WEBVTT - 7 Silent Relationship Killers We Rarely Talk About 0:00:01.400 --> 0:00:04.240 On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 0:00:04.960 --> 0:00:11.039 Resentment oftentimes does not begin with this huge betrayal. Right, yes, 0:00:11.840 --> 0:00:19.279 resentment often begins with repeated neglect. Hey lady, have you 0:00:19.360 --> 0:00:23.640 ever felt like the world just doesn't get you? Well? 0:00:24.440 --> 0:00:29.000 We do. Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated 0:00:29.040 --> 0:00:31.360 to uplifting and empowering women like you. 0:00:32.520 --> 0:00:38.400 We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard and educator and psychologists. 0:00:37.360 --> 0:00:40.960 And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker. 0:00:41.440 --> 0:00:45.880 Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from 0:00:46.000 --> 0:00:50.720 fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black 0:00:50.760 --> 0:00:54.280 women to just be. 0:00:54.280 --> 0:00:56.280 Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow 0:00:56.360 --> 0:00:59.120 button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady, 0:00:59.160 --> 0:01:02.400 we are black and black owned, and your support will 0:01:02.400 --> 0:01:04.440 help us reach even more women like you. 0:01:05.400 --> 0:01:10.080 Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 0:01:12.040 --> 0:01:15.840 If you want more speaking engagements, collaborations, or visibility for 0:01:15.880 --> 0:01:18.480 your brand, I got to tell you the truth. This 0:01:18.600 --> 0:01:20.640 is Terry low Max and I've been a public speaker 0:01:20.640 --> 0:01:24.640 for over twelve years. I've lended national media, a TED Talk, 0:01:24.760 --> 0:01:28.200 and six figure collaborations without a publicist or a big 0:01:28.240 --> 0:01:31.080 social media following. And here's what most people don't hear. 0:01:31.360 --> 0:01:33.840 You don't need a publicist or a massive audience to 0:01:33.880 --> 0:01:37.279 get booked. Most people are waiting to feel established first, 0:01:37.680 --> 0:01:40.679 and that waiting is costing them visibility. How many times 0:01:40.680 --> 0:01:43.480 have you looked up and seeing people with less experience 0:01:43.600 --> 0:01:46.919 getting opportunities you were fully qualified for. Here's the truth. 0:01:47.160 --> 0:01:50.400 Opportunities don't go to the most qualified. They go to 0:01:50.440 --> 0:01:54.120 the people who can clearly communicate their value. Once I 0:01:54.200 --> 0:01:57.240 learned how to organize my story and position my expertise 0:01:57.440 --> 0:02:01.480 using a framework, everything changed. If you want my exact 0:02:01.560 --> 0:02:05.720 pitch emails, word for word, my winning subject lines, and 0:02:06.000 --> 0:02:09.840 the Saucy Solutions framework, visit get that pitch dot com 0:02:10.200 --> 0:02:13.080 for a limited time use code her space for a 0:02:13.120 --> 0:02:15.720 special listener discount. If this is your year to stop 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:19.640 hiding and start getting booked, I'll see you inside. Visit 0:02:19.880 --> 0:02:24.840 get that pitch dot com or click the link in 0:02:24.880 --> 0:02:27.959 our show notes our quote of the day. 0:02:30.040 --> 0:02:35.919 Never be limited by other people's limited imaginations. That quote 0:02:35.919 --> 0:02:40.119 comes to us from doctor May Jamison. Now, now, team, 0:02:42.000 --> 0:02:44.800 I know you're here in this quote and you're like, 0:02:46.080 --> 0:02:47.040 what does this have to do. 0:02:46.960 --> 0:02:47.720 With this episode? 0:02:48.520 --> 0:02:53.520 But hear me out. Okay, So this quote is to 0:02:53.600 --> 0:02:57.960 me a fitting one for our conversation today because so 0:02:58.200 --> 0:03:02.079 many of the silent relationship killers that we're going to 0:03:02.160 --> 0:03:08.519 talk about are rooted in limitation, so limiting our voices, 0:03:09.200 --> 0:03:16.240 limiting our needs, limiting our honesty, limiting our healing, and 0:03:16.960 --> 0:03:21.600 shrinking ourselves to fit inside relationships that may no longer 0:03:21.760 --> 0:03:26.280 fit us. And so I think this quote reminds us 0:03:26.880 --> 0:03:32.520 that healthy love should expand you and not require you 0:03:33.160 --> 0:03:35.119 to abandon yourself. 0:03:37.200 --> 0:03:39.920 That's good. But you're right though, because I definitely saw 0:03:39.960 --> 0:03:41.880 that quote and I was like, Okay, let me see, 0:03:42.200 --> 0:03:44.040 let me see where you're going with this. But you know, 0:03:44.080 --> 0:03:46.200 it's funny. I was reflecting on it before we started, 0:03:46.200 --> 0:03:48.600 and I was like, Okay, I can kind of see 0:03:49.160 --> 0:03:52.000 how that can tie into the conversation because when I 0:03:52.000 --> 0:03:54.360 hear that quote, what comes up for me is how 0:03:55.120 --> 0:03:58.880 other people how they define a relationship and what's good 0:03:59.400 --> 0:04:01.760 can often and they can try to like influence what 0:04:01.760 --> 0:04:03.840 we how we feel about a relationship. Right, So sometimes 0:04:03.880 --> 0:04:06.320 the people around us, they may have a very limited 0:04:06.360 --> 0:04:09.360 idea about what healthy love looks like or just because 0:04:09.400 --> 0:04:14.560 of relationship checks certain boxes on paper. That doesn't mean 0:04:14.600 --> 0:04:16.720 that their media needs emotionally or physically. And I think 0:04:16.800 --> 0:04:19.560 back to don when I was younger, and a lot 0:04:19.600 --> 0:04:21.800 of the older women will be like, oh, just make 0:04:21.839 --> 0:04:24.520 sure you know he pay the bills and y'all never fight, 0:04:25.240 --> 0:04:27.080 or you know he does this and he does that 0:04:27.360 --> 0:04:29.360 and that's like a good relationship. Or people these days 0:04:29.440 --> 0:04:31.280 be like, oh, yeah, you look good on Instagram, or 0:04:31.320 --> 0:04:34.000 y'all have such a beautiful family. That's the girls shiite, 0:04:34.640 --> 0:04:37.280 y'all looks so good together. It's like he's a good man. 0:04:37.360 --> 0:04:39.320 He's a good man, and Savannah like all that. And 0:04:39.320 --> 0:04:43.000 it's like, well, yes, we don't communicate, or I don't 0:04:43.040 --> 0:04:46.440 feel seen, or I don't feel known right, or like 0:04:46.960 --> 0:04:49.520 I don't feel emotionally connected right. All those things are 0:04:49.560 --> 0:04:52.440 important as well. And so just because a relationship looks 0:04:52.480 --> 0:04:55.120 healthy from the outside doesn't mean that it's healthy from 0:04:55.120 --> 0:04:56.839 the inside. And so I'm really excited for us to 0:04:56.880 --> 0:04:58.960 dive into this, and I can see how that quote 0:04:59.160 --> 0:05:02.200 fits into it. I think that today's conversation is going 0:05:02.279 --> 0:05:04.159 to be a really interesting one because we'll get a 0:05:04.200 --> 0:05:06.279 chance to kind of talk about the things that people 0:05:06.360 --> 0:05:09.120 often don't talk about and also give voice to people 0:05:09.120 --> 0:05:12.240 who are in a space where they're like, well, nothing's 0:05:12.320 --> 0:05:15.479 really wrong, but something just doesn't feel right, Like there's 0:05:15.520 --> 0:05:18.800 nothing toxic going on, no infidelity, none of my boundaries 0:05:18.800 --> 0:05:21.719 have been violated, but something doesn't feel right, you know. 0:05:22.120 --> 0:05:29.000 Yeah, yeah, it's there needs to be. Just because certain 0:05:29.040 --> 0:05:32.839 boxes are checked off, doesn't mean that the relationship truly 0:05:33.080 --> 0:05:38.279 is healthy. Yeah, because oftentimes what we'll see by the 0:05:38.360 --> 0:05:41.200 end of this conversation today is that there truly are 0:05:41.400 --> 0:05:45.760 certain things that are happening in the relationship that aren't 0:05:45.800 --> 0:05:50.560 being talked about or might not even be in our 0:05:50.760 --> 0:05:53.040 conscious level of awareness right away. 0:05:54.040 --> 0:05:54.919 But to your. 0:05:54.800 --> 0:06:00.679 Point, it's that intuitive feeling that something is is off. 0:06:02.680 --> 0:06:05.000 Oh girl, I got some stories for today's episode too, Okay, 0:06:05.000 --> 0:06:07.120 I got some juicy stories, And I had a question 0:06:07.160 --> 0:06:09.120 for you before we jump on in, like, have you 0:06:09.160 --> 0:06:12.640 ever seen or have you ever like, have you ever 0:06:12.680 --> 0:06:14.720 witnessed this right where either in your own life or 0:06:14.760 --> 0:06:17.680 someone else's life or from the outside looking in, everything 0:06:17.920 --> 0:06:20.719 looked great, but from the inside there was a disconnect. 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:23.679 And if so, what does that disconnect look like in action? 0:06:23.839 --> 0:06:25.880 Like what was that guess, that thing or that moment 0:06:25.960 --> 0:06:27.520 for either you or that person. 0:06:29.680 --> 0:06:35.159 Yeah, I think as I'm sitting with that question, the 0:06:35.160 --> 0:06:37.960 things that immediately come up to me, like that ring 0:06:38.000 --> 0:06:41.880 a bell or like what you pointed out about looking 0:06:41.920 --> 0:06:47.120 good on paper, that this person checked all the boxes. 0:06:47.160 --> 0:06:49.840 Like you know, we've talked about this on the podcast 0:06:49.880 --> 0:06:52.800 before about having your list right of like your needs, 0:06:52.839 --> 0:06:57.080 your wants, your non negotiables, and this person was not 0:06:58.640 --> 0:07:03.640 violating any of those non negotiables. They check all the 0:07:03.680 --> 0:07:09.000 boxes of what you need and some of what you want. However, 0:07:11.880 --> 0:07:17.160 like the couple, they weren't happy. Yeah, and part of 0:07:17.240 --> 0:07:23.679 why they weren't really happy is because they were almost 0:07:23.720 --> 0:07:30.120 moving like roommates. And so for me, when I hear that, 0:07:30.480 --> 0:07:33.960 oh we're it's like we're existing almost as if we're roommates. 0:07:34.040 --> 0:07:37.280 Things are you know, like you said, there's there weren't 0:07:37.280 --> 0:07:40.560 any arguments. They are checking the boxes for me, then 0:07:40.640 --> 0:07:43.520 it becomes okay, if you all are existing kind of 0:07:43.560 --> 0:07:47.800 like roommates, maybe we need to go back and reevaluate 0:07:47.880 --> 0:07:51.680 what those boxes are under your needs to see if 0:07:51.680 --> 0:07:54.120 they truly are still meeting your needs. 0:07:55.600 --> 0:07:57.720 Yeah, that's good because it could have met your needs 0:07:57.720 --> 0:08:00.320 at one point. The girl, we be evolving and so 0:08:00.480 --> 0:08:03.960 things change. Okay, let's talk about this first silent killer, 0:08:03.960 --> 0:08:05.920 because I got some shit to tell you, Okay, Okay, 0:08:05.960 --> 0:08:09.080 So the first one is emotional withholding. 0:08:09.240 --> 0:08:09.400 Right. 0:08:09.440 --> 0:08:14.120 So it's this idea of I shouldn't have to ask. Okay, now, girl, 0:08:14.400 --> 0:08:16.119 what y'all lady is you listen? 0:08:16.200 --> 0:08:16.800 I got, I got. 0:08:16.960 --> 0:08:19.120 I want to know if anyone else can relate to this, okay, 0:08:19.120 --> 0:08:21.440 because this is the core idea here, is that many 0:08:21.520 --> 0:08:25.480 relationships suffer not from an explosive conflict, right, but from 0:08:25.520 --> 0:08:29.560 emotional starvation. Right. And so let me just preface this 0:08:29.600 --> 0:08:33.199 by saying, and I'm sure you you all can relate, right, 0:08:33.240 --> 0:08:36.480 you and the lady listening. So, as a strong black woman, right, 0:08:36.920 --> 0:08:41.600 strong independent black woman, right, I don't necessarily want to 0:08:41.600 --> 0:08:45.240 have to ask, Like in a relationship, there are certain things. 0:08:45.720 --> 0:08:47.880 Let me just tell you, to a certain there are 0:08:47.880 --> 0:08:49.760 certain things. Don't gonna give you the example. Okay, So 0:08:49.800 --> 0:08:51.760 there are certain things. Now I'm like, okay, cool, but 0:08:51.840 --> 0:08:53.320 let me just tell you what I struggled with in 0:08:53.360 --> 0:08:55.840 the past. Right. And if I do have to ask, 0:08:56.240 --> 0:08:57.920 wait for the wait for the ball to drop here. 0:08:58.400 --> 0:08:59.800 I don't want to have to ask over and over 0:08:59.840 --> 0:09:01.320 that it's just me being honest. But it's a certain 0:09:01.360 --> 0:09:03.040 thing in particular. Okay, So let me give an example. 0:09:03.320 --> 0:09:07.000 I was dating this skuy okay, and I am inquisitive 0:09:07.040 --> 0:09:09.599 by nature, like I'm very interested in people. Girl, I 0:09:09.720 --> 0:09:12.480 be in the uber and this is this older I 0:09:12.480 --> 0:09:14.600 think it was this older Indian man. One day we're 0:09:14.600 --> 0:09:16.520 in the uber. He was telling me about his dad 0:09:16.559 --> 0:09:18.199 and stuff that inspire him, and I'm just like, oh, 0:09:18.200 --> 0:09:20.160 for real. And then what happened. And then when I 0:09:20.200 --> 0:09:21.280 was a girl by the time I got the car, 0:09:21.360 --> 0:09:22.959 He's like, I'm sorry for talking so much. I was like, 0:09:23.000 --> 0:09:26.359 it's cool, Like I'm inquisitive, right, So I asked questions. 0:09:26.640 --> 0:09:28.920 I'm asking follow up questions. I'm just interested in people 0:09:28.960 --> 0:09:31.160 in general. So if I'm in a relationship, of course 0:09:31.200 --> 0:09:34.640 I am. Now here's the thing. In this particular relationship. 0:09:34.920 --> 0:09:36.959 I a would share certain things about what I had 0:09:37.000 --> 0:09:39.640 going on, and it would just be like it would 0:09:39.640 --> 0:09:43.360 fall flat. So it'd be like, Okay, that's cool, I'm thinking, mother, 0:09:43.440 --> 0:09:45.440 I could ask me a question like be interested. 0:09:45.559 --> 0:09:45.679 Ye. 0:09:45.960 --> 0:09:48.360 So when I was sitting when I was working through 0:09:48.360 --> 0:09:50.400 this in therapy, and I was telling my therapists like 0:09:50.480 --> 0:09:53.199 I really try to communicate in relationships because I don't 0:09:53.200 --> 0:09:54.920 want resentment to build up, and I know I need 0:09:54.920 --> 0:09:58.280 to share this, but also I'm gonna be real like this. 0:09:58.280 --> 0:10:00.920 This may be like the tough girl like the Philly 0:10:00.920 --> 0:10:02.520 Party be coming out, but I'm like, I don't want 0:10:02.520 --> 0:10:05.720 to be thirsty being like I don't want to feel 0:10:05.720 --> 0:10:07.680 like a little pussy, like can you ask me questions 0:10:07.679 --> 0:10:09.560 about myself? Like I just feel like that. I just 0:10:09.559 --> 0:10:12.800 felt goofy like asking that, right, But because I value 0:10:12.840 --> 0:10:14.920 the relationship and I was working through it in therapy, 0:10:15.000 --> 0:10:16.880 she was like, Okay, well, sometimes you do have to 0:10:17.000 --> 0:10:19.400 lead people to, you know, where you want to be. 0:10:19.480 --> 0:10:22.920 So I did start communicating that and it did help. 0:10:23.200 --> 0:10:26.280 But girl, I felt so silly and vulnerable doing that initially, 0:10:26.320 --> 0:10:28.240 And so I think it goes back to that silent 0:10:28.320 --> 0:10:31.800 killer of this idea of like I shouldn't have to ask, 0:10:31.880 --> 0:10:35.880 but in actuality, people don't remind right. 0:10:36.320 --> 0:10:40.400 Yes, and so so, lady, if you're watching this on YouTube, 0:10:40.920 --> 0:10:44.320 then you probably saw my facial expressions as soon as 0:10:44.400 --> 0:10:48.319 T mentioned this, because I really was like, girl, and 0:10:48.480 --> 0:10:54.240 I and I'm rolling my eyes because because okay, So, 0:10:54.280 --> 0:10:56.920 on one hand, I want to honor and respect what 0:10:56.920 --> 0:11:02.920 you're saying around like it is vulnerable to have to ask, right, However, 0:11:04.800 --> 0:11:08.520 no one in our life is a mind reader, not 0:11:08.920 --> 0:11:14.439 our friends, not our family, and for certainly not our partners. 0:11:15.480 --> 0:11:20.880 And so to expect that the people in our lives 0:11:21.880 --> 0:11:27.680 automatically know all the things is an unrealistic expectation that 0:11:27.840 --> 0:11:34.240 is setting you up for disappointment and could be delaying 0:11:34.280 --> 0:11:40.679 the foundation for resentment and conflict within the relationship. Right, So, 0:11:42.559 --> 0:11:45.560 for me, when I hear this, what I hear is 0:11:47.040 --> 0:11:49.720 we're looking for mind readers and that doesn't exist. And 0:11:49.800 --> 0:11:53.600 so what needs to happen is we have to learn 0:11:54.160 --> 0:12:00.680 to ask for what we need, and yes, sometimes we 0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:05.280 will need to be given reminders. Here's the way I 0:12:05.320 --> 0:12:09.800 help people understand it. If you think about all the 0:12:09.840 --> 0:12:15.640 people in your life, can you honestly say that you 0:12:15.960 --> 0:12:24.480 remember everything that they need? Can you truly remember every 0:12:24.640 --> 0:12:30.480 boundary that they have? Like, literally pause and think about that, 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:33.640 every person in your life who you have a close 0:12:33.679 --> 0:12:37.840 relationship with, can you tell me every single one of 0:12:37.880 --> 0:12:43.040 their boundaries? Can you tell me everything that it is 0:12:43.040 --> 0:12:46.360 that they need? I already know that the answer is no. 0:12:47.440 --> 0:12:51.040 So like, let's not even go there like the answer 0:12:51.080 --> 0:12:58.280 is no, and so you cannot expect that the people 0:12:58.320 --> 0:13:03.680 in your life are going to remember everything that you need. 0:13:04.760 --> 0:13:08.840 And now I get that, particularly with romantic partners, that 0:13:08.960 --> 0:13:15.120 it is. It is helpful and we may find ourselves 0:13:15.200 --> 0:13:22.520 like more enamored and closer when we have a partner 0:13:22.640 --> 0:13:26.679 who remembers all the things that we want and need 0:13:26.880 --> 0:13:31.680 and they address that right. But the reality is that 0:13:32.120 --> 0:13:35.520 there will need to be reminders. 0:13:36.200 --> 0:13:38.080 Yeah, I do want to say something else. I'm that 0:13:38.080 --> 0:13:40.359 I think that a spot on And it was definitely 0:13:41.360 --> 0:13:44.439 it was a hard thing to grasp initially because for instance, 0:13:44.520 --> 0:13:47.720 right in the bedroom, I feel comfortable and like do this, 0:13:47.760 --> 0:13:49.960 do that, do that? Like you know, that's one area. 0:13:50.080 --> 0:13:51.839 But I feel like for me and lady, this is 0:13:51.880 --> 0:13:53.720 if you're listening in, this resonates with you. Hopefully this 0:13:53.760 --> 0:13:56.199 is like something you can take on your journey. For me, 0:13:56.360 --> 0:13:58.839 it was like the thing I'm asking for. It feels 0:13:58.840 --> 0:14:00.840 so basic because it's like I do for you, like 0:14:00.880 --> 0:14:02.640 you tell me about your day or something that's going on, 0:14:02.760 --> 0:14:05.000 and I'm engrossed to engage in the story, and it's 0:14:05.000 --> 0:14:06.800 like in my mind it's like I would assume that 0:14:06.920 --> 0:14:09.240 like that should be reciprocated, because then the thing was like, 0:14:09.240 --> 0:14:11.360 well are you are you not interested? And like what 0:14:11.400 --> 0:14:13.960 I got going on? So I think there's levels to 0:14:14.080 --> 0:14:17.520 it when it comes like the vulnerability, the assumptions that 0:14:17.520 --> 0:14:20.040 you're making, and so it is still important to ask 0:14:20.080 --> 0:14:23.400 for sure, And I think there's also balance between asking, 0:14:23.920 --> 0:14:26.160 giving feedback and then them showing up and implementing it, 0:14:26.160 --> 0:14:29.000 because I think that's where things can get tricky when 0:14:29.000 --> 0:14:31.600 it comes like over time, someone's like, you know what, 0:14:31.640 --> 0:14:33.560 fuck it, I ain't even sharing nothing no more because 0:14:33.800 --> 0:14:36.840 I've been vulnerable. I share and you're not even implementing. 0:14:36.880 --> 0:14:38.920 You're not even trying, like at all, you know what 0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:39.280 I mean? 0:14:40.600 --> 0:14:43.720 Well, I think that that leads us to the next 0:14:44.000 --> 0:14:49.520 silent killer, which is the unspoken resentment, right, And so 0:14:49.680 --> 0:14:56.440 it's this accumulation of tiny disappointments that Yeah, so what 0:14:56.480 --> 0:15:02.320 we know is that resentment oftentimes does not begin with 0:15:02.520 --> 0:15:09.800 this huge betrayal, right, Yes, resentment often begins with repeated neglect. 0:15:09.880 --> 0:15:14.600 And so in this situation that you're pointing out that, yeah, 0:15:14.920 --> 0:15:21.160 if I've asked you to engage in conversation with me 0:15:22.440 --> 0:15:28.120 and ask me questions, appear interested and over time, you 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:31.480 aren't meeting like, you aren't doing that right, and I've 0:15:31.520 --> 0:15:35.280 asked multiple times that I've done the reminders right and 0:15:35.360 --> 0:15:40.680 you still aren't doing that. Then yeah, then more and 0:15:40.800 --> 0:15:44.640 also more than likely that that means that there are 0:15:44.760 --> 0:15:49.320 other moments when you all are communicating that they are 0:15:49.360 --> 0:15:55.360 disappointing you. That you might get excited about something. You 0:15:55.440 --> 0:15:57.960 might go to share something as you're super excited about 0:15:58.480 --> 0:16:03.000 and their response is just yeah, it's like, oh, that's great, 0:16:03.400 --> 0:16:06.480 and you're like, wait, I was expecting. I was expecting 0:16:06.480 --> 0:16:10.360 a big fan fare because with the emotion and tone 0:16:10.360 --> 0:16:14.000 that I'm communicating this to you, I would hope that 0:16:14.040 --> 0:16:16.840 you would pick up on the context clues and give 0:16:16.880 --> 0:16:21.040 me some excitement back. Yeah, And when that doesn't happen, 0:16:21.480 --> 0:16:28.080 then yeah, that's another tiny disappointment. And over time you 0:16:28.280 --> 0:16:34.600 start because of those repeated disappointments, you start to build 0:16:35.240 --> 0:16:37.560 resentment that is. 0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:39.920 So real too, because it's like, Okay, I was vulnerable, 0:16:40.160 --> 0:16:43.120 I share the feedback, and now it's like, okay, I'm 0:16:43.160 --> 0:16:48.560 giving you opportunities to showcase you know, the feedback right, 0:16:48.600 --> 0:16:51.400 to showcase the things that I desire, and it doesn't happen, 0:16:51.480 --> 0:16:53.000 and so I can see how the resentment builds up. 0:16:53.280 --> 0:16:54.640 One of the things I explored, and I'd love to 0:16:54.640 --> 0:16:56.240 give your perspective on this, said lead you think about 0:16:56.240 --> 0:16:59.360 this in your own life. At what point, so again, 0:16:59.440 --> 0:17:01.840 let's pink the right. Everything in the relationship's going well, 0:17:01.880 --> 0:17:05.040 we actually have fun together, we are doing well, there's 0:17:05.080 --> 0:17:08.000 nothing bad going on. However, when I share things about 0:17:08.440 --> 0:17:10.199 whatever's going on in my life, I don't I'm not 0:17:10.280 --> 0:17:12.960 being met there and it's happening consistently now even after 0:17:12.960 --> 0:17:15.359 sharing feedback. At what point do you think, Okay, you 0:17:15.400 --> 0:17:18.040 know what this person, maybe this is part of the 0:17:18.119 --> 0:17:20.879 relationship that I just maybe this is where they this 0:17:20.960 --> 0:17:23.679 is a place where they cannot meet me, and maybe 0:17:23.720 --> 0:17:25.919 I need to outsource this, and maybe they're not the 0:17:25.920 --> 0:17:28.000 person I go to for this. I don't know. Part 0:17:28.040 --> 0:17:30.800 of me feels like I know some people they believe 0:17:30.840 --> 0:17:33.400 in kind of having different people for different things. Part 0:17:33.400 --> 0:17:35.520 of me, if you're in a monogamous relationship with least, 0:17:35.520 --> 0:17:37.280 I'm like, oh, I can see all that. It may 0:17:37.320 --> 0:17:38.919 work for some people, but then I'm also like, I 0:17:38.960 --> 0:17:41.119 want my person to be able to hold me in 0:17:41.160 --> 0:17:43.959 that way. What are your thoughts on outsourcing that if 0:17:43.960 --> 0:17:46.640 the person shows consistently that you know what I can't 0:17:46.920 --> 0:17:49.040 they struggling, You can't even ask a god damn follow 0:17:49.119 --> 0:17:50.840 up a question or show any interest. 0:17:51.400 --> 0:17:54.520 So to me, it's about where your values lie, right, 0:17:54.840 --> 0:18:02.520 Because I do support outsourcing, because I'm a firm believer 0:18:02.720 --> 0:18:09.000 that your partner does not have to be your everything. Yeah, 0:18:09.280 --> 0:18:14.400 your partner does not have to match you in every 0:18:14.440 --> 0:18:23.680 single interest. That in an ideal interdependent, healthy loving relationship dynamic, 0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:30.080 both partners have things that they share together and then 0:18:30.119 --> 0:18:33.080 there are things interests that they have separate from their 0:18:33.119 --> 0:18:36.320 partner that they connect with other people on, or maybe 0:18:36.359 --> 0:18:40.280 it's solo things that they connect on. Right, in this 0:18:40.320 --> 0:18:44.800 particular example that you're providing, though, for me, it's about values. 0:18:45.280 --> 0:18:50.440 So for you, what you're saying is that you value 0:18:50.760 --> 0:18:56.919 deeper level emotional connection and conversation with your partner, and 0:18:57.000 --> 0:19:00.920 because that is a high value for you, that is 0:19:00.960 --> 0:19:05.840 not something that can be outsourced in this relationship. Now, 0:19:06.480 --> 0:19:09.920 let's say that your partner, let's say that you are 0:19:11.520 --> 0:19:12.840 interested in. 0:19:14.640 --> 0:19:15.000 Yoga. 0:19:15.520 --> 0:19:19.639 Okay, yoga is the thing that you like, you love 0:19:19.720 --> 0:19:24.040 for fitness. Your partner has absolutely no interest in that, 0:19:24.600 --> 0:19:29.800 right While yoga is important to you. On your list 0:19:29.880 --> 0:19:33.639 of values, Yoga is not high up there, right, So like, 0:19:33.720 --> 0:19:36.120 if you didn't do yoga for the day, you're not 0:19:36.160 --> 0:19:38.840 going to be upset. It's not high up on your 0:19:38.880 --> 0:19:42.320 list of values. So it's not a big deal if 0:19:42.320 --> 0:19:46.159 your partner doesn't share your interest in that. Yeah, but 0:19:47.200 --> 0:19:52.080 having these conversations, you value that more than yoga. And 0:19:52.160 --> 0:19:54.800 so then your partner needs to be able to meet 0:19:54.840 --> 0:20:00.960 you on that, and if they can't, then that will 0:20:01.000 --> 0:20:02.760 cause problems in the relationship. 0:20:03.600 --> 0:20:08.760 Yeah. Wof, that's interesting. And speaking of problems, we're going 0:20:08.840 --> 0:20:11.679 to move on to another one. And this came up 0:20:11.720 --> 0:20:15.879 a lot in our previous friendship conflict avoidance, right, and 0:20:15.920 --> 0:20:18.200 I think it's important for us to remember that peacekeeping 0:20:18.359 --> 0:20:20.840 is not the same as peace just like and that 0:20:20.920 --> 0:20:22.040 was something I used to do back in the day 0:20:22.040 --> 0:20:24.720 two girl, Like, I was very conflict avoidant, having to 0:20:24.760 --> 0:20:27.040 be the peacemaker growing up in the household. And so 0:20:27.080 --> 0:20:29.040 I just brushed it under the rug. Just brush it 0:20:29.119 --> 0:20:31.520 under the rug. Oh, I'm okay, smiling, Oh, it's all good. 0:20:31.680 --> 0:20:34.040 And then you have this this mound right like under 0:20:34.080 --> 0:20:36.040 the rug. It's like, is there a mountain under there. 0:20:36.480 --> 0:20:37.879 So what are your I don't know, do you have 0:20:37.920 --> 0:20:40.960 any stories or examples about being conflict avoidant on what 0:20:41.000 --> 0:20:44.879 you've seen happen in relationships. When people are conflict avoidant, 0:20:44.880 --> 0:20:46.680 they may be like, oh, yeah, I've heard this. We 0:20:46.840 --> 0:20:50.199 never argue, we never have disagreements, and it's like, oh 0:20:50.480 --> 0:20:54.280 that is I don't know. Yeah, sound healthy. 0:20:54.400 --> 0:20:57.240 So to me, it is not healthy, right, because part 0:20:57.240 --> 0:21:02.280 of a healthy dynamic is being able to navigate through conflict. 0:21:03.480 --> 0:21:05.600 And I think part of it is is how people 0:21:05.680 --> 0:21:12.280 perceive conflict. Conflict doesn't have to mean that it's the 0:21:12.440 --> 0:21:16.800 end of the relationship, and conflict doesn't have to mean 0:21:17.400 --> 0:21:23.119 that we are having this big blowout, knockdown, drag out fight. 0:21:25.280 --> 0:21:32.240 Conflict means we don't agree on something. We could have 0:21:32.400 --> 0:21:37.600 conflict over what we want for dinner. I might be 0:21:37.680 --> 0:21:40.359 in the move for tacos, you might be in the 0:21:40.400 --> 0:21:48.000 move for a salad. We're not agreeing. That's conflict. Now 0:21:48.040 --> 0:21:52.160 does it have to become a big deal, Like, does 0:21:52.200 --> 0:21:55.000 it have to become a blowout, drag out, knockdown fight. 0:21:55.600 --> 0:21:55.840 No. 0:21:57.080 --> 0:22:00.880 But what happens is when we're focused on being peacekeeper 0:22:01.440 --> 0:22:04.480 and we're folks and we're someone who is conflict avoidant. 0:22:05.480 --> 0:22:09.560 If I'm the person who's conflict avoidant, even though I've 0:22:09.640 --> 0:22:13.000 initially voiced that I want those that I wanted tacos 0:22:13.040 --> 0:22:18.360 for dinner and my partner says he wants salad, I'm 0:22:18.400 --> 0:22:22.359 conflict avoidant, So I'm gonna say, let's go ahead and 0:22:22.400 --> 0:22:27.719 have that salad. Now. To your point, like, what that 0:22:27.840 --> 0:22:30.240 does is that does start to build up over time 0:22:32.000 --> 0:22:36.000 and then there's no longer. There may be peace within 0:22:36.119 --> 0:22:43.800 the dynamic, but internally you have no peace because internally 0:22:43.960 --> 0:22:52.480 you are constantly acquiescing for what the sake of having peace, 0:22:52.520 --> 0:22:55.160 but you're not really having peace. So it defeats the purpose. 0:22:56.240 --> 0:22:59.240 And I think part of what it is too, particularly 0:22:59.359 --> 0:23:04.199 for us as black women, is that oftentimes we receive 0:23:04.280 --> 0:23:08.800 the narrative in various spaces that the you know, the 0:23:08.840 --> 0:23:15.480 angry black woman's stereotype, or that you're being dramatic, or 0:23:16.119 --> 0:23:17.720 you're just too that's you're. 0:23:17.680 --> 0:23:20.440 Just too much, are too difficult. 0:23:21.200 --> 0:23:25.680 Right, And so to avoid that in our romantic relationships, 0:23:26.119 --> 0:23:33.639 we may find ourselves shutting down and saying it's fine, 0:23:33.880 --> 0:23:39.520 we can do what you want. Meanwhile, we on internally 0:23:40.720 --> 0:23:44.840 are erupting and I also, and I want to point 0:23:44.880 --> 0:23:48.399 out that when I say internally there's no peace, this 0:23:48.640 --> 0:23:54.160 also leads to lots of physical health problems. 0:23:54.280 --> 0:23:55.520 I was just thinking that. 0:23:56.040 --> 0:24:01.200 And so it becomes so this, this silence, yes, becomes 0:24:01.240 --> 0:24:04.320 a killer, literally killing us. 0:24:04.720 --> 0:24:08.480 Yeah, all right, lady, we're going to take a quick 0:24:08.520 --> 0:24:11.640 pause to share something we genuinely love and are excited 0:24:11.680 --> 0:24:14.760 to partner with. 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