WEBVTT - Making An Escape Plan with Chelsea + Catherine 0:00:00.920 --> 0:00:03.480 Good afternoon, everybody. I don't know why I say good 0:00:03.480 --> 0:00:07.080 afternoon when us start days. I'm Chelsea, Hi, what's happening? 0:00:07.200 --> 0:00:09.600 What's happening, Catherine? So many shit is happening on my 0:00:10.200 --> 0:00:12.319 end of things. I just can't even keep up. 0:00:13.720 --> 0:00:17.000 Okay, I need a little bit of advice. I am 0:00:17.200 --> 0:00:20.680 finding that I'm having such a hard time making a 0:00:20.760 --> 0:00:24.200 decision on stuff for my house, and I think it's 0:00:24.239 --> 0:00:27.200 because I just feel like I have to search the 0:00:27.280 --> 0:00:30.720 depth and breadth of the Internet for every possible choice 0:00:30.760 --> 0:00:33.560 of something, whether it's like new dog crates for the dogs, 0:00:33.680 --> 0:00:35.839 or a new sofa or whatever it is that I 0:00:35.920 --> 0:00:39.440 need next. I'm just having such a hard time with 0:00:39.520 --> 0:00:43.640 the limitless possibilities before I can make a decision. What 0:00:43.680 --> 0:00:44.120 do I do? 0:00:44.600 --> 0:00:46.920 Listen, when you make a decision, when you are decisive, 0:00:47.080 --> 0:00:49.680 I'm very decisive. I don't like really. I go to 0:00:49.680 --> 0:00:51.640 my design meetings for my new house and I am 0:00:51.720 --> 0:00:53.880 in and out of there in forty minutes. I pick, Tyle, 0:00:53.960 --> 0:00:57.120 I pick because Listen, whatever you buy is gonna make 0:00:57.160 --> 0:00:59.160 your You're gonna forget about all the other options. 0:00:59.200 --> 0:01:01.120 That's true, and it's to be fine. It's gonna be 0:01:01.160 --> 0:01:01.520 the right. 0:01:01.440 --> 0:01:03.960 One, and unless you make a huge mistake, which you 0:01:04.000 --> 0:01:06.640 can't with a doggy crate. It's not like you're picking 0:01:06.680 --> 0:01:09.399 out marble. Yeah you know what I mean. Yeah, you're 0:01:09.440 --> 0:01:11.440 not gonna make a big mistake. So when you're ever 0:01:11.440 --> 0:01:13.920 you're indecisive. I always feel like, just make a decision 0:01:13.920 --> 0:01:16.279 and then that decision becomes the right decision and commit 0:01:16.360 --> 0:01:16.560 to it. 0:01:17.440 --> 0:01:17.679 Yeah. 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:20.000 I all of the decisions of the Internet are really 0:01:20.120 --> 0:01:20.680 troubling to me. 0:01:20.800 --> 0:01:22.800 When you're letting the internet run you, I. 0:01:22.760 --> 0:01:24.759 Am and I need to run the internet, so. 0:01:24.760 --> 0:01:27.400 I don't go online. That's actually for the w I 0:01:27.440 --> 0:01:29.080 don't have any Wi Fi at my house, so I 0:01:29.080 --> 0:01:30.000 can't even look. 0:01:30.360 --> 0:01:33.360 I've been deleting Instagram. I just like during the week 0:01:33.400 --> 0:01:35.199 for the most part, I just have it deleted because 0:01:35.200 --> 0:01:37.720 if it's on my phone, Chelsea, I just pick it 0:01:37.800 --> 0:01:38.720 up and then I get. 0:01:38.640 --> 0:01:40.959 Lest oh that's smart, how do you delete it? So 0:01:41.000 --> 0:01:42.920 you delete it and you take it down and then 0:01:43.319 --> 0:01:43.920 for the week. 0:01:44.120 --> 0:01:46.360 Yeah, and so your your Instagram is still there. But 0:01:46.400 --> 0:01:48.200 I just like have the app off of my phone, 0:01:48.280 --> 0:01:49.640 so like if I need to look at it, like 0:01:49.680 --> 0:01:51.880 look something up for work, I've got it on my iPad. 0:01:52.120 --> 0:01:53.760 But I don't have my iPad sitting next to me 0:01:53.800 --> 0:01:56.520 all of the time. What I find is, even when 0:01:56.560 --> 0:01:58.680 I don't have it on there, without even thinking, I 0:01:59.120 --> 0:01:59.559 do it all. 0:01:59.440 --> 0:02:01.400 The time too. Just do it, Okay, so you can 0:02:01.440 --> 0:02:03.520 delete it and then you get back your app like okay. 0:02:03.520 --> 0:02:05.120 So I think that's smart and you should apply that 0:02:05.120 --> 0:02:06.080 to your shopping. 0:02:06.280 --> 0:02:06.520 Yeah. 0:02:06.520 --> 0:02:08.320 I think I need to set myself like a timer 0:02:08.360 --> 0:02:09.799 and be like, you can look for an hour and 0:02:09.840 --> 0:02:10.280 then it's. 0:02:10.440 --> 0:02:12.679 Talking cret like what what what? 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:14.880 But it's like it's a it's a symptom of so 0:02:14.919 --> 0:02:15.800 many different things. 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:18.000 It is a symptom. But then you're being run by that, 0:02:18.240 --> 0:02:19.960 you know what I mean? The Internet is running you. 0:02:20.160 --> 0:02:20.359 Yeah. 0:02:20.400 --> 0:02:21.320 Are you gonna let that happen? 0:02:21.639 --> 0:02:21.760 Now? 0:02:21.760 --> 0:02:22.720 I'm not gonna let it happen. 0:02:22.800 --> 0:02:23.360 Chelsea. 0:02:23.400 --> 0:02:27.200 We've added second shows. Second shows now to Portland, Los Angeles, 0:02:27.240 --> 0:02:32.440 the Pantagious, Boston Backwang Center, and I've added second shows 0:02:32.480 --> 0:02:36.240 New York, Seattle, DC. Go to Chelsea Hammler dot com. 0:02:36.280 --> 0:02:39.280 This tour has been the most fun. It's so fucking silly. 0:02:39.400 --> 0:02:42.600 Wait till you see me showing you how I masturbated 0:02:42.600 --> 0:02:43.600 when I was eight years old. 0:02:44.440 --> 0:02:45.960 Do you bring a ladle on stage. 0:02:46.000 --> 0:02:48.000 I don't bring the label on stage, but I demonstrate 0:02:48.080 --> 0:02:50.440 what I did for about a year of my life 0:02:50.440 --> 0:02:52.840 when I found out about my Pikachu and all of 0:02:52.840 --> 0:02:55.320 the pleasure it could offer me. Oh and one city, 0:02:55.320 --> 0:02:57.040 I want to do a special shout out for is 0:02:57.400 --> 0:02:59.280 Long Island because we added a show at this It's 0:02:59.280 --> 0:03:02.280 a little show. It's only a thousand seats called the 0:03:02.280 --> 0:03:04.840 Clubhouse in East Hampton. So I want to promote that 0:03:04.880 --> 0:03:07.280 in case anybody here is in the Hampton's over the summer, 0:03:07.320 --> 0:03:09.200 because that is going to be a nice intimate show. 0:03:09.720 --> 0:03:12.560 Oh that sounds so lovely. I love a small show. 0:03:12.800 --> 0:03:14.760 I do too, and I do it. I mean it's nice, 0:03:14.800 --> 0:03:16.840 you know, for your ego to have bigger crowds. So 0:03:17.040 --> 0:03:19.200 I like that as well. But I do like intimacy, 0:03:19.280 --> 0:03:21.040 like I love when I wore my show up at 0:03:21.040 --> 0:03:23.920 comedy clubs, Like that's always fun, you know, when you 0:03:24.160 --> 0:03:26.440 can talk to people like upfront, you know, when you're 0:03:26.440 --> 0:03:29.560 on a theater or in a like an amphitheater and arena, 0:03:29.639 --> 0:03:33.240 like you can't really it's just like people, yeah, because 0:03:33.320 --> 0:03:36.560 nobody else can see them, right, And yeah, so there's 0:03:36.560 --> 0:03:38.760 a little bit more of like a barricade between you 0:03:39.000 --> 0:03:41.600 and the audience, if you will, Yes, I want to 0:03:41.640 --> 0:03:43.880 recommend that book, The Covenant of Water. 0:03:44.560 --> 0:03:46.160 Oh yes, you were starting to read this. 0:03:46.360 --> 0:03:50.160 It's really really transportive. It takes you to another place. 0:03:50.280 --> 0:03:55.080 It's it's mystical, it's beautiful, and it makes you just 0:03:55.120 --> 0:03:57.000 appreciate the world we live in and that people can 0:03:57.000 --> 0:03:58.640 write these stories that are so beautiful. 0:04:00.240 --> 0:04:03.920 Just finished reading Malibu Rising, which is by the same 0:04:04.000 --> 0:04:07.920 author of Daisy Jones on the sixth, but I loved it. 0:04:08.440 --> 0:04:11.760 You just see her setting up all these different characters 0:04:11.800 --> 0:04:14.640 and all these different scenarios and then like halfway through 0:04:14.680 --> 0:04:17.240 the book, she just starts knocking them down like Domino's 0:04:17.640 --> 0:04:20.520 and it's fantastic. It's a really fun read. It's an 0:04:20.560 --> 0:04:23.200 easy read, and it's nice before bedtime reading. 0:04:23.560 --> 0:04:28.000 I finished that book Lucky You, which I think I recommended. 0:04:28.120 --> 0:04:29.000 That was a good book. 0:04:29.160 --> 0:04:30.359 That's where I'm reading about. 0:04:30.560 --> 0:04:33.240 That was about this woman, this Kenyan girl. She grows 0:04:33.320 --> 0:04:35.400 up with a very overbearing mother and she lives with 0:04:35.440 --> 0:04:37.640 her like three aunts and I don't know why I 0:04:37.640 --> 0:04:40.160 said aunts, aunts is how I say, and her grandmother 0:04:40.440 --> 0:04:43.320 and she doesn't know anything about her father. She finds 0:04:43.360 --> 0:04:45.680 out something about her father later in life that her 0:04:45.680 --> 0:04:48.000 mother kept from her, which is very disruptive to her 0:04:48.040 --> 0:04:50.520 because she kind of felt like nobody told her the truth. 0:04:51.120 --> 0:04:54.560 Then she gets accepted to Barnard College in New York. 0:04:54.720 --> 0:04:58.400 She moves there, and she comes from Africa and then 0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:02.840 goes to the United States. The whole different in racism 0:05:03.000 --> 0:05:06.520 and being African versus being African American. She has to 0:05:06.600 --> 0:05:09.040 kind of come up against and she has a couple 0:05:09.040 --> 0:05:14.520 of relationships. And it's very beautiful too. It's fiction and 0:05:14.560 --> 0:05:16.760 it's a short book. And then she kind of, you 0:05:16.800 --> 0:05:18.760 know how her family plays a role in that. Her 0:05:18.760 --> 0:05:21.440 mom really wants her to go do one specific thing, 0:05:21.920 --> 0:05:25.119 be a doctor, be a business person, and she wants 0:05:25.279 --> 0:05:27.080 has cravings to do other things. It is just the 0:05:27.120 --> 0:05:30.520 story about a coming of age story and your how 0:05:30.560 --> 0:05:33.720 you deal with your responsibility to your family versus your 0:05:33.760 --> 0:05:35.160 responsibility to yourself. 0:05:36.160 --> 0:05:38.919 I love that. I love that. Yeah, Okay, so a 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:41.760 few years ago I decided not to waste my one 0:05:41.800 --> 0:05:45.360 precious life finishing books that I wasn't enjoying. What's your 0:05:45.400 --> 0:05:46.080 benchmark for that? 0:05:46.160 --> 0:05:47.240 Do you like always. 0:05:46.880 --> 0:05:48.919 Finish a book? Do you give a book like fifty 0:05:49.000 --> 0:05:49.920 or one hundred pages. 0:05:50.480 --> 0:05:53.360 I like to give it one hundred pages. I recently 0:05:53.360 --> 0:05:54.920 did put a book down. I won't say what it 0:05:54.960 --> 0:05:57.560 is because that's not nice, but it was just chick lit, 0:05:57.560 --> 0:05:59.200 and I don't like that. I like a little bit 0:05:59.279 --> 0:06:01.839 more elevated. I want to be learning stuff. I want 0:06:01.920 --> 0:06:04.120 I need to be looking up words when I'm reading. Yeah, 0:06:04.120 --> 0:06:05.400 I need to see words that I don't know the 0:06:05.440 --> 0:06:08.479 meeting of, and if it's historical, I will never not 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:11.520 finish it because I feel like I owe that to society. 0:06:14.040 --> 0:06:16.880 I owe that to everybody to be as well educated 0:06:16.920 --> 0:06:18.799 and versed in every topic that I can. 0:06:18.960 --> 0:06:22.160 Yeah, and to yourself too. You know you are loves 0:06:22.160 --> 0:06:23.080 continuing education. 0:06:23.320 --> 0:06:24.599 Yes, I do. I do. 0:06:24.680 --> 0:06:28.520 I do well, Chelsea. I have some updates speaking of 0:06:28.560 --> 0:06:33.719 continuing the conversation A from way back in our Jamie 0:06:33.720 --> 0:06:35.839 Greenberg episode. 0:06:35.320 --> 0:06:37.880 She had shout out to Jamie. She listens every week. 0:06:38.240 --> 0:06:39.240 I love her so much. 0:06:39.279 --> 0:06:41.160 Now I haven't seen her in weeks though I'm going 0:06:41.200 --> 0:06:41.960 through withdrawals. 0:06:42.320 --> 0:06:44.040 I feel like she is the person that like every 0:06:44.080 --> 0:06:46.400 person who meets her is probably like I could be 0:06:46.400 --> 0:06:48.800 besties with her. She's just so fun by the way. 0:06:48.839 --> 0:06:51.080 I like your nails. You don't have the pointy ones now? No, 0:06:51.279 --> 0:06:51.800 I like that. 0:06:52.000 --> 0:06:52.520 I'm flat. 0:06:52.600 --> 0:06:54.360 Yeah, I wish Jamie would do that. That's why I 0:06:54.400 --> 0:06:57.080 haven't seen her actually, because of her nails. I have 0:06:57.080 --> 0:06:59.520 a restraining order against her until she starts going oh 0:06:59.560 --> 0:07:00.479 natural again. 0:07:01.360 --> 0:07:04.200 I feel like I accidentally gave myself like like nineties 0:07:04.279 --> 0:07:05.560 alien nail. 0:07:05.520 --> 0:07:08.240 No, I like them, Okay, I like them. I mean 0:07:08.279 --> 0:07:12.280 the twenty one I find tricky. Yeah, how do you 0:07:12.320 --> 0:07:13.360 give a hand job like that? 0:07:14.120 --> 0:07:15.200 Very carefully? 0:07:17.880 --> 0:07:20.480 I like that you guys are still giving each other 0:07:20.600 --> 0:07:21.360 hand jobs. 0:07:21.960 --> 0:07:24.760 No one's doing that, that's true, though, I mean I 0:07:24.760 --> 0:07:25.080 don't know. 0:07:28.200 --> 0:07:32.200 He's blushing, she's blushing, and I'm single as usual. 0:07:33.760 --> 0:07:37.200 So a from our Jamie Greenberg episode, she had sort 0:07:37.240 --> 0:07:40.480 of like self medicated with self help and hadn't seen 0:07:40.520 --> 0:07:42.880 a therapist ever and was wondering how to start therapy 0:07:42.920 --> 0:07:46.840 as an adult. Is how she had praised it. This 0:07:46.960 --> 0:07:48.920 is a long overdue follow up, but it took me 0:07:48.960 --> 0:07:51.000 a few months to get started with therapy, and I 0:07:51.040 --> 0:07:53.080 wanted to have a good number of sessions under my 0:07:53.160 --> 0:07:56.160 belt before sending this to know that I've truly committed. 0:07:56.880 --> 0:07:58.960 Since hearing the episode. I've started to meet with a 0:07:59.000 --> 0:08:02.280 therapist weekly. It has already been life changing, and I 0:08:02.320 --> 0:08:04.760 cannot thank you both enough for all of your encouragement 0:08:04.800 --> 0:08:07.480 and giving me the push that I desperately needed. It's 0:08:07.480 --> 0:08:10.000 definitely been really, really hard, and I'm still feeling the 0:08:10.040 --> 0:08:13.360 growing pains of beginning therapy as an adult. But being 0:08:13.400 --> 0:08:16.360 able to be completely honest and say things out loud 0:08:16.360 --> 0:08:18.920 to another person that I've only ever been in my 0:08:18.960 --> 0:08:21.200 head for years has lifted such a weight from my 0:08:21.280 --> 0:08:26.120 chest in mind, I'm learning so much. Chelsea's words, specifically 0:08:26.280 --> 0:08:28.960 be brave and also when she said do you want 0:08:28.960 --> 0:08:30.200 to be brave or do you want to be a 0:08:30.200 --> 0:08:33.960 pussy have become my internal mantras what I'm feeling afraid 0:08:34.200 --> 0:08:37.240 or hesitant before a session or about bringing up a 0:08:37.240 --> 0:08:40.600 specific topic. Ps. My therapist gave me an audiobook to 0:08:40.600 --> 0:08:43.600 listen to after one of our first sessions, and within 0:08:43.679 --> 0:08:46.280 the first few minutes, the author quoted Dan Siegel a 0:08:46.280 --> 0:08:49.000 little signed from the universe. I guess thanks again, A. 0:08:49.760 --> 0:08:51.960 Oh, that's cute. You know, That's what everybody needs is 0:08:52.000 --> 0:08:54.439 like a witness. Sometimes you just need somebody to witness 0:08:54.440 --> 0:08:57.400 what happened to you. And you just have to tell somebody. 0:08:57.559 --> 0:09:00.840 And the therapeutic value of that is so underrated. And 0:09:00.880 --> 0:09:03.319 by the way, it's starting therapy as an adult who cares. 0:09:03.320 --> 0:09:06.439 When you started, it doesn't matter. It's an adjustment, of course, 0:09:06.520 --> 0:09:08.520 like as she mentioned in her letter. But the other 0:09:08.600 --> 0:09:12.480 thing to remember is I heard Brene Brown say this. 0:09:13.040 --> 0:09:16.880 Every person has been through trauma. Everyone at some point. 0:09:17.080 --> 0:09:19.600 The degree of trauma varies from person to person. But 0:09:19.920 --> 0:09:24.679 something has happened where you've been neglected, traumatized, ignored, or abused. 0:09:25.160 --> 0:09:28.360 You'll fit into some bucket of it. And that when 0:09:28.360 --> 0:09:31.959 we reach adulthood, specifically the age of forty, which people 0:09:32.000 --> 0:09:36.679 like to call a midlife crisis, is when the barriers 0:09:36.720 --> 0:09:39.080 that you build around you start to weigh off. Your 0:09:39.120 --> 0:09:42.160 protective layer and your protective coding, the way that you 0:09:42.280 --> 0:09:45.000 learn to deal with this trauma or abuse or whatever 0:09:45.080 --> 0:09:48.600 happens to you or neglect. At a certain age, it 0:09:48.679 --> 0:09:51.960 starts to shed and it doesn't work for you anymore. 0:09:52.160 --> 0:09:56.720 And that's why people at that age most commonly start 0:09:56.760 --> 0:09:58.760 to go, wait a second, what's going on here. I'm 0:09:58.760 --> 0:10:02.240 having all these feelings. I'm not comfortable with the feelings 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:07.400 I'm having I'm having self assurance issues or insecurity, and 0:10:08.200 --> 0:10:10.520 she put it in such a beautiful way, because that 0:10:10.840 --> 0:10:13.240 is what it is. Yeah, we get to an age 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:16.600 where you have to become self actualized in order to 0:10:16.640 --> 0:10:20.560 grow and without delving into the work of what happened 0:10:20.600 --> 0:10:22.600 to you as a kid. And it's not to say 0:10:22.600 --> 0:10:25.199 that everybody had some terrible childhood. It doesn't mean that. 0:10:25.240 --> 0:10:29.800 It just means that you've developed coping mechanisms, coping mechanisms 0:10:29.840 --> 0:10:32.400 to situations that weren't fun for you. 0:10:32.800 --> 0:10:36.160 A family friend of ours who she had been in 0:10:36.160 --> 0:10:40.080 her childhood through like worst case scenario like parents were 0:10:40.120 --> 0:10:42.320 in a cult. There was tons of sexual abuse, like 0:10:42.440 --> 0:10:46.720 really awful, awful stuff, and she said the same thing, 0:10:46.800 --> 0:10:49.160 like when you get to your thirties, everything you have 0:10:49.240 --> 0:10:52.240 to protect you grumbles, like none of it works anymore. 0:10:52.800 --> 0:10:55.760 And for her, she had gotten into like such a 0:10:55.800 --> 0:10:58.600 state of you know, sort of reliving these traumas that 0:10:58.679 --> 0:11:03.120 she was almost inconsolable for a long time, and she 0:11:03.200 --> 0:11:06.959 actually started equine therapy, she started working with horses, and 0:11:07.000 --> 0:11:11.559 for her, because she had such an acute level of damage, 0:11:11.920 --> 0:11:14.200 that was something that like she didn't at first have 0:11:14.280 --> 0:11:17.560 to talk to anybody. It was just about like being 0:11:17.600 --> 0:11:21.760 with an animal, taking care of another being, and that 0:11:21.840 --> 0:11:24.480 was sort of her entree into dealing with all of 0:11:24.480 --> 0:11:26.360 the trauma that she had been through. But I think 0:11:26.400 --> 0:11:29.040 it's true, whether it's like being teased in school or 0:11:29.040 --> 0:11:31.480 whether it's you know, big che traumas like that, we've 0:11:31.520 --> 0:11:33.720 all got something that we're covering up. 0:11:33.920 --> 0:11:36.200 Yeah, like when my parents didn't pick me up from 0:11:36.240 --> 0:11:39.320 Haber School or regular school or from any functions really, 0:11:39.360 --> 0:11:42.160 and we're just I remember telling Dan Siegel about it 0:11:42.200 --> 0:11:45.400 and him saying, that's a neglect, like that you were abandoned. 0:11:45.480 --> 0:11:47.880 And I'm like, well, no, it's not that serious. He goes, No, 0:11:48.040 --> 0:11:51.000 you've convinced yourself it's not that serious. He goes, it 0:11:51.040 --> 0:11:53.040 is serious. You're a little girl waiting for your father 0:11:53.080 --> 0:11:54.559 to pick you up from school and he did show 0:11:54.640 --> 0:11:58.079 up multiple times. That's trauma. And I kept thinking, no, 0:11:58.240 --> 0:12:01.040 that's just too like, but he was. Because the way 0:12:01.160 --> 0:12:05.040 that I am now about being left behind is the 0:12:05.080 --> 0:12:07.199 same as I was when I was a kid. Panic, 0:12:07.720 --> 0:12:09.600 you know, like I have to read. That's why i'm early. 0:12:09.800 --> 0:12:11.200 Even when I try to be late. I have to 0:12:11.200 --> 0:12:13.760 be on time because I don't I just have this 0:12:13.800 --> 0:12:16.720 like internal clock that has developed from all of those 0:12:16.800 --> 0:12:20.080 times where I was left waiting. Yeah mm hmmm, so 0:12:20.160 --> 0:12:21.720 I definitely don't like to be kept waiting. 0:12:21.920 --> 0:12:24.520 Yeah. Well, this is a follow up from Dana. I 0:12:24.520 --> 0:12:25.880 remember who had the creepy. 0:12:25.640 --> 0:12:28.520 Steps ahah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yes. 0:12:28.760 --> 0:12:30.880 And we had read on the podcast a follow up 0:12:30.880 --> 0:12:32.560 from someone else who was like, this could be the 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:36.960 beginning mental health stuff as well. So Dana says, thank 0:12:37.000 --> 0:12:39.480 you so much for sharing the follow ups from other callers. 0:12:39.960 --> 0:12:43.160 I actually agree that it's possible this is the onset 0:12:43.240 --> 0:12:46.200 of mental illness in my steps on. After thinking about 0:12:46.200 --> 0:12:48.840 it some more, I remember that his maternal grandmother was 0:12:48.840 --> 0:12:51.480 mentally ill, as well as one of his uncles, which 0:12:51.520 --> 0:12:53.160 is why it's so important to talk about this stuff 0:12:53.160 --> 0:12:56.040 in families. I'm disheartened, as I was hoping my step 0:12:56.040 --> 0:12:58.319 son's relationship with my son would be one of the 0:12:58.360 --> 0:13:01.200 strongest bonds in their lives. As time goes on, though 0:13:01.240 --> 0:13:04.360 his behavior becomes increasingly odd and worrisome, they have less 0:13:04.360 --> 0:13:07.320 and less contact. Thank you again both for your advice 0:13:07.400 --> 0:13:10.240 and for being awesome all my best, Dana. So it 0:13:10.280 --> 0:13:12.679 sounds like they're sort of like phasing out alone time 0:13:12.760 --> 0:13:17.720 with her son and that's probably for the best. And 0:13:17.960 --> 0:13:21.360 our next email fall up is this one I think 0:13:21.440 --> 0:13:24.280 is so interesting. So Corey had written in during our 0:13:24.360 --> 0:13:27.520 Laurel and Jackson episode and Corey was in a relationship 0:13:27.559 --> 0:13:30.840 with someone who he was like thinking about getting married to, 0:13:31.280 --> 0:13:33.960 and his boyfriend was from another country and they were 0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:35.720 thinking about doing sort of a green card marriage but 0:13:35.760 --> 0:13:39.000 also like being in love. And Laurel and Jackson kept saying, 0:13:39.200 --> 0:13:42.440 I see three months, three months keeps coming up, and 0:13:42.480 --> 0:13:44.320 the caller kept being like, oh, Corey kept being like, 0:13:44.400 --> 0:13:46.960 oh no, no, no, you know nothing's gonna happen in three months. Well, 0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:51.040 Corey says, y'all wanted an update to pass on, and 0:13:51.080 --> 0:13:53.840 I got one for you. He bailed on me. He 0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:56.480 and I dated for another month or two after the podcast. 0:13:56.679 --> 0:13:58.480 I told him how I felt and that I wanted 0:13:58.480 --> 0:14:00.760 to be his boyfriend, try the marriage that he had 0:14:00.800 --> 0:14:03.360 brought up, et cetera. He said he had too much 0:14:03.400 --> 0:14:05.920 going on to commit to any sort of relationship, despite 0:14:05.960 --> 0:14:09.000 having said otherwise. While we were dating. He started calling 0:14:09.080 --> 0:14:12.800 me buddy friend dude, and then bailed on every plan 0:14:12.880 --> 0:14:15.120 I tried to make. We finally went to dinner and 0:14:15.160 --> 0:14:17.120 I told him I won't date someone who won't communicate 0:14:17.120 --> 0:14:19.480 with me or show basic respect of my time and effort. 0:14:20.000 --> 0:14:22.280 We spoke a tiny bit here and there afterward, but 0:14:22.400 --> 0:14:24.680 I'm done with him. On the right side, I got 0:14:24.680 --> 0:14:27.040 some solid jokes out of it. I appreciate your time 0:14:27.040 --> 0:14:29.240 with me during the podcast despite how it turned out. 0:14:29.440 --> 0:14:31.960 It was really cool to chat with you, Chelsea and Laura. 0:14:32.120 --> 0:14:36.480 Thanks Corey exactly, and I did the math of like 0:14:36.600 --> 0:14:39.280 when he emailed in, and I was like, I think 0:14:39.320 --> 0:14:41.040 it was exactly like three mins. 0:14:41.760 --> 0:14:43.760 That's what I think from just doing the math. 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:44.800 Oh that's funny. 0:14:44.920 --> 0:14:48.960 Yeah, yeah, Well, Chelsea, we're going to head into our 0:14:49.120 --> 0:14:53.120 calling in backup segment with Betterhelp, who was sponsoring this segment, 0:14:53.720 --> 0:14:57.520 and today Courtney Cope is joining US licensed marriage family 0:14:57.600 --> 0:15:02.560 therapist and principal clinical operations manager at Betterhelp. Hi Courtney, Hi, Courtney, Hi, 0:15:02.760 --> 0:15:06.840 great to see you both. Hi well, Angela writes dear Chelsea. 0:15:07.280 --> 0:15:09.400 Before I go any further, I just want to point 0:15:09.400 --> 0:15:11.600 out that I love my mother in law dearly, but 0:15:11.640 --> 0:15:13.600 I really could use some advice on how to deal 0:15:13.640 --> 0:15:16.840 with her in certain situations. I need to rewind a 0:15:16.840 --> 0:15:19.720 bit before I was in the picture. My partner, who's 0:15:19.720 --> 0:15:22.240 now thirty seven, lost his sister to cancer when she 0:15:22.320 --> 0:15:25.680 was just fifteen and he was ten. As anyone can imagine, 0:15:25.800 --> 0:15:28.440 this broke them as a family and changed them completely. 0:15:29.080 --> 0:15:30.800 We have a one year old little boy, and since 0:15:30.800 --> 0:15:32.920 having him, I have so much more empathy for what 0:15:32.960 --> 0:15:36.480 they all went through. However, every time we're together, his 0:15:36.640 --> 0:15:40.360 mum breaks down in tears. The crying isn't always about 0:15:40.400 --> 0:15:42.920 her late daughter. Of course, I will always comfort and 0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:44.880 listen when she speaks about her. This will never be 0:15:44.920 --> 0:15:47.560 an issue for me, but it can be over anything. 0:15:48.080 --> 0:15:50.720 It can be over casual conversation about the weather, about 0:15:50.720 --> 0:15:53.000 what books were reading, even what we may be having 0:15:53.000 --> 0:15:56.120 for Tea that evening. A lot of the conversations we have, 0:15:56.280 --> 0:15:59.160 I find she often puts a negative, debbie downer spin on. 0:15:59.200 --> 0:16:02.640 It'll cry and get emotional at other people's problems too, 0:16:02.920 --> 0:16:05.960 even people she barely knows. But lately, I just feel 0:16:05.960 --> 0:16:08.440 like every time we're due to see her, I instantly 0:16:08.480 --> 0:16:12.520 start to feel miserable. It's like I'm anticipating the emotions 0:16:12.520 --> 0:16:14.640 that are about to come, and I feel like the 0:16:14.720 --> 0:16:17.120 life and happiness has been drained from me when I 0:16:17.200 --> 0:16:20.160 leave her. She also has a tendency to make everything 0:16:20.240 --> 0:16:24.200 about her, which is extremely annoying. I completely understand why 0:16:24.240 --> 0:16:26.720 she has this dark side to her, given everything that's 0:16:26.760 --> 0:16:29.160 happened in the past. I'd never want her to feel 0:16:29.200 --> 0:16:31.360 like she can't talk about her daughter to me. I'll 0:16:31.400 --> 0:16:33.760 hold her hand and cry and laugh on the occasion, 0:16:34.160 --> 0:16:36.560 but I can't deal with the constant downing of everything else. 0:16:37.080 --> 0:16:39.120 So do you have any advice on how I can 0:16:39.120 --> 0:16:41.960 handle this going forward. I always try and make light 0:16:42.000 --> 0:16:44.920 of the situations, but it rarely works. Thanks for taking 0:16:44.920 --> 0:16:47.320 the time to read this, Angela. 0:16:47.440 --> 0:16:49.880 Well, Angela, I can't tell you how many therapy sessions 0:16:49.920 --> 0:16:51.960 I've had that started off with. First of all, I 0:16:52.000 --> 0:16:53.960 want to point out that I love my mother in law. 0:16:54.040 --> 0:16:54.880 Dear relief but. 0:16:56.360 --> 0:16:59.600 So super common. I don't think this is a question 0:16:59.640 --> 0:17:03.960 about grief. This is really a question about this woman 0:17:04.040 --> 0:17:07.560 is feeling trapped and not like she can do anything 0:17:07.560 --> 0:17:10.719 about the situation, or that her efforts to change it 0:17:10.760 --> 0:17:13.760 in the past had been unsuccessful. And ideally, in a 0:17:13.800 --> 0:17:16.919 situation like this, I would love to see husband and 0:17:17.000 --> 0:17:21.399 wife sit down together discuss this as a unit, and 0:17:21.520 --> 0:17:24.439 perhaps even take two to three sessions with a couple's 0:17:24.480 --> 0:17:29.520 therapistics or some solutions, because this is really about the husband, 0:17:29.600 --> 0:17:31.639 the wife, and now their new one year old child 0:17:31.800 --> 0:17:34.760 as a unit, deciding how they want to move forward 0:17:34.880 --> 0:17:37.840 with the relationship with his parents in a way that 0:17:38.000 --> 0:17:39.520 works for their family unit. 0:17:39.720 --> 0:17:41.640 Yeah, I think that's good advice because you do need 0:17:41.760 --> 0:17:44.200 like a team member because she does feel so trapped, 0:17:44.240 --> 0:17:45.920 like the idea of having to hang out with somebody 0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:47.919 that's such a debbie downer and knowing that it's an 0:17:47.920 --> 0:17:51.680 obligation of yours by way of marriage isn't fair. It's 0:17:51.760 --> 0:17:54.400 just not only to a degree and you've reached your limit. 0:17:54.440 --> 0:17:57.920 It sounds like right, And the general consensus among most 0:17:57.960 --> 0:18:01.960 couples therapy experts is that it's really important that an 0:18:01.960 --> 0:18:05.159 adult child, when they're now engaging in an intimate adult 0:18:05.200 --> 0:18:09.199 relationship like a marriage, a domestic partnership, they have to 0:18:09.440 --> 0:18:13.360