WEBVTT - Growth and Evolution 0:00:09.800 --> 0:00:14.120 What Up? Everyone? Welcome to Cheeky's and Chill, your favorite podcast. 0:00:14.560 --> 0:00:17.640 Thank you for coming back again to listen to learn 0:00:17.760 --> 0:00:21.240 to Grow. Today's episode will be just you and I, 0:00:21.360 --> 0:00:24.280 the mic and I and I'm going to be talking 0:00:24.280 --> 0:00:27.520 about evolution. I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately, 0:00:27.800 --> 0:00:31.680 and I've realized that I've changed quite a bit and 0:00:31.720 --> 0:00:34.239 I've grown a lot, not necessarily as an artist, but 0:00:34.320 --> 0:00:36.479 as a human being. And that's what i want to 0:00:36.520 --> 0:00:40.440 talk about, because I always say this, we are evolving creatures. 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:43.120 We are meant to change, we are meant to grow 0:00:43.159 --> 0:00:47.080 to mature, and I've realized that I've done quite a 0:00:47.159 --> 0:00:49.519 bit of it in many areas of my life, and 0:00:49.560 --> 0:00:54.720 I want to talk about these topics in different seasons, 0:00:54.800 --> 0:00:58.120 in different ages of my life. The first one is 0:00:58.160 --> 0:01:04.280 mental health. I can tell you that right now, as 0:01:04.280 --> 0:01:06.920 I'm older, in my thirties, it's been like back and 0:01:06.959 --> 0:01:09.960 forth for sure, where I feel like I'm good and 0:01:09.959 --> 0:01:14.399 then I'm not good, and then it's thirties have been beautiful, 0:01:14.520 --> 0:01:18.679 but very like I don't even know how to explain it, 0:01:19.120 --> 0:01:22.080 especially with mental health. It's something that people speak about 0:01:22.200 --> 0:01:25.520 more like we hear about it more often people are 0:01:25.959 --> 0:01:28.000 feeling a little bit more vulnerable. I guess to speak 0:01:28.040 --> 0:01:30.560 about it, which I think is a great thing. So 0:01:30.760 --> 0:01:33.119 I think that's why I've realized that my mental health, 0:01:33.200 --> 0:01:38.959 especially in like my thirties, has been more prominent. I 0:01:39.000 --> 0:01:44.360 want to say Obviously, in my teens, I didn't really 0:01:44.400 --> 0:01:47.520 think about that. I didn't really know if I was sad. 0:01:47.560 --> 0:01:49.680 I was sad and there was a reason. Now I 0:01:49.720 --> 0:01:52.440 feel like as i'm older, sometimes there's no reason and 0:01:52.520 --> 0:01:55.320 I'm just a little like sad and I have no 0:01:55.360 --> 0:01:57.880 there's nothing that necessarily triggered it. I don't know if 0:01:57.920 --> 0:02:00.560 it's hormones. I don't I have no idea, but I 0:02:00.640 --> 0:02:04.520 want to say that now I've dealt with mental health 0:02:04.560 --> 0:02:06.840 in a different way. Now I know, Okay, i'm a 0:02:06.880 --> 0:02:08.760 little sad. I'm not going to let this turn in 0:02:08.800 --> 0:02:12.440 two weeks of sadness. I'm just going to feel it. 0:02:12.760 --> 0:02:14.680 I'm going to try to figure out. I'm going to 0:02:14.720 --> 0:02:16.200 read a book, I'm going to do something that's going 0:02:16.280 --> 0:02:21.280 to make me feel better. But obviously, when my mom 0:02:21.360 --> 0:02:26.239 was here, I feel like in a way I was happier. 0:02:26.320 --> 0:02:30.000 I was more confused. I didn't know exactly where I 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:32.520 was going to go what I wanted to accomplish in life. 0:02:33.040 --> 0:02:39.320 But I wasn't like I don't know. I guess I 0:02:39.440 --> 0:02:44.399 was oblivious to it, and I just if I was sad, 0:02:44.440 --> 0:02:45.799 there was a reason, there was something that I had, 0:02:45.840 --> 0:02:47.880 maybe an argument with my mom and I or whatever 0:02:47.919 --> 0:02:50.600 the case may be. But obviously my life changed so 0:02:50.680 --> 0:02:54.000 much after my mom passed away, and that's when I 0:02:54.040 --> 0:02:56.560 feel like I learned, oh, this is what depression is, 0:02:56.600 --> 0:02:59.959 a little bit before she passed away. But I'm grateful 0:03:00.000 --> 0:03:03.560 now that I know about therapy, that I know what 0:03:03.720 --> 0:03:07.720 makes me feel better. I know what self care is, 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:10.160 what self love is, and it's a huge priority in 0:03:10.200 --> 0:03:12.520 my life, and that's how I deal with it. I've 0:03:12.680 --> 0:03:18.000 realized that this is just part of life and we 0:03:18.040 --> 0:03:21.080 can't escape it. There's so much going on in the 0:03:21.080 --> 0:03:24.320 world that all we can do is find tools to 0:03:25.600 --> 0:03:27.840 deal with it. And that's kind of where I'm at. 0:03:27.880 --> 0:03:30.440 That's my relationship with mental health now. But in my 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:35.960 younger years, quite frankly, it's very different. I didn't know 0:03:36.000 --> 0:03:37.840 what it was. I didn't know what depression was, what 0:03:37.880 --> 0:03:41.320 anxiety was. Now I hear about it more. Now I 0:03:41.320 --> 0:03:44.400 can recognize it and that's how I deal with it now. 0:03:44.600 --> 0:03:47.920 But I think it's it's very important to come to 0:03:48.040 --> 0:03:50.840 terms with the fact that we are not the only ones. 0:03:51.480 --> 0:03:55.760 You're not alone in this. We all have. I think 0:03:56.200 --> 0:04:02.000 maybe even after the pandemic, that's where I feel a 0:04:02.040 --> 0:04:05.960 lot of us were uncertain about the future and anxiety 0:04:06.040 --> 0:04:10.640 kicked in and depression. But I think it's important to 0:04:10.760 --> 0:04:13.280 figure out what works for you. What maybe works for 0:04:13.400 --> 0:04:15.240 me may not work for you. Like there's some when 0:04:15.240 --> 0:04:17.080 I'm sad and I'm just like I'm gonna lay in 0:04:17.120 --> 0:04:18.960 bed and I'm gonna take a nap. I'm gonna put 0:04:19.000 --> 0:04:22.120 some sleepy music on and that makes me feel better sometimes, 0:04:22.200 --> 0:04:24.480 or I'm gonna take a bath. It's important to kind 0:04:24.480 --> 0:04:27.680 of grow and learn whatever it is that works for 0:04:27.839 --> 0:04:32.200 you. You know, healthy things though, because for a long time 0:04:33.000 --> 0:04:38.520 in my early thirties, late nine, late twenties, early thirties, 0:04:38.839 --> 0:04:41.200 I realized that I was trying to cover up my 0:04:41.240 --> 0:04:44.919 sadness with alcohol, and I was suppressing my feelings and 0:04:44.960 --> 0:04:47.560 trying to numb certain things and just get through the 0:04:47.640 --> 0:04:52.080 day or get through work. And I was drinking a lot. 0:04:52.720 --> 0:04:54.880 And that's not healthy either. So just make sure they're 0:04:54.920 --> 0:04:59.440 healthy things, you know, learned healthy stuff. Okay, Oh my 0:04:59.480 --> 0:05:05.279 relationship with my mom, Okay, how have I evolved in 0:05:05.360 --> 0:05:09.400 that area? Well, Well, for a very long time. When 0:05:09.440 --> 0:05:13.960 I was, you know, a child, teenager, I was very 0:05:14.040 --> 0:05:16.160 I guess you could say, afraid of my mom. I 0:05:16.240 --> 0:05:19.640 never wanted to disappoint her. I was afraid to be 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:24.720 myself completely. I felt like I couldn't because she was 0:05:24.839 --> 0:05:29.279 like the queen of my world, and I never wanted 0:05:30.320 --> 0:05:33.800 to show her the real me because I didn't know 0:05:33.800 --> 0:05:36.560 if she would like me. So I was for a 0:05:36.600 --> 0:05:38.680 long time trying to be everything she needed me to be. 0:05:39.680 --> 0:05:41.840 And so when I could be myself around my friends 0:05:41.920 --> 0:05:44.120 or people, I did feel I guess more comfortable around 0:05:45.240 --> 0:05:48.719 I remember her telling me, you know you're fake. But 0:05:48.800 --> 0:05:51.360 it wasn't that. I was just more. I was just afraid, 0:05:52.360 --> 0:05:57.920 and that came with my people pleasing, with seeking her approval, 0:05:58.040 --> 0:06:04.000 and I never really had the chance to show her 0:06:04.040 --> 0:06:07.159 who I really am. I don't think I was able 0:06:07.200 --> 0:06:10.919 to step into my own power until after she was gone, 0:06:12.000 --> 0:06:17.120 and that makes me a little sad because I think 0:06:17.160 --> 0:06:21.400 when I moved out that same year my mom passed away, 0:06:21.600 --> 0:06:23.919 we were able to have a mother daughter relationship, but 0:06:24.560 --> 0:06:28.479 for my entire life, it was if it wasn't for 0:06:28.520 --> 0:06:30.760 the kids, my siblings, it was for one of our businesses, 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:33.960 and there was always business with my mom. So I 0:06:34.000 --> 0:06:36.080 had a very short period of time where we can 0:06:36.120 --> 0:06:38.440 actually go to lunch and go get our nails done. 0:06:38.880 --> 0:06:44.120 I want to say, like maybe four months, five months, 0:06:46.000 --> 0:06:50.480 five months of my entire life guys to experience that 0:06:50.560 --> 0:06:53.040 mother daughter relationship. And I'm not gonna lie, it was 0:06:53.080 --> 0:06:54.479 a little awkward. I'm like, oh, I'm at lunch with 0:06:54.480 --> 0:06:55.760 my mom and we're gonna go get our nails. And 0:06:55.760 --> 0:06:57.280 it was like we didn't even know what to talk about, 0:06:57.320 --> 0:07:00.479 because you know, she really wanted me to spread my 0:07:00.520 --> 0:07:03.679 wings and I didn't know anything else other than taking 0:07:03.680 --> 0:07:06.400 care of her and my siblings. So it was very awkward, 0:07:06.440 --> 0:07:08.360 but it was very nice to kind of step back 0:07:08.400 --> 0:07:09.640 and be like, oh, I can talk to my mom 0:07:09.640 --> 0:07:15.600 about things, you know. And now, obviously as I've gotten 0:07:15.640 --> 0:07:18.600 older and i'm you know, in my career and stuff, 0:07:18.760 --> 0:07:25.720 I am more considerate, I guess, more compassionate of her 0:07:25.760 --> 0:07:29.840 feelings and how she was and not necessarily be so 0:07:30.640 --> 0:07:33.480 like critique her so much because now I know what 0:07:33.520 --> 0:07:35.800 it is to be a woman and to be in 0:07:35.840 --> 0:07:39.080 this industry and to feel the pressure that I'm sure 0:07:39.120 --> 0:07:42.280 she felt, which made her the woman and the mother 0:07:42.360 --> 0:07:45.280 that she was because she was a single mother. So 0:07:45.440 --> 0:07:48.840 now it's different now. Instead of being upset at her, 0:07:49.640 --> 0:07:53.480 I'm more of like, I understand you, mom. It comes 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:56.440 with age, It comes with going through your own experiences 0:07:56.800 --> 0:08:00.800 through therapy where you just completely let all of your 0:08:00.800 --> 0:08:04.280 feelings and you're able to have someone with an unbiased 0:08:04.360 --> 0:08:08.120 opinion step in and let you and help you see 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:13.040 things like from another angle. And it took a while, 0:08:13.240 --> 0:08:15.240 because again I've told you guys so much here on 0:08:15.240 --> 0:08:17.600 the podcast. I was very upset with my mom for 0:08:17.640 --> 0:08:20.200 a long time with how things were left and I 0:08:20.360 --> 0:08:22.640 was left to clean up the mess and try to 0:08:22.680 --> 0:08:26.840 figure it out. But all that stuff, everything that happened, 0:08:26.880 --> 0:08:30.280 really like kicked things into gear for me where I was. 0:08:30.560 --> 0:08:34.280 I had to step into my own power and protect 0:08:34.280 --> 0:08:36.959 myself when I would always look for my mom to 0:08:37.000 --> 0:08:40.920 protect me, you know. And it's been it's been a 0:08:40.920 --> 0:08:42.920 hell of a ride, guys. These past twelve years have 0:08:43.040 --> 0:08:48.559 been insane, and I've grown so much, and now more 0:08:48.600 --> 0:08:51.520 than anything, I'm like I had the perfect mom, Like 0:08:51.600 --> 0:08:53.679 I had the perfect mom for the type of child 0:08:53.760 --> 0:08:56.360 I was, for the type of teenager I was, for 0:08:56.480 --> 0:08:58.840 the woman I am today, and I needed to be. 0:09:00.440 --> 0:09:04.320 I'm grateful and instead of being upset and pointing fingers 0:09:04.360 --> 0:09:06.120 at her, I'm like, you know what, she was just 0:09:06.120 --> 0:09:09.120 out there doing her best, and I did live a 0:09:09.160 --> 0:09:11.160 long time. Even while she was here, I was kind 0:09:11.160 --> 0:09:12.640 of mad. I was like, dude, why why am I 0:09:12.640 --> 0:09:14.240 the oldest? Why do I have to be so responsible? 0:09:14.240 --> 0:09:16.000 Why do I have to do this? And now I'm like, 0:09:16.360 --> 0:09:19.560 thank you, thank you so much that everything that I 0:09:19.600 --> 0:09:22.080 went through and how tough she was with me, and 0:09:22.120 --> 0:09:24.719 the lessons that she taught me, even till the very 0:09:24.800 --> 0:09:28.199 last day where we weren't speaking, it was her still 0:09:28.240 --> 0:09:30.160 teaching me to be the woman I need to be 0:09:31.679 --> 0:09:34.480 without her even knowing. Like, it's like the craziest thing, 0:09:34.679 --> 0:09:37.080 and it takes a lot of healing guys to get 0:09:37.120 --> 0:09:40.599 to that point. Because I could sit here and be like, 0:09:40.640 --> 0:09:42.079 oh my god, this happened to me and I could 0:09:42.160 --> 0:09:44.960 be sad and like, yes, I was very sad for 0:09:45.000 --> 0:09:47.040 a long time, but I wanted to step out of 0:09:47.040 --> 0:09:48.400 that and I wanted to grow out of it, and 0:09:50.200 --> 0:09:51.920 all I can do is just thank God and thank 0:09:51.960 --> 0:09:54.559 my mom. And I wouldn't change anything, as crazy as 0:09:54.600 --> 0:09:56.640 it sounds, because of so many things that I've been 0:09:56.640 --> 0:10:01.679 through and how hard things were when she left, I'm 0:10:01.720 --> 0:10:05.360 grateful because it really put this fire within me to 0:10:05.559 --> 0:10:08.760 just want to be my best self, to make changes, 0:10:08.840 --> 0:10:15.440 to be different. And yeah, it's crazy to think about. 0:10:15.559 --> 0:10:17.120 I mean, we don't have enough time to get into 0:10:17.120 --> 0:10:19.640 all the details, but that's my relationship and how I 0:10:19.679 --> 0:10:24.280 have evolved. Thinking of just the relationship of my mom, 0:10:24.679 --> 0:10:28.040 or with my mom, should I say so? Not us 0:10:28.040 --> 0:10:44.840 crying now? My relationship with my dad. Ooh, that one's 0:10:44.840 --> 0:10:46.960 a little tough because I didn't spend a lot of 0:10:47.000 --> 0:10:50.120 time with my dad. I think my dad was out 0:10:50.160 --> 0:10:52.520 of my life when I was twelve for ten years. 0:10:52.640 --> 0:10:58.199 It was on the run, and all I really remember 0:10:58.360 --> 0:11:02.440 is him being a pretty good dad. You know, it's 0:11:02.520 --> 0:11:06.680 weird because I should be quote unquote, I should have 0:11:06.720 --> 0:11:09.240 been more upset with my dad because of what he 0:11:09.280 --> 0:11:13.160 did because he sexually molested me, right, But I never 0:11:13.200 --> 0:11:19.040 really was, and that's weird, especially when it happened. I 0:11:21.200 --> 0:11:24.400 don't know if it's trauma. I don't know, but I 0:11:24.440 --> 0:11:29.440 really was never upset with my dad. I was always 0:11:29.480 --> 0:11:33.800 more mad at my mom. And then that change, or 0:11:33.840 --> 0:11:37.600 my mom passed away, then I suddenly became very upset 0:11:37.640 --> 0:11:40.040 at my dad because he wanted to kind of step 0:11:40.040 --> 0:11:41.760 in and say, hey, I'm here. And I'm like, well, 0:11:41.800 --> 0:11:44.040 why now now that my mom's not here, you think 0:11:44.080 --> 0:11:47.079 you could take advantage and manipulate us, That's what I thought, 0:11:48.720 --> 0:11:51.520 not knowing that he was like, Hey, I just feel 0:11:51.520 --> 0:11:54.840 bad I wasn't a present father. Your mother's no longer here. 0:11:55.640 --> 0:11:58.520 I feel like I need to at least let you 0:11:58.640 --> 0:12:01.679 know I'm here for you and you're seeings and it 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:03.640 hurts me that you guys are going through this. And 0:12:03.720 --> 0:12:05.880 I didn't see it that way. I just became very angry, 0:12:06.040 --> 0:12:08.559 like I wanted like I was like, no, don't get 0:12:08.600 --> 0:12:12.560 near me. I was. I'm telling you, I was so upset. 0:12:14.040 --> 0:12:18.000 Twenty thirteen was the I was just upset at the world. 0:12:18.480 --> 0:12:20.320 And the crazy thing is I forgave my dad a 0:12:20.320 --> 0:12:23.120 long time ago. He didn't ask for forgiveness until just recently, 0:12:23.280 --> 0:12:26.480 but I had already forgiven him. And I don't know. 0:12:26.640 --> 0:12:28.600 I think the relationship with my dad is just it's 0:12:28.720 --> 0:12:31.559 just weird. I don't know where it is now. I 0:12:32.000 --> 0:12:36.480 do feel better because he asked me for forgiveness, because 0:12:36.480 --> 0:12:40.520 we are on talking terms. We're cordial with one another. 0:12:41.080 --> 0:12:45.120 And I'm very proud of myself for that because I 0:12:45.160 --> 0:12:47.960 never held a grudge and I have my mom. I 0:12:48.040 --> 0:12:50.320 owe my mom that because my mom was a very 0:12:50.360 --> 0:12:54.959 forgiving woman and she taught me that to forgive. And 0:12:56.200 --> 0:12:59.080 I think that's why. Like, she never told me to 0:12:59.120 --> 0:13:02.720 hate my dad. You know. She always said, when you 0:13:02.760 --> 0:13:04.840 guys are older, and when the time is right, I 0:13:04.920 --> 0:13:06.720 will take you. I will take you to go see 0:13:06.720 --> 0:13:08.800 your dad. She would tell Jackie that a lot of Jackie, 0:13:08.840 --> 0:13:11.719 my sister, would cry a lot for him. But anyways, 0:13:12.080 --> 0:13:14.000 I don't know that with my dad. It's like I 0:13:14.080 --> 0:13:16.160 still have yet to figure out what's going to happen 0:13:16.280 --> 0:13:19.160 from here on out. Now that we he apologized, now 0:13:19.200 --> 0:13:24.000 that he recognized what he did, I don't know if 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:26.959 I necessarily want a relationship or need a relationship with him, 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:30.319 I don't know. I still have yet to figure that out. 0:13:30.320 --> 0:13:31.600 So I have to get back to you guys on that. 0:13:31.640 --> 0:13:33.280 But I have a lot of peace in my heart 0:13:33.640 --> 0:13:38.400 when it comes to him. I don't judge him. I'm 0:13:38.440 --> 0:13:41.120 no one to judge. I'm like, God, that is that's 0:13:41.160 --> 0:13:45.199 what you gotta do, you know. But now I feel 0:13:45.520 --> 0:13:47.880 it feels nice to have peace with both my parents, 0:13:47.920 --> 0:13:50.520 with my mom and my dad. And I think just 0:13:50.600 --> 0:13:53.000 having that, even if they're not physically with me and 0:13:53.440 --> 0:13:57.200 in my life every day, just finding peace within myself 0:13:57.320 --> 0:14:00.960 to have peace with them and step back and try 0:14:01.000 --> 0:14:04.520 to put myself in their shoes has helped me heal 0:14:04.720 --> 0:14:07.720 so much. So it feels so nice to have peace 0:14:07.720 --> 0:14:11.360 with my mother and with my father. It's like the 0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:14.559 best gift that I've I don't know. This year has 0:14:14.880 --> 0:14:17.679 been a tough year, but it also has given me 0:14:17.760 --> 0:14:20.360 so many gifts, and I'm that's one of them that 0:14:20.440 --> 0:14:27.200 I'm like, finally, finally, I'm like, I could rest in 0:14:27.280 --> 0:14:32.760 knowing that I didn't have the most horrible parents. You know, 0:14:32.920 --> 0:14:35.280 they were, you know, my dad just I don't know. 0:14:35.360 --> 0:14:37.680 I can't speak for my dad. I don't know. That's 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:40.800 a hard one. But anyways, have peace, so that that's good, 0:14:40.920 --> 0:14:44.080 that's evil, that's evolving and growing and maturing and not 0:14:44.200 --> 0:14:46.840 holding resentment with either one of them. Oh my gosh, 0:14:46.920 --> 0:14:51.000 it's so liberating. So liberating. Okay, so this is a 0:14:51.000 --> 0:14:58.800 good one. Relationship with food, oh m G. That has 0:14:58.880 --> 0:15:03.720 definitely been a topic of conversation since I was very young. 0:15:04.720 --> 0:15:10.360 I think I noticed that I had an issue with food. 0:15:10.440 --> 0:15:13.480 My relationship with food, I must have been around I 0:15:13.480 --> 0:15:17.440 don't know, ten years old, maybe when I started gaining 0:15:17.440 --> 0:15:23.480 weight and realizing that I didn't look like all the 0:15:23.480 --> 0:15:25.720 rest of the little girls at school. You know, they 0:15:25.720 --> 0:15:28.920 were thin and I was always thick. I could literally 0:15:28.920 --> 0:15:31.800 wear my mom's clothes at that age. At ten, I 0:15:31.840 --> 0:15:35.000 would share clothes with my mom, and I think it 0:15:35.040 --> 0:15:38.520 had to do Now through therapy, I've realized that the 0:15:38.600 --> 0:15:42.480 relationship with food has been because I think since the 0:15:42.520 --> 0:15:45.440 sexual abuse, you know, and it made me feel good. 0:15:45.480 --> 0:15:47.920 Food made me feel good and I would forget about 0:15:47.920 --> 0:15:51.240 everything because food was just delicious. I didn't realize that until, like, 0:15:52.120 --> 0:15:57.080 I don't know, a few years ago. But also I 0:15:57.120 --> 0:16:00.720 had a lot of issues with constipation, still deal with that. 0:16:00.760 --> 0:16:02.600 I don't know if you guys understand me. But it 0:16:02.640 --> 0:16:04.800 also has to do with me holding things in for 0:16:04.840 --> 0:16:06.720 so long, which is why I love my podcast so much, 0:16:06.760 --> 0:16:09.120 because I'm able to just speak about everything and anything 0:16:09.720 --> 0:16:11.800 but for a long time I didn't. I kept in 0:16:12.000 --> 0:16:16.400 a lot of things, and that also affected my relationship 0:16:16.400 --> 0:16:20.920 with food. But now I could tell you, as I've 0:16:20.920 --> 0:16:23.800 gotten older, I used to just feel like, oh, I 0:16:23.840 --> 0:16:28.040 can eat whatever I want, and you know, I'm young 0:16:28.520 --> 0:16:31.400 and it's not going to affect me. That was my 0:16:31.480 --> 0:16:36.040 thinking in my twenties, even my early thirties. Now I 0:16:36.080 --> 0:16:40.280 can tell you that I've realized that I can eat 0:16:40.320 --> 0:16:44.800 anything that I want. It's all in moderation, in portions, 0:16:45.960 --> 0:16:50.840 and also picking things that are going to fuel my 0:16:50.960 --> 0:16:55.320 body instead of making me feel good temporarily. And that 0:16:55.360 --> 0:16:59.120 took a long time to really say this is a lifestyle. 0:16:59.240 --> 0:17:02.120 I was all about diets for so long. But that 0:17:02.160 --> 0:17:05.040 also came from my mom. I think my mom suffered 0:17:05.080 --> 0:17:08.760 with her weight, and you know, and that's her obviously 0:17:08.880 --> 0:17:11.359 story to tell, and I you know, but I know 0:17:11.440 --> 0:17:16.600 that my mom had this dark cloud over her all 0:17:16.640 --> 0:17:18.960 the time that you know, I need to lose weight 0:17:19.000 --> 0:17:23.320 and my kids can't be big, and she I think 0:17:23.359 --> 0:17:26.840 we all have this relationship with food because in our 0:17:26.880 --> 0:17:30.760 household we felt so limited for so long. It was 0:17:31.200 --> 0:17:34.680 you know, imagine being an eleven year old kid and 0:17:34.800 --> 0:17:37.399 all you can drink is non fat milk. I couldn't 0:17:37.440 --> 0:17:39.240 even have two percent, Like it was like a thing. 0:17:39.920 --> 0:17:43.080 And so we would sneak food. I would sneak food 0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:46.399 my stepdad, Johnny and Jenica's dad. He would go to 0:17:46.400 --> 0:17:48.439 the story. He's like, I'm gonna go pup gas. Do 0:17:48.480 --> 0:17:50.920 you want something because he knew my mom didn't let 0:17:50.960 --> 0:17:54.360 us have treats. So he would bring me a brownie 0:17:54.400 --> 0:17:56.240 or he would bring me chips and I would hide them. 0:17:56.640 --> 0:17:59.520 I was like a closet eater because my mom was 0:18:00.000 --> 0:18:01.320 I don't want my kids to be fat because I 0:18:01.359 --> 0:18:03.040 suffered with that and I don't want them to suffer. 0:18:04.040 --> 0:18:09.760 But without her knowing, it like backfired because we were 0:18:09.800 --> 0:18:12.399 doing it. Like at school, I would go across the 0:18:12.400 --> 0:18:14.119 street and have chili chesec because I know I wouldn't 0:18:14.119 --> 0:18:15.719 be able to have that around my mom. So I 0:18:15.760 --> 0:18:18.280 was like hiding. And now that I speak to my siblings, 0:18:19.200 --> 0:18:21.159 they also would do the same thing. Jackie too. She 0:18:21.160 --> 0:18:22.520 would wake up in the middle of the night, she said, 0:18:22.560 --> 0:18:24.800 and she would eat, you know, and sneak her food. 0:18:25.359 --> 0:18:28.520 And I don't I'm not mad at my mom because again, 0:18:28.720 --> 0:18:30.640 she had her own things that she was dealing with 0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:33.600 with her childhood as far as food goes. But as 0:18:33.640 --> 0:18:37.080 I've gotten older, I took that word diet out out 0:18:37.119 --> 0:18:40.159 of my vocabulary. I don't use oh, I'm on a diet. No, 0:18:40.320 --> 0:18:44.080 I'll do fasts, you know, a lot. But as me like, oh, 0:18:44.119 --> 0:18:46.320 I'm gonna diet on, I wanted to do all the 0:18:46.359 --> 0:18:48.680 diets in the world. I wanted that fast magical pill 0:18:48.720 --> 0:18:50.720 that was gonna make me lose weight real quick. And 0:18:50.760 --> 0:18:53.360 I wanted everything so quickly, so fast. And that's kind 0:18:53.359 --> 0:18:55.159 of the world that we live in anyways, Like we 0:18:55.200 --> 0:18:59.960 all want that quick fix, and I've learned that it's longevity. 0:18:59.000 --> 0:19:03.639 It's a choice. I can either have steak with vegetables 0:19:03.880 --> 0:19:06.919 or I can have steak with macaroni and cheese and 0:19:07.000 --> 0:19:10.840 mashed potatoes. And I'm like, no, I'll taste it because 0:19:10.880 --> 0:19:13.639 I don't want to deprive myself, because depriving myself as 0:19:13.640 --> 0:19:18.960 a child didn't work, get it backfired, And now I'm like, 0:19:19.000 --> 0:19:22.320 I'll have a little bit of everything. But in reality, 0:19:22.359 --> 0:19:25.760 I want to feel good. I'm fueling my body. My 0:19:25.800 --> 0:19:29.200 body needs nutrients, not just I want to feel good 0:19:29.240 --> 0:19:32.919 right now. It's really making that choice and knowing that 0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:35.080 it's a lifestyle, and that took a long time. Ticket 0:19:35.119 --> 0:19:38.720 to that point and serve myself a little bit, because 0:19:38.760 --> 0:19:40.920 even when I was on a diet, I would eat 0:19:40.960 --> 0:19:42.880 a lot of the good stuff and that's not good either. 0:19:43.480 --> 0:19:46.840 Another thing I need. Before I didn't want to weigh myself. 0:19:46.880 --> 0:19:49.000 I'm like, no, I'm not weighing myself. The scale is 0:19:49.000 --> 0:19:51.359 not my freaking friend. Now I'm like, the scale is 0:19:51.400 --> 0:19:53.600 my friend. The scale wants to tell me. It's all numbers. 0:19:53.680 --> 0:19:57.040 Numbers don't lie to you. If I'm not eating well, 0:19:57.160 --> 0:19:59.200 if I'm not taking care of myself, it's going to 0:19:59.240 --> 0:20:01.200 show on the scale. And that's just the truth of it. 0:20:01.359 --> 0:20:03.600 When before I would just I don't want to think 0:20:03.600 --> 0:20:06.560 about it. Now I have a healthier relationship with the 0:20:06.600 --> 0:20:08.080 scale as well. I'm like, okay, once a week, I'm 0:20:08.119 --> 0:20:11.120 a visit your ass a little scale because I want 0:20:11.119 --> 0:20:13.639 to keep myself in check. You know. But it's a lifestyle. 0:20:13.800 --> 0:20:17.840 It went from diet to lifestyle and it's really it's 0:20:17.920 --> 0:20:20.560 changed my life. And don't be afraid to indulge here 0:20:20.600 --> 0:20:23.480 and there, Like Monday through Friday, I'm gonna eat as 0:20:23.520 --> 0:20:25.680 healthy as I possibly can because I want to feel 0:20:25.720 --> 0:20:28.400 good because it's a lifestyle. But on Saturday and Sunday, 0:20:28.480 --> 0:20:29.960 I'm going to give myself. You know, I want to 0:20:29.960 --> 0:20:31.800 have a little pizza and I'm gonna have three slices. 0:20:31.840 --> 0:20:41.440 I'll have one. You know, it's all just in moderation, guys. 0:20:47.680 --> 0:20:52.240 The next one is marriage. Okay, my relationship with a marriage. 0:20:52.320 --> 0:20:54.439 For a long time, I didn't never wanted to get married. 0:20:55.160 --> 0:21:00.359 I had this negative idea of marriage and how it 0:21:00.480 --> 0:21:03.560 just didn't work and how husbands cheated on their wives. 0:21:04.880 --> 0:21:09.639 I saw it in my family, almost all my family, 0:21:10.359 --> 0:21:13.600 and it made me very scared. The relationships my mom's 0:21:13.600 --> 0:21:20.240 relationships didn't work. And for a long time, I feel 0:21:20.240 --> 0:21:22.359 like I never was that girl. Was that like, oh 0:21:22.400 --> 0:21:24.399 I want to get married and I dreamt about my 0:21:24.760 --> 0:21:27.359 wedding and the wedding dress. I was never that girl. 0:21:30.200 --> 0:21:36.600 And then then I got married the first time, and 0:21:38.720 --> 0:21:43.919 I thought that I was ready. I wanted to be ready. 0:21:45.280 --> 0:21:49.800 I just and I ignored a lot of red flags. 0:21:50.280 --> 0:21:53.000 So I can't blame that person completely. There's things that 0:21:53.080 --> 0:21:57.720 I take full responsibility for. But after that relationship and 0:21:57.720 --> 0:22:00.520 how it ended, I really was like, you know, what, 0:22:00.560 --> 0:22:03.560 marriage is just not for me. It's just not for me. 0:22:04.640 --> 0:22:09.400 I want to have a different boyfriend every year, because 0:22:09.440 --> 0:22:13.120 the first year of every relationship is the best. It's 0:22:13.160 --> 0:22:16.280 the first Valentine's, the first birthday, everything, The first was 0:22:16.359 --> 0:22:20.560 just so exciting, Like I love that feeling of being 0:22:21.359 --> 0:22:25.040 courted of when that guy is just trying to do 0:22:25.080 --> 0:22:27.240 everything to impress you. I love that. So that's why 0:22:27.280 --> 0:22:30.000 after that, I was like, I want a different boyfriend 0:22:30.280 --> 0:22:33.800 every year because that's it. I'm not gonna give my 0:22:33.800 --> 0:22:39.960 heart to anyone. Until I started saying, Okay, in reality, 0:22:40.040 --> 0:22:42.600 I want to be in a relationship. Being single is 0:22:42.640 --> 0:22:47.840 just has never really been for me because I like 0:22:47.920 --> 0:22:50.920 that partnership, that companionship I want to do. I want 0:22:50.920 --> 0:22:53.439 to go to the grocery store with that one person, 0:22:53.520 --> 0:22:56.320 like I do better in relationships. So when I realized that, 0:22:56.320 --> 0:22:59.920 I'm like, Okay, this is unrealistic. Like I don't want 0:23:00.080 --> 0:23:04.959 like three thousand freaking notches under my belt. That's not 0:23:04.960 --> 0:23:07.199 cute either. So I'm like, okay, what am I gonna do? 0:23:07.880 --> 0:23:12.679 So I went to therapy and I I stopped looking 0:23:12.760 --> 0:23:17.639 outside of myself, and what does that mean? I'm like, 0:23:19.000 --> 0:23:21.120 I want to heal myself. I want to be better 0:23:21.119 --> 0:23:23.280