Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of
Speaker 1: A Really Good Cry. I hope you've had such a wonderful,
Speaker 1: wonderful week. So I recently shared a video of me
Speaker 1: speaking on a podcast about forgiveness. The essence of it
Speaker 1: was that you don't always have to tell the person
Speaker 1: who hurt you that they hurt you, and where you
Speaker 1: get relief from in those situations is not usually where
Speaker 1: the pain came from. Really and truly, it was talking
Speaker 1: about forgiveness being a one person process, not a two
Speaker 1: person process. That you can forgive someone without honestly them
Speaker 1: even knowing that they've hurt you, and sometimes without having
Speaker 1: to have a conversation about it. Now, it was really
Speaker 1: amazing because it sparked up so much great conversation in
Speaker 1: the comments, and I read all of those read the comments,
Speaker 1: and there was so many people saying, no, you absolutely
Speaker 1: have to tell the person when they've hurt you, like
Speaker 1: if you don't tell them then things can't change, And
Speaker 1: there was a lot of debate on that, to be honest,
Speaker 1: So there are some people who could really relate to
Speaker 1: what I was saying, and other people who are really
Speaker 1: enraged by it, and honestly, I could see and understand why,
Speaker 1: because for some people, when something really different has happened,
Speaker 1: telling the person feels like it is part of the
Speaker 1: process of getting over it, of letting go of it,
Speaker 1: of maybe forgiving them. So I think it's really dependent
Speaker 1: on the situation. I think when I was speaking about it,
Speaker 1: I meant in certain situations, when you know saying something
Speaker 1: actually isn't going to make any difference to the other
Speaker 1: person and then are going to change their ways, that's
Speaker 1: when you have to decide it is a one person process,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to let go of this. I'm going
Speaker 1: to forgive that person, not for them, but for me,
Speaker 1: because sometimes we don't want to face that person, sometimes
Speaker 1: that person is no longer here to even tell them,
Speaker 1: and sometimes even communicating with that person, even if it's
Speaker 1: to tell them about the pain they've caused, feels like
Speaker 1: we're crossing a boundary that we don't want to and
Speaker 1: feels like we're giving them the power bag. So, in
Speaker 1: all honesty, when I think about forgiveness, I think that
Speaker 1: there's two kinds. There's forgiveness with these traumas with the
Speaker 1: little tea, and by that I mean the day to
Speaker 1: day issues that we go through. There's smaller pains, the discomforts,
Speaker 1: the disagreements, the ones we go through regularly as humans.
Speaker 1: But then they're the big T trauma forgiveness, and that
Speaker 1: kind of forgiveness requires a lot from the person, and
Speaker 1: that's things like abuse, murder, and all the things in between. Now,
Speaker 1: I can't say that I've been through any of those
Speaker 1: big T traumas, so any advice that I would try
Speaker 1: to give you on it, it wouldn't feel right for
Speaker 1: me to give advice on that. So I actually took
Speaker 1: from conversations that I've had with friends, with people that
Speaker 1: have spoken and open up to me about the big
Speaker 1: T traumas that they've been through and how they have
Speaker 1: reacted to forgiveness, how they have reacted in those situations.
Speaker 1: I've had friends and family that have sadly been through
Speaker 1: quite a lot of big T traumas, and I wanted
Speaker 1: to share some of their stories and hopes that it
Speaker 1: brings clarity to your process and your journey in forgiveness
Speaker 1: and sheds light on what can come from forgiven, even
Speaker 1: if it feels out of reach right now, even if
Speaker 1: forgiveness isn't a word you want in your vocabulary I
Speaker 1: completely understand, but I hope that this episode helps you
Speaker 1: to start on that journey, not for anybody else, but
Speaker 1: for yourself. So when I was writing this, I looked
Speaker 1: up definitions of forgiveness, and I really love this on
Speaker 1: the most. It said forgiveness is the intentional, voluntary, being
Speaker 1: important process of releasing deep seated feelings of resentment, anger,
Speaker 1: and vengeance towards someone who has caused harm, regardless of
Speaker 1: whether they deserve it, Facilitating personal healing and mental peace.
Speaker 1: I think the key words for me here are voluntary
Speaker 1: and personal healing and mental peace. When I was reading
Speaker 1: articles online, I think that the thing that stuck out
Speaker 1: to me the most was just how suffocating this idea
Speaker 1: of forgiveness can be for people who've been through really
Speaker 1: difficult times, this feeling of duty of society expecting you
Speaker 1: to forgive, because it makes people feel really uncomfortable if
Speaker 1: someone has a lot of anger. It makes people feel
Speaker 1: really uncomfortable if someone isn't on the path of forgiveness,
Speaker 1: if they have decided no, I actually want to hold
Speaker 1: this in me, and I'm choosing to keep this anger
Speaker 1: in me because it feels protective, that feels uncomfortable to
Speaker 1: people because you're used to being in a society where,
Speaker 1: even if you don't mean it, you say it's fine,
Speaker 1: I forgive you, I forgive you for everything that you've done.
Speaker 1: I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you, and
Speaker 1: saying sorry often when we don't mean it too. I
Speaker 1: don't think a forgiveness can ever be commanded or demanded.
Speaker 1: It has to be an act that is sacred, and
Speaker 1: it has to come from a place of a free heart,
Speaker 1: someone choosing to forgive someone without persuasion, without duty, and
Speaker 1: the moment forgiveness is demanded, it ends up not being pure.
Speaker 1: It becomes performative, and it becomes something that actually doesn't
Speaker 1: impact that person forgiving or the person being forgiven in
Speaker 1: the same way. And you know what, there might actually
Speaker 1: be circumstances where people feel forgiveness actually is not the
Speaker 1: path that they feel is right for them. Whether it's
Speaker 1: a person that's been through sexual abuse, they feel more
Speaker 1: empowered when they give themselves permission not to forgive. They
Speaker 1: might come to terms with the situation, but they don't
Speaker 1: want to forgive that person. And I think every single
Speaker 1: person has a right to decide whether or not they
Speaker 1: forgive another person, it should not be unexpected from anyone.
Speaker 1: There are so many beautiful examples of people who have
Speaker 1: forgiven others for horrendous crimes, whether it's shootings or killing
Speaker 1: their child. They've seen so many things in the news
Speaker 1: and read all these books where it talks about these
Speaker 1: stories of horrendous things happening and people forgiving the person
Speaker 1: on death row for that crime, or sharing forgiveness with
Speaker 1: someone who is really repenting for what they've done, and ultimately,
Speaker 1: forgiveness gives someone peace or healing.
Speaker 2: There can be no action too severe for forgiveness.
Speaker 1: If for you it brings peace in your heart, and
Speaker 1: if for you it brings clarity and a path forward,
Speaker 1: then you should never feel like there is anything too
Speaker 1: big that's too difficult to forgive if you feel you
Speaker 1: can get something more positive from doing so. There's this
Speaker 1: author who wrote a whole book on forgiveness, and he
Speaker 1: talks about why people resist forgiveness. He said, most people
Speaker 1: choose not to forgive because I'm gonna makes us feel powerful.
Speaker 1: Resentment ends up feeling like protection, like a boundary between
Speaker 1: you and the person. But he pointed out that you
Speaker 1: do not need to hold resentment and to keep a
Speaker 1: boundary and letting go is not losing control in that situation.
Speaker 2: Either. Someone to share a story with you.
Speaker 1: I have a friend who has been through sexual abuse,
Speaker 1: and I remember her saying to me that forgiving the
Speaker 1: person was the biggest act of self love and the
Speaker 1: greatest gift that she could have ever given herself. She
Speaker 1: said that when she went through years of working through anger,
Speaker 1: she realized that it was actually a cover for the
Speaker 1: deeper emotions that she was feeling. She was feeling guilty,
Speaker 1: she was feeling embarrassed that that had happened to her.
Speaker 1: There were so many other emotions that were coming up
Speaker 1: for her, and anger was just the way for her
Speaker 1: to express it.
Speaker 2: It was easier way to express it.
Speaker 1: And I've heard this so many times, and I've really
Speaker 1: started noticing in my life anger is always a secondary emotion.
Speaker 1: You don't often just feel angry. If you're angry that
Speaker 1: someone's done something to your friend, you feel her, you
Speaker 1: feel betrayal, you feel all these different things and all
Speaker 1: these different emotions, But usually anger comes from a deeper
Speaker 1: seated emotion or a deeper seated place in your heart.
Speaker 1: And I thought that was so powerful what she said
Speaker 1: that she saw forgiving someone as an act of self
Speaker 1: love for herself, and she said the anger was just
Speaker 1: eating her up inside. And I think that's what anger does,
Speaker 1: you know. I shared this post about how different emotions
Speaker 1: show up in the body, and so many people responded
Speaker 1: saying they've experienced that in themselves. The anger, you just
Speaker 1: feel it eating up the inside of your body, like
Speaker 1: it's just so difficult to process anger. It's such an
Speaker 1: undigestible emotion. And it's so interesting because in our Vader
Speaker 1: it says that anger it gives headaches and the head
Speaker 1: and it creates acid reflux and so much heat in
Speaker 1: the body. And so actually, all these emotions they don't
Speaker 1: just live in our subconscious or in you know, this
Speaker 1: imaginary world. They actually manifest in our physical body too.
Speaker 1: And so when you're thinking about letting go and forgiving,
Speaker 1: it really is such a youthing. And I know people
Speaker 1: say that it's a forgiveness is do it for yourself.
Speaker 1: It's not about the other person. But you really have
Speaker 1: to believe that to start that process, especially when something
Speaker 1: really difficult has happened to you, because forgiveness can end
Speaker 1: up feeling like you are letting go of the situation
Speaker 1: or it's acceptable what that person's done to you. But
Speaker 1: one thing that can help is trying to reframe that.
Speaker 1: But forgiveness is for me. Forgiveness is a self love
Speaker 1: practice that I'm doing for me. It has nothing to
Speaker 1: do with the other person. It's about how it's affecting
Speaker 1: my physical body, my mental state, my relationships, the way
Speaker 1: I move through life. And so a big part of
Speaker 1: this is rewiring how you see forgiveness and what forgiveness
Speaker 1: is linked to in your mind. Forgiveness is untying the
Speaker 1: knot still binding you to that person. It's basically cutting
Speaker 1: the tie. And if you think about it, when you
Speaker 1: don't forgive someone, that means you're still kind of holding
Speaker 1: them in your body or your heart or your mind
Speaker 1: in some way, which means we end up saying emotionally
Speaker 1: bound to these people. So something that you probably want
Speaker 1: to release, let go of in your mind and not
Speaker 1: associate with. Unfortunately, anger and the lack of forgiveness ends
Speaker 1: up keeping you tied to that person. It creates these
Speaker 1: invisible ties that you're finding really difficult to cut. Sexual
Speaker 1: abuse is one of the hardest circumstances someone would go
Speaker 1: through as a human And even though she absolutely had
Speaker 1: the right to hold onto the anger, even though she
Speaker 1: would be fully justified, absolutely fully justified in doing that,
Speaker 1: she chose not to. She chose not to carry that
Speaker 1: weight with her, not to experience the rest of her
Speaker 1: life through the filter of that pain of the anger,
Speaker 1: and not to let that experience or that person have
Speaker 1: any more control over her. So, actually, forgiveness and letting
Speaker 1: go for her was taking away the power from that
Speaker 1: person that her. He's already taken away so much, he
Speaker 1: doesn't get to have the rest of my life. And
Speaker 1: I remember her saying that to me, and I was like, wow,
Speaker 1: it's so true. This person has taken away a year
Speaker 1: of two years, three years of your life. But am
Speaker 1: I going to let this person dictake the rest of
Speaker 1: my life. I'm going to keep this person in my
Speaker 1: mind for the rest of my life, this point of pain,
Speaker 1: this point of destruction in my life. I'm going to
Speaker 1: let it continue throughout my life. And that was a
Speaker 1: choice that she decided to make. She did not want
Speaker 1: to continue that in her life, and so, of course
Speaker 1: it took a lot of work, which I'm going to
Speaker 1: go into later. What it actually takes to forgive someone
Speaker 1: in this type of situation, but the work was worth
Speaker 1: it for her, it really was. And she feels like
Speaker 1: she's just changed the trajectory of her life. And I've
Speaker 1: seen it with my own eyes, and she really has.
Speaker 1: And it's so beautiful to see. You know, where we
Speaker 1: decide to forgive and where we don't, whether it's in
Speaker 1: the smaller things every single day, or whether it's in
Speaker 1: these big ways, it really determines how we see and
Speaker 1: speak about the past and how we move into our future.
Speaker 1: Another really incredible example of forgiveness that I experienced was
Speaker 1: when I went to Rwanda a couple of years ago.
Speaker 1: And for anyone who doesn't know, there was a genocide
Speaker 1: that happened in Rwanda literally not long ago. I think
Speaker 1: it ended in like nineteen ninety four. That generation still
Speaker 1: exists there. It's not even an older generation. It is
Speaker 1: a young generation that has experienced their parents being killed,
Speaker 1: their families being killed, and.
Speaker 2: In very, very brutal ways.
Speaker 1: I went to the museum there and it was so
Speaker 1: overwhelming to see the amount of people that died, but
Speaker 1: also how aggressive and intense it was. And it is
Speaker 1: beyond imagination to be honest, it was incredible to see
Speaker 1: and hear from people who had their neighbors killing their parents,
Speaker 1: and how they've chosen to forgive, How this next generation
Speaker 1: that has come has chosen to build, rebuild community, to
Speaker 1: have compassion for each other, to forgive for the most
Speaker 1: unthinkable things, for the benefit of society, for the benefit
Speaker 1: of their community, for the benefit of their children, and
Speaker 1: to perpetuate.
Speaker 2: Love and not hate.
Speaker 1: And that was bizarre sy something that I've never experienced before,
Speaker 1: and I don't think has really happened in the world before,
Speaker 1: where this community had chosen to not let that anger,
Speaker 1: that aggression that happened in that moment in time dictate
Speaker 1: how they connect to people after. There were two tribes
Speaker 1: who lived there, and the Tutsi tribe, they went through
Speaker 1: a complete genocide. Over one million lives were lost, one
Speaker 1: million in that short period of time. So it was
Speaker 1: really fascinating experiencing that in the community and hearing people
Speaker 1: talk about that, because obviously that's something that we all
Speaker 1: struggle with in the world at the moment, there's so
Speaker 1: many things happening, But to see this level of forgiveness
Speaker 1: within such a short period of time, since it ended
Speaker 1: in nineteen ninety four. It was incredibly beautiful to see
Speaker 1: and so touching to hear the stories of people who
Speaker 1: reconciled and created harmony and community after that. So when
Speaker 1: I was reading about forgiveness, I read about different stages
Speaker 1: of forgiveness, and this, honestly, what I'm about to share,
Speaker 1: felt like the most useful and impactful process. I kind
Speaker 1: of took from all these different processes and these different
Speaker 1: stages that people recommended, and I created these four stages
Speaker 1: that I think forgiveness really fits into.
Speaker 2: So the first stage is hate, and.
Speaker 1: I think sometimes the trigger for many people when they
Speaker 1: hear forgiveness is that it implies you can't carry the hate,
Speaker 1: that it leaves no room for the hate that you're feeling,
Speaker 1: the negative emotions that you're feeling. It's like when you
Speaker 1: think when you start forgiveness or you're saying that you're
Speaker 1: about you're forgiving someone, the negative emotions just have to disappear,
Speaker 1: and that's not realistic. So I actually think hate is
Speaker 1: the first stage of forgiveness because it's important and it's
Speaker 1: even a necessary stage forgiveness. In order to actually forgive,
Speaker 1: I think you have to give yourself time to have
Speaker 1: an intense and passionate reaction to the person and what's happened.
Speaker 1: You have to let your mind run with the thoughts
Speaker 1: and let your heart run with the feelings. And more
Speaker 1: often than not, this looks and feels like anger. So
Speaker 1: I think giving yourself space and not pushing yourself out
Speaker 1: of these negative and inverted comments because I don't think
Speaker 1: the negative emotions, these extreme emotions that you're feeling, allow
Speaker 1: them to be extreme. Allow your mind to like think
Speaker 1: of every situation, every thought, every opinion that you have,
Speaker 1: every single thing that's going through your mind that feels aggressive,
Speaker 1: that feels angry, Give yourself the space and time to
Speaker 1: feel it, because if you don't feel it, it will
Speaker 1: sit in you, or it will bury itself beneath somewhere
Speaker 1: in your body. And it's better to just experience it
Speaker 1: now as you're feeling it, go through the emotions. Not
Speaker 1: acknowledging this and suppressing it can actually just set deeper
Speaker 1: into your subconscious and then it comes out in ways
Speaker 1: that you won't even expect five years down the line,
Speaker 1: ten years down the line. So I think, without experiencing
Speaker 1: these emotions of anger and whatever else you're feeling, it's
Speaker 1: impossible to genuinely forgive someone because then those feelings are
Speaker 1: just hiding somewhere and they're waiting to come out, and
Speaker 1: they'll come out the worst time possible, probably in the future.
Speaker 1: And so really allowing yourself to write it out, to
Speaker 1: explore it. Sometimes you won't even understand it. Understanding may
Speaker 1: not be part of this stage. Actually, I think it's
Speaker 1: just experiencing, experiencing the utmost anger that you are feel
Speaker 1: and allow it to flow through you. Stage two is hurt.
Speaker 1: Anger is easier than pain. Like I said before, feeling
Speaker 1: angry often feel safer than feeling deep pain. It's actually
Speaker 1: an act of courage to feel the deep, deep hurt.
Speaker 1: And I think that's actually where people stop because feeling
Speaker 1: the pain too deeply is just too painful. Like it's
Speaker 1: so hard feeling her. There's one thing about anger, and
Speaker 1: the thing is if you stay in anger for too long,
Speaker 1: it can become bitterness. And the bitterness just becomes a
Speaker 1: way of living, the filter through what you see life
Speaker 1: and experience life through. But her, to her really requires
Speaker 1: you to open your heart out to actually allow your
Speaker 1: heart to break, and that takes so much vulnerability, so
Speaker 1: much work. My friend who says she was able to
Speaker 1: forgive that I mentioned earlier. She said that feeling the
Speaker 1: pain and unraveling it was the most emotionally painful and
Speaker 1: physically draining time in her whole entire life. And trust me,
Speaker 1: this girl has been through a lot. I have another
Speaker 1: friend who had a physically abusive father from a young age,
Speaker 1: and to this day I can see and feel her
Speaker 1: anger through the way that she lives life. She's found
Speaker 1: it so difficult to let go of things as much
Speaker 1: as she wants to. She's struggling and the reaction she
Speaker 1: has to things, even the way that she responds when
Speaker 1: her dad's name is mentioned. She's been trapped in her
Speaker 1: hatred for so long, for so many years. Whenever I
Speaker 1: ask her if she feels like talking about it or
Speaker 1: if she has ever tried to, she says, I don't
Speaker 1: think I can go back there. I don't think I
Speaker 1: can talk about it or work through it because it
Speaker 1: will literally break me. I don't think I can experience
Speaker 1: that again. I don't think I can go through the pain.
Speaker 1: And so her fear of heartbreak and feeling those feelings
Speaker 1: of upset is more scary to her than living through
Speaker 1: this bitterness or the anger that she's living her life through.
Speaker 1: But unfortunately, I think it's only when you allow your
Speaker 1: heart to break in that way that you can pass
Speaker 1: to the third stage of forgiveness, which is understanding. So
Speaker 1: the first part is really about feeling a lot, which
Speaker 1: can be hard. It can be the most draining thing
Speaker 1: to go through. The emotions anger, her pain, all the
Speaker 1: hardest emotions to go through. But then that can bring
Speaker 1: you to the stage hopefully of understanding meaning making making
Speaker 1: meaning of what's happened in some way, not excusing it
Speaker 1: or justifying it or minimizing it, but really understanding and
Speaker 1: what happened to you, how it shaped you, what it's
Speaker 1: affecting and impacting in your life. Basically exploring what has
Speaker 1: this incident, what ripple effect has it created in my life?
Speaker 1: What other ripples in my relationships and my work, in
Speaker 1: my mindset, in my fear on a day to day basis,
Speaker 1: what exactly, every single day has this one incident impacted
Speaker 1: throughout my life? What rippuls has it created? And so
Speaker 1: this is really the stage where you stop and you
Speaker 1: ask why did this person do this or why did.
Speaker 2: This happen to me?
Speaker 1: And you can have all the most bizarre responses to it.
Speaker 1: I can't even imagine what would go through someone's mind
Speaker 1: who's been through something like that. But ask yourself, why
Speaker 1: did they do this? I'm really trying to think about
Speaker 1: the person, and it could be just that they're bad
Speaker 1: people and not nice people, and that they don't respect
Speaker 1: human life and that they don't respect women or whatever
Speaker 1: it is. But trying to find in your mind coming
Speaker 1: to a conclusion of why that person from in their
Speaker 1: own mind might have done that, and then asking what
Speaker 1: did it do to me? What impact did this have
Speaker 1: on me? And so you're really naming the losses that
Speaker 1: you felt in life from going through that and identifying
Speaker 1: what was taken, whether it's safety, innocence, trust, voice, time,
Speaker 1: really seeing how the trauma shaped your patterns, your reactions,
Speaker 1: your relationships. But remembering that understanding does not mean understanding
Speaker 1: the person that hurt you or makes sense of what's happened.
Speaker 1: It just makes you less confused by your own life.
Speaker 1: You create meaning to it in your own way doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that that's the reality of it. But you're able
Speaker 1: to come to terms with it and come face to
Speaker 1: face with it and find some sort of understanding that
Speaker 1: helps you move on. As long as it helps you
Speaker 1: move on, it's good. If you're finding that it's actually
Speaker 1: taking you backwards or going through through that is a
Speaker 1: bit too painful, maybe you're not ready for this staga,
Speaker 1: or maybe you're maybe trying to unpack it and unravel it.
Speaker 1: Isn't what's good for you and isn't what makes you
Speaker 1: feel better about the situation. One thing's for sure that
Speaker 1: the more you understand yourself, the less control you'll feel
Speaker 1: others have over you. And so understanding how you feel
Speaker 1: about this situation is a key part to this that
Speaker 1: can come from journaling therapy. There are so many amazing
Speaker 1: therapists now that focus on different types of trauma and
Speaker 1: so really going to someone who can help you through
Speaker 1: specifically what you've gone through or the issues that you're
Speaker 1: having somatic work. I've just seen so much healing happen
Speaker 1: from that, especially if you're finding it difficult to tap
Speaker 1: into your emotions. Sometimes we want to go there when
Speaker 1: we really want to get to the root of things,
Speaker 1: but we've got so many blockages, a lot of them
Speaker 1: being protection. Our body protects us, our mind protects us
Speaker 1: from going to places that are too difficult. I've had
Speaker 1: so many stories of people. I actually had someone on
Speaker 1: my podcast, Gabby Bernstey, and she came on the podcast
Speaker 1: and she said that she had realize that she'd gone
Speaker 1: through sexual abuse until way later in her life. I
Speaker 1: think it was in the last couple of years where
Speaker 1: a memory got unlocked through doing somatic work, through doing
Speaker 1: these specific practices. And imagine your mind locks up so
Speaker 1: many things out of protection for you, and so sometimes
Speaker 1: we may want to reach those emotions, but we're finding
Speaker 1: it difficult too, and so we need help to get
Speaker 1: there and to really work through it. One thing that
Speaker 1: really helped me through forgiving in my life has been
Speaker 1: writing letters to people, but not sending it to them.
Speaker 1: So I'll write out everything that I want to say,
Speaker 1: everything that I'm feeling about the person, about the situation,
Speaker 1: but I don't send it. Sometimes just putting pen to
Speaker 1: paper and actually getting it out on a page felt
Speaker 1: like healing enough. I didn't feel like I needed to
Speaker 1: open up the wound again by speaking to the person
Speaker 1: or sending it directly to them. So letting that conversation
Speaker 1: flow out of you and onto paper is something that
Speaker 1: can really help.
Speaker 2: And another thing that.
Speaker 1: Can be really beautiful is is rewriting your future story,
Speaker 1: trying to imagine a life where what would my life
Speaker 1: be like if I wasn't impacted by this, Like, how
Speaker 1: do I see?
Speaker 2: How did I envision my life going? How do I
Speaker 2: envision my life being?
Speaker 1: And realizing that you can rewrite that story in a
Speaker 1: way that doesn't have to be shaped by that experience.
Speaker 1: What would it take for you to get to that point?
Speaker 1: I love this quote that I've been reading and seeing
Speaker 1: everywhere at the moment, and it's if you can overthink
Speaker 1: all the bad things that could be what if you
Speaker 1: overthink the possibility of all the good things that could
Speaker 1: happen instead? And so when you've been through difficult times,
Speaker 1: it's easy to think about all the other bad things
Speaker 1: that could happen. It's so natural because you're in protection mode,
Speaker 1: but starting to think, but what about all the good
Speaker 1: things that could happen? What if I just wondered for
Speaker 1: a little while about all the good things that could
Speaker 1: happen in my life and start trying to create more
Speaker 1: of those thoughts in those visions rather than the ones
Speaker 1: tainted by what you've already gone through in the past.
Speaker 1: I really think that this stage is probably the longest
Speaker 1: stage and the stage that requires the most from you. Also,
Speaker 1: I know that this feels really crappy and difficult too,
Speaker 1: because not only has something difficult happened to you, but
Speaker 1: now you have to do the work to undo or
Speaker 1: so at times it might feel like you're the only
Speaker 1: one suffering in this, even when you didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker 1: But the fact is that this effort is for you,
Speaker 1: not for the other person or not for the situation
Speaker 1: that happen, And that's what you have to keep reminding
Speaker 1: yourself of that this is for me. I'm doing this
Speaker 1: for me. This whole process is for me to feel
Speaker 1: happier and healthier and better in my heart and better
Speaker 1: in my relationships. And so I think having that as
Speaker 1: a reminder for yourself every single day is really important.
Speaker 1: And by the way, these stages apply, whether it's small
Speaker 1: things that have happened or the larger traumas that have happened,
Speaker 1: all these stages are the same, whether you go through
Speaker 1: them within a day or even an hour. In your mind,
Speaker 1: you can go through this process pretty quickly. If it's
Speaker 1: something small that you're trying to forgive or trying to
Speaker 1: work through. Stage four is release. Now, this is the
Speaker 1: moment that you decide that this person, this experience, does
Speaker 1: not get to narrate the rest of your life. And
Speaker 1: so in your mind, release will look like telling yourself
Speaker 1: this story no longer hijacks my nervous system. The name
Speaker 1: no longer changes the way that you think or breathe.
Speaker 1: Their memory exists, but it doesn't control you. This is
Speaker 1: where I think what my friend said really sticks out.
Speaker 1: He already took so much for me, he doesn't get
Speaker 1: to take the rest of my life. And that's really
Speaker 1: what you're doing in this releasing stage. Forgiveness does not
Speaker 1: have to mean reconciliation. There is a huge distinction, and
Speaker 1: I think sometimes people think once I've forgiven, that means
Speaker 1: I should try and create a relationship with that person again,
Speaker 1: or try and mend the relationship, and depending on what
Speaker 1: the situation is. But forgiveness is such an internal and
Speaker 1: personal thing, and reconciliation is mutual and conditional. And so
Speaker 1: you can forgive someone fully and choose not to have
Speaker 1: them in your life. I think that's really important. You
Speaker 1: can forgive someone fully and choose not to speak to
Speaker 1: them ever again. But you can also forgive someone and
Speaker 1: choose to have them in your life and not feel
Speaker 1: bad about it. And you can choose to forgive someone
Speaker 1: and give them a second chance and not feel bad
Speaker 1: about it.
Speaker 2: And so I think it's important to remember.
Speaker 1: Both sides where I don't feel bad if you choose
Speaker 1: to reconcile with someone or if you do choose to
Speaker 1: forgive someone and have them back in your life, but
Speaker 1: it's also okay not to. You do not owe someone
Speaker 1: reconciliation just because you've chosen to forgive them. So, whether
Speaker 1: it's a big T trauma or a little ty trauma,
Speaker 1: I think the journey has no time frame. Some may
Speaker 1: take days, others may take years and years of going
Speaker 1: through this process over and over again. There's just so
Speaker 1: many layers to it, and it can show up in
Speaker 1: completely different ways. Even when you feel like you've let go,
Speaker 1: it can creep back in through another trigger. I think
Speaker 1: forgiveness is a constant, daily practice, and it's definitely not
Speaker 1: an easy one. You can forgive someone and still for
Speaker 1: waves of grief and anger and sadness years later by
Speaker 1: a trigger that was so unexpected. You shouldn't feel like
Speaker 1: that you're not healing. If you still get triggered, or
Speaker 1: that you haven't done this process properly. Forgiveness doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that your nervous system never reacts again. It means that
Speaker 1: you now do not organize your life around the wound anymore.
Speaker 1: Forgiveness isn't about being a good person. It's just about
Speaker 1: being someone who feels free in their mind from an
Speaker 1: experience that's happened to them, and that you're not carrying
Speaker 1: that weight throughout your whole life. I wanted to share
Speaker 1: a quote from the book that I mentioned I had
Speaker 1: read earlier, and it says to forgive is to set
Speaker 1: a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.
Speaker 1: And so what I think he means by that is
Speaker 1: really through forgiveness, you're not setting anyone else free except
Speaker 1: for your own mind, except your own body, and you're
Speaker 1: allowing yourself to create a new path for yourself, like
Speaker 1: you end up becoming a prisoner of your own anger,
Speaker 1: of your own emotions if you hold them in you,
Speaker 1: but choosing to let them go is a loving practice
Speaker 1: you can do for yourself, choosing to be a forgiving person,
Speaker 1: especially if it's in these little tea things, like the
Speaker 1: little things that happened day to day if you're collecting
Speaker 1: them over time and building resentment that sits so heavy
Speaker 1: in you, And do you really want to do that
Speaker 1: for the rest of your life or do you want
Speaker 1: to be someone who forgives easily lets go? And yes,
Speaker 1: pain may come a little bit more to you and
Speaker 1: you may end up feeling a little bit more hurt
Speaker 1: in life through it, but having this process of constantly
Speaker 1: being able to forgive and move forward I think helps
Speaker 1: to go through life feeling a lot lighter. Sending your
Speaker 1: so much love. If you are someone who's been through
Speaker 1: a lot of difficult times in your life, I am
Speaker 1: saying a prayer for you in my mind, whoever you are.
Speaker 1: I hope that you make it through this forgiveness journey.
Speaker 1: I hope that it's easier than you thought it was
Speaker 1: going to be. And if it is really difficult, I
Speaker 1: hope you have the support and the love and the
Speaker 1: care that you need around you. There are so many
Speaker 1: amazing places and therapists that people can go to to
Speaker 1: help you through this work. I'll try and share some
Speaker 1: of those things on a really good cry when we
Speaker 1: release this episode. So a bit of a heavy topic
Speaker 1: wasn't it, But sending you so much love and I
Speaker 1: hope you guys have such a wonderful week