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Speaker 1: This is Kelly Henderson, and you were listening to the

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Speaker 1: Velvet's Edge podcast. Well, it is February, which I kind

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Speaker 1: of consider the month of love, so I wanted to

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Speaker 1: have some experts on to help us work through relationships

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Speaker 1: and love and finding the right relationship for you. Uh. Today,

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Speaker 1: my guest is relationship and sex expert research psychologist Ted X,

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Speaker 1: speaker and best selling author Jolie Hamilton's I have to

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Speaker 1: tell you guys that I had multiple aha moments as

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Speaker 1: we talked through conscious relationships and just jealousy and the

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Speaker 1: biggest issues that Jolie sees and her work with couples,

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Speaker 1: specifically those who are entrepreneurs. However, according to Jolie, everyone

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Speaker 1: falls under some category of entrepreneur, whether it's at work,

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Speaker 1: at home, or both. She was so insightful about issues

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Speaker 1: couple's face, but also for all my single folks out there.

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Speaker 1: She gave really amazing tips on finding the relationship you

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Speaker 1: want and what it takes to get there. Here's our conversation. Okay, well,

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Speaker 1: it's February, which obviously is easily known as the month

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Speaker 1: of love, so I felt like relationships would be a

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Speaker 1: really good topic to kind of approach in different, different

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Speaker 1: aspects of relationships this month is what I'm focusing on

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Speaker 1: above and such. So I wanted to talk to you

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Speaker 1: a lot about relationships as we have them now, especially

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Speaker 1: if you are an entrepreneur, which is what you kind

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Speaker 1: of specialize in. And I don't have never thought of

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Speaker 1: it in these terms of just how would being an

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Speaker 1: entrepreneur affect my home life or my dating relationships, my partnerships, um.

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Speaker 1: And I was doing a lot of research with the

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Speaker 1: stuff that you've researched, and I thought about it. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: of course it does. Like that just makes total sense.

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Speaker 1: So a lot of the relationship work that you do

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Speaker 1: is just around the dynamic of a woman who is

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Speaker 1: also an entrepreneur. So can you tell us what are

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Speaker 1: some of the things that you see people bumping up

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Speaker 1: against in these situations? Oh? Yeahsolutely. So I approach relationship

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Speaker 1: work as being like it's it is. It is whole

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Speaker 1: life work, right, Your relationships impact everything. Um. But I've

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Speaker 1: also been an entrepreneur my whole life. I've only ever

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Speaker 1: worked for other people a tiny little smidgeon and I

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Speaker 1: think that that informed how I approach my relationships. And

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Speaker 1: what I mean is when people have an entrepreneurial attitude.

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Speaker 1: So you don't have to be like in a startup

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Speaker 1: or you know, a one woman show to be entrepreneurial.

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Speaker 1: Entrepreneur comes from the French to manage, right, like people

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Speaker 1: who are doing their own thing, And that's a lot

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Speaker 1: of us. I think people who are out there getting

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Speaker 1: stuff done, making a life, whether they're piecing it together

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Speaker 1: from a bunch of different jobs or a bunch of

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Speaker 1: different um ideas, that they're just like glomming together into

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Speaker 1: a career. Those people they know that they're in the

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Speaker 1: driver's seat of their life, right. So people who approach

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Speaker 1: their life that way in their career, well, sadly, they

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Speaker 1: don't always translate that skill into their home life, into

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Speaker 1: their love life. In fact, some of the people I

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Speaker 1: know who have struggled the most when they're dating or

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Speaker 1: trying to settle into a nice long term relationship, they

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Speaker 1: can really thrive in they're so smart, and they're so

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Speaker 1: brilliant and so able to like knock things out of

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Speaker 1: the park in business, and then they just make these

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Speaker 1: same mistakes over and over again. And so I wanted

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Speaker 1: to approach this problem and say, let's transfer the skills

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Speaker 1: you know, entrepreneurs are good at um tolerating risk and

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Speaker 1: communicating in hard situations and learning how to diversify what

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Speaker 1: they're doing. Those are transferable to our relationships. But we

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Speaker 1: have to think about it that way. So that was

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Speaker 1: where the idea for this came and I just started

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Speaker 1: walking down that road. Why doesn't that translate out? That's

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Speaker 1: interesting to think about it that way because if you

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Speaker 1: go to work every day, especially if you own your

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Speaker 1: own business, every day is different. You're pro different problems,

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Speaker 1: you are met with different risks, like you said, and

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Speaker 1: there's a lot to navigate and you kind of have

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Speaker 1: to just roll with the punches. It's a lot about

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Speaker 1: um finding solutions, you know, and not focusing on the problem.

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Speaker 1: Why aren't we just naturally doing that in our relationships

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Speaker 1: because Freud was wrong about a lot of things, but

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Speaker 1: he wasn't wrong about everything. Okay, you got one thing right,

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Speaker 1: and that is that our early life impact how we

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Speaker 1: walk around in the world. Right. Um. So I'm not

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Speaker 1: a Freidan. I kind of loosely follow my young in training. UM,

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Speaker 1: but I know that as bright and shiny as I

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Speaker 1: am when I am in a boardroom or I am

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Speaker 1: working on a new deal. When I'm at home and

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Speaker 1: I'm dealing with a tough situation with my lover, it

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Speaker 1: is so much more natural to my body, Like it

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Speaker 1: feels right in my body to act out the patterns

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Speaker 1: that I saw early in life. So my primary caregivers, relationships,

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Speaker 1: or whoever I was witnessing, like you know, most of us,

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Speaker 1: it's our parents, but it might be anybody who forms

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Speaker 1: that core idea of what it means to love each

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Speaker 1: other and then chips and we look to be loved

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Speaker 1: in those same ways our bodies do, like we look

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Speaker 1: for it with our are like most unconscious self looks

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Speaker 1: for these patterns that weren't necessarily helpful. How many of

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Speaker 1: us were raised in a household where we could truly

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Speaker 1: say our parents just they just did love well. They

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Speaker 1: were communicative and and gentle with each other and supportive,

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Speaker 1: like parents make mistakes. A parent, I have seven kids,

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Speaker 1: I screw up. They're gonna have to go out in

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Speaker 1: the world and figure out how to deal with the

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Speaker 1: wounds that I've left them. Each generation has that right.

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Speaker 1: So this burden that we bear, it shows up in

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Speaker 1: love so much more than it shows up in business,

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Speaker 1: because in business we we like put on our let's

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Speaker 1: engage our prefrontal cortex. Let's I show up and I

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Speaker 1: try to apply myself in this very um structured way.

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Speaker 1: But then the body can't stay that way all the time.

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Speaker 1: So we want to come home, and we want to

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Speaker 1: come into this secure space where we can make mistakes

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Speaker 1: and we can bump up against each other and out

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Speaker 1: lots and lots of vouches happen, and then we get

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Speaker 1: stuck in a pattern and we just repeat it over

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Speaker 1: and over. And that's where I feel like we always

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Speaker 1: have the opportunity to interrupt our habits and patterns, but

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Speaker 1: first we have to notice that that's what's running the show. Right.

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Speaker 1: So while you may put your armor on and go

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Speaker 1: to work and operated one way, when you come home,

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Speaker 1: you do want to let your guard down and you

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Speaker 1: do sort of want to relax into stuff. But that

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Speaker 1: may also look like bringing in the baggage from your past.

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Speaker 1: I never thought about it that way. Yeah, and you know,

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Speaker 1: we want to There are a lot of ways to

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Speaker 1: have relationship and choosing what I call um. Actually, there's

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Speaker 1: this great scholar has a wonderful word soteriological. Soteriological um

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Speaker 1: relationship is one that is like salvational. It's an individuating relationship,

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Speaker 1: it's spiritual, it's deeply connecting. It it helps you draw

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Speaker 1: yourself forward. I'm like your unique life path. I think

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Speaker 1: most people want that kind of relationship, but but it's

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Speaker 1: not what we it's not what we ask for day

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Speaker 1: to day, day to day. Instead, we we worry about

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Speaker 1: whether the trash got taken out, whether the kids need

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Speaker 1: to get the nursery school. We were worried about whether

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Speaker 1: there's food on the table, And we don't attend to

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Speaker 1: these like the souls call to be in these like

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Speaker 1: big juicy relationships. So it's about as much as anything,

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Speaker 1: we have to make a decision two invest in our relationships.

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Speaker 1: It's not an easy one necessarily. I'm laughing smiling so

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Speaker 1: much because I cannot wait to make my boyfriend listen

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Speaker 1: to this podcast anything about me. I mean, this is

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Speaker 1: what you just described is how I live my life.

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Speaker 1: And I don't know if it's because of failed relationships

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Speaker 1: past or if it's a part of just my personality

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Speaker 1: or maybe the combination of both. But I'm almost I

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Speaker 1: have to almost focus on not being so hyper vigilant

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Speaker 1: in avoiding the problem. You know, like I'll overthink it

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Speaker 1: before it even happens. I'm trying to look something that's

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Speaker 1: not actually even happening. UM. So, and in my head,

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Speaker 1: the only way for me to not bring in the

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Speaker 1: stuff from my childhood or stuff from other relationships is

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Speaker 1: to do therapy together. And so that's been a very

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Speaker 1: very big thing for me in my adult relationships. And

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Speaker 1: I was reading something that you said though, where You're like, yeah,

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Speaker 1: but if you have a resistant partner, this doesn't mean

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Speaker 1: you have to just drag them to therapy to have

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Speaker 1: the kind of relationship that we're talking about. But how else,

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Speaker 1: how else do you do it? I don't know. I

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Speaker 1: think that is a really okay. First off, I applaud

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Speaker 1: your like including therapy because I am pro therapy. I

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Speaker 1: think it's awesome UM. And I know UM from my

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Speaker 1: own experience. I mean, I spent six years in UM

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Speaker 1: joint union analysis with my current UM primary partner, and

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Speaker 1: that makes all the difference absolutely. But I have also

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Speaker 1: been in relationships and I've witnessed lots of people in

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Speaker 1: relationships where that partner is resistant and the poll to

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Speaker 1: therapy just winds up becoming up points like a stuck point.

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Speaker 1: Where now we can't do anything because all we argue

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Speaker 1: about is whether we're going to go to therapy or not,

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Speaker 1: or I go and then I resent you and now

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Speaker 1: I have something to be mad at you about. That

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Speaker 1: isn't actually the problem, right, So if that is part

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Speaker 1: of the relationship, I like to think of it two ways.

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Speaker 1: If everything is is healthy from the perspective of like

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Speaker 1: there's no overt abuse going on, there's no covert coercive

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Speaker 1: abuse going on, and both parties are committed to the

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Speaker 1: idea of the relationship, like we we want this relationship.

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Speaker 1: If those boxes are all checked, another option is to

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Speaker 1: seek out a coach. A coach doesn't necessarily therapy. Is

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Speaker 1: like a coach may actually hold your feet to the

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Speaker 1: fire and say, y'all committed to this kind of relationship,

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Speaker 1: So we're gonna we're gonna set some goals, and we're

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Speaker 1: gonna actually work through some processes that are designed to

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Speaker 1: get you to where you want to go. That's a

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Speaker 1: very different space to hold than therapeutic space where we're

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Speaker 1: validating feelings. We're staying with whatever the slowest pace is

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Speaker 1: in the room. We stay at that pace. Just two

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Speaker 1: different ways of approaching the process. So some people who

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Speaker 1: are resistant to therapy aren't resistant to the idea of like, hey,

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Speaker 1: actually we're okay, we just need a little coaching to

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Speaker 1: be better. And then if you still have resistance, um,

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Speaker 1: some people are really cut out for self managing these situations.

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Speaker 1: And that's what self help books were invented for, you know.

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Speaker 1: I mean, I think they got kind of a bad

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Speaker 1: rap in like the nineties, like everybody was turning to

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Speaker 1: self help books. But sometimes all you need is a

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Speaker 1: few good ideas to really turn the corner in a relationship.

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Speaker 1: So I get about it. In relation to business or

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Speaker 1: an entrepreneurship, we do these things every day. I know,

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Speaker 1: for me, I'm constantly doing research about you know, other

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Speaker 1: ways I can grow my business or trying to create

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Speaker 1: a better business plan, Like I'm putting in the work

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Speaker 1: at work to grow that. And so why wouldn't I

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Speaker 1: do that within my relationship as well, even doing the

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Speaker 1: research or seeking outside help counsel anything like that. Like

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Speaker 1: I do love the idea that you said. It just

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Speaker 1: takes the same mindset that we would bring to a business. Absolutely.

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Speaker 1: So I ran across the gym. I like I've owned

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Speaker 1: twelve businesses it's been a journey through all sorts of things.

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Speaker 1: But for a while I owned I was lead trainer

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Speaker 1: for across it. And when I was doing that, I

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Speaker 1: knew that I constantly had to adapt to the changing circumstances,

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Speaker 1: like that was a really volatile business to be in.

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Speaker 1: And at the same time, I was in a relationship

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Speaker 1: that was struggling, like a big time struggling like needed therapy,

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Speaker 1: did therapy, was snailing all over the place, that was

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Speaker 1: really really hard, and yet we were really in love.

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Speaker 1: And it was when I realized that I needed to

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Speaker 1: apply my full the full power of my UM decision

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Speaker 1: making processes and all of those things. When I started

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Speaker 1: applying that and said I'm gonna study relationships out of

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Speaker 1: that disaster. By all accounts, we should have ended in

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Speaker 1: a flaming pile, and instead we're super happily married. And

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Speaker 1: like I discussed myself with how happy we are UM,

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Speaker 1: so like it is possible to just put in the

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Speaker 1: effort to change the habits and focus on a different

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Speaker 1: set of things, because we caught up in focusing on, like,

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Speaker 1: you know, two or three things, and often they're not

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Speaker 1: the real source of the trouble in our relationship. And

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Speaker 1: then something else I'm hearing in that too is I loved.

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Speaker 1: I just love equating this to business because I think

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Speaker 1: that's a lot easier for people to not get so

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Speaker 1: emotionally volatile when they think about you know, like it

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Speaker 1: doesn't feel so personal maybe, but um it just in

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Speaker 1: thinking about In my my partner's defense, he's very good

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Speaker 1: at trying to find the thing that he can hear

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Speaker 1: me on that is a one tangible thing that he

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Speaker 1: could change that he know that he knows means so

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Speaker 1: much to me, even if he thinks it's stupid, he

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Speaker 1: can hear it and go, Okay, I know that this

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Speaker 1: is super important to Kelly, and so I'm going to

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Speaker 1: try day by day to make this a part of

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Speaker 1: my practice or whatever it is. And that's what we

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Speaker 1: do for our coworkers, right, or if you're buying to

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Speaker 1: do to all the employees, is you listen, because that's

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Speaker 1: how business grows and it's not it's a dictatorship, and

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Speaker 1: that never works out. It never works out, absolutely, So

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Speaker 1: that would be one tips to me, would be just

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Speaker 1: because everyone wants to just be heard, right, and partnerships

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Speaker 1: a lot of times that is the one place where

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Speaker 1: we just get a little set in our ways and

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Speaker 1: we're just like, no, I can't hear that, or we

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Speaker 1: take it personal or anything, or we can't hear it

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Speaker 1: the way that it's being presented, and we get caught

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Speaker 1: in I need it to be presented in a very

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Speaker 1: specific way or I will reject. Right. So, if he's

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Speaker 1: going out of his way to you know, to show

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Speaker 1: up and do something that that you know is important,

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Speaker 1: if you can actually just see that and see that

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Speaker 1: he may not do it the exact way that you

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Speaker 1: were hoping for, but if you can acknowledge first that

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Speaker 1: he showed up and then he's trying and he's doing

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Speaker 1: and then over time ask for tweaks. That is, you know,

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Speaker 1: the arc of a change, of a transformation, right. We

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Speaker 1: we want change so instantaneously. These are long story arcs,

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Speaker 1: you know, we're talking about if you want to be

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Speaker 1: a lifetime partner, you could be talking about anywhere from

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Speaker 1: you know, tend to fifty years together. Right, So allow

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Speaker 1: it to be a process, and you're gonna have many

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Speaker 1: different relationships. You're gonna be married lots of times, and

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Speaker 1: that marriage right in different in in these evolutions of you.

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Speaker 1: So just letting him grow the pace that he is

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Speaker 1: and show up for you as he can today. That's powerful.

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Speaker 1: It's powerful for you too. So that's so true because

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Speaker 1: you're exactly right. When I actually see him taking the steps,

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Speaker 1: even if it's not what I would or how I

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Speaker 1: would do, it is basically the way that my brain works. Um,

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Speaker 1: it means so much to me to watch him try

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Speaker 1: so if I can focus on that part of it

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Speaker 1: instead of like, uh, well he did it, but like

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Speaker 1: I wanted it this way still right? Right? Why it's

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Speaker 1: so interesting the thing about change I do. I just

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Speaker 1: want it right overnight, I said I wanted this, this

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Speaker 1: is how I need it, so do it that way

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Speaker 1: or whatever. But that kind of defeats the purpose and

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Speaker 1: starts a whole another argument. It's when we it's so

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Speaker 1: easy to get called and our desire for control. Right,

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Speaker 1: we don't control the world, and we just don't, so

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Speaker 1: we should. We wake up every day and there's an

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Speaker 1: awareness in us that we don't control the world, and

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Speaker 1: the that awareness is terrifying to our inner self, right,

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Speaker 1: So we try, we reach and we look for ways

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Speaker 1: that we can control. And it's not like we're overtly

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Speaker 1: walking around saying I'm going to control these things. In fact,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't feel like we're trying to control anything, but

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Speaker 1: control gives us a sense that we have some say

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Speaker 1: in how this thing called reality, how we interact with it.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, it feels good to say I want it

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Speaker 1: done this way, and yet in fact we want variety,

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Speaker 1: we want novelty, We want our partner to be different

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Speaker 1: from us. I don't want to be married to myself.

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Speaker 1: That does not sound good, so I want him to

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Speaker 1: be different. But I also wanted to do it my way?

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Speaker 1: Is that really true? So I use that question, I

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Speaker 1: check myself, is it true that I want him to

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Speaker 1: do it exactly my way? And if I really let

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Speaker 1: that sink in, then I remember that in fact, he's

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Speaker 1: actually gentler than I am. He's slower paced, which drives

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Speaker 1: me bonkers. But it also means that there's this like

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Speaker 1: calm wave, like oh wait, I love those things. So

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Speaker 1: let go of the control a little bit and allow

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Speaker 1: yourself to be part of this world that, unfortunately we'll

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Speaker 1: cause some damage, will cause some ouch. It's not easy

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Speaker 1: to be alive, right, So that's someone lastic on the

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Speaker 1: podcast that it's not easy to be human it's just

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Speaker 1: not human, not an easy one. I love thinking about

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Speaker 1: control equating that to safety. I don't think I really

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Speaker 1: put those two together, but I do the same thing.

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Speaker 1: I think, if I can get it this way or

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Speaker 1: fit it in this box, get everyone to do what

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Speaker 1: I need them to do, especially at home, then I'm safe.

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Speaker 1: And that's just not it's a false sense of security

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Speaker 1: force sure it is. Yeah, we we love the idea

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Speaker 1: of permanent, immutable safety UM, I mean, which feels like sure,

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Speaker 1: that's natural, and so maturity is coming to understand that

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Speaker 1: we actually can be flexible, resilient um and have the

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Speaker 1: capacity to allow ourselves to to bend and to change

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Speaker 1: and then and then adapt to that change. And I

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Speaker 1: mean there are big structural things that are going to

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Speaker 1: hurt us, and you know, big things that need change

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Speaker 1: in this world. So if we if we're always worried

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Speaker 1: about trying to control the infantastimal little bits of our life,

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Speaker 1: I don't think we can apply that energy like to

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Speaker 1: that to the bigger world change we actually want to see,

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Speaker 1: and that's you know, huge scale business scale, and like

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Speaker 1: our our family, like sometimes I think if I control

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Speaker 1: everything and get it the way I want honestly, I

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Speaker 1: couldn't do anything else. It would be it would be

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Speaker 1: a full time job just to make sure that the

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Speaker 1: spoons are lined up right well. And also when you

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Speaker 1: were is saying that, I was thinking, well, how boring

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Speaker 1: would that be? I know, board and probably create some

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Speaker 1: new drama because that's just what I do. So yes, yeah,

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Speaker 1: because the poll between wanting security and wanting novel real

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Speaker 1: Esra Parole talks about that them the paradox, right, we

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Speaker 1: want both and that that's not just for sex, that's

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Speaker 1: everything we we want this pull yeah subconscious. So okay,

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Speaker 1: if people are listening and you know, we're talking about

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Speaker 1: a relationship and making are working on the relationship that

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Speaker 1: you're already in, that you're currently in, and so if

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Speaker 1: people are listening and they're unfulfilled in their relationship and

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Speaker 1: they're doing that back and forth of like yeah, but

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Speaker 1: you know X, Y and Z and I don't know

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Speaker 1: if this is something that could change over time, And

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Speaker 1: how do you know when it's too much to keep

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Speaker 1: doing the work and to keep trusting that over time

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Speaker 1: the baby steps are going to add up to be

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Speaker 1: something that works versus it's just time to get out

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Speaker 1: of this relationship and go. This is the hardest question

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Speaker 1: that I get, and um, I think that it is.

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Speaker 1: I take a breath a breath with it. When someone

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Speaker 1: asks me personally if they should stay or go, I

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Speaker 1: always feel the immense responsibility that comes with them, even

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Speaker 1: having asked the question, even though I'm going to say,

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Speaker 1: of course, I can't make that decision for you. But

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Speaker 1: I take a breath with it because in truth, I

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Speaker 1: don't think it matters. I think that what matters is

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Speaker 1: that you decide for yourself yes or no, that you

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Speaker 1: stop staying on the fence and that in between space,

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Speaker 1: and that you either commit and you get in your

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Speaker 1: both feet in or your both feet out. That liminal

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Speaker 1: space is of limited use. Liminal space means we're in

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Speaker 1: the in between and it can be transformative. But if

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Speaker 1: you stay there too long, all you're doing is hedging

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Speaker 1: your bets. You're not in the relationship, and therefore you're

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Speaker 1: not going to be showing up with your full self,

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Speaker 1: and whatever your partner is doing, those baby steps or whatever,

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Speaker 1: they may not even really touch you. So I say

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Speaker 1: it's not so much whether you stay or go, but

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Speaker 1: that you decide one way or the other, and then

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Speaker 1: you decide to work on your side of the street,

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Speaker 1: you decided to get in and do your work. Because

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Speaker 1: if you change, you're part of a system. You change,

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Speaker 1: the system will change. So that doesn't mean you should stay.

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Speaker 1: If somebody is being abusive, coercive, or you just decide

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Speaker 1: you don't like them anymore, leave, that's fine. I am.

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Speaker 1: I am no fan of staying just for staying sake.

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Speaker 1: In fact, I think that we give far too much

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Speaker 1: weight to the idea of longevity being the measure of

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Speaker 1: a perfect relationship. I know plenty of people who have

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Speaker 1: been married for fifty years, but don't hold hands at

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Speaker 1: their at fifty at the anniversary party. That is not

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Speaker 1: what I'm shooting for. What I'm shooting for is I'm

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Speaker 1: all in. I'm showing up and I'm here not just

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Speaker 1: for my growth, but my partner's growth and vice versa. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean, I think to me, I noticed, it's such

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Speaker 1: a difference in my life when I'm in a relationship

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Speaker 1: with dating relationship or anstick relationship and when I'm not,

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Speaker 1: And my life actually a lot of times when I'm

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Speaker 1: on my own seems a little less topic, you know,

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Speaker 1: it seems it seems um just I don't know, there

399
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Speaker 1: doesn't seem to be as much that I'm bumping up against. However,

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Speaker 1: what I've learned now is I always pick a partner

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Speaker 1: who's going to mirror the exact thing that I need

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Speaker 1: to work on in my life. And you know, as

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Speaker 1: frustrating as it can be, sometimes I have to remind

404
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Speaker 1: myself of that because if I'm bumping up against something

405
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Speaker 1: or my partner's bumping up against something, to me, it's

406
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Speaker 1: no mistake that we are exactly the people that we

407
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Speaker 1: are in the relationship that we're in, because it only

408
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Speaker 1: allows healing if you really are willing to do the

409
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Speaker 1: work exactly you just name you named it. It's we

410
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Speaker 1: we pull ourselves into these situations. We get ourselves into

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Speaker 1: these situations where we have the opportunity to grow, whether

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Speaker 1: we whether we decide to or not, that's another that's

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Speaker 1: another question. You know, we do have to decide to.

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Speaker 1: And if you find yourself having landed in a relation

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Speaker 1: chip or landed in like the tenth relationship in a row,

416
00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:07,560
Speaker 1: where the same kind of dynamics happening, then that's the

417
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:10,280
Speaker 1: time to take yourself to therapy. That's not about the relationship,

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Speaker 1: get yourself to therapy and start from there. Because just

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Speaker 1: taking a year off even and doing in since therapy

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Speaker 1: with enough time, like all the time that you right

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Speaker 1: now relate to a person and spend like trying to

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Speaker 1: make it work. If you worked on yourself that way,

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Speaker 1: how much different would your life? And I mean that

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Speaker 1: was an invaluable time for me too, like the time

425
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Speaker 1: when I focused on, oh, I have to change my patterns.

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Speaker 1: I grew up in a terribly dysfunctional household, which meant

427
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Speaker 1: I was terribly dysfunctional in my first marriage. It really

428
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Speaker 1: didn't matter what he was doing. It mattered that I

429
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Speaker 1: finally decided to try over, try again with myself. Yeah, oh,

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Speaker 1: I love that with yourself. And I also think that

431
00:23:57,359 --> 00:23:59,240
Speaker 1: it's it's not one or the other, you know, I

432
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,199
Speaker 1: think that it it like you said, it depends on

433
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:04,040
Speaker 1: um maybe the time or the place you are in

434
00:24:04,080 --> 00:24:06,720
Speaker 1: your life. I've done a lot of my own individual work,

435
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:08,920
Speaker 1: so much so that I used to be like, why

436
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,040
Speaker 1: am I not fixed yet? You know, like this is

437
00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:14,399
Speaker 1: just like this is I'm done with that, right Like

438
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:17,360
Speaker 1: I've done enough therapy, I've done enough intensives, I've done

439
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:21,439
Speaker 1: enough whatever and again, it would be bumping up against

440
00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:24,000
Speaker 1: myself in these relationships. And my therapist actually, you know,

441
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,160
Speaker 1: I would say like why am I still in this

442
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,679
Speaker 1: place where I was? She's like, this is not the

443
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:31,800
Speaker 1: same place, this deeper place, and this is the layer

444
00:24:31,880 --> 00:24:33,639
Speaker 1: that you would not have been able to get to

445
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:36,320
Speaker 1: if you hadn't done all that work. But maybe there's

446
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:39,399
Speaker 1: still some wounding that needs to be healed. Yeah, yeah,

447
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:43,800
Speaker 1: I love the image of the spiral for that. If

448
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:46,080
Speaker 1: because we always come back sticky spot, It's gonna be

449
00:24:46,119 --> 00:24:48,280
Speaker 1: in the same spot in the spiral, but we come

450
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,879
Speaker 1: back to it in a deeper layer. We never stepped

451
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:52,840
Speaker 1: in the same river twice, you know. Harro Cletis said

452
00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:55,879
Speaker 1: that like four thousand years ago, and we really don't.

453
00:24:56,119 --> 00:25:02,160
Speaker 1: We're not just recapitulating. We maybe recapitulating stuff from our childhood,

454
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:04,160
Speaker 1: but we're not just doing that. If we're doing that

455
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:08,880
Speaker 1: while also bringing ourselves to new layers of awareness, then

456
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,000
Speaker 1: these new ways that we're not showing up for ourselves

457
00:25:12,119 --> 00:25:15,919
Speaker 1: or we're or we're letting ourselves down like really like

458
00:25:16,080 --> 00:25:20,000
Speaker 1: out of integrity with ourselves. If you bring awareness to that,

459
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,480
Speaker 1: that's the opportunity for growth right there. Even just becoming aware,

460
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:25,720
Speaker 1: like I can't believe I'm doing this for the tenth time,

461
00:25:27,520 --> 00:25:30,760
Speaker 1: so frustrating pit in my stomach. You hit a chord

462
00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:33,600
Speaker 1: with me with that, for sure. Yeah, you can't just

463
00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:37,560
Speaker 1: stop behaviors, right like I mean, you cannot will yourself

464
00:25:37,640 --> 00:25:41,640
Speaker 1: to stop something, and I have tried. Yeah, there's certain

465
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:44,119
Speaker 1: things that I get triggered, and if I'm not aware

466
00:25:44,119 --> 00:25:48,160
Speaker 1: of the trigger or where it's coming from, I cannot stop. Right,

467
00:25:49,040 --> 00:25:52,720
Speaker 1: It's not gonna stop. So people talk about wanting to

468
00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,680
Speaker 1: cure things like jealousy or something like. That's something that's

469
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:57,840
Speaker 1: like an over and over again problem for them. They

470
00:25:57,880 --> 00:26:00,800
Speaker 1: want to cure it. So I studied Young in psychology,

471
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:03,440
Speaker 1: and the reason I'm so glad I did is this,

472
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:07,800
Speaker 1: um so young psychology is pretty old. We're you know,

473
00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:11,280
Speaker 1: we're going back to early twentieth century for most of

474
00:26:11,320 --> 00:26:16,000
Speaker 1: his writings, and in there he talked about complexes. And

475
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,320
Speaker 1: a complex is a great concept. It's it's just this

476
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,679
Speaker 1: idea that there's this like spot, this sticky spot in

477
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:25,679
Speaker 1: your soul or your being or your mind, however you

478
00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:29,080
Speaker 1: want to think of it. It's a sticky spot that collects.

479
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:32,440
Speaker 1: It's like, really easy for it to collect up more energy.

480
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:36,080
Speaker 1: So over a course of a lifetime, it gets more

481
00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:39,600
Speaker 1: and more stuff happening to it. So jealousy maybe becomes

482
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,560
Speaker 1: a sticking point for you or or your or your father,

483
00:26:42,640 --> 00:26:45,040
Speaker 1: the way you relate to your father, the father complex,

484
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:49,520
Speaker 1: or the way you relate to um, somebody who always

485
00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:52,040
Speaker 1: lets you down right, So we get these sticky spots

486
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:55,840
Speaker 1: and we keep collecting this energy around him. Not complex

487
00:26:56,119 --> 00:26:58,719
Speaker 1: just stays with us exactly like you said, it just

488
00:26:59,359 --> 00:27:02,640
Speaker 1: it just cannot be thought out of. We can't think

489
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,800
Speaker 1: our way out of it. So instead Young talked about

490
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:08,119
Speaker 1: you don't get rid of them, because that's actually your

491
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:10,439
Speaker 1: life force. If you tried to get rid of it,

492
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:14,200
Speaker 1: you would actually be like it's it's a psychological death.

493
00:27:14,440 --> 00:27:18,640
Speaker 1: You'd be dive, You'd be like taking out your your libido,

494
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:21,480
Speaker 1: your energy. So instead, we want to learn to dance

495
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:23,679
Speaker 1: with that complex. How to how do we want to

496
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:25,720
Speaker 1: get to know it better and better so that when

497
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:28,080
Speaker 1: we circle back around and we're like, oh we're here again,

498
00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:30,680
Speaker 1: we're like, Okay, I know how to dance with this.

499
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:33,160
Speaker 1: I'm gonna I'm gonna move with it, and we're gonna

500
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:36,240
Speaker 1: let it happen in a new way, because just because

501
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:38,480
Speaker 1: we're triggered, we don't have to respond in the same

502
00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:42,080
Speaker 1: way we always have. Right, you can identify what's happening

503
00:27:42,119 --> 00:27:46,280
Speaker 1: and then do something different what's being hit. So you

504
00:27:46,359 --> 00:27:48,320
Speaker 1: mentioned a couple of different ways to kind of turn

505
00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:52,639
Speaker 1: your trajectory around. So it's you know, maybe there's people

506
00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:55,080
Speaker 1: listening who aren't even in a relationship at all right now,

507
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:57,080
Speaker 1: and they're taking the break that you mentioned and they're

508
00:27:57,080 --> 00:27:59,640
Speaker 1: working on themselves. How do you not make the same

509
00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:03,200
Speaker 1: mistake the second you start dating again and you're really

510
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:06,359
Speaker 1: wanting to find another relationship, but you want to do

511
00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:10,680
Speaker 1: it differently. Right, Okay, two things are really really important.

512
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:14,320
Speaker 1: The first is that when you're doing so, when you're

513
00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:16,840
Speaker 1: taking your time off, or you're or you're in between,

514
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:18,520
Speaker 1: and you know we're in the midst of some time

515
00:28:18,560 --> 00:28:22,520
Speaker 1: that's tough to date. Actually take that time off. Don't

516
00:28:22,560 --> 00:28:25,520
Speaker 1: spend all the time that you're that you're not dating.

517
00:28:26,119 --> 00:28:28,639
Speaker 1: Don't spend it looking at dating sites and thinking about

518
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:34,040
Speaker 1: that really turned the mirror like look inside. Take the time.

519
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,880
Speaker 1: Actually take the time, do the therapy, do the homework,

520
00:28:37,440 --> 00:28:40,760
Speaker 1: take the read the books, do all the things then

521
00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:44,040
Speaker 1: when you're ready to start again, get an accountability partner,

522
00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:48,440
Speaker 1: like pull in a friend, somebody who has seen you

523
00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:51,000
Speaker 1: make the same mistakes over and over again, somebody that

524
00:28:51,080 --> 00:28:53,800
Speaker 1: you can trust because often we do have great friends

525
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,200
Speaker 1: there and they do see these things, or maybe we

526
00:28:57,240 --> 00:29:00,560
Speaker 1: have a sister or whatever. Ask them to help you

527
00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:05,440
Speaker 1: see what you can't see. We so often pit our

528
00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:08,920
Speaker 1: friendships against our partners, and this is part of why,

529
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:11,479
Speaker 1: because our friends have a little bit of distance from it,

530
00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:13,840
Speaker 1: they know us a little bit, and they're like, you're

531
00:29:13,880 --> 00:29:17,600
Speaker 1: doing it again. And if we would just believe ourselves,

532
00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:21,000
Speaker 1: if we just believe our friends and say, oh I

533
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:23,520
Speaker 1: am okay, so we can get an accountability partner around

534
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:26,480
Speaker 1: and just like debrief the date, but not from the

535
00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:29,560
Speaker 1: this went bad, this went good? But from how did

536
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:31,960
Speaker 1: I show up at that date? Was I people pleasing?

537
00:29:32,480 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 1: Was I trying to perform? Was I like laughing at

538
00:29:35,960 --> 00:29:39,040
Speaker 1: jokes that weren't funny because I was trying to lean

539
00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:42,240
Speaker 1: into the relationship or inventing a relationship that hasn't even

540
00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:46,240
Speaker 1: started yet. Because those are all really common moves, especially

541
00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:51,160
Speaker 1: for women, they're really really common moves. Yeah, so call

542
00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:53,920
Speaker 1: yourself out by just having that, you know, a fifteen

543
00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:56,760
Speaker 1: minutes chat after a date, like, uh, I did it again.

544
00:29:57,560 --> 00:30:00,240
Speaker 1: I'm not actually showing up the way I want to cool.

545
00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:03,120
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take a breather, I'm gonna I'm gonna do

546
00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:05,800
Speaker 1: another worksheet. I'm gonna like check in with myself, you know,

547
00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:08,520
Speaker 1: turn to my higher guidance, whatever tools you're using, there's

548
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:11,440
Speaker 1: lots and lots of them, and then I'll try again.

549
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:15,320
Speaker 1: So you're just bringing awareness to it. But that accountability,

550
00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:19,240
Speaker 1: the external accountability, helps you make it real because we

551
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:23,360
Speaker 1: will just trick ourselves inside, Like we we form these

552
00:30:23,400 --> 00:30:25,480
Speaker 1: little diads inside of us and we're like, oh, no,

553
00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:27,480
Speaker 1: you totally got this. It's totally fine. This is gonna

554
00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:30,560
Speaker 1: be different this time. Yeah, don't believe. I don't believe

555
00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:38,120
Speaker 1: that we Also, I think it that involves um because

556
00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:40,360
Speaker 1: I was thinking, oh, that's a great idea to have

557
00:30:40,360 --> 00:30:43,240
Speaker 1: an accountability partner, and I was thinking of myself in

558
00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:45,479
Speaker 1: that situation. I think it would involve a lot of

559
00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:50,640
Speaker 1: letting go of the shame. I'm doing this again because

560
00:30:50,760 --> 00:30:53,480
Speaker 1: to me, I'm a perfectionist. I want to do you know,

561
00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:55,840
Speaker 1: I want to say I learned that lesson. I'm done

562
00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:59,520
Speaker 1: with it, and instead sometimes if I'm doing something again,

563
00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:01,280
Speaker 1: I want to i'd for my friends because I don't

564
00:31:01,280 --> 00:31:04,240
Speaker 1: want to be called out because I'm embarrassed that I can't,

565
00:31:04,240 --> 00:31:06,880
Speaker 1: like we were talking about, just stop the behavior. Yes,

566
00:31:07,160 --> 00:31:11,640
Speaker 1: So the reason I say somebody you trust is because

567
00:31:11,680 --> 00:31:14,920
Speaker 1: this is shame work. This is the way that we

568
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:18,600
Speaker 1: get out of the stories from our childhood is to

569
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:23,719
Speaker 1: actually come face to face with our shame and address it,

570
00:31:23,920 --> 00:31:26,160
Speaker 1: address it the same way we would a small child.

571
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:29,320
Speaker 1: We we have to go through a process with ourselves.

572
00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:32,120
Speaker 1: You know. The whole concept of like inner child work

573
00:31:32,240 --> 00:31:35,320
Speaker 1: is you know, it's so it can feel so gooey, right,

574
00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:38,960
Speaker 1: and like, oh goodness, I'm gonna have to go there. Yeah,

575
00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:41,280
Speaker 1: for parts of it, you really do have to be

576
00:31:41,360 --> 00:31:43,960
Speaker 1: as tender with yourself as you would with a three

577
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:48,400
Speaker 1: year old. Right, So if you have if you have

578
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:51,520
Speaker 1: no idea that you feel shame, you probably have so

579
00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:54,960
Speaker 1: much shame that it's piled to the ceilings. Right. We

580
00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:59,200
Speaker 1: all have our shame spots. So yeah, allowing that this

581
00:31:59,280 --> 00:32:00,840
Speaker 1: is a way to act, I think this is the

582
00:32:00,880 --> 00:32:03,560
Speaker 1: best way I've ever deepened my friendships too. So while

583
00:32:03,600 --> 00:32:07,200
Speaker 1: we're talking about dating, and romance, all of the stuff

584
00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:09,720
Speaker 1: that I write about in the book, and all the

585
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:12,880
Speaker 1: stuff that you do to have a conscious relationship, do

586
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:15,400
Speaker 1: that with your friends. So if you're not ready to

587
00:32:15,480 --> 00:32:18,640
Speaker 1: date again, how about a conscious friendship. How about really

588
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:22,920
Speaker 1: deciding to have the hard conversations, lean into the awkward moments,

589
00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:28,600
Speaker 1: expose these parts of ourselves that feel really tender and scary,

590
00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:33,160
Speaker 1: and try that first before we worry about whether we

591
00:32:33,200 --> 00:32:36,200
Speaker 1: can find somebody who's supposed to be our lifelong partner

592
00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:38,440
Speaker 1: and somebody who's great in bed and they look just

593
00:32:38,480 --> 00:32:40,400
Speaker 1: the way we want, and they're gonna parent co parent

594
00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:41,960
Speaker 1: with us perfectly, and they're going to do all the

595
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:49,040
Speaker 1: things friends. I have a mentor who says, um, when

596
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:52,280
Speaker 1: she she's kind of isn't she's you know, I think

597
00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:54,800
Speaker 1: she's seventies. So she's had a lot of experience with

598
00:32:55,200 --> 00:32:58,040
Speaker 1: bumping up against herself, and she has a funny way

599
00:32:58,040 --> 00:33:00,600
Speaker 1: of just kind of pulling ourselves out of the shame

600
00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:03,520
Speaker 1: when she does something, or she'll be triggered and she's

601
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:06,040
Speaker 1: starting to do a behavior again, she she notices it. Now,

602
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:09,520
Speaker 1: that's the blessing of having life experience. And she says

603
00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:14,040
Speaker 1: she dis says herself, I'm doing that again, giggling at

604
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:17,480
Speaker 1: herself in a gentle way, and it releases the shame

605
00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:19,960
Speaker 1: and it's just like, oh, I don't like how that feels,

606
00:33:20,000 --> 00:33:21,240
Speaker 1: So I'm not going to do it that way. I

607
00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:24,080
Speaker 1: know that from experience, you know, but not going into

608
00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:27,280
Speaker 1: the place of judging ourselves for doing certain things again

609
00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:30,840
Speaker 1: are getting in certain mindsets again those tapes that play

610
00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:35,080
Speaker 1: over again. That is a wonderful tip because I mean,

611
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:38,280
Speaker 1: laughter is the only way to deal with the messiest emotions,

612
00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:41,520
Speaker 1: like really gentle laughter, Like oh yeah, you've gotta have

613
00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:44,479
Speaker 1: a sense of humor to be flexible and resilient, you

614
00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:48,480
Speaker 1: really do. So that's a wonderful way to approach that.

615
00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:51,320
Speaker 1: The way that can feel. If anyone thinks that in

616
00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:54,000
Speaker 1: her child work is not real, take out a picture

617
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:57,720
Speaker 1: of yourself as a child and for me doing that

618
00:33:57,800 --> 00:33:59,960
Speaker 1: kind of thing in therapy, and you literally all look,

619
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:01,800
Speaker 1: get a picture of myself as a seven year old

620
00:34:01,840 --> 00:34:05,280
Speaker 1: or something and start sobbing. Nothing is real, you know.

621
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:08,680
Speaker 1: I mean, oh, yeah, you're connecting to something that I

622
00:34:08,719 --> 00:34:10,759
Speaker 1: just think we all try to push down and not

623
00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:13,799
Speaker 1: deal with because it can be very painful. Yeah, and

624
00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:18,160
Speaker 1: it works with our partners too. So, um, recently, my

625
00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:20,520
Speaker 1: my father passed away, and so I was pulling pictures

626
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:22,959
Speaker 1: out of the house and I found this old picture

627
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:25,360
Speaker 1: of myself I'm little, and I stuck it on the fridge,

628
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:28,120
Speaker 1: and um, I noticed that my partner would stop and

629
00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:31,480
Speaker 1: look at it, and UM, so we put a picture

630
00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:33,799
Speaker 1: of him up too, and I thought, oh, yeah, the

631
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:38,839
Speaker 1: acknowledgement that inside of us lives this little person. And

632
00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:41,799
Speaker 1: I so I actually with all my I have seven teenagers,

633
00:34:41,920 --> 00:34:44,319
Speaker 1: so there's a lot of hormone and a lot of

634
00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:47,239
Speaker 1: stuff going on in this house. I changed all of

635
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:49,480
Speaker 1: their like their text faces, I changed them back to

636
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:52,480
Speaker 1: their baby faces, just to remind myself, like, okay, that

637
00:34:52,560 --> 00:34:56,840
Speaker 1: text was coming from a place where they aren't totally

638
00:34:56,840 --> 00:34:59,520
Speaker 1: feeling safe and secure. How would how would I respond

639
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:02,920
Speaker 1: when they were five? Chill out and be nice. I

640
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,919
Speaker 1: love that idea with the partner. I'm actually gonna do that. Yeah,

641
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:10,920
Speaker 1: it's yeah, when you think of them as that child,

642
00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:12,719
Speaker 1: I mean, it is so hard to just I just

643
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:15,359
Speaker 1: want to hug him and love on him a lot

644
00:35:15,360 --> 00:35:17,319
Speaker 1: of what you know, And so I think if we

645
00:35:17,360 --> 00:35:20,480
Speaker 1: can always remember that part of our partners, that would

646
00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:23,160
Speaker 1: be such a good way to have more empathy and

647
00:35:23,200 --> 00:35:27,719
Speaker 1: grace with each other. That's the word empathy and grace absolutely, yes, yes, yes,

648
00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:31,360
Speaker 1: yes yeah. Um. Well, you kind of touched on jealousy earlier,

649
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:33,399
Speaker 1: and I was telling you earlier that I watched your

650
00:35:33,440 --> 00:35:37,080
Speaker 1: ted X talk about jealousy and I found this fascinating

651
00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:39,600
Speaker 1: because this is definitely something I struggle with in my life.

652
00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:42,279
Speaker 1: I was cheated on in a major way in an engagement,

653
00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:44,480
Speaker 1: and so it's you know, I've really had to do

654
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:47,879
Speaker 1: a lot of work around those insecurities in my my

655
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:50,880
Speaker 1: relationships that have been after that. And again, it's one

656
00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:53,719
Speaker 1: of those things it doesn't just go away. Um. And

657
00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:56,960
Speaker 1: I know for me, I've always felt very that that

658
00:35:57,040 --> 00:35:59,720
Speaker 1: was just maybe me in a box of a person

659
00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:02,799
Speaker 1: who is cheated on that deals with jealousy. Now, but

660
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:06,040
Speaker 1: you say that jealousy is a very normal thing and

661
00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:11,359
Speaker 1: a very normal part of our relationship. So why so

662
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:16,160
Speaker 1: I studied jealousy. I have studied jealousy full time for

663
00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:24,120
Speaker 1: a decade. And jealousy is entirely typical, entirely human, and

664
00:36:24,360 --> 00:36:28,520
Speaker 1: the person who doesn't experience jealousy is by far the

665
00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:34,400
Speaker 1: rare case, Like by far. So jealousy is let's define

666
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:37,799
Speaker 1: it first, real quick. Jealousy is the real or imagined

667
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:41,920
Speaker 1: fear of an interruption of the love bond. Right, And

668
00:36:41,960 --> 00:36:44,960
Speaker 1: it's important that it's real or imaginary. It doesn't matter

669
00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:49,640
Speaker 1: whether something's literally happening or we just think something's happening.

670
00:36:50,239 --> 00:36:53,480
Speaker 1: Jealousy can pop up any time we think that or

671
00:36:53,560 --> 00:36:56,160
Speaker 1: feel that there could be a separation between us and

672
00:36:56,239 --> 00:36:59,120
Speaker 1: our object of desire, who we love and we want.

673
00:36:59,160 --> 00:37:02,560
Speaker 1: And that is rude right in our primal brain. It's

674
00:37:02,640 --> 00:37:06,520
Speaker 1: right from our our very first interactions with our primary caregiver. Right,

675
00:37:06,600 --> 00:37:10,080
Speaker 1: we are helpless. We're in a state of complete love

676
00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:13,960
Speaker 1: from the point of I am entirely dependent on you.

677
00:37:14,920 --> 00:37:19,160
Speaker 1: And if mom or dad or whoever is caring for

678
00:37:19,239 --> 00:37:22,680
Speaker 1: us can't come in that second, there's an interruption. And

679
00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:26,320
Speaker 1: that is a survival level problem. Right, So babies crying

680
00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:30,640
Speaker 1: survival level interruption problem. Baby doesn't know whether they're going

681
00:37:30,680 --> 00:37:34,000
Speaker 1: to come back. Right, That self still exists in us,

682
00:37:34,360 --> 00:37:40,160
Speaker 1: and so when we imagine or experience that disruption of

683
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:44,080
Speaker 1: the love bond, we are right back to survival brain.

684
00:37:44,280 --> 00:37:48,520
Speaker 1: Jealousy is this complicated mess, and it brings anger and

685
00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:54,000
Speaker 1: fear and sadness and shame and grief, and these are big,

686
00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:57,200
Speaker 1: gloppy emotions and they're all stuck together and we have

687
00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:59,319
Speaker 1: to deal with them. But we often deal with them

688
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:02,480
Speaker 1: just like, oh, it's it's jealousy. It's just jealousy. Just

689
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,239
Speaker 1: comes before jealousy all the time, Like just no, not

690
00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:09,080
Speaker 1: just jealousy. It's huge and it is normal. I actually

691
00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:12,520
Speaker 1: love that idea too, because we're framing it that way,

692
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:16,120
Speaker 1: because the just jealousy thing or like that person is

693
00:38:16,160 --> 00:38:19,640
Speaker 1: just a super jealous person, Like it's not as simple

694
00:38:19,760 --> 00:38:24,160
Speaker 1: as a personality trait or something. That what I heard

695
00:38:24,200 --> 00:38:25,680
Speaker 1: a lot, and maybe this is because of the own

696
00:38:25,680 --> 00:38:29,880
Speaker 1: work I'm doing right now, attach attachment being um, what

697
00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:32,120
Speaker 1: I heard a lot in that is, you know, the

698
00:38:32,200 --> 00:38:36,600
Speaker 1: fear of abandonment and just kind of those security things

699
00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:39,680
Speaker 1: that we so strive for, and especially in a love relationship,

700
00:38:39,719 --> 00:38:41,600
Speaker 1: because you're the most vulnerable I think you can be

701
00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:44,640
Speaker 1: in that position. And so the panic that comes with

702
00:38:44,760 --> 00:38:47,480
Speaker 1: that is that what causes jealousy. Yeah, So most of

703
00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:51,839
Speaker 1: us UM attempt, whether we succeed or not, we try,

704
00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:55,880
Speaker 1: we attempt to transfer our our attachment bond to our partner.

705
00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:59,120
Speaker 1: Later in life right, and so that the transfer of

706
00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:02,279
Speaker 1: that attachment bond over to our partner, depending on how

707
00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:05,080
Speaker 1: successful it is, um, you know, whether we actually are

708
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:07,320
Speaker 1: able to so, because there are those people who stay

709
00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:10,719
Speaker 1: completely attached to someone who's not their partner UM or

710
00:39:10,760 --> 00:39:13,520
Speaker 1: stay really in the pockets of their parents. UM. But

711
00:39:13,600 --> 00:39:17,399
Speaker 1: once that transfer happens, well, now it is a survival

712
00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:21,120
Speaker 1: instinct that kicks in that says I have to have

713
00:39:21,320 --> 00:39:23,000
Speaker 1: I have to I have to hold I have to

714
00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:27,200
Speaker 1: close everything around this and keep it safe. We can

715
00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:32,239
Speaker 1: hold a relationship really gently and be in a trusting

716
00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:35,440
Speaker 1: state only when our when our nervous system is calm,

717
00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:39,920
Speaker 1: when we're able to self regulate, when we're conscious of

718
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:42,040
Speaker 1: the triggers that are going to pop up for us,

719
00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:46,280
Speaker 1: and when we've established through an incremental building of trust.

720
00:39:46,719 --> 00:39:49,520
Speaker 1: You know, in order to we often place all the

721
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:53,400
Speaker 1: focus of jealousy on what the other person is doing.

722
00:39:53,960 --> 00:39:55,839
Speaker 1: But what if we stepped away from that and just

723
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:59,920
Speaker 1: said what can what do I trust that person to do?

724
00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:03,960
Speaker 1: Where am I in this relationship? Because we often rush.

725
00:40:04,080 --> 00:40:06,759
Speaker 1: It's just like this instant thing like we're we're either

726
00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:10,080
Speaker 1: dating and it's super casual or boom, we're in a relationship,

727
00:40:10,120 --> 00:40:12,240
Speaker 1: and now I'm supposed to trust you completely, You're supposed

728
00:40:12,280 --> 00:40:15,800
Speaker 1: to trust me completely. We and we're supposedly we agree

729
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:18,600
Speaker 1: on a set of rules. Most people never have the

730
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:23,719
Speaker 1: conversation to establish what the actual parameters of their relationship

731
00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:27,400
Speaker 1: agreement is and so now you're just essentially walking a

732
00:40:27,440 --> 00:40:32,120
Speaker 1: tight rope blindfolded and hoping it works out. I don't

733
00:40:32,120 --> 00:40:36,000
Speaker 1: recommend it. Well, that's so that's such a good point

734
00:40:36,080 --> 00:40:39,880
Speaker 1: about establishing the rules, because I know, for me within

735
00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:43,719
Speaker 1: a relationship, if we can't um I don't want to

736
00:40:43,719 --> 00:40:46,760
Speaker 1: call them ground rules, but set the boundaries around certain

737
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:52,480
Speaker 1: conversations are certain situations, I never can get that calm

738
00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:54,680
Speaker 1: in my nervous system that you're talking about do No

739
00:40:54,719 --> 00:40:58,359
Speaker 1: matter what's actually happening, my body is telling me no, no, no, no,

740
00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:00,800
Speaker 1: no no no, you're not playing. You're not safe because

741
00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:04,000
Speaker 1: we've never set up you know, what the guidelines are,

742
00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:07,399
Speaker 1: and although they may change over time. And I think

743
00:41:07,440 --> 00:41:10,360
Speaker 1: that's something I'm learning too, is boundaries, you know, change

744
00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:12,560
Speaker 1: and they're fluid and all of these things. But like

745
00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:16,839
Speaker 1: setting the ground the foundational conversation of this is what

746
00:41:16,920 --> 00:41:19,920
Speaker 1: I want. This is, Michael, this is the conscious part

747
00:41:19,960 --> 00:41:23,400
Speaker 1: of our decision of this relationship is so integral for

748
00:41:23,480 --> 00:41:27,759
Speaker 1: me feeling safe. Yes, absolutely, And there's no shame in

749
00:41:27,760 --> 00:41:30,880
Speaker 1: saying the word ground rules, Like when you're talking about

750
00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:34,320
Speaker 1: setting up a relationship, what would be what would be

751
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:37,560
Speaker 1: more normal than walking into a new job and saying, okay,

752
00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:40,520
Speaker 1: so what's expected of me? You want? Who wants a

753
00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:43,799
Speaker 1: job with no job description? That would be horrible. I've

754
00:41:43,840 --> 00:41:47,520
Speaker 1: had those. They're terrible. I And as a business owner,

755
00:41:47,520 --> 00:41:50,560
Speaker 1: I always have to define the parameters for everybody I'm

756
00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:54,080
Speaker 1: working with, right, and when there aren't clear parameters, there's

757
00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:56,880
Speaker 1: no repercussion that I can actually put in place, and

758
00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:59,240
Speaker 1: there's no way for them to know when they're succeeding either.

759
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:02,839
Speaker 1: So it's really an unfair place to start a relationship from.

760
00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:07,000
Speaker 1: And when people are practicing monogamy, often they just rely

761
00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:09,600
Speaker 1: on the idea that there's this cultural norm that Like

762
00:42:10,040 --> 00:42:12,440
Speaker 1: I've had a lot of conversations that start off with

763
00:42:12,480 --> 00:42:15,280
Speaker 1: me saying, so, what's your monogamy agreement? And the person

764
00:42:15,320 --> 00:42:17,720
Speaker 1: says to me, well, you know, he knows the rules,

765
00:42:17,880 --> 00:42:20,359
Speaker 1: and I'm like, well, but what are the rules? Tell me?

766
00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:22,239
Speaker 1: Just tell me more about the rules and they'll tell

767
00:42:22,239 --> 00:42:24,520
Speaker 1: me a little bit about the rules, and I say, so,

768
00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:26,680
Speaker 1: when did you talk about these? They're like, I mean

769
00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:31,000
Speaker 1: he knows. Like, okay, so let's go back to ground

770
00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:34,960
Speaker 1: zero and talk our way through this. Because explicit communication

771
00:42:35,080 --> 00:42:37,920
Speaker 1: isn't just about making rules that make you feel safe.

772
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:41,279
Speaker 1: It's actually about being vulnerable and asking for what you want,

773
00:42:41,600 --> 00:42:44,120
Speaker 1: which is how you can get what you want. Kind

774
00:42:44,160 --> 00:42:48,800
Speaker 1: of ever feel secure and safe if you're just trusting

775
00:42:48,840 --> 00:42:51,640
Speaker 1: that someone has read your mind and will deliver it

776
00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:55,560
Speaker 1: to you. Right, And also, what are you actually even

777
00:42:55,719 --> 00:42:59,560
Speaker 1: trusting that? I guess you're saying that, but like act

778
00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:02,040
Speaker 1: to me now that I've gotten order, had been through

779
00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:05,840
Speaker 1: bad relationships or you know, cheating relationships where the trust

780
00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:08,840
Speaker 1: was broken. I probably was just thinking, we know, we

781
00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:11,080
Speaker 1: do think the same, we have the same boundaries within

782
00:43:11,160 --> 00:43:17,280
Speaker 1: a relationship. Um, now I'm understanding how important those conversations are.

783
00:43:17,640 --> 00:43:22,680
Speaker 1: Just were establishing even just communication between the two of

784
00:43:22,719 --> 00:43:25,680
Speaker 1: you so that you know, okay, when he leaves this house,

785
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:28,759
Speaker 1: we have said this thing. And if that isn't how

786
00:43:28,800 --> 00:43:34,120
Speaker 1: this goes, that is a boundary violation to our relationship, right,

787
00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:36,839
Speaker 1: because that's what cheating is. People talk about cheating as

788
00:43:36,880 --> 00:43:39,239
Speaker 1: if we have some definition of it. We don't, not

789
00:43:39,360 --> 00:43:41,920
Speaker 1: really we you know, like lots of people think cheating

790
00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:45,960
Speaker 1: is sex with another part another person, or flirting with

791
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:51,000
Speaker 1: another person. Cheating is the breaking of any relationship agreement. Right,

792
00:43:51,080 --> 00:43:56,480
Speaker 1: So I'm I'm ethically nice, So for me to lie

793
00:43:56,840 --> 00:44:00,640
Speaker 1: about a relationship and keep it a secret, that would

794
00:44:00,680 --> 00:44:04,839
Speaker 1: be the violation, not the connection. Right. So if we

795
00:44:04,920 --> 00:44:08,080
Speaker 1: think about that, then how about if we reframe what

796
00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:12,040
Speaker 1: relationships are all together and just say, your relationship doesn't

797
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:16,160
Speaker 1: just depend on the agreements. Your relationship is the agreements.

798
00:44:15,840 --> 00:44:19,919
Speaker 1: It is them. So start by having a relationship where

799
00:44:19,920 --> 00:44:23,320
Speaker 1: we established and this could go for your friendships, to

800
00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:27,880
Speaker 1: establish what the ground rules are, and with that you

801
00:44:27,880 --> 00:44:31,040
Speaker 1: can establish So how will we mean to negotiate? How

802
00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:33,400
Speaker 1: will we come to a new conclusion. So in my marriage,

803
00:44:33,560 --> 00:44:35,600
Speaker 1: we re up every three years. We have a whole

804
00:44:35,640 --> 00:44:38,680
Speaker 1: month long conversation that happens every three years where we

805
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:41,160
Speaker 1: really get into it. We talk about finances and sex

806
00:44:41,239 --> 00:44:43,920
Speaker 1: and religion and politics and all the stuff, just to

807
00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:45,680
Speaker 1: make sure that we still both want to be in this.

808
00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:49,040
Speaker 1: And I have a friendship that I'm actually doing something

809
00:44:49,160 --> 00:44:52,720
Speaker 1: similar with, like just actually saying, like at the outset,

810
00:44:52,760 --> 00:44:54,799
Speaker 1: when I was super nervous about this friendship, I'm like,

811
00:44:55,120 --> 00:44:57,400
Speaker 1: the one thing I need is to know that you

812
00:44:57,440 --> 00:45:01,280
Speaker 1: won't just withdraw your friend chip, that you'll just tell

813
00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:05,560
Speaker 1: me that you're withdrawing And and if you could please

814
00:45:05,600 --> 00:45:08,040
Speaker 1: just give me like half an hour conversation where you

815
00:45:08,080 --> 00:45:11,399
Speaker 1: just say why, If if you could commit to that now,

816
00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:13,719
Speaker 1: then I could commit to being more vulnerable with you.

817
00:45:14,120 --> 00:45:18,160
Speaker 1: And so we carefully built trust out of having like

818
00:45:18,200 --> 00:45:20,600
Speaker 1: what an awkward thing, like I was sitting at dinner

819
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:23,200
Speaker 1: with just a friend and I had that conversation, and

820
00:45:23,880 --> 00:45:27,959
Speaker 1: that's the groundwork. The rules can all be built out

821
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:31,960
Speaker 1: of those little awkward conversations. Yeah, so what would you say?

822
00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:35,000
Speaker 1: Because I feel and then that this is a generalization,

823
00:45:35,239 --> 00:45:39,200
Speaker 1: but I know amongst my relationships with my girlfriend, we

824
00:45:39,320 --> 00:45:42,600
Speaker 1: are very open about this kind of stuff or insecurities

825
00:45:42,640 --> 00:45:44,920
Speaker 1: and vulnerbuy and all of that stuff, and it seems

826
00:45:44,920 --> 00:45:48,760
Speaker 1: a little more difficult for men. So I'm imagining that

827
00:45:49,000 --> 00:45:52,760
Speaker 1: in most relationships as conversations could be difficult, and especially

828
00:45:52,800 --> 00:45:54,360
Speaker 1: if you know, we don't even have to put it

829
00:45:54,360 --> 00:45:56,440
Speaker 1: in a men and women things, say one partner's wanting

830
00:45:56,440 --> 00:45:58,960
Speaker 1: to have those conversations and the other partners like, we

831
00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:01,680
Speaker 1: don't need to talk about this, they're uncomfortable. What would

832
00:46:01,719 --> 00:46:04,399
Speaker 1: you say? How do you approach a situation like that?

833
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:07,239
Speaker 1: Does that mean the relationship can't work? Or is that

834
00:46:07,280 --> 00:46:10,279
Speaker 1: just one of these tough things to navigate between two

835
00:46:10,320 --> 00:46:14,080
Speaker 1: different mentalities. I think a lot has to go into this,

836
00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:17,200
Speaker 1: because first off, we need to take the whole context

837
00:46:17,280 --> 00:46:19,279
Speaker 1: into questions. So if you've been in a relationship for

838
00:46:19,320 --> 00:46:22,279
Speaker 1: like twenty years and all of a sudden, I want

839
00:46:22,320 --> 00:46:24,319
Speaker 1: to be super vulnerable and I want to start this

840
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:28,200
Speaker 1: process and my partner's like, what that was? We whoa

841
00:46:28,440 --> 00:46:31,480
Speaker 1: where did this even come from? Let's take that into

842
00:46:31,520 --> 00:46:34,440
Speaker 1: account that we tend to have a lot of inertia

843
00:46:34,480 --> 00:46:36,200
Speaker 1: in our relationships. We just want them to kind of

844
00:46:36,239 --> 00:46:39,440
Speaker 1: continue the way they've been. So springing this on someone

845
00:46:39,480 --> 00:46:41,520
Speaker 1: and saying this is how I want our relationship to

846
00:46:41,560 --> 00:46:45,120
Speaker 1: be and then being mad if they're not immediately on board,

847
00:46:45,360 --> 00:46:49,600
Speaker 1: that's a lot versus say at the get go, you

848
00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:51,719
Speaker 1: know you're in the first ten dates, say and you're like,

849
00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:53,719
Speaker 1: so this is where I'm headed, this is actually what

850
00:46:53,760 --> 00:46:57,520
Speaker 1: I'm looking for, And if somebody is resistant there, yeah,

851
00:46:57,600 --> 00:47:00,279
Speaker 1: that's a big red flag for me. I would say

852
00:47:00,080 --> 00:47:02,840
Speaker 1: they don't actually want the same type of relationship. It

853
00:47:02,840 --> 00:47:05,319
Speaker 1: would be like having a different orientation, Like you could

854
00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:08,719
Speaker 1: have a relationship with two different orientations, but is it

855
00:47:08,760 --> 00:47:11,760
Speaker 1: going to satisfy everything that you want? To think carefully

856
00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:15,640
Speaker 1: about whether it will. You can definitely make a relationship

857
00:47:15,719 --> 00:47:19,680
Speaker 1: with any person, no matter how much disagree with them,

858
00:47:19,680 --> 00:47:21,760
Speaker 1: but you do have to think about whether you're actually

859
00:47:21,800 --> 00:47:26,759
Speaker 1: still going to be in integrity with yourself. Wow mm yeah, yeah,

860
00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:29,840
Speaker 1: that's really good. But that's why it's so important to

861
00:47:29,880 --> 00:47:32,840
Speaker 1: do this early on, Like, yeah, because that's where a

862
00:47:32,840 --> 00:47:35,279
Speaker 1: lot I think a lot of resentment probably comes from too.

863
00:47:35,400 --> 00:47:39,640
Speaker 1: Within relationships. Definitely, definitely. I mean I built a whole

864
00:47:39,640 --> 00:47:41,200
Speaker 1: a whole marriage. I was, you know, with somebody for

865
00:47:41,239 --> 00:47:43,839
Speaker 1: seventeen years, and we were married for thirteen and when

866
00:47:43,920 --> 00:47:46,720
Speaker 1: I wanted to renegotiate, there was no process in place

867
00:47:47,080 --> 00:47:51,680
Speaker 1: for a renegotiation, so it broke us completely. Um, But

868
00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:55,279
Speaker 1: in the partnership I'm in now, renegotiation is built in

869
00:47:55,880 --> 00:47:58,680
Speaker 1: so we and we both know how that happens, and

870
00:47:58,719 --> 00:48:01,520
Speaker 1: we know what happens if escalates, We know what our

871
00:48:01,600 --> 00:48:05,120
Speaker 1: next step will be like if if if talks break down,

872
00:48:05,560 --> 00:48:07,640
Speaker 1: what will we do next, you know, if we can't

873
00:48:07,680 --> 00:48:10,200
Speaker 1: resolve it. And having that in place means that I

874
00:48:10,239 --> 00:48:13,920
Speaker 1: feel the safest I've ever felt, and I I didn't

875
00:48:13,920 --> 00:48:16,120
Speaker 1: even know that that was possible. In fact, at one

876
00:48:16,160 --> 00:48:18,920
Speaker 1: point I would speak pretty loudly about the fact that

877
00:48:18,920 --> 00:48:21,440
Speaker 1: I wasn't sure that security was even a thing we

878
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:24,879
Speaker 1: should talk about in relationships, because I had been so

879
00:48:25,000 --> 00:48:28,080
Speaker 1: hurt that I thought, screw that, there's just no such

880
00:48:28,080 --> 00:48:30,400
Speaker 1: thing as security in relationships. It's not anymore. On No,

881
00:48:31,680 --> 00:48:34,440
Speaker 1: it's not. I now know that that's not true. But

882
00:48:34,480 --> 00:48:36,759
Speaker 1: I had to come to know it in myself, like

883
00:48:36,920 --> 00:48:39,839
Speaker 1: deep in my body that it was going to take

884
00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:43,640
Speaker 1: like a whole rewiring. And it's taken eleven years to

885
00:48:43,800 --> 00:48:49,759
Speaker 1: feel really truly secure in this relationship. That is, it's

886
00:48:49,800 --> 00:48:56,359
Speaker 1: a long story arc overnight. We said that earlier. Yeah, yeah,

887
00:48:56,640 --> 00:48:58,960
Speaker 1: that's always a good reminder for me because I want

888
00:48:59,000 --> 00:49:05,239
Speaker 1: everything now exactly. Well, you have a book out. It's

889
00:49:05,280 --> 00:49:10,400
Speaker 1: called Project Relationship, the Entrepreneur's Action Plan for passionate sustainable Love.

890
00:49:11,320 --> 00:49:13,880
Speaker 1: Tell us about the book. So I wrote the book,

891
00:49:14,160 --> 00:49:17,799
Speaker 1: um because well, for two reasons. One a friend of

892
00:49:17,800 --> 00:49:21,640
Speaker 1: mine was going through like just bad relationship after bad relationship.

893
00:49:21,760 --> 00:49:24,400
Speaker 1: Recognized it and was asking me a lot of questions

894
00:49:24,400 --> 00:49:26,160
Speaker 1: and I had I had thoughts and answers. So I

895
00:49:26,200 --> 00:49:29,320
Speaker 1: started thinking, oh, I should collect these. And then I realized,

896
00:49:29,680 --> 00:49:33,600
Speaker 1: you have seven teenagers. They're all gonna have relationships stuff,

897
00:49:33,880 --> 00:49:36,879
Speaker 1: and I'm a little morbid. I was, so I got

898
00:49:36,920 --> 00:49:39,480
Speaker 1: this middle of the night terror one night that I

899
00:49:39,480 --> 00:49:42,879
Speaker 1: would die and I wouldn't have like left the many instructions.

900
00:49:43,280 --> 00:49:45,880
Speaker 1: My feet hit the floor four fifteen. That morning, I

901
00:49:46,040 --> 00:49:49,200
Speaker 1: ran to my keyboard and I started typing, and all

902
00:49:49,239 --> 00:49:51,120
Speaker 1: of this just sort of came out in a month.

903
00:49:51,200 --> 00:49:54,840
Speaker 1: It was just like out because my way isn't the

904
00:49:54,920 --> 00:49:57,799
Speaker 1: right way. But I learned this stuff the hard way.

905
00:49:57,840 --> 00:50:01,640
Speaker 1: I made every mistake, I walked down every hard road

906
00:50:01,719 --> 00:50:04,920
Speaker 1: and dead end. So I I wrote it down and

907
00:50:04,960 --> 00:50:07,080
Speaker 1: I tried to simplify it. It's not like this long,

908
00:50:07,200 --> 00:50:10,359
Speaker 1: beefy memoir of like my tales of woe. I'm sure

909
00:50:10,360 --> 00:50:13,080
Speaker 1: I'll write those at some point, but and some of

910
00:50:13,120 --> 00:50:15,839
Speaker 1: them are just such a hot mess, they're hysterical. But

911
00:50:16,120 --> 00:50:18,960
Speaker 1: this is like the distillation, Like I wanted a book

912
00:50:18,960 --> 00:50:22,160
Speaker 1: that even so my kids will probably not want to

913
00:50:22,200 --> 00:50:25,319
Speaker 1: turn to this book, but theoretically that they could just

914
00:50:25,360 --> 00:50:27,680
Speaker 1: pop open and say, like, I can't figure out what

915
00:50:27,760 --> 00:50:31,480
Speaker 1: boundaries even mean. And it's you know, twelve pages of

916
00:50:31,560 --> 00:50:35,719
Speaker 1: big type and and three clear action steps to take

917
00:50:35,920 --> 00:50:38,600
Speaker 1: to make a difference. I wanted something that you could

918
00:50:38,640 --> 00:50:42,440
Speaker 1: like actually make a change today in your relationship. And

919
00:50:42,480 --> 00:50:45,399
Speaker 1: I focused on entrepreneurial attitudes for the reason we sat

920
00:50:45,400 --> 00:50:48,759
Speaker 1: at the beginning, because I think that that's actually the

921
00:50:48,800 --> 00:50:51,879
Speaker 1: wave of the future. We are all entrepreneurial at this point.

922
00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:55,720
Speaker 1: There's there's sort of no way out of that. Um. Yeah.

923
00:50:55,760 --> 00:50:57,880
Speaker 1: So I wrote the book in the hopes that we

924
00:50:57,920 --> 00:51:00,839
Speaker 1: would all just have like a quick guy and then

925
00:51:00,840 --> 00:51:03,080
Speaker 1: there are deeper dives you can do. You know, I'm

926
00:51:03,120 --> 00:51:04,960
Speaker 1: working on a course right now and I work with

927
00:51:05,000 --> 00:51:07,880
Speaker 1: people one to one and it's great, but not everybody

928
00:51:07,960 --> 00:51:10,040
Speaker 1: is ready for that. Not everybody's at that spot where

929
00:51:10,080 --> 00:51:11,680
Speaker 1: they're like, Okay, I'm ready to go all the way in.

930
00:51:12,080 --> 00:51:14,000
Speaker 1: Sometimes the book is just what you need to, like

931
00:51:14,840 --> 00:51:18,560
Speaker 1: jog you a little further, yeah, a little further. Yeah, Well,

932
00:51:18,600 --> 00:51:20,279
Speaker 1: you guys can find that book. I'm gonna put the

933
00:51:20,320 --> 00:51:23,080
Speaker 1: link in the description at the bio of this podcast

934
00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:26,040
Speaker 1: that people can find a book easily. Where else can

935
00:51:26,040 --> 00:51:28,560
Speaker 1: people find you if they have more questions, if they're

936
00:51:28,560 --> 00:51:31,200
Speaker 1: interested in doing more work, where can they find you? Yeah?

937
00:51:31,239 --> 00:51:33,759
Speaker 1: So you can find me at Jolie Hamilton's dot com.

938
00:51:33,760 --> 00:51:36,400
Speaker 1: That's j O l I and then Hamilton's like the

939
00:51:36,480 --> 00:51:39,879
Speaker 1: musical nice and easy, and you can find my socials there.

940
00:51:39,880 --> 00:51:44,440
Speaker 1: I'm on Instagram and clubhouse as at Dr Julie Hamilton's.

941
00:51:44,440 --> 00:51:47,440
Speaker 1: So I'm easy to find and I'm always happy to

942
00:51:47,440 --> 00:51:50,520
Speaker 1: hear from people. You know, don't feel bad about reaching out. Um,

943
00:51:50,560 --> 00:51:53,239
Speaker 1: I like to hear from people, So hit my dm S,

944
00:51:53,239 --> 00:51:56,440
Speaker 1: no problem, amazing. Well, I also appreciate you being here.

945
00:51:56,480 --> 00:51:58,080
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go ahead and write down a lot of

946
00:51:58,080 --> 00:52:01,120
Speaker 1: this stuff because that's they're can apply to my own life,

947
00:52:01,360 --> 00:52:04,040
Speaker 1: and I know everyone this is just the common denominator

948
00:52:04,080 --> 00:52:07,440
Speaker 1: that I think we all struggle with, bump up against

949
00:52:07,600 --> 00:52:11,759
Speaker 1: just relationships. So no matter what kind of relationship it is,

950
00:52:11,800 --> 00:52:13,680
Speaker 1: I think it's one thing we all have in common

951
00:52:13,719 --> 00:52:16,759
Speaker 1: with we can constantly be learning and growing, and so

952
00:52:16,840 --> 00:52:19,560
Speaker 1: I really appreciate you sharing your knowledge with us. Thanks

953
00:52:19,600 --> 00:52:21,719
Speaker 1: so much for having me, Kelly. I really appreciate it.

954
00:52:21,840 --> 00:52:23,480
Speaker 1: It's nice to meet you and thank you guys so

955
00:52:23,560 --> 00:52:24,280
Speaker 1: much for listening