1 00:00:01,040 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's The Velvet's 2 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:10,080 Speaker 1: Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson. One of the main reasons 3 00:00:10,119 --> 00:00:13,480 Speaker 1: I started the velvets Edge podcast was my complete fascination 4 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:17,200 Speaker 1: with why humans do what we do, how we got 5 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:20,279 Speaker 1: to where we got, and how we continue growing and 6 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:23,439 Speaker 1: learning to truly live our lives and our greatest purpose. 7 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,960 Speaker 1: One thing I've learned is that a common denominator between 8 00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:31,880 Speaker 1: most humans is the interest and sometimes struggle in dating, marriage, 9 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:35,880 Speaker 1: and relationship dynamics in general. I have yet to meet 10 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:39,640 Speaker 1: a person who has any of these topics perfectly figured out, 11 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:42,320 Speaker 1: but I have met many people who have the insight 12 00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:45,519 Speaker 1: within these realms that has opened my eyes too and 13 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,080 Speaker 1: given me just so many Aha moments to some of 14 00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:52,680 Speaker 1: my own personal struggles and triumphs within a relationship. I 15 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,880 Speaker 1: wanted to put some of my favorite learning moments into 16 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,800 Speaker 1: one podcast to answer the questions you guys may have, 17 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:00,440 Speaker 1: but also to hopefully give you guys new tools and 18 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:04,240 Speaker 1: understanding to either find the relationship you want, grow through 19 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:07,959 Speaker 1: a breakup, or strengthen the current relationship you are in. 20 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:11,720 Speaker 1: Author of Breaking Up and Bouncing Back and How to 21 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:15,160 Speaker 1: Love Successfully Samantha burns. One of the main things you 22 00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,400 Speaker 1: talk about is finding out if your core values line up. 23 00:01:18,720 --> 00:01:20,880 Speaker 1: So can you give us like some more examples of 24 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:24,040 Speaker 1: those things. Absolutely, so I go really in depth of 25 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:27,119 Speaker 1: that in um Breaking Up and Bouncing Back. So if 26 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:29,800 Speaker 1: you want like a whole list of those, definitely check 27 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,759 Speaker 1: out the book. But so, core values to me are 28 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,640 Speaker 1: what mels most to you. So something that's a core 29 00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,639 Speaker 1: value for one person might not be a core value 30 00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,720 Speaker 1: for someone else. So those could be And I walk 31 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,840 Speaker 1: you through everything from you know, your work life, balance, 32 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,880 Speaker 1: career aspirations, the environment. Like one person might be really 33 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:51,640 Speaker 1: jazzed about recycling and minimizing their carbon footprint, while someone 34 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:54,680 Speaker 1: else might care a ton about health and sleetness and 35 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,720 Speaker 1: living and active life. So someone might you know, go 36 00:01:57,840 --> 00:02:01,240 Speaker 1: to church every Sunday, or someone, um, I really want 37 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,840 Speaker 1: to start a family, So they're they're very like goal 38 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,960 Speaker 1: oriented towards finding someone else who wants to have kids, 39 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:10,400 Speaker 1: someone you know who has family values. Well that that 40 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,560 Speaker 1: can mean so many different things. So what does family 41 00:02:12,639 --> 00:02:15,840 Speaker 1: values mean? Like one person might have dinner with their family, 42 00:02:15,919 --> 00:02:19,639 Speaker 1: you know, every single um Friday night, or might still 43 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,520 Speaker 1: live with their family, or just might really enjoy talking 44 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,359 Speaker 1: to them on the phone and they want to also, 45 00:02:24,919 --> 00:02:28,120 Speaker 1: you know, find someone who's just as enthusiastic about spending 46 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:31,239 Speaker 1: quality family time. So it's really about kind of figuring 47 00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:34,400 Speaker 1: out what matters most of you book governs your life. 48 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:37,040 Speaker 1: And then also I kind of grewed in with core 49 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:40,480 Speaker 1: values things like kind of like your life vision, our goals. 50 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:43,800 Speaker 1: So maybe you really want to make all the money 51 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:46,840 Speaker 1: and retire earlier and about to the country, or maybe 52 00:02:46,880 --> 00:02:51,040 Speaker 1: you um want to travel the world, or you you know, 53 00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,680 Speaker 1: you really want marriaging kids. So whatever kind of your 54 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,200 Speaker 1: life goals are, you want to find someone who also 55 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,200 Speaker 1: share as a similar life path or life goals so 56 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:02,920 Speaker 1: that you're working toward it's the same things together. Um. 57 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,840 Speaker 1: And what I see though, is like people aren't necessarily 58 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,639 Speaker 1: dating with intent, and when dating would intent means aligning 59 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:12,400 Speaker 1: your core value. So they might be getting together because 60 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:15,799 Speaker 1: they share a friend group and so they're friends you know, 61 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,520 Speaker 1: wile having comments and keep seeing the same groups of people, 62 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,000 Speaker 1: and maybe you start looking up that way or have 63 00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,360 Speaker 1: really hot, passionate sex with someone, so you get kind 64 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:26,800 Speaker 1: of addicted to physical chemistry even though there's no really 65 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:31,840 Speaker 1: underlying fundamental UM. Connection. So I think the aligning core 66 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:35,320 Speaker 1: values is a very pragmatic approach to love um and 67 00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:37,560 Speaker 1: it's not the sexiest approach to look, but that's what's 68 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:40,480 Speaker 1: going to create a foundation for you guys to build 69 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:44,000 Speaker 1: off of in the long run. Rum And the biggest 70 00:03:44,040 --> 00:03:47,280 Speaker 1: mistake people make they compromise on their core values, and 71 00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:51,840 Speaker 1: that will always lead to resentment in a relationship. Relationship 72 00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:55,280 Speaker 1: coach and founder of the Breakup boot Camp, Amy chan 73 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,560 Speaker 1: I say this not because there was something wrong with me, 74 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:01,520 Speaker 1: and for anyone listening, it's not because there's something wrong 75 00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:04,000 Speaker 1: with you or that you are broken and you need 76 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:07,800 Speaker 1: to be fixed. It's that we have belief systems that 77 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:11,680 Speaker 1: are often launched deep in our subconscious mind, and many 78 00:04:11,720 --> 00:04:14,320 Speaker 1: times if we're not getting the outcomes that we want, 79 00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:19,360 Speaker 1: especially in love, it's because those belief systems are dysfunctional. 80 00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:23,880 Speaker 1: And so that is the foundation of what programs us 81 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:26,160 Speaker 1: to feel the way we do and at the way 82 00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,880 Speaker 1: we act and choose the people that we choose when 83 00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:31,359 Speaker 1: it comes to relationships. You know what I heard in 84 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:33,600 Speaker 1: that that I think is so interesting, and this has 85 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,880 Speaker 1: been very much my experience as well, is when you 86 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,920 Speaker 1: said they all looked very different, but they were exactly 87 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,919 Speaker 1: the same. Actually about all the men you dated. And 88 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,680 Speaker 1: I've always dealt with that because every single boyfriend I've 89 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,920 Speaker 1: ever had has looked really different, and so people are like, 90 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,920 Speaker 1: you don't really have a type, Like I think that's 91 00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:52,880 Speaker 1: so interesting. The order I've gotten in, the more work 92 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:54,800 Speaker 1: I've done on myself, I'm like, oh, no, I have 93 00:04:54,839 --> 00:04:58,840 Speaker 1: a type, very much have a type, and they're all 94 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:02,200 Speaker 1: exactly a lot. And the dynamic in our relationship is 95 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:05,160 Speaker 1: the same, although it just presents itself a little bit 96 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:10,159 Speaker 1: differently externally. Yeah, so fascinating to why is it? So? 97 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,680 Speaker 1: Isn't there something um? I was reading on your side 98 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:15,279 Speaker 1: about just the subconscious patterns and love, which is what 99 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,680 Speaker 1: you sort of just described. But why is that? Are 100 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:21,839 Speaker 1: we just trying to heal our old relationships with these 101 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:28,320 Speaker 1: new relationships? Yeah? So, um. There is something called attractions 102 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:33,080 Speaker 1: of deprivation UM, coined by an author and research your name, 103 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 1: Ken Page, and he describes this as UM adults. As adults, 104 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:43,080 Speaker 1: we try to recreate the original feed of the crime, 105 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:46,680 Speaker 1: and so that our subconscious line things that if we 106 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:50,279 Speaker 1: recreate it, we can actually solve what we couldn't solve 107 00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:54,240 Speaker 1: as a child. So for example, if I was only 108 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:58,040 Speaker 1: to give more and do more, maybe finally I will 109 00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:01,400 Speaker 1: earn that love now, that love that I was never 110 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,880 Speaker 1: able to earn when I was a young child with 111 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:07,640 Speaker 1: my father. And so our mind works in loops. So 112 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:10,159 Speaker 1: if there's an open loop and you weren't able to 113 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,760 Speaker 1: figure that out as child, you almost recreate that scenario 114 00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:17,200 Speaker 1: over and over again trying in attempt to solve it now. 115 00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:22,560 Speaker 1: And and and there's other things. So UM, there's also something 116 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:28,120 Speaker 1: called attachment theory, which is UM super fascinating. By the 117 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:31,960 Speaker 1: age of around two years old, we develop an attachment system, 118 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:36,680 Speaker 1: a style on how we're going to relate romantically as adults. 119 00:06:36,720 --> 00:06:41,520 Speaker 1: And there's three main different attachment styles and UM, the 120 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:45,159 Speaker 1: first one is secure reached. Searchers say this without fifty 121 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,360 Speaker 1: percent of the population and people who have a secure 122 00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 1: attachment style, they are not codependent. They are open to 123 00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:58,400 Speaker 1: receiving and giving love. When there's an argument or fight, 124 00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:00,880 Speaker 1: they don't turn it into a catachroph be they do 125 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:03,800 Speaker 1: not put their identity or their sense of self worth 126 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:09,360 Speaker 1: on the validation of their partner. And um they are 127 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:15,400 Speaker 1: very even keel in um emotional distress. And so this 128 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,120 Speaker 1: is a product of parents who were able to be 129 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 1: consistent with their caregiving, attuned to their needs, and so 130 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:27,040 Speaker 1: the child actually grows up UM instead of the task 131 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:30,640 Speaker 1: and systems to their parents, now transfers onto the catchment 132 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:33,240 Speaker 1: system they have with their primary partner, and they feel 133 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,760 Speaker 1: safe and they feel secure, and they feel supported and 134 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,760 Speaker 1: they're able to go out into the world and explore 135 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,640 Speaker 1: and know that they have a safe based Did you 136 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:45,720 Speaker 1: say now of our society? Yeah? Are these people I 137 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:52,120 Speaker 1: haven't met any Well? What might be fashioning to you 138 00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:55,600 Speaker 1: that you may fall into one of these other categories? 139 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:59,760 Speaker 1: So I was playing the avoidant attachment style. UM. This 140 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:04,960 Speaker 1: is usually the product of parents who wore UH and 141 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:08,560 Speaker 1: meshing their child, meaning they treated their child as if 142 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 1: they had to have an adult responsibility. So it could 143 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,520 Speaker 1: have been the child acted as a therapist, the stand 144 00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:18,280 Speaker 1: and father, the stand and mother um, something other than 145 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:20,440 Speaker 1: being the child. They had to take on the role 146 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:24,040 Speaker 1: of an adult UH or a child who had their 147 00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:27,960 Speaker 1: over controlling parents. UM. This can also lead to someone 148 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,840 Speaker 1: growing up have been avoid attachment. And what happens with 149 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,600 Speaker 1: people who have been avoid and attachment is they actually 150 00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:38,800 Speaker 1: subconsciously suppress their attachment system. So this means they might 151 00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:41,559 Speaker 1: be able to get into relationships, but they always keep 152 00:08:41,559 --> 00:08:45,120 Speaker 1: an emotional distance. And what happens is when someone gets 153 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:49,199 Speaker 1: too close, what they will do what's called deactivating strategies, 154 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:54,440 Speaker 1: meaning they will do things that will actually squelch intimacy. So, 155 00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:57,520 Speaker 1: for example, this might look like you go on a 156 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:03,000 Speaker 1: romantic weekend with someone and UM, Suddenly after you get back, 157 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:07,920 Speaker 1: the person pulls away and need space and starts being 158 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:12,160 Speaker 1: a loose and inconsistent UM because in their mind they're like, 159 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:14,600 Speaker 1: oh my gosh, it's too much pressure as it's too close, 160 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,320 Speaker 1: and then they kind of freak out and they retreat. 161 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:21,000 Speaker 1: And so this is an example where they're squelching intimacy, 162 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,439 Speaker 1: but they don't know what's going on. So if you're 163 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,880 Speaker 1: not aware of attachment theory, you just think that this 164 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:29,360 Speaker 1: is normal. Another tendency for people who have an avoidant 165 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:33,280 Speaker 1: attachment style is they might be chasing a unicorn UM. 166 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,959 Speaker 1: So you know, things might go well in the first 167 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:38,400 Speaker 1: few weeks of the first few months, and then suddenly 168 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:42,400 Speaker 1: all the imperfection fled in and they're constantly looking for 169 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:46,080 Speaker 1: some one better because the unicorn just can't be found. UM. 170 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:50,800 Speaker 1: So those are examples of avoidance. And then the third um, 171 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,600 Speaker 1: which is makes something most of the women who come 172 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:57,360 Speaker 1: to renew who have an anxious attachment style, So this 173 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,200 Speaker 1: is used the products of inconsistent character living. Sometimes your 174 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:04,120 Speaker 1: needs were met, sometimes they weren't. And it's a very 175 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:08,240 Speaker 1: um disregulated nervous system. And so people who have an 176 00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,520 Speaker 1: anxious attachment style, they have a fundamental fear of being 177 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:15,120 Speaker 1: abandoned or rejected at any time. And so if they 178 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,520 Speaker 1: ever sense that there's a threat to the connection, uh, 179 00:10:18,559 --> 00:10:22,400 Speaker 1: the nervous system goes on like total alarm selves and 180 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:26,599 Speaker 1: they actually can't calm down until connection is re established. 181 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,800 Speaker 1: They might engage in what's called protest behavior, which looks 182 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,439 Speaker 1: like you send a text message and you don't hear 183 00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:39,800 Speaker 1: back for four hours from your partner, and um, you're like, oh, 184 00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:43,120 Speaker 1: scare you. I'm gonna just wait four days until I 185 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:46,959 Speaker 1: message you back. Or you might keep calling crazy and 186 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:50,080 Speaker 1: crazy like over and over and over again. Um. You 187 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,520 Speaker 1: might even date someone and start being like, oh my gosh, 188 00:10:53,559 --> 00:10:56,120 Speaker 1: I'm really feeling something for this person. I'm gonna just 189 00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:58,880 Speaker 1: go and uh date this other person here on the side, 190 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:03,520 Speaker 1: just to take the edge off and so Um. Anxious 191 00:11:03,559 --> 00:11:06,719 Speaker 1: are drawn to avoidance, and avoidance of drawn to anxious, 192 00:11:06,760 --> 00:11:10,720 Speaker 1: And the key thing that really differentiates them is Avoidance 193 00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:14,120 Speaker 1: have an inherent fear that their freedom and their independence 194 00:11:14,200 --> 00:11:18,080 Speaker 1: is going to be taken away, and anxious haven't insured 195 00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,760 Speaker 1: fear that they will be abandoned or rejected. Now they're 196 00:11:20,760 --> 00:11:23,600 Speaker 1: both drawn to each other because they both confirm each 197 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:27,640 Speaker 1: other's belief systems. So we okay, wait, let me try 198 00:11:27,679 --> 00:11:31,480 Speaker 1: to unpack that a little bit. Um. So we're drawn 199 00:11:31,559 --> 00:11:35,040 Speaker 1: to someone because they reaffirm our belief systems, but it's 200 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:39,920 Speaker 1: not necessary. It's like our fears, right, yeah, So I 201 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,160 Speaker 1: mean belief can definitely be fears at the same time. 202 00:11:43,559 --> 00:11:46,000 Speaker 1: So if I have an inherent belief that I am 203 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:49,000 Speaker 1: going to be abandoned, whether or not, I'm aware of 204 00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:52,480 Speaker 1: that belief. Sometimes it's very deep and its subconscious. I 205 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:58,079 Speaker 1: will I track situations where that emotional experience is going 206 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:00,720 Speaker 1: to play out the way that I leave it's going 207 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:04,320 Speaker 1: to I will choose people in that way. I might 208 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,320 Speaker 1: find that people who are secure and consistent and who 209 00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:11,440 Speaker 1: won't leave me. I might say you're boring, um, and 210 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,040 Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't have chemistry with those people, but 211 00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,080 Speaker 1: you recreate that emotional experience that is rooted in the 212 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:20,439 Speaker 1: belief system that you believe in. Isn't it so interesting though? 213 00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:24,520 Speaker 1: Because those seem like they would be negative experiences from 214 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:27,240 Speaker 1: our childhood or even you know, like in your adult life. 215 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:32,160 Speaker 1: They don't feel good, So why would we keep recreating them? 216 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,319 Speaker 1: Because it's in your subconscious So on a logical level, 217 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:39,600 Speaker 1: you're like, oh, yeah, that bad boy who has red 218 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:43,640 Speaker 1: flags all over, who cheated on his last three girlfriends, 219 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,599 Speaker 1: who I met us far while I was drunk. I 220 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:50,440 Speaker 1: totally shouldn't like this guy. And then he textas and 221 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:53,080 Speaker 1: you're like, okay, just this one, this one one drink, 222 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:57,160 Speaker 1: I'll go right. Uh, Logically we know we shouldn't, but 223 00:12:57,559 --> 00:13:01,959 Speaker 1: our decisions, our actions are or are usually compelled by 224 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:05,920 Speaker 1: how we feel and how we feel um isn't something 225 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,600 Speaker 1: that we can control with our logical mind. A lot 226 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:13,840 Speaker 1: of stems from our subconscious of how we feel and 227 00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:18,400 Speaker 1: what we do is governed by our subconscious mind. So 228 00:13:18,679 --> 00:13:21,120 Speaker 1: once you become aware, I mean, because when you're talking 229 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:24,839 Speaker 1: about this ancious and avoid anxious anxious and avoidance, I 230 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:28,400 Speaker 1: mean you're definitely describing a lot of my relationships. So 231 00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:30,600 Speaker 1: and I've, as I said, I've become aware of that 232 00:13:30,640 --> 00:13:33,600 Speaker 1: as I've gotten older. Um, but how do you change 233 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,840 Speaker 1: I mean the way that you're describing it as so subconscious? 234 00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,000 Speaker 1: Is it that you go to therapy you have this 235 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:43,479 Speaker 1: new awareness? But like, how do you actually change that dynamic? 236 00:13:44,000 --> 00:13:47,160 Speaker 1: Great question? And about the studies show that between twenty 237 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:52,600 Speaker 1: five of the population does change their attachments sell and 238 00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:57,000 Speaker 1: there's different ways. So, um, do you have a do 239 00:13:57,040 --> 00:13:59,880 Speaker 1: you identify more with than anxious or an avoidance? Probably 240 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:02,640 Speaker 1: identify more with anxious, but I did. I was going 241 00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:05,880 Speaker 1: to ask you this too because I read that, Um, 242 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,520 Speaker 1: you can kind of if you're one, you're probably the 243 00:14:08,559 --> 00:14:11,400 Speaker 1: other two sometimes, like you can kind of vacillate between 244 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:15,520 Speaker 1: the two. Is that true? So, so you have one 245 00:14:15,559 --> 00:14:19,080 Speaker 1: that's predominant. And again this is pretty much wired in 246 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,480 Speaker 1: you by their age run two years old. And the 247 00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:24,760 Speaker 1: way they've tested this and it's been repeated over and 248 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:28,080 Speaker 1: over again, this test it's called the strange um the 249 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:31,400 Speaker 1: Strange situation test where they actually test babies and see 250 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,200 Speaker 1: how they react when their mother leaves the room. Um. 251 00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:37,120 Speaker 1: And then they follow these babies intel adulthood and they 252 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:41,640 Speaker 1: attached pretty much stage exactly the same. And so what's turkey, though, 253 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:46,520 Speaker 1: is you can develop coping mechanism that look like it's 254 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:50,560 Speaker 1: the other type of attachment. For example, for me, I 255 00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:55,120 Speaker 1: am formally um had an anxious attachment style. I have 256 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:59,920 Speaker 1: what's called an urn secure ted X speaker and psychologist 257 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:04,160 Speaker 1: Jolie Hamilton's or landed in like the tenth relationship in 258 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:08,480 Speaker 1: a row where the same kind of dynamics happening. Then 259 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,600 Speaker 1: that's the time to take yourself to therapy. That's not 260 00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:14,440 Speaker 1: about the relationship. Get yourself to therapy and start from there. 261 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:18,560 Speaker 1: Because just taking a year off even and doing in 262 00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:21,600 Speaker 1: since therapy with enough time, like all the time that 263 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:25,240 Speaker 1: you right now relate to a person and spend like 264 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:28,440 Speaker 1: trying to make it work. If you worked on yourself 265 00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:32,360 Speaker 1: that way, how much different would your life? And I 266 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:35,320 Speaker 1: mean that was an invaluable time for me too, like 267 00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,320 Speaker 1: the time when I focused on, oh, I have to 268 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:41,880 Speaker 1: change my patterns. I grew up in a terribly dysfunctional household, 269 00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:46,000 Speaker 1: which meant I was terribly dysfunctional in my first marriage. 270 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,760 Speaker 1: It really didn't matter what he was doing. It mattered 271 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:55,280 Speaker 1: that I finally decided to try over try again with myself. Yeah, oh, 272 00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,520 Speaker 1: I love that with yourself. And I also think that 273 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,480 Speaker 1: it's it's not one or the or, you know, I 274 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,440 Speaker 1: think that it it's like you said, it depends on 275 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,280 Speaker 1: um maybe the time or the place you are in 276 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,960 Speaker 1: your life. I've done a lot of my own individual work, 277 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,160 Speaker 1: so much so that I used to be like, why 278 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:12,280 Speaker 1: am I not fixed yet? You know, like this is 279 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:15,640 Speaker 1: just like this is I'm done with that, right, Like 280 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:18,600 Speaker 1: I've done enough therapy, I've done enough intensives, I've done 281 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,680 Speaker 1: enough whatever. And again it would be bumping up against 282 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,280 Speaker 1: myself in these relationships and my therapist actually, you know, 283 00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:27,640 Speaker 1: I'd say like, why am I still in this place 284 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,640 Speaker 1: where I was? She's like, this is not the same place, 285 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:33,600 Speaker 1: deeper place, and this is the layer that you would 286 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,720 Speaker 1: not have been able to get to if you hadn't 287 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,440 Speaker 1: done all that work. But maybe there's still some wounding 288 00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:42,000 Speaker 1: that needs to be healed. Yeah. Yeah, I love the 289 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:45,880 Speaker 1: image of the spiral for that. If we always come 290 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,080 Speaker 1: back sticky spot, it's gonna be in the same spot 291 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,120 Speaker 1: in the spiral, but we come back to it at 292 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:52,760 Speaker 1: a deeper layer. We never stepped in the same river 293 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,520 Speaker 1: twice you know, harro Klet has said that like four 294 00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:58,720 Speaker 1: thousand years ago, and we really don't. We're not just 295 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:05,320 Speaker 1: recapitulate relationship code on how to survive a breakup. Laura Yates, 296 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:09,160 Speaker 1: what kind of things do you see just with most 297 00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,720 Speaker 1: people when when they're trying to get over a relationship. 298 00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:14,720 Speaker 1: What are the most common struggles that you see? Sure, yeah, 299 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,400 Speaker 1: I mean it can be it can be um different 300 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:23,080 Speaker 1: for each person, but mainly people really struggle with ruminating 301 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:27,440 Speaker 1: over the past, you know, and feeling like they can't 302 00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,560 Speaker 1: get over what they did wrong or what they're ex 303 00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:33,720 Speaker 1: did wrong, feeling like the whole thing was really unfair, 304 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:37,320 Speaker 1: and ultimately, you know, they feel like they really struggle 305 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,800 Speaker 1: to be able to let go. I think everything is 306 00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:41,760 Speaker 1: kind of snatched away from us, isn't it. When we 307 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:44,199 Speaker 1: had such high hopes for that relationship and we were 308 00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:46,480 Speaker 1: so in love with that person, and then all of 309 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,760 Speaker 1: a sudden it gets taken away from us. It makes 310 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,919 Speaker 1: us question everything, And you know, I think that the 311 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:55,520 Speaker 1: hardest thing about breakups are that it is like a loss, 312 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,760 Speaker 1: but we struggled to know how to grieve for it, 313 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:00,879 Speaker 1: because we can't grieve for the same way that we 314 00:18:00,920 --> 00:18:03,240 Speaker 1: would you know if someone had passed away, because our 315 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:05,679 Speaker 1: X is out there walking around in the world still, 316 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:07,959 Speaker 1: so we kind of feel like in this no man's 317 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,520 Speaker 1: land and it's really difficult to know where to turn. 318 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:13,960 Speaker 1: So I think people really struggle with finding that sense 319 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,040 Speaker 1: of closure. That's yeah, that tends to be a real 320 00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:19,840 Speaker 1: common struggle that I see. Right, even if you were 321 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,000 Speaker 1: the one who initiated the break up, you can kind 322 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:25,320 Speaker 1: of go through those feelings, right, definitely. Yeah, it's it's 323 00:18:25,359 --> 00:18:27,520 Speaker 1: it's really hard for the person who did initiate it, 324 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:29,960 Speaker 1: you know. I think that we we always think that 325 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,320 Speaker 1: the person who did the breaking up like it's so 326 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:35,960 Speaker 1: much easier for them, but oftentimes that really isn't the case. 327 00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,280 Speaker 1: And it's almost like then if you are that person, 328 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,560 Speaker 1: you don't have an excuse to feel sad about it 329 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,960 Speaker 1: and and to be able to agrieve for it, because 330 00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:46,159 Speaker 1: we're worried that people would think, well, you know, you 331 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:48,679 Speaker 1: made that decision, so now you have to you have 332 00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:49,919 Speaker 1: to live with that and you have to get on 333 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,840 Speaker 1: with your life, and you don't. You don't deserve to 334 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:54,000 Speaker 1: feel that way. Um, So that can be a real 335 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,360 Speaker 1: struggle as well. Do you think that it's just grieving 336 00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,119 Speaker 1: the idea of a relationship. That's one of them as 337 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:03,919 Speaker 1: difficult things I think. So, yeah, I think people put 338 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,760 Speaker 1: so much on what that relationship means in terms of 339 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:12,439 Speaker 1: their identity. I think people feel a lot of pressure to, 340 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,239 Speaker 1: you know, to have to have the perfect relationship, and 341 00:19:15,680 --> 00:19:18,480 Speaker 1: especially especially you know, people who are getting into their 342 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:20,840 Speaker 1: thirties as well. You know, we feel like that pressure 343 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,240 Speaker 1: to have to have it all, have to have the 344 00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:24,920 Speaker 1: marriage and start the family and all of those things. 345 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,440 Speaker 1: So when when someone walks away from that or when 346 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:30,480 Speaker 1: that relationship is taken away for some reason, we kind 347 00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,879 Speaker 1: of like question our whole place in the world, and 348 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:37,000 Speaker 1: sometimes it can really impact, you know, our hopes and dreams, 349 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,399 Speaker 1: and we can really struggle to be able to know 350 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,920 Speaker 1: how to move forward from that. Once again, Amy Chan, 351 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:46,200 Speaker 1: So once you become aware, I mean, because when you're 352 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:50,040 Speaker 1: talking about this ancient and avoid ancious, anxious and avoidance, 353 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:53,479 Speaker 1: I mean, you're definitely describing a lot of my relationships. 354 00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,080 Speaker 1: So as I said, I've become aware of that as 355 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:59,080 Speaker 1: I've gotten order. Um, but how do you change I 356 00:19:59,119 --> 00:20:02,120 Speaker 1: mean the way that you're describing it as so subconscious, 357 00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:04,280 Speaker 1: is it that you go to therapy. You have this 358 00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:08,800 Speaker 1: new awareness, but like, how do you actually change that dynamic? 359 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,439 Speaker 1: Great question, and about the studies show that between twenty 360 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:17,879 Speaker 1: percent of the population does change their attachments sell and 361 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:22,280 Speaker 1: there's different ways. So, um, do you have a do 362 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:25,200 Speaker 1: you identify more with an anxious or an avoidance? Probably 363 00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:27,959 Speaker 1: identified more with anxious, but I did. I was going 364 00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:31,160 Speaker 1: to ask you this too because I read that, Um, 365 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,840 Speaker 1: you can kind of if you're one, you're probably the 366 00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,680 Speaker 1: other two sometimes like you can kind of vacillate between 367 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:40,800 Speaker 1: the two. Is that true? So, so you have one 368 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:44,320 Speaker 1: that's predominant, and I guess this is pretty much wired 369 00:20:44,359 --> 00:20:46,479 Speaker 1: in you by their age run two years old. And 370 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:49,960 Speaker 1: the way they've tested this and it's been repeated over 371 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,360 Speaker 1: and over again, this test it's called the Strange UM 372 00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:56,439 Speaker 1: the Strange Situation test, where they actually test babies and 373 00:20:56,480 --> 00:20:59,480 Speaker 1: see how they react when their mother leaves the room. Um. 374 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,400 Speaker 1: And then they follow these ladies until adulthood and they 375 00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,560 Speaker 1: attachedmers that are pretty much stage exactly the same. And 376 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:10,120 Speaker 1: so what's turkey though, is you can develop coping mechanisms 377 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:13,280 Speaker 1: that look like it's the other type of attachment style. 378 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:18,640 Speaker 1: For example, for me, I am formally, UM had an 379 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:22,160 Speaker 1: anxious attachment style. I have what's called an earned secure 380 00:21:22,359 --> 00:21:25,840 Speaker 1: Through work, I've been able to become secure in my 381 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:29,520 Speaker 1: attachment style now. UM, But what used to happen in 382 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:33,040 Speaker 1: my early twenties. I would just call call calls, show 383 00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:38,760 Speaker 1: up unexpectedly. UM, that's how I handled the anxiety. And Uh. 384 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:42,840 Speaker 1: Once I realized that that looks crazy and just suffering, 385 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:45,160 Speaker 1: I was like, oh my god, I'm not gonna do that. 386 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:47,960 Speaker 1: So I was the other way around, and I would 387 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:51,199 Speaker 1: reject people before they had any chance to reject me. 388 00:21:51,359 --> 00:21:54,800 Speaker 1: I would think any inclination that they might be disinterested 389 00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:57,800 Speaker 1: and reject them. So on the other side, it looked 390 00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:00,960 Speaker 1: like I wasn't aborted, but I was an anxious masquerading 391 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,240 Speaker 1: as an avoidance. It still stems from a spear of 392 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,159 Speaker 1: being abandoned and rejected. And that's why it's important to 393 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:10,760 Speaker 1: look at what is a fundamental fear, UM, and the 394 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:16,800 Speaker 1: way that I'll share how UM I rewired my attachment style, 395 00:22:17,359 --> 00:22:20,680 Speaker 1: and there's there. There definitely is a way to do it, 396 00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:24,199 Speaker 1: and UM, it takes time, and it takes practice, and 397 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:28,800 Speaker 1: it takes discipline, and so the very first step is awareness. UM, 398 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,760 Speaker 1: and then started to look at what your tendencies are 399 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:35,200 Speaker 1: when you're triggered, and so I realized there's certain things 400 00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:38,640 Speaker 1: that would trigger me UM, which would be the two 401 00:22:38,680 --> 00:22:41,640 Speaker 1: main things is if the person I liked didn't initiate 402 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,920 Speaker 1: making clients with me, or if they were inconsistent in 403 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:49,240 Speaker 1: their communication. When this happened, the exact same thing would occur. 404 00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:52,000 Speaker 1: I would go into a spiral. I would make up 405 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:55,280 Speaker 1: these stories and then I would do something that would sabotage. 406 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:59,200 Speaker 1: And so once I started to actually map out what 407 00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:02,200 Speaker 1: I was doing, and then I start to look at, Okay, 408 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,679 Speaker 1: what are the actual facts? And so I realized that 409 00:23:05,720 --> 00:23:09,680 Speaker 1: how so many times I was just creating so many 410 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:13,399 Speaker 1: stories and assumptions and projecting. If someone didn't call me 411 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,280 Speaker 1: back right away, I would automatically be like, oh my god, 412 00:23:16,440 --> 00:23:18,160 Speaker 1: you don't like me. He's not into you. I look 413 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,840 Speaker 1: like a fool. I better do something and sabotage this 414 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:24,720 Speaker 1: when they were busy at work, they were traveling UM. 415 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:28,159 Speaker 1: And so I started to just look at my reactions 416 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,840 Speaker 1: and start changing how I would react. And this would 417 00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:34,240 Speaker 1: be really difficult in the beginning because my natural tendency 418 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:37,679 Speaker 1: was you feel the uncomfortable emotion and you act on 419 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,600 Speaker 1: it right away. You send that text, you make that call, 420 00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,440 Speaker 1: you do that thing. And so I think the very 421 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:47,760 Speaker 1: first thing after awareness is pause, the art of a pause, 422 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:53,200 Speaker 1: and UM learning that the emotion will move through your body. 423 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:56,879 Speaker 1: It takes ninety seconds for emotion to move through your body. 424 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,680 Speaker 1: Anything more than that are the stories that you're attaching 425 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:03,320 Speaker 1: to that emotion. That's why that could turn that one 426 00:24:03,359 --> 00:24:06,679 Speaker 1: little thing a panic or anxiety can turn into a 427 00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:11,239 Speaker 1: spiral that can last days, if not weeks. UM. And 428 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:14,879 Speaker 1: then of course therapy will help. There's actually therapists at 429 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:19,440 Speaker 1: our trained in attachment therapy therapy. UM. I did hypnosis 430 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:23,240 Speaker 1: which worked really really well for me. UM hypnosis works 431 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:26,199 Speaker 1: on about the population. So I think you need to 432 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:31,439 Speaker 1: find what works for you. And also UM, attachment is 433 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:34,840 Speaker 1: on a spectrum, and so you could be if you're 434 00:24:34,920 --> 00:24:39,040 Speaker 1: highly highly um you know, anxious on the spectrum. If 435 00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:42,280 Speaker 1: you date someone who's highly avoidant, it's going to keep 436 00:24:42,359 --> 00:24:46,000 Speaker 1: rewounding you and so understanding that yes, you might have 437 00:24:46,359 --> 00:24:49,760 Speaker 1: crazy chemistry with that person, but it's likely going to 438 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:53,320 Speaker 1: end up like the last many time, which is complete 439 00:24:53,359 --> 00:24:56,159 Speaker 1: pain and heartbreak. And that's not helping you feel and 440 00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:59,320 Speaker 1: so look for to partners who are more secure, because 441 00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:01,360 Speaker 1: when you're with the one was who is more secure 442 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:05,359 Speaker 1: in their catchment, you will start to rebuild your trust. 443 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:09,800 Speaker 1: You will start to rewire those associations that, oh, someone 444 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,399 Speaker 1: who doesn't call you back in an hour, that doesn't 445 00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:16,199 Speaker 1: mean that the connection is is abandoned or you're going 446 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:23,439 Speaker 1: to get rejected. Laura Yates on how to feel your feelings? Well, so, 447 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:26,240 Speaker 1: I think that brings up a good question. I think 448 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:28,920 Speaker 1: a lot of people, when you say feel your feelings 449 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:31,159 Speaker 1: or go through the process, would be like, well, do 450 00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:34,840 Speaker 1: what what do I do? Like? How do you do that? Well? 451 00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:39,040 Speaker 1: Do you have suggestions? I mean something that I really 452 00:25:39,080 --> 00:25:41,439 Speaker 1: like and I encourage people I work with to do 453 00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:43,600 Speaker 1: and many of them find it really helpful, is to 454 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:47,199 Speaker 1: actually just write out your feelings. When we're going through 455 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,960 Speaker 1: a break up, our heads are just like the thoughts 456 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,240 Speaker 1: are going around in our head and it can just 457 00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:54,560 Speaker 1: drive us crazy. And if we don't have a place 458 00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:58,840 Speaker 1: to put that, then we can't kind of resolve anything, 459 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,040 Speaker 1: We can't make sense of an if things. So the 460 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,960 Speaker 1: act of actually writing it down or journaling some people 461 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,359 Speaker 1: call it, but just putting pens of paper and writing 462 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:08,720 Speaker 1: down everything that's in your head. It can feel really 463 00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:12,199 Speaker 1: really cathartic, and it doesn't have to make sense. You know, 464 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:14,440 Speaker 1: you don't have to show it to anybody, but then 465 00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:16,880 Speaker 1: if you do read it back, you can actually kind 466 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:19,520 Speaker 1: of figure out, okay, well i'm treated by this, this 467 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:22,000 Speaker 1: is what's happening, and you can kind of make sense 468 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:23,800 Speaker 1: of everything a little bit more. It's a bit like 469 00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:27,120 Speaker 1: a free thought form of therapy. Um So I recommend 470 00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:30,359 Speaker 1: that people do that. And then things like, you know, 471 00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:33,280 Speaker 1: things that make you feel really grounded to going for 472 00:26:33,359 --> 00:26:35,600 Speaker 1: a walk in nature if you can, or just going 473 00:26:35,600 --> 00:26:37,960 Speaker 1: out for a walk, moving your body in some way, 474 00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:42,679 Speaker 1: moving your body gently ideally at this point, things like 475 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:46,680 Speaker 1: mindfulness and meditation. And I know that these all sound 476 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:50,280 Speaker 1: like really boring things to do. They don't sound very sexy. 477 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:53,080 Speaker 1: They're not like that instant quick fix that we all want. 478 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:56,399 Speaker 1: But if you start to just implement one of those things, 479 00:26:56,480 --> 00:26:58,680 Speaker 1: or even all of them, if you can a little 480 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:02,080 Speaker 1: bit each day, you will start to notice a shift 481 00:27:02,119 --> 00:27:05,439 Speaker 1: in how you're feeling emotionally, because it's just encouraging you 482 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:08,639 Speaker 1: to be more in tune with what you're feeling to 483 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:11,800 Speaker 1: be more observant of it and to be less reactive 484 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,840 Speaker 1: to it as well. You know, like if you can journal, 485 00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:19,040 Speaker 1: for example, at those that time where you might really 486 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,919 Speaker 1: want to text your ex and you might be like 487 00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,280 Speaker 1: really furious and really angry and really want to just 488 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:26,320 Speaker 1: shout at them and say something to them. Instead of 489 00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:28,359 Speaker 1: actually texting your act, if you just actually let it 490 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,679 Speaker 1: all out of your head and write it down, it 491 00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:32,760 Speaker 1: kind of has the same effect. It gets out of 492 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:36,200 Speaker 1: your system, but without like that horrible feeling and then 493 00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:38,400 Speaker 1: you've texted your ex and now you feel really regretful 494 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:44,560 Speaker 1: about it. Right, Also, I was all been there. Yeah, 495 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,960 Speaker 1: I also feel like a part I know for me personally, 496 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,119 Speaker 1: parts of breakups that are really hard as you do 497 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:52,800 Speaker 1: lose a sense of your identity a little bit because 498 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:55,840 Speaker 1: you've you've been this couple for so long, right, and 499 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:58,360 Speaker 1: now you're on your own. So it's almost like this 500 00:27:58,359 --> 00:28:02,200 Speaker 1: process of getting to know yourself again exactly yet get 501 00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:05,960 Speaker 1: into yourself, rediscovering your identity, rediscovering who you are, and 502 00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:08,399 Speaker 1: you know, when you are just through those real first 503 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:11,879 Speaker 1: initial raw stages. What I really love to get a 504 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:14,240 Speaker 1: request people to do or encourage them to do rather 505 00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:17,639 Speaker 1: is is to you know, start to re engage with 506 00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:20,080 Speaker 1: things that you used to love to do. Because we can, 507 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:22,320 Speaker 1: and you know we're all guilty of this to a 508 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:25,320 Speaker 1: certain extent. We we can lose ourselves in a relationship, 509 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:28,160 Speaker 1: we can lose what we're passionate about, and we can 510 00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:30,040 Speaker 1: stop doing those things that we always used to do 511 00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:32,080 Speaker 1: when we were single, because you know, we're in a 512 00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:35,280 Speaker 1: relationship and we spend more evenings together and that just 513 00:28:35,359 --> 00:28:37,840 Speaker 1: becomes more of a habit. Whereas if you can just 514 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:41,480 Speaker 1: reconnect to yourself and go back to those old passions 515 00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,800 Speaker 1: or find ways to discover new ones, you know, create 516 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:48,840 Speaker 1: new new memories for yourself, that's a big one. Actually, 517 00:28:48,880 --> 00:28:52,680 Speaker 1: If you can find ways to create new habits and 518 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:56,520 Speaker 1: new memories that you actually associate with this new chapter 519 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:59,440 Speaker 1: in your life and you as an individual rather than 520 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:02,640 Speaker 1: you and your X and your relationship, like that creates 521 00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:05,640 Speaker 1: new neural pathways in the brain, which then makes it 522 00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:08,640 Speaker 1: easier to move on because, yeah, you're creating those new 523 00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:11,440 Speaker 1: memories for yourself that you only associate with with you. 524 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:16,800 Speaker 1: So that's that's really important. Samantha Burns on the importance 525 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:20,440 Speaker 1: of figuring out who you are, You're never gonna have 526 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:22,640 Speaker 1: You're never going to be able to work through conflict 527 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:25,480 Speaker 1: because so many people dig their heels in and they're 528 00:29:25,520 --> 00:29:27,960 Speaker 1: pinding about their point and they just want to feel hurt, 529 00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:31,240 Speaker 1: and they the more their partner defends their side, the 530 00:29:31,280 --> 00:29:34,280 Speaker 1: more you just kind of um again, they kind of 531 00:29:34,280 --> 00:29:36,880 Speaker 1: dig your heels in, and nothing ever gets resolved. So 532 00:29:36,920 --> 00:29:40,480 Speaker 1: it's really about validating your partner's emotional experience. It's someone 533 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:42,840 Speaker 1: about whether you think they're right or wrong, or that 534 00:29:43,040 --> 00:29:46,240 Speaker 1: they're like rational or irrational. It's just the fact that 535 00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:49,400 Speaker 1: your partner is a certain way. So it's your job 536 00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:52,320 Speaker 1: into their shoes and when they're seeing where they're feeling 537 00:29:52,320 --> 00:29:55,400 Speaker 1: them wing being able to empathize with them. And so 538 00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:57,440 Speaker 1: you said you're an own path, so I would imagine 539 00:29:57,480 --> 00:29:59,720 Speaker 1: that's gonna be really important to you. It's like someone 540 00:29:59,720 --> 00:30:04,160 Speaker 1: can feel with you right it is you're right, and 541 00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:05,760 Speaker 1: that's I think you can go to. I can go 542 00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:08,240 Speaker 1: to extremes at least like I being an impact, I 543 00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:11,040 Speaker 1: have to put up super strong boundaries and relationships because 544 00:30:11,080 --> 00:30:12,760 Speaker 1: I can go to extreme with it where I feel 545 00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:14,800 Speaker 1: everything they're feeling. And like you said, you can kind 546 00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:18,640 Speaker 1: of revolve around that person. But it is all about 547 00:30:19,360 --> 00:30:23,320 Speaker 1: learning about yourself. And I think you're right about how 548 00:30:23,360 --> 00:30:25,760 Speaker 1: your partner wants susy love. So it's once you get 549 00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:29,240 Speaker 1: in the relationship the work still continues of vulnerability and 550 00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:32,240 Speaker 1: all of that stuff. Absolutely, And I think it's funny 551 00:30:32,240 --> 00:30:35,680 Speaker 1: because like when you're single and dating, it feels like that, yes, 552 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:39,480 Speaker 1: but the truth is, once you find your one partner 553 00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:42,280 Speaker 1: that you're going to be with me, it's just the 554 00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:46,280 Speaker 1: two of you for the rest rights just all logically 555 00:30:46,320 --> 00:30:48,720 Speaker 1: like but happily. Ever after, that's when like the real 556 00:30:48,800 --> 00:30:52,320 Speaker 1: effort begins, because I'm dating, you know, once you find 557 00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:55,440 Speaker 1: someone really was all exciting and the honeymoon stage and 558 00:30:55,480 --> 00:30:58,680 Speaker 1: all these you know, chemicals that make you feel so simple. 559 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:01,959 Speaker 1: I'm passionate, but don't look like, well what happens, you know, 560 00:31:02,160 --> 00:31:05,239 Speaker 1: two kids later, or when we lose our job or 561 00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:07,560 Speaker 1: we have to move or you know, like all these 562 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:10,160 Speaker 1: life issues get thrown at you and like you have 563 00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:13,160 Speaker 1: this one person by your side, which leads me to say, 564 00:31:13,160 --> 00:31:15,720 Speaker 1: another mistake I see couple's make is like they don't 565 00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:18,960 Speaker 1: have each other's back, they don't have a teammate mentality, 566 00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:22,040 Speaker 1: they have like the me tester instead of the sister, 567 00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:26,600 Speaker 1: and they're not really you know, taking into account their 568 00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:31,200 Speaker 1: partners wishes or wants or desires. And that's one of 569 00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:34,200 Speaker 1: like the hardest parts about being in a committed relationship 570 00:31:34,360 --> 00:31:39,040 Speaker 1: is is balancing prioritizing yourself and your own kind of independence, 571 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:42,960 Speaker 1: creating a healthy interdependent and being able to put your 572 00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:46,160 Speaker 1: your partner's needs first. Sometimes, like son, when you don't 573 00:31:46,160 --> 00:31:50,160 Speaker 1: feel like doing something, you know you're constantly questioning, like 574 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:52,320 Speaker 1: what is it that they want? How can I make 575 00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:55,240 Speaker 1: their life? How can I make them happy? And when 576 00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:58,280 Speaker 1: we both hold that spook for our partners that they 577 00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:01,160 Speaker 1: are also can be norms so other than either again 578 00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:04,560 Speaker 1: in that but you can't only focus on yourself, right, 579 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:07,240 Speaker 1: What do you think the biggest thing people are really 580 00:32:07,280 --> 00:32:12,600 Speaker 1: looking for in relationships is? So I don't think they 581 00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:15,360 Speaker 1: necessarily mo because I think they keep it more you know, 582 00:32:15,440 --> 00:32:17,880 Speaker 1: superficial or like everyone must say, I just want someone 583 00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:20,480 Speaker 1: who makes me off, I just want really hot sex, 584 00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:22,760 Speaker 1: or I just want someone who will go on dates 585 00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:25,040 Speaker 1: with B. But I think what we really need, which 586 00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:27,680 Speaker 1: sounds like you like, is like we need safety, We 587 00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:32,880 Speaker 1: need that reliability, dependability, consistency, knowing our partner has our back. 588 00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:36,960 Speaker 1: We need that open communication, someone to speek our love language, 589 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:40,200 Speaker 1: basically like an emotional home. So I always see your 590 00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:43,480 Speaker 1: partner is your emotional home who just makes you feel 591 00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:46,800 Speaker 1: like you heard, understood, gives you a sense of the 592 00:32:46,920 --> 00:32:50,640 Speaker 1: long moon in the most crazy world. I love this 593 00:32:50,680 --> 00:32:54,880 Speaker 1: conversation and honestly like hearing you talk. You're stating all 594 00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:56,880 Speaker 1: of the things I've been looking for, and it truly 595 00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:59,160 Speaker 1: is really hard to find out there. I think that 596 00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:01,920 Speaker 1: it's a great versation to start though, for people to 597 00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:07,080 Speaker 1: really put the foundation back in relationships and the vulnerability 598 00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:09,360 Speaker 1: and getting to know yourself just as much as you 599 00:33:09,480 --> 00:33:12,520 Speaker 1: want to get to know your partner. Absolutely. And then 600 00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:18,080 Speaker 1: I guess one question, how's the manifesto was going? Has 601 00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:25,239 Speaker 1: anyone entered into your your life yours? Maybe? Um, you know, 602 00:33:25,400 --> 00:33:30,200 Speaker 1: actually yes. And what's been happening for me is the 603 00:33:30,320 --> 00:33:32,760 Speaker 1: order I've gotten and the more dating experiences that I 604 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:36,719 Speaker 1: have had. I've been writing down what's not working for 605 00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:39,640 Speaker 1: me and then what's working. And I'm manifested years ago, 606 00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:43,160 Speaker 1: and I do think that it was a little more surface, 607 00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:47,200 Speaker 1: you know, there wasn't as much true depth to the 608 00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:50,000 Speaker 1: qualities that I was looking for in a person, and 609 00:33:50,880 --> 00:33:53,360 Speaker 1: that's really changed for me over the years. So I 610 00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:55,920 Speaker 1: haven't specifically set out and said, Okay, I'm writing down 611 00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:59,440 Speaker 1: this man that I want to find, but I've been 612 00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:03,360 Speaker 1: very intentional about the kind of life that I want 613 00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:07,320 Speaker 1: to live and the partner that i'm looking for. Um 614 00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:12,839 Speaker 1: And yeah, so I thinking, I think what people go wrong? Right, 615 00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:16,960 Speaker 1: man if I think can seem very passive, but not 616 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:19,400 Speaker 1: because it's not like this, I'm gonna make this wishless 617 00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:22,400 Speaker 1: and send it up to keep my feet up and 618 00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:25,719 Speaker 1: see what comes my way. It's like you're writing it 619 00:34:25,719 --> 00:34:30,680 Speaker 1: all down. Jolie Hamilton's on how to establish ground rules 620 00:34:30,719 --> 00:34:34,920 Speaker 1: and maintain trust within a relationship. Well, that's so that's 621 00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:38,440 Speaker 1: such a good point about establishing the rules because I know, 622 00:34:38,560 --> 00:34:43,000 Speaker 1: for me within a relationship, if we can't um, I 623 00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:45,000 Speaker 1: don't want to call them ground rules, but set the 624 00:34:45,040 --> 00:34:50,640 Speaker 1: boundaries around certain conversations or certain situations, I never can 625 00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:54,120 Speaker 1: get that calm in my nervous system that you're talking about. So, 626 00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:57,879 Speaker 1: no matter what's actually happening, my body is telling me no, no, no, 627 00:34:57,880 --> 00:34:59,960 Speaker 1: no no no no, you're not saying you're not say 628 00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:03,520 Speaker 1: because we've never set up you know what the guidelines 629 00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:06,880 Speaker 1: are and although they may change over time, and I 630 00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:09,560 Speaker 1: think that's something I'm learning to is boundaries, you know, 631 00:35:09,719 --> 00:35:11,960 Speaker 1: change and they're fluid and all of these things, But 632 00:35:12,120 --> 00:35:16,360 Speaker 1: like setting the ground, the foundational conversation of this is 633 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:18,719 Speaker 1: what I want, this is my goal, this is the 634 00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:22,240 Speaker 1: conscious part of our decision of this relationship is so 635 00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:27,040 Speaker 1: integral for me feeling safe. Yes, absolutely, And there's no 636 00:35:27,080 --> 00:35:29,799 Speaker 1: shame in saying the word ground rules, Like when you're 637 00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:33,440 Speaker 1: talking about setting up a relationship, what would be what 638 00:35:33,480 --> 00:35:36,600 Speaker 1: would be more normal than walking into a new job 639 00:35:36,600 --> 00:35:39,319 Speaker 1: and saying, okay, so what's expected of me? You want? 640 00:35:39,680 --> 00:35:42,560 Speaker 1: Who wants a job with no job description? That would 641 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:46,560 Speaker 1: be horrible. I've had those. They're terrible. I And as 642 00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:49,320 Speaker 1: a business owner, I always have to define the parameters 643 00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:52,240 Speaker 1: for everybody I'm working with, right And when there aren't 644 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:55,799 Speaker 1: clear parameters, there's no repercussion that I can actually put 645 00:35:55,840 --> 00:35:57,560 Speaker 1: in place, and there's no way for them to know 646 00:35:57,600 --> 00:36:00,919 Speaker 1: when they're succeeding either. So it's really an unfair place 647 00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:05,720 Speaker 1: to start a relationship from. And when people are practicing monogamy, 648 00:36:05,760 --> 00:36:07,799 Speaker 1: often they just rely on the idea that there's this 649 00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:11,480 Speaker 1: cultural norm that. Like, I've had a lot of conversations 650 00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:13,880 Speaker 1: that start off with me saying, so, what's your monogamy agreement? 651 00:36:14,320 --> 00:36:16,719 Speaker 1: And the person says to me, well, you know, he 652 00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:19,319 Speaker 1: knows the rules. And I'm like, well, but what are 653 00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:21,320 Speaker 1: the rules? Tell me just tell me more about the rules, 654 00:36:21,480 --> 00:36:23,160 Speaker 1: and they'll tell me a little bit about the rules, 655 00:36:23,640 --> 00:36:25,319 Speaker 1: And I say, so when did you talk about these? 656 00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:29,919 Speaker 1: So like, I mean he knows, Like, okay, so let's 657 00:36:29,960 --> 00:36:32,879 Speaker 1: go back to ground zero and talk our way through this, 658 00:36:33,120 --> 00:36:36,920 Speaker 1: because explicit communication isn't just about making rules that make 659 00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:40,160 Speaker 1: you feel safe. It's actually about being vulnerable and asking 660 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:42,399 Speaker 1: for what you want, which is how you can get 661 00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:47,600 Speaker 1: what you want. Canna ever feel secure and safe if 662 00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:50,359 Speaker 1: you're just trusting that someone has read your mind and 663 00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:54,399 Speaker 1: will deliver it to you, right, And also, what are 664 00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:58,120 Speaker 1: you actually even trusting that? I guess you're saying, but 665 00:36:58,239 --> 00:37:01,480 Speaker 1: like to me, all that I've gotten older, had been 666 00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:05,239 Speaker 1: through bad relationships or you know, cheating relationships where the 667 00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:07,839 Speaker 1: trust was broken, I probably was just thinking, we know, 668 00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:10,640 Speaker 1: we do think the same, we have the same boundaries 669 00:37:10,680 --> 00:37:15,120 Speaker 1: within a relationship. Um, now I'm understanding how important those 670 00:37:15,120 --> 00:37:22,080 Speaker 1: conversations are just were establishing even just communication between the 671 00:37:22,120 --> 00:37:24,520 Speaker 1: two of you so that you know, okay, when he 672 00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:27,680 Speaker 1: leaves this house, we have said this thing. And if 673 00:37:27,719 --> 00:37:31,760 Speaker 1: that isn't how this goes, that is a boundary violation 674 00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:35,640 Speaker 1: to our relationship, right, because that's what cheating is. People 675 00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:37,920 Speaker 1: talk about cheating as if we have some definition of it. 676 00:37:37,960 --> 00:37:40,759 Speaker 1: We don't, not really we you know, like lots of 677 00:37:40,760 --> 00:37:44,760 Speaker 1: people think cheating is sex with another part another person, 678 00:37:44,920 --> 00:37:48,200 Speaker 1: or flirting with another person. Cheating is the breaking of 679 00:37:48,239 --> 00:37:54,600 Speaker 1: any relationship agreement. Right, So I'm I'm ethically nice, So 680 00:37:55,120 --> 00:37:58,960 Speaker 1: for me to lie about a relationship and keep it 681 00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:03,680 Speaker 1: a secret, that would be the violation, not the connection. Right. 682 00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:06,680 Speaker 1: So if we think about that, then how about if 683 00:38:06,719 --> 00:38:10,120 Speaker 1: we reframe what relationships are all together and just say 684 00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:13,640 Speaker 1: your relationship doesn't just depend on the agreements. Your relationship 685 00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:18,120 Speaker 1: is the agreements. Samantha Burns on the eight mistakes people 686 00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:22,160 Speaker 1: make in a relationship. Well, we can't listen to understand, validate, 687 00:38:22,160 --> 00:38:25,560 Speaker 1: and empathize our partner, um, you're never gonna have You're 688 00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:27,800 Speaker 1: never going to be able to work through conflict because 689 00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:30,520 Speaker 1: so many people dig their heels in and they're pinding 690 00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:32,640 Speaker 1: about their point and they just want to feel hurt, 691 00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:35,920 Speaker 1: and they the more their partner defends their side, the 692 00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:38,960 Speaker 1: more you just kind of um again, they kind of 693 00:38:38,960 --> 00:38:41,560 Speaker 1: dig your hues in and nothing ever gets resolved. So 694 00:38:41,600 --> 00:38:45,200 Speaker 1: it's really about validating your partner's emotional experience. It's something 695 00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:47,480 Speaker 1: about whether you think they're right or wrong, or that 696 00:38:47,719 --> 00:38:50,920 Speaker 1: they're like rational or irrational. It's just the fact that 697 00:38:50,960 --> 00:38:54,799 Speaker 1: your partners a certain way. So it's your job into 698 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:57,160 Speaker 1: their shoes and when they're seeing where they're feeling them 699 00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:00,600 Speaker 1: growing being able to empathize with them. And you said 700 00:39:00,600 --> 00:39:02,560 Speaker 1: you're an own plot, so I would imagine that's gonna 701 00:39:02,600 --> 00:39:04,960 Speaker 1: be really important to you. It's like someone can feel 702 00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:09,520 Speaker 1: with you right it is you're right, and that's I 703 00:39:09,520 --> 00:39:11,000 Speaker 1: think you can go to. I can go to extremes 704 00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:13,040 Speaker 1: at least like I being an impact, I have to 705 00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:15,920 Speaker 1: put up super strong boundaries and relationships because I can 706 00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:18,520 Speaker 1: go to extreme with it where I feel everything they're feeling, 707 00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:20,320 Speaker 1: and like you said, you can kind of revolve around 708 00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:25,840 Speaker 1: that person. But it is all about learning about yourself. 709 00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:28,719 Speaker 1: And I think you're right about how your partner wants 710 00:39:28,719 --> 00:39:31,160 Speaker 1: to recey love. So it's once you get in the relationship, 711 00:39:31,239 --> 00:39:35,799 Speaker 1: the work still continues of vulnerability and all of that stuff. Absolutely, 712 00:39:35,880 --> 00:39:38,200 Speaker 1: And I think it's funny because like when you're single 713 00:39:38,239 --> 00:39:42,360 Speaker 1: and dating it feels like that, yes, but the truth is, 714 00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:45,000 Speaker 1: once you find your one partner that you're gonna be with, 715 00:39:45,040 --> 00:39:49,880 Speaker 1: it's just the two of you for the right is 716 00:39:49,960 --> 00:39:53,000 Speaker 1: just allically like, but's happily ever after, that's when like 717 00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:56,600 Speaker 1: the real effort begins people when dating, you know, once 718 00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:59,359 Speaker 1: you find someone really well, was all exciting and how 719 00:39:59,360 --> 00:40:01,680 Speaker 1: don't even say you know all these you know, chemicals 720 00:40:01,719 --> 00:40:04,480 Speaker 1: that make you feel so like something I'm passionate, but 721 00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:07,919 Speaker 1: they look like, well, what happens you know, two kids later, 722 00:40:08,280 --> 00:40:10,360 Speaker 1: or when we lose our job or we have to 723 00:40:10,440 --> 00:40:13,359 Speaker 1: move or you know, like all these life issues get 724 00:40:13,360 --> 00:40:15,840 Speaker 1: thrown at you and like you have this one person 725 00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:18,560 Speaker 1: by your side, which leads me to say, another mistake 726 00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:20,799 Speaker 1: I see couples make is like they don't have each 727 00:40:20,800 --> 00:40:24,239 Speaker 1: other's staff, they don't have a teammate mentality. They have 728 00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:28,280 Speaker 1: like the me fester instead of the sister, and they're 729 00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:33,640 Speaker 1: not really you know, taking into account their partners wishes 730 00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:36,520 Speaker 1: or wants or desires. And that's one of like the 731 00:40:36,600 --> 00:40:40,319 Speaker 1: hardest parts about being in a committed relationship is is balancing, 732 00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:45,040 Speaker 1: ploritizing your saves and your own independence, creating a healthy 733 00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:49,920 Speaker 1: interdependent and being able to put your your partner's needs first. Sometimes, 734 00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:52,560 Speaker 1: like son, when you don't feel like doing something, you 735 00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:56,279 Speaker 1: know you're constantly questioning, like what is it that they want? 736 00:40:56,280 --> 00:40:58,520 Speaker 1: How can I make their life? How can I make 737 00:40:58,600 --> 00:41:01,440 Speaker 1: them happy? And when we both hold that space for 738 00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:05,680 Speaker 1: our partners that are also to other than themis are 739 00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:08,960 Speaker 1: getting that? But you can't only focus on yourself. For 740 00:41:09,080 --> 00:41:11,040 Speaker 1: more of these stories, you can listen to the full 741 00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:14,680 Speaker 1: podcast with each of these experts. Just search Velvet's Edge 742 00:41:14,719 --> 00:41:17,560 Speaker 1: wherever you listen to podcast, and if you haven't yet, 743 00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:20,480 Speaker 1: please go rate and review this podcast with the topics 744 00:41:20,520 --> 00:41:22,359 Speaker 1: that you guys want more of and that are helping 745 00:41:22,440 --> 00:41:25,440 Speaker 1: you the most. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to 746 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:28,520 Speaker 1: the Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson, where we believe 747 00:41:28,640 --> 00:41:31,719 Speaker 1: everyone has a little velvet and a little edge. Subscribe 748 00:41:31,719 --> 00:41:36,000 Speaker 1: for more conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. Search 749 00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:38,200 Speaker 1: Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts.