1 00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:08,760 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:14,600 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:14,680 --> 00:00:22,680 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello, and welcome back to the podcast. 5 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:26,120 Speaker 1: To the show. I hope you've been amazing and you're 6 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:31,520 Speaker 1: feeling loved and motivated inspired by your life At the moment, 7 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:35,760 Speaker 1: I'm feeling great. But if not, well, maybe this episode 8 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:38,680 Speaker 1: can explain just an aspect of why that may not 9 00:00:38,760 --> 00:00:41,400 Speaker 1: be the case. I'm guessing if you're listening to this, 10 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:44,280 Speaker 1: if you clicked on this, then this topic probably resonates 11 00:00:44,280 --> 00:00:47,320 Speaker 1: for you in many ways. So let's not waste any 12 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,400 Speaker 1: more valuable time. I have a lot to discuss today, 13 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:52,839 Speaker 1: but I don't want to make another fifty minute episode 14 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:57,560 Speaker 1: like I did a couple of weeks ago. I've realized recently. 15 00:00:58,240 --> 00:01:00,400 Speaker 1: Sorry here I go rambling, not even a minute in, 16 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,960 Speaker 1: but I realize that listening to one of my episodes 17 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:06,600 Speaker 1: normally takes the same amount of time for me as 18 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,039 Speaker 1: it does to get to my local beach between twenty 19 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:11,960 Speaker 1: two to thirty minutes. Hence why I'm trying to keep 20 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:16,800 Speaker 1: them more bite sized. How sweet, Yes, I do listen 21 00:01:16,880 --> 00:01:18,880 Speaker 1: to my own podcast in the car, and yes it's 22 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:22,960 Speaker 1: strictly for professional purposes and reasons, because I don't always 23 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:27,680 Speaker 1: listen over them when I press published, because I am lazy, 24 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:31,679 Speaker 1: so I have to do my due diligence later on. Anyhow, 25 00:01:32,319 --> 00:01:35,520 Speaker 1: today we're talking about people pleasing, what it is, how 26 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:39,120 Speaker 1: to break the cycle, the trouble it gets us into, 27 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,600 Speaker 1: and why you're kind of getting in your own way 28 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:45,920 Speaker 1: by refusing to say no. This episode was inspired by 29 00:01:45,959 --> 00:01:48,760 Speaker 1: many conversations. Is one of my bestest of friends, Aaron, 30 00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:51,800 Speaker 1: and one of my most loyal listeners. Oh my gosh, 31 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:54,040 Speaker 1: I miss her. I miss her so much, but shout 32 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:56,760 Speaker 1: out if you're listening, which you probably are, I'll see 33 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,720 Speaker 1: you soon. But we chat about this a lot because 34 00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,240 Speaker 1: I think it's a behavioral pattern we both fall into 35 00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,120 Speaker 1: quite frequently, and it came up recently because she was 36 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,800 Speaker 1: up in Sydney for my birthday and while she was here, 37 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:12,000 Speaker 1: I was talking about how I was almost anxious because 38 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:16,160 Speaker 1: if I didn't enjoy myself, even if I didn't enjoy myself, sorry, 39 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:18,680 Speaker 1: I wanted everyone else to be having a really good time. 40 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:21,120 Speaker 1: I wanted them to be happy. And she said Gemma, 41 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,480 Speaker 1: that's people pleasing to a tea, and here we are 42 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,880 Speaker 1: doing an episode on it. Strap in and get ready 43 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:35,280 Speaker 1: to learn. The idea of people pleasing has had a 44 00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:39,840 Speaker 1: pretty steady rise in pop culture and psychology. Pop culture, 45 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,680 Speaker 1: I guess, these last few years. I think probably due 46 00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 1: to the increasingly individual nature the trend or kind of 47 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:50,240 Speaker 1: perspective of psychology in its applications to our lives, and 48 00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,799 Speaker 1: the focus on self growth and self awareness, and the 49 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,200 Speaker 1: idea is also quite a recent one, the idea of 50 00:02:56,360 --> 00:03:00,760 Speaker 1: people pleasing. Obviously, the behavior has been around for a while. 51 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:06,160 Speaker 1: We just haven't always, I guess, had a name for it. 52 00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,320 Speaker 1: But there have even been like poems written about it. 53 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,400 Speaker 1: So one is pretty dramatic. I found it when I 54 00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:14,160 Speaker 1: was researching this episode, and I thought it was quite funny. Wait, 55 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:18,480 Speaker 1: let me read a line. Where is it I always 56 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:21,360 Speaker 1: say yes, can never say nerves swallow or hurt, Let 57 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:24,640 Speaker 1: no feelings show. He insulted me badly, called me the 58 00:03:24,639 --> 00:03:27,359 Speaker 1: son of a boy. I just rolled over saying kick me, 59 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,320 Speaker 1: kick me more. Some very dramatic lines from that poet, 60 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,920 Speaker 1: Alan Bruce Thompson, thank you, thank you for your inspiring, 61 00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:39,440 Speaker 1: if not depressing lyric Alan. But I don't know why 62 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,520 Speaker 1: I said that, but I think it's just interesting. I 63 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:43,360 Speaker 1: don't know why I felt the need to cite this 64 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,640 Speaker 1: poem that I had in my research, but I think 65 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,480 Speaker 1: it's just an indicator of how long this behavior has 66 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:52,240 Speaker 1: kind of been part of a dialogue around our interactions 67 00:03:52,240 --> 00:03:56,440 Speaker 1: with other people, and people pleasing has become such a 68 00:03:56,480 --> 00:04:00,200 Speaker 1: popular term, though, that it has wait for its own 69 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,600 Speaker 1: web md page. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you know the 70 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,000 Speaker 1: site you go to check if your headache may be 71 00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,120 Speaker 1: an I know cancer, Well, that site can now diagnose 72 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:14,160 Speaker 1: you with people pleasing. It's also inspired numerous psychology books 73 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:17,000 Speaker 1: such as The Disease to Please and When It's Never 74 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:20,680 Speaker 1: About You, titles that are almost as dramatic as our 75 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:24,080 Speaker 1: friend Alan's poem, but you get the gist. People pleasing 76 00:04:24,279 --> 00:04:28,000 Speaker 1: is now a pretty common popular part of daily psychobabble. 77 00:04:28,440 --> 00:04:31,719 Speaker 1: So what is people pleasing? Yes? It does kind of 78 00:04:31,760 --> 00:04:34,560 Speaker 1: say it all in the name, but let's dig a 79 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:39,480 Speaker 1: little deeper, as we tend to do in this podcast. Essentially, 80 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:43,520 Speaker 1: people pleasers are those who cannot maintain clear boundaries with 81 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:47,720 Speaker 1: others and do really whatever it takes essentially to make 82 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,960 Speaker 1: other people happy. They're often highly attuned to others and 83 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:57,480 Speaker 1: seen as agreeable, helpful, really kind. However, people pleasers may 84 00:04:57,520 --> 00:05:00,600 Speaker 1: have trouble advocating for themselves, which can lea tom to 85 00:05:00,839 --> 00:05:05,440 Speaker 1: a pretty harmful pattern of self safricrificed and self neglect. 86 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:10,080 Speaker 1: I think Whilst it's generally seen as a positive attribute 87 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,919 Speaker 1: to want to help others and act pro socially and 88 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:15,359 Speaker 1: in a way that kind of aligns with this entrenched 89 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:19,360 Speaker 1: altruistic norm, when we begin to see ourselves as second 90 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,840 Speaker 1: to the needs of others, you will inevitably end up 91 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:26,000 Speaker 1: depleted and anxious, and you also tend to experience disconnect 92 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:30,360 Speaker 1: with yourself and become unable to recognize or express what 93 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,560 Speaker 1: you need from a situation or from others in your 94 00:05:33,560 --> 00:05:37,040 Speaker 1: lives life. I've kind of said already a key element 95 00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:41,839 Speaker 1: of people pleasing is that it generally goes beyond simple kindness. 96 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:46,440 Speaker 1: It involves editing or altering words and behaviors for the 97 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,400 Speaker 1: sake of another person's feelings or reactions. And that was 98 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:51,680 Speaker 1: explained by Erica Myers, and she's a therapist in the 99 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:55,560 Speaker 1: US at the University of Oregon. This is what else 100 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,320 Speaker 1: she kind of had to say, you might go out 101 00:05:58,320 --> 00:05:59,839 Speaker 1: of your way to do things for the people in 102 00:05:59,839 --> 00:06:03,600 Speaker 1: your life based on what you assume what you assume 103 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:05,640 Speaker 1: they want or need, and you give up your time 104 00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:07,920 Speaker 1: and energy to get them to like you, to get 105 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,719 Speaker 1: them to love you more. And Meyers says that this 106 00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:14,960 Speaker 1: is how people blah blah blah people pleasing. It's a 107 00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,080 Speaker 1: bit of a tongue twist of how people pleasing can 108 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:22,240 Speaker 1: cause trouble. The urge to please others can be damaging 109 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:26,280 Speaker 1: to ourselves and potentially to our relationships when we allow 110 00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:30,520 Speaker 1: other people's wants to have more importance than our own needs, 111 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:33,400 Speaker 1: and when we try to anticipate what others want from 112 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:37,640 Speaker 1: us without trusting that they can advocate for themselves. It's 113 00:06:37,720 --> 00:06:41,400 Speaker 1: a pretty well known rule of thumb that relationships they 114 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,960 Speaker 1: should be equal, give and take. I think that's the 115 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:49,360 Speaker 1: I think the previous overview of people pleasing. It shouldn't 116 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,919 Speaker 1: be taken to mean that you can never offer assistance 117 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,120 Speaker 1: to others because you might be placing your second No, 118 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:59,240 Speaker 1: it's all about balance, baby. What I find really interesting 119 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:03,000 Speaker 1: with people please behaviors is how our brain literally hijacks 120 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:06,400 Speaker 1: itself to not only be better at recognizing other people's 121 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 1: needs over our own, but happy to do things for 122 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:13,280 Speaker 1: others at our own expense. It's so counterintuitive and counter 123 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:16,840 Speaker 1: to kind of an evolutionary idea of survival. So here 124 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:20,239 Speaker 1: are some pretty typical indicators of being a people pleaser. 125 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,760 Speaker 1: Not just someone who's happy to help a friend, a partner, 126 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,280 Speaker 1: or you know, a neighbor out, but a full blown 127 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,560 Speaker 1: people pleaser. So you have a difficult time saying no. 128 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,400 Speaker 1: You're preoccupied with what others might think of you, which 129 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:34,720 Speaker 1: we're going to talk about a lot later on. You 130 00:07:34,760 --> 00:07:37,160 Speaker 1: feel guilty when you have to tell people know. You 131 00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:40,080 Speaker 1: fear that turning people down will make them think that 132 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:43,240 Speaker 1: you are selfish. You agree to things that you don't 133 00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,640 Speaker 1: like or do things that you don't want to do. 134 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,400 Speaker 1: This is really common with some of my friends. You know, 135 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:51,440 Speaker 1: they sign up for things, or they offer to help 136 00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:53,120 Speaker 1: a friend out, and they just really need, you know, 137 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:55,120 Speaker 1: some alone time. It's not what they need to go 138 00:07:55,200 --> 00:07:58,680 Speaker 1: and socialize more. You might struggle with feelings of low 139 00:07:58,720 --> 00:08:01,600 Speaker 1: self esteem. You want people to like you, and you 140 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,400 Speaker 1: feel that doing things for them will in some ways 141 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:08,480 Speaker 1: earn their approval. You're always telling people sorry, and you're 142 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,600 Speaker 1: taking blame for things even when it isn't your fault, 143 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:13,760 Speaker 1: and think about what kind of life that would entail 144 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:17,400 Speaker 1: if you're constantly apologizing for things, always in the guilt 145 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:21,440 Speaker 1: trap our brains have created, or being so preoccupied with 146 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:24,560 Speaker 1: what others think that you can't really ever seem to 147 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:29,560 Speaker 1: consider yourself. And it's no surprise that psychologists and researchers 148 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:33,160 Speaker 1: have found heaps of known links between people pleasing and 149 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:39,160 Speaker 1: disorders like social anxiety OCD and depression. So where does 150 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:42,600 Speaker 1: this type of behavior come from? I want to jump 151 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:46,480 Speaker 1: into some very interesting links later on, mainly around trauma 152 00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:49,440 Speaker 1: and gender, but before then, let's talk about some of 153 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:53,560 Speaker 1: the more typical causes of people pleasing behavior. So firstly, 154 00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:55,959 Speaker 1: and we've talked about this and some of the indicators, 155 00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:59,679 Speaker 1: but poor self esteem. So sometimes people engage in people 156 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:04,160 Speaker 1: please behavior because they don't value their own desires and needs, 157 00:09:04,679 --> 00:09:08,480 Speaker 1: perhaps due to a lack of self confidence. People pleasers 158 00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:12,280 Speaker 1: have a need for external validation and they may feel 159 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:15,800 Speaker 1: that doing things for others will lead to approval and acceptance. 160 00:09:16,679 --> 00:09:20,400 Speaker 1: People pleasing behavior is not always an expression of good will. 161 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:24,600 Speaker 1: It comes from a longing to feel socially secure, and 162 00:09:24,679 --> 00:09:28,040 Speaker 1: it's a symptom of a generalized fear of abandonment, which 163 00:09:28,559 --> 00:09:31,200 Speaker 1: usually comes from the relationships we have with our parents 164 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,840 Speaker 1: or our caregivers, and a general sense of self esteem. 165 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:40,640 Speaker 1: So this other idea in psychology called self efficacy, so 166 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:44,280 Speaker 1: self esteem and self efficacy. Self efficacy, it refers to 167 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:49,559 Speaker 1: an individual's belief in their capacity to execute behaviors necessary 168 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:55,120 Speaker 1: to produce specific performance attainments. So basically, it kind of 169 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:58,920 Speaker 1: reflects your confidence in your ability to exert control over 170 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:02,720 Speaker 1: your own motivation, your social environment, and the health of 171 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:07,000 Speaker 1: your relationship. So what's really interesting about self efficacy is 172 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:11,000 Speaker 1: that researchers haven't yet been able to determine the direction 173 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:14,679 Speaker 1: of that relationship. So whether low or high self efficacy 174 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:19,920 Speaker 1: contributes to people pleasing tendencies more so, on one hand, 175 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:22,680 Speaker 1: if you feel like you do have a lot of 176 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:25,839 Speaker 1: control over the quality of your relationships, you may be 177 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:29,080 Speaker 1: more likely to engage in people pleasing behaviors because that's 178 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:32,640 Speaker 1: one of your tactics for control. But in contrast, feeling 179 00:10:32,679 --> 00:10:35,079 Speaker 1: like you don't have a lot of control may lead 180 00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:39,040 Speaker 1: you to overcompensate and try to constantly help others. If 181 00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:42,640 Speaker 1: anyone has the answers to that conundrum link between self 182 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:47,120 Speaker 1: efficacy and people pleasing behaviors. Please let the psychological community 183 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:52,160 Speaker 1: know they'd be very interested. Perfectionism is another huge, huge 184 00:10:52,240 --> 00:10:56,240 Speaker 1: determining factor of people pleasing. We've talked about this many 185 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:59,079 Speaker 1: times before on the podcast. It comes up all the time, 186 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:02,720 Speaker 1: but some times people want everything to be just so, 187 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:08,240 Speaker 1: including how other people think and feel about them. Helping 188 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:14,000 Speaker 1: others prioritizing them makes you seem more likable and keeps 189 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:17,160 Speaker 1: those people in your life. And this gives the perception 190 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:20,240 Speaker 1: of a perfect social circle and I guess a perfect life. 191 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:24,440 Speaker 1: And people pleading and perfectionism, they both come from the ego. 192 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:29,040 Speaker 1: So for those who aren't so familiar with this Freudian 193 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,680 Speaker 1: idea of the ego, which is different from our normal 194 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,599 Speaker 1: conception of the ego, is like the arrogant part of ourselves. 195 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:40,360 Speaker 1: Let me explain. So, according to Freudian theory, there are 196 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:44,880 Speaker 1: three core elements of the human psyche, the ID, the ego, 197 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,920 Speaker 1: and the super ego. So the ego is who we 198 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,720 Speaker 1: are in the present, it's the reality created by the 199 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:55,320 Speaker 1: behaviors that we express. And the super ego and the 200 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,280 Speaker 1: ID they're kind of like the devil and the angel. 201 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:01,760 Speaker 1: On your shoulder. These super ego represents pure morality and 202 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:05,760 Speaker 1: what society would expect us to do, and the super 203 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,880 Speaker 1: ego is part of the unconscious mind of the psyche 204 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,320 Speaker 1: that is kind of the voice of conscience and doing 205 00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:14,040 Speaker 1: what is right, and this also the source of self criticism. 206 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:19,319 Speaker 1: In contrast, the sniky little id is the primitive, instinctive 207 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:24,800 Speaker 1: component of your personality. It's where intrusive thoughts come from. 208 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:28,559 Speaker 1: It contains like our urges, our impulses, and it's where 209 00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:33,720 Speaker 1: Freud argues our immediate reactions are born. So then we 210 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,959 Speaker 1: arrive at the ego. And the ego is the part 211 00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,920 Speaker 1: of your mind that cares about what others think, and 212 00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:42,240 Speaker 1: it is kind of involved in that balancing act between 213 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:44,839 Speaker 1: our pure morals that have been conditioned into us by 214 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:48,840 Speaker 1: society and then what we really want to do. And 215 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:52,240 Speaker 1: it's what the ego is, what we are aware of 216 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,880 Speaker 1: when we think about ourselves, and it's what we usually 217 00:12:54,880 --> 00:12:59,280 Speaker 1: try to project towards others. So this is where people 218 00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaker 1: please behaviors come from. It comes from the part of 219 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,800 Speaker 1: our brain or our mind that recognizes that we can 220 00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:09,560 Speaker 1: be perceived by others and wants people to like what 221 00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:14,400 Speaker 1: they see. Because of that, because of that recognition of perception, 222 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,560 Speaker 1: we strive to make others happy. And when our ego 223 00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:21,600 Speaker 1: doesn't strike the balance or the correct balance between the 224 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,280 Speaker 1: super ego and the id, the side of us that 225 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,880 Speaker 1: makes it hard to say no and seeks excessive validation 226 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:33,240 Speaker 1: obsessively visibly from others, obsessively from others. Yes, that's the 227 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:37,880 Speaker 1: part that kind of rules its head. And like I said, perfectionism, 228 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,040 Speaker 1: it's a pretty cool aspect link to people pleasing. But 229 00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:44,120 Speaker 1: there is another aspect that's super common amongst those of 230 00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:47,120 Speaker 1: us who are more concerned with making others happy, and 231 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:53,480 Speaker 1: it's called sociotrophy. Sociotrophy is the tendency to place an 232 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:58,440 Speaker 1: inordinate value on our relationships over personal independence. So it's 233 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:02,319 Speaker 1: in direct contrast to I guess excessive independence or autonomy, 234 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:06,000 Speaker 1: which is a concern with personal achievement and control over 235 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:09,120 Speaker 1: your daily life rather than what other people think of you. 236 00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:14,000 Speaker 1: So people with this trait sociotrophy, tend to have strong 237 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:17,200 Speaker 1: needs for social acceptance, which is what causes them to 238 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:20,800 Speaker 1: be overly nurturant towards people who they may not even 239 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:24,040 Speaker 1: have a close relationship with, or people they might not 240 00:14:24,200 --> 00:14:28,320 Speaker 1: even like. And we can really see from kind of 241 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:33,000 Speaker 1: a very basic viewpoint why a personality trait such as 242 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:36,120 Speaker 1: this would make you more predisposed to people pleasing and 243 00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:40,320 Speaker 1: that constant kind of agreeableness for the sake of others, 244 00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:44,240 Speaker 1: whilst not specifically linked to people pleasing, but something interesting 245 00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:49,160 Speaker 1: nonetheless is understanding this character trait. So people with sociotrophy, 246 00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:52,800 Speaker 1: they also tend to react really differently than those low 247 00:14:52,880 --> 00:14:56,480 Speaker 1: on this trait in situations that involve self control. So 248 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,240 Speaker 1: in one experiment, they had people who were rated high 249 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:03,080 Speaker 1: on the trait sociotrophy share a meal with another person 250 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:07,280 Speaker 1: who was actually an actor, and this actor was instructed 251 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,440 Speaker 1: to either overeat, under eat, or not eat at all. 252 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:15,480 Speaker 1: Sociotropic individuals in this experiment they consume more food or 253 00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:19,200 Speaker 1: they try and match appears eating habits when they believe 254 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:22,960 Speaker 1: that doing so will make that person the actor, feel 255 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:27,000 Speaker 1: more comfortable, and this is often hypothesized as being the 256 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:30,840 Speaker 1: result of the individual attempting to achieve social approval and 257 00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:36,120 Speaker 1: avoid social rejection. The social pressure and dependence can cause 258 00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,960 Speaker 1: a loss of self control in an individual, especially if 259 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:44,400 Speaker 1: they are unaware of their desire for social acceptance. Now. Crucially, 260 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:49,280 Speaker 1: sociotrophy has been correlated with feminine or female sex role 261 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:54,760 Speaker 1: orientations in many research experiments again and again, and naturally, 262 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:58,720 Speaker 1: the prevalence of people pleasing behaviors show a similar correlation, 263 00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:03,800 Speaker 1: So people pleasing is more commonly presented in women over men, 264 00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:07,680 Speaker 1: which I think we could probably have assumed. One recent 265 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,920 Speaker 1: study found this behavior to be exhibited in the majority 266 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:14,880 Speaker 1: of female participants fifty nine percent, whilst only a minority 267 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:19,480 Speaker 1: of men I think around thirty eight percent showed similar tendencies. 268 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:24,360 Speaker 1: As a result, women are suffering from greater adverse effects 269 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:28,400 Speaker 1: on both their mental and physical health from these behaviors. 270 00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:32,360 Speaker 1: The pressure that women feel to be people pleases is 271 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:35,720 Speaker 1: very real, and it comes from a lot of historical 272 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:40,480 Speaker 1: norms around female behavior and their role in society. Women 273 00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:44,440 Speaker 1: are conditioned really early to be caregivers and more generous 274 00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:48,840 Speaker 1: with their time and energy because of their expectant future 275 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:52,040 Speaker 1: role as mothers. Even if you don't have children, you 276 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:55,400 Speaker 1: see how other women in society act and the amount 277 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:59,479 Speaker 1: of sacrifices they're asked to make compared to their male counterparts, 278 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,560 Speaker 1: and a lot of these sacrifices are tied to people 279 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:07,199 Speaker 1: pleasing behaviors. This is entirely anecdotal, but a lot of 280 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:11,160 Speaker 1: my female friends they struggle saying no. They struggle establishing 281 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:14,960 Speaker 1: boundaries at work with partners and their friends, never having 282 00:17:15,040 --> 00:17:17,800 Speaker 1: free time because they always have things to do with 283 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,639 Speaker 1: or for other people. And I'm not saying it's a 284 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:24,159 Speaker 1: purely gendered thing, but the research doesn't lie. You know, 285 00:17:24,359 --> 00:17:26,920 Speaker 1: it's a man's world. Women are just holding it up 286 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:33,760 Speaker 1: without people pleasing behaviors. People pleasing behaviors, As we've kind 287 00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,480 Speaker 1: of mentioned, they often lead to people taking advantage of you, 288 00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:39,600 Speaker 1: which is why our twenties are such a formative year 289 00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:44,959 Speaker 1: for setting those boundaries and putting ourselves first. Some people 290 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:49,520 Speaker 1: are really good, specifically sociopaths and narcissists. They're really good 291 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:53,240 Speaker 1: at recognizing and taking advantage of people who display people 292 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:57,160 Speaker 1: pleasing tendencies. They may not be able to name their behavior, 293 00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,760 Speaker 1: but they do know that you'll agree to whatever they 294 00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:02,640 Speaker 1: are so they'll keep on asking and you keep saying 295 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:05,320 Speaker 1: yes because you want to keep them happy. And this 296 00:18:05,359 --> 00:18:08,840 Speaker 1: can put you at higher risk of manipulation or mental 297 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,800 Speaker 1: or emotional abuse, even financial problems if people ask you 298 00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:17,240 Speaker 1: for monetary assistance, We've talked about this a bit as well, 299 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:20,600 Speaker 1: but it can also be a real challenge to establishing healthy, 300 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:26,600 Speaker 1: long term relationships. Healthy strong, especially romantic relationships. They're balanced 301 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:29,800 Speaker 1: and they involve give and take. You do nice things 302 00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:33,120 Speaker 1: for your loved ones and they do the same for you. 303 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:37,040 Speaker 1: You probably won't have very fulfilling romantic relationships when you 304 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:40,520 Speaker 1: feel like people will only like you if you do nice, 305 00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:45,280 Speaker 1: excessive things for them affection. It's not a commodity. When 306 00:18:45,359 --> 00:18:48,320 Speaker 1: all you do is give to others to present yourself 307 00:18:48,359 --> 00:18:51,200 Speaker 1: as the person you think they want, you're not showing 308 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:55,000 Speaker 1: up in the relationship as yourself, and it's difficult to maintain, 309 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:59,080 Speaker 1: much less feel satisfied with when you aren't actually present 310 00:18:59,119 --> 00:19:02,520 Speaker 1: in your relationship. Also, i'm super super sorry if you've 311 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,840 Speaker 1: had to learn this the hard way. But giving everything 312 00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:08,320 Speaker 1: to other people, especially a partner or someone you love, 313 00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,800 Speaker 1: thinking it will make them love you, doing things for them, 314 00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:14,959 Speaker 1: going out of your way to constantly serve them, teaching 315 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:17,680 Speaker 1: them things, buying them things, letting them walk all over 316 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:21,720 Speaker 1: you will never convince them to love you more. And 317 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,960 Speaker 1: I know that can be where some of these people 318 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,959 Speaker 1: pleasing behaviors in romantic relationships can come from because you 319 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,840 Speaker 1: think that if you give more and sacrifice more for 320 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:34,200 Speaker 1: their happiness, you'll become someone they can't live without. They'll 321 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:37,320 Speaker 1: turn around, they'll recognize how amazing you are. And it's 322 00:19:37,359 --> 00:19:39,119 Speaker 1: just never going to be the case. I've learned this 323 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:42,359 Speaker 1: time and time again. It never changes. Either they don't 324 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:44,960 Speaker 1: recognize it, or they just assume that you like doing it. 325 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:48,800 Speaker 1: I guess none of this is looking particularly pretty, I know, 326 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:51,080 Speaker 1: So how do we change it and get out of 327 00:19:51,080 --> 00:20:00,399 Speaker 1: our own way with these people pleasing tendencies? Firstly, show 328 00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:04,760 Speaker 1: kindness when you mean it. It's perfectly fine and even 329 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:08,320 Speaker 1: a really good thing for your mental health to practice kindness. 330 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:12,160 Speaker 1: But kindness it doesn't come from a desire to earn approval, 331 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:15,760 Speaker 1: and it generally doesn't involve any motive beyond wanting to 332 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:19,919 Speaker 1: make things better for someone else. Before you offer words 333 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:24,320 Speaker 1: of affirmation or help, consider your intentions and how that 334 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:27,160 Speaker 1: act will make you feel. Does the opportunity to help 335 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:30,359 Speaker 1: someone else bring you joy or do you think it's 336 00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,280 Speaker 1: going to make you resentful or you're going to feel unappreciated. 337 00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:38,240 Speaker 1: Practice putting yourself first. You need energy and emotional resources 338 00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:41,120 Speaker 1: to help others and if you don't take care of yourself, 339 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,439 Speaker 1: you won't be able or capable of doing anything for 340 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:49,040 Speaker 1: anyone else in the future. Putting your needs first isn't selfish, 341 00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:52,159 Speaker 1: it's actually quite healthy. You know, it's okay to be 342 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:55,119 Speaker 1: a giving, caring person, but it's also important to honor 343 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,760 Speaker 1: and tend to our own needs. Keep in mind that 344 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:02,159 Speaker 1: needs can involve things like offering your opinion in a 345 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,560 Speaker 1: work meeting, getting comfortable with your emotions and feelings, and 346 00:21:05,680 --> 00:21:08,600 Speaker 1: asking for what you need in your relationship. That can 347 00:21:08,640 --> 00:21:11,600 Speaker 1: sometimes do more good than bad. Speaking up for yourself, 348 00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:13,920 Speaker 1: and not just more good for yourself, but more good 349 00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,600 Speaker 1: for those around you if they know where you stand. 350 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:21,760 Speaker 1: We've set it again and again, but learn to set boundaries. So, 351 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:26,560 Speaker 1: according to this psychologist Myers, developing healthy boundaries is a 352 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:30,639 Speaker 1: pretty important step, not just an overcoming people pleasing behaviors, 353 00:21:30,640 --> 00:21:33,920 Speaker 1: but for setting up any kind of healthy, long term relationship. 354 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:37,640 Speaker 1: The next time someone asks for help or you're attempted 355 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,760 Speaker 1: to intervene, consider three things. How do you feel about 356 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,240 Speaker 1: the action? Is it something you want to do? Or 357 00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,159 Speaker 1: are you dreading it? You can always just say no, 358 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,920 Speaker 1: You can always back out. You don't owe your time 359 00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,480 Speaker 1: or your energy to anyone but yourself. Think about whether 360 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,000 Speaker 1: you have time to see to your own needs first. 361 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:59,159 Speaker 1: Will you have to sacrifice your own time or a 362 00:21:59,280 --> 00:22:02,959 Speaker 1: necessary or something you're looking forward to to helping this 363 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:07,000 Speaker 1: other person? And how will helping make you feel? Will 364 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:08,639 Speaker 1: it make you feel happy or will it make you 365 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:12,960 Speaker 1: feel resentful? Finally, wait until you are asked for help, 366 00:22:13,080 --> 00:22:15,760 Speaker 1: no matter what the problem is. You know, if you're 367 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,920 Speaker 1: a people pleaser, you're always ready with a solution. You 368 00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:22,280 Speaker 1: volunteer for things of work, jump in with suggestions when 369 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:25,040 Speaker 1: a friend mentions any kind of problem, offer to help 370 00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:28,720 Speaker 1: them out next time. Challenge yourself to wait until someone 371 00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:32,120 Speaker 1: explicitly asks you for help. If your partner I don't 372 00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:34,240 Speaker 1: know it, goes off on a rant about how awful 373 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:37,439 Speaker 1: their boss is or how shitty one of their friends is, 374 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:41,679 Speaker 1: show how much you care by listening instead of listing 375 00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:44,199 Speaker 1: off tips to deal with the situation or offering to 376 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,880 Speaker 1: do something that they might not even need you to do. 377 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:51,080 Speaker 1: They may want empathy and just validation more than anything else, 378 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:55,840 Speaker 1: and probably involves a lot less from you financially, personally 379 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:58,680 Speaker 1: in terms of your time, and a lot of other 380 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:07,000 Speaker 1: limited resources. I hope you enjoyed this more bite sized episode. 381 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,359 Speaker 1: I'm trying to get into the habit of kind of 382 00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:14,160 Speaker 1: varying how long the episodes are, like shorter, longer. That's 383 00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:17,200 Speaker 1: literally what I just said. But you get my gist, 384 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:19,439 Speaker 1: just so that there's a bit of variety and you 385 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:21,960 Speaker 1: don't have to sit back and listen to some fifty 386 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:26,040 Speaker 1: minute ramble about things you might not even care about. 387 00:23:26,119 --> 00:23:29,760 Speaker 1: Get to the point, Gemma, I understand. Next week we're 388 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,720 Speaker 1: going to talk about love languages. I have been discussing 389 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:35,520 Speaker 1: this with my friends for years, and I kind of 390 00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:38,840 Speaker 1: started to think whether they're valid, whether they're actually a 391 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:43,440 Speaker 1: reliable tool for assessing what you need in a relationship. 392 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:47,320 Speaker 1: We're doing a lot of relationship based podcasts at the moment. 393 00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:50,520 Speaker 1: I also just realized that recently as well. I don't know, 394 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,920 Speaker 1: I'm just really into the social psychology at the moment. 395 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:58,360 Speaker 1: It's just really quite tantalizing and very interesting. Hence why 396 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:01,760 Speaker 1: you're seeing a lot more of those people focused episodes 397 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:05,080 Speaker 1: on your feed. If you don't like it, that's okay. 398 00:24:05,800 --> 00:24:09,840 Speaker 1: More of the positivism and more of the biological psychologies 399 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,720 Speaker 1: coming back soon. But this is a podcast about your 400 00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:15,360 Speaker 1: twenties and the relationships we form in our twenties are 401 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:19,800 Speaker 1: I think probably one of the most important aspects. Also, 402 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,080 Speaker 1: I say this every episode, but if you have made 403 00:24:22,080 --> 00:24:26,280 Speaker 1: it this far, please if you feel inclined, if you 404 00:24:26,359 --> 00:24:31,240 Speaker 1: have a few extra five seconds, really five seconds, ten seconds, 405 00:24:32,440 --> 00:24:35,840 Speaker 1: leave the podcast or review on either Spotify or Apple Podcasts. 406 00:24:36,119 --> 00:24:37,840 Speaker 1: But if you don't want to do it, if you 407 00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:42,119 Speaker 1: think that that's going to reinforce any people pleasing tendencies, 408 00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:45,720 Speaker 1: don't do it. You know, set those boundaries. You don't 409 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:49,280 Speaker 1: own me anything, but it would be very nice and 410 00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:52,679 Speaker 1: thank you for listening, Thanks for supporting the podcast as always, 411 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,360 Speaker 1: drop a line in on the website or on Instagram 412 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,119 Speaker 1: if you have any ideas that you really want me 413 00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:00,600 Speaker 1: to kind of look into. I love doing the research 414 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,720 Speaker 1: kind of more than I like recording in the episodes. 415 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,840 Speaker 1: At the moment, I've got all of these amazing papers 416 00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:09,240 Speaker 1: saved in my browser that I'm just trying to get 417 00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:12,880 Speaker 1: through to make these kind of evidence based as they 418 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:16,919 Speaker 1: have typically been. So Yeah, if there's anything else you 419 00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,840 Speaker 1: want to add to that part or please feel free 420 00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:22,080 Speaker 1: to do so. And have an amazing week weekend wherever 421 00:25:22,119 --> 00:25:23,959 Speaker 1: you are in the world, and thank you for listening