1 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:14,120 Speaker 1: What Up? Everyone? Welcome to Cheeky's and Chill, your favorite podcast. 2 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:17,640 Speaker 1: Thank you for coming back again to listen to learn 3 00:00:17,760 --> 00:00:21,240 Speaker 1: to Grow. Today's episode will be just you and I, 4 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:24,280 Speaker 1: the mic and I and I'm going to be talking 5 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:27,520 Speaker 1: about evolution. I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately, 6 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:31,680 Speaker 1: and I've realized that I've changed quite a bit and 7 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,239 Speaker 1: I've grown a lot, not necessarily as an artist, but 8 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,479 Speaker 1: as a human being. And that's what i want to 9 00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,440 Speaker 1: talk about, because I always say this, we are evolving creatures. 10 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,120 Speaker 1: We are meant to change, we are meant to grow 11 00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:47,080 Speaker 1: to mature, and I've realized that I've done quite a 12 00:00:47,159 --> 00:00:49,519 Speaker 1: bit of it in many areas of my life, and 13 00:00:49,560 --> 00:00:54,720 Speaker 1: I want to talk about these topics in different seasons, 14 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:58,120 Speaker 1: in different ages of my life. The first one is 15 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:04,280 Speaker 1: mental health. I can tell you that right now, as 16 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 1: I'm older, in my thirties, it's been like back and 17 00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:09,960 Speaker 1: forth for sure, where I feel like I'm good and 18 00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:14,399 Speaker 1: then I'm not good, and then it's thirties have been beautiful, 19 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:18,679 Speaker 1: but very like I don't even know how to explain it, 20 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:22,080 Speaker 1: especially with mental health. It's something that people speak about 21 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:25,520 Speaker 1: more like we hear about it more often people are 22 00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:28,000 Speaker 1: feeling a little bit more vulnerable. I guess to speak 23 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:30,560 Speaker 1: about it, which I think is a great thing. So 24 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:33,119 Speaker 1: I think that's why I've realized that my mental health, 25 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:38,959 Speaker 1: especially in like my thirties, has been more prominent. I 26 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:44,360 Speaker 1: want to say Obviously, in my teens, I didn't really 27 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,520 Speaker 1: think about that. I didn't really know if I was sad. 28 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,680 Speaker 1: I was sad and there was a reason. Now I 29 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,440 Speaker 1: feel like as i'm older, sometimes there's no reason and 30 00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:55,320 Speaker 1: I'm just a little like sad and I have no 31 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,880 Speaker 1: there's nothing that necessarily triggered it. I don't know if 32 00:01:57,920 --> 00:02:00,560 Speaker 1: it's hormones. I don't I have no idea, but I 33 00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:04,520 Speaker 1: want to say that now I've dealt with mental health 34 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:06,840 Speaker 1: in a different way. Now I know, Okay, i'm a 35 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:08,760 Speaker 1: little sad. I'm not going to let this turn in 36 00:02:08,800 --> 00:02:12,440 Speaker 1: two weeks of sadness. I'm just going to feel it. 37 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:14,680 Speaker 1: I'm going to try to figure out. I'm going to 38 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,200 Speaker 1: read a book, I'm going to do something that's going 39 00:02:16,280 --> 00:02:21,280 Speaker 1: to make me feel better. But obviously, when my mom 40 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:26,239 Speaker 1: was here, I feel like in a way I was happier. 41 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:30,000 Speaker 1: I was more confused. I didn't know exactly where I 42 00:02:30,120 --> 00:02:32,520 Speaker 1: was going to go what I wanted to accomplish in life. 43 00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:39,320 Speaker 1: But I wasn't like I don't know. I guess I 44 00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:44,399 Speaker 1: was oblivious to it, and I just if I was sad, 45 00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:45,799 Speaker 1: there was a reason, there was something that I had, 46 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:47,880 Speaker 1: maybe an argument with my mom and I or whatever 47 00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:50,600 Speaker 1: the case may be. But obviously my life changed so 48 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:54,000 Speaker 1: much after my mom passed away, and that's when I 49 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,560 Speaker 1: feel like I learned, oh, this is what depression is, 50 00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,959 Speaker 1: a little bit before she passed away. But I'm grateful 51 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 1: now that I know about therapy, that I know what 52 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:07,720 Speaker 1: makes me feel better. I know what self care is, 53 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,160 Speaker 1: what self love is, and it's a huge priority in 54 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:12,520 Speaker 1: my life, and that's how I deal with it. I've 55 00:03:12,680 --> 00:03:18,000 Speaker 1: realized that this is just part of life and we 56 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:21,080 Speaker 1: can't escape it. There's so much going on in the 57 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:24,320 Speaker 1: world that all we can do is find tools to 58 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,840 Speaker 1: deal with it. And that's kind of where I'm at. 59 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,440 Speaker 1: That's my relationship with mental health now. But in my 60 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:35,960 Speaker 1: younger years, quite frankly, it's very different. I didn't know 61 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:37,840 Speaker 1: what it was. I didn't know what depression was, what 62 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:41,320 Speaker 1: anxiety was. Now I hear about it more. Now I 63 00:03:41,320 --> 00:03:44,400 Speaker 1: can recognize it and that's how I deal with it now. 64 00:03:44,600 --> 00:03:47,920 Speaker 1: But I think it's it's very important to come to 65 00:03:48,040 --> 00:03:50,840 Speaker 1: terms with the fact that we are not the only ones. 66 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:55,760 Speaker 1: You're not alone in this. We all have. I think 67 00:03:56,200 --> 00:04:02,000 Speaker 1: maybe even after the pandemic, that's where I feel a 68 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:05,960 Speaker 1: lot of us were uncertain about the future and anxiety 69 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 1: kicked in and depression. But I think it's important to 70 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:13,280 Speaker 1: figure out what works for you. What maybe works for 71 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,240 Speaker 1: me may not work for you. Like there's some when 72 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,080 Speaker 1: I'm sad and I'm just like I'm gonna lay in 73 00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:18,960 Speaker 1: bed and I'm gonna take a nap. I'm gonna put 74 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:22,120 Speaker 1: some sleepy music on and that makes me feel better sometimes, 75 00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:24,480 Speaker 1: or I'm gonna take a bath. It's important to kind 76 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:27,680 Speaker 1: of grow and learn whatever it is that works for 77 00:04:27,839 --> 00:04:32,200 Speaker 1: you. You know, healthy things though, because for a long time 78 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:38,520 Speaker 1: in my early thirties, late nine, late twenties, early thirties, 79 00:04:38,839 --> 00:04:41,200 Speaker 1: I realized that I was trying to cover up my 80 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,919 Speaker 1: sadness with alcohol, and I was suppressing my feelings and 81 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,560 Speaker 1: trying to numb certain things and just get through the 82 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:52,080 Speaker 1: day or get through work. And I was drinking a lot. 83 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,880 Speaker 1: And that's not healthy either. So just make sure they're 84 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:59,440 Speaker 1: healthy things, you know, learned healthy stuff. Okay, Oh my 85 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:05,279 Speaker 1: relationship with my mom, Okay, how have I evolved in 86 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:09,400 Speaker 1: that area? Well, Well, for a very long time. When 87 00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:13,960 Speaker 1: I was, you know, a child, teenager, I was very 88 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,160 Speaker 1: I guess you could say, afraid of my mom. I 89 00:05:16,240 --> 00:05:19,640 Speaker 1: never wanted to disappoint her. I was afraid to be 90 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:24,720 Speaker 1: myself completely. I felt like I couldn't because she was 91 00:05:24,839 --> 00:05:29,279 Speaker 1: like the queen of my world, and I never wanted 92 00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:33,800 Speaker 1: to show her the real me because I didn't know 93 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,560 Speaker 1: if she would like me. So I was for a 94 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:38,680 Speaker 1: long time trying to be everything she needed me to be. 95 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:41,840 Speaker 1: And so when I could be myself around my friends 96 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,120 Speaker 1: or people, I did feel I guess more comfortable around 97 00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:48,719 Speaker 1: I remember her telling me, you know you're fake. But 98 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:51,360 Speaker 1: it wasn't that. I was just more. I was just afraid, 99 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:57,920 Speaker 1: and that came with my people pleasing, with seeking her approval, 100 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:04,000 Speaker 1: and I never really had the chance to show her 101 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:07,159 Speaker 1: who I really am. I don't think I was able 102 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,919 Speaker 1: to step into my own power until after she was gone, 103 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:17,120 Speaker 1: and that makes me a little sad because I think 104 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:21,400 Speaker 1: when I moved out that same year my mom passed away, 105 00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,919 Speaker 1: we were able to have a mother daughter relationship, but 106 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:28,479 Speaker 1: for my entire life, it was if it wasn't for 107 00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,760 Speaker 1: the kids, my siblings, it was for one of our businesses, 108 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,960 Speaker 1: and there was always business with my mom. So I 109 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,080 Speaker 1: had a very short period of time where we can 110 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:38,440 Speaker 1: actually go to lunch and go get our nails done. 111 00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:44,120 Speaker 1: I want to say, like maybe four months, five months, 112 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:50,480 Speaker 1: five months of my entire life guys to experience that 113 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:53,040 Speaker 1: mother daughter relationship. And I'm not gonna lie, it was 114 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,479 Speaker 1: a little awkward. I'm like, oh, I'm at lunch with 115 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:55,760 Speaker 1: my mom and we're gonna go get our nails. And 116 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:57,280 Speaker 1: it was like we didn't even know what to talk about, 117 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:00,479 Speaker 1: because you know, she really wanted me to spread my 118 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,679 Speaker 1: wings and I didn't know anything else other than taking 119 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,400 Speaker 1: care of her and my siblings. So it was very awkward, 120 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,360 Speaker 1: but it was very nice to kind of step back 121 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:09,640 Speaker 1: and be like, oh, I can talk to my mom 122 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:15,600 Speaker 1: about things, you know. And now, obviously as I've gotten 123 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 1: older and i'm you know, in my career and stuff, 124 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:25,720 Speaker 1: I am more considerate, I guess, more compassionate of her 125 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:29,840 Speaker 1: feelings and how she was and not necessarily be so 126 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,480 Speaker 1: like critique her so much because now I know what 127 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,800 Speaker 1: it is to be a woman and to be in 128 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:39,080 Speaker 1: this industry and to feel the pressure that I'm sure 129 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,280 Speaker 1: she felt, which made her the woman and the mother 130 00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:45,280 Speaker 1: that she was because she was a single mother. So 131 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:48,840 Speaker 1: now it's different now. Instead of being upset at her, 132 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:53,480 Speaker 1: I'm more of like, I understand you, mom. It comes 133 00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:56,440 Speaker 1: with age, It comes with going through your own experiences 134 00:07:56,800 --> 00:08:00,800 Speaker 1: through therapy where you just completely let all of your 135 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 1: feelings and you're able to have someone with an unbiased 136 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:08,120 Speaker 1: opinion step in and let you and help you see 137 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:13,040 Speaker 1: things like from another angle. And it took a while, 138 00:08:13,240 --> 00:08:15,240 Speaker 1: because again I've told you guys so much here on 139 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:17,600 Speaker 1: the podcast. I was very upset with my mom for 140 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:20,200 Speaker 1: a long time with how things were left and I 141 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,640 Speaker 1: was left to clean up the mess and try to 142 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,840 Speaker 1: figure it out. But all that stuff, everything that happened, 143 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:30,280 Speaker 1: really like kicked things into gear for me where I was. 144 00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:34,280 Speaker 1: I had to step into my own power and protect 145 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,959 Speaker 1: myself when I would always look for my mom to 146 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:40,920 Speaker 1: protect me, you know. And it's been it's been a 147 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,920 Speaker 1: hell of a ride, guys. These past twelve years have 148 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:48,559 Speaker 1: been insane, and I've grown so much, and now more 149 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,520 Speaker 1: than anything, I'm like I had the perfect mom, Like 150 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,679 Speaker 1: I had the perfect mom for the type of child 151 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,360 Speaker 1: I was, for the type of teenager I was, for 152 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,840 Speaker 1: the woman I am today, and I needed to be. 153 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:04,320 Speaker 1: I'm grateful and instead of being upset and pointing fingers 154 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 1: at her, I'm like, you know what, she was just 155 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,120 Speaker 1: out there doing her best, and I did live a 156 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,160 Speaker 1: long time. Even while she was here, I was kind 157 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,640 Speaker 1: of mad. I was like, dude, why why am I 158 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:14,240 Speaker 1: the oldest? Why do I have to be so responsible? 159 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:16,000 Speaker 1: Why do I have to do this? And now I'm like, 160 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:19,560 Speaker 1: thank you, thank you so much that everything that I 161 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,080 Speaker 1: went through and how tough she was with me, and 162 00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,719 Speaker 1: the lessons that she taught me, even till the very 163 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:28,199 Speaker 1: last day where we weren't speaking, it was her still 164 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,160 Speaker 1: teaching me to be the woman I need to be 165 00:09:31,679 --> 00:09:34,480 Speaker 1: without her even knowing. Like, it's like the craziest thing, 166 00:09:34,679 --> 00:09:37,080 Speaker 1: and it takes a lot of healing guys to get 167 00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:40,599 Speaker 1: to that point. Because I could sit here and be like, 168 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:42,079 Speaker 1: oh my god, this happened to me and I could 169 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,960 Speaker 1: be sad and like, yes, I was very sad for 170 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,040 Speaker 1: a long time, but I wanted to step out of 171 00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,400 Speaker 1: that and I wanted to grow out of it, and 172 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:51,920 Speaker 1: all I can do is just thank God and thank 173 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,559 Speaker 1: my mom. And I wouldn't change anything, as crazy as 174 00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,640 Speaker 1: it sounds, because of so many things that I've been 175 00:09:56,640 --> 00:10:01,679 Speaker 1: through and how hard things were when she left, I'm 176 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,360 Speaker 1: grateful because it really put this fire within me to 177 00:10:05,559 --> 00:10:08,760 Speaker 1: just want to be my best self, to make changes, 178 00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:15,440 Speaker 1: to be different. And yeah, it's crazy to think about. 179 00:10:15,559 --> 00:10:17,120 Speaker 1: I mean, we don't have enough time to get into 180 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:19,640 Speaker 1: all the details, but that's my relationship and how I 181 00:10:19,679 --> 00:10:24,280 Speaker 1: have evolved. Thinking of just the relationship of my mom, 182 00:10:24,679 --> 00:10:28,040 Speaker 1: or with my mom, should I say so? Not us 183 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:44,840 Speaker 1: crying now? My relationship with my dad. Ooh, that one's 184 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,960 Speaker 1: a little tough because I didn't spend a lot of 185 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:50,120 Speaker 1: time with my dad. I think my dad was out 186 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,520 Speaker 1: of my life when I was twelve for ten years. 187 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:58,199 Speaker 1: It was on the run, and all I really remember 188 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:02,440 Speaker 1: is him being a pretty good dad. You know, it's 189 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:06,680 Speaker 1: weird because I should be quote unquote, I should have 190 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:09,240 Speaker 1: been more upset with my dad because of what he 191 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:13,160 Speaker 1: did because he sexually molested me, right, But I never 192 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:19,040 Speaker 1: really was, and that's weird, especially when it happened. I 193 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:24,400 Speaker 1: don't know if it's trauma. I don't know, but I 194 00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:29,440 Speaker 1: really was never upset with my dad. I was always 195 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 1: more mad at my mom. And then that change, or 196 00:11:33,840 --> 00:11:37,600 Speaker 1: my mom passed away, then I suddenly became very upset 197 00:11:37,640 --> 00:11:40,040 Speaker 1: at my dad because he wanted to kind of step 198 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,760 Speaker 1: in and say, hey, I'm here. And I'm like, well, 199 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,040 Speaker 1: why now now that my mom's not here, you think 200 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:47,079 Speaker 1: you could take advantage and manipulate us, That's what I thought, 201 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,520 Speaker 1: not knowing that he was like, Hey, I just feel 202 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:54,840 Speaker 1: bad I wasn't a present father. Your mother's no longer here. 203 00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:58,520 Speaker 1: I feel like I need to at least let you 204 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,679 Speaker 1: know I'm here for you and you're seeings and it 205 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,640 Speaker 1: hurts me that you guys are going through this. And 206 00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,880 Speaker 1: I didn't see it that way. I just became very angry, 207 00:12:06,040 --> 00:12:08,559 Speaker 1: like I wanted like I was like, no, don't get 208 00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:12,560 Speaker 1: near me. I was. I'm telling you, I was so upset. 209 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:18,000 Speaker 1: Twenty thirteen was the I was just upset at the world. 210 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:20,320 Speaker 1: And the crazy thing is I forgave my dad a 211 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:23,120 Speaker 1: long time ago. He didn't ask for forgiveness until just recently, 212 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:26,480 Speaker 1: but I had already forgiven him. And I don't know. 213 00:12:26,640 --> 00:12:28,600 Speaker 1: I think the relationship with my dad is just it's 214 00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:31,559 Speaker 1: just weird. I don't know where it is now. I 215 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:36,480 Speaker 1: do feel better because he asked me for forgiveness, because 216 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:40,520 Speaker 1: we are on talking terms. We're cordial with one another. 217 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:45,120 Speaker 1: And I'm very proud of myself for that because I 218 00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,960 Speaker 1: never held a grudge and I have my mom. I 219 00:12:48,040 --> 00:12:50,320 Speaker 1: owe my mom that because my mom was a very 220 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:54,959 Speaker 1: forgiving woman and she taught me that to forgive. And 221 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:59,080 Speaker 1: I think that's why. Like, she never told me to 222 00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:02,720 Speaker 1: hate my dad. You know. She always said, when you 223 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:04,840 Speaker 1: guys are older, and when the time is right, I 224 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,720 Speaker 1: will take you. I will take you to go see 225 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:08,800 Speaker 1: your dad. She would tell Jackie that a lot of Jackie, 226 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:11,719 Speaker 1: my sister, would cry a lot for him. But anyways, 227 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:14,000 Speaker 1: I don't know that with my dad. It's like I 228 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 1: still have yet to figure out what's going to happen 229 00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:19,160 Speaker 1: from here on out. Now that we he apologized, now 230 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:24,000 Speaker 1: that he recognized what he did, I don't know if 231 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,959 Speaker 1: I necessarily want a relationship or need a relationship with him, 232 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:30,319 Speaker 1: I don't know. I still have yet to figure that out. 233 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:31,600 Speaker 1: So I have to get back to you guys on that. 234 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:33,280 Speaker 1: But I have a lot of peace in my heart 235 00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:38,400 Speaker 1: when it comes to him. I don't judge him. I'm 236 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:41,120 Speaker 1: no one to judge. I'm like, God, that is that's 237 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:45,199 Speaker 1: what you gotta do, you know. But now I feel 238 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,880 Speaker 1: it feels nice to have peace with both my parents, 239 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:50,520 Speaker 1: with my mom and my dad. And I think just 240 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,000 Speaker 1: having that, even if they're not physically with me and 241 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:57,200 Speaker 1: in my life every day, just finding peace within myself 242 00:13:57,320 --> 00:14:00,960 Speaker 1: to have peace with them and step back and try 243 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,520 Speaker 1: to put myself in their shoes has helped me heal 244 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:07,720 Speaker 1: so much. So it feels so nice to have peace 245 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:11,360 Speaker 1: with my mother and with my father. It's like the 246 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:14,559 Speaker 1: best gift that I've I don't know. This year has 247 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,679 Speaker 1: been a tough year, but it also has given me 248 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,360 Speaker 1: so many gifts, and I'm that's one of them that 249 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:27,200 Speaker 1: I'm like, finally, finally, I'm like, I could rest in 250 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:32,760 Speaker 1: knowing that I didn't have the most horrible parents. You know, 251 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:35,280 Speaker 1: they were, you know, my dad just I don't know. 252 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,680 Speaker 1: I can't speak for my dad. I don't know. That's 253 00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,800 Speaker 1: a hard one. But anyways, have peace, so that that's good, 254 00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:44,080 Speaker 1: that's evil, that's evolving and growing and maturing and not 255 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,840 Speaker 1: holding resentment with either one of them. Oh my gosh, 256 00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:51,000 Speaker 1: it's so liberating. So liberating. Okay, so this is a 257 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:58,800 Speaker 1: good one. Relationship with food, oh m G. That has 258 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:03,720 Speaker 1: definitely been a topic of conversation since I was very young. 259 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:10,360 Speaker 1: I think I noticed that I had an issue with food. 260 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:13,480 Speaker 1: My relationship with food, I must have been around I 261 00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:17,440 Speaker 1: don't know, ten years old, maybe when I started gaining 262 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:23,480 Speaker 1: weight and realizing that I didn't look like all the 263 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,720 Speaker 1: rest of the little girls at school. You know, they 264 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:28,920 Speaker 1: were thin and I was always thick. I could literally 265 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,800 Speaker 1: wear my mom's clothes at that age. At ten, I 266 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:35,000 Speaker 1: would share clothes with my mom, and I think it 267 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,520 Speaker 1: had to do Now through therapy, I've realized that the 268 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:42,480 Speaker 1: relationship with food has been because I think since the 269 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:45,440 Speaker 1: sexual abuse, you know, and it made me feel good. 270 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:47,920 Speaker 1: Food made me feel good and I would forget about 271 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:51,240 Speaker 1: everything because food was just delicious. I didn't realize that until, like, 272 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:57,080 Speaker 1: I don't know, a few years ago. But also I 273 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:00,720 Speaker 1: had a lot of issues with constipation, still deal with that. 274 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,600 Speaker 1: I don't know if you guys understand me. But it 275 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,800 Speaker 1: also has to do with me holding things in for 276 00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:06,720 Speaker 1: so long, which is why I love my podcast so much, 277 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,120 Speaker 1: because I'm able to just speak about everything and anything 278 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,800 Speaker 1: but for a long time I didn't. I kept in 279 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:16,400 Speaker 1: a lot of things, and that also affected my relationship 280 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:20,920 Speaker 1: with food. But now I could tell you, as I've 281 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,800 Speaker 1: gotten older, I used to just feel like, oh, I 282 00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:28,040 Speaker 1: can eat whatever I want, and you know, I'm young 283 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:31,400 Speaker 1: and it's not going to affect me. That was my 284 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:36,040 Speaker 1: thinking in my twenties, even my early thirties. Now I 285 00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:40,280 Speaker 1: can tell you that I've realized that I can eat 286 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:44,800 Speaker 1: anything that I want. It's all in moderation, in portions, 287 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:50,840 Speaker 1: and also picking things that are going to fuel my 288 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:55,320 Speaker 1: body instead of making me feel good temporarily. And that 289 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:59,120 Speaker 1: took a long time to really say this is a lifestyle. 290 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:02,120 Speaker 1: I was all about diets for so long. But that 291 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:05,040 Speaker 1: also came from my mom. I think my mom suffered 292 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:08,760 Speaker 1: with her weight, and you know, and that's her obviously 293 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,359 Speaker 1: story to tell, and I you know, but I know 294 00:17:11,440 --> 00:17:16,600 Speaker 1: that my mom had this dark cloud over her all 295 00:17:16,640 --> 00:17:18,960 Speaker 1: the time that you know, I need to lose weight 296 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:23,320 Speaker 1: and my kids can't be big, and she I think 297 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:26,840 Speaker 1: we all have this relationship with food because in our 298 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:30,760 Speaker 1: household we felt so limited for so long. It was 299 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:34,680 Speaker 1: you know, imagine being an eleven year old kid and 300 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,399 Speaker 1: all you can drink is non fat milk. I couldn't 301 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:39,240 Speaker 1: even have two percent, Like it was like a thing. 302 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:43,080 Speaker 1: And so we would sneak food. I would sneak food 303 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:46,399 Speaker 1: my stepdad, Johnny and Jenica's dad. He would go to 304 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:48,439 Speaker 1: the story. He's like, I'm gonna go pup gas. Do 305 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:50,920 Speaker 1: you want something because he knew my mom didn't let 306 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:54,360 Speaker 1: us have treats. So he would bring me a brownie 307 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:56,240 Speaker 1: or he would bring me chips and I would hide them. 308 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,520 Speaker 1: I was like a closet eater because my mom was 309 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,320 Speaker 1: I don't want my kids to be fat because I 310 00:18:01,359 --> 00:18:03,040 Speaker 1: suffered with that and I don't want them to suffer. 311 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:09,760 Speaker 1: But without her knowing, it like backfired because we were 312 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:12,399 Speaker 1: doing it. Like at school, I would go across the 313 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:14,119 Speaker 1: street and have chili chesec because I know I wouldn't 314 00:18:14,119 --> 00:18:15,719 Speaker 1: be able to have that around my mom. So I 315 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,280 Speaker 1: was like hiding. And now that I speak to my siblings, 316 00:18:19,200 --> 00:18:21,159 Speaker 1: they also would do the same thing. Jackie too. She 317 00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:22,520 Speaker 1: would wake up in the middle of the night, she said, 318 00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,800 Speaker 1: and she would eat, you know, and sneak her food. 319 00:18:25,359 --> 00:18:28,520 Speaker 1: And I don't I'm not mad at my mom because again, 320 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:30,640 Speaker 1: she had her own things that she was dealing with 321 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,600 Speaker 1: with her childhood as far as food goes. But as 322 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:37,080 Speaker 1: I've gotten older, I took that word diet out out 323 00:18:37,119 --> 00:18:40,159 Speaker 1: of my vocabulary. I don't use oh, I'm on a diet. No, 324 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:44,080 Speaker 1: I'll do fasts, you know, a lot. But as me like, oh, 325 00:18:44,119 --> 00:18:46,320 Speaker 1: I'm gonna diet on, I wanted to do all the 326 00:18:46,359 --> 00:18:48,680 Speaker 1: diets in the world. I wanted that fast magical pill 327 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:50,720 Speaker 1: that was gonna make me lose weight real quick. And 328 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,360 Speaker 1: I wanted everything so quickly, so fast. And that's kind 329 00:18:53,359 --> 00:18:55,159 Speaker 1: of the world that we live in anyways, Like we 330 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:59,960 Speaker 1: all want that quick fix, and I've learned that it's longevity. 331 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:03,639 Speaker 1: It's a choice. I can either have steak with vegetables 332 00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:06,919 Speaker 1: or I can have steak with macaroni and cheese and 333 00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:10,840 Speaker 1: mashed potatoes. And I'm like, no, I'll taste it because 334 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,639 Speaker 1: I don't want to deprive myself, because depriving myself as 335 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:18,960 Speaker 1: a child didn't work, get it backfired, And now I'm like, 336 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,320 Speaker 1: I'll have a little bit of everything. But in reality, 337 00:19:22,359 --> 00:19:25,760 Speaker 1: I want to feel good. I'm fueling my body. My 338 00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:29,200 Speaker 1: body needs nutrients, not just I want to feel good 339 00:19:29,240 --> 00:19:32,919 Speaker 1: right now. It's really making that choice and knowing that 340 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,080 Speaker 1: it's a lifestyle, and that took a long time. Ticket 341 00:19:35,119 --> 00:19:38,720 Speaker 1: to that point and serve myself a little bit, because 342 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,920 Speaker 1: even when I was on a diet, I would eat 343 00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:42,880 Speaker 1: a lot of the good stuff and that's not good either. 344 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:46,840 Speaker 1: Another thing I need. Before I didn't want to weigh myself. 345 00:19:46,880 --> 00:19:49,000 Speaker 1: I'm like, no, I'm not weighing myself. The scale is 346 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,359 Speaker 1: not my freaking friend. Now I'm like, the scale is 347 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,600 Speaker 1: my friend. The scale wants to tell me. It's all numbers. 348 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:57,040 Speaker 1: Numbers don't lie to you. If I'm not eating well, 349 00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,200 Speaker 1: if I'm not taking care of myself, it's going to 350 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,200 Speaker 1: show on the scale. And that's just the truth of it. 351 00:20:01,359 --> 00:20:03,600 Speaker 1: When before I would just I don't want to think 352 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:06,560 Speaker 1: about it. Now I have a healthier relationship with the 353 00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:08,080 Speaker 1: scale as well. I'm like, okay, once a week, I'm 354 00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:11,120 Speaker 1: a visit your ass a little scale because I want 355 00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:13,639 Speaker 1: to keep myself in check. You know. But it's a lifestyle. 356 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:17,840 Speaker 1: It went from diet to lifestyle and it's really it's 357 00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:20,560 Speaker 1: changed my life. And don't be afraid to indulge here 358 00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:23,480 Speaker 1: and there, Like Monday through Friday, I'm gonna eat as 359 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:25,680 Speaker 1: healthy as I possibly can because I want to feel 360 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:28,400 Speaker 1: good because it's a lifestyle. But on Saturday and Sunday, 361 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 1: I'm going to give myself. You know, I want to 362 00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,800 Speaker 1: have a little pizza and I'm gonna have three slices. 363 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:41,440 Speaker 1: I'll have one. You know, it's all just in moderation, guys. 364 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:52,240 Speaker 1: The next one is marriage. Okay, my relationship with a marriage. 365 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,439 Speaker 1: For a long time, I didn't never wanted to get married. 366 00:20:55,160 --> 00:21:00,359 Speaker 1: I had this negative idea of marriage and how it 367 00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:03,560 Speaker 1: just didn't work and how husbands cheated on their wives. 368 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:09,639 Speaker 1: I saw it in my family, almost all my family, 369 00:21:10,359 --> 00:21:13,600 Speaker 1: and it made me very scared. The relationships my mom's 370 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:20,240 Speaker 1: relationships didn't work. And for a long time, I feel 371 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,359 Speaker 1: like I never was that girl. Was that like, oh 372 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:24,399 Speaker 1: I want to get married and I dreamt about my 373 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,359 Speaker 1: wedding and the wedding dress. I was never that girl. 374 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:36,600 Speaker 1: And then then I got married the first time, and 375 00:21:38,720 --> 00:21:43,919 Speaker 1: I thought that I was ready. I wanted to be ready. 376 00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:49,800 Speaker 1: I just and I ignored a lot of red flags. 377 00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:53,000 Speaker 1: So I can't blame that person completely. There's things that 378 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:57,720 Speaker 1: I take full responsibility for. But after that relationship and 379 00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,520 Speaker 1: how it ended, I really was like, you know, what, 380 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:03,560 Speaker 1: marriage is just not for me. It's just not for me. 381 00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:09,400 Speaker 1: I want to have a different boyfriend every year, because 382 00:22:09,440 --> 00:22:13,120 Speaker 1: the first year of every relationship is the best. It's 383 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:16,280 Speaker 1: the first Valentine's, the first birthday, everything, The first was 384 00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:20,560 Speaker 1: just so exciting, Like I love that feeling of being 385 00:22:21,359 --> 00:22:25,040 Speaker 1: courted of when that guy is just trying to do 386 00:22:25,080 --> 00:22:27,240 Speaker 1: everything to impress you. I love that. So that's why 387 00:22:27,280 --> 00:22:30,000 Speaker 1: after that, I was like, I want a different boyfriend 388 00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:33,800 Speaker 1: every year because that's it. I'm not gonna give my 389 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:39,960 Speaker 1: heart to anyone. Until I started saying, Okay, in reality, 390 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:42,600 Speaker 1: I want to be in a relationship. Being single is 391 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:47,840 Speaker 1: just has never really been for me because I like 392 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:50,920 Speaker 1: that partnership, that companionship I want to do. I want 393 00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:53,439 Speaker 1: to go to the grocery store with that one person, 394 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:56,320 Speaker 1: like I do better in relationships. So when I realized that, 395 00:22:56,320 --> 00:22:59,920 Speaker 1: I'm like, Okay, this is unrealistic. Like I don't want 396 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:04,959 Speaker 1: like three thousand freaking notches under my belt. That's not 397 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,199 Speaker 1: cute either. So I'm like, okay, what am I gonna do? 398 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:12,679 Speaker 1: So I went to therapy and I I stopped looking 399 00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:17,639 Speaker 1: outside of myself, and what does that mean? I'm like, 400 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,120 Speaker 1: I want to heal myself. I want to be better 401 00:23:21,119 --> 00:23:23,280 Speaker 1: for Jane. I want to be happy. I want to 402 00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:26,879 Speaker 1: have a healthy relationship. I want to be what I 403 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:29,840 Speaker 1: need to be in a relationship, but for myself and 404 00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:33,399 Speaker 1: I just in the past, I would look at everyone 405 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:36,640 Speaker 1: else except Jane. I thought I was doing everything right 406 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:41,200 Speaker 1: until I realized that I was imperfect. And I think 407 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:44,879 Speaker 1: once I started looking within and saying what can I change? 408 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:47,480 Speaker 1: How can I be better? What do I really want 409 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:52,040 Speaker 1: in a relationship? What don't I want to keep repeating 410 00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:57,320 Speaker 1: the patterns, it all changed and I had to get 411 00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,399 Speaker 1: to the point where I was like, I'm okay with 412 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:04,600 Speaker 1: being alone, with being by myself, but I don't want to. 413 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:08,640 Speaker 1: But if I have to, I will be. And when 414 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:12,320 Speaker 1: I spent time with myself with Janey, I healed a lot. 415 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,679 Speaker 1: I learned a lot, I heard a lot. I just 416 00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:17,479 Speaker 1: all that outside noise. I was like, Okay, I'm not 417 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:20,000 Speaker 1: going to focus on what he's doing and what he 418 00:24:20,119 --> 00:24:23,439 Speaker 1: didn't do and how he hurt me. It is what 419 00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:25,840 Speaker 1: it is. What can I learn from that pain? What 420 00:24:25,880 --> 00:24:30,320 Speaker 1: can I learn from that relationship? And then everything kind 421 00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:34,960 Speaker 1: of change in the thought of marriage. Then it became well, yeah, 422 00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,600 Speaker 1: I believe in love, not every man is the same. 423 00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:43,000 Speaker 1: I'm not the same. You know, we all change. That's 424 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:47,040 Speaker 1: what this whole podcast is about, is evolution. And I 425 00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:50,879 Speaker 1: started opening up to Yeah, I'm down to get married again. 426 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:54,479 Speaker 1: If it happens for me, cool, I would love it. 427 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:56,159 Speaker 1: I'm not going to be like no, I'm never going 428 00:24:56,240 --> 00:24:58,360 Speaker 1: to get married, like I'm blocking. I could be blocking 429 00:24:58,359 --> 00:25:02,840 Speaker 1: myself from something wonderful. And then I met my now husband, 430 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:07,439 Speaker 1: and I'm glad that I went through that process, that 431 00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,119 Speaker 1: I took that time to heal, that I took that 432 00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:14,919 Speaker 1: time to spend with myself, because little did I know 433 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:18,040 Speaker 1: that there was another person that was doing the same 434 00:25:18,080 --> 00:25:21,760 Speaker 1: thing and he had also gone through a lot of things. 435 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:24,320 Speaker 1: So when we came together, we were ready to be 436 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:28,560 Speaker 1: completely honest. We put our cards on the table. We 437 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:31,520 Speaker 1: didn't want to repeat the same patterns. And I think 438 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:35,560 Speaker 1: because I was finally changing and I made the changes 439 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,159 Speaker 1: and I wanted to be the reflection of what I 440 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:42,920 Speaker 1: wanted to attract, That's when things changed, because I feel 441 00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:46,119 Speaker 1: like I found my person where he's been through his 442 00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:48,320 Speaker 1: share of shit. I've been through my share shit, and 443 00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:52,040 Speaker 1: I felt safe again to love and to say, Okay, 444 00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:56,440 Speaker 1: marriage can work. It could work. You guys, I think 445 00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:58,440 Speaker 1: we have this thing of like marriage is hard. I'm 446 00:25:58,440 --> 00:26:02,560 Speaker 1: not saying that it's easy, but it doesn't have to 447 00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:05,760 Speaker 1: be as hard as society makes it or as hard 448 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,639 Speaker 1: as maybe you grow up watching like I did. I 449 00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:11,439 Speaker 1: was like, damn if that marriages don't work, and if 450 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:13,919 Speaker 1: they do their cheating on their wives or a vice versa, 451 00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:15,959 Speaker 1: Like I had this all these stuff and I'm like, wait, 452 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,240 Speaker 1: wait a second, I'm gonna e RaSE that all of it. 453 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,479 Speaker 1: And there's a white canvas and I have the choice 454 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:25,719 Speaker 1: to paint whatever freaking picture I want to paint. Like 455 00:26:26,359 --> 00:26:28,240 Speaker 1: I have the choice, I need them. I need to 456 00:26:28,280 --> 00:26:31,760 Speaker 1: also be willing to make changes in my life to 457 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:35,359 Speaker 1: make this relationship work, this marriage, when before it was 458 00:26:35,359 --> 00:26:36,800 Speaker 1: like it's my world and you live in it. Like 459 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:39,240 Speaker 1: that doesn't work for anything or anyone, especially if you're 460 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:46,520 Speaker 1: in a marriage. My whole mentality, my whole emotional like 461 00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:52,959 Speaker 1: reaction to marriage all changed. But because I was ready 462 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:58,680 Speaker 1: to say I I want this, okay. So another one forgiveness. 463 00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:01,280 Speaker 1: I kind of talked about it a little bit with 464 00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:04,239 Speaker 1: like my whole my dad, that whole situation. Forgiveness has 465 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:07,520 Speaker 1: been something that has been so easy for me to 466 00:27:07,560 --> 00:27:10,680 Speaker 1: be honest to just I forgive and I have forgotten 467 00:27:10,680 --> 00:27:16,919 Speaker 1: to a fault. Because sometimes some people say, keep a 468 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,440 Speaker 1: note of of what people have done to you, because 469 00:27:19,520 --> 00:27:24,159 Speaker 1: that way doesn't continue to happen. I have not. I 470 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,960 Speaker 1: haven't kept like a record of it. I had to 471 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:32,879 Speaker 1: start doing that with, you know, in one of my relationships, 472 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,960 Speaker 1: because I'm like, wait, I can't forget everything that this 473 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,080 Speaker 1: person has done, because then it's I just go back 474 00:27:37,119 --> 00:27:43,440 Speaker 1: into the same cycle, you know. But now I can 475 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:50,800 Speaker 1: tell you now, right now, forgiveness. I think forgiveness is important. 476 00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:54,480 Speaker 1: I think I always tell you guys, it's a gift 477 00:27:54,680 --> 00:27:57,679 Speaker 1: for yourself, not necessarily for the other person, even if 478 00:27:57,720 --> 00:27:59,960 Speaker 1: they never ask for forgiveness. I think it is import 479 00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:04,080 Speaker 1: weren't for you to forgive and just not hold that resentment. 480 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:09,919 Speaker 1: Now I've learned to forgive and not necessarily need you 481 00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:16,199 Speaker 1: in my life, when before it was I didn't have boundaries. 482 00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:18,200 Speaker 1: It was I forgive you and then you come back, 483 00:28:18,240 --> 00:28:20,280 Speaker 1: and it's like and I still struggle with it a 484 00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:22,200 Speaker 1: little bit with certain people in my life that I 485 00:28:22,240 --> 00:28:25,040 Speaker 1: have done some pretty messed up things and I still 486 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:29,000 Speaker 1: allow them, and I get burned. So I'm still working 487 00:28:29,000 --> 00:28:33,040 Speaker 1: through that, for sure, But now I've learned to put 488 00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:36,760 Speaker 1: a hard boundary where I'm like, wait a second, if 489 00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:38,640 Speaker 1: you're not making me feel good at work or in 490 00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,000 Speaker 1: my home, you're not coming into my home. You're not 491 00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:45,320 Speaker 1: going to be around my work environment because I need 492 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:48,640 Speaker 1: to feel good, you know. But forgiveness, I think is 493 00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:52,000 Speaker 1: definitely something that we should all practice and not hold 494 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,200 Speaker 1: that resentment in that baggage because it does no good 495 00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:57,120 Speaker 1: for you. It actually causes illness and depression and so 496 00:28:57,240 --> 00:28:59,840 Speaker 1: many bad things when you're holding onto things and not 497 00:29:00,040 --> 00:29:02,480 Speaker 1: willing to forgive people. If you want to be forgiven, 498 00:29:03,120 --> 00:29:05,920 Speaker 1: then you must be willing to forgive. And I have 499 00:29:05,960 --> 00:29:07,720 Speaker 1: a whole book on that. You guys, go ahead and 500 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:10,600 Speaker 1: read it. Forgiveness in English, better going in Spanish, but 501 00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:13,200 Speaker 1: I speak about it more in depth. But I feel 502 00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:16,480 Speaker 1: like my forgiveness, if I've evolved in any way, it's 503 00:29:16,560 --> 00:29:19,720 Speaker 1: it's just boundaries. Boundaries are so healthy. Being able to 504 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:23,440 Speaker 1: say no and putting limits to things into certain situations. 505 00:29:23,240 --> 00:29:26,880 Speaker 1: It gives you so much power and protects your inner peace. 506 00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:29,440 Speaker 1: Like our inner piece is our responsibility. So what are 507 00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:33,080 Speaker 1: you going to do? What? Walls not bad walls, but 508 00:29:33,160 --> 00:29:35,880 Speaker 1: healthy walls are you going to put up to not 509 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,520 Speaker 1: continue to go through that? And I was just letting 510 00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:40,600 Speaker 1: people just step all over me because I was a 511 00:29:40,600 --> 00:29:42,720 Speaker 1: people pleaser, because I wanted to make people happy. I 512 00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:46,040 Speaker 1: wanted their approval. I wanted people to like me. When 513 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:48,720 Speaker 1: I stop people like when, I was like, I don't 514 00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:51,880 Speaker 1: care if you like me or not. I like myself. Dude, 515 00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:55,760 Speaker 1: I'm a older woman. But I don't know how I 516 00:29:55,840 --> 00:30:00,280 Speaker 1: went from that to forgiveness, but forgiveness important. Okay, So 517 00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:05,080 Speaker 1: the very last one you guys is finances. Ooh girl, Okay, 518 00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:06,880 Speaker 1: I'm gonna make it quick because I know this has 519 00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:11,520 Speaker 1: been a long episode. But finances. For a long time, 520 00:30:11,880 --> 00:30:16,120 Speaker 1: I was under my mom's wing. I worked for my mother. 521 00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:19,720 Speaker 1: I had all of the control of my mom's money. 522 00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:22,680 Speaker 1: I was paying the bills. I was very good at that, 523 00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:25,200 Speaker 1: always very good at paying bills and making sure that 524 00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:28,920 Speaker 1: everything was paid on time. But then I just also 525 00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:32,000 Speaker 1: had the liberty of just okay, have my mom's credit card. 526 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:33,600 Speaker 1: I'm just gonna like I was a spoiled little brad. 527 00:30:33,600 --> 00:30:35,400 Speaker 1: I guess if you want to call it that, I'm 528 00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:37,760 Speaker 1: just gonna swipe the card because and it wasn't always 529 00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:39,680 Speaker 1: like that, because of course we went through really tough times. 530 00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:43,440 Speaker 1: There were times where we didn't have a lot to 531 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:47,040 Speaker 1: eat and we didn't have the luxuries that we had. 532 00:30:47,240 --> 00:30:50,800 Speaker 1: When my mom got more famous and more successful, should 533 00:30:50,840 --> 00:30:56,760 Speaker 1: I say so, that was different. But when we did 534 00:30:56,840 --> 00:30:59,960 Speaker 1: and I had the liberty of using my mom's card, 535 00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:03,120 Speaker 1: I abused it. I abused it. I didn't understand the 536 00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:08,360 Speaker 1: value of money. I didn't understand how important it is 537 00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:11,640 Speaker 1: to take care of it, how important it is to invest, 538 00:31:11,960 --> 00:31:18,320 Speaker 1: even to save for a rainy day, you know. And 539 00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:21,240 Speaker 1: again I wasn't using my money, I was using my mom's, 540 00:31:21,320 --> 00:31:23,520 Speaker 1: so it was just easier. And that was one of 541 00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:27,360 Speaker 1: the biggest lessons for me was when my mom said, boom, 542 00:31:27,480 --> 00:31:29,680 Speaker 1: you're not working for me anymore. You're not taking care 543 00:31:29,680 --> 00:31:31,800 Speaker 1: of the kids. I want to take control of my household. 544 00:31:32,080 --> 00:31:36,240 Speaker 1: It's very difficult because I was very territorial of my siblings, 545 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:39,040 Speaker 1: of my mother, of our things. But in reality it 546 00:31:39,120 --> 00:31:42,920 Speaker 1: was in hours it was my mom's. And then I 547 00:31:43,040 --> 00:31:45,040 Speaker 1: was forced by the world and by universe, by the 548 00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:48,600 Speaker 1: universe to go out and make my own money. And 549 00:31:49,320 --> 00:31:54,960 Speaker 1: that's when I realized, oh shit, I gotta I have 550 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:57,160 Speaker 1: to save. I have to not only save, I have 551 00:31:57,320 --> 00:32:02,880 Speaker 1: to not spend on ridiculous things. And now I ask myself, Okay, 552 00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:05,360 Speaker 1: there are still times. This is something that I'm still like, 553 00:32:06,120 --> 00:32:08,120 Speaker 1: I think when I was overworked and I was very 554 00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:11,040 Speaker 1: stressed out. It's so easy now you guys to just 555 00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:14,200 Speaker 1: swipe and you don't see it, like it's like literally 556 00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,000 Speaker 1: your phone just has to look at you and ooh 557 00:32:16,040 --> 00:32:20,479 Speaker 1: they charge you. And I found myself doing that like 558 00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:22,960 Speaker 1: maybe a month ago, a month and a half ago, 559 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:24,160 Speaker 1: where I was just like, oh, I was just getting 560 00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:26,320 Speaker 1: a bunch of packages and I'm like, Jenney, stop. But 561 00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:28,320 Speaker 1: now I recognize it. I had to get to the 562 00:32:28,360 --> 00:32:30,240 Speaker 1: point where I'm like, okay, is this a luxury or 563 00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:33,840 Speaker 1: a necessity? My bills I'm very responsible that is always 564 00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:35,720 Speaker 1: being paid, but instead of like the money that I 565 00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:40,280 Speaker 1: have extra, I have to invest it and save a 566 00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:42,440 Speaker 1: little bit of it because you never know what can 567 00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:45,080 Speaker 1: happen tomorrow, but not just spend it on things that 568 00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:48,320 Speaker 1: I don't need, like I was just spending I think 569 00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:51,240 Speaker 1: for a long time to fill a void, a hole 570 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:55,600 Speaker 1: that I had, and in reality it's just stuff and 571 00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:59,240 Speaker 1: quite frankly, like I was buying so much that I 572 00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:02,200 Speaker 1: didn't even have the time. I wasn't going anywhere enough 573 00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:05,560 Speaker 1: to use everything I was buying, you know, and it 574 00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:07,920 Speaker 1: was just there collecting dust. And now I'm like, I'm 575 00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:12,800 Speaker 1: better with also paying it forward and cleaning out the 576 00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,320 Speaker 1: closet and you know, like not keeping things just to 577 00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:18,520 Speaker 1: keep them. But I think now more than anything, my finances, 578 00:33:18,720 --> 00:33:22,760 Speaker 1: my business ventures, all of that, all of that is 579 00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:26,120 Speaker 1: very different. Now. I know what it is to earn 580 00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:28,480 Speaker 1: my own money. I know what it is to not 581 00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:31,960 Speaker 1: have any to feel like, oh my gosh, if I 582 00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:37,920 Speaker 1: don't do something, if I don't work and do something quickly, 583 00:33:38,400 --> 00:33:41,280 Speaker 1: I don't know how I'm gonna pay my rent next month. 584 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:44,200 Speaker 1: I've gone through all of that. But it's also they've 585 00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:48,240 Speaker 1: been lessons because I've overspent, because I haven't been a 586 00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:51,480 Speaker 1: good stewart. A good stewart means like taking care of 587 00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:54,479 Speaker 1: what God has given you, you know, And all of 588 00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:59,240 Speaker 1: that I can tell you now that I know the value, 589 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:01,040 Speaker 1: that I know the importance of it, that I know 590 00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:05,520 Speaker 1: what it's important to invest, still have to ask myself 591 00:34:05,600 --> 00:34:07,440 Speaker 1: keep you know. And this is the advice to you guys, 592 00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:09,359 Speaker 1: Like sometimes it's just easy to just selle, I'm gonna 593 00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:11,080 Speaker 1: buy this, like no, like, sometimes it's good to like 594 00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:13,920 Speaker 1: go back to basics and cut back on things you 595 00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:18,480 Speaker 1: don't necessarily like need everything that everyone has. And it 596 00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:19,880 Speaker 1: took me a long time to get there. I'm like, 597 00:34:19,920 --> 00:34:23,560 Speaker 1: it doesn't make me a better person or more attractive 598 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:27,960 Speaker 1: or cooler to have all the trendy shit like no, like, 599 00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:31,239 Speaker 1: that's not what's important. And for a long time I 600 00:34:31,280 --> 00:34:33,799 Speaker 1: did that. I did it to impress people, to make 601 00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:37,919 Speaker 1: myself look better, you know, on another level, and it's 602 00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:41,640 Speaker 1: it's ridiculous, Like now it's silly. Now I'm like, okay, 603 00:34:41,719 --> 00:34:44,719 Speaker 1: I want a building, now, I want to invest in 604 00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:47,759 Speaker 1: my businesses. Now, I you know, I want to do all. 605 00:34:47,880 --> 00:34:49,520 Speaker 1: I have so many ideas, so many things that I 606 00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:51,719 Speaker 1: want to do. Now it's not about buying that materialistic 607 00:34:51,760 --> 00:34:55,359 Speaker 1: thing that's going to give me, you know, instant gratification. 608 00:34:55,840 --> 00:35:00,000 Speaker 1: I'm thinking long term. I'm thinking my future. So anyways, guys, 609 00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:02,520 Speaker 1: I hope you enjoyed this episode. Thank you so much 610 00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:05,640 Speaker 1: for listening, And like always, I hope that through my 611 00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:09,440 Speaker 1: vulnerability and my transparency, you guys can learn and grow 612 00:35:10,760 --> 00:35:13,440 Speaker 1: and mature and hopefully I can help you also prevent 613 00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:17,719 Speaker 1: from making certain mistakes and errors that I have. But 614 00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:20,480 Speaker 1: you always know you can come back to Cheeky's and 615 00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:23,160 Speaker 1: Chill and you'll always find an honest place and a 616 00:35:23,200 --> 00:35:25,440 Speaker 1: place where you can be yourself completely like I can 617 00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:27,600 Speaker 1: be with you. Guys, So thank you so much, and 618 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:28,919 Speaker 1: I love you, and I'll see you on the next 619 00:35:28,920 --> 00:35:38,520 Speaker 1: episode of Cheeki's and Chill. This is a production of 620 00:35:38,600 --> 00:35:43,160 Speaker 1: iHeartRadio and Mike wa podcast Network. Follow us on Instagram 621 00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:47,040 Speaker 1: at mike Utura Podcasts and follow me Cheeky's That's c 622 00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:51,120 Speaker 1: h i q u y s. For more podcasts from iHeart, 623 00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:54,960 Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get 624 00:35:54,960 --> 00:36:02,320 Speaker 1: your favorite shows.