WEBVTT - The journey back from HELL 0:00:00.360 --> 0:00:04.439 What's up, guys. Welcome to The Granger Smith Podcast, Episode 0:00:04.760 --> 0:00:08.600 thirty five. Thank you for watching, Thank you for listening. 0:00:09.680 --> 0:00:12.440 I am grateful for this platform. I'm grateful to be 0:00:12.440 --> 0:00:13.760 able to sit in here in my office at the 0:00:13.840 --> 0:00:19.280 Ye Farm talk about my opinions, and I'm grateful that 0:00:19.320 --> 0:00:22.120 anyone actually likes to listen to it. This off started 0:00:22.560 --> 0:00:25.160 many episodes ago on my bus when we were on tour, 0:00:25.600 --> 0:00:28.240 in the back of my bus, talking about where I 0:00:28.280 --> 0:00:32.360 came from, how I got to hear, and it has 0:00:32.440 --> 0:00:35.400 turned into now a platform to be able to answer 0:00:35.479 --> 0:00:37.520 your questions, to be able to tell you what's going 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:41.120 on with me and my family and the music or 0:00:41.240 --> 0:00:45.479 Yee apparel, and most importantly and my favorite thing, to 0:00:45.520 --> 0:00:47.720 be able to sit down with some of my friends 0:00:48.040 --> 0:00:52.160 and talk about their life. Today's a good one. This 0:00:52.200 --> 0:00:57.320 guy is one of the most fascinating people that I've 0:00:57.360 --> 0:01:03.560 ever met and as a very unique perspective on life, 0:01:04.080 --> 0:01:08.319 and rightly so, because he is one of the most 0:01:08.520 --> 0:01:16.240 deadliest snipers in American military history. With that, with that 0:01:16.319 --> 0:01:21.760 kind of title, being an army ranger and going through 0:01:23.200 --> 0:01:29.080 hell and back, essentially with that there comes a certain 0:01:29.120 --> 0:01:33.440 amount you either gain some knowledge and learn how to 0:01:33.480 --> 0:01:37.080 cope and learn how to see life through a different lens, 0:01:38.680 --> 0:01:42.280 or you don't make it out, and you're part of 0:01:43.000 --> 0:01:48.600 the devastating statistic of those men and women that actually 0:01:48.680 --> 0:01:55.200 take their own life. That is how serious war is, 0:01:55.360 --> 0:01:59.920 and that's how devastating it is to young men and women. 0:02:01.280 --> 0:02:05.880 Nick Irving is also a New York Times bestseller and 0:02:06.200 --> 0:02:10.880 an incredible storyteller, an incredible speaker, and I'm very excited 0:02:11.240 --> 0:02:14.480 to have him on this podcast. And I think you're 0:02:14.480 --> 0:02:52.040 gonna like it, y'all, stay tuned. Did in my time 0:02:52.320 --> 0:02:58.760 and so long line of fo hup and down, going back, 0:03:00.680 --> 0:03:20.840 crazy coolation. Everybody has a story, everybody's got history. Everyone 0:03:21.040 --> 0:03:26.160 has a set of events in their life that come 0:03:26.200 --> 0:03:29.800 together to create who they are as a person. And 0:03:30.000 --> 0:03:33.880 there's been a few times in my life when I 0:03:33.919 --> 0:03:36.480 have forgotten that. I forget it all the time. But 0:03:37.840 --> 0:03:42.720 I met you in the Holler music video. It was like, hey, 0:03:42.880 --> 0:03:48.600 you know Nick Irving. Yeah, yeah, yeah, man, yeah, ranger sniper, 0:03:48.720 --> 0:03:52.280 Yeah cool, You're a cool guy. We had fun that day, 0:03:53.200 --> 0:03:59.360 good party. And then I go read The Reaper and 0:03:59.440 --> 0:04:05.080 I learned your history and your story. Appreciate it and I. 0:04:04.640 --> 0:04:07.000 I mean, I remember sitting I was on tour and 0:04:07.040 --> 0:04:10.960 I was reading that and I was like, oh my god, 0:04:11.080 --> 0:04:15.040 this this is the god, this is Nick like, this 0:04:15.120 --> 0:04:21.200 is his story and it just it just reminds me 0:04:21.240 --> 0:04:28.039 that everyone's carrying around whatever it might be, and you have, 0:04:28.200 --> 0:04:32.400 you have an incredible story. You are You've you've seen 0:04:32.480 --> 0:04:36.760 things that that most people will never see, thank God hopefully. Yeah. 0:04:36.800 --> 0:04:40.840 Definitely and uh and it's an honor to have you 0:04:41.000 --> 0:04:43.120 on the podcast today. I appreciate it, man. That was 0:04:43.120 --> 0:04:45.440 a that was a deep intro. I appreciate it. Man. 0:04:46.120 --> 0:04:49.720 I feel regular, regular man. And that's why that's why 0:04:49.720 --> 0:04:52.279 you're such a cool guy, because you come off regular. 0:04:53.880 --> 0:04:57.080 That's that's how I hope people think of me, dude. 0:04:58.440 --> 0:05:02.800 I honestly, when after that video and when it came out, well, 0:05:02.839 --> 0:05:06.320 one of my son loves it and she was, you know, talking, 0:05:06.360 --> 0:05:07.880 He's like, that's the guy you're with. It's a real 0:05:07.960 --> 0:05:10.640 music video and he does real music. And I was like, yeah, 0:05:10.880 --> 0:05:12.480 he's like I thought he was a regular guy. It's 0:05:12.520 --> 0:05:16.680 like me too, but yeah, it's I think it's it. 0:05:16.680 --> 0:05:18.640 It just goes to show like you never let things 0:05:18.680 --> 0:05:20.800 get too you know too much to your head. You 0:05:20.839 --> 0:05:24.240 know absolutely that such have you have to Yeah, I 0:05:25.480 --> 0:05:28.440 kind of read The Reaper twice because after I read it, 0:05:28.560 --> 0:05:31.440 then my bus driver Bull, who's in an army bat, 0:05:31.600 --> 0:05:33.880 I turned him onto it. So he started listening to 0:05:33.920 --> 0:05:36.440 the audiobook when you're driving. So in the mornings, I'd 0:05:36.480 --> 0:05:38.880 get up in the audiobook would be rolling wow, and 0:05:38.880 --> 0:05:40.480 then I would go sit up there with him during 0:05:40.480 --> 0:05:44.760 certain parts. And and so you've written for five books 0:05:45.120 --> 0:05:51.080 five now yep, Media Times bestseller, and working on like 0:05:51.120 --> 0:05:54.000 another autobiography but not for myself, and working on two 0:05:54.360 --> 0:05:58.719 autobiographies ghost writing. I love telling other people's stories man, 0:05:58.839 --> 0:06:02.360 And like the war part is cool, but I think 0:06:02.520 --> 0:06:05.839 the you know, the triumphs that people have to go 0:06:05.920 --> 0:06:09.040 over and the different you know, I'm writing one guy's 0:06:09.600 --> 0:06:13.760 autobiography and he's a It came from Mexico, he crossed 0:06:13.800 --> 0:06:17.680 the border it illegally, joined the army, suffered like eighty 0:06:17.720 --> 0:06:21.360 percent burns to his body on his first deployment, felt 0:06:21.360 --> 0:06:26.359 like killing him himself multiple times, wounded, missing legs and 0:06:26.360 --> 0:06:29.160 stuff like that. But stories like that, man, that fight, 0:06:29.240 --> 0:06:31.680 the drive to continue is what inspires me. You know, 0:06:32.080 --> 0:06:34.000 I look at those guys and you know, I had 0:06:34.040 --> 0:06:37.000 my time of wanting to give up man, more times 0:06:37.000 --> 0:06:39.120 than I can count. You know, I'm not sure how 0:06:39.120 --> 0:06:41.680 it is for you for music, but like, have you 0:06:41.720 --> 0:06:44.279 ever wanted to say, Man, I I can't anymore? You know, 0:06:44.760 --> 0:06:47.640 if you ever felt like that. It's the what makes 0:06:47.680 --> 0:06:50.320 people drive. Man, It's the story I like to tell. 0:06:50.400 --> 0:06:52.400 I even like to hear. You learn a lot from it. 0:06:52.839 --> 0:06:55.520 You know. There's a big difference between me and music business. 0:06:55.520 --> 0:06:57.560 And I have had that many times. I just thought, 0:06:58.920 --> 0:07:01.720 this is the end, this is road of music. I'm done. 0:07:02.320 --> 0:07:08.159 But it's different. You're kind of story. So that's actually 0:07:08.240 --> 0:07:13.920 happened to you. Uh on the day, the day for 0:07:14.040 --> 0:07:18.600 you and a day you'll never forget. Oh yeah, and 0:07:18.800 --> 0:07:22.000 that day you talk about in the book that you 0:07:22.200 --> 0:07:25.360 actually you had, you came, you came to a crossroads 0:07:25.400 --> 0:07:27.760 where there was actually a decision of do I take 0:07:27.800 --> 0:07:31.680 my own life not necessarily not in a selfish way 0:07:31.680 --> 0:07:33.920 at all, or not not in in a scared way, 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:38.840 but more in a conserve conserving the intelligence. Yeah, this 0:07:38.880 --> 0:07:40.840 is all we have left? Man. Yeah, that was a 0:07:41.320 --> 0:07:43.080 that was a scary day, and I you know, I 0:07:43.080 --> 0:07:46.600 found myself. I think about it every day, but it's 0:07:46.680 --> 0:07:50.800 like an unconscious effort, unconscious effort to do it, you know, 0:07:50.840 --> 0:07:52.520 it just kind of pops up out of nowhere. And 0:07:52.520 --> 0:07:54.600 I think about, you know, that day, Me and my 0:07:54.600 --> 0:07:57.320 wife were having a conversation about it, like a week ago. 0:07:58.120 --> 0:08:01.240 And I don't talk about the army stuff anymore, which 0:08:01.280 --> 0:08:03.920 is like weird. But I think about it, dream about it, 0:08:03.960 --> 0:08:05.800 you know, dream about every every once in a while, 0:08:06.080 --> 0:08:08.920 and it's just, uh, like that guy at that age. Man, 0:08:09.120 --> 0:08:12.560 it's I'm not sure how I you know, survived or 0:08:13.080 --> 0:08:15.600 you know, uh that that mindset you have to be 0:08:15.600 --> 0:08:17.680 in I've been, I don't know. It was. It was 0:08:17.680 --> 0:08:20.240 a weird place to be man, being overrun and and 0:08:20.440 --> 0:08:22.920 you know, surrounded, and you know, we called in for 0:08:23.000 --> 0:08:25.120 air support. They were like, you know, not dropping any 0:08:25.120 --> 0:08:28.880 air support. Uh, no reinforcements. And the last option was, 0:08:28.920 --> 0:08:31.040 you know, take a grenade, pull the pin and hug it. 0:08:31.440 --> 0:08:33.480 That was a day I'll never forget. But it's one 0:08:33.520 --> 0:08:35.920 of those days where I look back at that guy 0:08:36.000 --> 0:08:39.360 and I'm impressed by that guy. You know, it's almost 0:08:39.440 --> 0:08:43.120 like I it's a different person. It's it's such a 0:08:43.120 --> 0:08:47.520 different person that I admire that guy but I'm so. 0:08:47.880 --> 0:08:50.400 I don't know if it's older now or or what 0:08:50.480 --> 0:08:54.440 it is, man, But like that guy is, it's I 0:08:54.440 --> 0:08:55.839 wouldn't do it. I don't know if I would do 0:08:55.880 --> 0:08:58.160 it again. I'm smarter and I know things hurt now. 0:08:58.360 --> 0:09:00.640 You know, I'm scared to ride a bike because of 0:09:00.679 --> 0:09:03.120 the fear of not a bike. But let's say a skateboard. 0:09:03.160 --> 0:09:05.520 I won't try that right now because my bones don't 0:09:05.520 --> 0:09:07.480 recover the way they used to if I fall, you know, 0:09:08.040 --> 0:09:12.520 but it's probably the natural progression of getting older. And 0:09:12.559 --> 0:09:14.560 you're not as crazy as you were. You know, Yeah 0:09:14.600 --> 0:09:18.280 that was crazy, but still still your story of crazy, 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:20.679 your level of crazy is higher than anyone else. You 0:09:21.840 --> 0:09:24.640 dream about? It is that? What do you dream about? 0:09:24.679 --> 0:09:28.679 It starts off as a normal dream. For example, Oh, 0:09:28.720 --> 0:09:31.360 I was in this one dream last night. Oh that's 0:09:31.440 --> 0:09:34.640 another one I was. I met Prince in one dream. 0:09:34.960 --> 0:09:38.560 And I don't even think about Prince, you know, but 0:09:38.640 --> 0:09:41.400 I went to sleep and in this dream I was 0:09:41.400 --> 0:09:44.000 in this Uh it must have been a small dark 0:09:44.040 --> 0:09:46.560 club and all the smoke filled room and stuff like that, 0:09:46.720 --> 0:09:50.440 very small secluded club, and this guy walks in and 0:09:50.480 --> 0:09:53.840 everyone's like, oh my gosh, it's it's somebody and everyone's 0:09:53.880 --> 0:09:56.440 fighting to go see him, and I look and it's Prince. 0:09:56.640 --> 0:09:59.240 But he's short, like Prince is. But the closer I 0:09:59.280 --> 0:10:02.040 got to him, the taller he got, you know, And 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:04.000 he became like eight feet tall, and I was like, well, 0:10:04.040 --> 0:10:06.120 I know this is a dream because Prince is not 0:10:06.160 --> 0:10:10.120 that tall. And then it turned into like being in 0:10:10.160 --> 0:10:12.920 combat again. It's every dream is like that. Eighty percent 0:10:12.920 --> 0:10:15.680 of my dreams. It starts off normal and I wake 0:10:15.760 --> 0:10:17.680 up and I'm like, you know, I tell Jessin, like, hey, 0:10:17.679 --> 0:10:20.360 I just killed like forty people in this dream, and 0:10:20.400 --> 0:10:22.679 it started off this way, and I don't know why 0:10:22.720 --> 0:10:26.120 it comes out that way. In combat, I dreamed about 0:10:26.320 --> 0:10:29.920 high school and bullies and stuff like that when I 0:10:29.960 --> 0:10:32.680 was in combat. But when I got out of combat, 0:10:33.800 --> 0:10:37.240 I think I dreamt more about combat opposed to, you know, 0:10:37.280 --> 0:10:39.960 the life that I'm living now. It's more about just 0:10:40.040 --> 0:10:41.960 weird things I think that I try to suppress for 0:10:42.000 --> 0:10:48.160 so long. It's finally getting a chance to to, you know, 0:10:48.360 --> 0:10:51.600 to rise itself in a way that you know, I 0:10:51.640 --> 0:10:54.600 think it's healthy at this point in time. It doesn't 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:56.880 bother me. I don't lose sleep or anything. It's comical 0:10:56.920 --> 0:11:00.760 at this point. You know, I expect it, but it's 0:11:00.600 --> 0:11:04.960 it's a weird, weird transition from I guess the different 0:11:05.000 --> 0:11:08.640 state of mindsets and you know, watching those old videos 0:11:08.679 --> 0:11:11.079 growing up from the guys in Vietnam, and dude, I 0:11:11.200 --> 0:11:13.840 used to question, like, why are these guys crying? You know, 0:11:13.840 --> 0:11:16.560 they're eighty years old, are seventy years old, and this 0:11:16.640 --> 0:11:19.880 happened back when they were in their twenties. And I 0:11:19.920 --> 0:11:22.360 fall back on that saying like, bewhere what you wish for? 0:11:22.559 --> 0:11:25.280 You know? Right? And I definitely I see the connection 0:11:25.360 --> 0:11:27.559 that in my mind, I always see it as if 0:11:27.559 --> 0:11:30.440 it happened maybe two weeks ago. Everything that I've even 0:11:30.480 --> 0:11:32.840 that mission, it feels for me when I think about it, 0:11:32.880 --> 0:11:35.199 I can see it and it feels like it maybe 0:11:35.240 --> 0:11:38.120 two three weeks ago. But I know what happened in 0:11:38.120 --> 0:11:41.599 two thousand and nine, But the time doesn't. It just 0:11:41.640 --> 0:11:43.440 doesn't add up. And it still is fresh. I can 0:11:43.480 --> 0:11:46.360 still hear the bullet pops, I can still taste, you know, 0:11:46.400 --> 0:11:48.600 the blood that was in the stream. I still taste 0:11:48.679 --> 0:11:51.280 all that and smell the everything, the fear. You know, 0:11:51.920 --> 0:11:55.199 you guys got to read the Reaper to kind of 0:11:55.200 --> 0:11:59.120 fill in the blanks this You've talked about it on 0:11:59.280 --> 0:12:02.280 many other UH media sources, and so we don't have 0:12:02.320 --> 0:12:05.720 to go back to that day. But but but you should, 0:12:05.840 --> 0:12:08.600 you guys should read this book to fill in the blanks. 0:12:09.800 --> 0:12:14.520 So you're one of the the deadliest snipers in American history, right, 0:12:15.200 --> 0:12:21.679 And the takeaway from that is how you're so cool 0:12:21.880 --> 0:12:25.120 and normal normal? That's what? Yeah? Right, And maybe maybe 0:12:25.160 --> 0:12:27.800 you'll you hear me say that, and you think you 0:12:27.880 --> 0:12:31.480 have no idea, No, I honestly I think bro to 0:12:31.520 --> 0:12:33.880 be honest, man, I was so scared of letting that 0:12:34.000 --> 0:12:36.199 part of me go, right, you know. I used to 0:12:36.280 --> 0:12:38.120 drink a lot and I would call home and did 0:12:38.160 --> 0:12:40.640 I went through this really really depressed state. And depression 0:12:40.720 --> 0:12:44.120 runs in my family, like my mom she suffers really 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:47.680 really bad from it. And dude, I remember visiting you know, 0:12:47.720 --> 0:12:50.920 her in hospitals, you know, from being just really really 0:12:50.920 --> 0:12:52.760 depressed state. And there's a few times that you know, 0:12:52.800 --> 0:12:54.360 we thought we were not going to have a mom, 0:12:54.600 --> 0:12:58.240 you know, and it's a it's a long lineage in 0:12:58.240 --> 0:13:00.760 my family. But I found it. I was so scared 0:13:00.760 --> 0:13:05.000 of of giving that that guy away that the reaper away, 0:13:05.240 --> 0:13:08.960 are losing an edge of something. You know. I was 0:13:09.000 --> 0:13:11.760 so so scared of it that I held on to it, 0:13:11.840 --> 0:13:14.360 held on to it, and it became like unhealthy, and 0:13:14.679 --> 0:13:19.400 I became more depressed. I started getting depressed of losing 0:13:19.400 --> 0:13:21.920 that guy, becoming you know, in this really dark spot 0:13:21.960 --> 0:13:23.120 of I don't want to lose this guy, I or 0:13:23.120 --> 0:13:24.760 don't want to lose this guy. And I had a 0:13:24.760 --> 0:13:27.400 hard time finding out who I used to be. You know, 0:13:27.440 --> 0:13:29.400 I look at the old pictures of me growing up, 0:13:29.400 --> 0:13:31.640 and I had this childhood dream of wanting to be 0:13:31.640 --> 0:13:34.040 a sniper, and I look at those old pictures and 0:13:34.320 --> 0:13:37.040 it's just not the same. I don't, I don't. I did. 0:13:37.200 --> 0:13:39.840 For a long time, I did not remember that guy, 0:13:40.440 --> 0:13:43.040 you know, the smiles, the my parents will tell me, 0:13:43.160 --> 0:13:46.000 you know, I was this child and you know, happy stuff. 0:13:46.000 --> 0:13:48.920 But I just I don't know. I didn't want it, 0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:51.560 or I pushed it away for so long, and eventually 0:13:51.559 --> 0:13:57.920 it became unhealthy, and you know it kind of uh yeah, yeah, 0:13:58.000 --> 0:14:01.640 just got way too unhealthy for me. Man, And all 0:14:01.720 --> 0:14:05.320 hear vets that go and get motorcycles and yes, sir, go, 0:14:05.480 --> 0:14:07.800 crazy dude, I had when I had a Harley, and 0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:12.600 I was a uh, not a good person to look 0:14:12.679 --> 0:14:14.920 up to for bike riding at that time. I was 0:14:14.960 --> 0:14:16.839 doing a lot of dumb stuff. Man, it was for 0:14:16.960 --> 0:14:18.800 the rush, you know, I didn't want to give that 0:14:19.000 --> 0:14:23.800 you here, Oh yeah, and you know, finally getting reconnected 0:14:23.840 --> 0:14:26.320 back with that person taking a long look in the mirror. 0:14:26.680 --> 0:14:29.400 You know I'd never done that, you know, dude, I hadn't. 0:14:29.840 --> 0:14:31.200 I don't know if this is going to sound weird, 0:14:31.200 --> 0:14:33.200 but have you ever looked in the mirror, like at 0:14:33.240 --> 0:14:37.720 yourself for a while and notice how uncomfortable it is 0:14:37.760 --> 0:14:41.160 over time? If anyone has, if you should give it 0:14:41.200 --> 0:14:44.560 a shot to dedicate ten minutes and stare at yourself 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:46.840 in the mirror and find out how awkward it is. 0:14:46.920 --> 0:14:50.880 It awkward it can be. And I wondered why, you know, 0:14:51.680 --> 0:14:53.640 I kind of wanted to get weird on this podcast. 0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:56.000 You're already doing it for me. I'm sorry. I know 0:14:56.160 --> 0:14:58.160 you can go there. Oh yeah, and that's what I 0:14:58.440 --> 0:15:01.000 eventually want to talk about with you. But okay, so 0:15:01.000 --> 0:15:02.960 so you stared yourself in the mirrorge in ten minutes. 0:15:03.200 --> 0:15:06.440 It's a meditation, it is. That's why I started meditating, 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:10.280 And dude, I saw like all the like the no smiling. 0:15:11.160 --> 0:15:15.080 It just it made me feel different, you know, like, wow, 0:15:15.120 --> 0:15:17.680 this is what people see are this is what I think. 0:15:17.720 --> 0:15:20.280 You're a projection of what's on the inside. You know, 0:15:20.560 --> 0:15:23.720 So whatever is going on on the inside, people see it. 0:15:23.120 --> 0:15:26.920 It shows itself in its expressions. You age, and all 0:15:26.920 --> 0:15:29.360 these different things that are scientifically proven from being in 0:15:29.440 --> 0:15:33.080 a negative state, even frowning, you know, the muscles that 0:15:33.120 --> 0:15:36.800 it takes to do that opposed to smiling. So I 0:15:36.840 --> 0:15:39.520 started to change that person my changing the image on 0:15:39.560 --> 0:15:42.360 the outside, even if it was forcing it. In the military, 0:15:42.400 --> 0:15:44.720 we had this thing called AM and FM. Like you're 0:15:44.720 --> 0:15:48.000 a radio, you're a tuner, and AM is actual motivation 0:15:48.360 --> 0:15:50.080 and sometimes a lot of the times we have to 0:15:50.120 --> 0:15:53.040 turn to the FM station, which is false motivation, you know, 0:15:53.120 --> 0:15:57.880 So we would I would do that and fake this character. 0:15:58.040 --> 0:15:59.720 You know, I had built this character to be in 0:15:59.800 --> 0:16:02.520 the Army of the Reaper, and I wanted to build 0:16:02.720 --> 0:16:07.040 another character, which is a happier person. So I started 0:16:07.040 --> 0:16:09.600 to mold that person from the outside first and then 0:16:09.760 --> 0:16:11.840 find out, you know, why is that person the way 0:16:11.880 --> 0:16:17.160 it is? By no meditating it did it work? Work? Heck? Yeah, man, 0:16:17.320 --> 0:16:19.360 you fool your mind. I think you fool your mind 0:16:19.400 --> 0:16:22.320 by forcing it to do something even when it doesn't 0:16:22.320 --> 0:16:24.880 want to. So even in a bad situation, you begin 0:16:24.920 --> 0:16:27.840 to force yourself to find the positive and everything you know, 0:16:28.200 --> 0:16:31.200 So it's that false motivation of building that synapsis in 0:16:31.240 --> 0:16:36.520 your brain to always find something. Okay, damn man, you've 0:16:36.560 --> 0:16:40.720 have a you. I would say the word you have 0:16:40.760 --> 0:16:43.520 a gift. You wouldn't probably look at it as a gift, 0:16:43.560 --> 0:16:46.360 but you know, taken taken back to that moment on 0:16:46.480 --> 0:16:50.240 the day when you thought, all right, I'm probably gonna 0:16:50.240 --> 0:16:53.640 have to take my own life to save what's left 0:16:53.640 --> 0:16:58.040 of this mission. You've already lost buddies. Oh yeah, good men, 0:16:58.840 --> 0:17:01.800 you've seen everything go to hell. Yeah, that you hoped 0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:03.960 you would never see you thought you probably thought you 0:17:04.040 --> 0:17:07.000 might one day. Yeah, she hoped that you wouldn't. So 0:17:07.160 --> 0:17:09.520 you reached this point where you're like, all right, I 0:17:09.600 --> 0:17:12.000 think i'm gonna I'm gonna have to taking my own 0:17:12.000 --> 0:17:17.120 life is probably a good option. So then how long 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:20.879 is that period between that thought and I think I'm 0:17:20.920 --> 0:17:24.040 gonna be all right? Oh, when the mission was over, 0:17:24.080 --> 0:17:26.920 when I got back home, When I got home, Well, 0:17:27.000 --> 0:17:29.760 I take that back I went to well. After that mission, 0:17:31.200 --> 0:17:34.000 I debated on standing up at one point during the 0:17:34.000 --> 0:17:36.840 ambush and like get shot or wound myself to get 0:17:36.840 --> 0:17:39.800 home early or something. But after that mission is when 0:17:39.800 --> 0:17:41.280 I went to the back of where we lived at 0:17:41.320 --> 0:17:43.880 and I grabbed a satellite phone that one of these 0:17:44.000 --> 0:17:47.080 FBI guys had, and I called my dad and I 0:17:47.160 --> 0:17:50.720 just cried for like, you know, a few minutes. I 0:17:50.760 --> 0:17:54.080 waited for an F sixteen jet to rev up its 0:17:54.320 --> 0:17:57.000 after burnner to take off, and I use that as 0:17:57.000 --> 0:17:59.879 a mask to cry. I didn't want anybody to hear me, 0:18:00.000 --> 0:18:02.480 and I cried for for a little while and he 0:18:02.520 --> 0:18:05.200 didn't say anything. He just I guess he already knew 0:18:05.200 --> 0:18:08.840 that obviously something wasn't right, But yeah, he just let 0:18:08.880 --> 0:18:11.200 me cry. And then I cried again. When I got home, 0:18:11.240 --> 0:18:12.840 I told my wife I was going to the gas 0:18:12.840 --> 0:18:15.760 station and I had these tinted windows on this Mercury 0:18:15.800 --> 0:18:18.720 Grandmarquies Yah. Trip to the car and set in the 0:18:18.720 --> 0:18:22.320 parking lot of the apartment complex and cried for a while, 0:18:22.880 --> 0:18:25.159 like another ten to fifteen minutes. You talk about hiding it, 0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:27.960 but in the reality is no one would blame you 0:18:28.040 --> 0:18:30.159 for meal. Yeah, dude, I was in It was one 0:18:30.200 --> 0:18:31.960 of those things. It was a sign of weakness for me, 0:18:32.080 --> 0:18:34.879 like I didn't want anyone to see me cry or 0:18:34.960 --> 0:18:38.000 or show emotion. It was I think that was the 0:18:38.080 --> 0:18:40.840 hardest toll, or one of the biggest tolls that you know, 0:18:41.200 --> 0:18:43.400 took it. You know, played a big part of who 0:18:43.440 --> 0:18:45.760 I became after that was holding a lot of stuff 0:18:45.800 --> 0:18:50.359 on the inside, you know, and being scared to say 0:18:50.400 --> 0:18:52.840 what was going on, and not being you know, not 0:18:52.880 --> 0:18:56.520 wanting to be seen. My childhood was not weird, but 0:18:56.600 --> 0:18:59.440 it was that very tough childhood. You know. Anytime I 0:18:59.480 --> 0:19:01.200 ever got hurt, it was my dad would tell me 0:19:01.280 --> 0:19:03.879 take the pain and throw it away. There was no crying, 0:19:04.000 --> 0:19:06.320 not allowed to get hurt. So I just grew up 0:19:06.320 --> 0:19:09.280 that being a man was you know, just never cried, 0:19:09.359 --> 0:19:12.240 never show emotion. Yeah I get that. Oh yeah. So 0:19:12.359 --> 0:19:13.840 there's a time in a place for it though. It 0:19:13.840 --> 0:19:16.280 went absolutely oh yeah. So it went all the way 0:19:16.320 --> 0:19:18.600 to the end of the mission. From the thought of 0:19:18.880 --> 0:19:21.480 maybe I should take my own life to save what's 0:19:21.560 --> 0:19:24.280 left of this, that went all the way to the 0:19:24.400 --> 0:19:26.560 end of the mission. Oh yeah, hours later. So the 0:19:26.600 --> 0:19:31.159 first time you actually slept in a safe bed. That 0:19:31.320 --> 0:19:35.040 was it. Yep, So laying in that bed, was there 0:19:35.119 --> 0:19:40.920 any feeling of gratefulness or was it all clouded by cloudy? Dude, 0:19:40.960 --> 0:19:42.919 I'm glad you brought that up. It was such a 0:19:42.920 --> 0:19:47.360 cloudy experience, Like after getting back. It was it was quiet, 0:19:47.480 --> 0:19:50.600 you know. I remember the first time I closed my eyes. 0:19:50.640 --> 0:19:53.359 We were we had some detainees, some prisoners, and a 0:19:53.400 --> 0:19:55.159 prisoner was sitting next to me, and I closed my 0:19:55.160 --> 0:19:57.720 eyes and I heard this loud crack go past my ear, 0:19:58.040 --> 0:19:59.880 like a bullet. And I woke up and I looked 0:19:59.880 --> 0:20:02.600 at round and no one flinched, no one moved, and 0:20:02.640 --> 0:20:05.040 that sound was inside my head. And I was just 0:20:05.080 --> 0:20:07.399 so used to hearing snap snap. And when it was 0:20:07.480 --> 0:20:10.199 quiet time, it was just I took a shower. I 0:20:10.280 --> 0:20:12.440 was forced to take a shower. I didn't know how 0:20:12.520 --> 0:20:15.359 bad I smelt after five days and you know, but 0:20:15.560 --> 0:20:17.840 forced to take a shower and lay down in bed, 0:20:17.880 --> 0:20:20.560 and it was just a it was quiet, man, it 0:20:20.600 --> 0:20:25.040 was quiet. I think I watched Taken two after that, 0:20:25.280 --> 0:20:28.840 or no, I watched Hancock. Yeah, Will Smith, yeah, a 0:20:28.880 --> 0:20:31.399 little bit, a little bit. Yeah. It's like a chicken 0:20:31.440 --> 0:20:34.560 noodle soup for the exactly. Yep. I'll do that with 0:20:34.640 --> 0:20:36.600 the Office. If I'm going through a rough time. I 0:20:36.720 --> 0:20:39.879 watched The Office and it's you know, soul food for 0:20:40.359 --> 0:20:42.800 the brain after scary movies. Man, you have to watch 0:20:42.960 --> 0:20:44.920 turn on all the lights after a scary movie. That's 0:20:44.920 --> 0:20:47.480 what I do, and watch like Home Alone or something, 0:20:47.920 --> 0:20:52.960 you know. Yep. So now now it's been eleven years, right, 0:20:53.359 --> 0:20:56.840 something like that, ten years, is there now a feeling 0:20:57.800 --> 0:21:00.639 of I'm glad I made it. Yeah, you got a 0:21:00.640 --> 0:21:02.560 little boy out here, he's right out here in the lobby, 0:21:02.760 --> 0:21:06.640 beautiful wife, beautiful little boy years old. Is there now 0:21:06.680 --> 0:21:12.399 a feeling of maybe maybe there is a sliver of 0:21:12.560 --> 0:21:16.520 goodness that I was supposed to make it out of there? Yeah? Man, 0:21:16.840 --> 0:21:18.560 I think that was the big wake up call, like 0:21:19.840 --> 0:21:22.560 not even creating life, you know, shout out to women. Man, 0:21:23.600 --> 0:21:30.040 that's crazy, you know. But I'm like, I think having 0:21:30.080 --> 0:21:33.520 a family and and and just there is goodness, you know, 0:21:33.880 --> 0:21:36.920 and you see it in every child, any baby, any 0:21:37.000 --> 0:21:40.240 any kid. Man, They're all perfect. You know, there's nothing 0:21:40.280 --> 0:21:42.640 wrong about them. And like we were all that way 0:21:42.680 --> 0:21:45.000 at some point in time. You know. It's just the 0:21:45.040 --> 0:21:49.560 things that happen in life make the world seem to 0:21:49.600 --> 0:21:53.360 be grim and dark, and people are you know, crazy 0:21:53.359 --> 0:21:56.920 at times, but we all come from that same seed. 0:21:57.000 --> 0:21:59.680 And I think that getting a chance to experience that 0:21:59.760 --> 0:22:01.840 and see it with my own eyes and be a 0:22:01.840 --> 0:22:06.800 part of that creation of something that is pure great goodness, 0:22:06.119 --> 0:22:08.879 it's it put a big twist on things, man. It 0:22:09.640 --> 0:22:12.240 took away the bad stuff that I saw and gave 0:22:12.280 --> 0:22:14.040 a little bit of a spark. Like you know, that's 0:22:14.040 --> 0:22:19.240 all that matters now of is that thing, whatever it is, 0:22:19.280 --> 0:22:20.800 to keep it good. I want to keep it good. 0:22:21.160 --> 0:22:23.480 You know. If he can be a good person throughout 0:22:23.480 --> 0:22:26.000 this whole duration or this journey of life, man, then 0:22:26.400 --> 0:22:29.600 you know he'll be a blessing to somebody and it's 0:22:29.640 --> 0:22:31.640 a good thing, you know. I see it that way. Man. 0:22:31.840 --> 0:22:34.399 I've said on this podcast before that so much of 0:22:34.440 --> 0:22:38.720 life is suffering. Like humans are here and we suffer. 0:22:38.840 --> 0:22:41.640 That's what we do best. The only way you can't 0:22:41.680 --> 0:22:44.399 get rid of the suffering. You can't. There's nothing you 0:22:44.400 --> 0:22:48.360 could do. It's coming, yep. But you could offset it 0:22:48.440 --> 0:22:52.520 with meaning. And that's exactly what you're doing. You're offsetting 0:22:52.800 --> 0:22:55.920 the suffering that you've had and that you will continue 0:22:55.960 --> 0:23:02.800 to have. Through meaning, and through meaning means responsibility, your wife, 0:23:03.000 --> 0:23:05.520 your little boy, raising him up the best that you 0:23:05.560 --> 0:23:10.440 know how you have to. And that offsets it doesn't erase, 0:23:10.480 --> 0:23:14.800 It doesn't erase the suffering, but it it ameliates it 0:23:15.000 --> 0:23:19.919 enough to tolerate it. Yep, yep, yep that I we mean, 0:23:20.000 --> 0:23:23.280 you haven't spoken in person. It's been three hundred and 0:23:23.320 --> 0:23:27.280 sixty six days. Did you know that? No, three hundred 0:23:27.280 --> 0:23:30.960 and sixty six days. I know that because wow, because 0:23:30.960 --> 0:23:34.119 it was June fourth. We got together and there was 0:23:34.160 --> 0:23:38.040 a leap yer this year. I didn't account for that. Yeah, 0:23:38.119 --> 0:23:41.880 but we got together on a podcast with the Code 0:23:41.880 --> 0:23:45.520 of Minor and that was on June fourth, and it 0:23:45.600 --> 0:23:49.080 was here at the Yue Farm, and we talked about, 0:23:49.119 --> 0:23:53.360 ironically in that podcast, is there a day in your 0:23:53.400 --> 0:23:55.560 life that defined you? We kind of went around the 0:23:55.560 --> 0:24:00.919 circle and then that night became mine. I'm and you 0:24:00.960 --> 0:24:05.119 know what, like, I don't I'm not a big I 0:24:05.160 --> 0:24:07.960 don't cry a lot, you know, But that day and 0:24:08.000 --> 0:24:10.520 when I found out, dude, it's I did, and I 0:24:10.560 --> 0:24:12.280 texted you and stuff like that, it was it was 0:24:12.320 --> 0:24:17.080 hard to I couldn't imagine. Yeah, damn, dude, it's really 0:24:17.119 --> 0:24:19.320 weird that that's the last time we talked, and we 0:24:19.359 --> 0:24:22.000 talked about what day to find you. I didn't know 0:24:22.320 --> 0:24:24.840 that just a few hours I would be in my 0:24:25.000 --> 0:24:31.480 hell with with losing my little boy and who's now 0:24:31.600 --> 0:24:36.080 the same age as yours. And and I think, I 0:24:36.119 --> 0:24:39.000 do believe that everything happens for a reason. Uh. As 0:24:39.080 --> 0:24:42.399 far as us being together that day, it was it 0:24:42.480 --> 0:24:47.080 was a special thing. And and I respect you as 0:24:47.080 --> 0:24:50.479 a person, and and I respect the way that you 0:24:50.640 --> 0:24:54.520 have offset your suffering through meaning and that that you 0:24:54.520 --> 0:24:58.600 could even sit here and uh and be positive at all. 0:24:58.920 --> 0:25:03.280 Oh yeah, dude, you're the inspiration man, like you know, Yeah, 0:25:03.440 --> 0:25:05.080 I have d I have a boy, you know, So 0:25:05.200 --> 0:25:09.119 it's a yeah, dude, I can yeah tell me. I 0:25:09.160 --> 0:25:13.720 know that I know that you have some things that 0:25:13.800 --> 0:25:19.800 you do to clear your mind. Yep, yep, you have to. 0:25:20.280 --> 0:25:25.119 Oh yeah, it's the nation's deadly. As a sniper, you 0:25:25.160 --> 0:25:28.240 don't just live a normal life and go through nine 0:25:28.320 --> 0:25:31.800 to five. You have to have a ritual component to 0:25:31.840 --> 0:25:33.879 your life where you go, Man, I have to do 0:25:33.920 --> 0:25:37.840 this to recharge my brain. Yeah. I do a lot 0:25:37.840 --> 0:25:41.360 of meditation, man, And that's one thing I picked up. 0:25:41.720 --> 0:25:44.560 I want to say, three years ago, with the birth 0:25:44.600 --> 0:25:47.560 of my son, I picked up meditation and like really 0:25:47.600 --> 0:25:51.200 got I grew up wanting to know meditation. This guy 0:25:51.280 --> 0:25:54.280 named Michael White from middle school when dragon ball z 0:25:54.480 --> 0:25:58.520 was a thing and chi energy and all these chakra stuff, 0:25:58.560 --> 0:26:00.880 so he introduced me to it. And as a kid, 0:26:00.880 --> 0:26:03.280 I've always wanted to learn how to meditate or or 0:26:03.320 --> 0:26:06.000 how to meditate and tried it as a kid and 0:26:06.040 --> 0:26:07.960 I didn't get the concept of it. I just thought 0:26:08.000 --> 0:26:11.120 you closed your eyes and it was boring. So yeah, 0:26:11.160 --> 0:26:13.960 I got really serious about it three years ago, and 0:26:14.800 --> 0:26:19.080 I changed my life, man, big time. Of It's the 0:26:19.080 --> 0:26:21.359 only time I get a chance to be quiet and 0:26:21.760 --> 0:26:25.399 question myself, get a chance to see myself from not 0:26:25.480 --> 0:26:28.000 only the inside, but how other people view me or 0:26:28.000 --> 0:26:30.439 what other people see what you know, it's it's a 0:26:31.080 --> 0:26:33.000 it's a it's been a really good game changer. Man. 0:26:33.040 --> 0:26:36.440 I've becomes it's weird, but I've become like way more 0:26:36.440 --> 0:26:40.240 connected with like the earth, man, you know, way more 0:26:40.240 --> 0:26:44.080 connected with the earth and seeing like the uh beauty 0:26:44.119 --> 0:26:46.080 and a lot of you know, a lot of things 0:26:46.119 --> 0:26:51.600 and nature and the similarities between nature and mankind and 0:26:52.280 --> 0:26:55.080 even with but this whole pandemic thing or whatever you 0:26:55.080 --> 0:26:58.520 want to call it. It's when everybody went inside mother 0:26:58.640 --> 0:27:02.720 nature became happy, It got really happy, and it made 0:27:02.800 --> 0:27:06.240 me think that, you know, we don't even our time 0:27:06.280 --> 0:27:08.520 here is so short, and it's all going to end 0:27:08.560 --> 0:27:11.520 one day and when it, when it does, the earth 0:27:11.560 --> 0:27:13.320 and everything else is going to continue to move on 0:27:13.560 --> 0:27:16.600 just as happy, just as happy. So it's like we're 0:27:16.640 --> 0:27:20.000 already on this short linears you know, scale of time, 0:27:20.720 --> 0:27:24.639 and to think that, you know, we're so important that 0:27:24.720 --> 0:27:27.960 our negativity could you know, influence or we want to 0:27:28.000 --> 0:27:30.480 perpetuate this negativity is so much that it's going to 0:27:30.480 --> 0:27:34.080 have an impact on the earth, man are, on mankind. 0:27:34.240 --> 0:27:37.840 It's it's kind of not even just selfish. It's just 0:27:37.880 --> 0:27:41.639 a dumb move to thing. It's just a dumb metality itself. Absolutely, 0:27:42.480 --> 0:27:44.000 I want to I'm gonna take a quick break and 0:27:44.040 --> 0:27:45.480 then and then I want to I want to actually 0:27:45.520 --> 0:27:49.399 talk specific on what how you meditate because maybe someone's 0:27:49.440 --> 0:27:52.159 out there thinking, yeah, how does this do do it? 0:27:52.359 --> 0:28:01.120 I want to try it. Yeah, we'll be back taking 0:28:01.160 --> 0:28:03.280 a quick break. I hope you like the podcast. I 0:28:03.320 --> 0:28:07.000 hope you're enjoying Nick Irving telling his stories, his perspective 0:28:07.000 --> 0:28:08.800 on life, and I want to tell you guys what 0:28:08.920 --> 0:28:12.720 we break that This Friday, June the twelfth, we are 0:28:12.760 --> 0:28:17.120 having Yeee Apparel's big summer launch. We have all kinds 0:28:17.119 --> 0:28:18.960 of new apparel. It's gonna happen at ten am and 0:28:19.000 --> 0:28:22.680 typically these have sold out pretty quick, So you're gonna 0:28:22.680 --> 0:28:25.560 want to go to yee dot com or yeee apparel 0:28:25.680 --> 0:28:28.840 dot com and get there early and make sure you 0:28:28.880 --> 0:28:33.080 set your alarms in your phone. Say Friday, Hey, Hey, Siri, Friday, 0:28:33.160 --> 0:28:35.920 remind me on Friday that it's the yee Apparel of 0:28:35.920 --> 0:28:37.919 Summer launch, so that you can get it right in 0:28:37.960 --> 0:28:41.160 there at ten am and have access to the store 0:28:41.240 --> 0:28:44.400 and pick whatever you want because it's it's it's tough 0:28:44.440 --> 0:28:47.480 to see people that are that are you know, die 0:28:47.520 --> 0:28:51.000 hard ye Nation and they go in there and they 0:28:51.000 --> 0:28:54.000 find their favorite shirt and then they click large and 0:28:54.040 --> 0:28:55.880 it says sold out. I don't want that to happen 0:28:55.920 --> 0:28:57.720 to you. I am going to say right now on 0:28:57.760 --> 0:29:04.800 this podcast. This particular hat, this is the the multi 0:29:05.880 --> 0:29:07.880 multi wildlife hat. We'll call it that. I don't know 0:29:07.880 --> 0:29:10.320 what they're calling it, but it's one of my favorite 0:29:10.360 --> 0:29:14.040 hats to wear, and I'm gonna give this away on 0:29:14.080 --> 0:29:20.720 this podcast. Comment below, Sniper, Comment below, Sniper and I 0:29:20.800 --> 0:29:23.680 will sign it. Nick will sign it, and we will 0:29:23.680 --> 0:29:26.760 contact you, pick a random winner and mail it out. 0:29:28.160 --> 0:29:35.360 Love you guys, more back. So do you meditate every day? 0:29:36.040 --> 0:29:40.560 Every day? Okay, every day every day? How long it fluctuates? 0:29:40.560 --> 0:29:44.120 The minimum thirty minutes. The longest I've done was two hours, 0:29:45.080 --> 0:29:47.320 and that was like on a bad day, not a 0:29:47.320 --> 0:29:48.960 bad day. It was just a lot of stuff going 0:29:49.000 --> 0:29:53.880 on and I just wanted to take that time. But basically, 0:29:53.960 --> 0:29:57.000 how I do it, it's finding a nice room that 0:29:57.040 --> 0:30:02.080 I'm comfortable in. Usually it's dark for me. I like 0:30:02.120 --> 0:30:04.760 it dark. Set me up. What's the room in your 0:30:04.760 --> 0:30:06.960 house that you do this? It's got to be completely bare, 0:30:07.440 --> 0:30:12.000 And so I read a lot of like weird books, 0:30:12.680 --> 0:30:16.680 weird books, you know, Christian books, the Bible, front to 0:30:17.640 --> 0:30:23.040 witchcraft and occultism. But not necessarily, I, you know, associate myself. 0:30:23.080 --> 0:30:25.560 I dislike knowledge and I like to understand maybe the 0:30:25.600 --> 0:30:28.880 spirit a little bit more in depth. But my room 0:30:28.920 --> 0:30:32.920 is completely bare, white walls, carpet. So you have a 0:30:33.000 --> 0:30:36.480 room just for this, all right, just for it. I 0:30:36.480 --> 0:30:38.200 don't think you need one. You can find a closet 0:30:38.320 --> 0:30:42.120 or even just a room you're comfortable in. For me, 0:30:42.240 --> 0:30:46.040 I sit down in an Indian style and begin a 0:30:46.080 --> 0:30:48.560 breathing process. I don't close my eyes all the way. 0:30:48.760 --> 0:30:53.080 I kind of just look normal, and I breathe really deep, 0:30:53.160 --> 0:30:55.720 and I hold it and I breathe out three seconds, 0:30:55.720 --> 0:30:59.000 three seconds, and I keep that pattern up. And from 0:30:59.000 --> 0:31:02.160 that I start to really how little we do breathe, 0:31:02.680 --> 0:31:05.920 you know, how many, how little we do breathe, and 0:31:06.320 --> 0:31:08.960 the few deep breaths that we take in throughout the day, 0:31:09.240 --> 0:31:12.000 and oxygen supplies everything to the brain, all the blood 0:31:12.040 --> 0:31:14.360 to the brain, and you start to realize how more 0:31:14.640 --> 0:31:17.280 or how better you feel just by breathing deeply and 0:31:17.280 --> 0:31:20.760 holding it. And I work different parts of my direphragm 0:31:20.840 --> 0:31:23.680 to help me breathe. A lot of people breathe breathe 0:31:23.720 --> 0:31:26.640 from their chest area and change that and try to 0:31:26.640 --> 0:31:30.600 breathe from your lower dire frame area. I repeat that 0:31:30.680 --> 0:31:34.560 process until I feel comfortable. I would say ten minutes maybe, 0:31:35.000 --> 0:31:37.120 And that's when my eyes begin to close and I 0:31:37.120 --> 0:31:40.000 feel I relax everything in my body. So I consciously 0:31:40.040 --> 0:31:42.840 make the decision to relax the very top part of 0:31:42.880 --> 0:31:45.560 my head, the very crown part, and I relax my 0:31:45.600 --> 0:31:50.479 forehead and take time relaxing each individual group from the 0:31:50.520 --> 0:31:53.480 top of your head to your eyebrows, to your neck, 0:31:53.800 --> 0:31:57.440 all the way down to your toes, law breathing and 0:31:57.600 --> 0:32:02.280 relaxing everyone consciously. Everyone must group consciously, and then closing 0:32:02.320 --> 0:32:04.320 my eyes all the way. And that's when I focus 0:32:04.400 --> 0:32:07.040 on these small points in your body that are called 0:32:07.160 --> 0:32:10.240 you know, chakras, and there's seven of them, so there's 0:32:10.240 --> 0:32:13.960 one at the very base of chakras. If anyone looks 0:32:13.960 --> 0:32:17.040 it up, it's a very simple to understand. I think 0:32:17.040 --> 0:32:20.120 it's pretty you know, interesting to understand, like these energy 0:32:20.160 --> 0:32:25.480 sources throughout your body. I practice basically opening my chakras 0:32:25.560 --> 0:32:29.160 and I practice another form of meditation where you rise 0:32:29.200 --> 0:32:33.040 the Kundalini energy. It's this serpent serpent of energy that 0:32:33.160 --> 0:32:35.680 ryan goes through your spinal cord all the way to 0:32:35.720 --> 0:32:39.720 the crown of your head and yeah, all the way 0:32:39.760 --> 0:32:41.360 to if you believe in your third eye and all 0:32:41.400 --> 0:32:45.800 this stuff. But yeah, I practice those methods and your chakras. 0:32:45.800 --> 0:32:47.920 If you want to do the very simple version of 0:32:47.960 --> 0:32:50.280 that is, you know, there's seven different points in your 0:32:50.280 --> 0:32:52.560 body and you focus on each point and for me, 0:32:53.040 --> 0:32:56.959 I open each one. They look like a flower pedals. 0:32:57.000 --> 0:33:01.680 Imagine lotus flowers. Each one of them has their own 0:33:01.680 --> 0:33:03.680 specific color. And you open one up and then you 0:33:03.760 --> 0:33:06.479 let this light like the sun. You imagine all this 0:33:07.200 --> 0:33:09.800 in your head and you open each one, focusing on 0:33:09.880 --> 0:33:11.920 each point inside your body until you get to the 0:33:12.480 --> 0:33:16.400 very top of it. And it works. Man, it calms 0:33:16.400 --> 0:33:18.440 you down. And a lot of people when I first started, 0:33:18.520 --> 0:33:20.640 you have a lot of thoughts to go on your head, like, well, 0:33:20.640 --> 0:33:24.400 I can't concentrate on just one particular thing. Let those 0:33:24.440 --> 0:33:27.160 thoughts come into your head, acknowledge them, and then let 0:33:27.200 --> 0:33:29.960 them go. So if I think about do that, I 0:33:29.960 --> 0:33:32.120 can be meditating and go off into a thought of 0:33:32.360 --> 0:33:35.000 an eighteen wheeler truck, and I'll watch it and then 0:33:35.000 --> 0:33:37.920 I'll let it go. And I'm observant of every thought 0:33:37.920 --> 0:33:40.480 that goes into my head, just being observant, and meditation 0:33:40.600 --> 0:33:43.560 is all about observing, just observing everything, the thoughts in 0:33:43.600 --> 0:33:47.360 your head, the thoughts on the inside, including daydreams. Right everything, 0:33:47.480 --> 0:33:50.840 start daydreaming, you realize you're daydreaming. You realize now it's 0:33:50.840 --> 0:33:53.680 gone exactly Think about Okay, well that was it and 0:33:53.760 --> 0:33:56.000 let it go. And that the stress is in your 0:33:56.040 --> 0:33:58.320 life's team. You know, they'll pop up and things you're 0:33:58.320 --> 0:34:00.720 mad at. You know, I don't allow myself to get angry. 0:34:00.760 --> 0:34:02.640 I don't dwell on them. I just observe them and 0:34:02.680 --> 0:34:06.440 then move on to the the exercise. But until the 0:34:06.480 --> 0:34:09.040 exercise is eventually you'll get to the point where you 0:34:09.080 --> 0:34:11.920 can do it all the way through. Yeah, man, you 0:34:11.960 --> 0:34:15.319 guys think I think it's sometimes like a kicker in 0:34:15.360 --> 0:34:19.120 the NFL and it's in the super Bowl and he's 0:34:19.160 --> 0:34:21.160 got to make this. He's got to make this field goal. 0:34:21.400 --> 0:34:25.719 He's got to connect this kick through the uprights to 0:34:25.800 --> 0:34:28.560 win the game. And not only for his for his guys, 0:34:28.680 --> 0:34:31.600 I'm sure it's his teammates are number one, but for 0:34:31.760 --> 0:34:36.759 all the fans. I'm missing that one. So what can 0:34:36.800 --> 0:34:42.040 you imagine? Not you the people listening that feeling times 0:34:42.080 --> 0:34:45.680 a million finger on the trigger. Yeah, yeah, you're right there, 0:34:45.680 --> 0:34:49.920 You're in battle. You got to make this shot. Are 0:34:50.000 --> 0:34:53.360 your buddy is going to die? I'm scared all the time. 0:34:54.160 --> 0:34:56.600 Either has never been a time where I've not been scared, 0:34:56.719 --> 0:35:00.520 nervous or underrested. Made him underestimated myself in combat. So 0:35:00.600 --> 0:35:04.440 tell me that that that feeling, that that level of 0:35:04.480 --> 0:35:09.319 anxiety doesn't throw you into searching for some kind of 0:35:09.400 --> 0:35:13.080 meaning in some kind of meditation, in some way. I mean, 0:35:13.120 --> 0:35:16.520 I can't imagine, dude, it's because you didn't do that 0:35:16.560 --> 0:35:21.520 before the war. No, No, you're probably just the regularly 0:35:21.800 --> 0:35:28.359 regular guy, class clown, bad grades. Oh yeah, yeah, it's 0:35:28.400 --> 0:35:30.680 a dude, it's I don't know. I think we all 0:35:30.719 --> 0:35:34.839 have weird gifts and talents are even if you want 0:35:34.840 --> 0:35:37.640 to call them talents. You know, I think what you 0:35:37.719 --> 0:35:40.839 do is art. You know, I went to uh, I 0:35:40.840 --> 0:35:42.799 went to college when I was in middle school. I 0:35:42.800 --> 0:35:45.319 got selected to go to a college program or take 0:35:45.360 --> 0:35:49.560 a semester for art. And I'm big into art. I 0:35:49.600 --> 0:35:52.840 love painting and drawing and stuff like that. But I 0:35:52.880 --> 0:35:56.320 look at your what you do, your you know, uh, 0:35:56.600 --> 0:36:00.080 your ear for music, your you know, intellect within it. 0:36:00.080 --> 0:36:02.400 It's it's an art form and it's a gift. Not 0:36:02.440 --> 0:36:05.319 everybody has that and to be able to what I 0:36:05.360 --> 0:36:07.520 think are When I think about music, I think about 0:36:07.640 --> 0:36:10.480 let's say, your soul, right, that invisible thing that you 0:36:10.480 --> 0:36:13.640 can put on a stringed instrument are an instrument are 0:36:13.680 --> 0:36:17.600 your vocal tunes. I can't sing. I can strum around 0:36:17.640 --> 0:36:20.680 on a guitar, but I'm not able to project what 0:36:20.800 --> 0:36:23.840 I feel an emotion to a massive crowd. You know, 0:36:23.920 --> 0:36:25.920 that's like I'm not trying to get too religious, but 0:36:25.960 --> 0:36:30.160 I'm saying it's like when Yeshua Jesus the Great Teacher 0:36:30.280 --> 0:36:33.960 fed you know, thousands of people with very small things. 0:36:34.239 --> 0:36:38.200 You know, it's the same. It's that concept that work. Bro, 0:36:38.560 --> 0:36:42.080 I think it's not the same. But you affect people 0:36:42.080 --> 0:36:44.759 and you change lives. I think if you can do 0:36:44.800 --> 0:36:49.520 that for me as a storyteller, right, you can change 0:36:49.520 --> 0:36:52.240 people's lives by telling a story. But to play music, 0:36:52.480 --> 0:36:54.799 I look at it as if, H do you play 0:36:54.880 --> 0:36:59.680 guitar by the way you enjoy it? I enjoy it, 0:36:59.719 --> 0:37:03.520 but I can't. I can't do what you do where 0:37:03.560 --> 0:37:06.360 I can. I can play, but it's not that emotion. 0:37:06.480 --> 0:37:08.879 And I'm learning how to play. You know what I mean. 0:37:09.000 --> 0:37:11.200 You have a gift and a talent to play, and 0:37:11.239 --> 0:37:15.160 you feed people's souls with your gift. You know, you 0:37:15.280 --> 0:37:19.640 change people's lives. You may take someone through a hard time. Dude. 0:37:19.719 --> 0:37:21.680 Music for me growing up was you know I could 0:37:21.840 --> 0:37:24.000 have a song that related to you know, when I 0:37:24.000 --> 0:37:26.200 felt that I was getting bullied in school. You know, 0:37:26.280 --> 0:37:28.120 I can go back to that song. It changed my life, 0:37:28.200 --> 0:37:31.120 made me feel a little bit more powerful or whatnot. 0:37:31.480 --> 0:37:33.920 Even in combat, it has a spirit to it and 0:37:33.960 --> 0:37:36.359 it changes lives. Listen to death metal and all these 0:37:36.520 --> 0:37:38.480 you know, hardcore songs to get us ready to go 0:37:38.520 --> 0:37:41.239 into combat. So music in itself, I think has a 0:37:41.840 --> 0:37:44.480 portion of something in it that feeds the soul one 0:37:44.520 --> 0:37:49.480 hundred percent has to It's vibrations, raw made of vibrations. 0:37:49.840 --> 0:37:53.760 So well, let's take away the combat. Let's take away 0:37:54.680 --> 0:37:58.680 all your sniper kills, ranger school, let's take away all that. 0:37:59.520 --> 0:38:02.360 Now you're just a black man in America. Where are 0:38:02.400 --> 0:38:06.959 we at today? Sad? Man? I do I think it's sad? 0:38:07.440 --> 0:38:09.520 You know, I was talking to three days ago. I 0:38:09.560 --> 0:38:13.479 was talking to a writer, a book writer, older guy, 0:38:13.640 --> 0:38:17.120 and he grew up around the you know, segregation and 0:38:17.400 --> 0:38:20.879 racism back in America, and my parents did as well. 0:38:20.880 --> 0:38:23.200 My parents, my dad went to a fully segregated school 0:38:23.239 --> 0:38:26.640 and when it all happened, but he told me that 0:38:27.239 --> 0:38:31.279 it's it's worse now. He's still around. Yeah, he is, 0:38:31.320 --> 0:38:35.000 he is, and you know, they both, you know, it 0:38:35.000 --> 0:38:37.960 came to that conclusion that it's worse now, and I 0:38:38.000 --> 0:38:43.839 think that it's because of maybe it was never fully demolished. 0:38:43.880 --> 0:38:48.279 Our are out of certain parts of culture. And I 0:38:48.280 --> 0:38:50.719 can't blame anyone for that, or anyone can I think 0:38:50.760 --> 0:38:55.200 that to think that everybody here on this planet and 0:38:55.239 --> 0:38:57.520 there's a good and an evil that everybody's going to 0:38:57.640 --> 0:39:01.480 choose good, everybody can't choose good. If it were that way, 0:39:01.520 --> 0:39:04.160 then you know, heaven on Earth. But being that it's 0:39:04.200 --> 0:39:06.279 not at that point yet, there are going to be 0:39:06.320 --> 0:39:09.680 bad people with bad intentions and bad morals and bad 0:39:10.120 --> 0:39:13.440 ways of thinking. And I think that, you know, you 0:39:13.520 --> 0:39:17.960 can't necessarily have everyone like you, you know, but the 0:39:18.040 --> 0:39:21.880 common acceptance of the fact that maybe we're just a person. 0:39:21.920 --> 0:39:23.400 We have a view of me, but you don't have 0:39:23.440 --> 0:39:26.920 to disrespect me because I am that person or a 0:39:26.960 --> 0:39:30.040 color of a person that you may not like, you know, 0:39:30.080 --> 0:39:32.120 but the respect of a human being we can all 0:39:32.120 --> 0:39:34.680 at least agree to that, you know, we're at least 0:39:34.800 --> 0:39:38.239 human being. Whatever you think about me, you know, it 0:39:38.280 --> 0:39:40.680 is what it is. But it's just a weird place 0:39:40.719 --> 0:39:42.400 to be. And then I think, you know, having a 0:39:42.440 --> 0:39:45.480 family and having a kid. I'm lucky in the fact 0:39:45.520 --> 0:39:47.719 that he doesn't know what's going on. Yeah, you know, 0:39:48.239 --> 0:39:51.279 having to explain him, explain to him though I'm not 0:39:51.320 --> 0:39:54.279 even sure I can explain it now, you know. Here 0:39:54.400 --> 0:39:56.440 to myself, I don't know what's going on. I think 0:39:57.120 --> 0:40:01.080 I'm not sure if it's something he was swept under 0:40:01.120 --> 0:40:03.720 the rugs for so long that it, you know, finally 0:40:03.800 --> 0:40:08.000 became a boulder and here it is, or we've been 0:40:09.920 --> 0:40:12.840 stressed out as a nation, you know as well, and 0:40:12.880 --> 0:40:15.440 a lot of people are just doing things that they 0:40:15.480 --> 0:40:17.920 may not necessarily believe. Some do, but I think a 0:40:17.920 --> 0:40:21.400 lot of people at this point have maybe chosen two sides. 0:40:21.440 --> 0:40:23.960 And I think that's how our country has split. Regardless 0:40:23.960 --> 0:40:26.319 of how you look at it. It's not united, it 0:40:26.360 --> 0:40:29.719 never has been. And your dad, you're dad, What does 0:40:29.760 --> 0:40:33.480 he say to Why does he think it's worse? I 0:40:33.480 --> 0:40:36.320 should say, I honestly do think because it's on TV 0:40:36.520 --> 0:40:39.880 and it's it's it's being film more and everybody you 0:40:39.920 --> 0:40:42.680 know has access to it. That's the way. I've seen 0:40:42.719 --> 0:40:45.160 those videos of the sixties, man, and to me, that 0:40:45.280 --> 0:40:47.719 was worse. Dude. We've seen the fire hose videos in 0:40:47.800 --> 0:40:51.440 Mississippi or wherever, you know, wherever that was, and he said, 0:40:51.560 --> 0:40:55.040 and he was there, not there, But yeah, how does 0:40:55.040 --> 0:40:58.759 he he thinks that the social media? I think it's 0:40:58.760 --> 0:41:03.400 social media and being able to see everyone's opinion of 0:41:03.440 --> 0:41:05.439 how they feel. Back then, it was you know, three 0:41:05.520 --> 0:41:07.800 channels is what he said, you know, right, three channels 0:41:07.840 --> 0:41:09.759 and that was it and you saw what you saw 0:41:09.800 --> 0:41:12.200 in the news, and you know, that was it. He 0:41:12.239 --> 0:41:14.520 went to a fully segregated school. So I think now 0:41:14.640 --> 0:41:17.600 just having access to social media and you get a 0:41:17.680 --> 0:41:21.400 chance to maybe see people's opinions or ways of thinking, 0:41:21.680 --> 0:41:24.520 is what may make it appear to be bad. But 0:41:24.600 --> 0:41:27.600 I think maybe it's not bad, or it just never 0:41:27.640 --> 0:41:30.600 went away, you know. And if that be the case, 0:41:30.800 --> 0:41:35.439 I mean, do I think there needs to be changed systematically, Yes, 0:41:35.520 --> 0:41:38.239 but not just in the favor of me because I 0:41:38.280 --> 0:41:41.400 am black. I think in the favor of everybody. You know, 0:41:41.480 --> 0:41:45.520 my son's not black, he's mixed, you know. And I 0:41:45.560 --> 0:41:49.920 think that these rules are whatever the good fight is 0:41:49.960 --> 0:41:53.640 for needs to apply to everyone. Everyone should at least 0:41:53.680 --> 0:41:57.200 feel safe or have the same advantages. And I always say, 0:41:57.320 --> 0:41:59.360 you know, people asked, does that really happen? You know, 0:41:59.520 --> 0:42:04.120 thevantage of advantages of being black in this situation or not. 0:42:05.160 --> 0:42:07.360 And I would use the example of just me and 0:42:07.480 --> 0:42:11.600 movies and TV shows, right And I've been denied three 0:42:11.640 --> 0:42:15.360 times for a show and talked to on set with 0:42:15.440 --> 0:42:19.279 the producer for a network, a big major network, to 0:42:19.719 --> 0:42:22.479 probably cut my hair because it would not look good 0:42:22.520 --> 0:42:25.120 to a certain demographic. And I called my wife a 0:42:25.160 --> 0:42:26.880 meeting and I was like this mother, you know, just 0:42:26.920 --> 0:42:30.520 told me. Yeah. And so it's a real thing. It's 0:42:30.880 --> 0:42:34.560 I've been discriminated against. You know, my wife and me 0:42:34.680 --> 0:42:37.680 both have been discriminated against for being mixed, and you know, 0:42:37.960 --> 0:42:40.600 called names. I've been called names and all of it. 0:42:40.719 --> 0:42:44.839 So it does exist. But I'm not sure there's nothing 0:42:44.840 --> 0:42:46.840 you really can't do about that. You can't change someone's 0:42:46.840 --> 0:42:50.840 way of thinking. You know, I every morning at the 0:42:50.880 --> 0:42:54.880 gym work out with these guys, both of them black guys. 0:42:55.239 --> 0:42:59.120 One of them is not racially sensitive at all, the 0:42:59.239 --> 0:43:05.040 other one very racially sensitive. So and we're really close. 0:43:05.080 --> 0:43:08.080 So we get into these some occasionally, these deep conversations, 0:43:09.040 --> 0:43:11.160 and I always and kind of like I want to 0:43:11.200 --> 0:43:12.480 do with you right here, is I just want to 0:43:12.520 --> 0:43:15.279 kind of get out of the way, because I'm not 0:43:15.320 --> 0:43:21.920 going to pretend like I can relate. But I do 0:43:22.040 --> 0:43:24.080 tell him. And it's funny because I tell him this, 0:43:24.120 --> 0:43:25.680 and then I say, I'll never say this in public, 0:43:25.680 --> 0:43:28.359 and here I am on my own podcast. But it 0:43:28.400 --> 0:43:34.440 feels like to me that as time goes by long enough, 0:43:34.760 --> 0:43:38.640 it gets a little bit better. Maybe, and you you 0:43:38.640 --> 0:43:41.200 are the only one that can answer that. But and 0:43:41.239 --> 0:43:44.000 my point to him, to Larry is, I say, Larry, 0:43:44.640 --> 0:43:48.600 if you ask your great great granddad if you got 0:43:48.640 --> 0:43:51.799 it bad, don't you think he'd laugh at you and said, 0:43:51.840 --> 0:43:57.320 tell me more about your problems. And as your kid 0:43:57.600 --> 0:44:01.680 and Larry's kids and my kids, every generation goes by 0:44:01.880 --> 0:44:05.000 a little bit of it falls away, or does it. 0:44:05.080 --> 0:44:07.319 I don't know. I know I get where you're going, man, 0:44:07.480 --> 0:44:10.120 And that brings up a good point. So I would say, wow, 0:44:10.440 --> 0:44:13.879 I was pretty good. Yeah, I think I think you're right, man. 0:44:13.960 --> 0:44:16.520 I do think you're right. Over time, it has to 0:44:16.560 --> 0:44:19.520 work that way, It only has to. I think we 0:44:19.640 --> 0:44:22.800 may be looking at time and and and how fast 0:44:22.880 --> 0:44:27.279 change is supposed to be on a scale that is 0:44:27.320 --> 0:44:30.120 not naturally supposed to work that way. You know, But 0:44:30.280 --> 0:44:32.480 you threw my theory out of the water the very beginning. 0:44:32.520 --> 0:44:35.160 When you say, no, that's worse, but no, I think 0:44:35.360 --> 0:44:37.439 and that's the only reason why I think that, though, 0:44:37.520 --> 0:44:40.080 is because of social media having access. We have so 0:44:40.200 --> 0:44:42.759 much access to the world now. Back then it was, 0:44:42.800 --> 0:44:44.759 you know, we had access to one view and that 0:44:44.920 --> 0:44:47.040 was whatever the TV told you, and you didn't have 0:44:47.080 --> 0:44:51.879 access to I can talk to a person in the Congo. Well, 0:44:51.960 --> 0:44:54.080 I never have, but I'm pretty sure I could, you 0:44:54.120 --> 0:44:57.720 know on the internet if yeah, the Congo, right. Yeah. 0:44:58.040 --> 0:45:00.879 When I hear people say the country more split now 0:45:00.880 --> 0:45:03.520 than it's ever been, I always think, have you read 0:45:03.560 --> 0:45:07.320 about the Civil War? Yeah, you're one hundred percent correct, Yeah, Yeah, 0:45:07.680 --> 0:45:10.040 I don't think it's split. I think it's just having acts. 0:45:10.080 --> 0:45:14.480 Everyone has access to seeing forms of hate, and some 0:45:14.560 --> 0:45:18.520 people tend to gravitate towards the hateful side. You can 0:45:18.560 --> 0:45:20.239 pick and choose what you want to see, you know, 0:45:21.040 --> 0:45:22.720 what you want to feed your sol I don't see 0:45:23.239 --> 0:45:26.120 I do see division, one hundred percent see division. But 0:45:26.800 --> 0:45:29.160 I think it's also because of the fact there is 0:45:29.200 --> 0:45:33.120 a lot of social media you can look into. Division 0:45:33.200 --> 0:45:36.600 is always going to be there. I'm a firm believer 0:45:36.760 --> 0:45:38.960 in that. I think there's a way to cope with it. 0:45:39.000 --> 0:45:41.239 But now that you said over time, and you've made 0:45:41.280 --> 0:45:45.320 me think, like, you know, my grandparents were growing up, Dude, 0:45:45.440 --> 0:45:49.600 I wouldn't last two minutes in their shoes. So I 0:45:49.640 --> 0:45:52.000 look at it now. I think we evolve and we 0:45:52.120 --> 0:45:55.719 start to see what's wrong. Over time, we naturally start 0:45:55.760 --> 0:45:58.319 to evolve, and you know, we get better and we 0:45:58.360 --> 0:46:00.960 get better, and we say that was pretty crazy. Fifty 0:46:01.040 --> 0:46:03.560 years ago we were drilling holes in people's heads saying 0:46:03.560 --> 0:46:06.200 it's going to cure a headache, you know. So you 0:46:06.200 --> 0:46:08.839 got a point there, while mind is blown a little 0:46:08.840 --> 0:46:12.279 bit there that at least is going up. It might 0:46:12.360 --> 0:46:14.759 not be fast enough for most people. I like that. 0:46:14.800 --> 0:46:18.040 You're right. It's the curve, Bro, It's the curve. And 0:46:18.080 --> 0:46:20.799 what I tell Larry is more bluntly as I just say. 0:46:21.200 --> 0:46:24.919 Old people just got to die eventually. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Bro, 0:46:26.200 --> 0:46:28.479 got to die with them. Yep. Everybody's got one hundred 0:46:28.560 --> 0:46:31.439 years man, Max, all right, at least unless you're lucky. 0:46:31.520 --> 0:46:33.440 I like that one. I like that one. See now 0:46:33.480 --> 0:46:36.120 I have to go meditate on that now I am. 0:46:36.280 --> 0:46:38.680 I am? That was the good one. Yeah, well, just 0:46:38.760 --> 0:46:40.839 the thought of that. I get the privilege of being 0:46:40.960 --> 0:46:45.080 in a Nick Irving right, right, I think I just 0:46:45.600 --> 0:46:51.799 shrine of Grand Smith on the wall. Man. We can't 0:46:51.840 --> 0:46:53.560 go to another subject after that. I just want to 0:46:53.560 --> 0:46:57.200 say thank you for taking your time. You are an 0:46:57.239 --> 0:47:02.440 American hero. You have of You have many many times 0:47:02.440 --> 0:47:05.000 over protected the right that has allowed me to have 0:47:05.120 --> 0:47:07.880 this podcast, to have the freedom of speech, to speak 0:47:07.960 --> 0:47:11.000 my mind on a platform that I choose at the 0:47:11.040 --> 0:47:13.120 time that I choose, and to live the American dream 0:47:13.160 --> 0:47:15.840 by going and choosing to play music to provide for 0:47:15.960 --> 0:47:19.880 my family. I believe that all that is provided and 0:47:19.920 --> 0:47:24.880 defended by guys like you. I appreciate it and I 0:47:25.920 --> 0:47:28.560 can't thank you enough for what you've done for your 0:47:28.640 --> 0:47:32.680 story and UH and for your friendship. Awesome man. I 0:47:32.719 --> 0:47:34.480 appreciate you, brother. I appreciate it.