WEBVTT - How to Forgive (Even When You Don’t Want To) 0:00:00.040 --> 0:00:02.280 Hey, everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of 0:00:02.360 --> 0:00:05.279 A Really Good Cry. I hope you've had such a wonderful, 0:00:05.320 --> 0:00:08.239 wonderful week. So I recently shared a video of me 0:00:08.400 --> 0:00:11.600 speaking on a podcast about forgiveness. The essence of it 0:00:11.800 --> 0:00:13.640 was that you don't always have to tell the person 0:00:13.680 --> 0:00:16.159 who hurt you that they hurt you, and where you 0:00:16.200 --> 0:00:19.320 get relief from in those situations is not usually where 0:00:19.320 --> 0:00:21.720 the pain came from. Really and truly, it was talking 0:00:21.800 --> 0:00:25.040 about forgiveness being a one person process, not a two 0:00:25.079 --> 0:00:28.920 person process. That you can forgive someone without honestly them 0:00:28.960 --> 0:00:31.880 even knowing that they've hurt you, and sometimes without having 0:00:31.920 --> 0:00:34.040 to have a conversation about it. Now, it was really 0:00:34.080 --> 0:00:36.720 amazing because it sparked up so much great conversation in 0:00:36.760 --> 0:00:40.680 the comments, and I read all of those read the comments, 0:00:40.680 --> 0:00:43.440 and there was so many people saying, no, you absolutely 0:00:43.520 --> 0:00:45.519 have to tell the person when they've hurt you, like 0:00:45.600 --> 0:00:48.000 if you don't tell them then things can't change, And 0:00:48.400 --> 0:00:50.120 there was a lot of debate on that, to be honest, 0:00:50.360 --> 0:00:52.120 So there are some people who could really relate to 0:00:52.159 --> 0:00:53.680 what I was saying, and other people who are really 0:00:53.760 --> 0:00:56.880 enraged by it, and honestly, I could see and understand why, 0:00:57.080 --> 0:01:00.880 because for some people, when something really different has happened, 0:01:01.200 --> 0:01:03.279 telling the person feels like it is part of the 0:01:03.320 --> 0:01:05.560 process of getting over it, of letting go of it, 0:01:05.600 --> 0:01:08.400 of maybe forgiving them. So I think it's really dependent 0:01:08.440 --> 0:01:11.520 on the situation. I think when I was speaking about it, 0:01:11.600 --> 0:01:15.600 I meant in certain situations, when you know saying something 0:01:15.680 --> 0:01:17.679 actually isn't going to make any difference to the other 0:01:17.720 --> 0:01:20.759 person and then are going to change their ways, that's 0:01:20.760 --> 0:01:23.320 when you have to decide it is a one person process, 0:01:23.319 --> 0:01:24.720 and I'm going to let go of this. I'm going 0:01:24.760 --> 0:01:27.000 to forgive that person, not for them, but for me, 0:01:27.160 --> 0:01:29.440 because sometimes we don't want to face that person, sometimes 0:01:29.480 --> 0:01:32.360 that person is no longer here to even tell them, 0:01:32.600 --> 0:01:35.880 and sometimes even communicating with that person, even if it's 0:01:35.880 --> 0:01:38.240 to tell them about the pain they've caused, feels like 0:01:38.280 --> 0:01:40.560 we're crossing a boundary that we don't want to and 0:01:40.760 --> 0:01:43.399 feels like we're giving them the power bag. So, in 0:01:43.440 --> 0:01:46.280 all honesty, when I think about forgiveness, I think that 0:01:46.280 --> 0:01:50.280 there's two kinds. There's forgiveness with these traumas with the 0:01:50.320 --> 0:01:52.520 little tea, and by that I mean the day to 0:01:52.560 --> 0:01:55.559 day issues that we go through. There's smaller pains, the discomforts, 0:01:55.600 --> 0:01:59.320 the disagreements, the ones we go through regularly as humans. 0:01:59.480 --> 0:02:02.520 But then they're the big T trauma forgiveness, and that 0:02:02.640 --> 0:02:06.000 kind of forgiveness requires a lot from the person, and 0:02:06.040 --> 0:02:10.040 that's things like abuse, murder, and all the things in between. Now, 0:02:10.080 --> 0:02:12.359 I can't say that I've been through any of those 0:02:12.360 --> 0:02:16.240 big T traumas, so any advice that I would try 0:02:16.240 --> 0:02:18.079 to give you on it, it wouldn't feel right for 0:02:18.120 --> 0:02:20.399 me to give advice on that. So I actually took 0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:24.000 from conversations that I've had with friends, with people that 0:02:24.040 --> 0:02:26.639 have spoken and open up to me about the big 0:02:26.680 --> 0:02:30.080 T traumas that they've been through and how they have 0:02:30.240 --> 0:02:33.240 reacted to forgiveness, how they have reacted in those situations. 0:02:33.320 --> 0:02:35.640 I've had friends and family that have sadly been through 0:02:36.080 --> 0:02:38.519 quite a lot of big T traumas, and I wanted 0:02:38.560 --> 0:02:40.240 to share some of their stories and hopes that it 0:02:40.280 --> 0:02:44.679 brings clarity to your process and your journey in forgiveness 0:02:45.000 --> 0:02:47.880 and sheds light on what can come from forgiven, even 0:02:48.000 --> 0:02:50.079 if it feels out of reach right now, even if 0:02:50.120 --> 0:02:53.360 forgiveness isn't a word you want in your vocabulary I 0:02:53.400 --> 0:02:56.800 completely understand, but I hope that this episode helps you 0:02:56.919 --> 0:03:00.240 to start on that journey, not for anybody else, but 0:03:00.360 --> 0:03:02.600 for yourself. So when I was writing this, I looked 0:03:02.639 --> 0:03:04.800 up definitions of forgiveness, and I really love this on 0:03:04.880 --> 0:03:09.440 the most. It said forgiveness is the intentional, voluntary, being 0:03:09.440 --> 0:03:13.600 important process of releasing deep seated feelings of resentment, anger, 0:03:13.639 --> 0:03:17.040 and vengeance towards someone who has caused harm, regardless of 0:03:17.040 --> 0:03:20.919 whether they deserve it, Facilitating personal healing and mental peace. 0:03:21.480 --> 0:03:23.679 I think the key words for me here are voluntary 0:03:23.760 --> 0:03:26.839 and personal healing and mental peace. When I was reading 0:03:26.960 --> 0:03:29.359 articles online, I think that the thing that stuck out 0:03:29.400 --> 0:03:32.919 to me the most was just how suffocating this idea 0:03:32.919 --> 0:03:35.560 of forgiveness can be for people who've been through really 0:03:35.560 --> 0:03:40.200 difficult times, this feeling of duty of society expecting you 0:03:40.280 --> 0:03:42.880 to forgive, because it makes people feel really uncomfortable if 0:03:42.920 --> 0:03:44.920 someone has a lot of anger. It makes people feel 0:03:44.920 --> 0:03:47.440 really uncomfortable if someone isn't on the path of forgiveness, 0:03:47.480 --> 0:03:49.839 if they have decided no, I actually want to hold 0:03:49.880 --> 0:03:52.320 this in me, and I'm choosing to keep this anger 0:03:52.360 --> 0:03:55.040 in me because it feels protective, that feels uncomfortable to 0:03:55.040 --> 0:03:57.280 people because you're used to being in a society where, 0:03:57.280 --> 0:03:59.000 even if you don't mean it, you say it's fine, 0:03:59.000 --> 0:04:01.600 I forgive you, I forgive you for everything that you've done. 0:04:01.640 --> 0:04:03.440 I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you, and 0:04:03.520 --> 0:04:05.760 saying sorry often when we don't mean it too. I 0:04:05.760 --> 0:04:08.680 don't think a forgiveness can ever be commanded or demanded. 0:04:08.760 --> 0:04:10.800 It has to be an act that is sacred, and 0:04:10.840 --> 0:04:13.200 it has to come from a place of a free heart, 0:04:13.520 --> 0:04:18.120 someone choosing to forgive someone without persuasion, without duty, and 0:04:18.160 --> 0:04:21.680 the moment forgiveness is demanded, it ends up not being pure. 0:04:21.800 --> 0:04:27.120 It becomes performative, and it becomes something that actually doesn't 0:04:27.160 --> 0:04:30.800 impact that person forgiving or the person being forgiven in 0:04:30.839 --> 0:04:32.719 the same way. And you know what, there might actually 0:04:32.720 --> 0:04:36.480 be circumstances where people feel forgiveness actually is not the 0:04:36.520 --> 0:04:39.000 path that they feel is right for them. Whether it's 0:04:39.160 --> 0:04:42.400 a person that's been through sexual abuse, they feel more 0:04:42.440 --> 0:04:46.200 empowered when they give themselves permission not to forgive. They 0:04:46.279 --> 0:04:49.160 might come to terms with the situation, but they don't 0:04:49.160 --> 0:04:51.880 want to forgive that person. And I think every single 0:04:51.920 --> 0:04:54.040 person has a right to decide whether or not they 0:04:54.160 --> 0:04:57.360 forgive another person, it should not be unexpected from anyone. 0:04:57.440 --> 0:05:00.599 There are so many beautiful examples of people who have 0:05:00.720 --> 0:05:05.720 forgiven others for horrendous crimes, whether it's shootings or killing 0:05:05.800 --> 0:05:08.040 their child. They've seen so many things in the news 0:05:08.080 --> 0:05:10.200 and read all these books where it talks about these 0:05:10.200 --> 0:05:14.600 stories of horrendous things happening and people forgiving the person 0:05:14.640 --> 0:05:18.440 on death row for that crime, or sharing forgiveness with 0:05:18.520 --> 0:05:22.200 someone who is really repenting for what they've done, and ultimately, 0:05:22.279 --> 0:05:24.720 forgiveness gives someone peace or healing. 0:05:25.200 --> 0:05:27.520 There can be no action too severe for forgiveness. 0:05:27.600 --> 0:05:30.080 If for you it brings peace in your heart, and 0:05:30.120 --> 0:05:34.200 if for you it brings clarity and a path forward, 0:05:34.720 --> 0:05:37.200 then you should never feel like there is anything too 0:05:37.240 --> 0:05:40.279 big that's too difficult to forgive if you feel you 0:05:40.320 --> 0:05:43.680 can get something more positive from doing so. There's this 0:05:43.800 --> 0:05:46.279 author who wrote a whole book on forgiveness, and he 0:05:46.360 --> 0:05:48.840 talks about why people resist forgiveness. He said, most people 0:05:48.880 --> 0:05:51.960 choose not to forgive because I'm gonna makes us feel powerful. 0:05:52.400 --> 0:05:56.000 Resentment ends up feeling like protection, like a boundary between 0:05:56.040 --> 0:05:58.839 you and the person. But he pointed out that you 0:05:58.880 --> 0:06:00.440 do not need to hold resentment and to keep a 0:06:00.520 --> 0:06:03.760 boundary and letting go is not losing control in that situation. 0:06:03.880 --> 0:06:05.640 Either. Someone to share a story with you. 0:06:05.720 --> 0:06:08.000 I have a friend who has been through sexual abuse, 0:06:08.040 --> 0:06:10.919 and I remember her saying to me that forgiving the 0:06:11.000 --> 0:06:14.000 person was the biggest act of self love and the 0:06:14.120 --> 0:06:17.800 greatest gift that she could have ever given herself. She 0:06:17.839 --> 0:06:21.480 said that when she went through years of working through anger, 0:06:21.839 --> 0:06:24.520 she realized that it was actually a cover for the 0:06:24.560 --> 0:06:27.040 deeper emotions that she was feeling. She was feeling guilty, 0:06:27.160 --> 0:06:29.599 she was feeling embarrassed that that had happened to her. 0:06:29.880 --> 0:06:32.719 There were so many other emotions that were coming up 0:06:33.279 --> 0:06:35.760 for her, and anger was just the way for her 0:06:35.880 --> 0:06:37.280 to express it. 0:06:37.279 --> 0:06:39.080 It was easier way to express it. 0:06:39.720 --> 0:06:42.080 And I've heard this so many times, and I've really 0:06:42.080 --> 0:06:45.080 started noticing in my life anger is always a secondary emotion. 0:06:45.640 --> 0:06:48.159 You don't often just feel angry. If you're angry that 0:06:48.200 --> 0:06:51.479 someone's done something to your friend, you feel her, you 0:06:51.560 --> 0:06:54.560 feel betrayal, you feel all these different things and all 0:06:54.560 --> 0:06:57.760 these different emotions, But usually anger comes from a deeper 0:06:57.800 --> 0:07:00.320 seated emotion or a deeper seated place in your heart. 0:07:00.600 --> 0:07:02.839 And I thought that was so powerful what she said 0:07:03.320 --> 0:07:06.400 that she saw forgiving someone as an act of self 0:07:06.400 --> 0:07:08.400 love for herself, and she said the anger was just 0:07:08.520 --> 0:07:12.120 eating her up inside. And I think that's what anger does, 0:07:12.200 --> 0:07:17.000 you know. I shared this post about how different emotions 0:07:17.000 --> 0:07:19.480 show up in the body, and so many people responded 0:07:19.520 --> 0:07:23.160 saying they've experienced that in themselves. The anger, you just 0:07:23.200 --> 0:07:25.960 feel it eating up the inside of your body, like 0:07:26.120 --> 0:07:29.200 it's just so difficult to process anger. It's such an 0:07:29.280 --> 0:07:34.080 undigestible emotion. And it's so interesting because in our Vader 0:07:34.120 --> 0:07:36.880 it says that anger it gives headaches and the head 0:07:36.960 --> 0:07:39.840 and it creates acid reflux and so much heat in 0:07:39.880 --> 0:07:43.600 the body. And so actually, all these emotions they don't 0:07:43.720 --> 0:07:47.200 just live in our subconscious or in you know, this 0:07:47.320 --> 0:07:51.400 imaginary world. They actually manifest in our physical body too. 0:07:51.840 --> 0:07:55.080 And so when you're thinking about letting go and forgiving, 0:07:55.560 --> 0:07:58.640 it really is such a youthing. And I know people 0:07:58.640 --> 0:08:01.000 say that it's a forgiveness is do it for yourself. 0:08:01.040 --> 0:08:03.280 It's not about the other person. But you really have 0:08:03.360 --> 0:08:06.440 to believe that to start that process, especially when something 0:08:06.520 --> 0:08:09.440 really difficult has happened to you, because forgiveness can end 0:08:09.520 --> 0:08:12.400 up feeling like you are letting go of the situation 0:08:12.600 --> 0:08:15.200 or it's acceptable what that person's done to you. But 0:08:15.640 --> 0:08:18.520 one thing that can help is trying to reframe that. 0:08:18.640 --> 0:08:21.040 But forgiveness is for me. Forgiveness is a self love 0:08:21.040 --> 0:08:23.280 practice that I'm doing for me. It has nothing to 0:08:23.320 --> 0:08:25.200 do with the other person. It's about how it's affecting 0:08:25.200 --> 0:08:29.880 my physical body, my mental state, my relationships, the way 0:08:29.920 --> 0:08:32.640 I move through life. And so a big part of 0:08:32.679 --> 0:08:35.600 this is rewiring how you see forgiveness and what forgiveness 0:08:35.600 --> 0:08:38.360 is linked to in your mind. Forgiveness is untying the 0:08:38.480 --> 0:08:41.559 knot still binding you to that person. It's basically cutting 0:08:41.640 --> 0:08:43.439 the tie. And if you think about it, when you 0:08:43.480 --> 0:08:45.800 don't forgive someone, that means you're still kind of holding 0:08:45.840 --> 0:08:48.360 them in your body or your heart or your mind 0:08:48.400 --> 0:08:50.920 in some way, which means we end up saying emotionally 0:08:50.960 --> 0:08:53.800 bound to these people. So something that you probably want 0:08:53.840 --> 0:08:57.880 to release, let go of in your mind and not 0:08:57.920 --> 0:09:02.800 associate with. Unfortunately, anger and the lack of forgiveness ends 0:09:02.920 --> 0:09:05.200 up keeping you tied to that person. It creates these 0:09:05.240 --> 0:09:08.320 invisible ties that you're finding really difficult to cut. Sexual 0:09:08.360 --> 0:09:11.800 abuse is one of the hardest circumstances someone would go 0:09:11.880 --> 0:09:15.440 through as a human And even though she absolutely had 0:09:15.480 --> 0:09:18.160 the right to hold onto the anger, even though she 0:09:18.200 --> 0:09:21.680 would be fully justified, absolutely fully justified in doing that, 0:09:21.800 --> 0:09:23.920 she chose not to. She chose not to carry that 0:09:23.960 --> 0:09:26.320 weight with her, not to experience the rest of her 0:09:26.320 --> 0:09:28.720 life through the filter of that pain of the anger, 0:09:29.320 --> 0:09:31.240 and not to let that experience or that person have 0:09:31.400 --> 0:09:34.920 any more control over her. So, actually, forgiveness and letting 0:09:34.960 --> 0:09:37.680 go for her was taking away the power from that 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:40.599 person that her. He's already taken away so much, he 0:09:40.640 --> 0:09:42.160 doesn't get to have the rest of my life. And 0:09:42.160 --> 0:09:44.560 I remember her saying that to me, and I was like, wow, 0:09:45.520 --> 0:09:48.400 it's so true. This person has taken away a year 0:09:48.800 --> 0:09:51.760 of two years, three years of your life. But am 0:09:51.760 --> 0:09:53.520 I going to let this person dictake the rest of 0:09:53.520 --> 0:09:55.199 my life. I'm going to keep this person in my 0:09:55.320 --> 0:09:58.200 mind for the rest of my life, this point of pain, 0:09:58.320 --> 0:10:00.640 this point of destruction in my life. I'm going to 0:10:00.760 --> 0:10:03.760 let it continue throughout my life. And that was a 0:10:03.840 --> 0:10:05.839 choice that she decided to make. She did not want 0:10:05.880 --> 0:10:08.440 to continue that in her life, and so, of course 0:10:08.480 --> 0:10:10.640 it took a lot of work, which I'm going to 0:10:10.679 --> 0:10:13.360 go into later. What it actually takes to forgive someone 0:10:13.400 --> 0:10:17.760 in this type of situation, but the work was worth 0:10:17.800 --> 0:10:20.600 it for her, it really was. And she feels like 0:10:20.640 --> 0:10:22.880 she's just changed the trajectory of her life. And I've 0:10:22.880 --> 0:10:24.839 seen it with my own eyes, and she really has. 0:10:24.880 --> 0:10:27.000 And it's so beautiful to see. You know, where we 0:10:27.040 --> 0:10:28.800 decide to forgive and where we don't, whether it's in 0:10:28.800 --> 0:10:31.000 the smaller things every single day, or whether it's in 0:10:31.000 --> 0:10:33.520 these big ways, it really determines how we see and 0:10:33.600 --> 0:10:36.760 speak about the past and how we move into our future. 0:10:37.000 --> 0:10:39.880 Another really incredible example of forgiveness that I experienced was 0:10:39.920 --> 0:10:42.480 when I went to Rwanda a couple of years ago. 0:10:43.160 --> 0:10:45.800 And for anyone who doesn't know, there was a genocide 0:10:45.800 --> 0:10:48.160 that happened in Rwanda literally not long ago. I think 0:10:48.160 --> 0:10:51.679 it ended in like nineteen ninety four. That generation still 0:10:51.720 --> 0:10:54.400 exists there. It's not even an older generation. It is 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:59.200 a young generation that has experienced their parents being killed, 0:10:59.280 --> 0:11:02.000 their families being killed, and. 0:11:01.440 --> 0:11:03.240 In very, very brutal ways. 0:11:03.360 --> 0:11:06.760 I went to the museum there and it was so 0:11:07.040 --> 0:11:09.840 overwhelming to see the amount of people that died, but 0:11:09.960 --> 0:11:14.800 also how aggressive and intense it was. And it is 0:11:15.600 --> 0:11:19.280 beyond imagination to be honest, it was incredible to see 0:11:19.320 --> 0:11:23.560 and hear from people who had their neighbors killing their parents, 0:11:23.960 --> 0:11:27.680 and how they've chosen to forgive, How this next generation 0:11:27.840 --> 0:11:32.160 that has come has chosen to build, rebuild community, to 0:11:32.679 --> 0:11:36.240 have compassion for each other, to forgive for the most 0:11:36.320 --> 0:11:41.400 unthinkable things, for the benefit of society, for the benefit 0:11:41.440 --> 0:11:44.000 of their community, for the benefit of their children, and 0:11:44.080 --> 0:11:45.400 to perpetuate. 0:11:44.840 --> 0:11:45.559 Love and not hate. 0:11:45.880 --> 0:11:50.360 And that was bizarre sy something that I've never experienced before, 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:52.520 and I don't think has really happened in the world before, 0:11:53.200 --> 0:11:57.880 where this community had chosen to not let that anger, 0:11:57.920 --> 0:12:02.360 that aggression that happened in that moment in time dictate 0:12:02.440 --> 0:12:05.160 how they connect to people after. There were two tribes 0:12:05.200 --> 0:12:09.200 who lived there, and the Tutsi tribe, they went through 0:12:09.240 --> 0:12:13.680 a complete genocide. Over one million lives were lost, one 0:12:13.720 --> 0:12:16.360 million in that short period of time. So it was 0:12:16.400 --> 0:12:19.880 really fascinating experiencing that in the community and hearing people 0:12:19.920 --> 0:12:22.360 talk about that, because obviously that's something that we all 0:12:22.400 --> 0:12:24.640 struggle with in the world at the moment, there's so 0:12:24.640 --> 0:12:28.120 many things happening, But to see this level of forgiveness 0:12:28.160 --> 0:12:30.360 within such a short period of time, since it ended 0:12:30.360 --> 0:12:34.320 in nineteen ninety four. It was incredibly beautiful to see 0:12:34.320 --> 0:12:37.280 and so touching to hear the stories of people who 0:12:37.600 --> 0:12:42.280 reconciled and created harmony and community after that. So when 0:12:42.280 --> 0:12:45.680 I was reading about forgiveness, I read about different stages 0:12:45.679 --> 0:12:48.760 of forgiveness, and this, honestly, what I'm about to share, 0:12:48.840 --> 0:12:52.000 felt like the most useful and impactful process. I kind 0:12:52.040 --> 0:12:55.400 of took from all these different processes and these different 0:12:55.400 --> 0:12:58.800 stages that people recommended, and I created these four stages 0:12:58.800 --> 0:13:00.600 that I think forgiveness really fits into. 0:13:01.360 --> 0:13:04.080 So the first stage is hate, and. 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:06.800 I think sometimes the trigger for many people when they 0:13:06.800 --> 0:13:10.000 hear forgiveness is that it implies you can't carry the hate, 0:13:10.200 --> 0:13:12.400 that it leaves no room for the hate that you're feeling, 0:13:12.480 --> 0:13:15.120 the negative emotions that you're feeling. It's like when you 0:13:15.160 --> 0:13:17.520 think when you start forgiveness or you're saying that you're 0:13:17.520 --> 0:13:21.000 about you're forgiving someone, the negative emotions just have to disappear, 0:13:21.040 --> 0:13:23.520 and that's not realistic. So I actually think hate is 0:13:23.640 --> 0:13:27.040 the first stage of forgiveness because it's important and it's 0:13:27.080 --> 0:13:30.640 even a necessary stage forgiveness. In order to actually forgive, 0:13:30.640 --> 0:13:32.440 I think you have to give yourself time to have 0:13:32.520 --> 0:13:36.920 an intense and passionate reaction to the person and what's happened. 0:13:37.200 --> 0:13:39.040 You have to let your mind run with the thoughts 0:13:39.040 --> 0:13:41.880 and let your heart run with the feelings. And more 0:13:41.880 --> 0:13:45.480 often than not, this looks and feels like anger. So 0:13:45.679 --> 0:13:49.000 I think giving yourself space and not pushing yourself out 0:13:49.040 --> 0:13:52.800 of these negative and inverted comments because I don't think 0:13:52.800 --> 0:13:56.760 the negative emotions, these extreme emotions that you're feeling, allow 0:13:56.840 --> 0:13:59.600 them to be extreme. Allow your mind to like think 0:13:59.600 --> 0:14:03.959 of every situation, every thought, every opinion that you have, 0:14:04.080 --> 0:14:06.360 every single thing that's going through your mind that feels aggressive, 0:14:06.400 --> 0:14:09.000 that feels angry, Give yourself the space and time to 0:14:09.040 --> 0:14:10.680 feel it, because if you don't feel it, it will 0:14:10.679 --> 0:14:13.880 sit in you, or it will bury itself beneath somewhere 0:14:14.120 --> 0:14:17.760 in your body. And it's better to just experience it 0:14:17.880 --> 0:14:21.040 now as you're feeling it, go through the emotions. Not 0:14:21.080 --> 0:14:23.800 acknowledging this and suppressing it can actually just set deeper 0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:27.000 into your subconscious and then it comes out in ways 0:14:27.000 --> 0:14:28.880 that you won't even expect five years down the line, 0:14:28.880 --> 0:14:32.280 ten years down the line. So I think, without experiencing 0:14:32.360 --> 0:14:36.440 these emotions of anger and whatever else you're feeling, it's 0:14:36.480 --> 0:14:40.800 impossible to genuinely forgive someone because then those feelings are 0:14:40.800 --> 0:14:43.120 just hiding somewhere and they're waiting to come out, and 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:46.160 they'll come out the worst time possible, probably in the future. 0:14:46.680 --> 0:14:49.920 And so really allowing yourself to write it out, to 0:14:50.080 --> 0:14:53.760 explore it. Sometimes you won't even understand it. Understanding may 0:14:53.800 --> 0:14:56.080 not be part of this stage. Actually, I think it's 0:14:56.320 --> 0:15:00.200 just experiencing, experiencing the utmost anger that you are feel 0:15:00.400 --> 0:15:03.680 and allow it to flow through you. Stage two is hurt. 0:15:04.280 --> 0:15:06.840 Anger is easier than pain. Like I said before, feeling 0:15:06.840 --> 0:15:09.960 angry often feel safer than feeling deep pain. It's actually 0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:12.360 an act of courage to feel the deep, deep hurt. 0:15:12.720 --> 0:15:14.800 And I think that's actually where people stop because feeling 0:15:14.840 --> 0:15:17.720 the pain too deeply is just too painful. Like it's 0:15:17.760 --> 0:15:21.120 so hard feeling her. There's one thing about anger, and 0:15:21.160 --> 0:15:22.880 the thing is if you stay in anger for too long, 0:15:22.920 --> 0:15:25.040 it can become bitterness. And the bitterness just becomes a 0:15:25.040 --> 0:15:28.000 way of living, the filter through what you see life 0:15:28.080 --> 0:15:32.000 and experience life through. But her, to her really requires 0:15:32.000 --> 0:15:34.720 you to open your heart out to actually allow your 0:15:34.760 --> 0:15:38.880 heart to break, and that takes so much vulnerability, so 0:15:39.040 --> 0:15:41.880 much work. My friend who says she was able to 0:15:41.920 --> 0:15:44.400 forgive that I mentioned earlier. She said that feeling the 0:15:44.480 --> 0:15:48.280 pain and unraveling it was the most emotionally painful and 0:15:48.320 --> 0:15:51.560 physically draining time in her whole entire life. And trust me, 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:54.560 this girl has been through a lot. I have another 0:15:54.600 --> 0:15:58.080 friend who had a physically abusive father from a young age, 0:15:58.160 --> 0:16:00.800 and to this day I can see and feel her 0:16:00.880 --> 0:16:02.920 anger through the way that she lives life. She's found 0:16:02.920 --> 0:16:05.520 it so difficult to let go of things as much 0:16:05.520 --> 0:16:09.040 as she wants to. She's struggling and the reaction she 0:16:09.120 --> 0:16:11.400 has to things, even the way that she responds when 0:16:11.440 --> 0:16:14.360 her dad's name is mentioned. She's been trapped in her 0:16:14.400 --> 0:16:17.200 hatred for so long, for so many years. Whenever I 0:16:17.200 --> 0:16:19.160 ask her if she feels like talking about it or 0:16:19.160 --> 0:16:21.960 if she has ever tried to, she says, I don't 0:16:21.960 --> 0:16:23.640 think I can go back there. I don't think I 0:16:23.640 --> 0:16:26.000 can talk about it or work through it because it 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:29.040 will literally break me. I don't think I can experience 0:16:29.080 --> 0:16:30.840 that again. I don't think I can go through the pain. 0:16:31.160 --> 0:16:35.080 And so her fear of heartbreak and feeling those feelings 0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:37.560 of upset is more scary to her than living through 0:16:37.920 --> 0:16:40.640 this bitterness or the anger that she's living her life through. 0:16:41.360 --> 0:16:44.400 But unfortunately, I think it's only when you allow your 0:16:44.440 --> 0:16:46.800 heart to break in that way that you can pass 0:16:46.960 --> 0:16:49.960 to the third stage of forgiveness, which is understanding. So 0:16:50.040 --> 0:16:52.360 the first part is really about feeling a lot, which 0:16:52.400 --> 0:16:54.840 can be hard. It can be the most draining thing 0:16:55.160 --> 0:16:58.520 to go through. The emotions anger, her pain, all the 0:16:58.560 --> 0:17:01.280 hardest emotions to go through. But then that can bring 0:17:01.320 --> 0:17:04.600 you to the stage hopefully of understanding meaning making making 0:17:04.720 --> 0:17:07.399 meaning of what's happened in some way, not excusing it 0:17:07.560 --> 0:17:11.119 or justifying it or minimizing it, but really understanding and 0:17:11.119 --> 0:17:13.800 what happened to you, how it shaped you, what it's 0:17:13.840 --> 0:17:17.760 affecting and impacting in your life. Basically exploring what has 0:17:17.840 --> 0:17:21.359 this incident, what ripple effect has it created in my life? 0:17:21.600 --> 0:17:24.520 What other ripples in my relationships and my work, in 0:17:25.040 --> 0:17:28.040 my mindset, in my fear on a day to day basis, 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:34.000 what exactly, every single day has this one incident impacted 0:17:34.000 --> 0:17:36.919 throughout my life? What rippuls has it created? And so 0:17:37.520 --> 0:17:39.399 this is really the stage where you stop and you 0:17:39.440 --> 0:17:43.280 ask why did this person do this or why did. 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:43.840 This happen to me? 0:17:44.160 --> 0:17:47.840 And you can have all the most bizarre responses to it. 0:17:47.960 --> 0:17:50.240 I can't even imagine what would go through someone's mind 0:17:50.240 --> 0:17:53.920 who's been through something like that. But ask yourself, why 0:17:53.920 --> 0:17:56.200 did they do this? I'm really trying to think about 0:17:56.240 --> 0:17:59.000 the person, and it could be just that they're bad 0:17:59.040 --> 0:18:01.840 people and not nice people, and that they don't respect 0:18:01.960 --> 0:18:04.679 human life and that they don't respect women or whatever 0:18:04.720 --> 0:18:08.600 it is. But trying to find in your mind coming 0:18:08.640 --> 0:18:12.400 to a conclusion of why that person from in their 0:18:12.440 --> 0:18:15.800 own mind might have done that, and then asking what 0:18:15.880 --> 0:18:18.040 did it do to me? What impact did this have 0:18:18.160 --> 0:18:20.720 on me? And so you're really naming the losses that 0:18:20.760 --> 0:18:23.480 you felt in life from going through that and identifying 0:18:23.520 --> 0:18:26.639 what was taken, whether it's safety, innocence, trust, voice, time, 0:18:27.359 --> 0:18:30.159 really seeing how the trauma shaped your patterns, your reactions, 0:18:30.160 --> 0:18:35.159 your relationships. But remembering that understanding does not mean understanding 0:18:35.280 --> 0:18:38.760 the person that hurt you or makes sense of what's happened. 0:18:39.160 --> 0:18:41.760 It just makes you less confused by your own life. 0:18:42.160 --> 0:18:44.560 You create meaning to it in your own way doesn't 0:18:44.560 --> 0:18:47.240 mean that that's the reality of it. But you're able 0:18:47.320 --> 0:18:49.840 to come to terms with it and come face to 0:18:49.880 --> 0:18:53.040 face with it and find some sort of understanding that 0:18:53.160 --> 0:18:54.840 helps you move on. As long as it helps you 0:18:54.880 --> 0:18:57.840 move on, it's good. If you're finding that it's actually 0:18:58.200 --> 0:19:00.600 taking you backwards or going through through that is a 0:19:00.600 --> 0:19:02.600 bit too painful, maybe you're not ready for this staga, 0:19:03.119 --> 0:19:06.639 or maybe you're maybe trying to unpack it and unravel it. 0:19:06.720 --> 0:19:08.760 Isn't what's good for you and isn't what makes you 0:19:08.800 --> 0:19:11.439 feel better about the situation. One thing's for sure that 0:19:11.480 --> 0:19:14.480 the more you understand yourself, the less control you'll feel 0:19:14.560 --> 0:19:18.320 others have over you. And so understanding how you feel 0:19:18.359 --> 0:19:21.800 about this situation is a key part to this that 0:19:21.840 --> 0:19:24.719 can come from journaling therapy. There are so many amazing 0:19:24.760 --> 0:19:28.119 therapists now that focus on different types of trauma and 0:19:28.160 --> 0:19:30.120 so really going to someone who can help you through 0:19:30.160 --> 0:19:34.120 specifically what you've gone through or the issues that you're 0:19:34.160 --> 0:19:37.879 having somatic work. I've just seen so much healing happen 0:19:37.920 --> 0:19:40.560 from that, especially if you're finding it difficult to tap 0:19:40.600 --> 0:19:43.480 into your emotions. Sometimes we want to go there when 0:19:43.480 --> 0:19:45.600 we really want to get to the root of things, 0:19:45.640 --> 0:19:48.080 but we've got so many blockages, a lot of them 0:19:48.080 --> 0:19:50.480 being protection. Our body protects us, our mind protects us 0:19:50.480 --> 0:19:53.400 from going to places that are too difficult. I've had 0:19:53.440 --> 0:19:55.480 so many stories of people. I actually had someone on 0:19:55.480 --> 0:19:58.560 my podcast, Gabby Bernstey, and she came on the podcast 0:19:58.600 --> 0:20:00.800 and she said that she had realize that she'd gone 0:20:00.800 --> 0:20:04.000 through sexual abuse until way later in her life. I 0:20:04.040 --> 0:20:06.680