Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, and welcome back to
Speaker 1: the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners.
Speaker 1: Wherever you are in the world, it is so great
Speaker 1: to have you here back for another episode as we
Speaker 1: have cause break down the psychology of our twenties. I
Speaker 1: hope you've all been well, that something I don't know
Speaker 1: special or joyous has happened in your life recently, and
Speaker 1: that you are prepared and ready to get into this
Speaker 1: particularly philosophical episode or topic. Today we're talking about success, specifically,
Speaker 1: of course, success in our twenties, and it's time for
Speaker 1: us as a generation, as a society to rethink what
Speaker 1: it truly means to be a successful individual and why
Speaker 1: it might be time to move past some of the
Speaker 1: traditional and limiting ways of thinking about achievement and accolades
Speaker 1: and to an extent, happiness. How can we truly be
Speaker 1: successful in our twenties without getting bogged down in comparison
Speaker 1: what others think of us doing it? For other people
Speaker 1: feeling like we have something to prove, what is actually
Speaker 1: truly worthwhile to pursue and to care about. In this decade,
Speaker 1: this has been one of my brain's favorite go to
Speaker 1: topics to overthink about in the last few weeks, last
Speaker 1: few months as well, because quite frankly, I've been feeling
Speaker 1: very overwhelmed is someone still in my twenties by the
Speaker 1: direction of my career, And by the direction of my career,
Speaker 1: I mean to a large extent, this podcast. And I'm
Speaker 1: going to break the fourth wall for a second and
Speaker 1: just say, you know, I absolutely love doing the show.
Speaker 1: It is so purposeful to me. It aligns with who
Speaker 1: I am. It aligns with what I believe deeply about
Speaker 1: the human spirit and about the power of psychology and
Speaker 1: the power of information to heal. But I do miss
Speaker 1: the time in my life when I was only doing
Speaker 1: it out of pure passion and love. The podcast is
Speaker 1: now my full time job, and so there are a
Speaker 1: lot of additional elements to think about. You know, how
Speaker 1: do I make money from this? Am I getting enough listens?
Speaker 1: And biggest of all, how can I be successful? And
Speaker 1: what does that success mean? Does it mean publicity, does
Speaker 1: it mean recognition or does it actually mean having real
Speaker 1: impact and zooming out a little bit, touching some grass,
Speaker 1: having a bit of perspective, and actually just separating myself
Speaker 1: from my job and being a happy person. Is that
Speaker 1: what actually makes you a successful individual? Having a deep
Speaker 1: and meaningful connection to what you're doing, Yes, but also
Speaker 1: a connection to who you are, what you actually enjoy
Speaker 1: in life, and who you are beyond your career, beyond
Speaker 1: your work, beyond what other people may be seeing. I
Speaker 1: think I've been focusing on the wrong things and it's
Speaker 1: rubbed me of a little bit of joy. And you know,
Speaker 1: as a group, as twenty somethings, we are have become
Speaker 1: very consumed with being impressive. And is that constant pursuit
Speaker 1: of success actually making us less happy and less centered
Speaker 1: as a generation because we are too fixated on what
Speaker 1: our life looks like versus what our life contains. As
Speaker 1: you can probably tell, there has been a real mental
Speaker 1: tug of war for me and last week and I
Speaker 1: booked this beautiful airbnb in the mountains just to get away,
Speaker 1: did some soul searching, did some digging, and came to
Speaker 1: some conclusions about what it means to I don't know,
Speaker 1: have the achievements, have the accolades, be happy with your
Speaker 1: life beyond the frills and the excess of what we
Speaker 1: think success looks like. So I'm very excited for this episode.
Speaker 1: If you like more of our chatty, deep thinker style
Speaker 1: topics that fear into more of the existential philosophical conversations,
Speaker 1: obviously still with a healthy dose of psychology, you are
Speaker 1: going to love this topic. So, without further ado, let's
Speaker 1: get into how we can be truly successful in our
Speaker 1: twenties and what success actually means At its core, being
Speaker 1: successful feels really important for a lot of us during
Speaker 1: this decade. It's definitely up there, I think with some
Speaker 1: of our bigger anxieties about the future. You know, how
Speaker 1: do I set up my life during this chapter to
Speaker 1: be impressive and to be secure later on? I think
Speaker 1: our fixation on this obviously comes from a place of
Speaker 1: wanting certainty. Right, if I'm successful in my attorneys, I'll
Speaker 1: probably be successful in my thirties and beyond, which means
Speaker 1: I won't have to worry about money, I won't have
Speaker 1: to worry about having something to do, I won't have
Speaker 1: to worry about feeling behind. So that self preservation is
Speaker 1: one element of it. But I also think that our
Speaker 1: you know, excessive fascination and fixation with success also comes
Speaker 1: from a place of ego, wanting to feel important in
Speaker 1: the world, and that sense of importance is impacted by
Speaker 1: what society tells us is valuable and what makes someone
Speaker 1: again an important person, someone to look to, someone to
Speaker 1: feel proud of or maybe even envious of in a
Speaker 1: sense spoiler alert. The people who we typically see is successful,
Speaker 1: you know, It's normally not that they are a kind
Speaker 1: person or that they have a lot of good memories.
Speaker 1: It's not that they are led by purpose, or that
Speaker 1: they're acting small, or that they're just a nice, happy person.
Speaker 1: It's typically a lot more materialistic and grander than that.
Speaker 1: What makes someone important and therefore successful comes down to
Speaker 1: being the best at something, having a lot of money,
Speaker 1: getting a lot of attention or recognition, having something to
Speaker 1: your name. I'm going to ask you to picture a
Speaker 1: successful person for a second. I'm guessing your mind probably
Speaker 1: went to someone like Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos, or
Speaker 1: a celebrity like Taylor Swift or Beyonce. That is not
Speaker 1: an accident. The image of success that we have is
Speaker 1: again very limited, very exaggerated, but also very individualistic and
Speaker 1: closely aligned with fame. You know, what can you achieve,
Speaker 1: what have you done, What level of attention do you
Speaker 1: receive for your hard work? What kind of money have
Speaker 1: you made? Maybe this also comes down to celebrity worship
Speaker 1: as well. If you want an amazing podcast specifically on
Speaker 1: this topic, you need to listen to Amanda Montell's podcast
Speaker 1: Magical Overthinkers, where she talks about this and she talks
Speaker 1: about how our collective obsession with celebrities and the parasocial
Speaker 1: relationship that we have with them has collectively made us
Speaker 1: feel more compelled or attracted by the idea of fame
Speaker 1: and perhaps less satisfied with an ordinary life. And you
Speaker 1: want to know something fascinating. A study run in twenty
Speaker 1: twenty two showed that people who are more drawn into
Speaker 1: celebrity worship often do report feeling less satisfied with what
Speaker 1: they've accomplished, and they do also believe that they would
Speaker 1: be happier if they were more like the celebrities that
Speaker 1: they see or that they were famous. So again, our
Speaker 1: perception of what makes someone successful is very exclusive and
Speaker 1: very narrow, and very much reserved for the best of
Speaker 1: the best something that you know, unfortunately we can't or
Speaker 1: be I think this is also elevated by our you know,
Speaker 1: this new wave I guess of online success and media
Speaker 1: success and social media success, where anyone can become recognizable
Speaker 1: or popular by posting from their bedroom. And so this
Speaker 1: idea that we could all be notable, that we could
Speaker 1: all be popular, that we could all have this kind
Speaker 1: of online huge life is a lot more available to us,
Speaker 1: and a lot of us are leaning into that self
Speaker 1: promotion even if you are kind of detached from social media,
Speaker 1: and how social media hype is really feeding into our
Speaker 1: you know, obsession with success. If you're in the corporate
Speaker 1: world right just you're like equivalent of LinkedIn, there is
Speaker 1: a cultural shift even on that platform towards self promotion,
Speaker 1: like what are my successes? What is my worth? If
Speaker 1: someone else cannot see it, if someone else cannot judge
Speaker 1: me by it, if someone else is not impressed. We're
Speaker 1: looking externally for that confirmation that what we're doing is
Speaker 1: that we're enough, that we're pushing ourselves enough, rather than
Speaker 1: trusting our compass for a what we actually care about,
Speaker 1: be what we actually want to be doing, and see
Speaker 1: whether we're enjoying ourselves. When success becomes so individually focused,
Speaker 1: it really does put a lot of pressure on us
Speaker 1: to be working harder and to be elevating ourselves in
Speaker 1: comparison to others, because success starts to feel very competitive,
Speaker 1: very glamorous, rather than collaborative and simple. It's not about
Speaker 1: how happy you are, it's not about what you do
Speaker 1: for your community. It's not about how you give back
Speaker 1: and what the world needs. But how how do you
Speaker 1: make yourself feel impressive in this space? And let me
Speaker 1: just say this is not a criticism. I definitely buy
Speaker 1: into this all the time, that success equals self promotion
Speaker 1: and success equals image. But I also think that that
Speaker 1: is contributing to a lot of mental and emotional sequences
Speaker 1: for this group of people, this age group. Firstly, when
Speaker 1: we're not meeting the criteria for a conventionally successful life,
Speaker 1: or you don't feel like a successful twenty something, it
Speaker 1: really makes us feel quite behind and therefore like a failure.
Speaker 1: Because we've been taught not to value ourselves as a person,
Speaker 1: but to value yourself based on output and what you
Speaker 1: can produce and how talented or impressive you are. And
Speaker 1: a unique kind of anxiety follows on from that right,
Speaker 1: known as milestone anxiety. We have a whole episode on
Speaker 1: this from a few years ago, but for a refresher,
Speaker 1: Milestone anxiety is a relatively new concept within the psychology space,
Speaker 1: where we tend to experience a certain dread panic that
Speaker 1: a we are not where we want to be in
Speaker 1: life and b where not where others are in their lives.
Speaker 1: There was a poll done on this very subject actually
Speaker 1: earlier this year, and it asked around two thousand hours
Speaker 1: in the UK whether they were where they wanted to
Speaker 1: be in life or meeting what they saw as success milestones.
Speaker 1: Around eighty percent of them said no, and as a
Speaker 1: follow up, they said that they felt a huge sense
Speaker 1: of pressure to be further ahead and achieving more than
Speaker 1: they had at this stage. If only twenty percent of
Speaker 1: people in their twenties or in early adulthood feel like
Speaker 1: they are at a point where they can say that
Speaker 1: they are proud and comfortable in what they've achieved, that
Speaker 1: they are, you know, a good person and impressive person,
Speaker 1: maybe our notions of what makes for a successful life
Speaker 1: are incorrect because it should not be excluding that many people,
Speaker 1: nearly no one is feeling like they measure up, which
Speaker 1: is probably a good reminder that if you are also
Speaker 1: feeling that way, you're actually part of the majority. Our
Speaker 1: limited view of success, that individualistic, very glamorous, heightened, exaggerated,
Speaker 1: grand public ideas success is not one that most people
Speaker 1: can achieve, but it leaves most people feeling miserable that
Speaker 1: they can't. Now. If you're someone who is an overachiever,
Speaker 1: a perfectionist, perhaps you grew up being labeled as a
Speaker 1: golden or a gifted child, a straight a student, you're
Speaker 1: probably going to be more influenced by the pressure to
Speaker 1: be successful in your twenties than most A large facet
Speaker 1: of your identity, if you do see yourself as one
Speaker 1: of those people, is most likely derived from performing above
Speaker 1: the standard, from being admired or praised for your hard work,
Speaker 1: being able to push yourself harder than anyone else. A
Speaker 1: lot of individuals who grew up as overachievers find that
Speaker 1: the only way they can now tell if they're doing
Speaker 1: something that is valuable, or if they're even happy with
Speaker 1: what they're doing, is through external reinforcement. Because our internal
Speaker 1: system for judging whether something is worthwhile, whether we actually
Speaker 1: care about something, is broken. We are so used to
Speaker 1: being praised, recognized, told we're good, and that is the fuel,
Speaker 1: that is the motivation to keep going with something. So
Speaker 1: when we no longer have that, when we get into
Speaker 1: our mid our late twenties, we've kind of exited like
Speaker 1: the education system. We're kind of more responsible for our
Speaker 1: daily lives and our daily work without having someone telling
Speaker 1: us what to do praising what we do. It can
Speaker 1: actually lead to a very broken sense of self. I'm
Speaker 1: no longer the best, I am no longer good, i
Speaker 1: am no longer achieving things with this within a certain
Speaker 1: structure the way that they that I always have, And
Speaker 1: that can mean that we start to doubt our career choices.
Speaker 1: We feel like because we're not getting immediate feedback on things,
Speaker 1: that we're a failure, that we're not doing well, and
Speaker 1: we struggle to take self motivated risks. You know, because
Speaker 1: whether you're starting in your business, maybe you are pursuing
Speaker 1: social media, putting everything into a passion project, there will
Speaker 1: be times when you just have to follow your gut
Speaker 1: and you have to just believe in your goals without
Speaker 1: anyone encouraging you. But when we have this huge fixation
Speaker 1: on success, but we also really crave external validation for
Speaker 1: everything that we're doing. We're not always going to get that,
Speaker 1: and so our extrinsic motivation system becomes broken. We feel
Speaker 1: like if we're not constantly being told like, yep, that's good,
Speaker 1: yet you're doing really, really well, what are we even doing?
Speaker 1: Who even are we without? Without that praise? It's a sickness, really,
Speaker 1: And as we get older, it can be hard to
Speaker 1: shake that productivity success driven instinct because again that's what
Speaker 1: we relied upon for most of our lives to bring
Speaker 1: us confidence, bring our self esteem, self worth, and a purpose. So,
Speaker 1: if you want some further reading on this, an article
Speaker 1: that I could not recommend enough. It was written by
Speaker 1: this publication called The School of Life, and it's titled
Speaker 1: The Secret Sorrow of Overachievers, and it talks about how
Speaker 1: as overachievers, childhood overachievers, teenage overachievers, age, they find it
Speaker 1: very difficult to appreciate their wins in life. They talk
Speaker 1: about how our hunger for stereotypical success feeds the burnout cycle,
Speaker 1: it feeds our imposter syndrome, and of course the external
Speaker 1: validation dependency. But also, and this is crucial, it also
Speaker 1: creates an inability to ever enjoy the moments when we
Speaker 1: do feel like we've reached our goals. It's never enough,
Speaker 1: you know. The author kind of puts forward this proposition
Speaker 1: of like, and I don't even think this is just overachievers,
Speaker 1: but can any of us taste success once and not
Speaker 1: get addicted? Is this not such something that we all
Speaker 1: crave to be seen and acknowledged as being good. Let
Speaker 1: me introduce you to this concept called gold medal syndrome,
Speaker 1: because when we talk about, you know, is success ever enough?
Speaker 1: This comes into it a lot. So obviously, the Olympics
Speaker 1: has just finished and we've seen that, you know a
Speaker 1: lot of people win gold medals, athletes who work their
Speaker 1: entire lives, sometimes for less than ten seconds. And obviously
Speaker 1: losing is awful. It sucks. You don't want to go
Speaker 1: to the Olympics and lose. But even for the people
Speaker 1: who win, they face this psychological phenomenon where upon getting
Speaker 1: everything that they ever wanted, upon being at the top
Speaker 1: of the podium, the literal top of the podium, they
Speaker 1: are deeply, deeply unhappy. And what's actually happening here is
Speaker 1: something called the hedonic treadmill. We tend to think that success,
Speaker 1: that being the best, that being impressive, that being you
Speaker 1: know better than everyone else, or doing something really really
Speaker 1: cool that people think is really really cool is going
Speaker 1: to make us really happy, and to an extent it does.
Speaker 1: But also after we achieve these huge things, these huge milestones,
Speaker 1: we tend to return to a pretty stable level of happiness.
Speaker 1: The myth that people get really hurt by is that
Speaker 1: being successful is somehow going to transform your life, transform
Speaker 1: your emotional state, and that you will never be miserable again.
Speaker 1: But actually a lot of successful people in the world
Speaker 1: are gravely unhappy. Many successful professionals struggle to enjoy their
Speaker 1: accomplishments because it becomes their entire life, because they really
Speaker 1: elevate how it's going to feel to reach the finish line,
Speaker 1: and when they get there, it's actually quite miserable because
Speaker 1: they often neglect a lot of other parts of their
Speaker 1: life and they realize that being impressive and is really
Speaker 1: not what life is all about. There was a study
Speaker 1: done by UCLA a couple of years back, and it
Speaker 1: found that about seventy two percent of successful entrepreneurs seventy
Speaker 1: two percent, I just want you to remember that number.
Speaker 1: They suffer from at least one mental health concern. A
Speaker 1: lot of them actually have increased rates of depression. You know,
Speaker 1: I think I don't know what the number is now.
Speaker 1: I think it's one in three or maybe yeah, one
Speaker 1: in three people will have some kind of mental health
Speaker 1: concern in their life. That's around thirty three percent, seventy
Speaker 1: two percent, seventy two percent of people who are really
Speaker 1: in this success obsessive, success driven world feel that more intensely.
Speaker 1: And CEOs. The same study said that CEOs, some of
Speaker 1: the most successful people in the world, may be depressed
Speaker 1: at more than double the rate of the public at large.
Speaker 1: And here is my main point, and here's why I
Speaker 1: think we need to rethink this concept. Success is a
Speaker 1: very shallow thing to base your life meaning on. And
Speaker 1: when we are so focused on achieving some goal or
Speaker 1: having this external image of being the person that has
Speaker 1: it all, being disciplined, often you miss out on doing
Speaker 1: things for the sake of just enjoying them, or doing things,
Speaker 1: you know, pursuing a career a life path because that's
Speaker 1: what you feel called towards, because that's what you actually
Speaker 1: care about. Here's the other aspect of this, and I
Speaker 1: know this is going to contradict a lot of what
Speaker 1: I've said, But you know, most of the most successful
Speaker 1: people in the world are actually those who started out
Speaker 1: for themselves, who did it from a place of pure enjoyment,
Speaker 1: not for accolades, not for wealth, not for recognition, but
Speaker 1: because being good at something requires being committed to it
Speaker 1: from a place of deep personal value, enjoyment, pleasure and care,
Speaker 1: and just actually feeling that even if no one else
Speaker 1: could see what you were doing, you would still be
Speaker 1: doing it. And here's why that's often the case, and
Speaker 1: why I think that really undermines our initial perception of success.
Speaker 1: We think that the end goal is the thing that
Speaker 1: will motivate us all along. Actually it's the process. And
Speaker 1: this first concept I want to talk about is called
Speaker 1: learned industriousness, and it refers to a phenomena whereby people
Speaker 1: who are very successful, who succeed in businesses, who succeed
Speaker 1: in sports, in music, they are the people who fell
Speaker 1: in love with the process and the act of doing
Speaker 1: rather than the outcome. This is backed up by another concept,
Speaker 1: another idea called flow. Now, we talk about the flow
Speaker 1: state a lot, but in case you haven't heard of
Speaker 1: it before, you haven't called it in a past episode
Speaker 1: Flow is basically a heightened state of consciousness when you're
Speaker 1: doing something that you equally love, that equally challenges you,
Speaker 1: excites you, and it basically puts you in the zone
Speaker 1: and you feel fulfilled afterwards. Your flow state is often
Speaker 1: what indicates your calling right because you could sit there
Speaker 1: and do this thing for hours, not get bored, not
Speaker 1: get tired, feel fulfilled, feel not the opposite of exhausted,
Speaker 1: to feel exhilarated. Now, flow is not the concept I'm
Speaker 1: talking about. What I want to talk about is how
Speaker 1: they discovered flow and if you listen to the Ted
Speaker 1: talk given back in two thousand and eight by the
Speaker 1: creator of this concept, professor Mahali sin Semahali, he interviewed
Speaker 1: Ballerina's CEOs, chess players, elite cyclists, people who are incredibly,
Speaker 1: incredibly talented and good at what they do, and what
Speaker 1: he found was that the one thing they had in
Speaker 1: common was that, again, these people just really loved what
Speaker 1: they were doing, and they weren't doing it for the acknowledgment.
Speaker 1: They weren't doing it for image, for publicity, for sponsors,
Speaker 1: for money. They were doing it because this is the
Speaker 1: thing that lit their fire. True success comes down to
Speaker 1: feeling purposeful, feeling aligned with a mission, feeling aligned with
Speaker 1: a value of some sort, and genuinely just enjoying what
Speaker 1: you're doing, like actually sinking your teeth into life, into
Speaker 1: what you really love and what really sets you alight,
Speaker 1: and just doing it regardless of what other people are thinking.
Speaker 1: And I think that that is the huge switch that
Speaker 1: we need to make, the huge, the huge understanding that
Speaker 1: we need to switch from thinking about success is something
Speaker 1: that is done for others and something that is praised
Speaker 1: by others, something that has an image to it. Instead
Speaker 1: think about success as something that only you would care about,
Speaker 1: that only you truly know the meaning of and truly love.
Speaker 1: So I want to say this, you know, if you're
Speaker 1: feeling behind, if you don't feel like you're taking a
Speaker 1: life path that is expected of you, or that you're
Speaker 1: not pursuing success in a traditional way, if your dreams
Speaker 1: aren't going to make you famous, aren't going to give
Speaker 1: you headlines, aren't going to you know, I don't know,
Speaker 1: aren't going to put you on like a public stage,
Speaker 1: You're probably actually doing what's right and you aren't missing out.
Speaker 1: In fact, I think you're closer to what true success
Speaker 1: looks like for most of us, which is actually joy
Speaker 1: and energy and love and just value and passion. I
Speaker 1: really want to talk about how we can actually find
Speaker 1: more of that and how we can truly be successful
Speaker 1: in our twenties with that more evolved understanding. So let's
Speaker 1: take a shot break, let me grab a glass of water,
Speaker 1: let me catch my breath, and we'll be back shortly.
Speaker 1: If we stop focusing on being successful in our twenties
Speaker 1: or elevating our reputation looking good on LinkedIn being traditionally accomplished,
Speaker 1: what would fill that space? What could we be focused
Speaker 1: on instead? Have a few suggestions. Instead of our twenties
Speaker 1: being about achieving that Wonderkin's status of being the best,
Speaker 1: I think instead our twenties could be focused on experimentation,
Speaker 1: giving yourself three to four startovers, to try new things
Speaker 1: and to really search for the thing that gives you
Speaker 1: meaning in life. Our twenties could also be for running
Speaker 1: towards the fear, taking things less seriously, celebrating our mistakes
Speaker 1: what we're learning in the process. Like imagine if instead
Speaker 1: of you know, putting promotions on your resume, you put
Speaker 1: on the times that you failed and you came back
Speaker 1: from it or what you learned. More than that, I
Speaker 1: think how twenties should also be about having fun, And
Speaker 1: I know that it's such a simplistic and shallow maybe
Speaker 1: for some of your way of saying things. But if
Speaker 1: this decade isn't about having fun, like, what's it actually about.
Speaker 1: If it's not about making memories that guide yourself and
Speaker 1: guide you to who you really are, when are you
Speaker 1: actually going to have time to do that with the
Speaker 1: level of self awareness that you have now? Maybe this
Speaker 1: is my biggest problem with our current conception of what
Speaker 1: makes for an important and lucrative life. It makes everything
Speaker 1: so much less fun because you are constantly in a
Speaker 1: mindset of competition and comparison, needing to assess what others
Speaker 1: are doing and whether you are measuring up to that standard,
Speaker 1: and often comparing yourself to the lives of people who
Speaker 1: we've already revealed may not actually be that happy, but
Speaker 1: because it looks that way from the outside, it feels
Speaker 1: like something that we want. As a result, I think
Speaker 1: that there is an over tone of seriousness that settles
Speaker 1: over this time in our lives well before it should,
Speaker 1: when actually we should be very unseriousness, unseriousness, unserious in
Speaker 1: certain aspects and areas of our lives to make the
Speaker 1: most of this period of freedom, but to also set
Speaker 1: upon a self discovery journey. What I really want for
Speaker 1: us is to kind of swap the isolation and the
Speaker 1: comparison and the flamboyance of traditional success for community, for
Speaker 1: self knowledge, for discovery, and for value, to be truly
Speaker 1: successful in our twenties, and to tap into that life
Speaker 1: source that we were talking about before. There are three
Speaker 1: things that I think we need to focus on instead of,
Speaker 1: or in parallel to, getting ahead in our careers and
Speaker 1: our finances whatever. Firstly is figuring out your sense of
Speaker 1: self and really finding your deep in a pool of
Speaker 1: authenticity to draw from. Secondly is building strong relationships that
Speaker 1: you can rely on in the decades to come. And
Speaker 1: three is learning through experience and failure and being okay
Speaker 1: with not doing everything perfectly, but just doing it. When
Speaker 1: I see my friends who are really setting themselves up
Speaker 1: for an amazing bright future for security and purpose, they
Speaker 1: all have those three things in common. They have a
Speaker 1: sense of who they are, they have a network, and
Speaker 1: they have a flexible mindset that allows them to actually
Speaker 1: look at the world see where they're needed, see what
Speaker 1: they want to do and pursue that. They are the
Speaker 1: people I think I feel most envious of, not because
Speaker 1: of the accolades, or because they work eighty hours a
Speaker 1: week or them or they're disciplined, but because these individuals
Speaker 1: who I see in my own life just have this
Speaker 1: serene sense of mission and self assurance that is incredibly admirable.
Speaker 1: And you know, the interesting thing is is that they
Speaker 1: don't even care. They don't even care if I thought
Speaker 1: they were amazing, because they feel it themselves and they
Speaker 1: feel drawn to something without the need for public aca
Speaker 1: knowledgement of it. So let's focus on how we can
Speaker 1: cultivate these things, the self knowledge, the friendship, the openness
Speaker 1: to failure. Building self knowledge means getting clear on where
Speaker 1: your internal compass is naturally leading you. There is a
Speaker 1: huge drawer, I think, at the beginning of our twenties
Speaker 1: or the end of our teen years to big flashy
Speaker 1: careers like doctor, like lawyer, like entrepreneur, because they're impressive,
Speaker 1: because you make a lot of money, because they are
Speaker 1: traditionally seen as people who have it together and who
Speaker 1: are you going places in life. The further we get
Speaker 1: into this decade, though, and I'm not sure if I'm
Speaker 1: the only one who noticed this, but I noticed this
Speaker 1: shift around twenty one and twenty two. People began to
Speaker 1: drop off from those career paths because they begin to
Speaker 1: realize that their heart just isn't in those endeavors. They
Speaker 1: might be doing it for family, because it's impressive, or
Speaker 1: because they are squeezing into this box that their soul
Speaker 1: doesn't fit. And not to make it sound too spiritual,
Speaker 1: but that's how it feels. It feels uncomfortable to be
Speaker 1: pursuing a life that you actually don't even want more
Speaker 1: than you want it. But on a surface level, getting
Speaker 1: to that realization quicker means getting clear on what actually
Speaker 1: inspires you. What you would do if no one was watching,
Speaker 1: not if money was no option. I know that's a
Speaker 1: question and often gets thrown out, but what would you
Speaker 1: do if no one was watching, if no one cared
Speaker 1: about what you were doing for better or for worse?
Speaker 1: And what do I genuinely derive joy from beyond my
Speaker 1: career and as a person. This is basically what we
Speaker 1: would call in therapy and psychology as a self assessment exercise.
Speaker 1: I think we should all be doing it more periodically,
Speaker 1: whereby we stop and we assess not just how we're
Speaker 1: tracking towards conventional traditional goals like financial goals or career goals,
Speaker 1: but how we're tracking towards the broader goal of being
Speaker 1: in touch with ourselves and our lives and how we feel. Obviously,
Speaker 1: I think self knowledge in this decade can be difficult
Speaker 1: because we still are in a transition period. We are
Speaker 1: still developing as individuals, and things do rapidly change. So
Speaker 1: that is why it's important to check in once every
Speaker 1: three months for fifteen minutes. Such a small time investment,
Speaker 1: but to journal, ponder, and think about these three questions.
Speaker 1: I think these three questions in particular really structure this
Speaker 1: self investigation. What do I value the most in my
Speaker 1: life right now? What could I be doing to be
Speaker 1: more aligned with my purpose? And by purpose we mean
Speaker 1: the thing that you would do when Norme was watching,
Speaker 1: the thing that you care about beyond your career. And
Speaker 1: if you are anxious, dissatisfied, uncomfortable, what is the source
Speaker 1: of this feeling and what needs to be amended When
Speaker 1: you don't know yourself and you don't take time to
Speaker 1: care or to listen to your inner desires, perhaps because
Speaker 1: you are really caught up in being productive, in being efficient,
Speaker 1: in being successful. I really do think that you're setting
Speaker 1: yourself on the path for a huge crisis later on.
Speaker 1: And I've seen it time and time again in people's
Speaker 1: lives where they are very consumed by doing what they
Speaker 1: think needs to be done and following a traditional path,
Speaker 1: and there is never a space in that journey for
Speaker 1: self reflection and for really thinking, like what actually makes
Speaker 1: me happy? And so they wake up at thirty thirty
Speaker 1: five forty and they just feel even more lost than
Speaker 1: they would have at twenty twenty five if they had
Speaker 1: sat and reflected. So focus on it now. I also
Speaker 1: think this is a unique time for risk. Some people
Speaker 1: get frustrated when I say this, but I do think
Speaker 1: that our twenties are the easiest time to do the
Speaker 1: things that might not get you further ahead in your
Speaker 1: career but makes sense for you as a person, and
Speaker 1: just kind of give you the chance to say in
Speaker 1: the future, yeah, I did that thing that was part
Speaker 1: of my life store Yeah it was out of character.
Speaker 1: Yes it may not have contributed to me getting ahead
Speaker 1: in life, but I'm happy that I did it. The
Speaker 1: big one people often think of when I say that
Speaker 1: and when I say take risks, make memories in your twenties,
Speaker 1: is travel. Of course, if you're tossing up between do
Speaker 1: I travel or settle into my corporate job and climb
Speaker 1: the ladder, my answer is always going to be travel
Speaker 1: if you have the opportunity, because that is going to
Speaker 1: set such a core foundation for future you who might
Speaker 1: choose to pursue a corporate life. It's not just travel,
Speaker 1: I think it's also things like going back to school
Speaker 1: for something that might not make you a success but
Speaker 1: that you care about, or taking a year to just
Speaker 1: make art or write and work whatever job pays the bills.
Speaker 1: This all gets us closer to understanding what we truly want.
Speaker 1: I think it also takes the pressure off having to
Speaker 1: come up with the answers to what's going to make
Speaker 1: me successful, what's going to make me impressive? What do
Speaker 1: I want to do with my life? So early on,
Speaker 1: this is still a period of exploration, even if society
Speaker 1: is kind of putting, you know, kind of moving back
Speaker 1: the starting blocks a little bit and really putting a
Speaker 1: lot of pressure on the milestones. There is a wealth
Speaker 1: of experiences and knowledge to be collected in your twenties
Speaker 1: that are going to make you more successful in the
Speaker 1: long run. Secondly, friendships our most prized relationships. If you
Speaker 1: feel like you have nothing to show for yourself in
Speaker 1: your twenties, that you're behind the people you went to
Speaker 1: high school with, or your colleagues, or where you expect
Speaker 1: it to be, lean into your relationships and lean into
Speaker 1: your friendships. There is a quote that says, show me
Speaker 1: someone's friends, and I'll tell you how rich they are.
Speaker 1: Not rich in wealth, but rich in connection, intimacy, vulnerability,
Speaker 1: having those kindred spirits to ride through life with. There
Speaker 1: are so many people who have a narrow goal and
Speaker 1: an even narrower focus on how to get there because
Speaker 1: they do think it will give their life more meaning
Speaker 1: to be the big success story. But we know from
Speaker 1: earlier discussions that once they get to that finish line,
Speaker 1: often one of their first thoughts is who do I
Speaker 1: share this with? There is no success without community. The
Speaker 1: relationships that you are devoting yourself to now are the
Speaker 1: things that will also make you successful in your future.
Speaker 1: And so there's another element of this that I want
Speaker 1: to talk about. You can really only grow as far
Speaker 1: as your friendships allow you to. So, yeah, if you
Speaker 1: are someone who wants big things. If you are someone
Speaker 1: who wants a creative life, who wants an adventurous life,
Speaker 1: actually be particular about who you're surrounding yourselves with, because
Speaker 1: I do sometimes think that as much as we want
Speaker 1: companionship and connection, you don't want to be limited by
Speaker 1: someone else's beliefs about what they want from their life.
Speaker 1: Hopefully that's making sense, but I think be selective and
Speaker 1: put time and energy an effort into your friendships and
Speaker 1: see that as something that is a mark of success.
Speaker 1: See that as something that you can say, yeah, I
Speaker 1: am full of wealth as a person. I have achievement.
Speaker 1: I am impressive, I have accolades because my relationships are
Speaker 1: fulfilling and deep and vulnerable and rich. Finally, something else
Speaker 1: that makes you successful in your twenties is an openness
Speaker 1: to failure and being able to adapt and go lightly
Speaker 1: through life. That is what's going to make this a
Speaker 1: pivotal period for you. Each setback teaches resilience, and I
Speaker 1: think adapting from that builds confidence. There is no one
Speaker 1: in life who is going to walk through any period,
Speaker 1: any chapter, any month, even without experiencing something that just
Speaker 1: doesn't sit right, that's inconvenient to them, that makes them
Speaker 1: feel insecure, that makes them feel like a failure. The
Speaker 1: people who get over that far faster and who are
Speaker 1: able to keep pursuing their deep inner calling or the
Speaker 1: thing they care about are the people who are adaptable
Speaker 1: and flexible and who allow room for that in their journey.
Speaker 1: I think that's very hard to do when you're really
Speaker 1: focused on perfection, and you're really focused on making a
Speaker 1: name for yourself and doing it right the first time,
Speaker 1: and you're really focused on how other people perceive your
Speaker 1: journey and how other people are perceiving your successes, take
Speaker 1: a step back from that for a second. This is
Speaker 1: not their life, This is not their journey. You are
Speaker 1: the one who is experiencing your day to day. And
Speaker 1: you know, I saw this amazing quote that the people
Speaker 1: in life who are truly the most successful, who have
Speaker 1: the best businesses, who inspire people who make change, they
Speaker 1: always have the most interesting stories about how they got
Speaker 1: there because they didn't stick strictly to a they put
Speaker 1: themselves on at eighteen or twenty, and they didn't expect
Speaker 1: for everything to go right. They bounce back from failure,
Speaker 1: They accepted it, They made it part of who they
Speaker 1: were becoming. So just a really good reminder and I
Speaker 1: want to just finish this up close off this episode
Speaker 1: by saying, firstly, thank you for listening to me ramble. Obviously,
Speaker 1: this is something that has been on my mind. I'm
Speaker 1: trying to rethink and evolve my own understanding of success
Speaker 1: in this moment alongside you. So if you do have
Speaker 1: any thoughts feelings about this yourself, please let me know.
Speaker 1: But secondly, I really do think that it's time to
Speaker 1: get rid of this confined, outdated model of what a
Speaker 1: successful individual looks like. It is not someone who I
Speaker 1: think is materialistic or who is outwardly the most beautiful,
Speaker 1: most impressive, has the most things to their name. It's
Speaker 1: the person who you look at and you say no.
Speaker 1: That is someone who has a really deep pool of
Speaker 1: inner peace and cares about something and they draw from
Speaker 1: that in any other of their life. And it doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be their job, right It could be someone
Speaker 1: who is like literally working at McDonald's but really cares
Speaker 1: about their athletics career, really cares about making ceramics on
Speaker 1: the weekend. That is someone who knows themselves. That is
Speaker 1: someone who hopefully has a community around them. That is
Speaker 1: someone who is open to failure. Those are true markers
Speaker 1: of success. So thank you so much for listening to
Speaker 1: this episode. I hope it's given you something to think about,
Speaker 1: or that you've learned something from the studies we talked about,
Speaker 1: from the random quotes we threw in there, from my rambling.
Speaker 1: If you enjoyed this episode, if you feel like there's
Speaker 1: someone else in your life who needs to hear it,
Speaker 1: please feel free to share it with them and make
Speaker 1: sure you leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts,
Speaker 1: Spotify wherever you are listening right now and follow along
Speaker 1: for more episodes. I'll give you, guys, some sneak peaks
Speaker 1: on what's coming up next week. We're going to be
Speaker 1: talking about female friendship. We're going to be talking about
Speaker 1: people who are overly sensitive, and sibling relationships and a
Speaker 1: lot more so, lots to be excited about. Hopefully we
Speaker 1: see you back here very soon, and until next time,
Speaker 1: stay safe, stay kind, be gentle with yourself, rethink your
Speaker 1: notions of success, and we will talk soon