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Speaker 1: Welcome to the ten Minute Storyteller. That's me Bill Simpson,

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Speaker 1: your host, narrator and author. We hear at the ten

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Speaker 1: minute Storyteller endeavor to entertain you with tall tales or

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Speaker 1: rendered swiftly and with the utmost empathy. We pledge to

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Speaker 1: pack as much entertainment, emotion, and exploration into the human

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Speaker 1: condition as ten minutes will permit. Many novels on steroids.

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Speaker 1: This week we meet Zeb, a monument to virility, manly

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Speaker 1: to the core, fifty years chasing the ladies, but alas

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Speaker 1: not so much anymore. He started young, made women his vocation. Unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: it's looking like he'll need a fresh inspiration. Times they

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Speaker 1: are a change in machineries, all worn out, poor boys

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Speaker 1: emasculated of that, there can be no doubt the man

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Speaker 1: who can't get it up. Reality didn't set in all

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Speaker 1: at once, but for sure the day came when it

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Speaker 1: just lay there against his thigh, soft and lethargic. Pills

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Speaker 1: propped him up for a while, Viagra and sialis, But

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Speaker 1: soon those ed meds didn't do the trick either. And now, well,

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Speaker 1: now you might say the old boys are gelding. I

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Speaker 1: mean not a gelding exactly as his gonads have not

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Speaker 1: literally been severed from his body, but his impotence is

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Speaker 1: so complete his wrinkled old sack might just as well

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Speaker 1: be empty. But before we meet this apparently emasculated man,

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Speaker 1: let's take a not particularly deep dive into his virile,

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Speaker 1: manly past. By twelve, zeb had discovered his member had

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Speaker 1: an alternative use. It could do far more than merely

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Speaker 1: empty his bladder. For the next fifty years, that alternative

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Speaker 1: use pretty much dominated his life and controlled his behavior.

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Speaker 1: At fourteen, he scored for the first time an older girl,

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Speaker 1: a senior, a cheerleader. She'd been up and down the gridiron,

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Speaker 1: taught our boy a thing or two, and zeb he

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Speaker 1: was a fast learner. All through high school and college,

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Speaker 1: he majored in girls, and for several decades thereafter, the

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Speaker 1: fairer sex was his primary vocations. Ensued the ladies full

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Speaker 1: time with the same zealotry some men pursue a master's

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Speaker 1: degree in philosophy or a career in medicine or law.

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Speaker 1: Nothing gave young Zebulons satisfaction like the igniting of a

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Speaker 1: new affair. To spot a woman he found attractive, approach her,

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Speaker 1: get her to smile, laugh, relax, agree to a drink

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Speaker 1: or dinner, or even just to walk around the block.

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Speaker 1: This is what gave Zeb's life purpose. And then to

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Speaker 1: whine and dine and romance her, hold her in his arms,

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Speaker 1: press his body against hers, pure pleasure, and then off

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Speaker 1: with the clothes, slow and easy, flesh to flesh, lips

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Speaker 1: to lips, fresh discoveries, bliss beyond all measure. He was

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Speaker 1: never a one night's stand kind of guy. No way.

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Speaker 1: He liked to fall in love for a few weeks,

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Speaker 1: maybe a few months, even on occasion a year or more,

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Speaker 1: you know, until things grew moody or commitment time rolled around.

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Speaker 1: Then it was time to bear tears and harsh words

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Speaker 1: and things thrown at his head. But it couldn't be helped.

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Speaker 1: Zeb loved women, and good God, women were everywhere, on

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Speaker 1: every street, corner, in every bar, in every post office,

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Speaker 1: buying stamps on every front stoop, smoking a fag, walking

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Speaker 1: in the park, riding bikes in those tight like reshorts.

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Speaker 1: The ladies drove him crazy, drove him to distraction. Without question,

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Speaker 1: the most powerful force in his life was his attraction

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Speaker 1: to the opposite sex. He felt certain that force must

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Speaker 1: be buried deep in his DNA, a whole mass of

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Speaker 1: chemicals and hormones, and God knows what drawing him to

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Speaker 1: women like birds, to flight, like like gnat's, to light

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Speaker 1: ten twenty thirty times a day. He saw women with

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Speaker 1: whom he desperately wanted to have sex. He saw those

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Speaker 1: women live, driving in their cars at the office, pushing

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Speaker 1: carts through the grocery store. He saw them in magazines.

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Speaker 1: He saw them on TV and up on the giant

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Speaker 1: silver screen bigger than life. Well, yes, okay, it's true

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Speaker 1: zeb objectified women. How could he not just look at them?

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Speaker 1: Oh god, that face, that neck, those breasts, that behind,

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Speaker 1: those legs, those long, slender legs, Oh my god, just

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Speaker 1: begging him, just begging him to walk on over and say, hey,

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Speaker 1: good looking, what you got cooking? And she'd smile at him,

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Speaker 1: and he'd tell her she was the most beautiful girl

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Speaker 1: in the world. And she'd say, I'll pet you. Tell

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Speaker 1: all the girls that, and he'd say, yeah, maybe, but

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Speaker 1: I never ever meant it until my eyes fell on you.

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Speaker 1: He made love to them with extraordinary passion because he

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Speaker 1: loved them with all his heart and all his soul.

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Speaker 1: At least right then, right at that moment, naked and

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Speaker 1: crazy and out of their minds, and absolutely positively nothing

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Speaker 1: like this had ever happened before in the history of

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Speaker 1: the universe, in the annals of romance. She believed him

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Speaker 1: when he whispered in her ear that he loved her

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Speaker 1: to the moon and back, because he did love her.

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Speaker 1: It was true, it was all absolutely true. But of

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Speaker 1: course it couldn't be true forever. Nothing is true forever.

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Speaker 1: And if women were primarily objects of his affection, goddesses

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Speaker 1: to be worshiped on the beauty rest supreme, then men

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Speaker 1: were by and large competitors, opponents, rivals, to be diff feeded, beaten, vanquished.

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Speaker 1: Always always, he strutted his stuff, mouthed off, strode into

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Speaker 1: every arena with that big swinging dick swagger, pure ego

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Speaker 1: with a side of arrogance. He married not once, not twice,

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Speaker 1: but three times, younger women each time. The cat, the scoundrel.

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Speaker 1: But now, well, hell, he's just the man who can't

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Speaker 1: get it up, which was depressing for a while, so

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Speaker 1: depressing in fact, he thought he might just leap off

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Speaker 1: the Golden gate Bridge into Sand Francisco Bay. What, after all,

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Speaker 1: was the point of living If he couldn't close the deal,

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Speaker 1: carry out the very thing that gave his life meaning, purpose, joy.

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Speaker 1: He went to see the doc who ran a battery

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Speaker 1: of tests and couldn't find a damn thing wrong. Blood

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Speaker 1: pressure good, cholesterol good, no diabetes or kidney disease or

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Speaker 1: prostate cancer. Healthy as a racehorse, old boy, Doc told

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Speaker 1: him healthy as a race horse. Well what, then, he asked,

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Speaker 1: Doc shrugged said, I don't know. Maybe it just wore

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Speaker 1: it out, or maybe maybe the times they are a changing.

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Speaker 1: This was earlier, this, this was just this morning, and

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Speaker 1: now this evening, something odd and all together strange is happening.

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Speaker 1: He's at the barrel house and saucelito, tossing back a

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Speaker 1: couple cold ones with some of the local boys. When

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Speaker 1: talk turns to the forty nine ers New QB. Now

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Speaker 1: this is when zeb typically steps off his barstool, throws

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Speaker 1: back his shoulders, takes center stage, and tells one and

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Speaker 1: all exactly how they should feel about this, fresh out

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Speaker 1: of Notre Dame. No real room for discussion. He's got

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Speaker 1: the inside skinny only tonight, get this tonight. He doesn't

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Speaker 1: say a word, He just sits there, smiling in that

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Speaker 1: circle of men sipping his brew, happy to have the

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Speaker 1: world turning serene, content and now check this out. The

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Speaker 1: nice looking galed out at the end of the bar.

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Speaker 1: He knows her, sort of. He knows her enough to

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Speaker 1: say hey. He also knows she's been through hell lately.

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Speaker 1: Hubby up and left without a word, no explanation. Mom

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Speaker 1: passed after a long illness. Pr firm where she's worked

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Speaker 1: for years, went belly up. In other words, easy pickens,

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Speaker 1: at least in the old days. He picks up his beer,

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Speaker 1: wanders down to the end of the bar, says hey,

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Speaker 1: asks if he can sit. She says, sure, go ahead,

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Speaker 1: so long as you're not here to try to score

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Speaker 1: a sad, pissed off, unemployed bitch. Ega faws, She smiles.

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Speaker 1: He says, hell, I'm harmless. Can't even get it up anymore.

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Speaker 1: She laughs, slaps him on the back. They talk, just talk,

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Speaker 1: just sit there and talk for hours till closing time.

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Speaker 1: Surface stuff at first, you know, beer, wine, weather, best

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Speaker 1: beach in the Bay Area, best places to eat on

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Speaker 1: knob Hill, and then some local gossip, who's cheating, who's beaten,

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Speaker 1: who's shagging who. But finally, finally the real stuff, the

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Speaker 1: emotional goods, the ties that bind hell. They become friends,

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Speaker 1: Zeb's first real female friend ever. Thanks for listening to

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Speaker 1: this original audio presentation of the Man who Can't Get

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Speaker 1: It Up, narrated by the author. If you enjoy today's story,

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Speaker 1: please take a few seconds to rate, review, and subscribe

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Speaker 1: to this podcast, and then go to Thomas William Simpson

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Speaker 1: dot com for additional information about the author and to

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Speaker 1: view his extensive canon. The Ten Minute Storyteller is produced

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Speaker 1: by Andrew Pliglici and Josh Colodney and as part of

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Speaker 1: the Elvis Duran Podcast Network in partnership with iHeart Productions.

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Speaker 1: Until next time, this is Bill Simpson, your ten Minute Storyteller,