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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology.

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Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to

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Speaker 2: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in

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Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here.

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Speaker 2: Back for another episode as we of course break down

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Speaker 2: the psychology of our twenties today, we are diving into

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Speaker 2: a topic that it is pretty emotionally charged. It's definitely

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Speaker 2: one of those areas of psychology and just growing up

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Speaker 2: in existence that definitely hits close to home for a

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Speaker 2: lot of people, which is exactly why I think we're

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Speaker 2: talking about it and what we're unpacking today is the

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Speaker 2: psychology of emotionally immature parents, what kind of people they are,

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Speaker 2: what it means, what it looks like, how it impacts us,

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Speaker 2: and most importantly, how we can really move forward from

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Speaker 2: a place of grace instead of frustration and needing to

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Speaker 2: change them and wanting them to be different people. Because,

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Speaker 2: as we will kind of eliminate through this episode, sometimes

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Speaker 2: it's really really difficult. This is obviously a very sensitive

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Speaker 2: subject for many of us. I think we often grow

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Speaker 2: up thinking our parents can do no wrong. But as

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Speaker 2: we gain I guess more independence, more knowledge, more self awareness,

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Speaker 2: cracks can really start to show, and that can be

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Speaker 2: so unnerving to unpack, especially because you know, our parents

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Speaker 2: are such prominent figures in our lives, our survival is

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Speaker 2: so based on them for so long, they are so

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Speaker 2: important to us. So when we suddenly or slowly become

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Speaker 2: aware of the ways in which they are flawed and

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Speaker 2: the ways in which they have perhaps not showed up

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Speaker 2: for us the way they needed to or should have

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Speaker 2: been required to, it can be a bit of an

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Speaker 2: epiphany aha moment, followed by a real kind of crash

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Speaker 2: and a real come down. You know, perhaps you have

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Speaker 2: always sense that something was off in your relationship with

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Speaker 2: your parents. You know, maybe they were loving but only

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Speaker 2: on their terms, or they were very present physically but

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Speaker 2: very emotionally unavailable, or they confided in you too much,

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Speaker 2: they leaned on you too heavily, they made you feel

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Speaker 2: like you had to be the adult in the relationship,

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Speaker 2: and at the age you are now, you're kind of realizing, Wait,

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Speaker 2: other people's parents weren't like that, and maybe this has

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Speaker 2: done some long term damage to me, and if any

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Speaker 2: of that rings true, this episode is especially for you.

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Speaker 2: We're going to be exploring what emotional immaturity looks like,

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Speaker 2: where it comes from psychologically, how it affects us in

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Speaker 2: our twenties, and really importantly, how we can begin to heal,

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Speaker 2: how we can break generational cycles. I also want to

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Speaker 2: mention I think it's important to say this isn't going

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Speaker 2: to be like a parent bashing episode. I don't think

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Speaker 2: that the right approach to this topic is blame. I

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Speaker 2: don't think that's helpful. What it's really going to be

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Speaker 2: is just an honest attempt to find clarity and to

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Speaker 2: understand these kinds of people better and to understand why

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Speaker 2: they are the way they are, not to give them

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Speaker 2: permission to continue to be that person and to continue

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Speaker 2: to affect and impact our lives, but so that we

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Speaker 2: can really heal. This is about us, and you know

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Speaker 2: it is going to be different for every person. There's

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Speaker 2: some parts of this that you might not relate to,

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Speaker 2: but I definitely hope that you can just feel a

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Speaker 2: little bit less alone. This kind of emotion immaturity that

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Speaker 2: we're going to discuss it often flies under the radar

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Speaker 2: because it doesn't always look like overt or obvious trauma.

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Speaker 2: I know the word trauma really rings alarm bells, But

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Speaker 2: these things, these experiences of being emotionally neglected, or emotionally mistreated,

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Speaker 2: or even just psychologically confused, do shape us very very deeply.

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Speaker 2: So just understanding it is definitely the first step towards

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Speaker 2: emotional freedom and opening yourself up to more fulfilling, nurturing relationships.

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Speaker 2: So that is a lot of words for me to

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Speaker 2: basically just to say, I hope this episode helps you.

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Speaker 2: I hope it's informative. We have so much psychology, so

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Speaker 2: much research, so much just concepts and theories packed into

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Speaker 2: this episode. So without further ado, let us talk about

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Speaker 2: the psychology of emotionally immature parents. Let's start this episode

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Speaker 2: with it's very high level information to kind of cover

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Speaker 2: our bases. What do we really mean by emotionally immature

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Speaker 2: parents because it does seem kind of subjective in a way. Well,

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Speaker 2: the first thing you need to know is that this

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Speaker 2: phrase was first popularized by doctor Lindsay C.

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Speaker 3: Gibson.

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Speaker 2: She is a clinical psychologist. And if you have ever

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Speaker 2: even dipped your toe into this space before, you will

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Speaker 2: probably know of her book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

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Speaker 2: It was released in twenty fifteen. It is like the

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Speaker 2: Bible on this kind of thing. In this book, she

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Speaker 2: basically introduces us to this idea of emotional immaturity as

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Speaker 2: a set of traits that includes things like poor empathy, volatility,

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Speaker 2: self centeredness, and a real ingrained avoidance of emotional responsibility.

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Speaker 2: So what does this look like? This might look like

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Speaker 2: parents who struggle to validate your emotions. So you've said

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Speaker 2: you're anxious, or you're frustrated, or you're hurting, and they

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Speaker 2: said to calm down, or they said that you were overreacting.

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Speaker 2: Perhaps they took your requests or your feedback too personally.

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Speaker 2: You know, you'd say I don't like it when you

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Speaker 2: do that, and they'd say, well, I guess I'm just

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Speaker 2: a horrible mother. I guess I'm the worst parent alive.

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Speaker 2: That's a way of them basically saying what you have

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Speaker 2: to say doesn't matter. You have to protect my feelings.

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Speaker 2: Emotionally immature parents are also very uncomfortable with vulnerability. Kind

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Speaker 2: of goes hand in hand with that last symptom. Often

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Speaker 2: they may pretend to not hear hear you or understand

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Speaker 2: you when you're sharing your feelings, or they dismiss you,

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Speaker 2: they say, can we talk about it later. They would

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Speaker 2: maybe turn it back onto you or give you the

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Speaker 2: silent treatment. Any kind of emotional openness or vulnerability is

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Speaker 2: really swept under the rug. They expect you to manage there,

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Speaker 2: and it's a very self centered thing. They make demands

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Speaker 2: of you. They ask you to essentially be there, not

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Speaker 2: just emotional witness, but they're psychologists, their counselor their healer,

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Speaker 2: their doctor, their marriage counselor all these things that as

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Speaker 2: a child, that's not your role, right, It's not your

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Speaker 2: role to parent them. They are the adult. They are

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Speaker 2: the ones who wanted you. They are the ones who

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Speaker 2: chose to have you, and so they need to be,

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Speaker 2: you know, ready to step into the role of parent

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Speaker 2: and understand that it's not the same as being friends

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Speaker 2: with your child. Being a parent and being a friend,

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Speaker 2: or being a counselor or being a partner. They're different things,

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Speaker 2: and as the child, you cannot be all of them.

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Speaker 2: That's something that they typically don't understand. It's very common

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Speaker 2: when a parent will be like, oh, yes, my daughter

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Speaker 2: is like my best friend or my son is my

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Speaker 2: best friend and that's always code, or you guys don't

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Speaker 2: have emotional boundaries like they are oversharing, their overstepping. Perhaps

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Speaker 2: they're even complaining about your other parent. You can get

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Speaker 2: very complex. They also have poor boundaries that kind of

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Speaker 2: goes hand in hand. They overshare, They expect loyalty at

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Speaker 2: all costs. They feel threatened by your independence, which can

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Speaker 2: sometimes mean that you stunt to yourself and you hold

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Speaker 2: yourself back to appease them. Essentially, they are the most

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Speaker 2: important person in the relationship, the relationship between you two.

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Speaker 2: You come second to their feelings, their wants, their needs,

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Speaker 2: their volatility, their inability to express themselves. This may not

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Speaker 2: seem overtly abusive or neglectful, and in many situations people

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Speaker 2: with emotionally immature parents will say, well, they were really

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Speaker 2: physically present for me. They were affectionate, they would buy

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Speaker 2: me things, we would do fun things. They were or

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Speaker 2: my need were taken care of, but emotionally it was

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Speaker 2: a very different situation. So the kind of parenting that

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Speaker 2: we are describing is not technically abusive, although I think

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Speaker 2: that that definition is definitely very flexible. At the moment,

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Speaker 2: it's a kind of parenting called emotional neglect. The research

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Speaker 2: really backs up how significant the impact of this can be.

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Speaker 2: A twenty seventeen study published in the Journal of Child

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Speaker 2: Psychology and Psychiatry. It found that emotional neglect in childhood,

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Speaker 2: especially when it's subtle or unspoken, is strongly correlated with

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Speaker 2: an increased risk for anxiety, depression, and difficulties with emotional

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Speaker 2: regulation in adulthood. You know, having this unpredictable emotional environment

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Speaker 2: can make us feel like we're not allowed to express

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Speaker 2: how we feel out of fear that our parents will

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Speaker 2: be hurt or they will somehow turn it around on us.

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Speaker 2: So there is an immediate defensiveness and a desire to

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Speaker 2: protect ourselves and almost all interactions, which means that we

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Speaker 2: emotionally suppress, we emotionally numb, we kind of lie to

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Speaker 2: ourselves about what we're really feeling, and this can really

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Speaker 2: take its toll on us. Emotions they are essential, they

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Speaker 2: are really really important things, Like we don't just have

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Speaker 2: emotions as decoration. They are our way of interacting with

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Speaker 2: the world. And so if our relationship to them has

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Speaker 2: been disrupted by a parent who has taught us how

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Speaker 2: to handle or showed us how to handle emotions in

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Speaker 2: the wrong way that's going to lead to some long

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Speaker 2: term consequences. One thing, a lot of therapists or psychologists

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Speaker 2: who handle individuals who have emotionally mature parents, they report

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Speaker 2: a lot of their clients having something called alexithemia, which

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Speaker 2: is a difficulty in identifying and expressing emotions. And this

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Speaker 2: makes sense. You know, when your emotional world is dismissed

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Speaker 2: or ignored, you learn to disconnect from it. So where

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Speaker 2: what are the roots of this emotional immaturity?

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Speaker 3: Really?

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Speaker 2: What it stems from in our parents is unresolved childhood

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Speaker 2: wounds that they themselves are caring. It is an age

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Speaker 2: old saying. Hurt people hurt people. That's not just a saying.

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Speaker 2: It often ends up being a real, terrifying fact of life.

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Speaker 2: If someone wasn't taught how to regulate their emotions, if

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Speaker 2: they grew up in a home where feelings were ignored

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Speaker 2: or invalidated, they are going to struggle to do that

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Speaker 2: with themselves and eventually with their own children. And that

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Speaker 2: makes a lot of sense, right if you never learned

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Speaker 2: the tools, if it was never properly modeled for them,

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Speaker 2: for your parents, it's so difficult for them to come

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Speaker 2: walk into situations and be emotionally mature, especially considering how

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Speaker 2: much of our social learning is just purely observational.

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Speaker 3: Here's the thing.

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Speaker 2: We don't develop emotional maturity isolation. It's not like we

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Speaker 2: are born knowing how to regulate our feelings. We as

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Speaker 2: well as our parents, learn through a process called coregulation.

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Speaker 2: So when we're children, our parents are meant to help

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Speaker 2: soothe us, explain what we're feeling, tell us that it's

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Speaker 2: going to be okay, give us the environment to understand

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Speaker 2: that emotions are not these big scary things. That's how

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Speaker 2: we learn how to do it ourselves. When your parent

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Speaker 2: perhaps didn't have someone, you know, demonstrating that for them, well,

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Speaker 2: they were kind of at a loss. Who was going

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Speaker 2: to teach them if not the most important person in

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Speaker 2: their lives. And there's a very famous experiment from about

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Speaker 2: the seventies that shows this beautifully. It's called the still

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Speaker 2: Face experiment by doctor Edward Tronnick. And in the study,

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Speaker 2: he really wanted to find out how we learn to

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Speaker 2: regulate emotions, and so he had a mother and a child,

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Speaker 2: and he would have the mother play normally with her baby,

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Speaker 2: smile coo, engage, giggle with them, and then the mother

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Speaker 2: was asked to suddenly go expressionless, to not respond to

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Speaker 2: her child. Her face went still, and within seconds the

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Speaker 2: child would get distressed, would start trying to get her attention,

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Speaker 2: wouldn't know how to regulate what they were feeling. It

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Speaker 2: was a bit of an ethically murky study, but it

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Speaker 2: gives you a clear visual of how much children rely

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Speaker 2: on that emotional feedback from their parents when it's missing.

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Speaker 2: Perhaps how it was missing for your parents. When there

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Speaker 2: is no coregulation, that stress can build fast and without

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Speaker 2: knowing it, we internalize the message of my feelings are dangerous,

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Speaker 2: my feelings are too much. I don't have the framework

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Speaker 2: or the environment to manage them, so I should just

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Speaker 2: completely suppress them. That's where emotional immaturity comes from. And

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Speaker 2: nowadays this generation kind of has more of an understanding

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Speaker 2: of why it is important to validate your children's emotions.

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Speaker 2: We understand why things like boundaries are essential. We understand why,

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Speaker 2: you know, suppressing your feelings has led to decades of

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Speaker 2: like people ignoring mental health crises and mental health issues.

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Speaker 2: We're a generation that's a lot more open to it,

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Speaker 2: but we're still managing with this previous generation who learned

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Speaker 2: from their parents, you know, sit up and shut up,

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Speaker 2: be seen and not heard. Essentially, the way I like

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Speaker 2: to think about it is we are managing the fallout

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Speaker 2: of generations of emotional suppression, and we're managing that on

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Speaker 2: an individual level and dealing with it on a micro

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Speaker 2: level of just interacting with our parents.

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Speaker 3: You know, they are the product.

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Speaker 2: Of a whole long line of inadequate emotional training and availability.

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Speaker 2: There's another explanation for our parents' emotional immaturity, and it's

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Speaker 2: something called developmental arrest. That sounds very dramatic, but it's

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Speaker 2: actually really common. It's when someone's emotional growth kind of pauses,

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Speaker 2: usually because of trauma, stress, or neglect in their own childhood.

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Speaker 2: So when we go through trauma, especially during childhood or adolescence,

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Speaker 2: it can actually physically interrupt our brain's natural development. The

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Speaker 2: parts of our brain that are supposed to grow and

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Speaker 2: support emotional regulation and connection and empathy. That development gets sidelined.

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Speaker 3: Why.

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Speaker 2: It's because survival in those situations is coming first. So

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Speaker 2: imagine you have a parent who is experienced war, or

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Speaker 2: who has seen a family member be incredibly abusive, or

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Speaker 2: who encountered a really traumatic loss or circumstances or poverty

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Speaker 2: when they were younger. When we are in those moments,

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Speaker 2: our body goes, Okay, all we need to focus on

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Speaker 2: is getting through this, is getting through this moment, and

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Speaker 2: when it's over, and when it's done, we can continue

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Speaker 2: with some of the other things. We can continue with

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Speaker 2: that neural pruning and that synaptic pruning, and we can

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Speaker 2: continue with the evolving of our brain matter and these structures.

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Speaker 2: But until the threat is passed, we just have to

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Speaker 2: be focused on survival. That is developmental arrest. Your parent

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Speaker 2: may quite literally be frozen at the time that a

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Speaker 2: particular trauma took place in their lives. They never exited

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Speaker 2: that survival zone. And so you're twenty five, you're twenty six,

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Speaker 2: you may be even in your thirties or older, dealing

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Speaker 2: with someone who's fifty or sixty, who actually might be

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Speaker 2: psychologically and emotionally have the emotional age that's significantly younger

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Speaker 2: than you. Hence why although they have the age, you

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Speaker 2: have the maturity that allows you to almost or forces

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Speaker 2: you almost to have to parent them. Now, I give

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Speaker 2: these explanations not as an excuse for our parents' behavior,

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Speaker 2: but more as an explanation. I don't think they want

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Speaker 2: to hurt you. They just never learn how to do

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Speaker 2: it the right way themselves. In other words, it's not

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Speaker 2: always about malicious intent. It's often about an emotional unavailability

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Speaker 2: that has been passed down for generations that goes unexamined.

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Speaker 2: Doesn't mean it hurts less. No, doesn't mean that now

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Speaker 2: you are being and will be forced to continue the cycle. Also, No,

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Speaker 2: you are currently listening to this episode. Do you think

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Speaker 2: your parents would ever have this self awareness to search

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Speaker 2: something like this? Do you think your parents are engaging

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Speaker 2: in psychological help or looking for self help content or

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Speaker 2: looking for instruction.

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Speaker 3: No.

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Speaker 2: And it's that conscious deliberateness of being like I'm going

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Speaker 2: to interrupt past learnings and I'm going to interrupt a

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Speaker 2: pattern of generational trauma to divert this path and change

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Speaker 2: the outcomes for myself.

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Speaker 3: That is so.

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Speaker 2: Powerful, And that means that you are not going to

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Speaker 2: turn out like them. You are doing the work that

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Speaker 2: should have been done decades and decades ago to reverse

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Speaker 2: very deeply ingrained patterns of thinking and patterns of emotionally

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Speaker 2: relating to others that are not going to be passed

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Speaker 2: on from here on out. So we are going to

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Speaker 2: take a short break, but when we return, I want

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Speaker 2: to explore what the impact may have been on you

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Speaker 2: so far. I want to validate that is totally normal,

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Speaker 2: and also how you can heal, how you can set boundaries,

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Speaker 2: how can you accept that you can't change them, but

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Speaker 2: also encourage yourself to change within you and to undo

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Speaker 2: some of this past neglect. Stay with us all of

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Speaker 2: that and more after this short break. The big question

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Speaker 2: that a lot of us have is how does this

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Speaker 2: show up.

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Speaker 3: In our lives?

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Speaker 2: First and foremost, one of the biggest ways that emotionally

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Speaker 2: immature parenting shows up for us in adulthood is through

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Speaker 2: our attachment style. Now, if you are someone who has

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Speaker 2: ever found themselves spiraling after someone didn't text you back,

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Speaker 2: or you feel the urge to emotionally shut down the

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Speaker 2: moment someone gets too close, you are not alone. These

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Speaker 2: responses don't just come out of nowhere. There's been so

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Speaker 2: much research that has shown that emotional validation that is

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Speaker 2: missing during childhood is strongly linked to developing an anxious

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Speaker 2: or avoidant attachment style in adulthood. That's the first thing

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Speaker 2: that you may be noticing especially as we begin to

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Speaker 2: date and we begin to want to have serious relationships

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Speaker 2: or serious, long lasting friendships, you find that your way

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Speaker 2: of relating to other people has a whole other dimension

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Speaker 2: it compared to your friends or other people that you know,

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Speaker 2: and you can't quite figure out why. You can't remember

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Speaker 2: consciously wanting to be this way. Often it's the remnants

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Speaker 2: of this emotional upbringing that you had. Then there's this

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Speaker 2: other experience that is somewhat common, and it's feeling as

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Speaker 2: if it's your job to hold everything together, to be

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Speaker 2: the emotionally mature one, to be the one that people

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Speaker 2: come to, and feeling like there is so much guilt

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Speaker 2: to be in control of your emotions and to be

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Speaker 2: mature for your age, mature for your age. I absolutely

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Speaker 2: despise this term. Anytime someone says they're very mature for

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Speaker 2: their age, I always think, well, that's a trauma response.

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Speaker 2: It is literally is a trauma response. It's called fawning

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Speaker 2: actually by this trauma expert, his name is Pete Walker,

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Speaker 2: and he found that the typical way that think of

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Speaker 2: us responding to danger through flight and freeze isn't the

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Speaker 2: entire picture. There's also this fourth f called fawning, where

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Speaker 2: you essentially put everyone's needs first because it feels safer

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Speaker 2: that way, and it really involves constantly appeasing others to

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Speaker 2: avoid conflict, making friends, with the threat being the one

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Speaker 2: that people need to rely on emotionally, so that you

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Speaker 2: were never the one on the outside. In childhood, this

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Speaker 2: may have looked like staying quiet to avoid upsetting your

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Speaker 2: parents or mediating arguments. In adulthood, it looks like people pleasing,

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Speaker 2: avoiding confrontation, putting everyone else's needs before your own, making

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Speaker 2: excuses for people giving them a million second chances, even

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Speaker 2: when it's costing you. Because when you were growing up,

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Speaker 2: the emotional temperature of your household depended on your ability

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Speaker 2: to soothe the parent, your ability to avoid triggering their anger,

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Speaker 2: your ability to anticipate the moods. Here's the paradox, though,

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Speaker 2: emotionally immature parents often raise incredibly emotionally aware children, and

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Speaker 2: that's not because they modeled that maturity, but because you

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Speaker 2: had to become that way to survive. You know, you

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Speaker 2: had to grow up too fast, You had to learn

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Speaker 2: to self regulate, You had to predict other people's reactions

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Speaker 2: to become independent, almost.

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Speaker 3: To a fault.

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Speaker 2: This creates this very specific emotional condition called hyper resilience

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Speaker 2: or hyperindependence. And it's very interesting because some people with

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Speaker 2: emotionally immature parents, if they're not aware of it, just

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Speaker 2: end up becoming emotionally immature themselves. Other people end up

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Speaker 2: becoming this kind of a very hyperindependent and I really

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Speaker 2: want to know what the research is behind it. I

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Speaker 2: couldn't really find many much of an explanation. Some people

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Speaker 2: say it's the existence of other support networks outside of

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Speaker 2: the family. Some people say it has a lot to

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Speaker 2: do with birth order. But if you're in the second

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Speaker 2: category of people who are hyper independent, what you will

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Speaker 2: find is that your ability to only rely on yourself

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Speaker 2: feels like an asset to you. It is like an

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Speaker 2: emotional safety net. Your independence feels like your greatest comfort,

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Speaker 2: and in many ways it is an asset. Being able

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Speaker 2: to challenge yourself, relying on yourself, being able to go

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Speaker 2: out and ask what you want is a great thing.

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Speaker 2: But the flip side of being independent is that you

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Speaker 2: might find it hard to ask for help when you

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Speaker 2: really need it. You may find it hard to lean

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Speaker 2: on people because you've internalized the belief that depending on

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Speaker 2: someone else isn't safe. You may hold yourself to impossibly

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Speaker 2: high standards, always needing to be productive, always needing to

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Speaker 2: be the one that people rely on, wanting to be

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Speaker 2: super low maintenance. And I'm going to hold your hand

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Speaker 2: when I say this, like it might be that you

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Speaker 2: are trying to earn love through your actions. The inner

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Speaker 2: voice that says you're only lovable if you're useful and

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Speaker 2: not too much of a burden that often comes from

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Speaker 2: these early dynamics. It's also that second part of saying, well,

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Speaker 2: I crave emotional safety, and if someone else can't create

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Speaker 2: it for me, I'll create it for myself.

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Speaker 3: Here is the.

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Speaker 2: Final thing that a lot of people report experiencing as

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Speaker 2: adults that they grew up in an emotionally immature parental environment.

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Speaker 2: It's something called emotional loneliness. This concept is being talked

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Speaker 2: about a lot more in research on attachment trauma recently,

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Speaker 2: because it's not just physical isolation that makes people feel lonely.

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Speaker 2: You could have so many friends and be constantly surrounded

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Speaker 2: by people but feel deeply emotionally unseen. And the tricky

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Speaker 2: part is that this kind of loneliness doesn't look how

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Speaker 2: we would typically expect it to look. Sometimes it looks

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Speaker 2: like being fine, being the one who is surrounded by people,

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Speaker 2: being the fixer, having the amazing friendship group. But at

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Speaker 2: the end of the day, you kind of come home

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Speaker 2: and you have this deep craving to be cared for

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Speaker 2: as well, but also an inability to open the.

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Speaker 3: Door to other people.

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Speaker 2: You might not even realize until someone really sees you

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Speaker 2: for the first time how emotionally lonely you have been,

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Speaker 2: and it can be very seriously uncomfortable or foreign. So

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Speaker 2: that psychologist Lindsay Gibson, who's work we mentioned earlier, she

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Speaker 2: talks about emotional loneliness as a defining wound for adult

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Speaker 2: children of emotionally immature parents. It is not the absence

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Speaker 2: of people, it is the absence of being known. And

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Speaker 2: you can totally see how this might hit.

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Speaker 3: Hard in your twenties.

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Speaker 2: This is a time when we're really navigating adult relationships,

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Speaker 2: often for the first time, without our families right beside us,

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Speaker 2: and so the old dynamics start to play out again.

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Speaker 2: Romantic relationships may end up mirroring the consistency you experienced

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Speaker 2: with a parent. You might choose emotionally unavailable partners. You

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00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:09,520
Speaker 2: might find that you yourself are emotionally unavailable, You push people away,

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00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:14,359
Speaker 2: you start unnecessary fights, and without even knowing why, and

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Speaker 2: the why is that all along you really don't understand

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Speaker 2: what it means to be seen, and so being seen

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Speaker 2: by someone feels very threatening because you have these parents

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Speaker 2: who were like you don't want to be seen. That's

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00:26:28,440 --> 00:26:32,000
Speaker 2: great for us. Let us be seen will take up

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Speaker 2: all the space, will take up all the oxygen in

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Speaker 2: the room. You can just sit in the corner and

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00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:38,720
Speaker 2: not make a fuss and not make a sound while

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00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:41,600
Speaker 2: we throw insults at you, or we throw problems at you,

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Speaker 2: or we are making you walk on eggshells. And so

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Speaker 2: when you become an adult and you're like, ha, people

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Speaker 2: actually expect me to talk about my feelings. People actually

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Speaker 2: want to know things about me, it can feel very unnerving.

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Speaker 2: The psychoanalyst Eric Ericson he actually describes this phase of life.

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Speaker 2: It's called intimate versus isolation, and every single one of

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Speaker 2: us does go through it. But people who had emotionally

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Speaker 2: immature parents or early relationships will find that it's so

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00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:14,760
Speaker 2: much more difficult because their blueprint for love and for

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00:27:14,880 --> 00:27:17,920
Speaker 2: closeness and for trust was shaved by someone who didn't

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Speaker 2: understand any of those things. So, yes, everyone's going to

435
00:27:21,480 --> 00:27:26,480
Speaker 2: struggle with this, and relationships are hard, but it's like

436
00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:30,600
Speaker 2: you're stepping into intimacy and you feel ready for it,

437
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,840
Speaker 2: and then you realize that you are trying to build

438
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,680
Speaker 2: a house on uneven foundations.

439
00:27:35,359 --> 00:27:36,919
Speaker 3: You know, everyone else is.

440
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:39,880
Speaker 2: Putting up their house and it's a flawless production line,

441
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,639
Speaker 2: and you're like, wait, I didn't know that the wood

442
00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,760
Speaker 2: was rotten and I didn't know that this structure was shaky,

443
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,919
Speaker 2: and I need to go and do all this extra

444
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,760
Speaker 2: work while everyone else is.

445
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:50,520
Speaker 3: Having an easy time.

446
00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:54,119
Speaker 2: And it can feel really fricking frustrating, honestly, because you

447
00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:58,560
Speaker 2: crave closeness, but you simultaneously fear it or reject it

448
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:01,400
Speaker 2: before it has a chance to reject. It is often

449
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:04,359
Speaker 2: at the stage that we kind of start to realize, like, hey,

450
00:28:04,680 --> 00:28:08,080
Speaker 2: perhaps my early environment wasn't what it should have been,

451
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:11,160
Speaker 2: and the issue really becomes it and the pain comes

452
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:13,520
Speaker 2: from trying to fill in the gaps ourselves, and we

453
00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:17,240
Speaker 2: try and find reasons to explain our parents' behavior or

454
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:19,640
Speaker 2: to damp and how difficult we found it at times

455
00:28:20,000 --> 00:28:22,479
Speaker 2: by saying things like oh, they did their best, or

456
00:28:22,920 --> 00:28:25,760
Speaker 2: it wasn't that bad, or it turned out fine, or

457
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:28,719
Speaker 2: oh people have it way way worse, and maybe all

458
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,440
Speaker 2: of that is true. But if you're still working over

459
00:28:31,520 --> 00:28:35,280
Speaker 2: time to explain away your pain, does that mean that

460
00:28:35,280 --> 00:28:39,640
Speaker 2: you are really okay? If you are still struggling in

461
00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:43,120
Speaker 2: very unseen ways, in ways that other people are not struggling,

462
00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:47,040
Speaker 2: I think it's really time to start to acknowledge, like, hey,

463
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:50,920
Speaker 2: maybe I'm not all right. Maybe being this hyper independent,

464
00:28:51,040 --> 00:28:55,600
Speaker 2: hyper resilient, emotionally closed off person isn't protecting me anymore.

465
00:28:56,760 --> 00:28:59,040
Speaker 2: When we say things like oh, you know, they just

466
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,080
Speaker 2: did their best, it wasn't that bad. Whatever it is,

467
00:29:01,480 --> 00:29:03,880
Speaker 2: this is really just us trying to make our experiences

468
00:29:03,960 --> 00:29:07,360
Speaker 2: make sense and to give ourselves an explanation for why.

469
00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:10,800
Speaker 2: You know, as humans, we want certainty, we want answers,

470
00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:15,000
Speaker 2: and so we engage in this kind of fantasy thinking.

471
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:17,560
Speaker 2: We cling to the idea of the parent that we

472
00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:20,400
Speaker 2: wish we had rather than the one that we actually

473
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:24,160
Speaker 2: do all because we're like, well, if they didn't treat

474
00:29:24,200 --> 00:29:26,920
Speaker 2: me right, if they couldn't be the parent I needed,

475
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:31,840
Speaker 2: was that maybe my fault? I think this really also

476
00:29:31,880 --> 00:29:35,360
Speaker 2: closely links to this idea of the good enough childhood, right,

477
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,360
Speaker 2: you know, it wasn't all that bad. They weren't necessarily

478
00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:41,560
Speaker 2: abusive or absent. We went on holidays every few years.

479
00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:46,080
Speaker 2: But emotional neglect can be deeply wounding. Even if your

480
00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:50,520
Speaker 2: basic needs were met. You have to remember children don't

481
00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:56,240
Speaker 2: just need food and water. They need validation, they need safety,

482
00:29:56,680 --> 00:30:00,560
Speaker 2: they need love, they need empathy. You needed that, serve that,

483
00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:06,960
Speaker 2: and grieving the parent you didn't get that's huge, that's painful.

484
00:30:08,000 --> 00:30:11,240
Speaker 2: Grief is not just about death, it's about any kind

485
00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:14,520
Speaker 2: of loss, and there is a real sense of loss

486
00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:16,720
Speaker 2: when you do come to terms with the fact that

487
00:30:16,760 --> 00:30:18,840
Speaker 2: your you know, your parent couldn't be what you needed.

488
00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:23,800
Speaker 2: You grieve the independence that was never allowed. You grieve

489
00:30:24,280 --> 00:30:28,560
Speaker 2: the attention that you wanted so badly, You grieve the consistency.

490
00:30:29,520 --> 00:30:31,560
Speaker 2: And then it's compounded by the fact that you can't

491
00:30:31,560 --> 00:30:37,200
Speaker 2: there's not a do over. You can't redo your childhood.

492
00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:41,120
Speaker 2: And sometimes you realize, well, I can't change these people.

493
00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:43,920
Speaker 2: I keep thinking that if I could just make them

494
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,920
Speaker 2: see what they did and why that was wrong and

495
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,600
Speaker 2: why they need to change, I'll feel better and all

496
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:55,120
Speaker 2: these wounds will be undone. And you realize eventually, like

497
00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:58,640
Speaker 2: that's just a proxy them changing Now. Yes it would

498
00:30:58,680 --> 00:31:01,600
Speaker 2: be great, but it wouldn't solve what happened before. And

499
00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:05,440
Speaker 2: perhaps I'm too fixated on getting this relationship to work

500
00:31:05,720 --> 00:31:08,080
Speaker 2: how I want it to that I don't realize that

501
00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:12,000
Speaker 2: maybe this relationship isn't actually that productive at all. I

502
00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:15,800
Speaker 2: always say this to my friends. Just because someone did

503
00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:19,960
Speaker 2: their best doesn't mean you didn't deserve better. The standard

504
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:23,240
Speaker 2: for which you deserve to be treated is not determined

505
00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:27,680
Speaker 2: by someone else's ability to meet the standard. And this

506
00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:31,080
Speaker 2: really brings us to our next big question. How do

507
00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:35,400
Speaker 2: we detach? How do we find some kind of peace

508
00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:40,200
Speaker 2: for ourselves? Knowing A we can't undo the past. B.

509
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:43,800
Speaker 2: These are people we may never be able to change.

510
00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:47,200
Speaker 2: We may never have the relationship with them that we wanted.

511
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:52,480
Speaker 2: So what we're really focusing on is detachment is loving

512
00:31:52,520 --> 00:31:56,600
Speaker 2: your parents from a distance without necessarily letting them be

513
00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:59,120
Speaker 2: at the center of your lives as they would probably

514
00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:02,880
Speaker 2: like to be. Once you get to a certain age,

515
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:04,800
Speaker 2: you do have the opportunity to say, hey, that's not

516
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:08,640
Speaker 2: your job anymore. I'm going to assert independence here. They

517
00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:11,640
Speaker 2: may try and fight back, but you are an adult.

518
00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:16,400
Speaker 2: You have the skills and the capabilities to redetermine it

519
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:20,480
Speaker 2: and re establish this relationship on your own terms basically,

520
00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:22,760
Speaker 2: and say, yes, it may have been this for the

521
00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:26,200
Speaker 2: first eighteen twenty five, whatever, how many years, that doesn't

522
00:32:26,240 --> 00:32:29,560
Speaker 2: mean that I can't now divert this relationship into something else.

523
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:34,480
Speaker 2: So in order to detach, firstly from the chaos of

524
00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:38,440
Speaker 2: this relationship, and in order to take yourself out of

525
00:32:38,480 --> 00:32:42,120
Speaker 2: the emotional environment they have created. Firstly, if you have

526
00:32:42,200 --> 00:32:45,040
Speaker 2: the means, find a way to put some physical space

527
00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:49,600
Speaker 2: between you and your parents, either by moving out of home,

528
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:53,920
Speaker 2: going traveling, finding a work opportunity that is away from

529
00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:57,120
Speaker 2: your hometown or from where they're from. Sometimes the best

530
00:32:57,120 --> 00:33:00,760
Speaker 2: things for these kinds of relationships is just space. Space

531
00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:02,320
Speaker 2: to allow you to exit.

532
00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:03,160
Speaker 3: Their orbit of control.

533
00:33:03,760 --> 00:33:06,160
Speaker 2: When you're not in their home playing by their rules,

534
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:08,680
Speaker 2: you will notice how much lighter you feel.

535
00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:09,520
Speaker 3: You will notice how.

536
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:13,520
Speaker 2: Much tension naturally dissipates, and also how your environment really

537
00:33:13,520 --> 00:33:16,280
Speaker 2: does shape your mood and it shapes your ability to

538
00:33:16,480 --> 00:33:19,160
Speaker 2: cope not just with them, but with everyday life. So,

539
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:21,560
Speaker 2: if you want to detach, and if you want to

540
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:24,600
Speaker 2: find a way to heal the consequences of this for yourself,

541
00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:28,000
Speaker 2: I would highly recommend slowly making a plan to exit,

542
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:32,360
Speaker 2: exit the environment, exit your family home, stop living under

543
00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:36,920
Speaker 2: their roof. Have your plan in order before telling them.

544
00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:39,200
Speaker 2: That way, you can kind of reduce the influence of

545
00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:42,320
Speaker 2: any emotional manipulation. You need to be ready to be like,

546
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:45,640
Speaker 2: I'm moving out, I'm out of here, and this is

547
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:48,280
Speaker 2: how we're going to continue communicating from here on out.

548
00:33:48,720 --> 00:33:50,800
Speaker 2: If that's an option, there are still so many things

549
00:33:50,800 --> 00:33:54,120
Speaker 2: that you can do. Building community outside of your family unit,

550
00:33:54,160 --> 00:33:56,360
Speaker 2: who you can trust and who you can complain to

551
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:59,480
Speaker 2: and who will validate how shit this is sometimes is

552
00:33:59,520 --> 00:34:03,760
Speaker 2: also invaluable. And if you're struggling to come to terms

553
00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:06,680
Speaker 2: with their behavior yourself, the first step is really just

554
00:34:06,680 --> 00:34:08,640
Speaker 2: to say it out loud and to just name it.

555
00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:12,400
Speaker 2: My parents who are emotionally mature. A mature person wouldn't

556
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:15,359
Speaker 2: have done this. I don't deserve that. That's not how

557
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:18,560
Speaker 2: a parent should behave I don't want this kind of relationship.

558
00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:21,600
Speaker 2: Language is very, very liberating, you know.

559
00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:22,400
Speaker 3: It really does.

560
00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:24,920
Speaker 2: Allow you to stop blaming yourself for the things that

561
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:29,560
Speaker 2: you received. It helps you to stop trying to fix

562
00:34:29,880 --> 00:34:34,359
Speaker 2: the relationship by overfunctioning or shrinking yourself down and it's

563
00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:37,399
Speaker 2: actually not about pointing fingers. It's really about clarity. It's

564
00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:40,480
Speaker 2: about saying, this is what happened, this is how it

565
00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:44,000
Speaker 2: shaped me. Maybe I'll never get an explanation as to why.

566
00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:47,600
Speaker 2: Maybe they will never admit it. That does not change

567
00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:50,960
Speaker 2: my reality. Next, we're going to be setting some boundaries

568
00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:54,879
Speaker 2: without the guilt involved boundaries, And I need to say

569
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:59,040
Speaker 2: this loud and clear. Are not dominating, are not forceful.

570
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:01,840
Speaker 2: They are a sign and a form of self respect.

571
00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:04,760
Speaker 2: They do not mean you love your parents any less.

572
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:08,520
Speaker 2: They mean you love yourself enough to protect your emotional wellbeing.

573
00:35:09,239 --> 00:35:12,279
Speaker 2: So what kind of boundaries are really essential in these relationships?

574
00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:17,239
Speaker 2: Things like limiting phone calls, changing the subject when conversations

575
00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:20,439
Speaker 2: turn toxic, saying if you want to continue to talk

576
00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:22,600
Speaker 2: to me like this, I won't be coming home for

577
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:25,000
Speaker 2: the holidays. I won't be coming around to your house

578
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 2: having off limit subject matter that you tell them is

579
00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:31,279
Speaker 2: off limits. I don't want to talk about politics, I

580
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:33,839
Speaker 2: don't want to talk about whatever my sister is doing.

581
00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:35,959
Speaker 2: I don't want to talk about your relationship with mum.

582
00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:39,080
Speaker 2: That is essential. I really want you to sit down

583
00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:41,360
Speaker 2: and say, Okay, what are the things that always end

584
00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:47,080
Speaker 2: up triggering terrible conversations and arguments or moments between me

585
00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:47,880
Speaker 2: and my parents.

586
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:50,760
Speaker 3: I just we're just going to avoid those.

587
00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:54,680
Speaker 2: We're going to avoid them because you've probably tried enough

588
00:35:54,719 --> 00:35:57,879
Speaker 2: times to make them listen or to make yourself heard

589
00:35:57,880 --> 00:36:01,120
Speaker 2: that you know they're not changing their mine. It's now

590
00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:05,640
Speaker 2: about your peace. Some other things that are central boundaries

591
00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:07,920
Speaker 2: or things that you can put in place is staying

592
00:36:07,960 --> 00:36:11,520
Speaker 2: brief in your conversations with them, not sharing personal stories

593
00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:16,000
Speaker 2: or details with them, knowing the signs that they are

594
00:36:16,239 --> 00:36:20,960
Speaker 2: going to explode or going to start manipulating you or

595
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:24,520
Speaker 2: going to dismiss you. Knowing those triggers for them, and

596
00:36:24,560 --> 00:36:28,040
Speaker 2: being like, I'm actually gonna opt out of this. Yeah, sorry,

597
00:36:28,080 --> 00:36:31,759
Speaker 2: Like this is not I'm not tolerating it. I'm walking away. Yes,

598
00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:33,680
Speaker 2: you are going to get frustrated. Yes, you are probably

599
00:36:33,719 --> 00:36:36,239
Speaker 2: going to get mad. That's actually not my fucking deal.

600
00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:39,320
Speaker 2: That's not my problem, that's not my business.

601
00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:40,600
Speaker 3: You're an adult.

602
00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:44,560
Speaker 2: You choose how to emotionally regulate yourself, but you cannot

603
00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:47,600
Speaker 2: co regulate with someone who is angry and someone who

604
00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:50,680
Speaker 2: doesn't know what they're doing. What do you need at

605
00:36:50,719 --> 00:36:54,799
Speaker 2: this point to do better for yourself. What do you

606
00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:59,120
Speaker 2: need at this point to feel better and less less

607
00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:02,960
Speaker 2: tense and less dressed. Remember, like, you are not responsible

608
00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:06,480
Speaker 2: for your parents' feelings. In fact, they are the adult

609
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:09,960
Speaker 2: the level of responsibility.

610
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:11,000
Speaker 3: They're at the top.

611
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,360
Speaker 2: They are the ones who are meant to be creating

612
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:16,320
Speaker 2: a soft and a warm and a welcoming emotional environment

613
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:19,839
Speaker 2: for you. So if the tables have turned, the rule

614
00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:22,600
Speaker 2: book is now upside down, you can walk out. You

615
00:37:22,640 --> 00:37:24,799
Speaker 2: can say I don't want to be part of this.

616
00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:29,200
Speaker 2: You are allowed to say you're behaving very immaturely. They're

617
00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:31,560
Speaker 2: probably not going to acknowledge it, but you're allowed to

618
00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:33,080
Speaker 2: say it out loud and be like, this is how

619
00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:36,200
Speaker 2: I see these situations, this is how I see this happening.

620
00:37:36,600 --> 00:37:39,719
Speaker 2: I'm going to validate the reality that I'm experiencing, and

621
00:37:39,719 --> 00:37:43,440
Speaker 2: I'm going to walk away. The hardest thing about boundaries

622
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:46,319
Speaker 2: is really just accepting that some people are never going

623
00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:49,200
Speaker 2: to understand them. They're never going to agree, they're never

624
00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:52,279
Speaker 2: going to like it. That doesn't make them wrong. It

625
00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:55,520
Speaker 2: actually means they were probably necessary and that they are

626
00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:59,000
Speaker 2: probably working. The easiest way to tell if a boundary

627
00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:01,400
Speaker 2: is working, the easiest way to tell that one was needed.

628
00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:04,560
Speaker 2: Is when you put up the boundary and someone is

629
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:08,000
Speaker 2: like a rabid dog bounding against it, being.

630
00:38:07,800 --> 00:38:08,800
Speaker 3: Like, what are you doing?

631
00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:12,080
Speaker 2: I'm your parent, I don't deserve to be treated like this.

632
00:38:12,239 --> 00:38:16,360
Speaker 2: You're so ungrateful, and it's like, huh so a normal person. Firstly,

633
00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:19,320
Speaker 2: I wouldn't have even needed to set this boundary. Secondly,

634
00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:21,959
Speaker 2: they would have respected it if I did. The fact

635
00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:27,680
Speaker 2: that they are so disturbed by the emotional consequences of

636
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:31,479
Speaker 2: their actions and your response to them proves that they're

637
00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:34,680
Speaker 2: not normal and proves that you had the right reaction

638
00:38:34,760 --> 00:38:37,319
Speaker 2: and you made the right decision. This is something I

639
00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:40,600
Speaker 2: always say to people to help them understand this better.

640
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,279
Speaker 2: If you had a boss who treated you the way

641
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:46,560
Speaker 2: that your parents did, would you have quit by now?

642
00:38:47,440 --> 00:38:50,600
Speaker 2: If you had a partner who treated you the way

643
00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:54,000
Speaker 2: your parents do, you probably would have broken up with

644
00:38:54,040 --> 00:38:56,839
Speaker 2: them at this point. If you had a friend who

645
00:38:56,920 --> 00:39:00,120
Speaker 2: gave you the silent treatment, who didn't listen to your

646
00:39:00,280 --> 00:39:04,799
Speaker 2: emotional requests, who ignored you unless they needed something, who

647
00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:08,760
Speaker 2: dismissed you, who wouldn't let you share your feelings, would

648
00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:10,359
Speaker 2: you be friends with them?

649
00:39:10,719 --> 00:39:12,040
Speaker 3: Would you have contact with them?

650
00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:16,520
Speaker 2: No? So why do we make so many excuses for

651
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:20,319
Speaker 2: our parents when they should know better. When you know,

652
00:39:20,400 --> 00:39:22,640
Speaker 2: I always think this, like they decided to have you

653
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:25,440
Speaker 2: and deciding to have a child, like they were opting

654
00:39:25,480 --> 00:39:30,200
Speaker 2: into a responsibility that they are obviously struggling to fulfill.

655
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:34,360
Speaker 2: But they expect you to fulfill all the traditional ways

656
00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:37,400
Speaker 2: that a child should behave Like it's a two way straight.

657
00:39:38,120 --> 00:39:40,680
Speaker 2: So the third way we're going to really attempt to

658
00:39:40,680 --> 00:39:43,960
Speaker 2: attach here is by reparenting ourselves. You know, as we

659
00:39:44,000 --> 00:39:47,759
Speaker 2: get older, we become the most important adult in our lives.

660
00:39:48,239 --> 00:39:50,600
Speaker 2: Even if you have a partner, even if you have

661
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:54,840
Speaker 2: a really amazing friend, you are still the most important adult.

662
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:58,799
Speaker 2: You are still responsible for I would say ninety nine

663
00:39:58,840 --> 00:40:02,719
Speaker 2: percent of your decisions, and so you also have the

664
00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:05,880
Speaker 2: capacity to take charge and to do what's best for

665
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:08,520
Speaker 2: yourself now, the way that a parent should have done

666
00:40:08,520 --> 00:40:10,560
Speaker 2: for you when you were younger, the way that they

667
00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:11,440
Speaker 2: should even be.

668
00:40:11,480 --> 00:40:12,480
Speaker 3: Doing it for you now.

669
00:40:13,719 --> 00:40:16,080
Speaker 2: The part of you, the childlike innocent part of you

670
00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:20,399
Speaker 2: who was injured by their behavior, still exists and they

671
00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:22,600
Speaker 2: still deserve love, even if it.

672
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:23,280
Speaker 3: Was in the past.

673
00:40:23,719 --> 00:40:27,800
Speaker 2: Reparenting helps us heal that relationship with this past version

674
00:40:27,840 --> 00:40:30,960
Speaker 2: of us, and it helps us realize, like, hey, it's

675
00:40:30,960 --> 00:40:33,879
Speaker 2: not always going to be like this. There is an alternative.

676
00:40:34,280 --> 00:40:36,240
Speaker 2: There is a way that I deserve to be treated,

677
00:40:36,239 --> 00:40:40,279
Speaker 2: and I'm going to firstly begin by emulating it myself.

678
00:40:40,800 --> 00:40:43,520
Speaker 2: Now this might sound kind of intimidating at first, but

679
00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:48,160
Speaker 2: reparenting really just means giving your adult self the grace

680
00:40:48,239 --> 00:40:52,799
Speaker 2: and the security that your childhood self deserved. So encouraging

681
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,719
Speaker 2: yourself when doubt creeps in, even when it feels unnatural,

682
00:40:56,239 --> 00:41:00,719
Speaker 2: holding yourself when you feel shame, allowing yourself to be playful,

683
00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:04,759
Speaker 2: allowing yourself to be cringe, allowing yourself.

684
00:41:04,440 --> 00:41:05,200
Speaker 3: To be vulnerable.

685
00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:08,200
Speaker 2: It could also be as simple as changing like your

686
00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:12,279
Speaker 2: self talk so often. I just feel like we talk

687
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:15,480
Speaker 2: to ourselves so badly. We say like I'm so stupid,

688
00:41:15,600 --> 00:41:19,319
Speaker 2: I'm a terrible person, I'm an idiot. A lot of

689
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:22,759
Speaker 2: those words we didn't learn those ourselves.

690
00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:24,759
Speaker 3: They were words that were said to us.

691
00:41:25,440 --> 00:41:28,320
Speaker 2: And so replacing them and saying I made a mistake

692
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:31,800
Speaker 2: and that's okay. I'm someone who was growing, I'm someone

693
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:37,719
Speaker 2: who was learning. That's essential because it's reprogramming our internal

694
00:41:38,440 --> 00:41:41,360
Speaker 2: dialogue and the voice of our inner critic. So that

695
00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:45,120
Speaker 2: it is more gentle and understanding. You know, if you

696
00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:48,480
Speaker 2: could go back to when you were let's say five

697
00:41:48,680 --> 00:41:52,840
Speaker 2: or twelve, or ten or fifteen, how would you wish

698
00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:56,279
Speaker 2: your parents had responded to your emotional requests? How do

699
00:41:56,320 --> 00:41:57,960
Speaker 2: you wish they had treated you? How do you wish

700
00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:02,759
Speaker 2: they had loved you that? Imagine it, deliver it back

701
00:42:02,800 --> 00:42:07,240
Speaker 2: to yourself. Reparenting is also about noticing what you need

702
00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:10,440
Speaker 2: right now over what others may need from you. If

703
00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:14,120
Speaker 2: you have emotionally immature parents, you are most likely used

704
00:42:14,160 --> 00:42:18,160
Speaker 2: to being very focused on their needs, and that often

705
00:42:18,239 --> 00:42:22,160
Speaker 2: ends up translating into other relationships as well. That's not

706
00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:26,279
Speaker 2: your job. Your job right now is to say, what

707
00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:29,399
Speaker 2: do I need in this situation? What do I need

708
00:42:29,440 --> 00:42:31,719
Speaker 2: at this point in my life? What do I need

709
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:34,680
Speaker 2: during my day? What do I need in a relationship?

710
00:42:34,840 --> 00:42:38,799
Speaker 2: And going out, going after it and delivering it to yourself.

711
00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:41,600
Speaker 2: The decisions that your parents never made.

712
00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:43,800
Speaker 3: For you, you can now make them.

713
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:47,840
Speaker 2: You can now decide, Hey, I'm going to emotionally respond

714
00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:50,359
Speaker 2: this way. Hey, I'm going to have an app at

715
00:42:50,400 --> 00:42:53,960
Speaker 2: two pm. Hey, I know that this relationship probably isn't

716
00:42:54,040 --> 00:42:56,160
Speaker 2: right for me, and I'm going to walk away because

717
00:42:56,200 --> 00:42:58,880
Speaker 2: I have agency. And that's something that I think the

718
00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:02,920
Speaker 2: children of emotionally immature parents often struggle with, is this

719
00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:06,120
Speaker 2: sense that like, actually, you are the boss, and you

720
00:43:06,200 --> 00:43:09,200
Speaker 2: are in charge, and it's your life and it's your body,

721
00:43:09,239 --> 00:43:13,000
Speaker 2: and it's your emotions and your feelings and your reality.

722
00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:15,960
Speaker 2: You can do what you want with that. You can

723
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:18,759
Speaker 2: make all of your choices from here on out, and

724
00:43:18,840 --> 00:43:21,160
Speaker 2: no matter how much of a fuss they kick up,

725
00:43:21,680 --> 00:43:24,240
Speaker 2: whatever it is that they want to say, it doesn't

726
00:43:24,320 --> 00:43:28,759
Speaker 2: change anything. They don't control you. You are allowed to

727
00:43:28,920 --> 00:43:32,680
Speaker 2: rewire what love feels like and say I actually deserve

728
00:43:32,800 --> 00:43:37,319
Speaker 2: more or I don't deserve this. Okay, I'm getting very

729
00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:40,040
Speaker 2: you can say I'm getting very passionate. So we're going

730
00:43:40,120 --> 00:43:42,439
Speaker 2: to take a short break, but when we return, we're

731
00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:45,760
Speaker 2: gonna talk through some of our listener questions. You guys

732
00:43:45,760 --> 00:43:48,960
Speaker 2: had so many questions for me about emotionally immature parents,

733
00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:53,360
Speaker 2: in your own lives and your partner's lives in so

734
00:43:53,400 --> 00:43:56,000
Speaker 2: many different ways. There were so many questions and dilemmas

735
00:43:56,040 --> 00:43:58,560
Speaker 2: that came up, so I'm excited to answer some of them.

736
00:43:59,000 --> 00:43:59,960
Speaker 3: Stay tuned.

737
00:44:04,880 --> 00:44:07,319
Speaker 2: So you guys all know that each week I go

738
00:44:07,400 --> 00:44:10,320
Speaker 2: on Instagram at that psychology podcast if you want to follow,

739
00:44:10,800 --> 00:44:12,840
Speaker 2: and I tell you, guys, what I'm going to be

740
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:15,000
Speaker 2: talking about on this week's episode, and I ask if

741
00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:19,000
Speaker 2: you have any specific questions you want answered. For some

742
00:44:19,160 --> 00:44:22,359
Speaker 2: episodes like this one, the topic is so broad and

743
00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:25,560
Speaker 2: our experience is like they are so different that I

744
00:44:25,640 --> 00:44:28,400
Speaker 2: might not fully cover what you want to know, Like

745
00:44:28,600 --> 00:44:31,120
Speaker 2: I could do a six hour episode on this and

746
00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:35,319
Speaker 2: still not touch on your unique, specific circumstance, And so

747
00:44:35,360 --> 00:44:38,560
Speaker 2: the listener questions are kind of the opportunity for me

748
00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:42,480
Speaker 2: to touch on some of the more finer points. Let's

749
00:44:42,480 --> 00:44:46,000
Speaker 2: start with question number one. What do you do when

750
00:44:46,040 --> 00:44:49,120
Speaker 2: your parents put you in the middle of their fights?

751
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:53,879
Speaker 2: This was by far the most common question, especially for

752
00:44:54,360 --> 00:44:57,440
Speaker 2: people whose parents are getting divorced. Is they become adults

753
00:44:57,640 --> 00:45:00,480
Speaker 2: or who have seen this happen for years and years

754
00:45:00,520 --> 00:45:04,239
Speaker 2: and years and are suddenly realizing, like, Hey, I'm the

755
00:45:04,320 --> 00:45:08,319
Speaker 2: kid here, this actually shouldn't be my problem. This is

756
00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:12,000
Speaker 2: a classic example of parentification. You have been put in

757
00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:16,640
Speaker 2: the position of mediator, emotional regulator, diplomat. You are parenting

758
00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:18,960
Speaker 2: your parents when your role is meant to be as

759
00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:22,040
Speaker 2: their child. Let me say this, this is not okay

760
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:24,680
Speaker 2: behavior from your parents. You are not meant to be

761
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:28,440
Speaker 2: in the middle because you have a very different relationship

762
00:45:28,520 --> 00:45:31,400
Speaker 2: with them compared to the relationship that they have with

763
00:45:31,480 --> 00:45:31,919
Speaker 2: each other.

764
00:45:32,719 --> 00:45:33,479
Speaker 3: And also you.

765
00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:36,800
Speaker 2: Are not a couple's counselor you are not their best friend.

766
00:45:37,800 --> 00:45:40,160
Speaker 2: You are not the person they can rant to. You

767
00:45:40,239 --> 00:45:43,640
Speaker 2: are their child. There are different relationships, and we have

768
00:45:43,680 --> 00:45:48,960
Speaker 2: different relationships with different people for a reason. Sometimes though,

769
00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:53,840
Speaker 2: the reason this happens is because A they have no

770
00:45:53,840 --> 00:45:56,640
Speaker 2: one else to talk about it too in their personal life,

771
00:45:56,719 --> 00:46:00,600
Speaker 2: in which case they need to go and see a therapist. B.

772
00:46:01,200 --> 00:46:03,719
Speaker 2: They feel like because you are so close to the situation,

773
00:46:03,960 --> 00:46:09,359
Speaker 2: you can somehow be impartial also incorrect. See sometimes it's

774
00:46:09,400 --> 00:46:13,640
Speaker 2: just an accidental slip up or d. Your opinion is

775
00:46:13,680 --> 00:46:16,319
Speaker 2: actually becoming the battleground for them because.

776
00:46:16,480 --> 00:46:18,600
Speaker 3: You are the product of both of these two people.

777
00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:20,879
Speaker 2: So they may feel like, h if I can win

778
00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:24,600
Speaker 2: you over, if you agree with me, well then this

779
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:28,800
Speaker 2: other person has to listen. You are the best weapon

780
00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:31,360
Speaker 2: they could have in their arsenal, the opinion of the

781
00:46:31,440 --> 00:46:35,440
Speaker 2: child that the person and them both raise together. So

782
00:46:35,480 --> 00:46:37,520
Speaker 2: they win. If they get you to agree with them,

783
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:42,680
Speaker 2: they win. It's very inappropriate. It's also very uncomfortable. So

784
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:44,279
Speaker 2: I'm going to give you a sentence that you can

785
00:46:44,360 --> 00:46:48,560
Speaker 2: use in these situations. That sounds really hard, But I'm

786
00:46:48,600 --> 00:46:51,279
Speaker 2: not impartial here, and I really wish I could be,

787
00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:54,120
Speaker 2: but it's just never going to happen. I really love

788
00:46:54,840 --> 00:46:58,239
Speaker 2: mum slash dad whoever it is insert here, and I'm

789
00:46:58,280 --> 00:47:01,080
Speaker 2: sure you value how much they love me and want

790
00:47:01,080 --> 00:47:03,440
Speaker 2: me to stay close to both of you, So I

791
00:47:03,520 --> 00:47:06,280
Speaker 2: can't be the person you vent to about that. I'm sorry,

792
00:47:07,440 --> 00:47:12,320
Speaker 2: short and simple, And if they argue, play to their empathy.

793
00:47:13,160 --> 00:47:15,719
Speaker 2: Ask them, how would you feel if you found out

794
00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:19,080
Speaker 2: that mum slash dad was having these same conversations with

795
00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:20,000
Speaker 2: me about you?

796
00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:23,640
Speaker 3: Would you want that? Probably not?

797
00:47:24,600 --> 00:47:27,319
Speaker 2: Or play dumb when they say, oh, you know, he

798
00:47:27,480 --> 00:47:30,400
Speaker 2: just always does this, or she's just like this and

799
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:32,680
Speaker 2: this and this, be like, oh, I'm you know, I'm

800
00:47:32,719 --> 00:47:35,120
Speaker 2: just a kid, really like what would I know? Or

801
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:37,440
Speaker 2: you know, I'm really young. Still, I don't really have

802
00:47:37,560 --> 00:47:40,239
Speaker 2: much experience to know what you should do. I don't

803
00:47:40,239 --> 00:47:46,960
Speaker 2: really understand this reinforce subliminally like hey, hello, reminder, I'm

804
00:47:47,000 --> 00:47:50,200
Speaker 2: the child in this situation, and I find that really

805
00:47:50,239 --> 00:47:53,319
Speaker 2: like helpful to just just to be like almost give

806
00:47:53,360 --> 00:47:55,440
Speaker 2: them a bit of a snap of the fingers, a

807
00:47:55,440 --> 00:47:58,000
Speaker 2: wave cup call like this isn't appropriate.

808
00:47:58,280 --> 00:48:00,840
Speaker 3: You know what's inappropriate. We're going to move on.

809
00:48:01,960 --> 00:48:06,680
Speaker 2: Hopefully that kind of helps. Second question, I'm dating someone

810
00:48:06,719 --> 00:48:10,719
Speaker 2: with immature parents but they can't see it. How can

811
00:48:10,760 --> 00:48:13,600
Speaker 2: I firstly cope with it but also help him to

812
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:17,359
Speaker 2: see that they have a problem. This is a tough one,

813
00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:19,840
Speaker 2: I think. Firstly, you've got to realize that this is

814
00:48:19,880 --> 00:48:21,560
Speaker 2: not something that you're going to be able to fix.

815
00:48:21,680 --> 00:48:24,680
Speaker 2: This is not a relationship that you can take charge of.

816
00:48:24,719 --> 00:48:29,440
Speaker 2: This has most likely existed way before you came along.

817
00:48:30,640 --> 00:48:35,600
Speaker 2: You have to approach this really delicately. I always think about,

818
00:48:35,719 --> 00:48:38,120
Speaker 2: like trying to tell your friend that you hate their partner.

819
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:41,520
Speaker 2: Nine out of ten times, they aren't going to see

820
00:48:41,560 --> 00:48:43,279
Speaker 2: it the way that you do, and they probably aren't

821
00:48:43,320 --> 00:48:45,480
Speaker 2: going to listen, and then you're just going to become

822
00:48:45,480 --> 00:48:48,360
Speaker 2: the enemy. So please just remember, as much as you

823
00:48:48,400 --> 00:48:50,759
Speaker 2: want them to be happy and at peace and you

824
00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:53,280
Speaker 2: want their life to be free of stress and tension,

825
00:48:53,920 --> 00:48:56,560
Speaker 2: it's not your job to fix their parents' relationship. It's

826
00:48:56,600 --> 00:49:01,040
Speaker 2: also not your job to can them see it and

827
00:49:01,120 --> 00:49:03,640
Speaker 2: have to fix it either. You just want to try

828
00:49:03,680 --> 00:49:06,640
Speaker 2: and slowly introduce the idea to them in a subtle way.

829
00:49:06,800 --> 00:49:10,200
Speaker 2: So instead of being like, your parents are so immature,

830
00:49:10,760 --> 00:49:14,799
Speaker 2: try something like, hey, have you ever noticed like this thing?

831
00:49:15,360 --> 00:49:16,120
Speaker 3: How interesting?

832
00:49:16,719 --> 00:49:19,960
Speaker 2: Oh, how did you feel about that when they just

833
00:49:20,000 --> 00:49:22,520
Speaker 2: did what they did just now when they shut you down?

834
00:49:23,200 --> 00:49:25,600
Speaker 2: Have you ever noticed that you kind of have to

835
00:49:25,640 --> 00:49:27,000
Speaker 2: parent your parents emotionally?

836
00:49:27,400 --> 00:49:27,600
Speaker 3: Oh?

837
00:49:27,719 --> 00:49:30,880
Speaker 2: Is that something that's been going on for a while, Like, Oh,

838
00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:32,160
Speaker 2: explain where that came from.

839
00:49:32,239 --> 00:49:33,200
Speaker 3: I want to know more.

840
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:35,839
Speaker 2: About what it was like in your childhood. Like these

841
00:49:35,840 --> 00:49:40,760
Speaker 2: are very non judgmental openings that let them discover patterns

842
00:49:40,800 --> 00:49:43,160
Speaker 2: on their own. And I really want you to remember,

843
00:49:43,200 --> 00:49:46,080
Speaker 2: like your role is to listen. Your role is to

844
00:49:46,120 --> 00:49:51,160
Speaker 2: really just facilitate them figuring it out for themselves, and

845
00:49:51,239 --> 00:49:54,080
Speaker 2: just to be open to that not always being linear.

846
00:49:54,360 --> 00:49:57,760
Speaker 2: You know, they're not always going to be totally awaken,

847
00:49:57,840 --> 00:49:59,799
Speaker 2: open eyed to the fact that their parents have some

848
00:50:00,080 --> 00:50:04,200
Speaker 2: serious issues, like from the moment that you start introducing

849
00:50:04,239 --> 00:50:06,239
Speaker 2: the idea, and it might take them some time and

850
00:50:06,280 --> 00:50:10,680
Speaker 2: there might be excuses, but remember you don't have to

851
00:50:10,680 --> 00:50:12,520
Speaker 2: be around his family if you don't want to be.

852
00:50:14,080 --> 00:50:16,560
Speaker 2: If it comes up that's when you can discuss it.

853
00:50:18,640 --> 00:50:21,000
Speaker 2: But this is going to sound controversial, Like if this

854
00:50:21,120 --> 00:50:24,440
Speaker 2: is someone you consider one day marrying, you're marrying their

855
00:50:24,440 --> 00:50:27,040
Speaker 2: family as well. So if it does get to the

856
00:50:27,080 --> 00:50:31,040
Speaker 2: point where you have said something because it involves you

857
00:50:31,120 --> 00:50:34,040
Speaker 2: and they're like, nope, it's not like that. They're denying it,

858
00:50:34,120 --> 00:50:38,440
Speaker 2: they're not seeing it, really think about how that's going

859
00:50:38,520 --> 00:50:41,120
Speaker 2: to end up in their relationship with you, you know,

860
00:50:41,160 --> 00:50:43,520
Speaker 2: as we said, or with your children, Like as I

861
00:50:43,520 --> 00:50:44,800
Speaker 2: said before, some people.

862
00:50:44,680 --> 00:50:45,600
Speaker 3: End up being.

863
00:50:47,000 --> 00:50:51,879
Speaker 2: Very emotionally aware and very hyper independent and very they're

864
00:50:51,920 --> 00:50:56,560
Speaker 2: able to kind of interrupt the pattern of emotional generational

865
00:50:56,560 --> 00:50:59,799
Speaker 2: emotional immaturity. Other people aren't. And the people who aren't

866
00:50:59,800 --> 00:51:00,960
Speaker 2: are the ones who don't even.

867
00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:02,080
Speaker 3: Recognize it to begin with.

868
00:51:02,160 --> 00:51:05,600
Speaker 2: So not to make this a very serious conversation, but

869
00:51:06,040 --> 00:51:09,680
Speaker 2: at some point you may have to wonder or ask yourself,

870
00:51:10,200 --> 00:51:13,120
Speaker 2: if he can't recognize this in them, what if one

871
00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:14,000
Speaker 2: day that's us and.

872
00:51:13,960 --> 00:51:17,600
Speaker 3: He can't recognize it in himself? All right? Question number three?

873
00:51:18,320 --> 00:51:22,200
Speaker 2: How do not become like them? This is another really

874
00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:25,360
Speaker 2: big question. I think firstly, you're listening to this episode.

875
00:51:25,440 --> 00:51:29,280
Speaker 2: The fact that you're listening to this that you're curious, reflective, open,

876
00:51:29,560 --> 00:51:33,880
Speaker 2: that matters. You've basically already done I would say seventy

877
00:51:33,880 --> 00:51:34,719
Speaker 2: five percent.

878
00:51:34,400 --> 00:51:36,080
Speaker 3: Of the work, which is just acknowledgment.

879
00:51:36,600 --> 00:51:41,440
Speaker 2: The next step is just to sometimes really hold yourself

880
00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:44,000
Speaker 2: accountable to the point of discomfort.

881
00:51:44,200 --> 00:51:45,280
Speaker 3: And what I mean.

882
00:51:45,080 --> 00:51:48,399
Speaker 2: By that is you do genuinely have to be like, Hey,

883
00:51:48,719 --> 00:51:50,960
Speaker 2: the behavior that I'm exhibiting is not on and it

884
00:51:51,040 --> 00:51:54,240
Speaker 2: is reflective or it is reminiscent of how my parents

885
00:51:54,239 --> 00:51:56,920
Speaker 2: have perhaps related to me. I don't want to be

886
00:51:57,040 --> 00:52:00,920
Speaker 2: that person. The ball stops here. Try and focus on

887
00:52:00,960 --> 00:52:03,760
Speaker 2: some more positive examples. Who are people in your life

888
00:52:04,160 --> 00:52:10,400
Speaker 2: who emulate emotional maturity. Who are people who communicate openly,

889
00:52:11,680 --> 00:52:14,680
Speaker 2: look at their relationships and realize, like I, actually this

890
00:52:14,719 --> 00:52:17,759
Speaker 2: is very very healthy, and you know them just being

891
00:52:17,800 --> 00:52:21,160
Speaker 2: open about their feelings has not destroyed their connection. Ah,

892
00:52:21,320 --> 00:52:23,880
Speaker 2: that might be a possibility for me. I found that

893
00:52:23,960 --> 00:52:26,800
Speaker 2: I have a couple friends who are just so emotionally mature,

894
00:52:27,120 --> 00:52:30,440
Speaker 2: and I'm constantly just like so impressed by their ability

895
00:52:30,800 --> 00:52:33,640
Speaker 2: to handle their emotions and the emotions of others, and

896
00:52:34,000 --> 00:52:37,399
Speaker 2: it makes me want to be a better person. Think

897
00:52:37,440 --> 00:52:39,839
Speaker 2: about what your parents would do in a situation, and

898
00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:43,840
Speaker 2: do the opposite. Sometimes that is just like the easiest way.

899
00:52:43,680 --> 00:52:45,400
Speaker 3: To not become like them.

900
00:52:45,760 --> 00:52:48,600
Speaker 2: And therapy, Like, there is so much that a therapist

901
00:52:48,680 --> 00:52:51,680
Speaker 2: could help you see that I could never help you

902
00:52:51,719 --> 00:52:53,600
Speaker 2: see because I don't really know you. But also that

903
00:52:54,560 --> 00:52:57,319
Speaker 2: you just doing your own work and just trying to

904
00:52:57,360 --> 00:53:01,200
Speaker 2: solve it yourself. There's no me Like you need someone

905
00:53:01,239 --> 00:53:04,120
Speaker 2: sometimes to hold up a mirror to yourself and say, hey,

906
00:53:04,160 --> 00:53:06,600
Speaker 2: look where the shadows falling here? Have you noticed this

907
00:53:06,680 --> 00:53:10,560
Speaker 2: about yourself? It's super essential therapy for this kind of thing.

908
00:53:11,120 --> 00:53:14,960
Speaker 2: Top notch Okay, our fourth question, and I'll be honest,

909
00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:18,319
Speaker 2: Me and my partner spent like an hour talking about

910
00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:21,520
Speaker 2: this question last night. What do you do when you

911
00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:23,719
Speaker 2: want one parent in your life but not the other?

912
00:53:25,040 --> 00:53:26,720
Speaker 2: I will say I thought about it for a while.

913
00:53:27,920 --> 00:53:30,279
Speaker 2: The only specific advice I could come up with is

914
00:53:30,320 --> 00:53:32,960
Speaker 2: to talk to the parent you do want in your

915
00:53:33,000 --> 00:53:37,239
Speaker 2: life about it. See what they think. You know, they

916
00:53:37,880 --> 00:53:43,000
Speaker 2: understand your other parent, not just as a parent, but

917
00:53:43,040 --> 00:53:45,640
Speaker 2: as a partner as well, And I'm always surprised, like,

918
00:53:45,680 --> 00:53:48,279
Speaker 2: of course my parents know so much more about each

919
00:53:48,280 --> 00:53:52,360
Speaker 2: other than I do because they have this whole different relationship.

920
00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:56,000
Speaker 2: So invite the parent you want in your life, into

921
00:53:56,040 --> 00:54:00,239
Speaker 2: your thinking, and just see how they respond and if

922
00:54:00,239 --> 00:54:02,920
Speaker 2: they have any way of approaching it. I also want

923
00:54:02,920 --> 00:54:06,120
Speaker 2: to really recommend a podcast episode that talked about this

924
00:54:06,239 --> 00:54:11,360
Speaker 2: in such an anecdotal, personal, empathetic, wonderful way, and it's

925
00:54:11,640 --> 00:54:15,640
Speaker 2: from This American Life. It's episode eight hundred and twenty three,

926
00:54:16,120 --> 00:54:20,399
Speaker 2: The Question Trap. And in that podcast episode, they talk

927
00:54:21,080 --> 00:54:26,359
Speaker 2: to a family of two kids, mom and dad. One

928
00:54:26,400 --> 00:54:29,839
Speaker 2: of the kids is openly gay, and the father is

929
00:54:29,880 --> 00:54:34,360
Speaker 2: becoming increasingly right wing and he's anti vax and he's

930
00:54:34,400 --> 00:54:37,760
Speaker 2: having real I don't want to say difficulties. He's basically

931
00:54:37,800 --> 00:54:42,759
Speaker 2: just not accepting of his child's you know, I hate

932
00:54:42,800 --> 00:54:46,120
Speaker 2: to say lifestyle, but his child's identity, like at all.

933
00:54:46,880 --> 00:54:50,759
Speaker 2: And him and the mom are still together, and the

934
00:54:50,800 --> 00:54:55,480
Speaker 2: mother is just this wonderful, warm, kind person, and obviously

935
00:54:55,520 --> 00:54:58,000
Speaker 2: the children want to be friends with their mother, and

936
00:54:58,080 --> 00:55:01,279
Speaker 2: what they want to be still each other's lives, but

937
00:55:01,360 --> 00:55:03,920
Speaker 2: not with the father. And the way they handle it

938
00:55:03,960 --> 00:55:07,640
Speaker 2: is so complex and nuanced and interesting. And so although

939
00:55:07,680 --> 00:55:11,080
Speaker 2: I don't have specific detailed advice on this, listen to

940
00:55:11,080 --> 00:55:12,880
Speaker 2: that podcast episode. I think it will just make you

941
00:55:12,960 --> 00:55:16,200
Speaker 2: feel a lot less alone. And yeah, It really got

942
00:55:16,200 --> 00:55:20,000
Speaker 2: me thinking final question, how do I teach my parents'

943
00:55:20,000 --> 00:55:23,440
Speaker 2: basic emotional literacy regulation and communication.

944
00:55:25,360 --> 00:55:28,800
Speaker 3: You can't. I don't think you can. I'm sorry.

945
00:55:28,920 --> 00:55:35,040
Speaker 2: I think that if they wanted to do it, there.

946
00:55:34,920 --> 00:55:38,160
Speaker 3: Are resources, and.

947
00:55:39,560 --> 00:55:42,440
Speaker 2: At the age you are and at the age they are,

948
00:55:43,280 --> 00:55:47,560
Speaker 2: I'm sure they have encountered issues with their emotional immaturity

949
00:55:47,600 --> 00:55:52,520
Speaker 2: before and it really hasn't called them to change. What

950
00:55:52,600 --> 00:55:54,880
Speaker 2: I'm saying is not that they can't change, but that

951
00:55:54,920 --> 00:55:58,960
Speaker 2: it's not your job to convince them or to teach them.

952
00:55:59,400 --> 00:56:02,520
Speaker 2: What I'm saying is that they have every reason to

953
00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:05,680
Speaker 2: want to change already, if you've already brought it up

954
00:56:05,719 --> 00:56:08,960
Speaker 2: with them, if you've already talked about it with them,

955
00:56:09,040 --> 00:56:14,440
Speaker 2: trying to therefore teach them like they should already be

956
00:56:14,480 --> 00:56:17,359
Speaker 2: open to that, and if they're not, I don't think

957
00:56:17,400 --> 00:56:18,760
Speaker 2: it's your job, and I don't think.

958
00:56:18,600 --> 00:56:20,439
Speaker 3: You'll be that successful.

959
00:56:20,480 --> 00:56:24,239
Speaker 2: What we're really aiming for here is that their behaviors

960
00:56:24,239 --> 00:56:28,960
Speaker 2: don't get passed along, that you are okay, that you

961
00:56:29,200 --> 00:56:34,279
Speaker 2: feel safe in your other relationships, and that you have

962
00:56:34,320 --> 00:56:37,640
Speaker 2: proper boundaries with them, so that their poor emotional regulation

963
00:56:37,760 --> 00:56:42,279
Speaker 2: doesn't translate into your emotional tension and distress. And I'm

964
00:56:42,320 --> 00:56:45,640
Speaker 2: sure people will disagree with me on this, and maybe

965
00:56:45,640 --> 00:56:47,680
Speaker 2: one day I'll also disagree with myself and I will

966
00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:50,080
Speaker 2: change my mind, and I will let you know if

967
00:56:50,120 --> 00:56:53,279
Speaker 2: I do. But from everything that I was reading and

968
00:56:53,320 --> 00:56:56,919
Speaker 2: all the research, I just think that if someone doesn't

969
00:56:57,000 --> 00:57:00,320
Speaker 2: want to change, they will not change. If someone doesn't

970
00:57:00,320 --> 00:57:04,280
Speaker 2: want to learn, if someone has been given multiple opportunities

971
00:57:04,280 --> 00:57:08,880
Speaker 2: to learn and they have not done so, it's not your.

972
00:57:10,320 --> 00:57:10,800
Speaker 3: Issue.

973
00:57:11,239 --> 00:57:13,719
Speaker 2: And I just think it's yet another way that they

974
00:57:13,719 --> 00:57:17,040
Speaker 2: are parentifying you. Remember, they were meant to teach you

975
00:57:17,120 --> 00:57:20,600
Speaker 2: these things. That was your role as a child, and

976
00:57:20,640 --> 00:57:22,360
Speaker 2: so the fact that you feel like you need to

977
00:57:22,400 --> 00:57:26,120
Speaker 2: teach them is just further evidence of their parentification of you.

978
00:57:26,360 --> 00:57:29,880
Speaker 2: And I think engaging in this kind of thinking of

979
00:57:29,920 --> 00:57:32,120
Speaker 2: like I'm going to change them and I can help

980
00:57:32,160 --> 00:57:38,320
Speaker 2: them is actually just further involving you in the stress

981
00:57:38,400 --> 00:57:42,280
Speaker 2: and the drama and the discomfort of feeling like their

982
00:57:42,320 --> 00:57:45,440
Speaker 2: parents are not the other way around. I am totally

983
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:47,640
Speaker 2: open to feedback on that, So if someone has had

984
00:57:47,880 --> 00:57:50,600
Speaker 2: an experience in doing this, please let me know your

985
00:57:50,640 --> 00:57:54,720
Speaker 2: tips or your tips for any of these issues for

986
00:57:54,880 --> 00:57:58,280
Speaker 2: just handling this yourself. If you're someone who has gone

987
00:57:58,280 --> 00:58:00,720
Speaker 2: through this, who is going through this as we all

988
00:58:00,800 --> 00:58:02,800
Speaker 2: end up, you know, I feel like there is no

989
00:58:03,120 --> 00:58:06,360
Speaker 2: end point to going through this. What have you done

990
00:58:06,360 --> 00:58:08,560
Speaker 2: to help yourself? What have you done to manage this?

991
00:58:09,080 --> 00:58:11,640
Speaker 2: What have you done to put up boundaries? I want

992
00:58:11,680 --> 00:58:14,560
Speaker 2: to know leave some suggestions in the comments for others

993
00:58:14,600 --> 00:58:17,600
Speaker 2: who are dealing with this, also as a reminder that

994
00:58:17,640 --> 00:58:22,080
Speaker 2: you are not alone. Emotional immaturity from previous generations. It's

995
00:58:22,080 --> 00:58:25,080
Speaker 2: now on a decline, but we're still dealing with the

996
00:58:25,120 --> 00:58:30,920
Speaker 2: remnants of a very suppressed, stagnant, closed off society. And

997
00:58:30,960 --> 00:58:34,640
Speaker 2: it's really frickin' tough. And it's so tough when you're

998
00:58:34,680 --> 00:58:37,760
Speaker 2: looking at your parents being like, be an adult for once,

999
00:58:38,320 --> 00:58:42,120
Speaker 2: Be my fucking parent. That's your job, not my job.

1000
00:58:42,560 --> 00:58:44,520
Speaker 2: Be mature, and they just can't do it.

1001
00:58:44,560 --> 00:58:45,520
Speaker 3: So I have a.

1002
00:58:45,520 --> 00:58:49,680
Speaker 2: Lot of love for you. You deserve to be seen, valued,

1003
00:58:50,200 --> 00:58:53,760
Speaker 2: cared for. You deserve to have them help you regulate

1004
00:58:53,880 --> 00:58:56,960
Speaker 2: rather than the other way around. But I promise you

1005
00:58:57,000 --> 00:58:59,160
Speaker 2: there are relationships out there where you won't have to

1006
00:58:59,200 --> 00:59:04,040
Speaker 2: do this continuous, where there is a healthy emotional framework

1007
00:59:04,200 --> 00:59:08,320
Speaker 2: and emotional relationship waiting for you. So I hope you

1008
00:59:08,360 --> 00:59:11,800
Speaker 2: find it and know you're not alone in this. If

1009
00:59:11,840 --> 00:59:14,040
Speaker 2: you enjoyed this episode, send it to someone who you

1010
00:59:14,080 --> 00:59:17,280
Speaker 2: think may also benefit from it. Share it online, Share

1011
00:59:17,320 --> 00:59:20,720
Speaker 2: it on Instagram. I love seeing where you guys are listening.

1012
00:59:21,120 --> 00:59:23,640
Speaker 2: Make sure that you are following me on Instagram at

1013
00:59:23,720 --> 00:59:27,880
Speaker 2: that Psychology podcast so you can be involved in future episodes,

1014
00:59:27,880 --> 00:59:31,360
Speaker 2: listener questions, or just know when episodes go live. Make

1015
00:59:31,400 --> 00:59:33,200
Speaker 2: sure to buy my book if you feel cool to

1016
00:59:33,200 --> 00:59:36,600
Speaker 2: do so called Person in Progress. It's been out for

1017
00:59:36,680 --> 00:59:40,200
Speaker 2: exactly a month, and I'm still in shock by that fact.

1018
00:59:40,320 --> 00:59:43,320
Speaker 2: But the response has just been so beautiful and I

1019
00:59:43,360 --> 00:59:46,120
Speaker 2: can't get into it because I'll get emotional. But thank you,

1020
00:59:46,200 --> 00:59:49,520
Speaker 2: thank you, thank you, and until next time, stay safe,

1021
00:59:49,760 --> 00:59:53,680
Speaker 2: be kind, make sure you're following along, be gentle with yourself,

1022
00:59:53,720 --> 00:59:55,280
Speaker 2: and we will talk very very soon,