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Speaker 1: Welcome to the ten Minute Storyteller. That's me Bill Simpson,

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Speaker 1: your host, narrator, and author. We hear at the ten

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Speaker 1: Minute Storyteller endeavor to entertain you with tall tales or

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Speaker 1: rendered swiftly and with the utmost empathy. We pledge to

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Speaker 1: pack as much entertainment, emotion, and exploration into the human

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Speaker 1: condition as ten minutes will permit. Mini novels on steroids.

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Speaker 1: This week we meet Ace. Ace's girlfriend decided it might

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Speaker 1: be fun to vacation in Israel enjoy some of the

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Speaker 1: ancient sites mentioned in the Bible, so off they went. Unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: some bad timing, along with some very bad luck, turned

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Speaker 1: that vacation into a nightmare of biblical proportions. Civil War.

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Speaker 1: Ace was condemned to die, just like a few minutes ago,

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Speaker 1: die by firing squad, and this despite his insistence that

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Speaker 1: he'd done absolutely nothing wrong. Dude, come on, I was

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Speaker 1: just like in the wrong place at the wrong time,

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Speaker 1: he tells the judge, who isn't a judge but just

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Speaker 1: a pretend colonel in charge of a pretend battalion in

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Speaker 1: a pretend army fighting a very real war with real

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Speaker 1: guns supplied by Iran against a very real enemy that

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Speaker 1: gets its guns from America. I'm not even a Jew,

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Speaker 1: Ace tells the judge next. I'm not anything. I'm not

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Speaker 1: a Jew or a gentile, or a Muslim, or an

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Speaker 1: atheist or even an agnostic. I'm not anything. I'm nothing.

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Speaker 1: I don't believe in, Dick. I'm serious, dude, I'm an

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Speaker 1: American living in Brooklyn. I spend like ten or twelve

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Speaker 1: bucks a day on flavored coffee beverages. That's how much

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Speaker 1: of a believer I am when I go and drink

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Speaker 1: after work. Get this, twelve bucks for a twelve ounce

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Speaker 1: glass of beer supposedly made by Trappist monks in some

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Speaker 1: Belgium abbey, which of course is likely total bullshit. But still,

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Speaker 1: I stand there several nights a week and drink two

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Speaker 1: or three of those babies without fail. Trappist monks shit,

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Speaker 1: probably the swills made in the Budweiser factory over in Newark. Okay,

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Speaker 1: are you finished, asks the fake judge. No, no, no,

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Speaker 1: I'm not not, not really. I mean, come on, you

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Speaker 1: dudes are mad at the Jews because they treat you

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Speaker 1: like dirty dogs, And hey, hey, I get that. I

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Speaker 1: one hundred percent get it. Get I guess I get

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Speaker 1: their side too. I mean, I mean those some bitches

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Speaker 1: have been persecuted for like for like a million years

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Speaker 1: since since before Jesus. I mean, shit, man, the final solution.

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Speaker 1: If it hadn't happened, Stephen King would have thought it

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Speaker 1: up and put it in one of his nine hundred

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Speaker 1: page novels. Yeah. Sure, okay, I'm just squawking trying to

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Speaker 1: save my sorry high. They get that. But the thing is,

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Speaker 1: the thing is, I'm not a big god guy. I'm

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Speaker 1: just not. I mean, if you're fighting about God, I

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Speaker 1: don't care one way or another. The whole thing. The

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Speaker 1: whole thing's just some big cosmic explosion. Maybe maybe it's

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Speaker 1: even a video game. I mean, the fucking world's easily

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Speaker 1: as violent as one, but who knows. I mean, what's

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Speaker 1: the diff Give me, Give me my six weeks vaca,

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Speaker 1: plenty of booze and legal weed and ed meds plus

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Speaker 1: the heart meds to keep me ticking till I'm ninety

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Speaker 1: or one hundred, even if I don't exercise and I

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Speaker 1: eat like shit. And dude, let me tell you, I'm golden,

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Speaker 1: happy as a clam on a Carolina mudflat until this.

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Speaker 1: I mean this is a flip of nightmare. Okay, are

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Speaker 1: you finished now? I've issued my verdict and announced your sentence,

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Speaker 1: and I've given you a chance to speak. Now I

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Speaker 1: would like to move on. There are many other cases

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Speaker 1: besides yours. No, just wait a second, this, just wait.

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Speaker 1: The whole thing really was a misunderstanding, a terrible misunderstanding,

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Speaker 1: and it just happened to all go down with some

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Speaker 1: extraordinarily bad timing, bad luck, and some bad players. Ace

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Speaker 1: wanted to go to Italy, to Tuscany, drink wine and eat, eat, eat, Oh,

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Speaker 1: how we love to eat. Maybe maybe look at some art, maybe,

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Speaker 1: but probably not take a walk through the vineyards. She

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Speaker 1: didn't want to go to Italy, I've been a thousand times.

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Speaker 1: So they thought about Portugal, Greece, Spain. What about Israel,

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Speaker 1: she sang, I've never been to Israel, and I've always

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Speaker 1: wanted to go all that ancient history Geese. I'd rather

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Speaker 1: go to Camden. But because they always drank like fish

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Speaker 1: and had the most raucous sex whenever they traveled abroad,

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Speaker 1: he like the good lapdog. He was signed up for

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Speaker 1: Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, Nazareth and a dip in the super

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Speaker 1: salty Dead sea, and just for fun, they added on

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Speaker 1: a two day music festival at some kibbutz in the

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Speaker 1: south near Reme. I'm so glad we added the kibbutz,

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Speaker 1: she said on the flight from Kennedy to Bengarion. I

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Speaker 1: am really looking forward to an authentic Israeli experience. Not

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Speaker 1: very softly, Ace whispered in her ear at forty thousand feet,

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Speaker 1: truth be told, honey, Bunny, I've always all my life

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Speaker 1: wanted to screw out of kibbutz. I don't know why,

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Speaker 1: but it just seems like it'll be an absolutely fantastic

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Speaker 1: place to fornicate. And now well, now she's dead, first raped,

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Speaker 1: then beaten, then decapitated. And she wasn't even Jewish. Well,

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Speaker 1: one of her grandmothers might have been part Jewish, but

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Speaker 1: who knew, who cared, No one knew, No one cared.

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Speaker 1: Gentiles are just Jews who think there's something magical about Jesus.

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Speaker 1: But no matter how you add it all up here,

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Speaker 1: he is apathetic. Brooklyn boy a po w in the

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Speaker 1: hands of Hamas, an organization he knows less about than

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Speaker 1: thermonuclear physics. He was a half assed business major in college,

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Speaker 1: for God's sake, with a minor in finance. Hammas shit,

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Speaker 1: Ace thinks, well, at least he thought until about an

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Speaker 1: hour ago that it was something you spread on peta

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Speaker 1: if you didn't eat meat. He'd like to make a

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Speaker 1: run for it, but knows one of these crazed, bearded

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Speaker 1: stooges with the assault rifles will mow him down, just

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Speaker 1: like in the movies. So he does the only thing

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Speaker 1: in life he's even remotely adept at. He starts running

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Speaker 1: his mouth in a final desperate attempt to talk his

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Speaker 1: way out of easily the worst jam of his life. Okay, okay, look,

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Speaker 1: he tells the fake judge. Look, I get it, I

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Speaker 1: totally get it. You slipped over the border, made some

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Speaker 1: war on your enemy, took some hostages, and okay, you

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Speaker 1: slaughtered a few folks, a few folks, I know you did.

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Speaker 1: You slaughtered a few folks, including okay, yeah, my girlfriend.

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Speaker 1: But hey, look, my grandfather he fought in World War

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Speaker 1: two against the Nazis, so I know as well as

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Speaker 1: the next guy. Some wars are, you know, justified. But

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Speaker 1: I just want you to remember, I'm an American, dude.

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Speaker 1: I'm an American traveling on an American passport. You seriously,

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Speaker 1: don't want to be killing Americans. I mean, you start

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Speaker 1: killing innocent Americans, and I shit you not, the full

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Speaker 1: and glorious wrath of the American war machine will descend

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Speaker 1: upon you like flies on dung. The fake judge smiles,

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Speaker 1: you are quite a talker, young man, quite a talker.

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Speaker 1: Maybe CIA or NSSA. No Christ, dude, no no way.

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Speaker 1: I work for Chase. I chase the money, Bro, that's it.

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Speaker 1: Chase the cash. That's God country and Mom to me,

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Speaker 1: chase in the cash. You use an interesting phrase, young man,

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Speaker 1: says the fake judge. Innocent Americans. I ask you, does

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Speaker 1: such an animal exist? Sure? Sure, sure it does, Judge,

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Speaker 1: you're looking at one innocent as a lamb. The fake

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Speaker 1: judge shakes his head and says, I think any innocent

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Speaker 1: Americans who one day might have existed have gone extinct.

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Speaker 1: You are all guilty of more heinous crimes than I

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Speaker 1: can shake a stick at. No. No, no, no, no, no

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Speaker 1: no no no no no. You got me all wrong. Uh.

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Speaker 1: I'm totally non political, totally disengaged, don't care dick about

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Speaker 1: about Dick. Just give me my porn hub and my

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Speaker 1: prime video. Baby. I mean, bro, seriously, I went to

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Speaker 1: some lousy public school, didn't learn dick. Then off to

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Speaker 1: some state university where I drank and got laid and

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Speaker 1: smoked ope and continued to not learn dick. And then

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Speaker 1: and then I got this mindless job that pays me

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Speaker 1: crazy amounts of money to buy a bunch of shit

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Speaker 1: I don't need or want, but buy anyway. I mean, ah,

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Speaker 1: I'm just telling you I'm harmless, dude. I am harmless,

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Speaker 1: entirely innocuous. Like let like a wart on your finger.

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Speaker 1: Sure it's there, Okay, it's there, but it doesn't do anything.

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Speaker 1: It just takes up space. You have been found guilty

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Speaker 1: of conspiring against the State of Palestine. You will be

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Speaker 1: put to death immediately next case. And the fake judge

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Speaker 1: bangs the butt of his revolver on his beat up

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Speaker 1: wooden desk in the makeshift courtroom under the large canvas tent. No no, no, no, no, Jesus,

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Speaker 1: come on, wait just yesterday, no earlier today, just this morning,

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Speaker 1: before the massacre. I heard this tour guide. He was talking.

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Speaker 1: He was giving a lecture about history. He said, he said,

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Speaker 1: Jews and Palestinians, they're like, I mean, you're like you

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Speaker 1: have like exactly the same DNA. You people, you're like

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Speaker 1: fucking brothers. The fake judge bangs the butt of his

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Speaker 1: revolver again. Next case, get him out of here before

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Speaker 1: I shoot him myself. Wait, wait, wait, just tell me,

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Speaker 1: tell you what? Why are you also hell bent on

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Speaker 1: killing each other? The fake judge smirks, considers the question

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Speaker 1: and says, you know, at ann Arbor many years ago,

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Speaker 1: I asked my history professor the same question about your

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Speaker 1: American Civil War? Why were you so hell bent on

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Speaker 1: killing each other? Civil War? What are you talking about?

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Speaker 1: Civil war? Yes, says the fake judge. The professor said, no,

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Speaker 1: hate runs as deep as the hate between brothers. You Americans,

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Speaker 1: You Americans, you'll no doubt be slaughtering one another again

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Speaker 1: very soon. Next case, Hey, thanks for listening to this

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Speaker 1: original audio presentation of Civil War narrated by the author.

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Speaker 1: If you enjoy today's story, please take a few seconds

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Speaker 1: to rate, review, and subscribe to this podcast, and then

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Speaker 1: go to Thomas William Simpson dot com for additional information

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Speaker 1: about the author and to view his extensive canon. The

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Speaker 1: ten Minute Storyteller is produced by Andrew Pleglici and Josh

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Speaker 1: Colodney and as part of the Elvis Duran podcast Network

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Speaker 1: in partnership with iHeart Productions. Until next time, this is

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Speaker 1: Bill Simpson, your ten minute storyteller,