WEBVTT - Personal ED Stories // You Are Not Alone

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<v Speaker 1>I won't let my body out be outwell everything that

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<v Speaker 1>I'm made do, won't spend my life trying to change.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm learning to love who I am again. I'm strong,

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<v Speaker 1>I feel free, I know who every part of me.

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<v Speaker 1>It's beautiful and then will always out way if you

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<v Speaker 1>feel it with yours and there she'll love to the boot. There,

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<v Speaker 1>let's say good day and did you and die out?

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<v Speaker 1>Happy Saturday. Outweigh fam Amy here and what you're gonna

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<v Speaker 1>hear in today's episode is some personal eating disorder stories

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<v Speaker 1>simply so that you know that you are not alone. Now,

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<v Speaker 1>we're throwing it back to some stories that were shared

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<v Speaker 1>with us a long time ago from Andrea Lurley and Rachel.

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<v Speaker 1>But what we want to do by sharing these stories

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<v Speaker 1>and bringing them back to the surface for y'all to

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<v Speaker 1>hear again and so that well, first of all, you

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<v Speaker 1>don't feel alone and that you know that there's hope

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<v Speaker 1>because these women are in recovery. But we want to

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<v Speaker 1>invite you at this point to email us Hello Outweigh

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<v Speaker 1>podcast dot com if you have a personal story that

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<v Speaker 1>you would like to read in an upcoming episode. We've

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<v Speaker 1>realized that simply hearing from others and knowing what they've

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<v Speaker 1>been through and what it looks like on the other

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<v Speaker 1>side can be very encouraging for you guys. So again,

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<v Speaker 1>in this episode, you're gonna be hearing first from Andrea,

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<v Speaker 1>and then you'll hear from Laura Lee and then from Rachel.

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<v Speaker 1>But I want you to take in their stories see

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<v Speaker 1>if anything resonates with you, and again, just know that

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<v Speaker 1>you're not alone. And if you feel lad, then send

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<v Speaker 1>us an email and share your story with us and

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<v Speaker 1>we'll get back to you and who knows, maybe you'll

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<v Speaker 1>be on an upcoming episode. Again, the email is hello

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<v Speaker 1>at Outweigh podcast dot com And now we'll get into

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<v Speaker 1>the personal stories. Here you go. Hi, my name is

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<v Speaker 1>Andrea and I am so honored that Amy has asked

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<v Speaker 1>me to be a part of this and I hope

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<v Speaker 1>that my story will help you guys. My story starts

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<v Speaker 1>when I was around seven. That's when I started to

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<v Speaker 1>hate my body. Seven years old. No one, but especially

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<v Speaker 1>as seven year old, should focus on their body size.

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<v Speaker 1>I grew up hearing adults tell me how much bigger

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<v Speaker 1>I was than my mom, how I must be shaped

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<v Speaker 1>like my dad, and to me, at seven, my dad

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<v Speaker 1>looked huge. I didn't really want to be compared to

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<v Speaker 1>this giant man with a mustache. I wanted to be

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<v Speaker 1>compared to my little, pretty tiny mom, and I started

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<v Speaker 1>to feel embarrassed about my size. From then on, I

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<v Speaker 1>had anxiety over my size. I would hear comments about

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<v Speaker 1>how much I was eating. I was embarrassed to wear

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<v Speaker 1>middrift bearing dance recital costumes. I remember on multiple occasions

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<v Speaker 1>just crying and crying over how I looked. I would

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<v Speaker 1>cry looking at myself in the mirror wearing these dance costumes.

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<v Speaker 1>Every year. I would hate putting on my recital costumes.

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<v Speaker 1>I hate the way I looked in them. I didn't

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<v Speaker 1>want to be in front of people in this costume.

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't want people to see me in it, and

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<v Speaker 1>I definitely didn't want to stand next to the other girls.

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<v Speaker 1>I felt like I looked horrible and I just was

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<v Speaker 1>so uncomfortable with who I was. This went on until

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<v Speaker 1>around fifteen. That's when I turned not only just hating

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<v Speaker 1>my body, but I also turned it into depriving myself

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<v Speaker 1>of food. I would compare myself to models, actresses, girls

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<v Speaker 1>that took dance class. With any girl that crossed my path,

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<v Speaker 1>I would compare myself to them, and I always felt

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<v Speaker 1>that I fell very short to every single girl dealing

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<v Speaker 1>with other normal teenage drama. I took control by starving myself.

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<v Speaker 1>I noticed I actually got attention. The skinnier I got,

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<v Speaker 1>I became addicted to that attention. I noticed the thinner

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<v Speaker 1>I got, the more attention I got, and that truly

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<v Speaker 1>breaks my heart now thinking about it. I would deprive myself,

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<v Speaker 1>weigh myself obsessively, and body checked myself every single time

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<v Speaker 1>I passed the certain mirror and my bathroom. I missed

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<v Speaker 1>out on fun, carefree teenage years that even flew into college.

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<v Speaker 1>Times that I should be having just fun with my

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<v Speaker 1>friends and just enjoying being young and stress free. They

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<v Speaker 1>were taken away because I was too consumed with outward appearances.

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<v Speaker 1>Times when your child, or a teenager, or even in college,

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<v Speaker 1>you shouldn't be focused on outward appearances or getting approval

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<v Speaker 1>from other people. You shouldn't be stressed or worried or

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<v Speaker 1>feeling less than You should really never feel like that anyways,

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<v Speaker 1>at any age, but especially as a child. And I

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<v Speaker 1>feel like that eating disorder took a lot of really

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<v Speaker 1>fun care for years away from me. It really shouldn't

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<v Speaker 1>be a thought in any person's mind, but especially as

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<v Speaker 1>a child and a teenager. I missed out and enjoying

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<v Speaker 1>my youth because I was too focused on unimportant things

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<v Speaker 1>and I missed out on so many opportunities. And I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't focus on my dreams or my passions because I

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<v Speaker 1>was too focused on outward appearances. The sad truth is

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<v Speaker 1>it was never enough. I was chasing something that I

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<v Speaker 1>would never achieve. It's a really dark and lonely feeling,

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<v Speaker 1>and it's exhausting never giving yourself a break or feeding

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<v Speaker 1>yourself positive words. It's a vicious cycle of never being enough.

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<v Speaker 1>I focused on the wrong things for so long, and

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<v Speaker 1>it took me a really long time to get out

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<v Speaker 1>of my own head. Many years. Actually, I still feel

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<v Speaker 1>like I'm recovering and giving myself permission to give myself

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<v Speaker 1>compliments and take credit for things that I deserve. It

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<v Speaker 1>took a long long time, but I realized I am

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<v Speaker 1>absolutely different from every other person out there, and that's

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<v Speaker 1>what makes me beautiful. You being your truest, most authentic

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<v Speaker 1>self makes you most beautiful. When you find and follow

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<v Speaker 1>your dreams and put yourself out there, that's what makes

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<v Speaker 1>you feel beautiful when you empower yourself and others. When

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<v Speaker 1>you put that time and effort into what a nights

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<v Speaker 1>your fire, you don't have time to pick yourself apart

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<v Speaker 1>and focus on the outward appearances. It shuts off the

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<v Speaker 1>noise inside your head because you're too focused on bigger,

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<v Speaker 1>more important things. You have to empower yourself to find

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<v Speaker 1>something bigger than that noise and to silence that noise

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<v Speaker 1>is so rewarding. Once you realize you can live without

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<v Speaker 1>that constant badger inside your head of never being good enough,

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<v Speaker 1>or being so mad at yourself for eating, or never

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<v Speaker 1>look going to look a certain way, you will never

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<v Speaker 1>want that noise to take up any more of your time.

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<v Speaker 1>You want to help others and never let them waste

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<v Speaker 1>another second of being unhappy with themselves. You'll start to

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<v Speaker 1>notice that when you encourage and inspire others, and when

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<v Speaker 1>you share your true gifts, that's what's really going to

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<v Speaker 1>make you feel beautiful and feel good and actually feel important.

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<v Speaker 1>Sharing your light will light up others, and that's what's

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<v Speaker 1>more important than any implement or approval from anybody else.

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<v Speaker 1>The key to get approval is get approval from yourself

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<v Speaker 1>and that's where you can truly move forward. Except yourself

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<v Speaker 1>for everything that you are, and own it and love it.

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<v Speaker 1>Here's the letter to myself. Dear sixteen year old Andrea,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm sorry for taking away your youth. I'm sorry for

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<v Speaker 1>never stopping and realizing what an amazing person you were.

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<v Speaker 1>Not only were you kind, thoughtful, and sweet, but you

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<v Speaker 1>were beautiful. Everything you wanted to be you were, and

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<v Speaker 1>you never gave yourself credit for that. If I could

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<v Speaker 1>change one thing, I wouldn't remind myself that it's not

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<v Speaker 1>all about looks. It's about how you make people feel,

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<v Speaker 1>and that's what really counts. But giving yourself kind words

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<v Speaker 1>is never a bad thing. I can see clearly now

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<v Speaker 1>that you just needed a reminder that there is not

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<v Speaker 1>one standard of beauty. Being yourself and being confident in

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<v Speaker 1>who you are and your unique qualities is what's going

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<v Speaker 1>to get you far in life. Own them, be proud

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<v Speaker 1>and happy of yourself, and find and follow your passions.

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<v Speaker 1>That's where you'll find your purpose. My younger self would

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<v Speaker 1>be proud that my goal and passion in life is

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<v Speaker 1>to help women see how beautiful and amazing they really are.

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<v Speaker 1>I get to empower women and encourage them to love

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<v Speaker 1>themselves daily. That's my job, and I'm so excited that

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<v Speaker 1>I get to do that. I was strong and creageous

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<v Speaker 1>enough to follow my dreams, speak my truth, and hopefully

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<v Speaker 1>help others. My life trajectory up to the summer of

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<v Speaker 1>two thousand and eight was centered around becoming a lawyer.

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<v Speaker 1>That had always been my plan. I dutifully follow the

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<v Speaker 1>English major program at the University of Virginia, and then

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<v Speaker 1>I got a job as a paralegal in New York

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<v Speaker 1>City after graduation. Three weeks in, I knew I would

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<v Speaker 1>never be a lawyer. Whether it was that specific firm

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<v Speaker 1>or the context of the financial atmosphere in two thousand

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<v Speaker 1>and eight, I'll never know, But I know that I

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<v Speaker 1>experienced a quarter life crisis of epic proportions before and

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<v Speaker 1>I had a healthy relationship with food. I listened to

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<v Speaker 1>my hunger cues eight till I was satisfied, mostly when

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<v Speaker 1>I indulged. I didn't give the experience a second thought.

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<v Speaker 1>I was present, enjoyed every bite, moved on. Here's the thing.

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<v Speaker 1>I had also felt on top of the world my

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<v Speaker 1>whole life. I was an a student president of thus

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<v Speaker 1>and such and spoiled by a happy family that provided

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<v Speaker 1>anything I could want. I felt completely in control of

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<v Speaker 1>my life, sure that I could map out and accomplish

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<v Speaker 1>whatever I chose. Yet standing on a street corner that

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<v Speaker 1>first post college summer, tears streaming down my face, I

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<v Speaker 1>felt zero control. So I found a way to get

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<v Speaker 1>that feeling back. For me, disordered eating was never about looks.

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<v Speaker 1>I was okay with my body, had never really fluctuated

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<v Speaker 1>in my weight or given shape much thought. When I

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<v Speaker 1>began to restrict food and work out excessively. My way

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<v Speaker 1>low school wasn't physical. It was mental. I needed to

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<v Speaker 1>accomplish something to see it checked off the list. I

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<v Speaker 1>needed there to be something I could always manipulate. I

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<v Speaker 1>created food rules, a self constructed guideline for right and

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<v Speaker 1>wrong when it came to what I ate, how much,

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<v Speaker 1>and when if I ordered to wrap, I tore off

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<v Speaker 1>any piece that wasn't actually touching the filling. When I

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<v Speaker 1>ate almond butter with my breakfast, I couldn't have it

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<v Speaker 1>later in the day, but I could have peanut butter.

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<v Speaker 1>Not one or three, but only two. Scrambled eggs were acceptable,

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<v Speaker 1>And there were many others that I could no longer recall. Thankfully,

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<v Speaker 1>none of it made sense, none of it was healthy.

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<v Speaker 1>But following this imaginary protocol was calming and predictable. And

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<v Speaker 1>when I didn't or couldn't follow it, after a few

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<v Speaker 1>glasses of wine or out to dinner with a menu

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<v Speaker 1>I couldn't modify, I felt anxious, guilty, mentally and physically heavy.

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<v Speaker 1>The next day, I'd make sure to add a few

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<v Speaker 1>extra minutes or bump up the speed on my treadmill.

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<v Speaker 1>I'd leave a few more bites uneaten. Compensation was the

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<v Speaker 1>quickest and most satisfying way to get back to status quo.

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<v Speaker 1>The trickiest parts of my disordered eating were twofold. Firstly,

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<v Speaker 1>I was eating. I wasn't skipping meals or even eating

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<v Speaker 1>tiny portions all the time. I just wasn't eating enough.

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<v Speaker 1>Friends didn't pick up on any problem, so it's easy

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<v Speaker 1>for me to convince myself that all was well. Plus,

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<v Speaker 1>I'd created a comfortable distance between me and the people

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<v Speaker 1>who knew me best. Not only could I better filter

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<v Speaker 1>my behavior that way, I didn't have to put myself

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<v Speaker 1>in food compromising positions. As much as possible, I turned

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<v Speaker 1>down invites to the movies, to ice cream, drinks after

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<v Speaker 1>work or birthday dinners. Secondly, my world was a societal

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<v Speaker 1>environment of validation. Living in Supermodel City, I received constant

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<v Speaker 1>praise from my lean frame on a regular basis. The

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<v Speaker 1>gratification I felt wasn't because they approved of my looks.

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<v Speaker 1>It was because they were acknowledging the quote fruits of

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<v Speaker 1>my labor. The fragile world I'd constructed could only last

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<v Speaker 1>for so long. However, my best friend Francis invited me

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<v Speaker 1>to her mountain house for a long weekend. I knew

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<v Speaker 1>Francis was concerned, had picked up all my pain more

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<v Speaker 1>than anyone else. Our second night, we grabbed ice cream

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<v Speaker 1>in the local town and I said I was full,

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<v Speaker 1>with one scoop remaining. Francis gently asked if I was okay,

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<v Speaker 1>and I broke down. I called my parents and told

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<v Speaker 1>them I needed help. I started to see a therapist

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<v Speaker 1>who specialized in disordered eating, but it was cooking that

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<v Speaker 1>truly healed me. I began to spend my free time

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<v Speaker 1>selecting vibrant, fresh food from the Union Square farmers market,

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<v Speaker 1>taking it home to play with in the kitchen. Quickly,

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<v Speaker 1>my desire to control through restriction dissipated, as I found

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<v Speaker 1>a way to serve myself and others from the inside out.

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<v Speaker 1>By the time I graduated culinary school in two thousand

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<v Speaker 1>and third, team I had developed a sustainable and respectful

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<v Speaker 1>relationship with food. My world went from one centered around

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<v Speaker 1>fear to one centered around hope. I rarely have moments

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<v Speaker 1>where my old food rules worm their way into my

0:12:48.800 --> 0:12:52.200
<v Speaker 1>current life, but when they arise, I don't let them

0:12:52.240 --> 0:12:56.040
<v Speaker 1>guide my decisions, and this takes away their power. I

0:12:56.080 --> 0:12:59.400
<v Speaker 1>eat the second helping grab Chick fil A or chocolate croissant,

0:12:59.640 --> 0:13:02.280
<v Speaker 1>go of you days without veggies or slather on the butter,

0:13:02.360 --> 0:13:06.080
<v Speaker 1>on everything in sight. I just do it anyway, and

0:13:06.120 --> 0:13:09.360
<v Speaker 1>I see that the world doesn't implode. Life goes on,

0:13:09.920 --> 0:13:15.240
<v Speaker 1>but not as usual. It's better. Dear Lorly, how I

0:13:15.280 --> 0:13:17.760
<v Speaker 1>wish I could sit myself next to you twelve years ago,

0:13:18.360 --> 0:13:21.319
<v Speaker 1>where you stared at a city landscape. It looked as

0:13:21.320 --> 0:13:24.559
<v Speaker 1>bleak as your heart and your mind felt. If I could,

0:13:24.640 --> 0:13:26.880
<v Speaker 1>I'd rub your twenty two year old back while telling

0:13:26.920 --> 0:13:29.840
<v Speaker 1>you that you are powerful beyond measure, that you can

0:13:29.880 --> 0:13:32.960
<v Speaker 1>exhale and let go, that there is no such thing

0:13:33.000 --> 0:13:35.640
<v Speaker 1>as a finish line or having it all checked off

0:13:35.640 --> 0:13:41.120
<v Speaker 1>the list that everything is beautifully an evolution and an

0:13:41.160 --> 0:13:44.600
<v Speaker 1>ongoing journey. I'd remind you of what you've accomplished and

0:13:44.640 --> 0:13:48.200
<v Speaker 1>share a glimpse of accomplishments to come, which have nothing

0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:50.040
<v Speaker 1>to do with what you ate or didn't eat on

0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:53.839
<v Speaker 1>any given morning. I would lean in, hold your face

0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:57.160
<v Speaker 1>with my today hands and convince you that you don't

0:13:57.160 --> 0:14:01.160
<v Speaker 1>have to accomplish to be perfect and to be that

0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:04.480
<v Speaker 1>the feeling you're desperately seeking comes from simply resting and

0:14:04.520 --> 0:14:09.319
<v Speaker 1>your enoughness. I'd offer this as I offer it to myself. Now,

0:14:10.200 --> 0:14:13.760
<v Speaker 1>you are a beloved, divine miracle by virtue of just

0:14:13.960 --> 0:14:16.520
<v Speaker 1>being you, and there's nothing you have to do to

0:14:16.600 --> 0:14:20.640
<v Speaker 1>deserve it. Hey, I'm Rachel, and this is my story.

0:14:20.800 --> 0:14:24.120
<v Speaker 1>My eating disorder slash disordered eating started in eleventh grade,

0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:26.680
<v Speaker 1>right around the time I began taking Adderall, which was

0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:29.360
<v Speaker 1>prescribed for my a d h D. For those who know,

0:14:29.560 --> 0:14:32.120
<v Speaker 1>this kind of medication is known to suppress your appetite,

0:14:32.160 --> 0:14:34.600
<v Speaker 1>and since I was barely eating, I was also quickly

0:14:34.600 --> 0:14:37.240
<v Speaker 1>losing weight. Little did I know that this one thing

0:14:37.320 --> 0:14:40.560
<v Speaker 1>was going to trigger something way bigger. Within a few months,

0:14:40.560 --> 0:14:42.800
<v Speaker 1>I became completely obsessed with the way that I looked

0:14:42.880 --> 0:14:45.400
<v Speaker 1>and what I was, or more like, wasn't putting into

0:14:45.400 --> 0:14:48.920
<v Speaker 1>my body. I began completely restricting food. It started with

0:14:49.000 --> 0:14:51.920
<v Speaker 1>the typically unhealthier bad ones, and then it began to

0:14:51.960 --> 0:14:55.280
<v Speaker 1>spiral into a general fear of most foods. I was

0:14:55.360 --> 0:14:58.000
<v Speaker 1>body checking, constantly grabbing the parts of my body I

0:14:58.040 --> 0:15:01.400
<v Speaker 1>believe to be fat, staring in the mirror, repeating horrible

0:15:01.400 --> 0:15:06.560
<v Speaker 1>things to myself, over exercising my body's limits, obsessively weighing

0:15:06.560 --> 0:15:09.040
<v Speaker 1>myself sometimes up to five or six times a day,

0:15:09.320 --> 0:15:13.360
<v Speaker 1>and constantly, I mean constantly thinking and obsessing over food

0:15:13.400 --> 0:15:16.600
<v Speaker 1>and the way my body looked. Surprisingly, I actually never

0:15:16.640 --> 0:15:19.520
<v Speaker 1>felt pressure from society, and a majority of these issues

0:15:19.560 --> 0:15:21.600
<v Speaker 1>came from the pressure that I put on myself, as

0:15:21.600 --> 0:15:24.440
<v Speaker 1>I'm an overachiever and perfectionist. On the days that I

0:15:24.480 --> 0:15:28.600
<v Speaker 1>struggled so every day, I would feel physically, emotionally and

0:15:28.640 --> 0:15:33.000
<v Speaker 1>mentally exhausted. I was irritable, weak, and always extremely frustrated.

0:15:33.520 --> 0:15:36.200
<v Speaker 1>This deeply affected my relationships with my family, as I

0:15:36.200 --> 0:15:39.080
<v Speaker 1>was always acting out with virtually no reason in their minds.

0:15:39.520 --> 0:15:41.600
<v Speaker 1>I had so much trouble opening up and can barely

0:15:41.640 --> 0:15:45.240
<v Speaker 1>speak about my emotions. Also, I think it's important to

0:15:45.280 --> 0:15:47.960
<v Speaker 1>recognize that it wasn't even about the food at this point.

0:15:48.000 --> 0:15:51.600
<v Speaker 1>It was just about control and the ability to control

0:15:52.040 --> 0:15:54.880
<v Speaker 1>every situation in my life. I was so rigid and

0:15:54.880 --> 0:15:57.200
<v Speaker 1>stuck in my ways that I could barely even go away,

0:15:57.280 --> 0:15:59.000
<v Speaker 1>as a day off from the gym or out of

0:15:59.040 --> 0:16:02.520
<v Speaker 1>my routine was absolutely not allowed in my mind. Ultimately,

0:16:02.600 --> 0:16:04.320
<v Speaker 1>I knew I had to make a change when every

0:16:04.400 --> 0:16:06.960
<v Speaker 1>day was just more miserable than the next, I hit

0:16:07.000 --> 0:16:09.760
<v Speaker 1>a point so low that I basically isolated myself from

0:16:09.800 --> 0:16:11.920
<v Speaker 1>everyone and was finding it really hard to find the

0:16:12.000 --> 0:16:15.520
<v Speaker 1>joint things. I don't remember an exact moment that led

0:16:15.520 --> 0:16:18.520
<v Speaker 1>me to seek help, but there was an overall desire

0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:21.480
<v Speaker 1>to stop feeling so bad about myself. Once I began

0:16:21.560 --> 0:16:24.320
<v Speaker 1>therapy and really started to talk about my issues, I

0:16:24.480 --> 0:16:27.320
<v Speaker 1>noticed a huge shift in the way that I felt. Obviously,

0:16:27.360 --> 0:16:30.360
<v Speaker 1>it takes work, and I'm still nowhere near one, but

0:16:30.440 --> 0:16:32.600
<v Speaker 1>I do know that I'm feeling better each day. On

0:16:32.640 --> 0:16:35.080
<v Speaker 1>the days that old thoughts and patterns do arise, I

0:16:35.080 --> 0:16:37.520
<v Speaker 1>try to remind myself how miserable I felt then and

0:16:37.520 --> 0:16:40.880
<v Speaker 1>how fulfilled I feel now. I try to vocalize the thoughts,

0:16:40.880 --> 0:16:43.720
<v Speaker 1>as keeping them inside makes it worse for me. I

0:16:43.760 --> 0:16:46.760
<v Speaker 1>also really focus on not shifting or changing anything about

0:16:46.800 --> 0:16:49.120
<v Speaker 1>my current life, as I do not want to give

0:16:49.160 --> 0:16:52.960
<v Speaker 1>into my old patterns or behaviors. Doing these things definitely

0:16:53.200 --> 0:16:55.440
<v Speaker 1>help to alleviate the pressure, but it does not make

0:16:55.480 --> 0:16:58.240
<v Speaker 1>them go away. Honestly, I would say that every day

0:16:58.280 --> 0:17:00.640
<v Speaker 1>I choose to move forward through the pain and place

0:17:00.720 --> 0:17:03.040
<v Speaker 1>one foot in front of the other. By leaving that

0:17:03.160 --> 0:17:06.240
<v Speaker 1>life behind me, I've gained a newfound appreciation for food

0:17:06.359 --> 0:17:09.840
<v Speaker 1>and my relationships. Like I said before, I'm nowhere near one,

0:17:10.680 --> 0:17:12.680
<v Speaker 1>nor do I think i'll ever be, but I've gained

0:17:12.680 --> 0:17:15.520
<v Speaker 1>a new perspective on things. I'm actually able to go

0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:18.240
<v Speaker 1>out to eat with friends or family and really enjoy myself.

0:17:18.640 --> 0:17:20.760
<v Speaker 1>I also have so much more energy and time to

0:17:20.840 --> 0:17:23.760
<v Speaker 1>invest in things that really make me happy. Life now

0:17:23.880 --> 0:17:26.280
<v Speaker 1>is fun and interesting, and I'm so excited to continue

0:17:26.280 --> 0:17:30.000
<v Speaker 1>to grow. Dear younger Rachel, I am so sorry for

0:17:30.040 --> 0:17:32.040
<v Speaker 1>all of the pain and suffering that I put you through.

0:17:32.280 --> 0:17:34.600
<v Speaker 1>I'm sorry that I didn't recognize how deeply you were

0:17:34.600 --> 0:17:37.000
<v Speaker 1>suffering and how desperately you just needed to talk about

0:17:37.040 --> 0:17:39.800
<v Speaker 1>how you felt. I'm sorry for robbing you of the

0:17:39.840 --> 0:17:42.679
<v Speaker 1>joint excitement from so many situations and for making you

0:17:42.720 --> 0:17:46.280
<v Speaker 1>feel uncomfortable in your own skin. Honestly, though, I wouldn't

0:17:46.359 --> 0:17:48.840
<v Speaker 1>change anything that you went through, because you're suffering has

0:17:48.880 --> 0:17:51.560
<v Speaker 1>only made you a stronger person. I want you to

0:17:51.600 --> 0:17:53.960
<v Speaker 1>remember how badly you felt then and how happy and

0:17:54.000 --> 0:17:56.720
<v Speaker 1>free you feel now, and overall, I'm really proud of

0:17:56.760 --> 0:17:57.399
<v Speaker 1>who you become.