1 00:00:00,320 --> 00:00:03,960 Speaker 1: Before we begin, please note this series includes talk of 2 00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:15,720 Speaker 1: suicide and sexual violence. Please take care while listening. It 3 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,200 Speaker 1: was it was just a strange turn of how it 4 00:00:18,239 --> 00:00:25,680 Speaker 1: all unfolded anothers right now. I know all the people 5 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:29,600 Speaker 1: feel difference. I'm just putting my feelings out there. This 6 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:36,720 Speaker 1: is a crazyness that we were told you can do it. 7 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:39,280 Speaker 1: It just didn't know a lot of things just didn't 8 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,320 Speaker 1: so some of the stuff I'm about to tell you, 9 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,600 Speaker 1: I mean, if you're pissed now, you're going to get 10 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:48,560 Speaker 1: even more piste off because I never knew anything and 11 00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:52,959 Speaker 1: you never said it's it's like for you to hear 12 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,480 Speaker 1: all of this, well else not what I want to hear, 13 00:00:56,520 --> 00:01:01,200 Speaker 1: but if it gil is what it is. Yeah, yeah, no, 14 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:19,319 Speaker 1: I'm not fine. Bullshit. Yeah. Shot from My Heart Radio. 15 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,959 Speaker 1: I'm Melissa Jolson and this is what happened to Sandy 16 00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:32,280 Speaker 1: Beale an I Heart original podcast, Chapter eight, Good Grief. 17 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:41,679 Speaker 1: The first time I went to Maine to meet with 18 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,560 Speaker 1: the Bell family. It was summer and the drive from 19 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:47,960 Speaker 1: the airport was lush and green. It was on this 20 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 1: trip when Ronnie, Sandy's youngest brother, asked me what I 21 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:55,320 Speaker 1: hoped to achieve with the podcast when Sandy's mother, Joanne, 22 00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:57,560 Speaker 1: gave me the coat her daughter was wearing on the 23 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,320 Speaker 1: night of her death, and when I first got real 24 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,720 Speaker 1: sense of Sandy as a person, the Sandy the family 25 00:02:03,760 --> 00:02:09,320 Speaker 1: described to me, she was fearless. Five months later, I 26 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:12,120 Speaker 1: flew back to Maine with my producer to see the 27 00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:15,640 Speaker 1: Bells in person again. It was late fall and the 28 00:02:15,680 --> 00:02:18,320 Speaker 1: trees were a mix of orange and brown and green. 29 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,240 Speaker 1: I was returning under different circumstances than my first trip. 30 00:02:22,919 --> 00:02:27,040 Speaker 1: This visit had a particular objective to observe and record 31 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:31,720 Speaker 1: an emergency family meeting that Kim had called. Kim wanted 32 00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:33,720 Speaker 1: to share with the Bells what she had come to 33 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:38,120 Speaker 1: believe was true that Sandy had died by suicide. The 34 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:41,160 Speaker 1: meeting was set to take place at Sandy's brother Steven's home. 35 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:45,320 Speaker 1: To set the scene, imagine a tidy ranch style house, 36 00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:50,040 Speaker 1: a kitchen teeming with food, two small dogs running around underfoot. 37 00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:57,280 Speaker 1: I arrived before the rest of the family and made 38 00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,880 Speaker 1: small talk with Stephen and his wife. Soon, Michael and 39 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:04,000 Speaker 1: his wife showed up with Joanne, who was wearing suede 40 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:08,480 Speaker 1: cowboy boots bedazzled with rhyan stones. We hugged, talked, about 41 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:12,680 Speaker 1: booster shots and COVID variants, and we waited together for 42 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:27,040 Speaker 1: Kim right I'm gone phoned in. I was like, Oh, 43 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:35,040 Speaker 1: this is really You can hear the nervousness in Kim's 44 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:38,960 Speaker 1: voice leading up to this meeting. She was really worried 45 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,280 Speaker 1: about how the Beals would respond to what she had 46 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,040 Speaker 1: to tell them. She didn't know if they'd see things 47 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,520 Speaker 1: her way, or if they'd reject her position and judge 48 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:54,160 Speaker 1: her for siding with the police. For decades, there's been 49 00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,160 Speaker 1: a collective story that they all agreed on around Sandy's 50 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:01,520 Speaker 1: death that whatever happened to Sandy, she hadn't died by suicide. 51 00:04:02,560 --> 00:04:05,480 Speaker 1: Kim had previously been part of the group, In fact, 52 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,840 Speaker 1: the leader of the group, the one pushing to reopen 53 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 1: Sandy's case, convinced that there was something there. Now, she 54 00:04:14,240 --> 00:04:16,919 Speaker 1: worried that she had blown Sandy's death up into something 55 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:21,039 Speaker 1: it wasn't and wasted their time, added extra pain to 56 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:25,120 Speaker 1: their suffering. She knew the Bills loved her and were 57 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:28,280 Speaker 1: appreciative of all her work, but there was a part 58 00:04:28,279 --> 00:04:30,520 Speaker 1: of her that was scared she would need to beg 59 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:35,080 Speaker 1: for their forgiveness. My notes are like I was really 60 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,040 Speaker 1: hoping that I'd have time to sit down and get 61 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:41,520 Speaker 1: really but it's it's just been too hard. It is, 62 00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:50,560 Speaker 1: do you have Within a few minutes of Kim's arrival, 63 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,799 Speaker 1: the group migrated into the living room and took seats 64 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:56,240 Speaker 1: around a boom mic that I had brought. It was 65 00:04:56,279 --> 00:05:00,839 Speaker 1: a strange dichonomy, the most intimate of conversations undertaken with 66 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:05,400 Speaker 1: the knowledge that everything was being recorded. Kim sat in 67 00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:08,640 Speaker 1: a large, pillowy recliner that seemed to swallow her frame. 68 00:05:09,279 --> 00:05:11,680 Speaker 1: Her feet didn't quite reach the floor, and she kept 69 00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:15,320 Speaker 1: readjusting her position, trying to get comfortable. I think that 70 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,040 Speaker 1: the answers that I'm going to give you today will 71 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:22,279 Speaker 1: naturally make that a closing place. Anyway, there are still 72 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:27,400 Speaker 1: some answers that need to happen, but I think as 73 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,520 Speaker 1: far as the story is concerned, it's shifted, and so 74 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,640 Speaker 1: I'm hoping that we get more information after this, and 75 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,240 Speaker 1: but we may not. So I just want to kind 76 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:38,360 Speaker 1: of share with you what we've uncovered in the past 77 00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:44,679 Speaker 1: few months since we saw you in June. Anyway, Armed 78 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:47,919 Speaker 1: with her notes, Kim began recounting her conversation with Bernie. 79 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,440 Speaker 1: She told them how she went in fighting with a 80 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:55,440 Speaker 1: head of steam, arguing and asking critical questions. She told 81 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:58,400 Speaker 1: the family how they discussed Sandy's efforts to become a 82 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:02,160 Speaker 1: police officer and ride alongs that she did, likely as 83 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:06,200 Speaker 1: part of an official Explorer program. And so I'm just 84 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:09,600 Speaker 1: listening and I said, well, what about the Explorers program. 85 00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 1: I'm like, so explained that. He said it was a 86 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:15,400 Speaker 1: way that we encouraged people in high school to come 87 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,640 Speaker 1: became cops seek for and they're having a hard time 88 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:21,160 Speaker 1: recruiting new police officers, so they were going to the 89 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:24,320 Speaker 1: high schools, hence the ride along program and the Explorers. 90 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:26,919 Speaker 1: And I'm like, so, you have a girl that wants 91 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,400 Speaker 1: to be a cop, and she's doing everything you guys 92 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:33,560 Speaker 1: asked her to do. She told them how Bernie acknowledged 93 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:37,520 Speaker 1: that there was likely serious sexual misconduct taking place, and 94 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:40,680 Speaker 1: how she was disarmed by his compassion and his frankness. 95 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:43,640 Speaker 1: He said, if I was on the watch, they would 96 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:47,080 Speaker 1: have all been terminated because I wouldn't have put up 97 00:06:47,080 --> 00:06:49,000 Speaker 1: with any of that. And I'm like, you know, if 98 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,279 Speaker 1: you you see all these questions that we have, everything 99 00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:54,200 Speaker 1: we've already talked about, no answers have been given. All 100 00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,120 Speaker 1: these different things that are discrepancies, and you can see 101 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,839 Speaker 1: from our point of view that we have questions. He's like, 102 00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:02,400 Speaker 1: I absolutely see from your point of view all of this, 103 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:07,000 Speaker 1: everything you're saying makes sense. I watched Kim as she 104 00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:11,200 Speaker 1: attempted to replicate her conversation with Bernie, trying to create 105 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,880 Speaker 1: the same conditions that had led to her own awakening. 106 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:18,440 Speaker 1: She spoke calmly and carefully, referring often to her notes, 107 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:21,200 Speaker 1: before she got to the piece of evidence that had 108 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:24,800 Speaker 1: clicked everything into place for her. To help them visualize 109 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:28,120 Speaker 1: the scene, she printed from the Internet a picture of 110 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:31,120 Speaker 1: an old Ford Pinto, just like the one Sandy used 111 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:35,760 Speaker 1: to drive. So if you look at this, this is 112 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:40,920 Speaker 1: the steering wheel, so it matches up if you were 113 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:43,880 Speaker 1: to brace it. There here you can pass that if 114 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,640 Speaker 1: you were to brace it. It's it just started feeling 115 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:50,560 Speaker 1: like making sense to me that that she did use 116 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,040 Speaker 1: that that's the only possible way that she could have 117 00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:56,320 Speaker 1: pulled that trigger, as if it was had support of something. 118 00:07:56,680 --> 00:07:58,600 Speaker 1: But when he said that the gunpotter was on the 119 00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 1: steering wheel and it was spray and back, and I'm like, 120 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,480 Speaker 1: he goes they He said, Kim, we can't we can't 121 00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:13,880 Speaker 1: deny the trajectory of this. When when he said the 122 00:08:13,880 --> 00:08:17,600 Speaker 1: there's gunpowder on the steering wheel, that was kind of like, 123 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:21,880 Speaker 1: that's kind of very futable. So it was almost like 124 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,600 Speaker 1: a an Aha moment, like a wake up call of 125 00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:34,959 Speaker 1: oh my god, that could possibly really be true. At 126 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:39,079 Speaker 1: this Kim pivoted away from the forensic evidence and started 127 00:08:39,120 --> 00:08:42,760 Speaker 1: speaking from her gut. She now had a new understanding 128 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,640 Speaker 1: of Sandy and her last month, and she shared this 129 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:49,480 Speaker 1: with the Beals, how she believed Sandy had been used 130 00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:52,559 Speaker 1: and abused by men in power, and how this had 131 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:56,719 Speaker 1: broken her. I think someone was there before. I think 132 00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,760 Speaker 1: she was alone then, And this is just my my 133 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:04,120 Speaker 1: knowing her and thinking through the situation. It's dark, it's 134 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:07,840 Speaker 1: twenty seven degrees outside, she just had sex with somebody. 135 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:12,040 Speaker 1: She's alone, she's trying to get out, and I think 136 00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:15,360 Speaker 1: the trying to get out was possibly the straw that 137 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,480 Speaker 1: broke the camel's back, and she just said fuck it. 138 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:23,040 Speaker 1: Joanne had been listening intently. Now she interrupted, I think 139 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:26,600 Speaker 1: you're right. I think the last hurrah was she was 140 00:09:26,679 --> 00:09:30,040 Speaker 1: trying to get out. Joanne's words they rushed out of 141 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:32,440 Speaker 1: her as though they had been waiting to be released. 142 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:37,040 Speaker 1: I think she just said a kid, she had already 143 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:40,720 Speaker 1: been rejected, she had already had the abortion. And I 144 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:44,720 Speaker 1: think the whole thing just blew up. And maybe I'm wrong, 145 00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:50,360 Speaker 1: and uh, I kept that tomorrow itself for a look. Now, 146 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,240 Speaker 1: I did not expect to hear Joanne agree with Kim 147 00:09:57,280 --> 00:10:00,720 Speaker 1: and acknowledge so openly that she believed if Sandy had 148 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:03,880 Speaker 1: died by suicide. And I got the sense that Kim 149 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:07,440 Speaker 1: had given her permission to say the hard part out loud, 150 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:12,439 Speaker 1: and that it came as a tremendous relief. The room 151 00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:15,800 Speaker 1: was quiet. Everyone seemed to be reflecting on the Sandy 152 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:19,240 Speaker 1: that they knew, each of them conjuring their own memory 153 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:22,280 Speaker 1: of Sandy and trying to square Kim's new story with 154 00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:27,719 Speaker 1: their own. And then Stephen broke the silence. Well, I'm 155 00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:33,560 Speaker 1: gonna be the man out. I dispute what the guy says. 156 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,839 Speaker 1: I'm flat asked the spear that I don't think she'd 157 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,720 Speaker 1: put the goddam gone on a steering oil. And yes, 158 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,079 Speaker 1: they can replicate it, they don't want to replicate it. 159 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,439 Speaker 1: I can put a man on a goddamn who and 160 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:47,959 Speaker 1: they could replicate that. I know I'm saying Sandy did 161 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:51,720 Speaker 1: not shoot herself. I'm gonna go to my freaking grave 162 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:56,960 Speaker 1: saying that. You know, and it's compelling. I'll give you that. 163 00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:00,160 Speaker 1: You know, the guys trying and I get that he's 164 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,880 Speaker 1: trying to be empathetic with our situation. But you know, 165 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:09,520 Speaker 1: I'm sorry he's selling. I ain't buy it. No Thick again, 166 00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:25,080 Speaker 1: I'm sorry. Sorry. Stephen left the room upset, but about 167 00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:29,880 Speaker 1: five minutes later he came back and rejoined his family. Uh, 168 00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,440 Speaker 1: trust me, in folks, I'm not trying to you know, 169 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:38,640 Speaker 1: it's nothing about anybody. I take issue with what it 170 00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:41,000 Speaker 1: is or trying to say. And you know, and I 171 00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:45,520 Speaker 1: understand if you know other people don't share my stance. 172 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:48,520 Speaker 1: I get it. You know this is something that I 173 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:51,000 Speaker 1: you're right there, I gotta graph with all my own 174 00:11:51,559 --> 00:11:56,640 Speaker 1: Right now, I don't see it yet. You know, maybe something, 175 00:11:56,679 --> 00:11:59,080 Speaker 1: it might take something, a little something else to make 176 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:02,120 Speaker 1: me see the light. You know, maybe I'm seeing what 177 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:05,160 Speaker 1: I want to see. I don't know. Could be, but 178 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,640 Speaker 1: right now I do not know. You're not going to 179 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:12,880 Speaker 1: convince me that she did it. As the family continued 180 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,960 Speaker 1: to talk, the sun streaming in the windows and filling 181 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,480 Speaker 1: the room with light. It felt as though I was 182 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,480 Speaker 1: seeing them shift and adjust their beliefs in real time, 183 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,840 Speaker 1: torn between two versions of an event that had to 184 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:29,160 Speaker 1: find their lives. Even Joanne, who had sounded so sure 185 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:34,360 Speaker 1: at first, vacillated returning back again to the police dug 186 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,600 Speaker 1: and all the sketchy behavior she witnessed in the aftermath 187 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:41,760 Speaker 1: of Sandy's death. Sometimes she seemed to travel this distance 188 00:12:42,040 --> 00:12:46,720 Speaker 1: between suicide and murder in the same breath. Stephen was 189 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:50,320 Speaker 1: the most vocal about his views, while his brothers Michael 190 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:54,840 Speaker 1: and Ronnie quietly contemplated the situation without giving much away. 191 00:12:55,600 --> 00:13:00,959 Speaker 1: They listened, nodded, winced at times, and then Ronnie spoke 192 00:13:01,040 --> 00:13:08,880 Speaker 1: up in his calm and reserved way, Well, you know, 193 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:16,480 Speaker 1: for forty four years and nine months, we've tried like 194 00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:21,160 Speaker 1: every scenario. Did she did, she not, she didn't, Why 195 00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:29,880 Speaker 1: she didn't, Who's responsible? We don't know. Then, I guess 196 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,920 Speaker 1: we're never gonna know. Even if somebody come forward today, 197 00:13:34,840 --> 00:13:39,040 Speaker 1: yeah I did it. No one's going to jail, especially 198 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:46,040 Speaker 1: an other than guys. Yeah, pops, right, Yeah, So in 199 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:50,480 Speaker 1: my mind, I think we've come to the end of 200 00:13:50,480 --> 00:14:09,560 Speaker 1: the room. When loves the girl I watched the Bills 201 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:12,920 Speaker 1: leave that meeting with Kim with a demanding task ahead. 202 00:14:13,559 --> 00:14:16,199 Speaker 1: They could choose to believe what Kim now believed, that 203 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,680 Speaker 1: Sandy died by suicide, or they could continue with the 204 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:23,200 Speaker 1: story they believed for decades, and I can understand why 205 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:27,480 Speaker 1: they take the latter route. Both stories were compelling, both 206 00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:31,360 Speaker 1: were possible, and the journey to replace a long held 207 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:35,480 Speaker 1: belief with something new and contradictory is not an easy one. 208 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:39,880 Speaker 1: I think that we faced this kind of crossroads many 209 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,760 Speaker 1: times in life, and we you know, again, we're given 210 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,680 Speaker 1: the choice between the safety of holding onto what we 211 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:51,960 Speaker 1: know or the ambiguity of releasing what we thought we 212 00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:56,960 Speaker 1: knew and reaching for something a little more adequate, recognizing 213 00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:01,600 Speaker 1: that that that process is not a comfortable one. Robert 214 00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:04,760 Speaker 1: Niemeyer is a professor of psychology at the University of 215 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:09,720 Speaker 1: Memphis and an authority on bereavement in grief. Well, of course, 216 00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:13,120 Speaker 1: this is a larger question that goes beyond grief and bereavement. 217 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:17,640 Speaker 1: We can hold onto our own views, sometimes almost in 218 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:21,640 Speaker 1: a kind of hostile stance of refusing to accept the 219 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:28,720 Speaker 1: alternative story, and that's the path of defensiveness and sameness 220 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:33,320 Speaker 1: and anger and resistance. But the other is the path 221 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:39,080 Speaker 1: of grieving, may be coming to terms with the reality 222 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:43,000 Speaker 1: of tragedy in life and the impermanence of love and 223 00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:49,360 Speaker 1: the ambiguity of of our position as human beings. Kim 224 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:52,280 Speaker 1: let go of what she had believed, and it was 225 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:55,600 Speaker 1: really painful. She told me that she felt as though 226 00:15:55,680 --> 00:16:00,560 Speaker 1: she was grieving Sandy's death all over again. For a family, 227 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:05,240 Speaker 1: I understood the cost of changing their minds to accept 228 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:09,120 Speaker 1: that Sandy had died by suicide required them to redefine 229 00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,920 Speaker 1: their understanding of her as a person and, by extension, 230 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:18,240 Speaker 1: their relationship to her. It often, especially in the case 231 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:23,400 Speaker 1: of traumatic loss, shakes up our assumptive world, as we 232 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,680 Speaker 1: call it. That whole world of assumptions about how life 233 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:30,080 Speaker 1: is or should be. Our sense of justice, our sense 234 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:33,280 Speaker 1: of control, our sense of the reality we thought we 235 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:36,880 Speaker 1: were living, or the reality of a loved one we 236 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:41,840 Speaker 1: thought we knew, can be deeply unsettling, as we have 237 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:46,360 Speaker 1: to essentially revise our life narrative, the story of who 238 00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:51,480 Speaker 1: we are and whose we are, in the context of 239 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:56,640 Speaker 1: often a significant and and and soul shattering loss. The 240 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:59,360 Speaker 1: dramatic thing for them, of course, is that they have 241 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:04,439 Speaker 1: experienced the shattering of their narrative, their story, not once, 242 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:09,359 Speaker 1: but twice, forty or four years apart. Robert explained to 243 00:17:09,359 --> 00:17:13,160 Speaker 1: me that grieving a suicide often brings up complicated feelings 244 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:17,760 Speaker 1: for families, such as guilt and anger the failure to 245 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:22,680 Speaker 1: protect or save that person, particularly if we are a parent, 246 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:26,800 Speaker 1: particularly if we are an older sibling, where we feel 247 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:31,640 Speaker 1: some duty of care toward this vulnerable person, and somehow 248 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:37,320 Speaker 1: we missed the signals. We we didn't have the you know, 249 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,840 Speaker 1: the deep understanding of what was happening for them at 250 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,600 Speaker 1: the time that might have led us to make a difference. 251 00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:46,480 Speaker 1: All of that is denied us, and so we're left 252 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:51,840 Speaker 1: with a struggle to realign the relationship with them, um 253 00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,440 Speaker 1: and to figure out how they fit into our lives. Now. 254 00:18:00,119 --> 00:18:03,920 Speaker 1: What I hope it brings though, is compassion of her 255 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:08,680 Speaker 1: as the young woman she was attempting to move into 256 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:11,760 Speaker 1: a life that had its own audacious and probably chaotic 257 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:19,560 Speaker 1: and likely complicated dimensions. Ironically, they have ended up having 258 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,679 Speaker 1: to sort out those complications for her in in a 259 00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:26,159 Speaker 1: proxy way as they attempt to make sense of her life, 260 00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:34,359 Speaker 1: maybe at a time that she herself could not making 261 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:37,760 Speaker 1: sense of Sandy and the complications she was struggling with. 262 00:18:38,359 --> 00:18:41,240 Speaker 1: Is what I've tried to do with this podcast and 263 00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:45,160 Speaker 1: the complications in Sandy's life, they had something in common. 264 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:49,720 Speaker 1: They all revolved around law enforcement, and so in a 265 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:55,760 Speaker 1: way did her death, which I think is telling. I 266 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:59,000 Speaker 1: found myself returning to a single page in Sandy's full 267 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:03,600 Speaker 1: police file where Detective Shosholski cataloged the evidence in Sandy's 268 00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:08,119 Speaker 1: car and specifically the items sitting on her dashboard. The 269 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:11,120 Speaker 1: items on her dash they all had to do with cops. 270 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:14,840 Speaker 1: There was the duty rig for carrying police equipment, a 271 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:18,840 Speaker 1: lone business card from a Pig County cop, clippings about 272 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:23,040 Speaker 1: police officers, presumably from a local newspaper, and a card 273 00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:27,399 Speaker 1: showing the shift's schedule. I thought it was strange that 274 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:31,000 Speaker 1: Sandy would store so many items, including a belt, on 275 00:19:31,080 --> 00:19:34,800 Speaker 1: her small dashboard. Wouldn't they fall down when she drove? 276 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:38,879 Speaker 1: As I read and re read this list, picturing the scene, 277 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:44,520 Speaker 1: I suddenly imagined Sandy placing the items there ceremoniously surrounding 278 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:49,400 Speaker 1: herself with police paraphernilia to make a statement. I had 279 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:52,800 Speaker 1: long been suspicious of the location of Sandy's death because 280 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,720 Speaker 1: of who hung out there. But I could now see 281 00:19:55,720 --> 00:20:00,760 Speaker 1: how the pollard might have been a symbolic choice by Sandy. Doug, 282 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:05,040 Speaker 1: the state trooper, the instructors and the Explorer program, and 283 00:20:05,119 --> 00:20:08,680 Speaker 1: the cops who called Shallski. I think a good many 284 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:12,680 Speaker 1: of them hurt Sandy. They took advantage of her youthful passion, 285 00:20:13,240 --> 00:20:18,159 Speaker 1: her blind ambition, and her desire for acceptance. As she 286 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,240 Speaker 1: wrote in her letter to Doug, I never want another 287 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,720 Speaker 1: man to ever want me. I just want to leave 288 00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:28,000 Speaker 1: and forget the pain. Sandy was looking for love and 289 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:32,919 Speaker 1: she found cruelty. The police they didn't have to murder 290 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:36,360 Speaker 1: Sandy to be complicit in her death, and I think 291 00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:38,760 Speaker 1: they deserve some of the blame for the loss of 292 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:46,600 Speaker 1: a teenage girl. I think there are people who know 293 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:49,680 Speaker 1: exactly what happened to Sandy. They just don't want to 294 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:52,399 Speaker 1: talk to me, And back then they didn't want to 295 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:55,159 Speaker 1: talk to the Bills either. To me, this is the 296 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:58,600 Speaker 1: tragic heart of the story. For all the questions, the 297 00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:02,399 Speaker 1: Bells had their people with answers, if any of the 298 00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:05,439 Speaker 1: police officers who knew Sandy had been brave enough to 299 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:08,920 Speaker 1: talk to the Bells, if Prince George's County police had 300 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,960 Speaker 1: launched a misconduct probe in the wake of Sandy's death 301 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:15,880 Speaker 1: and been transparent with her family. And if anyone had 302 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:19,000 Speaker 1: listened to the bills, really listened to what they had 303 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:22,480 Speaker 1: to say, then maybe forty five years of doubt and 304 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:27,480 Speaker 1: uncertainty might have been avoided. Maybe Sandy she could have 305 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:43,800 Speaker 1: been put to rest. In the weeks and months after 306 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,199 Speaker 1: we all gathered a main I reached out to the 307 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:48,760 Speaker 1: Bells periodically to check in on how they were doing. 308 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:52,199 Speaker 1: I was curious how they had processed the new information, 309 00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:55,520 Speaker 1: but I was also hyper aware that their capacity for 310 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,440 Speaker 1: an interest in discussing Sandy's case with me was coming 311 00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:03,960 Speaker 1: to a close. Us My investigation had found answers, but 312 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:07,960 Speaker 1: not the answers that they had necessarily wanted, since they 313 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,400 Speaker 1: were somewhat let down, although they never missed an opportunity 314 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:15,560 Speaker 1: to express gratitude for my work. Here's what Stephen had 315 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,480 Speaker 1: to say when I called him one afternoon. I'm just 316 00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:23,119 Speaker 1: going on with with life, really, I mean kind of 317 00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:30,160 Speaker 1: going status quote. I mean, was suation normal? Um, that's 318 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:33,720 Speaker 1: not it. I don't know what else to say. I 319 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:36,600 Speaker 1: know myself, I've always saw it all along and we're 320 00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:38,520 Speaker 1: never going to really get to the bottom of it. 321 00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,880 Speaker 1: And it was nice as you know, trying to get 322 00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:43,840 Speaker 1: to where we got now, which was which is good. 323 00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:49,920 Speaker 1: But uh, just it's for me. I'm always going to 324 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:54,840 Speaker 1: have questions and it's never gonna be really quite resolved 325 00:22:55,960 --> 00:23:00,520 Speaker 1: to my satisfaction. Kim's epiphany for meeting with Bernie, it 326 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:04,080 Speaker 1: hadn't really changed anything for him. I had those gut 327 00:23:04,119 --> 00:23:07,000 Speaker 1: feelings when you know, when you just kind of know something, 328 00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:12,000 Speaker 1: you know what I mean, I'm looking at through jaded eyes. Maya, 329 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:16,560 Speaker 1: I'm so jaded, you know, I need to look at 330 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:19,240 Speaker 1: it through a different lens. Does that make any sense? 331 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:25,280 Speaker 1: When I reached Michael, the oldest of the Bill brothers, 332 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,679 Speaker 1: he agreed with Stephen and told me he still has 333 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:32,520 Speaker 1: significant questions about the gun. So you still you still 334 00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:37,560 Speaker 1: believe that probably someone else does involved. Sure, I certainly do. 335 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,960 Speaker 1: The police. Uh they're pretty good, you know, they can 336 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,480 Speaker 1: they can dig sh it up, and they can they 337 00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:47,720 Speaker 1: can bury stuff. So I'm sure there's a lot of 338 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:52,280 Speaker 1: stuff that's buried. No one's gonna know about it. Ronnie, 339 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:55,000 Speaker 1: the youngest of the Bills, he just wanted to put 340 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:58,760 Speaker 1: the whole thing behind him. He's getting married soon, starting 341 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:01,439 Speaker 1: a new chapter of his life. If he doesn't want 342 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:04,720 Speaker 1: to go there anymore, Like you said in the meeting, 343 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:13,040 Speaker 1: he considers at the end of the road. I came 344 00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:16,800 Speaker 1: to understand through my conversations with the brothers that it 345 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:19,680 Speaker 1: was very possible the family would be living with these 346 00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:24,200 Speaker 1: conflicting stories of Sandy's death and therefore her life forever, 347 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:28,480 Speaker 1: and maybe that was all right. Well, we've seen over 348 00:24:28,560 --> 00:24:32,680 Speaker 1: and over now really twenty five years of search, the 349 00:24:32,720 --> 00:24:38,240 Speaker 1: majority of people are resilient to almost anything. George Banano 350 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:42,879 Speaker 1: is a psychologist at Columbia University. His research focuses on 351 00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:46,919 Speaker 1: how human beings coped with bereavement, loss, and other potentially 352 00:24:46,960 --> 00:24:50,720 Speaker 1: traumatic events. You know, everybody's moved on and lived their lives, 353 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,359 Speaker 1: you know, and it's now a person four decades in 354 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,720 Speaker 1: the past who they loved or who they had complex 355 00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,320 Speaker 1: relationships with, and now they have a kind of a 356 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:04,359 Speaker 1: a very complicated story about that person. But you know, 357 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:08,600 Speaker 1: there's probably enough distance that they can probably say, Okay, well, 358 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,679 Speaker 1: you know, we'll maybe hold both of these But you know, 359 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:13,639 Speaker 1: I don't think it would be as crucial or as 360 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,080 Speaker 1: critical and their wet to their well being to have 361 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:19,439 Speaker 1: a clear picture anymore in a sense, the need to 362 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:23,840 Speaker 1: have them reconciled as maybe long past. George's research has 363 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:27,280 Speaker 1: found that most people possess a natural resilience to trauma 364 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:32,520 Speaker 1: and loss. The person is able to, uh, you know, concentrate, laugh, 365 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:35,960 Speaker 1: do what they need to do, um, take care of 366 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,840 Speaker 1: people they love, and be cared for by people they love, 367 00:25:39,040 --> 00:25:42,800 Speaker 1: and they love them, you know, be close, have intimate interactions, 368 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,919 Speaker 1: and they you know, they're able to experience joy, and 369 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,119 Speaker 1: they're able to experience pain, and they're able to be 370 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:52,679 Speaker 1: to think about other things, um and and they simply 371 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:56,600 Speaker 1: continue on with their life. They don't forget the person. 372 00:25:56,640 --> 00:26:00,359 Speaker 1: They just you know, continue living the life in the present. 373 00:26:01,960 --> 00:26:04,879 Speaker 1: And if you think about it, I mean, beings have 374 00:26:04,920 --> 00:26:07,480 Speaker 1: been around for a long time and we've thrived all 375 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:10,600 Speaker 1: over the planet, and we've always been able to keep 376 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:19,520 Speaker 1: moving on and keep going. That's just human nature. Kim 377 00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,080 Speaker 1: has moved houses since she visited the Beals in Maine, 378 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:26,240 Speaker 1: resettling in a country home halfway between Houston and Austin. 379 00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:30,360 Speaker 1: Being in the country has helped, she said. The blue 380 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:33,919 Speaker 1: bonnets and wild flowers are out the trees outside her 381 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:38,159 Speaker 1: house are over three years old. She keeps a photo 382 00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:41,000 Speaker 1: of Sandy on her desk, but she's put her files 383 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:44,040 Speaker 1: about the case out of sight in a closet, still 384 00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:46,760 Speaker 1: close enough to access if she needs them, but not 385 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,080 Speaker 1: lining the walls of her bedroom like they used to 386 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,680 Speaker 1: Sandy's case. It's been a source of consistency in her 387 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:57,560 Speaker 1: life for decades, something to focus her boundless energy on, 388 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:03,280 Speaker 1: give her purpose, and now she considers it over. She's 389 00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:07,520 Speaker 1: let go for the most part. She has answers, though 390 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:10,760 Speaker 1: she says she still needs to find closure. She wants 391 00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:13,560 Speaker 1: to go back to the Pollard and have a ceremony 392 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:21,480 Speaker 1: there to say goodbye before the family meeting. One of 393 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:26,440 Speaker 1: Kim's biggest concerns was disappointing Joanne. She feared that spending 394 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:30,800 Speaker 1: all those years investigating the case had prolonged Joanne's pain 395 00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:33,800 Speaker 1: and stood in the way of healing. It's been a 396 00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:39,080 Speaker 1: long time, hasn't it fighting? It's a long time fighting it. Yeah, 397 00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:44,800 Speaker 1: So I'm I'm most concerned mostly about you. I've had 398 00:27:44,840 --> 00:27:47,240 Speaker 1: a few weeks to process it, and I'm still struggling 399 00:27:47,280 --> 00:27:51,760 Speaker 1: with it. So just grieving, you know, I know what 400 00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:56,000 Speaker 1: you mean. I was just telling I think it was Melissa, 401 00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:58,960 Speaker 1: that this might be the last sit in that I 402 00:27:59,040 --> 00:28:01,920 Speaker 1: might sit in. It depends on how I feel at 403 00:28:01,920 --> 00:28:06,040 Speaker 1: the time, you know, because it drums everything back up. 404 00:28:06,119 --> 00:28:12,520 Speaker 1: It's hard and it's hot, and that's why it is. 405 00:28:14,119 --> 00:28:17,879 Speaker 1: But the journey it had bonded the two women. I 406 00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:21,479 Speaker 1: got the sense that Joanne was profoundly touched by the 407 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:24,800 Speaker 1: years that Kim had spent in service to Sandy. She 408 00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:27,960 Speaker 1: was trying to hold people accountable, and she had kept 409 00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:32,399 Speaker 1: Sandy's memory alive. We've come a long way with this. 410 00:28:33,119 --> 00:28:37,920 Speaker 1: You have dog and dog and dog and dog. There's 411 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:40,680 Speaker 1: been many things that I have thought of and thought 412 00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:47,480 Speaker 1: of and and just like we all have questions, but 413 00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:51,040 Speaker 1: we'll probably never get all the answers. We've had a lot, 414 00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:59,400 Speaker 1: We've learned a lot. I understand why the bills still 415 00:28:59,440 --> 00:29:03,760 Speaker 1: have questions, because I do too. There's still so much 416 00:29:03,800 --> 00:29:07,320 Speaker 1: unknown about the network of police officers whose phone number 417 00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:10,840 Speaker 1: Sandy wrote down in her address books, police officers who 418 00:29:10,840 --> 00:29:13,360 Speaker 1: took her on ride alongs and drove her home at 419 00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:16,960 Speaker 1: night after hanging out at the FOP lodge. But I'm 420 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:19,040 Speaker 1: pretty sure I know how she felt when she died. 421 00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:22,480 Speaker 1: Because she wrote about it. I've reread her note to 422 00:29:22,560 --> 00:29:27,040 Speaker 1: Dug many times, and what's clear is how alone, used 423 00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:30,480 Speaker 1: and powerless she felt. It's a stark reversal from where 424 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:33,760 Speaker 1: she was when she began policing, described by her friends 425 00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:39,920 Speaker 1: and family as strong, ambitious, and secure. The main criticism 426 00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:42,800 Speaker 1: I've heard about my podcast is that it's anti cop, 427 00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:46,720 Speaker 1: that if a team girl was victimized in an Explorer 428 00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:50,080 Speaker 1: program that was in the nineties seventies and doesn't reflect 429 00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:52,800 Speaker 1: on what's happening now. But I want to tell you 430 00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:57,320 Speaker 1: about another Sandy. Sandra Burchmore died by suicide during the 431 00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:02,320 Speaker 1: pandemic while pregnant, allegedly with the child of a married 432 00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:06,080 Speaker 1: older cop who was an instructor in the Explorer program 433 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:10,360 Speaker 1: she had attended. A misconduct probe launched in the wake 434 00:30:10,440 --> 00:30:13,880 Speaker 1: of her death has resulted in the resignation of one officer, 435 00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:19,560 Speaker 1: with two others placed unpaid leave. I think there are many, 436 00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:23,080 Speaker 1: many more Sandy's out there, girls and women who have 437 00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:27,440 Speaker 1: been sexualized, mistreated, and eaten up by a police culture 438 00:30:27,520 --> 00:30:39,680 Speaker 1: where masculinity reigns. Sandy wasn't an anomaly, Joanne. She still 439 00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:43,760 Speaker 1: has questions. She still hopes that Sandy Sheridan will come forward. 440 00:30:44,680 --> 00:30:46,800 Speaker 1: She still believes that Doug was in the pollard the 441 00:30:46,920 --> 00:30:49,960 Speaker 1: night Sandy died. She even had a dream about him 442 00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:53,040 Speaker 1: recently where she confronted him outside a courthouse and gave 443 00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:56,600 Speaker 1: him a piece of her mind. But ultimately she's come 444 00:30:56,640 --> 00:31:00,760 Speaker 1: to accept the possibility that Sandy died by suicide. She 445 00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:04,360 Speaker 1: thinks that Sandy was consumed by hurt and felt as 446 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:07,120 Speaker 1: though she had no one to turn to, and she 447 00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:10,400 Speaker 1: blames the police for putting her daughter in this position. 448 00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:15,040 Speaker 1: Thinking back to when Sandy died, the worst part was 449 00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:18,720 Speaker 1: the not knowing, she said, having only the fragments of 450 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:21,760 Speaker 1: Sandy's story and not being able to put them together 451 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:26,080 Speaker 1: in a way that made any sense. Today, she's learned 452 00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:29,720 Speaker 1: how to live with them, not knowing, the lingering ambiguity, 453 00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:33,080 Speaker 1: the unanswered questions. She's found a way to put all 454 00:31:33,120 --> 00:31:37,080 Speaker 1: that to the side, diffuse it of its power. Maybe 455 00:31:37,080 --> 00:31:40,240 Speaker 1: she wasn't supposed to know everything, she said, It's just 456 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:46,680 Speaker 1: how it is, and she's at peace. So anyway, it 457 00:31:46,840 --> 00:31:55,840 Speaker 1: was a hard time, and I don't know, we've been 458 00:31:55,840 --> 00:31:59,760 Speaker 1: through enough a lot in this family. I say the 459 00:32:00,160 --> 00:32:02,400 Speaker 1: Lord was good to me to give me a life 460 00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:05,680 Speaker 1: to live this long. I waited two pounds and three 461 00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:08,920 Speaker 1: ounces at birth. They told my mother and father I 462 00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:13,920 Speaker 1: wouldn't live twenty four hours. And here I am Eddie too. 463 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:19,360 Speaker 1: Joanne hopes she'll see Sandy in heaven, but for now, 464 00:32:19,840 --> 00:32:22,960 Speaker 1: she's put the whole thing in a good place. She 465 00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:28,000 Speaker 1: needed to. She's a fighter, always has been, but it 466 00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:31,000 Speaker 1: was time for her to stop. Well, Honey, I've got 467 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:37,600 Speaker 1: to let you go. Okay? What Happened to Sandy Beale 468 00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:41,400 Speaker 1: is hosted by Me Melissa Johnson. It's written and produced 469 00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:44,960 Speaker 1: by me and Katrina Norvell. The podcast is edited by 470 00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:49,840 Speaker 1: Aboo Safar, sound designed by Aaron Kaufman. Jason English is 471 00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:54,760 Speaker 1: our executive producer. Research and production assistance by Merissa Brown. 472 00:32:56,240 --> 00:33:01,960 Speaker 1: Special thanks to Duncan Radell, Bethan Macaluso, Nikki Etre, and 473 00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:07,320 Speaker 1: Pete Monica. To find out more about my investigation, follow 474 00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:11,840 Speaker 1: me on Twitter at quasimato. That's qu A s I 475 00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:12,960 Speaker 1: M A d o