WEBVTT - Call It Short & Sweet: It'll Be Our Little Secret

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<v Speaker 1>Call It what It Is with Jessica Capshaw and Camille Luddington,

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<v Speaker 1>an iHeartRadio podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>Hello, Hello, Hello.

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<v Speaker 3>Hello, Call It Crew, and welcome to another episode of

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<v Speaker 3>Short and Sweet, Sweet.

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<v Speaker 2>Sweet and dives straight into Oh my gosh.

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<v Speaker 1>You all are the gift that keeps on giving. This

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<v Speaker 1>one's all about you. I dedicate this episode to you.

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<v Speaker 3>And by you, she means they call it cruse the

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<v Speaker 3>Call It crew. Because this episode is titled what Jessica,

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<v Speaker 3>Just do It. I'm gonna say it.

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<v Speaker 1>You need to know about this episode is that there's

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<v Speaker 1>not one of these submissions that isn't anonymous.

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<v Speaker 3>I know, I know, and that's amazing.

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<v Speaker 1>And that's why you're and this episode is about keeping

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<v Speaker 1>my dirty little secrets.

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<v Speaker 3>I'll keep you my dirty little secret. Okay, they're all anonymous, yep.

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<v Speaker 1>Because and it's that time of the year where you

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<v Speaker 1>can just you know, unburden yourself. You can just you know,

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<v Speaker 1>unload the secrets or confessions. And we asked you to

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<v Speaker 1>and you did not disappoint. I think the best way

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<v Speaker 1>to do this is just to jump right in. There's

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<v Speaker 1>no buffer needed.

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<v Speaker 3>We're just going no.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm starting off with the first one. Are you ready. Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>In college, I found out my boyfriend was cheating, so

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<v Speaker 1>I collected a box of valuable things from his house,

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<v Speaker 1>an xbox, his huge glass, long gold necklace, and video games,

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<v Speaker 1>and I took them to Goodwill and dumped him after.

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<v Speaker 2>He still has no idea to this day.

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<v Speaker 3>I think that might be illegal.

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<v Speaker 2>It's also called karma. Okay, that's what I have to

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<v Speaker 2>say about the next one.

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<v Speaker 3>My senior year of college, I was so hungover from

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<v Speaker 3>a night out early the next morning I could make

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<v Speaker 3>it to the bathroom to vomit. So I threw up

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<v Speaker 3>in a huge planter in our dorm and it's stunk

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<v Speaker 3>for days and I've never told a soul. I still

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<v Speaker 3>think about it and I want to die. That's so gross.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's really gross.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh and though honestly better in there than other places.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah on, like carpet where you really couldn't.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 2>No, it's just gross. But there's remorse, and that's.

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<v Speaker 3>Why we're here. Hold on, We forget.

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<v Speaker 2>A small part of you that was making good decisions.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh my god. The next one, Oh what you know what?

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<v Speaker 2>This happens more than I think we think.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh yeah, go read it so that they understand.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, all right, I slept with my fifty year old

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<v Speaker 1>female teacher and I was nineteen at the time.

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<v Speaker 3>That's a problem.

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<v Speaker 2>Who Yeah, but it's not illegal.

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<v Speaker 3>It's not illegal.

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<v Speaker 2>But so it's not like a crime. It's just a crime.

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<v Speaker 3>It's just mess and position of power. I mean we could,

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<v Speaker 3>we could deep down.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah yeah, yeah, no judgment. But wow, that's the secret.

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<v Speaker 2>You're going to keep that one secret.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah. I killed my sister's fish while taking care of

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<v Speaker 3>them when she was on a trip. I overfed them

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<v Speaker 3>and then lied about it when she came home. I

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<v Speaker 3>this is interesting to me because I heard the rumor

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<v Speaker 3>that like fish will just eat eat, and then there's

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<v Speaker 3>the myth or maybe fact is that their stomachs explode.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh they can't stop eating. However, my kids, I, you know,

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<v Speaker 3>it's like we'll feed the fish, and Lucas like I

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<v Speaker 3>want to feed the fish. It's like, okay, just a

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<v Speaker 3>little pinch and it's like, you know, a fistful goes in.

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<v Speaker 3>My fish are fine. So like I'm confused, like what

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<v Speaker 3>do you what did you give them a stake? Like

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<v Speaker 3>I want to know if that's true.

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<v Speaker 2>Hmm.

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<v Speaker 3>Anyway, they're dead and nobody knows about it. They're gone.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay.

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<v Speaker 1>I call out sick to work every so often and

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<v Speaker 1>don't tell my husband. So I gonna have dated myself

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<v Speaker 1>at the house.

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<v Speaker 3>That's great, that's a good one. Good for you. That shouldn't.

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<v Speaker 3>That doesn't even need to be anonymous. You should be

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<v Speaker 3>proud of that. I would have put my name on that, Okay, couldn't.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm in year what? Yes, I'm in year thirteen and

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<v Speaker 3>I hooked up with my biology teacher on a night

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<v Speaker 3>out recently.

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<v Speaker 2>What is year thirteen? It's not like you're like a

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<v Speaker 2>year past being a senior.

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<v Speaker 3>I think you're still in high school. I think this

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<v Speaker 3>is England is year thirteen? I got a check on this.

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<v Speaker 3>Hang on, now, I'm gonna do a.

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<v Speaker 2>I wonder where they ran into their biology teacher on

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<v Speaker 2>a night out.

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<v Speaker 3>That's what I was thinking. Huh And does an arrest

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<v Speaker 3>need to be made? Questions?

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<v Speaker 2>So I don't know, Okay, okay.

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<v Speaker 1>I lied to my best friend once about something major

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<v Speaker 1>and it ended with her trying to fight a person

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<v Speaker 1>that had nothing to do with it.

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<v Speaker 3>That would be hor had to stand by. I would

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<v Speaker 3>feel deep, deep, deep guilt about that one. Sorry, well,

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<v Speaker 3>see you're anonymous. So oh yeah, tricky tricky to My

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<v Speaker 3>mom's best friend had a three year affair with my uncle.

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<v Speaker 3>It continued even when my aunt got pregnant. I caught

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<v Speaker 3>them once, but haven't said anything.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, you know what.

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<v Speaker 3>I know that these are supposed to be salacious and

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<v Speaker 3>I I'm on board with it being, you know, naughty,

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<v Speaker 3>but this.

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<v Speaker 2>Is really this isn't making me sad.

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<v Speaker 3>Moment I do.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I mean.

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<v Speaker 3>That was not good.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, although I have to say, I do have to

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<v Speaker 2>say it.

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<v Speaker 1>Never behooves you to be the one that tells anyone, right,

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<v Speaker 1>it's the message killed the messenger.

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<v Speaker 2>It's not like you're going to do anything good.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm gonna tell you what. That's true.

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<v Speaker 2>I know that's true because they.

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<v Speaker 3>Happens, they stay together, but they never want to see

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<v Speaker 3>you again because you were the one that said it.

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<v Speaker 3>Maybe it's an anonymous letter.

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<v Speaker 2>Of like I've thought about that.

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<v Speaker 3>Sally's having a little.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I wanted to uncle Bob. Yeah, yeah, I wanted

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<v Speaker 2>to do that.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I think it's an I think it's anonymous letter time.

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<v Speaker 2>Yep, yep, okay, uh, this is you Okay.

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<v Speaker 1>A close friend of mine befriended this wretched girl, and

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<v Speaker 1>they threw a huge New Year's Eve party at a

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<v Speaker 1>hotel and I wasn't invited. So I called the police

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<v Speaker 1>and tattled on them, and the party ended and they

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<v Speaker 1>had to pay a fine. I'm weirdly okay with that one.

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<v Speaker 3>We support that absolve you of this crime.

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<v Speaker 2>Now we support that one.

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<v Speaker 3>Okay. The son of our CEO was forced on me

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<v Speaker 3>to be an intern on my team. I came back

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<v Speaker 3>from a meeting to him watching porn at his cubicle.

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<v Speaker 3>I was so shocked. I just never said a word

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<v Speaker 3>because it was so awkward. Ooh, I would have said

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<v Speaker 3>a word about that, and.

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<v Speaker 1>You would have hell, yeah, But it would have had

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<v Speaker 1>to be an anonymous letter. You're not marching into your

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<v Speaker 1>CEO and saying, hey, your nephew Bob.

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<v Speaker 3>You know't call it HR. You would have said, yeah,

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<v Speaker 3>I would have checked on Bob. Bob's been, Bob's at

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<v Speaker 3>the cubicle. Cubicle four, check on him right now, right now,

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<v Speaker 3>look at that search history. Okay.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm a nurse and while working on the I'm a

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<v Speaker 1>nurse and while working in the ICU, I had gas and.

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<v Speaker 3>Did you know that I was gonna have to be

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<v Speaker 3>this one because.

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<v Speaker 1>It's my kryptonite and I can't talk about it without laughing.

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<v Speaker 3>On ut. This one was meant for you.

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<v Speaker 2>Thank Yeah, just do it, okay.

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<v Speaker 3>Wow.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm a nurse and while working in the ICU, I

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<v Speaker 1>had gas and blamed my farts on the intubated pation.

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<v Speaker 3>That is funny and terrible all the same time.

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<v Speaker 1>Also, there's something so radically with like someone laying there

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<v Speaker 1>intimated but the farts just going out.

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<v Speaker 3>Yet, Oh my god, talking.

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<v Speaker 1>About someone who is intimating, because I want to know

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<v Speaker 1>if they're okay now okay.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh my god, yes, imagine if they die, You've like

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<v Speaker 3>spread around about them not laughing, my god to call

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<v Speaker 3>it crew are just they're in fine form today? Oh lord.

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<v Speaker 3>I slept with my boss, befriended his wife, and tutored

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<v Speaker 3>his daughter. Not my finest moment. I love the how

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<v Speaker 3>it's considered just a moment.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's a serious of moments.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, Anonymous, I can say this pretty.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm not changing, however, does No, I'm not judging.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm calling it what it is.

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<v Speaker 3>What is it? A little hand? The marks of cradle?

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<v Speaker 2>It's not good.

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<v Speaker 3>Do you don't it's not great. It's not a great.

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<v Speaker 2>Look. No, it's not.

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<v Speaker 1>She I don't know if I why, I don't know why.

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<v Speaker 1>I think it's whatever. I know this is not your

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<v Speaker 1>finest moment. Glad you noticed.

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<v Speaker 3>No, no, I mean you're not putting that on your resume,

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<v Speaker 3>are you? No? No?

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<v Speaker 2>No, no, Okay.

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<v Speaker 1>In COVID, when we all had to work from home,

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<v Speaker 1>I was one of those people who made a fake

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<v Speaker 1>background photo of my home office and took my meetings

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<v Speaker 1>even though I wasn't in the country. We had a

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<v Speaker 1>strict must be home policy. And I said that I

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<v Speaker 1>never got caught.

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<v Speaker 3>That's so smart.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, naughty. She's like, oh my god, that beaches of

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<v Speaker 2>Costa Rica.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I think that's amazing. I love it. Okay, this

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<v Speaker 3>is fine. I'm okay with this next one. Actually, I

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<v Speaker 3>licked all the powdered sugar off a box of donuts

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<v Speaker 3>and put them back in the box and watched my

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<v Speaker 3>brothers eat them all. Fine with it, support it, Okay,

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<v Speaker 3>that's what you get for beingdon brother. It is gross, though,

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<v Speaker 3>it's gross.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you remember a long time ago, wasn't there something

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<v Speaker 1>around Ariana Grande licking donuts?

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<v Speaker 2>Right? She got in trouble for that. It was on camera.

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<v Speaker 3>She but she went into a.

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<v Speaker 2>Dunkin Donuts or something and she licked some donuts. She

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<v Speaker 2>was she was anonymous.

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<v Speaker 3>Then you know what, she's not doing that on the

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<v Speaker 3>Wicked Tour.

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<v Speaker 2>No, she is not doing that.

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<v Speaker 1>No, oh man, No, she's really funny. By the way,

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<v Speaker 1>on SNL she's been like hosting and she's really funny.

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<v Speaker 2>And she doesn't your favorite. She does Jennifer Coolidge. She

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<v Speaker 2>has an impression.

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<v Speaker 3>Person's great impression. It's amazed.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 3>No, she's very funny.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, this was years ago, but it's still a secret

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<v Speaker 1>between my friends and I to this day. My mom

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<v Speaker 1>and dad got divorced when I was sixteen, and just

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<v Speaker 1>a few months after the divorce, my younger sister told

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<v Speaker 1>me she had suspicions that my dad was cheating on

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<v Speaker 1>his new girlfriend, who had just moved in with him

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<v Speaker 1>after one month of dating. Our single family friend mentioned

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<v Speaker 1>she saw my dad on a dating app. So, being

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<v Speaker 1>the board seventeen year olds, we were my friend and

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<v Speaker 1>I put her on art detective hats and made a

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<v Speaker 1>fake dating profile. No surprise here, but we found him

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<v Speaker 1>with an hour of searching, and he messaged our account

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<v Speaker 1>within twenty minutes and asked to go on a date

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<v Speaker 1>and for our number. We made sure to ask if

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<v Speaker 1>he was in a relationship and he said no, I'm single.

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<v Speaker 3>I need to know more. Where did this go? Do

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<v Speaker 3>you tell Daddy Dues that you've been on the app

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<v Speaker 3>and you trapped him?

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 3>Woow? I mean who is to be trusted? I mean,

0:11:32.080 --> 0:11:33.600
<v Speaker 3>I don't know. I can't see my sister and I

0:11:33.679 --> 0:11:38.040
<v Speaker 3>doing something like this. I support this one. I mean

0:11:38.040 --> 0:11:44.480
<v Speaker 3>I think it's dark humor, but it's humor. This is

0:11:44.480 --> 0:11:47.480
<v Speaker 3>why I love the crew, because they're just willing to

0:11:47.559 --> 0:11:49.560
<v Speaker 3>tell us even if it's, like, you know what, this

0:11:49.640 --> 0:11:53.880
<v Speaker 3>makes me kind of look crazy, and they still, yeah,

0:11:54.000 --> 0:11:56.640
<v Speaker 3>they give it. They give us the goods. Okay. When

0:11:56.800 --> 0:12:00.000
<v Speaker 3>I first got married to my now husband, happy birthday

0:12:00.080 --> 0:12:02.880
<v Speaker 3>card arrived at the house from his ex girlfriend. I

0:12:02.920 --> 0:12:05.560
<v Speaker 3>threw it in the trash and never told him. I

0:12:05.559 --> 0:12:08.480
<v Speaker 3>am fam with that. I finally except I think it

0:12:08.559 --> 0:12:09.240
<v Speaker 3>might be illegal?

0:12:09.960 --> 0:12:11.160
<v Speaker 2>Yeah right, whatever?

0:12:11.280 --> 0:12:15.800
<v Speaker 3>The mail open someone else's mail? Ye, So how does

0:12:15.840 --> 0:12:18.360
<v Speaker 3>she know it's from my girlfriend ex girlfriend? Well, there's

0:12:18.360 --> 0:12:21.480
<v Speaker 3>a return to address, no returning address. You put your

0:12:21.559 --> 0:12:25.679
<v Speaker 3>name and return address on things yeah, that's okay. If

0:12:25.679 --> 0:12:28.560
<v Speaker 3>it gets accidentally, you know, a little coffee spilled on it,

0:12:28.600 --> 0:12:32.080
<v Speaker 3>and then you throw it away set fire to could

0:12:32.120 --> 0:12:33.120
<v Speaker 3>be illegal. Tho, I'll look it up.

0:12:36.840 --> 0:12:37.240
<v Speaker 2>All right.

0:12:37.720 --> 0:12:39.439
<v Speaker 3>You know how if you shop at Nordstrom his rack,

0:12:39.480 --> 0:12:42.320
<v Speaker 3>you can accumulate points and discounts. I still use my

0:12:42.400 --> 0:12:44.800
<v Speaker 3>ex's number email and whenever I go, I take his

0:12:44.880 --> 0:12:47.320
<v Speaker 3>ten to twenty dollars discount based off his purchases and

0:12:47.400 --> 0:12:48.280
<v Speaker 3>use them for myself.

0:12:48.800 --> 0:12:50.320
<v Speaker 2>Smart smart person.

0:12:51.120 --> 0:12:51.520
<v Speaker 3>Wow.

0:12:53.280 --> 0:12:56.840
<v Speaker 1>Okay, So whether that was naughty or nice, it's a

0:12:56.920 --> 0:12:57.439
<v Speaker 1>lot of not.

0:12:57.679 --> 0:13:00.199
<v Speaker 3>There's a lot Listen, we're learning to call it crew.

0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:02.839
<v Speaker 3>There's a lot of people on Santa's Naughty List this year.

0:13:03.200 --> 0:13:06.640
<v Speaker 3>I know it's okay, we've all been, but hopefully this

0:13:06.679 --> 0:13:09.640
<v Speaker 3>has unburdened you and and our calling out what it

0:13:09.679 --> 0:13:15.640
<v Speaker 3>is has made you hope for a brighter, less criminal future.

0:13:18.840 --> 0:13:20.640
<v Speaker 2>And we're we're happy to be a part of that

0:13:20.679 --> 0:13:28.240
<v Speaker 2>process for you. So that's really I got for you, and.

0:13:28.520 --> 0:13:32.280
<v Speaker 3>I with you. It cracks me use with you, it

0:13:32.559 --> 0:13:36.200
<v Speaker 3>cracks me up. It's okay, we're all on the naughty List.

0:13:37.040 --> 0:13:40.840
<v Speaker 3>We're all gonnah gosh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, And uh

0:13:40.880 --> 0:13:43.640
<v Speaker 3>but I think that we keep saying this. I think

0:13:43.640 --> 0:13:47.240
<v Speaker 3>we need to hear more. Yeah, I mean it's a gift.

0:13:47.880 --> 0:13:48.600
<v Speaker 3>I keep saying this.

0:13:48.760 --> 0:13:50.160
<v Speaker 2>It really is the gift that keeps on giving.

0:13:50.280 --> 0:13:53.200
<v Speaker 3>For New Years, we need people to unburden themselves more.

0:13:53.400 --> 0:13:57.120
<v Speaker 3>I think right before this, yes, New Year's resolution.

0:13:57.640 --> 0:14:00.360
<v Speaker 1>Sometimes I get great pleasure in because it and these

0:14:00.360 --> 0:14:03.560
<v Speaker 1>were all anonymous. I get great pleasure in imagining. I

0:14:03.559 --> 0:14:07.520
<v Speaker 1>have an active imagination people who listen to this podcast,

0:14:07.600 --> 0:14:10.080
<v Speaker 1>like on a run or you know, sitting by the

0:14:10.120 --> 0:14:14.000
<v Speaker 1>ocean or on their commute to work or whatever, all

0:14:14.040 --> 0:14:17.560
<v Speaker 1>of a sudden hearing us read their submission.

0:14:17.360 --> 0:14:24.480
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, being like, yeah, yeah, it's me, it's happening.

0:14:24.600 --> 0:14:25.160
<v Speaker 2>I used to do that.

0:14:25.200 --> 0:14:26.640
<v Speaker 1>I used to actually, I used to call it a

0:14:26.680 --> 0:14:31.760
<v Speaker 1>kiss FM in Los Angeles where Ryan Seacrest lives, and

0:14:32.280 --> 0:14:33.720
<v Speaker 1>I would I would just hope to be have my

0:14:33.800 --> 0:14:36.200
<v Speaker 1>voice on the radio. Really Yeah, you'd have a call

0:14:36.280 --> 0:14:38.680
<v Speaker 1>in or you would like, yeah, there'd be contest contest

0:14:38.760 --> 0:14:41.240
<v Speaker 1>to win something, or you'd call in with an embarrassing

0:14:41.280 --> 0:14:44.280
<v Speaker 1>story or you know that kind of thing. And yeah,

0:14:44.280 --> 0:14:48.160
<v Speaker 1>I definitely did that, Leo with me.

0:14:48.280 --> 0:14:52.440
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I love that. Sure, thank you guys for being

0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:56.960
<v Speaker 3>so funny, the best, the best.

0:14:57.080 --> 0:15:10.400
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, let's call it the end the episode