1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,600 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, and welcome back to 5 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. 6 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:34,080 Speaker 1: Wherever you are in the world, it is so great 7 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:37,400 Speaker 1: to have you here back for another episode as we 8 00:00:37,479 --> 00:00:40,960 Speaker 1: have cause break down the psychology of our twenties. I 9 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,479 Speaker 1: hope you've all been well, that something I don't know 10 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:46,640 Speaker 1: special or joyous has happened in your life recently, and 11 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,239 Speaker 1: that you are prepared and ready to get into this 12 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:56,120 Speaker 1: particularly philosophical episode or topic. Today we're talking about success, specifically, 13 00:00:56,120 --> 00:01:00,960 Speaker 1: of course, success in our twenties, and it's time for 14 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:04,840 Speaker 1: us as a generation, as a society to rethink what 15 00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:09,920 Speaker 1: it truly means to be a successful individual and why 16 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:13,160 Speaker 1: it might be time to move past some of the 17 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:18,360 Speaker 1: traditional and limiting ways of thinking about achievement and accolades 18 00:01:18,440 --> 00:01:22,720 Speaker 1: and to an extent, happiness. How can we truly be 19 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:26,240 Speaker 1: successful in our twenties without getting bogged down in comparison 20 00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:28,679 Speaker 1: what others think of us doing it? For other people 21 00:01:29,360 --> 00:01:32,040 Speaker 1: feeling like we have something to prove, what is actually 22 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:38,680 Speaker 1: truly worthwhile to pursue and to care about. In this decade, 23 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:42,399 Speaker 1: this has been one of my brain's favorite go to 24 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:45,360 Speaker 1: topics to overthink about in the last few weeks, last 25 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:48,440 Speaker 1: few months as well, because quite frankly, I've been feeling 26 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:51,320 Speaker 1: very overwhelmed is someone still in my twenties by the 27 00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:54,840 Speaker 1: direction of my career, And by the direction of my career, 28 00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:58,000 Speaker 1: I mean to a large extent, this podcast. And I'm 29 00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:01,120 Speaker 1: going to break the fourth wall for a second and 30 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,320 Speaker 1: just say, you know, I absolutely love doing the show. 31 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,480 Speaker 1: It is so purposeful to me. It aligns with who 32 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:10,280 Speaker 1: I am. It aligns with what I believe deeply about 33 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:13,320 Speaker 1: the human spirit and about the power of psychology and 34 00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:17,680 Speaker 1: the power of information to heal. But I do miss 35 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:19,840 Speaker 1: the time in my life when I was only doing 36 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:23,720 Speaker 1: it out of pure passion and love. The podcast is 37 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:26,160 Speaker 1: now my full time job, and so there are a 38 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:29,560 Speaker 1: lot of additional elements to think about. You know, how 39 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:32,080 Speaker 1: do I make money from this? Am I getting enough listens? 40 00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:36,480 Speaker 1: And biggest of all, how can I be successful? And 41 00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:39,440 Speaker 1: what does that success mean? Does it mean publicity, does 42 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:43,120 Speaker 1: it mean recognition or does it actually mean having real 43 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,919 Speaker 1: impact and zooming out a little bit, touching some grass, 44 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:51,480 Speaker 1: having a bit of perspective, and actually just separating myself 45 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:56,200 Speaker 1: from my job and being a happy person. Is that 46 00:02:56,240 --> 00:03:01,280 Speaker 1: what actually makes you a successful individual? Having a deep 47 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,280 Speaker 1: and meaningful connection to what you're doing, Yes, but also 48 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:07,160 Speaker 1: a connection to who you are, what you actually enjoy 49 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:10,400 Speaker 1: in life, and who you are beyond your career, beyond 50 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,960 Speaker 1: your work, beyond what other people may be seeing. I 51 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,640 Speaker 1: think I've been focusing on the wrong things and it's 52 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:20,600 Speaker 1: rubbed me of a little bit of joy. And you know, 53 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:24,320 Speaker 1: as a group, as twenty somethings, we are have become 54 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:28,880 Speaker 1: very consumed with being impressive. And is that constant pursuit 55 00:03:28,919 --> 00:03:32,600 Speaker 1: of success actually making us less happy and less centered 56 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,200 Speaker 1: as a generation because we are too fixated on what 57 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:39,640 Speaker 1: our life looks like versus what our life contains. As 58 00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,680 Speaker 1: you can probably tell, there has been a real mental 59 00:03:42,720 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 1: tug of war for me and last week and I 60 00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,960 Speaker 1: booked this beautiful airbnb in the mountains just to get away, 61 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:51,320 Speaker 1: did some soul searching, did some digging, and came to 62 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:55,440 Speaker 1: some conclusions about what it means to I don't know, 63 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:58,800 Speaker 1: have the achievements, have the accolades, be happy with your 64 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:04,040 Speaker 1: life beyond the frills and the excess of what we 65 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,840 Speaker 1: think success looks like. So I'm very excited for this episode. 66 00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,120 Speaker 1: If you like more of our chatty, deep thinker style 67 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:15,920 Speaker 1: topics that fear into more of the existential philosophical conversations, 68 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,160 Speaker 1: obviously still with a healthy dose of psychology, you are 69 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 1: going to love this topic. So, without further ado, let's 70 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:26,240 Speaker 1: get into how we can be truly successful in our 71 00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:35,440 Speaker 1: twenties and what success actually means At its core, being 72 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,320 Speaker 1: successful feels really important for a lot of us during 73 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:41,560 Speaker 1: this decade. It's definitely up there, I think with some 74 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:44,120 Speaker 1: of our bigger anxieties about the future. You know, how 75 00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:47,240 Speaker 1: do I set up my life during this chapter to 76 00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:50,920 Speaker 1: be impressive and to be secure later on? I think 77 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,599 Speaker 1: our fixation on this obviously comes from a place of 78 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:57,520 Speaker 1: wanting certainty. Right, if I'm successful in my attorneys, I'll 79 00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:01,479 Speaker 1: probably be successful in my thirties and beyond, which means 80 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:03,719 Speaker 1: I won't have to worry about money, I won't have 81 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 1: to worry about having something to do, I won't have 82 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,960 Speaker 1: to worry about feeling behind. So that self preservation is 83 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,640 Speaker 1: one element of it. But I also think that our 84 00:05:13,920 --> 00:05:18,039 Speaker 1: you know, excessive fascination and fixation with success also comes 85 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:21,120 Speaker 1: from a place of ego, wanting to feel important in 86 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:25,240 Speaker 1: the world, and that sense of importance is impacted by 87 00:05:25,279 --> 00:05:29,279 Speaker 1: what society tells us is valuable and what makes someone 88 00:05:29,560 --> 00:05:33,279 Speaker 1: again an important person, someone to look to, someone to 89 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:37,120 Speaker 1: feel proud of or maybe even envious of in a 90 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:41,560 Speaker 1: sense spoiler alert. The people who we typically see is successful, 91 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,960 Speaker 1: you know, It's normally not that they are a kind 92 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:47,120 Speaker 1: person or that they have a lot of good memories. 93 00:05:47,279 --> 00:05:50,159 Speaker 1: It's not that they are led by purpose, or that 94 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:53,960 Speaker 1: they're acting small, or that they're just a nice, happy person. 95 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:58,480 Speaker 1: It's typically a lot more materialistic and grander than that. 96 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:02,919 Speaker 1: What makes someone important and therefore successful comes down to 97 00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:05,760 Speaker 1: being the best at something, having a lot of money, 98 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:09,240 Speaker 1: getting a lot of attention or recognition, having something to 99 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,120 Speaker 1: your name. I'm going to ask you to picture a 100 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:16,239 Speaker 1: successful person for a second. I'm guessing your mind probably 101 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:19,919 Speaker 1: went to someone like Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos, or 102 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:23,760 Speaker 1: a celebrity like Taylor Swift or Beyonce. That is not 103 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,400 Speaker 1: an accident. The image of success that we have is 104 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:32,640 Speaker 1: again very limited, very exaggerated, but also very individualistic and 105 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:37,479 Speaker 1: closely aligned with fame. You know, what can you achieve, 106 00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:40,920 Speaker 1: what have you done, What level of attention do you 107 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,560 Speaker 1: receive for your hard work? What kind of money have 108 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:48,600 Speaker 1: you made? Maybe this also comes down to celebrity worship 109 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:52,400 Speaker 1: as well. If you want an amazing podcast specifically on 110 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,799 Speaker 1: this topic, you need to listen to Amanda Montell's podcast 111 00:06:55,839 --> 00:06:58,960 Speaker 1: Magical Overthinkers, where she talks about this and she talks 112 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:03,880 Speaker 1: about how our collective obsession with celebrities and the parasocial 113 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:07,760 Speaker 1: relationship that we have with them has collectively made us 114 00:07:07,839 --> 00:07:11,920 Speaker 1: feel more compelled or attracted by the idea of fame 115 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:16,760 Speaker 1: and perhaps less satisfied with an ordinary life. And you 116 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,920 Speaker 1: want to know something fascinating. A study run in twenty 117 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 1: twenty two showed that people who are more drawn into 118 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:26,520 Speaker 1: celebrity worship often do report feeling less satisfied with what 119 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,720 Speaker 1: they've accomplished, and they do also believe that they would 120 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:33,360 Speaker 1: be happier if they were more like the celebrities that 121 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:37,480 Speaker 1: they see or that they were famous. So again, our 122 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:42,640 Speaker 1: perception of what makes someone successful is very exclusive and 123 00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:46,440 Speaker 1: very narrow, and very much reserved for the best of 124 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:50,240 Speaker 1: the best something that you know, unfortunately we can't or 125 00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:55,440 Speaker 1: be I think this is also elevated by our you know, 126 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:59,200 Speaker 1: this new wave I guess of online success and media 127 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:04,160 Speaker 1: success and social media success, where anyone can become recognizable 128 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:07,840 Speaker 1: or popular by posting from their bedroom. And so this 129 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:11,480 Speaker 1: idea that we could all be notable, that we could 130 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,520 Speaker 1: all be popular, that we could all have this kind 131 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:20,040 Speaker 1: of online huge life is a lot more available to us, 132 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:23,360 Speaker 1: and a lot of us are leaning into that self 133 00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:27,080 Speaker 1: promotion even if you are kind of detached from social media, 134 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,360 Speaker 1: and how social media hype is really feeding into our 135 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:34,360 Speaker 1: you know, obsession with success. If you're in the corporate 136 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 1: world right just you're like equivalent of LinkedIn, there is 137 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:42,720 Speaker 1: a cultural shift even on that platform towards self promotion, 138 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:47,439 Speaker 1: like what are my successes? What is my worth? If 139 00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,880 Speaker 1: someone else cannot see it, if someone else cannot judge 140 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:55,520 Speaker 1: me by it, if someone else is not impressed. We're 141 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:59,760 Speaker 1: looking externally for that confirmation that what we're doing is 142 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:04,839 Speaker 1: that we're enough, that we're pushing ourselves enough, rather than 143 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:08,200 Speaker 1: trusting our compass for a what we actually care about, 144 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:11,280 Speaker 1: be what we actually want to be doing, and see 145 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:16,079 Speaker 1: whether we're enjoying ourselves. When success becomes so individually focused, 146 00:09:16,679 --> 00:09:19,000 Speaker 1: it really does put a lot of pressure on us 147 00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,679 Speaker 1: to be working harder and to be elevating ourselves in 148 00:09:21,679 --> 00:09:26,360 Speaker 1: comparison to others, because success starts to feel very competitive, 149 00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:32,080 Speaker 1: very glamorous, rather than collaborative and simple. It's not about 150 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,640 Speaker 1: how happy you are, it's not about what you do 151 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,240 Speaker 1: for your community. It's not about how you give back 152 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,760 Speaker 1: and what the world needs. But how how do you 153 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:45,280 Speaker 1: make yourself feel impressive in this space? And let me 154 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,200 Speaker 1: just say this is not a criticism. I definitely buy 155 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:52,000 Speaker 1: into this all the time, that success equals self promotion 156 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:56,559 Speaker 1: and success equals image. But I also think that that 157 00:09:56,720 --> 00:10:00,720 Speaker 1: is contributing to a lot of mental and emotional sequences 158 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:06,000 Speaker 1: for this group of people, this age group. Firstly, when 159 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:10,880 Speaker 1: we're not meeting the criteria for a conventionally successful life, 160 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,800 Speaker 1: or you don't feel like a successful twenty something, it 161 00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:18,600 Speaker 1: really makes us feel quite behind and therefore like a failure. 162 00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:22,400 Speaker 1: Because we've been taught not to value ourselves as a person, 163 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:26,240 Speaker 1: but to value yourself based on output and what you 164 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:29,640 Speaker 1: can produce and how talented or impressive you are. And 165 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,240 Speaker 1: a unique kind of anxiety follows on from that right, 166 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:35,680 Speaker 1: known as milestone anxiety. We have a whole episode on 167 00:10:35,679 --> 00:10:38,640 Speaker 1: this from a few years ago, but for a refresher, 168 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:42,720 Speaker 1: Milestone anxiety is a relatively new concept within the psychology space, 169 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:47,960 Speaker 1: where we tend to experience a certain dread panic that 170 00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:50,000 Speaker 1: a we are not where we want to be in 171 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:54,160 Speaker 1: life and b where not where others are in their lives. 172 00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:56,720 Speaker 1: There was a poll done on this very subject actually 173 00:10:56,760 --> 00:11:00,000 Speaker 1: earlier this year, and it asked around two thousand hours 174 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:02,400 Speaker 1: in the UK whether they were where they wanted to 175 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:06,840 Speaker 1: be in life or meeting what they saw as success milestones. 176 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,120 Speaker 1: Around eighty percent of them said no, and as a 177 00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:12,720 Speaker 1: follow up, they said that they felt a huge sense 178 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:16,360 Speaker 1: of pressure to be further ahead and achieving more than 179 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:19,920 Speaker 1: they had at this stage. If only twenty percent of 180 00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:23,880 Speaker 1: people in their twenties or in early adulthood feel like 181 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,480 Speaker 1: they are at a point where they can say that 182 00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:28,920 Speaker 1: they are proud and comfortable in what they've achieved, that 183 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,680 Speaker 1: they are, you know, a good person and impressive person, 184 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:35,160 Speaker 1: maybe our notions of what makes for a successful life 185 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:40,199 Speaker 1: are incorrect because it should not be excluding that many people, 186 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:44,559 Speaker 1: nearly no one is feeling like they measure up, which 187 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:47,160 Speaker 1: is probably a good reminder that if you are also 188 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:51,040 Speaker 1: feeling that way, you're actually part of the majority. Our 189 00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:57,640 Speaker 1: limited view of success, that individualistic, very glamorous, heightened, exaggerated, 190 00:11:57,880 --> 00:12:02,840 Speaker 1: grand public ideas success is not one that most people 191 00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:06,400 Speaker 1: can achieve, but it leaves most people feeling miserable that 192 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:09,839 Speaker 1: they can't. Now. If you're someone who is an overachiever, 193 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,920 Speaker 1: a perfectionist, perhaps you grew up being labeled as a 194 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:18,000 Speaker 1: golden or a gifted child, a straight a student, you're 195 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:21,040 Speaker 1: probably going to be more influenced by the pressure to 196 00:12:21,080 --> 00:12:25,280 Speaker 1: be successful in your twenties than most A large facet 197 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:28,400 Speaker 1: of your identity, if you do see yourself as one 198 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:32,960 Speaker 1: of those people, is most likely derived from performing above 199 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:37,679 Speaker 1: the standard, from being admired or praised for your hard work, 200 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:41,720 Speaker 1: being able to push yourself harder than anyone else. A 201 00:12:41,720 --> 00:12:44,480 Speaker 1: lot of individuals who grew up as overachievers find that 202 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:47,440 Speaker 1: the only way they can now tell if they're doing 203 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,480 Speaker 1: something that is valuable, or if they're even happy with 204 00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:56,360 Speaker 1: what they're doing, is through external reinforcement. Because our internal 205 00:12:56,400 --> 00:13:01,320 Speaker 1: system for judging whether something is worthwhile, whether we actually 206 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:05,080 Speaker 1: care about something, is broken. We are so used to 207 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:10,360 Speaker 1: being praised, recognized, told we're good, and that is the fuel, 208 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:14,000 Speaker 1: that is the motivation to keep going with something. So 209 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,360 Speaker 1: when we no longer have that, when we get into 210 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,640 Speaker 1: our mid our late twenties, we've kind of exited like 211 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,760 Speaker 1: the education system. We're kind of more responsible for our 212 00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:25,160 Speaker 1: daily lives and our daily work without having someone telling 213 00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,959 Speaker 1: us what to do praising what we do. It can 214 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:33,880 Speaker 1: actually lead to a very broken sense of self. I'm 215 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,840 Speaker 1: no longer the best, I am no longer good, i 216 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:41,000 Speaker 1: am no longer achieving things with this within a certain 217 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:43,719 Speaker 1: structure the way that they that I always have, And 218 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:46,440 Speaker 1: that can mean that we start to doubt our career choices. 219 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:50,560 Speaker 1: We feel like because we're not getting immediate feedback on things, 220 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,960 Speaker 1: that we're a failure, that we're not doing well, and 221 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:57,040 Speaker 1: we struggle to take self motivated risks. You know, because 222 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,959 Speaker 1: whether you're starting in your business, maybe you are pursuing 223 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,640 Speaker 1: social media, putting everything into a passion project, there will 224 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:07,440 Speaker 1: be times when you just have to follow your gut 225 00:14:07,600 --> 00:14:10,400 Speaker 1: and you have to just believe in your goals without 226 00:14:10,440 --> 00:14:16,000 Speaker 1: anyone encouraging you. But when we have this huge fixation 227 00:14:16,559 --> 00:14:20,440 Speaker 1: on success, but we also really crave external validation for 228 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:24,280 Speaker 1: everything that we're doing. We're not always going to get that, 229 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:29,880 Speaker 1: and so our extrinsic motivation system becomes broken. We feel 230 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:33,000 Speaker 1: like if we're not constantly being told like, yep, that's good, 231 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,840 Speaker 1: yet you're doing really, really well, what are we even doing? 232 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:40,360 Speaker 1: Who even are we without? Without that praise? It's a sickness, really, 233 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:41,960 Speaker 1: And as we get older, it can be hard to 234 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:47,120 Speaker 1: shake that productivity success driven instinct because again that's what 235 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:50,000 Speaker 1: we relied upon for most of our lives to bring 236 00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:54,760 Speaker 1: us confidence, bring our self esteem, self worth, and a purpose. So, 237 00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:57,360 Speaker 1: if you want some further reading on this, an article 238 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,920 Speaker 1: that I could not recommend enough. It was written by 239 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:03,880 Speaker 1: this publication called The School of Life, and it's titled 240 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:07,520 Speaker 1: The Secret Sorrow of Overachievers, and it talks about how 241 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:13,480 Speaker 1: as overachievers, childhood overachievers, teenage overachievers, age, they find it 242 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:17,720 Speaker 1: very difficult to appreciate their wins in life. They talk 243 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:23,600 Speaker 1: about how our hunger for stereotypical success feeds the burnout cycle, 244 00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:27,440 Speaker 1: it feeds our imposter syndrome, and of course the external 245 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 1: validation dependency. But also, and this is crucial, it also 246 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:35,840 Speaker 1: creates an inability to ever enjoy the moments when we 247 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,800 Speaker 1: do feel like we've reached our goals. It's never enough, 248 00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:42,960 Speaker 1: you know. The author kind of puts forward this proposition 249 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,120 Speaker 1: of like, and I don't even think this is just overachievers, 250 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,120 Speaker 1: but can any of us taste success once and not 251 00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:53,920 Speaker 1: get addicted? Is this not such something that we all 252 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:58,440 Speaker 1: crave to be seen and acknowledged as being good. Let 253 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:02,160 Speaker 1: me introduce you to this concept called gold medal syndrome, 254 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,560 Speaker 1: because when we talk about, you know, is success ever enough? 255 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,680 Speaker 1: This comes into it a lot. So obviously, the Olympics 256 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:13,320 Speaker 1: has just finished and we've seen that, you know a 257 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:16,840 Speaker 1: lot of people win gold medals, athletes who work their 258 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:21,720 Speaker 1: entire lives, sometimes for less than ten seconds. And obviously 259 00:16:22,120 --> 00:16:25,080 Speaker 1: losing is awful. It sucks. You don't want to go 260 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:27,840 Speaker 1: to the Olympics and lose. But even for the people 261 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:33,000 Speaker 1: who win, they face this psychological phenomenon where upon getting 262 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:35,640 Speaker 1: everything that they ever wanted, upon being at the top 263 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,320 Speaker 1: of the podium, the literal top of the podium, they 264 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:43,880 Speaker 1: are deeply, deeply unhappy. And what's actually happening here is 265 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:50,280 Speaker 1: something called the hedonic treadmill. We tend to think that success, 266 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:54,200 Speaker 1: that being the best, that being impressive, that being you 267 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:57,120 Speaker 1: know better than everyone else, or doing something really really 268 00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:00,680 Speaker 1: cool that people think is really really cool is going 269 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,400 Speaker 1: to make us really happy, and to an extent it does. 270 00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:08,720 Speaker 1: But also after we achieve these huge things, these huge milestones, 271 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:13,960 Speaker 1: we tend to return to a pretty stable level of happiness. 272 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,680 Speaker 1: The myth that people get really hurt by is that 273 00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:23,520 Speaker 1: being successful is somehow going to transform your life, transform 274 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:27,119 Speaker 1: your emotional state, and that you will never be miserable again. 275 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:30,399 Speaker 1: But actually a lot of successful people in the world 276 00:17:31,080 --> 00:17:37,679 Speaker 1: are gravely unhappy. Many successful professionals struggle to enjoy their 277 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:43,040 Speaker 1: accomplishments because it becomes their entire life, because they really 278 00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:47,080 Speaker 1: elevate how it's going to feel to reach the finish line, 279 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,440 Speaker 1: and when they get there, it's actually quite miserable because 280 00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,560 Speaker 1: they often neglect a lot of other parts of their 281 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:57,920 Speaker 1: life and they realize that being impressive and is really 282 00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:01,040 Speaker 1: not what life is all about. There was a study 283 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:03,600 Speaker 1: done by UCLA a couple of years back, and it 284 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:07,719 Speaker 1: found that about seventy two percent of successful entrepreneurs seventy 285 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:09,879 Speaker 1: two percent, I just want you to remember that number. 286 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:13,159 Speaker 1: They suffer from at least one mental health concern. A 287 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:17,560 Speaker 1: lot of them actually have increased rates of depression. You know, 288 00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,480 Speaker 1: I think I don't know what the number is now. 289 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,040 Speaker 1: I think it's one in three or maybe yeah, one 290 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,399 Speaker 1: in three people will have some kind of mental health 291 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:29,359 Speaker 1: concern in their life. That's around thirty three percent, seventy 292 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:33,040 Speaker 1: two percent, seventy two percent of people who are really 293 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:38,280 Speaker 1: in this success obsessive, success driven world feel that more intensely. 294 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,960 Speaker 1: And CEOs. The same study said that CEOs, some of 295 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,600 Speaker 1: the most successful people in the world, may be depressed 296 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,840 Speaker 1: at more than double the rate of the public at large. 297 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:53,159 Speaker 1: And here is my main point, and here's why I 298 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:57,000 Speaker 1: think we need to rethink this concept. Success is a 299 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:01,399 Speaker 1: very shallow thing to base your life meaning on. And 300 00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:07,640 Speaker 1: when we are so focused on achieving some goal or 301 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:13,440 Speaker 1: having this external image of being the person that has 302 00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:17,280 Speaker 1: it all, being disciplined, often you miss out on doing 303 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,960 Speaker 1: things for the sake of just enjoying them, or doing things, 304 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:25,320 Speaker 1: you know, pursuing a career a life path because that's 305 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:28,240 Speaker 1: what you feel called towards, because that's what you actually 306 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:31,480 Speaker 1: care about. Here's the other aspect of this, and I 307 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:33,520 Speaker 1: know this is going to contradict a lot of what 308 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:37,520 Speaker 1: I've said, But you know, most of the most successful 309 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,720 Speaker 1: people in the world are actually those who started out 310 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:44,520 Speaker 1: for themselves, who did it from a place of pure enjoyment, 311 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,760 Speaker 1: not for accolades, not for wealth, not for recognition, but 312 00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:53,560 Speaker 1: because being good at something requires being committed to it 313 00:19:53,880 --> 00:20:00,840 Speaker 1: from a place of deep personal value, enjoyment, pleasure and care, 314 00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:05,040 Speaker 1: and just actually feeling that even if no one else 315 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:07,399 Speaker 1: could see what you were doing, you would still be 316 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:10,560 Speaker 1: doing it. And here's why that's often the case, and 317 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:15,879 Speaker 1: why I think that really undermines our initial perception of success. 318 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,959 Speaker 1: We think that the end goal is the thing that 319 00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:24,679 Speaker 1: will motivate us all along. Actually it's the process. And 320 00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,800 Speaker 1: this first concept I want to talk about is called 321 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:32,040 Speaker 1: learned industriousness, and it refers to a phenomena whereby people 322 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:36,840 Speaker 1: who are very successful, who succeed in businesses, who succeed 323 00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:40,520 Speaker 1: in sports, in music, they are the people who fell 324 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:42,959 Speaker 1: in love with the process and the act of doing 325 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:48,320 Speaker 1: rather than the outcome. This is backed up by another concept, 326 00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:53,240 Speaker 1: another idea called flow. Now, we talk about the flow 327 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:56,280 Speaker 1: state a lot, but in case you haven't heard of 328 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,720 Speaker 1: it before, you haven't called it in a past episode 329 00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:02,680 Speaker 1: Flow is basically a heightened state of consciousness when you're 330 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:06,119 Speaker 1: doing something that you equally love, that equally challenges you, 331 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,439 Speaker 1: excites you, and it basically puts you in the zone 332 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:13,000 Speaker 1: and you feel fulfilled afterwards. Your flow state is often 333 00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:16,280 Speaker 1: what indicates your calling right because you could sit there 334 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:19,520 Speaker 1: and do this thing for hours, not get bored, not 335 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:24,760 Speaker 1: get tired, feel fulfilled, feel not the opposite of exhausted, 336 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:28,000 Speaker 1: to feel exhilarated. Now, flow is not the concept I'm 337 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,760 Speaker 1: talking about. What I want to talk about is how 338 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:33,280 Speaker 1: they discovered flow and if you listen to the Ted 339 00:21:33,320 --> 00:21:35,560 Speaker 1: talk given back in two thousand and eight by the 340 00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:41,120 Speaker 1: creator of this concept, professor Mahali sin Semahali, he interviewed 341 00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:46,520 Speaker 1: Ballerina's CEOs, chess players, elite cyclists, people who are incredibly, 342 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:51,119 Speaker 1: incredibly talented and good at what they do, and what 343 00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:53,840 Speaker 1: he found was that the one thing they had in 344 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:59,720 Speaker 1: common was that, again, these people just really loved what 345 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:03,400 Speaker 1: they were doing, and they weren't doing it for the acknowledgment. 346 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:08,400 Speaker 1: They weren't doing it for image, for publicity, for sponsors, 347 00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:12,320 Speaker 1: for money. They were doing it because this is the 348 00:22:12,359 --> 00:22:18,240 Speaker 1: thing that lit their fire. True success comes down to 349 00:22:18,359 --> 00:22:23,080 Speaker 1: feeling purposeful, feeling aligned with a mission, feeling aligned with 350 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:28,800 Speaker 1: a value of some sort, and genuinely just enjoying what 351 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:33,119 Speaker 1: you're doing, like actually sinking your teeth into life, into 352 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:38,800 Speaker 1: what you really love and what really sets you alight, 353 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:42,640 Speaker 1: and just doing it regardless of what other people are thinking. 354 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,199 Speaker 1: And I think that that is the huge switch that 355 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:48,560 Speaker 1: we need to make, the huge, the huge understanding that 356 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:52,000 Speaker 1: we need to switch from thinking about success is something 357 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:54,480 Speaker 1: that is done for others and something that is praised 358 00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:58,680 Speaker 1: by others, something that has an image to it. Instead 359 00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:04,000 Speaker 1: think about success as something that only you would care about, 360 00:23:04,359 --> 00:23:09,800 Speaker 1: that only you truly know the meaning of and truly love. 361 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:12,560 Speaker 1: So I want to say this, you know, if you're 362 00:23:12,560 --> 00:23:15,879 Speaker 1: feeling behind, if you don't feel like you're taking a 363 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:19,040 Speaker 1: life path that is expected of you, or that you're 364 00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:22,679 Speaker 1: not pursuing success in a traditional way, if your dreams 365 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,640 Speaker 1: aren't going to make you famous, aren't going to give 366 00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:29,119 Speaker 1: you headlines, aren't going to you know, I don't know, 367 00:23:29,320 --> 00:23:31,719 Speaker 1: aren't going to put you on like a public stage, 368 00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:35,440 Speaker 1: You're probably actually doing what's right and you aren't missing out. 369 00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,440 Speaker 1: In fact, I think you're closer to what true success 370 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,320 Speaker 1: looks like for most of us, which is actually joy 371 00:23:42,040 --> 00:23:47,720 Speaker 1: and energy and love and just value and passion. I 372 00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:50,639 Speaker 1: really want to talk about how we can actually find 373 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,600 Speaker 1: more of that and how we can truly be successful 374 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:59,080 Speaker 1: in our twenties with that more evolved understanding. So let's 375 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,880 Speaker 1: take a shot break, let me grab a glass of water, 376 00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:05,000 Speaker 1: let me catch my breath, and we'll be back shortly. 377 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,440 Speaker 1: If we stop focusing on being successful in our twenties 378 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:18,560 Speaker 1: or elevating our reputation looking good on LinkedIn being traditionally accomplished, 379 00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:22,000 Speaker 1: what would fill that space? What could we be focused 380 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:26,480 Speaker 1: on instead? Have a few suggestions. Instead of our twenties 381 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:30,200 Speaker 1: being about achieving that Wonderkin's status of being the best, 382 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,400 Speaker 1: I think instead our twenties could be focused on experimentation, 383 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:37,840 Speaker 1: giving yourself three to four startovers, to try new things 384 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:40,520 Speaker 1: and to really search for the thing that gives you 385 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:44,359 Speaker 1: meaning in life. Our twenties could also be for running 386 00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:49,240 Speaker 1: towards the fear, taking things less seriously, celebrating our mistakes 387 00:24:49,359 --> 00:24:53,480 Speaker 1: what we're learning in the process. Like imagine if instead 388 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,680 Speaker 1: of you know, putting promotions on your resume, you put 389 00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:59,320 Speaker 1: on the times that you failed and you came back 390 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,320 Speaker 1: from it or what you learned. More than that, I 391 00:25:02,359 --> 00:25:06,320 Speaker 1: think how twenties should also be about having fun, And 392 00:25:06,359 --> 00:25:10,560 Speaker 1: I know that it's such a simplistic and shallow maybe 393 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:13,520 Speaker 1: for some of your way of saying things. But if 394 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:16,280 Speaker 1: this decade isn't about having fun, like, what's it actually about. 395 00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:19,719 Speaker 1: If it's not about making memories that guide yourself and 396 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,199 Speaker 1: guide you to who you really are, when are you 397 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:24,320 Speaker 1: actually going to have time to do that with the 398 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,159 Speaker 1: level of self awareness that you have now? Maybe this 399 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:29,719 Speaker 1: is my biggest problem with our current conception of what 400 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:33,280 Speaker 1: makes for an important and lucrative life. It makes everything 401 00:25:33,359 --> 00:25:36,919 Speaker 1: so much less fun because you are constantly in a 402 00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:41,720 Speaker 1: mindset of competition and comparison, needing to assess what others 403 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:44,920 Speaker 1: are doing and whether you are measuring up to that standard, 404 00:25:45,359 --> 00:25:49,640 Speaker 1: and often comparing yourself to the lives of people who 405 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:52,679 Speaker 1: we've already revealed may not actually be that happy, but 406 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,960 Speaker 1: because it looks that way from the outside, it feels 407 00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,920 Speaker 1: like something that we want. As a result, I think 408 00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:02,680 Speaker 1: that there is an over tone of seriousness that settles 409 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,040 Speaker 1: over this time in our lives well before it should, 410 00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:10,719 Speaker 1: when actually we should be very unseriousness, unseriousness, unserious in 411 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:13,600 Speaker 1: certain aspects and areas of our lives to make the 412 00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:17,800 Speaker 1: most of this period of freedom, but to also set 413 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:21,040 Speaker 1: upon a self discovery journey. What I really want for 414 00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:24,159 Speaker 1: us is to kind of swap the isolation and the 415 00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:30,879 Speaker 1: comparison and the flamboyance of traditional success for community, for 416 00:26:30,960 --> 00:26:35,200 Speaker 1: self knowledge, for discovery, and for value, to be truly 417 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:38,720 Speaker 1: successful in our twenties, and to tap into that life 418 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:41,520 Speaker 1: source that we were talking about before. There are three 419 00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:43,800 Speaker 1: things that I think we need to focus on instead of, 420 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:46,919 Speaker 1: or in parallel to, getting ahead in our careers and 421 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,199 Speaker 1: our finances whatever. Firstly is figuring out your sense of 422 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,440 Speaker 1: self and really finding your deep in a pool of 423 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:57,520 Speaker 1: authenticity to draw from. Secondly is building strong relationships that 424 00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,159 Speaker 1: you can rely on in the decades to come. And 425 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:04,080 Speaker 1: three is learning through experience and failure and being okay 426 00:27:04,119 --> 00:27:07,800 Speaker 1: with not doing everything perfectly, but just doing it. When 427 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:10,520 Speaker 1: I see my friends who are really setting themselves up 428 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:15,120 Speaker 1: for an amazing bright future for security and purpose, they 429 00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,600 Speaker 1: all have those three things in common. They have a 430 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:20,159 Speaker 1: sense of who they are, they have a network, and 431 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:24,200 Speaker 1: they have a flexible mindset that allows them to actually 432 00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:27,159 Speaker 1: look at the world see where they're needed, see what 433 00:27:27,240 --> 00:27:30,200 Speaker 1: they want to do and pursue that. They are the 434 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,879 Speaker 1: people I think I feel most envious of, not because 435 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:36,000 Speaker 1: of the accolades, or because they work eighty hours a 436 00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:39,879 Speaker 1: week or them or they're disciplined, but because these individuals 437 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,399 Speaker 1: who I see in my own life just have this 438 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:48,480 Speaker 1: serene sense of mission and self assurance that is incredibly admirable. 439 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,000 Speaker 1: And you know, the interesting thing is is that they 440 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,640 Speaker 1: don't even care. They don't even care if I thought 441 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:57,160 Speaker 1: they were amazing, because they feel it themselves and they 442 00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:59,920 Speaker 1: feel drawn to something without the need for public aca 443 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:03,040 Speaker 1: knowledgement of it. So let's focus on how we can 444 00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:06,280 Speaker 1: cultivate these things, the self knowledge, the friendship, the openness 445 00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:10,560 Speaker 1: to failure. Building self knowledge means getting clear on where 446 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:14,840 Speaker 1: your internal compass is naturally leading you. There is a 447 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:17,119 Speaker 1: huge drawer, I think, at the beginning of our twenties 448 00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:20,160 Speaker 1: or the end of our teen years to big flashy 449 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:25,760 Speaker 1: careers like doctor, like lawyer, like entrepreneur, because they're impressive, 450 00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,840 Speaker 1: because you make a lot of money, because they are 451 00:28:28,960 --> 00:28:32,160 Speaker 1: traditionally seen as people who have it together and who 452 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:36,320 Speaker 1: are you going places in life. The further we get 453 00:28:36,359 --> 00:28:38,080 Speaker 1: into this decade, though, and I'm not sure if I'm 454 00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:39,920 Speaker 1: the only one who noticed this, but I noticed this 455 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:43,800 Speaker 1: shift around twenty one and twenty two. People began to 456 00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:47,480 Speaker 1: drop off from those career paths because they begin to 457 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:51,160 Speaker 1: realize that their heart just isn't in those endeavors. They 458 00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:54,040 Speaker 1: might be doing it for family, because it's impressive, or 459 00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:57,840 Speaker 1: because they are squeezing into this box that their soul 460 00:28:57,880 --> 00:29:00,840 Speaker 1: doesn't fit. And not to make it sound too spiritual, 461 00:29:00,880 --> 00:29:04,440 Speaker 1: but that's how it feels. It feels uncomfortable to be 462 00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:08,040 Speaker 1: pursuing a life that you actually don't even want more 463 00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:11,560 Speaker 1: than you want it. But on a surface level, getting 464 00:29:11,760 --> 00:29:16,280 Speaker 1: to that realization quicker means getting clear on what actually 465 00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:19,640 Speaker 1: inspires you. What you would do if no one was watching, 466 00:29:19,880 --> 00:29:21,760 Speaker 1: not if money was no option. I know that's a 467 00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:24,520 Speaker 1: question and often gets thrown out, but what would you 468 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:27,840 Speaker 1: do if no one was watching, if no one cared 469 00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:29,960 Speaker 1: about what you were doing for better or for worse? 470 00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:35,680 Speaker 1: And what do I genuinely derive joy from beyond my 471 00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:40,320 Speaker 1: career and as a person. This is basically what we 472 00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:44,440 Speaker 1: would call in therapy and psychology as a self assessment exercise. 473 00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:47,600 Speaker 1: I think we should all be doing it more periodically, 474 00:29:47,640 --> 00:29:51,840 Speaker 1: whereby we stop and we assess not just how we're 475 00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:56,920 Speaker 1: tracking towards conventional traditional goals like financial goals or career goals, 476 00:29:57,400 --> 00:30:00,280 Speaker 1: but how we're tracking towards the broader goal of being 477 00:30:00,280 --> 00:30:04,320 Speaker 1: in touch with ourselves and our lives and how we feel. Obviously, 478 00:30:04,360 --> 00:30:06,840 Speaker 1: I think self knowledge in this decade can be difficult 479 00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:10,239 Speaker 1: because we still are in a transition period. We are 480 00:30:10,240 --> 00:30:14,400 Speaker 1: still developing as individuals, and things do rapidly change. So 481 00:30:14,480 --> 00:30:17,520 Speaker 1: that is why it's important to check in once every 482 00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:21,200 Speaker 1: three months for fifteen minutes. Such a small time investment, 483 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:25,840 Speaker 1: but to journal, ponder, and think about these three questions. 484 00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,320 Speaker 1: I think these three questions in particular really structure this 485 00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:31,840 Speaker 1: self investigation. What do I value the most in my 486 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:34,760 Speaker 1: life right now? What could I be doing to be 487 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:38,000 Speaker 1: more aligned with my purpose? And by purpose we mean 488 00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:39,840 Speaker 1: the thing that you would do when Norme was watching, 489 00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:43,239 Speaker 1: the thing that you care about beyond your career. And 490 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:47,360 Speaker 1: if you are anxious, dissatisfied, uncomfortable, what is the source 491 00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:50,840 Speaker 1: of this feeling and what needs to be amended When 492 00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:54,400 Speaker 1: you don't know yourself and you don't take time to 493 00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:58,240 Speaker 1: care or to listen to your inner desires, perhaps because 494 00:30:58,320 --> 00:31:02,400 Speaker 1: you are really caught up in being productive, in being efficient, 495 00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:06,280 Speaker 1: in being successful. I really do think that you're setting 496 00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:09,680 Speaker 1: yourself on the path for a huge crisis later on. 497 00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:12,280 Speaker 1: And I've seen it time and time again in people's 498 00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:15,800 Speaker 1: lives where they are very consumed by doing what they 499 00:31:15,840 --> 00:31:18,520 Speaker 1: think needs to be done and following a traditional path, 500 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:21,760 Speaker 1: and there is never a space in that journey for 501 00:31:21,840 --> 00:31:26,920 Speaker 1: self reflection and for really thinking, like what actually makes 502 00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:29,960 Speaker 1: me happy? And so they wake up at thirty thirty 503 00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:34,640 Speaker 1: five forty and they just feel even more lost than 504 00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:37,239 Speaker 1: they would have at twenty twenty five if they had 505 00:31:37,280 --> 00:31:41,000 Speaker 1: sat and reflected. So focus on it now. I also 506 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:43,440 Speaker 1: think this is a unique time for risk. Some people 507 00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:46,040 Speaker 1: get frustrated when I say this, but I do think 508 00:31:46,120 --> 00:31:48,640 Speaker 1: that our twenties are the easiest time to do the 509 00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:51,200 Speaker 1: things that might not get you further ahead in your 510 00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:54,520 Speaker 1: career but makes sense for you as a person, and 511 00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,280 Speaker 1: just kind of give you the chance to say in 512 00:31:57,280 --> 00:31:59,320 Speaker 1: the future, yeah, I did that thing that was part 513 00:31:59,360 --> 00:32:01,960 Speaker 1: of my life store Yeah it was out of character. 514 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:05,360 Speaker 1: Yes it may not have contributed to me getting ahead 515 00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:08,200 Speaker 1: in life, but I'm happy that I did it. The 516 00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:10,440 Speaker 1: big one people often think of when I say that 517 00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:13,120 Speaker 1: and when I say take risks, make memories in your twenties, 518 00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:16,600 Speaker 1: is travel. Of course, if you're tossing up between do 519 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,000 Speaker 1: I travel or settle into my corporate job and climb 520 00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:22,840 Speaker 1: the ladder, my answer is always going to be travel 521 00:32:22,880 --> 00:32:26,800 Speaker 1: if you have the opportunity, because that is going to 522 00:32:26,920 --> 00:32:31,400 Speaker 1: set such a core foundation for future you who might 523 00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:34,520 Speaker 1: choose to pursue a corporate life. It's not just travel, 524 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:36,880 Speaker 1: I think it's also things like going back to school 525 00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:39,479 Speaker 1: for something that might not make you a success but 526 00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:42,479 Speaker 1: that you care about, or taking a year to just 527 00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:45,959 Speaker 1: make art or write and work whatever job pays the bills. 528 00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:49,480 Speaker 1: This all gets us closer to understanding what we truly want. 529 00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:52,920 Speaker 1: I think it also takes the pressure off having to 530 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:56,160 Speaker 1: come up with the answers to what's going to make 531 00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:58,360 Speaker 1: me successful, what's going to make me impressive? What do 532 00:32:58,400 --> 00:33:01,160 Speaker 1: I want to do with my life? So early on, 533 00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:06,000 Speaker 1: this is still a period of exploration, even if society 534 00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:09,440 Speaker 1: is kind of putting, you know, kind of moving back 535 00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:13,080 Speaker 1: the starting blocks a little bit and really putting a 536 00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:16,720 Speaker 1: lot of pressure on the milestones. There is a wealth 537 00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:20,320 Speaker 1: of experiences and knowledge to be collected in your twenties 538 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:23,360 Speaker 1: that are going to make you more successful in the 539 00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:29,120 Speaker 1: long run. Secondly, friendships our most prized relationships. If you 540 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:31,320 Speaker 1: feel like you have nothing to show for yourself in 541 00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:33,600 Speaker 1: your twenties, that you're behind the people you went to 542 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:37,400 Speaker 1: high school with, or your colleagues, or where you expect 543 00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:40,920 Speaker 1: it to be, lean into your relationships and lean into 544 00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:44,320 Speaker 1: your friendships. There is a quote that says, show me 545 00:33:44,360 --> 00:33:46,320 Speaker 1: someone's friends, and I'll tell you how rich they are. 546 00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:51,000 Speaker 1: Not rich in wealth, but rich in connection, intimacy, vulnerability, 547 00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:55,959 Speaker 1: having those kindred spirits to ride through life with. There 548 00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:58,040 Speaker 1: are so many people who have a narrow goal and 549 00:33:58,080 --> 00:34:01,320 Speaker 1: an even narrower focus on how to get there because 550 00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:03,760 Speaker 1: they do think it will give their life more meaning 551 00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:06,520 Speaker 1: to be the big success story. But we know from 552 00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:09,279 Speaker 1: earlier discussions that once they get to that finish line, 553 00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:12,640 Speaker 1: often one of their first thoughts is who do I 554 00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:17,520 Speaker 1: share this with? There is no success without community. The 555 00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:22,080 Speaker 1: relationships that you are devoting yourself to now are the 556 00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:25,400 Speaker 1: things that will also make you successful in your future. 557 00:34:26,040 --> 00:34:27,799 Speaker 1: And so there's another element of this that I want 558 00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:31,120 Speaker 1: to talk about. You can really only grow as far 559 00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:34,560 Speaker 1: as your friendships allow you to. So, yeah, if you 560 00:34:34,600 --> 00:34:37,080 Speaker 1: are someone who wants big things. If you are someone 561 00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:40,479 Speaker 1: who wants a creative life, who wants an adventurous life, 562 00:34:41,239 --> 00:34:44,760 Speaker 1: actually be particular about who you're surrounding yourselves with, because 563 00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:47,719 Speaker 1: I do sometimes think that as much as we want 564 00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:50,960 Speaker 1: companionship and connection, you don't want to be limited by 565 00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:54,240 Speaker 1: someone else's beliefs about what they want from their life. 566 00:34:54,719 --> 00:34:58,200 Speaker 1: Hopefully that's making sense, but I think be selective and 567 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:02,279 Speaker 1: put time and energy an effort into your friendships and 568 00:35:02,440 --> 00:35:04,920 Speaker 1: see that as something that is a mark of success. 569 00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:07,759 Speaker 1: See that as something that you can say, yeah, I 570 00:35:07,840 --> 00:35:11,040 Speaker 1: am full of wealth as a person. I have achievement. 571 00:35:11,280 --> 00:35:15,480 Speaker 1: I am impressive, I have accolades because my relationships are 572 00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:20,839 Speaker 1: fulfilling and deep and vulnerable and rich. Finally, something else 573 00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:24,200 Speaker 1: that makes you successful in your twenties is an openness 574 00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:28,040 Speaker 1: to failure and being able to adapt and go lightly 575 00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:31,680 Speaker 1: through life. That is what's going to make this a 576 00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:36,920 Speaker 1: pivotal period for you. Each setback teaches resilience, and I 577 00:35:36,960 --> 00:35:42,840 Speaker 1: think adapting from that builds confidence. There is no one 578 00:35:43,120 --> 00:35:46,760 Speaker 1: in life who is going to walk through any period, 579 00:35:46,800 --> 00:35:50,960 Speaker 1: any chapter, any month, even without experiencing something that just 580 00:35:51,160 --> 00:35:54,960 Speaker 1: doesn't sit right, that's inconvenient to them, that makes them 581 00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:58,360 Speaker 1: feel insecure, that makes them feel like a failure. The 582 00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:01,040 Speaker 1: people who get over that far faster and who are 583 00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:04,759 Speaker 1: able to keep pursuing their deep inner calling or the 584 00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:08,160 Speaker 1: thing they care about are the people who are adaptable 585 00:36:08,239 --> 00:36:12,240 Speaker 1: and flexible and who allow room for that in their journey. 586 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:16,560 Speaker 1: I think that's very hard to do when you're really 587 00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:21,680 Speaker 1: focused on perfection, and you're really focused on making a 588 00:36:21,719 --> 00:36:24,640 Speaker 1: name for yourself and doing it right the first time, 589 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:29,319 Speaker 1: and you're really focused on how other people perceive your 590 00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:33,359 Speaker 1: journey and how other people are perceiving your successes, take 591 00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:35,840 Speaker 1: a step back from that for a second. This is 592 00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:38,880 Speaker 1: not their life, This is not their journey. You are 593 00:36:38,920 --> 00:36:42,480 Speaker 1: the one who is experiencing your day to day. And 594 00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:46,400 Speaker 1: you know, I saw this amazing quote that the people 595 00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:49,200 Speaker 1: in life who are truly the most successful, who have 596 00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:54,359 Speaker 1: the best businesses, who inspire people who make change, they 597 00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:57,279 Speaker 1: always have the most interesting stories about how they got 598 00:36:57,320 --> 00:37:00,560 Speaker 1: there because they didn't stick strictly to a they put 599 00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:03,840 Speaker 1: themselves on at eighteen or twenty, and they didn't expect 600 00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:06,200 Speaker 1: for everything to go right. They bounce back from failure, 601 00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:08,880 Speaker 1: They accepted it, They made it part of who they 602 00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:12,560 Speaker 1: were becoming. So just a really good reminder and I 603 00:37:12,719 --> 00:37:15,360 Speaker 1: want to just finish this up close off this episode 604 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:18,920 Speaker 1: by saying, firstly, thank you for listening to me ramble. Obviously, 605 00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:20,719 Speaker 1: this is something that has been on my mind. I'm 606 00:37:20,760 --> 00:37:25,680 Speaker 1: trying to rethink and evolve my own understanding of success 607 00:37:25,719 --> 00:37:28,840 Speaker 1: in this moment alongside you. So if you do have 608 00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:32,799 Speaker 1: any thoughts feelings about this yourself, please let me know. 609 00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:36,160 Speaker 1: But secondly, I really do think that it's time to 610 00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:40,040 Speaker 1: get rid of this confined, outdated model of what a 611 00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:43,520 Speaker 1: successful individual looks like. It is not someone who I 612 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:47,440 Speaker 1: think is materialistic or who is outwardly the most beautiful, 613 00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:50,680 Speaker 1: most impressive, has the most things to their name. It's 614 00:37:50,719 --> 00:37:53,000 Speaker 1: the person who you look at and you say no. 615 00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:55,239 Speaker 1: That is someone who has a really deep pool of 616 00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:58,919 Speaker 1: inner peace and cares about something and they draw from 617 00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:01,719 Speaker 1: that in any other of their life. And it doesn't 618 00:38:01,760 --> 00:38:03,800 Speaker 1: have to be their job, right It could be someone 619 00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:07,200 Speaker 1: who is like literally working at McDonald's but really cares 620 00:38:07,239 --> 00:38:10,279 Speaker 1: about their athletics career, really cares about making ceramics on 621 00:38:10,280 --> 00:38:13,719 Speaker 1: the weekend. That is someone who knows themselves. That is 622 00:38:13,719 --> 00:38:16,000 Speaker 1: someone who hopefully has a community around them. That is 623 00:38:16,040 --> 00:38:19,120 Speaker 1: someone who is open to failure. Those are true markers 624 00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:22,279 Speaker 1: of success. So thank you so much for listening to 625 00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:24,640 Speaker 1: this episode. I hope it's given you something to think about, 626 00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:27,800 Speaker 1: or that you've learned something from the studies we talked about, 627 00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:32,160 Speaker 1: from the random quotes we threw in there, from my rambling. 628 00:38:32,800 --> 00:38:35,080 Speaker 1: If you enjoyed this episode, if you feel like there's 629 00:38:35,200 --> 00:38:37,080 Speaker 1: someone else in your life who needs to hear it, 630 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:39,879 Speaker 1: please feel free to share it with them and make 631 00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:43,160 Speaker 1: sure you leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, 632 00:38:43,280 --> 00:38:46,920 Speaker 1: Spotify wherever you are listening right now and follow along 633 00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:49,600 Speaker 1: for more episodes. I'll give you, guys, some sneak peaks 634 00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:51,719 Speaker 1: on what's coming up next week. We're going to be 635 00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:54,960 Speaker 1: talking about female friendship. We're going to be talking about 636 00:38:54,960 --> 00:39:00,279 Speaker 1: people who are overly sensitive, and sibling relationships and a 637 00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:03,960 Speaker 1: lot more so, lots to be excited about. Hopefully we 638 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:07,439 Speaker 1: see you back here very soon, and until next time, 639 00:39:07,640 --> 00:39:12,760 Speaker 1: stay safe, stay kind, be gentle with yourself, rethink your 640 00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:15,479 Speaker 1: notions of success, and we will talk soon