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Speaker 1: Ron Burgundy Podcast. Hello friends, it's Ron Burgundy and I

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Speaker 1: want to make something clear about podcasts. I can't see you,

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Speaker 1: I cannot see your faces, I can't even hear or

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Speaker 1: smell you, but I can love you. Caroline and I

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Speaker 1: have just been talking about how much we love this podcast,

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Speaker 1: love our listeners, love the I heart suits in their

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Speaker 1: HR department. Even after some tense hour long courses and

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Speaker 1: zero massages in the workplace as requested, most of the time,

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Speaker 1: we are like one big, healthy, beautiful family, one of

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Speaker 1: those Irish families where the kids never wear shirts because

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Speaker 1: there are too many kids, not enough clothing. Today, we

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Speaker 1: want to make an episode just for the listeners, talking

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Speaker 1: about the best memories we've shared and some of the

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Speaker 1: best times. Literally couldn't find Orange Julius anywhere, kind of

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Speaker 1: hard to find. Actually, Oh hi, Carolina, were you just

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Speaker 1: I got you the Entimans cherry cheese Danish? Is that

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Speaker 1: the one you wanted? It looks like it's been at

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Speaker 1: the gas station for a while, so just with caution,

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Speaker 1: right right, well, thank you very much. Wait you're already recording. Um,

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Speaker 1: I'm I'm no, I'm on the phone with my my mistress.

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Speaker 1: You're recording without me. Why all right? You see that

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Speaker 1: beige couch pillow you're sitting against, Yes, the one with

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Speaker 1: the weird so disdain It looks just like you run.

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Speaker 1: That's no, I don't mean that as an insult. I

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Speaker 1: mean I really thought you'd been here the whole time,

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Speaker 1: for the past hour. I mean before we started recording.

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Speaker 1: We we spoke for a while. I just thought you

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Speaker 1: were composed and demure, But in reality, it was a pillow.

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Speaker 1: I learned a lot from that pillow. But I'm glad

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Speaker 1: you're here and you can sit against it. This is

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Speaker 1: my cherry cheese danners. Yes, it's very warm. I hope

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Speaker 1: the cheese is still good. Yeah, so do I have

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Speaker 1: no idea how long it was at that gas station. Listen,

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Speaker 1: this is a great opportunity to announce to our guests

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Speaker 1: our topic for today now, Carolina, I know you and

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Speaker 1: I had a long back and forth on what the

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Speaker 1: topic should be here today. Um no, we didn't actually right. Sorry, again,

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Speaker 1: that was the pillow. She was so generous. She just

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Speaker 1: gave me the floor to explore my own ideas, no interruptions.

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Speaker 1: A lovely woman. What was the topic you two decided on? Well,

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Speaker 1: I was going to do numbers. Interesting. I know she

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Speaker 1: didn't like it either. Then I said, all right, if

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Speaker 1: that's too tame for you, then let's get political. Let's

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Speaker 1: debate out the White House should tackle student debt by

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Speaker 1: legislator or executive order. But gosh, governing by executive order is?

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Speaker 1: Is it freckles or necessary freckles? Do you mean reckless?

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Speaker 1: What are you reading this from? Ron? Show me your palm, Hey,

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Speaker 1: don't touch me. I'm calling Maria an Hr. You have

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Speaker 1: a bunch of smudged bullet points written in your palm.

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Speaker 1: The pillow would never have put me through a trial

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Speaker 1: like this. My pillow, Oh, my pillow that actually has

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Speaker 1: um kind of a negative political connotation. Fine, no politics.

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Speaker 1: I can't read half this stuff anyway. Do you have

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Speaker 1: the rest of my sentiments? Yes? I have the raspberry

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Speaker 1: Danish Twist, the guava cheese puffs, the mini raspberry creams,

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Speaker 1: the docy dough, lightbulb moment, Eureka, today I will be

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Speaker 1: speaking on health. Did you get my lemon snack pies? Yes?

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Speaker 1: All right, great, let's do this now. Listen. Being a

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Speaker 1: televised news anchor, I had lights and cameras on me

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Speaker 1: every night. I was under pressure. My nail beds had

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Speaker 1: to be tidy, my hair had to shine, and my

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Speaker 1: skin had to glow. Carolina, have you ever felt the

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Speaker 1: pressure to look good? Um? I don't think of it

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Speaker 1: as pressure. You're you're free of all that nonsense. Well,

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Speaker 1: God bless you, wild as a dog. But some of

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Speaker 1: our listeners out there may want to know how to

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Speaker 1: live a healthy lifestyle. And today I'm feeling generous. I'm

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Speaker 1: going to divulge all my beauty secrets. But run you

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Speaker 1: smoke only cigars and drink I'll tell you when I've

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Speaker 1: had enough. And you eat red meat like every single day,

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Speaker 1: and you eat it rare Okay, Listen, people know the

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Speaker 1: right thing to do. You eat a reasonable amount of calories,

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Speaker 1: not too much bread, not too much sugar. You work

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Speaker 1: out three minutes a week, et cetera. Everyone knows how

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Speaker 1: to do it. I mean, how many the Men's Health

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Speaker 1: magazine issues do we need? We get it. It's math,

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Speaker 1: But what about when we want to cut corners, eat

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Speaker 1: a street hot dog in the library, sleep all day

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Speaker 1: and eat children's birthday cake all night, smoke a morning

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Speaker 1: cigarette and steal the old lady's purse in the park.

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Speaker 1: So you want to teach unhealthy people how to be healthy.

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Speaker 1: I want to say this. Here are some secrets that

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Speaker 1: ask nothing of your precious wild life. They just help

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Speaker 1: you skate on by. And none of this is from

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Speaker 1: my palm, and none of this is from my pillow.

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Speaker 1: These are just some expert tips I've picked up on

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Speaker 1: my beauty journey. Oh yeah, that's right, I keep forgetting

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Speaker 1: you are a beauty blogger. Yes, I am, well, I

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Speaker 1: can't wait to hear well. The first tip is obvious?

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Speaker 1: Oh is it um like drinking eight glasses of water

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Speaker 1: a day? No, you don't need to drink water. What

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Speaker 1: do you mean you just don't need to? I promise.

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Speaker 1: Last time I had a glass of water, I did

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Speaker 1: it to be belied at a golf club. The servers

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Speaker 1: were slow with our drinks and everyone was toasting. But otherwise,

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Speaker 1: just don't worry about it. You're fine. Drink juice if

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Speaker 1: you have to eat water is boring and I live

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Speaker 1: a life of adventure. Okay, So if it's not drink water,

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Speaker 1: what's the obvious tip for our listeners. Well, it's something

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Speaker 1: my friend deep Jobra taught us on season one meditate. Okay, yes,

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Speaker 1: this is a common health tip. Meditation is great. Not

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Speaker 1: just meditate, but meditate with a coworker. Have a meditation

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Speaker 1: partner who can keep you accountable. So for our listeners,

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Speaker 1: let's just alve wherever we are, whether you're piloting an

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Speaker 1: F two raptor or operating a forklift. Let's close our

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Speaker 1: eyes and take three deep breaths with the people around us. Okay,

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Speaker 1: I'm supportive of that. Um ready one two, um oh

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Speaker 1: um two. We're onto No no, no, don't open your

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Speaker 1: eyes or it won't work. Are you going for my purse?

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Speaker 1: Give that to me? Ron, quit going through my purse. Listen,

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Speaker 1: I was doing this to prove a point. Meditate with

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Speaker 1: a coworker, then steal their money. I hate to say

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Speaker 1: it's easy, but it is. Let's let's move on from

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Speaker 1: this quickly because it was really for our listeners. So

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Speaker 1: a health tip you have is stealing money exactly, And listen. Sure,

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Speaker 1: I've disappeared in some caves for a few months, taken

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Speaker 1: vows of silence. I did yoga at the y a

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Speaker 1: few times with my buddy Mike, but nothing has given

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Speaker 1: me the relief excitement. The guard viva as having pulled

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Speaker 1: a fast one on a dear friend. All right, so

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Speaker 1: if you want a little kick in your step, maybe

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Speaker 1: pull a prank on a friend. No, no, no, that's

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Speaker 1: not what I meant. Steal something valuable, something that will sting. Okay,

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Speaker 1: Can we get to your next tip? Yes, yes, this

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Speaker 1: one I learned from the poets. While we all know

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Speaker 1: you love poetry, yes I do. And the poets such

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Speaker 1: as Rilka, William Blake, Sean Mendez, they all speak of love.

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Speaker 1: One of the best ways to live a beautiful, healthy

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Speaker 1: life is to fall in love and to make love

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Speaker 1: with a beautiful partner, not just any partner, someone who

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Speaker 1: sees you for who you really are, with your flaws

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Speaker 1: and charms. That's nice, ron I like that. And don't

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Speaker 1: just stay wrapped up in the sheets all day. Walk

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Speaker 1: around New York City with your sweetheart. Buy them a pashmina,

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Speaker 1: go to the fanciest restaurant on the Upper West Side

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Speaker 1: and split an intimates cheese filled crumb coffee cake. Just

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Speaker 1: sneak it in your purse, and then, with the bravery

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Speaker 1: of a soldier heading into battle, look at your loved

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Speaker 1: one and say those three magical words I love you.

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Speaker 1: I agree. I like this. I mean anyone who's been

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Speaker 1: in love can speak to its health benefits. And I

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Speaker 1: mean your partner's presence can lower your blood pressure, blessing

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Speaker 1: your anxiety. I think it like floods your brain with dopamine.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, you've heard it here first. Fall in love

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Speaker 1: a health tip from Ron Burgundy. No, I'm sorry what

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Speaker 1: I thought we were doing falling in love? My health

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Speaker 1: tip is come on strong way too early, be vulnerable,

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Speaker 1: show your heart, express your deepest fears, tell the stranger

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Speaker 1: your greatest aspirations, and then when they get spooked and

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Speaker 1: endo it fall apart. I'm I'm not understanding be wrecked.

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Speaker 1: As Cheryl Sandberg says, lean in, drink too much, send

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Speaker 1: them emails, call them litt into songs that remind you

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Speaker 1: of your time together. Look at pictures, think of what

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Speaker 1: you could have done differently. This is terrible health advice.

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Speaker 1: Ask your ex friends questions about how they're doing. What

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Speaker 1: are the benefits of forcing yourself into absolute heartache? Listen,

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Speaker 1: everyone thinks they look good when they're fat and happy

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Speaker 1: on the farm, but really you want to look distraught.

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Speaker 1: I learned this from the supermodels of the ninety nineties.

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Speaker 1: You need to get loss of appetite, hollow stomach, nausea,

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Speaker 1: and hopefully if you follow my instructions, you'll get an

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Speaker 1: intestinal disorder. Well, I don't want an intestinal disorder. I'll

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Speaker 1: just go do yoga somewhere. Listen, you know that feeling

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Speaker 1: when you can't eat and you you drink whiskey for

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Speaker 1: a month because your heart has been broken. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I haven't been completely wrecked over a breakup in years,

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Speaker 1: but yes, I've been there. We've all been there, Okay,

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Speaker 1: and how did you respond when your heart was torn

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Speaker 1: from your chest? Um? I was living in New York

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Speaker 1: at the time, and and god, right after me and

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Speaker 1: my ex broke up, I couldn't really sleep. So I

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Speaker 1: would wake up at like five am and go jogging

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Speaker 1: in the rain because it just felt good being cold.

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Speaker 1: And then after I would just chug some coffee. And

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Speaker 1: I was smoking a lot of cigarettes at the time.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, I bet you looked great, didn't you.

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Speaker 1: I actually looked really good. Yeah. It's hard. It does

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Speaker 1: not feel good. And the hard thing is you eventually

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Speaker 1: get better, so you have to watch yourself. Suddenly you're

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Speaker 1: out at a jovial Italian restaurant with friends, and you're

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Speaker 1: ordering appetizers and you've kicked smoking. So what do you

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Speaker 1: do when you start feeling good enough to eat? You

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Speaker 1: think of the happiest memory you have with your ex lover,

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Speaker 1: and then you imagine them getting open mouth tongued by

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Speaker 1: Ron Pearlman. Oh my god, what do you want the

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Speaker 1: health ship or not? Okay? Well, what if the person

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Speaker 1: falls in love with you? What if they don't break

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Speaker 1: your heart? Oh you'll be fine. Okay, So I'm sickly thin?

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Speaker 1: What about my baggy eyes? What if I have like

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Speaker 1: a lifeless bombie? Look? All right, this is where it

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Speaker 1: gets a little unconventional. This is where it gets a

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Speaker 1: little unconventional. Have you heard of racehorse steroids? I mean,

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Speaker 1: I can imagine. They're exactly what they sound like. They're

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Speaker 1: exactly what they sound like, and therefore emergencies only. You

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Speaker 1: really can't use these every day. Actually, just try them

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Speaker 1: once and see how you react, and then go from there.

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to try them even once to see

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Speaker 1: how I react. They are great for job interviews, for

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Speaker 1: future reference, for future reference, That's what I said. What

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Speaker 1: does that mean? I'm sorry? Do I need to start

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Speaker 1: looking for a new job. Why did why did you

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Speaker 1: just say that? I don't know. Maybe the pod Save

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Speaker 1: America guys are hiring Ron. What's what's going on? Okay?

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Speaker 1: That was another example for our listeners. Another motivator to

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Speaker 1: kick you out of a sluggish rut is pure primal fear.

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Speaker 1: It wakes you right up. You see, that was a gift.

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Speaker 1: You are such a stop it stop, I mean it stop.

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Speaker 1: You are such a jerk? Listen? Do you want to

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Speaker 1: remain alert? You want to stay focused? Do you know

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Speaker 1: how fast bank tellers work when they're getting robbed? You mean,

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Speaker 1: when they're filling bags with money, they become seriously efficient.

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Speaker 1: But ten minutes before, the lines are slow as molasses.

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Speaker 1: Do you want to get more work done? Do you do?

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Speaker 1: You want to run a little faster, Find something that

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Speaker 1: scares the ship out of you and really let it

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Speaker 1: haunt you. In fact, if you can get a rabbit

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Speaker 1: possum and put some cheap Halloween superstore devil horns on it,

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Speaker 1: and then if you can put a little red velvet

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Speaker 1: cape on it, you could walk it around like a

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Speaker 1: little evil rabbid possum. I guess if you could get

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Speaker 1: a rabbit possum and put like a Halloween outfit on it. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I guess in theory you could do all of those things.

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Speaker 1: I don't know why you would to be a boss

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Speaker 1: lady who gets done. Whenever you're distracted zoning out on

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Speaker 1: your phone, you look next to you and what in

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Speaker 1: the almighty hell is that why? It's a foaming mouthed

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Speaker 1: possum dressed as a little king devil that snaps you

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Speaker 1: to attention. And that's for free. No horse steroids required. Gosh,

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Speaker 1: that's a good slogan for our show, don't you think?

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Speaker 1: What is the Ron Burgundy podcast? No horse steroids required? Okay, Ron,

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Speaker 1: If you're just drinking and smoking and stealing money from

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Speaker 1: your friends, how do you keep your teeth so clean

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Speaker 1: and your hair so shiny, your skin like glows? It's crazy. Yes, well,

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Speaker 1: let's get to the nitty gritty. I'm here for it.

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Speaker 1: We all want to hear. No horse steroids required. That

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Speaker 1: isn't working as an expression. It just means, let's get real.

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Speaker 1: Take the horse steroids off the table, be yourself. No

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Speaker 1: horse steroids required. All right, no horse steroids. We gotta

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Speaker 1: go for it. My gorgeous hair. It is the work

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Speaker 1: of fish oil supplements and silk pillowcases. Okay, I'm going

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Speaker 1: to write this down. You just buy them online, just

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Speaker 1: like regular silk pillow cases. I could maybe find some

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Speaker 1: cheap ones, any kind of silk pillow cases. They will

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Speaker 1: definitely help, Carolina. Let me see your hair. Oh yeah,

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Speaker 1: they could help with the situation. Oh boy, hopefully I

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Speaker 1: get it. And what about your pearly white teeth? Well

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Speaker 1: everyone knows this already, but I went to the dentist.

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Speaker 1: That's your beauty secret that you went to the dentist. Yes,

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Speaker 1: it was April. That's it. You've got to try the dentist.

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Speaker 1: But you just want once. So what I'm going to

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Speaker 1: get a lesson in how to brush my teeth once

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Speaker 1: a month? All right? Uh? Well, what about your skin?

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Speaker 1: You have this beautiful, like golden skin, Carolina. This is

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Speaker 1: exactly what Maria and Hr said was stop signed behavior. No,

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Speaker 1: we're just talking about health tips. I'm not being creepy.

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Speaker 1: I'm holding up a stop sign to you. Can you

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Speaker 1: respect that I don't want to marry you? All right,

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Speaker 1: don't write this down? Why are you writing this down?

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Speaker 1: I hate I have to tell Marie and HR about this. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I've been up there like fifteen times for unwanted advances.

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Speaker 1: One morning, I just asked you if you wanted me

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Speaker 1: to grab you a coffee since you've got up before

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Speaker 1: ten am? And is that not the most romantic thing

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Speaker 1: you've ever heard? I had to talk to HR for hours. No,

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Speaker 1: I'm not doing this. I don't want to get into

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Speaker 1: it right now. Okay, what are some tips on your skin?

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Speaker 1: All right? Leaning close? No, because you're just gonna send

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Speaker 1: me the HR. You are ten steps ahead of meet Carolina. Okay, listeners.

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Speaker 1: My secrets to glowing skin. As you know, I have

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Speaker 1: a tanning bed in my closet. Um. Yeah, he does, actually,

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Speaker 1: but he won't hire a maintenance man for it. Whenever

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Speaker 1: it breaks. I locked Carolina in there and I just say,

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Speaker 1: figure it out. I'm gonna go get us some lunch.

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Speaker 1: So you just tan That's your only secret. No, mattig

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Speaker 1: Ascar is my secret. I had there to bask in

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Speaker 1: the sunshine and find a mysterious lover to roam the

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Speaker 1: beaches with. But little did I know the last time

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Speaker 1: I was there that I would uncover a link to

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Speaker 1: a terrorist financier Le Schifre. He was there to raise

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Speaker 1: money for his evil ventures in a high stakes poker game,

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Speaker 1: and I decided to gamble against him and topple his

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Speaker 1: organization of crime. Is um? Is that a James Bond movie?

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Speaker 1: I don't know, is it? What kind of car did

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Speaker 1: you drive him? Madagascar? Um? A Hurts Rental. I think

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Speaker 1: I got their standard two seater and Aston Martin dbs

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Speaker 1: V twelve ron. I think this is the plot to

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Speaker 1: Casino Royale with Daniel Craig. Oh God, I love him?

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Speaker 1: Are you you kidding? Really? Yes? Did you watch it? Listen? Carolina,

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Speaker 1: I'm just giving skincare secrets. You know me. I like

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Speaker 1: bang bang Western TV shows, and I enjoy watching my

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Speaker 1: reruns of Murder, she wrote, And don't forget, you know,

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Speaker 1: the love boat streaming I have on my phone. I'll

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Speaker 1: never forget the love boat streaming you have on your phone.

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Speaker 1: I just I don't watch these strange European spy films. Okay,

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Speaker 1: in that case, what are your other skincare secrets besides

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Speaker 1: buying a tanning bed and going to Madagascar? Listen, you

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Speaker 1: can't skimp on this area of your human body. I mean,

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Speaker 1: it's it's your face. That's why the movie Face Off

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Speaker 1: was so difficult for me to watch. You're scared someone

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Speaker 1: is going to steal your face. One, it's terrifying. If

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Speaker 1: anyone's face is getting stolen, you know it's going to

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Speaker 1: be mine. Actually that's not true. It could be either

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Speaker 1: mine or Adam Levin's. Maybe one of those judges from

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Speaker 1: the Voice Blake Shelton too. I mean people love that show,

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Speaker 1: but listen, we're all vulnerable. Protect your skin, uh you know, yeah,

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Speaker 1: protect your skin um with sunscreen. That's my big skincare

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Speaker 1: tip every day, preferably something above SPF thirty. No, no,

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Speaker 1: that's not what I mean. I mean, protect your face

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Speaker 1: before someone steals it right off of you. Wears it

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Speaker 1: tricks your brother and elicits information about a dangerous explosive,

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Speaker 1: and you're just in a hospital, faceless like a real

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Speaker 1: dang dong, just because you didn't listen to your friend Ron.

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Speaker 1: That's a movie. Nobody is going to steal your face,

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Speaker 1: all right, anything that you've heard from the experts in

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Speaker 1: this field, I mean, I'm trying to think of anything

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Speaker 1: realistic to tell our listeners about looking beautiful and feeling healthy.

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Speaker 1: You're absolutely right. Let me think I actually asked Anna

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Speaker 1: Winter this question after running into hert a gallery in

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Speaker 1: New York. I said, Annie, how do you stay hot,

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Speaker 1: hygienic and healthy? And do you know what? She said? Wait?

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Speaker 1: Did she even talk to you? She said, don't talk

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Speaker 1: to me. So besides tanning beds Madagascar, protecting your face

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Speaker 1: from a face off situation, and avoiding Anna Winter, I

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Speaker 1: don't know what to tell you. I mean, I think

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Speaker 1: I've actually been pretty generous. Well, we'll just have to

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Speaker 1: be grateful you gave us such semi valuable information. I mean,

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Speaker 1: none of us can be as healthy as you. We

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Speaker 1: really just don't have the time or resources. And I mean, run,

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Speaker 1: you spend like an hour each day just lotioning, and

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Speaker 1: you spend whole days sometimes tending to handcare. And that's

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Speaker 1: because a great way to make a first impression is

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Speaker 1: a smooth handshake. Well you actually do have like a

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Speaker 1: really freakishly smooth handshake. Uh huh? Why are you reaching

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Speaker 1: for the phone? Run? Hold on, hello, Marie. We've got

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Speaker 1: a situation. You stop it, Ah, wait, stop it