WEBVTT - Session 447: Getting Through Friendship Breakups 0:00:10.840 --> 0:00:14.480 Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, a weekly 0:00:14.560 --> 0:00:19.320 conversation about mental health, personal development, and all the small 0:00:19.360 --> 0:00:22.480 decisions we can make to become the best possible versions 0:00:22.520 --> 0:00:26.600 of ourselves. I'm your host, doctor Joy hard and Bradford, 0:00:27.000 --> 0:00:32.040 a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. For more information or 0:00:32.200 --> 0:00:35.600 to find a therapist in your area, visit our website 0:00:35.720 --> 0:00:39.440 at Therapy for Blackgirls dot com. While I hope you 0:00:39.479 --> 0:00:43.479 love listening to and learning from the podcast, it is 0:00:43.520 --> 0:00:46.400 not meant to be a substitute for a relationship with 0:00:46.479 --> 0:00:57.440 a licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, thanks so much 0:00:57.440 --> 0:00:59.680 for joining me for session four forty seven of the 0:00:59.680 --> 0:01:02.880 Therapy for Black Girls Podcast. We'll get right into our 0:01:02.920 --> 0:01:16.680 conversation after word from our sponsors. Friendships are a lifeline 0:01:16.680 --> 0:01:20.679 for us. Friends keep our secrets, they celebrate our wins, 0:01:20.760 --> 0:01:23.720 and hold us up during the difficult times. So when 0:01:23.720 --> 0:01:27.400 a friendship ends for whatever reason, there's an acute grief 0:01:27.440 --> 0:01:31.560 associated with no longer having this lifeline, and sadly, this 0:01:31.680 --> 0:01:36.400 grief is often misunderstood and minimized. Today, I'm sharing some 0:01:36.480 --> 0:01:39.640 thoughts on why friendship breakups are so difficult to navigate. 0:01:40.160 --> 0:01:42.640 What kind of support you may need to get through one, 0:01:43.040 --> 0:01:45.080 and how you might know if it's time for a 0:01:45.120 --> 0:01:52.320 friendship to end. When we were planning out the episodes 0:01:52.320 --> 0:01:55.480 for this year's January Jumpstar series, we knew we wanted 0:01:55.480 --> 0:01:58.559 to include an episode on friendship breakups because there aren't 0:01:58.640 --> 0:02:01.400 enough spaces that talk about ways you change after a 0:02:01.400 --> 0:02:05.520 friendship ends, about the grief you carry, the stories and 0:02:05.640 --> 0:02:07.960 laughs that you feel like no longer have a place 0:02:08.000 --> 0:02:10.880 to live. And so our hope is that this episode 0:02:10.880 --> 0:02:13.560 gives you a place to land, a place where your 0:02:13.560 --> 0:02:17.760 grief can be seen and honored. Let's start by digging 0:02:17.800 --> 0:02:20.480 more into the grief associated with the ending of a friendship. 0:02:20.880 --> 0:02:22.640 And I actually talk about this quite a bit in 0:02:22.680 --> 0:02:26.080 my Book's Sisterhood. Heals the grief associated with something like 0:02:26.080 --> 0:02:28.880 a friendship breakup or the loss of a job. These 0:02:28.919 --> 0:02:32.440 things fall into the category of what we call disenfranchised grief. 0:02:33.000 --> 0:02:35.360 This is grief that is the result of experiences that 0:02:35.440 --> 0:02:38.560 fall outside of what people typically think should be grieved. 0:02:39.040 --> 0:02:42.440 For example, when a loved one dies, there's typically a 0:02:42.600 --> 0:02:46.400 huge outpouring of support. There are rituals that are followed, 0:02:46.840 --> 0:02:50.119 people show up with food and other things to comfort you. 0:02:50.120 --> 0:02:53.200 You often get time off from work. There's a very 0:02:53.240 --> 0:02:56.520 clear understanding that this is an upsetting experience and that 0:02:56.639 --> 0:03:00.320 of course you should be tended to gently with this 0:03:00.480 --> 0:03:04.960 enfranchise grief. Those same rituals don't often exist, and so 0:03:05.000 --> 0:03:08.799 it's not uncommon that you will hear people say things like, oh, 0:03:08.840 --> 0:03:11.799 she wasn't a good friend to you anyway, or oh, 0:03:11.840 --> 0:03:15.640 don't worry about it, you have plenty of other friends. Well, 0:03:15.960 --> 0:03:19.920 even if those things are true, it doesn't actually help 0:03:19.960 --> 0:03:23.680 the person who is currently feeling devastated that they no 0:03:23.760 --> 0:03:26.560 longer have the same connection they've once did to somebody 0:03:26.560 --> 0:03:30.400 who's been very important in their lives. So the grief 0:03:30.440 --> 0:03:33.679 related to friendship breakups can be more intense because it's 0:03:33.720 --> 0:03:37.240 not honored in the same ways, and others don't always 0:03:37.320 --> 0:03:40.320 hold space for the sadness and the grief that is 0:03:40.320 --> 0:03:43.800 actually associated with losing a friend. The grief of friendship 0:03:43.880 --> 0:03:48.080 loss is also incredibly painful because we often create entire 0:03:48.200 --> 0:03:52.440 worlds with our friends. They're shared history, they shared language, 0:03:52.720 --> 0:03:57.240 inside jokes, et cetera. Our friends are often our chosen family. 0:03:57.920 --> 0:04:00.480 They extend the ones that were created in our families 0:04:00.520 --> 0:04:05.120 of origin, and even in some cases replace them. Friendships 0:04:05.160 --> 0:04:09.240 are not placeholders or substitutions for something else. They are 0:04:09.400 --> 0:04:14.000 central and relevant relationships with people who we choose and 0:04:14.040 --> 0:04:18.040 who choose us. So when they end, where do all 0:04:18.120 --> 0:04:22.400 of those memories and stories go? Who else will get 0:04:22.480 --> 0:04:26.919 those jokes? Losing this kind of connection is painful and 0:04:27.000 --> 0:04:30.919 can often lead to a real crisis in belonging, identity, 0:04:31.200 --> 0:04:35.600 and worth. The ending of a friendship also poses challenges 0:04:35.680 --> 0:04:39.760 like what happens with mutual friends? Do you still visit 0:04:39.800 --> 0:04:42.880 the same places that y'all went to together? Do you 0:04:42.960 --> 0:04:46.800 remove any evidence of them from your TikTok? Do you 0:04:46.880 --> 0:04:50.840 have to share this information with your online platforms? In 0:04:50.920 --> 0:04:53.200 terms of mutual friends, I think it's good to have 0:04:53.240 --> 0:04:55.880 a conversation with them about what you'd like to happen 0:04:56.000 --> 0:04:59.359 move forward. If you prefer not to be invited to 0:04:59.440 --> 0:05:02.359 anything with a former friend anymore, or at least for 0:05:02.400 --> 0:05:05.520 the time being, it's okay to say that if you 0:05:05.600 --> 0:05:08.479 prefer they not share updates about you with them, and 0:05:08.600 --> 0:05:12.240 vice versa. It's also okay to say that, and it's 0:05:12.279 --> 0:05:15.960 also okay to expect and acknowledge that your feelings may change. 0:05:16.520 --> 0:05:19.080 How you feel one month after the breakup may be 0:05:19.200 --> 0:05:23.120 completely different than how you feel two years after the breakup, 0:05:23.800 --> 0:05:25.440 and I think it's a good rule of thumb for 0:05:25.520 --> 0:05:29.400 navigating any of these experiences post breakup to choose what 0:05:29.600 --> 0:05:33.440 feels right to you and honors your feelings in that moment, 0:05:34.080 --> 0:05:36.640 and to stay open to the idea that things will 0:05:36.800 --> 0:05:40.520 likely shift. One of the things that often comes up 0:05:40.560 --> 0:05:43.800 in conversation about friendship breakups is how do you know 0:05:44.080 --> 0:05:46.760 when to end things with a friend? And since it's 0:05:46.800 --> 0:05:48.840 the beginning of a new year and you may be 0:05:48.920 --> 0:05:52.320 in the process of evaluating your relationships, let's get into 0:05:52.400 --> 0:05:55.240 a little bit of that. It would be impossible to 0:05:55.279 --> 0:05:57.800 go through all the scenarios that might result in you 0:05:57.880 --> 0:06:02.360 deciding to end a friendship. Generally, I think experiences where 0:06:02.400 --> 0:06:05.799 you feel like your needs are not being met consistently 0:06:06.000 --> 0:06:10.240 and repeatedly, even after you've been clear and asking is 0:06:10.279 --> 0:06:15.640 a red flag. When you are being disrespected, taunted, and belittled, 0:06:16.200 --> 0:06:20.120 that is a red flag. When trust is violated and 0:06:20.160 --> 0:06:23.839 the violation is too large for you to overcome, This 0:06:24.040 --> 0:06:26.479 is likely an indication that it may be best to 0:06:26.560 --> 0:06:30.479 walk away. It's important to note here that friendships don't 0:06:30.480 --> 0:06:34.520 always end because some big bad thing happened. Sometimes we 0:06:34.680 --> 0:06:38.400 just grow apart, we just move in different directions. This 0:06:38.520 --> 0:06:41.200 doesn't mean that it hurts any less to lose that connection, 0:06:41.680 --> 0:06:44.480 but I do think is an important caveat, because I 0:06:44.520 --> 0:06:47.040 think many of us hold on to connections where we 0:06:47.080 --> 0:06:49.640 are not being honored and our needs are not being 0:06:49.680 --> 0:06:54.080 met simply because nothing awful has happened. And I want 0:06:54.120 --> 0:06:56.680 you to know that it is okay to walk away 0:06:57.240 --> 0:06:59.800 simply because you no longer feel like something is a 0:06:59.839 --> 0:07:02.760 good fit for you. And I wonder if we can 0:07:02.800 --> 0:07:06.520 actually hold space for that the ways that we sometimes 0:07:06.680 --> 0:07:09.880 just grow apart. No one has to be the villain. 0:07:10.520 --> 0:07:14.000 There is no love lost. We are simply in different 0:07:14.000 --> 0:07:20.200 places that may no longer intersect. Some signs that a 0:07:20.320 --> 0:07:24.880 relationship actually may be worth repairing are one if sincere 0:07:25.000 --> 0:07:29.600 apologies are offered for any wrongdoing, or if the rupture 0:07:29.760 --> 0:07:33.120 is caused by a life transition something like a new child, 0:07:33.840 --> 0:07:37.320 a move, a new job. These kinds of things often 0:07:37.480 --> 0:07:40.760 uproot our sense of normalcy in a way that's really upsetting, 0:07:41.240 --> 0:07:43.520 but it can also be really joyous, And so I 0:07:43.520 --> 0:07:46.280 think we get confused and don't always have the words 0:07:46.320 --> 0:07:48.560 and the language to talk about how we're feeling in 0:07:48.600 --> 0:07:51.200 these moments, and so we don't know how to say 0:07:51.280 --> 0:07:54.520 I miss you, even though I know baby needs all 0:07:54.520 --> 0:07:57.440 of your attention right now. I think that those kinds 0:07:57.480 --> 0:08:00.200 of ruptures can be repaired and friendships can actually be 0:08:00.240 --> 0:08:03.760 stronger on the other side, if all parties are committed 0:08:03.840 --> 0:08:17.880 to actually hearing each other more from our conversation after 0:08:17.920 --> 0:08:29.480 the break. Now that we've talked about the grief related 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:31.600 to friendship breakups and how to know if you need 0:08:31.640 --> 0:08:34.400 to end one, we also have to take a very 0:08:34.440 --> 0:08:38.520 close and long look at ourselves in relationships and how 0:08:38.559 --> 0:08:42.280 our own stuff shows up in our friendships. Are we 0:08:42.400 --> 0:08:45.600 someone who gives and gives without ever asking for support 0:08:45.800 --> 0:08:50.200 and then becomes resentful. Always someone who gets jealous if 0:08:50.200 --> 0:08:52.560 a friend makes a new friend and now we don't 0:08:52.559 --> 0:08:56.439 feel like there's any longer a place for us. Always 0:08:56.440 --> 0:08:59.800 someone who makes romantic love central in our lives, leaving 0:08:59.840 --> 0:09:03.960 our our girls to feel left out and unimportant. Because 0:09:04.040 --> 0:09:08.840 relationships involve multiple people when they end, it's important to 0:09:08.880 --> 0:09:11.640 look at what role we played in the relationship and 0:09:11.679 --> 0:09:14.040 how we might want to show up differently in the future, 0:09:14.360 --> 0:09:17.640 if at all, not as a way of shaming ourselves 0:09:17.720 --> 0:09:21.200 or placing blame, but as an honest assessment of who 0:09:21.240 --> 0:09:25.160 we were in that relationship. There are things about ourselves 0:09:25.160 --> 0:09:27.840 that we may not even know about ourselves until it 0:09:27.920 --> 0:09:31.720 is revealed in the confines of a relationship. Maybe we 0:09:31.760 --> 0:09:34.840 did way too much sacrificing, or maybe we struggle to 0:09:34.880 --> 0:09:38.760 assert ourselves and ask for what we needed. Maybe we 0:09:38.800 --> 0:09:40.840 took up too much space and didn't show up in 0:09:40.880 --> 0:09:44.240 the ways we had hoped we would. Maybe we've been 0:09:44.280 --> 0:09:46.679 taught that conflict is a dirty word and that at 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:49.560 the first sign of a disagreement we have to get out. 0:09:50.440 --> 0:09:53.600 All of this is valuable information to know about ourselves 0:09:54.000 --> 0:09:56.480 that can actually help inform how we show up in 0:09:56.559 --> 0:10:02.960 relationships in the future. So what happens next? The friendship 0:10:02.960 --> 0:10:05.960 has ended, and maybe you still feel conflicted because you 0:10:06.000 --> 0:10:10.160 don't know exactly why it ended. This is often difficult 0:10:10.160 --> 0:10:12.920 because our mind wants to make sense of things A 0:10:13.040 --> 0:10:16.240 plus B equal C, So it may feel difficult to 0:10:16.280 --> 0:10:19.040 move on without this closure. But the truth is that 0:10:19.120 --> 0:10:23.400 oftentimes closure is something we have to give ourselves. That 0:10:23.440 --> 0:10:25.760 means crying it out when you feel like you need to. 0:10:26.679 --> 0:10:29.600 Leaning on supportive people who don't make you feel silly 0:10:29.640 --> 0:10:33.160 about the friendship breakup. Maybe that's other friends, maybe it's 0:10:33.160 --> 0:10:36.679 a therapist, but it needs to be someone. Healing is 0:10:36.760 --> 0:10:40.600 not meant to happen alone. Ask for the support that 0:10:40.640 --> 0:10:45.760 you so readily offer to other people, and when you're ready, 0:10:46.400 --> 0:10:50.360 there will be new friends. Much like with a romantic breakup. 0:10:50.480 --> 0:10:52.960 In the thick of it, you can't imagine you'll ever 0:10:53.040 --> 0:10:58.000 love again, but you do, and you will. It's important 0:10:58.040 --> 0:10:59.920 to know that all the new people who come into 0:10:59.880 --> 0:11:03.520 your life won't necessarily hurt you or disappoint you, and 0:11:03.520 --> 0:11:06.360 that even if that next friend is not your new BFF, 0:11:06.840 --> 0:11:09.760 you have the resources and support to deal with disappointment 0:11:09.840 --> 0:11:13.720 and rejection. You're now armed with new information about who 0:11:13.760 --> 0:11:16.960 you are, about what you desire and a friend, and 0:11:17.080 --> 0:11:20.400 about what you would like friendship to feel like. As 0:11:20.440 --> 0:11:23.160 painful as it is, and you may not be here yet, 0:11:23.840 --> 0:11:26.520 there are new people to choose and new people who 0:11:26.520 --> 0:11:30.840 will choose you. If you're currently experiencing the loss of 0:11:30.840 --> 0:11:33.280 a friendship, I want you to know that you are 0:11:33.360 --> 0:11:36.600 not alone and that the grief you're feeling is valid. 0:11:37.520 --> 0:11:40.000 Something that may help is taking some time to write 0:11:40.000 --> 0:11:43.120 a letter to this former friend sharing all the things 0:11:43.160 --> 0:11:47.200 you feel like have been left unsaid. What apologies do 0:11:47.240 --> 0:11:50.560 you want to offer? What apologies do you feel like 0:11:50.600 --> 0:11:54.079 you are actually old in? What ways? Do you feel 0:11:54.080 --> 0:11:58.080 like you failed to show up in? What ways? Could 0:11:58.120 --> 0:12:02.360 they have showed up more? What lingering questions do you have? 0:12:03.640 --> 0:12:06.120 What would you want to say or know if you 0:12:06.120 --> 0:12:10.319 could have one final conversation with this person now. This 0:12:10.400 --> 0:12:12.920 is not a letter that you will send. This is 0:12:12.960 --> 0:12:16.000 simply an exercise for you to get clearer on what 0:12:16.080 --> 0:12:19.199 you're actually holding. One thing that I wish that more 0:12:19.240 --> 0:12:22.360 people understood about friendship breakups is that the grief is 0:12:22.520 --> 0:12:26.360 very real, and that tenderness and gentleness go a very 0:12:26.400 --> 0:12:31.880 long way. A green flag in relationships or friends who 0:12:32.040 --> 0:12:35.839 are just excited or maybe even more excited about your 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:40.280 accomplishments and achievements as you are. Something to release this 0:12:40.440 --> 0:12:44.120 year to make space for better relationships is our reluctance 0:12:44.200 --> 0:12:46.079 to ask for help. If you're in the middle of 0:12:46.120 --> 0:12:49.120 a friendship breakup right now, I want you to cry 0:12:49.160 --> 0:12:52.400 as long as you need to, but also know that 0:12:52.480 --> 0:12:55.320 you will be okay and that you have not yet 0:12:55.400 --> 0:12:58.880 met all the people who will love you In one 0:12:58.920 --> 0:13:05.080 word my twenty twenty six metamorphosis is ease. To support 0:13:05.120 --> 0:13:09.559 my metamorphosis this year, I am more fiercely protecting my time. 0:13:13.400 --> 0:13:15.480 If you find yourself waiting through the waters of a 0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:18.360 friendship breakup, I hope this has been helpful to you. 0:13:18.960 --> 0:13:21.320 If you're looking for support, we love to have you 0:13:21.400 --> 0:13:23.960 join us in our patreon for our Sunday night check in, 0:13:24.360 --> 0:13:26.480 where we will be walking through the pages of our 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:30.240 Friendship Breakup Companion guide, designed to help you process the 0:13:30.240 --> 0:13:33.120 grief of the breakup. You can join us at community 0:13:33.200 --> 0:13:36.960 dot therapy for blackgirls dot com. If you have additional 0:13:37.040 --> 0:13:39.320 questions you'd like to have answered after you listen to 0:13:39.360 --> 0:13:42.520 the episode, or have ideas for another topic you'd like 0:13:42.640 --> 0:13:45.599 to hear discussed, send us a message at Therapy for 0:13:45.679 --> 0:13:49.040 Blackgirls dot com, slash mailbox, or leave us a voice 0:13:49.080 --> 0:13:52.520 message at Memo dot fm slash Therapy for Black Girls. 0:13:53.240 --> 0:13:57.640 This episode was produced by Elise Ellis, Indechubu and Tyree Rush. 0:13:57.960 --> 0:14:01.200 Editing was done by Dennis and Bradford. Thank y'all so 0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:03.960 much for joining me again this week. I look forward 0:14:03.960 --> 0:14:07.640 to continuing this conversation with you all real soon. Take 0:14:07.679 --> 0:14:08.120 good care,