Speaker 1: Knowing this isn't good for me, but I don't want
Speaker 1: to be by myself or I don't want this to happen,
Speaker 1: So I'm just going to stay here in this bad
Speaker 1: situation that doesn't necessarily make me happy, but I'm comfortable
Speaker 1: that's codependency. I would stay in relationships that weren't good
Speaker 1: for me, and I knew it my gut, my intuition
Speaker 1: would tell me, and I would just stay in the
Speaker 1: relationship for the sake of not being alone. I've learned
Speaker 1: that it's so healthy and so beautiful to just be
Speaker 1: yourself and allow the other person to be themselves. Hello
Speaker 1: and happy Monday to all my lovely listeners. I hope
Speaker 1: you all are having a wonderful day while you're listening
Speaker 1: to Chicki's and Chill. Whether you're cooking, cleaning, or working out,
Speaker 1: either way, I hope you're having a really great one.
Speaker 1: Today's episode is going to be about something I struggled
Speaker 1: with for a long time, and I think it's something
Speaker 1: a lot of you can probably relate to. I'm talking
Speaker 1: about codependency. I'm going to open up about my experience
Speaker 1: with it, how it changed my life, and how I
Speaker 1: managed to break free from it. This is Cheeky's in
Speaker 1: chill all right, guys. So I want to start by
Speaker 1: telling you, guys my story. I've been codependent most of
Speaker 1: my life, not only in romantic relationships, but also with
Speaker 1: my friends and even with my family. I don't know
Speaker 1: where this codependency thing comes from. I want to say
Speaker 1: it's also issues with abandonment. The crazy thing is, I
Speaker 1: had a pretty nice childhood up until like I was
Speaker 1: eight years old, and that's when, you know, the whole
Speaker 1: sexual abuse with my dad happened. But I don't know.
Speaker 1: I've thought about this so much because my mom was
Speaker 1: a very independent woman, so I can't say that I
Speaker 1: got it from her. It could be from sexual abuse.
Speaker 1: And when I went to there before that, they did
Speaker 1: say that my constipation issues comes from that, my abandonment
Speaker 1: issues because I was always afraid of my mom leaving,
Speaker 1: or because my dad left, you know what I mean,
Speaker 1: Like he left and he ran away for ten years
Speaker 1: after I opened up about the sexual abuse, Like he
Speaker 1: was on the run for ten years, and then he finally,
Speaker 1: you know, showed up and he was caught and then
Speaker 1: he went to jail. So I think it's just like
Speaker 1: a series of things. But thank goodness, I've been able
Speaker 1: to like pinpoint it and pinpoint that codependency isn't good
Speaker 1: for so many reasons, and it really has affected my
Speaker 1: life and it affected a lot of my romantic relationships,
Speaker 1: a lot of my friendships. I was very territorial. I
Speaker 1: was very somewhat controlling. I think it was from the
Speaker 1: fear of losing people and wanting so bad to help
Speaker 1: them and for them to be their best selves or
Speaker 1: for them not to hurt them or do things that
Speaker 1: were going to affect them, that I would just hold
Speaker 1: on so tight and I would want to control the
Speaker 1: situation when in reality it's just not healthy, not for
Speaker 1: you or for the other person. And I think I
Speaker 1: did it with my mom. It was very territorial with
Speaker 1: my mom. You guys, I was just like, Okay, this
Speaker 1: is my job. I am the second mother in the home.
Speaker 1: You know. Even when new employees would come in, I
Speaker 1: was kind of like, uh, hello, who is this? You know,
Speaker 1: it was just her and I for so long that
Speaker 1: I just felt like I had to hold on tight.
Speaker 1: I had to protect her, I had to protect our home.
Speaker 1: My mom was married a few times. She had long
Speaker 1: term relationships like with Johnny and Jenica's dad. He was
Speaker 1: around and then he left, and I feel like maybe
Speaker 1: I wanted that father figure. So when they would come
Speaker 1: and then they would leave, or they would get divorced
Speaker 1: or separated, it was just it would just cause like anxiety.
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, wait, who else is going to leave?
Speaker 1: And little did I know what was going to happen.
Speaker 1: And I feel like I was like that most of
Speaker 1: my life, being afraid of being alone, of abandonment issues
Speaker 1: until twenty twelve, the year my mom passed. And that
Speaker 1: was like in like my late twenties, guys like where
Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, that's the last lesson. I always
Speaker 1: say always, that's the last lesson that my mom taught
Speaker 1: me was not to depend on anyone but myself. Obviously
Speaker 1: she didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't
Speaker 1: know what was going to happen. So when her and
Speaker 1: I had that issue two months before she passed that
Speaker 1: October of twenty twelve, when we had that fallout, you know,
Speaker 1: and she took my job and she asked me to
Speaker 1: move out. Well, actually no, that was in March of
Speaker 1: twenty twelve. Oh my god, that whole year Oh my goodness,
Speaker 1: you guys, that's crazy. Okay. So it was March of
Speaker 1: twenty twelve when she asked me, you know it's time
Speaker 1: for you to move out. You gotta spread your wings,
Speaker 1: you gotta fly. You can't work for me, you know,
Speaker 1: you got to move out. And I even suggested let
Speaker 1: me pay rent, and she was like no, like you
Speaker 1: need to be independent. You need to see what life
Speaker 1: is really about. Like she's like, I've overprotected you and
Speaker 1: I'm not allowing you to be your own woman. Of
Speaker 1: course I didn't understand it then, but I'm so grateful now.
Speaker 1: So that was March. Then we worked on a relationship
Speaker 1: with a daughter mother relationship because for so long we
Speaker 1: were like husband and wife and you know, we were
Speaker 1: business partners and it was just so much all in one.
Speaker 1: So after March we were just like working on our
Speaker 1: mother daughter relationship. It was really nice. We had really
Speaker 1: nice months, and then in October was when that whole
Speaker 1: fall out happened. So I just feel like it was
Speaker 1: preparing me for what was coming in December when she passed.
Speaker 1: So anyways, I feel like that whole year was preparing me.
Speaker 1: It was just preparation for my future self. It was
Speaker 1: very uncomfortable. I had to learn the hard way because
Speaker 1: there were many times before that that my soul or
Speaker 1: something would tell me you need to go find another job,
Speaker 1: something outside of your mom. But I was just so
Speaker 1: scared and I didn't want anyone else to come in
Speaker 1: and take my job. So that's codependency of like knowing
Speaker 1: this isn't good for me, but I don't want to
Speaker 1: be by myself or I don't want this to happen
Speaker 1: or that to happen, So I'm just going to stay
Speaker 1: here in this bad situation that doesn't necessarily make me happy,
Speaker 1: but I'm comfortable. And that's what happened so much, and
Speaker 1: it would come and go and the until finally the
Speaker 1: universe God was like, boom, let me do this for
Speaker 1: you because you're not taking action. So then that's what happened,
Speaker 1: And of course I was sad, and of course it
Speaker 1: was very very very hard. Thank goodness for therapy because
Speaker 1: it helped me through it. But it was like I
Speaker 1: went from my mom, like leaving my mom's house and
Speaker 1: not having so much responsibility with my siblings because that
Speaker 1: was another thing, like I was so attached to them,
Speaker 1: like I was like addicted, you guys to feeling needed.
Speaker 1: I needed to be needed. That was because I guess
Speaker 1: I just didn't know what I wanted to do with
Speaker 1: my life. Then my whole life was my mom, my siblings,
Speaker 1: and my mom's building, my mom's empire, and it was
Speaker 1: just her her. I remember back then, I would think, like,
Speaker 1: I'm going to grow old with my mom. I'm never
Speaker 1: going to leave her side. I'm going to work for
Speaker 1: her forever. I want to make her life easier. I
Speaker 1: want to make her life better, not knowing that that's
Speaker 1: not healthy, Like I was suffocating her in a way
Speaker 1: and not allowing her to be the mother she needed
Speaker 1: to be to the kids. And her home probably didn't
Speaker 1: feel like her home because I was again, like so
Speaker 1: in on everything that I think she needed me to
Speaker 1: move out of the way so she could step in
Speaker 1: and take charge of her own life. So it's just
Speaker 1: like so many different things, but it all comes down
Speaker 1: to like codependency and me being so attached to my mom.
Speaker 1: So anyways, when all that happened and I moved out,
Speaker 1: then I started being co dependent on my friends. So
Speaker 1: I went from one thing to another, and I had
Speaker 1: really good friends. Then I'm sure you guys remember them
Speaker 1: if you guys watched shek's in Roxy and she is
Speaker 1: in control like the reality shows. Like you saw a
Speaker 1: lot of my very good friends back then, which were Diana,
Speaker 1: Ellen Jerald, Julie, Brianna. Brianna Juli are still in my
Speaker 1: life and Diana a little bit. We talked in Ellen
Speaker 1: Jerald I don't talk too but anyways, those were like
Speaker 1: my key friends and they really did help me through
Speaker 1: that tough time in my life. Guys like I. It
Speaker 1: was tough, but I became codependent on them, like I
Speaker 1: felt like I needed to have someone around at all times.
Speaker 1: Why it was just because I didn't know anything else,
Speaker 1: Like if it wasn't one of the kids, it was
Speaker 1: my mom, I was doing something for someone else. Like
Speaker 1: I was finally like, Okay, this is life and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna live it for myself, Like what am I going
Speaker 1: to do? And that's when I started realizing the importance
Speaker 1: of education, of getting something for yourself, because that's something
Speaker 1: you can put under your belt and no one can
Speaker 1: ever take that away from you. And I didn't have
Speaker 1: that because I was so engrossed in my mom's life.
Speaker 1: So there I am at freaking twenty six years old,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, Okay, what am I gonna do. That's
Speaker 1: when I opened up my salon. I invested what I
Speaker 1: had gotten from the reality, and I opened up my
Speaker 1: salon and my friends were there. And I was depressed,
Speaker 1: especially in October when my mom and I weren't talking
Speaker 1: and I did. I had suicidal thoughts. And thank goodness
Speaker 1: for those friends. They would not leave me alone. They
Speaker 1: knew we cannot leave her by herself because something's going
Speaker 1: to happen, so they would take turns you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, basically babysitting me those two months October November December.
Speaker 1: It was very, very tough. So I became very dependent
Speaker 1: and codependent on them. And fast forwarding to like I
Speaker 1: don't know what, twenty sixteen or something like those. That's
Speaker 1: why those friends were no longer in my life because
Speaker 1: it was just too much attachment, unhealthy unhealthy attachment. Even
Speaker 1: with my siblings. You guys, we were having like a
Speaker 1: conversation the other day here and we were having a
Speaker 1: meeting at my house and we were talking about how
Speaker 1: attached we were to a point where it was just
Speaker 1: too much. That's what we were taught now we're growing up. Now,
Speaker 1: it's like we're kind of learning to separate ourselves in
Speaker 1: a health healthy way. We are learning to respect each
Speaker 1: other as individuals. And now as the older sister who
Speaker 1: used to be the mom, also very co dependent on
Speaker 1: them and their approval and them being okay and them
Speaker 1: needing me, all that stuff was so unhealthy that I
Speaker 1: was also not allowing them to be who they need
Speaker 1: to be, who they're meant to be. So we were
Speaker 1: talking about all that, and I'm just like, WHOA, Like
Speaker 1: it's been a lot, and it's all out of love,
Speaker 1: to be honest, Like, I've learned that I used to
Speaker 1: hold on to people just out of love, not wanting
Speaker 1: to lose them, but that's not necessarily healthy. I'm telling
Speaker 1: you all of this because it's something that's very real
Speaker 1: and sometimes we don't even realize it when we're doing it.
Speaker 1: We don't realize it. And I've learned that it's so
Speaker 1: healthy and so beautiful to just be yourself and allow
Speaker 1: the other person to be themselves and respecting each other's
Speaker 1: space and respecting each other's decisions, and it's just it
Speaker 1: brings so much peace, Like it's just so much better
Speaker 1: and I see that in this relationship that I have
Speaker 1: now with Emilia, because I thrive on being me, on
Speaker 1: being my individual self, of course, growing and becoming a
Speaker 1: better me for my relationship, but not wanting to be
Speaker 1: everything the other person wants me to be for the
Speaker 1: sake of the relationship, if that makes sense, because those
Speaker 1: are mistakes I made in the past in my relationships.
Speaker 1: I would stay in relationships that weren't good for me,
Speaker 1: and I knew it my gut, my intuition would tell me,
Speaker 1: and I would just stay in the relationship for the
Speaker 1: sake of not being alone, of settling to settle, of
Speaker 1: wanting to maybe even break generational curses like saying okay.
Speaker 1: I would see and I watched my mom go from
Speaker 1: relationship to relationship that I was like, okay, I want
Speaker 1: to be different. That I was staying in relationships that
Speaker 1: weren't healthy for me and for the other person, either
Speaker 1: wanting to have control, like I was in a relationship
Speaker 1: and I'm not going to say who that was more
Speaker 1: controlling over me, like wanted to know everything I was
Speaker 1: doing at all times. I even think that sometimes he
Speaker 1: would have people follow me or he had some type
Speaker 1: of track around me. It was crazy, but I stayed
Speaker 1: in that relationship because I felt like he was a
Speaker 1: protector and a provider the way my mom was. So
Speaker 1: there was something I needed to learn and heal through
Speaker 1: that relationship because I learned, as much as I'm grateful
Speaker 1: with that person, that's not healthy for someone to control
Speaker 1: you that much, where it's like, oh, you're showing way
Speaker 1: too much cleavage, go change, And I would go change,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, okay, But I knew in my heart
Speaker 1: like this doesn't feel like I want to be myself.
Speaker 1: I'm still young, I want to be sexy, Like what
Speaker 1: the heck, you're not even my husband, dude, and you're
Speaker 1: like trying to control my whole life like everything, every aspect,
Speaker 1: my career, everything. But again, I stayed in that relationship
Speaker 1: for the sake of not being alone and because I
Speaker 1: did feel protected and he was a provider and he
Speaker 1: reminded me a lot of my mom. To be honest,
Speaker 1: I just wanted that familiar feeling that my mom would
Speaker 1: give me. And then I got into another relationship where
Speaker 1: it was like I felt a little bit more free.
Speaker 1: I wasn't as control, that could be myself. I could
Speaker 1: wear whatever I wanted. But he was a very free spirit,
Speaker 1: which is great, but he was into things that I
Speaker 1: wasn't into. I'm not gonna say what, but read my
Speaker 1: book if you want to know the details, Unstoppable. But
Speaker 1: he was just into things that I wasn't into, and
Speaker 1: he would do a lot of things that would make
Speaker 1: me feel uncomfortable. So I was in this relationship where
Speaker 1: I felt a little bit more free than my previous relationship.
Speaker 1: I was like, Okay, cool, I could just be myself
Speaker 1: and we're silly and we're like homies or whatever. But
Speaker 1: when it came down to real shit, real life stuff,
Speaker 1: I couldn't depend on him. There was no emotional stability,
Speaker 1: and I knew it from the very beginning. And I
Speaker 1: saw many red flags in both relationships, and I would
Speaker 1: just ignore them because I was codependent, because I wanted
Speaker 1: someone there, because I didn't want to be alone, because
Speaker 1: I just wanted to make it work, and because he
Speaker 1: would get lost and I couldn't find him for freaking
Speaker 1: hours and then he would tell me I'm gonna go
Speaker 1: to sleep, and then I would find out on Snapchat
Speaker 1: that he was out partying. That it was just it
Speaker 1: really caused a lot of insecurities in me that I
Speaker 1: had never experienced before. But I stayed in both relationships
Speaker 1: for over four years. I stayed because again codependency, you guys.
Speaker 1: But I ignored those damn red flags and that feeling in
Speaker 1: my gut that said, this isn't right. But I would
Speaker 1: make excuses. Well, I mean we have fun together. I
Speaker 1: mean we party and like he's a great dancer and
Speaker 1: all this stuff. Like I would make excuses, but it's
Speaker 1: like all the pons would outweigh the pros, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, Like all of like, wait, I have
Speaker 1: fun with this person, he's entertaining. But when it comes
Speaker 1: down to me just sitting down and realizing am I
Speaker 1: really happy? It was always like no, I am so sad.
Speaker 1: I have so much anxiety. I can't sleep at night.
Speaker 1: It was just stuff that now I realize is just
Speaker 1: not good. So going back to when my mom passed,
Speaker 1: because I was in twenty twelve, and these relationships happen
Speaker 1: mainly after my mom passed, so I was still I
Speaker 1: think that was the beginning that lesson my mom wanted
Speaker 1: me to learn was don't depend on anyone, because when
Speaker 1: she pulled everything right under me, like all my work
Speaker 1: and my job and basically my identity. That was like
Speaker 1: the beginning of it. But I still hadn't learned my lesson.
Speaker 1: So I had to go through these relationships to really
Speaker 1: really realize that loving yourself and being happy and fulfilled
Speaker 1: with being alone is the most important thing. Learning that
Speaker 1: you don't need anyone. You shouldn't need anyone. It's wanting
Speaker 1: to have these people in your life, wanting to have
Speaker 1: healthy friendships, wanting to have a healthy relationship, like I've
Speaker 1: told Emilio, like I love you, but I don't need you.
Speaker 1: I want you. I choose to have you in my life,
Speaker 1: and I want to be healthy for you. Because I'm
Speaker 1: not saying that they were all bad my past relationships
Speaker 1: because of certain things that happen, it would bring out
Speaker 1: the worst in me. Anyone that brings out the worst
Speaker 1: in you, that's a red flag. Bottom line. The person
Speaker 1: that you are with your friends, your family should bring
Speaker 1: out the best in you, should really like make you
Speaker 1: want to just be better for yourself and for your relationship,
Speaker 1: whether it be a love relationship a business relationship like
Speaker 1: it is, they're supposed to bring out the best in you.
Speaker 1: Now I know that, but again, I'm grateful for my past,
Speaker 1: and again, I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes. I maybe
Speaker 1: suffocated a shit out of my relationships, especially like my
Speaker 1: past relationship, because I just I wanted to hold on
Speaker 1: and I'm like, dude, can you just see me? Like
Speaker 1: I really love you, I really want to make this work,
Speaker 1: like I'm good for you, Like I want you to
Speaker 1: be the best version of yourself. But you can't force it.
Speaker 1: You cannot control the shit out of someone and make
Speaker 1: them change if they're not ready to change, Like that's
Speaker 1: something they have to learn. And that's what I was like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I just have to let this person go and let
Speaker 1: them be free and live their life the way they
Speaker 1: want to live, and they will find a partner that's
Speaker 1: gonna be okay with that. And I have to be
Speaker 1: okay with not being the right fit for him or
Speaker 1: forcing my foot in a shoe that just doesn't fit,
Speaker 1: because when you do that, what happens. Blisters happen, you're uncomfortable,
Speaker 1: your feet hurt. Like I had to give myself visuals
Speaker 1: like that in order to just get it through my
Speaker 1: head until I said, I have to let go. As
Speaker 1: much as I love this person, I have to let
Speaker 1: this person go because it's just not healthy for me.
Speaker 1: And that's when I think in twenty twenty, was it, Yeah,
Speaker 1: where it clicked, you guys, where I was like, I
Speaker 1: need to be alone. And I'm not saying that after
Speaker 1: that separation, I didn't get myself in any sticky situation,
Speaker 1: because I did, and then it blew up in my
Speaker 1: face and I was like, what the heck just for
Speaker 1: not being alone, for not really giving yourself the time
Speaker 1: to heal. And I learned. I learned again the hard way.
Speaker 1: So now I'm like, I'm tired of learning the hard way.
Speaker 1: I got to learn the right way. I got to
Speaker 1: just start like learning my lessons and being smart and
Speaker 1: listening to my intuition and not ignoring that because it
Speaker 1: has caused me so many freaking problems, unnecessary problems to
Speaker 1: ignore and ignore for the sake of not hurting people's
Speaker 1: feelings of getting their approval. That's another thing that I
Speaker 1: did with my mom, was like I wanted her approval
Speaker 1: so much that I just didn't realize that I wasn't
Speaker 1: really living my true self because I was always seeking
Speaker 1: someone's approval and people pleasing. That's something that i've dealt
Speaker 1: with my whole life. Now it just feels great to
Speaker 1: be in a healthy relationship for the first time in
Speaker 1: my life where I really desire because I learned from
Speaker 1: my past relationship that I cannot control him. I don't
Speaker 1: want to control him. I want him to be himself.
Speaker 1: I want him to go out with his friends. He has,
Speaker 1: like I've told you guys before, he has beautiful friends,
Speaker 1: beautiful best friends, female friends. He's a photographer. He photographs
Speaker 1: beautiful women. And I'm just like, well, it is what
Speaker 1: it is. I cannot control he's gonna do. And if
Speaker 1: he's gonna do something stupid, then I leave it in
Speaker 1: God's hands that he will show me if he's doing
Speaker 1: anything bad so that I can excuse myself from this situation,
Speaker 1: from this relationship. And I have faith in that. And
Speaker 1: now I'm like, I'm not gonna torment my mind trying
Speaker 1: to see what he's doing and where he's at. And again,
Speaker 1: he doesn't give me those issues though. If he's gonna
Speaker 1: be out late, hey I'm out. I'll be home at
Speaker 1: this time. Like I never have to worry about that.
Speaker 1: I can't reach him. He also does his part, so
Speaker 1: I just feel like it also depends on the person
Speaker 1: that you're going to be with. When I'm talking about
Speaker 1: like a relationship, like a significant other, they need to
Speaker 1: be on the same page. And you're gonna know that
Speaker 1: right away, Like honestly, you're gonna know, Okay, is this
Speaker 1: person taking me seriously? Is this person really like on
Speaker 1: the same page? Do we want the same things? Like
Speaker 1: they're gonna put in the same amount of effort as
Speaker 1: you are. And I think that that's where I'm at finally,
Speaker 1: And I still want to be myself and I still
Speaker 1: want to do the things that make me happy, and
Speaker 1: I want to just be in a relationship to have
Speaker 1: a companion for life and to do things with and
Speaker 1: experience things and go on trips and stuff like that,
Speaker 1: not because I need it, because I don't want to
Speaker 1: be alone. Like it's so different. It's just something just changed.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I am tired of learning the hard way.
Speaker 1: I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to change,
Speaker 1: I want to be better. I want to not make
Speaker 1: the same mistakes I made in my past, especially in
Speaker 1: my relationship and my romantic relationships, because I want it
Speaker 1: to work. So what do I have to do different?
Speaker 1: There has to be some type of change and change.
Speaker 1: I always say this you guys, is not comfortable. It's
Speaker 1: not always easy. It's actually very uncomfortable when you are
Speaker 1: making a life change. Pain is a past or promotion.
Speaker 1: I have said that before, Like when you're going through it,
Speaker 1: it's like, Okay, this pain is going to turn into growth,
Speaker 1: is going to turn into power. This pain is going
Speaker 1: to turn into strength. And that's what I've learned. And
Speaker 1: that's just with romantic relationships. Now, with like my friendships,
Speaker 1: that's another thing. I felt like in order to keep
Speaker 1: my friends around and I needed to like pay for
Speaker 1: their things, and I was always the one that would
Speaker 1: pick up the bill. And now I'm like, no, I
Speaker 1: want to have healthy relationships. I want to have friends
Speaker 1: that even if I don't call them every single day,
Speaker 1: it's not like, well, why haven't you called me? And
Speaker 1: you know I had those type of friendships before, and
Speaker 1: me too, I was like that too. I'm like, okay,
Speaker 1: why didn't you call me and you didn't think about
Speaker 1: me and you didn't invite me. That's so childish. Now
Speaker 1: I'm like, no, we're grown. If I don't talk to
Speaker 1: my best friend in days, it's not like the world
Speaker 1: is going to like be over, it's going to like
Speaker 1: freaking end. It's hey, she's busy, I'm busy. We'll catch
Speaker 1: up and we'll have dinner, and most importantly, we'll split
Speaker 1: the bill, because that's how it should be. It should
Speaker 1: be fair. Sometimes yeah, hey, I'll pick up the bill,
Speaker 1: or she'll pick up the bill and like or we
Speaker 1: go fifty to fifty. But it's just like that has
Speaker 1: changed as well, and I feel so much happier. I've
Speaker 1: learned to just really release even family members that are
Speaker 1: not good for me from my heart. And I'm not
Speaker 1: trying to seek anyone's approval and I'm not even trying
Speaker 1: to have their negative opinions or what I should shouldn't
Speaker 1: be doing in my life. It's what I'm meant to do.
Speaker 1: And if you are not going to align with that
Speaker 1: and make me happy, and you're causing me more like
Speaker 1: stress by you know what I mean, And I am
Speaker 1: unapologetic about that for a long time. I'm like, no,
Speaker 1: I have to like stay close to my family and
Speaker 1: all that toxic loyalty that we've talked about in previous episodes,
Speaker 1: and I'm so much happier. You guys just saying we
Speaker 1: got to live and let live and it's okay if
Speaker 1: people love you differently than you love And even with
Speaker 1: my siblings, I'm telling you, we were talking about it
Speaker 1: the other day and we were just like, you know what.
Speaker 1: As the eldest sister, I know that I put a
Speaker 1: lot of pressure on you guys, and I've been very like,
Speaker 1: we have to stay together, and yes, that's a promise
Speaker 1: I made to my mother. Yes we have to stay together.
Speaker 1: And if we have issues and we have disagreements or
Speaker 1: it's going to happen, because God, everyone has their opinions
Speaker 1: and everyone is like very strong willed. All of my
Speaker 1: siblings are. We all are. But I have to allow
Speaker 1: them to still process their feelings and not force anything.
Speaker 1: And I apologize to them and I'm like, Okay, I
Speaker 1: don't want to be that type of sister. I want
Speaker 1: you guys to feel free to be yourselves, to be
Speaker 1: your individual self and not feel like you have to
Speaker 1: hide anything from me because you're going to disappoint me.
Speaker 1: Because maybe I did put some pressure on them. It's
Speaker 1: kind of like a second mom to them. So now
Speaker 1: I'm like, I want to be the sister I want
Speaker 1: you guys to come to me, and I want to
Speaker 1: be able to guide you and not feel like we're
Speaker 1: just freaking tied to the hip. And yeah, and we're
Speaker 1: all happier and it's better. So my point with this
Speaker 1: whole codependency episode, more than anything, is for you guys,
Speaker 1: to realize if perhaps some of the things I've mentioned
Speaker 1: you are doing or have done, or you recognize someone
Speaker 1: else's doing, because it's not healthy. I'm telling you long term,
Speaker 1: it's just no matter what type of relationship it is,
Speaker 1: there's no way that it's going to work. It's just
Speaker 1: we're not meant as human beings to be that tied
Speaker 1: and intertwined. We are here to figure out who we are,
Speaker 1: what we're meant to be, who we're meant to be,
Speaker 1: what we're meant to do, what we're meant to change.
Speaker 1: We are here to live our life, and every relationship
Speaker 1: should be a compliment to your life, not I need
Speaker 1: you in order to be who I am and to
Speaker 1: accomplish what I'm going to accomplish. And I'm not saying
Speaker 1: that I'm fixed forever, because there are times when i
Speaker 1: feel like I'm going into my toxic traits, especially in
Speaker 1: my relationship and since I recognize it now and I
Speaker 1: know the things I want to change and the things
Speaker 1: that I don't like about myself. Now it's like it's
Speaker 1: clear obviously through reading books, through my therapy, like it's
Speaker 1: helped me recognize it, and through my past mistakes where
Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I don't want to do that again.
Speaker 1: What I do now is I'm like, you know what,
Speaker 1: let me excuse myself from this argument, go think and
Speaker 1: come back and apologize. Now, I'm like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I don't like how I'm acting. I don't have peace
Speaker 1: with it because sometimes the ego will take over. You guys,
Speaker 1: that's just we all have it. We all have to
Speaker 1: work at it every single day to not let it
Speaker 1: take over. Because the ego is dark, you know what
Speaker 1: I mean, so that you have to really fill it
Speaker 1: with light every single day because if not, it will
Speaker 1: take over. So I now ask myself to just relax.
Speaker 1: I take a deep breath, and I'm like, okay, hold on,
Speaker 1: I don't like this. I recognize that this is a
Speaker 1: negative trait that I don't like, and I don't like
Speaker 1: how it makes me feel that. I'm like, okay, I'm
Speaker 1: going to humble myself and apologize if I have hurt
Speaker 1: someone's feelings, if I have said something out of line.
Speaker 1: So it all depends what your negative trait is, but
Speaker 1: it's for sure super important to recognize them and know
Speaker 1: I want to change. I want to be different. And
Speaker 1: here goes a word again, be intentional in saying, Okay,
Speaker 1: every day, I'm gonna strive to be different. I'm going
Speaker 1: to strive to be better. I want to be better,
Speaker 1: you know. So it's in everyday thing, guys, And don't
Speaker 1: beat yourself up about it. If you are like going
Speaker 1: through the process of breaking chains and breaking past traumas
Speaker 1: or codependency or people pleasing like it's okay, It's gonna
Speaker 1: take time and it's gonna take a few mistakes in
Speaker 1: order for you to really like for it to click,
Speaker 1: and for you to say, hey, I'm gonna stop this
Speaker 1: because this is not making me happy or making anyone
Speaker 1: around me happy. And I always say it, the only
Speaker 1: way that I can help you, guys, is by being
Speaker 1: honest and vulnerable and transparent. And this is what chegese
Speaker 1: and chill is all about. So even if somebody y'all
Speaker 1: thought I was perfect, uh uh, I have really done
Speaker 1: the work, and I'm very proud of myself and every
Speaker 1: day I'm like, I want to be better, I want
Speaker 1: to change for the better. I want to be the
Speaker 1: best version of myself. Like that's one of the things
Speaker 1: that I pray about and I meditate on every single day.
Speaker 1: It's gonna be something that we're gonna work on every
Speaker 1: single day. The best advice I can give you, guys,
Speaker 1: from the bottom of my heart. And I don't know
Speaker 1: why I felt it, but I felt like I needed
Speaker 1: to talk about this topic. I hope you all learned
Speaker 1: a lot from this episode and that some of the
Speaker 1: things I said resonate with you. And just a reminder,
Speaker 1: I'm not a doctor or a professional of any kind,
Speaker 1: you guys. This is just my story about codependency and
Speaker 1: what it looks like in my life and how I've
Speaker 1: done the work to become a better and stronger version
Speaker 1: of myself. And before we go, I want to leave
Speaker 1: you all with some words to get through the week.
Speaker 1: Today's motivational quote is vulnerability is terrifying. The courage it
Speaker 1: takes to reveal your heart is one of the most
Speaker 1: daunting and yet rewarding experiences in your life. It will
Speaker 1: set you free. I hope that you like that quote
Speaker 1: and it helps you throughout the week. And that's it you, guys,
Speaker 1: We've reached the end of today's episode. We'll be back
Speaker 1: on Wednesday with an episode of Dear Cheeky's, so be
Speaker 1: sure to tune in to see if I answered your
Speaker 1: question this week. I love you, guys, and I appreciate
Speaker 1: you each and every single one of you from the
Speaker 1: bottom of my heart. Do you need advice on love, relationships,
Speaker 1: health emails? I'm so excited to share with you that
Speaker 1: my Cheeky's and Chill podcast will have an extra episode
Speaker 1: drop each week. I'll be answering all your questions.
Speaker 2: Just leave me a voice message person on Monday. All
Speaker 2: you have to do is go to speak pipe dot com,
Speaker 2: slash Cheeky's and Chill Podcast and record your questions.
Speaker 1: I can't wait to hear from you. This is a
Speaker 1: production of iHeartRadio and the Michaudura podcast Network. Follow us
Speaker 1: on Instagram at Michael Dura Podcasts and follow me Cheeky's
Speaker 1: That's c Chi to u s. For more podcasts from iHeart,
Speaker 1: visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen
Speaker 1: to your favorite podcast and check us out on YouTube.
Speaker 2: H