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Speaker 1: Good afternoon, everybody. I don't know why I say good

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Speaker 1: afternoon when us start days. I'm Chelsea, Hi, what's happening?

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Speaker 1: What's happening, Catherine? So many shit is happening on my

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Speaker 1: end of things. I just can't even keep up.

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Speaker 2: Okay, I need a little bit of advice. I am

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Speaker 2: finding that I'm having such a hard time making a

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Speaker 2: decision on stuff for my house, and I think it's

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Speaker 2: because I just feel like I have to search the

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Speaker 2: depth and breadth of the Internet for every possible choice

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Speaker 2: of something, whether it's like new dog crates for the dogs,

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Speaker 2: or a new sofa or whatever it is that I

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Speaker 2: need next. I'm just having such a hard time with

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Speaker 2: the limitless possibilities before I can make a decision. What

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Speaker 2: do I do?

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Speaker 1: Listen, when you make a decision, when you are decisive,

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Speaker 1: I'm very decisive. I don't like really. I go to

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Speaker 1: my design meetings for my new house and I am

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Speaker 1: in and out of there in forty minutes. I pick, Tyle,

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Speaker 1: I pick because Listen, whatever you buy is gonna make

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Speaker 1: your You're gonna forget about all the other options.

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Speaker 2: That's true, and it's to be fine. It's gonna be

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Speaker 2: the right.

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Speaker 1: One, and unless you make a huge mistake, which you

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Speaker 1: can't with a doggy crate. It's not like you're picking

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Speaker 1: out marble. Yeah you know what I mean. Yeah, you're

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Speaker 1: not gonna make a big mistake. So when you're ever

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Speaker 1: you're indecisive. I always feel like, just make a decision

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Speaker 1: and then that decision becomes the right decision and commit

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Speaker 1: to it.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I all of the decisions of the Internet are really

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Speaker 2: troubling to me.

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Speaker 1: When you're letting the internet run you, I.

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Speaker 2: Am and I need to run the internet, so.

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Speaker 1: I don't go online. That's actually for the w I

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Speaker 1: don't have any Wi Fi at my house, so I

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Speaker 1: can't even look.

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Speaker 2: I've been deleting Instagram. I just like during the week

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Speaker 2: for the most part, I just have it deleted because

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Speaker 2: if it's on my phone, Chelsea, I just pick it

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Speaker 2: up and then I get.

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Speaker 1: Lest oh that's smart, how do you delete it? So

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Speaker 1: you delete it and you take it down and then

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Speaker 1: for the week.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and so your your Instagram is still there. But

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Speaker 2: I just like have the app off of my phone,

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Speaker 2: so like if I need to look at it, like

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Speaker 2: look something up for work, I've got it on my iPad.

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Speaker 2: But I don't have my iPad sitting next to me

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Speaker 2: all of the time. What I find is, even when

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Speaker 2: I don't have it on there, without even thinking, I

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Speaker 2: do it all.

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Speaker 1: The time too. Just do it, Okay, so you can

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Speaker 1: delete it and then you get back your app like okay.

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Speaker 1: So I think that's smart and you should apply that

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Speaker 1: to your shopping.

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Speaker 4: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: I think I need to set myself like a timer

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Speaker 2: and be like, you can look for an hour and

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Speaker 2: then it's.

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Speaker 1: Talking cret like what what what?

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Speaker 2: But it's like it's a it's a symptom of so

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Speaker 2: many different things.

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Speaker 1: It is a symptom. But then you're being run by that,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean? The Internet is running you.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Are you gonna let that happen?

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Speaker 5: Now?

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Speaker 2: I'm not gonna let it happen.

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Speaker 3: Chelsea.

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Speaker 1: We've added second shows. Second shows now to Portland, Los Angeles,

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Speaker 1: the Pantagious, Boston Backwang Center, and I've added second shows

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Speaker 1: New York, Seattle, DC. Go to Chelsea Hammler dot com.

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Speaker 1: This tour has been the most fun. It's so fucking silly.

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Speaker 1: Wait till you see me showing you how I masturbated

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Speaker 1: when I was eight years old.

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Speaker 2: Do you bring a ladle on stage.

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Speaker 1: I don't bring the label on stage, but I demonstrate

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Speaker 1: what I did for about a year of my life

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Speaker 1: when I found out about my Pikachu and all of

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Speaker 1: the pleasure it could offer me. Oh and one city,

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Speaker 1: I want to do a special shout out for is

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Speaker 1: Long Island because we added a show at this It's

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Speaker 1: a little show. It's only a thousand seats called the

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Speaker 1: Clubhouse in East Hampton. So I want to promote that

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Speaker 1: in case anybody here is in the Hampton's over the summer,

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Speaker 1: because that is going to be a nice intimate show.

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Speaker 2: Oh that sounds so lovely. I love a small show.

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Speaker 1: I do too, and I do it. I mean it's nice,

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Speaker 1: you know, for your ego to have bigger crowds. So

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Speaker 1: I like that as well. But I do like intimacy,

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Speaker 1: like I love when I wore my show up at

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Speaker 1: comedy clubs, Like that's always fun, you know, when you

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Speaker 1: can talk to people like upfront, you know, when you're

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Speaker 1: on a theater or in a like an amphitheater and arena,

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Speaker 1: like you can't really it's just like people, yeah, because

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Speaker 1: nobody else can see them, right, And yeah, so there's

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Speaker 1: a little bit more of like a barricade between you

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Speaker 1: and the audience, if you will, Yes, I want to

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Speaker 1: recommend that book, The Covenant of Water.

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Speaker 2: Oh yes, you were starting to read this.

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Speaker 1: It's really really transportive. It takes you to another place.

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Speaker 1: It's it's mystical, it's beautiful, and it makes you just

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Speaker 1: appreciate the world we live in and that people can

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Speaker 1: write these stories that are so beautiful.

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Speaker 2: Just finished reading Malibu Rising, which is by the same

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Speaker 2: author of Daisy Jones on the sixth, but I loved it.

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Speaker 2: You just see her setting up all these different characters

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Speaker 2: and all these different scenarios and then like halfway through

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Speaker 2: the book, she just starts knocking them down like Domino's

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Speaker 2: and it's fantastic. It's a really fun read. It's an

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Speaker 2: easy read, and it's nice before bedtime reading.

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Speaker 1: I finished that book Lucky You, which I think I recommended.

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Speaker 1: That was a good book.

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Speaker 2: That's where I'm reading about.

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Speaker 1: That was about this woman, this Kenyan girl. She grows

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Speaker 1: up with a very overbearing mother and she lives with

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Speaker 1: her like three aunts and I don't know why I

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Speaker 1: said aunts, aunts is how I say, and her grandmother

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Speaker 1: and she doesn't know anything about her father. She finds

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Speaker 1: out something about her father later in life that her

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Speaker 1: mother kept from her, which is very disruptive to her

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Speaker 1: because she kind of felt like nobody told her the truth.

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Speaker 1: Then she gets accepted to Barnard College in New York.

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Speaker 1: She moves there, and she comes from Africa and then

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Speaker 1: goes to the United States. The whole different in racism

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Speaker 1: and being African versus being African American. She has to

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Speaker 1: kind of come up against and she has a couple

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Speaker 1: of relationships. And it's very beautiful too. It's fiction and

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Speaker 1: it's a short book. And then she kind of, you

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Speaker 1: know how her family plays a role in that. Her

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Speaker 1: mom really wants her to go do one specific thing,

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Speaker 1: be a doctor, be a business person, and she wants

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Speaker 1: has cravings to do other things. It is just the

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Speaker 1: story about a coming of age story and your how

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Speaker 1: you deal with your responsibility to your family versus your

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Speaker 1: responsibility to yourself.

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Speaker 2: I love that. I love that. Yeah, Okay, so a

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Speaker 2: few years ago I decided not to waste my one

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Speaker 2: precious life finishing books that I wasn't enjoying. What's your

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Speaker 2: benchmark for that?

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Speaker 1: Do you like always.

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Speaker 2: Finish a book? Do you give a book like fifty

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Speaker 2: or one hundred pages.

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Speaker 1: I like to give it one hundred pages. I recently

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Speaker 1: did put a book down. I won't say what it

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Speaker 1: is because that's not nice, but it was just chick lit,

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Speaker 1: and I don't like that. I like a little bit

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Speaker 1: more elevated. I want to be learning stuff. I want

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Speaker 1: I need to be looking up words when I'm reading. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I need to see words that I don't know the

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Speaker 1: meeting of, and if it's historical, I will never not

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Speaker 1: finish it because I feel like I owe that to society.

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Speaker 1: I owe that to everybody to be as well educated

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Speaker 1: and versed in every topic that I can.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, and to yourself too. You know you are loves

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Speaker 2: continuing education.

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Speaker 1: Yes, I do. I do.

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Speaker 2: I do well, Chelsea. I have some updates speaking of

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Speaker 2: continuing the conversation A from way back in our Jamie

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Speaker 2: Greenberg episode.

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Speaker 1: She had shout out to Jamie. She listens every week.

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Speaker 2: I love her so much.

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Speaker 1: Now I haven't seen her in weeks though I'm going

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Speaker 1: through withdrawals.

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Speaker 2: I feel like she is the person that like every

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Speaker 2: person who meets her is probably like I could be

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Speaker 2: besties with her. She's just so fun by the way.

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Speaker 1: I like your nails. You don't have the pointy ones now? No,

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Speaker 1: I like that.

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Speaker 2: I'm flat.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I wish Jamie would do that. That's why I

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Speaker 1: haven't seen her actually, because of her nails. I have

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Speaker 1: a restraining order against her until she starts going oh

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Speaker 1: natural again.

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Speaker 2: I feel like I accidentally gave myself like like nineties

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Speaker 2: alien nail.

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Speaker 1: No, I like them, Okay, I like them. I mean

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Speaker 1: the twenty one I find tricky. Yeah, how do you

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Speaker 1: give a hand job like that?

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Speaker 2: Very carefully?

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Speaker 1: I like that you guys are still giving each other

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Speaker 1: hand jobs.

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Speaker 2: No one's doing that, that's true, though, I mean I

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Speaker 2: don't know.

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Speaker 1: He's blushing, she's blushing, and I'm single as usual.

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Speaker 2: So a from our Jamie Greenberg episode, she had sort

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Speaker 2: of like self medicated with self help and hadn't seen

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Speaker 2: a therapist ever and was wondering how to start therapy

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Speaker 2: as an adult. Is how she had praised it. This

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Speaker 2: is a long overdue follow up, but it took me

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Speaker 2: a few months to get started with therapy, and I

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Speaker 2: wanted to have a good number of sessions under my

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Speaker 2: belt before sending this to know that I've truly committed.

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Speaker 2: Since hearing the episode. I've started to meet with a

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Speaker 2: therapist weekly. It has already been life changing, and I

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Speaker 2: cannot thank you both enough for all of your encouragement

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Speaker 2: and giving me the push that I desperately needed. It's

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Speaker 2: definitely been really, really hard, and I'm still feeling the

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Speaker 2: growing pains of beginning therapy as an adult. But being

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Speaker 2: able to be completely honest and say things out loud

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Speaker 2: to another person that I've only ever been in my

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Speaker 2: head for years has lifted such a weight from my

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Speaker 2: chest in mind, I'm learning so much. Chelsea's words, specifically

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Speaker 2: be brave and also when she said do you want

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Speaker 2: to be brave or do you want to be a

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Speaker 2: pussy have become my internal mantras what I'm feeling afraid

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Speaker 2: or hesitant before a session or about bringing up a

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Speaker 2: specific topic. Ps. My therapist gave me an audiobook to

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Speaker 2: listen to after one of our first sessions, and within

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Speaker 2: the first few minutes, the author quoted Dan Siegel a

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Speaker 2: little signed from the universe. I guess thanks again, A.

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Speaker 1: Oh, that's cute. You know, That's what everybody needs is

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Speaker 1: like a witness. Sometimes you just need somebody to witness

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Speaker 1: what happened to you. And you just have to tell somebody.

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Speaker 1: And the therapeutic value of that is so underrated. And

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Speaker 1: by the way, it's starting therapy as an adult who cares.

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Speaker 1: When you started, it doesn't matter. It's an adjustment, of course,

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Speaker 1: like as she mentioned in her letter. But the other

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Speaker 1: thing to remember is I heard Brene Brown say this.

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Speaker 1: Every person has been through trauma. Everyone at some point.

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Speaker 1: The degree of trauma varies from person to person. But

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Speaker 1: something has happened where you've been neglected, traumatized, ignored, or abused.

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Speaker 1: You'll fit into some bucket of it. And that when

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Speaker 1: we reach adulthood, specifically the age of forty, which people

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Speaker 1: like to call a midlife crisis, is when the barriers

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Speaker 1: that you build around you start to weigh off. Your

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Speaker 1: protective layer and your protective coding, the way that you

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Speaker 1: learn to deal with this trauma or abuse or whatever

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Speaker 1: happens to you or neglect. At a certain age, it

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Speaker 1: starts to shed and it doesn't work for you anymore.

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Speaker 1: And that's why people at that age most commonly start

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Speaker 1: to go, wait a second, what's going on here. I'm

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Speaker 1: having all these feelings. I'm not comfortable with the feelings

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Speaker 1: I'm having I'm having self assurance issues or insecurity, and

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Speaker 1: she put it in such a beautiful way, because that

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Speaker 1: is what it is. Yeah, we get to an age

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Speaker 1: where you have to become self actualized in order to

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Speaker 1: grow and without delving into the work of what happened

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Speaker 1: to you as a kid. And it's not to say

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Speaker 1: that everybody had some terrible childhood. It doesn't mean that.

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Speaker 1: It just means that you've developed coping mechanisms, coping mechanisms

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Speaker 1: to situations that weren't fun for you.

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Speaker 2: A family friend of ours who she had been in

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Speaker 2: her childhood through like worst case scenario like parents were

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Speaker 2: in a cult. There was tons of sexual abuse, like

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Speaker 2: really awful, awful stuff, and she said the same thing,

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Speaker 2: like when you get to your thirties, everything you have

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Speaker 2: to protect you grumbles, like none of it works anymore.

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Speaker 2: And for her, she had gotten into like such a

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Speaker 2: state of you know, sort of reliving these traumas that

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Speaker 2: she was almost inconsolable for a long time, and she

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Speaker 2: actually started equine therapy, she started working with horses, and

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Speaker 2: for her, because she had such an acute level of damage,

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Speaker 2: that was something that like she didn't at first have

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Speaker 2: to talk to anybody. It was just about like being

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Speaker 2: with an animal, taking care of another being, and that

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Speaker 2: was sort of her entree into dealing with all of

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Speaker 2: the trauma that she had been through. But I think

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Speaker 2: it's true, whether it's like being teased in school or

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Speaker 2: whether it's you know, big che traumas like that, we've

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Speaker 2: all got something that we're covering up.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, like when my parents didn't pick me up from

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Speaker 1: Haber School or regular school or from any functions really,

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Speaker 1: and we're just I remember telling Dan Siegel about it

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Speaker 1: and him saying, that's a neglect, like that you were abandoned.

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Speaker 1: And I'm like, well, no, it's not that serious. He goes, No,

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Speaker 1: you've convinced yourself it's not that serious. He goes, it

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Speaker 1: is serious. You're a little girl waiting for your father

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Speaker 1: to pick you up from school and he did show

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Speaker 1: up multiple times. That's trauma. And I kept thinking, no,

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Speaker 1: that's just too like, but he was. Because the way

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Speaker 1: that I am now about being left behind is the

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Speaker 1: same as I was when I was a kid. Panic,

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Speaker 1: you know, like I have to read. That's why i'm early.

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Speaker 1: Even when I try to be late. I have to

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Speaker 1: be on time because I don't I just have this

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Speaker 1: like internal clock that has developed from all of those

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Speaker 1: times where I was left waiting. Yeah mm hmmm, so

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Speaker 1: I definitely don't like to be kept waiting.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, this is a follow up from Dana. I

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Speaker 2: remember who had the creepy.

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Speaker 1: Steps ahah yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yes.

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Speaker 2: And we had read on the podcast a follow up

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Speaker 2: from someone else who was like, this could be the

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Speaker 2: beginning mental health stuff as well. So Dana says, thank

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Speaker 2: you so much for sharing the follow ups from other callers.

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Speaker 2: I actually agree that it's possible this is the onset

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Speaker 2: of mental illness in my steps on. After thinking about

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Speaker 2: it some more, I remember that his maternal grandmother was

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Speaker 2: mentally ill, as well as one of his uncles, which

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Speaker 2: is why it's so important to talk about this stuff

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Speaker 2: in families. I'm disheartened, as I was hoping my step

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Speaker 2: son's relationship with my son would be one of the

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Speaker 2: strongest bonds in their lives. As time goes on, though

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Speaker 2: his behavior becomes increasingly odd and worrisome, they have less

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Speaker 2: and less contact. Thank you again both for your advice

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Speaker 2: and for being awesome all my best, Dana. So it

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Speaker 2: sounds like they're sort of like phasing out alone time

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Speaker 2: with her son and that's probably for the best. And

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Speaker 2: our next email fall up is this one I think

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Speaker 2: is so interesting. So Corey had written in during our

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Speaker 2: Laurel and Jackson episode and Corey was in a relationship

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Speaker 2: with someone who he was like thinking about getting married to,

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Speaker 2: and his boyfriend was from another country and they were

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Speaker 2: thinking about doing sort of a green card marriage but

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Speaker 2: also like being in love. And Laurel and Jackson kept saying,

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Speaker 2: I see three months, three months keeps coming up, and

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Speaker 2: the caller kept being like, oh, Corey kept being like,

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Speaker 2: oh no, no, no, you know nothing's gonna happen in three months. Well,

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Speaker 2: Corey says, y'all wanted an update to pass on, and

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Speaker 2: I got one for you. He bailed on me. He

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Speaker 2: and I dated for another month or two after the podcast.

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Speaker 2: I told him how I felt and that I wanted

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Speaker 2: to be his boyfriend, try the marriage that he had

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Speaker 2: brought up, et cetera. He said he had too much

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Speaker 2: going on to commit to any sort of relationship, despite

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Speaker 2: having said otherwise. While we were dating. He started calling

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Speaker 2: me buddy friend dude, and then bailed on every plan

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Speaker 2: I tried to make. We finally went to dinner and

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Speaker 2: I told him I won't date someone who won't communicate

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Speaker 2: with me or show basic respect of my time and effort.

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Speaker 2: We spoke a tiny bit here and there afterward, but

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Speaker 2: I'm done with him. On the right side, I got

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Speaker 2: some solid jokes out of it. I appreciate your time

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Speaker 2: with me during the podcast despite how it turned out.

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Speaker 2: It was really cool to chat with you, Chelsea and Laura.

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Speaker 1: Thanks Corey exactly, and I did the math of like

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Speaker 1: when he emailed in, and I was like, I think

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Speaker 1: it was exactly like three mins.

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Speaker 2: That's what I think from just doing the math.

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Speaker 1: Oh that's funny.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Well, Chelsea, we're going to head into our

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Speaker 2: calling in backup segment with Betterhelp, who was sponsoring this segment,

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Speaker 2: and today Courtney Cope is joining US licensed marriage family

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Speaker 2: therapist and principal clinical operations manager at Betterhelp. Hi Courtney, Hi, Courtney, Hi,

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Speaker 2: great to see you both. Hi well, Angela writes dear Chelsea.

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Speaker 2: Before I go any further, I just want to point

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Speaker 2: out that I love my mother in law dearly, but

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Speaker 2: I really could use some advice on how to deal

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Speaker 2: with her in certain situations. I need to rewind a

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Speaker 2: bit before I was in the picture. My partner, who's

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Speaker 2: now thirty seven, lost his sister to cancer when she

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Speaker 2: was just fifteen and he was ten. As anyone can imagine,

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Speaker 2: this broke them as a family and changed them completely.

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Speaker 2: We have a one year old little boy, and since

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Speaker 2: having him, I have so much more empathy for what

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Speaker 2: they all went through. However, every time we're together, his

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Speaker 2: mum breaks down in tears. The crying isn't always about

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Speaker 2: her late daughter. Of course, I will always comfort and

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Speaker 2: listen when she speaks about her. This will never be

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Speaker 2: an issue for me, but it can be over anything.

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Speaker 2: It can be over casual conversation about the weather, about

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Speaker 2: what books were reading, even what we may be having

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Speaker 2: for Tea that evening. A lot of the conversations we have,

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Speaker 2: I find she often puts a negative, debbie downer spin on.

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Speaker 2: It'll cry and get emotional at other people's problems too,

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Speaker 2: even people she barely knows. But lately, I just feel

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Speaker 2: like every time we're due to see her, I instantly

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Speaker 2: start to feel miserable. It's like I'm anticipating the emotions

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Speaker 2: that are about to come, and I feel like the

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Speaker 2: life and happiness has been drained from me when I

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Speaker 2: leave her. She also has a tendency to make everything

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Speaker 2: about her, which is extremely annoying. I completely understand why

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Speaker 2: she has this dark side to her, given everything that's

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Speaker 2: happened in the past. I'd never want her to feel

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Speaker 2: like she can't talk about her daughter to me. I'll

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Speaker 2: hold her hand and cry and laugh on the occasion,

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Speaker 2: but I can't deal with the constant downing of everything else.

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Speaker 2: So do you have any advice on how I can

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Speaker 2: handle this going forward. I always try and make light

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Speaker 2: of the situations, but it rarely works. Thanks for taking

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Speaker 2: the time to read this, Angela.

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Speaker 6: Well, Angela, I can't tell you how many therapy sessions

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Speaker 6: I've had that started off with. First of all, I

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Speaker 6: want to point out that I love my mother in law.

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Speaker 3: Dear relief but.

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Speaker 6: So super common. I don't think this is a question

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Speaker 6: about grief. This is really a question about this woman

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Speaker 6: is feeling trapped and not like she can do anything

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Speaker 6: about the situation, or that her efforts to change it

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Speaker 6: in the past had been unsuccessful. And ideally, in a

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Speaker 6: situation like this, I would love to see husband and

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Speaker 6: wife sit down together discuss this as a unit, and

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Speaker 6: perhaps even take two to three sessions with a couple's

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Speaker 6: therapistics or some solutions, because this is really about the husband,

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Speaker 6: the wife, and now their new one year old child

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Speaker 6: as a unit, deciding how they want to move forward

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Speaker 6: with the relationship with his parents in a way that

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Speaker 6: works for their family unit.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that's good advice because you do need

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Speaker 1: like a team member because she does feel so trapped,

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Speaker 1: like the idea of having to hang out with somebody

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Speaker 1: that's such a debbie downer and knowing that it's an

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Speaker 1: obligation of yours by way of marriage isn't fair. It's

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Speaker 1: just not only to a degree and you've reached your limit.

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Speaker 6: It sounds like right, And the general consensus among most

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Speaker 6: couples therapy experts is that it's really important that an

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Speaker 6: adult child, when they're now engaging in an intimate adult

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Speaker 6: relationship like a marriage, a domestic partnership, they have to

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Speaker 6: choose their partner over their parent. And what I mean

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Speaker 6: by that is if something isn't working for their partner

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Speaker 6: or something's affecting their partner, they have to prioritize their

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Speaker 6: partner's feelings over their parents in order to be able

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Speaker 6: to move forward. And have not only a healthy relationship,

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Speaker 6: but a healthy adult experience, because no adult should be

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Speaker 6: under the thumb of their mother or father's will imperpetuity, right,

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Speaker 6: that would just hinder them as an adult for the

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Speaker 6: rest of their life. So that would be what I

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Speaker 6: would say about that. But also I just of course

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Speaker 6: have to say losing a child is of course considered

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Speaker 6: one of the most ultimate tragedies, and of course is

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Speaker 6: going to impact somebody for the rest of their life

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Speaker 6: in some way or another. That being said, it is

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Speaker 6: not this person's job to be their mother in law's therapist,

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Speaker 6: to sit down and find solutions specific for their mother

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Speaker 6: in law. So this is really I think about the

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Speaker 6: husband and wife having constructive conversations here.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, because it is his responsibility to get the

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Speaker 1: situation started. You know, it's his mom.

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Speaker 2: When that moment comes and you're like sitting around the

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Speaker 2: table talking about literally the weather, and she breaks down

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Speaker 2: in tears, what's the move? I mean, my instinct is

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Speaker 2: to be like, I'm going to give you a couple minutes,

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Speaker 2: like they're there, I'm going to give you a couple

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Speaker 2: of minutes and walk away. But like that also feels

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Speaker 2: a little icy cold from me, what's the move to,

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Speaker 2: like break the cycle that she knows is coming.

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Speaker 3: Right?

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Speaker 6: In an ideal world, we would have husband and wife

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Speaker 6: ahead of time, deciding, like, hey, if mom starts crying

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Speaker 6: or mother in law starts crying at this visit, husband

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Speaker 6: is going to step in and he's gonna take over

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Speaker 6: say something. Wife can excuse herself whatever it is, but

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Speaker 6: let's just say it's just her and mother in law, right.

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Speaker 6: I don't think there's anything wrong with deciding ahead of time.

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Speaker 6: What do I have capacity for if I don't want

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00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,760
Speaker 6: to go down this road for more than fifteen seconds

439
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:13,440
Speaker 6: or thirty five seconds? Doing exactly what you said, Catherine

440
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:17,440
Speaker 6: is totally appropriate, Like I hear you, and I'm gonna

441
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:19,879
Speaker 6: step outside and get some fresh air. You know, I'm

442
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,159
Speaker 6: gonna go pour another cup of tea. Anything to pattern

443
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:25,560
Speaker 6: interrupt would be really useful. But the other thing I

444
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:28,840
Speaker 6: would also encourage is to have husband and wife ahead

445
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:31,760
Speaker 6: of time maybe start looking at the ways they're spending

446
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:35,240
Speaker 6: time with mother in law and if there's ways they

447
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:40,040
Speaker 6: can redirect that quality time together into avenues that maybe

448
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,399
Speaker 6: won't bring it about as much. Now I want to

449
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,240
Speaker 6: acknowledge they might be limited. They have a one year old,

450
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:45,920
Speaker 6: so it's not like they can take the one year

451
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:47,760
Speaker 6: old and just like go to theater or movies with

452
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:48,080
Speaker 6: the mother.

453
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:49,919
Speaker 1: Yeah, have you thought about taking your mother skiing?

454
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:54,760
Speaker 6: I hear Chelsea's good at that. So they definitely want

455
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:59,720
Speaker 6: to do things that are not just sitting and staring

456
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:01,920
Speaker 6: at you each other across from their cup of tea, right,

457
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:05,160
Speaker 6: because that's going to invite probably conversations that they don't

458
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,919
Speaker 6: want to have. So thinking ahead of time of what

459
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:10,280
Speaker 6: they could do, having a plan with her husband that

460
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:12,480
Speaker 6: if it does come up, what's he going to do

461
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,120
Speaker 6: to step in? And then the last thing I'll say

462
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:17,520
Speaker 6: is if someone is going to speak directly to the

463
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:21,879
Speaker 6: mother in law about her behavior or her grief or

464
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:25,480
Speaker 6: how anything she's doing is impacting anyone, it has to

465
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:27,520
Speaker 6: be from the husband. I would say it would be

466
00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:30,000
Speaker 6: very difficult for that conversation to go well if it

467
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,600
Speaker 6: came from the wife. And if it comes from the husband,

468
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,479
Speaker 6: him and his mom have a shared experience of grief.

469
00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:39,720
Speaker 6: They both lost a loved one, and so I think

470
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:41,960
Speaker 6: even for him to be able to say, you know,

471
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:45,159
Speaker 6: I get it, it's so hard we lost this person

472
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:48,439
Speaker 6: that we love, and I'm working to be more in

473
00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,080
Speaker 6: the moment, and I'd love for you to be more

474
00:21:50,080 --> 00:21:52,479
Speaker 6: in the moment with me. Just something that relates to

475
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,480
Speaker 6: her instead of shaming her, blaming her, I think would

476
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:56,440
Speaker 6: be really important here.

477
00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:00,439
Speaker 2: Courtney Cope, thank you. Courtney is a licensed marriage and

478
00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:04,360
Speaker 2: family therapist and principal clinical operations manager at Betterhelp. And

479
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:07,480
Speaker 2: of course, thank you again to Better Help for sponsoring

480
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:08,440
Speaker 2: calling him back up.

481
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:10,040
Speaker 6: Thanks so much for having me.

482
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:10,600
Speaker 1: Thanks Cording.

483
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:13,679
Speaker 2: Thanks Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be

484
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:14,720
Speaker 2: back with some callers.

485
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:20,399
Speaker 1: Okay, and we are back.

486
00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:21,560
Speaker 3: We are back.

487
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:24,320
Speaker 1: I've decided to start changing the way I say we're

488
00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:25,760
Speaker 1: back because it's starting to annoy me.

489
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:28,119
Speaker 2: That's all right, someone wrote in They're like, you know,

490
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:29,879
Speaker 2: you guys don't have to announce it. I'm like, but

491
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,160
Speaker 2: it's the bit for the people who are in the room.

492
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:33,240
Speaker 2: There's no actual break.

493
00:22:33,440 --> 00:22:35,320
Speaker 1: Tell that person a file a lawsuit. If I don't

494
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:36,800
Speaker 1: like it, I will, I will.

495
00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:38,080
Speaker 4: So.

496
00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:45,080
Speaker 2: Our first email comes from Zach. Zach says, I first

497
00:22:45,119 --> 00:22:46,560
Speaker 2: want to say how much of a fan I am

498
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,040
Speaker 2: of your podcast and all that you do. I loved

499
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:52,560
Speaker 2: seeing I read Rocks Chelsea. Now onto my question. I

500
00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:55,480
Speaker 2: just turned thirty three, recently married my husband, and have

501
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,920
Speaker 2: an overall great life. However, now that I'm getting older,

502
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:01,000
Speaker 2: I realized that I I still do not really know

503
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:04,160
Speaker 2: who I am. I tend to come off timid, self conscious,

504
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:07,119
Speaker 2: and doubtful in my life and my career. Although I

505
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:09,120
Speaker 2: have a great job and perform well in my role.

506
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:12,000
Speaker 2: I want to be more confident and display more presence.

507
00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,240
Speaker 2: What are some actionable things you've done in your life

508
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:18,320
Speaker 2: to better understand yourself, your purpose, and grow into the

509
00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:22,000
Speaker 2: confident person you are? Mushrooms, who better to ask than you?

510
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:22,159
Speaker 6: Too?

511
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:24,920
Speaker 2: Kindest regards, Zachary Reading.

512
00:23:25,359 --> 00:23:28,920
Speaker 1: I reading is an answer to everything that It tells

513
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:31,919
Speaker 1: you what you're interested in, what makes you learn. It

514
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:35,480
Speaker 1: shows you your aptitude for growth and interest in other

515
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:39,040
Speaker 1: cultures and situations that are different than you. And it

516
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:42,240
Speaker 1: really doesn't matter what you read, but you should read

517
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:46,560
Speaker 1: stuff that isn't like your life like. It doesn't matter

518
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:49,679
Speaker 1: if you're reading fiction or nonfiction, or magazines or newspapers.

519
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:52,040
Speaker 1: It's just good to take you out of yourself. I

520
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:54,639
Speaker 1: feel like the biggest growth that could happen is from learning,

521
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,640
Speaker 1: and how can you learn more than by reading?

522
00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:59,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that. I love that, And there's a

523
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,560
Speaker 2: certain lont of like fake it till you make it too.

524
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:03,960
Speaker 2: I think confidence is something that when you walk into

525
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:06,119
Speaker 2: a room and even if you just tell yourself like

526
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:08,880
Speaker 2: I'm confident I deserve to be here, I think that's

527
00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:11,480
Speaker 2: really helpful. One thing that I came across the other

528
00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:14,520
Speaker 2: day as I was going through some emails was a

529
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:18,240
Speaker 2: specific task that an old mentor of mine had given me,

530
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,800
Speaker 2: and he said, I want you to write to you know,

531
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:25,080
Speaker 2: your ten closest people, whether that's family, friends, and ask

532
00:24:25,200 --> 00:24:28,840
Speaker 2: them what do you think are your unique capabilities or

533
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,440
Speaker 2: about yourself? So you would say, what do you think

534
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:33,040
Speaker 2: are my unique capabilities? What do you think I do

535
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,520
Speaker 2: better than anybody else? Or some of my best qualities?

536
00:24:37,119 --> 00:24:39,520
Speaker 2: And I kind of was flipping through. I had done

537
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:43,440
Speaker 2: this like ten years ago, and these unique capabilities that

538
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,040
Speaker 2: people reflect back at you, that they've experienced you doing,

539
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:50,680
Speaker 2: become so fascinating because it's stuff you don't necessarily even

540
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,560
Speaker 2: see in yourself. But having people who you know, you

541
00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:55,480
Speaker 2: can trust, who care about you telling you.

542
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:55,960
Speaker 3: I love that.

543
00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:58,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a great idea. I could never get away

544
00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:01,040
Speaker 1: with something like that because my whole world revolves around me.

545
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:03,479
Speaker 1: So my family would be like, are you fucking kidding me?

546
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:06,680
Speaker 1: More with you? But that is a great exercise for

547
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:08,479
Speaker 1: anybody to do, because I would love to get an

548
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:09,600
Speaker 1: email like that from one of my.

549
00:25:09,560 --> 00:25:11,720
Speaker 2: Friends totally, and you'd be like, here's all the things

550
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,680
Speaker 2: are great at because other people's experience of us sometimes

551
00:25:15,119 --> 00:25:17,800
Speaker 2: sometimes there's a lot more positive than what we have

552
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:20,440
Speaker 2: going on inside or the timidity we might have going

553
00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:21,520
Speaker 2: right outside.

554
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:25,080
Speaker 1: Right and expanding your knowledge as always, Like when I

555
00:25:25,119 --> 00:25:27,400
Speaker 1: talk about reading so much, it's because a it gives

556
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,840
Speaker 1: you something to discuss, right, You can always bring that

557
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:32,520
Speaker 1: up in a conversation, so it's a conversation starter. You know,

558
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:37,080
Speaker 1: sometimes our brains shut down when we're low or depressed

559
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:41,040
Speaker 1: or tired. We don't have a lot of growth happening, right,

560
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,920
Speaker 1: So if you want your brain circuitry to always be electric,

561
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:47,679
Speaker 1: there is that is the best way to do that

562
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:51,960
Speaker 1: is to engage and not by being online and watching Instagram.

563
00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:55,440
Speaker 1: That's not going to do it. That's dead energy. Watching

564
00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:57,919
Speaker 1: TV can also be dead energy unless you're watching a

565
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:00,399
Speaker 1: documentary and there's a lot of learnings in there. But

566
00:26:00,960 --> 00:26:04,040
Speaker 1: active energy is you know, filling yourself up with so

567
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:07,840
Speaker 1: there's just so much value in it. And I love

568
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,119
Speaker 1: to know things that I don't know about so that

569
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:15,199
Speaker 1: I'm not so harsh to judge things that are not

570
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:18,120
Speaker 1: familiar to me. And I think reading is a great

571
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:21,000
Speaker 1: vehicle for that. And it does instill confidence in you

572
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:24,440
Speaker 1: because you get a better command over the use of language.

573
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:26,520
Speaker 1: You understand differences better.

574
00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 3: I know.

575
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:30,919
Speaker 1: I just I should just go to a biblioteca and

576
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:34,960
Speaker 1: register myself as as a permanent librarian. That's what will

577
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,639
Speaker 1: make me happy. Maybe I'll do that in Spain in

578
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:39,600
Speaker 1: my old age. I'll become a librarian at a bibliotecha

579
00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:42,200
Speaker 1: when I finally get command over the Spanish language.

580
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,560
Speaker 2: Reading in Spanish is a whole other thing. I always

581
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:46,960
Speaker 2: have to look up a lot of things. Yeah, it's,

582
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:50,919
Speaker 2: you know, different than conversation. Our first caller today is Beth.

583
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:55,280
Speaker 2: She is forty one. She's a personal trainer. She says,

584
00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:58,520
Speaker 2: I met a guy four months ago on a dating app.

585
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,280
Speaker 2: There were red flags at first, like him being in

586
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,840
Speaker 2: prison a decade ago for two years for trespassing supposedly

587
00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:07,399
Speaker 2: which didn't make sense to me, and that he didn't

588
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,800
Speaker 2: have any friends However, we connected quickly and things moved

589
00:27:10,960 --> 00:27:14,080
Speaker 2: very fast. I was vulnerable, looking for love and a

590
00:27:14,119 --> 00:27:16,879
Speaker 2: real connection. He told me he loved me after a

591
00:27:16,960 --> 00:27:19,679
Speaker 2: month and was even talking about moving in together. He

592
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:22,320
Speaker 2: wanted to be with me all the time, which I liked,

593
00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:24,840
Speaker 2: but now knows a red flag him being needy and

594
00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:28,879
Speaker 2: very codependent. Every weekend he would buy molly and cocaine

595
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:33,920
Speaker 2: and said it was just a weekend thing. He would

596
00:27:33,920 --> 00:27:36,760
Speaker 2: also drink and get angry over nothing and block me

597
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:39,159
Speaker 2: for days at a time, and then come back and

598
00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,480
Speaker 2: tell me he was seeking out other women but missed me.

599
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:44,000
Speaker 2: At the end, he told me he cheated on me

600
00:27:44,119 --> 00:27:46,199
Speaker 2: and he was sorry, but he needed to break it

601
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:49,800
Speaker 2: off to work on himself. Our relationship lasted about three months.

602
00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:52,360
Speaker 2: Less than a week after he ended things, I came

603
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:54,840
Speaker 2: to find out he made friends with people in my

604
00:27:54,920 --> 00:27:58,359
Speaker 2: apartment complex, most of whom I know do drugs as well,

605
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,399
Speaker 2: including a friend of mine. Then I heard from our

606
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:04,000
Speaker 2: mutual friend that they are now dating, and he's already

607
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,439
Speaker 2: told her he loves her, love bombing her like he

608
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:08,920
Speaker 2: did to me. It's been a little over a week

609
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:11,400
Speaker 2: now and I see his car in my parking garage

610
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:12,760
Speaker 2: twenty four to sevens.

611
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:14,520
Speaker 1: It's a gross person.

612
00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:17,960
Speaker 2: Yep. It seems like he's already moved in. I even

613
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:19,639
Speaker 2: saw him when he was going to his car in

614
00:28:19,680 --> 00:28:21,879
Speaker 2: my garage and I was in my car leaving for work.

615
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,000
Speaker 2: We made eye contact as I drove by. He's technically

616
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:26,800
Speaker 2: not even allowed to be parked in my garage because

617
00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:29,119
Speaker 2: he's not a resident, but my complex doesn't do anything

618
00:28:29,119 --> 00:28:31,880
Speaker 2: about it, even though I reported him. I've also seen

619
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,280
Speaker 2: him from a far walking her dog in the complex.

620
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:38,160
Speaker 2: I've realized he's a manipulator, compulsive liar, and possibly a

621
00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:41,080
Speaker 2: con artist who probably tries this with every girl he meets.

622
00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:43,000
Speaker 2: But it's been getting pretty hard to get over the

623
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 2: whole situation. I've blocked him in this now former friend,

624
00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:49,080
Speaker 2: but I'm finding myself looking over my shoulder in my complex.

625
00:28:49,360 --> 00:28:51,480
Speaker 2: I don't want anything to do with him or her,

626
00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:53,680
Speaker 2: but now I feel like I need to move. My

627
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,000
Speaker 2: lease is up in about three weeks, but I also

628
00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:58,040
Speaker 2: have rent control and I love the area I've been

629
00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:00,640
Speaker 2: living in for seven years, and no, I won't find

630
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:02,480
Speaker 2: a place I can afford where I want to live.

631
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:05,040
Speaker 2: My friends keep telling me this won't last. Should I

632
00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:07,480
Speaker 2: move or should I stay and wait it out? Bath?

633
00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:08,480
Speaker 2: Hi Bath?

634
00:29:08,960 --> 00:29:11,120
Speaker 1: Now, Hi, sorry that you had to deal with such

635
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:12,880
Speaker 1: a scumbag. He's so disgusting.

636
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:13,680
Speaker 6: I thank you.

637
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:14,680
Speaker 4: I'm still dealing with it.

638
00:29:14,760 --> 00:29:16,000
Speaker 3: I know, I know.

639
00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:18,680
Speaker 1: I have two thoughts. I don't think you should move

640
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:21,880
Speaker 1: because this relationship is not going to last. He's unstable

641
00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:26,040
Speaker 1: and he's just siphoning off of whomever is available. But

642
00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:29,080
Speaker 1: do you feel like he could potentially be a dangerous person?

643
00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:30,560
Speaker 4: I don't think so.

644
00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:32,040
Speaker 1: What was he in prison for?

645
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:35,360
Speaker 5: Again? He says trustpassing, but I mean he's in prison

646
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:36,560
Speaker 5: for trustpassing for two years.

647
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:37,920
Speaker 4: I don't know. I think I think he's lying.

648
00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:40,160
Speaker 1: I think you should look that up and find out.

649
00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:41,760
Speaker 1: There's got to be a public record of what he

650
00:29:41,840 --> 00:29:42,440
Speaker 1: served time for.

651
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:46,520
Speaker 5: Yeah, I tried, but it's I think it's over ten years,

652
00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:49,600
Speaker 5: so I'm not sure if I can get those records.

653
00:29:49,760 --> 00:29:51,760
Speaker 4: I don't think he's dangerous. I think he would have

654
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:53,040
Speaker 4: done something by now.

655
00:29:53,080 --> 00:29:54,680
Speaker 5: I did put like a ring camera on my door,

656
00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:57,320
Speaker 5: and I have a tesla of the records. You know,

657
00:29:57,360 --> 00:30:00,240
Speaker 5: if you go near my car. Oh good, I feel

658
00:30:00,240 --> 00:30:01,080
Speaker 5: safe in that respect.

659
00:30:01,880 --> 00:30:04,080
Speaker 1: Okay, Yeah, I mean, if he's getting Molly on the weekends.

660
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:06,720
Speaker 1: That usually doesn't lead to danger, but I mean, who knows,

661
00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:10,760
Speaker 1: you know, I mean alcohol cocaine does. So I don't

662
00:30:10,800 --> 00:30:13,479
Speaker 1: think you should move. Okay, it doesn't sound like you're

663
00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:15,800
Speaker 1: in danger. You're just it's very irritating for you to

664
00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:17,520
Speaker 1: have to deal with this. And then, but you know

665
00:30:17,560 --> 00:30:20,360
Speaker 1: what kind of person he is, he will definitely do

666
00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:23,160
Speaker 1: the same thing with this woman. It will happen and

667
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:24,000
Speaker 1: he will be gone.

668
00:30:24,520 --> 00:30:25,320
Speaker 4: Used to be my friend.

669
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:27,440
Speaker 5: I mean she lives in my complex too, and she

670
00:30:27,760 --> 00:30:29,880
Speaker 5: was my friend for like two years. I hear from

671
00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:31,320
Speaker 5: other people she's saying, I mean, I know this just

672
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,760
Speaker 5: make herself feel better. Then we were never friends.

673
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:38,240
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, so she's not open having a conversation with you, right.

674
00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:39,680
Speaker 4: Yeah, I don't think so. I mean I blocked her.

675
00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:41,040
Speaker 4: I don't want to deal with her, but I still

676
00:30:41,080 --> 00:30:41,240
Speaker 4: have to.

677
00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:43,360
Speaker 5: Also, she lives in my complex too, so it's like

678
00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:44,840
Speaker 5: I'd risk running into her as well.

679
00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:47,480
Speaker 1: I think, just we really play the high road on

680
00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:49,640
Speaker 1: this one. Do not interact with them. You don't have

681
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:52,320
Speaker 1: to have any business with them. Who cares what she's saying?

682
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:54,880
Speaker 1: Who cares what she'll have us to be singing a

683
00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:56,719
Speaker 1: different tune when she gets sucked over by him. I

684
00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:59,680
Speaker 1: assure you that she will be knocking on your door

685
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:02,520
Speaker 1: to commiserate about the idiot that you both dated, but

686
00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:05,320
Speaker 1: it'll be too late by then. Just I know, it's

687
00:31:05,320 --> 00:31:08,400
Speaker 1: an icky situation, but it's not permanent. It's not gonna

688
00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:11,960
Speaker 1: last for very long. And don't disrupt your life because

689
00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:14,840
Speaker 1: of some idiot and be grateful that you only spent

690
00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:15,640
Speaker 1: three months with him.

691
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:18,360
Speaker 4: Yeah right, I'm hoping. I'm hoping that's the case. Everyone

692
00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:19,400
Speaker 4: says it's not gonna last.

693
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:21,520
Speaker 5: It's just like it's like he's been I just see

694
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:23,360
Speaker 5: his car in my garage and it's not supposed to

695
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:25,320
Speaker 5: be there, but my complex is not doing anything about

696
00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:26,840
Speaker 5: it all the time.

697
00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:27,800
Speaker 4: It's just always there.

698
00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:30,959
Speaker 2: It does feel very con artist, like I'm glad that

699
00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:33,480
Speaker 2: you said that. Did he ask you for money or

700
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:35,760
Speaker 2: like have you pay for stuff or that sort of thing.

701
00:31:36,920 --> 00:31:38,720
Speaker 4: It seemed like he was getting there.

702
00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:42,200
Speaker 5: But I think also that he knew he couldn't scam

703
00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:45,120
Speaker 5: me like that, so that's why he stopped it with me.

704
00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:49,280
Speaker 5: And he knows like she's more vulnerable, uh huh, and

705
00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:50,760
Speaker 5: he can get away with it with her. That's what

706
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:52,400
Speaker 5: it seems like, I mean, he was also talking about

707
00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:53,920
Speaker 5: moving in with me too it right away.

708
00:31:54,280 --> 00:31:56,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think I feel like this guy is like

709
00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:58,600
Speaker 2: doesn't have a home, and he's just like moving in

710
00:31:58,640 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 2: with whatever girl will have him.

711
00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 4: It seems though.

712
00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,800
Speaker 5: I mean I've been to his apartment, I mean before,

713
00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:04,920
Speaker 5: but I don't know.

714
00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:05,720
Speaker 4: It could be.

715
00:32:07,040 --> 00:32:09,400
Speaker 1: But I mean, if there is any danger, if there

716
00:32:09,440 --> 00:32:12,040
Speaker 1: at any point you feel like you're in danger, you

717
00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:15,240
Speaker 1: really have to engage the police. Yeah, you can't take

718
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:19,280
Speaker 1: a risk like that and think, oh, if somebody's not dangerous,

719
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:21,080
Speaker 1: that's what a lot of people think that about a

720
00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:24,120
Speaker 1: lot of people, and with his record and not knowing

721
00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:26,240
Speaker 1: why he was in prison and his drug use and

722
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:28,640
Speaker 1: all of those things. Like obviously you don't have to

723
00:32:28,680 --> 00:32:32,000
Speaker 1: do that prematurely, but if something starts to happen that

724
00:32:32,040 --> 00:32:34,720
Speaker 1: you feel unsafe, like I don't want you running around

725
00:32:34,760 --> 00:32:36,600
Speaker 1: being like get his car out of the parking lot.

726
00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:38,960
Speaker 1: Who gives a shit? Like let them go fucking be

727
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:43,200
Speaker 1: idiots together, Good riddance. It's unfortunate you have to see

728
00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:44,960
Speaker 1: your ex. You know, nobody wants to see their X

729
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:47,280
Speaker 1: all the time. But I wouldn't make it, you know,

730
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:49,720
Speaker 1: I have a huge impact on your life and where

731
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:51,840
Speaker 1: you move right right, I don't want to move.

732
00:32:51,840 --> 00:32:53,440
Speaker 4: I don't think it's to go that I have to move.

733
00:32:53,960 --> 00:32:55,320
Speaker 2: No, no, don't do it.

734
00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:55,920
Speaker 1: Don't talk.

735
00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:58,640
Speaker 2: I agree with Chelsea, like if you do start feeling

736
00:32:58,720 --> 00:33:01,440
Speaker 2: unsafe where he's approaching you or threatening you, then like

737
00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:04,520
Speaker 2: it's time for a restraining order. But like that isn't

738
00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:06,760
Speaker 2: necessarily going to keep him away, but it would be

739
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:09,160
Speaker 2: something you could bring to your apartment complex and say, like,

740
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 2: I have this legal document he can't park here, da

741
00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:13,480
Speaker 2: da da. But that's I think down the road.

742
00:33:13,640 --> 00:33:15,920
Speaker 1: Other than that, I think you're not gonna have to

743
00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:17,640
Speaker 1: deal with him in a couple of months. I hope.

744
00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:19,960
Speaker 5: So. I mean, it's been like two weeks and I'm

745
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:22,760
Speaker 5: like just hoping that this falls apart soon.

746
00:33:23,360 --> 00:33:24,880
Speaker 2: Go on a vacation, get out of here.

747
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:28,240
Speaker 4: At break. Thank you.

748
00:33:28,320 --> 00:33:29,959
Speaker 1: Yeah, if you can, all right, we'll keep us posted.

749
00:33:30,120 --> 00:33:31,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, let us know what happens.

750
00:33:31,760 --> 00:33:33,360
Speaker 1: I will take care.

751
00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:35,400
Speaker 4: Thank you so much. Love you guys.

752
00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:37,440
Speaker 1: You love me too.

753
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:40,560
Speaker 2: Bye Bye.

754
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:44,440
Speaker 1: That's unfortunate, I know, isn't that creepy?

755
00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:46,560
Speaker 2: I'm like, oh awful.

756
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,120
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't know how i'd feel about having to

757
00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:51,160
Speaker 1: see somebody all the time, but when you know somebody

758
00:33:51,240 --> 00:33:55,320
Speaker 1: is such a loser, it kind of takes the sting

759
00:33:55,360 --> 00:33:58,080
Speaker 1: out of the breakup. Yeah, dated an idiot.

760
00:33:57,920 --> 00:33:59,880
Speaker 2: Like you said, It's just like, thank goodness, she figured

761
00:33:59,920 --> 00:34:02,880
Speaker 2: out what was going on soon enough and got away

762
00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:06,000
Speaker 2: from him. Because I don't know people like that. They're

763
00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:06,680
Speaker 2: pretty scary.

764
00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:09,800
Speaker 1: I mean, cocaine and Molly on the weekend is like

765
00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:17,200
Speaker 1: maybe one weekend. Like the casualness of saying that is ridiculous.

766
00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:20,640
Speaker 2: Clearly not every weekend. Maybe not every weekend.

767
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:23,759
Speaker 1: I mean, Molly's fine, but cocaine is another story. I

768
00:34:23,800 --> 00:34:25,120
Speaker 1: speak from experience.

769
00:34:29,560 --> 00:34:33,880
Speaker 2: Britney says, Dear Chelsea, my younger sister and I have

770
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:36,520
Speaker 2: always been very close, even though we've lived in different

771
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:39,040
Speaker 2: states for six years. We talk every day and tell

772
00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:43,200
Speaker 2: each other everything cute. She's my best friend. Here's the problem.

773
00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:44,520
Speaker 2: She has a shit husband.

774
00:34:45,239 --> 00:34:46,520
Speaker 1: She's gonna happen right.

775
00:34:47,160 --> 00:34:50,680
Speaker 2: He's a cheating, gaslighting narcissist. They got married when they

776
00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:53,840
Speaker 2: were eighteen, when he enlisted in the army. They moved

777
00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:55,560
Speaker 2: out of state and had their first kid when they

778
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:59,320
Speaker 2: were nineteen. They're now twenty four and have three kids

779
00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:02,959
Speaker 2: under four. Before she got pregnant with her first kid,

780
00:35:03,040 --> 00:35:05,880
Speaker 2: she found out that her husband was active on dating websites.

781
00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:09,480
Speaker 2: She confronted him, they quote worked it out, and continued

782
00:35:09,520 --> 00:35:12,439
Speaker 2: on with their relationship. Fast forward, when her second kid

783
00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:15,160
Speaker 2: was six months old, she found out with hard proof

784
00:35:15,239 --> 00:35:17,879
Speaker 2: that her husband had cheated on her countless times over

785
00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:20,799
Speaker 2: the previous two years. She began the process of leaving

786
00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:23,080
Speaker 2: him and figuring out what their new lives would look like.

787
00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:26,239
Speaker 2: Then somehow he talked his way back into a relationship

788
00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:29,400
Speaker 2: with her. This has repeated itself in different forms a

789
00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:32,600
Speaker 2: few more times since then. Every time shit hits the fan,

790
00:35:32,760 --> 00:35:35,800
Speaker 2: he plays the victim, makes her feel crazy, then professes

791
00:35:35,800 --> 00:35:38,840
Speaker 2: his guilt and love, and says he's willing to change.

792
00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:42,480
Speaker 2: Needless to say, it's obvious he will never change. I

793
00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:44,600
Speaker 2: know that the main reason she stays is because she's

794
00:35:44,680 --> 00:35:46,880
Speaker 2: terrified of how difficult of a process it will be

795
00:35:46,960 --> 00:35:49,280
Speaker 2: to divorce him and to figure out how to support

796
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:52,759
Speaker 2: herself financially. I told my sister a while back that

797
00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:54,960
Speaker 2: I'll always be there for her, but I'm done hearing

798
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:57,160
Speaker 2: about all the shit he puts her through. If she's

799
00:35:57,200 --> 00:35:59,960
Speaker 2: not going to do anything to change her situation, true

800
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:02,719
Speaker 2: truly heartbreaking and mentally taxing for me to watch my

801
00:36:02,800 --> 00:36:06,480
Speaker 2: sister willingly stay in this toxic marriage and continually be

802
00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:10,000
Speaker 2: treated this way. Our relationship has slowly been affected by

803
00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:12,360
Speaker 2: this because there's this huge elephant in the room whenever

804
00:36:12,400 --> 00:36:15,040
Speaker 2: we talk. We don't have any resentment toward each other

805
00:36:15,120 --> 00:36:17,879
Speaker 2: or anything like that, things just aren't the same. How

806
00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:19,839
Speaker 2: can I help my sister realize that she needs out

807
00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:22,200
Speaker 2: and will be so much happier on the other side

808
00:36:22,239 --> 00:36:25,799
Speaker 2: of an inevitable, nasty divorce, Or how can I just

809
00:36:25,840 --> 00:36:27,239
Speaker 2: come to terms with the fact that I need to

810
00:36:27,320 --> 00:36:29,799
Speaker 2: let this all go, not stress about something I can't

811
00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:32,440
Speaker 2: change and risk losing my close relationship with my sister.

812
00:36:32,719 --> 00:36:33,760
Speaker 2: Help me? Brittany.

813
00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:38,600
Speaker 1: Hi, Brittany Hi. So what's the rest of your family?

814
00:36:38,719 --> 00:36:40,480
Speaker 1: Do you have other siblings parents?

815
00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:41,239
Speaker 5: Yeah?

816
00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:44,000
Speaker 7: I have an older brother, a younger brother, and then

817
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:45,200
Speaker 7: my sister's the youngest.

818
00:36:45,800 --> 00:36:48,440
Speaker 1: And is there any talk of maybe all of you

819
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:52,279
Speaker 1: having some sort of like a quasi intervention with her.

820
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:56,320
Speaker 7: No. I mean we're all really close, but nobody else

821
00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:59,720
Speaker 7: besides me really gets involved in her situation. She doesn't

822
00:36:59,719 --> 00:37:03,120
Speaker 7: really tell anybody anything, So I'm kind of the middleman

823
00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:07,200
Speaker 7: within the whole situation. So she's kind of told my

824
00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:09,200
Speaker 7: parents a little bit of what's going on, but they

825
00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:11,960
Speaker 7: don't know in detail because she's embarrassed frankly by the

826
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:15,200
Speaker 7: whole situation, So they only know bits and pieces. But

827
00:37:15,239 --> 00:37:17,560
Speaker 7: they know she needs out as well. But I'm really

828
00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:19,120
Speaker 7: the only one who speaks out on it.

829
00:37:19,640 --> 00:37:21,960
Speaker 1: And do you think that you could corral your brothers?

830
00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:24,279
Speaker 7: They just honestly don't really care that much. I think

831
00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:26,719
Speaker 7: they know, like they want her to get out and

832
00:37:26,719 --> 00:37:28,359
Speaker 7: they want her to be happy, but I think they're

833
00:37:28,360 --> 00:37:31,320
Speaker 7: just more reserved and quiet in that sense. And Okay, honestly,

834
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:34,320
Speaker 7: I don't think she values their opinion enough to really

835
00:37:34,360 --> 00:37:35,120
Speaker 7: make a difference.

836
00:37:35,520 --> 00:37:37,919
Speaker 1: Well they're men, so that makes sense, right right, Yeah,

837
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:40,120
Speaker 1: no offense, Brad. I think maybe you should have a

838
00:37:40,120 --> 00:37:43,280
Speaker 1: conversation with your parents right to try and do something together,

839
00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:46,120
Speaker 1: like sit her down with the three of you, like,

840
00:37:46,239 --> 00:37:48,360
Speaker 1: we can't watch you go through your life like this,

841
00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:52,080
Speaker 1: and the impact that this relationship, the damaging impact that

842
00:37:52,120 --> 00:37:55,399
Speaker 1: this relationship is going to have on her children and

843
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:58,800
Speaker 1: they self esteem that these kids grow up with, and

844
00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,440
Speaker 1: the way they see their mother tree and remaining in

845
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:06,280
Speaker 1: a relationship is going to have far reaching negational if yes,

846
00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:09,040
Speaker 1: it's going to be trauma for all of them, and

847
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:12,640
Speaker 1: she is allowing her children to be traumatized by her

848
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:15,719
Speaker 1: inability to get out of a relationship that is negative

849
00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:17,880
Speaker 1: and toxic and controlling.

850
00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:19,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, exactly.

851
00:38:19,239 --> 00:38:21,399
Speaker 2: You know, cheating, You can make an argument that that's

852
00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:24,480
Speaker 2: abusive or not, but the gas lighting like that is

853
00:38:24,600 --> 00:38:25,200
Speaker 2: straight up but.

854
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:26,279
Speaker 1: Repetitive cheating is.

855
00:38:27,120 --> 00:38:31,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's absolutely And I wonder if she understands it

856
00:38:31,239 --> 00:38:35,000
Speaker 2: in that context of like you are being abused. It

857
00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:37,520
Speaker 2: takes someone seven times to get out of this relationship.

858
00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:39,359
Speaker 2: I know you know, you and I had even talked

859
00:38:39,360 --> 00:38:41,640
Speaker 2: about like having her potentially common move in with you,

860
00:38:41,719 --> 00:38:44,759
Speaker 2: and that that's something you've expressed you would be open to,

861
00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:46,560
Speaker 2: right exactly.

862
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:49,440
Speaker 7: That's just a heart scenario because she does have three children,

863
00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:51,920
Speaker 7: and they would have in Washington State and I'm in California.

864
00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:54,960
Speaker 7: So the custody thing is a huge issue. I think

865
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:56,880
Speaker 7: he would make that a living hell for her because

866
00:38:56,920 --> 00:38:59,279
Speaker 7: he's even threatened in the past like you're not going

867
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:01,080
Speaker 7: to see your kid, you don't make any money. I

868
00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,080
Speaker 7: make all the money there, Like there's no way you'd

869
00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:05,480
Speaker 7: get custody, which is bogus. I mean that he just

870
00:39:05,520 --> 00:39:08,120
Speaker 7: doesn't know what he's talking about, but it terrifies her.

871
00:39:08,200 --> 00:39:09,840
Speaker 7: She doesn't want to go through it. So I know

872
00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:12,759
Speaker 7: if she were to leave him, she would stay up there.

873
00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:14,640
Speaker 7: And then she just doesn't have a strong support system

874
00:39:14,719 --> 00:39:16,880
Speaker 7: up there, which is why I think she's done the

875
00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:19,080
Speaker 7: back and forth so many times, because he just weels

876
00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:20,160
Speaker 7: his way back in that way.

877
00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:22,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, and so she doesn't.

878
00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:25,640
Speaker 3: Have a job, right, No, she's stay home mom.

879
00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:29,040
Speaker 1: And is there any possibility of you being able to

880
00:39:29,080 --> 00:39:29,879
Speaker 1: move up there?

881
00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:30,560
Speaker 4: No?

882
00:39:30,719 --> 00:39:32,799
Speaker 7: My husband right now, he's we're locked in where we're

883
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:35,080
Speaker 7: at for at least another five years. So we've talked

884
00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:36,600
Speaker 7: about it in the past, but it's just not a

885
00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:37,560
Speaker 7: possibility right now.

886
00:39:37,640 --> 00:39:38,040
Speaker 1: Okay.

887
00:39:38,520 --> 00:39:40,400
Speaker 2: I do you think it's important to have a plan

888
00:39:40,560 --> 00:39:42,520
Speaker 2: because you know this is not going to not happen again.

889
00:39:42,640 --> 00:39:45,719
Speaker 2: It's going to happen again. And I think because you

890
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:47,680
Speaker 2: know what's going to happen again, you can have a

891
00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:51,920
Speaker 2: plan and maybe that is when this happens again. I

892
00:39:52,080 --> 00:39:55,000
Speaker 2: fly up, I go get her. She stays with us

893
00:39:55,040 --> 00:39:57,799
Speaker 2: for two weeks, having a plan in place where it's

894
00:39:57,840 --> 00:40:00,799
Speaker 2: like a specific amount of time that's enough for her

895
00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:02,680
Speaker 2: to sort of like get her head a little bit

896
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:05,799
Speaker 2: right and see, oh, there are other options for me.

897
00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:08,600
Speaker 2: You know, I have a support system. Maybe mom and

898
00:40:08,719 --> 00:40:10,640
Speaker 2: dad will help with some of that stuff as well.

899
00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:12,319
Speaker 2: Whether that's financial or are.

900
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:15,120
Speaker 1: They in a position your parents to help financially not

901
00:40:15,239 --> 00:40:17,480
Speaker 1: so much, but they would do anything for her.

902
00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:19,680
Speaker 7: There was even a situation, I think a couple years

903
00:40:19,719 --> 00:40:22,160
Speaker 7: ago where my dad was about to sign a lease

904
00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:24,480
Speaker 7: for an apartment for the town I live, so she

905
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:26,680
Speaker 7: was going to come down here and figure out this

906
00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:28,759
Speaker 7: stuff with the kids later, and he was about to

907
00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:30,360
Speaker 7: sign it and figure all that out, even though he

908
00:40:30,400 --> 00:40:33,080
Speaker 7: can't really afford it. And then a few days went

909
00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:34,799
Speaker 7: by and she's like, oh, no, we're good. Now, we're

910
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:36,279
Speaker 7: working on it. We're going to go to therapy and

911
00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:38,360
Speaker 7: all that, and then therapy never happens, and it's just

912
00:40:38,440 --> 00:40:41,440
Speaker 7: a cycle. So we've had that situation where she'll come

913
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:44,960
Speaker 7: to visit me during an event that something like this happens,

914
00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:48,000
Speaker 7: and she's all on board, she knows everything I say,

915
00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:51,160
Speaker 7: she's responsive and understands, and she agrees with me that

916
00:40:51,239 --> 00:40:53,680
Speaker 7: she needs out, and then she goes home to pack

917
00:40:53,680 --> 00:40:56,200
Speaker 7: her things literally, and then I don't here for a

918
00:40:56,239 --> 00:40:58,080
Speaker 7: couple of days, and then she calls me back and

919
00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:00,960
Speaker 7: she's like, we're working on it. So we've tried it all.

920
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:03,439
Speaker 7: I mean, we're all so supportive of her and want

921
00:41:03,480 --> 00:41:06,640
Speaker 7: her out and trying to help her financially, and I

922
00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:08,960
Speaker 7: think that's not even the issue for her. I think

923
00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:12,520
Speaker 7: it's the whole custody battle, her having to start her

924
00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:15,680
Speaker 7: life over. She's scared, even though she's so young and

925
00:41:15,719 --> 00:41:18,319
Speaker 7: so beautiful, she's scared that nobody's going to want her

926
00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:20,160
Speaker 7: in the future and she's going to be alone, a

927
00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:21,560
Speaker 7: single mom the rest of her life.

928
00:41:21,560 --> 00:41:23,319
Speaker 2: I guess what she here is a home. Nobody else

929
00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:25,200
Speaker 2: is going to want you, like you can ever find

930
00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:26,120
Speaker 2: anybody as as me.

931
00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:29,359
Speaker 1: She needs to read Untamed by Glennon Doyle or read

932
00:41:29,400 --> 00:41:32,040
Speaker 1: one of Brene Brown's books about the value that you

933
00:41:32,080 --> 00:41:34,440
Speaker 1: have in yourself. I mean, this guy is just I

934
00:41:34,719 --> 00:41:37,920
Speaker 1: can't understand why you're so upset. It's like, it's upseting

935
00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:40,960
Speaker 1: to see your sister diminished in this way and to

936
00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:44,200
Speaker 1: be devalued in this way, and not to have confidence

937
00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:46,040
Speaker 1: in her ability. She has her whole life ahead of her,

938
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:49,160
Speaker 1: and she's choosing to remain in this instead of taking

939
00:41:49,160 --> 00:41:52,520
Speaker 1: the you know, a brave leap, and she needs information.

940
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:54,359
Speaker 1: You have to figure out a way to get her

941
00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:56,880
Speaker 1: the information so that she understands what happens in divorce.

942
00:41:57,080 --> 00:42:00,600
Speaker 1: She can't just be exposed to his narrative because obviously

943
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:03,080
Speaker 1: he's going to make her scared of everything and she

944
00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:06,040
Speaker 1: needs distance from him. So yes, I don't know how

945
00:42:06,040 --> 00:42:08,160
Speaker 1: to approach that for you. Like if it were me,

946
00:42:08,400 --> 00:42:09,920
Speaker 1: I would get as involved as possible.

947
00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:12,200
Speaker 3: Yeah, right, which is what I've tried.

948
00:42:12,239 --> 00:42:15,719
Speaker 7: And honestly, he's kind of a scary human, like I

949
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:18,319
Speaker 7: don't know what he's capable of, and like I said,

950
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:21,360
Speaker 7: he's super narcissistic. He was in the army for four years.

951
00:42:21,400 --> 00:42:24,200
Speaker 7: He wants to be a police officer eventually, and she does.

952
00:42:24,320 --> 00:42:27,200
Speaker 7: He just feels like he's of this high importance. Yeah,

953
00:42:27,280 --> 00:42:29,840
Speaker 7: and he doesn't ever talk down to her in that

954
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:31,600
Speaker 7: way like I'm better than you or anything like that,

955
00:42:31,719 --> 00:42:33,960
Speaker 7: but it's well known, like he thinks he runs the

956
00:42:33,960 --> 00:42:36,480
Speaker 7: show around there, and I'm just kind of afraid, Like

957
00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:39,120
Speaker 7: he's never been physically aggressive towards her at all, But

958
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:40,120
Speaker 7: I don't.

959
00:42:40,120 --> 00:42:41,160
Speaker 3: I wouldn't put it past.

960
00:42:41,080 --> 00:42:43,360
Speaker 1: So it doesn't it sounds it sounds to me, like

961
00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:46,799
Speaker 1: that's in the future, Like that's a definite possibility.

962
00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:50,279
Speaker 7: Yeah, Especially he's just so controlling of her, and he

963
00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:52,680
Speaker 7: thinks he can kick her out whenever he wants, and

964
00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:55,399
Speaker 7: he's just the ruler of her life. So like it's

965
00:42:55,400 --> 00:42:58,360
Speaker 7: only a matter of time before things get physical in

966
00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:00,319
Speaker 7: my mind, you know. And I've told her that too,

967
00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:02,640
Speaker 7: and she's like, yeah, I know, I don't ever think

968
00:43:02,640 --> 00:43:05,080
Speaker 7: he would, But I'm like, you never, you never think

969
00:43:05,200 --> 00:43:05,719
Speaker 7: they would, you.

970
00:43:05,760 --> 00:43:08,800
Speaker 2: Know, Yeah, does he kick her out on a semiregular basis.

971
00:43:09,080 --> 00:43:11,319
Speaker 7: So this last time they had a tip a couple

972
00:43:11,320 --> 00:43:13,359
Speaker 7: of weeks ago, was because she went out with a

973
00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:16,560
Speaker 7: friend and ended up going back to this friend's house

974
00:43:16,600 --> 00:43:20,040
Speaker 7: and her boyfriend's roommate was or something. Her boyfriend's friend

975
00:43:20,120 --> 00:43:22,279
Speaker 7: was there, so he thought she was cheating, even though

976
00:43:22,320 --> 00:43:24,919
Speaker 7: she never would. And he's like projecting all these things

977
00:43:25,000 --> 00:43:26,440
Speaker 7: he's done to her.

978
00:43:26,760 --> 00:43:29,000
Speaker 3: Right that he thinks she would do back.

979
00:43:29,080 --> 00:43:32,520
Speaker 7: And so that whole situation, he drove like two hours

980
00:43:32,600 --> 00:43:34,600
Speaker 7: or something to go pick her up in the middle.

981
00:43:34,640 --> 00:43:36,799
Speaker 7: Then I dragged her home, threw a suitcase at her,

982
00:43:36,840 --> 00:43:38,680
Speaker 7: said pack your shit. You're getting out of my house,

983
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:40,520
Speaker 7: and you're not going to see your daughters for a

984
00:43:40,520 --> 00:43:43,600
Speaker 7: few days. So he's just like he thinks he controls everything,

985
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:44,280
Speaker 7: even though.

986
00:43:44,320 --> 00:43:46,399
Speaker 3: And did she go, She yeah, she left.

987
00:43:46,440 --> 00:43:48,680
Speaker 7: She stayed with my brother actually lives a few miles

988
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:50,680
Speaker 7: from her, so she stayed with him for a couple

989
00:43:50,719 --> 00:43:53,160
Speaker 7: of nights. She actually went to see a lawyer and

990
00:43:53,680 --> 00:43:55,759
Speaker 7: figure out what her rights are and what her next

991
00:43:55,800 --> 00:43:58,480
Speaker 7: step should be. And the lawyer was so confident that

992
00:43:58,520 --> 00:44:00,359
Speaker 7: he could never take the kids away from her because

993
00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:02,759
Speaker 7: it's just not factual. Yeah, and then yeah, she had

994
00:44:02,760 --> 00:44:05,320
Speaker 7: the divorce papers ready to be filled out and everything,

995
00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:08,319
Speaker 7: and just once again he's like, I'm so sorry. I'm

996
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:10,560
Speaker 7: starting to believe you you didn't cheat on me, And

997
00:44:10,840 --> 00:44:13,239
Speaker 7: he just grabbles his way back in and he makes

998
00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:14,680
Speaker 7: all these empty promises.

999
00:44:14,960 --> 00:44:17,040
Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, this is somebody that is going

1000
00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:19,560
Speaker 1: to abuse your sister for sure. This has all the

1001
00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:22,319
Speaker 1: writing on the wall, like what it's leading up to.

1002
00:44:22,760 --> 00:44:25,640
Speaker 1: That example right there is all you need to know. Like,

1003
00:44:26,000 --> 00:44:30,319
Speaker 1: you have got to get her to believe that it

1004
00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:33,319
Speaker 1: is time to move out for her safety. And she

1005
00:44:33,400 --> 00:44:35,600
Speaker 1: already got she already had a lawyer, Like you have

1006
00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:37,200
Speaker 1: to do everything you can to get her out of

1007
00:44:37,200 --> 00:44:37,800
Speaker 1: that situation.

1008
00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:41,799
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and continuing to let her know like we're here,

1009
00:44:41,880 --> 00:44:44,080
Speaker 2: will do whatever. You know. Maybe it's not like your

1010
00:44:44,080 --> 00:44:45,520
Speaker 2: parents will be in with a bunch of money because

1011
00:44:45,560 --> 00:44:47,960
Speaker 2: that's not possible for them, but will do whatever we

1012
00:44:48,040 --> 00:44:49,879
Speaker 2: need to do to make sure you and your kids

1013
00:44:49,880 --> 00:44:50,600
Speaker 2: are supported.

1014
00:44:50,840 --> 00:44:52,520
Speaker 1: I mean if even if you guys can all pull

1015
00:44:52,600 --> 00:44:55,759
Speaker 1: money together, you know, everyone makes whatever contribution they can

1016
00:44:56,080 --> 00:44:58,120
Speaker 1: in order for her to afford rent for like the

1017
00:44:58,160 --> 00:45:01,080
Speaker 1: short term until a divorce is happening. But this is

1018
00:45:01,160 --> 00:45:05,080
Speaker 1: a man who is abusive, that example, is crazy and

1019
00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:07,600
Speaker 1: three children. He's going to try and turn them against her,

1020
00:45:07,640 --> 00:45:09,839
Speaker 1: like she's the sooner she gets the fuck out of there,

1021
00:45:09,880 --> 00:45:11,319
Speaker 1: the safer everyone is going to be.

1022
00:45:11,800 --> 00:45:12,000
Speaker 3: Yeah.

1023
00:45:12,040 --> 00:45:14,200
Speaker 7: And I've told her that numerous times, especially within the

1024
00:45:14,239 --> 00:45:17,240
Speaker 7: last couple of years, because everything just it keeps progressing,

1025
00:45:17,239 --> 00:45:19,880
Speaker 7: It keeps getting worse. He keeps doing crazier things that

1026
00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:22,399
Speaker 7: I never thought he'd be possible of. So it's only

1027
00:45:22,480 --> 00:45:24,640
Speaker 7: a matter of time. And when I express these things

1028
00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:26,640
Speaker 7: to her, she's like, yeah, I know, like really soft

1029
00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:29,400
Speaker 7: spoken about it, but agrees with me. And then she

1030
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:32,400
Speaker 7: turns right back around like yeah, but you don't know

1031
00:45:32,400 --> 00:45:34,319
Speaker 7: how good it is when it's good, and I'm like, no,

1032
00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:37,480
Speaker 7: I do, because I understand he's actually a great dad,

1033
00:45:37,920 --> 00:45:40,360
Speaker 7: which is great for the kids because they don't have

1034
00:45:40,360 --> 00:45:43,439
Speaker 7: to experience what my sister's experiencing. But I think she's

1035
00:45:43,480 --> 00:45:45,920
Speaker 7: clinging on too that, like she sees how great he

1036
00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:46,440
Speaker 7: can be.

1037
00:45:46,719 --> 00:45:48,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, but he's not a great dad because he's being

1038
00:45:48,719 --> 00:45:52,120
Speaker 1: abusive to his wife, like him going and picking her

1039
00:45:52,160 --> 00:45:54,759
Speaker 1: up two hours away because he's convinced she's cheating on him.

1040
00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:59,240
Speaker 1: That's abusive. Yeah, that isn't a good father. That's disrespecting

1041
00:45:59,320 --> 00:46:01,680
Speaker 1: their mother. He's not a good father. She thinks that

1042
00:46:01,760 --> 00:46:04,640
Speaker 1: he's a good father because that's how she's rationalizing it.

1043
00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:07,560
Speaker 2: And also, like, this is what abusers do. When it

1044
00:46:07,719 --> 00:46:11,000
Speaker 2: is good, it feels you're over the moon, and then

1045
00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:13,400
Speaker 2: they take you into the depths of despair. This is

1046
00:46:13,440 --> 00:46:15,680
Speaker 2: what they do. And this is also a person who

1047
00:46:15,680 --> 00:46:17,799
Speaker 2: it sounds like probably has access to guns and other

1048
00:46:17,840 --> 00:46:21,440
Speaker 2: things like this is this is it's important to get

1049
00:46:21,440 --> 00:46:24,160
Speaker 2: her out and she may not want to go right away.

1050
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:27,239
Speaker 2: And I know you're exhausted from having the same conversation

1051
00:46:27,360 --> 00:46:30,399
Speaker 2: over and over with her, but like you just have

1052
00:46:30,480 --> 00:46:32,799
Speaker 2: to keep telling her I'm here and it's not her

1053
00:46:32,800 --> 00:46:34,560
Speaker 2: who needs to go pack her stuff. Like when she

1054
00:46:34,640 --> 00:46:37,080
Speaker 2: goes back, she doesn't, she can't be in the same.

1055
00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:38,879
Speaker 1: But what am I even saying he needs to get out,

1056
00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:40,760
Speaker 1: she needs to kick him out, But she doesn't seem

1057
00:46:40,760 --> 00:46:42,200
Speaker 1: like she has the tenacity.

1058
00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:42,200
Speaker 3: To do that.

1059
00:46:42,480 --> 00:46:44,480
Speaker 2: I just mean, like you mentioned, like she goes back

1060
00:46:44,520 --> 00:46:46,640
Speaker 2: to like get her stuff, and he convinces her, like, no,

1061
00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:48,600
Speaker 2: if she's gone, if she's away from him, you got

1062
00:46:48,600 --> 00:46:49,960
Speaker 2: to keep her away from him and be like, I'll

1063
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:52,480
Speaker 2: go get your things or somebody one of the brothers

1064
00:46:52,520 --> 00:46:55,480
Speaker 2: goes and gets her things whatever, Because when she has

1065
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:57,719
Speaker 2: he has access to her, that's when he's going to

1066
00:46:57,760 --> 00:46:58,759
Speaker 2: convince her to come back.

1067
00:46:59,200 --> 00:47:00,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly, I know.

1068
00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:04,040
Speaker 1: Is there a way for you? What's your work schedule? Like, like,

1069
00:47:04,080 --> 00:47:05,239
Speaker 1: is there a way for you to go up there

1070
00:47:05,239 --> 00:47:07,720
Speaker 1: and spend like two weeks so that you can actually

1071
00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:08,840
Speaker 1: get her out of the house.

1072
00:47:09,840 --> 00:47:13,000
Speaker 7: Not at the moment, I just can't afford it right now, unfortunately,

1073
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:14,319
Speaker 7: And I have a two year old son too, so

1074
00:47:14,360 --> 00:47:16,879
Speaker 7: it's hard for me to pike that time.

1075
00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:19,120
Speaker 2: What about mom and dad or or a best friend?

1076
00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:20,719
Speaker 2: Is there a best friend in the picture who could

1077
00:47:20,719 --> 00:47:21,239
Speaker 2: maybe do that?

1078
00:47:21,320 --> 00:47:23,120
Speaker 1: I'm sure he's isolated all of her friends.

1079
00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:26,319
Speaker 7: You're right, Yeah, I mean, I don't know if he

1080
00:47:26,480 --> 00:47:30,000
Speaker 7: single handedly has, but just her her situation over the years.

1081
00:47:30,040 --> 00:47:33,040
Speaker 7: I think her friends who have gotten kind of close,

1082
00:47:33,120 --> 00:47:35,440
Speaker 7: they see this roller coaster like I'm leaving him.

1083
00:47:35,440 --> 00:47:37,160
Speaker 3: I'm not. I'm leaving him. I'm not. So I think that.

1084
00:47:37,960 --> 00:47:39,960
Speaker 7: I mean, I'm still here because I'm her sister. But

1085
00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:42,120
Speaker 7: I feel like if I was kind of a close

1086
00:47:42,120 --> 00:47:44,600
Speaker 7: semi close friend, I probably wouldn't be still, you know,

1087
00:47:44,760 --> 00:47:48,120
Speaker 7: just because she's so wishy washy with that, and like

1088
00:47:48,200 --> 00:47:49,960
Speaker 7: you think you're helping her and then she just does

1089
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:53,000
Speaker 7: the opposite, and yeah, it's just really hard to continually

1090
00:47:53,040 --> 00:47:53,600
Speaker 7: be there for this.

1091
00:47:54,040 --> 00:47:56,839
Speaker 1: Yeah, and are you what about your brother's living situation? Like,

1092
00:47:56,920 --> 00:47:58,880
Speaker 1: is that somewhere she could live and move into.

1093
00:48:00,120 --> 00:48:02,000
Speaker 7: Yeah, So she stayed there for a couple of days

1094
00:48:02,239 --> 00:48:04,160
Speaker 7: a couple of weeks ago, and he's like, he has

1095
00:48:04,200 --> 00:48:06,520
Speaker 7: an ex small extra room, like not room for the kids,

1096
00:48:06,520 --> 00:48:08,600
Speaker 7: but at least for her. And it's only like twenty

1097
00:48:08,600 --> 00:48:11,399
Speaker 7: minutes from where her kids would be, so she has

1098
00:48:11,440 --> 00:48:14,200
Speaker 7: that option too, And he even, you know, he's like,

1099
00:48:14,440 --> 00:48:16,279
Speaker 7: as long as you need, you can stay here. And

1100
00:48:16,840 --> 00:48:18,600
Speaker 7: she just like up and left, and she's like, I'll

1101
00:48:18,640 --> 00:48:21,600
Speaker 7: come get my things tomorrow or going back home. So

1102
00:48:21,719 --> 00:48:24,160
Speaker 7: everybody's one hundred percent all in there for her, in

1103
00:48:24,200 --> 00:48:27,240
Speaker 7: supportive of her leaving him, and she just keeps getting

1104
00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:29,880
Speaker 7: spooked by the thought that either nobody will want her,

1105
00:48:29,960 --> 00:48:32,000
Speaker 7: she it's going to be a hard restart of her life,

1106
00:48:32,200 --> 00:48:34,640
Speaker 7: or he's going to make her life a litle Yes,

1107
00:48:34,760 --> 00:48:36,760
Speaker 7: all that is enough to scare her back in along

1108
00:48:36,760 --> 00:48:39,040
Speaker 7: with his sweet talking whatever he says to her.

1109
00:48:38,960 --> 00:48:41,920
Speaker 2: But it doesn't compare to the freedom you feel when

1110
00:48:41,920 --> 00:48:42,960
Speaker 2: you leave an abuse her.

1111
00:48:43,280 --> 00:48:45,000
Speaker 7: I know, I keep trying to tell her that once

1112
00:48:45,040 --> 00:48:47,839
Speaker 7: all that's said and done, like that divorce process isn't

1113
00:48:47,880 --> 00:48:49,719
Speaker 7: going to be forever, and once it's all done and

1114
00:48:49,760 --> 00:48:52,560
Speaker 7: your custody is all settled and everything it's going to be,

1115
00:48:52,800 --> 00:48:54,719
Speaker 7: she's going to be so much happier. But she just

1116
00:48:54,760 --> 00:48:56,400
Speaker 7: doesn't see it that way. She'll agree with me in

1117
00:48:56,440 --> 00:48:58,680
Speaker 7: the moment, and then of course it all goes out

1118
00:48:58,719 --> 00:48:59,040
Speaker 7: the window.

1119
00:48:59,160 --> 00:49:01,640
Speaker 2: This is a person who's under the influence of what

1120
00:49:01,760 --> 00:49:04,640
Speaker 2: is basically mind control, So you know, you do have

1121
00:49:04,680 --> 00:49:07,000
Speaker 2: to kind of take that into consideration that like her

1122
00:49:07,040 --> 00:49:09,239
Speaker 2: mind is being controlled by another person. But I do

1123
00:49:09,320 --> 00:49:11,520
Speaker 2: think it's worth going back to Chelsea's idea of like

1124
00:49:11,880 --> 00:49:14,840
Speaker 2: having your whole family sit down with her and be like,

1125
00:49:15,000 --> 00:49:17,799
Speaker 2: we want to help you in any way possible. Here

1126
00:49:17,880 --> 00:49:20,720
Speaker 2: is a potential plan. We love you, this isn't okay

1127
00:49:20,760 --> 00:49:23,560
Speaker 2: that you're being treated like this, and tell her what

1128
00:49:23,600 --> 00:49:26,719
Speaker 2: the plan is and will be here if it's not now.

1129
00:49:26,760 --> 00:49:28,879
Speaker 2: If it's you know, we're here to may no plan

1130
00:49:29,040 --> 00:49:29,319
Speaker 2: with you.

1131
00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:31,200
Speaker 1: We're here to make a plan if she needs to

1132
00:49:31,280 --> 00:49:33,480
Speaker 1: leave the house, and because he's obviously not going to

1133
00:49:33,600 --> 00:49:36,279
Speaker 1: probably listen to her to get move out. But if

1134
00:49:36,280 --> 00:49:37,880
Speaker 1: she needs to leave the house, she can go in

1135
00:49:37,920 --> 00:49:40,440
Speaker 1: the interim, stay with your brother while she gets on

1136
00:49:40,480 --> 00:49:43,560
Speaker 1: her feet, gets the divorce proceedings going, she will get

1137
00:49:43,560 --> 00:49:47,560
Speaker 1: custody of her children most likely, and then she can

1138
00:49:47,600 --> 00:49:49,440
Speaker 1: figure out what she's going to do for work, or

1139
00:49:49,880 --> 00:49:52,160
Speaker 1: if she's gonna work, or what that dynamic is going

1140
00:49:52,239 --> 00:49:54,879
Speaker 1: to be. But you have to be indefatigable with your

1141
00:49:54,880 --> 00:49:57,640
Speaker 1: efforts with her. You have to, yeah, and you have

1142
00:49:57,719 --> 00:50:00,239
Speaker 1: to impress it upon your family and your brother, so

1143
00:50:00,280 --> 00:50:02,960
Speaker 1: maybe they care a little bit more about how dangerous

1144
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:06,080
Speaker 1: the situation is. Yeah, I agree, because no one in

1145
00:50:06,120 --> 00:50:08,600
Speaker 1: your family, including your brothers. I know men don't love

1146
00:50:08,640 --> 00:50:11,000
Speaker 1: to get involved in this kind of stuff, but they

1147
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:12,960
Speaker 1: are never going to be able to forgive themselves if

1148
00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:13,959
Speaker 1: something happens to her.

1149
00:50:14,800 --> 00:50:15,880
Speaker 3: Yeah, I agree.

1150
00:50:16,080 --> 00:50:18,000
Speaker 1: So I'm sorry that we can't be of more help,

1151
00:50:18,040 --> 00:50:19,440
Speaker 1: but like please.

1152
00:50:19,200 --> 00:50:20,479
Speaker 3: Just no, no, no, it's great.

1153
00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:23,040
Speaker 7: I mean, I appreciate the help that you have given

1154
00:50:23,080 --> 00:50:25,880
Speaker 7: me because I've been kind of juggling this, like do

1155
00:50:25,960 --> 00:50:28,040
Speaker 7: I just kind of bite my tongue and let it

1156
00:50:28,040 --> 00:50:30,560
Speaker 7: write itself out and she'll finally realize, Like maybe the

1157
00:50:30,600 --> 00:50:33,040
Speaker 7: next time she'll finally realize and actually leave him because

1158
00:50:33,040 --> 00:50:35,440
Speaker 7: she's been so close. But at this point, it just

1159
00:50:35,440 --> 00:50:37,279
Speaker 7: doesn't seem like it's going to happen. So I'm like,

1160
00:50:37,400 --> 00:50:39,720
Speaker 7: I either need to go all in and say something

1161
00:50:39,760 --> 00:50:41,640
Speaker 7: like you said, or I just need to kind of

1162
00:50:41,680 --> 00:50:44,160
Speaker 7: fall back and let it come in between us and

1163
00:50:44,200 --> 00:50:46,040
Speaker 7: maybe she'll realize on her own. But yeah, I don't

1164
00:50:46,080 --> 00:50:47,000
Speaker 7: think that's going to happen.

1165
00:50:47,480 --> 00:50:49,960
Speaker 2: And you know, I wonder also, is she in therapy

1166
00:50:50,800 --> 00:50:51,400
Speaker 2: by herself?

1167
00:50:51,520 --> 00:50:54,280
Speaker 7: No, you're willing to, and they have they have talked

1168
00:50:54,320 --> 00:50:57,359
Speaker 7: about it and not have him, don't go with him,

1169
00:50:57,520 --> 00:50:59,799
Speaker 7: just her Okay, yeah, yeah.

1170
00:51:00,040 --> 00:51:03,480
Speaker 1: It's some self esteem and self worth and an outside

1171
00:51:03,640 --> 00:51:06,400
Speaker 1: person being like, I am brand new to this situation

1172
00:51:06,480 --> 00:51:08,600
Speaker 1: and it's really bad and you need to get away

1173
00:51:08,600 --> 00:51:08,960
Speaker 1: from it.

1174
00:51:09,320 --> 00:51:11,160
Speaker 3: Right, Yeah, Okay, I'll talk to her about that.

1175
00:51:11,480 --> 00:51:13,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's really hard.

1176
00:51:13,920 --> 00:51:15,920
Speaker 2: What you're going through is really really hard.

1177
00:51:16,400 --> 00:51:17,319
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's really hard.

1178
00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:19,640
Speaker 7: I mean juggling like all my life stresses and everything

1179
00:51:19,640 --> 00:51:21,799
Speaker 7: I'm going through and then help her with hers too,

1180
00:51:21,840 --> 00:51:24,640
Speaker 7: And obviously that's way more serious than anything I'm going through,

1181
00:51:24,640 --> 00:51:28,360
Speaker 7: but it's it's just hard to be there and just

1182
00:51:28,400 --> 00:51:29,799
Speaker 7: watch her continually do it.

1183
00:51:29,800 --> 00:51:30,920
Speaker 3: It's exhausting.

1184
00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:34,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that you're dealing

1185
00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:37,600
Speaker 1: with this. But keep us posted if there's any way

1186
00:51:37,640 --> 00:51:39,719
Speaker 1: we can help in any way, you know, let us

1187
00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:42,160
Speaker 1: know how it goes. And please just do not give

1188
00:51:42,239 --> 00:51:43,200
Speaker 1: up on your sister.

1189
00:51:43,400 --> 00:51:44,360
Speaker 3: Okay, I won't.

1190
00:51:44,560 --> 00:51:46,600
Speaker 1: Okay, Senny, that's love, honey.

1191
00:51:46,719 --> 00:51:49,319
Speaker 2: Thanks Brittanyekay, thank you guys so much.

1192
00:51:49,440 --> 00:51:50,120
Speaker 3: Nice to meet you.

1193
00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:51,800
Speaker 1: Bye O.

1194
00:51:52,400 --> 00:51:53,040
Speaker 2: That one got me.

1195
00:51:53,160 --> 00:51:54,320
Speaker 1: That is very upsetting.

1196
00:51:54,760 --> 00:51:55,600
Speaker 2: It's really tough.

1197
00:51:55,760 --> 00:51:56,480
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1198
00:51:56,600 --> 00:51:59,480
Speaker 2: When I was in an abusive relationship in college, it

1199
00:51:59,560 --> 00:52:02,880
Speaker 2: took every single one of my friends from college who

1200
00:52:02,960 --> 00:52:06,640
Speaker 2: knew this person, well, every single one of my girlfriends

1201
00:52:06,640 --> 00:52:08,920
Speaker 2: from high school who didn't know him well but had

1202
00:52:08,960 --> 00:52:12,759
Speaker 2: met him. Everyone in my family separately, all of them

1203
00:52:12,840 --> 00:52:15,799
Speaker 2: saying he's not good for you. This is not a

1204
00:52:15,840 --> 00:52:19,240
Speaker 2: good situation, this guy's no good. And it wasn't until

1205
00:52:19,360 --> 00:52:22,800
Speaker 2: I had this realization of I think I love this person,

1206
00:52:22,920 --> 00:52:25,360
Speaker 2: and if every single person in my life who loves

1207
00:52:25,400 --> 00:52:28,399
Speaker 2: me is saying this isn't good for me, then maybe

1208
00:52:28,440 --> 00:52:31,160
Speaker 2: I need to take a leap of faith and get

1209
00:52:31,200 --> 00:52:31,719
Speaker 2: away from this.

1210
00:52:31,920 --> 00:52:33,920
Speaker 1: It's not even a leap of faith, though, you know.

1211
00:52:34,160 --> 00:52:37,640
Speaker 1: I know it feels that way when you're subjected to

1212
00:52:37,680 --> 00:52:41,239
Speaker 1: that kind of like a controlling behavior. But you have

1213
00:52:41,320 --> 00:52:43,799
Speaker 1: to listen to the people in your life that love you.

1214
00:52:43,800 --> 00:52:45,759
Speaker 1: You have to listen to them when they're saying, hey,

1215
00:52:45,880 --> 00:52:48,399
Speaker 1: red flag, red flag. I wish my family would say

1216
00:52:48,400 --> 00:52:50,880
Speaker 1: stuff more often. They don't. They're like, who could you

1217
00:52:50,880 --> 00:52:52,880
Speaker 1: imagine giving you advice? You would never listen to us.

1218
00:52:52,920 --> 00:52:55,480
Speaker 1: I'm like, actually I would. If you're concerned about my

1219
00:52:55,520 --> 00:52:57,640
Speaker 1: well being, I want to know about it. Yeah, I

1220
00:52:57,719 --> 00:52:59,920
Speaker 1: might blow you off, but especially with regard to of

1221
00:53:00,120 --> 00:53:03,200
Speaker 1: like a romantic love interest, I would absolutely listen to

1222
00:53:03,239 --> 00:53:03,760
Speaker 1: my family.

1223
00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:06,840
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I do think You're right, like being indefatigable,

1224
00:53:07,000 --> 00:53:12,799
Speaker 2: being persistent with love and support, but also saying like

1225
00:53:12,880 --> 00:53:15,279
Speaker 2: there's something better for you is you know, maybe you

1226
00:53:15,280 --> 00:53:17,000
Speaker 2: wouldn't listen the first time, but you might listen the

1227
00:53:17,000 --> 00:53:19,480
Speaker 2: second time or the third time. You know, people do

1228
00:53:19,640 --> 00:53:20,160
Speaker 2: warm up to.

1229
00:53:20,239 --> 00:53:21,120
Speaker 3: Ideas, you know.

1230
00:53:22,760 --> 00:53:28,120
Speaker 2: Well, let's talk to Rachel. Rachel's thirty two, and she says,

1231
00:53:28,160 --> 00:53:30,920
Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea, I'm having a hard time getting over a

1232
00:53:30,920 --> 00:53:35,600
Speaker 2: good friend that recently ghosted me. I know she decided

1233
00:53:35,640 --> 00:53:37,600
Speaker 2: to start back up an affair with a married man

1234
00:53:37,760 --> 00:53:40,839
Speaker 2: and stop talking to all of her close friends. Now

1235
00:53:40,840 --> 00:53:43,040
Speaker 2: it seems that she's resumed her normal life and she's

1236
00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:46,000
Speaker 2: let everyone back in except for me. I was one

1237
00:53:46,000 --> 00:53:48,280
Speaker 2: of the few people she spoke to about the affair before,

1238
00:53:48,640 --> 00:53:50,479
Speaker 2: and for a very long time, she held the shame

1239
00:53:50,520 --> 00:53:53,960
Speaker 2: of this affair by herself without telling a soul. My

1240
00:53:54,040 --> 00:53:56,120
Speaker 2: suspicion is that she's let all of her friends back

1241
00:53:56,160 --> 00:53:58,600
Speaker 2: in that didn't really know about the situation or won't

1242
00:53:58,640 --> 00:54:02,400
Speaker 2: hold her accountable. She knows that what she's doing is wrong,

1243
00:54:02,520 --> 00:54:04,680
Speaker 2: but she doesn't want to face the difficulty of ending

1244
00:54:04,719 --> 00:54:07,880
Speaker 2: the affair for good. My question is related to the

1245
00:54:07,880 --> 00:54:10,479
Speaker 2: anger that I'm holding on to. It's been about five

1246
00:54:10,480 --> 00:54:13,000
Speaker 2: months and she's completely ghosted, and at this point, I

1247
00:54:13,000 --> 00:54:15,560
Speaker 2: don't think our friendship is salvagable, nor do I want

1248
00:54:15,600 --> 00:54:17,560
Speaker 2: to salvage a friendship with someone that acts like this.

1249
00:54:18,200 --> 00:54:20,680
Speaker 2: But I can't help but feeling really angry that she's

1250
00:54:20,719 --> 00:54:24,360
Speaker 2: resuming her other friendships and quote getting away with her behavior.

1251
00:54:24,960 --> 00:54:26,879
Speaker 2: I feel like I'm being punished for being the type

1252
00:54:26,880 --> 00:54:29,640
Speaker 2: of friend to hold people accountable. Do you have any

1253
00:54:29,680 --> 00:54:31,480
Speaker 2: advice for how I can let this go and try

1254
00:54:31,480 --> 00:54:33,440
Speaker 2: to not hold on to so much anger. We have

1255
00:54:33,560 --> 00:54:35,840
Speaker 2: mutual friends and it's possible I'll have to cross paths

1256
00:54:35,880 --> 00:54:37,719
Speaker 2: with her in the future, and I don't really want

1257
00:54:37,760 --> 00:54:40,160
Speaker 2: to hold on to any more bad energy from the situation.

1258
00:54:40,560 --> 00:54:44,319
Speaker 1: Rachel Hi, Rachel Hi, Hi.

1259
00:54:45,080 --> 00:54:47,440
Speaker 2: So we just heard about your friends. It's been about

1260
00:54:47,480 --> 00:54:49,600
Speaker 2: five months, right since you guys have talked, or has

1261
00:54:49,680 --> 00:54:50,680
Speaker 2: been a little longer.

1262
00:54:50,440 --> 00:54:52,360
Speaker 4: Now, yeah, almost six months.

1263
00:54:52,719 --> 00:54:55,360
Speaker 1: I can relate to the anger that you're holding on to,

1264
00:54:55,880 --> 00:54:58,680
Speaker 1: and I think the first step A is you acknowledging

1265
00:54:58,719 --> 00:55:00,600
Speaker 1: that you are angry and that you want to let

1266
00:55:00,640 --> 00:55:01,000
Speaker 1: go of it.

1267
00:55:01,160 --> 00:55:01,319
Speaker 3: Right.

1268
00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:04,200
Speaker 1: You don't want that running you, and you don't also

1269
00:55:04,560 --> 00:55:11,000
Speaker 1: want your friend her choices, like you saying how you

1270
00:55:11,080 --> 00:55:14,319
Speaker 1: feel or having judgment towards her about it. You know,

1271
00:55:14,360 --> 00:55:16,120
Speaker 1: you could deal with that in one of two ways.

1272
00:55:16,120 --> 00:55:18,200
Speaker 1: You can be like, oh, it's not my place to judge,

1273
00:55:18,280 --> 00:55:20,239
Speaker 1: or you can have very strong opinions. I also have

1274
00:55:20,360 --> 00:55:22,960
Speaker 1: very strong opinions. I also share my very strong opinions

1275
00:55:23,120 --> 00:55:26,279
Speaker 1: with my friends all the time, and many times it

1276
00:55:26,400 --> 00:55:28,880
Speaker 1: ends a friendship. Yeah, but it is more important for

1277
00:55:28,920 --> 00:55:31,360
Speaker 1: me to be truthful and to be direct because we

1278
00:55:31,440 --> 00:55:33,839
Speaker 1: live in a universe where there is a dearth of

1279
00:55:33,920 --> 00:55:37,520
Speaker 1: directness and honesty. And so I think you did the

1280
00:55:37,600 --> 00:55:40,520
Speaker 1: right thing by being true to yourself. You're not there

1281
00:55:40,840 --> 00:55:43,320
Speaker 1: for her, you know what I mean In this instance,

1282
00:55:43,400 --> 00:55:46,000
Speaker 1: you're there for yourself to say, Hey, this is icky.

1283
00:55:46,400 --> 00:55:48,200
Speaker 1: I don't want to see you like this. If this

1284
00:55:48,360 --> 00:55:51,880
Speaker 1: is her reaction to that, there's nothing to be angry about,

1285
00:55:52,160 --> 00:55:54,000
Speaker 1: then you just have a clearer picture of what the

1286
00:55:54,040 --> 00:55:57,160
Speaker 1: situation was to begin with. So any of the anger

1287
00:55:57,239 --> 00:56:00,440
Speaker 1: is like you feeling rejected or you feeling devalue or

1288
00:56:00,480 --> 00:56:04,240
Speaker 1: not valued enough, that's your stuff. Yeah, she's not giving

1289
00:56:04,239 --> 00:56:07,000
Speaker 1: you any reason to be angry. She's not actively pursuing you,

1290
00:56:07,280 --> 00:56:12,920
Speaker 1: engaging you gaslighting you. You're just mad, and either you

1291
00:56:13,000 --> 00:56:15,480
Speaker 1: have to stand by your behavior and understand that that

1292
00:56:15,600 --> 00:56:18,400
Speaker 1: sometimes will be the result when you are very honest

1293
00:56:18,400 --> 00:56:21,680
Speaker 1: with people and be okay with that, or don't share

1294
00:56:21,680 --> 00:56:22,280
Speaker 1: your honesty.

1295
00:56:22,760 --> 00:56:23,040
Speaker 4: Yeah.

1296
00:56:23,080 --> 00:56:27,040
Speaker 8: I kind of suspected also that my anger. Anger is

1297
00:56:27,040 --> 00:56:30,240
Speaker 8: a little bit easier of an emotion to feel sometimes,

1298
00:56:30,239 --> 00:56:34,680
Speaker 8: Like I think I'm choosing to feel angry when it's

1299
00:56:34,760 --> 00:56:37,960
Speaker 8: just hard to face how sad of.

1300
00:56:37,920 --> 00:56:38,719
Speaker 4: A situation is.

1301
00:56:38,760 --> 00:56:41,520
Speaker 8: I mean, it's incredibly sad to lose a good friend,

1302
00:56:41,719 --> 00:56:45,040
Speaker 8: So I suspect that that's kind of part of it too.

1303
00:56:45,560 --> 00:56:48,040
Speaker 1: Of course, of course, anger is just like a cover

1304
00:56:48,160 --> 00:56:51,359
Speaker 1: for sadness or her. You know, that's exactly what it is,

1305
00:56:51,400 --> 00:56:53,920
Speaker 1: and you're right to believe that. But I also you know,

1306
00:56:53,920 --> 00:56:56,239
Speaker 1: there's a time, you know, you're morning of friendship. It's

1307
00:56:56,280 --> 00:56:58,840
Speaker 1: been five months and might be another five months, but

1308
00:56:58,880 --> 00:57:01,480
Speaker 1: there's the anger isn't going to serve you. You have

1309
00:57:01,600 --> 00:57:04,000
Speaker 1: to start thinking about her in a loving, kindful way.

1310
00:57:04,120 --> 00:57:04,279
Speaker 6: You know.

1311
00:57:04,360 --> 00:57:07,200
Speaker 1: We talk about this loving kindness meditation that I've done.

1312
00:57:07,320 --> 00:57:11,000
Speaker 1: I've done for people with friendships that have ended because

1313
00:57:11,040 --> 00:57:13,200
Speaker 1: I don't want to have any ill will towards them

1314
00:57:13,239 --> 00:57:15,680
Speaker 1: and I don't want that in my body. So it's

1315
00:57:15,800 --> 00:57:17,800
Speaker 1: this thing. I don't know if you do you meditate

1316
00:57:17,840 --> 00:57:18,160
Speaker 1: at all.

1317
00:57:18,360 --> 00:57:20,800
Speaker 8: I don't, but that sounds interesting.

1318
00:57:20,960 --> 00:57:22,880
Speaker 1: This is a good meditation for you to start with,

1319
00:57:22,960 --> 00:57:25,880
Speaker 1: because this is an active meditation. You sit and you

1320
00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:28,960
Speaker 1: think about somebody that's just random in the world, and

1321
00:57:29,000 --> 00:57:31,080
Speaker 1: you send them It's like, I wish you a life

1322
00:57:31,080 --> 00:57:33,880
Speaker 1: of ease, I wish you a life of safety, I

1323
00:57:33,920 --> 00:57:37,480
Speaker 1: wish you a life of love, and you send them love.

1324
00:57:37,600 --> 00:57:37,760
Speaker 3: Right.

1325
00:57:37,800 --> 00:57:40,080
Speaker 1: You don't have to mean it, but you just practice it.

1326
00:57:40,480 --> 00:57:42,760
Speaker 1: And then you think about someone who's really close to you,

1327
00:57:42,880 --> 00:57:45,040
Speaker 1: like maybe your mother or a sibling or somebody you

1328
00:57:45,080 --> 00:57:47,880
Speaker 1: really love. And then you think about a neutral person,

1329
00:57:48,240 --> 00:57:51,280
Speaker 1: someone that you have no connection with, you know, like

1330
00:57:51,760 --> 00:57:54,560
Speaker 1: somebody at work that you don't care what happens to

1331
00:57:54,600 --> 00:57:57,080
Speaker 1: them either way. And you practice this and it's I

1332
00:57:57,120 --> 00:57:59,720
Speaker 1: send you ease, I send you love, I send you

1333
00:58:00,560 --> 00:58:03,040
Speaker 1: and I send you. May you have a life of ease,

1334
00:58:03,200 --> 00:58:05,000
Speaker 1: May you have a life of joy, May you have

1335
00:58:05,040 --> 00:58:07,880
Speaker 1: a life of safety. You send all of these messages

1336
00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:10,600
Speaker 1: right to all the people, and then you go to

1337
00:58:10,640 --> 00:58:13,720
Speaker 1: the difficult people, and this person is that difficult person,

1338
00:58:14,880 --> 00:58:17,440
Speaker 1: and you hit that person, and if you do this

1339
00:58:17,520 --> 00:58:21,560
Speaker 1: every single day, your anger will lift. Because it's a practice.

1340
00:58:22,040 --> 00:58:24,920
Speaker 1: And it sounds like you're stuck, and that's very common

1341
00:58:24,960 --> 00:58:27,480
Speaker 1: we all are, and the only way to get yourself

1342
00:58:27,560 --> 00:58:29,880
Speaker 1: unstuck is to take the steps to do that. So

1343
00:58:30,000 --> 00:58:33,000
Speaker 1: while this sounds maybe weird or you've never done anything

1344
00:58:33,080 --> 00:58:36,480
Speaker 1: like this, please don't knock it until you try it,

1345
00:58:37,120 --> 00:58:40,360
Speaker 1: because you'd be amazed that just sending healing energy out

1346
00:58:40,400 --> 00:58:43,840
Speaker 1: into the world will shift your energy and will diminish

1347
00:58:43,840 --> 00:58:44,320
Speaker 1: your anger.

1348
00:58:44,840 --> 00:58:48,720
Speaker 8: Yeah, that sounds like something that would really help. I mean,

1349
00:58:48,760 --> 00:58:51,320
Speaker 8: I also think I'm frustrated because I don't feel like

1350
00:58:51,400 --> 00:58:54,440
Speaker 8: I'm an angry person, so this is it. I've kind

1351
00:58:54,440 --> 00:58:56,000
Speaker 8: of been stuck on it, but I think that that

1352
00:58:56,040 --> 00:58:56,960
Speaker 8: could really help.

1353
00:58:57,560 --> 00:58:59,720
Speaker 1: It could, And sometimes we just have to shake ourselves

1354
00:58:59,840 --> 00:59:02,000
Speaker 1: up out of a rut. And that's what you're in.

1355
00:59:02,120 --> 00:59:06,080
Speaker 1: You're hurt and you're disappointed, and that's totally normal, and

1356
00:59:06,160 --> 00:59:09,080
Speaker 1: guess what, that's part of life. It's going to happen again,

1357
00:59:09,160 --> 00:59:13,640
Speaker 1: probably at some point, and you can't just bemoan the

1358
00:59:13,720 --> 00:59:17,320
Speaker 1: situation over and over again, because then it starts to

1359
00:59:17,360 --> 00:59:19,480
Speaker 1: eat away at you and then you're not giving out

1360
00:59:19,520 --> 00:59:21,880
Speaker 1: your best vibes either, and you want to be available

1361
00:59:21,920 --> 00:59:23,600
Speaker 1: for the people in your life that you are having

1362
00:59:23,600 --> 00:59:27,920
Speaker 1: friendships with and relationships that are meaningful. And unfortunately this

1363
00:59:28,000 --> 00:59:30,080
Speaker 1: happened with her, but you don't know what the future holds.

1364
00:59:30,080 --> 00:59:32,640
Speaker 1: She could be back around in six months or two years.

1365
00:59:33,080 --> 00:59:39,320
Speaker 1: And you saying it's unsalvageable. Nothing's unsalvageable unless there's murder involved,

1366
00:59:39,440 --> 00:59:43,960
Speaker 1: you know, or rape. Like everything is salvageable. So that's

1367
00:59:43,960 --> 00:59:46,600
Speaker 1: a defense mechanism as well. It's just better to be

1368
00:59:46,680 --> 00:59:49,840
Speaker 1: at ease, like, Okay, she's living her life. It didn't

1369
00:59:49,880 --> 00:59:52,640
Speaker 1: work out, She's for some reason is holding you know,

1370
00:59:52,720 --> 00:59:54,880
Speaker 1: our friendship hostage or doesn't want to be friends with

1371
00:59:54,880 --> 00:59:57,840
Speaker 1: me anymore. That's something you have to accept and now

1372
00:59:57,880 --> 00:59:58,560
Speaker 1: you're going to move on.

1373
00:59:59,240 --> 01:00:03,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think you are on the right path.

1374
01:00:03,400 --> 01:00:06,760
Speaker 2: Like even recognizing sing that it's really hurt your feeling

1375
01:00:07,120 --> 01:00:11,600
Speaker 2: that this anger is covering up. I think that's really good. Yeah, Chelsea.

1376
01:00:11,640 --> 01:00:14,360
Speaker 2: Any advice for when you know, on the eventuality that

1377
01:00:14,360 --> 01:00:15,840
Speaker 2: she does run into this friend.

1378
01:00:15,960 --> 01:00:17,920
Speaker 1: I think again, you know, you go to every if

1379
01:00:17,920 --> 01:00:20,920
Speaker 1: you don't feel love towards someone, you have to like

1380
01:00:21,160 --> 01:00:24,560
Speaker 1: fear hate, sadness, all of it. The opposite is love.

1381
01:00:25,120 --> 01:00:27,200
Speaker 1: So if if you just look at her in a

1382
01:00:27,240 --> 01:00:29,200
Speaker 1: loving way, like this is a girl that's going through

1383
01:00:29,240 --> 01:00:31,480
Speaker 1: a really bad time having an affair with a married

1384
01:00:31,520 --> 01:00:34,160
Speaker 1: man that's breaking up getting back together, that that's not

1385
01:00:34,200 --> 01:00:36,400
Speaker 1: a good situation. So you have to kind of take

1386
01:00:36,440 --> 01:00:39,840
Speaker 1: pity on her and say, oh, wow, like that's sad

1387
01:00:39,880 --> 01:00:41,480
Speaker 1: that she has to live her life this way, not

1388
01:00:41,560 --> 01:00:44,760
Speaker 1: in a judgmental way, in a kind of there's nothing

1389
01:00:44,760 --> 01:00:47,600
Speaker 1: you can do about her life choices, right All you

1390
01:00:47,600 --> 01:00:50,320
Speaker 1: can do is make sure you're making good choices. And

1391
01:00:50,360 --> 01:00:52,800
Speaker 1: your good choices are going to include how to kind

1392
01:00:52,800 --> 01:00:55,680
Speaker 1: of get past this and try to actively move past

1393
01:00:55,720 --> 01:00:58,120
Speaker 1: this and just instead of just waiting for the feeling

1394
01:00:58,200 --> 01:01:00,640
Speaker 1: to pass, because that's so many times what we do.

1395
01:01:00,720 --> 01:01:03,400
Speaker 1: We're like, oh, it's important to have your feelings, and

1396
01:01:03,440 --> 01:01:06,240
Speaker 1: then it's important to actively move on from them so

1397
01:01:06,280 --> 01:01:08,800
Speaker 1: that you can move to the next thing. And you're

1398
01:01:08,880 --> 01:01:11,880
Speaker 1: just feeling like this right now. Also, you won't feel

1399
01:01:11,920 --> 01:01:14,120
Speaker 1: like this forever, I promise you. I've had breakups with

1400
01:01:14,160 --> 01:01:16,880
Speaker 1: friends that were really painful, really disappointing. I didn't think

1401
01:01:16,880 --> 01:01:19,000
Speaker 1: i'd ever get over them, and I'm sitting here today,

1402
01:01:19,480 --> 01:01:22,200
Speaker 1: and you know, and I'm probably the healthiest time in

1403
01:01:22,240 --> 01:01:26,080
Speaker 1: my entire life. So don't beat yourself up for any

1404
01:01:26,120 --> 01:01:28,439
Speaker 1: of the feelings that you're having, but just always move

1405
01:01:28,480 --> 01:01:31,040
Speaker 1: towards love and grace and kindness. And if she does

1406
01:01:31,080 --> 01:01:34,800
Speaker 1: resurface in six months and she's not in that relationship anymore,

1407
01:01:34,960 --> 01:01:36,640
Speaker 1: then you can receive her with love and grace.

1408
01:01:37,160 --> 01:01:39,120
Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah, I think that's really helpful.

1409
01:01:39,360 --> 01:01:41,960
Speaker 1: And even if she is in that relationship and she resurfaces,

1410
01:01:42,320 --> 01:01:44,360
Speaker 1: you can still receive her with love and grace, except

1411
01:01:44,360 --> 01:01:46,800
Speaker 1: you have boundaries. You're not going to be in that

1412
01:01:46,880 --> 01:01:49,200
Speaker 1: relationship with her because it's too hard for you to watch.

1413
01:01:49,960 --> 01:01:51,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, like I think you can see her, you can

1414
01:01:52,000 --> 01:01:53,800
Speaker 2: say hi to her, you can give her a hug

1415
01:01:53,880 --> 01:01:56,040
Speaker 2: at whatever this event is that you might run into her,

1416
01:01:56,360 --> 01:01:57,920
Speaker 2: But then you know, you just dripped off and you

1417
01:01:57,960 --> 01:01:59,600
Speaker 2: talk to other people. You know, you don't have to

1418
01:01:59,760 --> 01:02:00,840
Speaker 2: have to get into anything.

1419
01:02:00,920 --> 01:02:02,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't have to get anything. I think it's

1420
01:02:02,640 --> 01:02:04,400
Speaker 1: always good to just be your best self so that

1421
01:02:04,440 --> 01:02:08,400
Speaker 1: the next time that person sees you, they see, oh wow,

1422
01:02:08,600 --> 01:02:11,960
Speaker 1: I miss that person, or she's doing great, she's not

1423
01:02:12,040 --> 01:02:14,680
Speaker 1: hung up in my situation, she's you know, you know

1424
01:02:14,680 --> 01:02:16,720
Speaker 1: what I mean. It's good to set an example and

1425
01:02:17,240 --> 01:02:20,920
Speaker 1: it elevates you. Also inside, you feel better about yourself

1426
01:02:20,920 --> 01:02:23,360
Speaker 1: when you can handle things with a plum and grace

1427
01:02:23,440 --> 01:02:28,360
Speaker 1: instead of reactive or you know, icing somebody out and

1428
01:02:28,400 --> 01:02:30,720
Speaker 1: all of that stuff. I've had a lot of experience

1429
01:02:30,720 --> 01:02:34,480
Speaker 1: with all of those things. So you're young and growing

1430
01:02:34,720 --> 01:02:37,880
Speaker 1: and smart, so I think you'll be You'll be just fine,

1431
01:02:37,960 --> 01:02:39,160
Speaker 1: and hopefully she will be too.

1432
01:02:39,680 --> 01:02:40,320
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that.

1433
01:02:40,680 --> 01:02:44,520
Speaker 8: I mean, I am kind of like centering myself in

1434
01:02:44,560 --> 01:02:48,680
Speaker 8: my reaction to it, like ultimately, she's still maybe in

1435
01:02:48,720 --> 01:02:53,000
Speaker 8: the midst of this very painful situation. So just trying

1436
01:02:53,000 --> 01:02:56,040
Speaker 8: to remember that as well, and I forget that when

1437
01:02:56,080 --> 01:02:58,880
Speaker 8: I get angry about it, because it's really like my

1438
01:02:59,000 --> 01:03:02,040
Speaker 8: reaction to it.

1439
01:03:00,000 --> 01:03:03,200
Speaker 1: It is it is because you could have no reaction

1440
01:03:03,360 --> 01:03:06,440
Speaker 1: to it. And also another thing is don't bound about her.

1441
01:03:06,560 --> 01:03:09,000
Speaker 1: Don't talk about her at all, not to the friends

1442
01:03:09,000 --> 01:03:12,120
Speaker 1: that have, you know, reconvened with her, Like, don't talk

1443
01:03:12,160 --> 01:03:14,439
Speaker 1: shit about her. That's negative energy as well.

1444
01:03:14,880 --> 01:03:17,600
Speaker 4: Yeah, definitely, all right, Rachel.

1445
01:03:17,680 --> 01:03:18,360
Speaker 2: Was that helpful?

1446
01:03:19,120 --> 01:03:20,240
Speaker 5: Yes, very helpful.

1447
01:03:20,480 --> 01:03:20,840
Speaker 4: Thank you.

1448
01:03:21,320 --> 01:03:23,840
Speaker 1: Okay, honey, you'll be fine. Just start that meditation though,

1449
01:03:23,840 --> 01:03:24,600
Speaker 1: do it every morning.

1450
01:03:24,680 --> 01:03:26,640
Speaker 8: Okay, I'm definitely going to That sounds great.

1451
01:03:27,040 --> 01:03:29,040
Speaker 1: I wish you a life of ease and then fill

1452
01:03:29,040 --> 01:03:35,040
Speaker 1: it in with joy, safety and love. Thank you, okayans.

1453
01:03:34,360 --> 01:03:38,680
Speaker 2: Rachel Right, Oh, she's a sweetie. Yeah, let's take a

1454
01:03:38,920 --> 01:03:40,880
Speaker 2: quick break and we will be right back to finish up.

1455
01:03:45,040 --> 01:03:45,680
Speaker 1: And we're back.

1456
01:03:45,720 --> 01:03:46,280
Speaker 4: We're back.

1457
01:03:46,520 --> 01:03:48,919
Speaker 1: Do you see how many different variations I'm trying.

1458
01:03:49,000 --> 01:03:53,120
Speaker 2: It's so many, Chelsea. Our last email comes from Melanie.

1459
01:03:53,920 --> 01:03:57,200
Speaker 2: She says, I'm a thirty year old American woman from Colorado,

1460
01:03:57,240 --> 01:04:01,800
Speaker 2: originally American woman. I recently moved to New Zealand for

1461
01:04:01,840 --> 01:04:04,680
Speaker 2: a year long research fellowship. I was born to be

1462
01:04:04,720 --> 01:04:06,640
Speaker 2: an ex pat and I've lived in Europe a couple

1463
01:04:06,720 --> 01:04:09,200
Speaker 2: of times already. Though I've only been here in New

1464
01:04:09,280 --> 01:04:11,640
Speaker 2: Zealand a couple of months. I am very happy here

1465
01:04:11,720 --> 01:04:14,160
Speaker 2: and feel in my outdoorsy heart I could stay for

1466
01:04:14,200 --> 01:04:17,000
Speaker 2: a long time. I booked a room in an Airbnb

1467
01:04:17,160 --> 01:04:18,960
Speaker 2: for the first month in hopes that it could turn

1468
01:04:18,960 --> 01:04:21,320
Speaker 2: into a longer term solution if all was going well.

1469
01:04:21,800 --> 01:04:23,720
Speaker 2: My room is one of three in the owner's home,

1470
01:04:23,800 --> 01:04:26,000
Speaker 2: and it turned out to be just perfect good price

1471
01:04:26,040 --> 01:04:28,600
Speaker 2: for my very tight budget. Walking distance to work, and

1472
01:04:28,680 --> 01:04:31,640
Speaker 2: just really lovely all around. The host is a kind

1473
01:04:31,720 --> 01:04:35,840
Speaker 2: kiwi man, probably in his late forties, so twenty ish

1474
01:04:35,920 --> 01:04:39,160
Speaker 2: year's difference. We instantly clicked in what I initially thought

1475
01:04:39,240 --> 01:04:41,680
Speaker 2: was a brother sister type of way. He's physically not

1476
01:04:41,720 --> 01:04:44,400
Speaker 2: who I'm typically attracted to, and while I've always thought

1477
01:04:44,440 --> 01:04:47,120
Speaker 2: I'd be better off with an older guy, he initially

1478
01:04:47,160 --> 01:04:49,120
Speaker 2: seemed a little too far out of my age range,

1479
01:04:49,600 --> 01:04:52,360
Speaker 2: and being my landlord, of course, a romantic connection just

1480
01:04:52,440 --> 01:04:55,080
Speaker 2: wasn't in the realm of possibility for me. Boy did

1481
01:04:55,080 --> 01:04:57,560
Speaker 2: that change. We spent a lot of time together. I

1482
01:04:57,600 --> 01:05:00,000
Speaker 2: found myself thinking about him a lot, and I recently

1483
01:05:00,080 --> 01:05:03,040
Speaker 2: found that I'm very attracted to him. The forbidden nature

1484
01:05:03,120 --> 01:05:05,000
Speaker 2: probably has something to do with it, but I also

1485
01:05:05,000 --> 01:05:07,360
Speaker 2: think there might be more here. He seems to understand

1486
01:05:07,360 --> 01:05:09,520
Speaker 2: me in a way I haven't experienced with most guys

1487
01:05:09,600 --> 01:05:13,520
Speaker 2: closer to my age. If he also feels a romantic connection,

1488
01:05:13,640 --> 01:05:17,480
Speaker 2: it's not obvious. He's been good about keeping it professional. However,

1489
01:05:17,520 --> 01:05:19,960
Speaker 2: he did invite me on an upcoming trip to Asia.

1490
01:05:20,120 --> 01:05:21,960
Speaker 2: Initially it was more of a i'll fit you in

1491
01:05:21,960 --> 01:05:24,439
Speaker 2: my suitcase joking kind of way, but then it became

1492
01:05:24,480 --> 01:05:26,400
Speaker 2: a real request, and now I've got a ticket to

1493
01:05:26,440 --> 01:05:29,440
Speaker 2: join him later this year. Worth noting is that the

1494
01:05:29,480 --> 01:05:33,280
Speaker 2: accommodation situation has yet to be discussed. My friends say

1495
01:05:33,280 --> 01:05:35,200
Speaker 2: that if he's into me, he's unlikely to make a

1496
01:05:35,240 --> 01:05:38,360
Speaker 2: move given the power dynamics, and I agree. The question

1497
01:05:38,520 --> 01:05:40,880
Speaker 2: is do I make a move and how or do

1498
01:05:40,960 --> 01:05:42,680
Speaker 2: I continue to let it play out and hope it

1499
01:05:42,720 --> 01:05:46,720
Speaker 2: evolves organically. Something about this just seems right, Melanie, make

1500
01:05:46,760 --> 01:05:47,520
Speaker 2: a move.

1501
01:05:47,400 --> 01:05:50,320
Speaker 1: Mane, make a move. But this is the only life

1502
01:05:50,320 --> 01:05:52,880
Speaker 1: you get unless you believe in reincarnation. But even then

1503
01:05:52,920 --> 01:05:54,280
Speaker 1: you don't even know what the fuck's going on.

1504
01:05:54,480 --> 01:05:55,920
Speaker 2: So yeah, according.

1505
01:05:55,520 --> 01:05:57,960
Speaker 1: To us as we speak, this is the only life

1506
01:05:57,960 --> 01:05:59,920
Speaker 1: you've got. Yeah, make a move. What do you think

1507
01:06:00,160 --> 01:06:00,600
Speaker 1: to lose?

1508
01:06:00,920 --> 01:06:01,080
Speaker 4: Do you?

1509
01:06:01,320 --> 01:06:01,920
Speaker 2: How do you do that?

1510
01:06:01,920 --> 01:06:02,720
Speaker 3: Do you just kiss him?

1511
01:06:02,720 --> 01:06:03,720
Speaker 2: Do you talk to him about it?

1512
01:06:03,800 --> 01:06:06,800
Speaker 1: I did you send like a flirty text or you

1513
01:06:06,840 --> 01:06:09,720
Speaker 1: can say it in person? But like you definitely should

1514
01:06:09,760 --> 01:06:11,480
Speaker 1: do it before Asia so you can find out what

1515
01:06:11,600 --> 01:06:14,120
Speaker 1: that trip's going to be and how can that trip

1516
01:06:14,240 --> 01:06:16,880
Speaker 1: Because also if he's not into you, which I doubt

1517
01:06:16,920 --> 01:06:19,200
Speaker 1: he isn't, he sounds like he is. Usually when there's

1518
01:06:19,280 --> 01:06:23,000
Speaker 1: chemistry it's reciprocated. If a woman feels it anyway, I

1519
01:06:23,040 --> 01:06:26,960
Speaker 1: should say not this doesn't apply to straight men, but

1520
01:06:27,280 --> 01:06:30,320
Speaker 1: it's usually reciprocated. Like you know, the chemistry is called

1521
01:06:30,400 --> 01:06:32,760
Speaker 1: chemistry because it's going back and forth between two people

1522
01:06:32,920 --> 01:06:35,600
Speaker 1: or electricity or however you want to describe it. But

1523
01:06:36,480 --> 01:06:38,320
Speaker 1: you should go for it. You could send him a

1524
01:06:38,320 --> 01:06:42,080
Speaker 1: flirty text and be like, hey, I was just thinking

1525
01:06:42,120 --> 01:06:44,960
Speaker 1: about you and I realized I've been thinking about you

1526
01:06:45,040 --> 01:06:48,400
Speaker 1: a lot. M h you. You know, like it can

1527
01:06:48,440 --> 01:06:51,080
Speaker 1: be as innocent as that, or you can be flirty

1528
01:06:51,080 --> 01:06:54,440
Speaker 1: and more sexual about it or whatever. But you or

1529
01:06:54,480 --> 01:06:56,680
Speaker 1: you can lay it out and go, hey, as you

1530
01:06:56,760 --> 01:06:59,400
Speaker 1: may know, we have a cute little relationship going. I

1531
01:06:59,440 --> 01:07:02,000
Speaker 1: know that I'm the renter and you're the rentee, or

1532
01:07:02,440 --> 01:07:03,800
Speaker 1: he's the renter, she's the rent.

1533
01:07:03,600 --> 01:07:05,520
Speaker 2: The landlord like that she's a landlord.

1534
01:07:05,800 --> 01:07:07,480
Speaker 1: I used to do it one of my landlords. And

1535
01:07:08,680 --> 01:07:10,840
Speaker 1: I know that it might not be appropriate for you

1536
01:07:10,880 --> 01:07:12,480
Speaker 1: to ever make a move on me, so I'm just

1537
01:07:12,520 --> 01:07:14,560
Speaker 1: putting it out there. I'm open to a move being

1538
01:07:14,600 --> 01:07:15,040
Speaker 1: made on me.

1539
01:07:15,280 --> 01:07:16,600
Speaker 2: Uh huh. I love that.

1540
01:07:16,600 --> 01:07:17,240
Speaker 1: That's cute.

1541
01:07:17,440 --> 01:07:19,680
Speaker 2: I honestly, I think it's more because he's older than

1542
01:07:19,720 --> 01:07:23,000
Speaker 2: her rather than the landlord thing. The power dynamic language

1543
01:07:23,160 --> 01:07:24,120
Speaker 2: kind of makes me talk.

1544
01:07:23,920 --> 01:07:28,920
Speaker 1: About the power dynamic because he's the landlord. Yes, that's

1545
01:07:28,960 --> 01:07:30,880
Speaker 1: not a power dynamic. First of all, you.

1546
01:07:30,840 --> 01:07:33,320
Speaker 2: Know, he probably feels like a little bit of like,

1547
01:07:33,360 --> 01:07:35,440
Speaker 2: oh she's too young for me sort of thing. Yeah,

1548
01:07:35,480 --> 01:07:37,240
Speaker 2: he's a nice guy. That's probably exactly what.

1549
01:07:37,320 --> 01:07:38,800
Speaker 1: But I guess that is. You know, I shouldn't say

1550
01:07:38,800 --> 01:07:41,040
Speaker 1: it's not a power dynamic, because it is for many people,

1551
01:07:41,120 --> 01:07:43,680
Speaker 1: you know, a power dynamic, the landlord thing, the landlord thing,

1552
01:07:43,720 --> 01:07:45,920
Speaker 1: because that's somebody who's like you're paying rent to.

1553
01:07:46,160 --> 01:07:49,680
Speaker 2: But he's an ARABNB host, all right.

1554
01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:56,320
Speaker 1: I just think power dynamic in age. I think that's

1555
01:07:56,360 --> 01:07:59,120
Speaker 1: true unless you're an employer. I mean, unless you have

1556
01:07:59,200 --> 01:08:03,120
Speaker 1: a hold over on one. That's why. Okay, whatever, we

1557
01:08:03,200 --> 01:08:05,520
Speaker 1: can parse what a power dynamic is at another time.

1558
01:08:05,520 --> 01:08:08,400
Speaker 1: But anyway, make your move, sister, Yes, go after it.

1559
01:08:08,600 --> 01:08:13,640
Speaker 1: And that's today's episode. Dear Yelseye. Okay, guys, we have

1560
01:08:13,720 --> 01:08:16,160
Speaker 1: added more shows to my Little Big Bitch Tour because

1561
01:08:16,200 --> 01:08:19,040
Speaker 1: I'm coming all over. We added a second show at

1562
01:08:19,080 --> 01:08:22,360
Speaker 1: the Pantagius in Los Angeles, So that's October twelfth and

1563
01:08:22,560 --> 01:08:25,839
Speaker 1: Friday the thirteenth. We added a second show in Boston

1564
01:08:26,000 --> 01:08:29,280
Speaker 1: at the Wayne Center. September twenty ninth and thirtieth is

1565
01:08:29,439 --> 01:08:31,400
Speaker 1: two shows in New York. I also have a show

1566
01:08:31,400 --> 01:08:35,040
Speaker 1: in East Hampton, New York August twenty six. We added

1567
01:08:35,040 --> 01:08:38,040
Speaker 1: a second show in Portland, So Thursday November tewod Friday

1568
01:08:38,120 --> 01:08:42,040
Speaker 1: November third, and Portland November fourth and fifth in San Francisco,

1569
01:08:42,120 --> 01:08:44,599
Speaker 1: two shows there. We added a second show in Seattle

1570
01:08:44,680 --> 01:08:49,360
Speaker 1: November tenth and eleventh. Two shows Boston are November sixteenth

1571
01:08:49,400 --> 01:08:54,400
Speaker 1: and seventeenth at the Bach Center at Wang Theater. And

1572
01:08:54,760 --> 01:09:00,720
Speaker 1: I'm also coming to Toronto and Montreal and Ottawa and

1573
01:09:01,080 --> 01:09:06,320
Speaker 1: so many other cities Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville. So I

1574
01:09:06,320 --> 01:09:09,479
Speaker 1: will see everybody at all of these shows. Thank you.

1575
01:09:09,520 --> 01:09:12,160
Speaker 1: Get your tickets at Chelseahandler dot com.

1576
01:09:12,640 --> 01:09:17,280
Speaker 2: Courtney Cope's input is general psychological information based on research

1577
01:09:17,320 --> 01:09:20,640
Speaker 2: and clinical experience. It's intended to be general and informational

1578
01:09:20,720 --> 01:09:23,759
Speaker 2: in nature. It does not represent or indicate an established

1579
01:09:23,760 --> 01:09:27,799
Speaker 2: clinical or professional relationship with those inquiring for guidance. Courtney's

1580
01:09:27,800 --> 01:09:30,800
Speaker 2: feedback is in response to a written question, and therefore

1581
01:09:31,200 --> 01:09:35,120
Speaker 2: there are likely unknown considerations given the limited context. Also,

1582
01:09:35,320 --> 01:09:37,200
Speaker 2: just because you might hear something on the show that

1583
01:09:37,280 --> 01:09:40,800
Speaker 2: sounds similar to what you're experiencing, beware of self diagnosis.

1584
01:09:41,320 --> 01:09:44,200
Speaker 2: Diagnosis is not required to find relief, and you'll want

1585
01:09:44,240 --> 01:09:47,280
Speaker 2: to find a qualified professional to assess and explore diagnoses

1586
01:09:47,640 --> 01:09:50,320
Speaker 2: if that's important to you. If you or your partner

1587
01:09:50,360 --> 01:09:53,919
Speaker 2: are in crisis and uncertain of whether you can maintain safety,

1588
01:09:54,080 --> 01:09:57,040
Speaker 2: reach out for support like crisis hotlines and local authorities

1589
01:09:57,280 --> 01:09:59,240
Speaker 2: have a safety plan that can be done with a

1590
01:09:59,280 --> 01:10:02,439
Speaker 2: therapist too. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us

1591
01:10:02,439 --> 01:10:05,759
Speaker 2: an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com

1592
01:10:05,760 --> 01:10:08,519
Speaker 2: and be sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea

1593
01:10:08,600 --> 01:10:12,120
Speaker 2: is edited and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine

1594
01:10:12,160 --> 01:10:14,160
Speaker 2: Law and be sure to check out our march at

1595
01:10:14,280 --> 01:10:17,880
Speaker 2: Chelseahandler dot com