1
00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:07,920
Speaker 1: All right, so this topic specifically, I am very specific

2
00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:11,240
Speaker 1: on my thoughts y'all. This week we are talking about

3
00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:16,040
Speaker 1: my views on marriage and honestly why I just don't

4
00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:18,200
Speaker 1: understand why it's still a thing.

5
00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:19,520
Speaker 2: I want to get into.

6
00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:23,040
Speaker 1: First off, the history behind some of the things with marriage, right, Okay,

7
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,800
Speaker 1: Let's start with the fact that they started off as

8
00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,760
Speaker 1: arranged ordeals.

9
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:30,000
Speaker 2: In order to keep the family.

10
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:32,040
Speaker 1: Name or in order to keep the rich with the

11
00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:35,879
Speaker 1: rich and the poor I guess still poor, even to

12
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,360
Speaker 1: the point where y'all incest was a thing.

13
00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:41,680
Speaker 2: They were marrying cousins just to keep.

14
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:44,040
Speaker 1: The money in the family. Then let's get into the

15
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:48,559
Speaker 1: fact that y'all know I'm non monogamous. Why do we

16
00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:52,160
Speaker 1: have only one wife? As the means of marriage, specifically

17
00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:57,080
Speaker 1: in the Western world, in ancient world ADBC, in whatever

18
00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:59,880
Speaker 1: country you even want to name, polygamy was a thing

19
00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:04,280
Speaker 1: and men were able to have multiple wives. It says

20
00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,960
Speaker 1: to the thousands of wives. Ain't nobody had thousands of wives? Okay, sorry,

21
00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:11,200
Speaker 1: I'm looking at my notes over here. And then we

22
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:14,840
Speaker 1: have the separation between state and church. This is where

23
00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:20,160
Speaker 1: we started seeing, specifically in the US OFA and Western society,

24
00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:24,840
Speaker 1: us leaning into Christianity and the Catholic Church in terms

25
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:28,400
Speaker 1: of how we view marriage, and honestly, by about the

26
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:31,800
Speaker 1: nineteen fifties, we viewed it as a sanctum of love.

27
00:01:32,200 --> 00:01:35,039
Speaker 2: But more so also because women were.

28
00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:37,720
Speaker 1: Not able to have bank accounts until nineteen seventy four,

29
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:41,000
Speaker 1: we weren't able to vote until about the nineteen eighties,

30
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:44,280
Speaker 1: and in reality, most women were dependent on getting married

31
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,200
Speaker 1: as a means to have a group over their head.

32
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,720
Speaker 1: In some instances, we weren't able to have certain c

33
00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:52,120
Speaker 1: suite positions, we weren't able to hold certain positions in

34
00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:57,480
Speaker 1: certain industries, and so for many years women relied on

35
00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:01,440
Speaker 1: marriage as almost the means of survivor. And so today,

36
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:05,080
Speaker 1: as a modern day woman making all the coins, I

37
00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:08,600
Speaker 1: do not understand why a woman who would be successful

38
00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:12,760
Speaker 1: would need to lean into the societal pressures of becoming

39
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:16,560
Speaker 1: someone's wife. Are we not our own person? Can I

40
00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:19,400
Speaker 1: not find legacy in keeping my own name?

41
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:22,640
Speaker 2: Am I not her? Am I not powerful?

42
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:26,760
Speaker 1: I just don't understand the societal pressures on viewing a

43
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:29,880
Speaker 1: woman's value based on whether a man puts a ring

44
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:35,200
Speaker 1: on her finger. And so, y'all, I'm here to see

45
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:38,880
Speaker 1: if I am still selectively ignorant at this topic. By

46
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:41,280
Speaker 1: the end of the episode. I am joined today with

47
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:45,000
Speaker 1: a very special guest. Yes, ma'am, Yes, ma'am, I have

48
00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:49,520
Speaker 1: certified dating and relationship coach, wife and host of the

49
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:50,680
Speaker 1: single season.

50
00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:57,079
Speaker 2: Show Allison here with me, baby. Yes, welcome that intro.

51
00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:00,600
Speaker 1: Okay, you know what, let's start out there. Yes, you

52
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,240
Speaker 1: can pick out it a little bit. I want you

53
00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:05,120
Speaker 1: to get your shit off just a little bit on

54
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:10,360
Speaker 1: clearly you being a relationship and dating coach. I also

55
00:03:10,480 --> 00:03:13,520
Speaker 1: want to lean in with the fact that you specify

56
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:16,800
Speaker 1: your clients as successful women. Yes, so that does go

57
00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:19,040
Speaker 1: against what I just said. So would love to get

58
00:03:19,080 --> 00:03:20,959
Speaker 1: you to get your little shit off of it. Yeah,

59
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:23,280
Speaker 1: based on what I just said, because you would like

60
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:26,519
Speaker 1: you women over here, they can see the theme's coming

61
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:27,080
Speaker 1: off my head.

62
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,360
Speaker 3: So I just want to correct some of the things,

63
00:03:29,440 --> 00:03:31,480
Speaker 3: or at least from my position, some of the things

64
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:37,560
Speaker 3: that you shared. Number one in regards to polygamy, right, Yes,

65
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:41,640
Speaker 3: Historically men have been allowed in many societies, and in

66
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,480
Speaker 3: some societies in African societies, women have been allowed to

67
00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:49,320
Speaker 3: have more than one spouse. That doesn't negate how society

68
00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:51,480
Speaker 3: can change over time.

69
00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:51,960
Speaker 2: Right.

70
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:56,320
Speaker 3: Institutions can change over time. So just because something was

71
00:03:56,360 --> 00:04:00,240
Speaker 3: a certain way before doesn't mean that it's wrong now

72
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,160
Speaker 3: because it doesn't look the way that it looked one

73
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:05,480
Speaker 3: hundred years ago, four hundred years ago, Biblical times. Okay,

74
00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:10,600
Speaker 3: so the polygamy piece, and I'm going through the nose two.

75
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:14,160
Speaker 3: I'm going through the nose two again. The old purpose

76
00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:18,000
Speaker 3: of keeping money in the family, keeping society divided, keeping

77
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:21,200
Speaker 3: the name strong, monitoring where funds are going, and so

78
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:22,560
Speaker 3: arranged marriages.

79
00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,200
Speaker 2: Again, just because an institution.

80
00:04:24,880 --> 00:04:27,440
Speaker 3: Looked away before and no longer looks that way now

81
00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:30,119
Speaker 3: doesn't mean it no longer has value because it doesn't

82
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,919
Speaker 3: look the way that it used to be. And I

83
00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:36,080
Speaker 3: would well to count that same argument, though I would

84
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,400
Speaker 3: say that it still kind of functions in that way.

85
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:42,680
Speaker 3: We don't have a range marriage in Western society anymore. However,

86
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:46,880
Speaker 3: we do have this ideology of generational wealth and keeping

87
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:50,279
Speaker 3: money within the new family that's being created, being able

88
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,480
Speaker 3: to purchase property that I wouldn't be able to purchase

89
00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:54,400
Speaker 3: on my own. I'm in Brooklyn, New York. I can't

90
00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:56,640
Speaker 3: buy a house in my own salary. When my husband

91
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:59,279
Speaker 3: and I came together, when those w twos came together,

92
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,520
Speaker 3: we were a position to purchase a property, being able

93
00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,599
Speaker 3: to provide for our children that if I were a

94
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,560
Speaker 3: single mom I may not be able to do to

95
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:11,440
Speaker 3: the same level. So again, just because an institution changes

96
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:15,880
Speaker 3: over time doesn't invalidate said institution. And even though we

97
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,520
Speaker 3: may have some of the same original values from then,

98
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,320
Speaker 3: it doesn't mean that it's no longer valuable now.

99
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:25,240
Speaker 1: Third argument, which I actually agree with. Okay, Okay, so

100
00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:28,200
Speaker 1: we oh, honus agreeing on something. Okay, by the way,

101
00:05:28,200 --> 00:05:30,920
Speaker 1: I love that. I'm I'm listening because I cannot wait

102
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:31,880
Speaker 1: to get deep into this.

103
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:35,080
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, so what did you agree on that? Sorry?

104
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:35,840
Speaker 2: The part that I.

105
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:41,479
Speaker 3: Agreed on is women being held to marriage, being obligated

106
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:44,839
Speaker 3: to marry because they could not provide for themselves. Ok So, yes,

107
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,320
Speaker 3: you mentioned about the suffrage movement, not being able to

108
00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:50,120
Speaker 3: vote and having a voice in society, not being able

109
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,440
Speaker 3: to have a credit card or open up a pint, right, Like,

110
00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:56,000
Speaker 3: those are all legitimate, right, So there are many people,

111
00:05:56,560 --> 00:06:01,760
Speaker 3: many of our ancestors. I was gonna say, Grandma, I'm

112
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:04,400
Speaker 3: still alive. Yes, that married because they had to. They

113
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:06,520
Speaker 3: would No, there's no the recourse they cannot purchase the property.

114
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:07,960
Speaker 3: What the fuck they're gonna do? Right? They had no

115
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:12,719
Speaker 3: other choice, however, and that's legitimate, and I agree with you. However, again,

116
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:15,640
Speaker 3: we're talking about busy, professional women. We're talking about successful

117
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:18,799
Speaker 3: women who are making choices. You have made a choice,

118
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:21,480
Speaker 3: You've made a stance. You do not value marriage, you

119
00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:23,400
Speaker 3: do not want it for yourself. Correct, you do not

120
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:24,120
Speaker 3: want children.

121
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:26,279
Speaker 2: Correct. That's powerful that you can make that choice.

122
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,440
Speaker 3: Who I'm talking to, my audience are women who want

123
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:33,480
Speaker 3: those things on top of the success that they have acquired,

124
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,480
Speaker 3: and they're choosing to do it. They're not obligated to

125
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:39,040
Speaker 3: do it anymore. And that's valuable too, that I can

126
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,960
Speaker 3: see an institution. I can recognize that grandma and great

127
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,560
Speaker 3: grandma had to do it, and I can recognize that

128
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,800
Speaker 3: I don't have to, but I want to. And I'm

129
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:50,320
Speaker 3: sure we're gonna get into why women still want this.

130
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:54,640
Speaker 1: Thing, so you you cater to and oh, I can't

131
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:55,960
Speaker 1: wait to dive into that.

132
00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:56,599
Speaker 2: Again.

133
00:06:56,720 --> 00:07:00,360
Speaker 1: Your clientele is successful women that then choose marriage. And

134
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:06,360
Speaker 1: we talk about lasting love equaling marriage. Why why then,

135
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:10,000
Speaker 1: do we not identify purchasing a home which you brought

136
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:14,720
Speaker 1: up and partnership as just coexisting or essentially an LLC

137
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:17,880
Speaker 1: if we want to, like you said, y'all coming together

138
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,520
Speaker 1: with your w twos. Why could that not be an

139
00:07:20,520 --> 00:07:24,080
Speaker 1: option in partnership? Why did it have to be as

140
00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,200
Speaker 1: getting married? Now that we're together now it could be

141
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:31,680
Speaker 1: that way, And I want to make sure I'm voicing

142
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:32,720
Speaker 1: this correctly?

143
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,200
Speaker 2: Am I saying it right? Do we just want to

144
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:37,640
Speaker 2: lean into why does lasting love equal marriage? Essentially?

145
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,160
Speaker 4: I mean, it's a good start, but you can also

146
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,440
Speaker 4: go to a value proposition too.

147
00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:42,960
Speaker 2: It is a bit of a.

148
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,239
Speaker 1: Value proposition, but I guess I want to start there.

149
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:49,560
Speaker 1: Why to you is lasting love marriage?

150
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:53,360
Speaker 3: Okay, so that's an excellent question because that's legitimate, right,

151
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,360
Speaker 3: Like my husband didn't have to be my husband for

152
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:58,440
Speaker 3: us to submit the documents together to purchase the home.

153
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,120
Speaker 3: My husband did not have to be my husband for

154
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:01,440
Speaker 3: him to lay with me for us to make our

155
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:04,640
Speaker 3: two beautiful babies, so that again all legitimate.

156
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:05,680
Speaker 2: It doesn't have to be.

157
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:10,320
Speaker 3: However, in my opinion, it's way too risky for me

158
00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:15,120
Speaker 3: to invest my life, my time, my physical health and

159
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:18,440
Speaker 3: well being as carrying children, my financial well being of

160
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:21,760
Speaker 3: purchasing this home or delving into a business or whatever.

161
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:23,840
Speaker 3: That looks like it's way too risky for me to

162
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:26,880
Speaker 3: do that with someone who is not willing to also

163
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:30,000
Speaker 3: put up a similar risk. So what do I mean

164
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:32,080
Speaker 3: by that? Obviously, my husband can't carry a baby, so

165
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:33,920
Speaker 3: it's not that kind of risk, right, okay, But the

166
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:37,160
Speaker 3: risk meaning that he is willing to say with his mouth,

167
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,400
Speaker 3: I'm committed to this person. I'm not going to commit

168
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,880
Speaker 3: to anyone else. Here is a symbol of that commitment

169
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,320
Speaker 3: that is pricey right to you, so that you know

170
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:49,920
Speaker 3: that my intentions are legitimate. You are risking your life

171
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:53,080
Speaker 3: to have my children. The least I can do is

172
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:55,640
Speaker 3: sign a document that says that my intention is to

173
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:58,440
Speaker 3: commit to you. The least I can do is say

174
00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:00,080
Speaker 3: in front of God and my family that my my

175
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,000
Speaker 3: intention is to commit to you. Now, we all know

176
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,280
Speaker 3: that divorce exists, we do. We all know that we

177
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:08,200
Speaker 3: just fifty percent of couples and in divorce. But I

178
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:13,200
Speaker 3: me ali soon right, I cannot take the chance of

179
00:09:13,280 --> 00:09:16,120
Speaker 3: investing with this person if they can't do them what

180
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:19,760
Speaker 3: I consider the lower end of the commitment. I think

181
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:23,760
Speaker 3: it's a lower end of commitment to marry versus having children, you.

182
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:27,239
Speaker 2: Think, okay, you think that's a lower.

183
00:09:28,760 --> 00:09:32,560
Speaker 3: Because he and I have children together. If he's a

184
00:09:32,559 --> 00:09:35,200
Speaker 3: good person, which I vetted, right and I teach vetting,

185
00:09:35,679 --> 00:09:38,680
Speaker 3: if he's a good person, then he is going to

186
00:09:38,720 --> 00:09:41,440
Speaker 3: be a good father. I equate good person with good parenting.

187
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,319
Speaker 2: That I do. I do. Okay, Okay, I love that

188
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:45,040
Speaker 2: to do.

189
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,600
Speaker 1: I will disagree with that because what we've seen too

190
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,800
Speaker 1: is the fact that someone being a good partner doesn't

191
00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:51,520
Speaker 1: make them a good father.

192
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,520
Speaker 2: Someone being a good father doesn't make them a good partner.

193
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:56,079
Speaker 1: Someone being a good partner doesn't make them really a

194
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,439
Speaker 1: good person with everyone else. I think, I think this

195
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:00,439
Speaker 1: idea of what is good, and I think the moral

196
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:01,800
Speaker 1: compass of it is subjected.

197
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:05,840
Speaker 3: You're gonna make You're gonna get me in trouble. They

198
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,560
Speaker 3: so let me tell you, yes to me?

199
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,040
Speaker 2: And how do you bet that?

200
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:12,120
Speaker 1: Because you said you bet it even with your client, right,

201
00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:13,240
Speaker 1: how do you bet a good person?

202
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:13,640
Speaker 2: Okay?

203
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,280
Speaker 3: So all right, so let's take a couple steps back.

204
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,280
Speaker 3: I want to make sure that I hit every point.

205
00:10:17,559 --> 00:10:21,199
Speaker 3: I would argue that if you are not showing up

206
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:25,079
Speaker 3: as a good parent, then you are not a good partner.

207
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,360
Speaker 3: So don't I don't think that you can say that, oh,

208
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:31,600
Speaker 3: he's a loving husband, but he's an absentee parent.

209
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:33,000
Speaker 2: I don't think so. Let me tell you why.

210
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,800
Speaker 3: If you truly loved your wife, then you would not

211
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,720
Speaker 3: leave her holding the bag. You would be doing dishes

212
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,960
Speaker 3: and doing homework and picking up the kids. There would

213
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:45,199
Speaker 3: be no laziness on the parenting side. Can I ask you, then, so.

214
00:10:45,240 --> 00:10:48,520
Speaker 1: Then the horse before the carriage, or the carriage before

215
00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,760
Speaker 1: the horse? You would say someone then should have children

216
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:52,960
Speaker 1: with a man before marrying them.

217
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:57,280
Speaker 2: No so, And I'm asking yes because you're saying if

218
00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:58,880
Speaker 2: he's a good father, he'll be a good partner.

219
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,720
Speaker 3: No, no, no, I'm not saying that I know no, not automatically.

220
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:03,800
Speaker 3: I'm just saying that I don't think that the two

221
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,600
Speaker 3: are mutually exclusive. If you tell me that you love me,

222
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:10,120
Speaker 3: you love Alison, your wife, you love me, but yet

223
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:12,120
Speaker 3: you're not showing up for our children. And I don't

224
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:13,719
Speaker 3: think that you truly love me as much as you

225
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:16,000
Speaker 3: say that you do, because you wouldn't leave me in

226
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:17,920
Speaker 3: a position to be struggling.

227
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:19,920
Speaker 2: Can I tell you my logical way of viewing?

228
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:23,319
Speaker 1: And this is why now I have these way outlandish

229
00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:26,320
Speaker 1: things because I view of things a father and how

230
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:29,679
Speaker 1: he shows up for that child, that relationship and how

231
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:33,760
Speaker 1: he shows up is a relationship between that man and

232
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:38,440
Speaker 1: that child, not you, And so looking at how he

233
00:11:38,520 --> 00:11:41,679
Speaker 1: shows up for another human being is not indicative, nor

234
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:44,160
Speaker 1: will it be indicative I think in any nature how

235
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,040
Speaker 1: he will show up for you. I have seen people

236
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,240
Speaker 1: be able to show up for children and not show

237
00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:51,040
Speaker 1: up for a wife, a partner, a girlfriend in the

238
00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,480
Speaker 1: same thing, baby mama at all. And so I don't

239
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:57,000
Speaker 1: like that tangible connection where you feel like, oh, if

240
00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,559
Speaker 1: he shows up as a good father, he's going to

241
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,480
Speaker 1: be a good partner to me, or or he the

242
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:04,960
Speaker 1: good person, Like I think that that relationship is exclusive

243
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,640
Speaker 1: to that child. And unfortunately, this is where I think

244
00:12:07,679 --> 00:12:09,680
Speaker 1: my mind goes when we talk about and this is

245
00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:11,760
Speaker 1: where we can get into how you bet what's a

246
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:13,960
Speaker 1: good person in the realm of how you look at

247
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,560
Speaker 1: who will be a good husband. The way someone shows

248
00:12:16,679 --> 00:12:18,920
Speaker 1: up for you is not going to be in the

249
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:20,760
Speaker 1: way he shows up for a child is not going

250
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:21,920
Speaker 1: to be the way in which they show up for

251
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:25,520
Speaker 1: their mother. They're like the way we innately as human

252
00:12:25,559 --> 00:12:29,160
Speaker 1: beings show up as people. We show up differently, as

253
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,559
Speaker 1: I'm going to talk to myself. I show up differently

254
00:12:31,559 --> 00:12:33,320
Speaker 1: as a daughter than I do as a friend, than

255
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:34,840
Speaker 1: I do as a romantic partner that I do as

256
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,280
Speaker 1: a business partner. Even though I'm the same person all

257
00:12:37,320 --> 00:12:40,040
Speaker 1: of those relationships, you show up differently, and so.

258
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:41,920
Speaker 3: I would challenge you and say that you don't show

259
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,800
Speaker 3: up as differently as you think that you do. Okay,

260
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:45,679
Speaker 3: I would challenge you and say that you are probably

261
00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:50,360
Speaker 3: extremely consistent at the version of you is extremely consistent. Now,

262
00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,040
Speaker 3: of course, your partner's going to get hugs and kisses

263
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,640
Speaker 3: and some other extra special stuff, right.

264
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:55,480
Speaker 2: A lot of exercise, right.

265
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,400
Speaker 3: And then there may be some people who may have

266
00:12:57,480 --> 00:12:59,760
Speaker 3: violated you in the past and that you've now created

267
00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:02,760
Speaker 3: a new boundary for Okay, Right, But I don't think

268
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,360
Speaker 3: that you drastically show up differently.

269
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:05,640
Speaker 2: I think you are the same person.

270
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,200
Speaker 3: You'll you would be honest, You'll be forthcoming, you will

271
00:13:08,240 --> 00:13:10,240
Speaker 3: be supportive, you will be helpful. You're gonna be the

272
00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:14,200
Speaker 3: same core person that you are for everyone. They may

273
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:17,520
Speaker 3: have done something to cause you to maybe scale back

274
00:13:17,760 --> 00:13:20,480
Speaker 3: or to give more. Their circumstances may have put you

275
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,840
Speaker 3: in a position where you feel like this friend is

276
00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:24,280
Speaker 3: in more need, so I'm going to show up for

277
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,720
Speaker 3: them differently only because she needs it.

278
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,080
Speaker 2: But you, who you are never changes. Okay, I'm not

279
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,720
Speaker 2: mad at that. I'm not mad at that. I'm not

280
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,160
Speaker 2: mad at that. So then I want to get into.

281
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,440
Speaker 1: I want to get into marriage a bit from the

282
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:40,080
Speaker 1: from the lens of I asked to you a little

283
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,440
Speaker 1: earlier why you didn't get an LLC.

284
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,240
Speaker 3: Wait wait, let's wait, wait, Oh don't I don't want

285
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:46,560
Speaker 3: to forget about the vetting. That's import Oh yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no,

286
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:47,600
Speaker 3: I do that's super important.

287
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:49,000
Speaker 2: How do you bet? Because I did just go through

288
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,080
Speaker 2: that whole tangent.

289
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:53,160
Speaker 3: Of logic, right right, So the vetting process is not

290
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,719
Speaker 3: an easy one and it takes time. This is why

291
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:58,520
Speaker 3: I would never recommend for anyone to run to Vegas

292
00:13:58,520 --> 00:13:59,520
Speaker 3: and go get married, right like.

293
00:13:59,559 --> 00:14:00,679
Speaker 2: This is something that should be.

294
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:05,360
Speaker 3: Taken years, beginning with you, the individual and the woman

295
00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:07,520
Speaker 3: in this particular case, finding out or figuring out what

296
00:14:07,559 --> 00:14:10,920
Speaker 3: their core values are, what a good person is to you, me,

297
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,760
Speaker 3: anyone else in the subjective. Right, it's going to be subjective,

298
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,080
Speaker 3: So you need to figure out, well, how do you

299
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:16,920
Speaker 3: define what.

300
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,240
Speaker 2: A good person? And what are the qualities, what are

301
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:19,800
Speaker 2: the traits?

302
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:22,840
Speaker 3: What are the characteristics that you would define makes a

303
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:26,000
Speaker 3: good person. Once you figure that out for yourself, what

304
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,080
Speaker 3: you need in a relationship where you need from that

305
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,360
Speaker 3: partner in order for the relationship to work.

306
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:31,920
Speaker 2: Now you need to come up.

307
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:35,480
Speaker 3: With a list of questions and behaviors that you are

308
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:39,200
Speaker 3: observing over time to assess whether or not those people

309
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:40,120
Speaker 3: check off those things.

310
00:14:40,120 --> 00:14:43,720
Speaker 2: What's the time? What's the time limit from meeting you

311
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:44,320
Speaker 2: to husband?

312
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:48,000
Speaker 1: Yes, cause some dating coaches may say after six months

313
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:50,200
Speaker 1: you know if you should marry someone, and then we

314
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:53,640
Speaker 1: see the slack the society gives for women waiting ten years. Okay,

315
00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:57,000
Speaker 1: so that's a good point now, knowing whether or not

316
00:14:57,120 --> 00:14:59,800
Speaker 1: you should marry someone. Men are notorious for saying things

317
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,920
Speaker 1: on line. The married ones who are happy, they'll say,

318
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,640
Speaker 1: I knew as soon as I met her. Right, Knowing

319
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:08,560
Speaker 1: and doing are two different things. Right, So I've met

320
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:12,160
Speaker 1: this person, I recognize that there is a connection between us,

321
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:13,280
Speaker 1: and once.

322
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:15,400
Speaker 3: Everything else checks out, which is the part that's muted.

323
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,000
Speaker 3: Once everything else checks out, then I am going to

324
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,240
Speaker 3: move forward and marry her. Versus I met this woman

325
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:21,640
Speaker 3: and I know that she was no good for me,

326
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,240
Speaker 3: but I carried on with her anyway because of blank right.

327
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:25,280
Speaker 2: Knowing.

328
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:29,080
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh so knowing and then taking action are not

329
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:33,560
Speaker 1: the same thing. Okay, Luckily my producers one currently married,

330
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:34,480
Speaker 1: one was married.

331
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,560
Speaker 2: How long did it take you guys to pop the question?

332
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,920
Speaker 2: I think three years? Three years? And what about you?

333
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,720
Speaker 2: So I have a caveat before we do this.

334
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:45,200
Speaker 5: This is one small caer. I was super young, not

335
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:48,040
Speaker 5: knowing what this looked like. Okay, get married in your

336
00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:48,800
Speaker 5: early twenties.

337
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:49,960
Speaker 2: You have no clue.

338
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:53,280
Speaker 5: The only the only foundation you have is what you

339
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:56,200
Speaker 5: think of, is what you see your parents facts used

340
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,640
Speaker 5: to say. Oh I'm going to duplicate that.

341
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:58,800
Speaker 2: Ill replicate that.

342
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:01,280
Speaker 5: Right, but you don't have the tools you think you

343
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:03,440
Speaker 5: It's more to it than just showing up, and we

344
00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,760
Speaker 5: don't even know what that is as a young man, right,

345
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:09,280
Speaker 5: how do you know to cater the women's in there,

346
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,480
Speaker 5: whatever changes, they're going tough as a young woman.

347
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,920
Speaker 2: Right. So we get married young.

348
00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:16,560
Speaker 5: And then we go through the motions in the process,

349
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,720
Speaker 5: but we're still trying to figure each other out and ourselves.

350
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:22,040
Speaker 5: So that was my situation. That's why it's kind of like,

351
00:16:22,360 --> 00:16:24,040
Speaker 5: it's not like I was forty getting married, you know

352
00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:26,440
Speaker 5: what I mean, and then figuring starting from that point.

353
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,520
Speaker 5: I didn't have those tools and the yeah thirty eight, right,

354
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:33,040
Speaker 5: so you had time, Yeah, you had time. And I'm like, oh,

355
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:35,520
Speaker 5: I'm thinking, I have this idea of what this perfect

356
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:39,000
Speaker 5: union should be, but I'm not participating in it in

357
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:42,720
Speaker 5: that capacity, nor is the other person because we don't know.

358
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,400
Speaker 1: Now now, I guess my So that's my cobyast. My

359
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,840
Speaker 1: thought process has been this for kind of most of

360
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,040
Speaker 1: my life. I didn't grow up with the like I

361
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,960
Speaker 1: never picked out a dress. I don't know the shape

362
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,040
Speaker 1: or color of a ring that I want in my mind.

363
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:59,520
Speaker 1: I didn't have that fairy tale need or desire to

364
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,800
Speaker 1: walk down on an aisle or what, you know, what

365
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,240
Speaker 1: my bridesmaid's dresses would be. And in what they just said,

366
00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:07,960
Speaker 1: do you think then that there is a timeline or

367
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,840
Speaker 1: time frame in which people really seek this specifically with

368
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:14,399
Speaker 1: your clients, because I would assume successful women seeking a

369
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:19,560
Speaker 1: husband thirties right, thirties, forty thirties and forties. Yeah, okay, yeap,

370
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,320
Speaker 1: never married, never been married, Most have never been married,

371
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:27,520
Speaker 1: most have never been married. Yeah, Statistically, the majority of

372
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:30,000
Speaker 1: African American women who have been married is slim already.

373
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:32,000
Speaker 2: So yeah, most have never been married. Most have never

374
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:32,400
Speaker 2: been married.

375
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:37,280
Speaker 1: Okay, and you're divorced, this is your first marriage, first

376
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:38,320
Speaker 1: eight years?

377
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:40,399
Speaker 2: Were you married before? No, first and only? This is

378
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:41,399
Speaker 2: your first and only? Okay.

379
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'll say my thoughts later on people who've gotten

380
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:44,800
Speaker 1: married more than once.

381
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:48,520
Speaker 3: So then okay, So then I want to answer your

382
00:17:48,560 --> 00:17:52,000
Speaker 3: question though the time was time from the moment that

383
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,880
Speaker 3: the two people meet went until they walk down the aisle.

384
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:57,080
Speaker 3: I think three years is a reasonable amount of time,

385
00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,200
Speaker 3: okay for you to be able to assess what or

386
00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,960
Speaker 3: not this person is the right fit for you and

387
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:05,840
Speaker 3: fits the requirements. So again, you first need to be

388
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,080
Speaker 3: clear and exactly what you're looking for in a partner,

389
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,960
Speaker 3: and a partnership you the individual. Once you're clear on

390
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,399
Speaker 3: those things, literally pen to paper, right, write down. What

391
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,920
Speaker 3: are the questions I need to ask to assess whether

392
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,359
Speaker 3: or not this person has this characteristic So let's say

393
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:23,040
Speaker 3: I'm trying to assess whether or not you're a giving person.

394
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:25,679
Speaker 3: Is Mandy a giving person? That's important to me? I

395
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,320
Speaker 3: say that if you're a good person, a part of

396
00:18:27,359 --> 00:18:29,320
Speaker 3: that is giving. I need to figure out whether not

397
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,399
Speaker 3: Mandy is giving. So when we go on to day,

398
00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:34,439
Speaker 3: I'm paying attention to how much you tip, if you

399
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:35,760
Speaker 3: go to church, I'm looking at.

400
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:38,440
Speaker 2: I'm trying to look sad. I just say what tithing? Right.

401
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:41,120
Speaker 3: If there's a friend who's in need, and you tell

402
00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,000
Speaker 3: me about this friend who's in need, and then I say,

403
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:44,760
Speaker 3: well did you help them? Hell no, I ain't helping

404
00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:47,800
Speaker 3: that nigga, right, So I'm paying attention to the stories

405
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:50,720
Speaker 3: you tell me. I'm paying attention to the behaviors you exhibit,

406
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:52,520
Speaker 3: and then I'm going to compare that to the list

407
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,840
Speaker 3: and I'm gonna say, yes, she is a giving person.

408
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:57,560
Speaker 3: I check off with a pencil, not with a pen

409
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:00,480
Speaker 3: because people can keep up a fight and all that

410
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,760
Speaker 3: kind of stuff. Or now you up now, so you're

411
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,800
Speaker 3: giving now, and then when you're not as up, you're

412
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,320
Speaker 3: not giving, giving with your time, giving with your energy,

413
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,439
Speaker 3: giving with your effort. I check off with a pencil

414
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:11,400
Speaker 3: and I move on to the next thing. That's how

415
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,919
Speaker 3: you assess, that's how you vet to see if someone

416
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,399
Speaker 3: is an appropriate match for you.

417
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:20,120
Speaker 4: So meant for that, So for the vetting process, because

418
00:19:20,119 --> 00:19:22,879
Speaker 4: you're saying from meeting to walking down the aisle three years.

419
00:19:23,080 --> 00:19:25,680
Speaker 4: If I throw in one more kind of hurdle in there,

420
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,960
Speaker 4: from meeting to proposal, what timeline, because I feel like

421
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,600
Speaker 4: women may want to hear that, like what that's for marriage?

422
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,720
Speaker 4: So what about meeting to like what I know already?

423
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:37,560
Speaker 3: That really is dependent on both parties vision for the

424
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:41,760
Speaker 3: wedding and finances. Right, So for some folks, if they're

425
00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:43,960
Speaker 3: okay with corehouse, then maybe they only want a one

426
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,600
Speaker 3: month or two month engagement because there's no planning, there's no.

427
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,719
Speaker 4: Preparation, but not engagement period. But just like because we're

428
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:51,680
Speaker 4: talking about vetting, so like the vetting period, so like

429
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:54,359
Speaker 4: because you said, which I believe you should vetting pencil, right,

430
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,080
Speaker 4: And so it's like from meeting through the vetting process

431
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,080
Speaker 4: until like, okay, I'm ready to say yes.

432
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:01,760
Speaker 3: Maybe two two and a half. But again, I don't

433
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:04,800
Speaker 3: want anyone to hang on to those numbers. It's very arbitrary.

434
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:07,160
Speaker 3: It's also going to have some other factors on level

435
00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:10,280
Speaker 3: of dedication to their religion, whether or not they're willing

436
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,760
Speaker 3: to be sexual before marriage, whether or not they want

437
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:13,919
Speaker 3: to have biological children.

438
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,520
Speaker 2: Like there's so many other factors. Yeah, very rough estimates.

439
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:18,920
Speaker 3: It don't come to me in the comments.

440
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:23,160
Speaker 1: I want to Actually, my mind works in such black

441
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:25,720
Speaker 1: and white. I'm working on this in therapy because as

442
00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,520
Speaker 1: I'm hearing you talk, my mind goes back as well,

443
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:33,000
Speaker 1: listening to everything risk versus reward and the logical aspect

444
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:33,200
Speaker 1: of it.

445
00:20:33,280 --> 00:20:33,440
Speaker 2: Right.

446
00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:35,840
Speaker 1: So, when I heard you talking about the risk of

447
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:39,040
Speaker 1: buying a home by yourself having children and a partner

448
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,560
Speaker 1: showing up and what it needs, what you need in

449
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,760
Speaker 1: partnership for both people to provide, all I'm thinking of

450
00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:48,359
Speaker 1: is where in all of this do you weigh the

451
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:51,800
Speaker 1: risks of it ending? In all of this, do you

452
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:55,280
Speaker 1: weigh the risks of this person is showing up as

453
00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:59,040
Speaker 1: this good person right now because he likes me, because

454
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:02,160
Speaker 1: he loves me. How does this person show up when

455
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,199
Speaker 1: he doesn't like someone, when he hates them, when he

456
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:08,639
Speaker 1: fell out with someone? In which ways is that being vetted?

457
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,639
Speaker 1: Because that is the person who's going to show up

458
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:13,040
Speaker 1: at the end of this relationship. And I think, for me,

459
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,879
Speaker 1: when I'm weighing the risks versus the reward as a

460
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:22,159
Speaker 1: successful woman, immediately go I go into the risks of

461
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:25,639
Speaker 1: my assets, the risks of what happens to my money

462
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:30,040
Speaker 1: and the risks of my character, and then the risk

463
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,879
Speaker 1: of this person and how they are actually going to

464
00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:35,560
Speaker 1: show up and what they may want, what they may

465
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:38,800
Speaker 1: want to take, and what they won't give at the end,

466
00:21:39,920 --> 00:21:42,639
Speaker 1: I get going into it. What is your view on

467
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:46,159
Speaker 1: all of those risks, though I get the rewards, How

468
00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,840
Speaker 1: do you view the risks of when it ends?

469
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:50,440
Speaker 2: Because that's also if it ends?

470
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:50,720
Speaker 4: No?

471
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,439
Speaker 2: No, if no?

472
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,879
Speaker 3: So are you saying that my marriage is going to end?

473
00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:59,760
Speaker 3: His marriage is going to end? It's going to I.

474
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:06,480
Speaker 1: Put us to live in reality based on statistics.

475
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:14,040
Speaker 2: Hold on, could it could? And majority? Dude, hold on?

476
00:22:14,359 --> 00:22:14,760
Speaker 2: Hold on?

477
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:18,199
Speaker 1: Or because let's be very clear, Oh, the marriage can

478
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,560
Speaker 1: stay in tow and y'all can still exist while hating

479
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:23,399
Speaker 1: each other while he shows up as a bad person,

480
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,840
Speaker 1: while he takes from the account that you guys both

481
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:29,959
Speaker 1: own as a person, when that person is no longer

482
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,560
Speaker 1: the good person because now time has happened, he's changed.

483
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:35,720
Speaker 1: I am not the same person I was at twenty

484
00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:38,480
Speaker 1: six when I started, you know, horrible decisions to who

485
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:41,879
Speaker 1: I am now. Your partner over time as a father

486
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:45,400
Speaker 1: will change, his hobbies will change, the money he and

487
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:49,840
Speaker 1: you make will change. We as people do not include

488
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,120
Speaker 1: the fact that we will change.

489
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,639
Speaker 2: So y'all could be married till.

490
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:55,160
Speaker 1: Death do you part, yes, till the wills fall off.

491
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:58,800
Speaker 1: It doesn't mean that you won't then get to the

492
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:01,240
Speaker 1: point where you are now dealing with all of the risks,

493
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:03,840
Speaker 1: whether you're divorced or not, because this person is no

494
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,680
Speaker 1: longer that good person. And that's where when I think

495
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,200
Speaker 1: of marriage, when I think of aligning myself with someone

496
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,119
Speaker 1: with business which I have, I've gone through divorce. I'm

497
00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:13,760
Speaker 1: splitting assets April thirtieth, I gotta go to fucking court

498
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,359
Speaker 1: or a bitch that I that couldn't do anything without

499
00:23:16,359 --> 00:23:18,880
Speaker 1: me ain't doing nothing now and now is literally trying

500
00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,480
Speaker 1: to sue me for money, as if I didn't carry

501
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,880
Speaker 1: the marriage essentially for two years, as if I didn't

502
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:28,800
Speaker 1: put money into our pocket and never ask for anything

503
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:32,439
Speaker 1: in return. I'm now getting a completely different version of

504
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:34,639
Speaker 1: a person that I thought I got into business with.

505
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,920
Speaker 1: And so that's where I hear all of the happily

506
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:41,960
Speaker 1: ever after sentiments. But why when we look at romantic

507
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:45,040
Speaker 1: partnerships and marriage do we not do we ignore the

508
00:23:45,080 --> 00:23:46,520
Speaker 1: fact that when this ends.

509
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:48,800
Speaker 2: This is gonna be real risky.

510
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:51,359
Speaker 3: I'm gonna go back to my original point, which is,

511
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:52,400
Speaker 3: but why are you look.

512
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:58,560
Speaker 2: With the reality possible scenario outcome? You can't?

513
00:23:58,560 --> 00:23:59,719
Speaker 4: But is it not responsible?

514
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:03,399
Speaker 2: I am responded, hold on, and that's where I do.

515
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,200
Speaker 1: I love that Jason just said that is not then Okay, yes,

516
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:10,240
Speaker 1: we could talk about being an optimist and being a pessimist.

517
00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:10,920
Speaker 2: I get it.

518
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:12,920
Speaker 1: People are like, Oh, this bitch, that's what I betch

519
00:24:12,960 --> 00:24:14,640
Speaker 1: right now she says something's gonna.

520
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:18,760
Speaker 2: Act like she's onto another podcast, you know what I mean.

521
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:29,879
Speaker 2: But to me, I'm goddamn name. Oh that's awful as

522
00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:30,440
Speaker 2: a millennial.

523
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,320
Speaker 1: But to me, I don't look at it as me

524
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:36,240
Speaker 1: being negative or me being a pessimist. I look at

525
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:41,919
Speaker 1: me possibly protecting myself, me being realistic with I may

526
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:44,640
Speaker 1: be making a bad decision, even though this decision feels good.

527
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:46,400
Speaker 1: Now I'm in a building that I signed a five

528
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:49,080
Speaker 1: year least. When I signed this ship, I thought this

529
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:50,720
Speaker 1: was gonna be I thought I never was gonna leave

530
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,000
Speaker 1: New York. I thought, see the thing is was gonna

531
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:56,399
Speaker 1: be driving for ten years? Like horrible, I thought, because

532
00:24:56,880 --> 00:24:59,119
Speaker 1: and I got fucked over. So let me ask you

533
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:01,520
Speaker 1: how much Vetti And I'm not trying to dig into

534
00:25:01,560 --> 00:25:04,880
Speaker 1: this persons, and I don't want you to potentially ruin

535
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,080
Speaker 1: anything in terms of your court case, right, but how

536
00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:10,280
Speaker 1: much vetting did you do with this individual before you

537
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,080
Speaker 1: jumped into the business sheets with her?

538
00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:17,680
Speaker 2: You know what's crazy? I actually have, in hindsight view

539
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:19,800
Speaker 2: it like a lot of relationships.

540
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:23,160
Speaker 1: And let me explain that I thought she was nice,

541
00:25:23,280 --> 00:25:25,080
Speaker 1: thought she was kind, We enjoyed hanging out.

542
00:25:25,480 --> 00:25:30,080
Speaker 2: We I thought had a great relationship. Let's be very clear.

543
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:33,639
Speaker 1: The business relationship changed over time because I left a

544
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,680
Speaker 1: network that helped and so she was required to do

545
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,040
Speaker 1: a lot more and she didn't give it to me.

546
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,520
Speaker 1: I listened for years and why she was treated the

547
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:45,600
Speaker 1: way she was at Rock Nation, and realized all the

548
00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,439
Speaker 1: blame was on someone else and not on herself. I

549
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:51,640
Speaker 1: believed that, which when we get into relationships, we sit

550
00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:55,120
Speaker 1: here and listen to how their past relationships ended, how

551
00:25:55,119 --> 00:25:57,280
Speaker 1: maybe they could have showed up different, how they didn't,

552
00:25:57,440 --> 00:25:59,639
Speaker 1: but what they learned from it, all of those things.

553
00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:02,040
Speaker 1: I bet it in that way, Where are you now?

554
00:26:02,040 --> 00:26:03,800
Speaker 1: How did you go from that situation? What would you

555
00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,359
Speaker 1: do different? I vetted in a way that I thought

556
00:26:06,560 --> 00:26:08,960
Speaker 1: I was getting a different version, and instead I actually

557
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,800
Speaker 1: got the same version the same way. How bitches beginning

558
00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:15,960
Speaker 1: with men who maybe hit or cheated on their last relationship,

559
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:17,919
Speaker 1: thought well, okay, you've changed, it's not.

560
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,200
Speaker 2: Gonna happen to me. And then but they're smeared, cake

561
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:20,960
Speaker 2: smeared on their faith.

562
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,720
Speaker 3: But they're a fool for that, and they deserve And

563
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:24,240
Speaker 3: so listen, I know if nobody deserves to get the

564
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:26,680
Speaker 3: asked on, but you know what I'm saying, within reason.

565
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:27,720
Speaker 2: You deserve that.

566
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:31,320
Speaker 1: I was a fool for starting a business with someone

567
00:26:31,359 --> 00:26:35,920
Speaker 1: who showed up and admitted to being lazy and expecting

568
00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,920
Speaker 1: a handout from people without doing the work.

569
00:26:38,560 --> 00:26:40,919
Speaker 2: Cake smeared right here on my face. So when I

570
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:42,000
Speaker 2: sit here and can.

571
00:26:41,760 --> 00:26:45,199
Speaker 1: Object objectively say I gave someone the benefit of the

572
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:48,400
Speaker 1: doubt after vetting them, after being married, now going through

573
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:51,399
Speaker 1: a not so great divorce where she feels entitled to

574
00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:54,680
Speaker 1: things that I disagree with her entitlement for I still

575
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:56,800
Speaker 1: sit here and think this was a marriage that went

576
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:58,440
Speaker 1: sour and I did all the things that I thought

577
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:00,800
Speaker 1: wouldn't put me in this position again, and I thought

578
00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:02,240
Speaker 1: we were going to ride that thing till the wills

579
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:05,000
Speaker 1: fall off, which is what most people assume when they

580
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:07,480
Speaker 1: get into marriage. They don't think that this person is

581
00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,280
Speaker 1: going to show up how maybe he did in his

582
00:27:09,359 --> 00:27:12,040
Speaker 1: previous relationships. They don't think that there's going to be

583
00:27:12,119 --> 00:27:14,560
Speaker 1: cheating or DV or anything negative, or even just that

584
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:19,560
Speaker 1: the person changes. And so to me, that's where again,

585
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:23,400
Speaker 1: the reality of it is back to you. I want

586
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:26,800
Speaker 1: to ask, No, I don't wish the ending of any

587
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:28,000
Speaker 1: either of y'all's marriage.

588
00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:30,679
Speaker 2: Appreciate that, But we're also sitting in here with one

589
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:35,600
Speaker 2: that ended. Sorry, king, uh start, I'm pro, I'm pro.

590
00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:37,679
Speaker 2: I'm pro again.

591
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:41,440
Speaker 1: Then, how do you sit with the actual risks of

592
00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:42,440
Speaker 1: this human being?

593
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:43,640
Speaker 2: Not the institution?

594
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:46,520
Speaker 3: So let's answer that question, because that's an excellent, one

595
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:51,280
Speaker 3: great question. Each individual person has to decide, looking at

596
00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:51,960
Speaker 3: the risk.

597
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,439
Speaker 2: Versus the reward, if it's worth the risk. You have

598
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:56,760
Speaker 2: decided that it is not.

599
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:01,639
Speaker 3: And the problem is is that society says that you're wrong,

600
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,880
Speaker 3: or you're incomplete, or you don't have as much value.

601
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:07,640
Speaker 3: Because that's a decision that you have made. That's where

602
00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:10,800
Speaker 3: I differ from society. The clients I work with have

603
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:15,440
Speaker 3: decided that the reward is worth the risk, and they

604
00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:19,880
Speaker 3: want help in order to vet and find and navigate

605
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:23,440
Speaker 3: dating so that they can lessen the risk.

606
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:25,000
Speaker 2: But they've made a decision that.

607
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:28,280
Speaker 1: The reward is worth It is worth it, Okay, So

608
00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:30,840
Speaker 1: and they're going to move forward. And I agree, and

609
00:28:31,359 --> 00:28:33,359
Speaker 1: I agree with them, and I believe in marriage, and

610
00:28:33,359 --> 00:28:35,800
Speaker 1: I believe in the institution, and I believe in what

611
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:36,680
Speaker 1: it can provide.

612
00:28:37,040 --> 00:28:38,360
Speaker 2: So I took the risk.

613
00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:40,200
Speaker 3: I took the leap four years ago, and I will

614
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:44,040
Speaker 3: help anyone who also agrees. But if you don't agree,

615
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:45,400
Speaker 3: that isn't a problem for me.

616
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:46,440
Speaker 2: I support it.

617
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:48,680
Speaker 1: Let me ask you know, what are your thoughts then,

618
00:28:48,760 --> 00:28:54,000
Speaker 1: if we're talking about risk, rewards, protection, vetting, prenups, especially

619
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:58,040
Speaker 1: for the successful woman, I do want to read through

620
00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:02,320
Speaker 1: some of these love to bring pop culture into certain things.

621
00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:05,719
Speaker 1: And so what I've witnessed over what we've all witnessed

622
00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:08,720
Speaker 1: over the last few years, is a lot of celebrity

623
00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 1: marriages ending high net worth women having to pay out

624
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:14,880
Speaker 1: their husbands, which, mind you again, y'all on the Twitter

625
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:17,160
Speaker 1: streets love thinking that women need you a little two

626
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:19,720
Speaker 1: hundred and fifty dollars a week fucking alimony and child

627
00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:23,160
Speaker 1: supports that a woman Kate succeed without it. I want

628
00:29:23,160 --> 00:29:24,080
Speaker 1: to read some of these offs.

629
00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:24,680
Speaker 2: Mary J.

630
00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:30,400
Speaker 1: Blige was had to pay her estrange husband Martin thirty

631
00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 1: thousand dollars per month in temporary spousal support, and he

632
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:39,400
Speaker 1: had previously requested one hundred and twenty nine three hundred

633
00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:42,600
Speaker 1: and nineteen dollars per month. This was after miss Blige

634
00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:46,040
Speaker 1: filed for divorce in July of I believe twenty twenty three.

635
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:50,000
Speaker 1: Adele was ordered to pay a judge was ordered by

636
00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:52,400
Speaker 1: a judge to pay one hundred and forty million dollars

637
00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:56,920
Speaker 1: to her ex husband. The former couple additionally agreed to

638
00:29:56,960 --> 00:29:59,840
Speaker 1: work out their property and debts as well. Kelly Clarkson

639
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:02,160
Speaker 1: not means bringing up all these Oh okay, only two

640
00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:05,040
Speaker 1: white women. Kelly Clarkson was orted to may her ex

641
00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:09,400
Speaker 1: husband Blackstock one point three million dollars and then contribute

642
00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:14,240
Speaker 1: forty five thousand dollars per month in child support. Additionally,

643
00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:17,400
Speaker 1: Blackstock was also granted one hundred and fifteen thousand dollars

644
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:18,680
Speaker 1: per month all the support.

645
00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:21,080
Speaker 2: Rachel Lindsay, Candice Parker.

646
00:30:21,320 --> 00:30:24,680
Speaker 1: There's a lot of women that we've seen recently had

647
00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:27,760
Speaker 1: to pay up and so then what is the conversation

648
00:30:29,200 --> 00:30:33,040
Speaker 1: with successful women now who have their own money, who

649
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,360
Speaker 1: have their own assets, who continue to thrive in their

650
00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:39,440
Speaker 1: own careers because we now as modern women, have the

651
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:44,080
Speaker 1: ability to with still seeking marriage. How does a successful

652
00:30:44,240 --> 00:30:47,080
Speaker 1: financially well woman protect herself?

653
00:30:47,200 --> 00:30:48,080
Speaker 2: Yes, good question.

654
00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:50,840
Speaker 3: So the first thing I would say is there are

655
00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:54,040
Speaker 3: I'm sure plenty of loop I'm not the expert, Okay,

656
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:56,680
Speaker 3: I'll tell you that there are plenty of loopholes and methodology.

657
00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:58,400
Speaker 3: I think there was a gentleman who was a soccer

658
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:01,000
Speaker 3: player who like put all of his assets in his

659
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:02,400
Speaker 3: mama's name so.

660
00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:08,160
Speaker 2: That when him ain't got nothing right.

661
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:11,600
Speaker 3: So I'm sure there's a state planning, there's methodologies.

662
00:31:10,920 --> 00:31:12,760
Speaker 2: There's loopholes.

663
00:31:11,720 --> 00:31:16,959
Speaker 3: There's also accounts like if you write that concern, then

664
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:18,880
Speaker 3: you need to do the appropriate research, you need to

665
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:22,360
Speaker 3: hire whoever lawyers, and so on and so forth. I

666
00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:24,760
Speaker 3: believe in prenups. I don't think that a prenuptial agreement

667
00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:27,200
Speaker 3: is a problem. I would sign one if my husband

668
00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:29,080
Speaker 3: asked me to before we got married. I don't think

669
00:31:29,080 --> 00:31:31,480
Speaker 3: that that is a measure of a lack of love

670
00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:34,160
Speaker 3: or lack of trust. I don't have a problem with it,

671
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:37,120
Speaker 3: especially if you're someone who's a high earner like the

672
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:39,360
Speaker 3: women that you've mentioned. But I do want to say

673
00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:42,160
Speaker 3: that these women are the exception and not the rule

674
00:31:42,680 --> 00:31:46,600
Speaker 3: in terms of I mean, okay, if we go through

675
00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:51,800
Speaker 3: how many posts and social media conversations of women who

676
00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:55,080
Speaker 3: are coming out and winning when they divorce their husband,

677
00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,720
Speaker 3: who normally is the higher earner. When we have these

678
00:31:57,800 --> 00:32:01,200
Speaker 3: kind of conversations, women don't tend to be the ones

679
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,520
Speaker 3: on the end of that losing spectrum, but our conversations

680
00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:06,360
Speaker 3: about them. So that's a right right, protect yourself, do

681
00:32:06,440 --> 00:32:08,840
Speaker 3: what you need to do if your future husband is

682
00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:11,800
Speaker 3: not willing to sign to make you feel confident about

683
00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:15,080
Speaker 3: those next steps, and perhaps he's not an appropriate match,

684
00:32:15,120 --> 00:32:17,400
Speaker 3: and that should be a part of your betting.

685
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:20,520
Speaker 2: You're betting. Okay, let me ask you then your views

686
00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:22,080
Speaker 2: on society.

687
00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:26,600
Speaker 1: I feel like the societal pressures for women successful or

688
00:32:26,640 --> 00:32:31,080
Speaker 1: not to being a mom or a wife essentially by

689
00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:35,760
Speaker 1: a deadline not or and you can't just be the mom,

690
00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:36,440
Speaker 1: can't just be the one.

691
00:32:36,480 --> 00:32:37,880
Speaker 2: And here I go, not wanting either.

692
00:32:37,960 --> 00:32:40,920
Speaker 1: So I know that the older I get, the more

693
00:32:41,040 --> 00:32:42,920
Speaker 1: society is going to be like, well, bitch, what's wrong

694
00:32:42,960 --> 00:32:43,280
Speaker 1: with you?

695
00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:46,320
Speaker 2: And so what are your views on that?

696
00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:49,200
Speaker 1: I know that the conversations around Tracy ellis ross is

697
00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:51,640
Speaker 1: that she can't be happier, that something has to be

698
00:32:51,640 --> 00:32:53,800
Speaker 1: wrong with her, how she ain't got no kids, how

699
00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:59,080
Speaker 1: she ain't married, and people constantly question the ability of

700
00:32:59,120 --> 00:33:02,760
Speaker 1: her to be happy with those two labels are what

701
00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:08,800
Speaker 1: say you to someone who does have this high esteem

702
00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:12,959
Speaker 1: and view on marriage or women in terms of societies

703
00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:14,600
Speaker 1: pressures and views on that same label?

704
00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:19,239
Speaker 3: So let me slightly correct. Okay, I value marriage as

705
00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:22,000
Speaker 3: an institution. Yes, I want to help anyone else who

706
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:24,840
Speaker 3: does as well. Yes, anyone who does not, I one

707
00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:28,160
Speaker 3: hundred percent support them, love that. Anyone who doesn't want

708
00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:30,240
Speaker 3: to have children. I'm so glad that you know that

709
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:32,760
Speaker 3: now versus later.

710
00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:33,560
Speaker 2: Okay.

711
00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:37,200
Speaker 3: I think that these women, the women who don't want

712
00:33:37,240 --> 00:33:41,239
Speaker 3: to abide by the societal standards and expectations, they know

713
00:33:41,320 --> 00:33:42,880
Speaker 3: that they need to be strong in that, they need

714
00:33:42,960 --> 00:33:45,840
Speaker 3: to stand ten toes down in that to stick with

715
00:33:45,920 --> 00:33:49,320
Speaker 3: it and just understand that, yes, you are going against

716
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:50,719
Speaker 3: the mold, and what's wrong with that?

717
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:51,400
Speaker 2: Right?

718
00:33:51,480 --> 00:33:53,719
Speaker 3: Like, So we have a couple of different things. Number One,

719
00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:55,720
Speaker 3: you can be an advocate for. You can be the voice,

720
00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:58,520
Speaker 3: you can speak for those who are like you, who

721
00:33:58,560 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 3: have your ideology right.

722
00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:02,200
Speaker 2: Or you could just shut the fuck up.

723
00:34:02,800 --> 00:34:05,720
Speaker 3: Don't tell people what your moves are, what your opinions are,

724
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:07,560
Speaker 3: How you know whether or not you want children, whether

725
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:09,320
Speaker 3: or not you want magic. Except for the individual that

726
00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:12,680
Speaker 3: you're actually dating, they need to know right other than

727
00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:14,040
Speaker 3: that those are your options.

728
00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:15,439
Speaker 2: It's tough, but.

729
00:34:15,719 --> 00:34:18,080
Speaker 1: I was gonna say that sounds good, and then everything's given.

730
00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:21,839
Speaker 1: Your parents, your grandparents, everyone is asking where that baby at?

731
00:34:22,160 --> 00:34:25,560
Speaker 1: Where the man at? I mean, I get it's I

732
00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:27,840
Speaker 1: think it sounds good, but I think that there is

733
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:30,400
Speaker 1: a lot of answering that women have to do, whether

734
00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:32,480
Speaker 1: it be at work, whether it be within their family.

735
00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:35,120
Speaker 1: Even let's be very clear, we could fall out with

736
00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:39,320
Speaker 1: a woman now. Women I think are even more nasty

737
00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:42,200
Speaker 1: than anything to where if you are going toe to

738
00:34:42,239 --> 00:34:44,600
Speaker 1: toe with maybe someone on the internet, and they see

739
00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:47,880
Speaker 1: that you're single and and with no children, they immediately

740
00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:49,200
Speaker 1: will will go and.

741
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:52,800
Speaker 2: Dog you like your in value, like you hold no value.

742
00:34:52,840 --> 00:34:55,400
Speaker 1: Yes, it's you are nothing without a man, putting a

743
00:34:55,440 --> 00:34:58,560
Speaker 1: ring on your finger or nothing if you ain't bear children.

744
00:34:58,880 --> 00:35:01,360
Speaker 3: I agree with you what you're gonna do? Right, And

745
00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:05,319
Speaker 3: you're asking me, but I mean, what are you gonna do?

746
00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:08,120
Speaker 3: Stand ten toes down, and we need to be the

747
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:11,560
Speaker 3: ones to be the voices, and we need to reiterate

748
00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:13,880
Speaker 3: that our value is not equated to whether or not

749
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:15,880
Speaker 3: we choose to marry or we choose to have children.

750
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:18,960
Speaker 3: And as a matter of fact, I would even argue

751
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:23,680
Speaker 3: that we're stronger them, but you, right, thank you right,

752
00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:26,640
Speaker 3: are even stronger to be able to push against the

753
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:29,520
Speaker 3: cittal norms, knowing what you want and being able to

754
00:35:29,520 --> 00:35:31,840
Speaker 3: stand by that the way that I feel like rolls.

755
00:35:31,680 --> 00:35:33,160
Speaker 2: The parks on the back of the bus. I ain't

756
00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:34,040
Speaker 2: gonna hold you.

757
00:35:34,080 --> 00:35:37,880
Speaker 1: This shit is weighing on me, heaven, because the internet

758
00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:41,360
Speaker 1: is really a cruel place. And I mean, even talking

759
00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:44,239
Speaker 1: to my mom and women in the generation right before me,

760
00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:48,080
Speaker 1: there's there's been conversations about, wow, I wish I could

761
00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:51,759
Speaker 1: have been this sexual sexually, Wow I wish I have

762
00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:54,640
Speaker 1: a couple of them, you know kids back in the day,

763
00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:58,399
Speaker 1: or I wish I was able to have this sense

764
00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:01,759
Speaker 1: They say quietly yeah, and then publicly it's a different conversation.

765
00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:03,799
Speaker 3: Right, yeah, So this is all right, So let's talk

766
00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:06,319
Speaker 3: about some real practical things that we can do. Number One,

767
00:36:06,320 --> 00:36:08,440
Speaker 3: we need to put some boundaries in place in preparation

768
00:36:08,520 --> 00:36:12,040
Speaker 3: for the holidays, right, so Thanksgiving, Christmas. Like you, sometimes

769
00:36:12,040 --> 00:36:14,600
Speaker 3: we need to get nasty with grandma. We grown, we

770
00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:16,640
Speaker 3: pay our own bills, so we need to get nasty

771
00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:18,640
Speaker 3: with grandma. Oh, you mean the fact that you had

772
00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:21,000
Speaker 3: I had three granddaddies over the.

773
00:36:21,040 --> 00:36:24,520
Speaker 2: Last But you're a lobby and I got nasty. My

774
00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:25,000
Speaker 2: mom went.

775
00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:29,640
Speaker 3: She was lobbying for a gentleman that she really liked. Okay,

776
00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:34,879
Speaker 3: and he said, and I told her that we were

777
00:36:34,880 --> 00:36:36,560
Speaker 3: not moving forward. I was not going to continue to

778
00:36:36,600 --> 00:36:38,480
Speaker 3: date this gentleman. She told me I was making a

779
00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:41,240
Speaker 3: grave mistake. And I told her, well, you're the expert

780
00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:42,000
Speaker 3: on relationships.

781
00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:42,640
Speaker 2: I can see.

782
00:36:42,840 --> 00:36:46,279
Speaker 3: She says, that's a good man, right and being and

783
00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:49,160
Speaker 3: my dad right. And it didn't work out with them,

784
00:36:49,200 --> 00:36:51,000
Speaker 3: so she was mad. We didn't talk for two weeks.

785
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:53,360
Speaker 3: And she never challenged any of them. And this was

786
00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:56,120
Speaker 3: ten fifteen years ago. She never challenged up. Sometimes we

787
00:36:56,120 --> 00:36:58,680
Speaker 3: had to shut these people down. Who's your baby daddy?

788
00:36:58,680 --> 00:37:02,239
Speaker 2: But you're asking me to Auntie not some mother. Don't

789
00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:02,720
Speaker 2: get slatin.

790
00:37:03,920 --> 00:37:08,120
Speaker 1: But daddy or how many granddads? How many granddaddies did

791
00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:09,880
Speaker 1: I have to say hi granddad too? Or we need

792
00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:12,279
Speaker 1: to start putting some boundaries and as you're grown, and

793
00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:14,359
Speaker 1: I'm telling you, I bet you money, if you start

794
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:16,759
Speaker 1: putting some of those things in place, they won't harass you.

795
00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:19,600
Speaker 1: Next things given, they won't be bothering you. Next Valentine's

796
00:37:19,719 --> 00:37:21,640
Speaker 1: about why you ain't going out and who you're not with?

797
00:37:21,760 --> 00:37:29,759
Speaker 2: Those are your friend take a little different, Maybe you

798
00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:30,439
Speaker 2: need to take a break.

799
00:37:30,480 --> 00:37:33,200
Speaker 3: Next things given, Maybe we need to go to Bali

800
00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:35,799
Speaker 3: for next thing, right, like, maybe we need to flex

801
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:37,160
Speaker 3: them like whatever.

802
00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:38,440
Speaker 2: That's one thing that we need to do.

803
00:37:38,480 --> 00:37:41,520
Speaker 3: Secondly, we need to not be so concerned about what

804
00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:46,640
Speaker 3: society says. Society has no impact on your real life.

805
00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:48,880
Speaker 3: You know what Jay says, what you eat don't make

806
00:37:48,920 --> 00:37:49,239
Speaker 3: me shit?

807
00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:49,960
Speaker 2: Right?

808
00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:55,680
Speaker 3: So there is a random dude on Twitter who said, oh, Alison,

809
00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:58,240
Speaker 3: you you know you having a baby? You almost forty?

810
00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:01,920
Speaker 3: You're right right? Why do I care? Why is that

811
00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:04,200
Speaker 3: hurting my feelings? Why am I not more invested in

812
00:38:04,239 --> 00:38:06,680
Speaker 3: the positive comments? And why am I feeding into the

813
00:38:06,719 --> 00:38:07,359
Speaker 3: negative ones?

814
00:38:07,600 --> 00:38:07,640
Speaker 2: No?

815
00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:10,239
Speaker 1: No, no, because I'll be having time bitch, I'll be

816
00:38:10,560 --> 00:38:11,640
Speaker 1: I got time today.

817
00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:13,959
Speaker 2: Bitch cram yea oh big scram.

818
00:38:14,080 --> 00:38:16,120
Speaker 1: And now I can't get online for a couple of

819
00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:17,520
Speaker 1: days because they said I was bullying.

820
00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:19,240
Speaker 2: Well, they love to say I'm bullying.

821
00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:21,239
Speaker 3: But then we can't be mad when we engage with

822
00:38:21,239 --> 00:38:23,440
Speaker 3: those people. Then we can't be mad when we continue

823
00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:25,200
Speaker 3: to attract that type of energy. Now I know I

824
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:27,080
Speaker 3: can get a rise out of you. You're gonna act

825
00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:30,200
Speaker 3: me what Mandy is adding me. She's talking to me,

826
00:38:30,440 --> 00:38:32,120
Speaker 3: even if the talk is a curse, even if the

827
00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:35,319
Speaker 3: talk is but regular Alison who says I love your

828
00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:37,319
Speaker 3: hair and this was a great episode. You don't give

829
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:38,160
Speaker 3: me any kind of minute.

830
00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:39,600
Speaker 2: Oh no, I do. I like them, give me a

831
00:38:39,600 --> 00:38:41,200
Speaker 2: lot of giving them pickleback shots. When I see him

832
00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:43,879
Speaker 2: in the street, you give me shut up. I can't

833
00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:47,560
Speaker 2: give a heart no. But but okause they got three words.

834
00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:50,120
Speaker 2: I don't want the emoji. The emoji not not hitting

835
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:51,640
Speaker 2: like that you va did.

836
00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:54,840
Speaker 3: The emoji you was cursing somebody out There's a difference.

837
00:38:54,920 --> 00:38:57,080
Speaker 3: But my point is is like we we as a

838
00:38:57,080 --> 00:38:59,320
Speaker 3: society need to not be so invested in society.

839
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:00,000
Speaker 2: What is societ.

840
00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:03,160
Speaker 3: I'm not confident that the people who are online who

841
00:39:03,160 --> 00:39:04,120
Speaker 3: are spewing.

842
00:39:03,719 --> 00:39:05,640
Speaker 2: This negativity, do they got a wife?

843
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:07,520
Speaker 3: We need to start saying this ship back to them,

844
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:08,400
Speaker 3: where's your wife?

845
00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:11,080
Speaker 2: Oh? How many kids? You guys that all by the

846
00:39:11,080 --> 00:39:13,480
Speaker 2: same way, are your girlfriend? You're struggling to pay your bills?

847
00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:17,360
Speaker 2: We need to just like this whole idea. That's the

848
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:17,839
Speaker 2: pocket water.

849
00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:20,480
Speaker 3: It's all good, but this this idea of how like

850
00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:22,720
Speaker 3: black people took the word nigga, and we use nigga

851
00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:24,359
Speaker 3: again with each other, and it's like kind of like

852
00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:27,399
Speaker 3: relative depending on who you talk to, relatively a term

853
00:39:27,400 --> 00:39:30,000
Speaker 3: of endearment. We need to start flipping it on these niggas.

854
00:39:30,560 --> 00:39:33,040
Speaker 3: Where's your wife, how many times you've been married? How

855
00:39:33,040 --> 00:39:35,719
Speaker 3: many baby mamas you got? Start shaming them the same

856
00:39:35,760 --> 00:39:38,640
Speaker 3: way that they start to shame, to change the narrative.

857
00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:39,319
Speaker 2: And I do that.

858
00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:42,160
Speaker 3: And my last point is again I don't even know,

859
00:39:42,160 --> 00:39:44,359
Speaker 3: at least like Russians, like, who are the people who's

860
00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:45,360
Speaker 3: behind these pages?

861
00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:45,600
Speaker 4: Yo?

862
00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:49,440
Speaker 2: Shut up, I don't know. I want to go lie.

863
00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:51,240
Speaker 2: I'll probably get canceled. I call them a laddins.

864
00:39:51,239 --> 00:39:54,800
Speaker 1: They be in my ship. I'll be like, while aladdinto

865
00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:56,359
Speaker 1: my ship, they be talking shit about me. But then

866
00:39:56,360 --> 00:39:57,960
Speaker 1: it has all this Arabic writing behind it.

867
00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:02,480
Speaker 2: S Wait, wait, wait, I got a question? Can I

868
00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:04,000
Speaker 2: can I read a tweet? Can I read a tweet?

869
00:40:04,000 --> 00:40:05,000
Speaker 4: Since we're talking about online?

870
00:40:05,040 --> 00:40:05,400
Speaker 2: Here we go.

871
00:40:05,680 --> 00:40:08,399
Speaker 4: By this time next year, I'll be a New York

872
00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:12,040
Speaker 4: Times bestseller announcing another book on the radio show that

873
00:40:12,080 --> 00:40:15,480
Speaker 4: I holse and celebrating it with a man who deserves me.

874
00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:18,880
Speaker 2: Watchum.

875
00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:23,000
Speaker 1: So, basically, Jason likes to pull out this hypocrisy in

876
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:24,839
Speaker 1: myself a year.

877
00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:25,640
Speaker 2: Don't do that?

878
00:40:25,719 --> 00:40:28,960
Speaker 3: But how is that hypocrasy? You didn't say with my husband?

879
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:30,200
Speaker 3: Thank you said?

880
00:40:30,239 --> 00:40:32,200
Speaker 2: But are y'all saying the same thing?

881
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:34,359
Speaker 1: This is where he thinks we're saying the same thing.

882
00:40:34,600 --> 00:40:38,640
Speaker 1: I think lasting love, lasting love is great? Is great, right,

883
00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:42,000
Speaker 1: I think? And this is where I agree with Alison

884
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:45,680
Speaker 1: that I'm trying to break the mold. Essentially, I believe

885
00:40:45,719 --> 00:40:50,640
Speaker 1: in everlasting love or everlasting partnership without the hierarchical steps

886
00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:53,680
Speaker 1: of Okay, we're moving together, we have the kids, we

887
00:40:53,719 --> 00:40:56,680
Speaker 1: get engaged, we get married, you know, and you could

888
00:40:56,719 --> 00:40:57,920
Speaker 1: go all the way down to it. We meet each

889
00:40:57,920 --> 00:41:00,319
Speaker 1: other's family, we do this, we do that. I think

890
00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:08,520
Speaker 1: that the pressure around a traditional route of a relationship

891
00:41:09,040 --> 00:41:14,560
Speaker 1: is not at all my vision for lasting love or.

892
00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:18,520
Speaker 2: What my future looks like with a partner. Right, And so.

893
00:41:20,200 --> 00:41:23,600
Speaker 1: Again, the institutions, society, all the things that at the

894
00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:26,359
Speaker 1: dismantle when it comes to me dating, this becomes very

895
00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:29,040
Speaker 1: difficult for me to express because a lot of men

896
00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:31,719
Speaker 1: feel like, oh, you don't want to get married. Oh well,

897
00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:33,279
Speaker 1: maybe you don't like me that much. Oh well, maybe

898
00:41:33,280 --> 00:41:35,640
Speaker 1: I can fuck on these mini bitches, or maybe this

899
00:41:35,719 --> 00:41:37,000
Speaker 1: is just gonna be fun, maybe it's just gonna be

900
00:41:37,040 --> 00:41:37,839
Speaker 1: a situation ship.

901
00:41:38,320 --> 00:41:40,480
Speaker 2: I feel like when I express this, or even that.

902
00:41:40,440 --> 00:41:43,720
Speaker 1: I'm not monogamous, a man immediately doesn't even take me serious,

903
00:41:43,760 --> 00:41:47,480
Speaker 1: because as men, they are programmed to search and seek

904
00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:51,759
Speaker 1: out their wives. They are searched, they are taught to

905
00:41:52,239 --> 00:41:54,920
Speaker 1: seek out the nurturing nature of a woman because that

906
00:41:54,960 --> 00:41:57,440
Speaker 1: would make a good mother. And so when I come like,

907
00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:00,799
Speaker 1: maybe I want to hop all a plane and hop

908
00:42:00,840 --> 00:42:03,719
Speaker 1: off some hm bent over on a you know whatever.

909
00:42:04,040 --> 00:42:06,719
Speaker 1: When I come the way I view love and long

910
00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:10,680
Speaker 1: lasting partnership, it doesn't align with what people assume that

911
00:42:10,719 --> 00:42:10,920
Speaker 1: to be.

912
00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:15,320
Speaker 3: You have gotten so far in your career by not listening.

913
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:15,840
Speaker 2: To other people.

914
00:42:16,080 --> 00:42:18,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, so I need you to take that same energy

915
00:42:18,880 --> 00:42:21,160
Speaker 3: and to continue to do what you do, and that

916
00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:24,480
Speaker 3: has gotten you so successful in this industry, in your

917
00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:26,840
Speaker 3: romantic life, and that's what I teach my clients. Like

918
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:29,120
Speaker 3: you've gotten the degree, you have, the business you have,

919
00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,200
Speaker 3: the home you have, the stock options, you have, all

920
00:42:31,280 --> 00:42:34,200
Speaker 3: these things. It really is the same skill set that

921
00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:37,160
Speaker 3: you are applying to your romantic life. I know we

922
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:39,239
Speaker 3: just I just used the word romantic life. But your

923
00:42:39,360 --> 00:42:42,560
Speaker 3: romantic life is a lot more logical and reasonable than

924
00:42:42,640 --> 00:42:45,640
Speaker 3: people like to give it credit for. I made a

925
00:42:45,800 --> 00:42:49,839
Speaker 3: logical decision to marry my husband, not only because of love.

926
00:42:50,200 --> 00:42:54,440
Speaker 3: If I only loved him, I would not have married him.

927
00:42:54,480 --> 00:42:57,960
Speaker 3: He has loved other women before me and did not

928
00:42:58,120 --> 00:43:01,960
Speaker 3: ask for their hand in marriage. Love cannot be the

929
00:43:02,000 --> 00:43:05,879
Speaker 3: only thing. It might be one of the most foundational pieces, right.

930
00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:09,080
Speaker 3: It might be literally the basement. It might be literally

931
00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:11,880
Speaker 3: the foundation of the home. But a home is not

932
00:43:11,920 --> 00:43:13,440
Speaker 3: a home if it just has a foundation.

933
00:43:13,480 --> 00:43:16,919
Speaker 1: Where's the kitchen, where's the back windows? Right?

934
00:43:17,000 --> 00:43:19,319
Speaker 2: Yeah, where's the roof? Where's the roof? Right?

935
00:43:19,320 --> 00:43:19,400
Speaker 4: Like?

936
00:43:19,480 --> 00:43:23,640
Speaker 1: Where are those things? Where's the central Where are in

937
00:43:23,640 --> 00:43:24,279
Speaker 1: New York a lot?

938
00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:27,480
Speaker 3: But that's something that you've decided that you needed. And

939
00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:29,960
Speaker 3: so yes, love can be the foundation, but that cannot

940
00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:32,680
Speaker 3: be the end all, be all, because I cannot imagine

941
00:43:32,680 --> 00:43:35,840
Speaker 3: that a relationship could work in this day and age,

942
00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:38,920
Speaker 3: or any day and age, simply based on love. I

943
00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:41,080
Speaker 3: don't think a marriage could work simply based on love,

944
00:43:41,200 --> 00:43:43,440
Speaker 3: and I don't think that it should. It's too dangerous,

945
00:43:43,520 --> 00:43:46,839
Speaker 3: it's too finicky, you said it. People change over time.

946
00:43:47,520 --> 00:43:49,680
Speaker 3: I need my husband and I we needed to make

947
00:43:49,719 --> 00:43:51,560
Speaker 3: a decision as to what we wanted our life to

948
00:43:51,600 --> 00:43:53,640
Speaker 3: look like. We made a decision as to what we

949
00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:56,399
Speaker 3: wanted our children's lives to look like. And I'm talking

950
00:43:56,400 --> 00:43:58,719
Speaker 3: about things like I want my kid to be able

951
00:43:58,760 --> 00:44:00,000
Speaker 3: to choose any.

952
00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:02,399
Speaker 2: Because they got to be an HBCU and we could

953
00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:07,880
Speaker 2: just write the check. Belie, we still have those decided

954
00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:10,080
Speaker 2: to do. Try to take them shits a way. Yeah,

955
00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:11,920
Speaker 2: but we can write the check. Right.

956
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:14,600
Speaker 3: My babies need a down payment for their first house.

957
00:44:14,760 --> 00:44:16,400
Speaker 3: We can take care of that. We can buy them

958
00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:18,880
Speaker 3: their first Rinki DENTK car. Like there are things that

959
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:21,160
Speaker 3: we want to provide for our children that our parents

960
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:23,839
Speaker 3: were not able to and we want to be able

961
00:44:23,840 --> 00:44:25,920
Speaker 3: to do those things together as a unit.

962
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:29,160
Speaker 2: That has nothing to do with love. You're right.

963
00:44:29,239 --> 00:44:33,120
Speaker 3: That has to do with financial planning, right, and us

964
00:44:33,200 --> 00:44:35,919
Speaker 3: working together to get to the goal faster. Now, could

965
00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:38,319
Speaker 3: I have gone to a sperm bank, gotten pregnant, had

966
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:40,200
Speaker 3: some babies, and written.

967
00:44:39,840 --> 00:44:41,440
Speaker 2: A check in eighteen years? Probably?

968
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:44,360
Speaker 3: How much work would have taken in order for me

969
00:44:44,400 --> 00:44:47,160
Speaker 3: to be able to do that, How much non fun

970
00:44:47,280 --> 00:44:49,440
Speaker 3: that would have been to be doing it by myself

971
00:44:49,520 --> 00:44:52,640
Speaker 3: versus me being able to do that work.

972
00:44:53,520 --> 00:44:55,120
Speaker 2: Shout out to all the single mamas. I don't know

973
00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:55,640
Speaker 2: how y'all do this.

974
00:44:55,880 --> 00:44:58,040
Speaker 3: Right to do the work and have somebody to enjoy

975
00:44:58,080 --> 00:45:00,120
Speaker 3: the work with, have somebody.

976
00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:00,600
Speaker 2: To I think.

977
00:45:00,920 --> 00:45:03,200
Speaker 3: Again, we talked about logic and reason, but there is

978
00:45:03,239 --> 00:45:07,759
Speaker 3: also the emotional human aspect of companionship. Now you can

979
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:09,840
Speaker 3: say again, I could just get that from my man.

980
00:45:10,120 --> 00:45:11,960
Speaker 3: Why do I need that to be a person? That's

981
00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,480
Speaker 3: my husband, that we signed on the dotted line, and

982
00:45:14,719 --> 00:45:18,280
Speaker 3: literally that is true again for me, I'm not willing

983
00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:22,040
Speaker 3: to take myself off the market. Okay, I'm not willing

984
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:24,440
Speaker 3: to literally put my life at risk. I just had

985
00:45:24,480 --> 00:45:28,279
Speaker 3: my second C session fourteen days ago. For someone who

986
00:45:28,320 --> 00:45:32,319
Speaker 3: can't even say the words I want to marry you,

987
00:45:32,600 --> 00:45:35,120
Speaker 3: or we are married to someone who can't sign on

988
00:45:35,160 --> 00:45:36,400
Speaker 3: the dotted line. I want to go back to an

989
00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:38,960
Speaker 3: original point that I said, I think that marriage is

990
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:43,799
Speaker 3: actually the bottom of the commitment barrel. Oh, I think

991
00:45:43,840 --> 00:45:47,320
Speaker 3: it's well, I mean obviously not before a boyfriend, but

992
00:45:47,360 --> 00:45:48,839
Speaker 3: you know what I mean, like when we talk about

993
00:45:48,840 --> 00:45:53,560
Speaker 3: the hierarchy of commitment. If I have your child, I'm

994
00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:57,280
Speaker 3: gonna be around you for the next a minimum eighteen minimum.

995
00:45:57,320 --> 00:45:58,400
Speaker 2: And that's not even the truth.

996
00:45:58,520 --> 00:46:01,759
Speaker 3: There's college is married, is their marriage, it's you know

997
00:46:01,840 --> 00:46:05,480
Speaker 3: whatever whatever. Those kids are going right, right, So I

998
00:46:05,480 --> 00:46:08,680
Speaker 3: could do that, or we could just get married, not

999
00:46:08,719 --> 00:46:10,480
Speaker 3: have any kids, and then we could get divorced and

1000
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:14,279
Speaker 3: I never have to see you again after the proceedings, right,

1001
00:46:14,640 --> 00:46:16,720
Speaker 3: never have to see you again, never have to engage

1002
00:46:16,719 --> 00:46:18,400
Speaker 3: with you. If I can do it early enough, we

1003
00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:20,640
Speaker 3: can get this to know that it never even legally happened.

1004
00:46:21,360 --> 00:46:26,200
Speaker 3: So that idea of this commitment being so heavy again

1005
00:46:26,239 --> 00:46:29,320
Speaker 3: not you, but children not so much, is outraged. No,

1006
00:46:29,440 --> 00:46:31,239
Speaker 3: you're you're right, that's out I don't I do not

1007
00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:32,080
Speaker 3: understand the logical.

1008
00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:34,120
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, because I love everyone that I ended ship with,

1009
00:46:34,200 --> 00:46:36,160
Speaker 1: I ain't gotta see them again again.

1010
00:46:36,360 --> 00:46:38,680
Speaker 2: I mean, I gotta see somebody.

1011
00:46:38,760 --> 00:46:42,080
Speaker 5: You scared to beat a little spoon Oh, don't do that,

1012
00:46:42,440 --> 00:46:43,360
Speaker 5: I mean a little spooning.

1013
00:46:45,360 --> 00:46:48,640
Speaker 1: I mean, I just I just think I have my

1014
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:51,360
Speaker 1: kindness has been taken as a weakness, and I feel

1015
00:46:51,360 --> 00:46:55,480
Speaker 1: like I have become jaded over time, and I do

1016
00:46:55,600 --> 00:47:00,840
Speaker 1: view people in realizing that things change people, and I

1017
00:47:01,040 --> 00:47:03,399
Speaker 1: just now I have one life to live and I

1018
00:47:03,480 --> 00:47:05,160
Speaker 1: just kind of want to move forward with protecting that.

1019
00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:07,800
Speaker 1: And I think even with my ex boyfriend, with my

1020
00:47:07,920 --> 00:47:12,360
Speaker 1: last podcast, with all the things, I realized how lucky

1021
00:47:12,400 --> 00:47:15,240
Speaker 1: I am in comparison to my friends who are stuck

1022
00:47:15,239 --> 00:47:21,160
Speaker 1: with kids by themselves or stuck with other things, debt

1023
00:47:21,400 --> 00:47:24,000
Speaker 1: or because of the marriage, because of the kids.

1024
00:47:24,040 --> 00:47:26,680
Speaker 2: And I'm just like, yeah, don't want it, don't want it.

1025
00:47:26,680 --> 00:47:29,759
Speaker 2: It's too risky for you. I do want to say, now,

1026
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:34,320
Speaker 2: what did I change my mind? Or am I still

1027
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:38,480
Speaker 2: gonna be on my bullshit as always?

1028
00:47:38,520 --> 00:47:42,440
Speaker 1: I like to know after these conversations and me running

1029
00:47:42,480 --> 00:47:45,440
Speaker 1: off the my mind of my thoughts, where I land

1030
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:46,560
Speaker 1: still the same?

1031
00:47:47,440 --> 00:47:47,839
Speaker 2: Still same.

1032
00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:51,839
Speaker 1: So don't want to get married absolutely value though yes

1033
00:47:52,080 --> 00:47:54,799
Speaker 1: anyone that does. So, I do want to put that

1034
00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:59,000
Speaker 1: out there because there is a disgusting narrative that I

1035
00:47:59,120 --> 00:48:01,360
Speaker 1: run from people when the happy in relationships.

1036
00:48:02,640 --> 00:48:03,840
Speaker 2: So I want to be very clear.

1037
00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:09,000
Speaker 1: I've celebrated the marriage of my good friend last year.

1038
00:48:09,640 --> 00:48:11,399
Speaker 2: They were together ten years, but they did get married

1039
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:12,880
Speaker 2: in Vegas. They didn't want a big wedding.

1040
00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:15,920
Speaker 3: I got married in Vegas, So I mean that was

1041
00:48:15,920 --> 00:48:18,920
Speaker 3: like a little slur, But yeah, and.

1042
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:23,759
Speaker 1: I'm all here for union and partnership between two people

1043
00:48:23,800 --> 00:48:24,920
Speaker 1: who believe that.

1044
00:48:25,239 --> 00:48:27,640
Speaker 2: That risk is worth a reward for them.

1045
00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:30,440
Speaker 1: It's not for me, and I stand strong in that

1046
00:48:30,600 --> 00:48:33,160
Speaker 1: and where this is my opinion. I am not trying

1047
00:48:33,200 --> 00:48:35,239
Speaker 1: to convince you to agree with me. So I do

1048
00:48:35,320 --> 00:48:38,839
Speaker 1: have a question for y'all after our conversation, has your

1049
00:48:38,920 --> 00:48:40,240
Speaker 1: mind changed what the.

1050
00:48:40,120 --> 00:48:42,239
Speaker 2: Definition is for lasting love?

1051
00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:46,439
Speaker 1: Is it marriage or is it a different definition that's

1052
00:48:46,480 --> 00:48:49,520
Speaker 1: better suited for your life. I want y'all to share

1053
00:48:49,560 --> 00:48:52,920
Speaker 1: those answers in the comments over on our social media

1054
00:48:52,960 --> 00:48:56,120
Speaker 1: page and especially if you are on Patreon. I want

1055
00:48:56,120 --> 00:49:00,279
Speaker 1: to make sure this conversation is continued because specifically or

1056
00:49:00,440 --> 00:49:04,040
Speaker 1: successful women with breaking the mold as modern day women,

1057
00:49:05,600 --> 00:49:08,279
Speaker 1: where do we place the value on marriage and what

1058
00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:11,440
Speaker 1: do we see for ourselves we now have the opportunity

1059
00:49:11,680 --> 00:49:16,359
Speaker 1: to make those decisions and Alison, for those who's who

1060
00:49:16,360 --> 00:49:18,719
Speaker 1: has marriage as a decision they want to make, yes,

1061
00:49:19,200 --> 00:49:22,799
Speaker 1: where can they be coached and support you and see

1062
00:49:22,840 --> 00:49:23,319
Speaker 1: more from you?

1063
00:49:23,360 --> 00:49:25,319
Speaker 2: Because I know after they heard you get your shit off,

1064
00:49:25,480 --> 00:49:28,040
Speaker 2: they're like, Oh, I like this woman. I'm glad.

1065
00:49:28,440 --> 00:49:30,719
Speaker 3: So, folks, you can find me at a ligne with

1066
00:49:30,880 --> 00:49:35,080
Speaker 3: Alison on every platform. My website is aligned with Alison.

1067
00:49:35,160 --> 00:49:37,400
Speaker 3: That's one l dot com.

1068
00:49:37,560 --> 00:49:38,240
Speaker 2: All right, y'all.

1069
00:49:38,280 --> 00:49:43,279
Speaker 1: That information will also be in the description of this episode. Really,

1070
00:49:43,360 --> 00:49:47,959
Speaker 1: hope you guys enjoyed this conversation. Actually I really don't.

1071
00:49:48,040 --> 00:49:51,480
Speaker 2: I'm lying. I don't care or not. I don't like that.

1072
00:49:51,560 --> 00:49:53,160
Speaker 1: I just had a lot of y'all like that. You

1073
00:49:53,160 --> 00:49:55,680
Speaker 1: could hate it, you could love it either way. Are

1074
00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:58,080
Speaker 1: you choosing to be selectively ignorant?

1075
00:49:58,600 --> 00:50:01,400
Speaker 2: Or are you choosing to get edgec Katie, get with it.

1076
00:50:01,560 --> 00:50:04,359
Speaker 1: Can't wait to see you guys next week and hope

1077
00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:06,680
Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode or again I'm lye, I really

1078
00:50:06,680 --> 00:50:07,640
Speaker 1: don't care if you did or not.

1079
00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:08,959
Speaker 2: See y'all next week.

1080
00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:14,600
Speaker 4: Thanks for tuning in the selective ignorance of Mandy B.

1081
00:50:14,760 --> 00:50:17,960
Speaker 4: Selective ignorance it's executive produced by Mandy B. And it's

1082
00:50:17,960 --> 00:50:22,319
Speaker 4: a Full Court Media studio production with lead producers Jason Mondriguez.

1083
00:50:22,400 --> 00:50:25,160
Speaker 4: That's me and Aaron A. King Howard. Now, do us

1084
00:50:25,160 --> 00:50:28,560
Speaker 4: a favor and rate, subscribe, comment and share wherever you

1085
00:50:28,600 --> 00:50:31,680
Speaker 4: get your favorite podcast, and be sure to follow Selective

1086
00:50:31,719 --> 00:50:36,040
Speaker 4: Ignorance on Instagram at Selective Underscore Ignorance. And of course,

1087
00:50:36,080 --> 00:50:38,520
Speaker 4: if you're not following our hosts Mandy B, make sure

1088
00:50:38,520 --> 00:50:40,320
Speaker 4: you're following her at full Court Pumps.

1089
00:50:40,360 --> 00:50:41,200
Speaker 2: Now. If you want the full

1090
00:50:41,280 --> 00:50:44,400
Speaker 4: Video experience of Selective Ignorance, make sure you subscribe to

1091
00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:49,200
Speaker 4: the patreons patreon dot com backslash Selective Ignorance