Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 2: Resentment oftentimes does not begin with this huge betrayal. Right, yes,
Speaker 2: resentment often begins with repeated neglect. Hey lady, have you
Speaker 2: ever felt like the world just doesn't get you? Well?
Speaker 1: We do. Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated
Speaker 1: to uplifting and empowering women like you.
Speaker 2: We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard and educator and psychologists.
Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker.
Speaker 2: Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from
Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black
Speaker 2: women to just be.
Speaker 1: Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow
Speaker 1: button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady,
Speaker 1: we are black and black owned, and your support will
Speaker 1: help us reach even more women like you.
Speaker 2: Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space.
Speaker 1: If you want more speaking engagements, collaborations, or visibility for
Speaker 1: your brand, I got to tell you the truth. This
Speaker 1: is Terry low Max and I've been a public speaker
Speaker 1: for over twelve years. I've lended national media, a TED Talk,
Speaker 1: and six figure collaborations without a publicist or a big
Speaker 1: social media following. And here's what most people don't hear.
Speaker 1: You don't need a publicist or a massive audience to
Speaker 1: get booked. Most people are waiting to feel established first,
Speaker 1: and that waiting is costing them visibility. How many times
Speaker 1: have you looked up and seeing people with less experience
Speaker 1: getting opportunities you were fully qualified for. Here's the truth.
Speaker 1: Opportunities don't go to the most qualified. They go to
Speaker 1: the people who can clearly communicate their value. Once I
Speaker 1: learned how to organize my story and position my expertise
Speaker 1: using a framework, everything changed. If you want my exact
Speaker 1: pitch emails, word for word, my winning subject lines, and
Speaker 1: the Saucy Solutions framework, visit get that pitch dot com
Speaker 1: for a limited time use code her space for a
Speaker 1: special listener discount. If this is your year to stop
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Speaker 1: our show notes our quote of the day.
Speaker 2: Never be limited by other people's limited imaginations. That quote
Speaker 2: comes to us from doctor May Jamison. Now, now, team,
Speaker 2: I know you're here in this quote and you're like,
Speaker 2: what does this have to do.
Speaker 1: With this episode?
Speaker 2: But hear me out. Okay, So this quote is to
Speaker 2: me a fitting one for our conversation today because so
Speaker 2: many of the silent relationship killers that we're going to
Speaker 2: talk about are rooted in limitation, so limiting our voices,
Speaker 2: limiting our needs, limiting our honesty, limiting our healing, and
Speaker 2: shrinking ourselves to fit inside relationships that may no longer
Speaker 2: fit us. And so I think this quote reminds us
Speaker 2: that healthy love should expand you and not require you
Speaker 2: to abandon yourself.
Speaker 1: That's good. But you're right though, because I definitely saw
Speaker 1: that quote and I was like, Okay, let me see,
Speaker 1: let me see where you're going with this. But you know,
Speaker 1: it's funny. I was reflecting on it before we started,
Speaker 1: and I was like, Okay, I can kind of see
Speaker 1: how that can tie into the conversation because when I
Speaker 1: hear that quote, what comes up for me is how
Speaker 1: other people how they define a relationship and what's good
Speaker 1: can often and they can try to like influence what
Speaker 1: we how we feel about a relationship. Right, So sometimes
Speaker 1: the people around us, they may have a very limited
Speaker 1: idea about what healthy love looks like or just because
Speaker 1: of relationship checks certain boxes on paper. That doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that their media needs emotionally or physically. And I think
Speaker 1: back to don when I was younger, and a lot
Speaker 1: of the older women will be like, oh, just make
Speaker 1: sure you know he pay the bills and y'all never fight,
Speaker 1: or you know he does this and he does that
Speaker 1: and that's like a good relationship. Or people these days
Speaker 1: be like, oh, yeah, you look good on Instagram, or
Speaker 1: y'all have such a beautiful family. That's the girls shiite,
Speaker 1: y'all looks so good together. It's like he's a good man.
Speaker 1: He's a good man, and Savannah like all that. And
Speaker 1: it's like, well, yes, we don't communicate, or I don't
Speaker 1: feel seen, or I don't feel known right, or like
Speaker 1: I don't feel emotionally connected right. All those things are
Speaker 1: important as well. And so just because a relationship looks
Speaker 1: healthy from the outside doesn't mean that it's healthy from
Speaker 1: the inside. And so I'm really excited for us to
Speaker 1: dive into this, and I can see how that quote
Speaker 1: fits into it. I think that today's conversation is going
Speaker 1: to be a really interesting one because we'll get a
Speaker 1: chance to kind of talk about the things that people
Speaker 1: often don't talk about and also give voice to people
Speaker 1: who are in a space where they're like, well, nothing's
Speaker 1: really wrong, but something just doesn't feel right, Like there's
Speaker 1: nothing toxic going on, no infidelity, none of my boundaries
Speaker 1: have been violated, but something doesn't feel right, you know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it's there needs to be. Just because certain
Speaker 2: boxes are checked off, doesn't mean that the relationship truly
Speaker 2: is healthy. Yeah, because oftentimes what we'll see by the
Speaker 2: end of this conversation today is that there truly are
Speaker 2: certain things that are happening in the relationship that aren't
Speaker 2: being talked about or might not even be in our
Speaker 2: conscious level of awareness right away.
Speaker 1: But to your.
Speaker 2: Point, it's that intuitive feeling that something is is off.
Speaker 1: Oh girl, I got some stories for today's episode too, Okay,
Speaker 1: I got some juicy stories, And I had a question
Speaker 1: for you before we jump on in, like, have you
Speaker 1: ever seen or have you ever like, have you ever
Speaker 1: witnessed this right where either in your own life or
Speaker 1: someone else's life or from the outside looking in, everything
Speaker 1: looked great, but from the inside there was a disconnect.
Speaker 1: And if so, what does that disconnect look like in action?
Speaker 1: Like what was that guess, that thing or that moment
Speaker 1: for either you or that person.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think as I'm sitting with that question, the
Speaker 2: things that immediately come up to me, like that ring
Speaker 2: a bell or like what you pointed out about looking
Speaker 2: good on paper, that this person checked all the boxes.
Speaker 2: Like you know, we've talked about this on the podcast
Speaker 2: before about having your list right of like your needs,
Speaker 2: your wants, your non negotiables, and this person was not
Speaker 2: violating any of those non negotiables. They check all the
Speaker 2: boxes of what you need and some of what you want. However,
Speaker 2: like the couple, they weren't happy. Yeah, and part of
Speaker 2: why they weren't really happy is because they were almost
Speaker 2: moving like roommates. And so for me, when I hear that,
Speaker 2: oh we're it's like we're existing almost as if we're roommates.
Speaker 2: Things are you know, like you said, there's there weren't
Speaker 2: any arguments. They are checking the boxes for me, then
Speaker 2: it becomes okay, if you all are existing kind of
Speaker 2: like roommates, maybe we need to go back and reevaluate
Speaker 2: what those boxes are under your needs to see if
Speaker 2: they truly are still meeting your needs.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's good because it could have met your needs
Speaker 1: at one point. The girl, we be evolving and so
Speaker 1: things change. Okay, let's talk about this first silent killer,
Speaker 1: because I got some shit to tell you, Okay, Okay,
Speaker 1: So the first one is emotional withholding.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: So it's this idea of I shouldn't have to ask. Okay, now, girl,
Speaker 1: what y'all lady is you listen?
Speaker 2: I got, I got.
Speaker 1: I want to know if anyone else can relate to this, okay,
Speaker 1: because this is the core idea here, is that many
Speaker 1: relationships suffer not from an explosive conflict, right, but from
Speaker 1: emotional starvation. Right. And so let me just preface this
Speaker 1: by saying, and I'm sure you you all can relate, right,
Speaker 1: you and the lady listening. So, as a strong black woman, right,
Speaker 1: strong independent black woman, right, I don't necessarily want to
Speaker 1: have to ask, Like in a relationship, there are certain things.
Speaker 1: Let me just tell you, to a certain there are
Speaker 1: certain things. Don't gonna give you the example. Okay, So
Speaker 1: there are certain things. Now I'm like, okay, cool, but
Speaker 1: let me just tell you what I struggled with in
Speaker 1: the past. Right. And if I do have to ask,
Speaker 1: wait for the wait for the ball to drop here.
Speaker 1: I don't want to have to ask over and over
Speaker 1: that it's just me being honest. But it's a certain
Speaker 1: thing in particular. Okay, So let me give an example.
Speaker 1: I was dating this skuy okay, and I am inquisitive
Speaker 1: by nature, like I'm very interested in people. Girl, I
Speaker 1: be in the uber and this is this older I
Speaker 1: think it was this older Indian man. One day we're
Speaker 1: in the uber. He was telling me about his dad
Speaker 1: and stuff that inspire him, and I'm just like, oh,
Speaker 1: for real. And then what happened. And then when I
Speaker 1: was a girl by the time I got the car,
Speaker 1: He's like, I'm sorry for talking so much. I was like,
Speaker 1: it's cool, Like I'm inquisitive, right, So I asked questions.
Speaker 1: I'm asking follow up questions. I'm just interested in people
Speaker 1: in general. So if I'm in a relationship, of course
Speaker 1: I am. Now here's the thing. In this particular relationship.
Speaker 1: I a would share certain things about what I had
Speaker 1: going on, and it would just be like it would
Speaker 1: fall flat. So it'd be like, Okay, that's cool, I'm thinking, mother,
Speaker 1: I could ask me a question like be interested.
Speaker 2: Ye.
Speaker 1: So when I was sitting when I was working through
Speaker 1: this in therapy, and I was telling my therapists like
Speaker 1: I really try to communicate in relationships because I don't
Speaker 1: want resentment to build up, and I know I need
Speaker 1: to share this, but also I'm gonna be real like this.
Speaker 1: This may be like the tough girl like the Philly
Speaker 1: Party be coming out, but I'm like, I don't want
Speaker 1: to be thirsty being like I don't want to feel
Speaker 1: like a little pussy, like can you ask me questions
Speaker 1: about myself? Like I just feel like that. I just
Speaker 1: felt goofy like asking that, right, But because I value
Speaker 1: the relationship and I was working through it in therapy,
Speaker 1: she was like, Okay, well, sometimes you do have to
Speaker 1: lead people to, you know, where you want to be.
Speaker 1: So I did start communicating that and it did help.
Speaker 1: But girl, I felt so silly and vulnerable doing that initially,
Speaker 1: And so I think it goes back to that silent
Speaker 1: killer of this idea of like I shouldn't have to ask,
Speaker 1: but in actuality, people don't remind right.
Speaker 2: Yes, and so so, lady, if you're watching this on YouTube,
Speaker 2: then you probably saw my facial expressions as soon as
Speaker 2: T mentioned this, because I really was like, girl, and
Speaker 2: I and I'm rolling my eyes because because okay, So,
Speaker 2: on one hand, I want to honor and respect what
Speaker 2: you're saying around like it is vulnerable to have to ask, right, However,
Speaker 2: no one in our life is a mind reader, not
Speaker 2: our friends, not our family, and for certainly not our partners.
Speaker 2: And so to expect that the people in our lives
Speaker 2: automatically know all the things is an unrealistic expectation that
Speaker 2: is setting you up for disappointment and could be delaying
Speaker 2: the foundation for resentment and conflict within the relationship. Right, So,
Speaker 2: for me, when I hear this, what I hear is
Speaker 2: we're looking for mind readers and that doesn't exist. And
Speaker 2: so what needs to happen is we have to learn
Speaker 2: to ask for what we need, and yes, sometimes we
Speaker 2: will need to be given reminders. Here's the way I
Speaker 2: help people understand it. If you think about all the
Speaker 2: people in your life, can you honestly say that you
Speaker 2: remember everything that they need? Can you truly remember every
Speaker 2: boundary that they have? Like, literally pause and think about that,
Speaker 2: every person in your life who you have a close
Speaker 2: relationship with, can you tell me every single one of
Speaker 2: their boundaries? Can you tell me everything that it is
Speaker 2: that they need? I already know that the answer is no.
Speaker 2: So like, let's not even go there like the answer
Speaker 2: is no, and so you cannot expect that the people
Speaker 2: in your life are going to remember everything that you need.
Speaker 2: And now I get that, particularly with romantic partners, that
Speaker 2: it is. It is helpful and we may find ourselves
Speaker 2: like more enamored and closer when we have a partner
Speaker 2: who remembers all the things that we want and need
Speaker 2: and they address that right. But the reality is that
Speaker 2: there will need to be reminders.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I do want to say something else. I'm that
Speaker 1: I think that a spot on And it was definitely
Speaker 1: it was a hard thing to grasp initially because for instance,
Speaker 1: right in the bedroom, I feel comfortable and like do this,
Speaker 1: do that, do that? Like you know, that's one area.
Speaker 1: But I feel like for me and lady, this is
Speaker 1: if you're listening in, this resonates with you. Hopefully this
Speaker 1: is like something you can take on your journey. For me,
Speaker 1: it was like the thing I'm asking for. It feels
Speaker 1: so basic because it's like I do for you, like
Speaker 1: you tell me about your day or something that's going on,
Speaker 1: and I'm engrossed to engage in the story, and it's
Speaker 1: like in my mind it's like I would assume that
Speaker 1: like that should be reciprocated, because then the thing was like,
Speaker 1: well are you are you not interested? And like what
Speaker 1: I got going on? So I think there's levels to
Speaker 1: it when it comes like the vulnerability, the assumptions that
Speaker 1: you're making, and so it is still important to ask
Speaker 1: for sure, And I think there's also balance between asking,
Speaker 1: giving feedback and then them showing up and implementing it,
Speaker 1: because I think that's where things can get tricky when
Speaker 1: it comes like over time, someone's like, you know what,
Speaker 1: fuck it, I ain't even sharing nothing no more because
Speaker 1: I've been vulnerable. I share and you're not even implementing.
Speaker 1: You're not even trying, like at all, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean?
Speaker 2: Well, I think that that leads us to the next
Speaker 2: silent killer, which is the unspoken resentment, right, And so
Speaker 2: it's this accumulation of tiny disappointments that Yeah, so what
Speaker 2: we know is that resentment oftentimes does not begin with
Speaker 2: this huge betrayal, right, Yes, resentment often begins with repeated neglect.
Speaker 2: And so in this situation that you're pointing out that, yeah,
Speaker 2: if I've asked you to engage in conversation with me
Speaker 2: and ask me questions, appear interested and over time, you
Speaker 2: aren't meeting like, you aren't doing that right, and I've
Speaker 2: asked multiple times that I've done the reminders right and
Speaker 2: you still aren't doing that. Then yeah, then more and
Speaker 2: also more than likely that that means that there are
Speaker 2: other moments when you all are communicating that they are
Speaker 2: disappointing you. That you might get excited about something. You
Speaker 2: might go to share something as you're super excited about
Speaker 2: and their response is just yeah, it's like, oh, that's great,
Speaker 2: and you're like, wait, I was expecting. I was expecting
Speaker 2: a big fan fare because with the emotion and tone
Speaker 2: that I'm communicating this to you, I would hope that
Speaker 2: you would pick up on the context clues and give
Speaker 2: me some excitement back. Yeah, And when that doesn't happen,
Speaker 2: then yeah, that's another tiny disappointment. And over time you
Speaker 2: start because of those repeated disappointments, you start to build
Speaker 2: resentment that is.
Speaker 1: So real too, because it's like, Okay, I was vulnerable,
Speaker 1: I share the feedback, and now it's like, okay, I'm
Speaker 1: giving you opportunities to showcase you know, the feedback right,
Speaker 1: to showcase the things that I desire, and it doesn't happen,
Speaker 1: and so I can see how the resentment builds up.
Speaker 1: One of the things I explored, and I'd love to
Speaker 1: give your perspective on this, said lead you think about
Speaker 1: this in your own life. At what point, so again,
Speaker 1: let's pink the right. Everything in the relationship's going well,
Speaker 1: we actually have fun together, we are doing well, there's
Speaker 1: nothing bad going on. However, when I share things about
Speaker 1: whatever's going on in my life, I don't I'm not
Speaker 1: being met there and it's happening consistently now even after
Speaker 1: sharing feedback. At what point do you think, Okay, you
Speaker 1: know what this person, maybe this is part of the
Speaker 1: relationship that I just maybe this is where they this
Speaker 1: is a place where they cannot meet me, and maybe
Speaker 1: I need to outsource this, and maybe they're not the
Speaker 1: person I go to for this. I don't know. Part
Speaker 1: of me feels like I know some people they believe
Speaker 1: in kind of having different people for different things. Part
Speaker 1: of me, if you're in a monogamous relationship with least,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, I can see all that. It may
Speaker 1: work for some people, but then I'm also like, I
Speaker 1: want my person to be able to hold me in
Speaker 1: that way. What are your thoughts on outsourcing that if
Speaker 1: the person shows consistently that you know what I can't
Speaker 1: they struggling, You can't even ask a god damn follow
Speaker 1: up a question or show any interest.
Speaker 2: So to me, it's about where your values lie, right,
Speaker 2: Because I do support outsourcing, because I'm a firm believer
Speaker 2: that your partner does not have to be your everything. Yeah,
Speaker 2: your partner does not have to match you in every
Speaker 2: single interest. That in an ideal interdependent, healthy loving relationship dynamic,
Speaker 2: both partners have things that they share together and then
Speaker 2: there are things interests that they have separate from their
Speaker 2: partner that they connect with other people on, or maybe
Speaker 2: it's solo things that they connect on. Right, in this
Speaker 2: particular example that you're providing, though, for me, it's about values.
Speaker 2: So for you, what you're saying is that you value
Speaker 2: deeper level emotional connection and conversation with your partner, and
Speaker 2: because that is a high value for you, that is
Speaker 2: not something that can be outsourced in this relationship. Now,
Speaker 2: let's say that your partner, let's say that you are
Speaker 2: interested in.
Speaker 1: Yoga.
Speaker 2: Okay, yoga is the thing that you like, you love
Speaker 2: for fitness. Your partner has absolutely no interest in that,
Speaker 2: right While yoga is important to you. On your list
Speaker 2: of values, Yoga is not high up there, right, So like,
Speaker 2: if you didn't do yoga for the day, you're not
Speaker 2: going to be upset. It's not high up on your
Speaker 2: list of values. So it's not a big deal if
Speaker 2: your partner doesn't share your interest in that. Yeah, but
Speaker 2: having these conversations, you value that more than yoga. And
Speaker 2: so then your partner needs to be able to meet
Speaker 2: you on that, and if they can't, then that will
Speaker 2: cause problems in the relationship.
Speaker 1: Yeah. Wof, that's interesting. And speaking of problems, we're going
Speaker 1: to move on to another one. And this came up
Speaker 1: a lot in our previous friendship conflict avoidance, right, and
Speaker 1: I think it's important for us to remember that peacekeeping
Speaker 1: is not the same as peace just like and that
Speaker 1: was something I used to do back in the day
Speaker 1: two girl, Like, I was very conflict avoidant, having to
Speaker 1: be the peacemaker growing up in the household. And so
Speaker 1: I just brushed it under the rug. Just brush it
Speaker 1: under the rug. Oh, I'm okay, smiling, Oh, it's all good.
Speaker 1: And then you have this this mound right like under
Speaker 1: the rug. It's like, is there a mountain under there.
Speaker 1: So what are your I don't know, do you have
Speaker 1: any stories or examples about being conflict avoidant on what
Speaker 1: you've seen happen in relationships. When people are conflict avoidant,
Speaker 1: they may be like, oh, yeah, I've heard this. We
Speaker 1: never argue, we never have disagreements, and it's like, oh
Speaker 1: that is I don't know. Yeah, sound healthy.
Speaker 2: So to me, it is not healthy, right, because part
Speaker 2: of a healthy dynamic is being able to navigate through conflict.
Speaker 2: And I think part of it is is how people
Speaker 2: perceive conflict. Conflict doesn't have to mean that it's the
Speaker 2: end of the relationship, and conflict doesn't have to mean
Speaker 2: that we are having this big blowout, knockdown, drag out fight.
Speaker 2: Conflict means we don't agree on something. We could have
Speaker 2: conflict over what we want for dinner. I might be
Speaker 2: in the move for tacos, you might be in the
Speaker 2: move for a salad. We're not agreeing. That's conflict. Now
Speaker 2: does it have to become a big deal, Like, does
Speaker 2: it have to become a blowout, drag out, knockdown fight.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 2: But what happens is when we're focused on being peacekeeper
Speaker 2: and we're folks and we're someone who is conflict avoidant.
Speaker 2: If I'm the person who's conflict avoidant, even though I've
Speaker 2: initially voiced that I want those that I wanted tacos
Speaker 2: for dinner and my partner says he wants salad, I'm
Speaker 2: conflict avoidant, So I'm gonna say, let's go ahead and
Speaker 2: have that salad. Now. To your point, like, what that
Speaker 2: does is that does start to build up over time
Speaker 2: and then there's no longer. There may be peace within
Speaker 2: the dynamic, but internally you have no peace because internally
Speaker 2: you are constantly acquiescing for what the sake of having peace,
Speaker 2: but you're not really having peace. So it defeats the purpose.
Speaker 2: And I think part of what it is too, particularly
Speaker 2: for us as black women, is that oftentimes we receive
Speaker 2: the narrative in various spaces that the you know, the
Speaker 2: angry black woman's stereotype, or that you're being dramatic, or
Speaker 2: you're just too that's you're.
Speaker 1: Just too much, are too difficult.
Speaker 2: Right, And so to avoid that in our romantic relationships,
Speaker 2: we may find ourselves shutting down and saying it's fine,
Speaker 2: we can do what you want. Meanwhile, we on internally
Speaker 2: are erupting and I also, and I want to point
Speaker 2: out that when I say internally there's no peace, this
Speaker 2: also leads to lots of physical health problems.
Speaker 1: I was just thinking that.
Speaker 2: And so it becomes so this, this silence, yes, becomes
Speaker 2: a killer, literally killing us.
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Speaker 1: That's why I think, too sometimes we see a lot
Speaker 1: of older like the elders, But I'm thinking about the
Speaker 1: older Black women that I know they don't be giving
Speaker 1: the shit. They will say what's on their mind, like
Speaker 1: I'm not holding on to this, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm letting this shit listen. I'm gonna say what I
Speaker 1: feel and get that off because and I feel like
Speaker 1: the older I get, I'm more like that too, where
Speaker 1: it's like I'm gonna just express how I feel because
Speaker 1: when you hold on to it, you know, you ever
Speaker 1: think about situations where like you holding on to something
Speaker 1: and that shit sits in your body, you can whether
Speaker 1: it manifests as anxiety or stress or your heart racing it.
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't want to be holding on to that,
Speaker 1: so I'm just gonna air it out. But I think
Speaker 1: finding a way a conflict resolution method that works for
Speaker 1: you and your personality. I think that's key.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I would agree, And so then our next our
Speaker 2: next silent killer is lacking curiosity about each other.
Speaker 1: See.
Speaker 2: I think this goes back to your example, like the
Speaker 2: guy you were dating seemed like he lacks curiosity, right,
Speaker 2: But what it can also show up as is assuming
Speaker 2: that you already know your partner. Now, This one, ladies,
Speaker 2: is for the folks who have kind of been together.
Speaker 2: This often shows up for couples that have been together
Speaker 2: for a while, right, And so it's you've been together
Speaker 2: for like five ten years, and you know the partner
Speaker 2: has asked for what they needed. We are being more
Speaker 2: tuned to what it is that they need, and so
Speaker 2: now we just move around. We exist in a way
Speaker 2: that assumes we know what they want. And the problem
Speaker 2: with that is that as humans, we are constantly evolving.
Speaker 2: The hope for most of us is that we don't
Speaker 2: remain stagnant. And what ends up destroying the relationships is
Speaker 2: when the curiosity disappears when we move as if we
Speaker 2: know everything that a who our partner, exactly who they are,
Speaker 2: what all of their interests are, and we don't take
Speaker 2: the time to really start to get curious. Cynics to
Speaker 2: remain curious and explore. It's almost like, after a while,
Speaker 2: we just get into the routine. Yeah, and the conversations
Speaker 2: become like I said the example I provided before, like
Speaker 2: feeling more like roommates conversations about yeah, like the logistics.
Speaker 2: All right, so what's the schedule for the kids this
Speaker 2: week's time? Are you coming home?
Speaker 1: Who's paying the time?
Speaker 2: And you have to leave in the morning. Oh wait,
Speaker 2: you're on vacation. When let's update the calendar? Right. We're
Speaker 2: not asking about what was the best thing that happened
Speaker 2: to you today. We're not asking what are your goals
Speaker 2: for this upcoming year? What how's that promotion that you
Speaker 2: just got at work? Because do we even know what
Speaker 2: they got a promotion?
Speaker 1: Those are good questions. I'd love even asking about, you know,
Speaker 1: what they're into these days, like what hobbies right, or
Speaker 1: just thinking about like who is your who are they
Speaker 1: becoming right now in this season? Who are they becoming,
Speaker 1: what are they prioritizing, or you know, asking yourself like
Speaker 1: when was the last time you deeply listened instead of
Speaker 1: preparing a response, just kind of seeing what's on their mind.
Speaker 1: And I think the key right, and I think the
Speaker 1: key point here is that intimacy requires continuous discovery, right,
Speaker 1: we should be ideally like you should. I mean, yeah,
Speaker 1: I want to be interested in my partner. I want
Speaker 1: them to be interested and me as we can teach,
Speaker 1: evolve and grow and so yeah, that's definitely another good one.
Speaker 2: Now, yeah, I think for me, like when I hear
Speaker 2: this one, I also think about like, like, I know,
Speaker 2: I know some folks that have do what they call
Speaker 2: yearly couples check ins, Right, I love that and once
Speaker 2: a year, and it doesn't have to be at the
Speaker 2: for some people, it's at the start of a new
Speaker 2: calendar year. For some people it's on their wedding anniversary.
Speaker 2: For other people, like they pick a time and it's
Speaker 2: the same time every year, and they sit down and
Speaker 2: they have questions that they ask themselves and they talk
Speaker 2: about like okay, they do they reflect on the previous year,
Speaker 2: like the good, the bad, that they you know, all
Speaker 2: the things, and then they ask each other what are
Speaker 2: the goals for the upcoming year? What are their individual goals,
Speaker 2: their goals as a couple, and if they have kids,
Speaker 2: what are the family goals? Because it's about also remembering
Speaker 2: that even though you were one person, there are multiple
Speaker 2: pieces of you and multiple roles that you play, and
Speaker 2: so your goals as individuals may be aligned, but might
Speaker 2: not be. This don't need to be the same thing
Speaker 2: as your goals as a couple or your goals as
Speaker 2: an overall household.
Speaker 1: I love that. I think that a spot on. I
Speaker 1: think it's spot on. And that takes us to the
Speaker 1: next one, the silent killer. Self abandonment. Oh my goodness,
Speaker 1: how many can relate to this? So losing yourself while
Speaker 1: trying to keep love and yeah, this is this is layered.
Speaker 1: I think a couple ways that this may show up
Speaker 1: is like shrinking your needs that appears to be easy, right,
Speaker 1: losing hobbies, identity, or friendships, constantly prioritizing the relationship over yourself,
Speaker 1: and confusing sacrifice with love. So you look up one
Speaker 1: day and you're just like how did I get here?
Speaker 1: And like who am I? Because I'm doing everything for
Speaker 1: these people, these people being the people in your household,
Speaker 1: your family, right like a partner, kids, whatever it might be.
Speaker 1: And that is such a Yeah, that's a that's a
Speaker 1: big one. Self abandonment. What do you think about that one?
Speaker 2: It happens so often, particularly for women, right that you
Speaker 2: enter into a relationship, and I hear this oftentimes, like
Speaker 2: in with younger couples, right, like their friends are upset
Speaker 2: with them because all of a sudden, now you never
Speaker 2: have time for us anymore. You spend all your free
Speaker 2: time with your partner, like, don't forget about us, And
Speaker 2: what's happening is they haven't figured out that balance, right.
Speaker 2: I think naturally, in the start of a new relationship,
Speaker 2: you are gonna want to spend time. Hopefully, you're wanting
Speaker 2: to spend time a lot of time with your new partner, right,
Speaker 2: and you're in this honeymoon phase where everything feels great
Speaker 2: and exciting and fun and you want, you truly do
Speaker 2: want to give them all of your free time, right.
Speaker 2: And initially that might be okay as you're getting to
Speaker 2: know them, But at some point you all have to
Speaker 2: pull back, literally and figuratively, pull away from one another
Speaker 2: and find some time to reintroduce this balance of what
Speaker 2: did your life look like before you got with this person.
Speaker 2: And while you're not going to have every Saturday from
Speaker 2: ten to five, is not going to be you and
Speaker 2: the girls all the time because now you have a partner.
Speaker 2: But that doesn't mean that you no longer have girls'
Speaker 2: night on Saturdays. You figure out what the balance is
Speaker 2: going to look like, because when you stop doing that,
Speaker 2: you lose your essence. And then what also happens is
Speaker 2: is if when you get to that point where you
Speaker 2: are losing yourself to be in the relationship and focus
Speaker 2: on all the things with your partner, some of the
Speaker 2: things that initially attracted your partner to you you're no
Speaker 2: longer doing, and so then they may start losing attraction
Speaker 2: for you. Now, to be clear, that's them thing, not
Speaker 2: a youth thing, but it's a signal that there's something
Speaker 2: there's been a change.
Speaker 1: That's a really good point time. It makes me think
Speaker 1: about how when you both have your own lives, it
Speaker 1: also keeps things interesting so you can still have that
Speaker 1: curiosity that we talked about. And yeah, it's so important
Speaker 1: because I think many of us have done that, especially
Speaker 1: in young relationships where you're just like throw everyone away.
Speaker 1: I definitely did that one of my first relationships, like oh,
Speaker 1: I'm just me and this person, and then when the
Speaker 1: shit ends, you build it rebuilding bridges that you've then
Speaker 1: burned and going back to people. But I feel like
Speaker 1: having a whole life it keeps you healthy, so you're
Speaker 1: not depending on one person for all the things, Like
Speaker 1: you have a community, right, like Lord forbid something happens
Speaker 1: to that person or the relationship does end, you still
Speaker 1: have stability that's outside of just that particular relationship. Now,
Speaker 1: I did want to ask you about something else because
Speaker 1: I was reflecting on self abandonment and I was like,
Speaker 1: I feel like, now I don't know if this is
Speaker 1: correct psychologically, so we're going to need doctor don let
Speaker 1: us know. But this is what I was thinking about.
Speaker 1: By way of the experience I had. There was a
Speaker 1: relationship I was in where I feel like, low key,
Speaker 1: I was like groomed to be codependent because I'm very
Speaker 1: independent naturally, I have my own stuff going on, and
Speaker 1: this person came in love bombing and kind of put
Speaker 1: themselves in a position of like being there for everything
Speaker 1: I needed, so that I was like, oh, okay, this
Speaker 1: is I can depend on this person. But then it
Speaker 1: kind of became a bit like smothering. And then before
Speaker 1: I look I looked up and I was like, well,
Speaker 1: god damn, Like I'm I feel like I'm codependent now,
Speaker 1: like I'm depending on this person to be there. So
Speaker 1: is that a thing because I feel like I definitely
Speaker 1: experienced that.
Speaker 2: Yes, that can definitely happen, and to me, I would
Speaker 2: look at that as if the person was intentionally doing this,
Speaker 2: then that's a form of psychological and emotional abuse, right,
Speaker 2: that they are intentionally trying to isolate you from all,
Speaker 2: from your from your community and to have you pulled
Speaker 2: into them. That is that is psychological abuse, and it happens. Actually,
Speaker 2: what you're describing happens way more than we often talk about,
Speaker 2: and happens way more to women who typically view themselves
Speaker 2: as strong and independent.
Speaker 1: That is so good like them. I'm thinking about someone
Speaker 1: swooping in. The love bombing begins, but then it feels
Speaker 1: so good in the moment. You're like, oh my god,
Speaker 1: they love me so much. Of course you would love me,
Speaker 1: Like I'm amazing paying my bills, you're doing this, you're
Speaker 1: doing that, and so now I've maybe left my job,
Speaker 1: like I'm now becoming dependent upon you, and now they
Speaker 1: have more control. So lady ed, you're listening, like, be
Speaker 1: mindful for that when someone comes in, like what are
Speaker 1: their intentions here?
Speaker 2: Right?
Speaker 1: Like what's happening? What's this dynamic doing? That's why it's
Speaker 1: so important to have that independence and also.
Speaker 2: Being clear for yourself too, right, because for some people,
Speaker 2: some women do still hold the view that like they
Speaker 2: want their partner to come in and take care of them,
Speaker 2: and so they're happy to stop working and have a
Speaker 2: partner who is taking care of everything financially. And so
Speaker 2: I want to to that specific example, I want to
Speaker 2: remind us that it's about it's also about where your
Speaker 2: values lie. Right. Sure, it becomes problematic when they are
Speaker 2: pulling you away from what your values and you're no
Speaker 2: longer feeling aligned with what your values are.
Speaker 1: That is a really good point. And if you're in
Speaker 1: that situation and that's what you want, you still keep
Speaker 1: that bank account and you put some stuff aside for yourself,
Speaker 1: because listen, that's what the eldest used to always say.
Speaker 1: You always have your own They don't got nobody. Yes,
Speaker 1: keep some shit to yourself, Okay, all right. The next
Speaker 1: one here is lack of repair after her ooh law.
Speaker 1: So those apologies without the transformation. This is a really
Speaker 1: big one, I feel like, because this kind of goes
Speaker 1: back to that resentment. Things have happened over the course
Speaker 1: of the relationship. I'm thinking about a friend who experienced
Speaker 1: in fidelity and it's like it happened on both ends
Speaker 1: and then they don't forgive each other. And then now
Speaker 1: there's you know, there's skeptical and suspicious and it's just
Speaker 1: this never ending cycle. Sou's dig into it.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So the thing is is that, like we said before,
Speaker 2: conflict is normal and healthy in relationships. It becomes the
Speaker 2: conflict becomes problematic when there's no change in behavior. So
Speaker 2: if if I've apologized for doing a particular thing and
Speaker 2: then I go back and I keep doing that particular thing,
Speaker 2: then that's not repair and that apology is meaningless, right,
Speaker 2: And so what happens over time is that my partner
Speaker 2: starts to lose trust in me. My partner no longer
Speaker 2: starts to have that that emotional safety has been eroded.
Speaker 2: It's now because of my behavior. It's we're moving with
Speaker 2: the expectation that I'm going to continue to do this behavior,
Speaker 2: and I'm sending the message of you just got to
Speaker 2: get over it, like because this is going to continue
Speaker 2: to happen. I'm not changing, and the problem where I'm now,
Speaker 2: the problem is that if my partner has communicated at
Speaker 2: least once that that my behavior that particular behavior is
Speaker 2: a problem for them, and I continue to do it
Speaker 2: and have that energy of you just need to get
Speaker 2: over it. What I'm doing is I am minimizing and
Speaker 2: dismissing my partner's needs. What I am inherently now communicating
Speaker 2: is that I don't value them, that I'm not really
Speaker 2: concerned about what really matters to them. I'm not trying
Speaker 2: to fix when I do something that's hurtful, and if
Speaker 2: we're not speaking on it and it continues to happen,
Speaker 2: that is eroding the relationship. So if I'm truly wanting
Speaker 2: to be invested in, if I'm truly invested in this relationship,
Speaker 2: truly invested in healing and repairing after I've done something
Speaker 2: to hurt my partner, then my apology is not just
Speaker 2: in my words. My apology is in my actions. Right,
Speaker 2: So I'm going to change my behavior, and depending on
Speaker 2: what the issue was, I'm probably going to check in
Speaker 2: to make sure that things are back on track, to
Speaker 2: solicit feedback to make sure that I have given the
Speaker 2: change that my partner has requested.
Speaker 1: That is spot on, and I think the big line
Speaker 1: here are the reminders, like people can survive mistakes, but
Speaker 1: what they struggle to survive, is feeling emotionally unsafe after them,
Speaker 1: or being consistently hurt and not having the repair. It's like,
Speaker 1: damn you just I'm thinking about a certain celebrity but
Speaker 1: I'm not going to say the names, but the celebrity
Speaker 1: just got cheated on over and over again. It's like,
Speaker 1: then the partner is doing these extravagant things to get back,
Speaker 1: and it's like, but you still out here doing her dirty.
Speaker 1: And so it's like that constant thing that again leads
Speaker 1: to the resentment and then also leads us to the
Speaker 1: silent killer here, which is like outgrowing the relationship without
Speaker 1: admitting it. At some point we got to be real
Speaker 1: with ourselves, like, Okay, the love exists, but the alignment
Speaker 1: no longer does. And that is such a hard pill
Speaker 1: to swallow at times, especially when you've invested so much,
Speaker 1: like I remember even myself like been in situations where
Speaker 1: it's like I've invested so much time, Damn, now I've
Speaker 1: outgrown the relationship. Or you feel bad or you feel guilty,
Speaker 1: like it's tricky, right.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think the thing is is that what
Speaker 2: we don't often acknowledge in this is that sometimes the
Speaker 2: relationship truly has ended long before. Oh yeah, it ended physically, right,
Speaker 2: So like we have those moments where we're in that
Speaker 2: space of moving as if we're rumors, right, And what
Speaker 2: happens is that, Like I see this more often with
Speaker 2: couples who were together when they were really young, right,
Speaker 2: so high school sweethearts who got together and who they
Speaker 2: were when they were in high school. Fast forward ten
Speaker 2: years and they're not the same person. Fast forward another
Speaker 2: five on top of that, and they're not the same person.
Speaker 2: And what happens is that they still love their partner,
Speaker 2: but perhaps they've outgrown one another. They weren't doing those
Speaker 2: yearly check ins with each other, and this can often.
Speaker 2: This often occurs typically around career, so more likely to
Speaker 2: see it when in the heterosexual dynamic, the woman her
Speaker 2: career takes off, right. So and for black women in particular,
Speaker 2: we know this statistically that the woman has gone on
Speaker 2: and she's gotten after multiple degrees, she is getting promoted.
Speaker 2: She now is in a space where she might be
Speaker 2: out earning her partner, right, So we have that piece,
Speaker 2: But then you add with that, as she has progressed,
Speaker 2: how she shows up in the world, how she shows
Speaker 2: up in her relationship has progressed as well. Maybe she's
Speaker 2: in therapy and her partner is like, I don't believe
Speaker 2: in that therapy. Bullshit, girl, Because I can't tell you
Speaker 2: the number of times that I have spoken with black
Speaker 2: women and they are in therapy and their partners have
Speaker 2: said that to them. I, as a therapist myself, have
Speaker 2: gone on with guys who have said that and that
Speaker 2: they're at that point. I'm like, I can't, Like, I
Speaker 2: can't because this is the work that I do. Yeah,
Speaker 2: And so they're doing the women are doing the work
Speaker 2: and their partners are not keeping up. Now, I don't
Speaker 2: want y'all coming from me in the comments saying that
Speaker 2: I am bashing black men because I'm not what I
Speaker 2: but this is what I hear most often, right, And
Speaker 2: that's not to say that it doesn't happen in the reverse.
Speaker 2: I'm speaking on what I hear most often.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that is so real, Domind. I've heard that too
Speaker 1: from friends as well. And I think about sometimes when
Speaker 1: people talk about outgrowing a relationship, they there's this assumption
Speaker 1: or this connotation that oh, it means I'm better than
Speaker 1: the other person, or like I elevated and they didn't
Speaker 1: but sometimes it can literally simply be different visions for
Speaker 1: your future, like you were, even like it could be
Speaker 1: career and that someone wants to move somewhere and the
Speaker 1: other person is prioritizing something else, or like emotional maturity
Speaker 1: gaps widening. And I think that often happens when one
Speaker 1: person is doing some type of therapeutic or just self help,
Speaker 1: professional development healing right, and the other person isn't one
Speaker 1: person evolving while the other resists growth right or staying
Speaker 1: because of history, fear, or potential and just kind of
Speaker 1: being comfortable. So it could be various things that are
Speaker 1: causing that the outgrowing of the relationship. But it's just
Speaker 1: something to keep in mind, Like, and it doesn't mean
Speaker 1: it's a bad thing. Sometimes sometimes we just graduate and
Speaker 1: we move on to another you know season that requires
Speaker 1: us to have different people in our lives.
Speaker 2: Yeah, because the reality is that so you know, not
Speaker 2: every relationship is ending because of toxic toxicity. Sometimes it's
Speaker 2: because the truth finally caught up with the compatibility, meaning
Speaker 2: the truth of where we are now we are no
Speaker 2: longer compatible. It doesn't mean you're a bad person, doesn't
Speaker 2: mean I'm a bad person. Does it require that some
Speaker 2: major rupture happened. We are simply no longer compatible and
Speaker 2: we are doing each other a disservice to continue to
Speaker 2: be in a relationship when we aren't compatible.
Speaker 1: Okay, period, Drop the mic, listen, and I think in closing,
Speaker 1: like relationship check ins are so important so you can
Speaker 1: continue to figure out like are we still a good fit?
Speaker 1: Like does it make sense for us to even be together? Right?
Speaker 1: And trying to strike while the iron's hot when something
Speaker 1: comes up so you're not holding on to resentment. And
Speaker 1: then a couple questions we want to leave you with
Speaker 1: if you want to like journal as you're tuning into
Speaker 1: the episode, or if you're watching us on YouTube since
Speaker 1: we're on YouTube now. One question is what have you
Speaker 1: normalized that it's quietly hurting you? And be honest like
Speaker 1: if when I say to that question, something may have
Speaker 1: come up for you, like, don't deny it. Be honest
Speaker 1: with yourself. The next one is what conversations are overdue
Speaker 1: in your relationship? And the final one is what does
Speaker 1: emotionally healthy love actually look like for you in this
Speaker 1: season of your life. We appreciate you for tuning in,
Speaker 1: and we'll catch you next week, Same Town same place.
Speaker 2: It's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.
Speaker 2: Are you currently a resident of the state of California
Speaker 2: and contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please
Speaker 2: reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com.
Speaker 2: That's d R D O M I n I q
Speaker 2: U E b R O U ss ar D dot
Speaker 2: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look
Speaker 2: forward to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning into Cultivating
Speaker 2: her Space. Remember that while this podcast is all about healing, empowerment,
Speaker 2: and resilience, it's not a substitute for therapy. If you
Speaker 2: or someone you know need support, check out resources like
Speaker 2: Therapy for Black Girls or Psychology Today. If you love
Speaker 2: today's episode, do us a favor and share it with
Speaker 2: a friend who needs some inspiration or leave us a
Speaker 2: quick five star review. Your support means the world to
Speaker 2: us and helps keep this space thriving.
Speaker 1: And before we meet again, repeat after me and move
Speaker 1: in alignment not urgency. What's meant for me? Respond to me,
Speaker 1: Keep thriving, lady, and tune in next Friday for more
Speaker 1: inspiration from Cultivating her Space. In the meantime, be sure
Speaker 1: to connect with us on Instagram, at her space podcast
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