Speaker 1: Marriage sex be whacked as fuck. No, it's not with me,
Speaker 1: marriage sex. I'm talking about marriage sex. Marriage sex be
Speaker 1: whack as fuck.
Speaker 2: All right, dead ass, I guess dead ass?
Speaker 3: Dead ass?
Speaker 2: So how do we get this spark pothin or how
Speaker 2: do we keep it? Is the question.
Speaker 3: That's what we're gonna talk about casually.
Speaker 2: Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devou and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 3: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Speaker 2: Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Speaker 3: Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 3: Yes, sir, we are.
Speaker 1: We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of
Speaker 1: li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 1: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 1: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 1: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred,
Speaker 1: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: Were about to take Bilos off to our whole new level.
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: All right, story time, story time, I'm gonna take y'all
Speaker 1: back to two weeks ago.
Speaker 3: We're on a flight coming back from.
Speaker 2: Oh god, we're because we've been on so many flights, y'all.
Speaker 3: We're coming back to yourself.
Speaker 2: Okay, back here.
Speaker 1: From and you and Jackson, no, you and Kiro were
Speaker 1: sitting in first class.
Speaker 3: I was in comfort plus I was sitting right behind.
Speaker 1: You, right behind us, and we were getting ready to
Speaker 1: go back home, and we weren't able to have the
Speaker 1: type of sex that we wanted to have because Cairo
Speaker 1: was staying with losing cure cyle. So we was like
Speaker 1: it was two dry days, right, which you know in
Speaker 1: our house doesn't happen too often. But I remember sitting
Speaker 1: there texting and k was sending me memes from Instagram,
Speaker 1: like sexy memes, and then she sends me a text
Speaker 1: on the meme it was just like, yo, I want
Speaker 1: you to do some and so to me, and then
Speaker 1: at the end of it, she was just like, I
Speaker 1: want to get fucked. And to be honest, though, I
Speaker 1: don't think a lot of people realize how important that
Speaker 1: is in the marriage. When you and your spouse decide
Speaker 1: that we're not going to play the marriage game, right,
Speaker 1: we were gonna play the I want to get mind
Speaker 1: game in the bedroom, and that's what I want to
Speaker 1: talk about today.
Speaker 2: All right, Now we can unravel that story, baby, when
Speaker 2: you're ready. All right, karaoke time. I feel like we've
Speaker 2: had so many episodes about sex. We're talking about random
Speaker 2: different things about sex, so we're.
Speaker 3: Not a different one though.
Speaker 2: We're trying to remember, like what songs we've used, and
Speaker 2: we use knocking the boots before.
Speaker 1: Uh huh, we used less talk about done that.
Speaker 3: I got a different one.
Speaker 2: This time, you got different. I let you pick today.
Speaker 3: Shout out to our roots since we both Jamaican.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, he is the passport to proof of baby,
Speaker 2: and the popis them mm hmm.
Speaker 1: And now I got the voice, So dime to a
Speaker 1: have six look out a long every rude boy, yea
Speaker 1: weird flicks.
Speaker 3: Dime do I have said?
Speaker 2: Bye, that's a good one. Flip flip flip flip flicks
Speaker 2: before you're rich, I guess perfume.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, that's when it said, man, yeah.
Speaker 2: Child crazy because we were singing this stuff as children.
Speaker 2: I know.
Speaker 3: I think it came out in It was either ninety
Speaker 3: nine or ninety was it really? Yeah? So I remember
Speaker 3: from Bethlehem, so I was like six.
Speaker 1: Trying to figure out how to wind my waist tight
Speaker 1: because that's when all of the slow wine was happening
Speaker 1: in nineteen ninety flu.
Speaker 2: The most top tier thing about life for me at
Speaker 2: least is growing up as a person of West Indian
Speaker 2: descent in Brooklyn in the nineties.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like that was a.
Speaker 2: Vibe. Like the private school that we went to you
Speaker 2: was all black, It was a mix between American and
Speaker 2: Caribbean people. It was just such a vibe. I felt
Speaker 2: like I was really able to come into my own.
Speaker 1: It became it became a global like cultural movement because
Speaker 1: from the nineties into two thousands, that's when the Sean
Speaker 1: Paul's and the Beanie Man's and the Elephant Man's took
Speaker 1: the world by storm and reggae became real mainstream. Remember
Speaker 1: from like the late nineties, Maya had the song with
Speaker 1: Beanie I'm trying to think about what was the first
Speaker 1: reggae song that went mainstream?
Speaker 3: I think it was best collab, wasn't It wasn't best
Speaker 3: to me? What was Maya and Beanie Man's.
Speaker 2: Take the Stars the Sky?
Speaker 3: Four years that guys guys.
Speaker 2: In this world? Then if I could be young girl,
Speaker 2: that was right? I don't know that was the first,
Speaker 2: but that was definitely a big one when I was
Speaker 2: in school.
Speaker 3: I remember that was the.
Speaker 1: First reggae song. I remember hearing on Hot ninety seven, okay,
Speaker 1: and then that song came and Simsimmer. That was was
Speaker 1: huge in nineteen ninety eight. So matter of fact, I
Speaker 1: think sim Simmer was first.
Speaker 2: I love a white beamer to this day.
Speaker 1: Oh because of sim Simmer. I thought you said, because
Speaker 1: I love that's why I love white man. I was
Speaker 1: about to be like, what what because you said that's
Speaker 1: why I love white And I was like, whereh she going?
Speaker 2: No, no, no, you know it's a thing where Jamaican's
Speaker 2: guess what it is. You know what I'm saying. So
Speaker 2: that's always gonna be a vibe.
Speaker 3: All right.
Speaker 2: One thing that kills vibes bills. We gotta pay bills,
Speaker 2: all right, they're about to kill our vibe. We're gonna
Speaker 2: take a quick break and we're gonna come back. We're
Speaker 2: gonna jump into story time and talk about casual sex
Speaker 2: and marriage. Okay, don't get it twisted. We're gonna explain
Speaker 2: what that means when we're back. Stick around, y'all, all right,
Speaker 2: and we're back. Yes, listen, okay, I will say as
Speaker 2: it relates to your story time, Yes, there is something
Speaker 2: to be said about like being with your husband away
Speaker 2: in a tropical place, you know where they are celebrating
Speaker 2: our really good friend's wedding. But the style cramper is
Speaker 2: like your kids in the bed hol you in the
Speaker 2: hotel with us. You know what I'm saying. So we're like,
Speaker 2: you know what, We'll tough it out for two days.
Speaker 2: Were there for Tuesday to Thursday, so for three days,
Speaker 2: we're gonna tough it out until we get back home.
Speaker 2: So being in that environment and wanting my man the
Speaker 2: way I want my man, well, actually we did have
Speaker 2: a moment that was very casual of us. We had
Speaker 2: How did I forget about that?
Speaker 3: But that's what sparked you to send me the things
Speaker 3: on the plane.
Speaker 2: I think that's what it was.
Speaker 3: So let me let me go back.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna let y'all into like a this would be
Speaker 2: the only fans version of the past for y'allay. So
Speaker 2: it is the night of the wedding, right, and at
Speaker 2: that point we had been out dancing all night. Y'all
Speaker 2: saw the footage. Probably check my fan page because they
Speaker 2: probably got all my stories on there dancing having a
Speaker 2: grand on time at the wedding. Right, So Cairo was
Speaker 2: dancing on the dance floor, he was knocked out in
Speaker 2: sleep sleep, So Deval and I put them in the
Speaker 2: bed and whatnot. And then we're just chilling on the
Speaker 2: balcony on and you know, one thing leads to another.
Speaker 2: And at that point we're on like the fifth floor,
Speaker 2: so we're pretty high up.
Speaker 1: They ain't know one thing leads to another. It's we're
Speaker 1: on the fifth floor, is high up. We can see
Speaker 1: it's it's dark out there. Nobody can really because we
Speaker 1: can't see.
Speaker 3: No, yeah, hope, we hope nobody can see us. But
Speaker 3: we're on the balcony.
Speaker 2: Ye, all the world is sleeping. Blowout.
Speaker 1: I'm like, yo, you ain't then you ain't never want
Speaker 1: to have sex on the balcony Macony.
Speaker 3: She's like people, I was like, shut up, shut up,
Speaker 3: shut up, shut up.
Speaker 1: This is where I talk about like the casual sex
Speaker 1: because if if it's your wife, right, we have these conversations.
Speaker 3: You know, we're gonna cuddle you know, can we cuddle
Speaker 3: me up beforehand? Can we? And it's like we can
Speaker 3: do all of these things.
Speaker 1: Yes, I get it, I get it, but that should
Speaker 1: be whacked to me sometimes, Like I'm being honest, Like
Speaker 1: I love cuddling and I love doing all of that
Speaker 1: stuff because I know that you need it.
Speaker 3: But sometimes I want.
Speaker 1: It to just be like ah and not not spontaneous, spontaneous,
Speaker 1: but not a quickie because we'll do spontaneous like YoY,
Speaker 1: we only got seven minutes left before the kids come home. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so we'll do that, but that's also like a let
Speaker 1: me get mine real fast. No, I want to have
Speaker 1: casual sex, not casual quikies. Right, casual sex where I'm
Speaker 1: trying to prove to you that I'm the man that
Speaker 1: you need me to be, and I want you to
Speaker 1: prove to me right, you know what I'm saying, And
Speaker 1: have the type of sex when you you know, when
Speaker 1: you don't know each.
Speaker 3: Other really right sore phase. Yes, the dating phase.
Speaker 2: It is getting back to dating phase, trying to gain
Speaker 2: title of boyfriend and girlfriend. Yes, you're really feeling this person.
Speaker 2: That's where all of the sparks, like we talked about,
Speaker 2: like bottling up that newness in the relationship, in the
Speaker 2: sexual journey that is marriage. So yeah, we both have
Speaker 2: had those moments, and I more recently we spoke about
Speaker 2: removing my IUD devaliating his vasectomy. That those two major
Speaker 2: things eliminating so much of what used to bother us
Speaker 2: or used to just interestrate with our sex life and
Speaker 2: our drives and whatnot. So I have now begind And
Speaker 2: it could because I'm on the fourth floor now, because
Speaker 2: I've heard once you get there, you know, you get there,
Speaker 2: So it could be a combination of those things. But
Speaker 2: saying that to say, that's something that I kind of
Speaker 2: require now too. And to your point, there are moments
Speaker 2: where I'm like, you know, babe, I want you to
Speaker 2: see me and feel me, and we do all the
Speaker 2: theatrics of the foreplay, but sometimes the cure style Bontoni
Speaker 2: Son got that work.
Speaker 1: The reason why I felt like that too was because
Speaker 1: your parents live with us right this. Sometimes I want
Speaker 1: to have casual sex right there in the family room,
Speaker 1: And every time I go, I'm like, yo, yo, come on,
Speaker 1: just come on, come give me some happy quick.
Speaker 3: She'd be like She's like, no, no, no, what My
Speaker 3: dad he walks real slow, He's like a.
Speaker 2: Go and I'm like it floats around the house, y'all.
Speaker 2: He pops up. He's scared this shit out of me.
Speaker 2: The other day when I was over here just packing,
Speaker 2: cleaning up the room or whatever, and I turned around
Speaker 2: and my dad was literally standing there looking at me
Speaker 2: like a creep, and I'm like what and he's like, oh, nothing,
Speaker 2: I was just checking to see if you want me
Speaker 2: to take out some meat for dinner.
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I'm meat and give it to your
Speaker 1: daughter right now, sir. You messing up my vibes all right.
Speaker 2: Like we literally have to be like, yeah, we are
Speaker 2: conscious of it.
Speaker 3: And if it's not your parents, it's a kid, so.
Speaker 1: We don't we don't get a chance to have like
Speaker 1: casual sex ever, like it's it's always planned. It has
Speaker 1: to be like I wanted it to be casual sex
Speaker 1: because married couples don't ever get a chance to have
Speaker 1: casual sex, especially if you have kids. For example, if
Speaker 1: I look at my wife and she looks hot right now, right,
Speaker 1: I can't just say, yo, let's go in the back end. No,
Speaker 1: I got to be like, what time you got to
Speaker 1: get so and so, who is there? Who is in
Speaker 1: the house? Okay, Then by the time we get to
Speaker 1: the end of the night, she tired. So now I'm
Speaker 1: just like, fuck, how do I how do I ease
Speaker 1: her back into the idea of having sex? And then
Speaker 1: it's like, what hoops do I gotta jump through? Okay,
Speaker 1: let me give her a massage, let me rub her back.
Speaker 1: At this point, it's not casual no more. And I'm
Speaker 1: not really enjoying it that much, right you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying.
Speaker 2: It's the work that has to go into it when
Speaker 2: we just want those effortless moments. It was hilarious other day.
Speaker 2: I think Matt came by, and Matt, you know, Matt's family.
Speaker 2: So Matt came by and I think he noticed that,
Speaker 2: like some car was missing, and he didn't know who
Speaker 2: exactly was home. And he's like, valecaty might be home
Speaker 2: by themselves, and if they are, who knows what might
Speaker 2: be going down if I walk through this door right now.
Speaker 2: So it's like, announce yourself, sir, because he had the
Speaker 2: right idea, Let me announce myself so that I'm not
Speaker 2: working your doorbell.
Speaker 1: And the thing is that annoyed the ship out of me.
Speaker 1: I'm like, who the fuck ringing the doorbell in the
Speaker 1: middle of the day. They know we are just like,
Speaker 1: whoever's here knows that we here. So then I'm like, Matt,
Speaker 1: why the camera the door?
Speaker 3: Bet Matt. He's just like, look, man, I ain't see
Speaker 3: these cars. The kids is at school. I know how
Speaker 3: y'all do? Do you know what I'm saying? I was like, I.
Speaker 2: Appreciate that, bro, Yeah, appreciate that.
Speaker 1: But for real, though, like people don't realize how monotonous
Speaker 1: sex can become, even in your marriage, even when you
Speaker 1: try to.
Speaker 3: Be deliverate, deliverate, deliberate, deliver it would be.
Speaker 2: Trying to want you to deliver it. Yes, I want
Speaker 2: you to deliver it, and I'd be wanting to do that.
Speaker 3: I be wanting to deliver it, but there'd be so
Speaker 3: much things going on.
Speaker 1: And I'm gonna say this, two women don't understand how
Speaker 1: much goes in our mind when we getting ready to
Speaker 1: have sex.
Speaker 3: Right, Like we were talking beforehand, Josh was like his
Speaker 3: wife was just like, do you see me?
Speaker 2: And he was like she wants to feel seen too, right,
Speaker 2: But he's just like, you don't see y'all.
Speaker 3: Is clearly I see you, and you asking me if
Speaker 3: I see you? It's messing up the mojo right now, So.
Speaker 2: You should see that.
Speaker 3: I see you, don't see me seeing you, both of
Speaker 3: us see you.
Speaker 1: He looking right at you with the one eye, right,
Speaker 1: he the one eye looking right at you, like, come on,
Speaker 1: what we're trying to do. And that's that's what I'm
Speaker 1: talking about with casual sex. That that sex was just
Speaker 1: like John fuck and you like yeah, and then there's no,
Speaker 1: there's no let's talk about for a play like me,
Speaker 1: get in my phone and make sure not it.
Speaker 3: Is grab the collar, dragging the back of the room
Speaker 3: and I got we're seeing.
Speaker 2: That the footage of the lions and stuff like that.
Speaker 2: That's what you mean. Do they like each other? They're fighting? Oh,
Speaker 2: they're not. They're not fighting.
Speaker 1: They fighting they're fighting for love. That's how when we
Speaker 1: have casual sex.
Speaker 3: You know, have you noticed how to do this? We
Speaker 3: have casual sex. We have casual sex.
Speaker 1: Right when I'm finished, I'm not getting the towel, Nope,
Speaker 1: because if I just met you, I'm not getting the
Speaker 1: towel this casual sex. Baby, I'm just rolling over, going
Speaker 1: to sleep. Whatever happens on that side of the bed
Speaker 1: happened on that side of the bed already. You figure
Speaker 1: it out, Which.
Speaker 2: Is fine because sometimes I don't feel like being cuddled either.
Speaker 2: I'm hot anyway. I'm hot anyway, So back up.
Speaker 3: What KA gonna do is right, We're gonna be finished.
Speaker 3: She's gonna look down there. She's gonna be like.
Speaker 1: This, if this can dry up on its own, I'm
Speaker 1: going to sleep. But she's like, if this might cause
Speaker 1: some problems down there, then I see her stomp to.
Speaker 3: The bathroom right.
Speaker 2: Like that. Man, it really just all depends.
Speaker 1: It really all you selfish too, because then you'll come
Speaker 1: back after wiping yourself up, won't come back with it.
Speaker 3: She will go right on the side of the bed
Speaker 3: and go to sleep, and you know what, don't touch
Speaker 3: me anyway.
Speaker 1: I'm good like That's that to me is what keeps
Speaker 1: our sex life like on fire, because it's like yo
Speaker 1: sometimes and it's gonna sound crazy to people, but once again,
Speaker 1: I'm not. I'm not asking you how to affirm my marriage.
Speaker 1: I don't want to care about you. Sometimes I just
Speaker 1: want to split you in half and show you like
Speaker 1: this is why you marry me I completely.
Speaker 2: Sometimes the reminder is very valid and needed in that moment,
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying, because as a woman, sometimes
Speaker 2: I want to be you know handled a little bit,
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying, so it really works out.
Speaker 2: I saw a video on Instagram of a couple and
Speaker 2: the pov was just like when you both are trying
Speaker 2: to act normal after you just like pretty much had
Speaker 2: a session and you walk in and you have to
Speaker 2: return to life and return to the kids. I'm like
Speaker 2: and I laugh because I'm like, that's deval nice so
Speaker 2: many times because falling into again the marriage rud of
Speaker 2: what sex is. There's the Okay, it's the end of
Speaker 2: the day, the kids have been taken care of, it's nighttime,
Speaker 2: we cleaned up the kitchen, everybody showered, and it's like, okay,
Speaker 2: here's the bed. Let's both turn down east side of
Speaker 2: the bed and then get in the bed. And that's
Speaker 2: probably the worst way for us at least, and it
Speaker 2: may work for somebody else, but for us, that's the
Speaker 2: worst way to start a session.
Speaker 3: I agree with you, though I'm not going to say
Speaker 3: it's the worst sex for everyone else. Right for me,
Speaker 3: I hate the minute I get in the bed and
Speaker 3: we both laying in the bed shoulder and shoulder.
Speaker 1: I don't want to have sex no more, right, I
Speaker 1: don't like there has to be some sort of adventure,
Speaker 1: like like we've done this already, you know. And and
Speaker 1: to be honest, and then isn't as important when you
Speaker 1: get married as the actual idea of having sex with
Speaker 1: your wife, Like when you younger or you're single, you
Speaker 1: want to get a nut, like I'm looking for gettingnot
Speaker 1: I want that feeling. Right once you've got married, you
Speaker 1: get that feeling because we have sex consistently. Now it's
Speaker 1: not just about the nuts. I can get a nut
Speaker 1: if I wanted a nut. It's about actually having that
Speaker 1: connection with a person. And that's to me, Oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: to be to be with you in any type of
Speaker 1: way and me giving it to you and you look
Speaker 1: back and you giving it to me, and we enjoying
Speaker 1: it and we without having to think about I hope
Speaker 1: I did enough for a play.
Speaker 3: I hope I you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: I hope she feels seen, you know, without you having
Speaker 1: to feel like, I hope we had sex enough days
Speaker 1: in a role you know, it's like, yeah, sometimes you
Speaker 1: need to have casual sex in the marriage where we're
Speaker 1: not thinking about each other.
Speaker 3: I'm thinking about myself. You better think about yourself.
Speaker 2: Absolutely, get what we need. But there's also like a
Speaker 2: performance aspect of it too, because it's like, as much
Speaker 2: as I want to get what I need from it,
Speaker 2: I need to make sure that he gets what I'm giving.
Speaker 3: You know what?
Speaker 1: That's that, To be honest, I think that's what the
Speaker 1: biggest thing is. Casual sex for a lot of people
Speaker 1: is about performance. When you get married, you stop performing
Speaker 1: because it's like, I got my person, I don't have
Speaker 1: to prove anything.
Speaker 3: I can just get whatever I'm getting.
Speaker 1: But no, if you're constantly trying to perform for your spouse,
Speaker 1: imagine what type of sex you have in If she
Speaker 1: come to bed and she's like, I'm about to really
Speaker 1: freak this niggle off something crazy, but he comes to you,
Speaker 1: I done have my ginkolobo.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying, No and meet you shots.
Speaker 1: And shit's getting brain and not exploding before you're supposed to.
Speaker 1: Because we got we got missing guys. We all got
Speaker 1: our tricks. You know some guys, I was in the
Speaker 1: hood or was You get a honey pack. You get
Speaker 1: a honey pack before you go to lay down with
Speaker 1: that one sick you want the corner store.
Speaker 3: And it keeps you here.
Speaker 2: You know what, I'm saying the honey peg tonic, sexy
Speaker 2: and the roots you go to health food stores, you know.
Speaker 1: But that's the type of sex that makes a woman
Speaker 1: fall in love because he's not going it or not.
Speaker 1: That's the type of sex when guys with their friends,
Speaker 1: they'd be like, Yo, I'm going to shorty that I
Speaker 1: was after for the past couple and she said, now
Speaker 1: is the time I have to deliver that grade A.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, because I'm not going to
Speaker 1: be the clown in her friends group chats that chat
Speaker 1: bro jet. That type of sex is the sex that
Speaker 1: be missing when you get married, when you're and I
Speaker 1: think we just having this discussion really like brought it
Speaker 1: to a point. It's the performance because you perform now.
Speaker 2: Absolutely man, you thought can say stayed on stage after tour,
Speaker 2: baby we brought her home.
Speaker 1: Okay, ladies, this is this is a this is a
Speaker 1: married man talking right. And we had this conversation too. Like,
Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of the world is lost
Speaker 1: because single people listen to single people of the opposite
Speaker 1: sex and say, well, this is what they want.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that guy single, he's telling you what he wants.
Speaker 3: He's single.
Speaker 1: He don't know what he wants, because if he wanted
Speaker 1: to be with somebody, he would have found it and
Speaker 1: found that person. So you're listening to single people, listen
Speaker 1: to married people tell you how they keep the flames.
Speaker 1: As a man, I'm telling you when you perform right,
Speaker 1: that shit keeps me excited when you when I know
Speaker 1: that this ain't about the cuddles and when this is
Speaker 1: about oh, she really wants to show me that she
Speaker 1: the baddest one. When it's the sex that part of me, Ladies,
Speaker 1: it's the sex that your side chick give you when
Speaker 1: she's trying to prove she's trying to be the main ship.
Speaker 1: Don't you hear this all the time, and you say
Speaker 1: this all the time. The best position for a woman
Speaker 1: to be heard that is the side chick position, because
Speaker 1: that's the woman that wants to constantly prove.
Speaker 2: That's also that the person that most of most men
Speaker 2: I've heard, at least I don't know, go to for
Speaker 2: some sort of escapism, right, you know why because you
Speaker 2: only come with one.
Speaker 3: Thing, and she's coming to do what perform?
Speaker 1: Perform for me it's like wife perform Because as a husband,
Speaker 1: I put that pressure on myself to perform. I don't
Speaker 1: ever want. I don't ever want in our marriage ever.
Speaker 1: I don't care how old we are. You look at
Speaker 1: me and be like, Okay, that's it. Like you forgot
Speaker 1: about me, Like you didn't you didn't want to make
Speaker 1: sure that I got mine.
Speaker 2: I don't think I could. I could honestly say, I
Speaker 2: don't think that was ever a case.
Speaker 1: You know why, because my friends in my group chat.
Speaker 1: We be on each other, like keep your health up.
Speaker 1: Like a lot of us we work out and stuff,
Speaker 1: but we keep our bodies on point because we want
Speaker 1: our wives to look at us in that way. Where Yo,
Speaker 1: if your wife ain't looking at you like that, trust me,
Speaker 1: she looking at somebody like that. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: So imagine you lose yourself in the looks department as
Speaker 1: a man. Right so now, stomach getting big, your hair
Speaker 1: falling out. You can't perform as much as you did
Speaker 1: before because you don't care to try because you already
Speaker 1: got her. Then you're gonna be mad if she steps out. Nah, bro,
Speaker 1: that's your fault.
Speaker 3: That is like, you have a.
Speaker 1: Responsibility as a man to make sure that your wife
Speaker 1: knows Like I'm coming home to deliver grade A.
Speaker 3: I don't how many kids we got.
Speaker 2: I completely get it, and I love that that's happening
Speaker 2: in your group chat because I've actually been the one
Speaker 2: to shift the dialogue in some of my group chats
Speaker 2: or even just in one on one conversations with women
Speaker 2: who I know who are friends that are still married,
Speaker 2: and a lot of time, the narrative is us as
Speaker 2: women getting together and communing over how tired we are,
Speaker 2: how much we have on our plate, all the things
Speaker 2: that we have to do, which is very accurate and
Speaker 2: it's very I see them, and I see because I
Speaker 2: know I'm living that, like there's a thousand things to
Speaker 2: be done on a toy day basis as a wife
Speaker 2: and mom. But I'm also the one now to introduce
Speaker 2: into those group chats and those discussions. But doesn't your
Speaker 2: husband deserve to have his wife? And I'm trying to
Speaker 2: change the narrative because I feel like, I feel like
Speaker 2: it's necessary for us as women to be honest, to
Speaker 2: finally be honest as wives and as moms about what
Speaker 2: it requires for us to sustain these marriages healthily with
Speaker 2: our spouses. So the conversations have become now.
Speaker 3: Wait, wait, just because you to go to have his
Speaker 3: wife in what way.
Speaker 2: The way he wants to have his wife, or the
Speaker 2: way you feel your husband deserves to be treated based
Speaker 2: off of the life that he's able to provide for you.
Speaker 2: Like I recently became friends with someone that I met
Speaker 2: through another friend, and she's so refreshing to me. That's
Speaker 2: why I don't subscribe to the whole no new friends thing. Yeah,
Speaker 2: because at this point in life, I'm meeting people who
Speaker 2: are aligning with a lot of the things that I
Speaker 2: have become. And I love conversations with her because we
Speaker 2: talk about how amazing our husbands are, how much they're
Speaker 2: doing for us, how much we want to go the
Speaker 2: extra miles, exchanging tips and tricks about like oh this
Speaker 2: worked for me, or I took him on a staycation
Speaker 2: or I had him do that. Like they're just little
Speaker 2: things that we feel like are required. So it's changing
Speaker 2: the narrative within those women group chats and within those
Speaker 2: married women forums where we're not just complaining about all
Speaker 2: the things that we have on our plate, but just
Speaker 2: really saying, how can we refocus husband, how can we
Speaker 2: focus marriage and intimacy and what our husbands require based
Speaker 2: off of the life that we've provided for each other.
Speaker 2: You know, it's important to have those conversations, and I
Speaker 2: think women tend to glaze over that it is important.
Speaker 3: I'm glad you kind of brought that up because when
Speaker 3: we did the.
Speaker 1: Podcast with Nice and Neat Okay, yes, and we talked
Speaker 1: about making a choice, and then them all three of
Speaker 1: those brothers, Jalan, Omar, and Duke, all married black women
Speaker 1: as well, all in shape, all make really good money,
Speaker 1: but all decided that they weren't going to do the
Speaker 1: same thing that other podcasts where young men did, was
Speaker 1: create a battle of the sexist and talk.
Speaker 3: About the things that women weren't doing.
Speaker 1: They decided to talk about what they can do as
Speaker 1: men to show up for each other, to be better spouses.
Speaker 1: And that's why when you put me on to them,
Speaker 1: I was like, damn, Like this is really a different
Speaker 1: perspective because now these are young men that I can
Speaker 1: talk to as well and be like, wait, that worked
Speaker 1: for you. What for example with Omar right and him
Speaker 1: changing his whole diet and this whole lifestyle right to
Speaker 1: be part of Kansas to be what Candace needs. And
Speaker 1: now they had their child, they getting their sex life
Speaker 1: back in order. It's like, those are things that I
Speaker 1: think we as a society need more.
Speaker 2: Enough of the blame game and enough of the salacious
Speaker 2: you know clips where podcasts are just pinning us against
Speaker 2: each other. Like, no, I think we have a responsibility
Speaker 2: as wives, for example, and I'll speak on our behalfs
Speaker 2: because we speak a lot about couples and relationships stuff.
Speaker 2: But I think at some point us women need to
Speaker 2: stand up and say, you know what, these are the
Speaker 2: things that we need to change. These are the things
Speaker 2: that we can tap into a little bit more. And
Speaker 2: I discover that when I really had the conversation with you,
Speaker 2: and you were like, why do I always have to
Speaker 2: be the last one on the total pole? Why do
Speaker 2: I always have to be the one to understand where
Speaker 2: you're coming from or just understand that you have all
Speaker 2: these things to get done. At what point can I
Speaker 2: raise my level on that list of things that you
Speaker 2: have where I am more of the priority, even if
Speaker 2: it's for a day or two out of the week,
Speaker 2: if it's for an hour out of the week, we
Speaker 2: prioritize and make time for the things that are important.
Speaker 2: And I've been taken for granted for a long time
Speaker 2: you and the things that you require. So these are
Speaker 2: the conversations that I want to have now with women
Speaker 2: in those forum of women who are married or aspire
Speaker 2: to marriage, to say, you know what, no, you need
Speaker 2: to figure out a way to make sure that your
Speaker 2: husband is taken care of. I thin, because that's what
Speaker 2: he requires.
Speaker 1: I think that's dope because in the past casual sex
Speaker 1: spoken about in marriages where a woman just says, you know,
Speaker 1: let's go have sex.
Speaker 3: All your hear is I don't got time for it.
Speaker 3: I got so many other things to do.
Speaker 2: I want I'm going to move for it, which is
Speaker 2: very valid too, because I've been there. I've been that
Speaker 2: woman that's just like now, it's not the time I
Speaker 2: have a kid hanging off of my breast, I'm in
Speaker 2: the middle of cooking dinner, like I have all the
Speaker 2: things going on. But we really have to be mindful
Speaker 2: of taking the time to say, this is what he.
Speaker 3: Needs, and that's not just what he needs, what is
Speaker 3: he doing to help you be better to do that?
Speaker 1: For example, I know for a fact, if my wife
Speaker 1: is exhausted at the end of the day, she's not
Speaker 1: gonna want to have casual sex.
Speaker 3: She's gonna be tired. So you know what I do.
Speaker 1: I make sure I pick up the slack in other ways,
Speaker 1: or I get people to help around the house. That's
Speaker 1: a responsibility as a man you have to do if
Speaker 1: you want your wife to freak off.
Speaker 3: But also, I'm in the gym every single day. You
Speaker 3: know what I'm saying. It's bad enough you already tired.
Speaker 1: Right then you look at a dude that you like,
Speaker 1: you don't even look the way I saw you attractively,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. And we put a lot
Speaker 1: of onus on women to maintain themselves, but we don't
Speaker 1: put the same on this on dudes. If you a dude,
Speaker 1: then you want to have casual sex with your wife
Speaker 1: right and in the the middle of the day or
Speaker 1: at the end of the night, how about you present
Speaker 1: something to her that makes her go, I can't wait
Speaker 1: till fuckentic.
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Why why don't you change your diet to eat better?
Speaker 1: Why don't you make sure your six pack is a
Speaker 1: little more six pack?
Speaker 3: You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: And here's the thing, even if you're not a six
Speaker 1: packed type of dude. I got friends who played in
Speaker 1: the NFL. Who husky, You can still be husky, but
Speaker 1: get your line up lined up, make sure your beard.
Speaker 1: You know, being with some colone like, you don't have
Speaker 1: to just lose yourself in your marriage because you like,
Speaker 1: I already got my woman. Nah, bro, be the best
Speaker 1: version of yourself to her so that she sees you
Speaker 1: randomly and you want to grab that colum and be like, yo,
Speaker 1: what's going on.
Speaker 2: It's helpful. It's helpful when we're talking about the casual
Speaker 2: sex with the marriage. Same thing goes for women. I
Speaker 2: get it. I've been there, I've been postpartum, I've had
Speaker 2: all the kids and all that. But I made the
Speaker 2: effort and I made the choice to figure out how
Speaker 2: my body works. I'm learning my body. I made the
Speaker 2: necessary changes to be able to be who my husband
Speaker 2: met essentially. Yeah, and better. I feel like I'm a
Speaker 2: better version of that girl that you met when we
Speaker 2: were eighteen. Like, I'm a hold men.
Speaker 1: Now I've gained ten pounds with every child. You eighteen
Speaker 1: pounds on all men.
Speaker 2: Yeah, now you're.
Speaker 3: Closer to one sixty one.
Speaker 2: I fluctuate a bit, you know what I'm saying in
Speaker 2: the right places, But that's something that I'm interested in
Speaker 2: because when I look at my man and he's sexy,
Speaker 2: and I know I'm sexy for my man, it sparks
Speaker 2: something within me, that confidence where I'm just like, oh,
Speaker 2: I can be whoever he needs me to be in
Speaker 2: this casual sex moment within our marriage, you know, saying,
Speaker 2: all right, we have some quick facts and stats that
Speaker 2: we can get into. According to web ind twenty five
Speaker 2: percent of American adults have sex weekly, sixteen percent have
Speaker 2: sex two to three times a week, seventeen have sex
Speaker 2: once a month, nineteen percent have sex two to three
Speaker 2: times per month, five percent have sex four or five
Speaker 2: times per week. So we're within the five percent percent. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and ten percent didn't have sex in the past year.
Speaker 3: Oh, ten percent, apeak.
Speaker 2: That's crazy that some people just aren't doing it, doing
Speaker 2: it and doing it well.
Speaker 1: According to Tatistan twenty twenty one, people who were cohabitating
Speaker 1: and had sex the most frequently, with an average of
Speaker 1: one point six times per week. Married people had sex
Speaker 1: on average one point two times per week, while unpartnered
Speaker 1: people had sex and averages zero point three times a week.
Speaker 1: This is what's funny too. I'm glad we're talking about
Speaker 1: this why casual sex is so much better when you're single,
Speaker 1: you don't have sex. Is often when you don't have sex,
Speaker 1: is often that anticipation when you do have sex. Because
Speaker 1: when I speak to my single friends, true, and I'm
Speaker 1: talking to them and I'm like, these are dudes, handsome
Speaker 1: dudes with money who live in places that are flooded
Speaker 1: with women Miami, La, New York. And I'm just like, yo,
Speaker 1: how often do you have sex? And he's like, man,
Speaker 1: I'll just try to get I try to get one
Speaker 1: a week. You know, you're trying to. It's like it's
Speaker 1: like trying to play whack them more with some of
Speaker 1: these chicks, these young chicks you following. And I said,
Speaker 1: it's funny that you're laugh at me and talk about
Speaker 1: how as a married person we don't have sex, but
Speaker 1: I have sex four to five times a week, and
Speaker 1: you try to have it one time in a week.
Speaker 3: And that's what it made me like.
Speaker 1: And when they looked at me, it was like, wait
Speaker 1: a minute, y'all have sex that often? I said, yeah,
Speaker 1: he's like, I gotta get married. I said, see, that's
Speaker 1: that's the thing. You think that you're gonna get married,
Speaker 1: And that one girl is gonna provide you with all
Speaker 1: of that sex when before you are balancing five girls
Speaker 1: and only getting sex once a week. Then when you
Speaker 1: get married, you both get complacent, and then that sex
Speaker 1: becomes monotonous and then you don't even want.
Speaker 3: To have sex with each other each other. Yeah, because
Speaker 3: you came from a space, So it's importance.
Speaker 2: It isn't even which one's worse exactly. At least when
Speaker 2: you're married is with one person. Then you can trust
Speaker 2: that when you do have a session, that you can
Speaker 2: do all the things you want to do in your
Speaker 2: risk of like contracting something is.
Speaker 1: Like, but imagine how amazing the sex can be when
Speaker 1: you trust somebody, When you open and you're attracted, you
Speaker 1: don't have no iud in I have a vasectomy. Now
Speaker 1: we're both attracted to each other and we can have
Speaker 1: that raw animalistic sex and not have no consequences. And
Speaker 1: what I mean consequences is like, Okay, you can get pregnant,
Speaker 1: you can have an STD. There's so many things you
Speaker 1: can happen if you have sex with someone randomly. But
Speaker 1: that's an amazing feeling. And to me, that's why having
Speaker 1: casual sex within your marriage is important because it keeps
Speaker 1: your libido up right. And as it's keeping your libido
Speaker 1: up then we also have the intimate moments where Kadeen
Speaker 1: is just like, yo, can we just cuddle tonight? And
Speaker 1: can we We may just cuddle and roll into each
Speaker 1: other and have like a slow love making sessions.
Speaker 2: Which is good for You're also great for that moment too,
Speaker 2: you know exactly.
Speaker 3: The casual sex just keeps everything vibrant.
Speaker 2: You know what's funny. I used to look at the
Speaker 2: I don't want to say burden of our everyday life,
Speaker 2: because it's not a burden. It's a blessing to have
Speaker 2: our four boys and our businesses and all the things
Speaker 2: that we're doing. But in that where I used to
Speaker 2: look at it as a burden or something that impeded
Speaker 2: my sex drive or just even my desire to want
Speaker 2: to do anything when it came to that at the
Speaker 2: end of the night because I was just so exhausted.
Speaker 2: Now I look at it as Okay, we have all
Speaker 2: of these things. My escapism is you like to get
Speaker 2: away from the monotony of the truck and this one
Speaker 2: here and there, and you know, having to deal with
Speaker 2: emails and people and talking and texting and being social
Speaker 2: and my social battery just having to be on for
Speaker 2: the public. You are my escape where I feel like, okay,
Speaker 2: now I'm craving those moments more where I want to
Speaker 2: be with you and in that, like you said, sometimes
Speaker 2: it's just sitting in our bed, laying together, listen to
Speaker 2: R and B singing at the top of our love Yeah,
Speaker 2: that eventually becomes a love making session, or it could
Speaker 2: just not be that, or it could be the sexual,
Speaker 2: you know, sex portion of it, but the casual sex
Speaker 2: portion rather. But those moments for me now become a
Speaker 2: means of escapism from life, which I think is great.
Speaker 1: I mean it's great, but it's also a fact, a
Speaker 1: scientific fact, oh is it? In a study that asks
Speaker 1: married people how satisfied they were in their marriage, researchers
Speaker 1: found that as sexual satisfaction increased, marital satisfaction also increased,
Speaker 1: which is a proven factor. You can't say to people
Speaker 1: sex is not that important in a marriage, or it
Speaker 1: shouldn't be a priority. Sex should be a priority, especially
Speaker 1: if infidelity is a priority. If you don't want your
Speaker 1: partner to be with anybody else, how can you then
Speaker 1: say sex is not a priority. So I think more
Speaker 1: married people need to take heed to that and decide that,
Speaker 1: you know what, We're not going to let sex fall
Speaker 1: by the wayside because I got my partner. Yes, I
Speaker 1: am going to try to casually have sex with my
Speaker 1: partner to remind them the fun of sex.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, Yes, because it can be fun, baby,
Speaker 2: and trust and believe. All Right, we're gonna take a
Speaker 2: quick break and we're gonna move into listen letters after
Speaker 2: we get into some ads, so stick around. We'll be
Speaker 2: right back, y'all. All right, y'all, we're back time for
Speaker 2: my favorite part of the show, listener letters, because this
Speaker 2: is when we get to hear from you guys and
Speaker 2: see what you got going on in your lives and
Speaker 2: we can give you our two cents. Hey guys, this
Speaker 2: is Sha Day writing from Cleveland. First, I would like
Speaker 2: to say I love you both. Kaddin, You're an inspiration
Speaker 2: to me and all husbands should be like you. Devo.
Speaker 2: Thank you relationship, real life relationship, girls and time. But
Speaker 2: it's so worth it. You guys have a beautiful family
Speaker 2: and I wish you all the best and many more blessings.
Speaker 2: Thank you, Shadday. I've been in a relationship for seven years,
Speaker 2: and my dilemma is he's a mama's boy. I'm thirty
Speaker 2: three years old and he will be thirty five in September.
Speaker 2: I love this man so much, and he checks all
Speaker 2: the boxes of what I want in a man. We
Speaker 2: get along great. We always have good time together. We
Speaker 2: have and enjoy the same interests, and the sex is great.
Speaker 2: Capital letters for exclamation points.
Speaker 3: Baby.
Speaker 2: His only and biggest downfall is him being a mama's boy.
Speaker 2: We do not live together. He lives at home with
Speaker 2: her and I live at home with my mother because
Speaker 2: I'm in the process of buying my first home. He
Speaker 2: is financially unable to buy a home because of circumstances.
Speaker 2: She's very manipulative and overbearing. She has purposely done things
Speaker 2: to keep him busy so that he doesn't have time
Speaker 2: for me, and has asked him to do things right
Speaker 2: before our plans for the evening. She's very controlling and
Speaker 2: wants to micromanage everything. I don't know if it's because
Speaker 2: he's the youngest of her three children, or because he
Speaker 2: had brain surgery, or because he had brain surgery, but
Speaker 2: he can seem to set boundaries when it comes to
Speaker 2: her he is a non confrontational person, and to avoid
Speaker 2: argument with her, he will do the things the way
Speaker 2: she wants to keep peace. We've gone out together and
Speaker 2: we speak to one another, but the mother and I
Speaker 2: won't have any conversation. She has told people she doesn't
Speaker 2: like me, but never gives a valid reason. It's frustrating
Speaker 2: because I always feel like it's frustrating because I always
Speaker 2: feel like I'm finding an invisible battle of tugo war
Speaker 2: with her. She treats him as if he is her
Speaker 2: man and not her son. She won't seem to cut
Speaker 2: the umbilical cord and let him be a fully grown
Speaker 2: man without always adding her two cents. From my point
Speaker 2: of view, it doesn't seem like he's doing enough to
Speaker 2: put her in her place. He says, once we move
Speaker 2: in together, things will be different, But I don't see
Speaker 2: how if he can't take the steps now to make
Speaker 2: a change. I know he has, I know he has
Speaker 2: to change the dynamic of the situation. But when he
Speaker 2: does speak up against her, she uses a guilt trip
Speaker 2: and is back to the same old vicious cycle. Should
Speaker 2: I leave him to his mother or hold on? Please
Speaker 2: give me some advice in this common situation. Thank you
Speaker 2: love you guys, man. I never want to be that mom.
Speaker 2: I pray I never want to be that. As much
Speaker 2: as my boys love me, I never want. I would
Speaker 2: never let you that mom, I would never let you
Speaker 2: be there. I would never want to impede their life
Speaker 2: that way.
Speaker 3: I would never I want them.
Speaker 2: To be there for me and want to be around me,
Speaker 2: but never to a detriment of their own life.
Speaker 1: I will say this though, she's a single mom, right
Speaker 1: she said, yeah, she's a single mom.
Speaker 3: He lives with his mom.
Speaker 2: Yes, okay, yes.
Speaker 1: I've also seen this where there have been women who
Speaker 1: have their last child or that child that's been like theirs,
Speaker 1: and it's like, once this child goes, who do I have? Right?
Speaker 1: So subconsciously they do things to try to sabotage or
Speaker 1: promo the factors. But I've also seen women who says
Speaker 1: that a guy is a mama's boy, and it's not
Speaker 1: that he's a mama's boy, he just won't do everything
Speaker 1: you want him to do. And since his mom still
Speaker 1: tells him like yo, like that's not your wife yet,
Speaker 1: like right now, it's he's a mama's boy. The truth
Speaker 1: of the matter is I can't really give them full
Speaker 1: I can't get for a full advice without hearing his
Speaker 1: side and the mom's side, right, because I want to understand.
Speaker 3: Is he really a mama's boy?
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, His mom's really tripping, right,
Speaker 2: you know?
Speaker 3: Is mom being overbearing?
Speaker 2: I mean, because the setup is that it's a set
Speaker 2: up for Mom is probably a little you know, overbearing
Speaker 2: because it's her last like you think about the last
Speaker 2: baby to leave the house, So when he leaves the house,
Speaker 2: then what happens? You know? Also, mom's having a very
Speaker 2: high standard for who they think their son should be
Speaker 2: with or who is deserving of their son, who is
Speaker 2: probably like their crown jewel. You know. It could be
Speaker 2: that her whole life she had to be his mouthpiece
Speaker 2: and be overprotective of him because he had to have
Speaker 2: brain surgery as a kid. So there are a lot
Speaker 2: of factors in here that Mom might be warranted for
Speaker 2: how she feels. But at the same time, too, I
Speaker 2: think the only person that really can have a handle
Speaker 2: on this if it comes down to, like, you know,
Speaker 2: knowing there needs to be a mediation session, maybe it
Speaker 2: would be him. He has to step up and be
Speaker 2: like Okay, mom, this is what it is. Maybe when
Speaker 2: they are living together to be a little different. They've
Speaker 2: been together some more privacy.
Speaker 1: They've been together seven years, this is this is one
Speaker 1: thing I will sell and I will say, after I
Speaker 1: read that up to see how long they were together,
Speaker 1: I will retract a certain statement. You've been with somebody
Speaker 1: for seven years and you your mom and her don't talk.
Speaker 1: That's a you problem, bro. I can't put that on
Speaker 1: either one of the women. At some point you have
Speaker 1: to say, look, look, ma, this is my girlfriend. You
Speaker 1: have to have a relationship with her. Because if we're
Speaker 1: going back to biblical times, the Biblical the Bible says
Speaker 1: once you find a wife, you find a good thing,
Speaker 1: and then your wife and you create your family. You
Speaker 1: are no longer a part of your nuclear family. So
Speaker 1: if that's going to be the thing, you have to
Speaker 1: be able to be the person in between your wife
Speaker 1: and your mom as the man you have to be.
Speaker 3: You can't just say.
Speaker 2: Figure that out, that's not how that works. Yeah yeah,
Speaker 2: and he needs to stand up, bro.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but that's he wants to make her his wife.
Speaker 1: I mean, they've been together seven years, she's purchasing the house,
Speaker 1: she didn't say that he was purchasing the house. She
Speaker 1: said because of circumstances. So my thing is does he
Speaker 1: feel I hold it to his mom because he still
Speaker 1: lives at the house. You know, these are things that
Speaker 1: she has to start looking at because she's thirty three.
Speaker 1: She's not getting any younger. You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 2: Seven years and years, you know what you've been invested here.
Speaker 2: It's kind of like the same time frame we were together.
Speaker 2: Before I was like, all right, what are we going
Speaker 2: to do? We're gonna be together. We didn't have mother,
Speaker 2: but at.
Speaker 1: Seven years we were twenty six. I had mother issues
Speaker 1: mama with your mom. But even with that, though you
Speaker 1: would have won. It was like your mom like, what
Speaker 1: this this thing that's going on? I have you being
Speaker 1: rude and you not speaking, and your mom was trying
Speaker 1: to hold her standard. Nobody was going to be good
Speaker 1: enough for her daughter, which I understand now and looking
Speaker 1: at us now, we met at eighteen, we were twenty
Speaker 1: two and acting like we was grown. We weren't grown right,
Speaker 1: So your mom had every every right to be defensive
Speaker 1: and make sure she was protecting her daughter. But you
Speaker 1: are the one who got up and said mom, this
Speaker 1: is not this is who I want to be with.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying the same way if it
Speaker 1: was my parents, I would have had to be the one.
Speaker 1: So he got to step up at some especially if
Speaker 1: she's writing in she clearly feels a way about it.
Speaker 1: If this is the woman you want to spend the
Speaker 1: rest of your life with, my dude, you got to
Speaker 1: stand up and be like your mom.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know it is, mom, This is what it is.
Speaker 3: Is what it is, This is what it is.
Speaker 2: All right. Good luck to you guys as you venture off.
Speaker 2: I hope that good luck with the house hunt and
Speaker 2: all that good stuff. And hopefully you guys can figure
Speaker 2: out a way to get it together if it's meant
Speaker 2: to be, and.
Speaker 1: I think that will change things then moving in together.
Speaker 1: But then they can also create a strain where the
Speaker 1: mom is always calling him back, come kind of.
Speaker 3: Need you to do this and we've read that before. Absolutely,
Speaker 3: And then you know they'll find it.
Speaker 1: If he doesn't nip it in the butt, it's always
Speaker 1: gonna be a problem whether they find a house or not.
Speaker 1: Right Number two, Hey, the Valen Kadeen, I truly need
Speaker 1: some advice, So I'm going to try to provide as
Speaker 1: much context as possible. Let me first say, I love
Speaker 1: your show. I've been listening to you guys for a minute.
Speaker 1: Now now to the matter at hand.
Speaker 3: Thank you. Thank you so much for following us and listening.
Speaker 3: We appreciate your support.
Speaker 1: I thirty year old male, and my fiancee, twenty eight
Speaker 1: year old female, have recently ended our relationship for three years.
Speaker 1: Our last conversation of trying to figure out what went wrong,
Speaker 1: my fiance mentioned that I had everything that I needed
Speaker 1: in her. However, I didn't have the things that However,
Speaker 1: I didn't have the things that I wanted. Some background,
Speaker 1: and I'll ever and I ever wanted all I ever wanted,
Speaker 1: some background, All I ever wanted was to be a
Speaker 1: good husband and a good father.
Speaker 3: It's good to hear she mentioned that I had all
Speaker 3: I needed that being her. That being her and her
Speaker 3: two kids isn't me.
Speaker 2: It's the comments she know. She mentioned that I had
Speaker 2: all I needed that.
Speaker 3: Being her two kids, I got you things made.
Speaker 2: Don't read like these young kids now. We actually used
Speaker 2: punctuation still.
Speaker 1: So she's saying he had all he needed earned her
Speaker 1: two kids, rightfully, So I had everything I needed in
Speaker 1: them in my family. What I felt that I always
Speaker 1: still wanted, though, were the titles, the title of husband,
Speaker 1: the title of father. I would follow up by saying
Speaker 1: that I never looked for her kids to call me
Speaker 1: father slash dad. I never wanted to replace their biological father.
Speaker 1: I only wanted to just be there for those kids,
Speaker 1: because I do love them like their my very own.
Speaker 1: What I was searching for was that acknowledgment from my
Speaker 1: significant other. Nevertheless, she was still right. I had everything
Speaker 1: I needed. My question for you, guys, are titles really important?
Speaker 1: Or was I just losing sight of my eighty while
Speaker 1: worrying about the other twenty. I proposed to her two
Speaker 1: years ago, but we agreed that we would get married
Speaker 1: after I got my finances together, and for the time
Speaker 1: being I was. For the time being, I was doing,
Speaker 1: in my opinion, much better with finances and budgeting than
Speaker 1: I was not. Then we moved into our new home
Speaker 1: last year. This is what happens, only for it to
Speaker 1: not feel like home. Our differences in perspective just started
Speaker 1: constantly clashing with one another. I feel like what it
Speaker 1: came down to was that I felt like I wasn't
Speaker 1: being heard in our household as a partner. She felt
Speaker 1: that I lacked initiative. Several small problems led to big
Speaker 1: problem that led us here today. Any advice ps. After
Speaker 1: listening to an episode of Dead Ass, I realized that
Speaker 1: I too have mother issues that I need to process. Well,
Speaker 1: there you go and heal from That's what it sounds
Speaker 1: like to me. He wants the titles and the affirmation
Speaker 1: from her because he wants that from his mom. That
Speaker 1: was when she was saying. When he kept saying, I
Speaker 1: want the titles and I wanted it from her, That's
Speaker 1: what it sounded like to me. I feel like hearing
Speaker 1: Deval tell his experience of dealing with that truly helped
Speaker 1: me to begin to understand that I may be dealing
Speaker 1: with the same issues I am in the process of
Speaker 1: seeking someone to speak to in order to begin this
Speaker 1: healing journey. Thank you, guys for all the support you
Speaker 1: give to your listeners.
Speaker 2: That's awesome. That is awesome that you are like so
Speaker 2: self aware to know like, Okay, yeah, I have some
Speaker 2: issues here and I need to go on the healing journey.
Speaker 2: So just because it was a little spotty in the beginning,
Speaker 2: you get sorry if you want to I just want
Speaker 2: to reread one portion of it. Our last conversation of
Speaker 2: trying to figure out what went wrong. My fiance mentioned
Speaker 2: that I had everything I needed in her, However I
Speaker 2: didn't have the things I wanted. So essentially, what he
Speaker 2: saying is that he wants the title. He wanted to
Speaker 2: get married, to have the title of husband and.
Speaker 1: Father right, And what she was saying is is like,
Speaker 1: we're not in a good place financially to get married,
Speaker 1: so focus on that. And he feels like he's I'm focused,
Speaker 1: I'm doing better, I'm doing better, and she's like, no,
Speaker 1: you're not ready yet, and he feels like he keep
Speaker 1: jumping through hoops and he never gets the affirmation from
Speaker 1: his wife or girlfriend soon to be wife that he wants.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 3: And I think there's two things to this.
Speaker 1: Number one, looking for someone to affirm you is always
Speaker 1: a setup for failure because, like he said, that affirmation
Speaker 1: that you're seeking is not really what you're truly seeking.
Speaker 1: You have issues with your own issues, and you have
Speaker 1: those issues and you want your mom to affirm you.
Speaker 1: But now you're looking for someone else. What's going to
Speaker 1: happen is she's going to affirm him, and it's not
Speaker 1: going to change the way he feels, and it's going
Speaker 1: to be something else.
Speaker 2: Say that void feeling is going to become kind of
Speaker 2: obsolete at that point because it's like you're not going
Speaker 2: to really get to the root of the issue, which
Speaker 2: is probably, like he says, and I'm glad that you
Speaker 2: acknowledge it. It's your mom or whatever that lack of
Speaker 2: you know, relationship you have with her or what she
Speaker 2: didn't pour into you, that you're seeking validation within your relationship,
Speaker 2: And it could be your fiance seeing that also in
Speaker 2: you and saying, I know that there's something deeply rooty
Speaker 2: here that needs to be handled or addressed before we
Speaker 2: take that step to become a married couple, you know.
Speaker 2: And also too, when you move in together and you become,
Speaker 2: you know, one within a household, that doesn't necessarily either
Speaker 2: make it a home when the heart of the home
Speaker 2: is absent because they are underlying issues, then it's only
Speaker 2: just going to be a house.
Speaker 1: Also, there is very hard to blend a family, right,
Speaker 1: especially if the other members outside the family are still involved.
Speaker 1: For example, you meet a woman, she's beautiful, she has everything,
Speaker 1: she has a child, right, that child has a father, right, Oh,
Speaker 1: I love the child. Yeah, but that child has a father,
Speaker 1: so you can't be that child's father you. He opened
Speaker 1: up saying, I always wanted to be a dad and
Speaker 1: a husband.
Speaker 3: Cool.
Speaker 1: You wanted a wife and you wanted kids, but you
Speaker 1: found somebody with kids, so you want to assume or
Speaker 1: you want to take on the role of being a
Speaker 1: father figure to them kids.
Speaker 3: Them kids is like I already got a dad. Bro Like,
Speaker 3: I'm not here for you. I'm here with my mom.
Speaker 1: And I think it's difficult for people sometimes to compartmentalize,
Speaker 1: especially when it comes time to kids. Come down to kids,
Speaker 1: it's like, you're here for the partnership with that person.
Speaker 1: Those children are not yours, so you are not obligated
Speaker 1: to do anything for them. They also are not obligated
Speaker 1: to but anything to make you feel comfortable. Those are
Speaker 1: somebody else's kids. He's going to have to deal with that,
Speaker 1: and there's nothing she can say to make him feel comfortable.
Speaker 1: He wants to be a father and a husband. You
Speaker 1: can't be a father to those kids because it seems like,
Speaker 1: based on when she said that those kids have a
Speaker 1: father figure who's already involved.
Speaker 2: I mean, but he I do like and acknowledge that
Speaker 2: he feels like he does love them like they're his
Speaker 2: own and they just want that relationship, which is good
Speaker 2: because we've seen a lot of blended situations that are not.
Speaker 1: But I will say this, we not together and you
Speaker 1: marry somebody else, right, Jake, my son's is not calling
Speaker 1: that guy dad or stepdad. Your name is Jake, right, Yes,
Speaker 1: that's Jake is my mother's husband. I have a dad
Speaker 1: and a father and I am adamant that because I
Speaker 1: don't foresee us ever. But if it were to ever happen,
Speaker 1: my kids are not calling another man dad, and and
Speaker 1: to be honest, my kids would be super respectful absolutely
Speaker 1: in that man's house.
Speaker 3: Yep.
Speaker 1: But my kids also not staying there. My kids are
Speaker 1: staying with me because I only trust me with my kids,
Speaker 1: and I think some people need you see what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: He doesn't have kids, or he doesn't know what it
Speaker 1: feels like to have your offspring with someone else, so
Speaker 1: he may feel like, oh, our house is a house,
Speaker 1: but it's not a home. Yeah, because them kids ain't
Speaker 1: running in the house saying hey Dad, you know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, right, get it?
Speaker 3: Get yeah, you got a compartmental lot.
Speaker 2: Hey, and then once you go on your healing journey
Speaker 2: and you figure out what's going on and you get
Speaker 2: to rid of that, and then you finally get with
Speaker 2: you fiance and then you decide maybe y'all want to
Speaker 2: have children together, then you can have that family and
Speaker 2: that happily ever after that you were so seeking. So
Speaker 2: good luck to you, brother. I appreciate your.
Speaker 1: It's unfair for people to come to the table. And
Speaker 1: I say people because I saw me and the other
Speaker 1: day on Instagram. You come to the table with a relationship,
Speaker 1: he said, I come with a child. You got to
Speaker 1: treat my child like it's yours. But then when that
Speaker 1: person says, hey, well i'm stepping into discipline as y like, well.
Speaker 3: I don't need you for all that. No, no, no,
Speaker 3: no no, do not tell me.
Speaker 1: You want me to step up as a parental figure
Speaker 1: to your child only when it's convenient, because now you're
Speaker 1: blurring the lines.
Speaker 3: And there was a woman on there screaming at this
Speaker 3: man like you're not how father, You're not how father.
Speaker 1: Don't say nothing to her, And he was just like,
Speaker 1: but y'all here staying in my house and I saw
Speaker 1: she was doing something disrespectful to you, and she's like,
Speaker 1: well she got a father to Doude that I don't
Speaker 1: need you.
Speaker 3: That would have been the last day both of them
Speaker 3: was being in my house.
Speaker 1: I'd be like, oh, for real, okay, so I can't
Speaker 1: discipline so and so okay, cool, this is the last
Speaker 1: set of discipline. Get y'all shit and get out, because
Speaker 1: you're not going to disrespect me in my house in
Speaker 1: front of your child.
Speaker 3: And now that child one.
Speaker 1: Think they can disrespect me in my house. And if
Speaker 1: I disrespect the child, then they go to get their father.
Speaker 1: And if I'm that child's father and you disrespect my
Speaker 1: kid in your house, I'm whooping your ass. And that's
Speaker 1: what I think a lot of people need to realize.
Speaker 1: When you are getting involved with people who have kids,
Speaker 1: there's a dynamic that you may not.
Speaker 3: Be ready for.
Speaker 2: That's a fact.
Speaker 3: And until you ready for that, don't get into it.
Speaker 2: Don't do it. Just don't do it. All right, Good
Speaker 2: luck to you, bro, And if you guys want to
Speaker 2: be featured as one of our listening letters, email us
Speaker 2: at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com. We'd love
Speaker 2: to hear from you.
Speaker 3: That's D E A D A S S A D
Speaker 3: V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All right now, moment of truth time. We're talking casual
Speaker 2: sex within a marriage. Don't get it twisted. Mine is
Speaker 2: a fairly simple baby. Let me hear it every now
Speaker 2: and again. You just gotta bust a wide open for
Speaker 2: your man, okay. And why and when you think it's wide,
Speaker 2: go wider. And when you think you wider, wider. I'm
Speaker 2: about to take some stretch classes, y'all, to get my
Speaker 2: flexibility back. Like I said, I've been working on my body,
Speaker 2: you know what I'm saying. So working on all the
Speaker 2: things so that when we have our casual sex moments
Speaker 2: within the relationship here, I like, I can give you
Speaker 2: what you need and in turn you give me what
Speaker 2: I need and that gives us what we need collectively
Speaker 2: to move forward with our day. And I love that
Speaker 2: for us. I love where we are with this. You
Speaker 2: guys have literally seen this progress over the course of
Speaker 2: fifteen seasons, okay, because if you listen to one of
Speaker 2: our podcast episodes talking about sex early on, where there was.
Speaker 3: Season one, two or three trying to figure it out.
Speaker 2: We were trying to figure it out We've literally figured
Speaker 2: out the journey of our life together as a married couple,
Speaker 2: having sex within this marriage, and what that looks like
Speaker 2: for us, and the struggles and the ups and the downs.
Speaker 2: But I'm happy to announce, as if y'all care. I
Speaker 2: don't know if y'all do. I'm happy to announce that
Speaker 2: we're in a great space.
Speaker 1: We're in a great space. I have nothing to complain about.
Speaker 1: I get taken care of her, focus on taking care
Speaker 1: of you. My moment of truth is the same as yours.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. Gentlemen, we ask them to
Speaker 1: bust it open. Sometimes you gotta just get deep. And
Speaker 1: when you think you've gone deep, you gotta go deeper.
Speaker 1: And when you think you're going as deep as you
Speaker 1: can go, you gotta go deeper.
Speaker 3: Y'all.
Speaker 1: Like to be honest, you gotta remember, Oh my god,
Speaker 1: you gotta remember when you was trying to drop that
Speaker 1: grade A to prove to her that she should mess
Speaker 1: with no other dude. Every dude has that moment. But
Speaker 1: it's like, y'all gonna make sure she don't mess with
Speaker 1: nobody else. I think it's imperative that you continue to
Speaker 1: do that. Five ten fifteen twenty years into the marriage,
Speaker 1: and don't lose sight of the fact that that woman
Speaker 1: wants to be split in half once in a while,
Speaker 1: Like does she need that?
Speaker 3: She need that?
Speaker 1: Reminded, gentleman, So yo, casually fuck your wife consistently.
Speaker 2: All right, dead ass, y'all, and we have some amazing
Speaker 2: after show content, exclusive podcast videos, family content. Everything is
Speaker 2: on Patreon patrem Patreon shout out, I know you got
Speaker 2: me all hot and bothered. Good thing. I got my
Speaker 2: hoodie on camouflage under hear y'all, but no, make sure
Speaker 2: you're signed up on Patreon. Shout out to our Patreon
Speaker 2: gang Gang Gang Gang for subscribing and watching all of
Speaker 2: our content. You can also follow us on social media
Speaker 2: at dead Ass the podcast I'm Kadena, I am and
Speaker 2: I Am Devout.
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate,
Speaker 1: review and subscribe. And if you're listening, make sure you
Speaker 1: get that copy of We Over Me, The counter Intuitive
Speaker 1: Approach to Getting Everything you want out of your relationship.
Speaker 3: New York Times bestselling y'all over almost one hundred thousand.
Speaker 2: Come on, get us to one hundred thousand copies, y'all.
Speaker 2: The holiday seasons are coming up right there. We're right
Speaker 2: into fall. It's holiday season pretty much. It's gift giving season.
Speaker 2: It's hoodie season. Grab your dead Ass merch, grab your book.
Speaker 2: All great gifts it gets for the holidays as well.
Speaker 2: All right, love y'all so much.
Speaker 3: Cut.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast network and
Speaker 1: its produced by Donor Opinya and Triple Follow the podcast
Speaker 1: on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and never
Speaker 1: miss a Thing