WEBVTT - Don't Make Friends Where You Make Your Money? 0:00:15.476 --> 0:00:15.916 Pushkin. 0:00:22.916 --> 0:00:25.316 I'm an only child, and my mother grew up with 0:00:25.676 --> 0:00:28.876 four or five siblings, and so I remember from a 0:00:29.156 --> 0:00:31.276 very young age my mother would always tell me that 0:00:31.556 --> 0:00:32.876 your friends will be your family. 0:00:33.356 --> 0:00:35.036 Meet Catherine, who she was. 0:00:35.076 --> 0:00:37.756 Very worried about me growing up as an only child 0:00:37.796 --> 0:00:40.236 and not having that sort of built in friendship that 0:00:40.316 --> 0:00:41.236 she had growing up. 0:00:41.596 --> 0:00:44.596 But Catherine's mom didn't need to be worried because Catherine 0:00:44.596 --> 0:00:46.996 had a knack for connecting with others, and when she 0:00:47.036 --> 0:00:49.596 started college, Catherine quickly got to know many of her 0:00:49.596 --> 0:00:50.636 fellow students, like. 0:00:50.596 --> 0:00:51.756 It was one of those things where you ran into 0:00:51.796 --> 0:00:53.876 people all the time just by virtue of being on 0:00:53.876 --> 0:00:55.436 campus and walking on the same places. 0:00:55.756 --> 0:00:57.876 So when Catherine moved to DC to start her first 0:00:57.916 --> 0:01:01.396 job after college, working for The Atlantic magazine, she assumed 0:01:01.436 --> 0:01:02.996 it would be just as easy to make friends in 0:01:03.036 --> 0:01:06.396 the office as it had been on campus. But it wasn't. 0:01:06.876 --> 0:01:10.596 I felt really disillusioned with young adult life. I kind 0:01:10.636 --> 0:01:13.436 of felt like I had been tricked that young adult 0:01:13.436 --> 0:01:15.836 life was promised, and like pop culture and all these 0:01:15.876 --> 0:01:19.156 TV shows as this wonderful thing. You're like finding yourself. 0:01:19.156 --> 0:01:21.676 You're in this new city, you're starting to forge your path, 0:01:21.756 --> 0:01:23.796 and I just felt really disappointed. 0:01:24.596 --> 0:01:27.556 Catherine was experiencing a feeling she hadn't known in college. 0:01:28.036 --> 0:01:31.156 She was feeling kind of lonely, and she wasn't alone. 0:01:31.756 --> 0:01:34.196 As she spoke with friends in other cities, she learned 0:01:34.196 --> 0:01:36.556 that many of them were in the same boat. They 0:01:36.556 --> 0:01:39.116 two just weren't meeting people they felt close to in 0:01:39.156 --> 0:01:42.516 their new jobs. Catherine wanted to figure out what was wrong. 0:01:43.076 --> 0:01:45.756 Why wasn't she able to connect with new people, what 0:01:45.876 --> 0:01:49.116 had changed. In the end, she decided the problem wasn't 0:01:49.116 --> 0:01:52.156 with her or with moving to a new place. The problem, 0:01:52.196 --> 0:01:53.836 Catherine decided, was work. 0:01:54.276 --> 0:01:58.116 The work environment is one where you don't have control 0:01:58.196 --> 0:02:00.956 over a lot of factors and is already a place 0:02:01.036 --> 0:02:01.996 of a lot of stress. 0:02:02.356 --> 0:02:04.516 Catherine began to see her time in the office not 0:02:04.556 --> 0:02:07.596 as an opportunity to connect with like minded colleagues, but 0:02:07.636 --> 0:02:10.756 as an opportunity cost. Being at work sucked up the 0:02:10.796 --> 0:02:13.516 time she could be spending finding non work friendships. 0:02:13.716 --> 0:02:15.796 I think we all have this urge to have something 0:02:15.876 --> 0:02:19.636 more than just R nine to five. It's almost as 0:02:19.676 --> 0:02:22.236 if I had to carve out time to live life. 0:02:22.356 --> 0:02:25.756 Catherine became so disillusioned with the possibility of making connections 0:02:25.756 --> 0:02:29.236 at work that she shared her experience publicly. She wrote 0:02:29.236 --> 0:02:32.076 an article which ran in The Boston Globe entitled my 0:02:32.236 --> 0:02:35.236 generation isn't looking to make friends at work and It's 0:02:35.276 --> 0:02:38.996 better this way. Catherine argued that gen Z saw the 0:02:39.036 --> 0:02:43.036 workplace primarily as a source of income, not companionship, and 0:02:43.116 --> 0:02:45.556 her article maintained that it was healthier not to make 0:02:45.556 --> 0:02:48.396 friends there anyway, since a boss who was also a 0:02:48.436 --> 0:02:50.876 friend might guilt you into doing more work than you're 0:02:50.876 --> 0:02:54.236 paid to do. The article painted a gloomy picture of 0:02:54.276 --> 0:02:58.596 the modern workplace, one that really resonated with readers. The 0:02:58.636 --> 0:03:01.356 op ed went viral. It became one of the Globe's 0:03:01.356 --> 0:03:04.716 most read articles of that entire year, and the comments 0:03:04.716 --> 0:03:08.556 section that followed exploded. Many readers left long accounts of 0:03:08.596 --> 0:03:13.196 work frendships that felt unsatisfying, hollow, and even exploitive. Other 0:03:13.276 --> 0:03:16.996 comments were more succinct. One reader responded to Catherine's attack 0:03:17.036 --> 0:03:22.636 on work friendships with a single word, BINGO. I'm guessing 0:03:22.636 --> 0:03:24.556 that at least some of you listening right now also 0:03:24.636 --> 0:03:28.036 agree with Catherine that friendship and work don't really mix. 0:03:28.676 --> 0:03:30.636 You might share the view that making friends at work 0:03:30.676 --> 0:03:33.076 will be hard or awkward, or that it'll lead to 0:03:33.116 --> 0:03:36.756 problems like favoritism or drama. You might tell yourself that 0:03:36.796 --> 0:03:39.716 work is about being productive and getting paid, and that 0:03:39.796 --> 0:03:44.276 time spent socializing is just an unprofessional distraction. But what 0:03:44.316 --> 0:03:46.916 does the science say? Could we be missing out on 0:03:46.956 --> 0:03:50.356 an important path to friendship and happiness, one that's available 0:03:50.436 --> 0:03:56.596 at the very same time we're earning our paychecks. Our 0:03:56.636 --> 0:03:59.036 minds are constantly telling us what's due to be happy. 0:03:59.476 --> 0:04:01.556 But what if our minds are wrong? What if our 0:04:01.596 --> 0:04:04.036 minds are lying to us, leading us away from what 0:04:04.036 --> 0:04:06.916 will really make us happy. The good news is that 0:04:07.036 --> 0:04:09.236 understanding the science of the mind can point us all 0:04:09.556 --> 0:04:12.836 in the right direction. You're listening to the Happiness Lab 0:04:12.956 --> 0:04:23.396 with doctor Laurie Santos. I came across Catherine's viral article 0:04:23.516 --> 0:04:26.076 when we were planning this special season on Connecting Better, 0:04:26.716 --> 0:04:29.516 But that wasn't the first time I'd encountered Catherine or 0:04:29.556 --> 0:04:31.796 her work. I looked back and realized that we did 0:04:31.836 --> 0:04:33.796 have a correspondence when you took the class. 0:04:34.036 --> 0:04:36.396 Yeah, wow, I do remember emailing you. 0:04:36.476 --> 0:04:39.396 Actually, you see, Catherine is one of my Yale students. 0:04:39.836 --> 0:04:43.036 She graduated back in twenty twenty one and like thousands 0:04:43.036 --> 0:04:45.796 of her classmates, she chose to enroll in my famous 0:04:45.836 --> 0:04:47.996 happiness class. So we don't have a word for the 0:04:47.996 --> 0:04:51.916 opposite of loneliness, not feeling loneliness, But if we had one, 0:04:52.156 --> 0:04:54.076 that's what I would want in life. I would want 0:04:54.076 --> 0:04:55.916 to feel the opposite of lonely. A class, mind you, 0:04:55.996 --> 0:04:58.836 that spent weeks and weeks talking about the happiness benefits 0:04:58.876 --> 0:05:01.636 of social connection, I would charge you to find any 0:05:01.796 --> 0:05:05.836 study in the history of psychology says shows that social connection. 0:05:05.596 --> 0:05:06.716 Doesn't make you happier. 0:05:07.156 --> 0:05:10.156 That's how profound these effects are. And that's why Catherine's 0:05:10.196 --> 0:05:13.436 article affected me so deeply. Here was this hit article 0:05:13.596 --> 0:05:16.716 that totally rejected the benefits of connection at work, and 0:05:16.796 --> 0:05:20.076 it was written by somebody who had taken my happiness class. 0:05:20.996 --> 0:05:24.476 Shouldn't my student have known better? Had Catherine totally missed 0:05:24.516 --> 0:05:27.916 everything I taught her? I asked Catherine what she remembered 0:05:27.916 --> 0:05:31.076 from the course. She quickly launched into a cherished memory 0:05:31.076 --> 0:05:34.196 from class, a homework assignment in which I gave students 0:05:34.236 --> 0:05:36.916 the opportunity to try out happier ways of spending their 0:05:36.956 --> 0:05:37.436 free time. 0:05:37.796 --> 0:05:39.756 You suspended class that day, and you were like, go 0:05:39.836 --> 0:05:42.636 do something joyful. That makes you very happy. And it 0:05:42.676 --> 0:05:44.516 was my friend Olivia who took the class, and it's 0:05:44.516 --> 0:05:47.036 still one of my best friends. And she's like very outdoorsy, 0:05:47.036 --> 0:05:48.596 and so she was like, we should go to East Rock. 0:05:49.076 --> 0:05:51.076 East Rock is a state park a few miles from 0:05:51.156 --> 0:05:54.116 Yale's campus. It's one of my absolute favorite spots. 0:05:54.356 --> 0:05:58.236 We climbed it. It was beautiful and I still actually 0:05:58.276 --> 0:06:00.396 have this photo that I took of her where she's 0:06:00.556 --> 0:06:03.396 just kind of looking off into the distance. And then 0:06:03.436 --> 0:06:07.036 afterwards we went to the East Rock Coffee shop and 0:06:07.036 --> 0:06:09.596 we got a little coffee, we met up with some friends, 0:06:09.756 --> 0:06:13.556 and it was one of those beautiful college days that 0:06:13.636 --> 0:06:14.596 you don't really forget. 0:06:14.996 --> 0:06:17.556 I listened to this sweet story feeling a little baffled 0:06:18.116 --> 0:06:21.236 because Catherine had clearly recognized the value of connection while 0:06:21.276 --> 0:06:24.276 she was in college, and not just on the unforgettable 0:06:24.316 --> 0:06:26.436 day that she climbed to East Rock with her best friend. 0:06:26.956 --> 0:06:29.076 I think Yale does a very good job when you 0:06:29.196 --> 0:06:32.836 enter the college environment, of putting you in situations with 0:06:32.876 --> 0:06:36.636 people you may not have naturally drifted towards. And I 0:06:36.796 --> 0:06:40.036 feel like that helped me access parts of myself that 0:06:40.076 --> 0:06:43.196 I didn't even realize existed, and I think that's a 0:06:43.196 --> 0:06:44.076 really beautiful thing. 0:06:44.796 --> 0:06:47.756 So what was behind Catherine's change of heart? Why was 0:06:47.796 --> 0:06:51.356 she so down on the possibility of work friendships well 0:06:51.476 --> 0:06:54.676 for starters. Catherine began her new job during the pandemic. 0:06:55.236 --> 0:06:58.796 Like many recent college graduates, her introduction to work began 0:06:58.836 --> 0:06:59.636 on a zoom screen. 0:06:59.756 --> 0:07:05.196 It definitely amplified my feelings of disconnection at the time, But. 0:07:05.236 --> 0:07:09.076 Rather than blaming remote working, Catherine began appreciating it's benefit, 0:07:09.956 --> 0:07:12.116 like not having to worry about dressing up for work 0:07:12.516 --> 0:07:14.916 or acting a certain way all day every day. 0:07:15.356 --> 0:07:18.956 My physical body cannot be seen, my expressions can't really 0:07:18.956 --> 0:07:21.076 be seen except for on zoom for maybe like thirty minutes. 0:07:21.076 --> 0:07:23.076 It is really just based on the quality of my work. 0:07:23.276 --> 0:07:26.476 Remote work also shifted Catherine's views about weaving together her 0:07:26.556 --> 0:07:29.556 job and social life. When your work takes place in 0:07:29.636 --> 0:07:32.916 literally the same physical space as your personal life, namely 0:07:32.996 --> 0:07:36.116 your home, Catherine says, it's even more important to keep 0:07:36.156 --> 0:07:37.236 the two realms separate. 0:07:37.516 --> 0:07:39.556 It is a huge portion of our lives. Like sometimes 0:07:39.556 --> 0:07:41.236 when I step back and like, it's shocking that this 0:07:41.396 --> 0:07:44.316 is the norm of how we do the balance when 0:07:44.316 --> 0:07:45.676 we work in life. I would actually say, it's not 0:07:45.716 --> 0:07:48.636 a balance. It is very much teetered in one direction. 0:07:49.036 --> 0:07:52.996 And so those boundaries become even more important because work 0:07:52.996 --> 0:07:55.116 has already encroached upon life. 0:07:55.396 --> 0:07:58.236 Catherine worries that the expectation to socialize at work can 0:07:58.276 --> 0:07:59.636 further threaten those boundaries. 0:08:00.156 --> 0:08:04.316 I definitely have friends who work at workplaces where they 0:08:04.356 --> 0:08:06.716 tend to like ask you to go out to dinner 0:08:06.756 --> 0:08:09.236 with the company after and then they go to drink, 0:08:09.316 --> 0:08:11.036 and then they also want to see you on the 0:08:11.076 --> 0:08:15.356 weekend for another event that is like kind of you know, optional, 0:08:15.436 --> 0:08:18.596 but also really mandatory. And I think it gets into 0:08:18.596 --> 0:08:23.236 this fuzzy space where like socializing becomes part of your 0:08:23.396 --> 0:08:26.556 job and is tied to your job performance in a 0:08:26.596 --> 0:08:29.116 way that is icky. And I do feel like gen 0:08:29.196 --> 0:08:31.356 Z does not enjoy as much. 0:08:31.796 --> 0:08:34.356 And if the reaction to Catherine's article is any indication, 0:08:34.876 --> 0:08:37.716 some boomers and gen xers share this gen Z aversion, 0:08:38.356 --> 0:08:41.636 older readers left comments like you work with your colleagues, 0:08:41.676 --> 0:08:45.316 but you hang with your friends. One person was even blunter, 0:08:46.156 --> 0:08:48.036 just let me do my job and leave me the 0:08:48.076 --> 0:08:48.756 heck alone. 0:08:49.076 --> 0:08:51.196 You know, it's actually easier now because I don't have 0:08:51.316 --> 0:08:54.116 to do the schmoozing. I don't have to do the networking. 0:08:54.196 --> 0:08:56.796 I can just be judged on the quality of my work, 0:08:56.796 --> 0:08:58.116 and that is very refreshing. 0:08:58.876 --> 0:09:01.916 Catherine doesn't claim to speak for her entire generation, but 0:09:01.996 --> 0:09:05.116 she does think that gen Z's resistance to work socializing 0:09:05.356 --> 0:09:07.876 is part of a broader shift in attitudes towards labor 0:09:07.996 --> 0:09:08.716 and happiness. 0:09:09.276 --> 0:09:11.716 Gen Z like work is important, and if they can 0:09:11.756 --> 0:09:15.476 excel in it, it's great, but it does not affect 0:09:15.916 --> 0:09:19.556 how highly they think of themselves in the same way 0:09:19.596 --> 0:09:22.396 that maybe it does for other generations. It is an 0:09:22.396 --> 0:09:25.796 important part of their lives, but it is still just a. 0:09:25.836 --> 0:09:27.356 Part of their lives. 0:09:27.836 --> 0:09:31.436 And I think that this younger generation also tends to 0:09:31.516 --> 0:09:35.276 see the skeleton of what is really happening in a 0:09:35.316 --> 0:09:39.156 workplace much more clearly. So, like, yes, your job does 0:09:39.276 --> 0:09:42.596 give you a lot of belonging and identity and all 0:09:42.596 --> 0:09:44.596 of these things, but at the end of the day, 0:09:44.756 --> 0:09:48.116 it is still a job where someone pays you money 0:09:48.636 --> 0:09:52.116 to come and perform a service, and if you don't 0:09:52.156 --> 0:09:55.236 perform that service well enough, then they might decide that 0:09:55.236 --> 0:09:58.796 they're not interested in paying you anymore or having you 0:09:58.836 --> 0:10:02.036 at that company. It is still a financial transaction fundamentally. 0:10:02.236 --> 0:10:04.436 If it can more than that, that's fantastic. But I 0:10:04.476 --> 0:10:07.716 think that gen Z tends to not be able to 0:10:07.836 --> 0:10:09.636 and doesn't want to ignore the f fact that it 0:10:09.716 --> 0:10:12.956 is still a transaction in some form. 0:10:13.556 --> 0:10:16.476 This might make gen Z sound a little mercenary, but 0:10:16.596 --> 0:10:19.196 Catherine says there are pressing reasons her peers put this 0:10:19.236 --> 0:10:21.396 transactional nature of work front and center. 0:10:21.676 --> 0:10:24.756 I watched two thousand and eight happen when I was 0:10:25.036 --> 0:10:27.876 pretty young, and I wasn't old enough to understand it, 0:10:27.916 --> 0:10:29.436 but it was one of those things that I did 0:10:29.596 --> 0:10:33.196 actually remember, and was in my psyche from a young age, 0:10:33.796 --> 0:10:36.796 and then graduating in a pandemic and thinking that a 0:10:36.916 --> 0:10:38.796 recession was going to happen, and we're still in a 0:10:38.876 --> 0:10:42.036 very shaky place. I think that the economic history of 0:10:42.036 --> 0:10:46.756 the last few decades has necessitated a generation that does 0:10:47.036 --> 0:10:51.676 place the financial rewards of their labor a little more 0:10:51.716 --> 0:10:53.596 first and foremost than some other things. 0:10:54.196 --> 0:10:57.156 Fair and reliable paychecks in a time of economic flex 0:10:57.596 --> 0:11:00.956 a healthy work life balance, having control over your working 0:11:01.036 --> 0:11:05.236 environment and how your performance is evaluated. Catherine thinks these 0:11:05.276 --> 0:11:08.196 things matter for happiness at work way way more than 0:11:08.236 --> 0:11:11.436 having friends in the offe this, But is Catherine Wright, 0:11:11.876 --> 0:11:14.476 what does the science say really matters for happiness on 0:11:14.516 --> 0:11:18.316 the job and beyond. We'll get some surprising answers when 0:11:18.316 --> 0:11:20.516 the Happiness Lab returns after the break. 0:11:28.236 --> 0:11:31.436 You know all of us have stressors happening to us 0:11:31.436 --> 0:11:32.676 often every day. 0:11:32.636 --> 0:11:34.796 Right, this is Robert Waldinger, not a. 0:11:34.836 --> 0:11:38.316 Problem as long as the body goes back to equilibrium 0:11:38.396 --> 0:11:42.236 when the stress is removed. And what we think relationships 0:11:42.356 --> 0:11:45.676 do so well for us is their stress regulators. Like 0:11:45.716 --> 0:11:50.116 if something upsetting happens to me during the day, I 0:11:50.156 --> 0:11:52.756 can go home and talk to my wife, or I 0:11:52.756 --> 0:11:55.796 could call a friend and I can literally feel my 0:11:55.876 --> 0:11:56.956 body calm down. 0:11:57.916 --> 0:12:00.996 Robert is an expert on how relationships affect our physical health. 0:12:01.276 --> 0:12:04.196 What we think happens is that people who are lonely 0:12:04.876 --> 0:12:08.436 don't have those people to help them manage stress, that 0:12:08.516 --> 0:12:11.996 they stay in a low level fight or flight mode, 0:12:12.116 --> 0:12:15.916 you know, higher levels of stress hormones, higher levels of inflammation. 0:12:16.396 --> 0:12:18.276 If you think this sounds like it'd be very bad 0:12:18.316 --> 0:12:22.036 for your body, you'd be right. Regular Happiness Lab listeners 0:12:22.076 --> 0:12:25.676 may remember that Robert directs the Harvard Study of Adult Development, 0:12:25.916 --> 0:12:28.036 an epic project that followed a group of men for 0:12:28.116 --> 0:12:30.796 decades to see what keeps people happy and healthy as 0:12:30.796 --> 0:12:32.716 they go through life and reach old age. 0:12:33.036 --> 0:12:37.596 The big surprise was that the people who had the 0:12:37.716 --> 0:12:41.516 warmest connections with other people were the people who stayed 0:12:41.556 --> 0:12:42.716 healthy longer. 0:12:43.356 --> 0:12:46.596 So friendships don't just make you happier, they also help 0:12:46.676 --> 0:12:50.196 protect you from stress related illnesses. Robert found that people 0:12:50.236 --> 0:12:53.956 with super stressful jobs and tough life circumstances stayed healthier 0:12:53.996 --> 0:12:57.196 through those challenges so long as they had enough social connections. 0:12:57.636 --> 0:13:02.596 Friendships are stress regulators. People who had better relationships were 0:13:02.676 --> 0:13:06.876 less likely to get heart disease or type two diabetes 0:13:06.996 --> 0:13:07.836 or arthritis. 0:13:08.196 --> 0:13:10.316 But just like Catherine, who some of the men in 0:13:10.396 --> 0:13:13.316 Robert's study found themselves surrounded by friends at one stage 0:13:13.316 --> 0:13:16.156 in life, but then suddenly struggling for companionship. 0:13:16.316 --> 0:13:18.836 And one of the things we saw in our study 0:13:19.076 --> 0:13:21.836 was that people who were in their twenties and had 0:13:21.876 --> 0:13:25.076 lots of friends would find that when they didn't take 0:13:25.116 --> 0:13:28.836 care of their relationships over time, those relationships would just 0:13:28.956 --> 0:13:34.556 wither away from neglect. Perfectly good relationships that eventually fell away, 0:13:34.676 --> 0:13:37.396 so that people would wake up in their thirties or 0:13:37.436 --> 0:13:40.076 forties look around and say, oh, my gosh, I don't 0:13:40.076 --> 0:13:40.836 have any friends. 0:13:41.116 --> 0:13:43.836 Adult friendships it seems take a lot more energy to 0:13:43.876 --> 0:13:46.596 maintain than the ones formed in our younger years. If 0:13:46.596 --> 0:13:48.956 we're not diligent and careful, any of us could see 0:13:48.956 --> 0:13:50.236 our social circles dwindle. 0:13:50.556 --> 0:13:53.356 It's a practice that you want to develop, this ongoing 0:13:53.436 --> 0:13:55.676 practice of taking care of relationships. 0:13:56.476 --> 0:13:59.156 Robert's book The Good Life Lessons from the World's Longest 0:13:59.196 --> 0:14:02.716 scientific Study of Happiness explores why we often fail to 0:14:02.756 --> 0:14:05.876 invest in social connection as we age. One reason, he 0:14:05.956 --> 0:14:08.396 says is that people assume a good life stems not 0:14:08.436 --> 0:14:11.516 from close relationships, but from high achievement. Many of the 0:14:11.516 --> 0:14:15.556 men in Robert's studies spent their lives focused on accumulating money, accolades, 0:14:15.596 --> 0:14:16.356 and promotions. 0:14:16.716 --> 0:14:20.116 What we found in our study is that if people 0:14:21.036 --> 0:14:26.036 sacrificed their well being to work, they ended up looking 0:14:26.116 --> 0:14:29.236 back saying, gosh, that really wasn't worth it. When we 0:14:29.276 --> 0:14:31.996 asked people once they got to their eighties to look 0:14:32.036 --> 0:14:35.716 back on their lives and talk about what they regretted 0:14:35.796 --> 0:14:39.316 the most, the thing that people named the most often 0:14:39.716 --> 0:14:41.876 was I wish I had spent more time with the 0:14:41.916 --> 0:14:45.316 people who mattered to me. Now that doesn't mean you 0:14:45.356 --> 0:14:48.796 can't work hard. That doesn't mean you can't do meaningful work. 0:14:49.036 --> 0:14:51.876 It's the sacrifice of your own well being and the 0:14:51.876 --> 0:14:56.236 sacrifice of time with people you care about that turns 0:14:56.236 --> 0:14:59.036 out to fill people with regret. 0:14:59.356 --> 0:15:01.436 But the hard reality is that most of us do 0:15:01.516 --> 0:15:03.916 need to work, and that's one of the reasons Robert 0:15:03.956 --> 0:15:06.596 is such a big advocate of investing in work friendships. 0:15:07.076 --> 0:15:10.236 Think about how much time we spend at work. It's enormous. 0:15:10.556 --> 0:15:15.796 Why would you exclude interpersonal connections from that chunk of 0:15:15.916 --> 0:15:16.956 time in your life. 0:15:17.356 --> 0:15:20.316 I told Robert about Catherine who her lonely transition from 0:15:20.316 --> 0:15:23.076 college life and her disinterest in finding new friends at 0:15:23.076 --> 0:15:23.836 the office. 0:15:24.076 --> 0:15:26.276 Many of us have been in situations where we could 0:15:26.356 --> 0:15:28.556 take it for granted that be a lot of people 0:15:28.636 --> 0:15:32.196 around our age, many times with similar interests. So let's 0:15:32.196 --> 0:15:34.956 say in high school or college, and so we say, 0:15:35.116 --> 0:15:38.236 I've got that covered. I never have to really make 0:15:38.276 --> 0:15:40.516 an extra effort to make friends because we haven't been 0:15:40.556 --> 0:15:43.476 in situations where it was difficult. So really, it's when 0:15:43.476 --> 0:15:45.676 we get to the working world for the first time 0:15:45.716 --> 0:15:48.916 that we say, oh my gosh, actually it's not so easy. 0:15:49.436 --> 0:15:51.756 But Robert says that making friends at work really is 0:15:51.796 --> 0:15:54.276 worth the effort. It has a host of benefits we 0:15:54.356 --> 0:15:55.316 may not realize. 0:15:55.396 --> 0:15:57.716 I'm going to quote a study that I'm sure you know, 0:15:58.036 --> 0:16:01.636 which is from the Gallop organization that did a survey 0:16:01.676 --> 0:16:05.996 of fifteen million workers and they asked the question do 0:16:06.076 --> 0:16:08.996 you have a best friend at work? And what that 0:16:09.236 --> 0:16:12.396 meant was somebody you can talk to about what's going 0:16:12.476 --> 0:16:14.916 on in your life, in your personal life. 0:16:15.276 --> 0:16:17.956 Gallup found that around thirty percent of people said Yeah, 0:16:18.036 --> 0:16:20.316 I've got a best friend at work. And having that 0:16:20.396 --> 0:16:22.916 best friend seem to have a huge effect on people's 0:16:22.916 --> 0:16:24.036 performance on the job. 0:16:24.356 --> 0:16:28.076 They did better work according to their supervisors. They were 0:16:28.156 --> 0:16:31.716 less likely to jump around between jobs because they had 0:16:31.756 --> 0:16:34.836 people they wanted to show up for. The people who 0:16:34.956 --> 0:16:38.396 didn't have a best friend at work were much less 0:16:38.436 --> 0:16:43.796 engaged in their jobs. Making social connection of priority is 0:16:43.876 --> 0:16:47.036 not just good for our happiness, it's also good for 0:16:47.116 --> 0:16:49.956 the bottom line of any work organization. 0:16:50.596 --> 0:16:53.276 Making friends at work isn't a distraction or a waste 0:16:53.276 --> 0:16:56.116 of time. The Gallup data show that all these water 0:16:56.196 --> 0:16:59.716 cooler conversations may be the motivational engines that keep us 0:16:59.716 --> 0:17:00.596 engaged at work. 0:17:00.876 --> 0:17:04.516 That's also how new ideas get sparked, where you see 0:17:04.556 --> 0:17:07.916 a coworker who works in a completely different area of 0:17:07.956 --> 0:17:11.156 your workplace, who has a different take on things, and 0:17:11.236 --> 0:17:14.556 suddenly you get a new idea that sparks your own creativity. 0:17:14.756 --> 0:17:16.956 But Robert says that work friendships don't just make us 0:17:16.996 --> 0:17:20.516 more creative. Close relationships with co workers also help us 0:17:20.516 --> 0:17:24.436 handle problems more effectively, especially when our stress levels rise. 0:17:24.876 --> 0:17:27.876 What we find is that if we're good at bringing 0:17:27.916 --> 0:17:31.596 in other people to help us through difficulties and help 0:17:31.676 --> 0:17:34.556 us solve problems, that we're much better at our work. 0:17:34.596 --> 0:17:37.996 We're much stronger, both as people and as workers. 0:17:38.236 --> 0:17:41.076 These stress busting effects of a work bestie can also 0:17:41.156 --> 0:17:44.236 provide benefits to the people we care about outside the office. 0:17:44.436 --> 0:17:48.676 Over work and the stress that comes from loneliness at 0:17:48.716 --> 0:17:51.716 work means that we are more depleted when we go home, 0:17:51.876 --> 0:17:57.316 whereas if we are emotionally nurtured at work, if we 0:17:57.396 --> 0:18:00.676 take care of ourselves through connections at work, we've got 0:18:00.716 --> 0:18:03.916 more energy when we go home. Makes a big difference. 0:18:04.636 --> 0:18:07.236 A skeptic like Catherine, who might acknowledge some of these 0:18:07.276 --> 0:18:10.516 findings that work friendships may help us feel less stressed 0:18:10.556 --> 0:18:14.116 and perform more creatively. But Catherine might say, do these 0:18:14.156 --> 0:18:18.356 benefits of office camaraderie really outweigh the risks? After all, 0:18:18.476 --> 0:18:21.156 the core argument in Catherine's article was the becoming friends 0:18:21.196 --> 0:18:24.116 with coworkers and managers can leave you open to exploitation. 0:18:24.916 --> 0:18:27.676 It's harder, Catherine asserted, to ask a buddy for a raise, 0:18:28.116 --> 0:18:29.876 or to tell a friend that the assignment they want 0:18:29.916 --> 0:18:32.796 you to do falls outside your contractual duties. 0:18:32.756 --> 0:18:35.716 Is still a financial transaction fundamentally. 0:18:36.556 --> 0:18:39.156 Many of the readers who commented on Catherine's article agreed 0:18:39.716 --> 0:18:41.716 work should be a place to make money and guard 0:18:41.716 --> 0:18:45.836 your rights, unencumbered by any bonds of affection. Some readers 0:18:45.876 --> 0:18:49.716 even doubted that genuine work friendships were possible. Work friends 0:18:49.796 --> 0:18:54.036 end up screwing you over. One wrote, on balance, Catherine thinks. 0:18:54.036 --> 0:18:55.796 You can still do a good job at your workplace 0:18:55.876 --> 0:18:58.796 even if you're not best friends with your colleagues or 0:18:58.796 --> 0:18:59.436 your manager. 0:18:59.916 --> 0:19:02.476 But are we right to think of work fundamentally as 0:19:02.476 --> 0:19:05.836 a financial transaction or does that miss an important part 0:19:05.876 --> 0:19:07.796 of the sense of purpose we can get on the job. 0:19:09.156 --> 0:19:11.636 Name is Jan Emmanuel Dedev and I'm a professor of 0:19:11.676 --> 0:19:14.036 economics and behavioral science at the University of Axestor. 0:19:14.316 --> 0:19:17.116 Yon just completed one of my favorite new studies, one 0:19:17.156 --> 0:19:19.796 that upends many of our deeply held assumptions about the 0:19:19.836 --> 0:19:22.556 factors that are important for work life balance and for 0:19:22.676 --> 0:19:25.716 keeping us happy. Jan gave a huge sample of employees 0:19:25.756 --> 0:19:28.876 and managers a long list of possible sources of happiness 0:19:28.876 --> 0:19:29.676 at work, and we. 0:19:29.636 --> 0:19:32.436 Asked people, can you rank order these what is most 0:19:32.436 --> 0:19:33.876 important to you or your team. 0:19:34.116 --> 0:19:37.356 Their top pick, as you might guess, was compensation. The 0:19:37.396 --> 0:19:40.356 people he surveyed said salary was the most important thing 0:19:40.396 --> 0:19:44.276 for their happiness at work. So far, so unsurprising. But 0:19:44.356 --> 0:19:47.236 Jan wanted to test what really mattered for happiness at work, 0:19:47.676 --> 0:19:50.396 so he partnered with the job website Indeed, which just 0:19:50.436 --> 0:19:53.196 so happened to have surveyed actual work happiness in the 0:19:53.236 --> 0:19:56.356 over fifteen million workers who use their site. And this 0:19:56.516 --> 0:19:58.716 is where Yon's findings get kind of shocking. 0:19:59.236 --> 0:20:02.836 I think the most surprising bit for most people would 0:20:02.876 --> 0:20:06.236 have been the relative unimportance and income. 0:20:06.516 --> 0:20:09.116 The Indeed data showed that fair compensation was a dry 0:20:09.316 --> 0:20:11.716 of people's happiness at work, but it wasn't first on 0:20:11.756 --> 0:20:15.556 the list. It was sixth, like one, two, three, four, five, six. 0:20:16.196 --> 0:20:19.396 What was first on the list. It wasn't work life, flexibility, 0:20:19.556 --> 0:20:22.756 or having good management. The biggest driver of happiness on 0:20:22.796 --> 0:20:25.036 the job was having a sense of belonging at work, 0:20:25.516 --> 0:20:28.876 a metric that included three parts. The first was believing 0:20:28.916 --> 0:20:31.156 that there are people at work who care about you well. 0:20:31.156 --> 0:20:33.956 The company treats me as a human being. They see 0:20:33.956 --> 0:20:35.956 me as a human not just as an input in 0:20:35.996 --> 0:20:36.996 the production process. 0:20:37.196 --> 0:20:39.356