Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly
Speaker 1: conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small
Speaker 1: decisions we can make to become the best possible versions
Speaker 1: of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,
Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or
Speaker 1: to find a therapist in your area, visit our website
Speaker 1: at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you
Speaker 1: love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is
Speaker 1: not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with
Speaker 1: a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much
Speaker 1: for joining me for session four forty seven of the
Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our
Speaker 1: conversation after word from our sponsors. Friendships are a lifeline
Speaker 1: for us. Friends keep our secrets, they celebrate our wins,
Speaker 1: and hold us up during the difficult times. So when
Speaker 1: a friendship ends for whatever reason, there's an acute grief
Speaker 1: associated with no longer having this lifeline, and sadly, this
Speaker 1: grief is often misunderstood and minimized. Today, I'm sharing some
Speaker 1: thoughts on why friendship breakups are so difficult to navigate.
Speaker 1: What kind of support you may need to get through one,
Speaker 1: and how you might know if it's time for a
Speaker 1: friendship to end. When we were planning out the episodes
Speaker 1: for this year's January Jumpstar series, we knew we wanted
Speaker 1: to include an episode on friendship breakups because there aren't
Speaker 1: enough spaces that talk about ways you change after a
Speaker 1: friendship ends, about the grief you carry, the stories and
Speaker 1: laughs that you feel like no longer have a place
Speaker 1: to live. And so our hope is that this episode
Speaker 1: gives you a place to land, a place where your
Speaker 1: grief can be seen and honored. Let's start by digging
Speaker 1: more into the grief associated with the ending of a friendship.
Speaker 1: And I actually talk about this quite a bit in
Speaker 1: my Book's Sisterhood. Heals the grief associated with something like
Speaker 1: a friendship breakup or the loss of a job. These
Speaker 1: things fall into the category of what we call disenfranchised grief.
Speaker 1: This is grief that is the result of experiences that
Speaker 1: fall outside of what people typically think should be grieved.
Speaker 1: For example, when a loved one dies, there's typically a
Speaker 1: huge outpouring of support. There are rituals that are followed,
Speaker 1: people show up with food and other things to comfort you.
Speaker 1: You often get time off from work. There's a very
Speaker 1: clear understanding that this is an upsetting experience and that
Speaker 1: of course you should be tended to gently with this
Speaker 1: enfranchise grief. Those same rituals don't often exist, and so
Speaker 1: it's not uncommon that you will hear people say things like, oh,
Speaker 1: she wasn't a good friend to you anyway, or oh,
Speaker 1: don't worry about it, you have plenty of other friends. Well,
Speaker 1: even if those things are true, it doesn't actually help
Speaker 1: the person who is currently feeling devastated that they no
Speaker 1: longer have the same connection they've once did to somebody
Speaker 1: who's been very important in their lives. So the grief
Speaker 1: related to friendship breakups can be more intense because it's
Speaker 1: not honored in the same ways, and others don't always
Speaker 1: hold space for the sadness and the grief that is
Speaker 1: actually associated with losing a friend. The grief of friendship
Speaker 1: loss is also incredibly painful because we often create entire
Speaker 1: worlds with our friends. They're shared history, they shared language,
Speaker 1: inside jokes, et cetera. Our friends are often our chosen family.
Speaker 1: They extend the ones that were created in our families
Speaker 1: of origin, and even in some cases replace them. Friendships
Speaker 1: are not placeholders or substitutions for something else. They are
Speaker 1: central and relevant relationships with people who we choose and
Speaker 1: who choose us. So when they end, where do all
Speaker 1: of those memories and stories go? Who else will get
Speaker 1: those jokes? Losing this kind of connection is painful and
Speaker 1: can often lead to a real crisis in belonging, identity,
Speaker 1: and worth. The ending of a friendship also poses challenges
Speaker 1: like what happens with mutual friends? Do you still visit
Speaker 1: the same places that y'all went to together? Do you
Speaker 1: remove any evidence of them from your TikTok? Do you
Speaker 1: have to share this information with your online platforms? In
Speaker 1: terms of mutual friends, I think it's good to have
Speaker 1: a conversation with them about what you'd like to happen
Speaker 1: move forward. If you prefer not to be invited to
Speaker 1: anything with a former friend anymore, or at least for
Speaker 1: the time being, it's okay to say that if you
Speaker 1: prefer they not share updates about you with them, and
Speaker 1: vice versa. It's also okay to say that, and it's
Speaker 1: also okay to expect and acknowledge that your feelings may change.
Speaker 1: How you feel one month after the breakup may be
Speaker 1: completely different than how you feel two years after the breakup,
Speaker 1: and I think it's a good rule of thumb for
Speaker 1: navigating any of these experiences post breakup to choose what
Speaker 1: feels right to you and honors your feelings in that moment,
Speaker 1: and to stay open to the idea that things will
Speaker 1: likely shift. One of the things that often comes up
Speaker 1: in conversation about friendship breakups is how do you know
Speaker 1: when to end things with a friend? And since it's
Speaker 1: the beginning of a new year and you may be
Speaker 1: in the process of evaluating your relationships, let's get into
Speaker 1: a little bit of that. It would be impossible to
Speaker 1: go through all the scenarios that might result in you
Speaker 1: deciding to end a friendship. Generally, I think experiences where
Speaker 1: you feel like your needs are not being met consistently
Speaker 1: and repeatedly, even after you've been clear and asking is
Speaker 1: a red flag. When you are being disrespected, taunted, and belittled,
Speaker 1: that is a red flag. When trust is violated and
Speaker 1: the violation is too large for you to overcome, This
Speaker 1: is likely an indication that it may be best to
Speaker 1: walk away. It's important to note here that friendships don't
Speaker 1: always end because some big bad thing happened. Sometimes we
Speaker 1: just grow apart, we just move in different directions. This
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that it hurts any less to lose that connection,
Speaker 1: but I do think is an important caveat, because I
Speaker 1: think many of us hold on to connections where we
Speaker 1: are not being honored and our needs are not being
Speaker 1: met simply because nothing awful has happened. And I want
Speaker 1: you to know that it is okay to walk away
Speaker 1: simply because you no longer feel like something is a
Speaker 1: good fit for you. And I wonder if we can
Speaker 1: actually hold space for that the ways that we sometimes
Speaker 1: just grow apart. No one has to be the villain.
Speaker 1: There is no love lost. We are simply in different
Speaker 1: places that may no longer intersect. Some signs that a
Speaker 1: relationship actually may be worth repairing are one if sincere
Speaker 1: apologies are offered for any wrongdoing, or if the rupture
Speaker 1: is caused by a life transition something like a new child,
Speaker 1: a move, a new job. These kinds of things often
Speaker 1: uproot our sense of normalcy in a way that's really upsetting,
Speaker 1: but it can also be really joyous, And so I
Speaker 1: think we get confused and don't always have the words
Speaker 1: and the language to talk about how we're feeling in
Speaker 1: these moments, and so we don't know how to say
Speaker 1: I miss you, even though I know baby needs all
Speaker 1: of your attention right now. I think that those kinds
Speaker 1: of ruptures can be repaired and friendships can actually be
Speaker 1: stronger on the other side, if all parties are committed
Speaker 1: to actually hearing each other more from our conversation after
Speaker 1: the break. Now that we've talked about the grief related
Speaker 1: to friendship breakups and how to know if you need
Speaker 1: to end one, we also have to take a very
Speaker 1: close and long look at ourselves in relationships and how
Speaker 1: our own stuff shows up in our friendships. Are we
Speaker 1: someone who gives and gives without ever asking for support
Speaker 1: and then becomes resentful. Always someone who gets jealous if
Speaker 1: a friend makes a new friend and now we don't
Speaker 1: feel like there's any longer a place for us. Always
Speaker 1: someone who makes romantic love central in our lives, leaving
Speaker 1: our our girls to feel left out and unimportant. Because
Speaker 1: relationships involve multiple people when they end, it's important to
Speaker 1: look at what role we played in the relationship and
Speaker 1: how we might want to show up differently in the future,
Speaker 1: if at all, not as a way of shaming ourselves
Speaker 1: or placing blame, but as an honest assessment of who
Speaker 1: we were in that relationship. There are things about ourselves
Speaker 1: that we may not even know about ourselves until it
Speaker 1: is revealed in the confines of a relationship. Maybe we
Speaker 1: did way too much sacrificing, or maybe we struggle to
Speaker 1: assert ourselves and ask for what we needed. Maybe we
Speaker 1: took up too much space and didn't show up in
Speaker 1: the ways we had hoped we would. Maybe we've been
Speaker 1: taught that conflict is a dirty word and that at
Speaker 1: the first sign of a disagreement we have to get out.
Speaker 1: All of this is valuable information to know about ourselves
Speaker 1: that can actually help inform how we show up in
Speaker 1: relationships in the future. So what happens next? The friendship
Speaker 1: has ended, and maybe you still feel conflicted because you
Speaker 1: don't know exactly why it ended. This is often difficult
Speaker 1: because our mind wants to make sense of things A
Speaker 1: plus B equal C, So it may feel difficult to
Speaker 1: move on without this closure. But the truth is that
Speaker 1: oftentimes closure is something we have to give ourselves. That
Speaker 1: means crying it out when you feel like you need to.
Speaker 1: Leaning on supportive people who don't make you feel silly
Speaker 1: about the friendship breakup. Maybe that's other friends, maybe it's
Speaker 1: a therapist, but it needs to be someone. Healing is
Speaker 1: not meant to happen alone. Ask for the support that
Speaker 1: you so readily offer to other people, and when you're ready,
Speaker 1: there will be new friends. Much like with a romantic breakup.
Speaker 1: In the thick of it, you can't imagine you'll ever
Speaker 1: love again, but you do, and you will. It's important
Speaker 1: to know that all the new people who come into
Speaker 1: your life won't necessarily hurt you or disappoint you, and
Speaker 1: that even if that next friend is not your new BFF,
Speaker 1: you have the resources and support to deal with disappointment
Speaker 1: and rejection. You're now armed with new information about who
Speaker 1: you are, about what you desire and a friend, and
Speaker 1: about what you would like friendship to feel like. As
Speaker 1: painful as it is, and you may not be here yet,
Speaker 1: there are new people to choose and new people who
Speaker 1: will choose you. If you're currently experiencing the loss of
Speaker 1: a friendship, I want you to know that you are
Speaker 1: not alone and that the grief you're feeling is valid.
Speaker 1: Something that may help is taking some time to write
Speaker 1: a letter to this former friend sharing all the things
Speaker 1: you feel like have been left unsaid. What apologies do
Speaker 1: you want to offer? What apologies do you feel like
Speaker 1: you are actually old in? What ways? Do you feel
Speaker 1: like you failed to show up in? What ways? Could
Speaker 1: they have showed up more? What lingering questions do you have?
Speaker 1: What would you want to say or know if you
Speaker 1: could have one final conversation with this person now. This
Speaker 1: is not a letter that you will send. This is
Speaker 1: simply an exercise for you to get clearer on what
Speaker 1: you're actually holding. One thing that I wish that more
Speaker 1: people understood about friendship breakups is that the grief is
Speaker 1: very real, and that tenderness and gentleness go a very
Speaker 1: long way. A green flag in relationships or friends who
Speaker 1: are just excited or maybe even more excited about your
Speaker 1: accomplishments and achievements as you are. Something to release this
Speaker 1: year to make space for better relationships is our reluctance
Speaker 1: to ask for help. If you're in the middle of
Speaker 1: a friendship breakup right now, I want you to cry
Speaker 1: as long as you need to, but also know that
Speaker 1: you will be okay and that you have not yet
Speaker 1: met all the people who will love you In one
Speaker 1: word my twenty twenty six metamorphosis is ease. To support
Speaker 1: my metamorphosis this year, I am more fiercely protecting my time.
Speaker 1: If you find yourself waiting through the waters of a
Speaker 1: friendship breakup, I hope this has been helpful to you.
Speaker 1: If you're looking for support, we love to have you
Speaker 1: join us in our patreon for our Sunday night check in,
Speaker 1: where we will be walking through the pages of our
Speaker 1: Friendship Breakup Companion guide, designed to help you process the
Speaker 1: grief of the breakup. You can join us at community
Speaker 1: dot therapy for blackgirls dot com. If you have additional
Speaker 1: questions you'd like to have answered after you listen to
Speaker 1: the episode, or have ideas for another topic you'd like
Speaker 1: to hear discussed, send us a message at Therapy for
Speaker 1: Blackgirls dot com, slash mailbox, or leave us a voice
Speaker 1: message at Memo dot fm slash Therapy for Black Girls.
Speaker 1: This episode was produced by Elise Ellis, Indechubu and Tyree Rush.
Speaker 1: Editing was done by Dennis and Bradford. Thank y'all so
Speaker 1: much for joining me again this week. I look forward
Speaker 1: to continuing this conversation with you all real soon. Take
Speaker 1: good care,