Speaker 1: Welcome to Insider's Guide to the Other Side, a production
Speaker 1: of iHeartRadio. Hi, y'all, I'm Julie.
Speaker 2: Hi there, I'm Brenda. Welcome to Insider's Guide to the
Speaker 2: Other Side.
Speaker 1: Now, y'all need to know that we are obsessed with
Speaker 1: everything on the other side.
Speaker 2: Yes, we are, because once you learn to navigate the energetic,
Speaker 2: or to some the invisible world, life is going to
Speaker 2: be more fun and much more serene.
Speaker 1: Uh heck, yes it can. Because let's be honest, for
Speaker 1: in earth school is hard.
Speaker 2: In fact, you taught me that let's crush Earth school together.
Speaker 1: My witchy poop, I can't count. Just everybody knows I
Speaker 1: went three one one? What the hell? So hey, my
Speaker 1: witchy poo. How are you today?
Speaker 2: How are you?
Speaker 1: I can't count?
Speaker 2: I'm fine though, not today.
Speaker 1: Not today, Satan. I can't count.
Speaker 2: I'm not not account to day.
Speaker 1: How are you?
Speaker 2: I've got I'm kind of got my doggy next to me.
Speaker 1: Can you count today? Mmm?
Speaker 2: I think countin's going okay today.
Speaker 1: Flipping things around for you, I swear to God I
Speaker 1: flipped things around more now than I have. But I
Speaker 1: just think it's lack of paying attention.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I wish I had that excuse.
Speaker 1: I know, I know it's a real thing for you.
Speaker 1: And also in my high school boyfriend John, I mean,
Speaker 1: he mixes things up, but you know he has a
Speaker 1: whole team to put them in the right order.
Speaker 2: Got to work on that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, right, Uh so, since I can't count, we're going
Speaker 1: to talk about not anything having to do with math,
Speaker 1: but what we're going to talk about, which I think,
Speaker 1: so it is actually a client a good It was
Speaker 1: a question. It was a question from a listener. It
Speaker 1: was actually surprising to me that we haven't talked about it.
Speaker 1: And that's why I love so much when people reach out,
Speaker 1: because I think that this question is one of our
Speaker 1: biggest lessons in earth school especially and obviously as we
Speaker 1: get older, which is how we engage and manage ourselves
Speaker 1: and others when it comes to our in laws. I mean,
Speaker 1: that's a tricky one.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, that's a charged one too, right this, Yeah,
Speaker 2: I'm sure you have some specific Do you have specifics
Speaker 2: or is this a general?
Speaker 1: Oh no, I'll tell you the story of what she shared.
Speaker 1: But yeah, so we'll just kind of rift through this
Speaker 1: a bit, but I'm going to tell you the story.
Speaker 1: So this is a young woman who came out maybe
Speaker 1: a year and a half, two years ago, and she
Speaker 1: met her girlfriend and college who came from or who
Speaker 1: comes from a highly religious family, and the parents, as
Speaker 1: you could imagine, you know, aren't terribly supportive. Question a lot.
Speaker 1: It's not exactly. They're not creating unity in all of this.
Speaker 1: They're creating more division, as you could imagine. And I
Speaker 1: think the question, you know, and part of what this
Speaker 1: wonderful young woman expressed was, you know, she goes, there's
Speaker 1: my side of the family that is really opening, is
Speaker 1: open and loving and like, you know, red rover, red rover,
Speaker 1: bring this woman on over, We're here for you kind
Speaker 1: of thing. And then there's the other side, the girlfriend's side,
Speaker 1: which is like, Nope, not happening today.
Speaker 2: So is there something specific about this woman that her
Speaker 2: family's saying no to or gay?
Speaker 1: No? Three letters?
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm sorry that was an inappropriate response. It's just
Speaker 2: not what I was expecting.
Speaker 1: No, this woman is she's lovely, she's smart, and she's stunning,
Speaker 1: and she's funny. No, she's gay. I mean it's that.
Speaker 1: I mean, this is a specific example.
Speaker 2: Okay, But the irony is what she is experiencing is
Speaker 2: they're actually rejecting about their own daughter, not about her.
Speaker 1: They're rejecting both, I think. I mean, if you're gonna
Speaker 1: reject one, you're going to reject the other.
Speaker 2: Yeah, But it doesn't sound like they're rejecting their daughter. There.
Speaker 2: Sounds like they're rejecting her daughter's beloved.
Speaker 1: Oh okay, well right, okay, that's fair, Yeah, because I.
Speaker 2: Mean, are they rejecting I think it's I.
Speaker 1: Think to a degree, yeah, I think I don't think
Speaker 1: they've shut her out of their life, but I think
Speaker 1: they are trying to convince, you know, because people parents
Speaker 1: think they have that power to you know, people are
Speaker 1: very so funny people are. You know, parents crack me
Speaker 1: up because somehow they think when they give birth, they
Speaker 1: own this human. And it's like, no, y'all, you don't.
Speaker 1: I'm going to tell you right now, that person is
Speaker 1: their own, Their soul is their own, and in some
Speaker 1: cases that soul is older than yours and you just
Speaker 1: can't accept it. But anyway, I think there's an ownership
Speaker 1: issue that's happening, and you know, I think there is,
Speaker 1: you know, and I think between them, not the parents,
Speaker 1: but the two young women, you know, I think it
Speaker 1: it's hard as well, because.
Speaker 2: Oh gosh, right, it's so hard, so hard.
Speaker 1: There's probably shame on one side and there's joy on
Speaker 1: this other. It's like, I can't believe I came from this,
Speaker 1: you know, there's all these things I think that happen,
Speaker 1: but it was I think part of the question was spiritually,
Speaker 1: what do we do with this? You know? How do
Speaker 1: we handle this? You know? And of course my question is, well,
Speaker 1: you signed up for it, but it's like, what do
Speaker 1: you do with it? You know, like how do you
Speaker 1: make it through the world where there is one part
Speaker 1: that one side of the family that rejects this union
Speaker 1: and the other that completely accepts it, And how do
Speaker 1: you do it? In a rise? You know, they go low,
Speaker 1: we go hi, Michelle Obama, way right?
Speaker 2: Well, I think the best you can do and just
Speaker 2: so much compassion, and let's face it, it doesn't have to
Speaker 2: be this extreme for most of us to experience a
Speaker 2: little tension with our better half's family. You know, even
Speaker 2: the most well intended can feel very invasive or constricting
Speaker 2: or judgy or inconvenient at best.
Speaker 1: You know, we're just talking about parents. We'll gonna later
Speaker 1: in this talk about even siblings. And others of the
Speaker 1: extended family, and how do you manage that. But this
Speaker 1: when it comes to the parents, and at such a
Speaker 1: young age, because they haven't gotten to that fuck your
Speaker 1: go fuck yourself stage in life, you know, there's still
Speaker 1: very much least to their parents at least not right
Speaker 1: at least not to their parents. And you know, I
Speaker 1: think that I you know, I think Susanna when it
Speaker 1: comes to this topic. You know, my mother adored that
Speaker 1: Suzanne like to the end degree. I do just find
Speaker 1: with Suzanne's family.
Speaker 2: So.
Speaker 1: You know, we didn't have that that rejection of ooh, gross,
Speaker 1: get out of here. You know, you're this, You're that
Speaker 1: there was no religion that was driving it, There was
Speaker 1: no none of that kind of stuff. So I haven't
Speaker 1: had to deal with that. And I think this is
Speaker 1: something that I've even heard of, weirdly more now than
Speaker 1: I did thirty plus years ago, because I think we're
Speaker 1: being coming there's more of a surge of extremists. I guess, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's the nicest way to say it today.
Speaker 2: Well, they've definitely had permission to be more vocal. So
Speaker 2: I think what I would say is whenever possible, and
Speaker 2: it's not always possible manage your engagement time in limited
Speaker 2: and you know, hopefully like planned directive kind of ways.
Speaker 2: So we're going to share an event, a meal, you know,
Speaker 2: so that there's something else to focus on other than
Speaker 2: just the gayness in this situation. But it could be anything, right,
Speaker 2: it could be It could be anything. It could be
Speaker 2: a racial difference, an age difference, socioeconomic difference, a political difference. Right,
Speaker 2: it could be any of those, and just ask for
Speaker 2: you know, can we have sanctuary over this time together
Speaker 2: where we're not going to just be discussing whatever it
Speaker 2: is that we agree that we are in different camps
Speaker 2: and we're not going to bring it up because for
Speaker 2: the sake of the family, we want to be able
Speaker 2: to be together and spend time together because it's hard
Speaker 2: to detest someone up close totally usually and it happens,
Speaker 2: you're right, you're right, you're right, but you're you're you're
Speaker 2: a thousand percent when.
Speaker 1: Yes, because when you face That's why social media can
Speaker 1: be so destructive for people, is because the anonymity of
Speaker 1: sitting behind a computer or a phone, you can shoot
Speaker 1: your mouth off like crazy and you're not having to
Speaker 1: face that person. It is a very very different thing.
Speaker 1: And here's the thing there's maybe it's about rule setting,
Speaker 1: and which I don't think families do like the extended
Speaker 1: families do, is kind of set some rules. I mean,
Speaker 1: you don't have to say it so abruptly as I said,
Speaker 1: some rules. But that's some boundaries maybe about why I
Speaker 1: think what you're saying, because the alternative is either you
Speaker 1: set them and you live by them, or you're not
Speaker 1: going to see us, and that is the worst alternative
Speaker 1: for all parties involved.
Speaker 2: And I do think you want to be very specific
Speaker 2: ahead of time, event by event, whether it's a celebration
Speaker 2: or an obligation or something. But this just says, can
Speaker 2: I ask that we we can spend time together, we
Speaker 2: can share a meal, and we're not going to bring
Speaker 2: this up during this time and if you know that,
Speaker 2: if we can't agree to that, then there's no reason
Speaker 2: for us to gather. That's all I would say. There's
Speaker 2: no reason to do it right, There's just no there's
Speaker 2: no upside. I'm trying to set everybody up for success.
Speaker 2: I'm trying to create a place for us to engage
Speaker 2: and get to know each other a little bit just
Speaker 2: by being next to each other. We don't even have
Speaker 2: to You don't even have to speak to me if
Speaker 2: you're not comfortable, right, right, But these these out of
Speaker 2: the rules of engagement.
Speaker 1: Yeah, And then the really weird magical thing happens is
Speaker 1: that once you let that happen, the the one party
Speaker 1: will actually look at the others that they were human
Speaker 1: just like them. Because that's what happens.
Speaker 2: And it can take a minute, it can take a
Speaker 2: few take you. Yeah, is you have to be willing
Speaker 2: to play the long game in these and when someone
Speaker 2: does go low, you just excuse yourself and say thank
Speaker 2: you for making it clear, like that's the only that's
Speaker 2: the only thing to utter. Thank you for making it clear.
Speaker 1: You are so much nicer than I am, because my
Speaker 1: comment always back is to say it again. I'm such
Speaker 1: a confrontational person. It's like, say it again and then
Speaker 1: they don't. But you're correct.
Speaker 2: You just want to make it You want to remind
Speaker 2: them what the agreement was by saying by affirming what
Speaker 2: they've done, not by pointing to the agreement that was broken,
Speaker 2: because that's implied. Oh, thank you for making your position clear.
Speaker 2: We'll take our exit now.
Speaker 1: And you can keep the check.
Speaker 2: But without fire. Without just like, this is agreement, this
Speaker 2: is a natural law, this is what This is the
Speaker 2: complete natural conclusion to this type of behavior, right, So
Speaker 2: just keep it simple. But the other thing is to remember,
Speaker 2: you know, when I do spear messages, I always talk about,
Speaker 2: you know, when people get divorced, energetically, we're still together, right,
Speaker 2: They're still connected on the other side. Right, There's there's
Speaker 2: a soul component that's always there and always activated among
Speaker 2: the souls, and so the same is true for in laws,
Speaker 2: like these souls that you're like, I don't have anything
Speaker 2: to do with these people. My life would be so
Speaker 2: much easier without them, right, It's all something that you've
Speaker 2: agreed to on a soul level. So you're like, oh
Speaker 2: my god, these are my people. For the love of God,
Speaker 2: I have no idea why or how what am I
Speaker 2: to do with this?
Speaker 1: What that hell was?
Speaker 2: I think you momentary lapse of judgment or whatever. But
Speaker 2: because of that, you want to remind yourself that you're
Speaker 2: not a victim. You're not a victim here. You are
Speaker 2: a co participant, You are a co creator. And so
Speaker 2: you giggle and you have compassion for yourself and you
Speaker 2: just like graciously move forward. As much as possible, and
Speaker 2: that's why limited engagement can be very strategic and very
Speaker 2: beneficial for all parties. Yeah. Yeah, we have a three
Speaker 2: hour limit and we're out.
Speaker 1: That seems really long to me, but yeah, it.
Speaker 2: Just depends if you can do ninety minutes more power too.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that would be going to an animated film,
Speaker 1: So you sit and not have sucked anybody. And they're
Speaker 1: usually ninety min it's one hundred minutes long, so you're
Speaker 1: good to go. Okay, on that note, we'll be right
Speaker 1: back and let's talk about some sibling things which I
Speaker 1: think will be interesting.
Speaker 2: I'd welcome back.
Speaker 1: Hey, that was hilarious because I just eight seconds ago
Speaker 1: said do you want to bring us back? Or do
Speaker 1: you want me to bring us back? And Brandon within
Speaker 1: a second and welcome back.
Speaker 2: There was no counting involved.
Speaker 1: There was none, There was no poof, there was no nothing.
Speaker 1: There was no three one one a.
Speaker 2: While it's a non counting day.
Speaker 1: Okay, So another interesting story. And maybe this should have
Speaker 1: been called extended family, but we're going to keep it
Speaker 1: in law loss is uh I I had forgotten this
Speaker 1: is before we were even talking about the first section
Speaker 1: was there's a friend who you know that just found
Speaker 1: out that she has a half sister with a different
Speaker 1: colored birthday suit. And and it has been interesting because
Speaker 1: it is a it's a she's this now sister is younger,
Speaker 1: and uh, it's she came from obviously another father and
Speaker 1: was adopted. The adopted family not happy about it. This
Speaker 1: other the other part of the family. There's sketchiness that.
Speaker 1: Then there's open arms. You know, there's a little racism
Speaker 1: that exists in one side. But you know what part
Speaker 1: of the plan like this was in this was there
Speaker 1: was no accident.
Speaker 2: Here, there are no accidents.
Speaker 1: It was lessons all around. And what my friend found
Speaker 1: is that this young woman is so incredibly like her.
Speaker 1: It's insane.
Speaker 2: Is that fun and magical?
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, And like has you know kids, And
Speaker 1: some of the naming is weird just because of they
Speaker 1: have names that they've both love and that made no sense,
Speaker 1: you know. So there's like magical arts like that, right,
Speaker 1: that that can actually happen.
Speaker 2: But DNA is crazy, Like that spiritual component of the
Speaker 2: DNA is just crazy, right, It's so fun.
Speaker 1: Wow, it's totally wild. And so when it comes to
Speaker 1: I find this interesting with my in laws from the
Speaker 1: siblings standpoint, So we'll just keep on the siblings track
Speaker 1: for a minute. Is you know, people want to believe
Speaker 1: because you're related, you should be the same. So let's
Speaker 1: just put it out there.
Speaker 2: People are so delusional.
Speaker 1: It's it's right.
Speaker 2: It's like, open your eyes. Is this true?
Speaker 1: I know, of course not even with my own brother,
Speaker 1: who was just here a number of weeks ago. I
Speaker 1: love him. We are we look alike, we are completely
Speaker 1: different inside. He is like lives in this practical plane
Speaker 1: and I'm like, fuck practicality, How does it feel? What
Speaker 1: does the energy feel? You know? We are like completely
Speaker 1: different human beings raised in the same house. There's principles
Speaker 1: that we share, but we're different creatures because we came
Speaker 1: here for different reasons. And it's funny because I see
Speaker 1: that also with my in laws and who like within
Speaker 1: the family Suzanne connects with and doesn't connect with, and
Speaker 1: and some is our step right, because that happens as
Speaker 1: well right blended families. Her joke is apparently there's an
Speaker 1: old show in something like with six you get a groll.
Speaker 1: I don't know. It's she a little than me, and
Speaker 1: if it were family ties, I would understand the reference.
Speaker 1: Or cheers so or even Roseanne. But but it's interesting
Speaker 1: when you see these people that that the connections happen,
Speaker 1: and there's actually relatives of hers that you know, I
Speaker 1: like a lot. Actually it even those in laws. And
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, I'm so glad we all chose this
Speaker 1: because you're kind of cool and awesome. But it's so
Speaker 1: it's just a weird like it's a melting pot, right,
Speaker 1: It's just this, it's a micro melting pot. We all
Speaker 1: connect where we connect, and and and if you don't.
Speaker 2: I will also say people are differently oriented. Some people
Speaker 2: are great just connecting with people one on one, and
Speaker 2: some people won't connect with you unless they know where
Speaker 2: you rank in the hierarchy, like what's your what's your status? Right,
Speaker 2: and and I'm more of a one on one kind
Speaker 2: of person, so I oftentimes I'm not aware of how
Speaker 2: someone ranks in, you know, the whatever hierarchy they're in,
Speaker 2: and I'm not really interested, right, so so it kind
Speaker 2: of gets lost on me. But it's it's really interesting
Speaker 2: where people like they will you can just see them
Speaker 2: scan who's a more important person to talk to?
Speaker 1: Oh my god, you're so right?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah, And people are just so sometimes in these
Speaker 2: situations where it can feel like collectively, oh my god,
Speaker 2: this family, I don't vibe to these siblings, I have
Speaker 2: nothing to grab on to. Where we don't share the
Speaker 2: same background, it feels like we don't share the same
Speaker 2: values as opposed to I just want to go meet
Speaker 2: this one person. I'm just going to engage with this one.
Speaker 2: I'm going to have a ten minute conversation or three
Speaker 2: minute conversation with this one. Individual is sometimes a helpful
Speaker 2: mindset to get you through. I'm going to have a
Speaker 2: series of very short engagements. I'm going to address each
Speaker 2: individual as an individual, because if I take them on collectively,
Speaker 2: I will lose my mind.
Speaker 1: And then the alternative that I have had to pull
Speaker 1: out a few times is if all us fails connect
Speaker 1: with a family pet.
Speaker 2: Because they don't care, I guess, yeah, that is awesome
Speaker 2: for real.
Speaker 1: That is the mechanism. But so you know, bring your
Speaker 1: own I do that too, ye b y o s
Speaker 1: bring your own Soukie. And because she's a fabulous distraction
Speaker 1: and people love her and so she like really brings
Speaker 1: the level down.
Speaker 2: And it's a mutual place to connect to.
Speaker 1: And again she brings it down yeah, so you know,
Speaker 1: so dealing. You know, we've kind of talked a little
Speaker 1: bit about this from like holiday episodes, but we don't
Speaker 1: just see family in the holidays, and there's like the
Speaker 1: ongoing I think that's really great advice about the three
Speaker 1: minutes where I desperately, you know, try to do because
Speaker 1: I'm a little on the bold side, is I try.
Speaker 1: My goal is don't trigger anybody. Don't trigger anybody. Don't
Speaker 1: trigger anybody. And I say I have to say it
Speaker 1: over and over and over again because some of them
Speaker 1: I just kind of can't help.
Speaker 2: It's fun for you. That's just fun when you're like, hey,
Speaker 2: I'm going to throw this hot potato and then see
Speaker 2: what happens.
Speaker 1: So much fun for me.
Speaker 2: You love that, it is so much fun.
Speaker 1: Yeah, don't let me recount the story of questioning the
Speaker 1: Bible to a relative. So that's a whole other thing,
Speaker 1: like now who wrote it? So, yeah, that was real fun.
Speaker 1: That was not a good holiday. That was Thanksgiving. I
Speaker 1: think when you're uh, so trigger, do trigger, bring the dog.
Speaker 1: But but it's just a really like would you say,
Speaker 1: it's like we all decided this together, and even even
Speaker 1: those like because the funny thing is I like a
Speaker 1: lot of the ones that married into like Suzanne Sibbling,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, I love him. Yeah, And then
Speaker 1: like it even Sue even cop Suey Cop Suwey is like,
Speaker 1: I mean, she's from a bloodline who she is distant,
Speaker 1: doesn't even blood related to Natalie. That's her set. That's
Speaker 1: I mean Bob who's her dad is is Suzanne's step brother?
Speaker 2: Oh gosh, okay, yeah right, there's not even.
Speaker 1: And it's like and all I say is, thank you,
Speaker 1: thank you God for giving me Sue.
Speaker 2: I just need one.
Speaker 1: I just need one, just one, you know. But that
Speaker 1: part of the joy of it is because because like
Speaker 1: you said, if you can go like it's like speed dating,
Speaker 1: go do your three minutes, go figure the stuff out,
Speaker 1: and then you'll figure out who you want to spend
Speaker 1: time with and be and be you know, kind enough.
Speaker 2: You know, don't just be present, actually just being present.
Speaker 2: People like to talk about themselves. Just be present, right,
Speaker 2: And you know, there's also this greater awareness that says,
Speaker 2: this person is a valid person, even if I don't
Speaker 2: really understand them, but I can maybe learn something in this. Sometimes, yeah,
Speaker 2: sometimes you just have to survive.
Speaker 1: Bring the dog.
Speaker 2: I do love bringing lou because then I always have
Speaker 2: an excuse to go walk it. Oh again, take lului.
Speaker 1: Same? Did we not pre did we not pregame that?
Speaker 1: Because I do the same thing. It seems like we
Speaker 1: must have pregamed it. Maybe in the airal plane, because
Speaker 1: that's exactly. It's like, oh, I got to go take
Speaker 1: SICKI out and we're out for like two hours.
Speaker 2: Yeah exactly, we get lost.
Speaker 1: Yeah oh yeah, no, she she was Yeah, she met
Speaker 1: another dog. Yeah, all right, we'll be right back.
Speaker 2: Hang on, y'all, and we're back with more in laws. Laws.
Speaker 1: So here's a rule or a law you want to
Speaker 1: call it. And we will all face this at one
Speaker 1: point or another. And because I think the most charged
Speaker 1: relationships that we tend to have are with our parents.
Speaker 1: And it doesn't matter how old you are, you're still
Speaker 1: somebody's kid.
Speaker 2: And and no one can trigu you like your mom
Speaker 2: or your dad.
Speaker 1: Right, And you know, as we get older and parents'
Speaker 1: age and even you know, people like me where you know,
Speaker 1: my mom was older when she had me, So I
Speaker 1: wasn't even that old when she was hitting a certain
Speaker 1: stage that you know, for at least ten to fourteen
Speaker 1: years where like my counterparts parents were younger, and I
Speaker 1: think that's probably going to be happening more and more
Speaker 1: as people have kids later is there comes a time
Speaker 1: with whatever angst or grief you carry about an in law,
Speaker 1: and if that in law, when that in law is
Speaker 1: aging and things change, right, so there becomes real care
Speaker 1: that needs to happen. It becomes very emotional for your
Speaker 1: partner and what they're dealing with that there is a
Speaker 1: time to let shit go. There is a time when
Speaker 1: it ain't about you. There's a time when whatever you're
Speaker 1: angst was, whatever you disagreed with or argued about, it's
Speaker 1: time to drop it because the reality is, when you
Speaker 1: get to a certain place, there's no changing somebody's mind.
Speaker 1: The you know, it's time to get off a soapbox,
Speaker 1: it's time to take the point off your head because
Speaker 1: it's not relevant anymore. In fact, if you continue with that,
Speaker 1: because I've seen this, you continue with that, you're just
Speaker 1: making it worse for everybody involved. So there comes a
Speaker 1: time when you're like, you know, I'm all in to
Speaker 1: do what you need to do, because again, we're always
Speaker 1: somebody's kid. And if you know, no matter what the
Speaker 1: relationship was between parent, adult child and parent. There's still
Speaker 1: love there, and there's still fear there. There's all those things,
Speaker 1: and it's scary as how to watch our parents get
Speaker 1: older and to deal with it. And so I can
Speaker 1: just say out of from I mean, Susan was amazing
Speaker 1: when my mom was sick. But I can say from
Speaker 1: things I've witnessed that that we that our job with
Speaker 1: our in laws is to support our spouse and to
Speaker 1: not be a nuisance, to be a supportive force.
Speaker 2: Well, plus, there's so much pressure in taking care of
Speaker 2: and you know a senior, you know parent or family member,
Speaker 2: and it's it's literally all they can do is to
Speaker 2: do the best they can. And so you may have
Speaker 2: all kinds of ideas about how something should be done,
Speaker 2: you may even have wisdom and information, but it's something
Speaker 2: that's literally being managed by the children. Right. So your
Speaker 2: your beloved siblings, and your job is just to be supportive.
Speaker 2: You're not the key person until you're the key person
Speaker 2: when they come to you and say what do we do?
Speaker 2: When they come to you and say can you step in?
Speaker 2: Like when you get tapped in, tap in, But until
Speaker 2: you tech get tapped in, you you sit in the
Speaker 2: background and be supportive. You fill in gaps where you
Speaker 2: know they have validated to you. That is helpful. Don't
Speaker 2: get in the way. That's the whole thing it is.
Speaker 1: I'll give you a great example, and this is what
Speaker 1: I did experience. Is after mom jumped, we went over
Speaker 1: to her house to meet my brother and his wife,
Speaker 1: and Susanne actively stayed in the background, and she later said,
Speaker 1: she goes, this isn't mine. This is not mine. It
Speaker 1: is not like it is not it's not mine. This
Speaker 1: is between you and your brother. Ye, and I wanted
Speaker 1: to keep it there as much as I could, and
Speaker 1: so instead of stepping in to either defend me. Now granted,
Speaker 1: I tend to take tuzanaxes that day to deal with it.
Speaker 2: That is also yours, that was mine.
Speaker 1: It was a struggle, but it was it was a
Speaker 1: really great lesson that I learned that day. I mean
Speaker 1: so I think her for so many lessons that she
Speaker 1: has taught me, but that one, in particular, I think
Speaker 1: has definitely carried through the years. And when people talk
Speaker 1: about dealing with this type of situation, I tell them
Speaker 1: the story of Suzanne when she stepped back and she goes,
Speaker 1: this isn't mine. I love you, but this isn't mine.
Speaker 1: It doesn't belong to me.
Speaker 2: So and also I can I can support you or
Speaker 2: tell you how I feel one on one, but I
Speaker 2: don't need to express this now you're in it exactly right,
Speaker 2: this is this is happening in real time. I know
Speaker 2: my lane. My lane is to love you, and I
Speaker 2: will do whatever you ask. But until then, I'm just
Speaker 2: going to hold that sacred space and know that I'm
Speaker 2: a safe place for you in whatever's happening. Right.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's part of her elegance is she knows those things. Yeah,
Speaker 1: And and all we talked about it. Don't get me wrong.
Speaker 1: She supported me, but I had to go deal with it,
Speaker 1: you know, because again it was it was my mom.
Speaker 2: Yeah, hers, I remember when Yeah, and when I when
Speaker 2: I showed up in Illinois with David's family, who's I
Speaker 2: think it was his dad who was going down in
Speaker 2: a boy's glory. I just tell me what needs what
Speaker 2: needs to be done? How can I be helpful? And
Speaker 2: so because I don't have the emotional connection, but I'm
Speaker 2: a capable set of hands, right, So tell me what
Speaker 2: what lifting can I do? And I got a long list,
Speaker 2: go here, do this, go here, do that, go here,
Speaker 2: do this, you know, stuff that just logistically they didn't
Speaker 2: have to do, and so that was helpful. It was
Speaker 2: it was not a burden to me. It was I
Speaker 2: was happy to do it, but it was just taking
Speaker 2: things off their plate because everything else was so hard
Speaker 2: and so heavy for them. But that way they got
Speaker 2: to stay together and do it together instead of peeling
Speaker 2: off one of the siblings, right, who needed to be
Speaker 2: there to do the emotional work.
Speaker 1: I think that is great advice because it is a
Speaker 1: you know, even trying to feed the group of siblings
Speaker 1: or a face a lot of stuff that's going on
Speaker 1: can feel hard.
Speaker 2: To which is why the tradition is bring food. Yes,
Speaker 2: bring me, bring food.
Speaker 1: So anyway, I think that's a I think it's a
Speaker 1: really important thing. I mean, we've we've kind of hit
Speaker 1: this range from the segments of like kind of young
Speaker 1: adult relationships eating, yeah, right, and then we kind of
Speaker 1: did the middle where it's like, oops, I have a
Speaker 1: sibling that I didn't know about and how do I
Speaker 1: relate and you know, make this work and have boundaries?
Speaker 1: And then it's like, as we get older, what are
Speaker 1: we you know, dealing with that aspect of our lives
Speaker 1: because the reality is, as much as Suzanne loved my mother,
Speaker 1: she did not know the full complexities of my relationship
Speaker 1: with her because she was mine and she was she
Speaker 1: was also Yeah, I mean and and and anybody who's
Speaker 1: a parent, you know when we talk about you pick them,
Speaker 1: you know there are so many reasons why that why
Speaker 1: that pick happened. Yeah, and it's very complex and to
Speaker 1: to honor the complexity, and even for the young version,
Speaker 1: we told early on there's a complexity there, like they
Speaker 1: chose one another, and so there is an honoring, a supporting,
Speaker 1: a boundary, all those things that we have to consider.
Speaker 1: And it's not always about us.
Speaker 2: It's exactly right.
Speaker 1: And go run an errand, Yeah, go run an errand
Speaker 1: or two. I love that.
Speaker 2: Bring Bring food, yeah, either bring.
Speaker 1: Food or your dog. And you can walk a dog
Speaker 1: for two hours and you eat and you go walk again. Anyway,
Speaker 1: So I hope this was helpful, And any other questions
Speaker 1: you guys might have on this topic or any other topic,
Speaker 1: please let us know, because this is these are truly
Speaker 1: the thing things that make Earth School really broke and hard.
Speaker 2: Is rich rich rich rich?
Speaker 1: Because it's this is this is the to me, the
Speaker 1: in law situation is the epitome of navigation. Yeah, it is,
Speaker 1: it is. It might be some of the hardest navigation
Speaker 1: we have to do, and in that in our personal life,
Speaker 1: like just that navigation stuff.
Speaker 2: And just take the bigger picture because we know our
Speaker 2: school is hard.
Speaker 1: Yeah it is. Oh yeah without the other side.
Speaker 2: Thanks everybody, Thanks y'all, Thank you for joining us. Everyone,
Speaker 2: and a special thanks to our producer Joey Patt and
Speaker 2: our executive producer Maya Cole Howard, who guides us well
Speaker 2: we guide.
Speaker 1: You hit us up on Instagram at other Side Guides,
Speaker 1: or shoot us a note at high Hi at vibes dot.
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Speaker 2: know what you know, and.
Speaker 1: We want to hear your stories and remember, our school
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