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Speaker 1: This is Alec Baldwin and you're listening to Here's the

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Speaker 1: Thing from my Heart Radio. There's really only one way

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Speaker 1: to introduce my guest today, and that's with this. Grew

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Speaker 1: up in North Carolina and it's hard to get to

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Speaker 1: attached to a beach house, knowing as you do that

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Speaker 1: it's unborrowed time. If the hurricane doesn't come this autumn,

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Speaker 1: it'll likely come the next. The one that claimed our

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Speaker 1: place the C section in September was Florence. He was devastated.

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Speaker 1: While my only thought was, what's with the old fashioned

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Speaker 1: names Irma, Agnes, Bertha Floyd. They sound like finalists in

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Speaker 1: a pinknuckle tournament. Isn't it time for hurricanes? Madison and Skyler? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Where's lit trees? Or Category four? For Dante? Florence, it

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Speaker 1: was said, gave new meaning to the word namas day

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Speaker 1: along the North Carolina coast? Are you going to evacuate

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Speaker 1: n must Day? That is the unmistakable voice and writing

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Speaker 1: of the one and only David Sedaris. Some humorists today

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Speaker 1: simply assault the senses with expletives for a laugh, but

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Speaker 1: David Sedaris is far too clever for that. He seduces

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Speaker 1: the listener with a quiet, measured tone, sneakily delivering a

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Speaker 1: wrye observation, or a serbic singer that belies an unmatched wit.

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Speaker 1: His humor contains the best parts of two storytelling legends,

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Speaker 1: the incisive social commentary of Dorothy Parker and Noel Coward.

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Speaker 1: There is simply no one out there like him today.

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Speaker 1: Sedaris is the author of numerous bestsellers, including Me, Talk

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Speaker 1: Pretty One Day, and Holidays on Ice. His latest book,

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Speaker 1: Happy Go Lucky, details his experience in lockdown during the pandemic,

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Speaker 1: alongside chapters of coming to terms with his father's death.

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Speaker 1: It's a hilarious and at times heartbreaking collection of essays

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Speaker 1: that dive deep into Sadari's dysfunctional upbringing and it's continuing repercussions.

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Speaker 1: I was curious to learn more about his childhood and

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Speaker 1: the surroundings where he first grew up Western New York

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Speaker 1: State and moved one of the second grade how How

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Speaker 1: were were old? You are? At the age of second

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Speaker 1: grade eight, moved to Raleigh, North Carolina. I spent nine

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Speaker 1: out of ten summers in Figure eight Island off the

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Speaker 1: coast of Rightsville Beach because my ex wife had made

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Speaker 1: a film there, and I spent many summers in North

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Speaker 1: Carolina and really good to love it. I mean we

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Speaker 1: would go down there sometimes and have thanks getting down

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Speaker 1: there and swim in the ocean in late November. Did

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Speaker 1: you love North Carolina growing up there? No? No, I

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Speaker 1: didn't want to be there at all. I wanted to

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Speaker 1: be back in New York State. Why it just it

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Speaker 1: just hickish to me. I don't know. It's just so

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Speaker 1: convinced my life would have been so much better if

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Speaker 1: we had never left. But the town we lived in

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Speaker 1: western New York State, you know, I mean I didn't

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Speaker 1: realize that at the time, but all the industry left.

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Speaker 1: I mean Raleigh, where we moved. Every time you go

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Speaker 1: to Raleigh, there are another million people living there, and

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Speaker 1: it just like spilled milk, you know, it gets bigger

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Speaker 1: and bigger and bigger. Binghamton, where we were living before,

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Speaker 1: has actually gotten smaller. Population has decreased, you know, Like

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Speaker 1: sometimes you meet people from West Texas and they're like, oh,

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Speaker 1: it's so beautiful, and then you think, well, no one's not.

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Speaker 1: But I think that where you grow up defines beauty

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Speaker 1: in your mind. So to me, that part of western

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Speaker 1: New York State. We're driving down the road and then

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Speaker 1: you know those rock walls and that are kind of

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Speaker 1: weeping always, and there are creeks on on rock beds.

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Speaker 1: That's beauty to me. Your childhood, your father had a

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Speaker 1: good job. He worked for I was at IBM, and

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Speaker 1: you lived well, sure country club, but you guys with

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Speaker 1: the girls would go up to remember you describing in

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Speaker 1: the book, the girls would go up to the buffet,

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Speaker 1: and you know, and there was life was comfortable well

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Speaker 1: in the in the South, your life revolved around the

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Speaker 1: country club. So when we moved to Raleigh, the Carolina

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Speaker 1: Country Club was the country club, and they didn't allow Yankees,

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Speaker 1: and they didn't allow Jews, and then they really didn't

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Speaker 1: know and they also didn't allow Yankees. But the Carolina

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Speaker 1: Country Club allowed Yankees, and then later Jews were welcome.

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Speaker 1: And I wrote a story about that for the New Yorker,

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Speaker 1: and they contacted the fact checkers contact the Caroline Country Club,

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Speaker 1: and you know, they didn't want to come out and

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Speaker 1: say that, and they were like, everyone was welcome at

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Speaker 1: the Carolina Country clup. Really in everyone was welcome at

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Speaker 1: the Carolina Country clubs. So I had to change it. Too,

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Speaker 1: if I recall correctly. So when Billie Holiday showed up

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Speaker 1: at the Caroline talking, they poured her and they poured

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Speaker 1: her a cold one. Um. I don't want to say

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Speaker 1: that this is what I read in your piece, but

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Speaker 1: you can tell me. And I don't want to say

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Speaker 1: that we have this in common, although the way we might,

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Speaker 1: and that is I was always made to feel different

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Speaker 1: in my family because I was the oldest son. My

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Speaker 1: family mirrors you in terms of you have an older

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Speaker 1: sister and then there's you. You're the second and you're

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Speaker 1: the first boy. And in my family, my grandparents, my

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Speaker 1: father's parents who lived in Brooklyn, who were like a

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Speaker 1: forty five minute car ride away, we saw them constantly.

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Speaker 1: We want to see them, like at least a couple

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Speaker 1: of times a month and go hang out with them.

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Speaker 1: And I was treated differently from everybody else. I was older,

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Speaker 1: I was more adult identified. You know, the other kids

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Speaker 1: are falling asleep on the couch. It's Sunday. We've watched

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Speaker 1: that Sullivan, We've watched candid Camera. And my grandfather would

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Speaker 1: point to my to me and look at my father

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Speaker 1: and go let him stay. And my father was like

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Speaker 1: Jesus Christ, and he'd carried the other kids down to

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Speaker 1: the car with my mother put them they were passed out,

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Speaker 1: and drive and have to come back and get me.

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Speaker 1: I mean, and uh, I look at my grandfather, go Grandpa,

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Speaker 1: like seven years old, like, why do you and I?

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Speaker 1: Why were such pals? Why don't we get along so well? Grandpa?

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Speaker 1: And he said, because we have a common enemy. And

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Speaker 1: I was like, what you know? And I was just

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Speaker 1: treated differently. Yeah, I mean, it was always hard for

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Speaker 1: me to understand, you know, other people in my family.

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Speaker 1: My brother, for instance, he was a great guy, but

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Speaker 1: he ever had any desire to leave Raleigh. Terribly terribly funny,

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Speaker 1: my brother. And when Amy was the Second City, we

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Speaker 1: tried to lure Paul to Chicago to get him to

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Speaker 1: go to Second City. He would have could have could

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Speaker 1: have done anything, but he wasn't interested. Whatever you think.

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Speaker 1: I don't know. From from early age, I just wanted

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Speaker 1: to go. I just wanted to go, and I wanted

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Speaker 1: to go everywhere I could and get as far away

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Speaker 1: as possible from the house that I grew up in.

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Speaker 1: What was the father who was the common enemy though?

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Speaker 1: That my dad? Yeah, he met my son and your

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Speaker 1: father we are something we both have concerned. I always

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Speaker 1: love that with a grandparent, like co opts the child

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Speaker 1: and tries to tin against my father. But but when

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Speaker 1: you leave and you don't finished school and then you

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Speaker 1: go to Chicago to get into the comedy world, you

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Speaker 1: want to perform. Now. I went to school for a year,

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Speaker 1: like I mean, like I don't know sees in high school.

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Speaker 1: And then I went to college. Uh, And I went

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Speaker 1: to Western Carolina University right in the mountains of North Carolina.

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Speaker 1: And then I thought, wow, I gotta get out of here.

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Speaker 1: And so I worked really hard and I made good

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Speaker 1: grades and then I could transfer out of state, and

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Speaker 1: so I chose Kent State. But I thought it was

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Speaker 1: a good school. It was famous because it was a

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Speaker 1: good school, but it was just famous because people have

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Speaker 1: been killed there. So that I went to Kent State.

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Speaker 1: And then I was like super anti drug in high

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Speaker 1: school and then I just, uh was drug crazy when

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Speaker 1: I was at Kent State. And then you know how

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Speaker 1: that is you miss an Italian class and then you

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Speaker 1: miss five Italian classes and then you're afraid to run

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Speaker 1: into the teacher. And I was waking bake and then

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Speaker 1: I just dropped out and then I dropped back in

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Speaker 1: to school when I was twenty seven, and I went

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Speaker 1: to the Art Institute. And it was mainly because I

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Speaker 1: wanted to come to New York. But Chicago seemed like

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Speaker 1: a good stepping stone, you know, like it is for

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Speaker 1: many people. Yeah, and it still is, so it was

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Speaker 1: it was a perfect place to go, really. So I

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Speaker 1: went to art school and then I took some writing

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Speaker 1: classes while I was there. I'd been writing already, and

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Speaker 1: I really cared about writing more than art. But it

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Speaker 1: was a smart move on my part because they had

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Speaker 1: really good teachers at the Art Institute, writing teachers, but nobody.

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Speaker 1: It wasn't a major, and I was the only student

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Speaker 1: who cared, so the teachers gave me all their attention.

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Speaker 1: It was like having my own private uh teachers. But

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Speaker 1: I got a really good education at the Art Institute.

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Speaker 1: So when you left Kent State and you go back

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Speaker 1: to finish, what do you do? How many years are

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Speaker 1: intervening and what do you do during those years? I

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Speaker 1: did a lot of drugs. I moved back to my

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Speaker 1: hometown and your house. You got your own place, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I got my own place at least, and I just,

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Speaker 1: you know, on my death bed, if they said, Okay,

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Speaker 1: what years did you waste? You know, what years would

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Speaker 1: you like to have back? Those would be the years

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Speaker 1: from when I was twenty two when I was twenty six.

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Speaker 1: I mean I I wrote every day, so I was working.

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Speaker 1: You know, I was never a lazy person that way.

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Speaker 1: Like well, you know, when I was doing artwork, I

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Speaker 1: did it every day, and I started writing. And when

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Speaker 1: I was twenty and then I did it every day.

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Speaker 1: You know, maybe I didn't have a job job, but

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Speaker 1: I was doing that stuff every day and reading about it,

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Speaker 1: and I was on fire, you know. You know, like

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Speaker 1: when you meet somebody and they say, well, I want

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Speaker 1: to be a writer or I want to be an artist,

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Speaker 1: And I say, well, is it all you care about?

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Speaker 1: Because if it's not, it's gonna be pretty hard for

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Speaker 1: you. You You know, if you're not on fire. You know,

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Speaker 1: you meet people like that and you can see him.

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Speaker 1: It's like it's like opening the door of an oven,

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Speaker 1: you know, and it's like wow. You know, you take

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Speaker 1: a step back. And that doesn't mean they're good, but

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Speaker 1: they're just intense and they're just it's all they think about,

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Speaker 1: it's all they talk about, it's all they care about.

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Speaker 1: They don't have relationships. They're not good friends for other people.

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Speaker 1: This is just but they're yeah for you writing, and

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Speaker 1: you are and I'm not just saying this. You are

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Speaker 1: this remarkably talented and gifted writer and very successful writer.

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Speaker 1: So when you sit down to write, what's the routine?

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Speaker 1: Is there a usual routine? I just get up and

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Speaker 1: go to my desk. I don't like to talk beforehand.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to, you know, talking to the phone

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Speaker 1: be the worst. But I mean my boyfriend Hugh, you know,

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Speaker 1: I might say hello, you know, we might say a

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Speaker 1: few words, but I just rather just save it from

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Speaker 1: my desk. And then I just go to my desk

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Speaker 1: every day, you know, not you know, like three and

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Speaker 1: a half hours in the morning, and then I go

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Speaker 1: back for another hour, hour and a half at night,

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Speaker 1: because you're only good for so long. And I do

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Speaker 1: it every day, like you know, when I'm on tour,

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Speaker 1: I just get up earlier than normal. Or now after

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Speaker 1: I quit smoking, then I could do it on airplanes,

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Speaker 1: and I could do it in the backseats of cars.

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Speaker 1: So let's just do it, you know. I finally the time,

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Speaker 1: you know, you always find the time if it's important

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Speaker 1: to you David Sedaris. If you enjoy conversations with insightful,

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Speaker 1: observational humorists, check out my episode with Lena Dunham. I

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Speaker 1: don't like a storyline that's like, you know, he bought

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Speaker 1: me an entire trousseau of dresses and so I'm his forever.

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Speaker 1: Like that's just not the way that I want to

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Speaker 1: I realize anything. The characters can make mistakes, but they

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Speaker 1: have to be emotionally responsible for the things that they've done.

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Speaker 1: I don't ever want to, like have a makeover scenario

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Speaker 1: where someone's doing better after they've put on a great

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Speaker 1: dress and you know, straight ironed their hair, Like it's

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Speaker 1: a really instinctual thing, but it's just a feeling uage.

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Speaker 1: I want women. This is so kind of hippidip, but

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Speaker 1: I want them to make their own choices. To hear

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Speaker 1: more of my conversation with Lena Dunham, go to Here's

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Speaker 1: the Thing dot Org. After the break, David Sedaris tells

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Speaker 1: us about how his fraud relationship with his father changed

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Speaker 1: at the end of his life. I'm Alec Baldwin and

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Speaker 1: you're listening to hear is the Thing In David Sedaris's

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Speaker 1: latest book, Happy go Lucky. The author revisits moments of

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Speaker 1: his life with his ailing father. It's an unflinching look

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Speaker 1: at some of the darker chapters of their history. I

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Speaker 1: was curious what the reaction has been to him revealing

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Speaker 1: these family secrets My father was. I had a book

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Speaker 1: signing last night, and somebody said, um, you know that

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Speaker 1: they'd come to see a show that I did a

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Speaker 1: couple of years ago, and that there was a woman

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Speaker 1: who worked at the theater whose job it was to

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Speaker 1: maintain the book signing line, and she kept saying to

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Speaker 1: everybody who comes by, no one should talk about their

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Speaker 1: father that way. That's a shame what he was saying

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Speaker 1: up there about his father. No one should talk about

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Speaker 1: their father that way. Then, don't be a dick, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like, I don't believe that rule

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Speaker 1: that I was gonna ask you, is that is the

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Speaker 1: rule that so long as it's true? Yeah, I mean,

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Speaker 1: I'm feeling like, if you don't, if you want people

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Speaker 1: to talk about you in a different way, be a

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Speaker 1: good person, right. I would never I wouldn't write such

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Speaker 1: things about my mother. I would have no. She was

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Speaker 1: a lovely person. She was you know, I mean yeah,

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Speaker 1: she was a one. I was thirty four when my

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Speaker 1: mother died. But my mother was always my mother, you know,

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Speaker 1: she and I were crazy about each other. So when

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Speaker 1: she died, then it was like I was kind of

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Speaker 1: alone in the family, like I didn't have a parent,

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Speaker 1: you know, because my father just he just could never

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Speaker 1: stand me. I mean it was always, you know, from

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Speaker 1: when I was a kid. And I'm not saying that

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Speaker 1: in a boo whoey way, because I had my mother,

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Speaker 1: so it wasn't like I didn't have anybody. But you know,

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Speaker 1: somebody dislikes you that strongly, and you think, well, i'll

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Speaker 1: do this and that'll make him like me, and I'll

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Speaker 1: try this, and and then after a while you realize,

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Speaker 1: like the thing you can do. But at the very

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Speaker 1: end of his life, just the very end the past

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Speaker 1: few months, you know, he started going to the front

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Speaker 1: desk it is this just a living center and asking

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Speaker 1: for his mother, right or you'd call and he would say, oh,

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Speaker 1: the guys from my BM are all here, and we

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Speaker 1: we I've just been talking to them. And he developed

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Speaker 1: like the mania, not so that he didn't know who

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Speaker 1: we were, but he forgot that he was uh, really

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Speaker 1: difficult person, and he was lovely the last time I

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Speaker 1: saw him. He was just because before that, like if

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Speaker 1: my father and I were on the phone, like all

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Speaker 1: of his conversations were just superficial. How the hell are

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Speaker 1: you so? How how's your health? How are you? I

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Speaker 1: mean a lot of the way my dad was. It

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Speaker 1: was just the way that guys were his age, you know,

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Speaker 1: I mean, it was pretty normal to slap your kids around.

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Speaker 1: That was pretty normal. It's pretty normal to just come

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Speaker 1: home from work and expect them all to shut up

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Speaker 1: and tiptoe around you. All that stuff I understand. You know,

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Speaker 1: Um didn't didn't really have any friends, you know, any

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Speaker 1: male friends, didn't. When my mother died, I worried my

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Speaker 1: dad would be lonely. And then he had these neighbors,

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Speaker 1: the Wolfheimer's, and they stepped in and they started inviting

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Speaker 1: my dad to their house for dinner, and so he

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Speaker 1: had somebody to hang out with. And then he tripped

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Speaker 1: on some wet leaves and the driver I go into

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Speaker 1: their house for dinner, and he sued him and he said,

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Speaker 1: it's not them, he spanned, it's the insurance company. It's like,

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Speaker 1: it's not like he broke his leg or anything. Either

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Speaker 1: you know now, when Happy Go Lucky, did you feel

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Speaker 1: like you needed that permission from people surviving members of

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Speaker 1: your family? Did you like run it buy them to

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Speaker 1: see how they felt, or you don't think about that? No,

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Speaker 1: I know, I mean I generally do. I mean. There

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Speaker 1: was an essay that I sent to my sister Lisa

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Speaker 1: Um and it was called pussy Toes and it was

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Speaker 1: about my my dad's funeral and I sent it to

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Speaker 1: her and I had said in there that the coffin

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Speaker 1: she chose was ugly, right, and and that really hurt

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Speaker 1: her feelings. And then she responded, you know, I think

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Speaker 1: you maybe need to stop writing about dad until you

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Speaker 1: figure some stuff out. And then luckily I had Amy there,

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Speaker 1: and Amy's like, it was ugly, you know, the coffin

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Speaker 1: was just you know, but I said good things about

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Speaker 1: my sister Lisa and it, but like, there's plenty of

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Speaker 1: good things, so I just the only bad thing I

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Speaker 1: said was that the coffin. Yeah, that's the only bad thing.

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Speaker 1: But it doesn't work. You know, if you're just hard

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Speaker 1: on everybody but you're not hard on yourself, you know,

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Speaker 1: then that does. Everybody can can smell that a mile

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Speaker 1: away now, Um, I'm assuming that the main activity for

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Speaker 1: you as book sales. You're selling books, Well, I'm I

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Speaker 1: think I'm getting more from going on tour. I have

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Speaker 1: a lecture agent, so I go on tour. So I usually,

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Speaker 1: like this past year, I went to like hundred and

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Speaker 1: twenty cities, you know, in theaters, so I'm reading in theaters.

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Speaker 1: So but I'm saying that the books that you're promoting

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Speaker 1: at the time are the center of the appearance. Uh. Well,

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Speaker 1: usually when I when I go on tour, like I

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Speaker 1: have new material and I read it out loud, and

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Speaker 1: then I go back to the room and read yet, No,

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Speaker 1: it hadn't been published, and I just find it out, yeah,

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Speaker 1: testing it out and polishing it up, and then then

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Speaker 1: I usually give it to my editor at the New

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Speaker 1: York or at the end of a tour. So I

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Speaker 1: try to learn as much as on my own as

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Speaker 1: I can before I turn it over to somebody else.

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Speaker 1: Are there cities that you go to You said you

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Speaker 1: went to a hundred and twenty gigs last year. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I went to seventy four cities in the all and

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Speaker 1: then I went to Uh, I just finished forty four

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Speaker 1: more cities, and then I went to some in between.

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Speaker 1: There two in Canada and on the West coast. But

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Speaker 1: we'll defined city when you say seventy four cities, are

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Speaker 1: you right? You know, I was just in Skagway, Alaska. Okay.

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Speaker 1: I think seven hundred people live in Skagway. A quarter

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Speaker 1: of the population came to see me, though. I mean,

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Speaker 1: can you imagine if quarter of the population New York

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Speaker 1: came to see you, that'd be a pretty big theater,

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Speaker 1: you know. But I used to listen, remember, you know,

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Speaker 1: you'd see people on talk shows Johnny Carson or whatever,

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Speaker 1: and they would say, and I'm gonna be in Oklahoma

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Speaker 1: City or I'm gonna be in um uh, Salina, Kansas,

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Speaker 1: And you think, what a loser. But I didn't realize

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Speaker 1: at the time. If you can sell tickets in Salina,

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Speaker 1: if you can sell tickets in Oklahoma City, you're doing

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Speaker 1: pretty good. Of course, you can sell them in Chicago

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Speaker 1: and San Francisco and Los Angeles, but if you can

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Speaker 1: play the small all her towns. So I'm getting ready

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Speaker 1: to go on a UK tour, and I'm going to

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Speaker 1: a lot of dinky places in the UK because I

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Speaker 1: have a radio show there, so then people will come.

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Speaker 1: So you're gonna go to a lot of dinky towns

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Speaker 1: and in England. Yeah, who who maps this out for you?

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Speaker 1: Who do sets the whole thing? Yeah? I have a

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Speaker 1: lecture agent and he just tells me where to go,

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Speaker 1: and I go, and I don't put up any Skagway, Alaska. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: And but I'm so glad that I went to Skagway.

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Speaker 1: Like a lot of those little towns. I went to Alaska,

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Speaker 1: like there's no place to buy a tie, and everyone

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Speaker 1: is dressed to kill something and then to bathe in

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Speaker 1: its blood, right, like everybody is a slum, right, But

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Speaker 1: there was only some. I met a woman and she

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Speaker 1: had had she had cancer, and so she was flying.

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Speaker 1: He had been flying from Skagway to Houston once a

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Speaker 1: week right for treatment. And she said, well, we have

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Speaker 1: good you know, we're lucky. We have good health insurance

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Speaker 1: my husband and and I said, how did you afford

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Speaker 1: the tickets? And she said the community, She said, when

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Speaker 1: you live in a place like this, you know, if

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Speaker 1: your house burns down, everybody builds you a new one.

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Speaker 1: If you're sick, everybody chips in. Everybody, she said, even

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Speaker 1: if they don't like you. And I thought, well that's

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Speaker 1: why people live there, because you know, if my neighbor

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Speaker 1: downstairs for me in New York, if her apartment caught

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Speaker 1: on fire, I'd let her stand my guest room, you know,

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Speaker 1: for a night. But it's a little bit different. We're

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Speaker 1: not or if she needed something from the grocery store,

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Speaker 1: I'm happy to go, but we're not from the nearest hospital.

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Speaker 1: We're not gonna die if our heat goes out on Tuesday.

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Speaker 1: So it's it's really kind of a beautiful thing, and

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Speaker 1: it's something I didn't understand, and it's something that people

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Speaker 1: are willing to It's a fair exchange to them. Like

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Speaker 1: I'm willing to exchange access to a hospital. I'm willing

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Speaker 1: to exchange the ability to buy a a bow tie

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Speaker 1: whenever I want to, for community, for for feeling like

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Speaker 1: I'm part of a fan way when I walk out

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Speaker 1: my door every morning and I thought, gosh, how didn't

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Speaker 1: I how how did I not understand that before? Author

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Speaker 1: David Sedaris. If you're enjoying this conversation, tell a friend

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Speaker 1: and be sure to follow here's the thing on the

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Speaker 1: I Heart radio app, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Speaker 1: When we come back, David Sedaris tells us why we

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Speaker 1: should never get under the hood of our relationships. I'm

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Speaker 1: Alec Baldwin and you were listening to Here's the thing.

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Speaker 1: David Saderis had to pause his normal itinerary of book

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Speaker 1: tours and speaking engagements due to the pandemic. I wondered

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Speaker 1: what it was like to resume his schedule in a

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Speaker 1: changed world. At that point, you still had to most places.

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Speaker 1: You know, you wore masks, and you wore masks on

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Speaker 1: the airplane. You wore masks on the airport. But masks

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Speaker 1: became a campaign button in the United States. And so

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Speaker 1: one good thing about about dropping mask mandates, because I

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Speaker 1: don't think it's always good to have a campaign button on.

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Speaker 1: I don't think it's always good to know where somebody

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Speaker 1: stands from a distance of twelve feet away. I feel

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Speaker 1: like that separated us even more. And I would get

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Speaker 1: on a plane every day there'd be some kind of

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Speaker 1: a thing on a plane. Somebody would say to the

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Speaker 1: flight attendant, Oh, let me get this straight, right. So

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Speaker 1: if I lowered my drink to drink my mask to

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Speaker 1: drink a coke, you can't get my COVID right, you know.

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Speaker 1: And of course it doesn't make any sense, you know,

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Speaker 1: but that's not the flight attendant's fault. So there was

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Speaker 1: just there was just animosity everywhere, you know, you just

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Speaker 1: every day. It was in a hotel, it was in

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Speaker 1: a you know, nobody liked saying to somebody, excuse me,

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Speaker 1: could you pull your mask up? Nobody liked being told

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Speaker 1: your mask wasn't up high in off. So but on

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Speaker 1: this last tour that I went on, things seemed a

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Speaker 1: lot calmer. But I didn't notice everyone says perfect. Now

426
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:11,880
Speaker 1: do you have you noticed that I'd like to check

427
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:15,960
Speaker 1: out of my hotel. I'm perfect, It's the answer to everything. Perfect.

428
00:24:16,600 --> 00:24:19,040
Speaker 1: And have you noticed are more and more people calling

429
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:21,639
Speaker 1: you boss lately? I'd like to check out of my

430
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:25,760
Speaker 1: hotel room? Okay, boss? More coffee? Boss? And I said

431
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:27,240
Speaker 1: to someone a while ago, I said, you know what,

432
00:24:27,359 --> 00:24:29,159
Speaker 1: I don't want to be a pain? I said, please,

433
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:32,320
Speaker 1: please don't call me that. What am I supposed to

434
00:24:32,359 --> 00:24:35,000
Speaker 1: call you? I said, sir? Would work. I said, that's

435
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:38,159
Speaker 1: what I call you. But I noticed an uptick in that,

436
00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:41,080
Speaker 1: and I'm not sure where that comes from. I noticed,

437
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:43,960
Speaker 1: you know, for me, my experience during the COVID which

438
00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,640
Speaker 1: has made me so yeah, I got a lot of kids.

439
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,600
Speaker 1: I got six counts sixty four years old, and my

440
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:52,600
Speaker 1: wife's having another baby. So it's insane. It's insane. I

441
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:55,360
Speaker 1: think that's nice for the kids, So I think, I mean,

442
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:59,440
Speaker 1: I feel no. I can't always feel bad for someone

443
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:03,280
Speaker 1: who's an own child. But if you're one of six,

444
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:06,719
Speaker 1: I think that's the greatest thing. S No. I grew

445
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,359
Speaker 1: up with six, and the only thing I find is

446
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,080
Speaker 1: that when you're when they're six so tight together, they're

447
00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:17,960
Speaker 1: going through these changes so quickly. So someone my son,

448
00:25:18,359 --> 00:25:19,920
Speaker 1: they get all this from a TV and we have

449
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,400
Speaker 1: every filter on there. You can imagine. Now, my son Romeo,

450
00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:27,000
Speaker 1: he's just the most exquisitely beautiful child you've ever seen

451
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:29,920
Speaker 1: in your life. Is gorgeous. I think all my kids

452
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:33,840
Speaker 1: are beautiful. My son Romeo is very sweet and very tender,

453
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:38,199
Speaker 1: and he's very seductive, and everyone's constantly running their fingers

454
00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:42,160
Speaker 1: through his hair and massaging him. And he's he's four.

455
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:44,919
Speaker 1: And uh, I said to him, now, I don't want

456
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,760
Speaker 1: you to bring these toys to the dinner table because

457
00:25:48,160 --> 00:25:50,520
Speaker 1: you don't eat. I said, you're playing with the toys

458
00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:51,720
Speaker 1: and you're not eating. I want you to eat, and

459
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,439
Speaker 1: then we'll play with the toys. And he looks at

460
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,320
Speaker 1: me and he squints, and it was literally like he

461
00:25:56,520 --> 00:26:00,359
Speaker 1: literally was mimicking unintentionally Eastwood to me looked at me

462
00:26:00,359 --> 00:26:06,400
Speaker 1: and he goes, you're a bit. And my mouth goes

463
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,560
Speaker 1: down to the floor of the playroom or we're in

464
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:10,960
Speaker 1: the playroom of our house along and I go and

465
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:12,879
Speaker 1: I'm gonna try not to laugh, and I go, what

466
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:16,040
Speaker 1: did you say? And with this like really tough inflection,

467
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:20,399
Speaker 1: he goes, I call you a bit, Like what are

468
00:26:20,440 --> 00:26:22,879
Speaker 1: you going to do about it? And I thought to myself,

469
00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:27,359
Speaker 1: and all of them go into a place and right

470
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:30,720
Speaker 1: is one. There's one leaving that phase, one fully in

471
00:26:30,840 --> 00:26:33,080
Speaker 1: that phase, the others coming into that phase. So I

472
00:26:33,160 --> 00:26:35,320
Speaker 1: got three kids who, in various times of the day,

473
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:39,120
Speaker 1: you're going, fuck you, you know, and I'm I sit

474
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:40,520
Speaker 1: there with my wife and I go, what am I

475
00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:43,479
Speaker 1: gonna do? What am I gonna do? Now? A lot

476
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:47,200
Speaker 1: of what you do? I mean Santa Diaries, Santa Lan Diaries,

477
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,800
Speaker 1: which everybody knows that piece, and it becomes that's like

478
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:54,840
Speaker 1: the annual classic on the public radio crowd and everybody

479
00:26:54,880 --> 00:26:57,760
Speaker 1: loves sant Alan Diaries, and but a lot of it

480
00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:00,480
Speaker 1: is due as your performance. You know, a lot of

481
00:27:00,560 --> 00:27:03,479
Speaker 1: it is you're you know, you're like this black comedy.

482
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:05,159
Speaker 1: You might as well be Olivier. And I mean, you

483
00:27:05,359 --> 00:27:08,159
Speaker 1: just got it down, the readings and the inflections. No

484
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:10,600
Speaker 1: acting for you. You never wanted to act on camera ever.

485
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,360
Speaker 1: I was in drama club in high school, and when

486
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:17,040
Speaker 1: I remember in class when we would have to read

487
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,840
Speaker 1: out loud before drama club, I would think, oh, call

488
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,800
Speaker 1: on me, call on me, and I couldn't believe it

489
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,520
Speaker 1: when the teacher would call on somebody and they would

490
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:28,800
Speaker 1: do a shitty job reading out loud from whatever, even

491
00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,080
Speaker 1: if it was even if it was cold, you know

492
00:27:31,119 --> 00:27:33,359
Speaker 1: what I mean. Like, I thought, I can do it,

493
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:36,800
Speaker 1: you know, give it to me. But then on stage,

494
00:27:36,840 --> 00:27:39,840
Speaker 1: I never know what to do with my hands, right,

495
00:27:39,960 --> 00:27:44,920
Speaker 1: So I'm not. I'm I freeze up physically. And Peter

496
00:27:45,080 --> 00:27:48,200
Speaker 1: Fairley Um said to me a couple of years ago,

497
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:49,879
Speaker 1: he said, I'm doing this TV show. I want to

498
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:51,880
Speaker 1: write a part for you. And I said, oh, that's

499
00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:53,760
Speaker 1: so sweet of you. I said, but I'm not. I'm

500
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,719
Speaker 1: not an actor. And he said, well, I'm gonna make

501
00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:58,480
Speaker 1: you one. I said, no, I really am not. I said,

502
00:27:58,480 --> 00:28:00,000
Speaker 1: I don't know what to do with my hands on stage.

503
00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:03,800
Speaker 1: He said, I'll write apart. You're you'll be somebody who

504
00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:08,880
Speaker 1: was born without arms. You're a limbless You're a limbless attorney.

505
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:10,399
Speaker 1: But then I thought, you know, if you were an

506
00:28:10,440 --> 00:28:12,600
Speaker 1: actor with no arms, you'd be like, what do you do?

507
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:14,760
Speaker 1: You mean? I didn't get the part, but I like

508
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,760
Speaker 1: my little station. You know, I'm just there at my lectern,

509
00:28:18,359 --> 00:28:20,000
Speaker 1: and they often say when I get there for the

510
00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:23,359
Speaker 1: sound check, you move around. I say, no, I'm just

511
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:26,440
Speaker 1: gonna be here all night, just right here behind mine.

512
00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:29,280
Speaker 1: You're a lazy bastard. I don't know if it's lazy.

513
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:33,119
Speaker 1: I just it's not. I don't know, no, I you know,

514
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:35,640
Speaker 1: I always feel like it's important to try to grow

515
00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:39,200
Speaker 1: and try new things, But whenever they're presented to me,

516
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:42,080
Speaker 1: I think that's not really my thing. You got a

517
00:28:42,120 --> 00:28:47,320
Speaker 1: few houses around the world, New York, North Carolina, the

518
00:28:47,440 --> 00:28:51,800
Speaker 1: English countryside, Paris. I mean I always wonder was somebody

519
00:28:51,880 --> 00:28:55,040
Speaker 1: like you the home in England and and Paris. There's

520
00:28:55,080 --> 00:28:57,320
Speaker 1: places I'd love to go to to live. I really

521
00:28:57,560 --> 00:28:59,160
Speaker 1: take my whole family with me. We'll work it out,

522
00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:01,800
Speaker 1: we'll figure it out. I don't know. If the schools

523
00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:03,560
Speaker 1: are right, we will tell I want to I'd love

524
00:29:03,560 --> 00:29:06,440
Speaker 1: to live in London for a couple of years. And

525
00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:09,800
Speaker 1: because New York is just such a mess. I mean,

526
00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:11,400
Speaker 1: I tell people I go to other countries and you

527
00:29:11,480 --> 00:29:13,800
Speaker 1: come back in. New York is the filthiest city in

528
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:17,280
Speaker 1: the world. But no one is motivating people in the

529
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:19,760
Speaker 1: city to be civic minded. No one's saying to them,

530
00:29:20,440 --> 00:29:23,680
Speaker 1: we live here, let's do things for the people. And

531
00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:27,240
Speaker 1: the people who live here this is their home. They

532
00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:31,040
Speaker 1: come last. The people who reside in New York come less.

533
00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:33,400
Speaker 1: And that always irks me because other cities I go to,

534
00:29:33,560 --> 00:29:35,720
Speaker 1: I'm like they have. I was in Rome shooting a film,

535
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:39,480
Speaker 1: and like places gleaming, it's clean and there's bathrooms too.

536
00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:41,880
Speaker 1: This is the hardest city to pan. That's why if

537
00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:43,800
Speaker 1: I get when I get old, I want to live

538
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:47,240
Speaker 1: in Tokyo. You've never seen every subway station has a

539
00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:50,920
Speaker 1: sparkling clean bathroom, and every there's a seven eleven on

540
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:54,719
Speaker 1: every block or a large room scenario, and every one

541
00:29:54,760 --> 00:29:56,800
Speaker 1: of them has a sparkling bathroom, and they invite you

542
00:29:56,880 --> 00:29:59,680
Speaker 1: to use. You don't even to buy anything. So when

543
00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:03,360
Speaker 1: you're bladder runs out, you know, wears out. That's where

544
00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:06,400
Speaker 1: you need to go to Japan. I said to my wife.

545
00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:08,520
Speaker 1: I said to it, let's take the kids and go

546
00:30:08,720 --> 00:30:12,840
Speaker 1: live in a hotel, a luxury hotel, and we'll go

547
00:30:13,120 --> 00:30:16,200
Speaker 1: and live in eight different cities during their childhood, and

548
00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:20,520
Speaker 1: we'll move every year. Rome Vienna. I'm dying to go

549
00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:23,040
Speaker 1: and we do that. Well, everybody acts like having your

550
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:26,480
Speaker 1: kid changed schools. It's going to traumatize that child forever.

551
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:29,560
Speaker 1: Get used to it. You know, my boyfriend, Hugh, his

552
00:30:29,680 --> 00:30:32,200
Speaker 1: dad with the Foreign Service, so he lived all over

553
00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:34,520
Speaker 1: Africa when he was growing up, and they moved all

554
00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:38,640
Speaker 1: the time. They survived. You met him where in New

555
00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:40,640
Speaker 1: York when I very first moved to New York. In

556
00:30:42,120 --> 00:30:44,280
Speaker 1: I was doing a painting job with this woman painting

557
00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:47,120
Speaker 1: an apartment and we needed a ladder and she knew

558
00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:48,960
Speaker 1: a guy who had a ladder. So we went to

559
00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:52,680
Speaker 1: his loft and I met him, and I thought, oh,

560
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:57,400
Speaker 1: that's going to be my boyfriend, and maybe might not

561
00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:02,000
Speaker 1: happen today, might have happen tomorrow, but I crossed it

562
00:31:02,040 --> 00:31:07,040
Speaker 1: off my list, and yeah, and it worked out. You know,

563
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:10,960
Speaker 1: thirty one years, someone's got to stay together, right, that's

564
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:17,959
Speaker 1: a secret. Never to discuss your relationship with each other.

565
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:21,840
Speaker 1: With each other. Yeah, no, you can talk about it

566
00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:24,760
Speaker 1: with other people, but you never look under the hood

567
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:28,280
Speaker 1: of your relationship ever. I can't wait to come and

568
00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:31,920
Speaker 1: tell my wife. Yeah, never, because my wife is pretty

569
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:35,800
Speaker 1: much lives under the hood. There. She got the lamp

570
00:31:35,880 --> 00:31:39,680
Speaker 1: hooked up. Yeah, she got that lamp on a hoop.

571
00:31:39,760 --> 00:31:43,960
Speaker 1: That the mechanics have got it all man. Yeah, she

572
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:47,280
Speaker 1: doesn't stop. And then I think one person in the

573
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:52,560
Speaker 1: relationship has to make themselves indispensable. And so Hugh has

574
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:56,560
Speaker 1: done that with cooking and then with I don't open

575
00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:59,760
Speaker 1: any envelope, it doesn't look like fan mail. And so

576
00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:02,200
Speaker 1: Hugh opens all the mail and takes care of all

577
00:32:02,280 --> 00:32:04,960
Speaker 1: that stuff. And you know, there's always something going on

578
00:32:05,200 --> 00:32:08,560
Speaker 1: like the you know, or hurricane destroys the beach house

579
00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:12,080
Speaker 1: in North Carolina, or you know, there's there's a leak

580
00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:15,200
Speaker 1: at the house in Sussex. He takes care of all that.

581
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:19,560
Speaker 1: He's indispensable. No one, I'd have to hire five people

582
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:25,960
Speaker 1: to replace you. Margaret Thatcher's husband. He's taking care of

583
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:29,120
Speaker 1: all the things off stage, and you know, he's got

584
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:31,720
Speaker 1: his own stuff going on as well. I remember my

585
00:32:31,840 --> 00:32:33,960
Speaker 1: dad saying one time out of nowhere. We're in the

586
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:35,920
Speaker 1: car and he said, you know, I've never cheated on

587
00:32:36,000 --> 00:32:38,600
Speaker 1: your mother. And it came out of nowhere. We weren't

588
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,280
Speaker 1: talking about anything, we weren't even talking. He just said it.

589
00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:44,400
Speaker 1: And then I thought, well, that makes it sounds like

590
00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:48,240
Speaker 1: you have. Right, So when I say I've never cheated

591
00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:50,680
Speaker 1: on Hugh, that makes it sound like I have. But

592
00:32:50,760 --> 00:32:52,640
Speaker 1: I mean, I think that's part of it too. It's

593
00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:56,400
Speaker 1: important to both of us, and so we've always been

594
00:32:56,440 --> 00:32:59,720
Speaker 1: able to trust the other person that way, And so

595
00:33:00,480 --> 00:33:04,040
Speaker 1: do not stay lucky there. You're lucky. Yeah. The thing

596
00:33:04,120 --> 00:33:07,160
Speaker 1: about you that I learned from reading and knowing you

597
00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:09,440
Speaker 1: on the air and listening to you and reading your

598
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:12,640
Speaker 1: essays and so forth, is that you're one of those

599
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,520
Speaker 1: rare people. And I think you really are one of

600
00:33:15,560 --> 00:33:18,280
Speaker 1: those rare people where for the most part, I mean

601
00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,520
Speaker 1: there might be some amendments, you ended up exactly where

602
00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:24,479
Speaker 1: you wanted to be, exactly, You're doing what you want

603
00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:26,400
Speaker 1: to do. You live with the person you want to

604
00:33:26,440 --> 00:33:28,880
Speaker 1: live with. Your life is this wonderful life, and you're

605
00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:32,160
Speaker 1: and it all is like I really would have to

606
00:33:32,160 --> 00:33:33,960
Speaker 1: struggle to figure how it could be any better than

607
00:33:34,000 --> 00:33:37,320
Speaker 1: it is now. But it's it's exactly the life I

608
00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:41,920
Speaker 1: imagine from myself when I was young, And I don't

609
00:33:41,920 --> 00:33:44,160
Speaker 1: know what I did to make it happen other than work.

610
00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:46,160
Speaker 1: I mean, I was never a hustler that way. I

611
00:33:46,240 --> 00:33:49,840
Speaker 1: never tried to get people to, you know, read what

612
00:33:49,920 --> 00:33:52,680
Speaker 1: I'd written or allow me to read somewhere. I just

613
00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:55,920
Speaker 1: waited for people to ask me and so, and I

614
00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:58,360
Speaker 1: would say yes, and then somebody else would ask and

615
00:33:58,400 --> 00:34:02,040
Speaker 1: I would say yes and so. But you know, people

616
00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:06,280
Speaker 1: like for someone to be their idea, you know, they

617
00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:08,400
Speaker 1: don't They don't like to be manipulated. They don't like

618
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:10,480
Speaker 1: to have their arm twisted, you know. But if it's

619
00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:16,400
Speaker 1: your idea, people people like helping people, you know, But

620
00:34:16,719 --> 00:34:19,960
Speaker 1: let them help you. Don't put it in their ear,

621
00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:23,439
Speaker 1: don't make the suggestion. Just be the kind of person

622
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:27,160
Speaker 1: that people want to help and people will help you. Um.

623
00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:29,680
Speaker 1: I just want to say thank you so much, thank you.

624
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,520
Speaker 1: I'm Alec Baldwin. Here's the thing is brought to you

625
00:34:35,000 --> 00:34:40,760
Speaker 1: by iHeart Radio once again, David Sedaris. At that moment,

626
00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:44,279
Speaker 1: two E M T s bounded in both young and

627
00:34:44,560 --> 00:34:48,360
Speaker 1: bearded like lumberjacks. Each took an elbow and helped my

628
00:34:48,480 --> 00:34:52,239
Speaker 1: father to stand. Are we going somewhere? He asked, Back

629
00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:55,879
Speaker 1: to the hospital. The woman shouted, all right, My father

630
00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:59,880
Speaker 1: said okay. They wheeled them out, and the woman ex

631
00:35:00,040 --> 00:35:03,400
Speaker 1: blamed that while the staff would remove bloodstains from the carpet,

632
00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:06,319
Speaker 1: it was a family's job to get them off any

633
00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:11,279
Speaker 1: privately owned furniture. I can bring you some towels, she suggested.

634
00:35:12,200 --> 00:35:14,879
Speaker 1: A few minutes later, another aide walked into the room.

635
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:19,879
Speaker 1: Excuse me, she said, but are you the famous son.

636
00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:24,640
Speaker 1: I'm a pretty sorry excuse for famous, I told her,

637
00:35:24,719 --> 00:35:32,680
Speaker 1: But yes, I'm his son, So you're Dave Dave Chappelle.

638
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:47,920
Speaker 1: Can I have your autograph? Actually? Can I have to? Uh? Sure?

639
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:53,439
Speaker 1: I said, I just joined Hugh and cleaning the easy chair.

640
00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:56,480
Speaker 1: When the woman, who seemed slightly nervous the way you

641
00:35:56,640 --> 00:36:00,799
Speaker 1: might be around a world famous comedian who was young

642
00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:03,359
Speaker 1: and black and has his whole life ahead of him,

643
00:36:05,680 --> 00:36:14,880
Speaker 1: return for two more autographs. H