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Speaker 3: All right, I'm gonna get right into this one this
Speaker 3: week because it's a long one, but we got details.
Speaker 3: I'm gonna give it somebody. I'm gonna read it like
Speaker 3: our would our book No Holds Barred. Okay, make sure
Speaker 3: you are order that now and get your tickets for
Speaker 3: the tour nhbtour dot com. Okay, let's get into this, girl,
Speaker 3: if you ever want a detail, if you ever want
Speaker 3: a backstory, we get in it today.
Speaker 1: High decisions Decisions.
Speaker 3: So I'm in my first series relationship and I've been
Speaker 3: feeling stuck for a while now. Also, do not roll
Speaker 3: y'all eyes when I read her age. I'm twenty two
Speaker 3: and my boyfriend is twenty six. We've been together for
Speaker 3: several years and we live together now. He's had other
Speaker 3: relationships before, but I lost my virginity to him. While
Speaker 3: I care about him a lot, I'm starting to feel
Speaker 3: like I'm the only one putting in the effort when
Speaker 3: it comes to intimacy, both emotional and physical. To give
Speaker 3: you some background, this isn't something new. It's been It's
Speaker 3: been an ongoing issue for a while, and I'm feeling
Speaker 3: more frustrated. I've tried talking to him multiple times about
Speaker 3: how I'm not getting my needs met, but it feels
Speaker 3: like nothing changes. For example, I've expressed to him that
Speaker 3: I want him to put more effort into our intimacy.
Speaker 3: I've told him that I want him to reciprocate, like
Speaker 3: when we're being intimate. I want him to give me
Speaker 3: oral too, or at least engage in four play in
Speaker 3: a way that feels mutual. He'll sometimes reply, well, it
Speaker 3: wasn't a problem before, and if we didn't get together
Speaker 3: when we were teenagers, or as if I can't want
Speaker 3: different or have different needs for our relationship and myself.
Speaker 3: He has given me oral a few times over the years,
Speaker 3: but it's not as often as I would like.
Speaker 1: And when I've brought this up, he says he's fine
Speaker 1: with it.
Speaker 3: I've asked him directly if he just doesn't like doing
Speaker 3: it or something, or if something's wrong with me that
Speaker 3: I should know, and he always assures me there's nothing wrong.
Speaker 3: But even when we talk about sex, he'll smile and
Speaker 3: we'll talk about the things we'll do to each other,
Speaker 3: but it just doesn't follow through like i'd hope. I've
Speaker 3: expressed that I want to feel wanted and desired in
Speaker 3: this way, but it often feels like he just isn't
Speaker 3: putting in the same energy. There's also a pattern where
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells because of
Speaker 3: past mistakes, especially something that happened years ago when I
Speaker 3: kissed another guy in front of him.
Speaker 1: Oh girl, what she said.
Speaker 3: I was young and it was a mistake, a bad decision,
Speaker 3: but it feels like but it feels like.
Speaker 1: He's still holding onto it.
Speaker 3: It's hard because sometimes I feel like he's using it
Speaker 3: as a reason to withhold affection or intimacy from me. Now,
Speaker 3: if you will like more details or background off with this,
Speaker 3: I could share. If you like gery, you wrote enough,
Speaker 3: all right, keep going. The most recent incident that happened
Speaker 3: was we were both in bed. I was rubbing on
Speaker 3: his back. He guides my hand to his dick, so
Speaker 3: of course I get excited and I start to rub
Speaker 3: on him. I'm telling him things in his ear. I'm
Speaker 3: starting to think of all the things he can do
Speaker 3: to me. He pulls my shirt down, grabs my boobs.
Speaker 3: I'm getting excited. I'm inching my way closer to his body,
Speaker 3: wanting him to touch me below.
Speaker 1: He doesn't, but I'm getting wet.
Speaker 3: Moments passed, he's finally but slowly moving his hand to
Speaker 3: the rim of my shorts. I'm thinking, yes, finally touch
Speaker 3: me there, but he doesn't. He moves his hand away
Speaker 3: and over his head. I know he's enjoying it because
Speaker 3: he was grunting and his dick was hard as fuck.
Speaker 3: But now I'm back in my head again and instead
Speaker 3: of thinking of all the things he can do to me,
Speaker 3: I'm thinking why he isn't doing the things I want
Speaker 3: him to. He eventually puts his dick in me, but
Speaker 3: it doesn't feel like he even wants to have sex
Speaker 3: with me for pleasure of both of us, but solely
Speaker 3: for the pleasure of him. I try to redirect my thoughts.
Speaker 3: He finishes, wipes me, then rubs on my legs. As
Speaker 3: he's rubbing my legs, I ask him if he could
Speaker 3: return the favor, and he replies, I'm going to sleep,
Speaker 3: so out of frustration, I use the vibrator to take
Speaker 3: care of myself right next to him in bed.
Speaker 1: Honestly, I'm wondering that was too harsh, But I.
Speaker 3: Was just so annoyed and frustrated because I feel like
Speaker 3: he's not even trying. During this particular incident, I was sick,
Speaker 3: so when I took out the vibrator to use on myself,
Speaker 3: he said, you don't seem sick now, and I replied,
Speaker 3: I'm sick, but my vagina isn't that.
Speaker 1: He was mad. He grabbed his pillow in a cover
Speaker 1: girl and slept on the couch. Can I be honest,
Speaker 1: hold on, were I don't know.
Speaker 3: They we'll see this was not the first time something
Speaker 3: has happened like this. When he finishes and I don't,
Speaker 3: I sometimes as to be taken care of.
Speaker 1: He'll say he's going to.
Speaker 3: Sleep, actually falls asleep, or just instantly get mad that
Speaker 3: I'm asking. Normally, I'll just go to the bathroom and
Speaker 3: finish quietly, hold in my saved hold it in, save
Speaker 3: my energy, and go to sleep or speak up, but
Speaker 3: then we'll end up arguing. Unfortunately, there are times where
Speaker 3: I'm satisfied by just giving, but the times I feel
Speaker 3: like I need more and he doesn't reciprocate is my issue.
Speaker 1: Lately, I've been feeling emotionally drained.
Speaker 3: I even ended up crying while finishing myself off, which
Speaker 3: has never happened before. I don't know if it's just
Speaker 3: because of the high emotions or because of how he's
Speaker 3: not meeting my needs. So here's where I'm struggling, and
Speaker 3: here are the questions we're going to help her answer. Weezy,
Speaker 3: Am I in the right for feeling upset and frustrated
Speaker 3: by how he's treating me?
Speaker 1: Or is it just me being overly sensitive? Number two?
Speaker 1: What should I do moving forward? I don't want to
Speaker 1: break up, but I can't keep feeling like I'm the
Speaker 1: only one trying.
Speaker 3: How do I communicate this in a way that we'll
Speaker 3: get through to him?
Speaker 1: Number four?
Speaker 3: Should I step back from being intimate with him until
Speaker 3: things improve? Or is that something I might regret? And
Speaker 3: the last question is was I being too harsh or
Speaker 3: overreacting by using my vibrator the way I did. I
Speaker 3: really don't want to walk away from this relationship, but
Speaker 3: I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle.
Speaker 1: Where nothing changes.
Speaker 3: I'd appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation
Speaker 3: and whether I'm justified in feeling this way after everything
Speaker 3: that's happened. I hope my story makes sense to you.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much for your time and help. Best
Speaker 3: A fan.
Speaker 1: So I know we could just say, girl, break up
Speaker 1: with him.
Speaker 3: There's more dickinacy, but she reiterated three times that she
Speaker 3: does not want to walk away from this relationship, So
Speaker 3: let's think of advice from that perspective.
Speaker 2: Well, I want to tell you why you don't want
Speaker 2: to walk away from this relationship, because we've all been there.
Speaker 2: You don't want to start over, you don't want to
Speaker 2: be without him, you're attached to him, he's comfort. But
Speaker 2: you need to hear this because it's true that that
Speaker 2: idea and that feeling you have of losing this person
Speaker 2: being so awful is the feeling that he doesn't have
Speaker 2: when it comes to pleasing you and honoring your relationship,
Speaker 2: treating you kindly, making you happy, not making you feel bad.
Speaker 2: There's a whole energy shift when someone is walking, going
Speaker 2: to sleep on the couch all over the fact that
Speaker 2: you just want to be pleased too. There's no mutual
Speaker 2: attraction in these scenarios, and I think avoiding the whole
Speaker 2: breakup conversation is sometimes difficult because we're just I can't
Speaker 2: be the big Fis girl and be like, yeah, push
Speaker 2: through when hearing stuff like this hurts my feelings. Frankly,
Speaker 2: there's a chapter in No Hol's Barred where I talk
Speaker 2: about having sex with someone and crying right after and
Speaker 2: going to sleep right next to them, not knowing, like
Speaker 2: not feeling pleased, not having orgasms like this story is
Speaker 2: one that is tail as old as times, and we
Speaker 2: are such loyalists as women that we don't want to
Speaker 2: leave a situation we've been in for a while because
Speaker 2: we feel like starting over is bad, But what else
Speaker 2: is worse and bad is being with someone that treats
Speaker 2: you that way. And it seems like you already have
Speaker 2: had enough conversation. So yes, we'll go through these questions,
Speaker 2: but we're not going to pretend like this is a
Speaker 2: relationship anybody should be championing.
Speaker 1: So that's just where I want to get out.
Speaker 3: Oh yeah, I want to be clear, I'm not championing
Speaker 3: this relationship as much as I do feel like sometimes
Speaker 3: the easy way out is just telling you to leave
Speaker 3: and go hop on a dating app and find someone else.
Speaker 3: Let's be very clear, I've had sex far too many
Speaker 3: times with someone that lost my trust, that betrayed me,
Speaker 3: that my body was telling me was not the person
Speaker 3: for me to stay with. Unfortunately, I also feel like
Speaker 3: this is a relationship where you were adamant that you
Speaker 3: stepped out or betrayed his trust. So unfortunately, where he's
Speaker 3: not comfortable being as intimate as he wants to be
Speaker 3: with or as you want him to be with you,
Speaker 3: he may also just be that much in his head
Speaker 3: where he has not forgiven.
Speaker 1: You for literally violating him in front of him.
Speaker 3: So I think that there is you do have to
Speaker 3: hold yourself accountable, and you have by acknowledging that you
Speaker 3: did make a mistake, and you did it in front
Speaker 3: of him, And it wouldn't be without me thinking that
Speaker 3: that could be a potential reason for him showing up
Speaker 3: this way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, of course it definitely also attributed.
Speaker 3: To like and yeah, like, so I want to say
Speaker 3: where we could definitely tell you to leave his ass,
Speaker 3: and we both think that you probably should and that
Speaker 3: this is an unhealthy relationship. I can also be very
Speaker 3: frank with you and say, girl, you twenty two, I
Speaker 3: promise you this nigga will not exist in your life
Speaker 3: by thirty. But that's coming from someone thirty four who
Speaker 3: in her twenties may have thought she met the love
Speaker 3: of her life. This is clearly someone that isn't mature
Speaker 3: enough to hold space for you, your wants, your needs,
Speaker 3: or communicate those things. So let's get through these questions.
Speaker 3: Am I in the right or feeling upset and frustrated
Speaker 3: by how he's treating me? I want to be very clear.
Speaker 3: The other part is or am I being overly sensitive?
Speaker 3: I think that we as women unfortunately attach the words
Speaker 3: sensitive or nagging or coddling or codependent, like all of
Speaker 3: these words that we attach negative things to. Sensitive being
Speaker 3: one overly sensitive being a dramatization. I think you are
Speaker 3: in the right for feeling how you want to feel,
Speaker 3: and being upset and frustrated that your partner doesn't seem
Speaker 3: interested in pleasing you is a valid response. Weezy, I'm
Speaker 3: gonna let you answer this next one. What should she
Speaker 3: do moving forward? She can't keep feeling like she's the
Speaker 3: only one trying. But how should she communicate this in
Speaker 3: a way that you think will actually get through to him?
Speaker 2: I think he need to stop communicating it during and after.
Speaker 2: I think when the sex stuff is happening, it gets awkward.
Speaker 2: No one knows what to do. You need to be
Speaker 2: saying this before you. Guys have sex. Sometimes in person
Speaker 2: conversation might be difficult, So if you got the balls
Speaker 2: to do it on the phone, give them a call.
Speaker 1: Right after you hear this episode.
Speaker 2: And be like, you know, something's really been on my mind.
Speaker 2: You also need to approach the conversation with I understand
Speaker 2: we chose to stay together, but forgiving and forgetting is
Speaker 2: another thing. And is this happening like you need to
Speaker 2: people that have I will say in the past, I
Speaker 2: mean it's not happening in my current relationship, but in
Speaker 2: the past when someone's fucked up, I do appreciate when
Speaker 2: they say, yo, I know I did x y Z,
Speaker 2: I know I hurt you. That acknowledgment goes a long way,
Speaker 2: and I'm sure that you've already done that. But doing
Speaker 2: it in the same conversation as the sex, because at
Speaker 2: least you'll get your answer, Like, if it ain't a
Speaker 2: smell nigga, is it the other niggas? What is it?
Speaker 1: Cause you need to know because your brain, your anxiety,
Speaker 1: all of that is going to go rampant.
Speaker 3: I agree, absolutely, And I also think that it's just important.
Speaker 3: And I say this I think as a tip I've
Speaker 3: said it on the podcast that sometimes sex desires, fantasies,
Speaker 3: things that you may want to try that are in
Speaker 3: the norm. Clearly, oral sex isn't something that you say
Speaker 3: you get all the time, but you've only got a
Speaker 3: few times. Ask specifically for that. Don't just think for
Speaker 3: it and want it to happen. When you are about
Speaker 3: to have sex, tell him explicitly, Babe, tonight, I want
Speaker 3: my pussy eight tonight.
Speaker 1: I want you to taste me tonight. I want to
Speaker 1: please each.
Speaker 3: Other orally only there's other ways to where you can
Speaker 3: let it be known of what you specifically want and
Speaker 3: everything else is a cherry on top. But don't let
Speaker 3: sex be the whole pie, Like let everything else be
Speaker 3: the cherry on top, and the whole Sunday be what
Speaker 3: you want.
Speaker 2: And honestly, I don't even want you to go on
Speaker 2: to the point where you like, let's try sixty nine
Speaker 2: to night, so you have to trick like it's okay
Speaker 2: to just receive, be a receiver and let someone enjoy you.
Speaker 2: And I think there's so much guilt and anger going
Speaker 2: around that, like you just can't get there, and the
Speaker 2: conversations aren't happening outside of the bedroom, which is why
Speaker 2: you're having issues in the bedroom.
Speaker 1: I agree.
Speaker 3: The next one, should I step back from being intimate
Speaker 3: with him until things improve?
Speaker 1: Or is that something I might regret? I'm not gonna lie.
Speaker 3: What you're saying is it sounds like something called an ultimatum.
Speaker 3: I absolutely do not think that you should hold back
Speaker 3: or punish him or keep sex out of the relationship
Speaker 3: till things improve. I don't see how it will improve
Speaker 3: if you're not doing it, And I don't think that
Speaker 3: it's a fair thing for you to do. I know
Speaker 3: you wouldn't like that done to you, and I think
Speaker 3: that it eliminates the communication. I don't think it it's
Speaker 3: healthy to completely remove it off the table until you
Speaker 3: get what you want. That's kind of like throwing a tantrum.
Speaker 3: It's not mature. And I think that if you genuinely
Speaker 3: want to reach a level of intimacy, specifically physically and emotionally,
Speaker 3: you can't lead with an ultimatum.
Speaker 1: And that's what that sounds like to me.
Speaker 3: You can't completely step back from being intimate until he
Speaker 3: gives you.
Speaker 2: What you want, because we still don't know at this
Speaker 2: point if the reason he's not giving you what you
Speaker 2: want is because he's doing it as a punishment, and
Speaker 2: so it's just right right and no communicating. The more
Speaker 2: you play, the more you're not getting what you want.
Speaker 2: He's playing a game with you and not being honest
Speaker 2: because you flat out are like, well what is it?
Speaker 1: He's like, everything's cool.
Speaker 2: So I genuinely think both of you are doing disservice
Speaker 2: by you not giving him no pussy in him playing
Speaker 2: this game.
Speaker 1: The only thing and I'm sure you've heard this.
Speaker 2: So many times, communicate, communicate, communicate, and really the help
Speaker 2: that you need is how to communicate, and I think
Speaker 2: effectively it has to be outside of the bedroom.
Speaker 1: And if you do get too shy in person.
Speaker 2: I know some people say it's better to do things
Speaker 2: in person, but I think phone calls can be good too.
Speaker 2: Sometimes we need to be in our isolated space, like
Speaker 2: I don't know, I really feel like you've just got
Speaker 2: a call and pull the band aid off.
Speaker 1: Both of you know what's happening.
Speaker 3: Yeah, And then the last question is was I being
Speaker 3: too harsh or overreacting by using my vibrator the way
Speaker 3: I did? I don't know if you guys are deep
Speaker 3: into the catalog of horrible decisions. I did this with
Speaker 3: a previous partner and it was out of spite. It
Speaker 3: was in my immature way to show him that I
Speaker 3: didn't come, that I wasn't finished, and that he didn't
Speaker 3: please me.
Speaker 1: And to be honest, it resulted in nothing. Bitch, he came.
Speaker 1: So I don't think that it was too ursh or overreacting.
Speaker 3: But it's like, do you know, like when girls go
Speaker 3: on to like their platforms and be like, oh, he
Speaker 3: fumbled me, he lost me.
Speaker 1: Bitch. If he wanted to be there, he would. If
Speaker 1: he wanted to show up, he would.
Speaker 3: And so you thinking that you did that, you're doing
Speaker 3: something to hurt his ego. He might just think you'd
Speaker 3: be imre immature about it. I've done it before, so
Speaker 3: this isn't me, you know, sounding like ooh, bitch. I
Speaker 3: would never but even after the fact, it literally didn't
Speaker 3: change anything. And to be honest, I was only doing
Speaker 3: it to make him aware that he didn't make me come,
Speaker 3: and because he was right there, bitch, I still never came.
Speaker 3: So I don't think you were too harsh or overreacting.
Speaker 3: I do think, however, your reaction was immature. I agree,
Speaker 3: that's what I would.
Speaker 1: Say about that.
Speaker 3: I do hope that you guys choose to communicate. I
Speaker 3: do hope that you choose to get over this hump.
Speaker 3: And it does sound like he possibly hasn't forgiven you
Speaker 3: because you only acknowledged your mistake in the relationship and
Speaker 3: not his. So I would just wonder if you guys
Speaker 3: may need therapy. You are both also young, but not
Speaker 3: it's it's always worth trying, And to be fair, I
Speaker 3: would never say tell for anyone to stay in a
Speaker 3: relationship where they're crying, unfulfilled emotionally and physically. Intimacy is
Speaker 3: something that I just recently experienced and I absolutely crave
Speaker 3: it and need it. And so if you're not getting
Speaker 3: that and this all of the advice that we gave
Speaker 3: you doesn't work, I just want to let you know.
Speaker 3: Bit you young, and it's a whole lot of other people
Speaker 3: out there.
Speaker 1: It's only gonna hurt for a little bit. Baby, It's
Speaker 1: just it is.
Speaker 3: I mean, no, no, no, no, I was hurt for
Speaker 3: about a year and a half. And this is the
Speaker 3: person you lost your virginity too, and the only person
Speaker 3: you've been with Andy.
Speaker 2: I reckon it works.
Speaker 1: I'm just saying I want to be real, like man
Speaker 1: Joe bounced back.
Speaker 2: I'm not.
Speaker 3: But I know that Nick bitch is at twenty two,
Speaker 3: really think it's the end of day life and oh
Speaker 3: my god, they lose it out all today.
Speaker 1: Soulmate, we be dumb, we be delusional.
Speaker 3: In our twenties, and so I understand that she probably
Speaker 3: is too.
Speaker 1: Bitch.
Speaker 3: I was delusionally, bitch, I was delusional at thirties, so
Speaker 3: I can only imagine where she's feeling. And this is
Speaker 3: the nigga who took her virginity. She said they've been
Speaker 3: together since teenagers. This isn't gonna be easy, but I
Speaker 3: have for you.
Speaker 2: Sorry, my god, I was gonna say, we definitely need
Speaker 2: to do some updates. We should be doing a YGD
Speaker 2: update episode. That would be great. So I would really
Speaker 2: appreciate if you could reply to the thread. If anyone's
Speaker 2: ever sent us a question, reply and let us know
Speaker 2: what you did with that advice.
Speaker 1: I would be great to hear.
Speaker 3: Absolutely well, guys, we're gonna leave you here. Make sure
Speaker 3: you go to NHB tour dot com and check us
Speaker 3: out on tour, where we bring no holds barred from
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Speaker 3: with all of still the laughs, the kinksters and all
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Speaker 3: We will see y'all and check y'all out on Monday
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