1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:02,280 Speaker 1: Hey, everyone, and welcome back to this week's episode of 2 00:00:02,360 --> 00:00:05,279 Speaker 1: A Really Good Cry. I hope you've had such a wonderful, 3 00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:08,239 Speaker 1: wonderful week. So I recently shared a video of me 4 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,600 Speaker 1: speaking on a podcast about forgiveness. The essence of it 5 00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:13,640 Speaker 1: was that you don't always have to tell the person 6 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,159 Speaker 1: who hurt you that they hurt you, and where you 7 00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:19,320 Speaker 1: get relief from in those situations is not usually where 8 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,720 Speaker 1: the pain came from. Really and truly, it was talking 9 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:25,040 Speaker 1: about forgiveness being a one person process, not a two 10 00:00:25,079 --> 00:00:28,920 Speaker 1: person process. That you can forgive someone without honestly them 11 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: even knowing that they've hurt you, and sometimes without having 12 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 1: to have a conversation about it. Now, it was really 13 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:36,720 Speaker 1: amazing because it sparked up so much great conversation in 14 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:40,680 Speaker 1: the comments, and I read all of those read the comments, 15 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:43,440 Speaker 1: and there was so many people saying, no, you absolutely 16 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,519 Speaker 1: have to tell the person when they've hurt you, like 17 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,000 Speaker 1: if you don't tell them then things can't change, And 18 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,120 Speaker 1: there was a lot of debate on that, to be honest, 19 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:52,120 Speaker 1: So there are some people who could really relate to 20 00:00:52,159 --> 00:00:53,680 Speaker 1: what I was saying, and other people who are really 21 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:56,880 Speaker 1: enraged by it, and honestly, I could see and understand why, 22 00:00:57,080 --> 00:01:00,880 Speaker 1: because for some people, when something really different has happened, 23 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,279 Speaker 1: telling the person feels like it is part of the 24 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:05,560 Speaker 1: process of getting over it, of letting go of it, 25 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:08,400 Speaker 1: of maybe forgiving them. So I think it's really dependent 26 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,520 Speaker 1: on the situation. I think when I was speaking about it, 27 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:15,600 Speaker 1: I meant in certain situations, when you know saying something 28 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,679 Speaker 1: actually isn't going to make any difference to the other 29 00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,759 Speaker 1: person and then are going to change their ways, that's 30 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,320 Speaker 1: when you have to decide it is a one person process, 31 00:01:23,319 --> 00:01:24,720 Speaker 1: and I'm going to let go of this. I'm going 32 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:27,000 Speaker 1: to forgive that person, not for them, but for me, 33 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,440 Speaker 1: because sometimes we don't want to face that person, sometimes 34 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,360 Speaker 1: that person is no longer here to even tell them, 35 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:35,880 Speaker 1: and sometimes even communicating with that person, even if it's 36 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,240 Speaker 1: to tell them about the pain they've caused, feels like 37 00:01:38,280 --> 00:01:40,560 Speaker 1: we're crossing a boundary that we don't want to and 38 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,399 Speaker 1: feels like we're giving them the power bag. So, in 39 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,280 Speaker 1: all honesty, when I think about forgiveness, I think that 40 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:50,280 Speaker 1: there's two kinds. There's forgiveness with these traumas with the 41 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,520 Speaker 1: little tea, and by that I mean the day to 42 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:55,559 Speaker 1: day issues that we go through. There's smaller pains, the discomforts, 43 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:59,320 Speaker 1: the disagreements, the ones we go through regularly as humans. 44 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:02,520 Speaker 1: But then they're the big T trauma forgiveness, and that 45 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:06,000 Speaker 1: kind of forgiveness requires a lot from the person, and 46 00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:10,040 Speaker 1: that's things like abuse, murder, and all the things in between. Now, 47 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,359 Speaker 1: I can't say that I've been through any of those 48 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:16,240 Speaker 1: big T traumas, so any advice that I would try 49 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:18,079 Speaker 1: to give you on it, it wouldn't feel right for 50 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,399 Speaker 1: me to give advice on that. So I actually took 51 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:24,000 Speaker 1: from conversations that I've had with friends, with people that 52 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:26,639 Speaker 1: have spoken and open up to me about the big 53 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:30,080 Speaker 1: T traumas that they've been through and how they have 54 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:33,240 Speaker 1: reacted to forgiveness, how they have reacted in those situations. 55 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,640 Speaker 1: I've had friends and family that have sadly been through 56 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:38,519 Speaker 1: quite a lot of big T traumas, and I wanted 57 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,240 Speaker 1: to share some of their stories and hopes that it 58 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:44,679 Speaker 1: brings clarity to your process and your journey in forgiveness 59 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,880 Speaker 1: and sheds light on what can come from forgiven, even 60 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,079 Speaker 1: if it feels out of reach right now, even if 61 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:53,360 Speaker 1: forgiveness isn't a word you want in your vocabulary I 62 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:56,800 Speaker 1: completely understand, but I hope that this episode helps you 63 00:02:56,919 --> 00:03:00,240 Speaker 1: to start on that journey, not for anybody else, but 64 00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,600 Speaker 1: for yourself. So when I was writing this, I looked 65 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:04,800 Speaker 1: up definitions of forgiveness, and I really love this on 66 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:09,440 Speaker 1: the most. It said forgiveness is the intentional, voluntary, being 67 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:13,600 Speaker 1: important process of releasing deep seated feelings of resentment, anger, 68 00:03:13,639 --> 00:03:17,040 Speaker 1: and vengeance towards someone who has caused harm, regardless of 69 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:20,919 Speaker 1: whether they deserve it, Facilitating personal healing and mental peace. 70 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:23,679 Speaker 1: I think the key words for me here are voluntary 71 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,839 Speaker 1: and personal healing and mental peace. When I was reading 72 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,359 Speaker 1: articles online, I think that the thing that stuck out 73 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:32,919 Speaker 1: to me the most was just how suffocating this idea 74 00:03:32,919 --> 00:03:35,560 Speaker 1: of forgiveness can be for people who've been through really 75 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:40,200 Speaker 1: difficult times, this feeling of duty of society expecting you 76 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,880 Speaker 1: to forgive, because it makes people feel really uncomfortable if 77 00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:44,920 Speaker 1: someone has a lot of anger. It makes people feel 78 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 1: really uncomfortable if someone isn't on the path of forgiveness, 79 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:49,839 Speaker 1: if they have decided no, I actually want to hold 80 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:52,320 Speaker 1: this in me, and I'm choosing to keep this anger 81 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:55,040 Speaker 1: in me because it feels protective, that feels uncomfortable to 82 00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,280 Speaker 1: people because you're used to being in a society where, 83 00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,000 Speaker 1: even if you don't mean it, you say it's fine, 84 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,600 Speaker 1: I forgive you, I forgive you for everything that you've done. 85 00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:03,440 Speaker 1: I forgive you, I forgive you, I forgive you, and 86 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:05,760 Speaker 1: saying sorry often when we don't mean it too. I 87 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,680 Speaker 1: don't think a forgiveness can ever be commanded or demanded. 88 00:04:08,760 --> 00:04:10,800 Speaker 1: It has to be an act that is sacred, and 89 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,200 Speaker 1: it has to come from a place of a free heart, 90 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:18,120 Speaker 1: someone choosing to forgive someone without persuasion, without duty, and 91 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:21,680 Speaker 1: the moment forgiveness is demanded, it ends up not being pure. 92 00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:27,120 Speaker 1: It becomes performative, and it becomes something that actually doesn't 93 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:30,800 Speaker 1: impact that person forgiving or the person being forgiven in 94 00:04:30,839 --> 00:04:32,719 Speaker 1: the same way. And you know what, there might actually 95 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:36,480 Speaker 1: be circumstances where people feel forgiveness actually is not the 96 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:39,000 Speaker 1: path that they feel is right for them. Whether it's 97 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,400 Speaker 1: a person that's been through sexual abuse, they feel more 98 00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:46,200 Speaker 1: empowered when they give themselves permission not to forgive. They 99 00:04:46,279 --> 00:04:49,160 Speaker 1: might come to terms with the situation, but they don't 100 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,880 Speaker 1: want to forgive that person. And I think every single 101 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:54,040 Speaker 1: person has a right to decide whether or not they 102 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:57,360 Speaker 1: forgive another person, it should not be unexpected from anyone. 103 00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,599 Speaker 1: There are so many beautiful examples of people who have 104 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:05,720 Speaker 1: forgiven others for horrendous crimes, whether it's shootings or killing 105 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,040 Speaker 1: their child. They've seen so many things in the news 106 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,200 Speaker 1: and read all these books where it talks about these 107 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:14,600 Speaker 1: stories of horrendous things happening and people forgiving the person 108 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:18,440 Speaker 1: on death row for that crime, or sharing forgiveness with 109 00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:22,200 Speaker 1: someone who is really repenting for what they've done, and ultimately, 110 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:24,720 Speaker 1: forgiveness gives someone peace or healing. 111 00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,520 Speaker 2: There can be no action too severe for forgiveness. 112 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,080 Speaker 1: If for you it brings peace in your heart, and 113 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:34,200 Speaker 1: if for you it brings clarity and a path forward, 114 00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,200 Speaker 1: then you should never feel like there is anything too 115 00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:40,279 Speaker 1: big that's too difficult to forgive if you feel you 116 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:43,680 Speaker 1: can get something more positive from doing so. There's this 117 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,279 Speaker 1: author who wrote a whole book on forgiveness, and he 118 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:48,840 Speaker 1: talks about why people resist forgiveness. He said, most people 119 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:51,960 Speaker 1: choose not to forgive because I'm gonna makes us feel powerful. 120 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:56,000 Speaker 1: Resentment ends up feeling like protection, like a boundary between 121 00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,839 Speaker 1: you and the person. But he pointed out that you 122 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,440 Speaker 1: do not need to hold resentment and to keep a 123 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:03,760 Speaker 1: boundary and letting go is not losing control in that situation. 124 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,640 Speaker 2: Either. Someone to share a story with you. 125 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,000 Speaker 1: I have a friend who has been through sexual abuse, 126 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,919 Speaker 1: and I remember her saying to me that forgiving the 127 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,000 Speaker 1: person was the biggest act of self love and the 128 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:17,800 Speaker 1: greatest gift that she could have ever given herself. She 129 00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:21,480 Speaker 1: said that when she went through years of working through anger, 130 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:24,520 Speaker 1: she realized that it was actually a cover for the 131 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,040 Speaker 1: deeper emotions that she was feeling. She was feeling guilty, 132 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:29,599 Speaker 1: she was feeling embarrassed that that had happened to her. 133 00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:32,719 Speaker 1: There were so many other emotions that were coming up 134 00:06:33,279 --> 00:06:35,760 Speaker 1: for her, and anger was just the way for her 135 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:37,280 Speaker 1: to express it. 136 00:06:37,279 --> 00:06:39,080 Speaker 2: It was easier way to express it. 137 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,080 Speaker 1: And I've heard this so many times, and I've really 138 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:45,080 Speaker 1: started noticing in my life anger is always a secondary emotion. 139 00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:48,159 Speaker 1: You don't often just feel angry. If you're angry that 140 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:51,479 Speaker 1: someone's done something to your friend, you feel her, you 141 00:06:51,560 --> 00:06:54,560 Speaker 1: feel betrayal, you feel all these different things and all 142 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:57,760 Speaker 1: these different emotions, But usually anger comes from a deeper 143 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,320 Speaker 1: seated emotion or a deeper seated place in your heart. 144 00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:02,839 Speaker 1: And I thought that was so powerful what she said 145 00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:06,400 Speaker 1: that she saw forgiving someone as an act of self 146 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,400 Speaker 1: love for herself, and she said the anger was just 147 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:12,120 Speaker 1: eating her up inside. And I think that's what anger does, 148 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:17,000 Speaker 1: you know. I shared this post about how different emotions 149 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,480 Speaker 1: show up in the body, and so many people responded 150 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:23,160 Speaker 1: saying they've experienced that in themselves. The anger, you just 151 00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,960 Speaker 1: feel it eating up the inside of your body, like 152 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:29,200 Speaker 1: it's just so difficult to process anger. It's such an 153 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:34,080 Speaker 1: undigestible emotion. And it's so interesting because in our Vader 154 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,880 Speaker 1: it says that anger it gives headaches and the head 155 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,840 Speaker 1: and it creates acid reflux and so much heat in 156 00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:43,600 Speaker 1: the body. And so actually, all these emotions they don't 157 00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:47,200 Speaker 1: just live in our subconscious or in you know, this 158 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:51,400 Speaker 1: imaginary world. They actually manifest in our physical body too. 159 00:07:51,840 --> 00:07:55,080 Speaker 1: And so when you're thinking about letting go and forgiving, 160 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:58,640 Speaker 1: it really is such a youthing. And I know people 161 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:01,000 Speaker 1: say that it's a forgiveness is do it for yourself. 162 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,280 Speaker 1: It's not about the other person. But you really have 163 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:06,440 Speaker 1: to believe that to start that process, especially when something 164 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,440 Speaker 1: really difficult has happened to you, because forgiveness can end 165 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,400 Speaker 1: up feeling like you are letting go of the situation 166 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,200 Speaker 1: or it's acceptable what that person's done to you. But 167 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,520 Speaker 1: one thing that can help is trying to reframe that. 168 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:21,040 Speaker 1: But forgiveness is for me. Forgiveness is a self love 169 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:23,280 Speaker 1: practice that I'm doing for me. It has nothing to 170 00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,200 Speaker 1: do with the other person. It's about how it's affecting 171 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:29,880 Speaker 1: my physical body, my mental state, my relationships, the way 172 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:32,640 Speaker 1: I move through life. And so a big part of 173 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,600 Speaker 1: this is rewiring how you see forgiveness and what forgiveness 174 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,360 Speaker 1: is linked to in your mind. Forgiveness is untying the 175 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:41,559 Speaker 1: knot still binding you to that person. It's basically cutting 176 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:43,439 Speaker 1: the tie. And if you think about it, when you 177 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:45,800 Speaker 1: don't forgive someone, that means you're still kind of holding 178 00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,360 Speaker 1: them in your body or your heart or your mind 179 00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:50,920 Speaker 1: in some way, which means we end up saying emotionally 180 00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,800 Speaker 1: bound to these people. So something that you probably want 181 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:57,880 Speaker 1: to release, let go of in your mind and not 182 00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:02,800 Speaker 1: associate with. Unfortunately, anger and the lack of forgiveness ends 183 00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,200 Speaker 1: up keeping you tied to that person. It creates these 184 00:09:05,240 --> 00:09:08,320 Speaker 1: invisible ties that you're finding really difficult to cut. Sexual 185 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:11,800 Speaker 1: abuse is one of the hardest circumstances someone would go 186 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,440 Speaker 1: through as a human And even though she absolutely had 187 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:18,160 Speaker 1: the right to hold onto the anger, even though she 188 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,680 Speaker 1: would be fully justified, absolutely fully justified in doing that, 189 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:23,920 Speaker 1: she chose not to. She chose not to carry that 190 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,320 Speaker 1: weight with her, not to experience the rest of her 191 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:28,720 Speaker 1: life through the filter of that pain of the anger, 192 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:31,240 Speaker 1: and not to let that experience or that person have 193 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,920 Speaker 1: any more control over her. So, actually, forgiveness and letting 194 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,680 Speaker 1: go for her was taking away the power from that 195 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,599 Speaker 1: person that her. He's already taken away so much, he 196 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,160 Speaker 1: doesn't get to have the rest of my life. And 197 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,560 Speaker 1: I remember her saying that to me, and I was like, wow, 198 00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,400 Speaker 1: it's so true. This person has taken away a year 199 00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:51,760 Speaker 1: of two years, three years of your life. But am 200 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,520 Speaker 1: I going to let this person dictake the rest of 201 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:55,199 Speaker 1: my life. I'm going to keep this person in my 202 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,200 Speaker 1: mind for the rest of my life, this point of pain, 203 00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:00,640 Speaker 1: this point of destruction in my life. I'm going to 204 00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,760 Speaker 1: let it continue throughout my life. And that was a 205 00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:05,839 Speaker 1: choice that she decided to make. She did not want 206 00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,440 Speaker 1: to continue that in her life, and so, of course 207 00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:10,640 Speaker 1: it took a lot of work, which I'm going to 208 00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:13,360 Speaker 1: go into later. What it actually takes to forgive someone 209 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:17,760 Speaker 1: in this type of situation, but the work was worth 210 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,600 Speaker 1: it for her, it really was. And she feels like 211 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:22,880 Speaker 1: she's just changed the trajectory of her life. And I've 212 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,839 Speaker 1: seen it with my own eyes, and she really has. 213 00:10:24,880 --> 00:10:27,000 Speaker 1: And it's so beautiful to see. You know, where we 214 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,800 Speaker 1: decide to forgive and where we don't, whether it's in 215 00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:31,000 Speaker 1: the smaller things every single day, or whether it's in 216 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,520 Speaker 1: these big ways, it really determines how we see and 217 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:36,760 Speaker 1: speak about the past and how we move into our future. 218 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,880 Speaker 1: Another really incredible example of forgiveness that I experienced was 219 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:42,480 Speaker 1: when I went to Rwanda a couple of years ago. 220 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,800 Speaker 1: And for anyone who doesn't know, there was a genocide 221 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:48,160 Speaker 1: that happened in Rwanda literally not long ago. I think 222 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:51,679 Speaker 1: it ended in like nineteen ninety four. That generation still 223 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,400 Speaker 1: exists there. It's not even an older generation. It is 224 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:59,200 Speaker 1: a young generation that has experienced their parents being killed, 225 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,000 Speaker 1: their families being killed, and. 226 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:03,240 Speaker 2: In very, very brutal ways. 227 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:06,760 Speaker 1: I went to the museum there and it was so 228 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,840 Speaker 1: overwhelming to see the amount of people that died, but 229 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:14,800 Speaker 1: also how aggressive and intense it was. And it is 230 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:19,280 Speaker 1: beyond imagination to be honest, it was incredible to see 231 00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:23,560 Speaker 1: and hear from people who had their neighbors killing their parents, 232 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:27,680 Speaker 1: and how they've chosen to forgive, How this next generation 233 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:32,160 Speaker 1: that has come has chosen to build, rebuild community, to 234 00:11:32,679 --> 00:11:36,240 Speaker 1: have compassion for each other, to forgive for the most 235 00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:41,400 Speaker 1: unthinkable things, for the benefit of society, for the benefit 236 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,000 Speaker 1: of their community, for the benefit of their children, and 237 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:45,400 Speaker 1: to perpetuate. 238 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:45,559 Speaker 2: Love and not hate. 239 00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:50,360 Speaker 1: And that was bizarre sy something that I've never experienced before, 240 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,520 Speaker 1: and I don't think has really happened in the world before, 241 00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:57,880 Speaker 1: where this community had chosen to not let that anger, 242 00:11:57,920 --> 00:12:02,360 Speaker 1: that aggression that happened in that moment in time dictate 243 00:12:02,440 --> 00:12:05,160 Speaker 1: how they connect to people after. There were two tribes 244 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:09,200 Speaker 1: who lived there, and the Tutsi tribe, they went through 245 00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:13,680 Speaker 1: a complete genocide. Over one million lives were lost, one 246 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:16,360 Speaker 1: million in that short period of time. So it was 247 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,880 Speaker 1: really fascinating experiencing that in the community and hearing people 248 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:22,360 Speaker 1: talk about that, because obviously that's something that we all 249 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:24,640 Speaker 1: struggle with in the world at the moment, there's so 250 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:28,120 Speaker 1: many things happening, But to see this level of forgiveness 251 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:30,360 Speaker 1: within such a short period of time, since it ended 252 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:34,320 Speaker 1: in nineteen ninety four. It was incredibly beautiful to see 253 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:37,280 Speaker 1: and so touching to hear the stories of people who 254 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:42,280 Speaker 1: reconciled and created harmony and community after that. So when 255 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,680 Speaker 1: I was reading about forgiveness, I read about different stages 256 00:12:45,679 --> 00:12:48,760 Speaker 1: of forgiveness, and this, honestly, what I'm about to share, 257 00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:52,000 Speaker 1: felt like the most useful and impactful process. I kind 258 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:55,400 Speaker 1: of took from all these different processes and these different 259 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:58,800 Speaker 1: stages that people recommended, and I created these four stages 260 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,600 Speaker 1: that I think forgiveness really fits into. 261 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,080 Speaker 2: So the first stage is hate, and. 262 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,800 Speaker 1: I think sometimes the trigger for many people when they 263 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:10,000 Speaker 1: hear forgiveness is that it implies you can't carry the hate, 264 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,400 Speaker 1: that it leaves no room for the hate that you're feeling, 265 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:15,120 Speaker 1: the negative emotions that you're feeling. It's like when you 266 00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,520 Speaker 1: think when you start forgiveness or you're saying that you're 267 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:21,000 Speaker 1: about you're forgiving someone, the negative emotions just have to disappear, 268 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,520 Speaker 1: and that's not realistic. So I actually think hate is 269 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:27,040 Speaker 1: the first stage of forgiveness because it's important and it's 270 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:30,640 Speaker 1: even a necessary stage forgiveness. In order to actually forgive, 271 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:32,440 Speaker 1: I think you have to give yourself time to have 272 00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:36,920 Speaker 1: an intense and passionate reaction to the person and what's happened. 273 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,040 Speaker 1: You have to let your mind run with the thoughts 274 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:41,880 Speaker 1: and let your heart run with the feelings. And more 275 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:45,480 Speaker 1: often than not, this looks and feels like anger. So 276 00:13:45,679 --> 00:13:49,000 Speaker 1: I think giving yourself space and not pushing yourself out 277 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:52,800 Speaker 1: of these negative and inverted comments because I don't think 278 00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:56,760 Speaker 1: the negative emotions, these extreme emotions that you're feeling, allow 279 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:59,600 Speaker 1: them to be extreme. Allow your mind to like think 280 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:03,959 Speaker 1: of every situation, every thought, every opinion that you have, 281 00:14:04,080 --> 00:14:06,360 Speaker 1: every single thing that's going through your mind that feels aggressive, 282 00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:09,000 Speaker 1: that feels angry, Give yourself the space and time to 283 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,680 Speaker 1: feel it, because if you don't feel it, it will 284 00:14:10,679 --> 00:14:13,880 Speaker 1: sit in you, or it will bury itself beneath somewhere 285 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:17,760 Speaker 1: in your body. And it's better to just experience it 286 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:21,040 Speaker 1: now as you're feeling it, go through the emotions. Not 287 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:23,800 Speaker 1: acknowledging this and suppressing it can actually just set deeper 288 00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:27,000 Speaker 1: into your subconscious and then it comes out in ways 289 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,880 Speaker 1: that you won't even expect five years down the line, 290 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:32,280 Speaker 1: ten years down the line. So I think, without experiencing 291 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:36,440 Speaker 1: these emotions of anger and whatever else you're feeling, it's 292 00:14:36,480 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 1: impossible to genuinely forgive someone because then those feelings are 293 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:43,120 Speaker 1: just hiding somewhere and they're waiting to come out, and 294 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:46,160 Speaker 1: they'll come out the worst time possible, probably in the future. 295 00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:49,920 Speaker 1: And so really allowing yourself to write it out, to 296 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:53,760 Speaker 1: explore it. Sometimes you won't even understand it. Understanding may 297 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,080 Speaker 1: not be part of this stage. Actually, I think it's 298 00:14:56,320 --> 00:15:00,200 Speaker 1: just experiencing, experiencing the utmost anger that you are feel 299 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,680 Speaker 1: and allow it to flow through you. Stage two is hurt. 300 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,840 Speaker 1: Anger is easier than pain. Like I said before, feeling 301 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,960 Speaker 1: angry often feel safer than feeling deep pain. It's actually 302 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,360 Speaker 1: an act of courage to feel the deep, deep hurt. 303 00:15:12,720 --> 00:15:14,800 Speaker 1: And I think that's actually where people stop because feeling 304 00:15:14,840 --> 00:15:17,720 Speaker 1: the pain too deeply is just too painful. Like it's 305 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:21,120 Speaker 1: so hard feeling her. There's one thing about anger, and 306 00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:22,880 Speaker 1: the thing is if you stay in anger for too long, 307 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,040 Speaker 1: it can become bitterness. And the bitterness just becomes a 308 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:28,000 Speaker 1: way of living, the filter through what you see life 309 00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 1: and experience life through. But her, to her really requires 310 00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,720 Speaker 1: you to open your heart out to actually allow your 311 00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:38,880 Speaker 1: heart to break, and that takes so much vulnerability, so 312 00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,880 Speaker 1: much work. My friend who says she was able to 313 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:44,400 Speaker 1: forgive that I mentioned earlier. She said that feeling the 314 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:48,280 Speaker 1: pain and unraveling it was the most emotionally painful and 315 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:51,560 Speaker 1: physically draining time in her whole entire life. And trust me, 316 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,560 Speaker 1: this girl has been through a lot. I have another 317 00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:58,080 Speaker 1: friend who had a physically abusive father from a young age, 318 00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:00,800 Speaker 1: and to this day I can see and feel her 319 00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:02,920 Speaker 1: anger through the way that she lives life. She's found 320 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,520 Speaker 1: it so difficult to let go of things as much 321 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:09,040 Speaker 1: as she wants to. She's struggling and the reaction she 322 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:11,400 Speaker 1: has to things, even the way that she responds when 323 00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:14,360 Speaker 1: her dad's name is mentioned. She's been trapped in her 324 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:17,200 Speaker 1: hatred for so long, for so many years. Whenever I 325 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,160 Speaker 1: ask her if she feels like talking about it or 326 00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:21,960 Speaker 1: if she has ever tried to, she says, I don't 327 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:23,640 Speaker 1: think I can go back there. I don't think I 328 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:26,000 Speaker 1: can talk about it or work through it because it 329 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,040 Speaker 1: will literally break me. I don't think I can experience 330 00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:30,840 Speaker 1: that again. I don't think I can go through the pain. 331 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:35,080 Speaker 1: And so her fear of heartbreak and feeling those feelings 332 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,560 Speaker 1: of upset is more scary to her than living through 333 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,640 Speaker 1: this bitterness or the anger that she's living her life through. 334 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:44,400 Speaker 1: But unfortunately, I think it's only when you allow your 335 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,800 Speaker 1: heart to break in that way that you can pass 336 00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:49,960 Speaker 1: to the third stage of forgiveness, which is understanding. So 337 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,360 Speaker 1: the first part is really about feeling a lot, which 338 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:54,840 Speaker 1: can be hard. It can be the most draining thing 339 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,520 Speaker 1: to go through. The emotions anger, her pain, all the 340 00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:01,280 Speaker 1: hardest emotions to go through. But then that can bring 341 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,600 Speaker 1: you to the stage hopefully of understanding meaning making making 342 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,399 Speaker 1: meaning of what's happened in some way, not excusing it 343 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:11,119 Speaker 1: or justifying it or minimizing it, but really understanding and 344 00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:13,800 Speaker 1: what happened to you, how it shaped you, what it's 345 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:17,760 Speaker 1: affecting and impacting in your life. Basically exploring what has 346 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:21,359 Speaker 1: this incident, what ripple effect has it created in my life? 347 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:24,520 Speaker 1: What other ripples in my relationships and my work, in 348 00:17:25,040 --> 00:17:28,040 Speaker 1: my mindset, in my fear on a day to day basis, 349 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:34,000 Speaker 1: what exactly, every single day has this one incident impacted 350 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,919 Speaker 1: throughout my life? What rippuls has it created? And so 351 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:39,399 Speaker 1: this is really the stage where you stop and you 352 00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:43,280 Speaker 1: ask why did this person do this or why did. 353 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:43,840 Speaker 2: This happen to me? 354 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,840 Speaker 1: And you can have all the most bizarre responses to it. 355 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,240 Speaker 1: I can't even imagine what would go through someone's mind 356 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:53,920 Speaker 1: who's been through something like that. But ask yourself, why 357 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,200 Speaker 1: did they do this? I'm really trying to think about 358 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:59,000 Speaker 1: the person, and it could be just that they're bad 359 00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:01,840 Speaker 1: people and not nice people, and that they don't respect 360 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,679 Speaker 1: human life and that they don't respect women or whatever 361 00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:08,600 Speaker 1: it is. But trying to find in your mind coming 362 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:12,400 Speaker 1: to a conclusion of why that person from in their 363 00:18:12,440 --> 00:18:15,800 Speaker 1: own mind might have done that, and then asking what 364 00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,040 Speaker 1: did it do to me? What impact did this have 365 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:20,720 Speaker 1: on me? And so you're really naming the losses that 366 00:18:20,760 --> 00:18:23,480 Speaker 1: you felt in life from going through that and identifying 367 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,639 Speaker 1: what was taken, whether it's safety, innocence, trust, voice, time, 368 00:18:27,359 --> 00:18:30,159 Speaker 1: really seeing how the trauma shaped your patterns, your reactions, 369 00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:35,159 Speaker 1: your relationships. But remembering that understanding does not mean understanding 370 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:38,760 Speaker 1: the person that hurt you or makes sense of what's happened. 371 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,760 Speaker 1: It just makes you less confused by your own life. 372 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,560 Speaker 1: You create meaning to it in your own way doesn't 373 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,240 Speaker 1: mean that that's the reality of it. But you're able 374 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:49,840 Speaker 1: to come to terms with it and come face to 375 00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:53,040 Speaker 1: face with it and find some sort of understanding that 376 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:54,840 Speaker 1: helps you move on. As long as it helps you 377 00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:57,840 Speaker 1: move on, it's good. If you're finding that it's actually 378 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:00,600 Speaker 1: taking you backwards or going through through that is a 379 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,600 Speaker 1: bit too painful, maybe you're not ready for this staga, 380 00:19:03,119 --> 00:19:06,639 Speaker 1: or maybe you're maybe trying to unpack it and unravel it. 381 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,760 Speaker 1: Isn't what's good for you and isn't what makes you 382 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,439 Speaker 1: feel better about the situation. One thing's for sure that 383 00:19:11,480 --> 00:19:14,480 Speaker 1: the more you understand yourself, the less control you'll feel 384 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:18,320 Speaker 1: others have over you. And so understanding how you feel 385 00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:21,800 Speaker 1: about this situation is a key part to this that 386 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:24,719 Speaker 1: can come from journaling therapy. There are so many amazing 387 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:28,119 Speaker 1: therapists now that focus on different types of trauma and 388 00:19:28,160 --> 00:19:30,120 Speaker 1: so really going to someone who can help you through 389 00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:34,120 Speaker 1: specifically what you've gone through or the issues that you're 390 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:37,879 Speaker 1: having somatic work. I've just seen so much healing happen 391 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:40,560 Speaker 1: from that, especially if you're finding it difficult to tap 392 00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:43,480 Speaker 1: into your emotions. Sometimes we want to go there when 393 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,600 Speaker 1: we really want to get to the root of things, 394 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,080 Speaker 1: but we've got so many blockages, a lot of them 395 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,480 Speaker 1: being protection. Our body protects us, our mind protects us 396 00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:53,400 Speaker 1: from going to places that are too difficult. I've had 397 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:55,480 Speaker 1: so many stories of people. I actually had someone on 398 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:58,560 Speaker 1: my podcast, Gabby Bernstey, and she came on the podcast 399 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,800 Speaker 1: and she said that she had realize that she'd gone 400 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:04,000 Speaker 1: through sexual abuse until way later in her life. I 401 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:06,680 Speaker 1: think it was in the last couple of years where 402 00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:10,320 Speaker 1: a memory got unlocked through doing somatic work, through doing 403 00:20:10,359 --> 00:20:14,879 Speaker 1: these specific practices. And imagine your mind locks up so 404 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:18,000 Speaker 1: many things out of protection for you, and so sometimes 405 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:20,920 Speaker 1: we may want to reach those emotions, but we're finding 406 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,680 Speaker 1: it difficult too, and so we need help to get 407 00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,639 Speaker 1: there and to really work through it. One thing that 408 00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:29,000 Speaker 1: really helped me through forgiving in my life has been 409 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,880 Speaker 1: writing letters to people, but not sending it to them. 410 00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:34,520 Speaker 1: So I'll write out everything that I want to say, 411 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:38,000 Speaker 1: everything that I'm feeling about the person, about the situation, 412 00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:40,359 Speaker 1: but I don't send it. Sometimes just putting pen to 413 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,040 Speaker 1: paper and actually getting it out on a page felt 414 00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:44,920 Speaker 1: like healing enough. I didn't feel like I needed to 415 00:20:44,960 --> 00:20:46,960 Speaker 1: open up the wound again by speaking to the person 416 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,520 Speaker 1: or sending it directly to them. So letting that conversation 417 00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:52,560 Speaker 1: flow out of you and onto paper is something that 418 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:53,240 Speaker 1: can really help. 419 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:54,000 Speaker 2: And another thing that. 420 00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:57,000 Speaker 1: Can be really beautiful is is rewriting your future story, 421 00:20:57,240 --> 00:21:00,280 Speaker 1: trying to imagine a life where what would my life 422 00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:02,760 Speaker 1: be like if I wasn't impacted by this, Like, how 423 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:03,280 Speaker 1: do I see? 424 00:21:03,520 --> 00:21:05,399 Speaker 2: How did I envision my life going? How do I 425 00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:06,520 Speaker 2: envision my life being? 426 00:21:06,920 --> 00:21:09,240 Speaker 1: And realizing that you can rewrite that story in a 427 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,240 Speaker 1: way that doesn't have to be shaped by that experience. 428 00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,160 Speaker 1: What would it take for you to get to that point? 429 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:14,720 Speaker 1: I love this quote that I've been reading and seeing 430 00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,720 Speaker 1: everywhere at the moment, and it's if you can overthink 431 00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:18,840 Speaker 1: all the bad things that could be what if you 432 00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:22,000 Speaker 1: overthink the possibility of all the good things that could 433 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:25,720 Speaker 1: happen instead? And so when you've been through difficult times, 434 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,640 Speaker 1: it's easy to think about all the other bad things 435 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:30,159 Speaker 1: that could happen. It's so natural because you're in protection mode, 436 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:32,240 Speaker 1: but starting to think, but what about all the good 437 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,600 Speaker 1: things that could happen? What if I just wondered for 438 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:37,240 Speaker 1: a little while about all the good things that could 439 00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:40,320 Speaker 1: happen in my life and start trying to create more 440 00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:43,760 Speaker 1: of those thoughts in those visions rather than the ones 441 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,879 Speaker 1: tainted by what you've already gone through in the past. 442 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,479 Speaker 1: I really think that this stage is probably the longest 443 00:21:48,480 --> 00:21:51,720 Speaker 1: stage and the stage that requires the most from you. Also, 444 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,800 Speaker 1: I know that this feels really crappy and difficult too, 445 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,720 Speaker 1: because not only has something difficult happened to you, but 446 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:00,280 Speaker 1: now you have to do the work to undo or 447 00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:02,440 Speaker 1: so at times it might feel like you're the only 448 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,359 Speaker 1: one suffering in this, even when you didn't do anything wrong. 449 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,800 Speaker 1: But the fact is that this effort is for you, 450 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:11,400 Speaker 1: not for the other person or not for the situation 451 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,639 Speaker 1: that happen, And that's what you have to keep reminding 452 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,920 Speaker 1: yourself of that this is for me. I'm doing this 453 00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,600 Speaker 1: for me. This whole process is for me to feel 454 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,920 Speaker 1: happier and healthier and better in my heart and better 455 00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:25,080 Speaker 1: in my relationships. And so I think having that as 456 00:22:25,119 --> 00:22:27,639 Speaker 1: a reminder for yourself every single day is really important. 457 00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:30,600 Speaker 1: And by the way, these stages apply, whether it's small 458 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,280 Speaker 1: things that have happened or the larger traumas that have happened, 459 00:22:33,320 --> 00:22:36,520 Speaker 1: all these stages are the same, whether you go through 460 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:39,159 Speaker 1: them within a day or even an hour. In your mind, 461 00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,000 Speaker 1: you can go through this process pretty quickly. If it's 462 00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,399 Speaker 1: something small that you're trying to forgive or trying to 463 00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:48,000 Speaker 1: work through. Stage four is release. Now, this is the 464 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:51,840 Speaker 1: moment that you decide that this person, this experience, does 465 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,719 Speaker 1: not get to narrate the rest of your life. And 466 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:57,439 Speaker 1: so in your mind, release will look like telling yourself 467 00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,440 Speaker 1: this story no longer hijacks my nervous system. The name 468 00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,240 Speaker 1: no longer changes the way that you think or breathe. 469 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:06,840 Speaker 1: Their memory exists, but it doesn't control you. This is 470 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:10,240 Speaker 1: where I think what my friend said really sticks out. 471 00:23:10,359 --> 00:23:12,119 Speaker 1: He already took so much for me, he doesn't get 472 00:23:12,160 --> 00:23:14,600 Speaker 1: to take the rest of my life. And that's really 473 00:23:14,600 --> 00:23:17,560 Speaker 1: what you're doing in this releasing stage. Forgiveness does not 474 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,520 Speaker 1: have to mean reconciliation. There is a huge distinction, and 475 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:23,359 Speaker 1: I think sometimes people think once I've forgiven, that means 476 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,320 Speaker 1: I should try and create a relationship with that person again, 477 00:23:26,480 --> 00:23:30,400 Speaker 1: or try and mend the relationship, and depending on what 478 00:23:30,480 --> 00:23:33,439 Speaker 1: the situation is. But forgiveness is such an internal and 479 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:37,119 Speaker 1: personal thing, and reconciliation is mutual and conditional. And so 480 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,879 Speaker 1: you can forgive someone fully and choose not to have 481 00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:41,560 Speaker 1: them in your life. I think that's really important. You 482 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,000 Speaker 1: can forgive someone fully and choose not to speak to 483 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:47,040 Speaker 1: them ever again. But you can also forgive someone and 484 00:23:47,119 --> 00:23:48,960 Speaker 1: choose to have them in your life and not feel 485 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,399 Speaker 1: bad about it. And you can choose to forgive someone 486 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,120 Speaker 1: and give them a second chance and not feel bad 487 00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:54,680 Speaker 1: about it. 488 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:56,720 Speaker 2: And so I think it's important to remember. 489 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:58,440 Speaker 1: Both sides where I don't feel bad if you choose 490 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,000 Speaker 1: to reconcile with someone or if you do choose to 491 00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:03,159 Speaker 1: forgive someone and have them back in your life, but 492 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:05,400 Speaker 1: it's also okay not to. You do not owe someone 493 00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:08,680 Speaker 1: reconciliation just because you've chosen to forgive them. So, whether 494 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,560 Speaker 1: it's a big T trauma or a little ty trauma, 495 00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:13,760 Speaker 1: I think the journey has no time frame. Some may 496 00:24:13,800 --> 00:24:16,320 Speaker 1: take days, others may take years and years of going 497 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,800 Speaker 1: through this process over and over again. There's just so 498 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,480 Speaker 1: many layers to it, and it can show up in 499 00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:23,600 Speaker 1: completely different ways. Even when you feel like you've let go, 500 00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,640 Speaker 1: it can creep back in through another trigger. I think 501 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:29,639 Speaker 1: forgiveness is a constant, daily practice, and it's definitely not 502 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,679 Speaker 1: an easy one. You can forgive someone and still for 503 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,800 Speaker 1: waves of grief and anger and sadness years later by 504 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:38,600 Speaker 1: a trigger that was so unexpected. You shouldn't feel like 505 00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:41,240 Speaker 1: that you're not healing. If you still get triggered, or 506 00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:44,680 Speaker 1: that you haven't done this process properly. Forgiveness doesn't mean 507 00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,439 Speaker 1: that your nervous system never reacts again. It means that 508 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:50,560 Speaker 1: you now do not organize your life around the wound anymore. 509 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,840 Speaker 1: Forgiveness isn't about being a good person. It's just about 510 00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:56,400 Speaker 1: being someone who feels free in their mind from an 511 00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:59,080 Speaker 1: experience that's happened to them, and that you're not carrying 512 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:01,640 Speaker 1: that weight throughout your whole life. I wanted to share 513 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:04,800 Speaker 1: a quote from the book that I mentioned I had 514 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,120 Speaker 1: read earlier, and it says to forgive is to set 515 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:09,760 Speaker 1: a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. 516 00:25:10,119 --> 00:25:11,840 Speaker 1: And so what I think he means by that is 517 00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:16,600 Speaker 1: really through forgiveness, you're not setting anyone else free except 518 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:18,920 Speaker 1: for your own mind, except your own body, and you're 519 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:22,320 Speaker 1: allowing yourself to create a new path for yourself, like 520 00:25:22,520 --> 00:25:24,879 Speaker 1: you end up becoming a prisoner of your own anger, 521 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,159 Speaker 1: of your own emotions if you hold them in you, 522 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,320 Speaker 1: but choosing to let them go is a loving practice 523 00:25:30,359 --> 00:25:33,400 Speaker 1: you can do for yourself, choosing to be a forgiving person, 524 00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,439 Speaker 1: especially if it's in these little tea things, like the 525 00:25:36,480 --> 00:25:38,640 Speaker 1: little things that happened day to day if you're collecting 526 00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:42,320 Speaker 1: them over time and building resentment that sits so heavy 527 00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:44,199 Speaker 1: in you, And do you really want to do that 528 00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:46,120 Speaker 1: for the rest of your life or do you want 529 00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:49,159 Speaker 1: to be someone who forgives easily lets go? And yes, 530 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,199 Speaker 1: pain may come a little bit more to you and 531 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,760 Speaker 1: you may end up feeling a little bit more hurt 532 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:56,600 Speaker 1: in life through it, but having this process of constantly 533 00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:59,960 Speaker 1: being able to forgive and move forward I think helps 534 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:04,359 Speaker 1: to go through life feeling a lot lighter. Sending your 535 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:06,359 Speaker 1: so much love. If you are someone who's been through 536 00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:08,800 Speaker 1: a lot of difficult times in your life, I am 537 00:26:08,960 --> 00:26:11,440 Speaker 1: saying a prayer for you in my mind, whoever you are. 538 00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,080 Speaker 1: I hope that you make it through this forgiveness journey. 539 00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:17,480 Speaker 1: I hope that it's easier than you thought it was 540 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:19,159 Speaker 1: going to be. And if it is really difficult, I 541 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:21,919 Speaker 1: hope you have the support and the love and the 542 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:23,840 Speaker 1: care that you need around you. There are so many 543 00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:27,159 Speaker 1: amazing places and therapists that people can go to to 544 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,520 Speaker 1: help you through this work. I'll try and share some 545 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:31,919 Speaker 1: of those things on a really good cry when we 546 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,080 Speaker 1: release this episode. So a bit of a heavy topic 547 00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:36,239 Speaker 1: wasn't it, But sending you so much love and I 548 00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:38,200 Speaker 1: hope you guys have such a wonderful week