1 00:00:01,720 --> 00:00:05,560 Speaker 1: Dear Alana has released weekly and brought to you absolutely free. 2 00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:08,039 Speaker 1: But if you want to binge the whole season right now, 3 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:12,200 Speaker 1: subscribe to tenderfoot Plus at tenderfootplus dot com or on 4 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:16,240 Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts. You also get exclusive bonus episodes throughout the season. 5 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:21,720 Speaker 1: For more information, check out the show notes. Enjoy the episode. 6 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:27,800 Speaker 2: The following episode contains references to suicide. If you or 7 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:30,520 Speaker 2: someone you know is in need of help, please contact 8 00:00:30,520 --> 00:00:33,560 Speaker 2: the Suicide in Crisis Lifeline by dialing nine to eight eight. 9 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:35,959 Speaker 2: Listener discretion is advised. 10 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,919 Speaker 3: Delier Guy. 11 00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:52,199 Speaker 2: Douausie. 12 00:00:55,000 --> 00:01:00,520 Speaker 4: He lolla. I get there to the emergency hero there's 13 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:04,640 Speaker 4: a couple of nuns and then there's father Peter on 14 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:14,080 Speaker 4: his knees praying over Elana. She's crying and I'm just stunned. 15 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:24,000 Speaker 4: I'm like, what the hell is going on here? And 16 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:26,160 Speaker 4: I said I need to be alone with my daughter 17 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:31,160 Speaker 4: and someone asked her, is that okay, Alana? And I'm 18 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:34,559 Speaker 4: like what? And then she said yes, and they left. 19 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 5: Lomas look at Alma Sa. 20 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:43,360 Speaker 4: And I was like, Alana, what is going on? You know? 21 00:01:44,040 --> 00:01:46,200 Speaker 4: Is this true? They're saying you're suicidal? Like what? I 22 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:51,920 Speaker 4: don't I don't I was in shock and she just said, yes, Mom, 23 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:54,840 Speaker 4: it's true, and I just I lost it. I was like, 24 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,240 Speaker 4: I was so shocked. 25 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:02,800 Speaker 1: From Tenderfoot TV. I'm Simon and fun and this is 26 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:10,640 Speaker 1: Dear Alana, Part six defiled. 27 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:18,320 Speaker 4: They were there every day, the nuns all day pretty much, 28 00:02:18,320 --> 00:02:20,400 Speaker 4: and we couldn't. We only had an hour to visit, 29 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:25,359 Speaker 4: you know, five of us. And I asked the hospital 30 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:30,480 Speaker 4: and they said they're clergy, they can do that. I 31 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,920 Speaker 4: just remember the first day she had visiting hours. I 32 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,760 Speaker 4: went there and she was crying so much. 33 00:02:36,360 --> 00:02:39,720 Speaker 1: Alana wasn't talking, and Joyce does not know what to do. 34 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:44,240 Speaker 1: Her daughter was suicidal, the daughter that she thought was 35 00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:47,800 Speaker 1: out of all her kids, doing the best. Sure, Alana 36 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:52,240 Speaker 1: had some teenage growing pains the sexuality question, but she 37 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:57,000 Speaker 1: had so many good friends from Frisbee and a supportive family. Dazed, 38 00:02:57,200 --> 00:03:00,000 Speaker 1: Joyce rushes home and goes through Alana's bedrooms. 39 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,160 Speaker 4: I got anything out of her room that was sharp, 40 00:03:04,200 --> 00:03:06,320 Speaker 4: and she had all these tools from architecture. 41 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:10,400 Speaker 1: As she's safety proofing the room, Joyce stumbles across a 42 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:14,480 Speaker 1: stack of notebooks Alana's journals. Not one to snoop normally, 43 00:03:14,919 --> 00:03:17,800 Speaker 1: Joyce feels she has to make an exception to begin 44 00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:19,120 Speaker 1: to find answers. 45 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:24,119 Speaker 4: I read all the journals that I found, and I, 46 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,080 Speaker 4: like Sophia, would come home every day and I'd be 47 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:30,200 Speaker 4: hysterically crying, and she said, Mom, this isn't helping. And 48 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,240 Speaker 4: because I never I just was in shocked too. I 49 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:35,640 Speaker 4: didn't know any of this. 50 00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:40,520 Speaker 1: It was surprise after surprise. She reads about Father Dave 51 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:45,560 Speaker 1: and Father Peter, their ongoing spiritual advice, about Alana's intense 52 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,920 Speaker 1: love for God, and for the first time she comes 53 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:52,920 Speaker 1: across entries like this one, which Joyce has bookmarked. She 54 00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:54,720 Speaker 1: shows it to me as I sit in her kitchen. 55 00:03:57,360 --> 00:04:01,200 Speaker 4: December eighth, Thursday. How I feel, what I hear? How 56 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:10,200 Speaker 4: I see? I am a failure, moral failure, obsessed, addicted, selfish, starving, impure, disordered, 57 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:19,080 Speaker 4: messed up, repeating, lustful thoughts, lonely, incomplete, empty, wasteful, useless, sensitive, prideful, 58 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:24,160 Speaker 4: self seeking, praise seeking, desperate for love and affection, Unable 59 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:27,960 Speaker 4: to receive true love, closed off to truth, no one 60 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:30,880 Speaker 4: to talk to, no one to understand, can't make eye 61 00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:34,640 Speaker 4: contact with Mom or anyone. Just want it to end 62 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:37,960 Speaker 4: to be fixed. I don't know the way out it 63 00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:42,000 Speaker 4: is too much to bear, can't stay pure for one hour? 64 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:45,400 Speaker 4: Too much shame? Just watch TV or music, drown out, 65 00:04:45,839 --> 00:04:49,440 Speaker 4: Feel too much, don't know how I feel, think too much, 66 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:52,680 Speaker 4: don't know what I'm thinking? Time to reach out? Where 67 00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:53,239 Speaker 4: do I reach? 68 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:05,359 Speaker 1: A picture of deep shame was emerging from Milana's journals, 69 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,880 Speaker 1: but there were earlier clues that had escaped anyone's radar, 70 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,400 Speaker 1: including an incident almost a year earlier. 71 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:16,400 Speaker 6: I remember a year prior, at the dinner table at Christmas. 72 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:18,760 Speaker 1: This is her younger sister, Sophia. Again. 73 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,719 Speaker 6: I had noticed these markings on her arm and I 74 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,760 Speaker 6: was like, Alana, what's that? At the whole dinner too, 75 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,799 Speaker 6: and she was like, Sophia. 76 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:30,599 Speaker 1: Stop, Like Alana tries to hide the cuts below her 77 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:32,000 Speaker 1: left shoulder from her sister. 78 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,279 Speaker 6: I thought she had branded herself, like something stupid she 79 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:38,520 Speaker 6: had done with her friends or something, but it wasn't. 80 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,560 Speaker 1: That at all, and they quickly excused themselves from the table. 81 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:42,520 Speaker 3: She brought me. 82 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:47,359 Speaker 6: Upstairs and Salana, what is that? And I was like, 83 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:50,240 Speaker 6: did you brand yourself? Did you do this to yourself? 84 00:05:50,279 --> 00:05:52,599 Speaker 6: I was like, what did you do? She was like, 85 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:56,479 Speaker 6: you can't tell anyone, But we still wasn't something we 86 00:05:56,560 --> 00:06:02,400 Speaker 6: ever talked about. I can't you to see that. 87 00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:08,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, Joyce is showing me a page in one of 88 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:11,719 Speaker 1: Alana's journals. It's unlike any of the others. It's an 89 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:15,760 Speaker 1: ink drying with sharp barbs and wild scribbles surrounding seven 90 00:06:15,839 --> 00:06:23,120 Speaker 1: giant letters D E F, I, L ED defiled. This 91 00:06:23,279 --> 00:06:25,440 Speaker 1: is what Alana had cut into her arm. 92 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:33,240 Speaker 5: There's a lot to say, Jesus, I don't know where 93 00:06:33,279 --> 00:06:40,440 Speaker 5: to begin. I'm hurting so much. I'm stressed because of school, 94 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,920 Speaker 5: and I don't know who I can trust and who 95 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:48,960 Speaker 5: I can be vulnerable with. I just drink poison looking 96 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:58,239 Speaker 5: up how to have sex with women. Jesus, Jesus, I 97 00:06:58,279 --> 00:07:03,960 Speaker 5: took a blade and carved the word defiled into my arm. 98 00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:09,480 Speaker 1: Alana was tormented by where her same sex attractions were 99 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:10,120 Speaker 1: leading her. 100 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:14,160 Speaker 5: I don't remember everything that happened when I cut myself. 101 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:18,920 Speaker 5: I know it was late at night. I was in 102 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:26,240 Speaker 5: my room, the lamp was on. I felt hopeless, every 103 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:32,760 Speaker 5: exhale dragging me down. I needed a release, something to 104 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:38,120 Speaker 5: take this draining feeling away. I don't know how I 105 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:43,360 Speaker 5: thought of that word defiled. I felt like my body 106 00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:49,160 Speaker 5: was stained, covered in filth, that's what the voices told me. 107 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:55,920 Speaker 5: That I had sinned, that I was irrepairable, I had 108 00:07:55,960 --> 00:08:01,360 Speaker 5: profaned the temple, I had taken God's gift and squandered it. 109 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:08,119 Speaker 5: I wanted to punish myself. I wanted to make it real. 110 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:15,600 Speaker 4: It's just like, it's like it's so wrong, it's so 111 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:19,840 Speaker 4: insane and unfair. It be like she was so good 112 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:23,920 Speaker 4: and then you get this from what Like It's like, 113 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:31,120 Speaker 4: what kind of God do they teach about? I don't know, Simon. 114 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:33,920 Speaker 4: I want to, like, I really want to go there 115 00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:42,880 Speaker 4: and confront them because I feel like I didn't know 116 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:46,880 Speaker 4: all this time this was going on, like this young life, 117 00:08:47,120 --> 00:08:50,360 Speaker 4: this is what half of it was. It kills me. 118 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:51,320 Speaker 7: I don't know. 119 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,920 Speaker 4: I like, this is where I go. I have to 120 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:53,679 Speaker 4: do something and. 121 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:05,000 Speaker 1: Ool I can hear Joyce's agitation. She wants to do something, 122 00:09:05,559 --> 00:09:08,120 Speaker 1: confront the people who planted these seeds of shame in 123 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:12,440 Speaker 1: her daughter. But religion is complicated. We often find both 124 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:16,360 Speaker 1: shame and comfort from the same ancient faith, as Alana 125 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 1: clearly did. After a week in the hospital, Alana returns home. 126 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:26,040 Speaker 1: She withdraws from the fall semester at CU and her 127 00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:28,600 Speaker 1: mother seeks out additional help my. 128 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:33,480 Speaker 6: Mom my full mama bear mode and was taken care of. 129 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:38,400 Speaker 1: The situation after many nights. Researching online, Joyce discovers an 130 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:43,680 Speaker 1: inpatient treatment facility specializing in depression and anxiety recovery. It's 131 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:47,840 Speaker 1: in Tennessee, and Alana agrees to go. The admission notes, 132 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,520 Speaker 1: which we were only able to obtain after her death, 133 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:54,920 Speaker 1: are telling. I begin to read through the report. Name 134 00:09:55,040 --> 00:10:00,240 Speaker 1: client prefers to be called Alana Chen Chief complaint. 135 00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:07,880 Speaker 5: Sexual addiction, depression, suicidal. 136 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:10,800 Speaker 1: Thoughts, spiritual and religious background. 137 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:15,920 Speaker 5: Please describe When I was thirteen, I experienced a mystical thing. 138 00:10:16,840 --> 00:10:20,520 Speaker 5: I was in confession about the sexual addiction and it 139 00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:23,280 Speaker 5: was taken away from me for like years. 140 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:29,200 Speaker 1: What is the client's sexual orientation homosexual? Does the client 141 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:31,720 Speaker 1: have any concerns about her sexuality? 142 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:37,600 Speaker 5: I'm really Catholic, so my beliefs I'm always in conflict. 143 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:43,079 Speaker 1: Has the client experienced other events that were abusive or traumatic? 144 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:47,199 Speaker 5: I think my parents fighting all the time was pretty traumatic. 145 00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:51,079 Speaker 5: We lived in constant fear they were going to get 146 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:51,600 Speaker 5: a divorce. 147 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:55,920 Speaker 1: How does the client perceive these experiences have affected her? 148 00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:00,160 Speaker 5: I always wanted to be the peacemaker because I didn't 149 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,240 Speaker 5: want them to get divorced. I felt like it was 150 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:08,439 Speaker 5: my responsibility for everything to be okay. Like if I 151 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,880 Speaker 5: was there, then I felt like the fighting would stop. 152 00:11:12,840 --> 00:11:15,640 Speaker 1: What is the client's motivation level for recovery? 153 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:17,440 Speaker 5: Three out of ten? 154 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:21,080 Speaker 1: What is motivating the client for treatment? 155 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:27,720 Speaker 5: If if I don't get better, I will kill myself. 156 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:42,600 Speaker 1: Alana is admitted for recurrent and severe depression and self harm. 157 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,520 Speaker 1: She spends the next three months at the treatment facility, 158 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,959 Speaker 1: where she gets a range of targeted, evidence based therapies, 159 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:54,600 Speaker 1: including dialectical behavioral therapy to reduce her suicidality, group therapy, 160 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:58,080 Speaker 1: and adventure therapy. At the nearby state park. She goes 161 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 1: to classes on nutrition and mindfulness, and even spends time 162 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:06,040 Speaker 1: with horses. One weekend, the treatment facility invites Alana's family 163 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,600 Speaker 1: to come in for a visit. Alana seems to be 164 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:12,679 Speaker 1: making progress and her family is excited to see her. Carissa, 165 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:16,439 Speaker 1: her older sister, remembers the significance of this time because 166 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:18,640 Speaker 1: that's when Alana came out to her. 167 00:12:19,679 --> 00:12:22,000 Speaker 8: I guess I was hopeful that, like as she was 168 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:24,680 Speaker 8: telling me and her family that she was feeling open 169 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:29,920 Speaker 8: and starting, that she could start to live into who 170 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:33,080 Speaker 8: she really was. To me, it's like, oh, you're gay. 171 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:33,480 Speaker 9: Be gay. 172 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,200 Speaker 8: Drop all the church stuff, like forget about it. Leave 173 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:39,520 Speaker 8: that world. Like they don't love you or see you 174 00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:41,560 Speaker 8: for who you are, then who cares? 175 00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:47,000 Speaker 1: Meanwhile, Joyce still feels in the dark. Alana's mainly confiding 176 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:50,840 Speaker 1: in her friends back home, particularly her church community, and 177 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:53,680 Speaker 1: Joyce reaches out to the Saint Tom's crowd to ask 178 00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:57,640 Speaker 1: them to give Alana some space, But from Alana's treatment notes, 179 00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,960 Speaker 1: this actually has the opposite effect. 180 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:04,920 Speaker 5: I'm considering placing some serious limitations on my mother. Every 181 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,599 Speaker 5: time I tell her anything, she blames and tries to 182 00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:11,200 Speaker 5: change my belief system. Every suggestion she makes to me, 183 00:13:11,280 --> 00:13:15,120 Speaker 5: she's trying to change my belief system. My belief system 184 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:17,520 Speaker 5: is one of the most core parts of my identity, 185 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,600 Speaker 5: and I can't surround myself with people that don't accept 186 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,280 Speaker 5: me without trying to change me. 187 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:25,920 Speaker 1: As I read her journal entries from this time and treatment, 188 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:29,920 Speaker 1: I'm struck by the irony of the situation. Alana's frustrated 189 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,640 Speaker 1: with her mother. She feels like she's the one who 190 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:36,120 Speaker 1: doesn't understand or accept her, not the church community that 191 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:39,079 Speaker 1: she's gone to such great lengths to try to change herself. 192 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:42,920 Speaker 1: For from Joyce's perspective, the contact with Father Dave and 193 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,320 Speaker 1: the sisters needs to stop. Something's not right about the 194 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,680 Speaker 1: level of influence they're having over her. But for Alana, 195 00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:52,280 Speaker 1: it's her church that seems to provide a locus of 196 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,520 Speaker 1: stability for her while she's in treatment. 197 00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:59,760 Speaker 5: I think the prozac is keeping me alive. The only 198 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,160 Speaker 5: thing I care about right now are these nuns that 199 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:07,080 Speaker 5: I'm friends with. They love me, they don't get scared 200 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:11,720 Speaker 5: of my emotions and problems. They make me laugh, they 201 00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:13,200 Speaker 5: don't judge me. 202 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,960 Speaker 1: It's one am, and just as I'm about to fall asleep, 203 00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:32,480 Speaker 1: my heart starts racing and I'm jolted up. This has 204 00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:38,600 Speaker 1: never happened to me. I feel oddly afraid, but of why. 205 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:42,560 Speaker 1: I'm safe in my bed. My dog is lying next 206 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:46,640 Speaker 1: to me and there's no noise that startled me. It 207 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,720 Speaker 1: happens like this for the next few hours until I 208 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:54,840 Speaker 1: manage to doze off, exhausted. I've never had a panic 209 00:14:54,840 --> 00:15:01,000 Speaker 1: attack before in my life. After months spent researching conversion therapy, 210 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:05,800 Speaker 1: re listening to talks, reading Alana's journals, I've been feeling 211 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:09,280 Speaker 1: a lot of emotions coming back. I thought I'd moved 212 00:15:09,280 --> 00:15:12,120 Speaker 1: on from this time in my life, like I'm reading 213 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:15,160 Speaker 1: a story about my past, but a part of me 214 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,960 Speaker 1: still feels attached to these ideas, and I feel jumpy 215 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,880 Speaker 1: and anxious all the time, like there's still something unresolved. 216 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:26,360 Speaker 1: As difficult as this is for me, I know it's 217 00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:28,520 Speaker 1: just a small dose of what Alana must have been 218 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:33,120 Speaker 1: going through her hospital records, texts, and emails give us 219 00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:36,280 Speaker 1: insight into how she felt during this time in treatment. 220 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,760 Speaker 1: Joyce remembers how Alana kept a tight lid on what 221 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:44,040 Speaker 1: she was telling her family. From her texts, I can 222 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:47,080 Speaker 1: see that Alana gives Father Dave the play by play 223 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,440 Speaker 1: of her hospital admissions. He checks in with her frequently, 224 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:52,840 Speaker 1: calling the treatment center to figure out how he can 225 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:56,840 Speaker 1: visit her. From her emails, it looks like after Alana 226 00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:01,960 Speaker 1: was hospitalized, her spiritual mentors were sending her resources. There's 227 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,920 Speaker 1: a barrage of blog emails from Father Dave, like when 228 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,720 Speaker 1: he sends her just two weeks after her suicide, scare 229 00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:11,600 Speaker 1: about embracing the Cross and choosing Christ over the gay lifestyle. 230 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:15,040 Speaker 1: There's a note from a nine the week before, encouraging 231 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,960 Speaker 1: Alana to attend a woman's retreat run by Courage, the 232 00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,720 Speaker 1: Catholic support group for those struggling with SSA. As I 233 00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:25,200 Speaker 1: scroll back chronologically, I come across an email written by 234 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:29,680 Speaker 1: Alana herself, dated just a few months before her hospitalization. 235 00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:35,280 Speaker 5: Hi. There, my pastor, father, Peter Mussett, has continued to 236 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:38,280 Speaker 5: recommend that I attend the Living Waters Leadership training week 237 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,360 Speaker 5: this summer. I am a college student at the University 238 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:45,840 Speaker 5: of Colorado, I'm a Catholic, and I struggle with SSA. 239 00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:50,160 Speaker 1: I recognize the group Living Waters immediately. This is bringing 240 00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:51,480 Speaker 1: back so many memories. 241 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,160 Speaker 10: We have people in our churches who look in the 242 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,520 Speaker 10: mirror and don't know their own gender, who seriously believe 243 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,800 Speaker 10: that they're best friend or their sexual completion. 244 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:05,000 Speaker 1: Living Waters was founded in the eighties by a man 245 00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:08,159 Speaker 1: who struggled with SSA and later married a woman and 246 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,320 Speaker 1: had children. I remember his success story being such a 247 00:17:11,359 --> 00:17:13,480 Speaker 1: source of hope for me when I was a teenager 248 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:18,119 Speaker 1: secretly researching conversion therapies online. I can't believe Alana is 249 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:21,720 Speaker 1: being steered here over a decade later. This is their 250 00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:23,880 Speaker 1: promotional video from twenty sixteen. 251 00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:27,960 Speaker 10: We provide a one week training where your wounded healers 252 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:33,080 Speaker 10: come to provide these kinds of in depth healing opportunities. 253 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,640 Speaker 10: Come and substantiate the claim. 254 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:40,600 Speaker 9: That your church makes that Jesus really is the way, 255 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,840 Speaker 9: the truth, and the life for all persons to be 256 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:47,240 Speaker 9: set by all manner of sexual and gender problems. 257 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,520 Speaker 10: Come to the Living Waters Training. 258 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:57,320 Speaker 1: I got my hands on their training workbook. Itsites conversion 259 00:17:57,359 --> 00:18:01,520 Speaker 1: therapy theorists like Elizabeth Moberly and Joe of Nicolosi. It 260 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,840 Speaker 1: also features fourteen case studies of people claiming to be 261 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:09,440 Speaker 1: healed from homosexuality. I spoke with several people who attended 262 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:12,880 Speaker 1: or were leaders for this program who estimated that half 263 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,119 Speaker 1: of the participants in their groups were homosexuals looking to 264 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:20,320 Speaker 1: become straight. So even though it's not publicly advertised, people 265 00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:23,240 Speaker 1: who want to attend this program, like Alana and me 266 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,119 Speaker 1: when I was a teenager, know exactly what they're signing 267 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:29,919 Speaker 1: up for. A day after Alana emails the Living Waters 268 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:34,040 Speaker 1: Training program, she gets a reply. It says, we are 269 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:37,840 Speaker 1: excited about the prospect of having you with us. Unfortunately, 270 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,280 Speaker 1: we do not offer scholarships for our programs. We encourage 271 00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:45,399 Speaker 1: all of the participants to raise support. It's unclear if 272 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:48,439 Speaker 1: Alana ever finds the money to go. Remember this is 273 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:51,200 Speaker 1: just a few months before her suicide's scare, but she's 274 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,760 Speaker 1: clearly doing her research and trying her best to access 275 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:59,760 Speaker 1: these resources. After she returns home from her treatment center 276 00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,600 Speaker 1: and to see Alana begs her mother to take her 277 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:05,639 Speaker 1: to a local therapist, a new one on the Advice 278 00:19:05,680 --> 00:19:09,520 Speaker 1: of the Nuns. At this point, Joyce is on high alert. 279 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,879 Speaker 1: She's read a lot of Alana's journals and is extra 280 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:17,879 Speaker 1: cautious about anyone counseling her daughter about her sexuality. Something 281 00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:22,000 Speaker 1: on this therapist's website, however, sounds suspicious to her. She 282 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,320 Speaker 1: can't put her finger on it and didn't know the 283 00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:27,439 Speaker 1: terminology of conversion therapy at the time, but it raises 284 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:28,520 Speaker 1: an alarm. 285 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:33,120 Speaker 4: There was like one sentence in her description on the website, 286 00:19:33,720 --> 00:19:36,800 Speaker 4: and I was like, no, way like And Alana was like, Mommy, 287 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:38,800 Speaker 4: that's not only reason why I want to go, and 288 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,600 Speaker 4: she does way more than that, and I was like, 289 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:42,960 Speaker 4: I don't care what she does. And I remember leaving 290 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,000 Speaker 4: a message on the Sisters of Life's machine like call me. 291 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:47,360 Speaker 4: I was angry. 292 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,760 Speaker 1: I'm on this therapist's website and it looks pretty generic. 293 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:58,120 Speaker 1: It says she's a licensed professional counselor in private practice 294 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:03,000 Speaker 1: since ninety three and young professor at Denver Seminary specializes 295 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:08,200 Speaker 1: in faith based individuals client centered. She seems pretty standard 296 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:12,680 Speaker 1: and innocuous. And then I have the idea to go 297 00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:15,560 Speaker 1: to the internet archive to look up the snapshot of 298 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:19,639 Speaker 1: the therapist's website from October twenty sixteen, when Alana booked 299 00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:23,119 Speaker 1: her appointment. This lets me see the archived version of 300 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:28,400 Speaker 1: the website from that time. Oh wow, it looks totally different. 301 00:20:29,359 --> 00:20:33,560 Speaker 1: It says her specialty is female same sex attraction and 302 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:39,080 Speaker 1: emotional dependencies. The site is classic repairative Therapy. We honor 303 00:20:39,119 --> 00:20:43,600 Speaker 1: all people's right to self determination, including their authentic desire 304 00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:47,040 Speaker 1: to diminish or alter their experience of same sex attractions. 305 00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,440 Speaker 1: We will support men and women with same sex attraction 306 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:54,720 Speaker 1: who want to explore opposite sex intimacy. Oh, she's got 307 00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:58,680 Speaker 1: a book. She's promoting her book that's got endorsements from 308 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:02,800 Speaker 1: Joseph Nicolosi and the founder of Living Waters. I look 309 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:05,879 Speaker 1: up the therapist's name and it turns out she was 310 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:12,640 Speaker 1: on the board of NARTH, the Conversion Therapy Network. There 311 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:15,040 Speaker 1: was a time when this kind of therapy was practiced 312 00:21:15,119 --> 00:21:18,359 Speaker 1: quite openly, but over the last twenty years, due to 313 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:23,119 Speaker 1: the questionable scientific validity of conversion therapy, it's been largely debunked. 314 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:27,720 Speaker 1: The largest X gay ministry, Exodus International, shut down in 315 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:31,120 Speaker 1: twenty thirteen because its leadership admitted to lying about its 316 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:35,000 Speaker 1: claims and recognize the harm they were causing. Many ministries 317 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:38,560 Speaker 1: and therapists have since gone underground. Some even now make 318 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:41,880 Speaker 1: an effort to deny they ever practice conversion therapy at all, 319 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:45,920 Speaker 1: but from these Internet archives, I can plainly see that 320 00:21:45,920 --> 00:21:52,880 Speaker 1: that's not factually true. So Alana's getting these resources from 321 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:56,120 Speaker 1: her spiritual mentors who are encouraging her to seek more 322 00:21:56,119 --> 00:21:59,359 Speaker 1: help to treat her sexuality. She's already been in therapy 323 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,560 Speaker 1: at Saint tom for the past two years with Kate, 324 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:04,880 Speaker 1: but after the suicide scare and the three month treatment 325 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:09,320 Speaker 1: facility in Tennessee, Joyce wants to be extra cautious. She 326 00:22:09,359 --> 00:22:12,400 Speaker 1: doesn't know exactly what Alana learned in her formal therapy 327 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,919 Speaker 1: and informal spiritual direction, but she knows that her daughter 328 00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,639 Speaker 1: is not out of the woods, so she frantically looks 329 00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:19,320 Speaker 1: for more help. 330 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,560 Speaker 4: And then that's when I started to get her. I 331 00:22:22,640 --> 00:22:24,960 Speaker 4: remember scrambling how A might Where am I going to 332 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:25,399 Speaker 4: have her go? 333 00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:29,840 Speaker 1: Joyce finds her another live in treatment facility, this time 334 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:33,520 Speaker 1: in Arizona, where she hopes Alana can get specialized counseling 335 00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:37,280 Speaker 1: for spiritual trauma, among other things. It's another three month 336 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,399 Speaker 1: program and the family is maxing out their finances to 337 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,280 Speaker 1: give her the best care they can afford. They pack 338 00:22:43,359 --> 00:22:47,080 Speaker 1: her bags and get her settled in in Scottsdale. It's 339 00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:51,520 Speaker 1: here that Alana meets someone who will challenge everything she believes. 340 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,680 Speaker 1: While at her treatment program in Arizona, Alana meets a 341 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:03,119 Speaker 1: girl named Jessica through one of her roommates. They hit 342 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:06,920 Speaker 1: it off and soon start texting regularly. They hang out 343 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:09,440 Speaker 1: as a group with the other girls in the treatment program, 344 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:12,800 Speaker 1: go to the pool, have meals together, and within a 345 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:16,280 Speaker 1: few weeks, Alana starts developing feelings for her. 346 00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:21,680 Speaker 5: No one is like Jessica. She is so beautiful and unique. 347 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:23,680 Speaker 5: I don't know anyone like her. 348 00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,359 Speaker 1: Things escalate and they start spending more time together. 349 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:31,720 Speaker 5: I think I'm falling in love with Jessica. I'm thinking 350 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:35,520 Speaker 5: about her all the time. I want to know her. 351 00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:40,119 Speaker 5: When she has wrinkles, and gray hair. I want to 352 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:43,119 Speaker 5: give her my heart. I know that will be hard 353 00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:46,640 Speaker 5: and it will take time, but that's what I want 354 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:53,320 Speaker 5: to do. I miss Jessica. There's this pretty song by 355 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:58,440 Speaker 5: Regina Specter called Jessica. It's beautiful the way she sings 356 00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:02,720 Speaker 5: her name. She saw the world so differently yet so 357 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:08,200 Speaker 5: the same. I really think I was am in love 358 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:13,320 Speaker 5: with her. I've just always been afraid. I sent her 359 00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:13,800 Speaker 5: that song. 360 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,680 Speaker 1: Her journals are filled with pages of melancholy one day 361 00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:22,160 Speaker 1: and exuberance the next. This is her first real relationship. 362 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:26,639 Speaker 5: Jessica. I think about you every day. I know you 363 00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:30,680 Speaker 5: don't always believe it. You said you love reading my thoughts, 364 00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:35,040 Speaker 5: so here they are. I'll give you my thoughts. I 365 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,360 Speaker 5: think about our emails. It's ridiculous that that's the way 366 00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:42,200 Speaker 5: we have to correspond. I think about how romantic that is, 367 00:24:42,520 --> 00:24:47,440 Speaker 5: how romantic an email can be. I think, Jessica, you 368 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:50,600 Speaker 5: take me back to sixth grade, to the first time 369 00:24:50,640 --> 00:24:53,520 Speaker 5: I ever told someone that I liked them. It was 370 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:57,439 Speaker 5: over email. Jessica, you take me back to the first 371 00:24:57,560 --> 00:24:59,520 Speaker 5: I ever knew of love. 372 00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:08,520 Speaker 7: There she is. This was in Arizona and. 373 00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:11,840 Speaker 1: With Carissa, Alana's older sister and we're looking through a 374 00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:13,560 Speaker 1: family photo album. 375 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:16,840 Speaker 7: I think this is one where Alana's girlfriend was with 376 00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:20,639 Speaker 7: us because she lived in the area. But like she 377 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:23,040 Speaker 7: we invited her to dinner, and I think we knew 378 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:26,160 Speaker 7: that she was Alana's girlfriend, but my aunts and uncles 379 00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:28,760 Speaker 7: like she hadn't come out to them yet. Yeah, we 380 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,800 Speaker 7: just like didn't make it a thing. And Alanna and 381 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:35,040 Speaker 7: Jessica kissed in the car, like thinking no one saw them, 382 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:37,760 Speaker 7: and then our like five year old cousin Brandon was like, 383 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:42,159 Speaker 7: I saw them kiss and my uncle's like, Na, you 384 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:44,560 Speaker 7: did it, Like, don't say that, And then like kind 385 00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:46,480 Speaker 7: of became a thing, but not really. 386 00:25:48,440 --> 00:25:51,320 Speaker 1: Did you did? You had to meet Jessau right, Yeah, 387 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:52,400 Speaker 1: what did you think about her? 388 00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:57,040 Speaker 7: She's hilarious, probably like the funniest, one of the funniest 389 00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:00,159 Speaker 7: people I ever met. But I only in my her 390 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:03,800 Speaker 7: a few times, and I know they had like a 391 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,200 Speaker 7: somewhat tumultuous relationship. 392 00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:10,240 Speaker 1: Their relationship had its fair share of ups and downs. 393 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:14,000 Speaker 1: Alana would initiate multiple breakups over the next few months, 394 00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:18,080 Speaker 1: often driven by her own uncertainty over dating women. I 395 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:20,080 Speaker 1: wasn't able to get a hold of Jessica to hear 396 00:26:20,119 --> 00:26:26,280 Speaker 1: her perspective, but people described her as Alana's opposite, extroverted, short, 397 00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:31,800 Speaker 1: not into hiking. Still, Alana was smitten, Jessica has mentioned 398 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:35,720 Speaker 1: over two hundred times in her journals. I think back 399 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:39,520 Speaker 1: to myself at Alana's age. I never thought a relationship 400 00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:42,720 Speaker 1: was possible for me. The idea of me being with 401 00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:46,560 Speaker 1: a woman seemed so distant, and from everything I learned, 402 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:50,680 Speaker 1: a gay relationship would have been destined to fail. If 403 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:55,840 Speaker 1: homosexuality was caused by psychological instability, then putting two gay 404 00:26:55,880 --> 00:27:00,080 Speaker 1: people together was a recipe for disaster, according to the theory. 405 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:03,119 Speaker 1: I didn't consider whether this narrative was set up to 406 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:06,560 Speaker 1: scare me from ever trying, and I wonder if Alana 407 00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:07,800 Speaker 1: had the same doubts. 408 00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:13,760 Speaker 5: Dear Jessica, I love you so much. I think I've 409 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:18,040 Speaker 5: fallen in love with you, but I feel crazy. I 410 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:22,800 Speaker 5: am crazy. You know I'm crazy. I'm so sorry I'm 411 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,919 Speaker 5: doing this again. It's not because I don't love you. 412 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:28,320 Speaker 5: I want to spend the rest of my life with you, 413 00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,800 Speaker 5: but I need to heal first. I don't want to 414 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:35,520 Speaker 5: keep hurting you because I know someday you won't be 415 00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:39,440 Speaker 5: able to handle it. Anymore. You are so strong. You've 416 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:43,360 Speaker 5: been waiting for me this whole time, but I've been distracted. 417 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:48,119 Speaker 5: I need to make some serious changes in my life. 418 00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:50,160 Speaker 5: I know I caused so much drama in our. 419 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:54,479 Speaker 1: Relationship, and yet, in spite of the theories, Alana has 420 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:56,440 Speaker 1: hoped that she and Jessica. 421 00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:59,639 Speaker 5: Can be together someday. I want to wake up with 422 00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:03,400 Speaker 5: you every morning. I want to have breakfast burritos and moke. 423 00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:05,840 Speaker 5: Was that Lola's with you. I want to go camping 424 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:07,639 Speaker 5: with you. I want to go on date nights and 425 00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:09,639 Speaker 5: I want to go to the beach with you. I 426 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:13,479 Speaker 5: want you. I want to do everything with you. I 427 00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:17,320 Speaker 5: need you, I love you. I'm so in love with you, 428 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:20,240 Speaker 5: and I don't tell you that enough. I'm going to 429 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:23,199 Speaker 5: get better for you, Jessica. We are going to be okay. 430 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:27,080 Speaker 1: Once Alana starts to date Jessica, the tone of her 431 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:31,000 Speaker 1: journals starts to change. It's as if she's processing her 432 00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:33,600 Speaker 1: past in a way she's never done before. 433 00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:37,199 Speaker 5: At first, I said it was no big deal, a 434 00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:40,360 Speaker 5: small thing that God could handle, just a few crossed 435 00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:42,800 Speaker 5: wires in the brain that I could get through it. 436 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,960 Speaker 5: They said it was a disordered desire that it could 437 00:28:47,000 --> 00:28:51,520 Speaker 5: never be fulfilling or lead to true happiness. They said 438 00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:54,320 Speaker 5: it wasn't my identity. It wasn't as big of a 439 00:28:54,400 --> 00:28:57,880 Speaker 5: thing as I was making it out to be. Then 440 00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:00,760 Speaker 5: they said it was a sin against nature, sure that 441 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:04,760 Speaker 5: it offended God. They said it was a very big cross, 442 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:08,440 Speaker 5: a very hard thing to get through. They said the 443 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:13,360 Speaker 5: devil was working hard to destroy me. I feel like 444 00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:17,960 Speaker 5: I've been fooled all this time. I'm so angry, I'm hurt. 445 00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:20,160 Speaker 5: I still feel broken. 446 00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:24,760 Speaker 1: Alana's describing something that I've never been able to articulate 447 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:29,640 Speaker 1: for myself, this constant tension between mortal existential peril on 448 00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:32,760 Speaker 1: the one hand, and on the other hand, the message 449 00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:35,400 Speaker 1: of no big deal, this isn't a significant part of 450 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:39,960 Speaker 1: your identity anyways, Like you simultaneously should and shouldn't feel 451 00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:42,560 Speaker 1: absolutely terrified about your attractions. 452 00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:46,280 Speaker 5: At some point in college, Alana decided she needed to 453 00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:49,560 Speaker 5: start being honest with God. She couldn't hide her pain 454 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:51,560 Speaker 5: from him or herself any longer. 455 00:29:52,200 --> 00:29:55,320 Speaker 1: In this entry, Alana writes in the third person, like 456 00:29:55,400 --> 00:29:57,920 Speaker 1: she's telling a story about herself in hindsight. 457 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:02,360 Speaker 5: Before she was able to distract herself keep herself busy 458 00:30:03,280 --> 00:30:06,920 Speaker 5: but she couldn't do it anymore. Her prayers were filled 459 00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:12,360 Speaker 5: with moaning and sobbing and thrashing. Alana lived in darkness. 460 00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:15,800 Speaker 5: She begged God to take her same sex attraction away, 461 00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:20,280 Speaker 5: but deep down, she didn't want that. She wanted to 462 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:23,520 Speaker 5: be accepted just as she was. She wanted God to 463 00:30:23,560 --> 00:30:27,320 Speaker 5: say that it was okay. The pain never went away, 464 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:32,680 Speaker 5: It only grew bigger. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't enjoy 465 00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:36,560 Speaker 5: things the way she used to. She felt completely isolated 466 00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:40,880 Speaker 5: from her family, her church, her friends, and frisbee team. 467 00:30:42,240 --> 00:30:45,600 Speaker 5: She never felt good enough. She had to do whatever 468 00:30:45,640 --> 00:30:48,840 Speaker 5: she could to be good and to please God to 469 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:53,200 Speaker 5: make it to heaven. She was so afraid of disappointing God. 470 00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:00,400 Speaker 4: This is our neighborhood, by and. 471 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:03,320 Speaker 1: With Carissa, and she's driving me outside of Boulder to 472 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:06,120 Speaker 1: visit their childhood home, the one where her dad still 473 00:31:06,160 --> 00:31:09,200 Speaker 1: lives after the divorce. This is the house that Alana 474 00:31:09,240 --> 00:31:12,880 Speaker 1: grew up in. The neighborhood is quaint and suburban, with 475 00:31:13,000 --> 00:31:15,480 Speaker 1: neat lawns lined with four bedroom houses. 476 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,880 Speaker 7: We were the cul de sac kids on roller blades 477 00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:25,840 Speaker 7: another little thing I made everyone do. Yeah, this is 478 00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:27,880 Speaker 7: our cul de sac over here. And then we would 479 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:30,719 Speaker 7: also like ride our bike up super fast and like 480 00:31:30,880 --> 00:31:33,280 Speaker 7: come down here and definitely had a few falls. 481 00:31:33,840 --> 00:31:36,320 Speaker 1: Their houses at the end of the street overlooking a 482 00:31:36,360 --> 00:31:37,600 Speaker 1: giant field. 483 00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:43,080 Speaker 7: Alana like loved this open space too. We get like 484 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:47,880 Speaker 7: some really pretty sunsets. So yeah, Boulder Bowder mountains. 485 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:51,320 Speaker 4: And this is our house with all the cars because. 486 00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:59,720 Speaker 7: My dad is a car guy, I know. 487 00:32:01,280 --> 00:32:04,880 Speaker 1: Crisa shows me around the house. It's carpeted and has 488 00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:09,040 Speaker 1: a lot of stuff, mail and boxes and framed photoclauges 489 00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:11,600 Speaker 1: her mom made for each of the kids high school graduations, 490 00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:19,120 Speaker 1: dog toys. The fridge is covered in family photos. She's 491 00:32:19,160 --> 00:32:23,400 Speaker 1: wearing a rainbow sure that says I love me. How 492 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:24,400 Speaker 1: old do you think she's in there? 493 00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:25,160 Speaker 4: Perfect? 494 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:26,840 Speaker 7: I don't know. 495 00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:27,440 Speaker 11: Eight? 496 00:32:28,080 --> 00:32:28,720 Speaker 8: Is that too young? 497 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:31,200 Speaker 7: I'm really bad at knowing age. 498 00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:35,800 Speaker 1: As we head upstairs to Alana's bedroom, I'm feeling emotional 499 00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:38,920 Speaker 1: right now, like I'm about to see the place where 500 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:42,200 Speaker 1: she wrote her journals, the journals I've been reading all 501 00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:42,800 Speaker 1: this time. 502 00:32:44,560 --> 00:32:45,360 Speaker 8: And then this is a. 503 00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:50,400 Speaker 7: Most I stayed exactly this. 504 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:53,840 Speaker 1: It's a medium sized room with a twin bed by 505 00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:57,400 Speaker 1: the window and a small bookshelf. The book Walden by 506 00:32:57,400 --> 00:33:01,320 Speaker 1: Henry David Thureaux. Sits on top of her cover so 507 00:33:01,400 --> 00:33:02,000 Speaker 1: you can. 508 00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:06,120 Speaker 7: See she like had all of her things that she loved, 509 00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:07,320 Speaker 7: which so is music. 510 00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:10,280 Speaker 1: A keyboard is next to her bed, and along the 511 00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:12,440 Speaker 1: wall are two racks of clothes. 512 00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:16,040 Speaker 7: There's a lot of like sewing stuff in here. And 513 00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:22,080 Speaker 7: then this is like her clothing of like thrifted clothes 514 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:25,440 Speaker 7: she wanted to take and like repurpose or like reput 515 00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:26,520 Speaker 7: together to make. 516 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:28,160 Speaker 6: More fashion forward. 517 00:33:29,560 --> 00:33:31,280 Speaker 7: And then just artwork everywhere. 518 00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:40,600 Speaker 1: Wow, yeah, wow, I take it all in. Her clothing 519 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:43,520 Speaker 1: rack has a mix of flower and leopard print dresses, 520 00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:47,600 Speaker 1: check her jackets and colorful flannel, a far cry from 521 00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:50,680 Speaker 1: the plain, non wardrobe she wore as a teenager. It's 522 00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:53,760 Speaker 1: another side of Alana that I'm beginning to see. And 523 00:33:53,800 --> 00:33:56,600 Speaker 1: the colors on her canvases of portraits and still lives 524 00:33:56,960 --> 00:34:02,200 Speaker 1: are luscious, deep purples, cherries, and pinks. Alana was definitely 525 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:05,880 Speaker 1: an artist. I glanced at her bookshelf and one book 526 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:11,120 Speaker 1: is turned outward Total surrender by mother Teresa, another reminder 527 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:17,680 Speaker 1: of just how much her faith meant to her. The 528 00:34:17,719 --> 00:34:21,399 Speaker 1: objects in Alana's room reflect a vibrant life, which makes 529 00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:24,520 Speaker 1: me wonder how it all could have ended so abruptly, 530 00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:36,799 Speaker 1: especially as she was finally getting dedicated care and back 531 00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:40,840 Speaker 1: with Joy, Alana's best friend from kindergarten. We're sitting on 532 00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:43,719 Speaker 1: a bench at a lookout point at Davidson Mesa, the 533 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:49,799 Speaker 1: trail she and Alana would often hike together. How are 534 00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:50,120 Speaker 1: you doing? 535 00:34:50,520 --> 00:34:55,840 Speaker 11: Yeah, yeah, it's really nice to talk about her. Yeah, 536 00:34:55,880 --> 00:35:00,960 Speaker 11: it's hard, but it's good. Thank you. I have a letter. 537 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:07,880 Speaker 12: That she wrote me in treatment, so she said, it 538 00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:09,839 Speaker 12: does feel like such a gift that she wrote so much. 539 00:35:09,880 --> 00:35:13,680 Speaker 12: So thank you for the pictures and letters. Please thank 540 00:35:13,719 --> 00:35:15,840 Speaker 12: your mom for me too. I think my mom wrote 541 00:35:16,320 --> 00:35:18,239 Speaker 12: I miss everyone so much. It feels like I've been 542 00:35:18,239 --> 00:35:21,960 Speaker 12: gone forever. I'm doing really well here. All my sisters 543 00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:24,040 Speaker 12: in the house are so cool. We're like a family. 544 00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:27,040 Speaker 12: I have so much to tell you. I feel like 545 00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:30,520 Speaker 12: I can finally be myself without fear. When my parents 546 00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:33,640 Speaker 12: brought me here, they were scared shitless. They didn't know 547 00:35:34,120 --> 00:35:35,920 Speaker 12: what was going on or why it had to be 548 00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:39,720 Speaker 12: this way. They came again to visit this past weekend. 549 00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:42,640 Speaker 12: My dad said he was so relieved because he knew 550 00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:47,279 Speaker 12: somehow I had experienced a real transformation. I'm happy, and 551 00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:50,720 Speaker 12: I haven't felt that way in a very long time. Still, 552 00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:54,239 Speaker 12: I wake up every morning feeling inadequate. I've had a 553 00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:58,000 Speaker 12: recurring dream for the past six weeks that I have 554 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:02,200 Speaker 12: a bajillion impossible task to do. Then I take a break, 555 00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:05,400 Speaker 12: but I'm still trying to do the tasks, and everyone 556 00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:07,480 Speaker 12: is mad and confused because I'm not supposed to be 557 00:36:07,480 --> 00:36:10,839 Speaker 12: on break. Then I go back and the tasks are 558 00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:14,239 Speaker 12: even more impossible. I mean, it sounds pretty accurate for 559 00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:16,279 Speaker 12: the stage I'm in in my life, but I don't 560 00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:20,080 Speaker 12: know why I keep having the same dream. When I 561 00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:22,960 Speaker 12: think of home, I realize I have very few people left. 562 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:26,600 Speaker 12: I know that's partially my fault. I'm so grateful to 563 00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:29,160 Speaker 12: have you and that you never give up on me. 564 00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:31,920 Speaker 12: I'm finally learning not to give up on myself. 565 00:36:32,760 --> 00:36:35,279 Speaker 11: I miss you so much. You have always been my 566 00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:36,960 Speaker 11: best friend, even though I've been distant. 567 00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:38,000 Speaker 7: How are you? 568 00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:42,160 Speaker 11: How is Sam? I can't believe you're already graduated. I 569 00:36:42,239 --> 00:36:47,120 Speaker 11: love you, sincerely, Alana. Then she says, ps, we have 570 00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:50,720 Speaker 11: two dogs at our house, Dixie and Bo. They're so cute. 571 00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:52,080 Speaker 11: I wish I could send a picture. 572 00:36:54,920 --> 00:36:58,400 Speaker 1: As Alana finishes up her treatment in Arizona. She's anxious 573 00:36:58,400 --> 00:37:02,000 Speaker 1: about what she'll find back home. The past six months 574 00:37:02,040 --> 00:37:07,759 Speaker 1: have been hard and heavy, but also intoxicating. She's in love. 575 00:37:09,280 --> 00:37:11,920 Speaker 5: I was taught that I couldn't trust my feelings, that 576 00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,600 Speaker 5: they would lead me down a dark road, lead me 577 00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:18,520 Speaker 5: to sin, lead me to hell. When I met Jessica, 578 00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:22,680 Speaker 5: I still believed that I couldn't listen to myself or 579 00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:28,000 Speaker 5: my true feelings. Love was driven out by fear. I 580 00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:30,480 Speaker 5: was so afraid that if I stayed with her, a 581 00:37:30,640 --> 00:37:35,960 Speaker 5: relationship would explode. I had valid concerns, but she's the 582 00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:39,880 Speaker 5: love of my life. The truth is, I love Jessica. 583 00:37:40,680 --> 00:37:44,480 Speaker 5: I can accept her shortcomings. I can accept her emotions, 584 00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:50,040 Speaker 5: and I know that she can accept mine. 585 00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:55,959 Speaker 1: Alana's discovering an acceptance through Jessica, an acceptance that's been 586 00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:59,400 Speaker 1: so elusive and stained with fear and mistrust of herself. 587 00:38:00,600 --> 00:38:03,200 Speaker 1: I think about all the times I've second guessed myself, 588 00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:07,319 Speaker 1: my own thoughts and feelings. How impossibly raise her, thin 589 00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:11,440 Speaker 1: and unknown the path ahead was for me, how damned 590 00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:15,040 Speaker 1: I felt no matter what I did, how much I 591 00:38:15,120 --> 00:38:17,280 Speaker 1: needed a miracle. 592 00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:25,560 Speaker 3: I will follow you, follow you wherever you. 593 00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:29,120 Speaker 1: Might go next time. On Dear Alana, she. 594 00:38:29,160 --> 00:38:31,080 Speaker 13: Was like in this struggle of wanting to share her 595 00:38:31,080 --> 00:38:34,000 Speaker 13: story because she knew it would be helpful to others. 596 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:38,000 Speaker 13: She was scared of what people at the church would 597 00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:39,360 Speaker 13: say if they read the story. 598 00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:42,399 Speaker 1: How Alana finds the courage to speak out. 599 00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:51,680 Speaker 3: I will follow you ever since you touched my head? 600 00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:52,560 Speaker 3: Thank You. 601 00:38:54,760 --> 00:38:58,440 Speaker 1: Dear Alana was created, hosted, and written by me Simon 602 00:38:58,520 --> 00:39:02,359 Speaker 1: Kentfang and is a production of Tenderfoot TV in association 603 00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:05,560 Speaker 1: with a Slept Audio and the Center for Independent Documentary. 604 00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:09,040 Speaker 1: It was produced by Lori Puliski, who also composed the music. 605 00:39:09,560 --> 00:39:13,920 Speaker 1: Executive producers are myself, Donald Albright, and Payne Lindsay. Our 606 00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:18,080 Speaker 1: supervising producer is Tracy leeds Kaplan. Additional music by Makeup 607 00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:22,200 Speaker 1: and Vanity, Set sales and distribution by iHeartMedia. Our voice 608 00:39:22,239 --> 00:39:25,200 Speaker 1: actor is Alana Rabor and our credit song I Will 609 00:39:25,239 --> 00:39:28,400 Speaker 1: Follow You is Bye to Loose. Show notes and resources 610 00:39:28,400 --> 00:39:31,480 Speaker 1: can be found on our website Diarlana dot com. If 611 00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:34,360 Speaker 1: you enjoyed this episode, please take time to follow the show, 612 00:39:34,640 --> 00:39:35,960 Speaker 1: rate and review. 613 00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:49,520 Speaker 3: Various sud Hanson Sohikoe, keep Me Away Away from the. 614 00:39:49,680 --> 00:40:04,960 Speaker 1: Long Dear Alana is an eight part series released weekly. 615 00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:08,320 Speaker 1: If you can't wait until next week, subscribe to tenderfoot 616 00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:11,280 Speaker 1: Plus so you can binge the entire series right now. 617 00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:15,400 Speaker 1: Add free head to Apple Podcasts or tendorfootplus dot com 618 00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:16,879 Speaker 1: to subscribe now.