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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to another new episode of couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is Kat

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Speaker 1: and couch Talks is the special bonus episode of You

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Speaker 1: Need Therapy where I answer questions that you guys sent

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Speaker 1: to me and you can send those to me through

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Speaker 1: email at Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. Now,

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Speaker 1: as always, this podcast never serves as a replacement or

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Speaker 1: a substitute for actual mental health services. Although these things

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Speaker 1: that you learn and here and experience might help you

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Speaker 1: along the way in your journey to figuring out what

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Speaker 1: you need and might help you along the way and

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Speaker 1: figuring out if you want to go to therapy or

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Speaker 1: what you want to talk about in therapy and all

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Speaker 1: of that, so they can be helpful, but these aren't

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Speaker 1: actual mental health services. Now, as always couch Talks, I

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Speaker 1: try to keep it on the format of reading one

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Speaker 1: listener question and then talking about it and give some

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Speaker 1: feedback and insight and maybe offer some questions that might

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Speaker 1: help whatever it is that the listener is writing into

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Speaker 1: me um with. And sometimes I go off the format,

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Speaker 1: and sometimes I just do what I want. But today,

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Speaker 1: for the second week in a row, we are going

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Speaker 1: to stick on that. So I am going to read

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Speaker 1: a email that I got from a listener, and then

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Speaker 1: we're going to talk about it. So here is an email. Hey, Kat,

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Speaker 1: one of my close friends as a habit of always

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Speaker 1: trying to find a bright side when it comes to

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Speaker 1: the rest of us going through something. For example, I

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Speaker 1: recently found out that I didn't get a job I wanted,

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Speaker 1: and her response was, at least you still have a job.

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Speaker 1: And another friend broke her leg and we'll be in

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Speaker 1: the cast for the summer, and she said, well, at

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Speaker 1: least you won't have to have surgery. I'm absolutely sure

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Speaker 1: she means well. She is one of the nicest people

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Speaker 1: you could ever meet, and she'd be horrified to think

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Speaker 1: that this positivity is at the least bordering on toxic

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Speaker 1: and is not being received in the way that I'm

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Speaker 1: sure she means it, which is why I have no

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Speaker 1: idea how to approach it with her. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to hurt her feelings or make her think that she

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Speaker 1: can't say anything when her friends are going through something.

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Speaker 1: I'd have no problem telling her why it's not helpful

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Speaker 1: if I thought she was being intentionally hurtful, But I

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Speaker 1: am confident that she's not, So how do I gently

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Speaker 1: tell her I just want a little empathy and space event,

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Speaker 1: not a bright side that feels like it diminishes what

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Speaker 1: I'm feeling. So this is such a good question and

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Speaker 1: something that I think is important to talk about over

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Speaker 1: and over because it's a tough subject and it is

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Speaker 1: coming up over and over and more and more because

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Speaker 1: of kind of the state of the world and how

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Speaker 1: the world is progressing. I did a whole episode titled

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Speaker 1: is My Positivity Toxic? A couple of months ago, maybe

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Speaker 1: last year, because in the past couple of years there

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Speaker 1: has been an increase in this positivity that borders invalidating,

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Speaker 1: And because of this, then there's the secondary fear of

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Speaker 1: being too positive, and so it's become this like black

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Speaker 1: or white thing, like we have too much positive ativity

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Speaker 1: or we're not allowed to have any at all. And

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Speaker 1: it's tough. It's really hard to discern like what's right,

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Speaker 1: what's appropriate? Um, when am I being helpful? When am

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Speaker 1: I being hurtful? Especially because we're also different, and what

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Speaker 1: might be really helpful for one person may not be

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Speaker 1: helpful to someone else, and that can be really hard

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Speaker 1: to actually understand. That's a really easy sentence for me

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Speaker 1: to say, and I think it's a really easy sentence

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Speaker 1: to hear. But when it comes down to it, I

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Speaker 1: think it's really hard to like sit with and hold

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Speaker 1: what might be really helpful to one person might not

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Speaker 1: be helpful to someone else. Now, what actually bugs me

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Speaker 1: about the toxic positivity stuff is how it's portrayed these

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Speaker 1: days and that it's in this light that is discussed

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Speaker 1: in this idea, that it's mean and people that who

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Speaker 1: are toxically positive or bad And most of the time,

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Speaker 1: not all the time, but most of the time, I

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Speaker 1: believe people who do come off as toxically positive, and

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Speaker 1: people who do spread positivity that actually feels toxic, I

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Speaker 1: think most of the time they're coming from a good place,

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Speaker 1: which is one reason I love this email so much.

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Speaker 1: There is so much understanding that this person isn't meaning

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Speaker 1: to say something harmful. It's just not what this person

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Speaker 1: needs to hear. And so this question is more about

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Speaker 1: how do I learn how to ask for what I

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Speaker 1: need and how do I learn how to share with

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Speaker 1: my friend what is helpful and what is hurtful versus

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Speaker 1: how do I tell my friend that she's being bad

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Speaker 1: or wrong? Which when we approach things from that perspective,

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Speaker 1: they are so much easier to receive and to hold.

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Speaker 1: And I can receive feed feedback all day long when

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Speaker 1: it's coming from a place a love and care like this,

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Speaker 1: rather than like calling me out for being like a

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Speaker 1: bad person. Now, often this feedback is given because we

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Speaker 1: want to help people. We want to pull them out

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Speaker 1: of their feelings that are uncomfortable. We want to make

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Speaker 1: people feel better generally. And what sometimes it's tough to

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Speaker 1: realize or believe is that sometimes it feels better to

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Speaker 1: sit in the crap and feel the weight of it

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Speaker 1: for a little bit than to just ignore it. And

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Speaker 1: it doesn't mean we need to sit in it forever,

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Speaker 1: but there's pow are and fully feeling our experiences, not

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Speaker 1: to punish ourselves, but to validate what it is that

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Speaker 1: we are going through. When we push the glass half

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Speaker 1: full agenda, I think sometimes we forget that at the

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Speaker 1: same time, it still is half empty no matter what

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Speaker 1: way you look at it. Both of those things are

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Speaker 1: true at the same time. So in this case, and

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Speaker 1: one of the examples that this listener gave, Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: have a job that I'm grateful for totally and at

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Speaker 1: the same time, I'm still really sad and I am

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Speaker 1: grieving this opportunity that I was excited about, and I

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Speaker 1: need a little space to sit in that. Right now,

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Speaker 1: we have research, like the world has research. There's plenty

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Speaker 1: of it. You can just do a quick search and

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Speaker 1: you'll find as much as you need that proves that

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Speaker 1: speaking positively about ourselves and our experiences in our lives

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Speaker 1: does improve desired outcomes that we have. And I think

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Speaker 1: that this can look different than what might just pop

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Speaker 1: into someone's head when we think about what speaking and

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Speaker 1: talking and taking on a more optimistic outlook, its like

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Speaker 1: like just saying my life is great, God is good,

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Speaker 1: Everything's awesome, and just focusing on all the good things

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Speaker 1: might not be the move. I think that we can

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Speaker 1: say things like I'm really sad and disappointed in this experience,

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Speaker 1: and I believe I am still capable of being satisfied

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Speaker 1: in the future. And I think we can say things

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Speaker 1: like this is really hard for me and I don't

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Speaker 1: know how I'm going to move through it, and at

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Speaker 1: the same time, I do know that I'm capable of

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Speaker 1: moving through it. Those two things are are optimistic, those

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Speaker 1: two things are positive. So I think that positivity can

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Speaker 1: look like honesty. We don't have to ignore or push

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Speaker 1: aside things to to sit in a positive light. We

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Speaker 1: can be honest and look at the realness of the world.

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Speaker 1: We just need space to focus on both separately. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: now this listener is asking, how do I gently tell

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Speaker 1: my friend that I just want a little empathy and

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Speaker 1: space event I need some space to honor this one

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Speaker 1: side of the truth right now, not a bright side

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Speaker 1: that feels like it kind of diminishes this side of

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Speaker 1: the true for me, because I mean, going back to

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Speaker 1: one of my favorite things to remind people, we can't

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Speaker 1: heal things that we ignore, right, We can't move through

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Speaker 1: things we refuse to acknowledge. And so if there is sadness,

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Speaker 1: there is disappointment, there is whatever it is, we have

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Speaker 1: to acknowledge it for us to actually be able to

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Speaker 1: process it and move through it. If we're not doing that,

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Speaker 1: then we're just stuffing it somewhere and it's going to

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Speaker 1: come outside ways, or it's going to end up creating

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Speaker 1: some belief system or hurtful inner dialogue if we're not

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Speaker 1: actually peeling through those layers. So how do I do that?

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Speaker 1: How do I tell my friend this, and honestly, I

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Speaker 1: think just kind of like what you said. It really

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Speaker 1: doesn't have to be any more complicated than that. I

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Speaker 1: think it can be really helpful to just say, like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm looking for this right now, do you have a

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Speaker 1: second You can start with us in the beginning of conversations,

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Speaker 1: when when you're going to a friend for validation, you

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Speaker 1: can actually say, Hey, I need to vent about something.

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Speaker 1: And honestly, I know you're a glass half full kind

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Speaker 1: of person and I really value that about you, and

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Speaker 1: at some point I'm going to really need you to

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Speaker 1: help me see that side. However, right now, I really

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Speaker 1: need space to just feel what I'm feeling right now.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to feel better about it. I don't

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Speaker 1: want to feel different. I just want space to feel

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Speaker 1: it and maybe complain and get all the things out

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Speaker 1: of my head. I'll even personally text or call a

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Speaker 1: friend and say like, hey, I need to be validated

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Speaker 1: for a second, so can you just listen to me

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Speaker 1: and don't give me any feedback. I just want you

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Speaker 1: to say that makes sense, and I want you to

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Speaker 1: remind me that my feelings are real, and I think

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Speaker 1: it's okay to say that I think it's really powerful

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Speaker 1: to be able to ask for exactly what we need

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Speaker 1: versus come to our friends and then hope that they

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Speaker 1: give us what we're looking for. And also for those

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Speaker 1: on the listening side who are having their friends come

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Speaker 1: to them, it can be very powerful. When our friends

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Speaker 1: don't exactly ask for what they need directly, it can

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Speaker 1: be really powerful to ask them. If they don't say that,

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Speaker 1: if they don't tell us this is what I'm looking for,

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Speaker 1: it can be really power ful to ask them instead

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Speaker 1: of just offering what you might need or what you

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Speaker 1: might want, or what makes you feel less uncomfortable or

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Speaker 1: awkward in that situation. Sometimes your friends might reply, I

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Speaker 1: want you to help me see this is not the

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Speaker 1: end of the world. And sometimes your friends might reply,

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Speaker 1: I want you to just help me see that this

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Speaker 1: is not the end of the world, and I want

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Speaker 1: you to help me see other perspectives. And sometimes they

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Speaker 1: might say, I just want you to listen. That's all

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Speaker 1: I really need you to do, is just like listen

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Speaker 1: and just let me kind of like word vomit on you.

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Speaker 1: I think there's this like underlying expectation when somebody comes

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Speaker 1: to us that they're coming to us and then we

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Speaker 1: have to fix the issue. And I don't think that's

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Speaker 1: what's happening all the time. I think sometimes people are

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Speaker 1: coming to us and they don't want the issue to

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Speaker 1: be fixed. They just want the issue to be acknowledged,

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Speaker 1: and so maybe we're just acknowledging what it is is

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Speaker 1: happening for them and their experience that feels real to

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Speaker 1: them at that moment. Again, there is a time for

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Speaker 1: the bright side. We need that, we need hope, and

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Speaker 1: we need to be able to pull ourselves out of

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Speaker 1: victim mindsets and learn how to use our experiences when

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Speaker 1: that's possible, rather than just like burying ourselves and our experiences.

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Speaker 1: But giving our friends the ability to learn when that

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Speaker 1: time is can be really helpful and giving ourselves like

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Speaker 1: a break, right, So when a friend is coming to us,

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Speaker 1: it's okay to give ourselves a break and say, like,

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Speaker 1: it's not my job to fix this. They didn't ask

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Speaker 1: me to, and if they did ask me to, I

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Speaker 1: don't know if I even could. But it's not my

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Speaker 1: job to fix this, and it's my job to ask

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Speaker 1: my friends what it is that they need and to

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Speaker 1: be there for them and give them that if it's

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Speaker 1: something that I um in my moral compass, value system

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Speaker 1: and my abilities is able to give. And that's just

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Speaker 1: a long winded way for me to say that a

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Speaker 1: really gentle way, in a kind way to ask for

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Speaker 1: what you need in these spaces is just to say that, hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm looking for this blank And I think also if

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Speaker 1: you ask for that, because I think sometimes this happens

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Speaker 1: to if you ask for that and it's continued to

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Speaker 1: like not be respected, maybe there's still some like feedback

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Speaker 1: you're not ready to hear yet offer like, hey, I

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Speaker 1: get that, and I value that part of you that

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Speaker 1: is able to see a perspective that I can't see

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Speaker 1: right now. However, at this moment, like I can't receive that,

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Speaker 1: so can you kind of just like validate my experience

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Speaker 1: for the moment, and then when if I want to

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Speaker 1: hear those things, I'll ask you to remind me those

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Speaker 1: things in like a week. But right now I kind

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Speaker 1: of just need somebody to sit with me and be

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Speaker 1: sad with me, because this is something that really was painful.

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Speaker 1: So I hope that was helpful. And y'all, I know

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Speaker 1: this toxic positivity stuff is going to continue to be confusing,

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Speaker 1: and I think again like the theme that I hear

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Speaker 1: in my head over and over again, and the theme

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Speaker 1: that I feel like I say over and over again,

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Speaker 1: and I talked myself in circle. Is a way to

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Speaker 1: avoid toxic positivity is to offer agency back to the

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Speaker 1: people that we're with, ask them what they're looking for,

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Speaker 1: rather than to give them what we think that they

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Speaker 1: might need, or again give them what is going to

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Speaker 1: make us feel less uncomfortable. I hope you guys are

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Speaker 1: having the week you need to have or the day

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Speaker 1: you need to have, and I will be back talking

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Speaker 1: to you guys on Monday. H