WEBVTT - Get Your Freak On 0:00:01.000 --> 0:00:06.560 Marriage sex be whacked as fuck. No, it's not with me, 0:00:07.800 --> 0:00:12.400 marriage sex. I'm talking about marriage sex. Marriage sex be 0:00:12.480 --> 0:00:13.160 whack as fuck. 0:00:13.960 --> 0:00:16.560 All right, dead ass, I guess dead ass? 0:00:17.440 --> 0:00:17.960 Dead ass? 0:00:18.000 --> 0:00:19.800 So how do we get this spark pothin or how 0:00:19.800 --> 0:00:21.599 do we keep it? Is the question. 0:00:21.960 --> 0:00:24.320 That's what we're gonna talk about casually. 0:00:25.600 --> 0:00:29.080 Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devou and we're the Ellis's. 0:00:30.000 --> 0:00:32.200 You may know us from posting funny videos with our. 0:00:32.120 --> 0:00:36.199 Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. 0:00:36.800 --> 0:00:40.160 Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow. 0:00:40.360 --> 0:00:42.880 Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married. 0:00:42.640 --> 0:00:43.440 Yes, sir, we are. 0:00:43.960 --> 0:00:46.800 We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of 0:00:46.880 --> 0:00:48.760 li's most taboo topics. 0:00:48.360 --> 0:00:51.159 Things most folks don't want to talk about. 0:00:51.080 --> 0:00:53.360 Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass 0:00:53.440 --> 0:00:55.480 is a term that we say every day. So when 0:00:55.480 --> 0:00:59.360 we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred, 0:00:59.760 --> 0:01:02.280 the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 0:01:02.480 --> 0:01:05.000 Were about to take Bilos off to our whole new level. 0:01:07.200 --> 0:01:09.240 Dead ass starts right now. 0:01:11.000 --> 0:01:15.280 All right, story time, story time, I'm gonna take y'all 0:01:15.319 --> 0:01:17.760 back to two weeks ago. 0:01:19.120 --> 0:01:21.240 We're on a flight coming back from. 0:01:21.520 --> 0:01:23.840 Oh god, we're because we've been on so many flights, y'all. 0:01:24.600 --> 0:01:26.160 We're coming back to yourself. 0:01:26.400 --> 0:01:27.279 Okay, back here. 0:01:27.520 --> 0:01:32.240 From and you and Jackson, no, you and Kiro were 0:01:32.240 --> 0:01:33.199 sitting in first class. 0:01:33.240 --> 0:01:35.280 I was in comfort plus I was sitting right behind. 0:01:35.000 --> 0:01:37.320 You, right behind us, and we were getting ready to 0:01:37.360 --> 0:01:40.520 go back home, and we weren't able to have the 0:01:40.560 --> 0:01:42.760 type of sex that we wanted to have because Cairo 0:01:42.920 --> 0:01:44.920 was staying with losing cure cyle. So we was like 0:01:46.319 --> 0:01:48.280 it was two dry days, right, which you know in 0:01:48.360 --> 0:01:51.600 our house doesn't happen too often. But I remember sitting 0:01:51.640 --> 0:01:55.400 there texting and k was sending me memes from Instagram, 0:01:55.520 --> 0:01:58.240 like sexy memes, and then she sends me a text 0:01:58.360 --> 0:02:00.880 on the meme it was just like, yo, I want 0:02:01.000 --> 0:02:02.640 you to do some and so to me, and then 0:02:02.680 --> 0:02:03.680 at the end of it, she was just like, I 0:02:03.800 --> 0:02:08.679 want to get fucked. And to be honest, though, I 0:02:09.000 --> 0:02:13.240 don't think a lot of people realize how important that 0:02:13.400 --> 0:02:16.480 is in the marriage. When you and your spouse decide 0:02:16.520 --> 0:02:18.960 that we're not going to play the marriage game, right, 0:02:19.680 --> 0:02:21.760 we were gonna play the I want to get mind 0:02:21.880 --> 0:02:24.200 game in the bedroom, and that's what I want to 0:02:24.200 --> 0:02:24.919 talk about today. 0:02:24.960 --> 0:02:27.359 All right, Now we can unravel that story, baby, when 0:02:27.360 --> 0:02:32.119 you're ready. All right, karaoke time. I feel like we've 0:02:32.320 --> 0:02:34.480 had so many episodes about sex. We're talking about random 0:02:34.480 --> 0:02:35.920 different things about sex, so we're. 0:02:35.760 --> 0:02:36.520 Not a different one though. 0:02:36.560 --> 0:02:39.120 We're trying to remember, like what songs we've used, and 0:02:39.280 --> 0:02:40.720 we use knocking the boots before. 0:02:42.000 --> 0:02:46.720 Uh huh, we used less talk about done that. 0:02:46.919 --> 0:02:47.600 I got a different one. 0:02:47.639 --> 0:02:49.960 This time, you got different. I let you pick today. 0:02:50.040 --> 0:02:52.320 Shout out to our roots since we both Jamaican. 0:02:53.760 --> 0:02:55.520 Oh yeah, he is the passport to proof of baby, 0:02:55.520 --> 0:02:57.320 and the popis them mm hmm. 0:02:57.639 --> 0:03:02.120 And now I got the voice, So dime to a 0:03:02.200 --> 0:03:05.560 have six look out a long every rude boy, yea 0:03:05.680 --> 0:03:06.960 weird flicks. 0:03:07.760 --> 0:03:08.960 Dime do I have said? 0:03:09.800 --> 0:03:14.320 Bye, that's a good one. Flip flip flip flip flicks 0:03:15.400 --> 0:03:18.359 before you're rich, I guess perfume. 0:03:19.080 --> 0:03:21.560 Oh my god, that's when it said, man, yeah. 0:03:21.919 --> 0:03:25.360 Child crazy because we were singing this stuff as children. 0:03:25.400 --> 0:03:25.560 I know. 0:03:25.600 --> 0:03:27.840 I think it came out in It was either ninety 0:03:28.240 --> 0:03:30.359 nine or ninety was it really? Yeah? So I remember 0:03:30.400 --> 0:03:32.920 from Bethlehem, so I was like six. 0:03:34.680 --> 0:03:36.600 Trying to figure out how to wind my waist tight 0:03:36.640 --> 0:03:38.800 because that's when all of the slow wine was happening 0:03:38.880 --> 0:03:40.440 in nineteen ninety flu. 0:03:41.200 --> 0:03:46.120 The most top tier thing about life for me at 0:03:46.240 --> 0:03:51.160 least is growing up as a person of West Indian 0:03:51.200 --> 0:03:54.360 descent in Brooklyn in the nineties. 0:03:54.560 --> 0:03:55.880 Yeah, like that was a. 0:03:57.840 --> 0:04:00.080 Vibe. Like the private school that we went to you 0:04:01.000 --> 0:04:04.840 was all black, It was a mix between American and 0:04:05.000 --> 0:04:07.520 Caribbean people. It was just such a vibe. I felt 0:04:07.520 --> 0:04:09.080 like I was really able to come into my own. 0:04:09.680 --> 0:04:14.080 It became it became a global like cultural movement because 0:04:14.200 --> 0:04:17.760 from the nineties into two thousands, that's when the Sean 0:04:17.880 --> 0:04:20.440 Paul's and the Beanie Man's and the Elephant Man's took 0:04:20.480 --> 0:04:23.520 the world by storm and reggae became real mainstream. Remember 0:04:23.960 --> 0:04:27.280 from like the late nineties, Maya had the song with 0:04:27.400 --> 0:04:29.000 Beanie I'm trying to think about what was the first 0:04:29.040 --> 0:04:30.640 reggae song that went mainstream? 0:04:31.000 --> 0:04:34.520 I think it was best collab, wasn't It wasn't best 0:04:34.520 --> 0:04:36.480 to me? What was Maya and Beanie Man's. 0:04:37.920 --> 0:04:40.360 Take the Stars the Sky? 0:04:40.720 --> 0:04:42.599 Four years that guys guys. 0:04:43.760 --> 0:04:46.360 In this world? Then if I could be young girl, 0:04:46.440 --> 0:04:48.560 that was right? I don't know that was the first, 0:04:48.600 --> 0:04:50.200 but that was definitely a big one when I was 0:04:50.240 --> 0:04:50.599 in school. 0:04:50.800 --> 0:04:51.560 I remember that was the. 0:04:51.600 --> 0:04:55.480 First reggae song. I remember hearing on Hot ninety seven, okay, 0:04:55.640 --> 0:05:00.640 and then that song came and Simsimmer. That was was 0:05:00.720 --> 0:05:03.280 huge in nineteen ninety eight. So matter of fact, I 0:05:03.279 --> 0:05:04.480 think sim Simmer was first. 0:05:05.880 --> 0:05:08.800 I love a white beamer to this day. 0:05:08.760 --> 0:05:10.880 Oh because of sim Simmer. I thought you said, because 0:05:10.880 --> 0:05:12.240 I love that's why I love white man. I was 0:05:12.279 --> 0:05:14.360 about to be like, what what because you said that's 0:05:14.360 --> 0:05:15.840 why I love white And I was like, whereh she going? 0:05:16.040 --> 0:05:18.719 No, no, no, you know it's a thing where Jamaican's 0:05:20.560 --> 0:05:22.040 guess what it is. You know what I'm saying. So 0:05:22.120 --> 0:05:23.160 that's always gonna be a vibe. 0:05:23.360 --> 0:05:23.720 All right. 0:05:24.040 --> 0:05:26.120 One thing that kills vibes bills. We gotta pay bills, 0:05:26.160 --> 0:05:27.640 all right, they're about to kill our vibe. We're gonna 0:05:27.640 --> 0:05:29.280 take a quick break and we're gonna come back. We're 0:05:29.279 --> 0:05:32.400 gonna jump into story time and talk about casual sex 0:05:32.480 --> 0:05:36.159 and marriage. Okay, don't get it twisted. We're gonna explain 0:05:36.279 --> 0:05:41.920 what that means when we're back. Stick around, y'all, all right, 0:05:41.960 --> 0:05:47.880 and we're back. Yes, listen, okay, I will say as 0:05:47.920 --> 0:05:50.800 it relates to your story time, Yes, there is something 0:05:50.920 --> 0:05:55.560 to be said about like being with your husband away 0:05:55.680 --> 0:05:58.159 in a tropical place, you know where they are celebrating 0:05:58.200 --> 0:06:01.040 our really good friend's wedding. But the style cramper is 0:06:01.120 --> 0:06:03.200 like your kids in the bed hol you in the 0:06:03.240 --> 0:06:04.720 hotel with us. You know what I'm saying. So we're like, 0:06:04.760 --> 0:06:06.880 you know what, We'll tough it out for two days. 0:06:06.920 --> 0:06:09.640 Were there for Tuesday to Thursday, so for three days, 0:06:09.680 --> 0:06:11.960 we're gonna tough it out until we get back home. 0:06:12.240 --> 0:06:15.360 So being in that environment and wanting my man the 0:06:15.440 --> 0:06:19.240 way I want my man, well, actually we did have 0:06:19.360 --> 0:06:24.680 a moment that was very casual of us. We had 0:06:25.160 --> 0:06:26.400 How did I forget about that? 0:06:27.000 --> 0:06:29.840 But that's what sparked you to send me the things 0:06:30.320 --> 0:06:31.240 on the plane. 0:06:31.320 --> 0:06:32.640 I think that's what it was. 0:06:32.800 --> 0:06:34.840 So let me let me go back. 0:06:35.240 --> 0:06:38.040 I'm gonna let y'all into like a this would be 0:06:38.080 --> 0:06:42.400 the only fans version of the past for y'allay. So 0:06:43.080 --> 0:06:45.560 it is the night of the wedding, right, and at 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:48.719 that point we had been out dancing all night. Y'all 0:06:48.760 --> 0:06:51.200 saw the footage. Probably check my fan page because they 0:06:51.200 --> 0:06:54.160 probably got all my stories on there dancing having a 0:06:54.240 --> 0:06:56.840 grand on time at the wedding. Right, So Cairo was 0:06:56.960 --> 0:06:58.840 dancing on the dance floor, he was knocked out in 0:06:59.279 --> 0:07:02.480 sleep sleep, So Deval and I put them in the 0:07:02.560 --> 0:07:04.960 bed and whatnot. And then we're just chilling on the 0:07:05.240 --> 0:07:12.400 balcony on and you know, one thing leads to another. 0:07:13.320 --> 0:07:15.440 And at that point we're on like the fifth floor, 0:07:15.520 --> 0:07:16.440 so we're pretty high up. 0:07:16.800 --> 0:07:19.680 They ain't know one thing leads to another. It's we're 0:07:19.720 --> 0:07:21.160 on the fifth floor, is high up. We can see 0:07:21.160 --> 0:07:24.800 it's it's dark out there. Nobody can really because we 0:07:24.920 --> 0:07:25.320 can't see. 0:07:25.400 --> 0:07:29.680 No, yeah, hope, we hope nobody can see us. But 0:07:30.240 --> 0:07:31.080 we're on the balcony. 0:07:32.520 --> 0:07:36.800 Ye, all the world is sleeping. Blowout. 0:07:38.800 --> 0:07:42.240 I'm like, yo, you ain't then you ain't never want 0:07:42.240 --> 0:07:44.440 to have sex on the balcony Macony. 0:07:45.320 --> 0:07:48.040 She's like people, I was like, shut up, shut up, 0:07:48.080 --> 0:07:49.040 shut up, shut up. 0:07:49.240 --> 0:07:51.480 This is where I talk about like the casual sex 0:07:51.840 --> 0:07:55.600 because if if it's your wife, right, we have these conversations. 0:07:55.640 --> 0:07:57.720 You know, we're gonna cuddle you know, can we cuddle 0:07:57.760 --> 0:08:00.720 me up beforehand? Can we? And it's like we can 0:08:00.840 --> 0:08:01.800 do all of these things. 0:08:02.120 --> 0:08:04.000 Yes, I get it, I get it, but that should 0:08:04.000 --> 0:08:06.080 be whacked to me sometimes, Like I'm being honest, Like 0:08:06.200 --> 0:08:08.280 I love cuddling and I love doing all of that 0:08:08.320 --> 0:08:09.480 stuff because I know that you need it. 0:08:09.760 --> 0:08:10.840 But sometimes I want. 0:08:10.720 --> 0:08:14.800 It to just be like ah and not not spontaneous, spontaneous, 0:08:14.840 --> 0:08:18.280 but not a quickie because we'll do spontaneous like YoY, 0:08:18.400 --> 0:08:22.600 we only got seven minutes left before the kids come home. Yeah, 0:08:22.680 --> 0:08:24.720 so we'll do that, but that's also like a let 0:08:24.760 --> 0:08:27.480 me get mine real fast. No, I want to have 0:08:27.840 --> 0:08:33.480 casual sex, not casual quikies. Right, casual sex where I'm 0:08:33.520 --> 0:08:36.000 trying to prove to you that I'm the man that 0:08:36.120 --> 0:08:38.800 you need me to be, and I want you to 0:08:38.960 --> 0:08:40.719 prove to me right, you know what I'm saying, And 0:08:41.040 --> 0:08:42.520 have the type of sex when you you know, when 0:08:42.559 --> 0:08:43.480 you don't know each. 0:08:43.280 --> 0:08:47.319 Other really right sore phase. Yes, the dating phase. 0:08:47.320 --> 0:08:50.520 It is getting back to dating phase, trying to gain 0:08:50.640 --> 0:08:54.360 title of boyfriend and girlfriend. Yes, you're really feeling this person. 0:08:54.920 --> 0:08:56.960 That's where all of the sparks, like we talked about, 0:08:57.040 --> 0:09:00.640 like bottling up that newness in the relationship, in the 0:09:00.720 --> 0:09:03.880 sexual journey that is marriage. So yeah, we both have 0:09:04.000 --> 0:09:07.360 had those moments, and I more recently we spoke about 0:09:07.400 --> 0:09:12.160 removing my IUD devaliating his vasectomy. That those two major 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:16.560 things eliminating so much of what used to bother us 0:09:16.679 --> 0:09:18.839 or used to just interestrate with our sex life and 0:09:18.920 --> 0:09:21.959 our drives and whatnot. So I have now begind And 0:09:22.000 --> 0:09:23.800 it could because I'm on the fourth floor now, because 0:09:23.800 --> 0:09:26.080 I've heard once you get there, you know, you get there, 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:28.839 So it could be a combination of those things. But 0:09:29.120 --> 0:09:31.920 saying that to say, that's something that I kind of 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:35.160 require now too. And to your point, there are moments 0:09:35.200 --> 0:09:36.719 where I'm like, you know, babe, I want you to 0:09:37.440 --> 0:09:39.559 see me and feel me, and we do all the 0:09:39.640 --> 0:09:44.560 theatrics of the foreplay, but sometimes the cure style Bontoni 0:09:44.960 --> 0:09:45.880 Son got that work. 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:47.680 The reason why I felt like that too was because 0:09:47.720 --> 0:09:50.199 your parents live with us right this. Sometimes I want 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:52.520 to have casual sex right there in the family room, 0:09:52.720 --> 0:09:54.319 And every time I go, I'm like, yo, yo, come on, 0:09:54.480 --> 0:09:56.000 just come on, come give me some happy quick. 0:09:56.000 --> 0:09:57.640 She'd be like She's like, no, no, no, what My 0:09:57.800 --> 0:09:59.760 dad he walks real slow, He's like a. 0:09:59.800 --> 0:10:02.840 Go and I'm like it floats around the house, y'all. 0:10:03.120 --> 0:10:05.000 He pops up. He's scared this shit out of me. 0:10:05.080 --> 0:10:06.679 The other day when I was over here just packing, 0:10:06.800 --> 0:10:08.840 cleaning up the room or whatever, and I turned around 0:10:08.880 --> 0:10:10.559 and my dad was literally standing there looking at me 0:10:11.360 --> 0:10:14.000 like a creep, and I'm like what and he's like, oh, nothing, 0:10:14.040 --> 0:10:15.079 I was just checking to see if you want me 0:10:15.120 --> 0:10:16.120 to take out some meat for dinner. 0:10:16.160 --> 0:10:19.080 I'm like, okay, I'm meat and give it to your 0:10:19.120 --> 0:10:22.000 daughter right now, sir. You messing up my vibes all right. 0:10:22.320 --> 0:10:25.200 Like we literally have to be like, yeah, we are 0:10:25.280 --> 0:10:25.920 conscious of it. 0:10:26.040 --> 0:10:29.320 And if it's not your parents, it's a kid, so. 0:10:29.440 --> 0:10:31.199 We don't we don't get a chance to have like 0:10:31.360 --> 0:10:35.920 casual sex ever, like it's it's always planned. It has 0:10:35.960 --> 0:10:40.120 to be like I wanted it to be casual sex 0:10:40.600 --> 0:10:43.800 because married couples don't ever get a chance to have 0:10:44.040 --> 0:10:47.880 casual sex, especially if you have kids. For example, if 0:10:47.920 --> 0:10:50.360 I look at my wife and she looks hot right now, right, 0:10:51.160 --> 0:10:53.559 I can't just say, yo, let's go in the back end. No, 0:10:53.960 --> 0:10:55.199 I got to be like, what time you got to 0:10:55.200 --> 0:10:57.400 get so and so, who is there? Who is in 0:10:57.480 --> 0:10:59.480 the house? Okay, Then by the time we get to 0:10:59.520 --> 0:11:02.439 the end of the night, she tired. So now I'm 0:11:02.480 --> 0:11:05.520 just like, fuck, how do I how do I ease 0:11:05.640 --> 0:11:08.840 her back into the idea of having sex? And then 0:11:08.880 --> 0:11:10.679 it's like, what hoops do I gotta jump through? Okay, 0:11:10.960 --> 0:11:13.079 let me give her a massage, let me rub her back. 0:11:13.120 --> 0:11:15.880 At this point, it's not casual no more. And I'm 0:11:15.920 --> 0:11:18.280 not really enjoying it that much, right you know what 0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:18.600 I'm saying. 0:11:18.600 --> 0:11:20.200 It's the work that has to go into it when 0:11:20.240 --> 0:11:25.160 we just want those effortless moments. It was hilarious other day. 0:11:25.200 --> 0:11:28.240 I think Matt came by, and Matt, you know, Matt's family. 0:11:28.360 --> 0:11:30.120 So Matt came by and I think he noticed that, 0:11:30.280 --> 0:11:33.000 like some car was missing, and he didn't know who 0:11:33.120 --> 0:11:36.000 exactly was home. And he's like, valecaty might be home 0:11:36.080 --> 0:11:39.240 by themselves, and if they are, who knows what might 0:11:39.280 --> 0:11:41.280 be going down if I walk through this door right now. 0:11:41.400 --> 0:11:44.319 So it's like, announce yourself, sir, because he had the 0:11:44.440 --> 0:11:46.920 right idea, Let me announce myself so that I'm not 0:11:47.000 --> 0:11:47.840 working your doorbell. 0:11:48.120 --> 0:11:49.719 And the thing is that annoyed the ship out of me. 0:11:49.920 --> 0:11:51.559 I'm like, who the fuck ringing the doorbell in the 0:11:51.600 --> 0:11:53.520 middle of the day. They know we are just like, 0:11:53.640 --> 0:11:57.120 whoever's here knows that we here. So then I'm like, Matt, 0:11:57.679 --> 0:11:58.839 why the camera the door? 0:11:58.920 --> 0:12:01.240 Bet Matt. He's just like, look, man, I ain't see 0:12:01.320 --> 0:12:03.800 these cars. The kids is at school. I know how 0:12:03.880 --> 0:12:06.520 y'all do? Do you know what I'm saying? I was like, I. 0:12:06.600 --> 0:12:09.240 Appreciate that, bro, Yeah, appreciate that. 0:12:09.400 --> 0:12:13.240 But for real, though, like people don't realize how monotonous 0:12:13.320 --> 0:12:15.599 sex can become, even in your marriage, even when you 0:12:15.720 --> 0:12:16.000 try to. 0:12:16.040 --> 0:12:20.240 Be deliverate, deliverate, deliberate, deliver it would be. 0:12:21.800 --> 0:12:24.199 Trying to want you to deliver it. Yes, I want 0:12:24.240 --> 0:12:26.880 you to deliver it, and I'd be wanting to do that. 0:12:27.200 --> 0:12:28.839 I be wanting to deliver it, but there'd be so 0:12:28.960 --> 0:12:29.800 much things going on. 0:12:30.120 --> 0:12:32.120 And I'm gonna say this, two women don't understand how 0:12:32.200 --> 0:12:34.719 much goes in our mind when we getting ready to 0:12:34.760 --> 0:12:35.240 have sex. 0:12:35.360 --> 0:12:39.160 Right, Like we were talking beforehand, Josh was like his 0:12:39.280 --> 0:12:40.800 wife was just like, do you see me? 0:12:41.320 --> 0:12:43.280 And he was like she wants to feel seen too, right, 0:12:43.320 --> 0:12:44.800 But he's just like, you don't see y'all. 0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:48.199 Is clearly I see you, and you asking me if 0:12:48.280 --> 0:12:51.800 I see you? It's messing up the mojo right now, So. 0:12:51.920 --> 0:12:52.719 You should see that. 0:12:52.840 --> 0:12:55.000 I see you, don't see me seeing you, both of 0:12:55.080 --> 0:12:55.480 us see you. 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:57.480 He looking right at you with the one eye, right, 0:12:57.520 --> 0:12:59.760 he the one eye looking right at you, like, come on, 0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:02.480 what we're trying to do. And that's that's what I'm 0:13:02.520 --> 0:13:05.079 talking about with casual sex. That that sex was just 0:13:05.200 --> 0:13:09.719 like John fuck and you like yeah, and then there's no, 0:13:10.160 --> 0:13:12.959 there's no let's talk about for a play like me, 0:13:13.320 --> 0:13:15.360 get in my phone and make sure not it. 0:13:15.440 --> 0:13:19.560 Is grab the collar, dragging the back of the room 0:13:19.640 --> 0:13:21.960 and I got we're seeing. 0:13:21.760 --> 0:13:24.839 That the footage of the lions and stuff like that. 0:13:26.200 --> 0:13:29.800 That's what you mean. Do they like each other? They're fighting? Oh, 0:13:29.840 --> 0:13:31.720 they're not. They're not fighting. 0:13:32.080 --> 0:13:35.319 They fighting they're fighting for love. That's how when we 0:13:35.440 --> 0:13:36.200 have casual sex. 0:13:36.240 --> 0:13:37.520 You know, have you noticed how to do this? We 0:13:37.600 --> 0:13:39.400 have casual sex. We have casual sex. 0:13:39.480 --> 0:13:43.280 Right when I'm finished, I'm not getting the towel, Nope, 0:13:43.320 --> 0:13:44.959 because if I just met you, I'm not getting the 0:13:45.040 --> 0:13:48.800 towel this casual sex. Baby, I'm just rolling over, going 0:13:48.840 --> 0:13:50.880 to sleep. Whatever happens on that side of the bed 0:13:50.960 --> 0:13:52.880 happened on that side of the bed already. You figure 0:13:52.920 --> 0:13:53.600 it out, Which. 0:13:53.440 --> 0:13:55.439 Is fine because sometimes I don't feel like being cuddled either. 0:13:55.440 --> 0:13:59.320 I'm hot anyway. I'm hot anyway, So back up. 0:14:00.200 --> 0:14:02.319 What KA gonna do is right, We're gonna be finished. 0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:04.800 She's gonna look down there. She's gonna be like. 0:14:06.480 --> 0:14:09.280 This, if this can dry up on its own, I'm 0:14:09.360 --> 0:14:12.760 going to sleep. But she's like, if this might cause 0:14:12.800 --> 0:14:15.080 some problems down there, then I see her stomp to. 0:14:15.120 --> 0:14:16.200 The bathroom right. 0:14:17.559 --> 0:14:20.200 Like that. Man, it really just all depends. 0:14:20.440 --> 0:14:22.400 It really all you selfish too, because then you'll come 0:14:22.440 --> 0:14:25.160 back after wiping yourself up, won't come back with it. 0:14:26.200 --> 0:14:27.720 She will go right on the side of the bed 0:14:27.800 --> 0:14:29.680 and go to sleep, and you know what, don't touch 0:14:29.720 --> 0:14:30.240 me anyway. 0:14:30.640 --> 0:14:33.760 I'm good like That's that to me is what keeps 0:14:33.880 --> 0:14:37.760 our sex life like on fire, because it's like yo 0:14:38.000 --> 0:14:40.560 sometimes and it's gonna sound crazy to people, but once again, 0:14:40.600 --> 0:14:43.000 I'm not. I'm not asking you how to affirm my marriage. 0:14:43.320 --> 0:14:45.320 I don't want to care about you. Sometimes I just 0:14:45.360 --> 0:14:47.720 want to split you in half and show you like 0:14:47.800 --> 0:14:49.400 this is why you marry me I completely. 0:14:50.160 --> 0:14:52.560 Sometimes the reminder is very valid and needed in that moment, 0:14:52.720 --> 0:14:54.360 you know what I'm saying, because as a woman, sometimes 0:14:54.400 --> 0:14:56.760 I want to be you know handled a little bit, 0:14:56.960 --> 0:14:59.280 you know what I'm saying, so it really works out. 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:02.440 I saw a video on Instagram of a couple and 0:15:02.720 --> 0:15:06.000 the pov was just like when you both are trying 0:15:06.040 --> 0:15:09.000 to act normal after you just like pretty much had 0:15:09.000 --> 0:15:10.360 a session and you walk in and you have to 0:15:10.520 --> 0:15:12.640 return to life and return to the kids. I'm like 0:15:12.680 --> 0:15:14.520 and I laugh because I'm like, that's deval nice so 0:15:14.600 --> 0:15:18.000 many times because falling into again the marriage rud of 0:15:18.080 --> 0:15:20.880 what sex is. There's the Okay, it's the end of 0:15:20.960 --> 0:15:23.520 the day, the kids have been taken care of, it's nighttime, 0:15:23.760 --> 0:15:26.880 we cleaned up the kitchen, everybody showered, and it's like, okay, 0:15:26.960 --> 0:15:28.920 here's the bed. Let's both turn down east side of 0:15:28.960 --> 0:15:31.200 the bed and then get in the bed. And that's 0:15:31.280 --> 0:15:34.920 probably the worst way for us at least, and it 0:15:34.960 --> 0:15:37.400 may work for somebody else, but for us, that's the 0:15:37.480 --> 0:15:38.680 worst way to start a session. 0:15:40.680 --> 0:15:43.360 I agree with you, though I'm not going to say 0:15:43.400 --> 0:15:46.200 it's the worst sex for everyone else. Right for me, 0:15:46.920 --> 0:15:49.360 I hate the minute I get in the bed and 0:15:49.440 --> 0:15:51.000 we both laying in the bed shoulder and shoulder. 0:15:51.000 --> 0:15:52.640 I don't want to have sex no more, right, I 0:15:52.720 --> 0:15:54.800 don't like there has to be some sort of adventure, 0:15:55.000 --> 0:15:57.760 like like we've done this already, you know. And and 0:15:58.120 --> 0:16:03.040 to be honest, and then isn't as important when you 0:16:03.160 --> 0:16:07.320 get married as the actual idea of having sex with 0:16:07.400 --> 0:16:10.600 your wife, Like when you younger or you're single, you 0:16:10.680 --> 0:16:12.800 want to get a nut, like I'm looking for gettingnot 0:16:12.800 --> 0:16:15.280 I want that feeling. Right once you've got married, you 0:16:15.400 --> 0:16:18.160 get that feeling because we have sex consistently. Now it's 0:16:18.200 --> 0:16:20.840 not just about the nuts. I can get a nut 0:16:20.880 --> 0:16:23.240 if I wanted a nut. It's about actually having that 0:16:23.360 --> 0:16:27.440 connection with a person. And that's to me, Oh my gosh, 0:16:27.560 --> 0:16:30.520 to be to be with you in any type of 0:16:30.560 --> 0:16:32.560 way and me giving it to you and you look 0:16:32.640 --> 0:16:34.600 back and you giving it to me, and we enjoying 0:16:34.680 --> 0:16:37.840 it and we without having to think about I hope 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:39.440 I did enough for a play. 0:16:39.840 --> 0:16:41.120 I hope I you know what I'm saying. 0:16:41.280 --> 0:16:44.200 I hope she feels seen, you know, without you having 0:16:44.200 --> 0:16:46.760 to feel like, I hope we had sex enough days 0:16:46.800 --> 0:16:48.920 in a role you know, it's like, yeah, sometimes you 0:16:48.960 --> 0:16:51.240 need to have casual sex in the marriage where we're 0:16:51.240 --> 0:16:52.280 not thinking about each other. 0:16:52.640 --> 0:16:55.560 I'm thinking about myself. You better think about yourself. 0:16:55.600 --> 0:16:57.560 Absolutely, get what we need. But there's also like a 0:16:57.600 --> 0:17:00.440 performance aspect of it too, because it's like, as much 0:17:00.440 --> 0:17:01.640 as I want to get what I need from it, 0:17:01.720 --> 0:17:03.680 I need to make sure that he gets what I'm giving. 0:17:04.359 --> 0:17:04.639 You know what? 0:17:05.400 --> 0:17:07.320 That's that, To be honest, I think that's what the 0:17:07.359 --> 0:17:10.080 biggest thing is. Casual sex for a lot of people 0:17:10.200 --> 0:17:14.159 is about performance. When you get married, you stop performing 0:17:14.480 --> 0:17:16.560 because it's like, I got my person, I don't have 0:17:16.680 --> 0:17:17.520 to prove anything. 0:17:17.960 --> 0:17:19.600 I can just get whatever I'm getting. 0:17:19.680 --> 0:17:23.359 But no, if you're constantly trying to perform for your spouse, 0:17:23.480 --> 0:17:26.359 imagine what type of sex you have in If she 0:17:26.520 --> 0:17:28.520 come to bed and she's like, I'm about to really 0:17:29.000 --> 0:17:31.800 freak this niggle off something crazy, but he comes to you, 0:17:32.200 --> 0:17:33.800 I done have my ginkolobo. 0:17:34.200 --> 0:17:36.320 You know what I'm saying, No and meet you shots. 0:17:36.000 --> 0:17:42.840 And shit's getting brain and not exploding before you're supposed to. 0:17:43.320 --> 0:17:45.680 Because we got we got missing guys. We all got 0:17:45.760 --> 0:17:47.440 our tricks. You know some guys, I was in the 0:17:47.480 --> 0:17:49.160 hood or was You get a honey pack. You get 0:17:49.200 --> 0:17:50.840 a honey pack before you go to lay down with 0:17:50.920 --> 0:17:55.720 that one sick you want the corner store. 0:17:57.240 --> 0:17:58.200 And it keeps you here. 0:17:58.320 --> 0:18:00.919 You know what, I'm saying the honey peg tonic, sexy 0:18:00.960 --> 0:18:03.320 and the roots you go to health food stores, you know. 0:18:03.520 --> 0:18:06.040 But that's the type of sex that makes a woman 0:18:06.200 --> 0:18:08.280 fall in love because he's not going it or not. 0:18:08.880 --> 0:18:10.919 That's the type of sex when guys with their friends, 0:18:11.200 --> 0:18:12.760 they'd be like, Yo, I'm going to shorty that I 0:18:12.880 --> 0:18:15.040 was after for the past couple and she said, now 0:18:15.200 --> 0:18:17.800 is the time I have to deliver that grade A. 0:18:18.520 --> 0:18:19.680 You know what I'm saying, because I'm not going to 0:18:19.720 --> 0:18:23.960 be the clown in her friends group chats that chat 0:18:24.160 --> 0:18:27.960 bro jet. That type of sex is the sex that 0:18:28.119 --> 0:18:30.600 be missing when you get married, when you're and I 0:18:30.680 --> 0:18:34.520 think we just having this discussion really like brought it 0:18:34.560 --> 0:18:38.000 to a point. It's the performance because you perform now. 0:18:38.480 --> 0:18:42.720 Absolutely man, you thought can say stayed on stage after tour, 0:18:42.800 --> 0:18:43.800 baby we brought her home. 0:18:44.240 --> 0:18:46.359 Okay, ladies, this is this is a this is a 0:18:46.440 --> 0:18:49.960 married man talking right. And we had this conversation too. Like, 0:18:50.440 --> 0:18:52.280 I feel like a lot of the world is lost 0:18:52.359 --> 0:18:55.640 because single people listen to single people of the opposite 0:18:55.680 --> 0:18:58.280 sex and say, well, this is what they want. 0:18:58.760 --> 0:19:01.640 Yeah, that guy single, he's telling you what he wants. 0:19:01.720 --> 0:19:02.160 He's single. 0:19:02.200 --> 0:19:03.720 He don't know what he wants, because if he wanted 0:19:03.760 --> 0:19:05.280 to be with somebody, he would have found it and 0:19:05.359 --> 0:19:08.240 found that person. So you're listening to single people, listen 0:19:08.320 --> 0:19:11.440 to married people tell you how they keep the flames. 0:19:12.200 --> 0:19:15.280 As a man, I'm telling you when you perform right, 0:19:15.880 --> 0:19:18.440 that shit keeps me excited when you when I know 0:19:18.600 --> 0:19:21.320 that this ain't about the cuddles and when this is 0:19:21.359 --> 0:19:23.040 about oh, she really wants to show me that she 0:19:23.200 --> 0:19:27.879 the baddest one. When it's the sex that part of me, Ladies, 0:19:28.480 --> 0:19:31.040 it's the sex that your side chick give you when 0:19:31.040 --> 0:19:32.960 she's trying to prove she's trying to be the main ship. 0:19:33.480 --> 0:19:35.840 Don't you hear this all the time, and you say 0:19:35.880 --> 0:19:38.280 this all the time. The best position for a woman 0:19:38.359 --> 0:19:40.840 to be heard that is the side chick position, because 0:19:40.880 --> 0:19:42.680 that's the woman that wants to constantly prove. 0:19:42.720 --> 0:19:45.320 That's also that the person that most of most men 0:19:45.400 --> 0:19:47.240 I've heard, at least I don't know, go to for 0:19:47.480 --> 0:19:50.280 some sort of escapism, right, you know why because you 0:19:50.480 --> 0:19:51.840 only come with one. 0:19:51.800 --> 0:19:54.159 Thing, and she's coming to do what perform? 0:19:55.000 --> 0:19:59.760 Perform for me it's like wife perform Because as a husband, 0:20:00.280 --> 0:20:02.920 I put that pressure on myself to perform. I don't 0:20:02.960 --> 0:20:05.040 ever want. I don't ever want in our marriage ever. 0:20:05.040 --> 0:20:07.080 I don't care how old we are. You look at 0:20:07.119 --> 0:20:10.399 me and be like, Okay, that's it. Like you forgot 0:20:10.440 --> 0:20:12.399 about me, Like you didn't you didn't want to make 0:20:12.400 --> 0:20:13.560 sure that I got mine. 0:20:13.960 --> 0:20:15.720 I don't think I could. I could honestly say, I 0:20:15.720 --> 0:20:18.359 don't think that was ever a case. 0:20:18.520 --> 0:20:20.720 You know why, because my friends in my group chat. 0:20:20.800 --> 0:20:24.320 We be on each other, like keep your health up. 0:20:24.480 --> 0:20:25.880 Like a lot of us we work out and stuff, 0:20:25.920 --> 0:20:27.440 but we keep our bodies on point because we want 0:20:27.480 --> 0:20:30.040 our wives to look at us in that way. Where Yo, 0:20:30.119 --> 0:20:31.960 if your wife ain't looking at you like that, trust me, 0:20:32.080 --> 0:20:34.640 she looking at somebody like that. You know what I'm saying. 0:20:34.760 --> 0:20:37.359 So imagine you lose yourself in the looks department as 0:20:37.400 --> 0:20:41.240 a man. Right so now, stomach getting big, your hair 0:20:41.359 --> 0:20:44.440 falling out. You can't perform as much as you did 0:20:44.520 --> 0:20:46.760 before because you don't care to try because you already 0:20:46.840 --> 0:20:50.199 got her. Then you're gonna be mad if she steps out. Nah, bro, 0:20:50.359 --> 0:20:51.080 that's your fault. 0:20:51.920 --> 0:20:52.879 That is like, you have a. 0:20:52.880 --> 0:20:55.920 Responsibility as a man to make sure that your wife 0:20:56.000 --> 0:20:58.680 knows Like I'm coming home to deliver grade A. 0:20:59.640 --> 0:21:01.120 I don't how many kids we got. 0:21:02.359 --> 0:21:04.480 I completely get it, and I love that that's happening 0:21:04.520 --> 0:21:06.360 in your group chat because I've actually been the one 0:21:06.400 --> 0:21:09.280 to shift the dialogue in some of my group chats 0:21:09.400 --> 0:21:11.480 or even just in one on one conversations with women 0:21:11.560 --> 0:21:13.720 who I know who are friends that are still married, 0:21:14.119 --> 0:21:16.239 and a lot of time, the narrative is us as 0:21:16.359 --> 0:21:19.719 women getting together and communing over how tired we are, 0:21:20.280 --> 0:21:22.480 how much we have on our plate, all the things 0:21:22.520 --> 0:21:24.200 that we have to do, which is very accurate and 0:21:24.280 --> 0:21:26.639 it's very I see them, and I see because I 0:21:26.720 --> 0:21:28.680 know I'm living that, like there's a thousand things to 0:21:28.760 --> 0:21:30.720 be done on a toy day basis as a wife 0:21:30.760 --> 0:21:33.200 and mom. But I'm also the one now to introduce 0:21:33.320 --> 0:21:36.520 into those group chats and those discussions. But doesn't your 0:21:36.600 --> 0:21:39.840 husband deserve to have his wife? And I'm trying to 0:21:39.960 --> 0:21:43.000 change the narrative because I feel like, I feel like 0:21:43.080 --> 0:21:46.760 it's necessary for us as women to be honest, to 0:21:46.960 --> 0:21:50.600 finally be honest as wives and as moms about what 0:21:50.760 --> 0:21:54.879 it requires for us to sustain these marriages healthily with 0:21:55.080 --> 0:21:58.480 our spouses. So the conversations have become now. 0:21:58.720 --> 0:22:01.159 Wait, wait, just because you to go to have his 0:22:01.359 --> 0:22:03.120 wife in what way. 0:22:03.640 --> 0:22:06.320 The way he wants to have his wife, or the 0:22:06.400 --> 0:22:08.880 way you feel your husband deserves to be treated based 0:22:08.920 --> 0:22:11.000 off of the life that he's able to provide for you. 0:22:11.760 --> 0:22:15.000 Like I recently became friends with someone that I met 0:22:15.040 --> 0:22:17.879 through another friend, and she's so refreshing to me. That's 0:22:17.880 --> 0:22:21.440 why I don't subscribe to the whole no new friends thing. Yeah, 0:22:21.480 --> 0:22:24.600 because at this point in life, I'm meeting people who 0:22:24.800 --> 0:22:26.760 are aligning with a lot of the things that I 0:22:26.960 --> 0:22:30.480 have become. And I love conversations with her because we 0:22:30.720 --> 0:22:35.480 talk about how amazing our husbands are, how much they're 0:22:35.520 --> 0:22:37.720 doing for us, how much we want to go the 0:22:37.840 --> 0:22:40.960 extra miles, exchanging tips and tricks about like oh this 0:22:41.119 --> 0:22:43.000 worked for me, or I took him on a staycation 0:22:43.200 --> 0:22:45.320 or I had him do that. Like they're just little 0:22:45.400 --> 0:22:48.720 things that we feel like are required. So it's changing 0:22:48.800 --> 0:22:51.320 the narrative within those women group chats and within those 0:22:51.480 --> 0:22:54.760 married women forums where we're not just complaining about all 0:22:54.840 --> 0:22:56.760 the things that we have on our plate, but just 0:22:56.880 --> 0:22:59.760 really saying, how can we refocus husband, how can we 0:23:00.119 --> 0:23:04.320 focus marriage and intimacy and what our husbands require based 0:23:04.320 --> 0:23:06.600 off of the life that we've provided for each other. 0:23:07.080 --> 0:23:09.000 You know, it's important to have those conversations, and I 0:23:09.040 --> 0:23:11.359 think women tend to glaze over that it is important. 0:23:11.520 --> 0:23:14.080 I'm glad you kind of brought that up because when 0:23:14.080 --> 0:23:14.480 we did the. 0:23:16.160 --> 0:23:19.160 Podcast with Nice and Neat Okay, yes, and we talked 0:23:19.200 --> 0:23:22.119 about making a choice, and then them all three of 0:23:22.160 --> 0:23:26.560 those brothers, Jalan, Omar, and Duke, all married black women 0:23:26.640 --> 0:23:29.880 as well, all in shape, all make really good money, 0:23:29.960 --> 0:23:31.639 but all decided that they weren't going to do the 0:23:31.720 --> 0:23:34.920 same thing that other podcasts where young men did, was 0:23:35.040 --> 0:23:37.359 create a battle of the sexist and talk. 0:23:37.240 --> 0:23:39.240 About the things that women weren't doing. 0:23:39.720 --> 0:23:42.560 They decided to talk about what they can do as 0:23:42.720 --> 0:23:45.360 men to show up for each other, to be better spouses. 0:23:46.200 --> 0:23:47.919 And that's why when you put me on to them, 0:23:47.960 --> 0:23:49.520 I was like, damn, Like this is really a different 0:23:49.560 --> 0:23:51.719 perspective because now these are young men that I can 0:23:51.760 --> 0:23:54.119 talk to as well and be like, wait, that worked 0:23:54.160 --> 0:23:57.360 for you. What for example with Omar right and him 0:23:57.440 --> 0:24:00.600 changing his whole diet and this whole lifestyle right to 0:24:00.720 --> 0:24:03.119 be part of Kansas to be what Candace needs. And 0:24:03.280 --> 0:24:06.360 now they had their child, they getting their sex life 0:24:06.400 --> 0:24:08.480 back in order. It's like, those are things that I 0:24:08.560 --> 0:24:10.439 think we as a society need more. 0:24:12.720 --> 0:24:15.320 Enough of the blame game and enough of the salacious 0:24:15.480 --> 0:24:18.280 you know clips where podcasts are just pinning us against 0:24:18.320 --> 0:24:21.160 each other. Like, no, I think we have a responsibility 0:24:21.800 --> 0:24:24.000 as wives, for example, and I'll speak on our behalfs 0:24:24.040 --> 0:24:26.600 because we speak a lot about couples and relationships stuff. 0:24:26.960 --> 0:24:29.399 But I think at some point us women need to 0:24:29.480 --> 0:24:31.720 stand up and say, you know what, these are the 0:24:31.800 --> 0:24:33.680 things that we need to change. These are the things 0:24:33.720 --> 0:24:35.280 that we can tap into a little bit more. And 0:24:35.440 --> 0:24:38.480 I discover that when I really had the conversation with you, 0:24:38.600 --> 0:24:40.920 and you were like, why do I always have to 0:24:41.000 --> 0:24:42.639 be the last one on the total pole? Why do 0:24:42.760 --> 0:24:44.960 I always have to be the one to understand where 0:24:45.000 --> 0:24:47.359 you're coming from or just understand that you have all 0:24:47.440 --> 0:24:50.240 these things to get done. At what point can I 0:24:51.119 --> 0:24:53.600 raise my level on that list of things that you 0:24:53.680 --> 0:24:55.560 have where I am more of the priority, even if 0:24:55.600 --> 0:24:57.440 it's for a day or two out of the week, 0:24:57.720 --> 0:24:59.760 if it's for an hour out of the week, we 0:25:00.440 --> 0:25:03.200 prioritize and make time for the things that are important. 0:25:03.720 --> 0:25:05.920 And I've been taken for granted for a long time 0:25:06.680 --> 0:25:09.359 you and the things that you require. So these are 0:25:09.400 --> 0:25:11.720 the conversations that I want to have now with women 0:25:11.880 --> 0:25:14.520 in those forum of women who are married or aspire 0:25:14.560 --> 0:25:16.840 to marriage, to say, you know what, no, you need 0:25:16.960 --> 0:25:19.520 to figure out a way to make sure that your 0:25:19.600 --> 0:25:21.480 husband is taken care of. I thin, because that's what 0:25:21.560 --> 0:25:22.080 he requires. 0:25:22.160 --> 0:25:24.320 I think that's dope because in the past casual sex 0:25:24.560 --> 0:25:26.520 spoken about in marriages where a woman just says, you know, 0:25:26.560 --> 0:25:27.320 let's go have sex. 0:25:27.720 --> 0:25:28.920 All your hear is I don't got time for it. 0:25:29.000 --> 0:25:30.040 I got so many other things to do. 0:25:30.440 --> 0:25:31.760 I want I'm going to move for it, which is 0:25:31.960 --> 0:25:34.399 very valid too, because I've been there. I've been that 0:25:34.520 --> 0:25:36.960 woman that's just like now, it's not the time I 0:25:37.080 --> 0:25:39.920 have a kid hanging off of my breast, I'm in 0:25:39.960 --> 0:25:41.680 the middle of cooking dinner, like I have all the 0:25:41.760 --> 0:25:45.080 things going on. But we really have to be mindful 0:25:45.200 --> 0:25:47.720 of taking the time to say, this is what he. 0:25:47.840 --> 0:25:51.080 Needs, and that's not just what he needs, what is 0:25:51.160 --> 0:25:54.399 he doing to help you be better to do that? 0:25:54.560 --> 0:25:56.560 For example, I know for a fact, if my wife 0:25:56.640 --> 0:25:58.000 is exhausted at the end of the day, she's not 0:25:58.040 --> 0:25:59.080 gonna want to have casual sex. 0:25:59.119 --> 0:26:00.800 She's gonna be tired. So you know what I do. 0:26:01.359 --> 0:26:03.240 I make sure I pick up the slack in other ways, 0:26:03.359 --> 0:26:05.440 or I get people to help around the house. That's 0:26:05.440 --> 0:26:07.560 a responsibility as a man you have to do if 0:26:07.600 --> 0:26:09.000 you want your wife to freak off. 0:26:09.520 --> 0:26:12.359 But also, I'm in the gym every single day. You 0:26:12.400 --> 0:26:15.000 know what I'm saying. It's bad enough you already tired. 0:26:15.200 --> 0:26:17.320 Right then you look at a dude that you like, 0:26:17.520 --> 0:26:21.240 you don't even look the way I saw you attractively, 0:26:21.760 --> 0:26:23.800 you know what I'm saying. And we put a lot 0:26:23.840 --> 0:26:27.720 of onus on women to maintain themselves, but we don't 0:26:27.760 --> 0:26:30.440 put the same on this on dudes. If you a dude, 0:26:30.480 --> 0:26:32.680 then you want to have casual sex with your wife 0:26:32.840 --> 0:26:37.520 right and in the the middle of the day or 0:26:37.560 --> 0:26:39.520 at the end of the night, how about you present 0:26:39.640 --> 0:26:41.360 something to her that makes her go, I can't wait 0:26:41.440 --> 0:26:42.080 till fuckentic. 0:26:42.880 --> 0:26:43.560 You know what I'm saying. 0:26:43.840 --> 0:26:46.640 Why why don't you change your diet to eat better? 0:26:46.960 --> 0:26:48.520 Why don't you make sure your six pack is a 0:26:48.520 --> 0:26:49.480 little more six pack? 0:26:49.720 --> 0:26:50.359 You know what I'm saying. 0:26:50.720 --> 0:26:52.640 And here's the thing, even if you're not a six 0:26:52.760 --> 0:26:55.000 packed type of dude. I got friends who played in 0:26:55.000 --> 0:26:57.720 the NFL. Who husky, You can still be husky, but 0:26:57.800 --> 0:26:59.840 get your line up lined up, make sure your beard. 0:27:00.200 --> 0:27:02.440 You know, being with some colone like, you don't have 0:27:02.600 --> 0:27:05.040 to just lose yourself in your marriage because you like, 0:27:05.080 --> 0:27:08.240 I already got my woman. Nah, bro, be the best 0:27:08.400 --> 0:27:10.639 version of yourself to her so that she sees you 0:27:10.760 --> 0:27:12.919 randomly and you want to grab that colum and be like, yo, 0:27:12.960 --> 0:27:13.440 what's going on. 0:27:13.760 --> 0:27:16.280 It's helpful. It's helpful when we're talking about the casual 0:27:16.359 --> 0:27:18.720 sex with the marriage. Same thing goes for women. I 0:27:18.840 --> 0:27:21.840 get it. I've been there, I've been postpartum, I've had 0:27:21.880 --> 0:27:24.159 all the kids and all that. But I made the 0:27:24.280 --> 0:27:26.680 effort and I made the choice to figure out how 0:27:26.800 --> 0:27:29.200 my body works. I'm learning my body. I made the 0:27:29.320 --> 0:27:34.040 necessary changes to be able to be who my husband 0:27:34.119 --> 0:27:37.159 met essentially. Yeah, and better. I feel like I'm a 0:27:37.240 --> 0:27:39.159 better version of that girl that you met when we 0:27:39.240 --> 0:27:40.800 were eighteen. Like, I'm a hold men. 0:27:40.920 --> 0:27:45.480 Now I've gained ten pounds with every child. You eighteen 0:27:45.560 --> 0:27:46.560 pounds on all men. 0:27:46.760 --> 0:27:47.679 Yeah, now you're. 0:27:47.600 --> 0:27:50.000 Closer to one sixty one. 0:27:50.440 --> 0:27:52.480 I fluctuate a bit, you know what I'm saying in 0:27:52.560 --> 0:27:55.480 the right places, But that's something that I'm interested in 0:27:55.600 --> 0:27:58.040 because when I look at my man and he's sexy, 0:27:58.080 --> 0:28:00.720 and I know I'm sexy for my man, it sparks 0:28:00.800 --> 0:28:03.320 something within me, that confidence where I'm just like, oh, 0:28:03.400 --> 0:28:05.879 I can be whoever he needs me to be in 0:28:05.960 --> 0:28:08.840 this casual sex moment within our marriage, you know, saying, 0:28:09.640 --> 0:28:11.399 all right, we have some quick facts and stats that 0:28:11.480 --> 0:28:14.080 we can get into. According to web ind twenty five 0:28:14.119 --> 0:28:17.720 percent of American adults have sex weekly, sixteen percent have 0:28:17.840 --> 0:28:20.920 sex two to three times a week, seventeen have sex 0:28:21.040 --> 0:28:24.280 once a month, nineteen percent have sex two to three 0:28:24.320 --> 0:28:27.720 times per month, five percent have sex four or five 0:28:28.800 --> 0:28:31.720 times per week. So we're within the five percent percent. Yeah, 0:28:32.040 --> 0:28:35.240 and ten percent didn't have sex in the past year. 0:28:35.400 --> 0:28:36.600 Oh, ten percent, apeak. 0:28:37.080 --> 0:28:40.840 That's crazy that some people just aren't doing it, doing 0:28:40.880 --> 0:28:41.640 it and doing it well. 0:28:41.720 --> 0:28:45.320 According to Tatistan twenty twenty one, people who were cohabitating 0:28:45.400 --> 0:28:48.520 and had sex the most frequently, with an average of 0:28:48.600 --> 0:28:51.600 one point six times per week. Married people had sex 0:28:51.680 --> 0:28:54.680 on average one point two times per week, while unpartnered 0:28:54.720 --> 0:28:56.880 people had sex and averages zero point three times a week. 0:28:56.960 --> 0:28:59.120 This is what's funny too. I'm glad we're talking about 0:28:59.120 --> 0:29:02.040 this why casual sex is so much better when you're single, 0:29:02.480 --> 0:29:05.000 you don't have sex. Is often when you don't have sex, 0:29:05.080 --> 0:29:07.280 is often that anticipation when you do have sex. Because 0:29:07.280 --> 0:29:09.400 when I speak to my single friends, true, and I'm 0:29:09.400 --> 0:29:11.240 talking to them and I'm like, these are dudes, handsome 0:29:11.280 --> 0:29:14.400 dudes with money who live in places that are flooded 0:29:14.440 --> 0:29:18.240 with women Miami, La, New York. And I'm just like, yo, 0:29:18.280 --> 0:29:20.680 how often do you have sex? And he's like, man, 0:29:20.680 --> 0:29:22.400 I'll just try to get I try to get one 0:29:22.440 --> 0:29:24.280 a week. You know, you're trying to. It's like it's 0:29:24.320 --> 0:29:25.880 like trying to play whack them more with some of 0:29:25.960 --> 0:29:28.120 these chicks, these young chicks you following. And I said, 0:29:28.120 --> 0:29:29.840 it's funny that you're laugh at me and talk about 0:29:29.880 --> 0:29:31.760 how as a married person we don't have sex, but 0:29:31.880 --> 0:29:33.800 I have sex four to five times a week, and 0:29:33.920 --> 0:29:35.480 you try to have it one time in a week. 0:29:36.320 --> 0:29:37.400 And that's what it made me like. 0:29:37.680 --> 0:29:39.240 And when they looked at me, it was like, wait 0:29:39.240 --> 0:29:41.080 a minute, y'all have sex that often? I said, yeah, 0:29:41.120 --> 0:29:42.800 he's like, I gotta get married. I said, see, that's 0:29:43.120 --> 0:29:45.880 that's the thing. You think that you're gonna get married, 0:29:45.880 --> 0:29:47.680 And that one girl is gonna provide you with all 0:29:47.720 --> 0:29:51.280 of that sex when before you are balancing five girls 0:29:51.400 --> 0:29:53.680 and only getting sex once a week. Then when you 0:29:53.800 --> 0:29:57.000 get married, you both get complacent, and then that sex 0:29:57.280 --> 0:29:59.480 becomes monotonous and then you don't even want. 0:29:59.320 --> 0:30:01.240 To have sex with each other each other. Yeah, because 0:30:01.280 --> 0:30:03.480 you came from a space, So it's importance. 0:30:03.720 --> 0:30:06.840 It isn't even which one's worse exactly. At least when 0:30:06.840 --> 0:30:09.000 you're married is with one person. Then you can trust 0:30:09.480 --> 0:30:11.240 that when you do have a session, that you can 0:30:11.480 --> 0:30:13.000 do all the things you want to do in your 0:30:13.560 --> 0:30:15.480 risk of like contracting something is. 0:30:15.560 --> 0:30:19.440 Like, but imagine how amazing the sex can be when 0:30:19.480 --> 0:30:22.840 you trust somebody, When you open and you're attracted, you 0:30:22.920 --> 0:30:25.400 don't have no iud in I have a vasectomy. Now 0:30:25.480 --> 0:30:27.640 we're both attracted to each other and we can have 0:30:27.800 --> 0:30:32.800 that raw animalistic sex and not have no consequences. And 0:30:32.880 --> 0:30:35.680 what I mean consequences is like, Okay, you can get pregnant, 0:30:35.760 --> 0:30:37.480 you can have an STD. There's so many things you 0:30:37.520 --> 0:30:39.960 can happen if you have sex with someone randomly. But 0:30:40.120 --> 0:30:44.240 that's an amazing feeling. And to me, that's why having 0:30:44.320 --> 0:30:47.440 casual sex within your marriage is important because it keeps 0:30:47.480 --> 0:30:50.680 your libido up right. And as it's keeping your libido 0:30:50.800 --> 0:30:53.920 up then we also have the intimate moments where Kadeen 0:30:54.040 --> 0:30:56.160 is just like, yo, can we just cuddle tonight? And 0:30:56.280 --> 0:30:59.080 can we We may just cuddle and roll into each 0:30:59.080 --> 0:31:01.680 other and have like a slow love making sessions. 0:31:01.360 --> 0:31:03.560 Which is good for You're also great for that moment too, 0:31:03.640 --> 0:31:04.560 you know exactly. 0:31:05.040 --> 0:31:07.160 The casual sex just keeps everything vibrant. 0:31:07.400 --> 0:31:09.440 You know what's funny. I used to look at the 0:31:10.080 --> 0:31:11.960 I don't want to say burden of our everyday life, 0:31:11.960 --> 0:31:13.640 because it's not a burden. It's a blessing to have 0:31:13.840 --> 0:31:16.200 our four boys and our businesses and all the things 0:31:16.240 --> 0:31:19.200 that we're doing. But in that where I used to 0:31:19.240 --> 0:31:21.520 look at it as a burden or something that impeded 0:31:21.640 --> 0:31:24.680 my sex drive or just even my desire to want 0:31:24.800 --> 0:31:27.080 to do anything when it came to that at the 0:31:27.160 --> 0:31:28.760 end of the night because I was just so exhausted. 0:31:29.280 --> 0:31:31.760 Now I look at it as Okay, we have all 0:31:31.840 --> 0:31:35.840 of these things. My escapism is you like to get 0:31:35.880 --> 0:31:38.959 away from the monotony of the truck and this one 0:31:39.080 --> 0:31:41.360 here and there, and you know, having to deal with 0:31:41.480 --> 0:31:44.000 emails and people and talking and texting and being social 0:31:44.040 --> 0:31:45.840 and my social battery just having to be on for 0:31:45.960 --> 0:31:49.320 the public. You are my escape where I feel like, okay, 0:31:49.400 --> 0:31:53.480 now I'm craving those moments more where I want to 0:31:53.600 --> 0:31:56.160 be with you and in that, like you said, sometimes 0:31:56.160 --> 0:31:59.840 it's just sitting in our bed, laying together, listen to 0:32:00.200 --> 0:32:02.080 R and B singing at the top of our love Yeah, 0:32:02.440 --> 0:32:05.240 that eventually becomes a love making session, or it could 0:32:05.320 --> 0:32:07.200 just not be that, or it could be the sexual, 0:32:07.600 --> 0:32:10.800 you know, sex portion of it, but the casual sex 0:32:10.840 --> 0:32:14.320 portion rather. But those moments for me now become a 0:32:14.480 --> 0:32:17.320 means of escapism from life, which I think is great. 0:32:17.720 --> 0:32:20.400 I mean it's great, but it's also a fact, a 0:32:20.520 --> 0:32:23.280 scientific fact, oh is it? In a study that asks 0:32:23.320 --> 0:32:25.920 married people how satisfied they were in their marriage, researchers 0:32:25.960 --> 0:32:30.480 found that as sexual satisfaction increased, marital satisfaction also increased, 0:32:30.720 --> 0:32:32.920 which is a proven factor. You can't say to people 0:32:33.320 --> 0:32:35.240 sex is not that important in a marriage, or it 0:32:35.280 --> 0:32:38.520 shouldn't be a priority. Sex should be a priority, especially 0:32:38.600 --> 0:32:42.080 if infidelity is a priority. If you don't want your 0:32:42.120 --> 0:32:44.000 partner to be with anybody else, how can you then 0:32:44.080 --> 0:32:46.600 say sex is not a priority. So I think more 0:32:46.680 --> 0:32:49.240 married people need to take heed to that and decide that, 0:32:49.320 --> 0:32:51.040 you know what, We're not going to let sex fall 0:32:51.120 --> 0:32:53.800 by the wayside because I got my partner. Yes, I 0:32:53.880 --> 0:32:57.360 am going to try to casually have sex with my 0:32:57.480 --> 0:32:59.920 partner to remind them the fun of sex. 0:33:00.040 --> 0:33:02.680 You know what I'm saying, Yes, because it can be fun, baby, 0:33:03.320 --> 0:33:05.400 and trust and believe. All Right, we're gonna take a 0:33:05.440 --> 0:33:07.800 quick break and we're gonna move into listen letters after 0:33:07.880 --> 0:33:10.520 we get into some ads, so stick around. We'll be 0:33:10.640 --> 0:33:20.840 right back, y'all. All right, y'all, we're back time for 0:33:20.960 --> 0:33:23.600 my favorite part of the show, listener letters, because this 0:33:23.680 --> 0:33:25.240 is when we get to hear from you guys and 0:33:25.320 --> 0:33:27.160 see what you got going on in your lives and 0:33:27.280 --> 0:33:31.040 we can give you our two cents. Hey guys, this 0:33:31.200 --> 0:33:33.880 is Sha Day writing from Cleveland. First, I would like 0:33:33.960 --> 0:33:36.120 to say I love you both. Kaddin, You're an inspiration 0:33:36.280 --> 0:33:38.600 to me and all husbands should be like you. Devo. 0:33:39.720 --> 0:33:46.280 Thank you relationship, real life relationship, girls and time. But 0:33:46.400 --> 0:33:48.960 it's so worth it. You guys have a beautiful family 0:33:49.000 --> 0:33:51.160 and I wish you all the best and many more blessings. 0:33:51.200 --> 0:33:54.400 Thank you, Shadday. I've been in a relationship for seven years, 0:33:54.440 --> 0:33:57.480 and my dilemma is he's a mama's boy. I'm thirty 0:33:57.520 --> 0:34:00.000 three years old and he will be thirty five in September. 0:34:00.600 --> 0:34:02.360 I love this man so much, and he checks all 0:34:02.400 --> 0:34:04.400 the boxes of what I want in a man. We 0:34:04.480 --> 0:34:08.360 get along great. We always have good time together. We 0:34:08.520 --> 0:34:12.200 have and enjoy the same interests, and the sex is great. 0:34:12.520 --> 0:34:14.880 Capital letters for exclamation points. 0:34:14.920 --> 0:34:15.200 Baby. 0:34:16.040 --> 0:34:20.520 His only and biggest downfall is him being a mama's boy. 0:34:21.080 --> 0:34:23.200 We do not live together. He lives at home with 0:34:23.320 --> 0:34:25.279 her and I live at home with my mother because 0:34:25.280 --> 0:34:27.640 I'm in the process of buying my first home. He 0:34:27.880 --> 0:34:31.080 is financially unable to buy a home because of circumstances. 0:34:31.480 --> 0:34:35.240 She's very manipulative and overbearing. She has purposely done things 0:34:35.320 --> 0:34:37.239 to keep him busy so that he doesn't have time 0:34:37.320 --> 0:34:39.799 for me, and has asked him to do things right 0:34:39.880 --> 0:34:43.160 before our plans for the evening. She's very controlling and 0:34:43.239 --> 0:34:46.320 wants to micromanage everything. I don't know if it's because 0:34:46.400 --> 0:34:49.520 he's the youngest of her three children, or because he 0:34:49.760 --> 0:34:53.080 had brain surgery, or because he had brain surgery, but 0:34:53.680 --> 0:34:55.759 he can seem to set boundaries when it comes to 0:34:55.840 --> 0:34:59.440 her he is a non confrontational person, and to avoid 0:34:59.640 --> 0:35:02.040 argument with her, he will do the things the way 0:35:02.120 --> 0:35:05.960 she wants to keep peace. We've gone out together and 0:35:06.080 --> 0:35:07.880 we speak to one another, but the mother and I 0:35:08.400 --> 0:35:11.440 won't have any conversation. She has told people she doesn't 0:35:11.560 --> 0:35:15.320 like me, but never gives a valid reason. It's frustrating 0:35:15.360 --> 0:35:19.839 because I always feel like it's frustrating because I always 0:35:19.840 --> 0:35:22.399 feel like I'm finding an invisible battle of tugo war 0:35:22.520 --> 0:35:25.520 with her. She treats him as if he is her 0:35:25.640 --> 0:35:28.480 man and not her son. She won't seem to cut 0:35:28.520 --> 0:35:31.000 the umbilical cord and let him be a fully grown 0:35:31.080 --> 0:35:34.359 man without always adding her two cents. From my point 0:35:34.400 --> 0:35:36.560 of view, it doesn't seem like he's doing enough to 0:35:36.600 --> 0:35:38.759 put her in her place. He says, once we move 0:35:38.840 --> 0:35:41.239 in together, things will be different, But I don't see 0:35:41.280 --> 0:35:43.359 how if he can't take the steps now to make 0:35:43.400 --> 0:35:46.040 a change. I know he has, I know he has 0:35:46.120 --> 0:35:48.400 to change the dynamic of the situation. But when he 0:35:48.520 --> 0:35:51.040 does speak up against her, she uses a guilt trip 0:35:51.400 --> 0:35:54.000 and is back to the same old vicious cycle. Should 0:35:54.000 --> 0:35:56.400 I leave him to his mother or hold on? Please 0:35:56.440 --> 0:35:59.080 give me some advice in this common situation. Thank you 0:35:59.400 --> 0:36:03.160 love you guys, man. I never want to be that mom. 0:36:04.800 --> 0:36:06.759 I pray I never want to be that. As much 0:36:06.760 --> 0:36:09.160 as my boys love me, I never want. I would 0:36:09.200 --> 0:36:11.320 never let you that mom, I would never let you 0:36:11.400 --> 0:36:13.080 be there. I would never want to impede their life 0:36:13.120 --> 0:36:13.440 that way. 0:36:13.680 --> 0:36:15.240 I would never I want them. 0:36:15.120 --> 0:36:17.200 To be there for me and want to be around me, 0:36:17.280 --> 0:36:19.560 but never to a detriment of their own life. 0:36:19.719 --> 0:36:23.839 I will say this though, she's a single mom, right 0:36:23.960 --> 0:36:25.160 she said, yeah, she's a single mom. 0:36:25.200 --> 0:36:25.960 He lives with his mom. 0:36:26.040 --> 0:36:26.759 Yes, okay, yes. 0:36:27.280 --> 0:36:29.520 I've also seen this where there have been women who 0:36:29.840 --> 0:36:33.240 have their last child or that child that's been like theirs, 0:36:34.000 --> 0:36:36.440 and it's like, once this child goes, who do I have? Right? 0:36:36.719 --> 0:36:41.320 So subconsciously they do things to try to sabotage or 0:36:41.400 --> 0:36:44.560 promo the factors. But I've also seen women who says 0:36:44.600 --> 0:36:46.640 that a guy is a mama's boy, and it's not 0:36:46.760 --> 0:36:49.320 that he's a mama's boy, he just won't do everything 0:36:49.480 --> 0:36:52.160 you want him to do. And since his mom still 0:36:52.239 --> 0:36:54.279 tells him like yo, like that's not your wife yet, 0:36:54.400 --> 0:36:57.239 like right now, it's he's a mama's boy. The truth 0:36:57.320 --> 0:37:00.560 of the matter is I can't really give them full 0:37:00.800 --> 0:37:02.680 I can't get for a full advice without hearing his 0:37:02.840 --> 0:37:06.399 side and the mom's side, right, because I want to understand. 0:37:06.680 --> 0:37:08.080 Is he really a mama's boy? 0:37:08.480 --> 0:37:10.920 You know what I'm saying, His mom's really tripping, right, 0:37:11.239 --> 0:37:11.400 you know? 0:37:11.640 --> 0:37:12.640 Is mom being overbearing? 0:37:12.800 --> 0:37:14.680 I mean, because the setup is that it's a set 0:37:14.800 --> 0:37:18.640 up for Mom is probably a little you know, overbearing 0:37:18.760 --> 0:37:20.839 because it's her last like you think about the last 0:37:20.920 --> 0:37:23.040 baby to leave the house, So when he leaves the house, 0:37:23.200 --> 0:37:26.640 then what happens? You know? Also, mom's having a very 0:37:26.719 --> 0:37:29.040 high standard for who they think their son should be 0:37:29.200 --> 0:37:32.120 with or who is deserving of their son, who is 0:37:32.200 --> 0:37:34.800 probably like their crown jewel. You know. It could be 0:37:34.960 --> 0:37:37.759 that her whole life she had to be his mouthpiece 0:37:37.840 --> 0:37:40.000 and be overprotective of him because he had to have 0:37:40.120 --> 0:37:42.279 brain surgery as a kid. So there are a lot 0:37:42.320 --> 0:37:44.480 of factors in here that Mom might be warranted for 0:37:44.560 --> 0:37:46.680 how she feels. But at the same time, too, I 0:37:46.680 --> 0:37:48.520 think the only person that really can have a handle 0:37:48.600 --> 0:37:50.640 on this if it comes down to, like, you know, 0:37:50.960 --> 0:37:54.239 knowing there needs to be a mediation session, maybe it 0:37:54.280 --> 0:37:56.000 would be him. He has to step up and be 0:37:56.160 --> 0:37:59.319 like Okay, mom, this is what it is. Maybe when 0:37:59.320 --> 0:38:01.839 they are living together to be a little different. They've 0:38:01.840 --> 0:38:04.360 been together some more privacy. 0:38:04.920 --> 0:38:07.680 They've been together seven years, this is this is one 0:38:07.719 --> 0:38:11.680 thing I will sell and I will say, after I 0:38:11.760 --> 0:38:13.200 read that up to see how long they were together, 0:38:13.320 --> 0:38:17.240 I will retract a certain statement. You've been with somebody 0:38:17.320 --> 0:38:20.879 for seven years and you your mom and her don't talk. 0:38:21.360 --> 0:38:23.759 That's a you problem, bro. I can't put that on 0:38:23.840 --> 0:38:26.800 either one of the women. At some point you have 0:38:26.920 --> 0:38:30.440 to say, look, look, ma, this is my girlfriend. You 0:38:30.640 --> 0:38:33.160 have to have a relationship with her. Because if we're 0:38:33.160 --> 0:38:35.520 going back to biblical times, the Biblical the Bible says 0:38:35.560 --> 0:38:37.000 once you find a wife, you find a good thing, 0:38:37.040 --> 0:38:39.360 and then your wife and you create your family. You 0:38:39.480 --> 0:38:41.840 are no longer a part of your nuclear family. So 0:38:41.960 --> 0:38:44.000 if that's going to be the thing, you have to 0:38:44.080 --> 0:38:47.440 be able to be the person in between your wife 0:38:47.960 --> 0:38:50.279 and your mom as the man you have to be. 0:38:50.400 --> 0:38:51.840 You can't just say. 0:38:52.200 --> 0:38:54.600 Figure that out, that's not how that works. Yeah yeah, 0:38:54.680 --> 0:38:56.080 and he needs to stand up, bro. 0:38:56.440 --> 0:39:01.080 Yeah, but that's he wants to make her his wife. 0:39:01.440 --> 0:39:04.279 I mean, they've been together seven years, she's purchasing the house, 0:39:04.600 --> 0:39:06.440 she didn't say that he was purchasing the house. She 0:39:06.480 --> 0:39:09.239 said because of circumstances. So my thing is does he 0:39:09.440 --> 0:39:12.399 feel I hold it to his mom because he still 0:39:12.440 --> 0:39:14.200 lives at the house. You know, these are things that 0:39:14.280 --> 0:39:16.920 she has to start looking at because she's thirty three. 0:39:17.719 --> 0:39:20.319 She's not getting any younger. You know what I'm saying? 0:39:20.600 --> 0:39:23.640 Seven years and years, you know what you've been invested here. 0:39:23.840 --> 0:39:25.520 It's kind of like the same time frame we were together. 0:39:25.560 --> 0:39:26.640 Before I was like, all right, what are we going 0:39:26.719 --> 0:39:29.040 to do? We're gonna be together. We didn't have mother, 0:39:29.239 --> 0:39:29.520 but at. 0:39:29.480 --> 0:39:31.760 Seven years we were twenty six. I had mother issues 0:39:32.520 --> 0:39:35.520 mama with your mom. But even with that, though you 0:39:35.640 --> 0:39:38.160 would have won. It was like your mom like, what 0:39:38.400 --> 0:39:41.120 this this thing that's going on? I have you being 0:39:41.280 --> 0:39:44.359 rude and you not speaking, and your mom was trying 0:39:44.400 --> 0:39:46.279 to hold her standard. Nobody was going to be good 0:39:46.360 --> 0:39:49.160 enough for her daughter, which I understand now and looking 0:39:49.200 --> 0:39:51.600 at us now, we met at eighteen, we were twenty 0:39:51.640 --> 0:39:54.080 two and acting like we was grown. We weren't grown right, 0:39:54.320 --> 0:39:57.920 So your mom had every every right to be defensive 0:39:58.000 --> 0:40:00.520 and make sure she was protecting her daughter. But you 0:40:00.680 --> 0:40:02.640 are the one who got up and said mom, this 0:40:02.840 --> 0:40:04.279 is not this is who I want to be with. 0:40:05.160 --> 0:40:06.440 You know what I'm saying the same way if it 0:40:06.560 --> 0:40:08.439 was my parents, I would have had to be the one. 0:40:08.520 --> 0:40:10.719 So he got to step up at some especially if 0:40:10.760 --> 0:40:13.200 she's writing in she clearly feels a way about it. 0:40:13.800 --> 0:40:15.120 If this is the woman you want to spend the 0:40:15.120 --> 0:40:17.320 rest of your life with, my dude, you got to 0:40:17.360 --> 0:40:18.600 stand up and be like your mom. 0:40:18.880 --> 0:40:20.960 Yeah, you know it is, mom, This is what it is. 0:40:21.080 --> 0:40:22.360 Is what it is, This is what it is. 0:40:23.320 --> 0:40:25.600 All right. Good luck to you guys as you venture off. 0:40:25.640 --> 0:40:27.279 I hope that good luck with the house hunt and 0:40:27.280 --> 0:40:29.440 all that good stuff. And hopefully you guys can figure 0:40:29.440 --> 0:40:30.960 out a way to get it together if it's meant 0:40:31.000 --> 0:40:31.640 to be, and. 0:40:31.680 --> 0:40:34.400 I think that will change things then moving in together. 0:40:34.480 --> 0:40:36.040 But then they can also create a strain where the 0:40:36.120 --> 0:40:38.600 mom is always calling him back, come kind of. 0:40:38.600 --> 0:40:41.520 Need you to do this and we've read that before. Absolutely, 0:40:41.800 --> 0:40:42.800 And then you know they'll find it. 0:40:42.800 --> 0:40:44.520 If he doesn't nip it in the butt, it's always 0:40:44.520 --> 0:40:46.120 gonna be a problem whether they find a house or not. 0:40:46.480 --> 0:40:50.680 Right Number two, Hey, the Valen Kadeen, I truly need 0:40:50.760 --> 0:40:52.960 some advice, So I'm going to try to provide as 0:40:53.040 --> 0:40:55.560 much context as possible. Let me first say, I love 0:40:55.600 --> 0:40:57.520 your show. I've been listening to you guys for a minute. 0:40:57.600 --> 0:40:59.719 Now now to the matter at hand. 0:40:59.760 --> 0:41:02.120 Thank you. Thank you so much for following us and listening. 0:41:02.160 --> 0:41:03.240 We appreciate your support. 0:41:04.000 --> 0:41:06.759 I thirty year old male, and my fiancee, twenty eight 0:41:06.840 --> 0:41:09.560 year old female, have recently ended our relationship for three years. 0:41:09.920 --> 0:41:12.279 Our last conversation of trying to figure out what went wrong, 0:41:12.600 --> 0:41:15.200 my fiance mentioned that I had everything that I needed 0:41:15.320 --> 0:41:19.000 in her. However, I didn't have the things that However, 0:41:19.239 --> 0:41:21.840 I didn't have the things that I wanted. Some background, 0:41:22.440 --> 0:41:26.040 and I'll ever and I ever wanted all I ever wanted, 0:41:26.160 --> 0:41:28.279 some background, All I ever wanted was to be a 0:41:28.320 --> 0:41:29.560 good husband and a good father. 0:41:29.680 --> 0:41:31.799 It's good to hear she mentioned that I had all 0:41:32.239 --> 0:41:35.360 I needed that being her. That being her and her 0:41:35.440 --> 0:41:37.960 two kids isn't me. 0:41:38.040 --> 0:41:40.839 It's the comments she know. She mentioned that I had 0:41:40.880 --> 0:41:41.680 all I needed that. 0:41:41.840 --> 0:41:44.680 Being her two kids, I got you things made. 0:41:45.080 --> 0:41:47.839 Don't read like these young kids now. We actually used 0:41:47.840 --> 0:41:49.040 punctuation still. 0:41:49.160 --> 0:41:51.799 So she's saying he had all he needed earned her 0:41:51.840 --> 0:41:54.360 two kids, rightfully, So I had everything I needed in 0:41:54.440 --> 0:41:56.960 them in my family. What I felt that I always 0:41:57.200 --> 0:41:59.960 still wanted, though, were the titles, the title of husband, 0:42:00.120 --> 0:42:02.399 the title of father. I would follow up by saying 0:42:02.440 --> 0:42:04.360 that I never looked for her kids to call me 0:42:04.480 --> 0:42:07.960 father slash dad. I never wanted to replace their biological father. 0:42:08.280 --> 0:42:10.319 I only wanted to just be there for those kids, 0:42:10.360 --> 0:42:12.319 because I do love them like their my very own. 0:42:12.760 --> 0:42:15.040 What I was searching for was that acknowledgment from my 0:42:15.120 --> 0:42:18.640 significant other. Nevertheless, she was still right. I had everything 0:42:18.680 --> 0:42:21.800 I needed. My question for you, guys, are titles really important? 0:42:22.080 --> 0:42:24.759 Or was I just losing sight of my eighty while 0:42:24.800 --> 0:42:27.480 worrying about the other twenty. I proposed to her two 0:42:27.600 --> 0:42:30.400 years ago, but we agreed that we would get married 0:42:30.440 --> 0:42:33.200 after I got my finances together, and for the time 0:42:33.280 --> 0:42:35.759 being I was. For the time being, I was doing, 0:42:36.239 --> 0:42:39.279 in my opinion, much better with finances and budgeting than 0:42:39.320 --> 0:42:42.239 I was not. Then we moved into our new home 0:42:42.360 --> 0:42:44.759 last year. This is what happens, only for it to 0:42:44.880 --> 0:42:47.640 not feel like home. Our differences in perspective just started 0:42:47.680 --> 0:42:50.960 constantly clashing with one another. I feel like what it 0:42:51.080 --> 0:42:53.279 came down to was that I felt like I wasn't 0:42:53.360 --> 0:42:56.040 being heard in our household as a partner. She felt 0:42:56.080 --> 0:42:59.680 that I lacked initiative. Several small problems led to big 0:42:59.719 --> 0:43:02.960 problem that led us here today. Any advice ps. After 0:43:03.040 --> 0:43:05.000 listening to an episode of Dead Ass, I realized that 0:43:05.080 --> 0:43:07.799 I too have mother issues that I need to process. Well, 0:43:07.840 --> 0:43:09.879 there you go and heal from That's what it sounds 0:43:09.960 --> 0:43:12.600 like to me. He wants the titles and the affirmation 0:43:12.880 --> 0:43:15.480 from her because he wants that from his mom. That 0:43:16.120 --> 0:43:17.920 was when she was saying. When he kept saying, I 0:43:18.000 --> 0:43:19.839 want the titles and I wanted it from her, That's 0:43:19.880 --> 0:43:24.239 what it sounded like to me. I feel like hearing 0:43:24.280 --> 0:43:26.520 Deval tell his experience of dealing with that truly helped 0:43:26.560 --> 0:43:28.840 me to begin to understand that I may be dealing 0:43:28.880 --> 0:43:30.600 with the same issues I am in the process of 0:43:30.640 --> 0:43:32.840 seeking someone to speak to in order to begin this 0:43:32.960 --> 0:43:35.239 healing journey. Thank you, guys for all the support you 0:43:35.320 --> 0:43:36.240 give to your listeners. 0:43:36.600 --> 0:43:38.640 That's awesome. That is awesome that you are like so 0:43:38.760 --> 0:43:40.800 self aware to know like, Okay, yeah, I have some 0:43:40.920 --> 0:43:42.840 issues here and I need to go on the healing journey. 0:43:43.560 --> 0:43:45.760 So just because it was a little spotty in the beginning, 0:43:46.320 --> 0:43:47.480 you get sorry if you want to I just want 0:43:47.520 --> 0:43:50.800 to reread one portion of it. Our last conversation of 0:43:50.840 --> 0:43:52.960 trying to figure out what went wrong. My fiance mentioned 0:43:53.000 --> 0:43:55.120 that I had everything I needed in her, However I 0:43:55.200 --> 0:43:59.920 didn't have the things I wanted. So essentially, what he 0:44:00.120 --> 0:44:04.600 saying is that he wants the title. He wanted to 0:44:04.640 --> 0:44:06.719 get married, to have the title of husband and. 0:44:06.800 --> 0:44:09.040 Father right, And what she was saying is is like, 0:44:09.120 --> 0:44:11.480 we're not in a good place financially to get married, 0:44:12.239 --> 0:44:16.000 so focus on that. And he feels like he's I'm focused, 0:44:16.000 --> 0:44:17.719 I'm doing better, I'm doing better, and she's like, no, 0:44:17.880 --> 0:44:21.359 you're not ready yet, and he feels like he keep 0:44:21.440 --> 0:44:24.680 jumping through hoops and he never gets the affirmation from 0:44:24.800 --> 0:44:27.680 his wife or girlfriend soon to be wife that he wants. 0:44:27.920 --> 0:44:28.120 Wow. 0:44:28.719 --> 0:44:30.160 And I think there's two things to this. 0:44:30.400 --> 0:44:34.040 Number one, looking for someone to affirm you is always 0:44:34.080 --> 0:44:38.160 a setup for failure because, like he said, that affirmation 0:44:38.239 --> 0:44:40.440 that you're seeking is not really what you're truly seeking. 0:44:40.640 --> 0:44:42.640 You have issues with your own issues, and you have 0:44:42.680 --> 0:44:44.640 those issues and you want your mom to affirm you. 0:44:44.760 --> 0:44:46.600 But now you're looking for someone else. What's going to 0:44:46.680 --> 0:44:49.120 happen is she's going to affirm him, and it's not 0:44:49.200 --> 0:44:51.040 going to change the way he feels, and it's going 0:44:51.080 --> 0:44:51.680 to be something else. 0:44:52.120 --> 0:44:54.279 Say that void feeling is going to become kind of 0:44:54.400 --> 0:44:56.560 obsolete at that point because it's like you're not going 0:44:56.640 --> 0:44:58.600 to really get to the root of the issue, which 0:44:58.719 --> 0:45:01.040 is probably, like he says, and I'm glad that you 0:45:01.080 --> 0:45:04.040 acknowledge it. It's your mom or whatever that lack of 0:45:04.480 --> 0:45:06.360 you know, relationship you have with her or what she 0:45:06.400 --> 0:45:09.440 didn't pour into you, that you're seeking validation within your relationship, 0:45:09.640 --> 0:45:11.600 And it could be your fiance seeing that also in 0:45:11.680 --> 0:45:14.160 you and saying, I know that there's something deeply rooty 0:45:14.200 --> 0:45:17.719 here that needs to be handled or addressed before we 0:45:17.800 --> 0:45:20.800 take that step to become a married couple, you know. 0:45:21.239 --> 0:45:23.560 And also too, when you move in together and you become, 0:45:23.960 --> 0:45:27.759 you know, one within a household, that doesn't necessarily either 0:45:27.880 --> 0:45:29.560 make it a home when the heart of the home 0:45:29.680 --> 0:45:33.759 is absent because they are underlying issues, then it's only 0:45:33.880 --> 0:45:35.200 just going to be a house. 0:45:35.480 --> 0:45:40.799 Also, there is very hard to blend a family, right, 0:45:41.320 --> 0:45:46.080 especially if the other members outside the family are still involved. 0:45:46.160 --> 0:45:49.200 For example, you meet a woman, she's beautiful, she has everything, 0:45:49.239 --> 0:45:52.640 she has a child, right, that child has a father, right, Oh, 0:45:52.719 --> 0:45:54.680 I love the child. Yeah, but that child has a father, 0:45:55.000 --> 0:45:58.319 so you can't be that child's father you. He opened 0:45:58.400 --> 0:45:59.880 up saying, I always wanted to be a dad and 0:46:00.040 --> 0:46:00.520 a husband. 0:46:00.680 --> 0:46:00.919 Cool. 0:46:01.040 --> 0:46:02.960 You wanted a wife and you wanted kids, but you 0:46:03.040 --> 0:46:06.160 found somebody with kids, so you want to assume or 0:46:06.400 --> 0:46:07.960 you want to take on the role of being a 0:46:08.080 --> 0:46:09.399 father figure to them kids. 0:46:09.960 --> 0:46:12.160 Them kids is like I already got a dad. Bro Like, 0:46:12.280 --> 0:46:14.359 I'm not here for you. I'm here with my mom. 0:46:14.920 --> 0:46:18.080 And I think it's difficult for people sometimes to compartmentalize, 0:46:18.160 --> 0:46:21.520 especially when it comes time to kids. Come down to kids, 0:46:21.600 --> 0:46:24.240 it's like, you're here for the partnership with that person. 0:46:24.880 --> 0:46:28.280 Those children are not yours, so you are not obligated 0:46:28.320 --> 0:46:31.280 to do anything for them. They also are not obligated 0:46:31.320 --> 0:46:33.640 to but anything to make you feel comfortable. Those are 0:46:33.680 --> 0:46:36.800 somebody else's kids. He's going to have to deal with that, 0:46:36.960 --> 0:46:40.040 and there's nothing she can say to make him feel comfortable. 0:46:40.480 --> 0:46:42.880 He wants to be a father and a husband. You 0:46:42.960 --> 0:46:44.960 can't be a father to those kids because it seems like, 0:46:45.040 --> 0:46:46.560 based on when she said that those kids have a 0:46:46.640 --> 0:46:48.120 father figure who's already involved. 0:46:48.800 --> 0:46:51.520 I mean, but he I do like and acknowledge that 0:46:51.680 --> 0:46:53.800 he feels like he does love them like they're his 0:46:53.920 --> 0:46:56.040 own and they just want that relationship, which is good 0:46:56.080 --> 0:46:59.239 because we've seen a lot of blended situations that are not. 0:47:00.239 --> 0:47:02.040 But I will say this, we not together and you 0:47:02.160 --> 0:47:06.480 marry somebody else, right, Jake, my son's is not calling 0:47:06.520 --> 0:47:12.520 that guy dad or stepdad. Your name is Jake, right, Yes, 0:47:12.640 --> 0:47:15.839 that's Jake is my mother's husband. I have a dad 0:47:16.040 --> 0:47:18.840 and a father and I am adamant that because I 0:47:18.880 --> 0:47:22.480 don't foresee us ever. But if it were to ever happen, 0:47:22.880 --> 0:47:26.040 my kids are not calling another man dad, and and 0:47:26.160 --> 0:47:29.239 to be honest, my kids would be super respectful absolutely 0:47:29.320 --> 0:47:30.239 in that man's house. 0:47:30.440 --> 0:47:30.600 Yep. 0:47:30.800 --> 0:47:33.600 But my kids also not staying there. My kids are 0:47:33.600 --> 0:47:37.319 staying with me because I only trust me with my kids, 0:47:37.960 --> 0:47:40.799 and I think some people need you see what I'm saying. 0:47:41.080 --> 0:47:42.880 He doesn't have kids, or he doesn't know what it 0:47:42.960 --> 0:47:45.800 feels like to have your offspring with someone else, so 0:47:45.920 --> 0:47:47.600 he may feel like, oh, our house is a house, 0:47:47.680 --> 0:47:49.560 but it's not a home. Yeah, because them kids ain't 0:47:49.600 --> 0:47:54.000 running in the house saying hey Dad, you know what 0:47:54.080 --> 0:47:54.479 I'm saying. 0:47:55.920 --> 0:47:57.800 You know what I'm saying, right, get it? 0:47:58.320 --> 0:47:59.839 Get yeah, you got a compartmental lot. 0:48:00.000 --> 0:48:01.560 Hey, and then once you go on your healing journey 0:48:01.560 --> 0:48:03.319 and you figure out what's going on and you get 0:48:03.360 --> 0:48:05.239 to rid of that, and then you finally get with 0:48:05.320 --> 0:48:07.080 you fiance and then you decide maybe y'all want to 0:48:07.120 --> 0:48:09.840 have children together, then you can have that family and 0:48:09.920 --> 0:48:12.719 that happily ever after that you were so seeking. So 0:48:12.880 --> 0:48:15.360 good luck to you, brother. I appreciate your. 0:48:16.440 --> 0:48:20.920 It's unfair for people to come to the table. And 0:48:21.000 --> 0:48:22.480 I say people because I saw me and the other 0:48:22.560 --> 0:48:25.640 day on Instagram. You come to the table with a relationship, 0:48:25.640 --> 0:48:26.920 he said, I come with a child. You got to 0:48:26.960 --> 0:48:28.960 treat my child like it's yours. But then when that 0:48:29.040 --> 0:48:32.120 person says, hey, well i'm stepping into discipline as y like, well. 0:48:32.040 --> 0:48:33.360 I don't need you for all that. No, no, no, 0:48:33.480 --> 0:48:35.279 no no, do not tell me. 0:48:35.400 --> 0:48:37.880 You want me to step up as a parental figure 0:48:37.960 --> 0:48:40.799 to your child only when it's convenient, because now you're 0:48:40.840 --> 0:48:41.600 blurring the lines. 0:48:41.680 --> 0:48:43.320 And there was a woman on there screaming at this 0:48:43.400 --> 0:48:45.120 man like you're not how father, You're not how father. 0:48:45.160 --> 0:48:46.520 Don't say nothing to her, And he was just like, 0:48:46.560 --> 0:48:48.839 but y'all here staying in my house and I saw 0:48:48.880 --> 0:48:51.000 she was doing something disrespectful to you, and she's like, 0:48:51.040 --> 0:48:52.279 well she got a father to Doude that I don't 0:48:52.320 --> 0:48:52.560 need you. 0:48:53.040 --> 0:48:54.600 That would have been the last day both of them 0:48:54.680 --> 0:48:55.319 was being in my house. 0:48:55.360 --> 0:48:57.719 I'd be like, oh, for real, okay, so I can't 0:48:57.760 --> 0:49:00.759 discipline so and so okay, cool, this is the last 0:49:00.800 --> 0:49:03.120 set of discipline. Get y'all shit and get out, because 0:49:03.120 --> 0:49:05.120 you're not going to disrespect me in my house in 0:49:05.160 --> 0:49:05.919 front of your child. 0:49:06.360 --> 0:49:07.359 And now that child one. 0:49:07.400 --> 0:49:10.000 Think they can disrespect me in my house. And if 0:49:10.040 --> 0:49:12.439 I disrespect the child, then they go to get their father. 0:49:12.960 --> 0:49:15.360 And if I'm that child's father and you disrespect my 0:49:15.520 --> 0:49:18.239 kid in your house, I'm whooping your ass. And that's 0:49:18.280 --> 0:49:20.120 what I think a lot of people need to realize. 0:49:20.160 --> 0:49:22.399 When you are getting involved with people who have kids, 0:49:22.440 --> 0:49:24.719 there's a dynamic that you may not. 0:49:24.880 --> 0:49:25.480 Be ready for. 0:49:25.760 --> 0:49:26.319 That's a fact. 0:49:26.440 --> 0:49:28.960 And until you ready for that, don't get into it. 0:49:29.080 --> 0:49:31.960 Don't do it. Just don't do it. All right, Good 0:49:32.040 --> 0:49:33.560 luck to you, bro, And if you guys want to 0:49:33.600 --> 0:49:36.279 be featured as one of our listening letters, email us 0:49:36.400 --> 0:49:38.759 at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com. We'd love 0:49:38.800 --> 0:49:39.279 to hear from you. 0:49:39.520 --> 0:49:41.520 That's D E A D A S S A D 0:49:41.680 --> 0:49:44.600 V I C E at gmail dot com. 0:49:45.480 --> 0:49:48.240 All right now, moment of truth time. We're talking casual 0:49:48.320 --> 0:49:51.400 sex within a marriage. Don't get it twisted. Mine is 0:49:51.400 --> 0:49:54.080 a fairly simple baby. Let me hear it every now 0:49:54.120 --> 0:49:57.320 and again. You just gotta bust a wide open for 0:49:57.400 --> 0:50:01.480 your man, okay. And why and when you think it's wide, 0:50:01.560 --> 0:50:06.319 go wider. And when you think you wider, wider. I'm 0:50:06.320 --> 0:50:08.560 about to take some stretch classes, y'all, to get my 0:50:08.640 --> 0:50:10.720 flexibility back. Like I said, I've been working on my body, 0:50:10.719 --> 0:50:12.759 you know what I'm saying. So working on all the 0:50:12.800 --> 0:50:15.040 things so that when we have our casual sex moments 0:50:15.520 --> 0:50:18.560 within the relationship here, I like, I can give you 0:50:18.680 --> 0:50:20.719 what you need and in turn you give me what 0:50:20.920 --> 0:50:24.480 I need and that gives us what we need collectively 0:50:24.960 --> 0:50:29.840 to move forward with our day. And I love that 0:50:29.960 --> 0:50:31.960 for us. I love where we are with this. You 0:50:32.040 --> 0:50:34.360 guys have literally seen this progress over the course of 0:50:34.520 --> 0:50:37.320 fifteen seasons, okay, because if you listen to one of 0:50:37.400 --> 0:50:40.520 our podcast episodes talking about sex early on, where there was. 0:50:40.520 --> 0:50:42.359 Season one, two or three trying to figure it out. 0:50:42.400 --> 0:50:44.480 We were trying to figure it out We've literally figured 0:50:44.520 --> 0:50:47.800 out the journey of our life together as a married couple, 0:50:48.280 --> 0:50:50.360 having sex within this marriage, and what that looks like 0:50:50.440 --> 0:50:52.600 for us, and the struggles and the ups and the downs. 0:50:53.040 --> 0:50:55.440 But I'm happy to announce, as if y'all care. I 0:50:55.480 --> 0:50:58.840 don't know if y'all do. I'm happy to announce that 0:50:58.880 --> 0:50:59.680 we're in a great space. 0:51:00.600 --> 0:51:03.959 We're in a great space. I have nothing to complain about. 0:51:04.640 --> 0:51:06.560 I get taken care of her, focus on taking care 0:51:06.600 --> 0:51:10.479 of you. My moment of truth is the same as yours. 0:51:11.040 --> 0:51:14.120 You know what I'm saying. Gentlemen, we ask them to 0:51:14.160 --> 0:51:17.759 bust it open. Sometimes you gotta just get deep. And 0:51:17.840 --> 0:51:19.640 when you think you've gone deep, you gotta go deeper. 0:51:20.040 --> 0:51:21.480 And when you think you're going as deep as you 0:51:21.520 --> 0:51:22.720 can go, you gotta go deeper. 0:51:22.800 --> 0:51:23.000 Y'all. 0:51:23.480 --> 0:51:27.640 Like to be honest, you gotta remember, Oh my god, 0:51:27.840 --> 0:51:30.200 you gotta remember when you was trying to drop that 0:51:30.320 --> 0:51:32.640 grade A to prove to her that she should mess 0:51:32.760 --> 0:51:35.640 with no other dude. Every dude has that moment. But 0:51:35.760 --> 0:51:37.400 it's like, y'all gonna make sure she don't mess with 0:51:37.480 --> 0:51:40.640 nobody else. I think it's imperative that you continue to 0:51:40.760 --> 0:51:45.160 do that. Five ten fifteen twenty years into the marriage, 0:51:45.880 --> 0:51:47.919 and don't lose sight of the fact that that woman 0:51:48.239 --> 0:51:50.200 wants to be split in half once in a while, 0:51:50.960 --> 0:51:51.880 Like does she need that? 0:51:52.080 --> 0:51:52.520 She need that? 0:51:52.600 --> 0:51:56.320 Reminded, gentleman, So yo, casually fuck your wife consistently. 0:51:56.600 --> 0:52:02.560 All right, dead ass, y'all, and we have some amazing 0:52:02.800 --> 0:52:08.440 after show content, exclusive podcast videos, family content. Everything is 0:52:08.480 --> 0:52:13.080 on Patreon patrem Patreon shout out, I know you got 0:52:13.120 --> 0:52:14.600 me all hot and bothered. Good thing. 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Grab your dead Ass merch, grab your book. 0:52:59.360 --> 0:53:01.239 All great gifts it gets for the holidays as well. 0:53:01.280 --> 0:53:02.840 All right, love y'all so much. 0:53:05.680 --> 0:53:05.919 Cut. 0:53:07.160 --> 0:53:10.239 Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast network and 0:53:10.280 --> 0:53:13.840 its produced by Donor Opinya and Triple Follow the podcast 0:53:13.920 --> 0:53:16.520 on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and never 0:53:16.600 --> 0:53:17.080 miss a Thing