WEBVTT - I Choose … Getting Naked with Valerie Bertinelli 0:00:01.600 --> 0:00:08.920 You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Girl. Welcome 0:00:09.000 --> 0:00:12.440 back to I Choose Me. My guest is Valerie Bertinelli, 0:00:12.800 --> 0:00:16.439 a woman who lived nearly five decades in the public eye, 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:19.720 beginning as the beloved girl next door on One Day 0:00:19.760 --> 0:00:22.319 at a time, a show I was not allowed to 0:00:22.360 --> 0:00:24.520 watch because it was a little too sassy for my 0:00:24.600 --> 0:00:28.040 mom's taste. We watched her grow up on screen, but 0:00:28.120 --> 0:00:31.640 what we didn't see was how early fame can shape you, 0:00:32.040 --> 0:00:34.600 and how easy it is to become who everyone else 0:00:34.760 --> 0:00:37.640 expects you to be. From a public marriage to the 0:00:37.680 --> 0:00:40.960 late Eddie Van Halen to private battles she's carried on 0:00:41.040 --> 0:00:44.479 her own. Valerie's story is about the long arc of 0:00:44.560 --> 0:00:47.960 coming home to yourself now, in a chapter that feels 0:00:48.080 --> 0:00:53.000 raw and quietly rebellious, she's choosing radical honesty through her 0:00:53.080 --> 0:00:57.000 book Getting Naked and a direct to fan platform that 0:00:57.120 --> 0:01:01.400 lets her speak in her own voice. What a privilege 0:01:01.480 --> 0:01:04.760 it is to have Valerie Bertanelli here today. I'm so 0:01:04.840 --> 0:01:07.640 happy that you're here. You just strolled into my studio 0:01:07.800 --> 0:01:08.600 like you're my neighbor. 0:01:10.680 --> 0:01:12.720 You're I kind of know you. I don't even though 0:01:12.720 --> 0:01:14.679 we've never met. It's like Oh, yeah, there's Jenny Greth. 0:01:15.000 --> 0:01:17.119 Isn't it weird that we've never met like paths. 0:01:17.400 --> 0:01:21.000 Well, we're kind of well because I'm older than you, 0:01:21.040 --> 0:01:25.440 so we kind of situations like your part. 0:01:25.400 --> 0:01:26.039 You and me. 0:01:26.160 --> 0:01:29.440 I was right behind you, trailing inspired by you all 0:01:29.480 --> 0:01:31.680 the way. By the way, Oh my god, No, I've 0:01:31.920 --> 0:01:35.200 adored you one because you've always reminded me and my 0:01:35.240 --> 0:01:35.919 sister Cammi. 0:01:36.160 --> 0:01:38.399 Oh like, that's how I got the job on One 0:01:38.440 --> 0:01:40.800 D at a time. You because I reminded Laera of 0:01:40.800 --> 0:01:41.920 his daughter Maggie. 0:01:42.040 --> 0:01:42.720 Oh my god. 0:01:43.680 --> 0:01:47.000 I remind people a lot of like siblings or mothers 0:01:47.120 --> 0:01:48.720 or daughters or Yeah. 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:52.000 That's why you're so relatable and I love you so much. 0:01:52.880 --> 0:01:55.960 So you this new book that you you've written, your 0:01:56.000 --> 0:01:58.360 new memoir, Getting Naked. I think it was in the 0:01:58.400 --> 0:02:00.680 first chapter there was something that really grat me right away, 0:02:00.680 --> 0:02:02.280 and I'm just going to read it because I don't 0:02:02.280 --> 0:02:04.840 want to mess it up. Who do I see when 0:02:04.880 --> 0:02:07.720 I look at myself? Who am I looking at? There's 0:02:07.720 --> 0:02:10.960 the version the world sees and the me that only 0:02:11.040 --> 0:02:15.040 I know, The inside me and the outside me? Is 0:02:15.120 --> 0:02:18.600 one more important than the other? Should they sync up? 0:02:19.320 --> 0:02:23.760 What if they don't HI feel familiar? Yeah? 0:02:24.800 --> 0:02:28.720 Yeah, and it's I still to this day, I'm getting closer. 0:02:28.800 --> 0:02:30.600 The two are sinking up, you know, more and more 0:02:30.639 --> 0:02:33.960 the older I get. But I do wonder of like 0:02:34.720 --> 0:02:36.720 who I'm looking at? Who do I want to see? 0:02:37.360 --> 0:02:39.480 When you know, I see me looking back at me? 0:02:39.760 --> 0:02:42.680 And and do they line up? Do they have to 0:02:42.720 --> 0:02:43.120 line up? 0:02:43.240 --> 0:02:43.720 I don't know. 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:44.040 Is it? 0:02:44.200 --> 0:02:45.480 I don't know because. 0:02:45.200 --> 0:02:51.040 I'm sinssary or actresses, so we do act, but I. 0:02:50.040 --> 0:02:54.400 I mean, I'm not acting a lot when I'm out 0:02:54.440 --> 0:02:56.440 in public, and you know, people come up to me 0:02:56.480 --> 0:02:57.560 on airplanes. 0:02:57.080 --> 0:02:59.880 And airports or whatever. It's just like, that's just me, right, 0:03:00.120 --> 0:03:02.200 you know. And it's so funny because some people like, look, 0:03:02.240 --> 0:03:04.120 where's you're a entra I'm like, no, it's just me 0:03:04.200 --> 0:03:06.519 carrying my luggage going to the airplane. 0:03:06.639 --> 0:03:08.880 That's right. You walked in here with not a publicist, 0:03:09.080 --> 0:03:11.919 no no manager, no assistant, no bapart. 0:03:11.480 --> 0:03:13.920 Is I don't like I understand some people that have 0:03:13.960 --> 0:03:14.320 to do that. 0:03:15.040 --> 0:03:17.440 But I've been around so long I think people actually 0:03:17.520 --> 0:03:21.800 do think I'm like their neighbor or someone that they 0:03:21.880 --> 0:03:25.120 knew from high school. I know, you look familiar, so 0:03:25.360 --> 0:03:31.840 I just don't feel Maybe I've been in the public 0:03:31.840 --> 0:03:35.000 eye for so long that it just doesn't feel abnormal anymore. 0:03:35.520 --> 0:03:38.320 And I still and I'm able to just go on 0:03:38.440 --> 0:03:41.080 with my life. Go to the grocery store, I go 0:03:41.200 --> 0:03:43.520 to the dry cleaners. I clean my cat poop out 0:03:43.520 --> 0:03:45.520 of the cat box. I mean, I just like I 0:03:45.840 --> 0:03:48.520 have a normal life. I have an abnormal job. 0:03:48.680 --> 0:03:49.320 Real people. 0:03:50.160 --> 0:03:51.320 That's what some. 0:03:51.200 --> 0:03:53.480 People find it so hard to believe, is that we're 0:03:53.560 --> 0:03:56.480 like actual, living, breathing human beings. 0:03:57.160 --> 0:03:59.280 Yeah, I just picked up dog poop before you got here. 0:03:59.480 --> 0:04:02.320 So and that's a cute damn dog too. 0:04:02.320 --> 0:04:04.960 The little dotty potty. It's okay, But. 0:04:05.000 --> 0:04:07.840 That's I mean, we literally have lives that, you know. 0:04:07.880 --> 0:04:10.760 I take my dog to the vet, take my cat 0:04:10.880 --> 0:04:11.280 to the vet. 0:04:11.320 --> 0:04:12.840 I was New Year's Eve. 0:04:12.880 --> 0:04:14.880 I was at the vet with my cat, you know, 0:04:15.040 --> 0:04:17.719 last New Year's Eve when when Nelson had passed. But 0:04:18.480 --> 0:04:21.760 so I don't I guess, I'm it doesn't confuse me 0:04:22.040 --> 0:04:26.760 like it used to. I understand it. But I I 0:04:26.880 --> 0:04:31.120 think it's normal to be quote unquote normal. What is normal? 0:04:31.240 --> 0:04:31.799 What is normal? 0:04:31.839 --> 0:04:32.719 I don't even know what normally. 0:04:32.720 --> 0:04:35.919 I have a really weird job that's really exciting and 0:04:35.960 --> 0:04:38.599 for me artistic and unusual, an unusual job. 0:04:38.640 --> 0:04:39.960 Okay, that's a better word. 0:04:40.080 --> 0:04:44.200 People look at it and can't like imagine themselves doing. 0:04:44.000 --> 0:04:47.160 That, right, And it's not something that I mean because 0:04:47.200 --> 0:04:51.159 you are putting your emotions and your vulnerability on the 0:04:51.240 --> 0:04:54.920 line as an actress, as an actor, and I think 0:04:55.440 --> 0:04:58.880 what happens is the better you become. 0:04:58.800 --> 0:05:01.799 At acting, it's because I think. 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:04.200 We're more willing to open ourselves up more and be 0:05:04.320 --> 0:05:06.320 vulnerable in front of the crew so that we can 0:05:06.640 --> 0:05:11.240 reach the character and give the best, most authentic performance. 0:05:11.720 --> 0:05:14.800 What about when you're doing something like Jure Verrymore show, 0:05:14.880 --> 0:05:17.120 when you're just yourself, or when you're doing your new 0:05:17.160 --> 0:05:18.400 show Valories place. 0:05:18.200 --> 0:05:21.280 Like Yeah, that is like sometimes it's so myself that 0:05:21.480 --> 0:05:23.200 I get a little nervous that I'm going to get 0:05:23.240 --> 0:05:26.760 a bunch of pushback because I can be a little rash. 0:05:27.080 --> 0:05:30.600 I think the things that make me strong are probably 0:05:30.720 --> 0:05:33.680 things that could make me come off abrasive. 0:05:33.279 --> 0:05:36.640 To some people. But I'm not going to change. 0:05:36.360 --> 0:05:42.839 That because I've spent my whole life sort of defending 0:05:42.839 --> 0:05:44.200 myself and now I don't feel like I have to 0:05:44.240 --> 0:05:45.360 defend myself anymore. 0:05:45.440 --> 0:05:47.240 And This is really kind of what you see is 0:05:47.240 --> 0:05:47.760 what you get. 0:05:48.080 --> 0:05:49.960 Yeah, and if you don't like it, I'm cool with that, right, 0:05:50.040 --> 0:05:52.840 Like I'm not for everybody, and I'm so cool with that. 0:05:53.040 --> 0:05:54.640 It took me a long time to get cool. 0:05:54.400 --> 0:05:55.039 With that, right. 0:05:55.560 --> 0:05:59.760 So being as much myself as I'm allowed to be 0:06:00.480 --> 0:06:04.320 on Drew is actually like for me, it's been a 0:06:04.320 --> 0:06:08.040 godsend because that job came along right when I really 0:06:08.080 --> 0:06:11.440 needed it, Like I was, I was drowning in twenty 0:06:11.480 --> 0:06:11.920 twenty four. 0:06:12.000 --> 0:06:14.320 I was so miserable I was last two years ago. 0:06:14.720 --> 0:06:17.080 Yeah, and I think you know why when you read 0:06:17.080 --> 0:06:19.800 the book, there was just a lot of shit going 0:06:19.839 --> 0:06:23.359 on and I just didn't feel like I catch my breath. 0:06:23.400 --> 0:06:25.880 Yeah, you had just left the Food Network. M hmmm 0:06:26.040 --> 0:06:28.200 that show ended, Yeah, and it made me sad, I 0:06:28.320 --> 0:06:30.960 expectedly for ye probably and because I wasn't. 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:33.320 Asking for a raise, the show was still doing really, 0:06:33.320 --> 0:06:36.680 really well. So I took it personally. And I know 0:06:36.760 --> 0:06:39.440 in business, as we know, you can't take it personally, 0:06:39.920 --> 0:06:41.440 but I was doing my best to not. 0:06:41.560 --> 0:06:42.960 But it's like, but wait a minute. 0:06:43.520 --> 0:06:45.920 All the signs are there of a successful show and 0:06:45.960 --> 0:06:49.039 I'm not asking for more money, Like why don't you 0:06:49.120 --> 0:06:49.479 want me? 0:06:49.680 --> 0:06:51.320 And then it's like, yeah, it is business. 0:06:51.520 --> 0:06:53.560 Then you just have to remember and it's not personal. 0:06:53.680 --> 0:06:56.400 No, yeah, no matter how much it does. And I 0:06:56.400 --> 0:06:58.920 think you can apply that to everything in life. You know, 0:06:59.120 --> 0:07:03.359 if someone's treating you badly, you can say, listen, this 0:07:03.440 --> 0:07:06.000 isn't personal. They may say it's about me, but it's not. 0:07:06.600 --> 0:07:11.320 And that's where it gets really like the work that 0:07:11.360 --> 0:07:13.200 I've been able to do in these last two years 0:07:13.240 --> 0:07:17.480 to come to a point where I really am so 0:07:17.720 --> 0:07:21.120 grounded in who I am and I know what I'm 0:07:21.120 --> 0:07:24.400 about that no matter how someone speaks to me now, 0:07:24.840 --> 0:07:27.200 Like I don't take it personally, I don't. 0:07:27.560 --> 0:07:28.400 It's not about me. 0:07:28.640 --> 0:07:30.160 Did you ever read the Four Agreements? 0:07:30.280 --> 0:07:30.559 Yes? 0:07:31.080 --> 0:07:31.840 I love that one. 0:07:32.040 --> 0:07:33.240 Yeah, it's really good. 0:07:33.280 --> 0:07:35.400 I had them taped to my mirror for a long term. 0:07:36.840 --> 0:07:38.120 It's hard to remember though. 0:07:38.200 --> 0:07:40.040 It's like every time they're like, what are the four 0:07:40.080 --> 0:07:41.760 and I can get three, but I can't remember that 0:07:41.800 --> 0:07:42.320 fourth one. 0:07:42.560 --> 0:07:44.720 Don't take it personally, don't take it personally. I think 0:07:44.760 --> 0:07:46.560 that is right. No, do the best you can, do the 0:07:46.520 --> 0:07:46.960 best you can. 0:07:47.000 --> 0:07:48.320 I think it's the last fourth one. 0:07:48.480 --> 0:07:52.200 Yeah, but and I would add that to do Yes, 0:07:52.760 --> 0:07:55.120 I would say I'm doing the best I can and 0:07:55.160 --> 0:07:58.760 I can always do better. That's how I like to 0:07:59.040 --> 0:08:02.200 take because I don't think we're ever done learning. No, 0:08:02.480 --> 0:08:04.000 not to me day we die, and any of the 0:08:04.240 --> 0:08:06.920 day day we die. I can see myself now going, God, 0:08:07.000 --> 0:08:07.720 dang it, I knew I. 0:08:07.720 --> 0:08:09.360 Could have done this better. Can I go back right 0:08:09.400 --> 0:08:11.400 now or let me send me back in a couple 0:08:11.440 --> 0:08:11.680 of years. 0:08:11.800 --> 0:08:13.640 I know I can do it better. You walk away 0:08:13.640 --> 0:08:14.760 from something and you just. 0:08:14.640 --> 0:08:16.600 Are like, oh, have done it better? Better? 0:08:16.720 --> 0:08:16.880 Yeah? 0:08:17.040 --> 0:08:19.520 Yeah, and then everybody says it was great, it was fine, 0:08:19.560 --> 0:08:21.320 don't worry about it, and then you worry about it 0:08:21.320 --> 0:08:22.200 for the next four hours. 0:08:22.280 --> 0:08:24.680 Yeah, all the mistakes I've made, all the regrets that 0:08:24.720 --> 0:08:26.920 I have, Like, I would like to change that, but 0:08:26.960 --> 0:08:29.040 then I remember I wouldn't be who I am today 0:08:29.080 --> 0:08:30.160 if I did change that. 0:08:30.400 --> 0:08:32.960 Yeah, it was painful as hell going through it. 0:08:33.160 --> 0:08:34.600 Yeah, don't want to do it again. 0:08:34.679 --> 0:08:35.240 Don't want to do it. 0:08:35.400 --> 0:08:37.600 Oh I got that lesson? Good, nice and clear loud 0:08:37.640 --> 0:08:39.120 neon sign not the lesson. 0:08:39.160 --> 0:08:40.720 I think you got it. I don't think you're going 0:08:40.800 --> 0:08:42.240 to go through a nay of that again. No, and 0:08:42.280 --> 0:08:44.480 I don't think I will you no, I hope not. 0:08:44.840 --> 0:08:46.600 Yeah, I think we're smart enough. 0:08:46.640 --> 0:08:49.480 Now we're smarter. Now we're wiser, right. 0:08:49.440 --> 0:08:53.040 Not that we weren't smart, but I think I feel 0:08:53.440 --> 0:08:57.440 more knowledgeable. I feel like I have more information to 0:08:57.520 --> 0:08:59.960 deal with now, so I could do it differently. 0:08:59.640 --> 0:09:02.720 Right, I think becoming famous young, as we both did, 0:09:03.400 --> 0:09:06.000 being in the industry that we're both in, I feel 0:09:06.000 --> 0:09:09.360 like who we are is sort of decided by someone else. 0:09:10.000 --> 0:09:12.200 So we spend a lot of time living up to 0:09:12.240 --> 0:09:16.440 other people's expectations of us, and that is just a 0:09:16.640 --> 0:09:19.000 loop of anxiety. 0:09:18.720 --> 0:09:20.360 Especially when you have those voices in your head as 0:09:20.360 --> 0:09:23.840 well already. Right, yeah, yeah, but I know that. I mean, 0:09:23.920 --> 0:09:25.240 I'm sure you got this too. 0:09:25.400 --> 0:09:27.520 Like I did a sitcom for nine years on Monday 0:09:27.520 --> 0:09:29.560 at time, and then I want to do TV movies. 0:09:29.559 --> 0:09:30.320 Well, we don't know if. 0:09:30.240 --> 0:09:34.240 She can beat do drama, but it's acting, right, And 0:09:34.320 --> 0:09:37.160 so then I did TV movies for ten years, and 0:09:37.200 --> 0:09:39.320 then I want to do a sitcom again, and can 0:09:39.360 --> 0:09:39.960 she be funny? 0:09:40.360 --> 0:09:40.839 Like I don't? 0:09:41.240 --> 0:09:43.800 Yeah, why don't I keep proving those they say you're 0:09:43.840 --> 0:09:46.200 only as good as your last project, which it really 0:09:46.200 --> 0:09:48.720 stinks for those of us that haven't had a project 0:09:48.760 --> 0:09:51.960 in a while. Then you're like, yeah, guys. 0:09:51.880 --> 0:09:54.720 I could do this. I promise I have enough life experience. 0:09:54.760 --> 0:09:55.880 I can give you what you need. 0:09:56.320 --> 0:10:01.160 Yeah. So you say that you're nine year little girl 0:10:01.800 --> 0:10:05.160 that you envision inside of yourself, sweet little girl with 0:10:05.240 --> 0:10:09.439 fear in her eyes. And I think when we do 0:10:09.520 --> 0:10:13.160 the work, that inner child work, so many of us 0:10:13.640 --> 0:10:16.240 recognize that fearful little girl. 0:10:16.400 --> 0:10:18.600 Yeah, or boy just wants to be taken care of, 0:10:19.160 --> 0:10:21.280 like protect me, just protect And I feel like I'm 0:10:21.320 --> 0:10:25.880 finally someone who could have protected her right, Like there. 0:10:25.800 --> 0:10:29.760 Was so many years when I didn't. I didn't even acknowledge. 0:10:29.160 --> 0:10:32.680 Her, No, and I just always put her aside just 0:10:32.720 --> 0:10:35.440 to make sure I was pleasing everybody else, I was 0:10:35.480 --> 0:10:38.080 behaving correctly, or I was doing what they wanted me 0:10:38.120 --> 0:10:40.679 to do, or I was making them happy. I just 0:10:40.920 --> 0:10:43.920 I still want to make people happy, just not at 0:10:44.679 --> 0:10:47.360 destruction of my soul, you know. 0:10:48.040 --> 0:10:48.960 Not selling your soul. 0:10:49.000 --> 0:10:51.840 No, No, I mean it makes me happy to make 0:10:51.880 --> 0:10:54.160 my son and his wife happy, my daughter in law, 0:10:54.360 --> 0:10:56.440 It makes me happy to make my animals happy. It 0:10:56.440 --> 0:10:59.000 makes me happy to make my friends happy because they 0:10:59.040 --> 0:11:01.600 make me happy. So it's a give and take there. 0:11:01.960 --> 0:11:04.320 But to just try to sell myself all the time, 0:11:04.400 --> 0:11:05.600 like I swear I'm a good person. 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:08.280 It's like, yeah, either think I am or I am not. 0:11:08.520 --> 0:11:10.319 And I'm okay with whatever said to you. 0:11:11.200 --> 0:11:13.960 How did you come to realize that you needed to 0:11:14.000 --> 0:11:19.240 comfort that little girl. 0:11:19.559 --> 0:11:22.320 I got to a point where I knew that I 0:11:22.520 --> 0:11:26.880 was pushing down trauma that I thought was fine. 0:11:27.280 --> 0:11:28.200 I've dealt with it. 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:31.760 It's been fifty six fifty years. I've almost I mean, 0:11:32.400 --> 0:11:34.480 I can deal with it. Like, look look what I've 0:11:34.480 --> 0:11:36.360 done in my life so far, it hasn't affected me. 0:11:38.559 --> 0:11:41.079 And speaking of you know, going to therapist when I 0:11:41.120 --> 0:11:46.240 started when I was twenty. But I finally realized that 0:11:46.440 --> 0:11:56.040 if if I take away the opportunity to give someone 0:11:56.600 --> 0:12:00.079 I had something happen where I was vulnerable and I 0:12:00.080 --> 0:12:03.600 shared my shame with someone and they were then able 0:12:03.640 --> 0:12:06.640 to turn it into a weapon and use it against 0:12:06.640 --> 0:12:07.240 me to hurt me. 0:12:08.360 --> 0:12:09.120 That is rude. 0:12:09.679 --> 0:12:15.319 It's difficult, and so I thought, I can't change them 0:12:15.400 --> 0:12:19.079 or ask them to behave better, but I can change 0:12:19.080 --> 0:12:22.559 my reaction anything that I'm feeling from it. It's not 0:12:23.800 --> 0:12:27.960 about that isn't about me. That's what they did. But 0:12:28.200 --> 0:12:30.080 what am I going to do about my shame and 0:12:30.120 --> 0:12:32.760 my vulnerability to make sure that nobody can use it 0:12:32.800 --> 0:12:35.560 as a weapon again. I have to dig down deep, 0:12:35.760 --> 0:12:36.960 and I have to take care of it, and I 0:12:36.960 --> 0:12:39.640 have to make friends with it. I was talking to 0:12:39.679 --> 0:12:42.600 a therapist friend of mine and she said, you're going 0:12:42.679 --> 0:12:46.240 to be in a relationship with your shame anyway, why 0:12:46.280 --> 0:12:50.439 not remove the toxicity of it. Become friends with it. 0:12:51.080 --> 0:12:53.520 She was like, that was a light bulb moment for 0:12:53.600 --> 0:12:56.480 me because I thought, right, I'm never ever going to 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:59.080 get rid of this shame. It happened when I was 0:12:59.200 --> 0:13:01.800 very very young, and it was given to me. It's 0:13:01.880 --> 0:13:05.200 not mine to carry. I have then layered on top 0:13:05.240 --> 0:13:07.160 of it, shame that things that I've done that I 0:13:07.200 --> 0:13:09.480 may be ashamed of, but they're just mistakes that you 0:13:09.520 --> 0:13:10.400 can get. 0:13:10.240 --> 0:13:12.559 By right, growing bumps, right, But. 0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:15.880 The original shame, Like, I need to dig into that 0:13:16.400 --> 0:13:18.280 and make friends with that so that nobody can ever 0:13:18.320 --> 0:13:18.960 shame me again. 0:13:19.040 --> 0:13:21.360 So that whenever somebody brings it up or tries to 0:13:21.720 --> 0:13:22.320 or it brings. 0:13:22.160 --> 0:13:24.720 Up anything about you know, making fun of my character 0:13:24.960 --> 0:13:29.360 or trying to disarm me with you know, whatever, I 0:13:29.400 --> 0:13:31.880 can say that's that's not about me. You know, you 0:13:31.920 --> 0:13:34.320 can lie about me and I'll be like, yeah, that's 0:13:34.400 --> 0:13:36.559 about you, and that doesn't change who I am. 0:13:36.640 --> 0:13:37.200 I'm still me. 0:13:37.800 --> 0:13:39.840 Do you think that the little girl inside you still 0:13:39.880 --> 0:13:40.880 has fear in her eyes? 0:13:43.040 --> 0:13:46.800 Not as much, not as much. When I really look 0:13:46.840 --> 0:13:48.960 in the mirror, not to see what I physically look like, 0:13:49.000 --> 0:13:51.920 but I really like look into my eyes, I see 0:13:51.920 --> 0:13:55.040 someone a lot calmer, who feels a lot safer. 0:13:56.080 --> 0:13:56.680 And it didn't. 0:13:56.840 --> 0:13:58.280 I mean, it took a long time to get here. 0:13:58.640 --> 0:14:01.040 I don't want to give people because I want people 0:14:01.040 --> 0:14:02.640 to learn from this and I want people to be 0:14:02.679 --> 0:14:07.000 able to do this for themselves. It doesn't take it. 0:14:07.120 --> 0:14:10.559 I thought, well, the first time I was sexually assaulted 0:14:10.600 --> 0:14:14.960 abused when I was eleven, and the very first time 0:14:15.000 --> 0:14:18.680 I really talked about it, really talked about it. My 0:14:18.720 --> 0:14:20.760 first husband knew it had happened, but we didn't talk 0:14:20.760 --> 0:14:24.160 about it much. My very first therapist and I thought, 0:14:24.240 --> 0:14:26.040 I finally said it out loud, and she had been 0:14:26.200 --> 0:14:29.280 slowly nudging me for months because she knew something was 0:14:29.320 --> 0:14:31.040 going on, and I finally said it. 0:14:31.080 --> 0:14:32.840 I thought, Okay, I'm going to be healed now I 0:14:32.840 --> 0:14:35.640 said it out loud. So it takes all the power away. 0:14:36.680 --> 0:14:40.120 No, it takes a lot longer because I thought I 0:14:40.120 --> 0:14:40.680 said it like. 0:14:40.640 --> 0:14:42.760 Okay, I'm good now, and we didn't talk about it 0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:43.280 for years. 0:14:43.360 --> 0:14:45.880 I actually stopped going to her so when it's not 0:14:45.960 --> 0:14:48.800 until I started going back and then really started dealing 0:14:48.800 --> 0:14:51.200 with the other dramas in my life that I thought, oh, 0:14:51.240 --> 0:14:52.880 I got to keep going back to the original one 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:55.200 until I really take care of it. 0:14:54.800 --> 0:14:57.440 It makes me sort of emotional when you said that 0:14:58.640 --> 0:15:01.440 you're a little girl, doesn't have as much fear and 0:15:01.480 --> 0:15:04.560 that you are less reactive. 0:15:05.920 --> 0:15:08.360 How do you feel that with your and your own life? 0:15:08.440 --> 0:15:08.840 Yeah? 0:15:09.800 --> 0:15:10.440 How do you think you. 0:15:10.400 --> 0:15:16.560 Came to that time? Love? Learning how to love myself? 0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:21.000 You know, just like it doesn't matter if anybody else 0:15:21.040 --> 0:15:25.080 loves me. And when someone says, well how do I 0:15:25.160 --> 0:15:27.400 do that? What do we say to them? 0:15:27.520 --> 0:15:29.920 Because I it took me so long to get care 0:15:30.000 --> 0:15:30.840 did it take you along? 0:15:30.840 --> 0:15:33.000 Were you ever annoyed by someone saying, well, you can't 0:15:33.040 --> 0:15:36.160 fully love someone else until you fully love yourself? I 0:15:36.200 --> 0:15:37.400 would do that exactly, be. 0:15:37.320 --> 0:15:40.520 Like, oh please, Yeah, I mean love is so complicated anyway, 0:15:41.040 --> 0:15:43.920 but we do have to start with ourselves to have 0:15:43.960 --> 0:15:47.880 any kind of Yeah, it's just life. But that doesn't 0:15:47.920 --> 0:15:49.600 mean I can't love someone else. It just means there 0:15:49.720 --> 0:15:52.200 might be some things that you know, don't get settled 0:15:52.320 --> 0:15:55.800 right or that go astray right right, But until we 0:15:55.920 --> 0:15:58.760 because I do believe that you can heal yourselves in 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:02.760 relationship as well. I think I've healed myself with relationships 0:16:02.760 --> 0:16:06.280 with my son. I've healed myself in relationships with my girlfriends. 0:16:06.880 --> 0:16:09.760 I think you can do that. I healed my relationship 0:16:10.120 --> 0:16:13.320 with my first husband. I don't think I've healed myself 0:16:13.320 --> 0:16:17.640 with relationships as a whole until I'm able to actually 0:16:17.640 --> 0:16:20.440 maybe put it to work what I've learned. I don't 0:16:20.480 --> 0:16:22.960 know how I'll be in an intimate relationship right now 0:16:23.400 --> 0:16:26.960 because I kind of have a big ol frickin' wall 0:16:27.040 --> 0:16:31.840 up and I'm really gun shy right now. So I 0:16:31.880 --> 0:16:34.320 don't know if I can actually put this into work 0:16:34.360 --> 0:16:37.680 and into play until you try it, until I try it, 0:16:37.720 --> 0:16:38.840 and I'm not ready to try it. 0:16:38.880 --> 0:16:41.160 Yeah, it's easier to not try it. Yeah. 0:16:41.360 --> 0:16:43.240 Yeah, I'm mean to have a big, full. 0:16:43.040 --> 0:16:47.200 Life and you love yourself like that comes across so clearly. Yeah, 0:16:47.320 --> 0:16:50.360 Whereas it's so weird because I had met you ten 0:16:50.640 --> 0:16:53.160 twenty years ago, I wouldn't have that feeling, you know. 0:16:53.240 --> 0:16:55.800 Yeah, yeah, no, and you wouldn't buddy that. 0:16:56.200 --> 0:16:56.760 When they have. 0:16:57.440 --> 0:17:00.880 Jack, you have a real calmness about it, You like 0:17:01.120 --> 0:17:05.040 an equanimity, and it's really lovely. Like don't you feel 0:17:05.080 --> 0:17:08.879 like when you're in the room, you just like there's 0:17:09.000 --> 0:17:14.280 nothing like seeping off of you that feels like anxious, 0:17:14.600 --> 0:17:17.520 Like you just have a serenity about you, and I 0:17:17.560 --> 0:17:20.560 always strive for that. It's just I mean, I still 0:17:20.560 --> 0:17:23.360 like getting excited and feeling joy, but it's just it's 0:17:23.359 --> 0:17:26.840 so nice to have these moments like this still in 0:17:26.920 --> 0:17:27.560 the centered. 0:17:27.760 --> 0:17:30.359 You know, my dad was a really quiet man. He 0:17:30.400 --> 0:17:33.280 didn't need a lot of words really, and we would 0:17:33.320 --> 0:17:35.520 just often sit in silence together. 0:17:36.560 --> 0:17:38.960 So that feels normal and comfortable for you. 0:17:39.320 --> 0:17:41.760 Oh wow. Yeah, that's why when I was married to 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:46.600 an Italian, my emotions okay, you know. 0:17:46.600 --> 0:17:48.320 What I'm talking about. 0:17:47.400 --> 0:17:51.440 No, it was like, you know, am I am my home. 0:17:51.480 --> 0:17:54.679 I was allowed to express my feelings and have my emotions, 0:17:54.720 --> 0:17:57.119 And as an adult, I still believe that and I 0:17:57.200 --> 0:18:00.760 teach that to my girls. It's important. But when there's 0:18:00.800 --> 0:18:02.840 a lot of other energy going around, you get really 0:18:02.880 --> 0:18:06.399 confused about what's really yours and what's theirs. Oh yeah, 0:18:06.880 --> 0:18:08.639 especially in a loud household like that. 0:18:08.960 --> 0:18:12.560 Yeah, yeah, Italian we can be allowed. I don't know. 0:18:12.560 --> 0:18:13.840 I think I got a little bit of my mother 0:18:13.880 --> 0:18:16.159 in there, because I don't feel as loud as the 0:18:16.200 --> 0:18:18.399 Italians that I grew up with. I'm kind of like 0:18:18.440 --> 0:18:21.320 more like my mom. She was quiet and reserved, and 0:18:21.320 --> 0:18:23.760 she would watch things, and she had a great sense 0:18:23.760 --> 0:18:25.560 of humor. I would love to have her a sense 0:18:25.560 --> 0:18:29.080 of humor, but she's just she was God rest her soul. 0:18:29.200 --> 0:18:31.600 She was good. 0:18:31.119 --> 0:18:33.359 She had a lot of I mean, I was angry 0:18:33.359 --> 0:18:35.679 at her too, just like I adore and love my 0:18:35.680 --> 0:18:37.840 father and I'm still angry at him for cheating on 0:18:37.920 --> 0:18:39.840 my mom, you know. And I'm angry at my mom 0:18:39.880 --> 0:18:43.040 for not pushing back and believing in herself more. But 0:18:43.080 --> 0:18:45.359 she had a really shitty childhood, right, so she didn't 0:18:45.400 --> 0:18:45.959 know how to do that. 0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:47.960 It's weird when you are able to look at your 0:18:47.960 --> 0:18:52.359 parents from this piss human beings, right, and after you've 0:18:52.400 --> 0:18:55.840 lived the life, you know, a comparable life to theirs 0:18:55.960 --> 0:18:58.880 to a certain age, then you look at them and think, wow, 0:18:59.040 --> 0:19:01.200 you lived through a lot too. 0:19:02.480 --> 0:19:05.880 Yeah, like what, And I know they did the best 0:19:05.920 --> 0:19:09.520 they could, right, because yeah I can. Yeah, so I 0:19:09.600 --> 0:19:13.960 can't be angry angry at them anymore. And I forgive 0:19:14.000 --> 0:19:16.600 them as I'm sure they forgave me for the mistakes 0:19:16.600 --> 0:19:17.160 that I made. 0:19:18.240 --> 0:19:19.320 But I sure do love them. 0:19:19.440 --> 0:19:23.959 No, that's that bond. Yeah, familial. Yeah, there's nothing like 0:19:24.240 --> 0:19:24.840 the family. 0:19:25.240 --> 0:19:30.359 No, Like I never knew unconditional love. I came close 0:19:30.400 --> 0:19:32.679 with Ed when we were young because I thought he 0:19:32.800 --> 0:19:38.560 was my whole world. But with Wolfie, my son, he 0:19:38.600 --> 0:19:39.359 can do no wrong. 0:19:39.440 --> 0:19:41.480 No, he can piss me off once in a while, 0:19:41.640 --> 0:19:43.640 but I adore him. I love him. 0:19:43.880 --> 0:19:46.240 I'm so flipp and happy for him. I'm so happy 0:19:46.560 --> 0:19:49.320 for the life he's building. You know, He's got such 0:19:49.359 --> 0:19:53.360 a beautiful woman by his side. I'm just like, oh, yeah, 0:19:53.400 --> 0:19:55.320 that's all you want is your children to like get 0:19:55.359 --> 0:19:57.760 to find their person and be happy right and find 0:19:57.800 --> 0:19:59.800 their life thing in life and live their life. 0:20:00.040 --> 0:20:01.920 I'm just oh, I just love them. 0:20:02.200 --> 0:20:05.600 Yeah, dittoh, yeah, you say you spent years ignoring your 0:20:05.600 --> 0:20:08.720 own instincts. Do you trust yourself? Now? 0:20:10.240 --> 0:20:12.639 We'll see if I can put them into play again. 0:20:13.200 --> 0:20:15.480 I do trust myself a hell of a lot more 0:20:15.560 --> 0:20:20.080 I know that I will trust my instincts more. If 0:20:20.119 --> 0:20:23.000 something feels off, it means it's off. And I'm not 0:20:23.040 --> 0:20:26.920 going to talk my gut into thinking no, no, they're 0:20:26.920 --> 0:20:29.399 really a good person, just give them a chance. Because 0:20:29.440 --> 0:20:31.320 I'm one of those people that I will give you 0:20:31.359 --> 0:20:33.679 a million chances to prove me wrong, because I think 0:20:33.880 --> 0:20:37.400 that everybody is a good person and you just need 0:20:37.440 --> 0:20:42.760 a little love if something's going off. But sometimes I'm 0:20:42.800 --> 0:20:46.359 just proven wrong that not everybody's a good person fully 0:20:46.600 --> 0:20:49.359 or they don't know how to behave as such. But 0:20:49.440 --> 0:20:51.359 I'll give you a million chances. But I don't think 0:20:51.400 --> 0:20:52.359 i'll do that any longer. 0:20:52.480 --> 0:20:54.560 No, maybe like five hundred thousands. 0:20:56.400 --> 0:20:59.199 Maybe for thirty six, I don't know. 0:20:59.440 --> 0:21:02.359 Yeah, it's less, but because I'm still I want to 0:21:02.400 --> 0:21:06.320 so believe that you're good, and you've got to really 0:21:06.359 --> 0:21:09.480 prove me wrong. But I'm I I have to trust 0:21:09.480 --> 0:21:12.000 my instincts more and my intuition and my gut. 0:21:12.840 --> 0:21:13.840 Yeah, because it's. 0:21:13.680 --> 0:21:16.280 Proved to be right every single time. Yeah, when you 0:21:16.320 --> 0:21:19.400 look back, oh my god, I was so right. God, 0:21:19.600 --> 0:21:20.960 why didn't I listen to my right? 0:21:21.680 --> 0:21:21.920 Right? 0:21:22.400 --> 0:21:24.280 I was so busy trying to convince everybody's No, they're 0:21:24.280 --> 0:21:26.679 a good person. Watch, watch they're a good They're not? 0:21:27.680 --> 0:21:31.120 Oh god, yeah, do you have any tips for somebody 0:21:31.119 --> 0:21:33.680 that's you know, we talked about a little bit about 0:21:33.720 --> 0:21:37.680 those voices and that are you know, not helping us, yes, 0:21:38.160 --> 0:21:41.080 and not encouraging us to choose ourselves? Yes, Like when 0:21:41.119 --> 0:21:43.840 you say you're trying to convince everybody that this person 0:21:43.880 --> 0:21:44.600 is a good person. 0:21:44.560 --> 0:21:47.680 Right, trying to convince myself that I'm a good person too. Yeah. 0:21:48.160 --> 0:21:50.760 Right, Do you have any tips for people that might 0:21:50.880 --> 0:21:55.920 be listening on how they can shut those voices out 0:21:55.960 --> 0:21:57.600 and tune into their gut? 0:21:58.000 --> 0:22:01.160 Oh? 0:22:01.200 --> 0:22:05.879 Where's it coming from? Like what happened? I actually was 0:22:05.920 --> 0:22:08.119 able to put this into. 0:22:09.040 --> 0:22:09.320 Work. 0:22:09.560 --> 0:22:12.479 At one point, I was talking with someone and they 0:22:12.480 --> 0:22:16.199 had said something a week previously, and then I was 0:22:16.200 --> 0:22:20.280 talking to them again, just recently, and it was a 0:22:20.320 --> 0:22:23.320 different story, completely different, Like they had said something that 0:22:24.000 --> 0:22:25.600 and then they said something different to someone else. 0:22:25.640 --> 0:22:28.480 I went, oh, that's a red flag. I can't believe 0:22:28.520 --> 0:22:29.760 I said it a loud first of all. 0:22:30.359 --> 0:22:33.239 And they said, I said, because you told me this, 0:22:33.359 --> 0:22:35.680 He goes yeah, Because I was embarrassed. 0:22:35.680 --> 0:22:39.879 I didn't want to admit that. I'm like, Okay, Okay, 0:22:40.119 --> 0:22:40.520 I get it. 0:22:40.560 --> 0:22:43.199 Then I can understand being embarrassed and not wanting to 0:22:43.200 --> 0:22:45.800 admit something, you know, but okay. 0:22:45.600 --> 0:22:46.920 At least a cop to it right away. 0:22:47.920 --> 0:22:50.520 So look at where it's coming from. 0:22:50.920 --> 0:22:53.040 Look at where it's coming from. Where do you feel it, 0:22:53.880 --> 0:22:56.159 And if you need to speak on it, speak on 0:22:56.200 --> 0:22:58.000 it kindly. 0:23:00.080 --> 0:23:01.080 To yourself and others. 0:23:01.160 --> 0:23:06.440 Yes, always, always, But I think it trust your gut 0:23:06.640 --> 0:23:09.080 to begin with, and if it you know, you could 0:23:09.080 --> 0:23:12.280 be wrong, like I was wrong about this person, you know, 0:23:12.400 --> 0:23:14.800 they they were, And I've been embarrassed where I've kind 0:23:14.840 --> 0:23:18.920 of like whitewashed something before and then just like said 0:23:18.920 --> 0:23:20.400 the truth, you know totally. 0:23:20.440 --> 0:23:23.840 So I get that, but I love that they copped 0:23:23.880 --> 0:23:24.120 to it. 0:23:24.080 --> 0:23:27.199 Immediately and said yeah, I was embarrassed to tell you so, 0:23:27.520 --> 0:23:29.840 and then they weren't anymore, Like, yeah, you could have 0:23:29.840 --> 0:23:30.520 told me the first time. 0:23:30.640 --> 0:23:32.199 So much easier to do, so much easier. 0:23:32.320 --> 0:23:35.760 Yeah, just be Yeah, it's hard to do, though. 0:23:35.960 --> 0:23:38.160 But if you do have doubts about someone, just trust 0:23:38.200 --> 0:23:39.560 your gut and see where it's coming from. Like, if 0:23:39.560 --> 0:23:42.800 it's coming from here, it means something feels anxious. If 0:23:42.800 --> 0:23:44.520 it's coming from here, it means you feel like you 0:23:44.560 --> 0:23:46.760 can't say something. Why do you feel like you can't 0:23:46.800 --> 0:23:47.359 say something? 0:23:47.560 --> 0:23:47.720 Yeah? 0:23:48.840 --> 0:23:51.480 Yeah, and your your body will actually tell you where 0:23:51.520 --> 0:23:53.760 it's coming from, if it's from your heart. Like most 0:23:53.800 --> 0:23:55.720 of the stuff that comes from my heart is because 0:23:55.760 --> 0:23:58.479 it makes me sad. Like something's making me sad. I'm 0:23:58.520 --> 0:24:01.760 watching something that's just me, me sad a behavior about someone, 0:24:02.200 --> 0:24:03.840 and I know I won't be able to fix it. 0:24:03.880 --> 0:24:05.480 So just like, trust your gut. 0:24:06.160 --> 0:24:08.000 Listen to your body telling you things. 0:24:08.040 --> 0:24:09.880 I think your body's pretty powerful. 0:24:10.040 --> 0:24:11.760 It really is, but we don't hear it. 0:24:12.160 --> 0:24:15.159 No, I've been so busy ignoring my body for sixty 0:24:15.240 --> 0:24:17.760 years that, yeah, I had to tune into it. 0:24:17.760 --> 0:24:18.960 It's kind of a miracle. 0:24:19.440 --> 0:24:21.879 Yeah. And once you tuned into it, weren't you like, 0:24:22.680 --> 0:24:25.160 damn girl, I am proud of you. 0:24:25.400 --> 0:24:28.480 Yes and yes, And by the way, I thank it 0:24:28.560 --> 0:24:31.679 a lot too. Yeah, thanks for telling me. And this morning, 0:24:31.720 --> 0:24:34.320 I woke up really anxious. I had a couple of 0:24:34.359 --> 0:24:37.360 things that had happened, and my heart was pounding. 0:24:37.359 --> 0:24:38.760 I went, Okay, what's this about. 0:24:38.800 --> 0:24:40.520 So I put my hand on my heart and I 0:24:40.560 --> 0:24:42.400 put my other hand on my belly, and I went, 0:24:42.760 --> 0:24:45.120 we're just gonna We're gonna ride this through. Just tell 0:24:45.119 --> 0:24:47.480 me what's going on, tell me why you're scared, tell 0:24:47.520 --> 0:24:50.119 me why it hurts so much. And I just like 0:24:50.280 --> 0:24:54.679 calmed down within three minutes, and then I forgot what 0:24:54.720 --> 0:24:57.399 I was worried about. It's like, oh, yeah, I guess 0:24:58.119 --> 0:25:00.320 it's not that big a deal, right, It's going to 0:25:00.359 --> 0:25:00.880 be okay. 0:25:01.040 --> 0:25:01.879 You can get past it. 0:25:02.040 --> 0:25:03.000 Yeah, and we all. 0:25:02.880 --> 0:25:04.439 Get past one hundred percent of the stuff we never 0:25:04.440 --> 0:25:04.800 thought we can. 0:25:04.960 --> 0:25:06.959 I mean, it's so true. When you're in like the 0:25:07.040 --> 0:25:10.800 grip of the trauma or the drama or the anxiety, 0:25:11.480 --> 0:25:14.160 it feels like it's forever. Oh yeah, but it's really 0:25:14.240 --> 0:25:15.800 it passes in three minutes. 0:25:15.600 --> 0:25:18.040 Like if you really sometimes it'll take five, sometimes it'll 0:25:18.080 --> 0:25:19.960 take thirty, but and sometimes it'll take a minute. 0:25:20.080 --> 0:25:23.240 Right, but your heart, you can talk to your body 0:25:23.720 --> 0:25:26.840 and slow yourself down because it's just a feeling, yeah, 0:25:26.920 --> 0:25:29.960 and feelings are information. So I started getting curious. Always 0:25:30.000 --> 0:25:32.800 get curious with your feelings, like what why am I anxious? 0:25:32.800 --> 0:25:34.879 What's going on? Okay, well you heard that and you 0:25:34.880 --> 0:25:40.280 did read that, So what if you just calm down? 0:25:41.800 --> 0:25:43.920 And it's okay to calm down if you don't have 0:25:43.960 --> 0:25:45.520 to calm down right now, you want to really get 0:25:45.520 --> 0:25:47.680 like pissy, you can do that too, Like, don't tell 0:25:47.720 --> 0:25:50.240 your feelings to stop, just go What do you want 0:25:50.320 --> 0:25:50.760 to tell me? 0:25:51.080 --> 0:25:51.720 What do you need? 0:25:51.880 --> 0:25:52.840 What do you need from me? 0:25:53.240 --> 0:25:56.800 Yeah, and sometimes it's that little girl going just protect me, 0:25:57.080 --> 0:25:59.080 just hold you know, just hold me for right second? 0:25:59.160 --> 0:26:02.159 Yeah, for right now, for sure, for sure speaking of 0:26:02.160 --> 0:26:03.000 get this all. 0:26:02.960 --> 0:26:06.240 Sounds so woo wooo listen, but I'm telling you in 0:26:06.400 --> 0:26:09.600 La having this conversation, people are listening. 0:26:09.720 --> 0:26:12.320 Oh, and I get it. I just sound like a 0:26:12.440 --> 0:26:13.840 fucking freak sometimes, But. 0:26:13.960 --> 0:26:16.960 I think talk to your little girl like inside, I 0:26:17.119 --> 0:26:19.359 mean it you guys, like I'm not blowing smoke? 0:26:20.160 --> 0:26:20.280 Is it? 0:26:20.400 --> 0:26:22.080 W This is about to survive. 0:26:22.280 --> 0:26:24.760 I actually told somebody once I said, well, what's your 0:26:24.800 --> 0:26:28.720 little child inside? You say? And they went, oh, shut up, Okay. 0:26:28.480 --> 0:26:32.360 They're not there already. Okay, you'll get there, you'll get there. 0:26:32.400 --> 0:26:41.040 Hopefully we all get there. Yeah, you were talking about 0:26:41.080 --> 0:26:42.959 getting in touch with your body and except you know, 0:26:43.480 --> 0:26:46.040 listening to your body. I recently saw a TikTok of 0:26:46.080 --> 0:26:49.240 a woman who was just in her forties, and she 0:26:49.760 --> 0:26:54.040 talked about how she started feeling ugly, how beauty that 0:26:54.119 --> 0:26:57.240 she had had and been rewarded for all her life 0:26:57.400 --> 0:27:00.879 was starting to fade, and she know she was really 0:27:01.240 --> 0:27:06.480 at forty. I'm thinking, okay, okay, years, thirty more years. 0:27:07.080 --> 0:27:09.960 But I sometimes feel that way too, you know, And. 0:27:10.160 --> 0:27:10.840 Are you kidding me? 0:27:11.119 --> 0:27:11.439 Yeah? 0:27:11.680 --> 0:27:13.200 I think, why did I say? Are you kidding? 0:27:13.240 --> 0:27:15.560 Nocre's their feelings and you're allowed to have them all. 0:27:15.600 --> 0:27:18.120 But I'm looking at you, going, she's so beautiful. 0:27:18.119 --> 0:27:20.520 Oh my god, I'm looking at you think the same thing. 0:27:21.480 --> 0:27:22.439 I mean, isn't it? 0:27:22.560 --> 0:27:25.160 If we could just That's why I have a chapter 0:27:25.160 --> 0:27:27.359 in the book, like if we could like hear ourselves 0:27:27.400 --> 0:27:29.080 from our animals, if our animals can talk to us, 0:27:29.240 --> 0:27:30.840 Like if we could hear the way our friends talk 0:27:30.920 --> 0:27:33.560 about us, if we could hear the way our children 0:27:33.600 --> 0:27:36.040 talk about us, because our children, no, no, no, no, 0:27:37.600 --> 0:27:40.040 but I mean when they're unguarded. I mean, I know 0:27:40.160 --> 0:27:42.679 my son says really lovely things about me, but not 0:27:42.720 --> 0:27:43.280 to my face. 0:27:44.640 --> 0:27:46.080 Sometimes to my face, but rarely. 0:27:46.200 --> 0:27:47.080 You talk to a dog. 0:27:47.440 --> 0:27:50.120 Yeah, yourself, the way you talk to a dog. 0:27:50.280 --> 0:27:51.800 Oh my god, it's the secret. 0:27:51.880 --> 0:27:55.080 Look at you? Do you look cute? You just make 0:27:55.119 --> 0:27:57.000 you smile? Look at you? 0:27:57.000 --> 0:28:01.160 You look god, oh god, oh my right, did whant 0:28:01.160 --> 0:28:01.959 to you talk to you like that? 0:28:02.880 --> 0:28:05.560 Because think we'd all be crazy? But it's a good crazy. 0:28:06.720 --> 0:28:08.920 I agree with you one hundred percent. And so anybody 0:28:08.960 --> 0:28:11.440 that's listening that thinks this is just too ulu out 0:28:11.440 --> 0:28:12.280 of touch or that. 0:28:13.720 --> 0:28:16.320 That's okay, you're allowed you do you Yep, you're allowed 0:28:16.320 --> 0:28:17.480 to think whatever you want. 0:28:18.960 --> 0:28:20.880 What do you you talk about mirrors though in your 0:28:20.880 --> 0:28:26.399 book and the danger of mirrors? What what do you 0:28:26.440 --> 0:28:27.359 see as the danger of. 0:28:27.359 --> 0:28:31.640 The mirror, Because it's not showing our heart and our 0:28:31.680 --> 0:28:36.320 mind and our soul. It's showing our physical creation on earth. 0:28:36.440 --> 0:28:38.680 It's showing our human body. And we're here to have 0:28:38.720 --> 0:28:41.680 a human experience. So this body gets us, gets our 0:28:41.720 --> 0:28:43.880 soul around or I don't know how the souls work, 0:28:43.920 --> 0:28:50.880 but it's energy. And we have been trained to find 0:28:50.960 --> 0:28:54.200 shame in the way we look. And that's a weird 0:28:54.320 --> 0:28:57.400 thing to train us to do. So who came up 0:28:57.400 --> 0:29:00.800 with I don't know, but it's been going on for centuries. Yeah, 0:29:00.920 --> 0:29:04.200 because that changes the look, changes of what's beautiful and 0:29:04.240 --> 0:29:08.280 what's not. I think you know, when you look back 0:29:08.280 --> 0:29:10.160 at some of the most beautiful paintings in the world. 0:29:10.560 --> 0:29:11.520 These women were. 0:29:11.800 --> 0:29:15.760 Beautiful and bodacious, you know, and now you then you 0:29:15.800 --> 0:29:18.440 look at the sixties in America and it's like the 0:29:18.520 --> 0:29:20.920 thinner you are the better And maybe that's still going on. 0:29:21.000 --> 0:29:23.320 But I don't know what. I don't know what phase. 0:29:23.600 --> 0:29:25.280 I don't know where we are is either in the 0:29:25.760 --> 0:29:27.479 public eye at this point. Yeah. 0:29:27.520 --> 0:29:29.360 So that means we just have to accept ourselves. 0:29:29.480 --> 0:29:31.120 And it just means you stop caring. Yeah. 0:29:31.400 --> 0:29:34.680 Yeah, And I want this woman, this four year old, 0:29:35.320 --> 0:29:37.840 to stop caring about what other people think of her. 0:29:37.840 --> 0:29:41.280 Why Why does she not find herself beautiful anymore? What 0:29:41.400 --> 0:29:45.360 is it about herself that she doesn't find beautiful? She's beautiful? 0:29:45.480 --> 0:29:50.280 You know that moment today you look at yeah, like, ooh, 0:29:50.360 --> 0:29:51.600 that's really getting a little sight. 0:29:51.800 --> 0:29:53.440 What am I going to take care of that? You know? 0:29:53.920 --> 0:29:56.280 It's like, I'm not it is what it is. I'll 0:29:56.280 --> 0:29:58.320 put more cream on. I just need to be moisturized, 0:29:58.880 --> 0:30:02.360 need moisture, please. But I want her to like. 0:30:04.160 --> 0:30:06.680 Look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman, because 0:30:07.520 --> 0:30:10.320 mirrors are meant to just reflect what we physically look 0:30:10.440 --> 0:30:13.680 like now, not who we are and what we mean 0:30:13.760 --> 0:30:18.960 to people. I think when we start seeing ourselves instead 0:30:18.960 --> 0:30:21.640 of in mirrors, but through other people's eyes that love us. 0:30:22.440 --> 0:30:23.640 We're gorgeous. 0:30:24.360 --> 0:30:28.560 Yeah, it's so weird. Like sometimes with my husband, I 0:30:28.640 --> 0:30:31.600 will feel unattractive for some reason or another or be 0:30:31.640 --> 0:30:34.800 selfish having one of those days, and he will be like, 0:30:34.840 --> 0:30:37.120 what are you talking about? I don't see that at all, 0:30:38.720 --> 0:30:41.920 And I think, huh, really are you? That's a lie? 0:30:42.200 --> 0:30:47.680 Because he loves you, You're You're loved for you in 0:30:47.720 --> 0:30:51.480 that moment, he sees how beautiful you are because he 0:30:51.560 --> 0:30:54.760 sees you for you, and your skin glows and your 0:30:54.800 --> 0:30:56.040 eyes sparkle. 0:30:55.880 --> 0:30:59.720 Because you're beautiful. Yeah, And beauty is in the. 0:30:59.680 --> 0:31:02.200 Eye of the beholder, but it's also in the person 0:31:02.640 --> 0:31:03.520 exuding the beauty. 0:31:03.560 --> 0:31:07.280 Beauty is your aura. Beauty is I really sound woo woo. 0:31:07.360 --> 0:31:10.040 I swear I'm not that woo woo. I'm really grounded. 0:31:11.280 --> 0:31:15.880 But beauty is in Like when I'm full of joy 0:31:15.960 --> 0:31:18.880 and happy, I feel more beautiful because I think. 0:31:18.760 --> 0:31:19.760 I look more beautiful. 0:31:19.760 --> 0:31:20.440 Absolutely. 0:31:20.800 --> 0:31:24.160 And I like when I see pictures of myself where 0:31:24.200 --> 0:31:26.160 I know that I'm uncomfortable and i know that I'm 0:31:26.160 --> 0:31:29.320 having a odd day as opposed to where I'm see 0:31:29.480 --> 0:31:31.920 like pictures that they take when you know, in the 0:31:32.000 --> 0:31:35.040 kitchen of me cooking, it's like, I look like I'm 0:31:35.080 --> 0:31:36.280 having so much freaking fun. 0:31:36.520 --> 0:31:37.600 To me, I look beautiful. 0:31:37.800 --> 0:31:40.920 I'm still the same weight, I'm still wearing big, baggy jeans, but. 0:31:40.880 --> 0:31:42.960 I look beautiful because I'm exuding joy. 0:31:44.200 --> 0:31:45.040 It's a big difference. 0:31:45.120 --> 0:31:45.400 Yeah. 0:31:45.480 --> 0:31:48.480 It actually manifests physically on your outward body. 0:31:48.720 --> 0:31:50.800 Yes, And it's good to remember that if we're going 0:31:50.840 --> 0:31:53.480 to be down in the dumps, like you can, you 0:31:53.520 --> 0:31:56.240 can easily walk around miserable. In this day and age, 0:31:56.280 --> 0:31:59.440 there's a lot of asinine shit going on in the world. 0:31:59.800 --> 0:32:01.960 It's so easy to get upset, and it's so easy 0:32:01.960 --> 0:32:05.360 to be just angry all the time. But that's not 0:32:05.440 --> 0:32:06.400 a fun way to live. 0:32:06.600 --> 0:32:08.880 Who wants to live? And that's what I thought after 0:32:09.840 --> 0:32:12.200 one of my divorces, I think the second one. 0:32:13.000 --> 0:32:15.280 I've been through a couple twos, so there. 0:32:15.320 --> 0:32:17.080 I thought, you know what, I don't want to walk 0:32:17.080 --> 0:32:19.440 around with this anymore. I'm not having fun. 0:32:20.920 --> 0:32:23.920 And it's interesting when you finally do. I was able to. 0:32:26.440 --> 0:32:28.080 My first marriage, Ed and I were able to come 0:32:28.120 --> 0:32:32.800 back together and be like, really develop a nice friendship. 0:32:32.840 --> 0:32:35.080 I wish he could have lived longer. But that sucks 0:32:35.280 --> 0:32:38.120 and it didn't work out that way. Not that we 0:32:38.160 --> 0:32:40.000 ever would have been intimate or a couple again, I 0:32:40.000 --> 0:32:40.920 don't think we would have. 0:32:41.320 --> 0:32:44.480 But I loved him. He was a really great guy. Yeah, 0:32:44.560 --> 0:32:45.360 he was the best guy. 0:32:45.360 --> 0:32:48.840 I knew your love story when I was you know, 0:32:48.920 --> 0:32:51.800 my sister was more in the same age bracket as you, 0:32:52.000 --> 0:32:54.840 so I kind of saw her through your love story 0:32:54.840 --> 0:32:56.240 with Ed because she had a boyfriend that was a 0:32:56.280 --> 0:32:59.080 little bit like rough around the age you have tattoos 0:32:59.120 --> 0:33:02.040 and stuff. I was like, oh, man, that's the kind 0:33:02.040 --> 0:33:06.640 of love I want that like and just abandon yeah, 0:33:06.800 --> 0:33:08.320 just like free to just I. 0:33:08.320 --> 0:33:09.840 Think I had to do with our age, right. 0:33:09.960 --> 0:33:13.320 We grew it, definitely got you know, but I'm glad 0:33:13.360 --> 0:33:15.560 we came back to where we were and we had 0:33:15.640 --> 0:33:16.920 we had a beautiful son through it. 0:33:16.960 --> 0:33:19.720 So that's the work though, I mean, yeah, yeah. 0:33:19.840 --> 0:33:23.560 And my second marriage, it's been over for I don't know, 0:33:24.000 --> 0:33:25.720 four or five six years, I don't know, it feels 0:33:25.720 --> 0:33:28.200 like a long time. I used to be so angry. 0:33:28.800 --> 0:33:32.200 I'm just not anymore because I realized, oh, I loved him, 0:33:32.520 --> 0:33:33.880 I actually did love for him. 0:33:34.200 --> 0:33:36.160 Because someone just asked me this yesterday, like, how do 0:33:36.200 --> 0:33:37.920 you how did you just let go of that anger 0:33:39.280 --> 0:33:41.040 or you know or you know it kind of just 0:33:41.200 --> 0:33:44.360 happens and that you know, that fear and that anger, 0:33:44.480 --> 0:33:47.000 like it just and I said to her, it's weird. 0:33:47.040 --> 0:33:49.840 It's like a switch. Yeah, like you don't think you 0:33:49.880 --> 0:33:50.360 can do it? 0:33:50.560 --> 0:33:50.840 Yeah. 0:33:51.480 --> 0:33:54.400 I thought I'd be angry at him forever. I'm so angry, 0:33:54.800 --> 0:33:57.400 and now I'm like, he's just a human being trying 0:33:57.400 --> 0:33:59.280 to do the best you can too. Yeah, you know, 0:33:59.400 --> 0:34:02.960 he made mistake. I made mistakes. I'm just like, but 0:34:03.480 --> 0:34:07.200 at some point we both loved each other. So I'm 0:34:07.240 --> 0:34:09.120 just gonna hold onto that because that was nice and 0:34:09.160 --> 0:34:10.480 I think it was important for me to let it 0:34:10.520 --> 0:34:13.319 go for like I was angry at ed for a 0:34:13.400 --> 0:34:16.479 year or two because I wanted him to choose us 0:34:16.760 --> 0:34:17.080 and not. 0:34:17.080 --> 0:34:18.040 The drugs and the alcohol. 0:34:18.520 --> 0:34:20.680 I know so much better now, I know so much 0:34:20.760 --> 0:34:24.600 more about addiction. That was an awful thing to ask 0:34:24.680 --> 0:34:26.239 him to do, to give up something I mean, he 0:34:27.040 --> 0:34:29.520 was that was a really important tool for his trauma 0:34:29.560 --> 0:34:32.919 that he couldn't process. I would be much more compassionate now, 0:34:34.080 --> 0:34:37.080 but I took it personally and I wanted him to 0:34:37.120 --> 0:34:40.040 want his family more. He had all the love in 0:34:40.080 --> 0:34:43.760 the world for both of us, but he was trapped 0:34:44.040 --> 0:34:47.920 in trauma and I so I was angry for a 0:34:47.960 --> 0:34:49.840 little while, and then we came to a place where 0:34:49.880 --> 0:34:55.200 I just love him a lot. He was a good soul, 0:34:55.400 --> 0:34:58.240 a good human being. He really wanted the best for people. 0:34:58.840 --> 0:35:00.279 He just didn't know how to do it for him. 0:35:00.280 --> 0:35:01.160 So how does that happen? 0:35:01.239 --> 0:35:04.359 Like, how did that become that relationship that coming back 0:35:04.400 --> 0:35:06.759 to that relationship in a different way, more mature way, 0:35:06.800 --> 0:35:08.720 a different perspective. How did that happen? 0:35:10.080 --> 0:35:12.120 It happened around the same time that Wolfe started working 0:35:12.120 --> 0:35:14.319 with his dad, because I had to spend more time 0:35:14.360 --> 0:35:18.920 with Ed, and I was adamant because Wolfe was only sixteen. 0:35:19.320 --> 0:35:21.440 I was adamant about there being a tutor. I was 0:35:21.480 --> 0:35:22.960 going to be out every couple of weeks. I'm going 0:35:23.000 --> 0:35:24.560 to be out on the road. And he's like, yeah, 0:35:24.600 --> 0:35:26.880 that's fine. So we got to talk more and we 0:35:26.960 --> 0:35:30.080 got to know know each other more in this new 0:35:30.160 --> 0:35:33.640 relationship that we have, and it was great, and he 0:35:33.719 --> 0:35:34.680 was sober for a lot of it. 0:35:34.719 --> 0:35:36.160 When he wasn't, it was difficult. 0:35:36.920 --> 0:35:39.360 Do you think that that had a big impact on 0:35:39.400 --> 0:35:45.640 Wolfe like seeing his parents Oh yeah together, Oh yeah, functioning. 0:35:45.200 --> 0:35:47.759 Would I mean, that's a question for wolf But I 0:35:47.760 --> 0:35:51.640 think Wolfe appreciated that his parents got along for sure, 0:35:51.800 --> 0:35:54.680 because I've seen the I've seen kids where their parents 0:35:54.680 --> 0:35:56.520 don't get along, and it's really hard on the kids. 0:35:56.560 --> 0:35:58.680 And I think the most important thing you can do 0:35:59.560 --> 0:36:01.920 in loving your children is love them more than you 0:36:01.960 --> 0:36:04.239 hate your ex. And if you can learn how not 0:36:04.280 --> 0:36:07.400 to hate your ex, it's really helpful for your kids. 0:36:07.520 --> 0:36:12.319 It's not up to you to disparage their ex. And 0:36:12.520 --> 0:36:15.560 it's hard because you want to tell them how terrible 0:36:15.600 --> 0:36:18.080 they're being to you, you know, but that's between the 0:36:18.080 --> 0:36:20.080 two of you, and it's not between you know. The 0:36:20.160 --> 0:36:24.080 kids have to find it out for themselves. But I'm 0:36:24.080 --> 0:36:25.879 not here to tell anybody how to do it either, 0:36:26.280 --> 0:36:28.759 because every situation is individual. 0:36:29.680 --> 0:36:32.680 Yeah, what works for you or me? It doesn't, No, No, 0:36:32.800 --> 0:36:37.160 it's just I think. But sharing our stories as you 0:36:37.320 --> 0:36:41.040 do so vulnerably vulnerably in your book, Thank you, it's 0:36:42.480 --> 0:36:47.600 moving and when something moves you, it alters something inside 0:36:47.600 --> 0:36:50.240 of you, Like you see things differently. 0:36:50.000 --> 0:36:55.080 Yeah, yeah, And I think seeing things differently is a 0:36:55.120 --> 0:36:59.359 gift because then like if we only looked at things 0:36:59.400 --> 0:37:01.800 through our like little I used to have blinders on 0:37:01.840 --> 0:37:03.600 all the time, You're not going to see much. 0:37:03.640 --> 0:37:05.200 You're not going to open yourself up to the world. 0:37:05.320 --> 0:37:07.799 Right, There's so many different experiences, and people are having 0:37:07.800 --> 0:37:10.880 different experiences all the time, and I'm always so curious 0:37:10.920 --> 0:37:14.520 about what motivates them and why they're going through this experience, 0:37:14.520 --> 0:37:16.640 what the choices they made, and why they made them. 0:37:17.000 --> 0:37:18.839 Not because they're wrong or right, but because I think 0:37:18.840 --> 0:37:21.279 it's interesting and I want to know how they got to. 0:37:21.400 --> 0:37:22.960 Their you know, through their journey. 0:37:22.960 --> 0:37:23.520 You're curious. 0:37:23.600 --> 0:37:24.600 I'm so curious. 0:37:24.719 --> 0:37:26.840 Yeah, because you learn from. 0:37:26.640 --> 0:37:28.080 Other people's all the time. 0:37:28.320 --> 0:37:30.680 Yeah, And which is why I write the books, is 0:37:30.680 --> 0:37:34.560 because I think as I grow and change and grow 0:37:34.719 --> 0:37:37.600 up and learn new skills, I think it's helpful to 0:37:37.600 --> 0:37:38.360 pass those along. 0:37:38.800 --> 0:37:41.640 You definitely do in your book. I really enjoyed reading. 0:37:41.920 --> 0:37:44.640 I enjoyed getting to know you. I felt so like I, 0:37:44.840 --> 0:37:47.920 you know, very intimately knew you kind of from inside 0:37:47.920 --> 0:37:49.279 your brain, which I. 0:37:49.280 --> 0:37:52.239 Really kind of like it. Yeah, oh, thanks, thank you. 0:37:52.360 --> 0:37:53.400 I like it in your brain. 0:37:53.520 --> 0:37:53.920 Thank you. 0:37:54.080 --> 0:37:57.120 I finally do too. For a long time I didn't, No, 0:37:57.320 --> 0:37:57.760 I can. 0:37:57.680 --> 0:38:08.360 Relate yea, yes, yes, okay, let's talk about your kitchen 0:38:08.560 --> 0:38:12.319 and your new show, your new digital platform. Hello, that's 0:38:12.360 --> 0:38:16.240 a very fun title. Yeah, valeriees Place, Uh huh where 0:38:16.320 --> 0:38:19.000 you are cooking live streaming? 0:38:19.080 --> 0:38:22.880 Yes, I'm going to live stream cooking. Okay, cook The 0:38:22.920 --> 0:38:25.080 website is up. It's Valoresplace dot com. You can go 0:38:25.120 --> 0:38:25.680 and sign up. 0:38:26.120 --> 0:38:30.080 And I have three cooking shows plus a live show. 0:38:30.560 --> 0:38:32.680 I also have a book group that I want to 0:38:32.719 --> 0:38:35.480 start on the site, and I have a podcast that 0:38:35.520 --> 0:38:36.400 I had told you about. 0:38:36.239 --> 0:38:39.279 Before we started getting naked, and that's going. 0:38:39.280 --> 0:38:41.560 To be great. Yeah, lots of stuff. If you don't 0:38:41.640 --> 0:38:42.759 like me, you're not going to like this. 0:38:42.800 --> 0:38:44.080 Se don't go on the platform. 0:38:44.120 --> 0:38:47.279 People go on somebody else, go on someone that you 0:38:47.280 --> 0:38:47.560 do like. 0:38:47.719 --> 0:38:49.799 Right, Wait, but how did that? How did you come 0:38:49.840 --> 0:38:52.280 to this decision to do this? Just take the bowl 0:38:52.280 --> 0:38:53.680 by the horns and do what you wanted. 0:38:53.960 --> 0:38:56.279 These guys if Visible Things came to me, okay, and 0:38:56.320 --> 0:38:58.239 they said, we do this, we know how to do this, 0:38:58.320 --> 0:39:00.480 and we think you're a perfect candidate to do this with. 0:39:01.040 --> 0:39:03.840 And I just lost my Food Network show. So this 0:39:03.960 --> 0:39:05.560 was a couple of years ago that they came to me. 0:39:05.600 --> 0:39:10.160 It's taken this long to build it out, And they said, 0:39:10.160 --> 0:39:11.360 what do you want to do on it? So I 0:39:11.400 --> 0:39:13.279 told them all of my interests. I said, I'm a 0:39:13.280 --> 0:39:13.719 book club. 0:39:13.760 --> 0:39:14.080 I love it. 0:39:14.120 --> 0:39:15.560 I you know, I love to cook. I miss my 0:39:15.600 --> 0:39:19.880 cooking show, and I love talking to people. So I 0:39:19.960 --> 0:39:21.480 might want to do a podcast. I don't want to 0:39:21.480 --> 0:39:23.560 do a talk show because it's I see the way 0:39:23.640 --> 0:39:25.280 Drew works and it's hard. 0:39:25.400 --> 0:39:25.560 Hard. 0:39:25.880 --> 0:39:28.360 This is hard in its own but it's fun, like 0:39:28.400 --> 0:39:30.480 you really get to know people. And I think the 0:39:31.640 --> 0:39:34.640 the rush of doing talk shows and doing a bunch 0:39:34.640 --> 0:39:37.200 of different things is I don't. 0:39:37.000 --> 0:39:38.040 Know that I could handle it. 0:39:38.080 --> 0:39:39.480 My a lot of moving parts. 0:39:39.520 --> 0:39:41.359 It's a lot of moving parts. But there's really good 0:39:41.360 --> 0:39:43.080 people that do that, and Drew's one of the best 0:39:43.120 --> 0:39:43.359 of it. 0:39:43.440 --> 0:39:45.719 Yes, that is so they don't need me. 0:39:46.080 --> 0:39:48.520 So people can just go on and click and watch you. 0:39:48.680 --> 0:39:51.320 They want to any cooking show they want to watch. 0:39:51.560 --> 0:39:54.840 It's it is monetized because these things cost money. 0:39:54.920 --> 0:39:56.360 Like I have to pay for the crew. I have 0:39:56.480 --> 0:39:58.919 to pay, you know, for everything. I have to pay 0:39:58.920 --> 0:40:00.640 for all of it. Everything. 0:40:01.080 --> 0:40:03.239 I am using my house, so you actually get a 0:40:03.320 --> 0:40:07.120 tour of my house, go into my library. All my 0:40:07.160 --> 0:40:10.440 animals are there all the time. We actually have we 0:40:10.680 --> 0:40:13.960 do have a place. I'm weighing whether or not I'm 0:40:14.000 --> 0:40:15.920 going to set up. My son thinks I set up 0:40:16.000 --> 0:40:19.240 should set up a pet cam in the cadio because 0:40:19.239 --> 0:40:21.120 the cats are pretty funny the cadio. 0:40:21.800 --> 0:40:22.720 I do have a cadio. 0:40:23.440 --> 0:40:26.399 Yes, it's all windows and it's just for them and 0:40:26.520 --> 0:40:27.920 you can go out there. They can go out there. 0:40:27.920 --> 0:40:32.840 I have three different bird feeders, I have a bird bath, 0:40:33.000 --> 0:40:34.120 I have everything for them. 0:40:34.120 --> 0:40:35.120 Plus I have bird TV. 0:40:35.480 --> 0:40:36.160 Lucky Cat. 0:40:36.320 --> 0:40:39.040 Yeah, yeah, I want to be my cat. 0:40:40.480 --> 0:40:42.920 Yeah. Isn't it great when your kid brings you ideas? 0:40:43.000 --> 0:40:43.280 Yes? 0:40:43.960 --> 0:40:45.279 Yeah, because they're right. 0:40:45.680 --> 0:40:49.040 He's always My son's always right. Yeah, yeah, he'll he'll 0:40:49.040 --> 0:40:49.799 bring something up. 0:40:49.719 --> 0:40:50.520 That they're always right. 0:40:51.320 --> 0:40:52.720 At a point, how old are your kids? 0:40:53.200 --> 0:40:55.080 Nineteen twenty three and twenty eight? 0:40:55.160 --> 0:40:57.000 Okay, yeah, we'll feel be thirty five. 0:40:57.239 --> 0:40:57.520 Okay. 0:40:57.640 --> 0:41:00.520 So he's got a few so he's like his belt, 0:41:00.760 --> 0:41:02.399 yeah yeah, so he can be on it. And he's 0:41:02.440 --> 0:41:04.319 got three albums under his belt, and he's really he's 0:41:04.360 --> 0:41:07.040 really built his own business and his own you know 0:41:07.400 --> 0:41:11.720 world for himself, his own touring business, own band and yeah, 0:41:11.719 --> 0:41:13.879 so I kind of I trust his instincts. He's got 0:41:13.880 --> 0:41:18.400 his own show on Sirius FM. So XM serious, XM. 0:41:18.840 --> 0:41:20.719 Go well if you go yeah, yeah, I know I 0:41:20.719 --> 0:41:21.719 can tell how proud you are. 0:41:22.000 --> 0:41:24.360 I know, I just like, as my boy. 0:41:24.239 --> 0:41:27.040 What do you think about letting people into your home 0:41:27.080 --> 0:41:30.080 though it's your kitchen. It's such an intimate it is. 0:41:30.880 --> 0:41:33.399 And we didn't do it for Food Network because they 0:41:33.480 --> 0:41:36.120 told me that we wouldn't be able to because the crew, 0:41:37.400 --> 0:41:39.879 the crew was so you know, and we did. 0:41:39.920 --> 0:41:41.120 They took up a lot of space. 0:41:41.640 --> 0:41:44.600 But this is such an intimate small show as well 0:41:45.280 --> 0:41:48.400 that we only need two cameramen. Sometimes we have a 0:41:48.440 --> 0:41:53.480 third with a with a phone and the sound is miked. 0:41:54.239 --> 0:41:56.400 And we do need the outdoor kitchen in my in 0:41:56.440 --> 0:41:58.960 my garage, and I take everybody, you know, behind the scenes, 0:41:59.120 --> 0:42:01.840 because I think we're all think these shows just happen magically. 0:42:02.000 --> 0:42:02.120 Right. 0:42:02.680 --> 0:42:06.120 There's also a lot it's unattainable for the normal price. 0:42:06.040 --> 0:42:09.920 And right, but it's because I have a kitchen in 0:42:09.960 --> 0:42:12.719 my like, they just delivered the kitchen because I'm gonna 0:42:12.719 --> 0:42:15.640 start cooking in on Thursday and Friday. They just delivered 0:42:15.680 --> 0:42:19.680 a kitchen, so they're building that in my garage, and 0:42:19.719 --> 0:42:22.320 then my sous chef will come in and he'll start 0:42:22.400 --> 0:42:25.760 chopping away and doing everything. My producer, my culinary producer, 0:42:25.800 --> 0:42:28.120 has started writing all of the scripts and taking the 0:42:28.160 --> 0:42:30.759 recipes for what we're going to be shooting. So it's 0:42:30.840 --> 0:42:33.279 it's a lot of work, but we want to make 0:42:33.280 --> 0:42:34.359 it look easy. 0:42:34.080 --> 0:42:35.520 Because cooking is easy. 0:42:35.760 --> 0:42:39.200 Cooking is fun, and it should really feel like you're 0:42:39.320 --> 0:42:41.960 just like stretching and playing with your artistic muscle. Y, 0:42:42.000 --> 0:42:42.799 it's another way of. 0:42:42.719 --> 0:42:43.400 Being our chefe. 0:42:44.080 --> 0:42:46.480 Yes, but I don't when I'm home alone when so 0:42:46.480 --> 0:42:48.560 when I do my meals for one, that's just me 0:42:48.680 --> 0:42:49.799 doing it on my own. 0:42:50.800 --> 0:42:53.760 I like the meals for one, Yeah, these are good meals. 0:42:53.880 --> 0:42:56.399 Yes, I mean too girl dinner every night. 0:42:56.480 --> 0:42:58.319 I want to ask you about this because you talk 0:42:58.360 --> 0:43:01.200 about getting naked in your book. I mean it's called 0:43:01.239 --> 0:43:05.080 getting naked, and it's for reasons far beyond actually taking 0:43:05.080 --> 0:43:07.200 your clothes off. But you actually did, in fact take 0:43:07.239 --> 0:43:10.080 your clothes off at one point, yes, in order to 0:43:10.120 --> 0:43:13.440 get where you are right now, right? Yes, the skinny 0:43:13.480 --> 0:43:15.960 dipping or the cover well, the skinny dipping. 0:43:15.800 --> 0:43:19.520 Okay, Well, because I'm like I got cameras up all 0:43:19.520 --> 0:43:22.520 over my house because I just you know, it's it's 0:43:22.560 --> 0:43:25.040 it's in an area that we have to be careful. 0:43:25.640 --> 0:43:31.719 So it was it was like, I don't know, it 0:43:31.760 --> 0:43:34.400 was a beautiful part of night. It was the gorgeous outside, 0:43:34.640 --> 0:43:38.440 and I'm home alone with my animals, and I'm thinking 0:43:38.960 --> 0:43:43.480 nobody would see me if I just dove in, nobody 0:43:43.480 --> 0:43:43.920 would see me. 0:43:43.960 --> 0:43:46.359 He doesn't have that thought, I know. Okay, good, yeah, 0:43:46.400 --> 0:43:47.320 I thought it was crazy. 0:43:47.880 --> 0:43:50.319 Okay, good, Like I'm let's walk around naked. 0:43:50.560 --> 0:43:50.880 Yeah. 0:43:51.200 --> 0:43:54.120 Oh like sometimes I'll run downstairs naked because sometimes I 0:43:54.160 --> 0:43:55.479 don't sleep in a T shirt. 0:43:55.520 --> 0:43:56.160 Sometimes it's not. 0:43:56.800 --> 0:43:59.239 Sometimes I'm not, And I'll run downstairs because I hear 0:43:59.239 --> 0:44:01.400 one of the cats and I'm like, I hope the 0:44:01.440 --> 0:44:02.360 house is a cash fryer. 0:44:02.280 --> 0:44:05.000 Right now, you know, because I just this. I'm okay 0:44:05.000 --> 0:44:05.200 with this. 0:44:05.239 --> 0:44:06.880 I'm okay with the cats and the dogs seeing me, 0:44:06.920 --> 0:44:10.040 but nothing else. But it feels so good to get 0:44:10.120 --> 0:44:13.759 naked and not care, not care. I could just feel 0:44:13.840 --> 0:44:16.000 so good. So you recommend it to anybody. 0:44:16.080 --> 0:44:18.080 You jumped in the pool, jumped in the pool, took 0:44:18.080 --> 0:44:18.800 a couple laps. 0:44:18.840 --> 0:44:20.360 Did you forget about the video cameras. 0:44:20.800 --> 0:44:25.520 Yeah, yeah, but you know, whoever is watching, I hope 0:44:25.520 --> 0:44:25.799 they had. 0:44:25.719 --> 0:44:26.200 A nice show. 0:44:26.440 --> 0:44:27.520 No one's supposed to be watching. 0:44:27.560 --> 0:44:29.239 No, no one's supposed to be keeping an eye on 0:44:29.280 --> 0:44:31.040 the you know, security cameras. 0:44:31.080 --> 0:44:31.799 But what are you gonna do? 0:44:31.840 --> 0:44:32.279 Who knows? 0:44:32.320 --> 0:44:32.960 Who knows? 0:44:33.640 --> 0:44:36.759 Do you think it's ever too late to start doing 0:44:36.800 --> 0:44:38.800 the hard work now choosing yourself? 0:44:39.480 --> 0:44:39.719 Never? 0:44:40.600 --> 0:44:42.640 I am going to be sixty six years old, and 0:44:42.719 --> 0:44:47.879 I really feel like, Okay, started work ten maybe more. 0:44:48.200 --> 0:44:49.239 I think I've always. 0:44:48.960 --> 0:44:52.400 Been working, but I think I really started once I 0:44:52.440 --> 0:44:56.319 admitted what happened as a child and was able to 0:44:56.320 --> 0:44:58.400 dig into it. I think that's where the real work started. 0:44:59.719 --> 0:45:01.520 And I I think I've really been able to come 0:45:01.680 --> 0:45:07.160 to maybe even an apex of it where it feels 0:45:07.239 --> 0:45:14.120 like I finally really learned something. I finally really like 0:45:14.239 --> 0:45:18.680 myself without feeling cringe about saying that, because I would say, no, 0:45:18.760 --> 0:45:19.600 I like myself. 0:45:20.200 --> 0:45:20.600 I do. 0:45:21.080 --> 0:45:24.680 I love myself, you know, and I just didn't feel it. 0:45:24.719 --> 0:45:28.160 But I really like me, and I'm allowed to like me. 0:45:28.560 --> 0:45:32.799 It doesn't mean that I'm egotistical, but we all have 0:45:32.840 --> 0:45:36.600 an ego, and that ego can be healthy. But I 0:45:36.640 --> 0:45:39.800 would want everyone to have that gift of finally really 0:45:39.880 --> 0:45:44.000 liking themselves, because everybody is really lovable all. 0:45:44.120 --> 0:45:44.760 On their own. 0:45:45.200 --> 0:45:48.600 It doesn't matter what you've done, It doesn't matter like 0:45:49.080 --> 0:45:51.920 the mistakes that you've made. 0:45:52.160 --> 0:45:56.600 It we're all lovable because we're we're here for a purpose. 0:45:57.000 --> 0:45:59.719 We're here to love, we're here to learn, and we're 0:45:59.719 --> 0:46:03.440 here to have a community. So how can you not 0:46:03.560 --> 0:46:08.120 love yourself? Yeah, well I know a lot of people 0:46:08.120 --> 0:46:08.959 don't because I did. 0:46:09.200 --> 0:46:12.279 Yeah, yeah, you've been there. Yeah, Okay, before I let 0:46:12.280 --> 0:46:16.920 you go, Valerie Burtonellie, what was your last I choose. 0:46:16.640 --> 0:46:24.040 Me moment when I chose myself over a relationship because 0:46:24.080 --> 0:46:28.960 I knew that was the right choice. When I chose 0:46:29.120 --> 0:46:35.879 my emotional health over continuing something that I knew wasn't. 0:46:35.920 --> 0:46:38.320 Okay, that's a very brave choice. 0:46:38.600 --> 0:46:41.719 It is because I think as a people pleaser, I 0:46:41.760 --> 0:46:43.680 think you may be one too, may have had that 0:46:43.760 --> 0:46:49.279 in your past. And I tried to please for so 0:46:49.440 --> 0:46:53.959 long that I finally and this actually happened with multiple relationships, 0:46:56.200 --> 0:46:57.759 and I think I just got to a point where 0:46:57.760 --> 0:47:01.040 I was able to choose myself sooner and faster, not 0:47:01.200 --> 0:47:03.359 let as many years go by and. 0:47:05.160 --> 0:47:06.720 I think we just have to get to a certain 0:47:06.760 --> 0:47:11.040 point where we say this isn't healthy for me and 0:47:11.080 --> 0:47:11.920 be okay with that. 0:47:13.600 --> 0:47:14.759 Yes, be brave enough. 0:47:14.920 --> 0:47:18.359 Yeah, be brave enough, step outside, be kind about it. 0:47:18.960 --> 0:47:23.880 But you still. I would really. 0:47:23.719 --> 0:47:29.800 Want anybody to choose themselves over anything that's hurting them always, 0:47:30.640 --> 0:47:37.279 And I'm so used to feeling the like you get 0:47:37.360 --> 0:47:40.319 used to the pain because you think that's I mean, 0:47:40.320 --> 0:47:41.080 that's what I'm used to. 0:47:42.040 --> 0:47:42.840 It's comfortable. 0:47:42.920 --> 0:47:47.120 It's comfortable, which sounds odd on its face, but you 0:47:47.160 --> 0:47:49.920 do get comfortable, especially when you've been doing it for decades. 0:47:50.280 --> 0:47:52.560 It's like, well, I'm just uncomfortable. This hurts me, but 0:47:52.840 --> 0:47:56.760 they'll feel better and that's not healthy. 0:47:56.920 --> 0:48:01.160 That's no way to live. No, no, So that Yeah. 0:48:00.960 --> 0:48:04.640 I chose me, and I would encourage anybody else to 0:48:04.719 --> 0:48:05.440 choose themselves. 0:48:06.360 --> 0:48:09.560 Thank you, Valerie, thank you, Jenny, you guys. I'm very 0:48:09.560 --> 0:48:13.480 excited to share that my book I Choose Me Chasing Joy, 0:48:13.760 --> 0:48:19.640 Finding Purpose and Embracing Reinvention is coming April fourteenth, and 0:48:19.680 --> 0:48:22.320 it would mean the world to me if you would 0:48:22.360 --> 0:48:26.279 pre order a copy or the audiobook wherever you get 0:48:26.280 --> 0:48:29.960 your books. And yes, I am definitely narrating the audiobook, 0:48:30.000 --> 0:48:31.040 so it's going to be so fun.