 1: for us to add. Please let us know. I know

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Speaker 1: nothing about Turkish politics. I have to say I'm very

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Speaker 1: ignorant in that department. Yeah, so that's Oktar.

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Speaker 5: There's a lot of crazy people out there, you know.

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Speaker 5: Luckily there's a lot of Ilana's too, though.

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Speaker 1: She's so cool. Anyway, y'all, I love this episode. I

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Speaker 1: hope you like it. Here we go, Hello and welcome

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Speaker 1: Ilana Auerbox. Thank you, whose name I butchered three times.

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Speaker 1: I'm so happy to talk to you today. One Taste

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Speaker 1: is something that is just like absolutely fascinating, and some

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Speaker 1: of these stories are horrific. Can't wait to get into

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Speaker 1: it with you. So just to give people like a

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Speaker 1: light overview and tell me if I'm describing this correctly.

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Speaker 1: One Taste is a San Francisco based sexuality focused wellness

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Speaker 1: in quotes company that promotes a practice called orgasmic meditation

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Speaker 1: or om. And OM is a fifteen minute long practice

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Speaker 1: in which a clothed man lightly fingers in a very

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Speaker 1: specific way a woman who's naked from the waist down,

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Speaker 1: without it turning into sex, and without it being a

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Speaker 1: reciprocal encounter. It's strictly for the connection of the orgasm

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Speaker 1: for the woman alone, and I saw in the demonstration

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Speaker 1: video the man is supposed to wear gloves. It's supposed

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Speaker 1: to be done on the floor, and it used to

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Speaker 1: be done in group circles, but they've sense abolished the

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Speaker 1: group practice. Is that correct?

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Speaker 2: That is what I understand when I was there.

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Speaker 3: It was before Nicole changed the name, which was a

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Speaker 3: brilliant marketing scheme to call it owming.

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Speaker 1: Nicole refers to One Tastes founder Nicole Day Doom.

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Speaker 2: So she didn't invent this practice. This was a practice.

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Speaker 3: Called deliberate orgasm, and when I was involved back in

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Speaker 3: two thousand and four, that's what it was called. So

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Speaker 3: deliberate orgasm, from what I understand, originated with this guy

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Speaker 3: sixties seventies named Vic Baranco, Okay, who ran these more

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Speaker 3: houses all over the Bay area.

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Speaker 1: Morehouses refers to these sort of communes where everybody has

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Speaker 1: sex and.

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Speaker 3: People who were involved some of them. You know, it

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Speaker 3: was a hedonistic communities. They had very strict rules. And

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Speaker 3: I was never involved. I knew some people who were involved.

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Speaker 3: I knew people who considered it a cult as well,

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Speaker 3: and Nicole knew Vic, and I think was involved in

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Speaker 3: one of the houses.

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Speaker 2: I'm not really sure.

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Speaker 3: I got involved in what I called the pleasure community

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Speaker 3: back in two thousand and two I had left my

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Speaker 3: former husband. You know, each of us, from my experience,

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Speaker 3: have a lot of different aspects of ourselves.

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Speaker 2: You could even look at them through the.

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Speaker 3: Lens of different archetypes, right that transcend culture, transcend divisions.

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Speaker 3: So I like to look at this story and my

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Speaker 3: involvement with Nicole and one Taste through the lens of

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Speaker 3: the Eve and Lilith archetype. So the good girl and

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Speaker 3: kind of the bad girl seductors. And so I was

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Speaker 3: the quintessential good girl, always doing what I was supposed

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Speaker 3: to be doing. And that's kind of how I grew

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Speaker 3: up and even into my young adulthood, even into my

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Speaker 3: first marriage.

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Speaker 2: So Lilith was like banging on my door.

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Speaker 3: After a few years into that marriage, and I, you know,

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Speaker 3: finally said when this guy had proposed a few years prior,

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Speaker 3: what I should have said in that moment, you know,

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Speaker 3: when he proposed in this volcano erupted in my belly,

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Speaker 3: was like ah and tears come down.

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Speaker 2: He's like, well does that mean yes? And I, well,

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Speaker 2: I guess I answer, you know, like this mean you've.

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Speaker 3: Like, okay, whatever you want, darling. So I finally did

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Speaker 3: have the courage to say I have to leave this marriage.

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Speaker 3: I left the marriage. And I had been like, I'm

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Speaker 3: going to get a quote for you from Clarissa pinkola Estes,

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Speaker 3: who wrote that.

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Speaker 2: Book Women Who Run with the Wolves, which is.

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Speaker 7: A fabulous book for everybody, and she's a youngin psychoanalyst.

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Speaker 7: It really describes where I was at at the time,

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Speaker 7: which is this is a quote from her book, Women

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Speaker 7: Who Run with the Wolves. Overkill through excesses or excessive

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Speaker 7: behavior like alcohol, drugs, anger, promiscuity, or even body fitness

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Speaker 7: and junk food is acted out by women who are

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Speaker 7: famished for a life that has meaning and makes sense

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Speaker 7: for them.

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Speaker 2: And so I fit into that really perfectly.

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Speaker 3: And I was thinking, you know, as I read this recently,

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Speaker 3: that that's true for you know, how particularly women can

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Speaker 3: be susceptible to getting involved with colts for sure, because

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Speaker 3: you know, however, we're unculturated.

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Speaker 2: Whatever wounding we have in childhood, however we're trying to

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Speaker 2: make it.

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Speaker 3: By disconnecting from our authenticity and going along with you know,

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Speaker 3: accommodating others it can just get along, to go along

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Speaker 3: and get along.

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Speaker 2: And you know, that whole story so makes me want

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Speaker 2: to throw off.

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Speaker 3: And I have such compassion for you know, many of us,

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Speaker 3: not all of us, but many of us who have

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Speaker 3: lived through that or are still living that.

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Speaker 2: And so I left this marriage.

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Speaker 3: And I had a friend who's still a dear friend

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Speaker 3: of mine, who was involved in this pleasure community. And

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Speaker 3: so she was hosting a course at her house and

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Speaker 3: I said, sure, I'll come. I mean, I'm single, now

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Speaker 3: I'm ready. Let's explore. And so this man named Erewhon

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Speaker 3: who led the pleasure course. I called them the pleasure people.

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Speaker 3: And so I went to the course. It was a

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Speaker 3: day long thing and it was similar. He also had

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Speaker 3: been trained by VIC. He had been involved with this

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Speaker 3: another group called the Welcomed Consensus, which was an offshoot

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Speaker 3: of the Moorhouses. Everyone was involved there. Then he came

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Speaker 3: to San Francisco started his own groups. I had a

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Speaker 3: fun time in the group. A couple months later, I

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Speaker 3: signed up for the advanced course. I didn't even want

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Speaker 3: to go to it. I ended up going in his

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Speaker 3: kitchen because he used to host in his apartment in

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Speaker 3: San Francisco. I met this guy, and it was kind

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Speaker 3: of like that, Oh my god, where do I know

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Speaker 3: you from? I recognize you? Turns out that's Bill, who's

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Speaker 3: my man, who's still my mom and my partner, the

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Speaker 3: father of my son and all of that. That's a

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Speaker 3: little spoiler for So I met him. We were in

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Speaker 3: this course, and of course I just wanted to take

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Speaker 3: him back to my place, but especially I did, and

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Speaker 3: so this is where I met Bill, and he was

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Speaker 3: also interested in just exploring my pleasure. It was all about, primarily, uh,

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Speaker 3: this practice of deliberate orgasm where one person and it

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Speaker 3: wasn't only the woman, but you know, where one person

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Speaker 3: is at effect, so just lying down receiving and the

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Speaker 3: other person is at cause, so either stroking, stroking the genitals. Okay,

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Speaker 3: so we in the course we did switch off and

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Speaker 3: I was stroking Bill and he stroked me, and so

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Speaker 3: we became research partners, researching orgasm, but primarily my orgasms.

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Speaker 2: It was fun.

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Speaker 3: We had an open relationship, which meant that we could

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Speaker 3: date whoever we wanted. So it was super edgy for me,

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Speaker 3: being like serial monogamousts. I mean both of us had

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Speaker 3: been serial monogamists, you know, my divorce wasn't even final

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Speaker 3: when I had, you know, med Bill, and so we're involved.

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Speaker 3: It's fun, and this is a group of super sexy, beautiful, fun,

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Speaker 3: titillating people that we would join. They'd have game nights

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Speaker 3: every week and so forth. So we're hanging out with

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Speaker 3: this group for about a year or so. And the

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Speaker 3: following summer, so this is the summer of two thousand

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Speaker 3: and three, I'm hearing about this woman, Nicole, who had

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Speaker 3: been a former lover of air Ones when they were

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Speaker 3: in the Welcomed Consensus or something, and so I keep

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Speaker 3: hearing about her, and I'm hearing about her, and this

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Speaker 3: one night that it was a games night happened to

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Speaker 3: be down in Brisbane, which is a sleepy suburb of

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Speaker 3: San Francisco, just south of San Francisco. So Bill and

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Speaker 3: I show up and there is this woman on the

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Speaker 3: couch who it's not that she's so beautiful, and she's

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Speaker 3: certainly an attractive woman, but it was just her magnetism

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Speaker 3: in her charisma. And I was at a time in

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Speaker 3: my life, pretty much my whole life up till then,

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Speaker 3: where I would my go to was to look outside

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Speaker 3: myself for approval and for what I should be doing

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Speaker 3: for interest, for purpose, for guidance, for everything.

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Speaker 2: Like it was always like out there, it's going to

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Speaker 2: be out there.

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Speaker 3: Well then I seen Nicole and even though Airwan is

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Speaker 3: supposedly the leader of this group, she has got him

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Speaker 3: wrapped around her finger.

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Speaker 2: And I've known.

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Speaker 3: Air one now for maybe a year and a half,

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Speaker 3: and I've seen him lead groups and he's a very

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Speaker 3: strong leader, and yet he's like putty in her hands, right,

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Speaker 3: And the way she works the room, and I mean

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Speaker 3: I really put her up on a pedestal, like this

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Speaker 3: is what an empowered woman looks.

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Speaker 1: Like, right, And I want to be that, right.

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Speaker 3: I yes, I wanted to find who that was in me,

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Speaker 3: But it's like emulating her, like that's what that means.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 3: So Nicole and Irwan started working together co leading groups.

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Speaker 2: In fact, I mean, this is an interesting thing one

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Speaker 2: of the.

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Speaker 3: Things that Vic did because I remember watching from the

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Speaker 3: nineteen seventies or nineteen eighties a demo, and a demo

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Speaker 3: was a demonstration of a woman in orgasm for one hour.

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Speaker 1: WHOA yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah is.

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Speaker 2: That it is because you train, you know, it's very

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Speaker 2: serious training.

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Speaker 4: Wow.

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Speaker 5: Wow, it's like the marathon version of an orgasm got it.

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Speaker 3: Well, and really what it is is it's a practice

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Speaker 3: of continuing to expand and expand and dissolve into sensation

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Speaker 3: so that you know, often and I speak from my

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Speaker 3: own experience of you know, when the orgasm it's like

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Speaker 3: you go over the edge, and you know it's building, building, building, building,

301
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Speaker 3: and then you go over that edge and then the

302
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Speaker 3: genitals are so sensitive that you don't even it's like,

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Speaker 3: don't touch me, go touch my clip. And what I

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Speaker 3: found as I was exploring orgasm with Bill primarily, even

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Speaker 3: though I had other do partners, but it was mostly

306
00:16:03,560 --> 00:16:08,360
Speaker 3: built is that if you stay with that sensation and

307
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Speaker 3: just relax into it and surrender into that sensation, then

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Speaker 3: it just opens up again and again and again, and

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Speaker 3: you can keep going over and over and over and opening.

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Speaker 2: Now interesting, that was my practice.

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Speaker 3: What Nicole taught was not in what I think the

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Speaker 3: predecessors from this lineage, if you want to call it,

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Speaker 3: or this, you know, this way of teaching orgasm was

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Speaker 3: to not have the women go over the edge. So

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Speaker 3: if you can imagine you're stroking, you're stroking're strugging, and

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Speaker 3: you're plateauing them. So that's what the do date is

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Speaker 3: you bring somebody up, you're kind of taking control of

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Speaker 3: their nervous system through their genitals and taking them on

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Speaker 3: a ride. So you know, you can stroke in a

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Speaker 3: different way, with different firmness, with different to bring them

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Speaker 3: up higher and then to bring them down, to bring

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Speaker 3: them up and then plateau and then up and then plateau,

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Speaker 3: but never to bring them over the edge, which I

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Speaker 3: thought that was always curious, And then in retrospect, I

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Speaker 3: recognized that that was a way to control people, certainly

326
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Speaker 3: control women, because you're keeping them in this heightened state

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Speaker 3: of titillation and yet not having that come down of

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Speaker 3: the going over the edge, right and then coming back

329
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Speaker 3: into the body and then building up again.

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Speaker 1: I didn't realize that. I thought that it was all

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Speaker 1: about having the orgasm. You're saying that they never actually

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Speaker 1: achieved the orgasm in the practice.

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Speaker 3: Well, so it depends what you call orgasm, Okay, because

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Speaker 3: Nicole and all these people who taught this were it's

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Speaker 3: expanding your definition of orgasm. An orgasm being you know,

336
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:46,639
Speaker 3: where you're feeling the most sensation in your body, So

337
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:50,960
Speaker 3: it doesn't necessarily have to include a climaxing going over

338
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Speaker 3: the edge or an ejaculation. It simply is the most

339
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:58,840
Speaker 3: sensation you're feeling in your genitals, then you could be

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Speaker 3: an orgasmic.

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Speaker 1: Interesting. Interesting, Yeah, But it was a part of the

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Speaker 1: practice to not take them over the edge or it

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Speaker 1: was just okay if that was.

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Speaker 3: What when I was there, you know, back in two

345
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Speaker 3: thousand and four, it was keeping them at.

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Speaker 1: The edge but not going that's very interesting.

347
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Speaker 2: And then what I was.

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Speaker 3: Exploring with myself and with Bill was you know, going

349
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Speaker 3: over continuously, you know, like going over and then gushing out,

350
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Speaker 3: opening and then building up again and then going over

351
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:31,960
Speaker 3: and then out and then again, and so it just

352
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,760
Speaker 3: continues to expand and expand. And since I never did

353
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Speaker 3: the demo, but I will get to that in the story,

354
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Speaker 3: I don't know if during the one hour demonstration of

355
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Speaker 3: a woman in an orgasm they were going over or

356
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Speaker 3: not really.

357
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Speaker 2: I mean there was definitely a lot of contractions.

358
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Speaker 3: Of the you know, the pussy was contracting and so forth.

359
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:55,320
Speaker 3: So back to the demo. So it's the fall of

360
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Speaker 3: two thousand and three and Airwon and Nicole are going

361
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Speaker 3: to have a demo with airone is the doer and Nicole,

362
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,200
Speaker 3: you know, being an orgasm for an hour.

363
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:05,320
Speaker 2: Bill and I went.

364
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:09,520
Speaker 3: It was in someone's living room in Brisbane, so they were,

365
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:13,000
Speaker 3: you know, kind of putting themselves on the map sort

366
00:19:13,040 --> 00:19:15,399
Speaker 3: of and carrying on the tradition of the people that

367
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Speaker 3: they learned from. Then, as I understand the story, Nicole,

368
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:23,720
Speaker 3: because by this point, airone had a thriving business, his

369
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:28,720
Speaker 3: pleasure people business, and Nicole wanted airone to surrender his

370
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:33,120
Speaker 3: business to her, as you know, that's what she wanted,

371
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Speaker 3: and that was what was best for Air One because.

372
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Speaker 2: He was attached to his business. So if he could,

373
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Speaker 2: if he show that he.

374
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Speaker 3: Could surrender it, then that would show that he was

375
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Speaker 3: very spiritually evolved.

376
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Speaker 1: Oh so enlightened to give your business away.

377
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Speaker 2: Well, as you can imagine, Eyone was like fuck no.

378
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Speaker 1: So there was a big.

379
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Speaker 3: Rift, and so Nicole had a few devotees with her

380
00:19:59,359 --> 00:20:01,680
Speaker 3: and then Air one big community and we had really

381
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:05,320
Speaker 3: merged until this big blow up and then.

382
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:06,200
Speaker 2: There was the separation.

383
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:11,359
Speaker 3: Okay, so this is like December something, two thousand and three.

384
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:15,600
Speaker 3: For New Year's Eve, Nicole invites Bill and I down

385
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,760
Speaker 3: to Brisbane where they're living to celebrate New Year's with

386
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:20,840
Speaker 3: her and her few devotees.

387
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:21,880
Speaker 2: Who have gone with her.

388
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,480
Speaker 3: Everyone else went with arewon gotcha because they'd been working

389
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,680
Speaker 3: with him for a long time and part of his community.

390
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:30,840
Speaker 3: So we go down there and it was, you know,

391
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,800
Speaker 3: it was pretty uneventful. I mean, the whole evening was

392
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:37,680
Speaker 3: mostly focused on Nicole. And we were sleeping over because

393
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,920
Speaker 3: it was the wee hours of the night. And I'm

394
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:43,680
Speaker 3: walking down the stairs to go to the bedroom and

395
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:47,880
Speaker 3: I see I see like this energetic shapes of skulls

396
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:51,159
Speaker 3: and crossboats. Now I am not one to see, you know,

397
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:55,239
Speaker 3: I have friends, I'm now an ordained priestess, and I

398
00:20:55,359 --> 00:20:57,240
Speaker 3: have friends who actually see.

399
00:20:57,119 --> 00:20:59,359
Speaker 2: Energy and they can see, you know, different beings and

400
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,760
Speaker 2: they can see energy that is not one of my

401
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:02,800
Speaker 2: channels of perception.

402
00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:07,359
Speaker 3: And except on this particular night, I could see them

403
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,280
Speaker 3: on the walls in the bedroom that we were in,

404
00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:14,280
Speaker 3: these skulls crossbones, as if I could touch them, and

405
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,280
Speaker 3: I mean, the message was clear that there was toxicity

406
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:19,000
Speaker 3: here and this is not for me.

407
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,920
Speaker 2: So the next morning I wake up and I'm like, okay, no.

408
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,760
Speaker 3: We go upstairs and I'm just like, I think I'm

409
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,800
Speaker 3: done with this, Like this just feels off.

410
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:31,480
Speaker 2: And we go upstairs to the kitchen.

411
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:35,639
Speaker 3: And meanwhile, so there's been this big split, right, so

412
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:40,000
Speaker 3: now Nickole needs to find her grounding again and start to.

413
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:43,159
Speaker 2: Get more people to follow her and start a community,

414
00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:43,760
Speaker 2: you know.

415
00:21:44,119 --> 00:21:47,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, And so she has now come up with that

416
00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:50,920
Speaker 3: one of the women in the community, who i'll call Patricia,

417
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:54,600
Speaker 3: is going to have a demo of her own and

418
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,520
Speaker 3: nick Cole is going to be her doer.

419
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:01,400
Speaker 2: So this is going to again Nicole on the map in.

420
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:04,360
Speaker 3: A different way, because it's always been, as far as I.

421
00:22:04,359 --> 00:22:07,000
Speaker 2: Know, it's a male doer with a female.

422
00:22:07,119 --> 00:22:10,400
Speaker 3: Well, so here's a female doer with a female So

423
00:22:10,560 --> 00:22:14,320
Speaker 3: this woman, Patricia's having her demo at the end of February.

424
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:18,760
Speaker 3: And there we are in the kitchen. I'm feeling really awkward.

425
00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:23,320
Speaker 3: I'm holding Bill's hand, and Patricia, whose petite woman, comes up,

426
00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:24,880
Speaker 3: stands right in front of Bill.

427
00:22:24,720 --> 00:22:28,439
Speaker 2: And says, Bill, I really want you to come to

428
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:34,600
Speaker 2: my demo. Let you come, And Bill was like sure.

429
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:38,760
Speaker 1: Fuck.

430
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:43,359
Speaker 8: So you know my head, it's like, holy shit, I

431
00:22:43,359 --> 00:22:45,840
Speaker 8: can't let him go and have fun without me and

432
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,520
Speaker 8: do this whole thing without me, and he's gonna then

433
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:51,000
Speaker 8: go and find someone else, and I gotta stick with

434
00:22:51,040 --> 00:22:54,480
Speaker 8: my man and so like in that moment, the experience

435
00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:58,440
Speaker 8: was like unhooking from my own knowing of this place.

436
00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:02,160
Speaker 3: Is not for me to going along with the guy

437
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,840
Speaker 3: right the age old story.

438
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,480
Speaker 1: I mean, it's understandable.

439
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:10,560
Speaker 4: So Bill is a trader. I'm just kidding.

440
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:20,280
Speaker 9: And susceptible to the feminine wild sure, Like why are

441
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:21,000
Speaker 9: you kicking me?

442
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:23,040
Speaker 4: Like that would be my boyfriend?

443
00:23:23,119 --> 00:23:25,560
Speaker 5: Like, why are you kicking me under the table right now, Megan,

444
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,000
Speaker 5: I guess we're not knowing Belle.

445
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,760
Speaker 3: Okay, well, and Megan, I did not even have the

446
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,080
Speaker 3: presence of mine.

447
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,040
Speaker 2: To to do that.

448
00:23:34,119 --> 00:23:36,440
Speaker 4: To be right, You're not right.

449
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:39,840
Speaker 3: So they're now training for this demo, and Nicole and

450
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:43,480
Speaker 3: Patricia are blogging, you know, about their training sessions.

451
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:48,040
Speaker 2: And at this point in my life, I am kind

452
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:48,560
Speaker 2: of lost.

453
00:23:49,040 --> 00:23:52,399
Speaker 3: I'm in my early thirties. I don't really know what

454
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:55,119
Speaker 3: i want. I'm looking for passion, I'm looking for community.

455
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:58,200
Speaker 3: I'm looking for purpose. I'm looking for something to devote

456
00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:02,440
Speaker 3: myself to for creating energy, you know, to be expressed

457
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:06,320
Speaker 3: and so forth. And so I am becoming obsessed with

458
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:10,880
Speaker 3: their blog posting and feeling jealous and envious of this.

459
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:14,000
Speaker 3: Seems like they're working towards a goal. I mean, now

460
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:17,639
Speaker 3: it seems so ridiculous. However, at the time it was

461
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:21,960
Speaker 3: I was so seduced into their world and feeling like

462
00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:27,000
Speaker 3: there's something exciting happening there and they're actually doing something meaningful,

463
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:30,800
Speaker 3: you know, and just comparing, you know, that whole comparing mind,

464
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:34,320
Speaker 3: that whole comparison thing that's so predominant.

465
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,399
Speaker 1: Ever done in my life.

466
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:41,640
Speaker 3: Oh my gosh, I think you know, it's all part

467
00:24:41,680 --> 00:24:42,879
Speaker 3: of the patriarchal scheme.

468
00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:47,080
Speaker 2: So that's why we're healing this. So we're not comparing anymore.

469
00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:48,959
Speaker 1: No more comparing. Amen.

470
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:52,000
Speaker 3: So but I'm back at the you know, twenty years ago,

471
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:55,480
Speaker 3: that's where I was at. So I had agreed, I'm

472
00:24:55,480 --> 00:24:57,320
Speaker 3: going to the demo. Bill's going to the demo. The

473
00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:00,199
Speaker 3: day before the demo, on a Saturday, Nicole's lead a

474
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:03,520
Speaker 3: course because she was continuing to try and lead courses

475
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:06,240
Speaker 3: to make some money and draw people in to become

476
00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:10,440
Speaker 3: her followers. So we're back at that house in Brisbane.

477
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:13,440
Speaker 3: It's a Saturday morning. That maybe about ten of us

478
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:15,640
Speaker 3: in this course. I don't even know what she called.

479
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:17,560
Speaker 3: I think it was called the Being course.

480
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:18,760
Speaker 6: Now that I think class.

481
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:23,800
Speaker 3: So Nicole had this practice that she came to call,

482
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:27,040
Speaker 3: not while I was around, but later on pulling desires.

483
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:31,040
Speaker 1: Okay, I love the jargon already going right, right, Okay, she.

484
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:34,479
Speaker 3: Didn't have hadn't owned the jargon yet at this point, however,

485
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:38,240
Speaker 3: the same practice. So she comes in, she scans the room,

486
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,199
Speaker 3: and then she lands on someone.

487
00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:42,760
Speaker 2: And when Nicole is looking at.

488
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:48,159
Speaker 3: You, you are simultaneously being completely embraced by someone who's

489
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:53,080
Speaker 3: just seeing you for exactly who you are, while also

490
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:57,960
Speaker 3: being as if you're under a microscope, being like picked apart,

491
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:02,480
Speaker 3: you know, with when like col tools, you know, really so,

492
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:08,040
Speaker 3: so it's this this cognitive dissonance sort of experience.

493
00:26:07,359 --> 00:26:10,520
Speaker 2: Of like you like it, but then it's really uncomfortable, and.

494
00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,880
Speaker 1: Oh, but like you feel like you're growing because she's

495
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,359
Speaker 1: right as she pointing out things that you need to

496
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,240
Speaker 1: do to grow. Is that the idea?

497
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:24,000
Speaker 2: Absolutely? Absolutely? And you also feel really seen right and

498
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:25,440
Speaker 2: she's seeing these I.

499
00:26:25,359 --> 00:26:28,320
Speaker 3: Mean, she's embracing the dark parts of you and also

500
00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:30,400
Speaker 3: showing you what you can do to grow.

501
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:32,639
Speaker 1: Like you said, have you seen the movie Sound of

502
00:26:32,680 --> 00:26:38,480
Speaker 1: My Voice? No, it's by this filmmaker Britt Marling, who's amazing, but.

503
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:40,480
Speaker 4: It's she's it's so good. I love that movie.

504
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:43,080
Speaker 1: She plays a cult leader. And it's just the way

505
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:45,840
Speaker 1: you're describing this sounds exactly like a scene in that movie.

506
00:26:45,880 --> 00:26:47,960
Speaker 1: I just wanted to shout that out. But go on, okay,

507
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,280
Speaker 1: I'll have to watch that. Yeah, I'll have you really do.

508
00:26:50,480 --> 00:26:50,720
Speaker 4: Yeah.

509
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:54,680
Speaker 3: So she so she locks onto me and she starts,

510
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:57,000
Speaker 3: you know, what do you want? That's how the pulling

511
00:26:57,040 --> 00:26:58,280
Speaker 3: desire starts. What do you want?

512
00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:01,080
Speaker 2: And so I start to say, I want to.

513
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,239
Speaker 3: Have more fun, I want to have more creativity, I

514
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:04,960
Speaker 3: want to have more community, I want.

515
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,760
Speaker 2: To have more orgasm. Okay, keep going.

516
00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:08,800
Speaker 3: I want to have more passion, I want to have

517
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,280
Speaker 3: more purpose, I want to have.

518
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,400
Speaker 2: You know, more sex. Keep keep going, keep going, keep going.

519
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:17,560
Speaker 3: So finally, you know, after quite a while, I finally

520
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,639
Speaker 3: get down to this place of wow. I don't know

521
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,680
Speaker 3: if I could say that out loud, And then I did,

522
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:25,760
Speaker 3: and I said I want to have a baby. And

523
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:28,359
Speaker 3: I'm sitting right next to Bill, and I never even

524
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:32,800
Speaker 3: really admitted that to myself, lit alone said that to Bill,

525
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:35,320
Speaker 3: and I was like, holy shit, But it felt so

526
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:38,439
Speaker 3: good to get that primal desire out. And I was

527
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:43,720
Speaker 3: like yes, uh, oh, not so fast, Nicole says, what else?

528
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:45,840
Speaker 2: I mean? I was at the bottom.

529
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:48,760
Speaker 3: And so then I start regurgitating some of what I'd

530
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:50,520
Speaker 3: already said. I want to have more sex, I want

531
00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:52,080
Speaker 3: to have again, I do want to have a baby.

532
00:27:52,119 --> 00:27:54,320
Speaker 3: I want to And then I start to get to

533
00:27:54,359 --> 00:27:56,520
Speaker 3: realize what she wants me to say, and I know

534
00:27:56,600 --> 00:27:59,639
Speaker 3: what she wants me to say, and finally I capitulate

535
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:02,000
Speaker 3: and I and I say I want.

536
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:02,520
Speaker 2: To have a demo.

537
00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:07,600
Speaker 3: And then she's like, did you feel it? Did you

538
00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:09,120
Speaker 3: feel it? We hit bottom?

539
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:09,880
Speaker 2: That was it.

540
00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:13,719
Speaker 3: That was the that was the deepest desire, at the

541
00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:14,400
Speaker 3: bottom of.

542
00:28:14,359 --> 00:28:15,360
Speaker 2: Her well of desire.

543
00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:19,200
Speaker 3: And so this was something that Nicole was masterful at,

544
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:23,560
Speaker 3: was of what was the jargon that she would call

545
00:28:23,640 --> 00:28:28,040
Speaker 3: it affirming reality or something like that, basically telling you

546
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:29,480
Speaker 3: what was happening.

547
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:34,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, that is a that's just such a good manipulator already,

548
00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:35,320
Speaker 1: please continue.

549
00:28:35,480 --> 00:28:38,720
Speaker 3: She was you know, we all thought she was a magician,

550
00:28:39,080 --> 00:28:42,680
Speaker 3: but really she was a master manipulator. And her tactic

551
00:28:42,920 --> 00:28:45,840
Speaker 3: was that Nicole agreed that something was true if it

552
00:28:45,920 --> 00:28:47,160
Speaker 3: matched what she wanted to hear.

553
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:48,800
Speaker 2: So clearly that's what she wanted.

554
00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:51,840
Speaker 3: To hear, right because she wanted to groom me, and

555
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:54,880
Speaker 3: she wanted to get our money and to seduce.

556
00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:57,120
Speaker 2: Bill and I into her web. There.

557
00:28:57,400 --> 00:28:59,360
Speaker 3: So, if you said something that she didn't like, she

558
00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:02,560
Speaker 3: called it a lot. And if you had doubt, she

559
00:29:02,640 --> 00:29:07,000
Speaker 3: knew how to increase your doubt until what she told

560
00:29:07,040 --> 00:29:09,800
Speaker 3: you was true became what you believed.

561
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:11,680
Speaker 4: Wow.

562
00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, so it is very insidious.

563
00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:17,960
Speaker 3: She knew how to manipulate people into speaking the answers

564
00:29:18,400 --> 00:29:21,000
Speaker 3: that she wanted to hear. Yeah, she did this all

565
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:23,800
Speaker 3: the time to me. But so so I agree to

566
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:27,160
Speaker 3: be have this demo with Bill as my doer. Bill

567
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:30,960
Speaker 3: and I paid Nicole fifteen thousand dollars back in two

568
00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:31,840
Speaker 3: thousand and four.

569
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:34,000
Speaker 2: You know, I don't know what that that would be today.

570
00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:36,840
Speaker 1: That's so much a demo cost fifteen thousand dollars at

571
00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 1: the time. Wow.

572
00:29:39,280 --> 00:29:41,400
Speaker 4: Back then, why what do you have to do to

573
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:42,080
Speaker 4: prepare for that?

574
00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:44,440
Speaker 3: She's supposed to be training us. She's going to be

575
00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:48,320
Speaker 3: training us. It's indefinite. We haven't scheduled the demo because

576
00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:51,719
Speaker 3: it could take many months, could take years, we don't know.

577
00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:53,800
Speaker 2: But according to Nicole, this is a very good price.

578
00:29:54,440 --> 00:29:55,640
Speaker 1: Wow.

579
00:29:55,640 --> 00:29:56,680
Speaker 2: So okay.

580
00:29:56,880 --> 00:30:01,440
Speaker 3: Meanwhile, Nicole has this vision of getting her her flavor

581
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:04,680
Speaker 3: of sexuality out into the world. And she envisions this

582
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:09,000
Speaker 3: community that is you can imagine concentric circles with her

583
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:09,680
Speaker 3: at the center.

584
00:30:10,360 --> 00:30:12,040
Speaker 2: So the people who were most.

585
00:30:11,800 --> 00:30:15,920
Speaker 3: Devoted either in their blood, sweat and tears or their

586
00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:19,440
Speaker 3: money would have the most access to Nicole. And so

587
00:30:19,760 --> 00:30:23,680
Speaker 3: it's about bringing people closer and closer in right. She

588
00:30:24,400 --> 00:30:26,440
Speaker 3: used to get a lot of people coming into her

589
00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:33,240
Speaker 3: courses from another transformational healing work community. However, her and

590
00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:36,200
Speaker 3: the leader of that community had a falling out, so

591
00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:38,600
Speaker 3: that dried up that source. So she had to think

592
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:40,840
Speaker 3: of something else, and that's when she came up with

593
00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:43,880
Speaker 3: the idea of opening a storefront south of Market, which

594
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:47,560
Speaker 3: became the one Taste Center in San Francisco. And I

595
00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 3: had always, you know, ten years before, I had had

596
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:53,240
Speaker 3: this vision of having a workout aerobics.

597
00:30:53,320 --> 00:30:56,080
Speaker 2: I was really into aerobics back in the day before

598
00:30:56,160 --> 00:31:00,360
Speaker 2: Your Times and coffee shop, bookstore and whatever.

599
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:03,400
Speaker 3: So this center that Nicole was opening was close enough

600
00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:05,840
Speaker 3: to that vision I had had.

601
00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:08,480
Speaker 2: Maybe a decade before that. I was like, okay, I'll

602
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:09,800
Speaker 2: do this. This sounds like fun.

603
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:13,200
Speaker 3: I was needing something to do, Okay, So we're shifting

604
00:31:13,240 --> 00:31:16,680
Speaker 3: towards opening a center, okay, or Nicole is shifting towards

605
00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:18,920
Speaker 3: opening a center, which meant I was shifting towards opening

606
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:19,600
Speaker 3: a center too.

607
00:31:20,240 --> 00:31:21,719
Speaker 2: And we'd paid this money.

608
00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:24,040
Speaker 3: A couple months later, this is like in May two

609
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:27,320
Speaker 3: thousand and four, we're going away and this is supposed

610
00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:28,959
Speaker 3: to be the opening.

611
00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:29,600
Speaker 2: Of my demo.

612
00:31:29,760 --> 00:31:32,600
Speaker 3: Course, they rent a house up in Sea Ranch and

613
00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:35,640
Speaker 3: myself and Bill and Nicole and a few of her

614
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:41,240
Speaker 3: closest devotees come with us. Now, mind you, all this time,

615
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:45,480
Speaker 3: I can see how Nicole is manipulating other people, and

616
00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:47,960
Speaker 3: she's really grooming me, even.

617
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:50,080
Speaker 2: At this stage, to be her second.

618
00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:51,720
Speaker 3: She used to call me that, you know, like she

619
00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:55,760
Speaker 3: to stand in when she's not there. And I could see.

620
00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:58,360
Speaker 3: I knew she was manipulating other people. She was teaching

621
00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:00,920
Speaker 3: me how to manipulate other people. But I wasn't willing

622
00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:02,440
Speaker 3: to see how she was manipulating me.

623
00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:05,920
Speaker 1: So what did you think about that, about the fact

624
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:07,600
Speaker 1: that you could see that happening? What did you How

625
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:08,480
Speaker 1: did you justify it?

626
00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:13,880
Speaker 3: You know, I justified it that you know that they

627
00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:17,600
Speaker 3: were kind of dumb right, like that I was better

628
00:32:17,640 --> 00:32:21,360
Speaker 3: than them, Like I saw myself as better that they

629
00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:26,120
Speaker 3: were willing to act like lapdogs and really kind of

630
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:32,000
Speaker 3: embarrass themselves to serve her and do really whatever she asked.

631
00:32:32,760 --> 00:32:37,440
Speaker 2: I mean, meanwhile, I mean, geez, how dunce could I leave? However,

632
00:32:38,240 --> 00:32:41,720
Speaker 2: you know, it's just like in the denial, right, you.

633
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:45,240
Speaker 3: Know, all the signs are there, and yet I'm unwilling

634
00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:47,520
Speaker 3: to look at it because I'm unwilling to confront it

635
00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:50,840
Speaker 3: in that moment. Until we're willing to have the courage

636
00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:54,120
Speaker 3: to confront what we have been unwilling to see that's

637
00:32:54,200 --> 00:32:57,120
Speaker 3: right there in front of our face, right, And you know,

638
00:32:57,200 --> 00:32:58,760
Speaker 3: I thought I was smarter than you know, I was

639
00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:01,080
Speaker 3: always smart. So I was like, I'm smarter than them,

640
00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:03,280
Speaker 3: and I'm a leader in this community.

641
00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:10,840
Speaker 2: So even so I wasn't the leader.

642
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:11,960
Speaker 4: Right air one just like no more.

643
00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:14,680
Speaker 2: He had his own group that yeah, they were doing.

644
00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:17,720
Speaker 2: We were now like all in with Nicole, both God

645
00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:17,880
Speaker 2: and I.

646
00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:21,840
Speaker 3: Anyway, here we are out in the Sea Ranch, which

647
00:33:21,920 --> 00:33:25,600
Speaker 3: is beautiful place a couple hours north of San Francisco

648
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:27,040
Speaker 3: on the coast.

649
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:29,520
Speaker 2: They have a beautiful house. Of course, we go in

650
00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:31,640
Speaker 2: and you know, nobody says a word. Nicole takes the

651
00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:34,560
Speaker 2: huge master bedroom. Bill and I are in a small room,

652
00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:37,920
Speaker 2: you know, and we don't go outside. It's like two

653
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:38,560
Speaker 2: days there.

654
00:33:38,960 --> 00:33:41,640
Speaker 3: The beach is right outside the windows, but we're all

655
00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:46,400
Speaker 3: in the living room. And Nicole starts it off by saying, well,

656
00:33:46,400 --> 00:33:49,520
Speaker 3: I'm surrendered to all of you because you're here. You

657
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:52,360
Speaker 3: wouldn't be here if I hadn't surrendered to you. So

658
00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:54,120
Speaker 3: now it's time for you all to surrender to me.

659
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:56,000
Speaker 1: Whoh oh, my god.

660
00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:57,920
Speaker 2: Right, and so what the hell does that mean?

661
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,240
Speaker 3: Okay, I don't so if she does her thing where

662
00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:04,080
Speaker 3: she just goes around and works each of us, and

663
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:08,960
Speaker 3: really she is very skilled at identifying what is your

664
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:12,640
Speaker 3: core wound and so then hooking into that core wound

665
00:34:13,400 --> 00:34:16,800
Speaker 3: and making it better as long as you're connected with her,

666
00:34:17,280 --> 00:34:20,080
Speaker 3: Like she sees your core wound and she'll make it better.

667
00:34:20,239 --> 00:34:22,480
Speaker 2: But you have to go to her right, you know.

668
00:34:22,520 --> 00:34:25,319
Speaker 3: So it's really just like assuaging the ego, you know,

669
00:34:25,400 --> 00:34:27,160
Speaker 3: not healing any core wounding.

670
00:34:27,640 --> 00:34:30,799
Speaker 2: It's keeping the core wound intact. But just come to

671
00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:32,920
Speaker 2: me and I'll make everything better.

672
00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:36,640
Speaker 3: So, you know, mine is like feeling like I don't matter,

673
00:34:37,280 --> 00:34:40,439
Speaker 3: and so she knew that and she would often ask

674
00:34:40,480 --> 00:34:42,279
Speaker 3: me well, what do I think of this one? You know,

675
00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:45,759
Speaker 3: this one, Patricia. You know, she relies on you to

676
00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:49,880
Speaker 3: not feel abandoned. So Nicholl's like saying, Patricia, you almost

677
00:34:49,880 --> 00:34:54,160
Speaker 3: didn't come to this, which taps right into her feeling abandoned.

678
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:58,640
Speaker 3: All of that, and and she does reflect things that

679
00:34:58,680 --> 00:34:59,359
Speaker 3: you don't see.

680
00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:00,680
Speaker 2: So at one time point.

681
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:04,920
Speaker 3: In this, you know, hours long exploration of surrendering to Nicole,

682
00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:07,680
Speaker 3: she turns to me and she says, you're rocking. And

683
00:35:07,719 --> 00:35:09,920
Speaker 3: I hadn't even noticed that I was rocking, but I was.

684
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:14,160
Speaker 3: I was rocking to soothe myself. And I stopped, and

685
00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:16,880
Speaker 3: then I had an interaction with Nicole where I felt

686
00:35:17,040 --> 00:35:21,319
Speaker 3: simultaneously completely embraced and also being picked apart under a microscope.

687
00:35:22,080 --> 00:35:24,080
Speaker 3: And then when she pulled away and turned her attention

688
00:35:24,160 --> 00:35:27,359
Speaker 3: to somebody else, you know, because finally I finally gave

689
00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:29,719
Speaker 3: in and I said, Okay, I surrender. I don't really

690
00:35:29,719 --> 00:35:31,799
Speaker 3: know what that means, but I surrender. So I was

691
00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:34,840
Speaker 3: willing to do that. So but then when she stopped

692
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:37,720
Speaker 3: looking at me, I you know, I could feel that loss.

693
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:39,640
Speaker 3: It was like, you know, I felt like I wanted

694
00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:43,160
Speaker 3: to start rocking again, but now I had this awareness

695
00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:44,319
Speaker 3: of this rocking.

696
00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:44,800
Speaker 2: Habit I had.

697
00:35:45,360 --> 00:35:49,160
Speaker 1: So now you're craving this like attention from this person

698
00:35:49,200 --> 00:35:52,360
Speaker 1: who's become this figure to you. I mean like a

699
00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:56,080
Speaker 1: maternal figure or like how would you describe it.

700
00:35:55,640 --> 00:36:00,000
Speaker 2: You know, not so much maternal, just someone who really

701
00:36:00,480 --> 00:36:00,920
Speaker 2: gets you.

702
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:05,000
Speaker 3: Yeah, who's really gets you and and and makes it

703
00:36:05,040 --> 00:36:09,040
Speaker 3: seem like she's really there for you. She really sees you,

704
00:36:09,320 --> 00:36:13,200
Speaker 3: she understands you, and she'll be there for you. Not

705
00:36:13,360 --> 00:36:16,000
Speaker 3: in a mothering way, like in a you know, like

706
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,440
Speaker 3: I love you, because it wasn't love.

707
00:36:19,280 --> 00:36:23,120
Speaker 2: It was really just like a depth of understanding of

708
00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:23,720
Speaker 2: your psyche.

709
00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:24,719
Speaker 4: Yeah.

710
00:36:24,719 --> 00:36:26,799
Speaker 5: It feels like a lot of people feel lost, and

711
00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:29,239
Speaker 5: she's like, and I can show you the way home.

712
00:36:30,719 --> 00:36:33,000
Speaker 3: Well, all of us, you know, till the wee hours

713
00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:36,200
Speaker 3: of the morning, surrendered, except for Bill.

714
00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:37,840
Speaker 1: Bill.

715
00:36:38,080 --> 00:36:38,360
Speaker 2: Bill.

716
00:36:38,719 --> 00:36:41,640
Speaker 3: Bill was not willing to do it. He was like,

717
00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:43,960
Speaker 3: I don't know what it means. I don't know what

718
00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:44,840
Speaker 3: that entails.

719
00:36:45,480 --> 00:36:47,480
Speaker 2: I'm not doing it. Go Bill, I'm not doing it.

720
00:36:47,520 --> 00:36:50,360
Speaker 2: She was pissed. I'm sure pissed.

721
00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:54,520
Speaker 1: That's amazing.

722
00:36:54,600 --> 00:36:56,400
Speaker 2: He's a good one. I'm king.

723
00:36:57,760 --> 00:37:00,680
Speaker 9: Thank God, thank God for Bill. I mean, I wouldn't

724
00:37:00,680 --> 00:37:03,799
Speaker 9: have gone in there likely if it hadn't been, But

725
00:37:03,920 --> 00:37:05,960
Speaker 9: I also could have stayed in had it not been

726
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:10,280
Speaker 9: for Bilson. All right, Yeah, so she's pissed.

727
00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:11,400
Speaker 2: She's like gone.

728
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:14,520
Speaker 3: The next morning, even before we woke up, and we're

729
00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:17,360
Speaker 3: driving back to San Francisco, and I remember being in

730
00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:20,000
Speaker 3: the back of the car and someone else was driving,

731
00:37:20,239 --> 00:37:22,759
Speaker 3: and I was thinking, what the fuck was that? That

732
00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:25,360
Speaker 3: was supposed to be my opening course for my demo

733
00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:27,399
Speaker 3: of me being an orgasm for an hour?

734
00:37:27,640 --> 00:37:30,279
Speaker 2: I did not get stroked once on my clip, Like

735
00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:31,640
Speaker 2: what is that about?

736
00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:32,680
Speaker 1: Wow?

737
00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:35,720
Speaker 3: And then I thought, like then I noticed this thought

738
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:37,920
Speaker 3: was like, well, it must have been what I wanted,

739
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:40,759
Speaker 3: and that was something that Nicole said and a lot

740
00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:43,880
Speaker 3: of the members of the community. Well, if that's what's happening,

741
00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:45,040
Speaker 3: it must be what you want.

742
00:37:45,640 --> 00:37:46,320
Speaker 2: So I started.

743
00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:49,080
Speaker 3: That was the first time that I remembered that I

744
00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:49,839
Speaker 3: was starting.

745
00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:50,720
Speaker 2: To mind fuck myself.

746
00:37:51,120 --> 00:37:55,600
Speaker 3: Wow. Yeah, like convincing myself, Well, I guess that's what

747
00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:58,120
Speaker 3: I wanted. If that's what happened, why didn't I say

748
00:37:58,120 --> 00:37:59,240
Speaker 3: we're gonna where's the table?

749
00:37:59,320 --> 00:38:02,279
Speaker 2: Why am I not having a due date here? Wow?

750
00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:02,960
Speaker 6: Right?

751
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:04,120
Speaker 2: Yeah.

752
00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:07,680
Speaker 1: The specificity with which you're describing this is amazing. I

753
00:38:07,719 --> 00:38:10,879
Speaker 1: feel like a few people can articulate these like very

754
00:38:10,920 --> 00:38:14,040
Speaker 1: specific things that are happening in their brains and the

755
00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:16,600
Speaker 1: manipulations that are happening. So I just really appreciate.

756
00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:18,920
Speaker 3: That I spent a lot of time writing this story,

757
00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:22,520
Speaker 3: which was really healing for me and ultimately very very

758
00:38:22,560 --> 00:38:26,480
Speaker 3: meaningful in my whole journey with this. So I'm just

759
00:38:26,560 --> 00:38:29,440
Speaker 3: working on this for this center that's about to open.

760
00:38:29,960 --> 00:38:31,160
Speaker 2: Nicole found a spot.

761
00:38:31,400 --> 00:38:34,680
Speaker 3: She's got this guy named Rob who's you know, had

762
00:38:34,719 --> 00:38:36,840
Speaker 3: made a bunch of money in the dot com world,

763
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:40,359
Speaker 3: and so he was funding the center to open up

764
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:42,640
Speaker 3: the space, furnish the space, and there was going.

765
00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:43,319
Speaker 2: To be a juice bar.

766
00:38:43,719 --> 00:38:46,080
Speaker 3: There was a yoga studio upstairs, and the whole idea

767
00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:48,880
Speaker 3: in a little shop to bring people in for juice

768
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:51,200
Speaker 3: or a healthy bite or a yoga class, and then

769
00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:53,560
Speaker 3: you know, bring them into the courses, bring them to

770
00:38:53,600 --> 00:38:56,319
Speaker 3: the community and so forth. And so meanwhile Bill and

771
00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:58,759
Speaker 3: I were living in San Francisco and I had a

772
00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:02,680
Speaker 3: house that was the mortgage was really high, and Nicole said, listen,

773
00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:04,400
Speaker 3: if you're going to be my second, you have to

774
00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:05,520
Speaker 3: move down and live with.

775
00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:06,520
Speaker 2: Us in Brisbane.

776
00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:09,759
Speaker 3: And I thought, well, sure, because I can't afford to

777
00:39:09,760 --> 00:39:12,240
Speaker 3: pay my mortgage anymore anyway, because I'm not making any money,

778
00:39:12,280 --> 00:39:14,280
Speaker 3: I'm just working for you for free.

779
00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:15,719
Speaker 2: So wow.

780
00:39:16,160 --> 00:39:19,480
Speaker 3: Now Bill never left his job, thankfully, but I had

781
00:39:19,520 --> 00:39:22,600
Speaker 3: a mediation practice at the time that I then let

782
00:39:22,760 --> 00:39:26,360
Speaker 3: lie fallow and just devoted all my time and energy

783
00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:30,200
Speaker 3: to opening this center with Nicole. Meanwhile, the center is

784
00:39:30,239 --> 00:39:32,920
Speaker 3: going to open at the end of July two thousand

785
00:39:32,920 --> 00:39:36,320
Speaker 3: and four, and I'm like the poster girl. I'm on

786
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:39,120
Speaker 3: the front of all the posters and all of the

787
00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:42,759
Speaker 3: marketing materials. So my egos loving this shit.

788
00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:46,719
Speaker 2: You know. It's like my parents are coming up for this.

789
00:39:46,840 --> 00:39:50,360
Speaker 3: My Bill's parents are flying out from the East Coast.

790
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:51,600
Speaker 4: I know, I know.

791
00:39:52,040 --> 00:39:52,960
Speaker 2: It's so weird.

792
00:39:53,080 --> 00:39:55,600
Speaker 3: And all my friends, it's like all my time is

793
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:58,040
Speaker 3: at this center. So I have some friends who have

794
00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:01,239
Speaker 3: gotten involved with it. If you want to see me,

795
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:03,000
Speaker 3: you have to come to this center. That's where I

796
00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:06,200
Speaker 3: am like most of the time, other than being down.

797
00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:07,840
Speaker 2: In the house in Brisbane just to sleep for a

798
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:08,480
Speaker 2: few hours a night.

799
00:40:08,560 --> 00:40:09,960
Speaker 1: And you're not getting paid at all.

800
00:40:10,280 --> 00:40:11,640
Speaker 2: No, no, wow.

801
00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:14,160
Speaker 3: And really, the group of us are doing whatever it

802
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,200
Speaker 3: takes to get the most approval from Nicole.

803
00:40:16,360 --> 00:40:16,520
Speaker 4: You know.

804
00:40:16,600 --> 00:40:19,279
Speaker 3: Meanwhile, I'm learning how to get people to do what

805
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:21,839
Speaker 3: I want them to do, which was mostly whatever's going

806
00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:24,160
Speaker 3: to get me approval from Nicole, so to get them.

807
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,520
Speaker 2: Into the course to have a session with her, you

808
00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:27,400
Speaker 2: know whatever.

809
00:40:27,719 --> 00:40:31,160
Speaker 5: How did the next day, after your demonstration kind of

810
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:35,000
Speaker 5: failure where Bill didn't surrender, how did you, guys, like

811
00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:36,920
Speaker 5: make it good with her again?

812
00:40:37,040 --> 00:40:38,759
Speaker 4: Does she just forget and move on?

813
00:40:39,120 --> 00:40:39,680
Speaker 2: No?

814
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:42,600
Speaker 3: No, she's fine with me because I surrendered, Right Bill,

815
00:40:42,719 --> 00:40:45,640
Speaker 3: there's already some friction, so to say, there's friction, and

816
00:40:45,719 --> 00:40:48,680
Speaker 3: he's kind of moving away, and he's kind of stepping back, going, No,

817
00:40:49,000 --> 00:40:51,960
Speaker 3: I don't really want to take over the educational arm

818
00:40:52,120 --> 00:40:53,480
Speaker 3: of the Insight Institute.

819
00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:54,719
Speaker 2: That's what they called it at the time.

820
00:40:54,760 --> 00:40:55,880
Speaker 4: Okay, you know, I don't.

821
00:40:55,680 --> 00:40:56,799
Speaker 2: Really want to do that.

822
00:40:57,200 --> 00:40:59,160
Speaker 3: Bill, much to his chagrin, was the one who came

823
00:40:59,239 --> 00:41:01,120
Speaker 3: up with the name for the center, called One Taste,

824
00:41:01,120 --> 00:41:03,880
Speaker 3: which then became the name of the whole organization. It

825
00:41:03,960 --> 00:41:08,560
Speaker 3: is a brilliant She was really into Ken Wilbur, and

826
00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:11,760
Speaker 3: so there was a book by that name by Ken Wilbur,

827
00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:13,600
Speaker 3: and Bill just thought, Hey, what about this?

828
00:41:13,960 --> 00:41:15,160
Speaker 1: So who's Ken Wilber.

829
00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:19,920
Speaker 3: Ken Wilbert is a He's like a Buddhist theorist, perhaps

830
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:23,800
Speaker 3: like an analyst as well. Nicole was really into Ken Wilburn,

831
00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:29,080
Speaker 3: Alan Watts a kind of a thinker, like spiritual more

832
00:41:29,160 --> 00:41:30,600
Speaker 3: thinker than practitioner.

833
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:32,000
Speaker 2: I would say, got it.

834
00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:36,040
Speaker 1: I'm curious as to the practice itself, like how you

835
00:41:36,080 --> 00:41:40,960
Speaker 1: looked at it? Was it a spirituality thing or was

836
00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:43,759
Speaker 1: it more just like trying to find your confidence as

837
00:41:43,800 --> 00:41:47,040
Speaker 1: a sexual being? Like how are you viewing the actual practice?

838
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:50,040
Speaker 2: The actual practice was not a spiritual thing.

839
00:41:50,080 --> 00:41:52,160
Speaker 1: It was never a spiritual thing, Okay.

840
00:41:52,440 --> 00:41:56,400
Speaker 3: Nicole renamed it to market it as a spiritual practice

841
00:41:56,719 --> 00:42:01,160
Speaker 3: and as a meditation mindfulness practice. It was about bringing

842
00:42:01,200 --> 00:42:05,080
Speaker 3: your whole self to this practice. It was bringing your

843
00:42:05,080 --> 00:42:07,799
Speaker 3: attention to your genitals or to your finger or to

844
00:42:07,840 --> 00:42:10,719
Speaker 3: your hand, you know, if you're stroking a man's genitals,

845
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:13,560
Speaker 3: That's what it was, and asking for what you wanted

846
00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:16,839
Speaker 3: and just surrendering to the sensation in your body and

847
00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:19,200
Speaker 3: asking for what you wanted, which is a great practice

848
00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:20,160
Speaker 3: to be able to.

849
00:42:20,160 --> 00:42:21,040
Speaker 2: Ask for what you want.

850
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:26,320
Speaker 3: Of course, no spirituality, no heart, no nothing, no okay,

851
00:42:26,920 --> 00:42:29,160
Speaker 3: but I did have a spiritual practice, and I still do,

852
00:42:29,440 --> 00:42:31,879
Speaker 3: and so did Bill. We were both students of Zen,

853
00:42:32,600 --> 00:42:35,560
Speaker 3: so I was still having due dates you know with Bill,

854
00:42:35,680 --> 00:42:38,280
Speaker 3: and we had a couple training sessions, but not much

855
00:42:38,400 --> 00:42:41,720
Speaker 3: you know for my demo. And the practice was really

856
00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:45,520
Speaker 3: it feels good. It feels good, and it also energizes

857
00:42:45,560 --> 00:42:48,000
Speaker 3: you and gets you high. It really does, and it

858
00:42:48,040 --> 00:42:52,360
Speaker 3: becomes like an addiction, like you know, Okay, you're feeling something,

859
00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:55,399
Speaker 3: you're feeling a difficult emotion, go have a due date.

860
00:42:56,040 --> 00:42:58,160
Speaker 3: So it's like go smoke a joint or go have

861
00:42:58,200 --> 00:42:59,839
Speaker 3: a glass of wine. You know, it's the same kind

862
00:42:59,840 --> 00:43:00,359
Speaker 3: of thing.

863
00:43:00,560 --> 00:43:02,520
Speaker 4: I have a due date just means do the fifteen

864
00:43:02,560 --> 00:43:03,680
Speaker 4: minute practice.

865
00:43:04,080 --> 00:43:08,160
Speaker 3: So it wasn't so defined, I say, and I was involved,

866
00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:11,160
Speaker 3: so she hadn't yet you know, marketed it to such

867
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:15,960
Speaker 3: a degree of like the structure and but it was

868
00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:18,440
Speaker 3: just have a due date where you know someone's stroking

869
00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:20,400
Speaker 3: you for a certain amount of time, but not with

870
00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:22,839
Speaker 3: a timer, and you know that wasn't happening back then.

871
00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:25,919
Speaker 4: Got it on the early days the Stone Age.

872
00:43:26,239 --> 00:43:28,879
Speaker 2: Yeah.

873
00:43:29,400 --> 00:43:34,240
Speaker 3: Bill actually went away on a week long meditation retreat, which.

874
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:36,160
Speaker 2: Was such a blessing for both of us.

875
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:41,759
Speaker 3: But basically him going away allowed him to reconnect in

876
00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:45,840
Speaker 3: with himself. And that's the power that Nicole had over

877
00:43:45,960 --> 00:43:48,520
Speaker 3: a person was you had to be around her, which

878
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:51,280
Speaker 3: is why she wanted to always be up in everybody's business.

879
00:43:51,480 --> 00:43:54,560
Speaker 3: I was suggesting when she was overwhelmed at one point

880
00:43:54,600 --> 00:43:57,520
Speaker 3: that people not everybody go to her all the time

881
00:43:57,560 --> 00:43:58,560
Speaker 3: with their issues, and she.

882
00:43:58,600 --> 00:44:00,000
Speaker 2: Was like, oh, no, no, no, no, I want people

883
00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:01,839
Speaker 2: to come to me. That's what I want.

884
00:44:02,560 --> 00:44:06,080
Speaker 3: But Bill had, you know, seven days to reconnect in

885
00:44:06,280 --> 00:44:10,520
Speaker 3: and recognize, Wow, how he had disconnected from himself and

886
00:44:10,640 --> 00:44:15,080
Speaker 3: also the harm that Nicole was causing, not only to himself,

887
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:18,160
Speaker 3: to our relationship, and also to those people around her.

888
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:21,560
Speaker 3: So he was really able to have that distance and

889
00:44:21,600 --> 00:44:23,840
Speaker 3: see what was happening.

890
00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:26,279
Speaker 2: And he came back and did not want to be

891
00:44:26,320 --> 00:44:27,239
Speaker 2: involved at all.

892
00:44:28,560 --> 00:44:31,239
Speaker 3: However, I was like one hundred and fifty percent in,

893
00:44:32,160 --> 00:44:33,880
Speaker 3: so he didn't want to leave me either.

894
00:44:34,800 --> 00:44:37,279
Speaker 2: So we have this big grand opening.

895
00:44:37,880 --> 00:44:39,799
Speaker 3: You know, I'm running around, I'm in charge of all

896
00:44:39,800 --> 00:44:42,520
Speaker 3: these events that are happening at the center, and Bill

897
00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:45,080
Speaker 3: is just becoming more and more persona non grata.

898
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:46,879
Speaker 2: Nicole's ignoring him.

899
00:44:47,200 --> 00:44:50,239
Speaker 3: Of course, the organization of the group is very much

900
00:44:50,280 --> 00:44:52,960
Speaker 3: about being in or being out, and everybody wants.

901
00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:54,160
Speaker 2: To be in. You know, you want to be in

902
00:44:54,239 --> 00:44:56,560
Speaker 2: with Nicole, so to be in with Nicole.

903
00:44:56,840 --> 00:44:59,080
Speaker 3: If someone else is out, then you treat them out too,

904
00:44:59,280 --> 00:45:01,760
Speaker 3: you know they're out for you. So people are ignoring

905
00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:05,360
Speaker 3: him as he's invisible, like standing in the kitchen of

906
00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:06,680
Speaker 3: where we're living, like is.

907
00:45:07,120 --> 00:45:08,759
Speaker 2: Really really detrimental.

908
00:45:08,800 --> 00:45:12,520
Speaker 3: And I could see, you know, the harm happening to him.

909
00:45:12,640 --> 00:45:14,279
Speaker 2: And I can tell you another story, or I could

910
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:15,120
Speaker 2: just go to the end.

911
00:45:15,360 --> 00:45:16,320
Speaker 4: One more story.

912
00:45:16,880 --> 00:45:19,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, So was.

913
00:45:19,080 --> 00:45:22,279
Speaker 3: After Bill was really taking a step back. It was

914
00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:24,520
Speaker 3: a Saturday night and there was a ton of the

915
00:45:24,560 --> 00:45:25,600
Speaker 3: whole place was a mess.

916
00:45:25,680 --> 00:45:27,399
Speaker 2: The kitchen was a mess. Everything was a mess.

917
00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:29,960
Speaker 3: At the center, we had had some big event and

918
00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:33,680
Speaker 3: everybody was cleaning up, and there was Nicole sitting like,

919
00:45:33,960 --> 00:45:38,160
Speaker 3: you know, the queen, not lifting a finger. And I said,

920
00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:39,759
Speaker 3: what you know, are you not going to help? Like

921
00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:40,840
Speaker 3: what come on?

922
00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:44,759
Speaker 2: Yes, she didn't do anything. And I flashed back to

923
00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:47,719
Speaker 2: my zen teacher at the time, who was like in

924
00:45:47,760 --> 00:45:51,440
Speaker 2: her seventies, okay, and at the end of a meditation

925
00:45:51,520 --> 00:45:52,960
Speaker 2: retreat and she's mopping the floor.

926
00:45:53,040 --> 00:45:56,120
Speaker 3: So she's probably doing the worst most heavy lifting job

927
00:45:56,640 --> 00:46:00,200
Speaker 3: of anybody, you know, and so I just juxtaposed those

928
00:46:00,239 --> 00:46:01,000
Speaker 3: two images.

929
00:46:01,600 --> 00:46:04,720
Speaker 2: I was like, Okay, this is fucking off, you know something.

930
00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:06,680
Speaker 2: So that was another like crack, you know. I'd had

931
00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:09,360
Speaker 2: these like moments of like, this is off.

932
00:46:10,000 --> 00:46:12,279
Speaker 3: And so the next morning, Sunday mornings, we had a

933
00:46:12,320 --> 00:46:16,879
Speaker 3: meditation at the One Taste Center and I was the timekeeper.

934
00:46:17,000 --> 00:46:20,000
Speaker 2: So I show up that morning and I'm still pissed.

935
00:46:20,280 --> 00:46:22,760
Speaker 3: And the only other people who show up are Nicole

936
00:46:22,840 --> 00:46:25,480
Speaker 3: and her boyfriend at the time, and so I'm kind

937
00:46:25,480 --> 00:46:28,080
Speaker 3: of I'm being icy, and I'm feeling really powerful, and

938
00:46:28,120 --> 00:46:30,439
Speaker 3: I got that Lilith kind of energy like fuck you,

939
00:46:30,440 --> 00:46:33,640
Speaker 3: you're not gonna I'm angry, and I felt.

940
00:46:33,360 --> 00:46:34,320
Speaker 2: Powerful and strong.

941
00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:38,840
Speaker 3: And Nicole then says, well, how about we do a

942
00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:43,000
Speaker 3: training session for your demo instead of the meditation this morning?

943
00:46:43,400 --> 00:46:45,480
Speaker 2: And I was like no, no, And so she's working

944
00:46:45,480 --> 00:46:48,160
Speaker 2: on me, and she's working on me, and finally I

945
00:46:48,239 --> 00:46:52,760
Speaker 2: acquiesce and I say okay, And.

946
00:46:52,719 --> 00:46:55,680
Speaker 3: So, you know, we get out the massage table and

947
00:46:55,719 --> 00:46:57,799
Speaker 3: I get up on the table and just me and

948
00:46:57,960 --> 00:47:00,839
Speaker 3: Nicole was stroking me, and her guy is right there too,

949
00:47:01,600 --> 00:47:06,120
Speaker 3: and as she's stroking me, I feel myself disassociating and disconnecting,

950
00:47:06,160 --> 00:47:10,040
Speaker 3: and yes, it feels good, the actual physical sensation. It's

951
00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:12,600
Speaker 3: kind of like an abuser, like when I've worked with

952
00:47:12,840 --> 00:47:15,560
Speaker 3: people who have been sexually abused as kids, when it's

953
00:47:15,640 --> 00:47:19,680
Speaker 3: so confusing because often it feels really good, because it

954
00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:23,200
Speaker 3: feels good when somebody touches your genitals, right, But yet

955
00:47:23,520 --> 00:47:26,680
Speaker 3: it's so conflictual because you don't want it to feel

956
00:47:26,719 --> 00:47:29,920
Speaker 3: good when this person is touching. Now, it's not exactly

957
00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:33,520
Speaker 3: because I gave my consent I was an adult. However,

958
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:37,640
Speaker 3: it's similar because of the disassociation that happens.

959
00:47:38,280 --> 00:47:41,000
Speaker 2: You know often with you know, sexual abuse survivors.

960
00:47:41,160 --> 00:47:42,960
Speaker 1: It's something that you didn't want to do. It sounds

961
00:47:42,960 --> 00:47:44,880
Speaker 1: like she coerced you into doing something.

962
00:47:45,040 --> 00:47:45,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I.

963
00:47:46,120 --> 00:47:50,520
Speaker 3: Did agree, And yet you know, I disconnected from that

964
00:47:50,880 --> 00:47:56,319
Speaker 3: powerful feeling inner Lilith, that anger, and I was back

965
00:47:56,360 --> 00:47:59,760
Speaker 3: into Eve going along, and I was like out of touch,

966
00:48:00,320 --> 00:48:00,759
Speaker 3: out of my.

967
00:48:00,800 --> 00:48:02,920
Speaker 2: Center and performing.

968
00:48:03,239 --> 00:48:07,600
Speaker 3: So for me, a due date with Nicole became getting

969
00:48:07,640 --> 00:48:10,719
Speaker 3: off how Nicole wanted me to get off, and then

970
00:48:10,800 --> 00:48:14,319
Speaker 3: what I found Since over the years, I've known many

971
00:48:14,320 --> 00:48:17,799
Speaker 3: people and many people who stayed in Unfortunately, I had

972
00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:20,960
Speaker 3: a lot of friends and I was a loyal friend,

973
00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:24,000
Speaker 3: and so people trusted me, and both Bill and I

974
00:48:24,040 --> 00:48:26,520
Speaker 3: brought a lot of people into there, and some people

975
00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:27,480
Speaker 3: stayed for years.

976
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:29,280
Speaker 2: So I came to find.

977
00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:32,120
Speaker 3: Out, you know, more and more, she got very specific about,

978
00:48:32,280 --> 00:48:34,360
Speaker 3: you know, this area of the clit is supposed to

979
00:48:34,360 --> 00:48:36,080
Speaker 3: feel like this, and this is supposed to feel like this,

980
00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:39,520
Speaker 3: and for fifteen minutes, and all this structure, making it

981
00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:43,239
Speaker 3: seem that there's a particular way that you're supposed to

982
00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:46,120
Speaker 3: feel when the clit is touched in a particular way

983
00:48:46,200 --> 00:48:49,160
Speaker 3: right now, So that for me then becomes a prison.

984
00:48:49,920 --> 00:48:52,160
Speaker 3: It was more of a performance and trying to get

985
00:48:52,160 --> 00:48:54,520
Speaker 3: off the way Nicole wanted me to get off, as

986
00:48:54,520 --> 00:48:58,160
Speaker 3: opposed to getting off the way that is totally natural

987
00:48:58,160 --> 00:48:59,800
Speaker 3: and innate and authentic for me.

988
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:02,600
Speaker 1: All right, which is the opposite of what she's presenting

989
00:49:02,640 --> 00:49:05,319
Speaker 1: it as exactly for you, which is a way to

990
00:49:05,360 --> 00:49:08,000
Speaker 1: ask for what you want. I did notice I watched

991
00:49:08,040 --> 00:49:12,600
Speaker 1: some of their like online demonstrations on YouTube and stuff,

992
00:49:12,800 --> 00:49:15,439
Speaker 1: and I took note of the fact that she very

993
00:49:15,480 --> 00:49:19,399
Speaker 1: specifically says it must be the upper left quadrant of

994
00:49:19,480 --> 00:49:22,080
Speaker 1: the clit, and like, why is that just because that's

995
00:49:22,080 --> 00:49:25,600
Speaker 1: where she likes it, like yeah, and yeah, the fifteen

996
00:49:25,640 --> 00:49:28,080
Speaker 1: minute limit. I'm like, that's not where my pleasure spot

997
00:49:28,080 --> 00:49:31,160
Speaker 1: would be. But like, okay, noicle, whatever you say. And

998
00:49:31,200 --> 00:49:34,120
Speaker 1: what about women who you know, maybe don't have orgasms

999
00:49:34,160 --> 00:49:36,319
Speaker 1: in the same way or don't have orgasms at all.

1000
00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:39,080
Speaker 1: I mean, it's just seems so like limiting and like

1001
00:49:39,120 --> 00:49:41,000
Speaker 1: it could very easily turn into why am I doing

1002
00:49:41,000 --> 00:49:42,560
Speaker 1: this wrong? Why isn't this working for me?

1003
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:44,239
Speaker 2: Exactly exactly?

1004
00:49:44,560 --> 00:49:46,640
Speaker 3: And I would say those women who feel like they

1005
00:49:46,640 --> 00:49:49,719
Speaker 3: don't have orgasms, they're just limiting the definition of the

1006
00:49:49,800 --> 00:49:53,080
Speaker 3: orgasm to like, you know, having a lot of contractions

1007
00:49:53,080 --> 00:49:55,479
Speaker 3: of the cervix, you know, and going over the edge,

1008
00:49:55,560 --> 00:49:57,600
Speaker 3: as opposed to if you look at it as like

1009
00:49:57,920 --> 00:50:00,000
Speaker 3: the most sensation I feel in my body is right

1010
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:02,800
Speaker 3: now in my pussy, maybe that could be a orgasm,

1011
00:50:03,040 --> 00:50:07,399
Speaker 3: you know, if that's empowering to you, right, But yes,

1012
00:50:07,520 --> 00:50:10,520
Speaker 3: I mean the whole upper left hand quadrant thing is

1013
00:50:10,640 --> 00:50:14,200
Speaker 3: definitely from vic baranco, you know, comes from that, and

1014
00:50:14,560 --> 00:50:17,200
Speaker 3: sometimes it is the most sensitive part, but not all

1015
00:50:17,239 --> 00:50:17,680
Speaker 3: the time.

1016
00:50:18,080 --> 00:50:18,279
Speaker 5: You know.

1017
00:50:18,360 --> 00:50:20,719
Speaker 3: It's like, no, that's the whole point is That's why

1018
00:50:20,760 --> 00:50:26,160
Speaker 3: you're directing somebody to move around, so Meanwhile, Nicole is

1019
00:50:26,239 --> 00:50:28,800
Speaker 3: really grooming me. Like I said, she wants me to stay,

1020
00:50:29,239 --> 00:50:30,880
Speaker 3: She's grooming me to be her second.

1021
00:50:31,200 --> 00:50:33,600
Speaker 2: Where Bill I can see, I mean, he's aging before

1022
00:50:33,640 --> 00:50:34,040
Speaker 2: my eyes.

1023
00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:36,200
Speaker 3: So I feel like I'm being pulled between the two

1024
00:50:36,239 --> 00:50:39,840
Speaker 3: of them, and so I go away by myself for

1025
00:50:40,120 --> 00:50:40,640
Speaker 3: just a night.

1026
00:50:40,760 --> 00:50:43,480
Speaker 2: I went up to Point Raise, and it didn't take long.

1027
00:50:43,280 --> 00:50:46,160
Speaker 3: For me once I was away to just drop in

1028
00:50:46,320 --> 00:50:50,239
Speaker 3: and reconnect with a little bit of myself more than

1029
00:50:50,280 --> 00:50:52,680
Speaker 3: I had been for you know, ten months at this point,

1030
00:50:52,800 --> 00:50:54,520
Speaker 3: nine months.

1031
00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:57,000
Speaker 2: And realize that, hey, I want to have it all.

1032
00:50:57,120 --> 00:51:00,440
Speaker 3: I mean, living in this communal house is really not

1033
00:51:00,480 --> 00:51:02,200
Speaker 3: good for Bill. So we've got to move out of

1034
00:51:02,239 --> 00:51:06,160
Speaker 3: that house. And I was still really committed. I've put

1035
00:51:06,200 --> 00:51:10,120
Speaker 3: in countless hours and energy into this center.

1036
00:51:10,360 --> 00:51:11,720
Speaker 2: I'm committed. I'm gonna.

1037
00:51:11,760 --> 00:51:13,799
Speaker 3: I was still like had drunk the kool aid and

1038
00:51:13,880 --> 00:51:17,560
Speaker 3: was feeling like, okay, I was still in to partner.

1039
00:51:17,160 --> 00:51:18,480
Speaker 2: With Nicole on her vision.

1040
00:51:19,320 --> 00:51:22,319
Speaker 3: So I'm driving back from being away and I call

1041
00:51:22,400 --> 00:51:25,360
Speaker 3: up Nicole and I say, Nicole, I know what I want.

1042
00:51:25,600 --> 00:51:27,919
Speaker 3: I mean you always talk about like how this work

1043
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:31,160
Speaker 3: that you do is about women having everything that they want,

1044
00:51:31,440 --> 00:51:33,880
Speaker 3: and I want to have everything. So I want to

1045
00:51:33,880 --> 00:51:35,920
Speaker 3: stay with Bill, and we're going to move out of

1046
00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:39,200
Speaker 3: the house and I'm going to be your partner in

1047
00:51:39,239 --> 00:51:40,680
Speaker 3: one taste, I mean, I'm going to be at the

1048
00:51:40,719 --> 00:51:42,640
Speaker 3: center all the time that I'm always there.

1049
00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:44,560
Speaker 2: I'm just going to live back in the city.

1050
00:51:45,360 --> 00:51:48,040
Speaker 3: The other end of line goes silent, and then I

1051
00:51:48,120 --> 00:51:53,200
Speaker 3: hear her like Nicole knows best voice. Oh, honey, I

1052
00:51:53,200 --> 00:51:54,440
Speaker 3: don't know if you're going to make it out of

1053
00:51:54,480 --> 00:51:58,359
Speaker 3: this one. What are you talking about, Nicole. I mean,

1054
00:51:58,400 --> 00:52:01,000
Speaker 3: I've made it out. I know what I want. I want,

1055
00:52:01,200 --> 00:52:04,520
Speaker 3: I want to have it all. Oh honey, I don't

1056
00:52:04,560 --> 00:52:05,839
Speaker 3: know if you're going to make it out of here.

1057
00:52:06,560 --> 00:52:07,760
Speaker 3: And then she hangs up the phone.

1058
00:52:08,239 --> 00:52:09,040
Speaker 2: Wow.

1059
00:52:09,640 --> 00:52:13,080
Speaker 3: So that is the master manipulator, so trying to delude

1060
00:52:13,200 --> 00:52:16,319
Speaker 3: me that I'm deluded right right.

1061
00:52:18,600 --> 00:52:20,799
Speaker 1: Wow, it's so abusive.

1062
00:52:21,160 --> 00:52:23,280
Speaker 3: So I was in that place for a few days

1063
00:52:23,360 --> 00:52:25,960
Speaker 3: of like I don't know where I am, and I

1064
00:52:26,080 --> 00:52:29,960
Speaker 3: felt awful and everything is uh and I'm really murky,

1065
00:52:30,560 --> 00:52:33,360
Speaker 3: and you know, like in the fog. In the fog,

1066
00:52:33,400 --> 00:52:37,640
Speaker 3: I can't see anything clearly. Luckily, there was an intro

1067
00:52:37,840 --> 00:52:41,279
Speaker 3: evening for an upcoming course, and so I was there

1068
00:52:41,320 --> 00:52:43,400
Speaker 3: sitting on the couch. The couch was a place of

1069
00:52:43,560 --> 00:52:45,880
Speaker 3: leadership and kind of a hierarchical place.

1070
00:52:45,880 --> 00:52:48,160
Speaker 2: So I was sitting on the couch for Nicole that night.

1071
00:52:48,239 --> 00:52:50,359
Speaker 3: Well, she was in a bad mood and I was

1072
00:52:50,920 --> 00:52:53,840
Speaker 3: feeling really awkward because I was in this fog, not

1073
00:52:53,960 --> 00:52:55,080
Speaker 3: knowing what was really real.

1074
00:52:56,239 --> 00:52:58,759
Speaker 2: And Nicole announces that she's going to do.

1075
00:52:58,719 --> 00:53:03,280
Speaker 3: A demo of a delivery orgasm, and so there's electricity

1076
00:53:03,360 --> 00:53:06,200
Speaker 3: in the air of the women in the community because

1077
00:53:06,200 --> 00:53:09,280
Speaker 3: she's going to call on somebody, and so she calls

1078
00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:14,520
Speaker 3: Patricia's name, and I remember both feeling relieved and also

1079
00:53:14,560 --> 00:53:18,200
Speaker 3: a little disappointed. And so I was on the couch

1080
00:53:18,280 --> 00:53:21,360
Speaker 3: and Patricia drops her pants, climbs up onto.

1081
00:53:21,160 --> 00:53:23,000
Speaker 2: The table, and I wanted to get.

1082
00:53:22,840 --> 00:53:25,760
Speaker 3: Out of the way of the show, if you will,

1083
00:53:26,239 --> 00:53:28,840
Speaker 3: So I moved to the back of the room thankfully,

1084
00:53:28,960 --> 00:53:32,520
Speaker 3: like something, you know, had me move to the back.

1085
00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:35,960
Speaker 3: And so I start watching this and Nicole is like

1086
00:53:36,560 --> 00:53:38,759
Speaker 3: and she's, you know, making a lot of noise and

1087
00:53:38,880 --> 00:53:41,200
Speaker 3: kind of like pushing, you know. She told me that

1088
00:53:41,440 --> 00:53:45,239
Speaker 3: during Patricia's demo back in February, that that was not

1089
00:53:45,480 --> 00:53:48,680
Speaker 3: Patricia's orgasm, that that was Nicole's orgasm that she was

1090
00:53:48,719 --> 00:53:49,839
Speaker 3: pushing into.

1091
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:51,799
Speaker 2: Her she couldn't have years ago.

1092
00:53:52,320 --> 00:53:54,080
Speaker 1: Oh god, yeah, okay.

1093
00:53:54,000 --> 00:53:56,600
Speaker 2: So this is Nicole also doing this whole thing.

1094
00:53:57,040 --> 00:54:00,720
Speaker 3: And at that moment, the rose colored glove asses shatter

1095
00:54:00,840 --> 00:54:04,840
Speaker 3: and the spell like breaks. And I see, like all

1096
00:54:04,920 --> 00:54:07,640
Speaker 3: of these men, mostly men, there are a few women

1097
00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:10,440
Speaker 3: who are like gawking and amazed at what they're seeing.

1098
00:54:10,520 --> 00:54:12,719
Speaker 2: I mean, what they've happened upon for free.

1099
00:54:12,760 --> 00:54:15,960
Speaker 3: They're they're you know, coming to this evening seeing this

1100
00:54:16,000 --> 00:54:20,319
Speaker 3: woman get her pussy stroke. And I recognized that if

1101
00:54:20,400 --> 00:54:22,440
Speaker 3: Nicole had called my name, that would have been me

1102
00:54:22,640 --> 00:54:26,560
Speaker 3: up on the table. And I just saw it for

1103
00:54:26,640 --> 00:54:31,960
Speaker 3: the first time that how she was using Patricia and

1104
00:54:32,040 --> 00:54:36,359
Speaker 3: her you know, sacred orgasmic energy in her body to.

1105
00:54:36,320 --> 00:54:40,279
Speaker 2: Get these people into a course, right and and and

1106
00:54:40,640 --> 00:54:42,080
Speaker 2: I was like, holy shit.

1107
00:54:43,239 --> 00:54:46,160
Speaker 3: And I think it was really just that recognition that

1108
00:54:46,160 --> 00:54:48,600
Speaker 3: that I would have just done that in a second,

1109
00:54:49,120 --> 00:54:52,040
Speaker 3: jumped up, pulled off my pants and spread my legs

1110
00:54:52,360 --> 00:54:55,240
Speaker 3: and let her use me in that way which she had.

1111
00:54:55,040 --> 00:54:59,640
Speaker 4: Before, right right, you know.

1112
00:54:59,680 --> 00:55:02,160
Speaker 3: I I told her the next morning that I was leaving,

1113
00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:05,479
Speaker 3: and you know, and Bill was obviously thrilled to leave,

1114
00:55:05,480 --> 00:55:08,880
Speaker 3: but it took years for me to really get her.

1115
00:55:09,239 --> 00:55:13,120
Speaker 3: I considered like vampiric tendrils out of my system and

1116
00:55:13,160 --> 00:55:16,600
Speaker 3: out of my body, with the help of a really

1117
00:55:17,080 --> 00:55:21,640
Speaker 3: powerful sister healer, having a few sessions with her. This

1118
00:55:21,760 --> 00:55:24,360
Speaker 3: was probably like six months after I left one taste.

1119
00:55:24,400 --> 00:55:26,400
Speaker 3: She couldn't believe. She's like, I've felt this kind of

1120
00:55:26,520 --> 00:55:30,160
Speaker 3: energy before that's wrapped around you, but never been someone

1121
00:55:30,200 --> 00:55:33,200
Speaker 3: who's still walking the planet. It's more like people who

1122
00:55:33,200 --> 00:55:35,600
Speaker 3: had been dead or people who were no longer still

1123
00:55:35,600 --> 00:55:39,600
Speaker 3: in the body. So thanks to her, many many blessings

1124
00:55:39,600 --> 00:55:43,200
Speaker 3: to my dear sister friend. And it was in looking

1125
00:55:43,239 --> 00:55:46,920
Speaker 3: at betrayal and how not only had I been betrayed

1126
00:55:46,920 --> 00:55:50,600
Speaker 3: by Nicole, who I trusted, but how much more importantly,

1127
00:55:50,640 --> 00:55:54,439
Speaker 3: how I had betrayed myself first with Bill, going along

1128
00:55:54,480 --> 00:55:57,360
Speaker 3: with Bill to go to the demo of Patricia, and.

1129
00:55:57,239 --> 00:56:00,120
Speaker 2: Then going along with what Nicole wanted me to a

1130
00:56:00,160 --> 00:56:02,360
Speaker 2: dude to say, I wanted to do my own demo.

1131
00:56:02,840 --> 00:56:07,080
Speaker 3: And it was in the writing. It spent several years writing,

1132
00:56:07,160 --> 00:56:09,120
Speaker 3: you know, on and off, this story, so I could

1133
00:56:09,120 --> 00:56:12,160
Speaker 3: just write it out. And it was a few years ago,

1134
00:56:12,680 --> 00:56:14,600
Speaker 3: and it was winter solstice, and I was in the

1135
00:56:14,680 --> 00:56:17,319
Speaker 3: tub and I was going on a journey into the

1136
00:56:17,440 --> 00:56:22,600
Speaker 3: underworld at the darkest, longest night of the year, and

1137
00:56:22,960 --> 00:56:25,319
Speaker 3: something just happened. And it was I was finishing up

1138
00:56:25,360 --> 00:56:29,080
Speaker 3: another draft of my story and my involvement with Nicole

1139
00:56:29,160 --> 00:56:34,920
Speaker 3: in one Taste, and I was singing, and I just remember,

1140
00:56:35,080 --> 00:56:37,360
Speaker 3: you know, my eyes were closed and I could feel

1141
00:56:37,480 --> 00:56:39,840
Speaker 3: It's like I called Nicole in and we were just

1142
00:56:39,880 --> 00:56:42,600
Speaker 3: both like sitting like in the etheric, if you will,

1143
00:56:42,760 --> 00:56:46,600
Speaker 3: and sitting facing each other, and it was just like

1144
00:56:46,640 --> 00:56:50,839
Speaker 3: this burst of golden light, and I could feel all

1145
00:56:50,880 --> 00:56:54,680
Speaker 3: of her pain, and it was no longer like personal,

1146
00:56:55,160 --> 00:56:57,799
Speaker 3: and it was no longer her doing something to me

1147
00:56:58,120 --> 00:57:00,279
Speaker 3: or me, you know, betraying myself. It was just like

1148
00:57:00,320 --> 00:57:05,360
Speaker 3: this universal kind of human experience of wounding, you know,

1149
00:57:05,400 --> 00:57:09,080
Speaker 3: the wounded another. And so I just it was just

1150
00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:13,560
Speaker 3: infused with forgiveness and compassion. And I had spent quite

1151
00:57:13,600 --> 00:57:17,360
Speaker 3: a while steeping in different archetypal energies and was actually

1152
00:57:17,480 --> 00:57:20,680
Speaker 3: leading priests and priests trainings for people to connect in

1153
00:57:20,720 --> 00:57:23,880
Speaker 3: with the archetype. So I'm very familiar with the archetypal energy.

1154
00:57:24,000 --> 00:57:26,600
Speaker 2: So as these came in, I was inviting them and

1155
00:57:27,160 --> 00:57:30,200
Speaker 2: welcoming the energy of compassion, forgiveness.

1156
00:57:31,120 --> 00:57:36,760
Speaker 3: It was really kind of an unexpected spontaneous healing and forgiving.

1157
00:57:37,240 --> 00:57:40,680
Speaker 1: That's amazing. I mean for somebody who has caused harm

1158
00:57:40,720 --> 00:57:43,160
Speaker 1: to so many people, that's very advanced of you to

1159
00:57:43,720 --> 00:57:44,640
Speaker 1: get to that place.

1160
00:57:45,120 --> 00:57:46,160
Speaker 2: I don't know about.

1161
00:57:46,560 --> 00:57:50,280
Speaker 3: Advance, but thank you because it wasn't like I had

1162
00:57:50,320 --> 00:57:52,960
Speaker 3: planned it or I had it was attempting to do that.

1163
00:57:53,600 --> 00:57:56,000
Speaker 3: And that's not to say that which is why I'm

1164
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:58,600
Speaker 3: telling my story to you. Thank you for asking me

1165
00:57:58,720 --> 00:58:02,080
Speaker 3: to tell this story. Is because I want people to

1166
00:58:02,200 --> 00:58:05,959
Speaker 3: know that there's real harm here and.

1167
00:58:05,920 --> 00:58:07,320
Speaker 2: So don't be like me.

1168
00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:09,680
Speaker 3: And if you know, whether it's with Nicole or if

1169
00:58:09,720 --> 00:58:12,400
Speaker 3: it's with someone where you feel like you're giving your

1170
00:58:12,440 --> 00:58:15,920
Speaker 3: power over to someone else, you know in a relationship,

1171
00:58:16,440 --> 00:58:19,160
Speaker 3: that my story that that may be a window for

1172
00:58:19,240 --> 00:58:21,400
Speaker 3: you to see that there's another way, that there's a

1173
00:58:21,440 --> 00:58:24,360
Speaker 3: way to free yourself and to take your power back,

1174
00:58:24,840 --> 00:58:27,080
Speaker 3: because you know, I would have never been free in

1175
00:58:27,160 --> 00:58:29,240
Speaker 3: relationship and in serving Nicole.

1176
00:58:29,680 --> 00:58:32,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, that was not a dynamic for my you know, liberation.

1177
00:58:33,440 --> 00:58:36,600
Speaker 1: Right, It sounds like it was really important for both

1178
00:58:36,640 --> 00:58:40,960
Speaker 1: you and Bill to have your own separate spiritual practice

1179
00:58:41,400 --> 00:58:44,640
Speaker 1: that you could eventually come back to to like reconnect

1180
00:58:44,640 --> 00:58:47,760
Speaker 1: with yourself and your own needs. I think that's something

1181
00:58:47,800 --> 00:58:51,680
Speaker 1: that's really important for people to have a practice outside

1182
00:58:51,720 --> 00:58:54,760
Speaker 1: of the person, Like have something else that you do

1183
00:58:54,800 --> 00:58:57,400
Speaker 1: that enables you to like get in touch with how

1184
00:58:57,440 --> 00:59:00,200
Speaker 1: you're feeling and what you need that has nothing to

1185
00:59:00,240 --> 00:59:02,160
Speaker 1: do with the Nicole in your life, you.

1186
00:59:02,160 --> 00:59:05,040
Speaker 2: Know, absolutely absolutely so.

1187
00:59:05,120 --> 00:59:08,400
Speaker 1: Now Nicole since then, I mean, she's gotten so good

1188
00:59:08,400 --> 00:59:12,200
Speaker 1: at marketing herself. She's done a TEDx talk. Gwyneth Paltrow

1189
00:59:12,280 --> 00:59:16,480
Speaker 1: gushed about One Taste on Goop. Chloe Kardashian recommended her

1190
00:59:16,520 --> 00:59:20,880
Speaker 1: book on her website, like it's become this thing now

1191
00:59:21,000 --> 00:59:23,840
Speaker 1: they're trying to get more mainstream, and it's so expensive.

1192
00:59:24,280 --> 00:59:26,800
Speaker 1: The Bloomberg article, there's a big Bloomberg article about it,

1193
00:59:26,840 --> 00:59:29,160
Speaker 1: said that, I mean there's so much information in that

1194
00:59:29,240 --> 00:59:32,640
Speaker 1: article about how abusive this group was, and not just Nicole,

1195
00:59:32,680 --> 00:59:35,240
Speaker 1: another woman as well, but said that it's four thousand

1196
00:59:35,280 --> 00:59:38,040
Speaker 1: dollars for a weekend retreat, twelve thousand dollars for a

1197
00:59:38,080 --> 00:59:41,160
Speaker 1: coaching program, sixteen thousand dollars for an intensive and there's

1198
00:59:41,160 --> 00:59:45,360
Speaker 1: a year long membership that's sixty thousand dollars and one

1199
00:59:45,400 --> 00:59:47,960
Speaker 1: woman and her husband left having spent one hundred and

1200
00:59:48,040 --> 00:59:52,000
Speaker 1: fifty thousand dollars on one taste classes. Like people just

1201
00:59:52,160 --> 00:59:55,360
Speaker 1: totally financially ruining their lives. They talk about how they

1202
00:59:55,440 --> 00:59:59,080
Speaker 1: just lost their connection with the idea of money, Like

1203
00:59:59,200 --> 01:00:01,320
Speaker 1: she got them to a place where money was meetingless

1204
01:00:01,320 --> 01:00:03,160
Speaker 1: to them and debt was meetingless to them. And that's

1205
01:00:03,200 --> 01:00:06,160
Speaker 1: on top of all of the sexual practices where people

1206
01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:09,320
Speaker 1: are being directed to have sex with people and coerced

1207
01:00:09,360 --> 01:00:12,640
Speaker 1: into situations they don't want to be in. How for

1208
01:00:12,760 --> 01:00:17,760
Speaker 1: you watching this thing grow and become this bigger thing

1209
01:00:17,840 --> 01:00:20,680
Speaker 1: where Nicole has, you know, gained more followers and gotten

1210
01:00:20,720 --> 01:00:22,440
Speaker 1: more power and got more money, Like, how has that

1211
01:00:22,480 --> 01:00:24,000
Speaker 1: experience been for you watching that?

1212
01:00:25,400 --> 01:00:28,240
Speaker 3: Well, I can't say that I have been watching really closely.

1213
01:00:29,000 --> 01:00:32,520
Speaker 3: I'd say I was probably ignoring it until I got

1214
01:00:32,520 --> 01:00:35,200
Speaker 3: to the place where I have at least forgiven.

1215
01:00:34,880 --> 01:00:37,520
Speaker 2: Myself, you know, for the self betrayal.

1216
01:00:38,880 --> 01:00:42,439
Speaker 3: I had started writing my story back in like two

1217
01:00:42,440 --> 01:00:45,760
Speaker 3: thousand and five, and so there was some regret that

1218
01:00:45,840 --> 01:00:48,080
Speaker 3: came up. It's like, oh, if I'd written my story

1219
01:00:48,120 --> 01:00:50,160
Speaker 3: and I'd gotten my story out there, could that have

1220
01:00:50,240 --> 01:00:53,360
Speaker 3: averted something? Because my story It was always with the

1221
01:00:53,400 --> 01:00:56,280
Speaker 3: intention of as like a warning, like, let my story

1222
01:00:56,320 --> 01:00:57,480
Speaker 3: be a warning for you.

1223
01:00:57,480 --> 01:01:00,680
Speaker 2: You know, I'm not interested in destroying the you know,

1224
01:01:01,880 --> 01:01:04,360
Speaker 2: that's her business. She'll do that herself.

1225
01:01:04,480 --> 01:01:04,720
Speaker 3: You know.

1226
01:01:04,760 --> 01:01:09,160
Speaker 2: It's all yeah, so, but it's more of a warning.

1227
01:01:09,360 --> 01:01:12,680
Speaker 3: And it's interesting because when my son was I think

1228
01:01:12,760 --> 01:01:15,360
Speaker 3: less than a year, there was an article in the

1229
01:01:15,360 --> 01:01:19,120
Speaker 3: New York Times and this reporter came to our flat

1230
01:01:19,120 --> 01:01:21,520
Speaker 3: that we used to live in Berkeley and interviewed Bill

1231
01:01:21,560 --> 01:01:24,160
Speaker 3: and I and we were completely misquoted in the New

1232
01:01:24,240 --> 01:01:27,760
Speaker 3: York Times article about the reason why we left. It

1233
01:01:27,800 --> 01:01:31,280
Speaker 3: was a mostly positive article about one taste, and we

1234
01:01:31,360 --> 01:01:33,280
Speaker 3: had to write a letter that was published, you know,

1235
01:01:33,320 --> 01:01:36,720
Speaker 3: the following week, which of course nobody, nobody reads with

1236
01:01:36,840 --> 01:01:37,400
Speaker 3: the correction.

1237
01:01:37,960 --> 01:01:41,400
Speaker 2: So you know, Nicole is a master seductress.

1238
01:01:41,480 --> 01:01:43,880
Speaker 3: So I could see that with the New York Times

1239
01:01:43,920 --> 01:01:47,000
Speaker 3: reporter and just on and on. So as she she

1240
01:01:47,040 --> 01:01:50,120
Speaker 3: got bigger, you know, I think now because of the

1241
01:01:50,160 --> 01:01:53,480
Speaker 3: Bloomberg article, there was an FBI investigation.

1242
01:01:53,840 --> 01:01:55,600
Speaker 2: I don't know what happened with that.

1243
01:01:55,800 --> 01:01:58,400
Speaker 3: I know Nicole did leave the country for a while

1244
01:01:58,600 --> 01:02:02,760
Speaker 3: and supposedly was entail. There were some a couple of

1245
01:02:02,840 --> 01:02:06,120
Speaker 3: lawsuits that were settled, and yet I think that they

1246
01:02:06,160 --> 01:02:08,680
Speaker 3: were still had made like twelve million dollars or something

1247
01:02:08,760 --> 01:02:11,640
Speaker 3: like that, you know, as a company. So that's not

1248
01:02:11,800 --> 01:02:15,000
Speaker 3: like a small thing. And yet you know it's it's

1249
01:02:15,040 --> 01:02:17,640
Speaker 3: a cult. And I know, and I think I mentioned

1250
01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:20,440
Speaker 3: this to you, Lola, that there is a documentary in

1251
01:02:20,480 --> 01:02:25,320
Speaker 3: the works. There are people, you know, in the entertainment

1252
01:02:25,360 --> 01:02:28,040
Speaker 3: industry who have been burned. Like you said, by the way,

1253
01:02:28,120 --> 01:02:29,840
Speaker 3: I want to put in, I did get my money

1254
01:02:29,880 --> 01:02:30,600
Speaker 3: back from Nicole.

1255
01:02:30,960 --> 01:02:34,640
Speaker 2: That's when they were returning money, the fifty thousand dollars back.

1256
01:02:35,080 --> 01:02:37,200
Speaker 3: Which was part of the healing. It was like, no,

1257
01:02:37,480 --> 01:02:39,680
Speaker 3: you know, this is what I paid for. This is

1258
01:02:39,680 --> 01:02:42,840
Speaker 3: not what I got, you know, money back. But they

1259
01:02:43,000 --> 01:02:46,040
Speaker 3: really got much slicker and what I understand, she learned

1260
01:02:46,040 --> 01:02:49,240
Speaker 3: a lot about what not to do from Bill and

1261
01:02:49,280 --> 01:02:50,160
Speaker 3: I leaving to.

1262
01:02:50,360 --> 01:02:51,520
Speaker 2: Just cover her ass more.

1263
01:02:51,720 --> 01:02:55,040
Speaker 3: Even though you know stories of when there was a

1264
01:02:55,120 --> 01:02:57,440
Speaker 3: barracks and they were all living in bunk beds and

1265
01:02:57,480 --> 01:03:00,920
Speaker 3: bunk rooms. There was a like a dormitory that a

1266
01:03:00,960 --> 01:03:03,200
Speaker 3: bunch of the people involved with One Taste lived in

1267
01:03:03,440 --> 01:03:06,000
Speaker 3: South of Market and Nicole would wake.

1268
01:03:05,880 --> 01:03:08,240
Speaker 2: Up in the morning with her lieutenants. I think she

1269
01:03:08,360 --> 01:03:08,840
Speaker 2: called them.

1270
01:03:08,960 --> 01:03:10,600
Speaker 3: When I was around, she called it her seconds, but

1271
01:03:10,640 --> 01:03:13,040
Speaker 3: now she was calling you know, making more militaristic or something.

1272
01:03:13,120 --> 01:03:15,000
Speaker 3: They would sit on her bed and she would tell

1273
01:03:15,040 --> 01:03:17,880
Speaker 3: them who she wanted sleeping with who and what beds.

1274
01:03:17,960 --> 01:03:18,240
Speaker 2: Wow.

1275
01:03:18,640 --> 01:03:22,800
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean yeah, it got really super super creepy.

1276
01:03:22,920 --> 01:03:23,960
Speaker 2: Even worse.

1277
01:03:24,360 --> 01:03:28,240
Speaker 1: Apparently. I read some statements about how they've changed their practices,

1278
01:03:28,400 --> 01:03:31,280
Speaker 1: and one woman left and was like, I have to resign.

1279
01:03:31,360 --> 01:03:34,160
Speaker 1: I realized my behavior was maybe not up to par whatever,

1280
01:03:35,240 --> 01:03:38,640
Speaker 1: but clearly it's just like putting the sketchy stuff, like

1281
01:03:38,720 --> 01:03:40,760
Speaker 1: hiding it better, is what it seems like to me.

1282
01:03:41,520 --> 01:03:45,040
Speaker 1: I also think it's a really interesting lesson in the

1283
01:03:45,160 --> 01:03:48,840
Speaker 1: idea that not only men are occult leaders. We have

1284
01:03:48,960 --> 01:03:52,360
Speaker 1: this really strong perception because the most famous ones have been.

1285
01:03:53,040 --> 01:03:56,479
Speaker 1: But she's doing all the same things. I mean, she's

1286
01:03:56,680 --> 01:04:00,240
Speaker 1: abusing sexual behaviors, she's getting drunk on her power, she's

1287
01:04:00,240 --> 01:04:04,160
Speaker 1: abusing people financially or at least this is my opinion,

1288
01:04:04,200 --> 01:04:09,480
Speaker 1: that she's doing those things. Okay a legedly, yeah, exactly

1289
01:04:09,560 --> 01:04:11,520
Speaker 1: the same way that all these male cult leaders do it.

1290
01:04:11,560 --> 01:04:14,800
Speaker 1: I mean, anybody can become that kind of figure, and

1291
01:04:14,840 --> 01:04:17,760
Speaker 1: I think that's important too, because you know, I don't

1292
01:04:17,800 --> 01:04:21,760
Speaker 1: know women trust women more. Yeah, sometimes exactly exactly.

1293
01:04:21,880 --> 01:04:24,400
Speaker 2: Well, you know, as I went through why is this

1294
01:04:24,480 --> 01:04:24,960
Speaker 2: a cult?

1295
01:04:25,440 --> 01:04:29,600
Speaker 3: Nicole was the unequivocal, charismatic leader who established herself as

1296
01:04:29,640 --> 01:04:34,600
Speaker 3: the single source of truths full stop. Nicole's followers, including

1297
01:04:34,600 --> 01:04:38,320
Speaker 3: myself for those ten months, followed her with zeal. There

1298
01:04:38,400 --> 01:04:43,160
Speaker 3: was no tolerance for questioning Nicole's authority or for critical inquiry,

1299
01:04:43,280 --> 01:04:48,360
Speaker 3: and dissent was prohibited. Followers who left were harshly judged

1300
01:04:48,480 --> 01:04:52,880
Speaker 3: and considered less sand a strong us versus them mentality

1301
01:04:52,920 --> 01:04:58,000
Speaker 3: that in out was cultivated, and ohming was used and

1302
01:04:58,120 --> 01:05:01,960
Speaker 3: prescribed as a mind altered practice to suppress.

1303
01:05:01,640 --> 01:05:03,120
Speaker 2: Doubt and keep members in tow.

1304
01:05:05,040 --> 01:05:08,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, all followers centered Nicole's desires, and we're expected to

1305
01:05:08,400 --> 01:05:11,080
Speaker 3: devote time, energy, and money to fulfill them, and a

1306
01:05:11,120 --> 01:05:14,120
Speaker 3: focus on getting new members to join was prevalent. The

1307
01:05:14,120 --> 01:05:17,400
Speaker 3: message Nicole sold this liberation but an actuality what you

1308
01:05:17,480 --> 01:05:18,560
Speaker 3: received with bondage.

1309
01:05:18,880 --> 01:05:23,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's an excellent description. Yeah, wow, Yeah.

1310
01:05:23,280 --> 01:05:25,760
Speaker 4: What a story, my god.

1311
01:05:26,080 --> 01:05:28,640
Speaker 3: What I also want to tell all those many many

1312
01:05:28,680 --> 01:05:31,240
Speaker 3: people who hopefully will be listening to this once we're

1313
01:05:31,280 --> 01:05:33,400
Speaker 3: out on the other side of the pandemic.

1314
01:05:34,120 --> 01:05:37,760
Speaker 6: I imagine there will be a big push to research

1315
01:05:38,040 --> 01:05:41,760
Speaker 6: and you have a second like a resurrection of one taste,

1316
01:05:41,760 --> 01:05:45,440
Speaker 6: and so everyone be really aware and wary.

1317
01:05:45,560 --> 01:05:48,000
Speaker 2: And if you hear about it, your friends are talking.

1318
01:05:47,760 --> 01:05:50,720
Speaker 1: About slow down watching her ted talk. The one thing

1319
01:05:50,720 --> 01:05:53,480
Speaker 1: that struck me is that she did the classic thing,

1320
01:05:53,480 --> 01:05:56,240
Speaker 1: which is you take something that's like basically true, which

1321
01:05:56,240 --> 01:05:59,760
Speaker 1: is that orgasm is good for you and being connected

1322
01:05:59,800 --> 01:06:03,120
Speaker 1: to their people is something that's good for you, and

1323
01:06:03,320 --> 01:06:06,920
Speaker 1: sort of turning it into the solution for all problems

1324
01:06:07,520 --> 01:06:10,280
Speaker 1: as opposed to just yes, it's good for you. Nicole

1325
01:06:10,400 --> 01:06:11,160
Speaker 1: is not the answer.

1326
01:06:11,560 --> 01:06:14,720
Speaker 5: That's all that cannot be the title of this episode,

1327
01:06:14,800 --> 01:06:16,160
Speaker 5: Nicole is not the answer.

1328
01:06:19,000 --> 01:06:21,120
Speaker 4: So are you? Are you a therapist? Now you seem

1329
01:06:21,240 --> 01:06:21,960
Speaker 4: like a healer.

1330
01:06:22,160 --> 01:06:23,880
Speaker 2: What are you a priestess?

1331
01:06:24,160 --> 01:06:24,400
Speaker 6: Yeah?

1332
01:06:25,320 --> 01:06:28,240
Speaker 2: Healer, but you know, not not in the talk therapy.

1333
01:06:27,840 --> 01:06:31,600
Speaker 3: Way, but more in the healing using archetypal energies I

1334
01:06:31,720 --> 01:06:35,160
Speaker 3: practice cultivating, you know, really having people free themselves.

1335
01:06:35,400 --> 01:06:38,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, you know, loving ourselves exactly as we are.

1336
01:06:38,720 --> 01:06:42,520
Speaker 5: And is owning or is masturbation or sexuality a big

1337
01:06:42,560 --> 01:06:44,520
Speaker 5: piece of what you think can heal?

1338
01:06:44,880 --> 01:06:47,480
Speaker 4: Or is that just a small it's.

1339
01:06:47,320 --> 01:06:51,520
Speaker 3: Not it's not at all a focus, but just enjoying

1340
01:06:51,560 --> 01:06:54,840
Speaker 3: our body, enjoying the senses, opening the senses, enjoying the

1341
01:06:54,880 --> 01:06:59,280
Speaker 3: smells that come our way, and certainly having you know,

1342
01:06:59,360 --> 01:07:02,919
Speaker 3: self love practices and love practices with a partner, if

1343
01:07:03,160 --> 01:07:05,480
Speaker 3: you know, we're so fortunate to have a partner. But

1344
01:07:05,560 --> 01:07:08,440
Speaker 3: that's all part of waking up and making love to

1345
01:07:09,080 --> 01:07:12,600
Speaker 3: the morning, you know, to the hunting bird.

1346
01:07:12,480 --> 01:07:16,320
Speaker 2: That's outide, to my cup of tea.

1347
01:07:15,680 --> 01:07:21,320
Speaker 10: That I yeah, oh that's beautiful. I'm so happy that

1348
01:07:21,400 --> 01:07:24,240
Speaker 10: you got out and aren't able to share the story

1349
01:07:24,280 --> 01:07:26,760
Speaker 10: so eloquently, and it's just beautiful.

1350
01:07:26,880 --> 01:07:29,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you, yeah, thank you for sharing with us.

1351
01:07:29,840 --> 01:07:32,000
Speaker 1: Is there anything you'd like to promote or shout out

1352
01:07:32,080 --> 01:07:32,560
Speaker 1: or mention?

1353
01:07:32,960 --> 01:07:35,120
Speaker 3: What I'd love to promote is for all of us

1354
01:07:35,200 --> 01:07:38,800
Speaker 3: to just trust ourselves more, to take the time like

1355
01:07:38,920 --> 01:07:41,880
Speaker 3: it's worth it, to slow down. If something feels off,

1356
01:07:42,520 --> 01:07:45,120
Speaker 3: it is off. Our bodies don't lie to us. So

1357
01:07:45,320 --> 01:07:49,120
Speaker 3: take the time, take your space, find a place that

1358
01:07:49,240 --> 01:07:51,400
Speaker 3: you know that you can connect more deeply, whether that's

1359
01:07:51,440 --> 01:07:54,080
Speaker 3: in nature, whether that's in the bathtub, whether wherever that

1360
01:07:54,200 --> 01:07:57,440
Speaker 3: is in your bed, that you can really listen to

1361
01:07:57,520 --> 01:07:59,960
Speaker 3: your heart, and listen to your body, and listen.

1362
01:07:59,720 --> 01:08:02,720
Speaker 2: To your soul voice. Take the guidance from there.

1363
01:08:03,480 --> 01:08:04,000
Speaker 4: I love it.

1364
01:08:04,240 --> 01:08:07,280
Speaker 1: Love that. Ooh wow, well, thank you so much.

1365
01:08:07,360 --> 01:08:09,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you so much.

1366
01:08:09,840 --> 01:08:12,600
Speaker 1: Oh man, She's so cool. I really like her.

1367
01:08:13,000 --> 01:08:15,640
Speaker 4: I literally want to be her. She is so cool.

1368
01:08:15,800 --> 01:08:19,720
Speaker 1: Here's the question, Megan. Yes, if you were obviously not

1369
01:08:19,840 --> 01:08:21,840
Speaker 1: knowing everything that you know, but if you were just

1370
01:08:21,880 --> 01:08:24,679
Speaker 1: like in Elana's position, or being exposed to a later

1371
01:08:24,760 --> 01:08:26,439
Speaker 1: version of One Taste, do you think that you would

1372
01:08:26,479 --> 01:08:27,360
Speaker 1: join One Taste.

1373
01:08:27,479 --> 01:08:30,200
Speaker 5: I could see myself getting sucked into One Taste for sure.

1374
01:08:30,439 --> 01:08:33,679
Speaker 5: It has a lot of Nexium similarities to me, which

1375
01:08:33,720 --> 01:08:38,280
Speaker 5: are that like pushing yourself past blocks, you know, kind

1376
01:08:38,320 --> 01:08:42,360
Speaker 5: of self punishing shit that you and I both admit

1377
01:08:42,479 --> 01:08:44,000
Speaker 5: we could get really sucked into.

1378
01:08:44,400 --> 01:08:44,799
Speaker 4: Totally.

1379
01:08:44,960 --> 01:08:50,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I would definitely go to one. I

1380
01:08:50,120 --> 01:08:52,640
Speaker 1: don't know that I would keep going, but I'm the

1381
01:08:52,720 --> 01:08:55,720
Speaker 1: kind of person who will go to weird shit just

1382
01:08:55,800 --> 01:08:59,200
Speaker 1: for the experience, you know. I went to Sanctum and

1383
01:08:59,280 --> 01:09:01,800
Speaker 1: I've worked at sex parties, not doing anything sexual, but

1384
01:09:01,840 --> 01:09:05,439
Speaker 1: still I'm interested in like going to all the things

1385
01:09:05,439 --> 01:09:08,040
Speaker 1: and seeing what's out there, if only for the story,

1386
01:09:08,080 --> 01:09:09,960
Speaker 1: you know. I just I'm all about the story. Man

1387
01:09:10,120 --> 01:09:10,759
Speaker 1: fucking love.

1388
01:09:10,640 --> 01:09:11,559
Speaker 4: The straight that's right.

1389
01:09:11,960 --> 01:09:14,800
Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean I remember that you were like, we

1390
01:09:14,840 --> 01:09:17,120
Speaker 5: should go do this, and I was like, oh wow, okay,

1391
01:09:17,520 --> 01:09:19,120
Speaker 5: so I think you really would have gone.

1392
01:09:19,200 --> 01:09:21,040
Speaker 4: But they have shut those down for.

1393
01:09:21,360 --> 01:09:24,240
Speaker 1: Group Yeah, the groups are no longer happening. So now

1394
01:09:24,680 --> 01:09:26,400
Speaker 1: maybe I'll make a man do it to me one

1395
01:09:26,439 --> 01:09:29,080
Speaker 1: time and see what we think. I'm not going to

1396
01:09:29,160 --> 01:09:29,400
Speaker 1: do that.

1397
01:09:29,960 --> 01:09:32,200
Speaker 4: Oh okay, I was on board for you to try

1398
01:09:32,240 --> 01:09:32,559
Speaker 4: it out.

1399
01:09:33,880 --> 01:09:36,679
Speaker 1: Who knows, maybe the upper left quadrant of my clid

1400
01:09:36,800 --> 01:09:38,679
Speaker 1: is the secret that I never know exactly.

1401
01:09:38,840 --> 01:09:42,400
Speaker 5: This is really inspired learning, actually, I mean yeah, I

1402
01:09:42,640 --> 01:09:45,680
Speaker 5: could see myself going. I wish that wasn't true, but

1403
01:09:45,960 --> 01:09:46,760
Speaker 5: it probably is.

1404
01:09:47,040 --> 01:09:48,880
Speaker 1: Well, fortunately now we know.

1405
01:09:49,120 --> 01:09:51,960
Speaker 4: Now we know, we know not to ever go.

1406
01:09:51,880 --> 01:09:54,479
Speaker 1: If they ever bring the group thing back. So I

1407
01:09:54,479 --> 01:09:56,320
Speaker 1: would love to have another one taste guest on. I

1408
01:09:56,360 --> 01:09:58,439
Speaker 1: would love to see what the experience is like for

1409
01:09:58,479 --> 01:10:01,280
Speaker 1: someone more in the later years. In addition into Ilana's

1410
01:10:01,920 --> 01:10:04,559
Speaker 1: amazing story from the beginning years, what a group it

1411
01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:06,280
Speaker 1: does seem so next to me in so many ways.

1412
01:10:06,320 --> 01:10:09,200
Speaker 1: But anyway, that's all I have to say about that.

1413
01:10:09,360 --> 01:10:10,400
Speaker 4: Yeah, same I think.

1414
01:10:10,880 --> 01:10:14,040
Speaker 5: I think this week's guest taught us a lot, and

1415
01:10:14,560 --> 01:10:17,599
Speaker 5: I can't wait for us to learn even more next week.

1416
01:10:17,920 --> 01:10:22,639
Speaker 5: Until then, remember to follow your gut, watch out for red.

1417
01:10:22,560 --> 01:10:25,640
Speaker 1: Flags, and never ever trust me

1418
01:10:28,040 --> 01:10:28,240
Speaker 5: Yes