Speaker 1: I won't let my body out be outwell everything that
Speaker 1: I'm made do, won't spend my life trying to change.
Speaker 1: I'm learning to love who I am again. I'm strong,
Speaker 1: I feel free, I know who every part of me.
Speaker 1: It's beautiful and then will always out way if you
Speaker 1: feel it with yours and there she'll love to the boot. There,
Speaker 1: let's say good day and did you and die out?
Speaker 1: Happy Saturday. Outweigh fam Amy here and what you're gonna
Speaker 1: hear in today's episode is some personal eating disorder stories
Speaker 1: simply so that you know that you are not alone. Now,
Speaker 1: we're throwing it back to some stories that were shared
Speaker 1: with us a long time ago from Andrea Lurley and Rachel.
Speaker 1: But what we want to do by sharing these stories
Speaker 1: and bringing them back to the surface for y'all to
Speaker 1: hear again and so that well, first of all, you
Speaker 1: don't feel alone and that you know that there's hope
Speaker 1: because these women are in recovery. But we want to
Speaker 1: invite you at this point to email us Hello Outweigh
Speaker 1: podcast dot com if you have a personal story that
Speaker 1: you would like to read in an upcoming episode. We've
Speaker 1: realized that simply hearing from others and knowing what they've
Speaker 1: been through and what it looks like on the other
Speaker 1: side can be very encouraging for you guys. So again,
Speaker 1: in this episode, you're gonna be hearing first from Andrea,
Speaker 1: and then you'll hear from Laura Lee and then from Rachel.
Speaker 1: But I want you to take in their stories see
Speaker 1: if anything resonates with you, and again, just know that
Speaker 1: you're not alone. And if you feel lad, then send
Speaker 1: us an email and share your story with us and
Speaker 1: we'll get back to you and who knows, maybe you'll
Speaker 1: be on an upcoming episode. Again, the email is hello
Speaker 1: at Outweigh podcast dot com And now we'll get into
Speaker 1: the personal stories. Here you go. Hi, my name is
Speaker 1: Andrea and I am so honored that Amy has asked
Speaker 1: me to be a part of this and I hope
Speaker 1: that my story will help you guys. My story starts
Speaker 1: when I was around seven. That's when I started to
Speaker 1: hate my body. Seven years old. No one, but especially
Speaker 1: as seven year old, should focus on their body size.
Speaker 1: I grew up hearing adults tell me how much bigger
Speaker 1: I was than my mom, how I must be shaped
Speaker 1: like my dad, and to me, at seven, my dad
Speaker 1: looked huge. I didn't really want to be compared to
Speaker 1: this giant man with a mustache. I wanted to be
Speaker 1: compared to my little, pretty tiny mom, and I started
Speaker 1: to feel embarrassed about my size. From then on, I
Speaker 1: had anxiety over my size. I would hear comments about
Speaker 1: how much I was eating. I was embarrassed to wear
Speaker 1: middrift bearing dance recital costumes. I remember on multiple occasions
Speaker 1: just crying and crying over how I looked. I would
Speaker 1: cry looking at myself in the mirror wearing these dance costumes.
Speaker 1: Every year. I would hate putting on my recital costumes.
Speaker 1: I hate the way I looked in them. I didn't
Speaker 1: want to be in front of people in this costume.
Speaker 1: I didn't want people to see me in it, and
Speaker 1: I definitely didn't want to stand next to the other girls.
Speaker 1: I felt like I looked horrible and I just was
Speaker 1: so uncomfortable with who I was. This went on until
Speaker 1: around fifteen. That's when I turned not only just hating
Speaker 1: my body, but I also turned it into depriving myself
Speaker 1: of food. I would compare myself to models, actresses, girls
Speaker 1: that took dance class. With any girl that crossed my path,
Speaker 1: I would compare myself to them, and I always felt
Speaker 1: that I fell very short to every single girl dealing
Speaker 1: with other normal teenage drama. I took control by starving myself.
Speaker 1: I noticed I actually got attention. The skinnier I got,
Speaker 1: I became addicted to that attention. I noticed the thinner
Speaker 1: I got, the more attention I got, and that truly
Speaker 1: breaks my heart now thinking about it. I would deprive myself,
Speaker 1: weigh myself obsessively, and body checked myself every single time
Speaker 1: I passed the certain mirror and my bathroom. I missed
Speaker 1: out on fun, carefree teenage years that even flew into college.
Speaker 1: Times that I should be having just fun with my
Speaker 1: friends and just enjoying being young and stress free. They
Speaker 1: were taken away because I was too consumed with outward appearances.
Speaker 1: Times when your child, or a teenager, or even in college,
Speaker 1: you shouldn't be focused on outward appearances or getting approval
Speaker 1: from other people. You shouldn't be stressed or worried or
Speaker 1: feeling less than You should really never feel like that anyways,
Speaker 1: at any age, but especially as a child. And I
Speaker 1: feel like that eating disorder took a lot of really
Speaker 1: fun care for years away from me. It really shouldn't
Speaker 1: be a thought in any person's mind, but especially as
Speaker 1: a child and a teenager. I missed out and enjoying
Speaker 1: my youth because I was too focused on unimportant things
Speaker 1: and I missed out on so many opportunities. And I
Speaker 1: didn't focus on my dreams or my passions because I
Speaker 1: was too focused on outward appearances. The sad truth is
Speaker 1: it was never enough. I was chasing something that I
Speaker 1: would never achieve. It's a really dark and lonely feeling,
Speaker 1: and it's exhausting never giving yourself a break or feeding
Speaker 1: yourself positive words. It's a vicious cycle of never being enough.
Speaker 1: I focused on the wrong things for so long, and
Speaker 1: it took me a really long time to get out
Speaker 1: of my own head. Many years. Actually, I still feel
Speaker 1: like I'm recovering and giving myself permission to give myself
Speaker 1: compliments and take credit for things that I deserve. It
Speaker 1: took a long long time, but I realized I am
Speaker 1: absolutely different from every other person out there, and that's
Speaker 1: what makes me beautiful. You being your truest, most authentic
Speaker 1: self makes you most beautiful. When you find and follow
Speaker 1: your dreams and put yourself out there, that's what makes
Speaker 1: you feel beautiful when you empower yourself and others. When
Speaker 1: you put that time and effort into what a nights
Speaker 1: your fire, you don't have time to pick yourself apart
Speaker 1: and focus on the outward appearances. It shuts off the
Speaker 1: noise inside your head because you're too focused on bigger,
Speaker 1: more important things. You have to empower yourself to find
Speaker 1: something bigger than that noise and to silence that noise
Speaker 1: is so rewarding. Once you realize you can live without
Speaker 1: that constant badger inside your head of never being good enough,
Speaker 1: or being so mad at yourself for eating, or never
Speaker 1: look going to look a certain way, you will never
Speaker 1: want that noise to take up any more of your time.
Speaker 1: You want to help others and never let them waste
Speaker 1: another second of being unhappy with themselves. You'll start to
Speaker 1: notice that when you encourage and inspire others, and when
Speaker 1: you share your true gifts, that's what's really going to
Speaker 1: make you feel beautiful and feel good and actually feel important.
Speaker 1: Sharing your light will light up others, and that's what's
Speaker 1: more important than any implement or approval from anybody else.
Speaker 1: The key to get approval is get approval from yourself
Speaker 1: and that's where you can truly move forward. Except yourself
Speaker 1: for everything that you are, and own it and love it.
Speaker 1: Here's the letter to myself. Dear sixteen year old Andrea,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry for taking away your youth. I'm sorry for
Speaker 1: never stopping and realizing what an amazing person you were.
Speaker 1: Not only were you kind, thoughtful, and sweet, but you
Speaker 1: were beautiful. Everything you wanted to be you were, and
Speaker 1: you never gave yourself credit for that. If I could
Speaker 1: change one thing, I wouldn't remind myself that it's not
Speaker 1: all about looks. It's about how you make people feel,
Speaker 1: and that's what really counts. But giving yourself kind words
Speaker 1: is never a bad thing. I can see clearly now
Speaker 1: that you just needed a reminder that there is not
Speaker 1: one standard of beauty. Being yourself and being confident in
Speaker 1: who you are and your unique qualities is what's going
Speaker 1: to get you far in life. Own them, be proud
Speaker 1: and happy of yourself, and find and follow your passions.
Speaker 1: That's where you'll find your purpose. My younger self would
Speaker 1: be proud that my goal and passion in life is
Speaker 1: to help women see how beautiful and amazing they really are.
Speaker 1: I get to empower women and encourage them to love
Speaker 1: themselves daily. That's my job, and I'm so excited that
Speaker 1: I get to do that. I was strong and creageous
Speaker 1: enough to follow my dreams, speak my truth, and hopefully
Speaker 1: help others. My life trajectory up to the summer of
Speaker 1: two thousand and eight was centered around becoming a lawyer.
Speaker 1: That had always been my plan. I dutifully follow the
Speaker 1: English major program at the University of Virginia, and then
Speaker 1: I got a job as a paralegal in New York
Speaker 1: City after graduation. Three weeks in, I knew I would
Speaker 1: never be a lawyer. Whether it was that specific firm
Speaker 1: or the context of the financial atmosphere in two thousand
Speaker 1: and eight, I'll never know, But I know that I
Speaker 1: experienced a quarter life crisis of epic proportions before and
Speaker 1: I had a healthy relationship with food. I listened to
Speaker 1: my hunger cues eight till I was satisfied, mostly when
Speaker 1: I indulged. I didn't give the experience a second thought.
Speaker 1: I was present, enjoyed every bite, moved on. Here's the thing.
Speaker 1: I had also felt on top of the world my
Speaker 1: whole life. I was an a student president of thus
Speaker 1: and such and spoiled by a happy family that provided
Speaker 1: anything I could want. I felt completely in control of
Speaker 1: my life, sure that I could map out and accomplish
Speaker 1: whatever I chose. Yet standing on a street corner that
Speaker 1: first post college summer, tears streaming down my face, I
Speaker 1: felt zero control. So I found a way to get
Speaker 1: that feeling back. For me, disordered eating was never about looks.
Speaker 1: I was okay with my body, had never really fluctuated
Speaker 1: in my weight or given shape much thought. When I
Speaker 1: began to restrict food and work out excessively. My way
Speaker 1: low school wasn't physical. It was mental. I needed to
Speaker 1: accomplish something to see it checked off the list. I
Speaker 1: needed there to be something I could always manipulate. I
Speaker 1: created food rules, a self constructed guideline for right and
Speaker 1: wrong when it came to what I ate, how much,
Speaker 1: and when if I ordered to wrap, I tore off
Speaker 1: any piece that wasn't actually touching the filling. When I
Speaker 1: ate almond butter with my breakfast, I couldn't have it
Speaker 1: later in the day, but I could have peanut butter.
Speaker 1: Not one or three, but only two. Scrambled eggs were acceptable,
Speaker 1: And there were many others that I could no longer recall. Thankfully,
Speaker 1: none of it made sense, none of it was healthy.
Speaker 1: But following this imaginary protocol was calming and predictable. And
Speaker 1: when I didn't or couldn't follow it, after a few
Speaker 1: glasses of wine or out to dinner with a menu
Speaker 1: I couldn't modify, I felt anxious, guilty, mentally and physically heavy.
Speaker 1: The next day, I'd make sure to add a few
Speaker 1: extra minutes or bump up the speed on my treadmill.
Speaker 1: I'd leave a few more bites uneaten. Compensation was the
Speaker 1: quickest and most satisfying way to get back to status quo.
Speaker 1: The trickiest parts of my disordered eating were twofold. Firstly,
Speaker 1: I was eating. I wasn't skipping meals or even eating
Speaker 1: tiny portions all the time. I just wasn't eating enough.
Speaker 1: Friends didn't pick up on any problem, so it's easy
Speaker 1: for me to convince myself that all was well. Plus,
Speaker 1: I'd created a comfortable distance between me and the people
Speaker 1: who knew me best. Not only could I better filter
Speaker 1: my behavior that way, I didn't have to put myself
Speaker 1: in food compromising positions. As much as possible, I turned
Speaker 1: down invites to the movies, to ice cream, drinks after
Speaker 1: work or birthday dinners. Secondly, my world was a societal
Speaker 1: environment of validation. Living in Supermodel City, I received constant
Speaker 1: praise from my lean frame on a regular basis. The
Speaker 1: gratification I felt wasn't because they approved of my looks.
Speaker 1: It was because they were acknowledging the quote fruits of
Speaker 1: my labor. The fragile world I'd constructed could only last
Speaker 1: for so long. However, my best friend Francis invited me
Speaker 1: to her mountain house for a long weekend. I knew
Speaker 1: Francis was concerned, had picked up all my pain more
Speaker 1: than anyone else. Our second night, we grabbed ice cream
Speaker 1: in the local town and I said I was full,
Speaker 1: with one scoop remaining. Francis gently asked if I was okay,
Speaker 1: and I broke down. I called my parents and told
Speaker 1: them I needed help. I started to see a therapist
Speaker 1: who specialized in disordered eating, but it was cooking that
Speaker 1: truly healed me. I began to spend my free time
Speaker 1: selecting vibrant, fresh food from the Union Square farmers market,
Speaker 1: taking it home to play with in the kitchen. Quickly,
Speaker 1: my desire to control through restriction dissipated, as I found
Speaker 1: a way to serve myself and others from the inside out.
Speaker 1: By the time I graduated culinary school in two thousand
Speaker 1: and third, team I had developed a sustainable and respectful
Speaker 1: relationship with food. My world went from one centered around
Speaker 1: fear to one centered around hope. I rarely have moments
Speaker 1: where my old food rules worm their way into my
Speaker 1: current life, but when they arise, I don't let them
Speaker 1: guide my decisions, and this takes away their power. I
Speaker 1: eat the second helping grab Chick fil A or chocolate croissant,
Speaker 1: go of you days without veggies or slather on the butter,
Speaker 1: on everything in sight. I just do it anyway, and
Speaker 1: I see that the world doesn't implode. Life goes on,
Speaker 1: but not as usual. It's better. Dear Lorly, how I
Speaker 1: wish I could sit myself next to you twelve years ago,
Speaker 1: where you stared at a city landscape. It looked as
Speaker 1: bleak as your heart and your mind felt. If I could,
Speaker 1: I'd rub your twenty two year old back while telling
Speaker 1: you that you are powerful beyond measure, that you can
Speaker 1: exhale and let go, that there is no such thing
Speaker 1: as a finish line or having it all checked off
Speaker 1: the list that everything is beautifully an evolution and an
Speaker 1: ongoing journey. I'd remind you of what you've accomplished and
Speaker 1: share a glimpse of accomplishments to come, which have nothing
Speaker 1: to do with what you ate or didn't eat on
Speaker 1: any given morning. I would lean in, hold your face
Speaker 1: with my today hands and convince you that you don't
Speaker 1: have to accomplish to be perfect and to be that
Speaker 1: the feeling you're desperately seeking comes from simply resting and
Speaker 1: your enoughness. I'd offer this as I offer it to myself. Now,
Speaker 1: you are a beloved, divine miracle by virtue of just
Speaker 1: being you, and there's nothing you have to do to
Speaker 1: deserve it. Hey, I'm Rachel, and this is my story.
Speaker 1: My eating disorder slash disordered eating started in eleventh grade,
Speaker 1: right around the time I began taking Adderall, which was
Speaker 1: prescribed for my a d h D. For those who know,
Speaker 1: this kind of medication is known to suppress your appetite,
Speaker 1: and since I was barely eating, I was also quickly
Speaker 1: losing weight. Little did I know that this one thing
Speaker 1: was going to trigger something way bigger. Within a few months,
Speaker 1: I became completely obsessed with the way that I looked
Speaker 1: and what I was, or more like, wasn't putting into
Speaker 1: my body. I began completely restricting food. It started with
Speaker 1: the typically unhealthier bad ones, and then it began to
Speaker 1: spiral into a general fear of most foods. I was
Speaker 1: body checking, constantly grabbing the parts of my body I
Speaker 1: believe to be fat, staring in the mirror, repeating horrible
Speaker 1: things to myself, over exercising my body's limits, obsessively weighing
Speaker 1: myself sometimes up to five or six times a day,
Speaker 1: and constantly, I mean constantly thinking and obsessing over food
Speaker 1: and the way my body looked. Surprisingly, I actually never
Speaker 1: felt pressure from society, and a majority of these issues
Speaker 1: came from the pressure that I put on myself, as
Speaker 1: I'm an overachiever and perfectionist. On the days that I
Speaker 1: struggled so every day, I would feel physically, emotionally and
Speaker 1: mentally exhausted. I was irritable, weak, and always extremely frustrated.
Speaker 1: This deeply affected my relationships with my family, as I
Speaker 1: was always acting out with virtually no reason in their minds.
Speaker 1: I had so much trouble opening up and can barely
Speaker 1: speak about my emotions. Also, I think it's important to
Speaker 1: recognize that it wasn't even about the food at this point.
Speaker 1: It was just about control and the ability to control
Speaker 1: every situation in my life. I was so rigid and
Speaker 1: stuck in my ways that I could barely even go away,
Speaker 1: as a day off from the gym or out of
Speaker 1: my routine was absolutely not allowed in my mind. Ultimately,
Speaker 1: I knew I had to make a change when every
Speaker 1: day was just more miserable than the next, I hit
Speaker 1: a point so low that I basically isolated myself from
Speaker 1: everyone and was finding it really hard to find the
Speaker 1: joint things. I don't remember an exact moment that led
Speaker 1: me to seek help, but there was an overall desire
Speaker 1: to stop feeling so bad about myself. Once I began
Speaker 1: therapy and really started to talk about my issues, I
Speaker 1: noticed a huge shift in the way that I felt. Obviously,
Speaker 1: it takes work, and I'm still nowhere near one, but
Speaker 1: I do know that I'm feeling better each day. On
Speaker 1: the days that old thoughts and patterns do arise, I
Speaker 1: try to remind myself how miserable I felt then and
Speaker 1: how fulfilled I feel now. I try to vocalize the thoughts,
Speaker 1: as keeping them inside makes it worse for me. I
Speaker 1: also really focus on not shifting or changing anything about
Speaker 1: my current life, as I do not want to give
Speaker 1: into my old patterns or behaviors. Doing these things definitely
Speaker 1: help to alleviate the pressure, but it does not make
Speaker 1: them go away. Honestly, I would say that every day
Speaker 1: I choose to move forward through the pain and place
Speaker 1: one foot in front of the other. By leaving that
Speaker 1: life behind me, I've gained a newfound appreciation for food
Speaker 1: and my relationships. Like I said before, I'm nowhere near one,
Speaker 1: nor do I think i'll ever be, but I've gained
Speaker 1: a new perspective on things. I'm actually able to go
Speaker 1: out to eat with friends or family and really enjoy myself.
Speaker 1: I also have so much more energy and time to
Speaker 1: invest in things that really make me happy. Life now
Speaker 1: is fun and interesting, and I'm so excited to continue
Speaker 1: to grow. Dear younger Rachel, I am so sorry for
Speaker 1: all of the pain and suffering that I put you through.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry that I didn't recognize how deeply you were
Speaker 1: suffering and how desperately you just needed to talk about
Speaker 1: how you felt. I'm sorry for robbing you of the
Speaker 1: joint excitement from so many situations and for making you
Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable in your own skin. Honestly, though, I wouldn't
Speaker 1: change anything that you went through, because you're suffering has
Speaker 1: only made you a stronger person. I want you to
Speaker 1: remember how badly you felt then and how happy and
Speaker 1: free you feel now, and overall, I'm really proud of
Speaker 1: who you become.