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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie, and you're listening to stuff I've

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Speaker 1: never told you. Today we are joined by a good

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Speaker 1: friend of mine, Samantha. I actually met Samantha through past

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Speaker 1: co host Caroline. Thank you so much for joining us, Samantha.

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Speaker 1: Could you tell us about yourself? Sure? Hey, y'all, Um,

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Speaker 1: thanks Annie for letting me be a part of this,

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Speaker 1: and hopefully I won't embarrass you too much. So a

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Speaker 1: little about me, Um. I'm a social worker from the

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Speaker 1: North Georgia Mountains, so you will be hearing y'all from

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Speaker 1: me a lot. You know, we Southerners are ridiculously friendly. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so you know y'all are already all of my best friends.

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Speaker 1: I just need more friends. What do you already got me?

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Speaker 1: I don't know what you're talking about. I mean, I'm

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Speaker 1: slowly drawing you in. I feel like I've tricked you

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Speaker 1: in pretty well, So hopefully I can do that with

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Speaker 1: many more people, because I'm lonely. Well. One of the

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Speaker 1: things I am very passionate about is advocating for the

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Speaker 1: rights of women and children and how we can do

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Speaker 1: more for each other and help protect each other, which

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Speaker 1: is kind of why I'm here right right. Yeah, and

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Speaker 1: I I like to put a spotlight on everybody. Bring

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Speaker 1: on here. Actually I haven't really done this, but I'm

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Speaker 1: going to do it to you. Um. May I ask,

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Speaker 1: how did you become a feminist? Amantha? Well, that's a

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Speaker 1: loaded question and I'm kind of ready and I'm kind

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Speaker 1: of not ready. So we'll just look at the past

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Speaker 1: of my life. How about that? Um. Honestly, I think

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Speaker 1: I finally admitted I was a feminist in college. For

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Speaker 1: a while, I was under the impression that feminism was

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Speaker 1: a bad word and that men were supposed to be

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Speaker 1: the head of the household. But in college I realized

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Speaker 1: if it wasn't for feminism, I wouldn't even be able

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Speaker 1: to be there. Um. That's also where I realized how

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Speaker 1: strong of a personality that I am, and oftentimes the

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Speaker 1: men who are supposed to lead me seemed to lack something.

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Speaker 1: Not all men. I'm just saying that once I was

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Speaker 1: with in college, and I felt guilty for having very

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Speaker 1: strong opinions around them because I felt like I was

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Speaker 1: supposed to be following them and not leading them. Um.

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Speaker 1: I think it was more of just understanding how feminism

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Speaker 1: has opened up so many opportunities for us, um and

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Speaker 1: being able to continue forward and grow in a way

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Speaker 1: that we couldn't have done long like years and years before,

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Speaker 1: and even with my mom, things that have held her

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Speaker 1: back as a female, thinking that she had to follow

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Speaker 1: her husband to the end of times and follow his

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Speaker 1: lead has impacted the adventures that she's been able to

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Speaker 1: have or not have. So honestly, it took that long

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Speaker 1: for me to actually get onto the board of Yes,

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Speaker 1: I am a feminist, this is what I believe. And now,

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Speaker 1: in this day and age, um, meaning this last couple

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Speaker 1: of years, I realized how important it is to actually

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Speaker 1: take on that word as a movement and move forward

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Speaker 1: and to truly wear it instead of just make it

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Speaker 1: a stigma. Yeah. Yeah, I've shared a similar um story

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Speaker 1: about my own coming into feminism on the show, and

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Speaker 1: this show is one of the ways that helped me

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Speaker 1: do that. And so I'm really glad to continue with

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Speaker 1: the show and hope that it provides that for someone

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Speaker 1: else who might be listening. Um. But a couple of

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Speaker 1: weeks ago, you and I were having a cheese get together.

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Speaker 1: I love cheese. My social media, I believe, is half

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Speaker 1: pictures of cheese. Yeah. Most of the time I brought

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Speaker 1: people to come over to my place because I have cheese. Yes,

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Speaker 1: it works, it does work. It's very successful. Um. And

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Speaker 1: as we are, we were eating our cheese and discussing

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Speaker 1: ways that we could work together and episode ideas, and

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Speaker 1: we came up with something super easy and light, so

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Speaker 1: easy in light, a ten to twelve maybe episode mini

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Speaker 1: series on sexual assault, trauma and all of that in

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Speaker 1: the era of Me Too. I mean, to be honest,

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Speaker 1: I'm trying to push it to like a twenty series

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Speaker 1: episode just so I can live here. But that's just me. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean very well. Could be keeps getting The episode

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Speaker 1: list keeps getting longer and longer, um. And we're gonna

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Speaker 1: talk to lawyers, nurses, police therapist. We're really excited about

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Speaker 1: it and think it's going to be really great, but

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Speaker 1: it isn't going to be easy for for us or

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Speaker 1: for the people working on it, and I know it

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Speaker 1: will be difficult for you listeners. I've been on the

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Speaker 1: other side as the listeners of this podcast, and we're

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Speaker 1: going to intersperse some lighter stuff in there. But UM,

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Speaker 1: always think about your mental health when deciding to listen

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Speaker 1: or not listen. And in each episode, we'll give a

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Speaker 1: warning at the top, so you'll know what specifically we're

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Speaker 1: dealing with in that episode. And just a heads up,

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Speaker 1: we're going to be talking about trauma due to sexual

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Speaker 1: assault emp use in this episode. If that is something

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Speaker 1: that is triggering for some, due to the sensitive nature

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Speaker 1: of the topic, we're not going to delve too deeply

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Speaker 1: into it, but we will discuss it a little bit.

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Speaker 1: And Um, you suggested Samantha that it might be good

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Speaker 1: to define trigger and trigger warnings, right, Um, I think

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Speaker 1: with the new way the word is well, not the

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Speaker 1: new way we think the word, the way the word

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Speaker 1: is being used today, we need to adjust what that

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Speaker 1: is and why it's important to the listeners and to

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Speaker 1: anyone to know what may come and how it may

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Speaker 1: cause some access anxiety. So trigger is defined as a

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Speaker 1: cause to do something or the stress that arouses feelings

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Speaker 1: or memories associated with a particular traumatic experience, and with

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Speaker 1: the subjects that we're talking about in this many cities,

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Speaker 1: it's important that you understand and trigger is not just

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Speaker 1: a fad word or not just an overused word, but

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Speaker 1: actually something that's important to protect ourselves at a time

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Speaker 1: where we become more and more willing, Thank goodness, because

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Speaker 1: of the issues that have come up. We need to

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Speaker 1: be able to understand what trauma is and what we're

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Speaker 1: able to face and what we're not able to face.

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Speaker 1: And I think it's important when we say trigger, we're

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Speaker 1: not just trying to be kitchy. Yeah, we're trying to

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Speaker 1: protect everyone's emotions because, as we know, statistically, more women

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Speaker 1: have been through many of these traumatic experiences than not

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Speaker 1: and so with those personal experiences, you need to be

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Speaker 1: able to protect yourself mentally, emotionally and physically. So, yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's triggering, And honestly, it's a part of taking control

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Speaker 1: of that and being able to say I can't handle

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Speaker 1: this right now, and that's okay. It's not a weakness,

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Speaker 1: it's not a failure. It is knowing who you are

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Speaker 1: and knowing and understanding yourself, which takes a lot. As

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Speaker 1: a social worker, I deal with trauma on a daily basis,

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Speaker 1: whether it's another kids going through some trauma, a parent

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Speaker 1: going through some trauma. Now work with the Department Family

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Speaker 1: and Children's Services, it was a daily thing and for me,

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Speaker 1: trying to be strong and ignore the signs that I

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Speaker 1: was actually being affected was more harmful. And even though

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Speaker 1: we didn't use the words trigger. At that point in time,

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Speaker 1: that's exactly what was happening. I was being triggered because

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Speaker 1: of my past trauma, which of course we're going to

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Speaker 1: talk about later on. I wasn't dealing with the fact

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Speaker 1: that it was causing an emotional and honestly physical damage

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Speaker 1: to me every time, and instead of saying I need

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Speaker 1: a break, I try to shuffle through, thinking that if

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Speaker 1: I showed that it was affecting me, then I'm being

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Speaker 1: weak and that's not the story. So we want to

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Speaker 1: make sure for anyone who's listening and who have gone

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Speaker 1: through anything similar to this, and or know someone who's

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Speaker 1: gone through similar things, that is okay to say I

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Speaker 1: need to take a break. Yes, very much so, UM,

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Speaker 1: and we're gonna try to be really like upfront and

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Speaker 1: honest with what we're doing for each other and self

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Speaker 1: care that we're doing. And we're gonna get more into

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Speaker 1: that a little bit later. But since you're going to

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Speaker 1: be with us throughout these ten to twelve to twenty episodes, Samantha, Um,

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Speaker 1: we thought it would be a good way to to

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Speaker 1: kick off this many series with a sort of get

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Speaker 1: to know you type of thing. Yes, this is going

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Speaker 1: to be a real illuminating deep dive, and we figured

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Speaker 1: we'd approach it by asking ourselves this question, and it's

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Speaker 1: one that we have both found ourselves asking are we failures?

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Speaker 1: Because you and I that were in different stages in

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Speaker 1: our life, we both discussed how we feel like failures. Right,

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Speaker 1: So okay, then we're gonna be talking about singleness. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I'm raising my hand. That's me, childlessness. Oh yeah again,

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Speaker 1: I'm raising my hand on that one, and being poor

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Speaker 1: social worker. I am always poor. Someone feed me? Can

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Speaker 1: you feed me? I heard these snacks here. I'm going

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Speaker 1: to take all of them. She did bring the bags.

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Speaker 1: Worry about it, y'all. I will help you abscond with

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Speaker 1: some snacks. I'm excited. I think it's only fair. It's

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Speaker 1: a shopping spree. Yeah. Yeah, So I am also single,

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Speaker 1: also childless. When I was a kid, I thought I

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Speaker 1: would be me aid by twenty three and I would

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Speaker 1: have my first child because I was going to have

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Speaker 1: three maybe four. If I had twins. I had their

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Speaker 1: names picked out everything. Is there twins in your family? No,

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Speaker 1: you just thought maybe you would have time. I just

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Speaker 1: thought maybe. I think I wanted twins because I was

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Speaker 1: fascinated with Mary, Kate Nashley. So I love Star Wars

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Speaker 1: and Luke and Leah, and we kind of talked about

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Speaker 1: some of the things, the themes that were touching on

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Speaker 1: in our episode around making friends with Loneliness. I haven't

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Speaker 1: had a lot of success dating ever. The only long

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Speaker 1: term relationship I've ever had lasted for three years and

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Speaker 1: we broke up. Um. I think two years ago. I

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Speaker 1: think we're coming up on the date. And I would

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Speaker 1: say we broke up for three main reasons. I'm the

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Speaker 1: type of person that like list things I write why

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Speaker 1: I still have it? Okay, well, all right, So he

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Speaker 1: had just turned thirty and he knew I didn't want

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Speaker 1: to get married, I didn't want to have kids, I

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Speaker 1: didn't want to buy a house, and he just felt like,

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Speaker 1: I'm thirty and I want these things, and now I'm

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Speaker 1: wasting time, honestly turning thirty. For me, just to put

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Speaker 1: it out there, I am in my late thirties. I'm

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Speaker 1: not gonna give you specifics because you know I'm going

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Speaker 1: to hide all of that behind my young, youthful face.

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Speaker 1: Just agree with me, any yes, thank you. UM was

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Speaker 1: pretty significant for me. I had just lost my job

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Speaker 1: and was trying to figure out what to do with

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Speaker 1: my life. I literally didn't have the place to live,

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Speaker 1: and I was crashing on someone's couch. I wasn't doing anything,

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Speaker 1: I thought by the time I turned thirty. I mean,

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Speaker 1: I grew up in a religious household which believed that

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Speaker 1: a woman's duty was to be married and bared children

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Speaker 1: and support your husband. I had none of that. Don't

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Speaker 1: get me wrong. That wasn't necessarily something I wanted to do.

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Speaker 1: But because I didn't even have a relationship at that

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Speaker 1: point in time, I didn't have any prospects of actually

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Speaker 1: making money. I felt, obviously, this is the worst case

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Speaker 1: scenario for being thirty. I was homeless, I had no job,

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Speaker 1: I had no family mm hmm. And of course for

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Speaker 1: my birthday, it was a little bit sad. On my

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Speaker 1: thirtieth birthday, I literally ended up in a bar in

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Speaker 1: a very small town drinking some awful, awful, pink, sugary

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Speaker 1: drink adult beverage we'll leave it at that, which resulted

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Speaker 1: in one of the worst hangovers ever. Happy thirtieth birthday

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Speaker 1: wasn't an Applebee's, No, but you know what. I used

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Speaker 1: to go to that place often after one of our

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Speaker 1: hard days from the children's services and would do a

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Speaker 1: bad child abuse and vinsification. I went for those long

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Speaker 1: Beach Long Islands. They're only two dollars. They were delicious.

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Speaker 1: The first legal drink I bought was that an Applebee's

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Speaker 1: and I have not been able to forget it was

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Speaker 1: Bahama Mama, the Bahama Mama. Did you get the big

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Speaker 1: version that was the glass? Of course didn't you did

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Speaker 1: it right? I'm proud of you. I had a good

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Speaker 1: I mean I wouldn't. It's not something I would enjoy now,

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Speaker 1: but I think for the twenty first birthday, it was

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Speaker 1: a good one. That was good one. It's a good

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Speaker 1: way to go. Why do you think why do you

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Speaker 1: think that is that you that you felt this way

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Speaker 1: at thirty? Specifically well obviously being the low the low,

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Speaker 1: losing a job and feeling like I was it self sufficient,

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Speaker 1: and having that small fear that I was going to

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Speaker 1: have to live at home at the age of thirty.

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Speaker 1: I was petrified also because I didn't want to live

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Speaker 1: in the mountains of North Georgia where there is literally

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Speaker 1: one Walmart and three traffic lights. It's great and all,

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Speaker 1: but not when you're thirty single and sad. I mean,

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Speaker 1: that's just bad ideas all together in that one place.

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Speaker 1: And then I think, also, I kind of blame my mom,

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Speaker 1: not because she's a bad person, but she was also

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Speaker 1: the person who got married as a teenager. And all

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Speaker 1: of our conversations about relationships had to do with finding

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Speaker 1: the one, finding the one, finding the one, and I

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Speaker 1: was the one child of the four. I'm the youngest

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Speaker 1: of four that didn't bring home significant others. So they

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Speaker 1: were all worried that either I was gay, which I

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Speaker 1: don't understand that, or that I was going to die alone.

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Speaker 1: And many of our conversations my mother and I would

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Speaker 1: turn to how she didn't want me to die alone,

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Speaker 1: but she would then cry about and I would just

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Speaker 1: sit and stare. Yeah. So yeah, I definitely felt like

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Speaker 1: I feeled just for that conversation alone. Yeah. It is

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Speaker 1: interesting how thirty seems to be this this decade, like

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Speaker 1: all of a sudden, Oh no, I recently turned thirty,

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Speaker 1: and I have to admit it. I have started thinking

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Speaker 1: more and more about being forty and being alone. And

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Speaker 1: that's just it. Like nothing else. It's a sea of

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Speaker 1: loneliness in my apartment. Um, no one calls me, No

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Speaker 1: one checks in. I just sit alone and stare at

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Speaker 1: the wall waiting. This is why you get a dog

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Speaker 1: that judges you. At least you have someone to argue

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Speaker 1: with that kind of doesn't argue back, but stares at

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Speaker 1: you with this look on her face, like why are

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Speaker 1: you still here? Do you think your neighbors can hear

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Speaker 1: you arguing with your dog? They absolutely can, perfect and

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Speaker 1: most of the time they're on her side. Oh come on, yeah,

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Speaker 1: come on, come on, Samantha's neighbors, come on. One of

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Speaker 1: the first things, um, someone in her office said to

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Speaker 1: me when she found out I had turned thirty, well,

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Speaker 1: it's time to be an adult and no more goofing off.

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Speaker 1: And I experienced a real moment of is that what

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Speaker 1: it is? Oh? No, I mean exactly. You magically turned

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Speaker 1: thirty and everything should be very put together. You should

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Speaker 1: well put together. You should not be spilling things on yourself.

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Speaker 1: You should not be falling, you should not be wearing

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Speaker 1: um dirty clothes. Oh. Yes, Samantha and I are both

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Speaker 1: very clumsy. I actually fell down at a at a

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Speaker 1: bar this weekend for no reason I can pinpoint. I

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Speaker 1: just sort of fell Well, when you know you and

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Speaker 1: I are discussing doing this. As we were leaving, I

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Speaker 1: definitely just fell flat on the ground of the parking lot.

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Speaker 1: My favorite part of that was that guy watching us,

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Speaker 1: just staring at it. She made no move to help her,

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Speaker 1: didn't say anything, and my mind, I was like, this

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Speaker 1: is where I live now. Yeah, we just sort of

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Speaker 1: relaxed for a minute. But I'm I'm someone who I

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Speaker 1: I'm very active and I go do a lot of things,

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Speaker 1: and I I'm not. I don't know why I'm suddenly

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Speaker 1: I'm worried as if something's gonna shut down, and I'm

283
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Speaker 1: just never gonna leave my apartment again. I'm a conjuled myself. Honestly,

284
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Speaker 1: I think that's kind of how our friendship started, just

285
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Speaker 1: because you would actually go alone to places. I was

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Speaker 1: working at a bar. You came in with a mutual

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Speaker 1: friend and you just sat there. And then I invited

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Speaker 1: you again and you came alone. You sat there, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know many women who would

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Speaker 1: just do this. I know many men who would do this,

291
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Speaker 1: but you did. And then I ran into you at

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Speaker 1: a random food festival and you're just chilling by yourself, Like, hey, Anny,

293
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Speaker 1: you you're just sitting here. I'm just hating some food.

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Speaker 1: If you want to join us, Yeah, I mean I

295
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,640
Speaker 1: don't know many women who would go and do things

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Speaker 1: like that by themselves. That's pretty courageous to me. Thank you. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I do love going out, and um, I I have

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Speaker 1: this weird kind of internal I'm gonna go and do

299
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Speaker 1: all of the things. I call it maximizing. Um. But

300
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Speaker 1: I'm so glad that I did run into you at

301
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:11,280
Speaker 1: that food festival that was so random and great. We

302
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:16,160
Speaker 1: took a lot of bottles of prosecco. Yeah, yeah, we did, well,

303
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:19,360
Speaker 1: you did. I had to walk home, so I just

304
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:22,600
Speaker 1: sort of like aided and embedded. It's funny because I

305
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:26,760
Speaker 1: am really independent and outgoing, and I've never thought about

306
00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:31,400
Speaker 1: it through someone else's eyes. But now sometimes I'll have

307
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:35,000
Speaker 1: like this whisper of a thought of like, am I

308
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Speaker 1: aesthetic at this theater by myself? Watching this children's movie?

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00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:42,120
Speaker 1: And then I quickly dismiss it. But I have the

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00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:45,080
Speaker 1: thought now and I didn't used to. Is it because

311
00:16:45,080 --> 00:16:49,360
Speaker 1: it's the children's movie or because you're by yourself? It's Oh,

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00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:53,760
Speaker 1: I think it's that one's double compounded a double. I

313
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Speaker 1: think I did that I was a nanny way back when,

314
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Speaker 1: and I would pick out the movies that I wanted

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Speaker 1: to see with the kids and just be like, yeah,

316
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Speaker 1: definitely chose this movie. And I'm not the one who

317
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Speaker 1: wants to watch this, but of course I did have

318
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,360
Speaker 1: the front of being a nanny. Another thing that I've

319
00:17:07,359 --> 00:17:10,200
Speaker 1: been thinking about lately is I have an aunt who

320
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Speaker 1: is the oldest of my mom's siblings, and she's alone

321
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Speaker 1: and she's sick, and the way people talk about her,

322
00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:21,119
Speaker 1: like her existence is so tragic and so empty it

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Speaker 1: kind of shocks me. Um. But she she does stuff,

324
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,560
Speaker 1: and she does a lot of stuff. She helps babysitter, grandkids,

325
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Speaker 1: she's she has a lot of friends, like, she's always

326
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Speaker 1: out doing things. But it's as if because she doesn't

327
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:40,199
Speaker 1: have this like husband, family thing, she doesn't exist or

328
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:43,280
Speaker 1: she just must be so sad. You know. I actually

329
00:17:43,320 --> 00:17:45,440
Speaker 1: have a situation like that too. I had an aunt

330
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:49,399
Speaker 1: who lived with her brother and her only socialization was

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Speaker 1: with my father, And that was one of the examples

332
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Speaker 1: I would get from my mom about dying alone. Do

333
00:17:55,359 --> 00:17:57,200
Speaker 1: you want to end up like Aunt so and so,

334
00:17:57,320 --> 00:17:59,320
Speaker 1: where she's alone and other people have to come take

335
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:02,120
Speaker 1: care of her. Which was a fantastic way to do Christmas.

336
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:06,200
Speaker 1: But like, I've also had aunts and uncles who, when

337
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:10,680
Speaker 1: their spouses pass away, there by themselves and everybody feel

338
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,679
Speaker 1: sorry for them. But every time I go to see them,

339
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:16,440
Speaker 1: they're gone. They're doing things, they're being active, they're getting

340
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,159
Speaker 1: new boyfriends, they getting new days. It's just it's not

341
00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:20,920
Speaker 1: as you we used to be. And I'm not really

342
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:24,119
Speaker 1: sure why that stigma of being alone is such a

343
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,520
Speaker 1: death sentence. But yeah, I definitely here all the time,

344
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:36,000
Speaker 1: all the time. Yeah Christmas, I hear you. Another layer

345
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,879
Speaker 1: to this is that my father is dying of terminal

346
00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:42,000
Speaker 1: cancer and there was a pressure to get married before

347
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:45,439
Speaker 1: he died so he could walk me down the aisle

348
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:49,520
Speaker 1: and that he could see these grandkids that he had.

349
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:54,200
Speaker 1: UM and I have two siblings, but I think they

350
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:58,000
Speaker 1: none of us are UM married, No one's close to

351
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,080
Speaker 1: having kids. My older brother did just get engaged and

352
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,840
Speaker 1: he's having a cleon wedding and I'm going to be

353
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:04,000
Speaker 1: there and I'm so happy about it. But I think

354
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,080
Speaker 1: there was kind of this like pinning of hopes to me,

355
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,280
Speaker 1: like I was the one that was going to go

356
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:12,160
Speaker 1: do this like normal family thing and that's something that

357
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,320
Speaker 1: he had to learn to let go, and so did I,

358
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:18,680
Speaker 1: because for a while I was seriously considering I could

359
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,640
Speaker 1: just find somebody that I like well enough, and I'll

360
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:25,600
Speaker 1: get married and I'll settle and at least my dad

361
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,520
Speaker 1: will have been able to walk me down the aisle,

362
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:31,680
Speaker 1: which is not a great way to go into a relationship.

363
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,960
Speaker 1: And now I've let go of that part. But now

364
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,800
Speaker 1: there's this pressure to take care of my mom and

365
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:39,399
Speaker 1: make sure she's not lonely. And what will she do?

366
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:42,520
Speaker 1: She'll be so alone. And my mom is a strong person,

367
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:46,200
Speaker 1: but I do have the sense that I don't want

368
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:47,959
Speaker 1: her to be alone, Like I think about it and

369
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:52,400
Speaker 1: I just don't. It tugs at my heart. Um, and

370
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:56,240
Speaker 1: she got married so young before she figured out who

371
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,760
Speaker 1: she really was on her own, and the conversations I've

372
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:02,480
Speaker 1: had with her have upset me so much because she

373
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:04,840
Speaker 1: just sounds so lost, like I don't know, I don't

374
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:08,560
Speaker 1: really know who I am. I mean, my mom very

375
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,960
Speaker 1: similar to that, except for the criminal cancer bit. But

376
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,560
Speaker 1: my mom got and my dad got married really really young.

377
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:18,800
Speaker 1: I think we're hitting up into forty nine year anniversary,

378
00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:22,919
Speaker 1: if year anniversary, and I do not know what my

379
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:26,240
Speaker 1: mother would do if my father would pass away. I'm

380
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:29,040
Speaker 1: very worried about that. That's been a scenario in my mind,

381
00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:32,280
Speaker 1: which is awful. But I hope she dies before my

382
00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,240
Speaker 1: dad because I know at least my dad is self

383
00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:37,600
Speaker 1: sufficient enough. He's the one that's had the job. He's

384
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,440
Speaker 1: the one that's taking care of the home. Don't get

385
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:42,920
Speaker 1: me wrong, he would be very lonely because I think

386
00:20:43,080 --> 00:20:45,000
Speaker 1: they can count on one hand how many times they

387
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:49,159
Speaker 1: have not slept together, like physically slept together. So he

388
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:53,679
Speaker 1: would be lost without her. But my mom, her emotions

389
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:57,000
Speaker 1: are empathy, and her love and just passion for her

390
00:20:57,080 --> 00:21:00,800
Speaker 1: husband is unreal, and I think a lot of that

391
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:05,280
Speaker 1: has to do with dependency in in habit. But I

392
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,040
Speaker 1: I don't know what they would do if they were

393
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:11,520
Speaker 1: not together. I think that's what she would desire for

394
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,760
Speaker 1: all of her kids, and that's what she pushed that

395
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:16,560
Speaker 1: onto me, because she's realized as of late, as all

396
00:21:16,600 --> 00:21:20,480
Speaker 1: of my siblings have all gotten divorced, that not everyone

397
00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:24,320
Speaker 1: can have their dream. But I know that was something

398
00:21:24,359 --> 00:21:27,800
Speaker 1: that would push her and motivate hers that as a mom,

399
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,920
Speaker 1: what I want to see for you is that you're

400
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,720
Speaker 1: not alone that you're going to be taken care of,

401
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:35,760
Speaker 1: not realizing I'm pretty self sufficient. I can take care

402
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:37,879
Speaker 1: of myself. I mean, if I have to sleep on

403
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,760
Speaker 1: someone's couch, I'll do that, right. I have to go

404
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:44,840
Speaker 1: work out a Carbucks? Yeah, Oh that, and that's something too.

405
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:46,359
Speaker 1: I think that's the whole episode that I'd love to

406
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,800
Speaker 1: come back to. Is just like having these conversations with

407
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:53,119
Speaker 1: my mom because she did come from a different time,

408
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:55,560
Speaker 1: like things were just different than they are now, and

409
00:21:55,560 --> 00:22:01,199
Speaker 1: and she is really receptive to oh, things aren't like

410
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,600
Speaker 1: they were when I was dating and getting married and

411
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:08,359
Speaker 1: having kids, that they're just not the same. Um. And

412
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:12,639
Speaker 1: she's a super strong woman woman. And I don't want

413
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,880
Speaker 1: to make it sound like my dad dying and she's

414
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:18,320
Speaker 1: just gonna be like helpless. That's not it at all.

415
00:22:18,560 --> 00:22:21,040
Speaker 1: I just care about her, and I know it's been

416
00:22:21,119 --> 00:22:24,920
Speaker 1: difficult and it will be difficult. Just from the little

417
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:27,280
Speaker 1: I know of your family history, she's already endured more

418
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:30,159
Speaker 1: than most. So that alone makes me think that you

419
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:31,920
Speaker 1: guys will be just fine and she'll be just fine.

420
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:36,400
Speaker 1: But the and minute, oh my gosh, yeah, what's gonna

421
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,359
Speaker 1: happen next? Is always always scary especially because you don't

422
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:44,119
Speaker 1: know for sure how things will end. Yeah, and she

423
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:48,320
Speaker 1: is truly like one of my best friends. I love

424
00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:52,040
Speaker 1: her hang out a lot, Yeah, I love it. Yeah.

425
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,520
Speaker 1: But so this was all part of reason number one

426
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,720
Speaker 1: why I broke up with my ex boyfriend. Really, it

427
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,680
Speaker 1: was a mutual breakup. I'm the it was mutual. Um.

428
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:05,040
Speaker 1: So yes, let's move on to reason too, which is

429
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:09,840
Speaker 1: I don't like having sex. Yeah, and I think it's

430
00:23:09,840 --> 00:23:12,919
Speaker 1: for a couple of reasons. I've mentioned before on the

431
00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:15,760
Speaker 1: show that I have exercised linia, and um, one of

432
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:19,439
Speaker 1: the side effects of that is lack of sex drive.

433
00:23:20,280 --> 00:23:23,960
Speaker 1: And you and I were discussing this at at the bar,

434
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:29,080
Speaker 1: the one that we yeah that time, um, and we

435
00:23:29,119 --> 00:23:31,840
Speaker 1: went on a tangent about how society expects women to

436
00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:35,640
Speaker 1: look a certain way, but that certain way might take

437
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:40,000
Speaker 1: away their sex drive, and that men are entitled sex,

438
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:43,320
Speaker 1: but specifically sex with a certain type of body. So

439
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:47,240
Speaker 1: don't get mad at us society, right. I mean, so

440
00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:49,480
Speaker 1: for me, now you get to really get to know

441
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:52,080
Speaker 1: who I am. Dirty secrets of my life that are

442
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:56,640
Speaker 1: really dirties. Sad was that I actually didn't have sex

443
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:58,840
Speaker 1: until I was twenty five. And a majority of that

444
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:02,960
Speaker 1: was because of my body shoes. I felt like being

445
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:05,439
Speaker 1: a certain way, being sort of type, even being a

446
00:24:05,440 --> 00:24:09,360
Speaker 1: certain race, was going against me, and I was absolutely

447
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:13,119
Speaker 1: fearful of showing that off. Don't get me wrong, I

448
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:15,679
Speaker 1: really wanted to have sex. I'm one of those girls

449
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:18,119
Speaker 1: I got. I'm that the girl who wants to be

450
00:24:18,200 --> 00:24:24,880
Speaker 1: laid on that too much. I'm sorry, um, but I'm

451
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,320
Speaker 1: also the girl who did not fit the stereotype of

452
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:31,080
Speaker 1: the typical Asian that men fetish about, which, by the way,

453
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,639
Speaker 1: I don't want that, but there is that ideal of

454
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:35,840
Speaker 1: Asian women are slim, and this and this and this,

455
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:39,080
Speaker 1: and I also was not, um, I'm not white, but

456
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,960
Speaker 1: because I grew up in a white area, white social

457
00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:46,040
Speaker 1: circle circle, thank you, I thought I was supposed to

458
00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:49,040
Speaker 1: be that standard as well. Instead, I was this the

459
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:53,560
Speaker 1: Asian girl with no booty, meaning my mom who, by

460
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,679
Speaker 1: the way, I'm adopted, so I have white family. Just

461
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:57,720
Speaker 1: to put that out there, my mom made a joke

462
00:24:57,760 --> 00:25:01,119
Speaker 1: to me and I was so confused, which sweet Southern

463
00:25:01,119 --> 00:25:03,919
Speaker 1: woman says Smith, I didn't know you took a new

464
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,439
Speaker 1: as a tall pill. I don't know what what what

465
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,440
Speaker 1: are you talking? About you because you ain't got no

466
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:12,800
Speaker 1: s at all. Gosh, and that was my white mother

467
00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:21,400
Speaker 1: who says, mercy me and bless your heart. Yeah. Body issues, Yeah,

468
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:26,680
Speaker 1: that is something else we could and should do an

469
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:29,400
Speaker 1: entire episode on. I mean, I know we've talked about

470
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,919
Speaker 1: it before, but there's so much there, um, and we

471
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,399
Speaker 1: probably will get into that a little bit more in

472
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,840
Speaker 1: this mini series. When I was in high school, I

473
00:25:37,880 --> 00:25:40,440
Speaker 1: ended up in the hospital because of body image issues,

474
00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:43,280
Speaker 1: and um, this is something I tried repeatedly to get

475
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:46,159
Speaker 1: my ex boyfriend understand that to me, my body is

476
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:49,320
Speaker 1: gross and you're telling me that you think I'm sexy

477
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:53,000
Speaker 1: does not change that. Showing people my body is a

478
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:57,960
Speaker 1: self conscious, miserable experience, and he could not wrap his

479
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,679
Speaker 1: mind around that. Yeah, you're right, we could do a

480
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:03,840
Speaker 1: whole other episode on this issue. We should just say,

481
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,760
Speaker 1: because I don't want to leave another episode. But it's

482
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:09,040
Speaker 1: terrifying to know strong women like you feel this and

483
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:12,920
Speaker 1: at the same time completely understandable. I have a constant

484
00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:15,000
Speaker 1: struggle about my body and the idea of being naked

485
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:18,080
Speaker 1: in front of people. It's terrified. I have a constant

486
00:26:18,119 --> 00:26:20,680
Speaker 1: issue of trying to debate do I eat this, Don't

487
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:22,879
Speaker 1: I eat this? Do I drink this, Don't I drink this?

488
00:26:23,119 --> 00:26:25,240
Speaker 1: How much do I have to work out to combat

489
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:27,879
Speaker 1: what I've just eaten? And it's a constant thing. I

490
00:26:27,960 --> 00:26:31,720
Speaker 1: weigh myself every day and based on the skills, how

491
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:34,200
Speaker 1: I feel that day. But just an awful, awful way

492
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:37,280
Speaker 1: to go about life. But it's a constant struggle and

493
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:41,560
Speaker 1: being even in my late thirties, I'm more confident now

494
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,960
Speaker 1: than I was twenty years ago. I am more confident

495
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:47,800
Speaker 1: now than I was fifteen years ago. But it's still

496
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,679
Speaker 1: a day. They struggled because you see and look around

497
00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:53,359
Speaker 1: about what the standards are. And even though we've gotten

498
00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:58,440
Speaker 1: better about showing real women, they're still the stigma of yeah,

499
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:01,000
Speaker 1: but you need to look like is if you want

500
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:03,199
Speaker 1: to be like this, you should look like this. And

501
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:06,840
Speaker 1: when you don't hit those points, you feel like you felt,

502
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:09,000
Speaker 1: you feel like you need to stay at home with

503
00:27:09,119 --> 00:27:13,680
Speaker 1: your dog. Eating more cheese sticks. Yeah, I love cheesesticks. Well,

504
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:20,080
Speaker 1: we've established that we love cheese. Cheese. Yeah, Um, it's

505
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:22,439
Speaker 1: one of those things I feel guilty, like every time

506
00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:26,760
Speaker 1: I eat, I feel guilty, And um, I remember there's

507
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,439
Speaker 1: been a couple of studies that are shown that for women,

508
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:31,919
Speaker 1: a lot of women who don't enjoy sex, it's because

509
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,800
Speaker 1: the whole time they feel so self conscious about their body.

510
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,320
Speaker 1: And that's sad, like this should be a pleasurable experience

511
00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:41,520
Speaker 1: for both parties, for all parties involves and we're definitely

512
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,239
Speaker 1: gonna talk more about this. But um, I told you

513
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,520
Speaker 1: I'm on the online dating world and I've been there

514
00:27:46,560 --> 00:27:49,399
Speaker 1: for it's almost like a part time job. Yeah, I

515
00:27:49,440 --> 00:27:52,280
Speaker 1: probably should rethink my strategy because I'm really really bad

516
00:27:52,359 --> 00:27:55,800
Speaker 1: at it. But one of the things about I think

517
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:59,680
Speaker 1: there's one specific site that asked the questionnaire about if

518
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:01,400
Speaker 1: you don't feel good about yourself, are you still able

519
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:03,800
Speaker 1: to have sex? And the majority of the men that

520
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,760
Speaker 1: I've seen responding like absolutely yes anytime. And for the

521
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:08,920
Speaker 1: majority of the women, they're like no, no, no, no, no,

522
00:28:09,119 --> 00:28:10,520
Speaker 1: don't touch me, don't look at me. I'm going to

523
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,479
Speaker 1: hide away in my barrel lap sack in the corner

524
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:17,240
Speaker 1: eating one sticks. That's just gonna be my theme, I guess.

525
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:20,000
Speaker 1: But that's a thing that is a constant thing. If

526
00:28:20,040 --> 00:28:23,280
Speaker 1: I don't feel good about myself, all I can think

527
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:25,879
Speaker 1: while I'm with you is what do I look to

528
00:28:25,960 --> 00:28:28,639
Speaker 1: you and it's it's awful. It shouldn't be like that.

529
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:31,280
Speaker 1: It should be pleasurable. It should be a moment of

530
00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,840
Speaker 1: intimacy and feeling like you're together or at least just

531
00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:39,320
Speaker 1: enjoying it. But it's not. It becomes a whole different thing.

532
00:28:39,920 --> 00:28:44,320
Speaker 1: It does. Um. Another thing at play for me is

533
00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:46,000
Speaker 1: and you and I have talked about this off my air,

534
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:48,920
Speaker 1: is that I've wondered whether or not I am a sexual.

535
00:28:49,520 --> 00:28:52,440
Speaker 1: I've always considered myself queer, and I've attracted to men

536
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:55,160
Speaker 1: and women. I've dated men and women, but still I

537
00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:57,600
Speaker 1: have never wanted to have sex. Um, that's something I'm

538
00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:01,280
Speaker 1: still trying to figure out about myself, still learning, still growling. Yeah,

539
00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:02,680
Speaker 1: I mean I think that has a lot to do

540
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:06,760
Speaker 1: with intimacy too, And I know again we're gonna talk

541
00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:09,640
Speaker 1: more and more about this, the idea of intimacy, the

542
00:29:09,680 --> 00:29:13,680
Speaker 1: idea of how trauma affects our personal being. For me,

543
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:15,760
Speaker 1: it's sex in relationship with something I could separate as

544
00:29:15,760 --> 00:29:18,600
Speaker 1: two different things. So I'm the not the opposite, but

545
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:21,360
Speaker 1: in a different m prospect because I like sex. Don't

546
00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:25,360
Speaker 1: get me wrong, I enjoy sex, and I'm I'm not

547
00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:27,280
Speaker 1: gonna get too deep into that, but you know I

548
00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:31,560
Speaker 1: enjoy it. However, I do separate relationship from that oftentimes,

549
00:29:31,600 --> 00:29:34,160
Speaker 1: and I make the mistake of having one or the

550
00:29:34,200 --> 00:29:37,440
Speaker 1: other and then coming back to trying to put them together.

551
00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:42,680
Speaker 1: I think, just to let you know, into my very

552
00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:45,680
Speaker 1: uneventful life, I hadn't had a relationship last longer than

553
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:49,320
Speaker 1: seven months. And for me, the idea forever it is

554
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:53,000
Speaker 1: very foreign to me, even at late thirties. I cannot

555
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,760
Speaker 1: completely comprehend the idea of the rest of my life,

556
00:29:56,120 --> 00:30:01,480
Speaker 1: I mean forever, wherever, ever, ever, ever, it's just something

557
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:04,440
Speaker 1: that doesn't make sense to me. And so for me

558
00:30:04,560 --> 00:30:08,560
Speaker 1: to put that with sex, a relationship with intimacy plus sex,

559
00:30:08,800 --> 00:30:11,479
Speaker 1: it seems like such a big thing that I cannot

560
00:30:11,520 --> 00:30:14,360
Speaker 1: comprehend that as one m And you know that has

561
00:30:15,280 --> 00:30:18,000
Speaker 1: a lot to do with my own trauma and attachment issues,

562
00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:21,120
Speaker 1: which will get into later on. Yeah, And going off

563
00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:24,120
Speaker 1: of that, the third and final reason, uh, main reason

564
00:30:24,160 --> 00:30:26,880
Speaker 1: because I could have level list that I me and

565
00:30:26,920 --> 00:30:30,520
Speaker 1: my last boyfriend broke up is my history with sexual

566
00:30:30,560 --> 00:30:33,000
Speaker 1: assault and abuse in trauma, and it was something I

567
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:37,400
Speaker 1: was relatively open with open about with him um and

568
00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:40,520
Speaker 1: we both thought we could work through it, and that

569
00:30:40,640 --> 00:30:43,360
Speaker 1: turned out to not be the case. And I want

570
00:30:43,360 --> 00:30:45,840
Speaker 1: to stay here that my ex boyfriend was a lovely person.

571
00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:48,680
Speaker 1: He never pushed me or made me feel uncomfortable. We

572
00:30:48,760 --> 00:30:51,959
Speaker 1: had what I would call the most mature break up.

573
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:54,480
Speaker 1: We said to each other, here all the things I

574
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:56,880
Speaker 1: love and like about you, but here are the things

575
00:30:56,920 --> 00:30:59,920
Speaker 1: I don't think that you can give me. Our thing

576
00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:03,720
Speaker 1: I can't get out of this relationship, and that was

577
00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:06,920
Speaker 1: that you're still friends, right, Yeah, we're meeting later tonight.

578
00:31:08,360 --> 00:31:12,400
Speaker 1: To me, x people did not exist. They go into

579
00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:14,760
Speaker 1: the void of nowhere that I don't ever want to

580
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:21,600
Speaker 1: see again. Well, it was definitely awkward, and it's it's

581
00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:24,480
Speaker 1: so easy to fall back into old habits. So we

582
00:31:24,480 --> 00:31:30,440
Speaker 1: don't hang out too too often, but you know we do, yes, Um,

583
00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:34,320
Speaker 1: And I like to joke that Donald Trump killed our relationship. Um,

584
00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:37,880
Speaker 1: it's half joking, half true. Is that really a joke though? Yeah,

585
00:31:37,960 --> 00:31:44,480
Speaker 1: because his election was the final nail in our relationship, coffin.

586
00:31:44,920 --> 00:31:51,000
Speaker 1: Because we were at a party soon after, and I

587
00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:53,880
Speaker 1: don't know, something just snapped in my brain and I

588
00:31:53,920 --> 00:31:57,440
Speaker 1: started shouting at him like I'm not okay, you know,

589
00:31:57,480 --> 00:31:59,920
Speaker 1: I'm not okay. Why are we both pretending I'm okay?

590
00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:03,080
Speaker 1: Because I couldn't. I couldn't. There was a mask I

591
00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:06,440
Speaker 1: had up and it just broke, it crumbled, and I

592
00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:10,800
Speaker 1: couldn't keep going anymore. And that's why, like I think,

593
00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:14,800
Speaker 1: I told you, this is the most I've ever told anybody.

594
00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:18,920
Speaker 1: I've never shared so much of what we're talking about,

595
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:22,000
Speaker 1: and it's because I couldn't go on anymore. Um. It

596
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:26,840
Speaker 1: was exhausting. And UM, I am a very logical person,

597
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:31,400
Speaker 1: and even I always felt like I'm less than, I'm

598
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,800
Speaker 1: not enough, but I knew logically that wasn't true, so

599
00:32:34,880 --> 00:32:36,880
Speaker 1: I was able to kind of Okay, I know you

600
00:32:36,920 --> 00:32:39,920
Speaker 1: feel this way, but here's logic reason x y Z

601
00:32:40,560 --> 00:32:43,440
Speaker 1: why you're wrong. But then when Trump was elected, it

602
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:45,840
Speaker 1: was a signal to me that in the eyes of

603
00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:50,480
Speaker 1: people of society, I was less than. And if you

604
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:54,280
Speaker 1: feel that way and then you see like this sign,

605
00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:59,680
Speaker 1: it's really hard to fight that. UM. I know that's

606
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:02,840
Speaker 1: part of our conversations that we had. UM after our

607
00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:06,760
Speaker 1: cheese night, cheese and wine night. I had wine there

608
00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:10,760
Speaker 1: to y'all. But at this point in time, this is

609
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:14,080
Speaker 1: the best time to come forward because we need to

610
00:33:14,120 --> 00:33:17,480
Speaker 1: support each other. And you and I were talking about

611
00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:19,960
Speaker 1: the fact that everybody's like, why is everybody having so

612
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:22,720
Speaker 1: many issues? So all now women will report things now,

613
00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:25,640
Speaker 1: And it's not so much that was happening now. It's

614
00:33:25,640 --> 00:33:28,760
Speaker 1: more that they've been empowered. You hear one story and

615
00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:31,400
Speaker 1: encourages another to tell their story. They hear their story

616
00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:34,480
Speaker 1: and encourages another tale the story. It's not so much

617
00:33:34,480 --> 00:33:36,920
Speaker 1: that it's a new thing. It's more so that we've

618
00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:39,760
Speaker 1: taken on our power and felt like we could finally

619
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:43,720
Speaker 1: advocate for ourselves and talk about what's wrong, and we

620
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,240
Speaker 1: want to correct that. And we're gonna take it back,

621
00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:49,800
Speaker 1: take that power back, and take these issues that have

622
00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:53,600
Speaker 1: haunted us for so long and shamed us when it

623
00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:57,560
Speaker 1: was not our fault. I think for me, my attachment

624
00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:00,320
Speaker 1: issues due to my TRAPA affect my relationships all together.

625
00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:03,400
Speaker 1: I think, um, when you can see in my past

626
00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:07,520
Speaker 1: relationships there's this concept of me being disposable as a

627
00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:11,480
Speaker 1: female and not completely trusting men. I'm gonna say, especially

628
00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:14,520
Speaker 1: white men. I have a hard time, as a woman

629
00:34:14,560 --> 00:34:18,239
Speaker 1: of color feeling like I am of worth do them.

630
00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:25,279
Speaker 1: I grew up in an era of being used and

631
00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:27,560
Speaker 1: when I when I say that, I guess it's my era,

632
00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:29,919
Speaker 1: not so much the era of the time I grew

633
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:32,520
Speaker 1: up in an orphanage. I was brought to the US,

634
00:34:32,960 --> 00:34:35,320
Speaker 1: and those times were probably some of the most traumatic

635
00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:38,200
Speaker 1: times that I've had in my life, and I was

636
00:34:38,600 --> 00:34:41,759
Speaker 1: told on a constant basis, and I was shown that

637
00:34:41,800 --> 00:34:44,600
Speaker 1: I was lesser and that I was more oftentimes in

638
00:34:44,640 --> 00:34:48,919
Speaker 1: the way and or just for their pleasure. So for me,

639
00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:53,600
Speaker 1: I still cannot let that go. I have gone through

640
00:34:53,680 --> 00:34:55,480
Speaker 1: many years of therapy. You and I talked about this,

641
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:57,600
Speaker 1: and one of the reasons I am a social worker

642
00:34:57,719 --> 00:35:00,400
Speaker 1: is because I was fighting against that on wanting to

643
00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:04,160
Speaker 1: fight for others who felt that way. We'll definitely be

644
00:35:04,160 --> 00:35:07,880
Speaker 1: getting into this all later, but my standard on online

645
00:35:07,960 --> 00:35:10,440
Speaker 1: dating has changed because of that as well. Since our

646
00:35:10,480 --> 00:35:14,960
Speaker 1: current president has been empowered, my understanding of allies has changed,

647
00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:19,239
Speaker 1: and that for me is significant others. So when I

648
00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:23,640
Speaker 1: have someone online tell me, yeah, I'm a feminist, but

649
00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:26,960
Speaker 1: I think this and this and this is too much,

650
00:35:27,320 --> 00:35:30,640
Speaker 1: or I think people of color are making too much

651
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:34,000
Speaker 1: of this who want to call themselves liberal, then you

652
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:37,480
Speaker 1: start realizing you're not an ally and honestly that goes

653
00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:41,960
Speaker 1: for female friends as well. But on my basis of

654
00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:43,480
Speaker 1: trying to figure out do I want to date you,

655
00:35:44,000 --> 00:35:45,719
Speaker 1: I don't think I trust you. We're want to go

656
00:35:45,760 --> 00:35:48,279
Speaker 1: on and move because I already have issues. We don't

657
00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:50,480
Speaker 1: want to add the political factor into this as well.

658
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:53,480
Speaker 1: We have a lot, a lot more to dive into here,

659
00:35:53,480 --> 00:35:55,279
Speaker 1: but first we have a quick break for word from

660
00:35:55,280 --> 00:36:08,759
Speaker 1: our sponsor and we're back. Thank you sponsor. Alright, So

661
00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:15,320
Speaker 1: how do you succeed? Then? The Dictionary defined success as

662
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:20,160
Speaker 1: one the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors,

663
00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:25,719
Speaker 1: the accomplishment of one's goals. And when I read that definition,

664
00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:29,439
Speaker 1: my mind kind of went into like panic mode trying

665
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:31,920
Speaker 1: to think of what what goal? Do I have? Goals?

666
00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:35,320
Speaker 1: What goals? And I found an old list of goals

667
00:36:35,360 --> 00:36:39,120
Speaker 1: I have from like college, and it's one. Number one

668
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:44,000
Speaker 1: was don't waste any more time to exclamation points. Thank

669
00:36:44,040 --> 00:36:48,680
Speaker 1: you for that, all right? Um, to become famous? Three

670
00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:53,640
Speaker 1: visit every continent, four go to space, and five get

671
00:36:53,680 --> 00:36:57,680
Speaker 1: a book published. So yes, failure, Well you're famous to me.

672
00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:02,280
Speaker 1: Thank you because you're a part of this amazing crew

673
00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:06,120
Speaker 1: of people who talk a lot. Thank you I will

674
00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:08,359
Speaker 1: take that as a compliment. I'm just saying it is.

675
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:10,160
Speaker 1: It is a couple of bent people know who you are.

676
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:13,160
Speaker 1: I actually mentioned you this weekend at my other job.

677
00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:16,760
Speaker 1: They were like any from food stuff and I was like, yeah,

678
00:37:17,040 --> 00:37:19,480
Speaker 1: you love her. She's one of the best people, so

679
00:37:19,600 --> 00:37:22,440
Speaker 1: saying you're famous, thank you. I do like to think

680
00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:26,560
Speaker 1: I have um matured and that all of these goals

681
00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:29,600
Speaker 1: are very selfish goals. I think you should definitely go

682
00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:32,600
Speaker 1: to space though. Oh I mean, these are still goals,

683
00:37:32,640 --> 00:37:36,160
Speaker 1: but I've added more nuances, like helping people those kinds

684
00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:37,920
Speaker 1: of things. This was like in college, and it was

685
00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:40,840
Speaker 1: also my Google like task things, so who knows. I

686
00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:43,640
Speaker 1: probably just randomly put it's this thing I have where

687
00:37:43,760 --> 00:37:45,719
Speaker 1: like usually when I'm drunk, I just type something in

688
00:37:45,719 --> 00:37:48,520
Speaker 1: there to remind myself later. Right now at the top,

689
00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:50,400
Speaker 1: I love this because I think it's from Harry Potter.

690
00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:55,560
Speaker 1: It says disarm only. Oh think what Harry Potter says

691
00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:58,440
Speaker 1: when he teaching them during the Order to Phoenix. I'm

692
00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:01,360
Speaker 1: really sad I know that reference. Oh I'm very happy

693
00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:07,560
Speaker 1: you know that reference well for me as a model minority.

694
00:38:07,640 --> 00:38:09,600
Speaker 1: And please know I'm putting that in quotes in with

695
00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:12,239
Speaker 1: a scowl face. Um. My goal has always been to

696
00:38:12,239 --> 00:38:14,640
Speaker 1: stay under the radar and survived. I think that's what

697
00:38:14,719 --> 00:38:18,640
Speaker 1: I learned growing up being the minority of a small town,

698
00:38:19,080 --> 00:38:21,440
Speaker 1: was to fit in, to blend in, and to not

699
00:38:21,480 --> 00:38:24,840
Speaker 1: be noticed. I'm listening kind to stay under the radar

700
00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:30,040
Speaker 1: as a late thirty year old, because I'm fairly prone

701
00:38:30,080 --> 00:38:33,759
Speaker 1: to get angry, especially at this day and age and

702
00:38:33,800 --> 00:38:37,759
Speaker 1: all the new political drama and all of the federal shutdown.

703
00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:40,360
Speaker 1: And I'm very grateful that I'm a state employee and

704
00:38:40,480 --> 00:38:44,480
Speaker 1: not a federal employee, because please know, I would definitely

705
00:38:44,520 --> 00:38:47,440
Speaker 1: live here. I would find a bed, to use that

706
00:38:47,480 --> 00:38:50,440
Speaker 1: cook machine, and I would never leave because this girl

707
00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:52,759
Speaker 1: has to eat somehow, and all I have at my

708
00:38:52,840 --> 00:38:57,080
Speaker 1: house it's doc trees you'd be living off of. We

709
00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:01,280
Speaker 1: have a lot of sparkling water Eminem's and a random

710
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:05,279
Speaker 1: assortment of protein bars. That's such a good dream. You're

711
00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:10,040
Speaker 1: talking about that amazing, Please no, I just like dinner Eminem's.

712
00:39:10,440 --> 00:39:14,279
Speaker 1: Watch protein bar dinner eminem. You should add that to

713
00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:16,439
Speaker 1: your your list of goals. That's gonna be my list

714
00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:18,439
Speaker 1: of goals to live all of eminems for the rest

715
00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:21,120
Speaker 1: of my life. There you go in cheese. But I

716
00:39:21,120 --> 00:39:25,480
Speaker 1: can say thus far I have survived. But other than that,

717
00:39:25,560 --> 00:39:27,160
Speaker 1: I try to keep my goals to a minimum. The

718
00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:29,200
Speaker 1: biggest thing for me is to be better than the

719
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:34,280
Speaker 1: year before, just as generic as that, because that's hopefully

720
00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:39,759
Speaker 1: something that I could attain or at least try for, right. Um.

721
00:39:40,360 --> 00:39:44,560
Speaker 1: The second definition of success in the dictionary is um

722
00:39:44,600 --> 00:39:49,120
Speaker 1: the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like, Oh

723
00:39:49,200 --> 00:39:53,160
Speaker 1: I felt, I felt that I'm poor. I don't say

724
00:39:53,160 --> 00:39:55,319
Speaker 1: I have success succeeded in the I have made my

725
00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:58,160
Speaker 1: way into your life, and slowly claiming he was one

726
00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:01,400
Speaker 1: of my best these I'm sneaking in. Y'all don't know

727
00:40:01,480 --> 00:40:05,759
Speaker 1: this yet, but I'm staying. Y'all it's happening. It's enough,

728
00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:08,000
Speaker 1: someone's gonna believe me. I like how you're like saying

729
00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:12,160
Speaker 1: your master planned on air. I just want this to

730
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:14,160
Speaker 1: be recorded on the first one, so on the last one,

731
00:40:14,239 --> 00:40:16,000
Speaker 1: be like, Yeah, I still live in the corner over here,

732
00:40:16,239 --> 00:40:18,560
Speaker 1: don't worry about it. I'm just I'm just chilling in

733
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:21,440
Speaker 1: the corner on the troll that just eats everybody's leftovers.

734
00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:25,080
Speaker 1: Oh don't. I'm telling you, I have a goal Oh

735
00:40:25,120 --> 00:40:27,960
Speaker 1: my gosh, I would be like such a fun some

736
00:40:28,040 --> 00:40:30,600
Speaker 1: kind of ghosts. We would think you were in office ghost.

737
00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:33,360
Speaker 1: You know what. I dressed up as the Grudge a

738
00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:35,880
Speaker 1: while ago. That's what I'll do for the rest of

739
00:40:35,920 --> 00:40:38,239
Speaker 1: the time. After we've finished. I'll just sit in the

740
00:40:38,239 --> 00:40:40,359
Speaker 1: corner like the Grudge and just start screaming at people,

741
00:40:40,680 --> 00:40:44,120
Speaker 1: staring at people. I love it, and and we never

742
00:40:44,160 --> 00:40:46,800
Speaker 1: address it. No, like you just have to go pass.

743
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:51,480
Speaker 1: Like I'm going to be the secret ghosts like on

744
00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:54,799
Speaker 1: the House, the Haunting of Hill House. You know they

745
00:40:54,880 --> 00:40:56,840
Speaker 1: had all those secret ghosts in there. I'm going to

746
00:40:56,920 --> 00:41:00,600
Speaker 1: be that you can just find with me randomly, man tink, somebody,

747
00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:03,120
Speaker 1: this is our office is strange enough that you might

748
00:41:03,120 --> 00:41:05,239
Speaker 1: be able to like spend that and get paid for it.

749
00:41:05,320 --> 00:41:10,840
Speaker 1: So I am give me money. I do want to

750
00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:14,800
Speaker 1: say that, Um, perhaps we haven't failed, but we're failing.

751
00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:19,279
Speaker 1: It's an ongoing process of failure. Um. And if we're

752
00:41:19,280 --> 00:41:22,960
Speaker 1: talking about failure, the definition is helpfully the first one

753
00:41:23,040 --> 00:41:26,360
Speaker 1: is lack of success, and then the second one is

754
00:41:26,520 --> 00:41:31,440
Speaker 1: a non performance of something do required or expected. And

755
00:41:31,680 --> 00:41:37,080
Speaker 1: to quote Serenity, Um, the bill comes due and we

756
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:42,000
Speaker 1: have not paid up on Society's Bill, and this quote

757
00:41:42,040 --> 00:41:45,279
Speaker 1: I read from a love story by Samantha Hunt resonated

758
00:41:45,560 --> 00:41:48,239
Speaker 1: with me so much when I read it, Um, the

759
00:41:48,320 --> 00:41:51,799
Speaker 1: suffering of the boys, the shame and mutual responsibility for

760
00:41:51,880 --> 00:41:55,080
Speaker 1: blue balls, the suffering of the boys, poor boys. I thought,

761
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:57,279
Speaker 1: poor boys, as if I were being called upon to

762
00:41:57,320 --> 00:42:00,160
Speaker 1: serve in a war effort. The war against boy is

763
00:42:00,160 --> 00:42:02,839
Speaker 1: not getting any And I felt that so much when

764
00:42:02,840 --> 00:42:06,040
Speaker 1: I read it. Um, I have felt so guilty for

765
00:42:06,160 --> 00:42:08,200
Speaker 1: not wanting to have sex, for not giving men what

766
00:42:08,239 --> 00:42:11,759
Speaker 1: they wanted, and I never never really gave much care

767
00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:14,759
Speaker 1: of thought to what I wanted. And I think that's

768
00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:18,520
Speaker 1: an absurd idea that we have to give in just

769
00:42:18,680 --> 00:42:22,759
Speaker 1: to get past not hurting someone's feelings. That's that's the

770
00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:25,480
Speaker 1: things that we are taught. As a Southerner. I am

771
00:42:25,560 --> 00:42:28,280
Speaker 1: taught to please others. We are taught to hug people goodbye.

772
00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:30,760
Speaker 1: We were taught to kiss, give you know, give everybody

773
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:34,000
Speaker 1: a chance, all of these things. And we have to

774
00:42:34,040 --> 00:42:38,400
Speaker 1: ignore our own instincts to make other people feel comfortable.

775
00:42:38,719 --> 00:42:40,640
Speaker 1: And we can say that for many of things, but

776
00:42:41,160 --> 00:42:43,640
Speaker 1: I have definitely been in a situation with men where

777
00:42:43,680 --> 00:42:46,600
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, I'm not interested anymore, but I just want

778
00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:49,040
Speaker 1: to get it over with and it shouldn't have to

779
00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:51,880
Speaker 1: be that way. You and I talked about the whole

780
00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:57,000
Speaker 1: lost the children, the lost children of Rockdale, which is

781
00:42:57,080 --> 00:43:01,360
Speaker 1: the whole thing about all of these teenagers getting syphilism.

782
00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:04,640
Speaker 1: And I remember watching that video as a social when

783
00:43:04,800 --> 00:43:07,800
Speaker 1: in my social work class, and several of the girls

784
00:43:07,840 --> 00:43:09,680
Speaker 1: just came on to talk about how they when they

785
00:43:09,680 --> 00:43:14,080
Speaker 1: gave up their virginity at fourteen, they did it because

786
00:43:14,120 --> 00:43:16,480
Speaker 1: they didn't know they could say no, and they try

787
00:43:16,560 --> 00:43:18,640
Speaker 1: to keep it as oh no, but I wanted to.

788
00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:20,640
Speaker 1: But then you talked to them more and they were

789
00:43:20,680 --> 00:43:22,520
Speaker 1: just sad and sadder and sadder, but they were told

790
00:43:22,520 --> 00:43:24,719
Speaker 1: this is what they're supposed to do. And it's just

791
00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:28,480
Speaker 1: a sad thing in general that we are just now,

792
00:43:28,560 --> 00:43:31,120
Speaker 1: not just now, but we are finally bold enough to

793
00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:33,400
Speaker 1: talk about the fact that you have a right, you

794
00:43:33,480 --> 00:43:37,040
Speaker 1: have a choice, and you have the right to enjoy it.

795
00:43:37,520 --> 00:43:41,680
Speaker 1: But that means on your terms and on your time. Yeah. Yeah,

796
00:43:42,200 --> 00:43:44,680
Speaker 1: that that was something else that I found really interesting

797
00:43:44,719 --> 00:43:46,640
Speaker 1: is this push to change how we talk about sex

798
00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:50,480
Speaker 1: ed as like don't get pregnant, don't get disease, but also, hey,

799
00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:54,000
Speaker 1: it should be a pleasurable, enjoyable thing. So we have

800
00:43:54,040 --> 00:43:56,399
Speaker 1: a long way to go, and you touched on. There's

801
00:43:56,440 --> 00:43:59,279
Speaker 1: so many nuances to this conversation that I think get lost. Um.

802
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:03,720
Speaker 1: One big one for me is um the escalation, wherein

803
00:44:04,080 --> 00:44:08,560
Speaker 1: somebody might be very aggressive flirting with you, and you

804
00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:11,400
Speaker 1: don't want the situation to escalate, so you kind of

805
00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:13,480
Speaker 1: laugh and you're like, oh no, I'm gonna you know,

806
00:44:14,120 --> 00:44:16,920
Speaker 1: and then people get mad at you for being a tease,

807
00:44:17,640 --> 00:44:22,359
Speaker 1: but you're trying to make the situation not worse. So

808
00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:25,920
Speaker 1: you don't really have a good option because I've done both.

809
00:44:25,960 --> 00:44:28,839
Speaker 1: I've done the like no and got me alled at,

810
00:44:29,239 --> 00:44:31,040
Speaker 1: and then I've done the like de escalating and got

811
00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:34,480
Speaker 1: ye all that and these are like shades and nuances

812
00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:38,839
Speaker 1: that I think we leave out a lot. And that's

813
00:44:38,840 --> 00:44:43,400
Speaker 1: why the conversation around azzans are um. People were like,

814
00:44:43,400 --> 00:44:45,160
Speaker 1: why didn't you just walk away? There's a lot more

815
00:44:45,520 --> 00:44:48,439
Speaker 1: to it. There's a lot at play. I think that's

816
00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:51,440
Speaker 1: where I guess lost because people wanted to eat women

817
00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:56,160
Speaker 1: were using or absolutely going after her because they're like,

818
00:44:56,200 --> 00:44:58,320
Speaker 1: this is not really rape, don't use this, don't compare

819
00:44:58,400 --> 00:45:00,440
Speaker 1: to this this and this, and essentially you want to

820
00:45:00,480 --> 00:45:02,560
Speaker 1: go back with no. This is a part of the

821
00:45:02,560 --> 00:45:05,359
Speaker 1: conversation we need to be having because this is still

822
00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:08,160
Speaker 1: a little fine line. She still can change her mind,

823
00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:11,719
Speaker 1: and she just gave in. Just giving in, it's not

824
00:45:11,760 --> 00:45:15,719
Speaker 1: necessarily consent, and we need to have that conversation. Do

825
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:19,400
Speaker 1: I believe this could be held up in court? Not

826
00:45:19,480 --> 00:45:22,000
Speaker 1: necessarily And that's a whole different thing in itself, because

827
00:45:22,000 --> 00:45:25,560
Speaker 1: as a person who works with the government, I know

828
00:45:25,640 --> 00:45:28,080
Speaker 1: what it can take to actually get a case forward,

829
00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:31,359
Speaker 1: and it takes a lot and it's absurd how much

830
00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:34,200
Speaker 1: you have to do to prove that you've been violated.

831
00:45:34,680 --> 00:45:37,200
Speaker 1: But at the same time, these are the reasons that

832
00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:41,160
Speaker 1: people don't come forward, just the small instances of well,

833
00:45:41,400 --> 00:45:44,000
Speaker 1: I didn't fight him, I didn't physically push him, I

834
00:45:44,040 --> 00:45:46,200
Speaker 1: said no, but he kept going and I just finally

835
00:45:46,239 --> 00:45:50,360
Speaker 1: gave in. That's still considered a violation, and that's the

836
00:45:50,440 --> 00:45:52,960
Speaker 1: something that should be stated and should be told to

837
00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:56,279
Speaker 1: other women. You have been violated. I'm not trying to

838
00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:58,359
Speaker 1: tell you you're a victim, but you had the right

839
00:45:58,360 --> 00:46:01,160
Speaker 1: to say no, and for future refs, you have that

840
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:03,359
Speaker 1: right to say no and to say this is not

841
00:46:03,400 --> 00:46:06,600
Speaker 1: what you want. And unfortunately, when you have to say

842
00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:10,680
Speaker 1: it was easier, just know it's not your fault either, right,

843
00:46:11,040 --> 00:46:16,200
Speaker 1: you are still a person who was taken advantage of. Yeah. Um.

844
00:46:16,239 --> 00:46:19,799
Speaker 1: And unfortunately in our society, I think that we're so

845
00:46:19,920 --> 00:46:23,600
Speaker 1: ready to punish women and forgive men. But this is

846
00:46:23,640 --> 00:46:26,320
Speaker 1: how a lot of sexual assault happens. There's a spectrum

847
00:46:26,360 --> 00:46:29,680
Speaker 1: like it is all part of this conversation, all right,

848
00:46:29,719 --> 00:46:36,680
Speaker 1: But back to success, to bring it all back throughout

849
00:46:36,719 --> 00:46:39,000
Speaker 1: our media over and over and over and over again,

850
00:46:39,080 --> 00:46:43,480
Speaker 1: we see success to find as achieving the nuclear, heteronormative

851
00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:46,640
Speaker 1: family unit with the house and the steady job. And

852
00:46:46,719 --> 00:46:50,239
Speaker 1: that is a narrow goal and a narrow range of experiences.

853
00:46:50,280 --> 00:46:52,920
Speaker 1: But that is where I would say our society has

854
00:46:52,960 --> 00:46:56,520
Speaker 1: set the bar for success as a human and there's

855
00:46:56,560 --> 00:46:59,080
Speaker 1: a lot of reasons for that that we could go into.

856
00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:03,080
Speaker 1: And going back to what I was saying at the beginning,

857
00:47:03,120 --> 00:47:05,640
Speaker 1: even as a kid, I didn't really want to get married,

858
00:47:05,800 --> 00:47:08,360
Speaker 1: but I figured I would be by twenty three, And

859
00:47:08,440 --> 00:47:10,600
Speaker 1: when that date came and passed, I sort of shrugged

860
00:47:10,600 --> 00:47:12,800
Speaker 1: it off and thought to myself, well, I can travel

861
00:47:12,800 --> 00:47:14,799
Speaker 1: more and then I'll get married and then thirty came,

862
00:47:14,880 --> 00:47:17,160
Speaker 1: and now, even though I've come to terms of the

863
00:47:17,160 --> 00:47:18,960
Speaker 1: fact that I don't want to get married and probably

864
00:47:18,960 --> 00:47:21,200
Speaker 1: never will, there's a part of me that thinks, what

865
00:47:21,320 --> 00:47:23,680
Speaker 1: if I changed my mind and it is too late,

866
00:47:24,239 --> 00:47:26,520
Speaker 1: you know, like growing up in a very religious household,

867
00:47:26,840 --> 00:47:29,719
Speaker 1: being married and having children was the purpose. I think

868
00:47:29,719 --> 00:47:32,719
Speaker 1: I said that earlier and in college I struggled with

869
00:47:32,760 --> 00:47:34,719
Speaker 1: my identity because I felt I was not living up

870
00:47:34,719 --> 00:47:37,960
Speaker 1: to the standards and the ideals of virtue or a

871
00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:44,000
Speaker 1: virtuous woman. Uh, someone who's subservient. And for me, I'm

872
00:47:44,040 --> 00:47:47,080
Speaker 1: not a subservient woman. Any person that you meet about me,

873
00:47:47,560 --> 00:47:51,359
Speaker 1: they know I'm ridiculous. No, I'm just clean that I'm

874
00:47:51,360 --> 00:47:54,640
Speaker 1: I'm very strong, I'm very independent. Um, I'm to a

875
00:47:54,680 --> 00:47:57,399
Speaker 1: point stubborn when it comes to what I feel is right.

876
00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:01,200
Speaker 1: I think marriage was not important me. For a while

877
00:48:01,239 --> 00:48:02,960
Speaker 1: I thought that's what was supposed to be. And of

878
00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:05,719
Speaker 1: course there's a bit of a romantic in me and

879
00:48:05,800 --> 00:48:07,479
Speaker 1: that things. Of course, I want to be with someone

880
00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:09,880
Speaker 1: forever never, never, never. But then the other part of

881
00:48:09,920 --> 00:48:17,319
Speaker 1: like forever and forever thank you that one. But for me,

882
00:48:17,640 --> 00:48:20,640
Speaker 1: family was not an overall goal. I think as I

883
00:48:20,719 --> 00:48:24,440
Speaker 1: started getting older and older. To me, being a survivor,

884
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:28,719
Speaker 1: I felt this need to uphold others. So to me,

885
00:48:28,760 --> 00:48:32,000
Speaker 1: it's a survivor's guilt, and I felt like I owed

886
00:48:32,040 --> 00:48:35,120
Speaker 1: my life to service and advocating for others, which doesn't

887
00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:38,920
Speaker 1: necessarily mess with this whole religious overtone, this whole household overtone,

888
00:48:39,280 --> 00:48:46,120
Speaker 1: and I felt guilty and not being subservient. I felt

889
00:48:46,160 --> 00:48:49,640
Speaker 1: guilty for being strong and independent. I felt guilty that

890
00:48:50,200 --> 00:48:53,040
Speaker 1: I was parentified at a very young age, so I

891
00:48:53,080 --> 00:48:55,359
Speaker 1: acted like an adult when I was aged seven because

892
00:48:55,400 --> 00:48:58,600
Speaker 1: I was always taking care of myself, and for me,

893
00:49:00,160 --> 00:49:03,520
Speaker 1: growing up into an environment that was the opposite of

894
00:49:04,280 --> 00:49:08,040
Speaker 1: was a shock and I still struggle with it today.

895
00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:11,200
Speaker 1: Like my identity has been shuffled in all kinds of

896
00:49:11,239 --> 00:49:17,120
Speaker 1: ways between my ethnicity, between my family background, between my

897
00:49:17,560 --> 00:49:23,640
Speaker 1: work background. It doesn't always mesh, and I think it's

898
00:49:23,640 --> 00:49:26,360
Speaker 1: hard for me to know that I am the strong

899
00:49:26,480 --> 00:49:29,640
Speaker 1: leader when I'm being told on a constant basis that

900
00:49:30,760 --> 00:49:34,760
Speaker 1: if I'm stronger than a meal, then I'm failing because

901
00:49:34,800 --> 00:49:38,600
Speaker 1: I'm emasculating him. But that's on me as well, which

902
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:41,839
Speaker 1: is a whole other part. It's kind of like, wait, me,

903
00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:45,080
Speaker 1: being a strong person makes you less of a man.

904
00:49:45,120 --> 00:49:51,480
Speaker 1: I don't understand, right, Yeah, And it is worth saying

905
00:49:51,560 --> 00:49:55,880
Speaker 1: here that even though you and I are not on

906
00:49:55,920 --> 00:49:58,799
Speaker 1: our way to the family and the house and all

907
00:49:58,800 --> 00:50:02,200
Speaker 1: that stuff, it's not mutually exclusive to be strong and

908
00:50:02,239 --> 00:50:03,919
Speaker 1: independent and have those things and want of those things.

909
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:07,239
Speaker 1: Absolutely nothing wrong with it, um, But it's I think

910
00:50:07,239 --> 00:50:10,560
Speaker 1: it's just like societally, that's who were appointing that being

911
00:50:11,080 --> 00:50:15,120
Speaker 1: mean for us, specifically when I have a conversation with

912
00:50:15,160 --> 00:50:17,719
Speaker 1: people around my age and the same circumstances that we

913
00:50:17,760 --> 00:50:20,759
Speaker 1: are making less than a certain amount of money, not

914
00:50:20,920 --> 00:50:24,720
Speaker 1: having property on our own, all of these those things,

915
00:50:24,880 --> 00:50:27,880
Speaker 1: we feel like we haven't met the expectations that everybody

916
00:50:27,920 --> 00:50:30,760
Speaker 1: else has set for themselves and or society has said.

917
00:50:31,239 --> 00:50:34,760
Speaker 1: And if you have those, a's fantastic. I've met many

918
00:50:34,800 --> 00:50:37,000
Speaker 1: of people, and I have many friends who are married

919
00:50:37,040 --> 00:50:39,319
Speaker 1: with children, well respect and love, and I think they

920
00:50:39,360 --> 00:50:44,080
Speaker 1: are strong, fearless leaders to like, I don't understand how

921
00:50:44,120 --> 00:50:48,440
Speaker 1: you do this, how you can afford this? Yeah, um.

922
00:50:48,440 --> 00:50:53,280
Speaker 1: And there is something that's I watched My Friends with Kids,

923
00:50:53,400 --> 00:50:55,560
Speaker 1: and something so beautiful about it and the story you

924
00:50:55,600 --> 00:50:59,120
Speaker 1: see like in TV and movies. It is romantic. It

925
00:50:59,280 --> 00:51:02,279
Speaker 1: is the idea that there is this love and it's

926
00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:05,640
Speaker 1: so pure. And I know that it's that that's Hollywood version,

927
00:51:05,680 --> 00:51:09,759
Speaker 1: but I understand, like it's not like I'm watching. I

928
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:13,000
Speaker 1: get it. It's just not me, right, it's not for me.

929
00:51:13,280 --> 00:51:16,560
Speaker 1: Sometimes I wish it was. Well, I think we've come

930
00:51:16,600 --> 00:51:20,120
Speaker 1: to our final question. But first we've come to one

931
00:51:20,120 --> 00:51:26,840
Speaker 1: more quick break for a word from our sponsor, m

932
00:51:31,960 --> 00:51:36,919
Speaker 1: and we're back, Thank you sponsor. Okay, So, Samantha, Yes,

933
00:51:37,120 --> 00:51:43,360
Speaker 1: are we failures? Oh that's a big question. I've often

934
00:51:43,360 --> 00:51:46,600
Speaker 1: talked with people in similar circumstances who feel that due

935
00:51:46,640 --> 00:51:49,000
Speaker 1: to not being able to hit all live points, they

936
00:51:49,000 --> 00:51:51,600
Speaker 1: feel like they have failed. Let's say, couples who don't

937
00:51:51,640 --> 00:51:55,240
Speaker 1: have children, or adults who don't have homes, or couples

938
00:51:55,760 --> 00:52:00,000
Speaker 1: who aren't actually married but together, or for some women

939
00:52:00,040 --> 00:52:02,920
Speaker 1: and who do want children but are not able to

940
00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:07,160
Speaker 1: they feel like they felt. I think we associate failure

941
00:52:07,200 --> 00:52:09,560
Speaker 1: with missing out. A lot of times it's the severe

942
00:52:09,640 --> 00:52:18,160
Speaker 1: case of fomo. I had a friend who married because

943
00:52:18,239 --> 00:52:20,399
Speaker 1: she felt like that's what she was supposed to do,

944
00:52:20,880 --> 00:52:25,440
Speaker 1: literally saying, I remember asking her, so you're in love

945
00:52:25,480 --> 00:52:28,400
Speaker 1: with this guy. How's everything going, she goes. That was

946
00:52:28,440 --> 00:52:31,000
Speaker 1: a response, and I said, wait, wait, wait, do you

947
00:52:31,000 --> 00:52:34,200
Speaker 1: want to marry him? She goes, I guess, and which

948
00:52:34,239 --> 00:52:37,200
Speaker 1: one was like, wait, are you sure? She goes, Well,

949
00:52:37,239 --> 00:52:39,319
Speaker 1: aren't I supposed to? This is what's supposed to happen.

950
00:52:39,360 --> 00:52:41,960
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to get married. And then, of course a

951
00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:46,080
Speaker 1: few years later they are now divorced, never being in

952
00:52:46,160 --> 00:52:49,840
Speaker 1: love myself and not having a relationship again lasting longer

953
00:52:49,880 --> 00:52:53,680
Speaker 1: than nine months. I don't actually know what that looks like,

954
00:52:53,760 --> 00:52:56,920
Speaker 1: so I can't criticize for that, but I know for me,

955
00:52:57,600 --> 00:53:01,439
Speaker 1: I would rather be alone and happy than force into

956
00:53:01,520 --> 00:53:04,280
Speaker 1: a relationship because I felt like I had to. Because

957
00:53:04,719 --> 00:53:10,080
Speaker 1: I'm really good about making myself sad or self anxious

958
00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:13,000
Speaker 1: or phil lonely. I don't need someone else to add

959
00:53:13,040 --> 00:53:16,440
Speaker 1: to that. Yeah. Yeah, I used to have a fear

960
00:53:17,320 --> 00:53:25,160
Speaker 1: of like missing out on my my there you go on,

961
00:53:25,400 --> 00:53:27,600
Speaker 1: like my only chance to get married, and what if

962
00:53:27,640 --> 00:53:29,719
Speaker 1: I never meet the person? And now I have a

963
00:53:29,719 --> 00:53:32,640
Speaker 1: bigger fear of just settling with someone. Yeah, that's actually

964
00:53:32,680 --> 00:53:35,000
Speaker 1: become a thing for me as well. That Okay, do

965
00:53:35,120 --> 00:53:38,439
Speaker 1: I just say to the next guy, you'll do Yeah,

966
00:53:38,480 --> 00:53:40,279
Speaker 1: we'll try to work this out. See how long we

967
00:53:40,320 --> 00:53:45,000
Speaker 1: can go. Yeah, I'm kind of worried I'll get worn down. Um,

968
00:53:45,040 --> 00:53:47,680
Speaker 1: I'm wearing you down? Are we going to get married?

969
00:53:47,680 --> 00:53:49,920
Speaker 1: Is that what this is? If it's easier for me

970
00:53:50,000 --> 00:53:54,160
Speaker 1: to get paid? Yeah? Girl, Okay, that got awkward. Well

971
00:53:54,320 --> 00:53:58,360
Speaker 1: I'm blushing. I know, especially for the women in my life,

972
00:53:58,440 --> 00:54:00,920
Speaker 1: no matter what stage they're in, they all feel like

973
00:54:00,960 --> 00:54:03,120
Speaker 1: they failed. To me. I can look at someone who

974
00:54:03,160 --> 00:54:06,160
Speaker 1: I consider extremely successful and she will tell me she

975
00:54:06,200 --> 00:54:08,440
Speaker 1: feels like a failure. And I think a part of

976
00:54:08,480 --> 00:54:13,440
Speaker 1: that is we place these really high expectations on ourselves

977
00:54:13,760 --> 00:54:16,960
Speaker 1: and are sometimes reminded of those expectations by family members

978
00:54:17,040 --> 00:54:21,600
Speaker 1: during holidays. But that image of success we've been talking about,

979
00:54:21,680 --> 00:54:23,640
Speaker 1: that's not for everybody, and in fact, it leaves a

980
00:54:23,719 --> 00:54:26,600
Speaker 1: lot of people out. So I guess for me, I

981
00:54:26,640 --> 00:54:31,120
Speaker 1: don't necessarily consider myself a failure, even if I feel

982
00:54:31,120 --> 00:54:35,520
Speaker 1: like one sometimes. But I do think that society considers me,

983
00:54:35,560 --> 00:54:38,480
Speaker 1: if not a failure, then incomplete, Like they look at

984
00:54:38,480 --> 00:54:43,360
Speaker 1: me a sword. Yeah what is this woman doing alone

985
00:54:43,440 --> 00:54:46,840
Speaker 1: at this food event? Um? I have gotten my family

986
00:54:46,880 --> 00:54:50,440
Speaker 1: to sort of accept it. Annie is going to be Annie. Um,

987
00:54:50,719 --> 00:54:53,840
Speaker 1: they wish I would settle down, but they have stopped

988
00:54:53,960 --> 00:54:56,520
Speaker 1: telling me that I will take it, and they don't

989
00:54:56,560 --> 00:55:00,520
Speaker 1: consider me a failure. I know that, um, but they

990
00:55:00,560 --> 00:55:03,520
Speaker 1: do want me to want the things they want for me.

991
00:55:03,600 --> 00:55:05,200
Speaker 1: You know, I could say the same for my family

992
00:55:05,280 --> 00:55:08,080
Speaker 1: at this point. Like I said, my siblings have all

993
00:55:08,120 --> 00:55:10,480
Speaker 1: been divorced and gone through some horrendous things. So my

994
00:55:10,560 --> 00:55:14,360
Speaker 1: mother has backed off greatly and trying to get me

995
00:55:14,360 --> 00:55:16,920
Speaker 1: to marry someone, just to marry someone. There is some

996
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:19,480
Speaker 1: mentions from my father about wanting to have brown children,

997
00:55:19,800 --> 00:55:22,200
Speaker 1: which is super fun and awkward as it is. But

998
00:55:22,520 --> 00:55:25,960
Speaker 1: outside of that, they've realized I'm fairly content and of

999
00:55:26,040 --> 00:55:30,600
Speaker 1: all of the children, I'm pretty stable. So they've started

1000
00:55:30,600 --> 00:55:34,000
Speaker 1: to leave me alone more and more. I have noticed

1001
00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:37,840
Speaker 1: though that Christmas times, I'm getting less presents, but my

1002
00:55:37,960 --> 00:55:40,359
Speaker 1: dog is getting all the present. I did see proof

1003
00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:43,560
Speaker 1: of this. Yeah, like this this year, I looked around.

1004
00:55:43,680 --> 00:55:46,440
Speaker 1: There's this giant presence. I'm getting really excited. Maybe I'm

1005
00:55:46,440 --> 00:55:49,399
Speaker 1: getting a nice jacket. No, no, no, no, they were

1006
00:55:49,440 --> 00:55:53,440
Speaker 1: for my dog. Yeah, Peaches really made out. Peaches is

1007
00:55:53,880 --> 00:55:56,600
Speaker 1: the grandkid. Yeah. I think they're like, we're giving up

1008
00:55:56,600 --> 00:55:58,600
Speaker 1: on the fact that you're having a spouse or a child,

1009
00:55:58,640 --> 00:56:00,320
Speaker 1: so we're going to give all of our effect into

1010
00:56:00,320 --> 00:56:03,600
Speaker 1: your dog. You just go to mcfuzzin. Yeah, that's my

1011
00:56:03,600 --> 00:56:06,520
Speaker 1: dog's name. Over the recent New Year's you and I

1012
00:56:06,800 --> 00:56:11,480
Speaker 1: plodded ways to stay indoors on New Year's glorious actually

1013
00:56:11,600 --> 00:56:14,520
Speaker 1: was for me. I love a good party, but New

1014
00:56:14,600 --> 00:56:19,080
Speaker 1: Year's parties, mine in particular, are notoriously awful. I do

1015
00:56:19,239 --> 00:56:21,240
Speaker 1: love looking back at the pictures of like the beginning

1016
00:56:21,280 --> 00:56:23,279
Speaker 1: of the night and thinking, oh, you poor thing. You

1017
00:56:23,320 --> 00:56:26,560
Speaker 1: don't know what's coming for you. Later. Um so I was.

1018
00:56:26,640 --> 00:56:29,280
Speaker 1: I was invited to a couple but it was raining

1019
00:56:29,320 --> 00:56:31,560
Speaker 1: and I really just wanted to go home. So I

1020
00:56:31,600 --> 00:56:35,600
Speaker 1: stayed in and ordered mac and cheese twice after already

1021
00:56:35,600 --> 00:56:38,919
Speaker 1: eating some at a restaurant mirror hours earlier. I was there.

1022
00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:41,640
Speaker 1: You ate all of that. It was very proud of you.

1023
00:56:41,800 --> 00:56:44,000
Speaker 1: You came in going I just want mac and cheese,

1024
00:56:44,080 --> 00:56:46,120
Speaker 1: and I said, we can make this happen, and you

1025
00:56:46,160 --> 00:56:49,160
Speaker 1: sure did. Oh I did. I I do apologize if

1026
00:56:49,200 --> 00:56:51,360
Speaker 1: you happen to be a listening nice delivery people, I

1027
00:56:51,360 --> 00:56:54,759
Speaker 1: am so sorry that I made you work on New Year's.

1028
00:56:54,800 --> 00:56:58,799
Speaker 1: But I was very, very intoxicated. I don't really want

1029
00:56:58,840 --> 00:57:01,520
Speaker 1: on mac and cheese. I did, and the first container

1030
00:57:01,600 --> 00:57:03,799
Speaker 1: was very small, so I knew immediately that I was

1031
00:57:03,800 --> 00:57:07,640
Speaker 1: going to have to get more um. And I watched

1032
00:57:07,800 --> 00:57:10,120
Speaker 1: Harry Potter while dressed as Spider Man and reading a

1033
00:57:10,160 --> 00:57:13,840
Speaker 1: Harry Potter fan fiction, which I some of you probably

1034
00:57:13,840 --> 00:57:16,360
Speaker 1: saw the video, and I did that for you. We

1035
00:57:16,400 --> 00:57:19,040
Speaker 1: made a promise to each other that we went at

1036
00:57:19,120 --> 00:57:24,000
Speaker 1: midnight take a sector and with serious thing. And I

1037
00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:26,360
Speaker 1: knew immediately because we were talking about how you would

1038
00:57:26,400 --> 00:57:28,400
Speaker 1: never dress up, and I was like, Oh, I've got

1039
00:57:28,400 --> 00:57:31,640
Speaker 1: all this stuff, don't you worry. That's what I was like, Oh, wait,

1040
00:57:32,400 --> 00:57:34,360
Speaker 1: you're texting all your best days. Am I one of

1041
00:57:34,400 --> 00:57:38,320
Speaker 1: the best days? Yeah, I planned his work. You're gonna

1042
00:57:38,360 --> 00:57:40,439
Speaker 1: be my best friend. That one didn't even make sense.

1043
00:57:40,680 --> 00:57:42,320
Speaker 1: I was, yeah, I was texting all of my best

1044
00:57:42,320 --> 00:57:45,400
Speaker 1: friends while watching Harry Potter. So we started watching them

1045
00:57:45,400 --> 00:57:46,960
Speaker 1: at the same time. And then what else were you

1046
00:57:47,000 --> 00:57:49,480
Speaker 1: doing at the same time? I was reading that fan

1047
00:57:49,560 --> 00:57:52,440
Speaker 1: fiction you had written. I had written and I discovered

1048
00:57:52,440 --> 00:57:54,840
Speaker 1: on my old laptop, and I am embarrassed to say,

1049
00:57:54,880 --> 00:57:58,040
Speaker 1: but it bought me to tears. My own nerniction you

1050
00:57:58,080 --> 00:58:00,600
Speaker 1: were texting me how about how trash it was? It

1051
00:58:00,680 --> 00:58:03,640
Speaker 1: was like, why Harry, Why? Why did I put him

1052
00:58:03,640 --> 00:58:06,960
Speaker 1: through that? Well, I also was watching Harry Potter that

1053
00:58:07,040 --> 00:58:08,840
Speaker 1: was This is kind of a tradition for me during

1054
00:58:08,840 --> 00:58:11,800
Speaker 1: the holidays to watch all the Harry Potter and some

1055
00:58:11,880 --> 00:58:15,560
Speaker 1: other really bad Christmas movies while you were sleeping watch that.

1056
00:58:16,000 --> 00:58:18,840
Speaker 1: But this time it was Harry Potter. And because we

1057
00:58:18,840 --> 00:58:20,640
Speaker 1: had said we were going to send the pictures, I

1058
00:58:20,680 --> 00:58:24,160
Speaker 1: put on my Panda onesie and I took that picture.

1059
00:58:24,440 --> 00:58:26,600
Speaker 1: And then I also had a picture of me kissing

1060
00:58:26,600 --> 00:58:31,520
Speaker 1: my dog because I'm lonely. But he started the New

1061
00:58:32,040 --> 00:58:35,439
Speaker 1: New Year off. But she was rolling her eyes at

1062
00:58:35,480 --> 00:58:38,120
Speaker 1: me in the picture, and we talked about how my

1063
00:58:38,160 --> 00:58:42,240
Speaker 1: dog is so judgmental. I mean, I know I've mentioned

1064
00:58:42,240 --> 00:58:44,960
Speaker 1: this a few times, but y'all, m I talked the

1065
00:58:45,000 --> 00:58:49,360
Speaker 1: worst and the best. Yeah, she's both in one package.

1066
00:58:50,080 --> 00:58:53,840
Speaker 1: So we we tell that story to show. I think

1067
00:58:53,880 --> 00:58:57,960
Speaker 1: maybe we're succeeded. I think that was a completely successful year.

1068
00:58:58,200 --> 00:59:01,080
Speaker 1: I did not fall I did not have a huge hangover.

1069
00:59:01,520 --> 00:59:03,640
Speaker 1: I did not do something dumb, and I didn't have

1070
00:59:03,880 --> 00:59:07,040
Speaker 1: do anything that anybody can blackmail me with. Yeah, I mean,

1071
00:59:07,480 --> 00:59:10,320
Speaker 1: my Spider Man video lives on, but I don't care.

1072
00:59:11,320 --> 00:59:14,440
Speaker 1: It was you. It was very me. I Actually you

1073
00:59:14,440 --> 00:59:15,840
Speaker 1: couldn't see it in the picture, but I was wearing

1074
00:59:15,880 --> 00:59:19,800
Speaker 1: a griffin door tie. I saw it. I noticed it. Okay,

1075
00:59:20,120 --> 00:59:23,400
Speaker 1: Oh man, I just like totally. That was a real reaction.

1076
00:59:24,120 --> 00:59:27,000
Speaker 1: All right, Well, listeners, you now know a lot more

1077
00:59:27,000 --> 00:59:31,240
Speaker 1: about it than you possibly ever wanted. But you're welcome. Yeah,

1078
00:59:31,880 --> 00:59:34,800
Speaker 1: thank you so much for joining us. Samantha, as I

1079
00:59:34,840 --> 00:59:39,680
Speaker 1: said before, I'm not leaving. I live here now, y'all. Okay, Well,

1080
00:59:39,720 --> 00:59:42,200
Speaker 1: if I if I start noticing weird things, I'll know

1081
00:59:42,320 --> 00:59:44,640
Speaker 1: it's not a ghost. It's just Samantha. I'm a ghost.

1082
00:59:44,840 --> 00:59:48,120
Speaker 1: But I'll let the rumor spread. I won't actually grudge

1083
00:59:48,120 --> 00:59:53,680
Speaker 1: ghosts in the background. Yes, it's me. Oh, very good,

1084
00:59:53,440 --> 00:59:57,320
Speaker 1: that was very good. One thing before we close out,

1085
00:59:57,560 --> 00:59:59,240
Speaker 1: as I said at the top, one of our goals

1086
00:59:59,280 --> 01:00:01,040
Speaker 1: is to be really eight with all of you about

1087
01:00:01,080 --> 01:00:03,400
Speaker 1: what we're doing to deal with these things, or maybe

1088
01:00:03,440 --> 01:00:05,920
Speaker 1: how we're not handling things very well. Um, because I

1089
01:00:05,960 --> 01:00:08,360
Speaker 1: remember when I was younger seeing people and wondering how

1090
01:00:08,400 --> 01:00:12,120
Speaker 1: in the world they were handling themselves so well, And

1091
01:00:12,160 --> 01:00:15,160
Speaker 1: in my eyes, they were such a success, and it

1092
01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:18,080
Speaker 1: really hindered my healing, and that was on me. I

1093
01:00:18,120 --> 01:00:21,920
Speaker 1: was comparing myself to people. That's always dangerous, um, and

1094
01:00:21,960 --> 01:00:23,920
Speaker 1: this was just another way that I thought I was failing.

1095
01:00:24,520 --> 01:00:27,040
Speaker 1: But Samantha and I are practicing self care. We're keeping

1096
01:00:27,040 --> 01:00:30,760
Speaker 1: an eye out for each other. Um, We're keeping our

1097
01:00:30,840 --> 01:00:37,240
Speaker 1: producer in the loops. Um. And uh, just remember you

1098
01:00:37,360 --> 01:00:41,240
Speaker 1: rarely ever see people in their darkest moments. I mean you,

1099
01:00:41,240 --> 01:00:43,040
Speaker 1: you barely even see them in their dark moments are

1100
01:00:43,040 --> 01:00:46,120
Speaker 1: their boring moments, so they're just like not okay moments. Um.

1101
01:00:46,200 --> 01:00:48,520
Speaker 1: So please please please take care of yourselves and know

1102
01:00:48,600 --> 01:00:51,000
Speaker 1: that we are doing the same. At the end of

1103
01:00:51,000 --> 01:00:52,960
Speaker 1: these episodes, we're going to do a check in and

1104
01:00:53,000 --> 01:00:55,880
Speaker 1: share what we're doing to take care of ourselves and

1105
01:00:56,040 --> 01:00:59,360
Speaker 1: each other. As a social worker, one of my biggest

1106
01:00:59,360 --> 01:01:02,439
Speaker 1: position is to make sure you have resources that hand

1107
01:01:02,440 --> 01:01:04,440
Speaker 1: to be able to care for yourself. And if you

1108
01:01:04,480 --> 01:01:07,520
Speaker 1: need to help in finding these resources, please let us know.

1109
01:01:07,760 --> 01:01:09,600
Speaker 1: We want to make sure you have access to whatever

1110
01:01:09,720 --> 01:01:12,520
Speaker 1: you are you need are you able to handle to

1111
01:01:12,520 --> 01:01:17,040
Speaker 1: move forward in the healing? For me, I told any

1112
01:01:17,080 --> 01:01:18,800
Speaker 1: at the very beginning, and I think I told you

1113
01:01:18,840 --> 01:01:21,800
Speaker 1: that's like three different times. I want to make sure

1114
01:01:21,880 --> 01:01:24,920
Speaker 1: you're okay. I want to make sure that this is

1115
01:01:24,920 --> 01:01:29,560
Speaker 1: not costing you your emotions, your heart, your your physical

1116
01:01:29,640 --> 01:01:34,080
Speaker 1: and mental health, because you should not sacrifice yourself for

1117
01:01:34,160 --> 01:01:36,200
Speaker 1: the sake of a for the sake of just doing

1118
01:01:36,200 --> 01:01:39,000
Speaker 1: a story, because this is more than that. We want

1119
01:01:39,000 --> 01:01:41,200
Speaker 1: to be vulnerable. We want to make sure people understand

1120
01:01:41,200 --> 01:01:44,400
Speaker 1: what's happening, and we are trying to open up to

1121
01:01:44,440 --> 01:01:47,600
Speaker 1: make sure you see this perspective and what it looks

1122
01:01:47,680 --> 01:01:51,960
Speaker 1: like to walk in these hard times. But at the

1123
01:01:52,040 --> 01:01:54,080
Speaker 1: same time, you need to know your limits, which we

1124
01:01:54,120 --> 01:01:56,160
Speaker 1: said at the very beginning, and you need to be

1125
01:01:56,200 --> 01:01:58,800
Speaker 1: able to take a break, and you have that control

1126
01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:01,920
Speaker 1: and you need to take on that control. Shoot. One

1127
01:02:01,960 --> 01:02:03,520
Speaker 1: of the things that I do to take care of

1128
01:02:03,600 --> 01:02:06,800
Speaker 1: myself at the end of every day is watch ridiculous sitcoms,

1129
01:02:06,960 --> 01:02:09,120
Speaker 1: Box and reg Is my Faith, I'm not gonna lie,

1130
01:02:09,280 --> 01:02:11,760
Speaker 1: And then also watch a lot of dog videos. So

1131
01:02:12,560 --> 01:02:14,400
Speaker 1: just to put this out there, if you need really

1132
01:02:14,480 --> 01:02:18,000
Speaker 1: cute dog pictures, my dog the drug Peaches Gocha. Mcfuszin

1133
01:02:18,080 --> 01:02:20,760
Speaker 1: has some really great pictures. I will be glad for that.

1134
01:02:20,800 --> 01:02:23,800
Speaker 1: To anyone. She absolutely will that it's not a bluff.

1135
01:02:24,520 --> 01:02:27,280
Speaker 1: I love the dog pictures. Please reach out to us

1136
01:02:27,760 --> 01:02:30,240
Speaker 1: if you want any of those resources. Need any of

1137
01:02:30,240 --> 01:02:34,280
Speaker 1: those resources, will be happy to put you in touch. UM.

1138
01:02:34,320 --> 01:02:37,680
Speaker 1: In the meantime, you can email us at mom Stuff

1139
01:02:37,680 --> 01:02:39,240
Speaker 1: at house to folks dot com, and you can find

1140
01:02:39,320 --> 01:02:42,240
Speaker 1: us on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast and on Instagram

1141
01:02:42,240 --> 01:02:45,000
Speaker 1: at Stuff I've Never Told you. Thank you again, Samantha

1142
01:02:45,160 --> 01:02:47,440
Speaker 1: for being with us on this journey. Thank you so

1143
01:02:47,520 --> 01:02:50,320
Speaker 1: much for letting me be part of this. I'm never leaving.

1144
01:02:51,280 --> 01:02:54,560
Speaker 1: I'm starting to get that thought. UM. Thanks as always

1145
01:02:54,600 --> 01:02:57,040
Speaker 1: to a producer Andrew Howard, and thanks to you for

1146
01:02:57,120 --> 01:03:04,440
Speaker 1: listening to pas go to pay for Me