1 00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:02,559 Speaker 1: This is Kelly Henderson and you're listening to the Velvet 2 00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:05,400 Speaker 1: Edge podcast. This week, my guest is Amy Chan, who 3 00:00:05,519 --> 00:00:08,600 Speaker 1: is a relationship columnist and editor at Just My Type 4 00:00:08,640 --> 00:00:12,119 Speaker 1: dot c A and has now started Renew Breakup boot Camp, 5 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:15,360 Speaker 1: a retreat that takes a scientific and spiritual approach to 6 00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:18,360 Speaker 1: healing the heart. Amy filled me in on exactly what 7 00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:21,280 Speaker 1: goes down at Renew and why it has helped countless 8 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:25,319 Speaker 1: women heal and find themselves after hard relationship endings. We 9 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:28,520 Speaker 1: also talked about what love is and why our society's 10 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:32,480 Speaker 1: view of love is actually really love addiction, not true love. 11 00:00:32,920 --> 00:00:35,800 Speaker 1: Amy told me about her own attachment style and why 12 00:00:35,840 --> 00:00:38,800 Speaker 1: it was ruining her relationships and describes how she is 13 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:43,320 Speaker 1: changing that. Now here's our conversation. So you're a relationship 14 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:47,000 Speaker 1: columnist and an editor at Just My Type dot c A. 15 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 1: I was reading that the Observer called you a relationship 16 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:56,040 Speaker 1: expert whose work is like that of a scientific Carrie Bradshaw. Yeah. 17 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,120 Speaker 1: I mean I feel like that's a pretty big compliment. 18 00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:02,080 Speaker 1: I love Carrie Bradshaw. She's great. I mean yeah, I 19 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:06,640 Speaker 1: take really complex topics and themes around love, left and desire, 20 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,440 Speaker 1: and I break it down in a way that the 21 00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:12,080 Speaker 1: common person could understand. So I inject it with the 22 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:15,600 Speaker 1: science and psychology. That's what I was reading about when 23 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,039 Speaker 1: you said, you feel like you have a gift for 24 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:20,560 Speaker 1: taking the taking complex topics and theories and just breaking 25 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:24,160 Speaker 1: them down into content that a mass audience can understand. 26 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:29,039 Speaker 1: M exactly, So I mean what kind of things? I mean? I, 27 00:01:29,319 --> 00:01:31,800 Speaker 1: to be quite honest, spent the whole morning on your website. 28 00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:36,679 Speaker 1: It's amazing. I could still be doing it right now 29 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:40,400 Speaker 1: if I, um, we hadn't had this schedule, because it's 30 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:43,199 Speaker 1: such a vast you know, there's so many different kinds 31 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:44,800 Speaker 1: of topics and that, like you said, there's a lot 32 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:47,480 Speaker 1: of love. There's things on lust, there's things on getting 33 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:50,280 Speaker 1: to know yourself and self esteem. How did you get 34 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:56,000 Speaker 1: into this? Yeah, so growing up I was able to 35 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,880 Speaker 1: master many different parts of my life, so Frank grew 36 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:05,120 Speaker 1: my grades, jobs, But the one area that I struggled 37 00:02:05,160 --> 00:02:12,160 Speaker 1: with constantly was relationships. And I found myself constantly disappointed 38 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:17,440 Speaker 1: and hurt in love. And after another painful breakup at 39 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:21,000 Speaker 1: the age of five, I decided just to write about 40 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:24,919 Speaker 1: my own experience, and I just posted on my social media. 41 00:02:25,160 --> 00:02:27,320 Speaker 1: I think it was my space at the time, and 42 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:29,440 Speaker 1: a bunch of people reached out and we're like, you know, 43 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:34,160 Speaker 1: thank you for sharing. This really helped me and I thought, Okay, 44 00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:36,800 Speaker 1: maybe I have something here, maybe I'm a writer. So 45 00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,440 Speaker 1: I actually pitched almost a hundred different publications with this blog, 46 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,400 Speaker 1: and most of them ignored me. Some said you're not 47 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:48,240 Speaker 1: a writer, and one said sure, we'll we'll publish a 48 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:52,280 Speaker 1: contributed guest post and um. From that point on, I 49 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:56,519 Speaker 1: ended up being a regular columnist for them for seven 50 00:02:56,600 --> 00:03:00,360 Speaker 1: years and it launched my career in writing. Uh uh. 51 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:03,919 Speaker 1: And so now for over a decade, I've been writing 52 00:03:03,919 --> 00:03:08,280 Speaker 1: and researching the psychology of relationships. Do you feel like 53 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:13,880 Speaker 1: a relationship expert? I think, Uh, it's interesting. I have 54 00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:16,960 Speaker 1: a lot of expertise, and I think I will always 55 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:21,079 Speaker 1: be a student, and because of that mentality, uh, that 56 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:24,760 Speaker 1: continues to strengthen my expertise, if that makes sense. I 57 00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:27,079 Speaker 1: think the moment you think you have it and you 58 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:31,800 Speaker 1: mastered it anything, um, is the moment you will actually 59 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:35,320 Speaker 1: start to get less skilled in what you're doing. And 60 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:37,120 Speaker 1: so I think I've got to be a student in 61 00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:41,920 Speaker 1: love of love and relationships and emotional uh communication and 62 00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:44,720 Speaker 1: intelligence for the rest of my life. So do you 63 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:48,480 Speaker 1: like when you're writing, do you write about your personal experiences? 64 00:03:48,520 --> 00:03:51,280 Speaker 1: Like are you writing about dating that you go you know, 65 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,400 Speaker 1: dates that you go on, or is this just things 66 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:57,760 Speaker 1: that you're observing and other women or people. It's a combination. 67 00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:00,920 Speaker 1: So I used to use a lot my own personal 68 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:05,240 Speaker 1: narrative just to kind of connect with the readers, and 69 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:07,440 Speaker 1: then I would bring in the science and psychology of 70 00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:11,960 Speaker 1: what's going on. Um Now I talk more about bigger concepts, 71 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:15,760 Speaker 1: and I'll use other examples of myself. Um in my book, 72 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 1: I use examples of people who've come through Renew and 73 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:21,960 Speaker 1: you've had wrote significant changes through using some tried and 74 00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:26,159 Speaker 1: tested methods what we've done. Um So now it's a combination. 75 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:30,320 Speaker 1: So you mentioned Renew, which is the breakup boot camp 76 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:33,400 Speaker 1: that you started in two thousand seventeen, and I was 77 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,080 Speaker 1: reading that you left a six figure job, like a 78 00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:40,479 Speaker 1: nine to five type job to start this. Yeah. Yeah, 79 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:44,000 Speaker 1: So I was a case marketing officer of a national 80 00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:48,560 Speaker 1: company and um it was it was an amazing job, 81 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:52,760 Speaker 1: and I had this idea to create, uh, this company 82 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:56,000 Speaker 1: which is now called Renew Breakup boot Camp, and we 83 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,880 Speaker 1: take a scientific and spiritual approach to healing and rewind 84 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:02,120 Speaker 1: the heart. And I had thought about this idea and 85 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,680 Speaker 1: sat on it for a long time, and it was 86 00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:09,360 Speaker 1: inspired from my own breakup. I was living in Vancouver 87 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:13,400 Speaker 1: seven years ago and I was in a relationship with 88 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,240 Speaker 1: someone I thought I was going to spend the rest 89 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:18,120 Speaker 1: of my life with, and I had put so much 90 00:05:18,160 --> 00:05:21,440 Speaker 1: of my density in him and us that when that 91 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:26,240 Speaker 1: relationship fell apart, I completely fell apart. I spiraled into depression, 92 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:30,600 Speaker 1: panic attacks. I had thought the suicide and I thought 93 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:34,360 Speaker 1: I was going crazy because it just seemed like nothing 94 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,719 Speaker 1: I was doing could make the pain and the suffering 95 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:43,200 Speaker 1: go away. And I did everything from therapists to going 96 00:05:43,320 --> 00:05:47,440 Speaker 1: to energy healings to yoga retreats, and while they were helpful, 97 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:50,760 Speaker 1: um I found that the minute I went back into 98 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:53,919 Speaker 1: my apartment, I was left with the same demons that 99 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:57,120 Speaker 1: were in my head. And so um I came up 100 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,800 Speaker 1: with an idea to create a safe space for women 101 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:04,480 Speaker 1: retreat into nature where everyone's sleeping under one roof, there 102 00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:06,359 Speaker 1: is a chef cooking all of our meals so that 103 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:08,400 Speaker 1: we're getting all the nutrition you need. Because that was 104 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:11,040 Speaker 1: one thing that happened after my Breakup, I completely stopped 105 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:15,280 Speaker 1: eating and um, you leave a little bit different than 106 00:06:15,320 --> 00:06:18,800 Speaker 1: how you came. And so at Breakup foot Camp, I 107 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:23,520 Speaker 1: bring in fourteen different experts, ranging from psychologists to Hittnotrist, 108 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:27,120 Speaker 1: the energy healers. We even bring in the Dominatrix who 109 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:30,120 Speaker 1: has a tag me from Berkeley teaches specifically on the 110 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:35,200 Speaker 1: psychologic power dynamics, and um, you know, hour by hour 111 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:38,520 Speaker 1: from eight thirty morning till about midnight, the women are 112 00:06:38,520 --> 00:06:44,159 Speaker 1: in programming to really shake up those old patterns that 113 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:47,000 Speaker 1: often are lodged deep in our subconscious so that we 114 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:51,960 Speaker 1: can create an opening for new seeds to actually impannt um. 115 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:54,720 Speaker 1: And so yeah, I left my dogs to take a 116 00:06:54,839 --> 00:06:58,800 Speaker 1: risk to build this company and it's been such a ride, 117 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:02,440 Speaker 1: and it's been absolutely incredible. I was telling you before, 118 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:05,600 Speaker 1: but I had a friend randomly go last weekend I did. 119 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 1: I was already scheduled to speak to you, and she 120 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,160 Speaker 1: went to this boot camp, but I knew she was 121 00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,200 Speaker 1: doing something, but I didn't know what it was called. 122 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:14,280 Speaker 1: And so when she came back, she called me and 123 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:16,400 Speaker 1: was like, oh my gosh, you should really interview the 124 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:19,800 Speaker 1: founder of this place that I just went. She's amazing 125 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,080 Speaker 1: she told me her in your name, and I was like, what, 126 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:26,040 Speaker 1: I already have an interview scheduled with her. But when 127 00:07:26,080 --> 00:07:29,760 Speaker 1: she came back, I saw the difference truly. I mean 128 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,800 Speaker 1: I felt like she was lighter. I felt like she 129 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:35,320 Speaker 1: had just discovered parts of herself that you know, they've 130 00:07:35,320 --> 00:07:38,280 Speaker 1: probably always been in there, but for whatever reason, she 131 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,760 Speaker 1: wasn't able to tap into that. Um So, what are 132 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:45,160 Speaker 1: the blocks that we all have that an experience like 133 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:49,520 Speaker 1: this can just open you up? Yeah? Great question. So 134 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,280 Speaker 1: most of the women who come Saints, they're cuting to renew, 135 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:56,560 Speaker 1: break up boot camp because of the acts and trying 136 00:07:56,600 --> 00:08:00,240 Speaker 1: to get overlap what every single one of them did. Girl, 137 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,920 Speaker 1: at the end, it's like, oh, it's not just about 138 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:08,000 Speaker 1: the X. And here's the thing. We we recreate the 139 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:11,640 Speaker 1: emotional experiences of how we are wounded as children. It's 140 00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:15,920 Speaker 1: recycled pain, and so our relationships when they fall apart, 141 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,800 Speaker 1: it's like a band aid being ripped off, and then 142 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:21,960 Speaker 1: you have to deal with all of that compound trauma 143 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,480 Speaker 1: that has been building up since you were a young child. Now, 144 00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,640 Speaker 1: a lot of these belief systems and patterns and wods, 145 00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:31,360 Speaker 1: they're very deep in our subconscious they're developed by the 146 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,800 Speaker 1: between the time around zero to seven years old, before 147 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:38,840 Speaker 1: your prefrontal cortex is developed, and um, you don't have 148 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:43,480 Speaker 1: the cognitive ability to process what's going on, and so 149 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:47,839 Speaker 1: we believe these certain things that are super unhelpful from 150 00:08:47,880 --> 00:08:50,319 Speaker 1: I'm not enough and I need to earn love or 151 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:54,160 Speaker 1: validation I'm not worthy of love, or you might have 152 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:57,679 Speaker 1: grown up in a household where it was really chaotic, 153 00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:01,080 Speaker 1: and so your model of what love feels like is 154 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:05,360 Speaker 1: one of chaos. Uh. For myself, I grew up with 155 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:09,440 Speaker 1: a pretty chaotic um family. There was always screaming and yelling. 156 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,920 Speaker 1: That was the norm, and I have a father who 157 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:16,480 Speaker 1: was never around, and so at a very young age, 158 00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:19,880 Speaker 1: I was always trying to prove myself, earn his love, 159 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,800 Speaker 1: earn his attention, and if I got good grades. Sometimes 160 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:26,120 Speaker 1: I look at that and that developed the belief system 161 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:29,720 Speaker 1: in me that I'm not enough. And so in my 162 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:33,640 Speaker 1: adult ears, even though the people I david looked very different, 163 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:38,000 Speaker 1: the emotional experienceance was exactly the same. I was always 164 00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:41,439 Speaker 1: pining for their love, fighting for their attention, the last 165 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,960 Speaker 1: on the total pole, trying to get up to my prioritization, 166 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,480 Speaker 1: and I couldn't figure out, and so I kept blaming, like, Oh, 167 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:51,360 Speaker 1: it's it's the guys in Vancouver. It's now, it's the 168 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:54,400 Speaker 1: guys in New York. It was always something else's fault 169 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:58,480 Speaker 1: until I realized I was a common denominator. And I 170 00:09:58,559 --> 00:10:01,360 Speaker 1: say this not because there was something wrong with me, 171 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,240 Speaker 1: and for anyone listening, it's not because there's something wrong 172 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,719 Speaker 1: with you, or that you are broken and you need 173 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:10,520 Speaker 1: to be fixed. It's that we have belief systems that 174 00:10:10,559 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 1: are often ladged deep in our subconscious mind, and many times, 175 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,800 Speaker 1: if we're not getting the outcomes that we want, especially 176 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:22,959 Speaker 1: in love, it's because those belief systems are dysfunctional. And 177 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:26,720 Speaker 1: so that is the foundation of what programs us to 178 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,360 Speaker 1: feel the way we do, and act the way we act, 179 00:10:29,559 --> 00:10:32,000 Speaker 1: and choose the people that we choose when it comes 180 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,360 Speaker 1: to relationships. You know what I heard in that that 181 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:37,679 Speaker 1: I think is so interesting, and this has been very 182 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:40,120 Speaker 1: much my experience as well, is when you said they 183 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:43,040 Speaker 1: all looked very different, but they were exactly the same 184 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:46,360 Speaker 1: actually about all the men you dated. And I've always 185 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,760 Speaker 1: dealt with that because every single boyfriend I've ever had 186 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:50,760 Speaker 1: has looked really different. And so people are like, you 187 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,360 Speaker 1: don't really have a type, Like I think that's so interesting. 188 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,000 Speaker 1: The order I've gotten in, the more work I've done 189 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,040 Speaker 1: on myself, I'm like, oh no, I have a type, 190 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,800 Speaker 1: very much have a type, and they're all exactly alike. 191 00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:06,080 Speaker 1: And the dynamic in our relationship is the same, although 192 00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:10,280 Speaker 1: it just presents itself a little bit differently externally. Yeah, 193 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:14,400 Speaker 1: so fascinating. See why is that? So? Isn't there something um, 194 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,640 Speaker 1: I was reading on your side about just the subconscious 195 00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:19,679 Speaker 1: patterns and love, which is what you sort of just described. 196 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,559 Speaker 1: But why is that? Are we just trying to heal 197 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:28,520 Speaker 1: our old relationships with these new relationships? Yeah? So um. 198 00:11:28,559 --> 00:11:33,880 Speaker 1: There is something called attractions of deprivation UM, coined by 199 00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:38,280 Speaker 1: an author and researcher named Ken Paige, and he describes 200 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:44,320 Speaker 1: this as um adults. As adults, we try to recreate 201 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:47,480 Speaker 1: the original seed of the crime and so that our 202 00:11:47,559 --> 00:11:51,080 Speaker 1: subconscious mind things that if we recreate it, we can 203 00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:53,840 Speaker 1: actually solve what we couldn't solve as a child. So, 204 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:58,280 Speaker 1: for example, if I was only to give more and 205 00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:02,320 Speaker 1: do more, maybe finally I will earn that love now, 206 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,600 Speaker 1: that love that I was never able to earn when 207 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,480 Speaker 1: I was a young child with my father, and so 208 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:11,160 Speaker 1: are my works in loops. So if there's an open 209 00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:14,120 Speaker 1: loop and you weren't able to figure that out as child, 210 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:17,920 Speaker 1: you almost recreate that scenario over and over again trying 211 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:21,960 Speaker 1: in attempt to solve it now. And and there's other things. 212 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:28,200 Speaker 1: So UM, there's also something called attachment theory, which is 213 00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:32,360 Speaker 1: UM super fascinating. By the age of around two years old, 214 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:36,280 Speaker 1: we develop an attachment system, a style on how we're 215 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:40,720 Speaker 1: going to relate romantically as adults. And there's three main 216 00:12:40,840 --> 00:12:46,280 Speaker 1: different attachment styles and UM the first one is secure reached. 217 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,600 Speaker 1: Searchers say this without fifty percent of the population and 218 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:55,319 Speaker 1: people who have a secure attachment style, they are not codependent. 219 00:12:55,960 --> 00:13:00,120 Speaker 1: They are open to receiving and giving love when as 220 00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:02,040 Speaker 1: an argument or a fight, they don't turn it into 221 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,400 Speaker 1: a catastrophe. They do not put their identity or their 222 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:09,040 Speaker 1: sense of self worth on the validation of their partner. 223 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:16,960 Speaker 1: And um they are very even keel in um emotional distress. 224 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,160 Speaker 1: And so this is a product of parents who were 225 00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:23,640 Speaker 1: able to be consistent with their caregiving at tune to 226 00:13:23,679 --> 00:13:27,640 Speaker 1: their needs. And so the child actually grows up UM 227 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:31,319 Speaker 1: instead of the task and systems to their parents now 228 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:35,120 Speaker 1: transfers onto the catchment system they have with their primary partner, 229 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,400 Speaker 1: and they feel safe, and they feel secure, and they 230 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,600 Speaker 1: feel supportive, and they're able to go out into the 231 00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,559 Speaker 1: world and explore and know that they have a safe 232 00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:47,680 Speaker 1: based Did you say of our societic Yeah? Are these 233 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:54,640 Speaker 1: people I haven't met any Well? What might be fashioning 234 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:57,360 Speaker 1: to you that you may fall into one of these 235 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:00,720 Speaker 1: other categories? So I'll explain the A in an attachment 236 00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:06,400 Speaker 1: style UM. This is usually the product of parents who 237 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:10,480 Speaker 1: wore UH and meshing their child, meaning they treated their 238 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:13,400 Speaker 1: child as if they had to have an adult responsibility. 239 00:14:13,480 --> 00:14:16,640 Speaker 1: So it could have been the child acted as a therapist, 240 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:20,520 Speaker 1: the stand and father, the stand and mother um, something 241 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,600 Speaker 1: other than being the child they had to take on 242 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:26,440 Speaker 1: the role of an adult UH or a child who 243 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:30,200 Speaker 1: had very over controlling parents. UM. This can also lead 244 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:32,920 Speaker 1: to someone growing up have been avoid attachment. And what 245 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,760 Speaker 1: happens with people who have been avoid and attachment is 246 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:41,000 Speaker 1: they actually subconsciously suppress their attachment system. So this means 247 00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:43,600 Speaker 1: they might be able to get into relationships, but they 248 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:47,160 Speaker 1: always keep an emotional distance. And what happens is when 249 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:50,440 Speaker 1: someone gets too close, what they will do what's called 250 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:54,760 Speaker 1: deactivating strategies, meaning they will do things that will actually 251 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:59,360 Speaker 1: squelch intimacy. So, for example, this might look like you 252 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:04,320 Speaker 1: go on a romantic weekend with someone and um, suddenly 253 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:08,200 Speaker 1: after you get back, the person pulls away and need 254 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:13,160 Speaker 1: space and starts to being a loose and inconsistent UM 255 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,600 Speaker 1: because in their mind they're like, oh my gosh, it's 256 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:17,680 Speaker 1: too much pressure as it's too close, and then they 257 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:20,320 Speaker 1: kind of freak out and they retreat. And so this 258 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:24,880 Speaker 1: is an example where they're squelching intimacy, but they don't 259 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:26,800 Speaker 1: know what's going on. So if you're not aware of 260 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:30,120 Speaker 1: attachment theory, you just think that this is normal. Another 261 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,240 Speaker 1: tendency for people who have an avoidant attachment style is 262 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:36,960 Speaker 1: they might be chasing a unicorn UM. So you know, 263 00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,400 Speaker 1: things might go well in the first few weeks of 264 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,600 Speaker 1: the first few months, and then suddenly all the imperfection 265 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,880 Speaker 1: fled in and they're constantly looking for so one better 266 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:49,520 Speaker 1: because the unicorn just can't be found. UM. So those 267 00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:54,520 Speaker 1: are examples of avoidance. And then the third um, which 268 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,400 Speaker 1: is makes something most of the women who come to 269 00:15:56,440 --> 00:16:00,640 Speaker 1: renew who have an anxious attachment style so risk is 270 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:04,520 Speaker 1: used the products of inconsistent caregiving. Sometimes your needs were met, 271 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:09,760 Speaker 1: sometimes they weren't. And it's a very um disregulated nervous system. 272 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:12,680 Speaker 1: And so people have an anxious attachment style. They have 273 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:16,560 Speaker 1: a fundamental fear of being abandoned or rejected at any time. 274 00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,640 Speaker 1: And so if they ever sense that there's a threat 275 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:23,360 Speaker 1: to the connection, uh, their nervous system goes on like 276 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:27,400 Speaker 1: total alarm selves and they actually can't calm down until 277 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:31,040 Speaker 1: connection is re established. They might engage in what's called 278 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:35,760 Speaker 1: protest behavior, which looks like you send a text message 279 00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:40,000 Speaker 1: and you don't hear back for four hours from your partner, 280 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 1: and UM, you're like, oh, scare you. I'm gonna just 281 00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:47,720 Speaker 1: wait four days until I message you back, or you 282 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:50,560 Speaker 1: um like keep calling crazy crazy, like over and over 283 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,760 Speaker 1: and over again. Um. You might even date someone and 284 00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:57,320 Speaker 1: start being like, oh my gosh, I'm really feeling something 285 00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,200 Speaker 1: for this person. I'm gonna just go in uh think 286 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:02,080 Speaker 1: this other person here on the side, just to take 287 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:06,879 Speaker 1: the edge off. And so UM, anxious are drawn to 288 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:10,680 Speaker 1: avoidance and avoidance or drawn to anxious, and the key 289 00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:14,040 Speaker 1: thing that really differentiates them is avoidance have an inherent 290 00:17:14,119 --> 00:17:17,240 Speaker 1: fear that their freedom and their independence is going to 291 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:21,399 Speaker 1: be taken away, and anxious haven't insured fear that they 292 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:24,159 Speaker 1: will be abandoned or rejected. Now they're both drawn to 293 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:27,679 Speaker 1: each other because they both confirm each other's belief systems. 294 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:31,119 Speaker 1: So we okay, wait, let me try to unpack that 295 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:35,080 Speaker 1: a little bit. Um. So we're drawn to someone because 296 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:38,760 Speaker 1: they reaffirm our belief systems, but it's not necessary. It's 297 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:44,200 Speaker 1: like our fears, right, yeah, So, I mean beliefs can 298 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:47,000 Speaker 1: definitely be fears at the same time. So if I 299 00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:49,879 Speaker 1: have an inherent belief that I am going to be abandoned, 300 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,920 Speaker 1: whether or not, I'm aware of that belief. Sometimes it's 301 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:58,720 Speaker 1: very deep and its subconscious. I will attract situations where 302 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:02,000 Speaker 1: that an emotional experience is going to play out the 303 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:05,280 Speaker 1: way that I believe it's going to. I will choose 304 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,959 Speaker 1: people in that way. I might find that people who 305 00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:11,040 Speaker 1: are secure and consistent and who won't leave me. I 306 00:18:11,119 --> 00:18:14,960 Speaker 1: might say, you're boring, um, and I'm like, I don't 307 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:18,000 Speaker 1: have chemistry with those people. But you recreate that emotional 308 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:20,880 Speaker 1: experience that is rooted in the belief system that you 309 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,000 Speaker 1: believe in. Isn't it so interesting? Though, because those seem 310 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:28,560 Speaker 1: like they would be negative experiences from our childhood or 311 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,359 Speaker 1: even you know, like in your adult life. They don't 312 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:35,360 Speaker 1: feel good, so why would we keep recreating them? Because 313 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:39,560 Speaker 1: it's in your subconscious So on a logical level, you're like, oh, yeah, 314 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:44,040 Speaker 1: that bad boy who has red flags all over, who 315 00:18:44,280 --> 00:18:47,440 Speaker 1: cheated on his last three girlfriends, who I met as 316 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:51,840 Speaker 1: far while I was drunk. I totally shouldn't like this guy. 317 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,600 Speaker 1: And then he Texas and you're like, okay, just this one, 318 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:58,480 Speaker 1: this one one drink, I'll go right. Uh, Logically we 319 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:03,600 Speaker 1: know we shouldn't, but our decisions, our actions are are 320 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:06,640 Speaker 1: usually compelled by how we feel. And how we feel, 321 00:19:07,359 --> 00:19:10,639 Speaker 1: um isn't something that we can control with our logical mind. 322 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:15,880 Speaker 1: A lot of stems from our subconscious of how we 323 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:19,400 Speaker 1: feel and what we do is governed by our subconscious mind. 324 00:19:20,840 --> 00:19:23,600 Speaker 1: So once you become aware, I mean, because when you're 325 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:27,440 Speaker 1: talking about this ancious and avoid ancious, anxious and avoidance, 326 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:30,920 Speaker 1: I mean, you're definitely describing a lot of my relationships. 327 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,240 Speaker 1: So and I've, as I said, I've become aware of 328 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,800 Speaker 1: that as I've gotten older. Um, but how do you 329 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,560 Speaker 1: change I mean, the way that you're describing it as 330 00:19:38,640 --> 00:19:41,480 Speaker 1: so subconscious. Is it that you go to therapy you 331 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,360 Speaker 1: have this new awareness? But like, how do you actually 332 00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:48,960 Speaker 1: change that dynamic? Great question? And about the studies show 333 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:54,000 Speaker 1: that between twenty pc of the population does change their 334 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:59,280 Speaker 1: attachment stell and there's different ways. So, um, do you 335 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:00,639 Speaker 1: have a do you I have to find more with 336 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:04,160 Speaker 1: an anxious or an avoidance? Probably identify more with anxious, 337 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,960 Speaker 1: but I did. I was going to ask you this 338 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:09,440 Speaker 1: too because I read that, Um, you can kind of 339 00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,679 Speaker 1: if you're one, you're probably the other two sometimes like 340 00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:15,240 Speaker 1: you can kind of vacillate between the two. Is that true? 341 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:20,080 Speaker 1: So so you have one that's predominant. And again this 342 00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,959 Speaker 1: is pretty much wired in you by their age run 343 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,560 Speaker 1: two years old and the way they've tested this and 344 00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:28,679 Speaker 1: it's been repeated over and over again. This test it's 345 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:32,320 Speaker 1: called the Strange um the Strange situation test where they 346 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:35,120 Speaker 1: actually test babies and see how they react when their 347 00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:37,960 Speaker 1: mother leaves the room. Um. And then they follow these 348 00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,639 Speaker 1: babies until adulthood and they attached pretty much. Stage is 349 00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:44,880 Speaker 1: exactly the same. And so what's turkey though, is you 350 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:49,600 Speaker 1: can develop coping mechanism that look like it's the other 351 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:54,919 Speaker 1: type of attachment. For example, for me, I am formally 352 00:20:55,280 --> 00:20:58,520 Speaker 1: UM had an anxious attachment style. I have what's called 353 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:01,880 Speaker 1: an urn secure. Through work, I've been able to become 354 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:06,360 Speaker 1: secure in my attachment style now. UM, But what used 355 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:09,480 Speaker 1: to happen in my early twenties. I would just call, 356 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:13,520 Speaker 1: call calls, show up unexpectedly. UM, that's how I handled 357 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:18,400 Speaker 1: the anxiety. And UH. Once I realized that that looks 358 00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:21,840 Speaker 1: crazy and sufferish, I was like, oh my god, I'm 359 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,160 Speaker 1: not gonna do that. So I went the other way around, 360 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:28,000 Speaker 1: and I would reject people before they had any chance 361 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,080 Speaker 1: to reject me. I would take any inclination that they 362 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:34,720 Speaker 1: might be disinterested and reject them. So on the young side, 363 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:36,760 Speaker 1: it looked like I was an avoidance, but I was 364 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:41,160 Speaker 1: an anxious masquerading as an avoidance. It still stemmed from 365 00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,880 Speaker 1: a spear of being abandoned and rejected. And that's why 366 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:47,440 Speaker 1: it's important to look at what is a fundamental fear, UM, 367 00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:51,960 Speaker 1: and the way that I'll share how UM I rewired 368 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:57,359 Speaker 1: my attachment style, and there's there. They're definitely is a 369 00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,639 Speaker 1: way to do it, and UM. It takes time, and 370 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:03,840 Speaker 1: it takes practice, and it takes discipline, and so the 371 00:22:03,960 --> 00:22:07,119 Speaker 1: very first step is awareness UM and then started to 372 00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:10,640 Speaker 1: look at what your tendencies are when you're triggered. And 373 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:14,360 Speaker 1: so I realized there's certain things that would trigger me UM, 374 00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,439 Speaker 1: which would be the two main things is if the 375 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:21,080 Speaker 1: person I liked didn't initiate making plans with me, or 376 00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:24,760 Speaker 1: if they were inconsistent in their communication. When this happened, 377 00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:27,920 Speaker 1: the exact same thing would occur. I would go into 378 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,439 Speaker 1: a spiral. I would make up these stories and then 379 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:34,320 Speaker 1: I would do something that would sabotage. And so once 380 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,399 Speaker 1: I started to actually map out what I was doing, 381 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,000 Speaker 1: and then I started to look at, okay, what are 382 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:43,560 Speaker 1: the actual facts? And so I realized that how so 383 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:47,800 Speaker 1: many times I was just creating so many stories and 384 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,679 Speaker 1: assumptions and projecting. If someone didn't call me back right away, 385 00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,160 Speaker 1: I would automatically be like, oh my god, you don't 386 00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:56,080 Speaker 1: like me. He's not into you. I look like a fool. 387 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,720 Speaker 1: I better do something and sabotage this. When they were 388 00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:03,199 Speaker 1: busy at work, they were traveling UM. And so I 389 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,480 Speaker 1: started to just look at my reactions and start changing 390 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,360 Speaker 1: how I would react. And this would be really difficult 391 00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:12,760 Speaker 1: in the beginning because my natural tendency was you feel 392 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,800 Speaker 1: the uncomfortable emotion and you act on it right away. 393 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,760 Speaker 1: You send that text, you make that call, you do 394 00:23:18,840 --> 00:23:21,360 Speaker 1: that thing. And so I think the very first thing 395 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:26,200 Speaker 1: after awareness is pause, the art of the pause, and 396 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:30,639 Speaker 1: UM learning that the emotion will move through your body. 397 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:34,320 Speaker 1: It takes ninety seconds for emotion to move through your body. 398 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,120 Speaker 1: Anything more than that are the stories that you're attaching 399 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:40,720 Speaker 1: to that emotion. That's why that can turn that one 400 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:44,160 Speaker 1: little thing a panic or anxiety can turn into a 401 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:48,639 Speaker 1: spiral that can last days, if not weeks. UM. And 402 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:52,320 Speaker 1: then of course therapy will help. There's actually therapists at 403 00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:56,879 Speaker 1: our train in attachment therapy therapy. UM. I did hypnosis, 404 00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:00,359 Speaker 1: which worked really really well for me. UM knows it 405 00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:03,440 Speaker 1: works on about the population. So I think you need 406 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:08,600 Speaker 1: to find what works for you. And also, UM, attachment 407 00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:12,080 Speaker 1: is on a spectrum, and so you could be if 408 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:16,200 Speaker 1: you're highly highly um you know, anxious on the spectrum. 409 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:19,240 Speaker 1: If you date someone who is highly avoidant, it's going 410 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:23,000 Speaker 1: to keep rewounding you and so understanding that yes, you 411 00:24:23,119 --> 00:24:26,919 Speaker 1: might have crazy chemistry with that person, but it's likely 412 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:30,080 Speaker 1: going to end up like the last many time, which 413 00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:32,560 Speaker 1: is complete pain and heartbreak, and that's not helping you 414 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:36,040 Speaker 1: feel And so look for PE partners who are more secure, 415 00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:38,760 Speaker 1: because when you're with someone with who is more secure 416 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:42,760 Speaker 1: in their attachment, you will start to rebuild your trust. 417 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:47,200 Speaker 1: You will start to rewire those associations that, Oh, someone 418 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,800 Speaker 1: who doesn't call you back in an hour, that doesn't 419 00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:53,439 Speaker 1: mean that the connection is uh is abandoned or you're 420 00:24:53,480 --> 00:25:00,919 Speaker 1: going to get rejected. Oh my gosh, I'm sessing. Okay, 421 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:04,320 Speaker 1: so if you so, I do identify more with the anxious. 422 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:07,960 Speaker 1: But I've found this really interesting when you said, um 423 00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,000 Speaker 1: that you can kind of do the thing where like 424 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:13,879 Speaker 1: it triggers your abandonment and then you decide because that 425 00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:16,080 Speaker 1: person didn't give you what you need, like you're going 426 00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,520 Speaker 1: to punish them with, you know, not talking for four 427 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:21,440 Speaker 1: days or something. That is My pattern is very much 428 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:23,560 Speaker 1: like I shut down. I don't know if it makes 429 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,719 Speaker 1: me feel like I'm the one back in control or 430 00:25:25,720 --> 00:25:28,040 Speaker 1: what it is, but I think that's where I thought 431 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:31,520 Speaker 1: maybe I went to avoid itt mm hmm, yeah, it's 432 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:34,600 Speaker 1: it's it's definitely make good point. It's like a false 433 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,679 Speaker 1: sense of control. Yeah, a both sense of feelings you 434 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:41,160 Speaker 1: have power over the situation when really you're stepping away 435 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:47,399 Speaker 1: from connection also sabotaging egnacy. Yes, wow, so could you? 436 00:25:48,119 --> 00:25:51,159 Speaker 1: I mean, let's say so I'm obviously identifying as an 437 00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:55,119 Speaker 1: anxious attachment person to say I'm dating someone who realizes, 438 00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:58,680 Speaker 1: oh maybe they're a little avoidant. Can you work through 439 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:01,800 Speaker 1: that together? Is that possible or is it just like 440 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:04,600 Speaker 1: if you realize that within your relationship you just need 441 00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:08,320 Speaker 1: to get away from each other. No, totally, you can 442 00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,359 Speaker 1: totally work through it. And so the goal is for 443 00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:16,040 Speaker 1: both people to become more secure. That doesn't make sense. 444 00:26:16,200 --> 00:26:20,040 Speaker 1: If you start to work on becoming more secure yourself, um, 445 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:23,280 Speaker 1: that will automatically help the bond in the connection between 446 00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:26,960 Speaker 1: the avoidance and the anxious. But here's the ticker. Both 447 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:30,360 Speaker 1: people need to be equally invested in working through it. 448 00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:36,080 Speaker 1: That means when you're triggered because um, your partner needs 449 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:40,679 Speaker 1: space and it's distancing, you don't suddenly do something reactive 450 00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:45,920 Speaker 1: and sabotage or punish or act passive aggressive. And that 451 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:49,160 Speaker 1: means your partner who has a more avoidant tendency when 452 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:54,399 Speaker 1: they need space, they instead of iceland drawing, they have 453 00:26:54,600 --> 00:26:58,240 Speaker 1: open and honest communication, even if it's uncomfortable and says 454 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:02,160 Speaker 1: hey right now and feeling a bit of pressure. Um, 455 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:04,320 Speaker 1: you know, it's not that I don't like you or 456 00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:07,440 Speaker 1: really enjoy this connection, but I need some time. How 457 00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:10,520 Speaker 1: do you feel about that? It's really practicing this art 458 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:14,560 Speaker 1: of open and honest communication even if it's really uncomfortable, 459 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:17,360 Speaker 1: and if two people are game to try to work 460 00:27:17,359 --> 00:27:19,720 Speaker 1: through this, because if it don't work through it together now, 461 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,199 Speaker 1: at some point, you're going to have to otherwise the 462 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:25,680 Speaker 1: same problems are just going to keep coming up over 463 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:29,040 Speaker 1: and over again. I like that you say this is 464 00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,720 Speaker 1: one of your favorite quotes on the website, but it 465 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:36,040 Speaker 1: says chemistry does not guarantee compatibility. Definitely. I mean, but 466 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:39,960 Speaker 1: isn't that so interesting because in our society, I feel like, 467 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:42,520 Speaker 1: you know, the spark you feel when you meet someone, 468 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:45,320 Speaker 1: or that I that first eye contact, when you feel 469 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:48,159 Speaker 1: the just that the butterflies in your stomach and the 470 00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:51,920 Speaker 1: fireworks going off like that is so praised as, oh, 471 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:55,440 Speaker 1: we just have such good chemistry, But that's not necessarily 472 00:27:55,480 --> 00:28:01,040 Speaker 1: the key to a good relationship. Oh totally. I mean, look, 473 00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:05,320 Speaker 1: if they were to make a two hour romantic comedy 474 00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:10,120 Speaker 1: and you know, the storyline went, Uh, two people met, 475 00:28:10,119 --> 00:28:13,399 Speaker 1: they were introduced by friends. They had a dinner. A 476 00:28:13,600 --> 00:28:17,199 Speaker 1: week later, they had another dinner, and uh, throughout the 477 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,280 Speaker 1: next few months they went on various states and enjoyed 478 00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:24,760 Speaker 1: each other's company. Anyone's going to watch the phone for it. 479 00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:29,240 Speaker 1: But what if you know, um, two people met, you 480 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:33,880 Speaker 1: know at a party, and um, their parents hated each 481 00:28:33,920 --> 00:28:37,360 Speaker 1: other and they were immortal enemies and then they had 482 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:40,760 Speaker 1: to fight through you know, the different politics and all 483 00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:44,080 Speaker 1: these things, and then suddenly they like met like the 484 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:48,080 Speaker 1: fireworks is what sells, right, It's what sells the songs, 485 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:52,040 Speaker 1: the books, like you know, the movies. As we've been 486 00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:56,560 Speaker 1: set the storyline since we were little kids, and so 487 00:28:57,200 --> 00:29:00,440 Speaker 1: you know what we are sold as this is love? 488 00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:08,200 Speaker 1: Is really classic love, addictions, dysfunctional, codependent, uh lust, and 489 00:29:08,400 --> 00:29:12,240 Speaker 1: it is not love. And so I think what happens 490 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:16,440 Speaker 1: is two things. I think we are bombarded with messages 491 00:29:16,720 --> 00:29:20,920 Speaker 1: from culture and media, um that love should be something 492 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:25,040 Speaker 1: that is full of intensity and excitement and ups and 493 00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:28,800 Speaker 1: downs and fiery, rip your clothes off, can't live without 494 00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:31,239 Speaker 1: you type of sex. If you have to look at 495 00:29:31,240 --> 00:29:36,560 Speaker 1: the science behind this, the chemistry is really concoction of 496 00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:40,920 Speaker 1: dopamine oxytocin feel good chemicals that are happening in your 497 00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:43,320 Speaker 1: body when you meet someone and you're in lust. These 498 00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:46,200 Speaker 1: last for about eight months, about two years on a 499 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:50,520 Speaker 1: scientific level. Um, And so it's there's a for sure 500 00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:53,840 Speaker 1: expiry day. And can you be married for twenty years 501 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:57,680 Speaker 1: and keep sparking these chemicals. Yes, but it's not the 502 00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:00,560 Speaker 1: same as the first eight key two years. You actually 503 00:30:00,600 --> 00:30:03,800 Speaker 1: couldn't sustain it. It would actually be very very unhealthy 504 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:08,600 Speaker 1: for you. And so um, there's that which is like 505 00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:11,600 Speaker 1: the idea of what love is, which is actually not 506 00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:15,520 Speaker 1: real and leading you to with really false expectations. And 507 00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:18,560 Speaker 1: the second thing is, as I mentioned earlier, if you 508 00:30:18,680 --> 00:30:21,480 Speaker 1: didn't have a healthy model of love, what love looks like, 509 00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:24,760 Speaker 1: you are going to be chasing the same thing. Because 510 00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:28,320 Speaker 1: human beings like what is familiar. So if you're familiar 511 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:33,320 Speaker 1: with chaos, if you're familiar with being um given attention 512 00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:37,200 Speaker 1: one moment and then your your parents punishing you by 513 00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:41,880 Speaker 1: withdrawing love the other, that's your sense of familiarity, that's 514 00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:44,800 Speaker 1: your homeostasis, and that's what you're going to be drawn to. 515 00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:49,239 Speaker 1: A k A has chemistry with as an adult, and 516 00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:52,840 Speaker 1: so I call this your chemistry compass, and your chemistry 517 00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:56,440 Speaker 1: compass might be broken if it keeps pointing you to 518 00:30:56,640 --> 00:30:59,640 Speaker 1: people who are wounding you in the exact same way. 519 00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:03,520 Speaker 1: M hmm. I was reading there was an article on 520 00:31:03,560 --> 00:31:06,360 Speaker 1: your site about love addiction and just saying that we 521 00:31:06,440 --> 00:31:09,280 Speaker 1: do live in a love addicted society. Like that's just 522 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:12,800 Speaker 1: become the norm, It's aid. Dr Larry Young, he's the 523 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:17,000 Speaker 1: director of Translational Social Neuroscience, notes that experiencing a loss 524 00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:19,720 Speaker 1: from a partner, such as separation or death, as akin 525 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:24,920 Speaker 1: to an addict craving drugs. Yeah, and that's exactly what 526 00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:29,440 Speaker 1: happens at breakup boot cap. They are their physically and withdrawal. 527 00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:31,480 Speaker 1: If they were to do Mr I span on the 528 00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:34,960 Speaker 1: brain after separations, they would see the same part of 529 00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:37,520 Speaker 1: the brain is activated as a heroine user feeding for 530 00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:42,360 Speaker 1: their fix. They're physically in withdrawal. And so yeah, it 531 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,920 Speaker 1: could be super addictive because what happens when you feel 532 00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:50,480 Speaker 1: less for someone, Um, you have a ton of dopermine 533 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:54,040 Speaker 1: that's pulsing through your body. Dopamine is that feels good 534 00:31:54,120 --> 00:31:58,480 Speaker 1: pleasure chemical. It's what you get with you have chocolate, 535 00:31:58,760 --> 00:32:02,800 Speaker 1: when you do cocaine when um, the apple of your 536 00:32:02,840 --> 00:32:06,960 Speaker 1: eye gives you affection and attention, and it's also what 537 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:10,280 Speaker 1: makes you feel like complete hell when they don't return 538 00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:14,240 Speaker 1: your affection. Right you're getting hits, I mean legitimately like 539 00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,920 Speaker 1: a drug addict. It's I mean, that's so interesting to 540 00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:19,760 Speaker 1: think about. So is that is what we are equating 541 00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:22,520 Speaker 1: with love and our society And you know you're saying 542 00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:25,080 Speaker 1: this is not real love, This is love addiction? What 543 00:32:25,320 --> 00:32:29,120 Speaker 1: is love? What does that look like? Yeah? So I 544 00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:32,920 Speaker 1: think for anyone who's listening out here, UM, if you 545 00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:37,360 Speaker 1: don't have an idea of what healthy love feels like 546 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:40,480 Speaker 1: because you didn't have a healthy model of it um 547 00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:44,080 Speaker 1: or you haven't experienced it or a romantic relationship, this 548 00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:46,840 Speaker 1: is what I suggest you do because it's going to 549 00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:49,840 Speaker 1: to feel very different. But the very first thing to 550 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:53,640 Speaker 1: do is create awareness, even on this rebal level, so 551 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:57,080 Speaker 1: that you can one day experience it on an embodied 552 00:32:57,120 --> 00:33:01,960 Speaker 1: level right down. What if what is unhelped see relationships? 553 00:33:02,560 --> 00:33:05,520 Speaker 1: Unhealthy relating look like. I don't want to say unhealthy 554 00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:07,920 Speaker 1: love because it's not love in the first place. And 555 00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:14,080 Speaker 1: unhealthy is up and down, is chaotic, is inconsistent, is punishing, 556 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:18,360 Speaker 1: is abusive, all those things. Those red flags write that down, 557 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:22,680 Speaker 1: right down, so it's very clear what unhealthy looks like, 558 00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:25,640 Speaker 1: so that you can use that as your parameters the 559 00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:29,080 Speaker 1: next time you lock eyes with someone across the bar 560 00:33:29,240 --> 00:33:31,800 Speaker 1: and you're like, oh my gosh, red flags, look at 561 00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:33,800 Speaker 1: that list and be like, oh, you know what my 562 00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:37,200 Speaker 1: chemistry you know is all up on you. But I 563 00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:42,440 Speaker 1: know better because I'm going I'm falling in the same track. Um. 564 00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:45,520 Speaker 1: And so healthy love, if you don't have a model 565 00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:48,360 Speaker 1: of what it is romantically, I'm sure you can find, 566 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:52,320 Speaker 1: um some examples of how healthy love feels like from 567 00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:57,320 Speaker 1: friends or family, because it's all the same thing, romantic love, uh, 568 00:33:57,520 --> 00:34:00,400 Speaker 1: familial love, it's all part of the same thing love. 569 00:34:00,760 --> 00:34:06,480 Speaker 1: And that love is consistent. It's supportive, it's accepting. Uh, 570 00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:12,240 Speaker 1: it's warm, it's kind, it's patient. Uh, it's inspiring, it's empowering, 571 00:34:13,000 --> 00:34:16,839 Speaker 1: and it's just start to marinate in what that has 572 00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:20,480 Speaker 1: felt like for you in the past and keep building 573 00:34:20,480 --> 00:34:24,800 Speaker 1: on those experiences. And and that means if you're saying 574 00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:27,959 Speaker 1: no to that person who you know is the awe 575 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:30,439 Speaker 1: has all the warning signs of the red flags, because 576 00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:33,960 Speaker 1: you know that that's not healthy. That means open up 577 00:34:33,960 --> 00:34:36,920 Speaker 1: your heart, open up your mind, to give a chance 578 00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:40,680 Speaker 1: to people who you might not feel this intense chemistry 579 00:34:40,719 --> 00:34:43,719 Speaker 1: with in the beginning, but it might grow because you 580 00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:47,040 Speaker 1: need to start getting familiar with what healthy looks like 581 00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:50,120 Speaker 1: and feels like before you ask you to jump in. 582 00:34:50,480 --> 00:34:54,320 Speaker 1: You don't go from high high, low, low, dysfunctional relating 583 00:34:54,560 --> 00:34:57,920 Speaker 1: to suddenly super healthy. That's just not how it works. 584 00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:01,720 Speaker 1: It works in changing one degree at a time, getting 585 00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:05,160 Speaker 1: a little bit healthier, partner by partner. So I read 586 00:35:05,280 --> 00:35:08,160 Speaker 1: your you talked about your dating experience, and as you 587 00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:11,759 Speaker 1: mentioned earlier, you were picking men who kind of recreated 588 00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:14,879 Speaker 1: your relationship with your father, and a lot of times 589 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:18,239 Speaker 1: that looked like what was it workaholics or just emotionally 590 00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:23,480 Speaker 1: unavailable in some capacity, But you started dating differently. Can 591 00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:27,839 Speaker 1: you tell us about that. Yeah, So, I just had 592 00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:32,479 Speaker 1: a track record of going for guys who just never 593 00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:35,360 Speaker 1: prioritized me, and I was always just trying to earn 594 00:35:35,640 --> 00:35:39,320 Speaker 1: their attention and prove myself. I was always pining for someone, 595 00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:43,840 Speaker 1: and um, there was pivotal moment where I realized I 596 00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:47,319 Speaker 1: had a problem. And I actually had a guy friend 597 00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:51,319 Speaker 1: of mine who's amazing person. And he was messaging me 598 00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:55,400 Speaker 1: on on Facebook and he's like, hey, Amy, Um, you know, 599 00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:57,600 Speaker 1: I know we're friends, but it seems like we have 600 00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:00,960 Speaker 1: like similar values and I was wondering if you'd be 601 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:05,160 Speaker 1: open to seeing if there's a romantic connection here. And 602 00:36:05,400 --> 00:36:11,160 Speaker 1: I had a physical reaction of disgusted and I was 603 00:36:11,160 --> 00:36:14,960 Speaker 1: like oh. And I remember my teammates at the office 604 00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:16,760 Speaker 1: was like, oh my god, are you okay? What happens? 605 00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:20,319 Speaker 1: And I just stopped and like, oh my gosh, Like 606 00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:24,120 Speaker 1: if I'm getting a this role reaction like this over 607 00:36:24,239 --> 00:36:29,360 Speaker 1: a nice guy who is kind, loving, intentionally wants to 608 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:33,760 Speaker 1: date me, is respectfully asking me, and I'm rest acting 609 00:36:33,880 --> 00:36:37,360 Speaker 1: like this, there is something wrong here. And I realized 610 00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:42,600 Speaker 1: that my chemistry compass was way broken, and so I 611 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:46,040 Speaker 1: didn't experiment on myself and I decided I'm like, Okay, 612 00:36:46,239 --> 00:36:49,080 Speaker 1: I am gonna be open to going on dates with 613 00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:51,880 Speaker 1: people who intentionally want to go on a date with me, 614 00:36:52,440 --> 00:36:58,120 Speaker 1: who seem healthy, kind and have similar values, um and secure, 615 00:36:58,719 --> 00:37:01,200 Speaker 1: and even if I don't feel the chemistry, I'm just 616 00:37:01,239 --> 00:37:04,600 Speaker 1: gonna explore. And so I went on a date with 617 00:37:04,640 --> 00:37:07,360 Speaker 1: this guy. I went on multiple dates with him, um 618 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:12,120 Speaker 1: and I continued, UM, I probably met seven different people, 619 00:37:12,680 --> 00:37:15,839 Speaker 1: going on multiple dates with them. UM. And I did 620 00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:18,799 Speaker 1: this for about eight months, and I hit a point 621 00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:22,480 Speaker 1: of frustration because I was like, this experience isn't working, 622 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:25,880 Speaker 1: like chemistry isn't building. And I remember there was one 623 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:30,879 Speaker 1: of the guys who earlier on in the very beginning, UM, 624 00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:32,560 Speaker 1: I had said to him like, hey, you know, I 625 00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:34,160 Speaker 1: just want to be upfront with where I'm at. I 626 00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:37,560 Speaker 1: don't feel chemistry right now, but if you're open to 627 00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:40,040 Speaker 1: like hanging out like no pressure as like funds like, 628 00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:42,759 Speaker 1: I'm down. And he's like yeah, he's like, I want 629 00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:45,200 Speaker 1: to get to know you as a human. Like if 630 00:37:45,280 --> 00:37:47,440 Speaker 1: that's on a friendship level, I'm totally cool with that. 631 00:37:47,719 --> 00:37:49,799 Speaker 1: So I would hang out with this person every once 632 00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:52,759 Speaker 1: in a while and just you know, no, not ever 633 00:37:52,840 --> 00:37:55,600 Speaker 1: feels pressure or anything like that, just as friends. And 634 00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:58,640 Speaker 1: I remember it was eight months after and this is 635 00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:01,040 Speaker 1: probably are like eight time hanging out. We were having 636 00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:04,520 Speaker 1: dinner and I remember looking across the table at him 637 00:38:04,560 --> 00:38:09,200 Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, like, you look handsome, and 638 00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:13,520 Speaker 1: i just realized I was like a physically attracted to him, 639 00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:16,840 Speaker 1: and I'm like, what the hell just happened. And what 640 00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:21,600 Speaker 1: happened was through time, I started to become more comfortable 641 00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:25,040 Speaker 1: with him. And even though I didn't feel in the 642 00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:29,280 Speaker 1: very beginning that I had a chemistry, a romantic chemistry 643 00:38:29,320 --> 00:38:31,640 Speaker 1: with him, I knew I enjoyed hanging out with him. 644 00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:38,000 Speaker 1: And eventually that spark, whatever it was, turned into romantic chemistry, 645 00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:43,200 Speaker 1: and chemistry grew because I started to see who he was, 646 00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:47,560 Speaker 1: for his character and for his soul. And that took time. 647 00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:52,280 Speaker 1: And you know, if those first seven got I didn't, 648 00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:55,640 Speaker 1: you know, do this with and slowly but surely get 649 00:38:55,640 --> 00:39:00,080 Speaker 1: more familiar and more comfortable with what healthy felt like, 650 00:39:00,480 --> 00:39:03,000 Speaker 1: what it felt like a date someone who intentionally want 651 00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:06,000 Speaker 1: to date me. I would have never developed feelings with 652 00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,560 Speaker 1: the sky. And that's what I mean. It's just one 653 00:39:08,640 --> 00:39:11,560 Speaker 1: degree at a time. You need to get familiar with 654 00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:16,160 Speaker 1: how it feels like so your brain doesn't just reject it. Right, 655 00:39:16,160 --> 00:39:19,400 Speaker 1: It's that rewiring I had. My therapist told me I 656 00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:21,360 Speaker 1: was telling me about her experience, and she said that 657 00:39:21,400 --> 00:39:25,279 Speaker 1: when she first started to heal and and grow from 658 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:28,040 Speaker 1: this stuff, that she could walk, started to be able 659 00:39:28,040 --> 00:39:30,600 Speaker 1: to walk into a room and could tell the men 660 00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:33,680 Speaker 1: she needed to get away from immediately because she would 661 00:39:33,680 --> 00:39:37,080 Speaker 1: be so drawn to them. And that's isn't that so 662 00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:39,080 Speaker 1: interesting that? Because I think that if you told someone 663 00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:41,840 Speaker 1: who isn't doing this work, they would be like, well, what, 664 00:39:42,239 --> 00:39:44,399 Speaker 1: that's the person that you probably are you know, super 665 00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:46,520 Speaker 1: attracted to or have the chemistry with. But that's not 666 00:39:46,560 --> 00:39:51,080 Speaker 1: always going to be healthy, which I think is so interesting. Yeah, 667 00:39:51,239 --> 00:39:56,240 Speaker 1: if you don't have a history of healthy relationship, if you, 668 00:39:56,239 --> 00:39:59,960 Speaker 1: you know, meet someone and it's like off the charts chemistry, 669 00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:03,160 Speaker 1: that's usually not a sign of a green light. It's 670 00:40:03,160 --> 00:40:06,239 Speaker 1: a red light. There's a reason for that polarity, and 671 00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:11,160 Speaker 1: it's because that person you can subb like subconsciously it's like, 672 00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:14,280 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, they're going to like really hit those 673 00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:18,080 Speaker 1: deep wounds of mine. God, it's so crazy. And that 674 00:40:18,280 --> 00:40:21,960 Speaker 1: also it's like for me, I know, um, just being 675 00:40:21,960 --> 00:40:24,719 Speaker 1: in the dating world now, it's it's kind of like, oh, 676 00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:27,680 Speaker 1: like you trust yourself once you know that might be 677 00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:30,640 Speaker 1: your pattern, Because if you're drawn to somebody, does that 678 00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:33,320 Speaker 1: mean it's like the bad you know, the bad chemistry 679 00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:38,480 Speaker 1: or the the repeating the patterns you've always done. I 680 00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:41,320 Speaker 1: think that if you once you start doing the work 681 00:40:41,360 --> 00:40:45,480 Speaker 1: and creating awareness. It really just depends on where you're at. Like, 682 00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:48,359 Speaker 1: as I mentioned, if you have never really looked at 683 00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:52,399 Speaker 1: this stuff and have a history of dating people who 684 00:40:52,400 --> 00:40:55,719 Speaker 1: are caterrible for you, then yes, your chemistry compass is 685 00:40:55,719 --> 00:41:01,800 Speaker 1: probably way broken and you're not prioritizing compatibility enough. Um. 686 00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:04,600 Speaker 1: You know, as you continue to get healthier yourself and 687 00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:07,399 Speaker 1: more secure, you'll start to see a difference in who 688 00:41:07,440 --> 00:41:09,560 Speaker 1: you are drawn to and who has drawn to you. 689 00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:12,680 Speaker 1: That's probably the quickest way to take a look at 690 00:41:12,960 --> 00:41:17,120 Speaker 1: how are you doing on an emotional health level. Um, 691 00:41:17,239 --> 00:41:20,799 Speaker 1: And hopefully you get to a point where you know 692 00:41:20,920 --> 00:41:24,600 Speaker 1: you addressed some of those limiting belief systems that have 693 00:41:24,680 --> 00:41:27,799 Speaker 1: been kicking around for decades, and you're more secure and 694 00:41:27,840 --> 00:41:32,160 Speaker 1: you're not facing yourself worth, identity and self esteem on 695 00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:36,000 Speaker 1: someone else, and you have a strong foundation, and when 696 00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:39,000 Speaker 1: you're coming from that place, you can start trusting your 697 00:41:39,000 --> 00:41:43,280 Speaker 1: gut and your intuition. I do believe that every relationship, 698 00:41:43,440 --> 00:41:45,880 Speaker 1: or this has been my experience, at least every relationship 699 00:41:45,880 --> 00:41:48,640 Speaker 1: I've been has been some lesson to get me to 700 00:41:48,640 --> 00:41:52,520 Speaker 1: the next level of knowing myself greater or being a 701 00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:56,719 Speaker 1: better version of myself. And some capacity. Um, do you 702 00:41:56,840 --> 00:41:58,759 Speaker 1: think you know that statement? You know how people are 703 00:41:58,800 --> 00:42:01,680 Speaker 1: always saying you can can't love someone fully until you 704 00:42:01,719 --> 00:42:06,840 Speaker 1: love yourself. Um, I I agree with that, but I 705 00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:09,560 Speaker 1: also lately have been one, you know, bouncing around the 706 00:42:09,600 --> 00:42:13,760 Speaker 1: idea of relationships truly do show me sides of myself 707 00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:15,960 Speaker 1: that I didn't even know we're in there, or you know, 708 00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:19,200 Speaker 1: old wounds that I haven't healed yet, or old traumas. 709 00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:21,720 Speaker 1: And I was reading somewhere on your website and it said, 710 00:42:22,160 --> 00:42:24,759 Speaker 1: when you open up your heart, or when you open 711 00:42:24,840 --> 00:42:27,840 Speaker 1: up your heart for love, anything that hasn't been healed 712 00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:31,839 Speaker 1: will come out of hiding. Yeah, And I think that's 713 00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:34,960 Speaker 1: so true because I can be going about my life 714 00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:38,000 Speaker 1: not understanding or knowing that stuff is still in there, 715 00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:40,279 Speaker 1: or you know, like they said, the old wounds thing 716 00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:43,520 Speaker 1: that they're in there. But when I get in certain relationships, 717 00:42:43,520 --> 00:42:45,680 Speaker 1: it gets triggered and it comes out and it forces 718 00:42:45,719 --> 00:42:49,280 Speaker 1: me to kind of face another layer of things about 719 00:42:49,360 --> 00:42:56,080 Speaker 1: myself or my past or even my attachment styles. Totally. 720 00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:57,960 Speaker 1: I mean there, I think you hit a point in 721 00:42:58,000 --> 00:43:01,800 Speaker 1: your evolution where to go. The next step is really 722 00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:06,239 Speaker 1: in relation with another person. Yeah, it's very easy while 723 00:43:06,239 --> 00:43:10,479 Speaker 1: you're single and not really having to be vulnerable, not 724 00:43:10,640 --> 00:43:16,200 Speaker 1: really having to create true intimacy, um to just be like, oh, 725 00:43:16,280 --> 00:43:20,600 Speaker 1: everything's all great. It's it's when you're with someone and 726 00:43:20,719 --> 00:43:23,640 Speaker 1: choosing to like stick through it that your stuff is 727 00:43:23,680 --> 00:43:27,799 Speaker 1: going to come up. Yeah wow, I love that you say. 728 00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:30,720 Speaker 1: Our greatest lesson in this lifetime is to practice opening 729 00:43:30,719 --> 00:43:37,000 Speaker 1: our hearts even when it hurts, especially when it hurts. Yeah, totally. 730 00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:41,320 Speaker 1: Um So, I could obviously talk about this stuff forever 731 00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:44,360 Speaker 1: with you, but you guys should go check out this website, 732 00:43:44,719 --> 00:43:47,360 Speaker 1: UM just my type dot c a where Amy talks 733 00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:49,760 Speaker 1: about all of these different topics. You have guest writers 734 00:43:49,760 --> 00:43:53,400 Speaker 1: sometimes as well, who are different experts in their fields. 735 00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:55,839 Speaker 1: What else? I mean? We have the Breakup boot can't 736 00:43:55,840 --> 00:43:58,400 Speaker 1: we talked about? You have a book coming out right 737 00:43:58,560 --> 00:44:02,160 Speaker 1: in the spring? I do so. I have a book 738 00:44:02,200 --> 00:44:05,640 Speaker 1: called Breakup boot Camp, The Science to Rewire in Your Heart, 739 00:44:06,480 --> 00:44:10,520 Speaker 1: being published by HarperCollins on me fIF and it is 740 00:44:10,719 --> 00:44:13,160 Speaker 1: really a lot of what we've just talked about. It's 741 00:44:13,200 --> 00:44:16,960 Speaker 1: for that woman or man who can't actually come attend 742 00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:20,440 Speaker 1: one of my physical retreats, but it is to help 743 00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:24,560 Speaker 1: you look at your past relationships to identify the subconscious 744 00:44:24,560 --> 00:44:28,600 Speaker 1: patterns and blocks that's causing the same patterns and outcomes 745 00:44:28,600 --> 00:44:32,960 Speaker 1: to repeat and blocked by block, we build a stronger, 746 00:44:33,040 --> 00:44:37,680 Speaker 1: sturdier foundation so that you can actually create healthy love 747 00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:42,000 Speaker 1: with yourselves and then hopefully with another person. UM. So 748 00:44:42,040 --> 00:44:45,319 Speaker 1: it's all on rewiring. It's the psychology and the psych 749 00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:50,080 Speaker 1: science of love, lust and desire. Wow, And that comes 750 00:44:50,080 --> 00:44:55,279 Speaker 1: out when ma fIF fIF I will repost about that 751 00:44:55,320 --> 00:44:57,640 Speaker 1: when it comes out to remind you guys, um that 752 00:44:57,760 --> 00:45:00,680 Speaker 1: you can go out and get it. UM. Also, I 753 00:45:00,719 --> 00:45:03,120 Speaker 1: saw on the website there are a couple of different 754 00:45:03,239 --> 00:45:05,480 Speaker 1: things you can sign up for. You know, is it 755 00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:09,960 Speaker 1: like a monthly subscription or what were the two different options? Yeah, 756 00:45:10,160 --> 00:45:13,960 Speaker 1: so UM you can sign up for actually have a Patreon, 757 00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:17,040 Speaker 1: so you can go onto either just by Type dot 758 00:45:17,040 --> 00:45:19,880 Speaker 1: pa or renew breakup boot camp dot com. And I 759 00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:24,560 Speaker 1: actually have kind of a secret blog that isn't on 760 00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:26,840 Speaker 1: just by Types And this is like a combination of 761 00:45:26,920 --> 00:45:30,880 Speaker 1: like just my deep, raw, unfiltered thoughts. I have my 762 00:45:30,920 --> 00:45:35,400 Speaker 1: own personal dating diaries on their UM. I have asked Amy, 763 00:45:35,480 --> 00:45:37,640 Speaker 1: so you can ask me anything and I can I'll 764 00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:42,239 Speaker 1: actually personally answer your love and dating its UM questions um, 765 00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:45,480 Speaker 1: And the other is it's a it's a thirty day 766 00:45:45,760 --> 00:45:49,560 Speaker 1: UM breakup course. So after a breakup, it's a daily 767 00:45:49,719 --> 00:45:53,000 Speaker 1: email with an activity and some psychology of what's going 768 00:45:53,080 --> 00:45:55,480 Speaker 1: on and something you can do to get yourself out 769 00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:57,719 Speaker 1: of a funk. Oh, I have to go sign up 770 00:45:57,760 --> 00:46:02,040 Speaker 1: for this. Okay? Where else can people find you? On Instagram? 771 00:46:02,200 --> 00:46:05,520 Speaker 1: Social media? What are your handles? Yeah, I'm at miss 772 00:46:05,520 --> 00:46:08,560 Speaker 1: Amy Chan across the board. So M I S S 773 00:46:08,680 --> 00:46:11,640 Speaker 1: A M Y C H A N. Amazing. Thank you 774 00:46:11,680 --> 00:46:13,440 Speaker 1: so much for being here and just this work that 775 00:46:13,480 --> 00:46:17,000 Speaker 1: you're doing. I totally appreciated, and I know a lot 776 00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:19,000 Speaker 1: of my friends have just really started to dive and 777 00:46:19,040 --> 00:46:21,440 Speaker 1: stuff like this, so I really think it's amazing that 778 00:46:21,480 --> 00:46:25,520 Speaker 1: you're pioneering this for us. Thank you. This was so fun. 779 00:46:26,200 --> 00:46:27,800 Speaker 1: Thank you for being here, and thank you guys so 780 00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:31,319 Speaker 1: much for listening by. This is Kelly Henderson and you've 781 00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:34,960 Speaker 1: been listening to the Velvet Edge podcast. I truly believe 782 00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:37,200 Speaker 1: that every one of us has a little velvet and 783 00:46:37,239 --> 00:46:40,000 Speaker 1: a little edge, so it's so important to remember that 784 00:46:40,080 --> 00:46:43,279 Speaker 1: to be strong, you must be soft too. Thank you 785 00:46:43,360 --> 00:46:46,000 Speaker 1: so much for sharing in those stories with me. You 786 00:46:46,000 --> 00:46:49,279 Speaker 1: can follow Velvet's Edge on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter, as 787 00:46:49,320 --> 00:46:52,160 Speaker 1: well as velvet's Edge dot com. If you have it yet, 788 00:46:52,239 --> 00:46:56,160 Speaker 1: go to Apple Podcast and subscribe, rate and review this podcast. 789 00:46:56,600 --> 00:47:00,759 Speaker 1: Join me every Wednesday for more conversations on lifestyle, O, beauty, 790 00:47:00,760 --> 00:47:02,920 Speaker 1: and relationships. Thanks for listening.