WEBVTT - My Battle with Codependency 0:00:03.760 --> 0:00:05.560 Knowing this isn't good for me, but I don't want 0:00:05.600 --> 0:00:07.280 to be by myself or I don't want this to happen, 0:00:07.320 --> 0:00:08.760 So I'm just going to stay here in this bad 0:00:08.800 --> 0:00:12.200 situation that doesn't necessarily make me happy, but I'm comfortable 0:00:12.320 --> 0:00:17.439 that's codependency. I would stay in relationships that weren't good 0:00:17.440 --> 0:00:20.480 for me, and I knew it my gut, my intuition 0:00:20.520 --> 0:00:21.799 would tell me, and I would just stay in the 0:00:21.800 --> 0:00:24.960 relationship for the sake of not being alone. I've learned 0:00:24.960 --> 0:00:28.240 that it's so healthy and so beautiful to just be 0:00:28.360 --> 0:00:39.480 yourself and allow the other person to be themselves. Hello 0:00:39.960 --> 0:00:42.880 and happy Monday to all my lovely listeners. I hope 0:00:42.920 --> 0:00:45.320 you all are having a wonderful day while you're listening 0:00:45.360 --> 0:00:48.880 to Chicki's and Chill. Whether you're cooking, cleaning, or working out, 0:00:49.159 --> 0:00:51.800 either way, I hope you're having a really great one. 0:00:52.159 --> 0:00:54.680 Today's episode is going to be about something I struggled 0:00:54.720 --> 0:00:57.240 with for a long time, and I think it's something 0:00:57.280 --> 0:00:59.640 a lot of you can probably relate to. I'm talking 0:00:59.680 --> 0:01:03.279 about codependency. I'm going to open up about my experience 0:01:03.280 --> 0:01:05.679 with it, how it changed my life, and how I 0:01:05.800 --> 0:01:08.720 managed to break free from it. This is Cheeky's in 0:01:08.840 --> 0:01:19.360 chill all right, guys. So I want to start by 0:01:19.360 --> 0:01:21.760 telling you, guys my story. I've been codependent most of 0:01:21.760 --> 0:01:24.840 my life, not only in romantic relationships, but also with 0:01:24.880 --> 0:01:29.200 my friends and even with my family. I don't know 0:01:29.280 --> 0:01:33.280 where this codependency thing comes from. I want to say 0:01:33.720 --> 0:01:38.360 it's also issues with abandonment. The crazy thing is, I 0:01:38.400 --> 0:01:43.160 had a pretty nice childhood up until like I was 0:01:43.200 --> 0:01:46.119 eight years old, and that's when, you know, the whole 0:01:46.160 --> 0:01:49.480 sexual abuse with my dad happened. But I don't know. 0:01:49.520 --> 0:01:52.800 I've thought about this so much because my mom was 0:01:52.840 --> 0:01:56.120 a very independent woman, so I can't say that I 0:01:56.160 --> 0:01:59.800 got it from her. It could be from sexual abuse. 0:01:59.840 --> 0:02:03.120 And when I went to there before that, they did 0:02:03.160 --> 0:02:08.799 say that my constipation issues comes from that, my abandonment 0:02:08.840 --> 0:02:12.480 issues because I was always afraid of my mom leaving, 0:02:12.840 --> 0:02:16.079 or because my dad left, you know what I mean, 0:02:16.120 --> 0:02:18.560 Like he left and he ran away for ten years 0:02:19.240 --> 0:02:22.040 after I opened up about the sexual abuse, Like he 0:02:22.120 --> 0:02:24.720 was on the run for ten years, and then he finally, 0:02:25.000 --> 0:02:27.839 you know, showed up and he was caught and then 0:02:27.880 --> 0:02:30.000 he went to jail. So I think it's just like 0:02:30.040 --> 0:02:34.040 a series of things. But thank goodness, I've been able 0:02:34.080 --> 0:02:38.360 to like pinpoint it and pinpoint that codependency isn't good 0:02:38.600 --> 0:02:42.440 for so many reasons, and it really has affected my 0:02:42.560 --> 0:02:45.519 life and it affected a lot of my romantic relationships, 0:02:45.560 --> 0:02:49.160 a lot of my friendships. I was very territorial. I 0:02:49.240 --> 0:02:52.520 was very somewhat controlling. I think it was from the 0:02:52.560 --> 0:02:56.679 fear of losing people and wanting so bad to help 0:02:56.720 --> 0:02:59.079 them and for them to be their best selves or 0:02:59.120 --> 0:03:00.760 for them not to hurt them or do things that 0:03:00.800 --> 0:03:02.919 were going to affect them, that I would just hold 0:03:02.960 --> 0:03:04.680 on so tight and I would want to control the 0:03:04.720 --> 0:03:08.280 situation when in reality it's just not healthy, not for 0:03:08.400 --> 0:03:11.480 you or for the other person. And I think I 0:03:11.560 --> 0:03:14.280 did it with my mom. It was very territorial with 0:03:14.280 --> 0:03:16.720 my mom. You guys, I was just like, Okay, this 0:03:16.800 --> 0:03:20.360 is my job. I am the second mother in the home. 0:03:20.720 --> 0:03:22.960 You know. Even when new employees would come in, I 0:03:23.040 --> 0:03:25.520 was kind of like, uh, hello, who is this? You know, 0:03:26.200 --> 0:03:29.760 it was just her and I for so long that 0:03:30.080 --> 0:03:31.520 I just felt like I had to hold on tight. 0:03:31.560 --> 0:03:33.840 I had to protect her, I had to protect our home. 0:03:34.320 --> 0:03:36.960 My mom was married a few times. She had long 0:03:37.040 --> 0:03:40.560 term relationships like with Johnny and Jenica's dad. He was 0:03:40.600 --> 0:03:44.640 around and then he left, and I feel like maybe 0:03:44.800 --> 0:03:48.080 I wanted that father figure. So when they would come 0:03:48.120 --> 0:03:49.760 and then they would leave, or they would get divorced 0:03:49.840 --> 0:03:55.720 or separated, it was just it would just cause like anxiety. 0:03:55.760 --> 0:03:57.560 I'm like, okay, wait, who else is going to leave? 0:03:58.200 --> 0:04:00.320 And little did I know what was going to happen. 0:04:00.920 --> 0:04:03.560 And I feel like I was like that most of 0:04:03.560 --> 0:04:10.760 my life, being afraid of being alone, of abandonment issues 0:04:11.560 --> 0:04:15.480 until twenty twelve, the year my mom passed. And that 0:04:15.600 --> 0:04:17.839 was like in like my late twenties, guys like where 0:04:17.880 --> 0:04:20.960 I was like, Okay, that's the last lesson. I always 0:04:21.000 --> 0:04:24.200 say always, that's the last lesson that my mom taught 0:04:24.200 --> 0:04:28.279 me was not to depend on anyone but myself. Obviously 0:04:28.320 --> 0:04:29.760 she didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't 0:04:29.760 --> 0:04:31.440 know what was going to happen. So when her and 0:04:31.480 --> 0:04:34.960 I had that issue two months before she passed that 0:04:35.040 --> 0:04:38.839 October of twenty twelve, when we had that fallout, you know, 0:04:38.920 --> 0:04:43.080 and she took my job and she asked me to 0:04:43.120 --> 0:04:45.760 move out. Well, actually no, that was in March of 0:04:45.800 --> 0:04:48.240 twenty twelve. Oh my god, that whole year Oh my goodness, 0:04:48.279 --> 0:04:51.120 you guys, that's crazy. Okay. So it was March of 0:04:51.160 --> 0:04:53.440 twenty twelve when she asked me, you know it's time 0:04:53.440 --> 0:04:55.599 for you to move out. You gotta spread your wings, 0:04:55.640 --> 0:04:58.760 you gotta fly. You can't work for me, you know, 0:04:58.800 --> 0:05:00.960 you got to move out. And I even suggested let 0:05:00.960 --> 0:05:03.240 me pay rent, and she was like no, like you 0:05:03.440 --> 0:05:07.080 need to be independent. You need to see what life 0:05:07.160 --> 0:05:10.600 is really about. Like she's like, I've overprotected you and 0:05:10.680 --> 0:05:13.839 I'm not allowing you to be your own woman. Of 0:05:13.880 --> 0:05:16.320 course I didn't understand it then, but I'm so grateful now. 0:05:16.839 --> 0:05:20.000 So that was March. Then we worked on a relationship 0:05:20.279 --> 0:05:22.600 with a daughter mother relationship because for so long we 0:05:22.600 --> 0:05:25.400 were like husband and wife and you know, we were 0:05:26.320 --> 0:05:29.160 business partners and it was just so much all in one. 0:05:29.320 --> 0:05:31.800 So after March we were just like working on our 0:05:31.800 --> 0:05:34.440 mother daughter relationship. It was really nice. We had really 0:05:34.640 --> 0:05:37.200 nice months, and then in October was when that whole 0:05:37.200 --> 0:05:39.680 fall out happened. So I just feel like it was 0:05:39.680 --> 0:05:42.200 preparing me for what was coming in December when she passed. 0:05:42.400 --> 0:05:45.120 So anyways, I feel like that whole year was preparing me. 0:05:45.240 --> 0:05:48.800 It was just preparation for my future self. It was 0:05:48.960 --> 0:05:52.039 very uncomfortable. I had to learn the hard way because 0:05:52.080 --> 0:05:55.120 there were many times before that that my soul or 0:05:55.160 --> 0:05:58.440 something would tell me you need to go find another job, 0:05:58.520 --> 0:06:00.800 something outside of your mom. But I was just so 0:06:00.920 --> 0:06:03.320 scared and I didn't want anyone else to come in 0:06:03.360 --> 0:06:07.200 and take my job. So that's codependency of like knowing 0:06:07.760 --> 0:06:09.120 this isn't good for me, but I don't want to 0:06:09.120 --> 0:06:10.720 be by myself or I don't want this to happen 0:06:10.800 --> 0:06:12.360 or that to happen, So I'm just going to stay 0:06:12.400 --> 0:06:15.640 here in this bad situation that doesn't necessarily make me happy, 0:06:16.080 --> 0:06:20.240 but I'm comfortable. And that's what happened so much, and 0:06:20.279 --> 0:06:23.560 it would come and go and the until finally the 0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:26.520 universe God was like, boom, let me do this for 0:06:26.560 --> 0:06:30.599 you because you're not taking action. So then that's what happened, 0:06:31.000 --> 0:06:32.640 And of course I was sad, and of course it 0:06:32.680 --> 0:06:35.159 was very very very hard. Thank goodness for therapy because 0:06:35.200 --> 0:06:37.720 it helped me through it. But it was like I 0:06:37.800 --> 0:06:41.360 went from my mom, like leaving my mom's house and 0:06:41.360 --> 0:06:44.279 not having so much responsibility with my siblings because that 0:06:44.400 --> 0:06:46.480 was another thing, like I was so attached to them, 0:06:46.520 --> 0:06:50.400 like I was like addicted, you guys to feeling needed. 0:06:50.600 --> 0:06:53.520 I needed to be needed. That was because I guess 0:06:53.600 --> 0:06:55.640 I just didn't know what I wanted to do with 0:06:55.680 --> 0:06:59.840 my life. Then my whole life was my mom, my siblings, 0:07:00.200 --> 0:07:03.479 and my mom's building, my mom's empire, and it was 0:07:03.520 --> 0:07:05.960 just her her. I remember back then, I would think, like, 0:07:06.000 --> 0:07:07.560 I'm going to grow old with my mom. I'm never 0:07:07.600 --> 0:07:08.920 going to leave her side. I'm going to work for 0:07:08.960 --> 0:07:11.480 her forever. I want to make her life easier. I 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:14.840 want to make her life better, not knowing that that's 0:07:14.880 --> 0:07:18.480 not healthy, Like I was suffocating her in a way 0:07:18.600 --> 0:07:20.480 and not allowing her to be the mother she needed 0:07:20.520 --> 0:07:23.800 to be to the kids. And her home probably didn't 0:07:23.800 --> 0:07:25.960 feel like her home because I was again, like so 0:07:26.160 --> 0:07:28.440 in on everything that I think she needed me to 0:07:29.360 --> 0:07:31.840 move out of the way so she could step in 0:07:32.640 --> 0:07:35.240 and take charge of her own life. So it's just 0:07:35.280 --> 0:07:37.560 like so many different things, but it all comes down 0:07:37.560 --> 0:07:40.840 to like codependency and me being so attached to my mom. 0:07:41.320 --> 0:07:44.520 So anyways, when all that happened and I moved out, 0:07:44.840 --> 0:07:47.520 then I started being co dependent on my friends. So 0:07:47.600 --> 0:07:50.960 I went from one thing to another, and I had 0:07:51.360 --> 0:07:54.320 really good friends. Then I'm sure you guys remember them 0:07:54.320 --> 0:07:56.560 if you guys watched shek's in Roxy and she is 0:07:56.600 --> 0:07:58.800 in control like the reality shows. Like you saw a 0:07:58.800 --> 0:08:02.400 lot of my very good friends back then, which were Diana, 0:08:02.600 --> 0:08:07.240 Ellen Jerald, Julie, Brianna. Brianna Juli are still in my 0:08:07.320 --> 0:08:09.080 life and Diana a little bit. We talked in Ellen 0:08:09.680 --> 0:08:12.000 Jerald I don't talk too but anyways, those were like 0:08:12.080 --> 0:08:15.920 my key friends and they really did help me through 0:08:16.400 --> 0:08:19.240 that tough time in my life. Guys like I. It 0:08:19.280 --> 0:08:21.880 was tough, but I became codependent on them, like I 0:08:21.880 --> 0:08:24.280 felt like I needed to have someone around at all times. 0:08:24.560 --> 0:08:27.040 Why it was just because I didn't know anything else, 0:08:27.080 --> 0:08:28.400 Like if it wasn't one of the kids, it was 0:08:28.400 --> 0:08:30.080 my mom, I was doing something for someone else. Like 0:08:30.440 --> 0:08:32.600 I was finally like, Okay, this is life and I'm 0:08:32.600 --> 0:08:34.200 gonna live it for myself, Like what am I going 0:08:34.280 --> 0:08:38.440 to do? And that's when I started realizing the importance 0:08:38.440 --> 0:08:42.840 of education, of getting something for yourself, because that's something 0:08:42.880 --> 0:08:44.240 you can put under your belt and no one can 0:08:44.280 --> 0:08:46.520 ever take that away from you. And I didn't have 0:08:46.559 --> 0:08:49.760 that because I was so engrossed in my mom's life. 0:08:50.440 --> 0:08:53.480 So there I am at freaking twenty six years old, 0:08:53.920 --> 0:08:56.160 and I'm like, Okay, what am I gonna do. That's 0:08:56.160 --> 0:08:58.680 when I opened up my salon. I invested what I 0:08:58.720 --> 0:09:02.160 had gotten from the reality, and I opened up my 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:05.920 salon and my friends were there. And I was depressed, 0:09:06.000 --> 0:09:08.800 especially in October when my mom and I weren't talking 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:11.920 and I did. I had suicidal thoughts. And thank goodness 0:09:11.920 --> 0:09:14.400 for those friends. They would not leave me alone. They 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:16.960 knew we cannot leave her by herself because something's going 0:09:17.040 --> 0:09:19.079 to happen, so they would take turns you know what 0:09:19.160 --> 0:09:23.199 I mean, basically babysitting me those two months October November December. 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:26.520 It was very, very tough. So I became very dependent 0:09:26.640 --> 0:09:31.559 and codependent on them. And fast forwarding to like I 0:09:31.559 --> 0:09:34.800 don't know what, twenty sixteen or something like those. That's 0:09:34.800 --> 0:09:36.880 why those friends were no longer in my life because 0:09:37.679 --> 0:09:42.640 it was just too much attachment, unhealthy unhealthy attachment. Even 0:09:42.640 --> 0:09:45.040 with my siblings. You guys, we were having like a 0:09:45.080 --> 0:09:47.720 conversation the other day here and we were having a 0:09:47.720 --> 0:09:50.360 meeting at my house and we were talking about how 0:09:50.880 --> 0:09:53.680 attached we were to a point where it was just 0:09:53.760 --> 0:09:57.120 too much. That's what we were taught now we're growing up. Now, 0:09:57.160 --> 0:09:59.679 it's like we're kind of learning to separate ourselves in 0:09:59.720 --> 0:10:02.120 a health healthy way. We are learning to respect each 0:10:02.120 --> 0:10:06.240 other as individuals. And now as the older sister who 0:10:06.400 --> 0:10:09.000 used to be the mom, also very co dependent on 0:10:09.080 --> 0:10:13.120 them and their approval and them being okay and them 0:10:13.160 --> 0:10:16.280 needing me, all that stuff was so unhealthy that I 0:10:16.360 --> 0:10:19.520 was also not allowing them to be who they need 0:10:19.559 --> 0:10:21.920 to be, who they're meant to be. So we were 0:10:21.960 --> 0:10:24.200 talking about all that, and I'm just like, WHOA, Like 0:10:24.960 --> 0:10:27.000 it's been a lot, and it's all out of love, 0:10:27.200 --> 0:10:29.040 to be honest, Like, I've learned that I used to 0:10:29.040 --> 0:10:31.400 hold on to people just out of love, not wanting 0:10:31.400 --> 0:10:41.160 to lose them, but that's not necessarily healthy. I'm telling 0:10:41.200 --> 0:10:44.600 you all of this because it's something that's very real 0:10:44.679 --> 0:10:47.120 and sometimes we don't even realize it when we're doing it. 0:10:47.160 --> 0:10:50.360 We don't realize it. And I've learned that it's so 0:10:50.520 --> 0:10:55.600 healthy and so beautiful to just be yourself and allow 0:10:55.679 --> 0:10:59.360 the other person to be themselves and respecting each other's 0:10:59.360 --> 0:11:04.520 space and respecting each other's decisions, and it's just it 0:11:04.520 --> 0:11:07.400 brings so much peace, Like it's just so much better 0:11:07.520 --> 0:11:09.360 and I see that in this relationship that I have 0:11:09.480 --> 0:11:13.040 now with Emilia, because I thrive on being me, on 0:11:13.160 --> 0:11:16.440 being my individual self, of course, growing and becoming a 0:11:16.520 --> 0:11:20.760 better me for my relationship, but not wanting to be 0:11:21.679 --> 0:11:24.720 everything the other person wants me to be for the 0:11:24.760 --> 0:11:26.720 sake of the relationship, if that makes sense, because those 0:11:26.760 --> 0:11:28.880 are mistakes I made in the past in my relationships. 0:11:29.000 --> 0:11:32.720 I would stay in relationships that weren't good for me, 0:11:32.760 --> 0:11:36.000 and I knew it my gut, my intuition would tell me, 0:11:36.040 --> 0:11:37.480 and I would just stay in the relationship for the 0:11:37.480 --> 0:11:41.240 sake of not being alone, of settling to settle, of 0:11:41.920 --> 0:11:46.720 wanting to maybe even break generational curses like saying okay. 0:11:47.200 --> 0:11:49.400 I would see and I watched my mom go from 0:11:49.480 --> 0:11:51.760 relationship to relationship that I was like, okay, I want 0:11:51.760 --> 0:11:57.120 to be different. That I was staying in relationships that 0:11:57.200 --> 0:11:59.920 weren't healthy for me and for the other person, either 0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:03.439 wanting to have control, like I was in a relationship 0:12:03.640 --> 0:12:05.560 and I'm not going to say who that was more 0:12:05.600 --> 0:12:09.480 controlling over me, like wanted to know everything I was 0:12:09.520 --> 0:12:12.480 doing at all times. I even think that sometimes he 0:12:12.600 --> 0:12:14.440 would have people follow me or he had some type 0:12:14.440 --> 0:12:17.319 of track around me. It was crazy, but I stayed 0:12:17.320 --> 0:12:20.440 in that relationship because I felt like he was a 0:12:20.480 --> 0:12:24.000 protector and a provider the way my mom was. So 0:12:24.240 --> 0:12:26.160 there was something I needed to learn and heal through 0:12:26.200 --> 0:12:30.000 that relationship because I learned, as much as I'm grateful 0:12:30.040 --> 0:12:33.320 with that person, that's not healthy for someone to control 0:12:33.360 --> 0:12:35.320 you that much, where it's like, oh, you're showing way 0:12:35.320 --> 0:12:37.400 too much cleavage, go change, And I would go change, 0:12:37.400 --> 0:12:39.640 and I'm like, okay, But I knew in my heart 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:41.680 like this doesn't feel like I want to be myself. 0:12:41.840 --> 0:12:44.360 I'm still young, I want to be sexy, Like what 0:12:44.400 --> 0:12:46.600 the heck, you're not even my husband, dude, and you're 0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:49.720 like trying to control my whole life like everything, every aspect, 0:12:49.760 --> 0:12:52.320 my career, everything. But again, I stayed in that relationship 0:12:52.320 --> 0:12:55.640 for the sake of not being alone and because I 0:12:55.679 --> 0:12:58.160 did feel protected and he was a provider and he 0:12:58.440 --> 0:13:00.200 reminded me a lot of my mom. To be honest, 0:13:00.720 --> 0:13:04.079 I just wanted that familiar feeling that my mom would 0:13:04.080 --> 0:13:08.400 give me. And then I got into another relationship where 0:13:08.440 --> 0:13:09.880 it was like I felt a little bit more free. 0:13:09.920 --> 0:13:11.840 I wasn't as control, that could be myself. I could 0:13:11.840 --> 0:13:18.200 wear whatever I wanted. But he was a very free spirit, 0:13:18.240 --> 0:13:21.480 which is great, but he was into things that I 0:13:21.520 --> 0:13:24.719 wasn't into. I'm not gonna say what, but read my 0:13:24.720 --> 0:13:27.800 book if you want to know the details, Unstoppable. But 0:13:28.280 --> 0:13:30.400 he was just into things that I wasn't into, and 0:13:30.800 --> 0:13:32.240 he would do a lot of things that would make 0:13:32.280 --> 0:13:34.760 me feel uncomfortable. So I was in this relationship where 0:13:34.800 --> 0:13:37.080 I felt a little bit more free than my previous relationship. 0:13:37.520 --> 0:13:39.280 I was like, Okay, cool, I could just be myself 0:13:39.320 --> 0:13:41.560 and we're silly and we're like homies or whatever. But 0:13:41.840 --> 0:13:44.280 when it came down to real shit, real life stuff, 0:13:44.760 --> 0:13:47.360 I couldn't depend on him. There was no emotional stability, 0:13:48.160 --> 0:13:50.600 and I knew it from the very beginning. And I 0:13:50.640 --> 0:13:52.840 saw many red flags in both relationships, and I would 0:13:52.840 --> 0:13:55.320 just ignore them because I was codependent, because I wanted 0:13:55.320 --> 0:13:57.840 someone there, because I didn't want to be alone, because 0:13:58.840 --> 0:14:02.760 I just wanted to make it work, and because he 0:14:02.760 --> 0:14:05.000 would get lost and I couldn't find him for freaking 0:14:05.080 --> 0:14:06.559 hours and then he would tell me I'm gonna go 0:14:06.600 --> 0:14:08.360 to sleep, and then I would find out on Snapchat 0:14:08.400 --> 0:14:10.679 that he was out partying. That it was just it 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:13.200 really caused a lot of insecurities in me that I 0:14:13.240 --> 0:14:18.160 had never experienced before. But I stayed in both relationships 0:14:18.200 --> 0:14:22.000 for over four years. I stayed because again codependency, you guys. 0:14:22.200 --> 0:14:25.800 But I ignored those damn red flags and that feeling in 0:14:25.840 --> 0:14:28.560 my gut that said, this isn't right. But I would 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:31.600 make excuses. Well, I mean we have fun together. I 0:14:31.600 --> 0:14:33.800 mean we party and like he's a great dancer and 0:14:34.080 --> 0:14:36.000 all this stuff. Like I would make excuses, but it's 0:14:36.040 --> 0:14:40.120 like all the pons would outweigh the pros, you know 0:14:40.160 --> 0:14:42.000 what I mean, Like all of like, wait, I have 0:14:42.120 --> 0:14:46.400 fun with this person, he's entertaining. But when it comes 0:14:46.440 --> 0:14:48.920 down to me just sitting down and realizing am I 0:14:48.960 --> 0:14:52.240 really happy? It was always like no, I am so sad. 0:14:52.840 --> 0:14:55.120 I have so much anxiety. I can't sleep at night. 0:14:55.640 --> 0:14:59.080 It was just stuff that now I realize is just 0:14:59.120 --> 0:15:01.640 not good. So going back to when my mom passed, 0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:04.200 because I was in twenty twelve, and these relationships happen 0:15:05.160 --> 0:15:07.880 mainly after my mom passed, so I was still I 0:15:07.920 --> 0:15:11.840 think that was the beginning that lesson my mom wanted 0:15:11.880 --> 0:15:13.960 me to learn was don't depend on anyone, because when 0:15:13.960 --> 0:15:17.280 she pulled everything right under me, like all my work 0:15:17.320 --> 0:15:20.600 and my job and basically my identity. That was like 0:15:20.640 --> 0:15:22.840 the beginning of it. But I still hadn't learned my lesson. 0:15:23.000 --> 0:15:25.600 So I had to go through these relationships to really 0:15:25.640 --> 0:15:31.080 really realize that loving yourself and being happy and fulfilled 0:15:31.120 --> 0:15:35.680 with being alone is the most important thing. Learning that 0:15:35.800 --> 0:15:40.720 you don't need anyone. You shouldn't need anyone. It's wanting 0:15:41.240 --> 0:15:43.520 to have these people in your life, wanting to have 0:15:43.680 --> 0:15:48.120 healthy friendships, wanting to have a healthy relationship, like I've 0:15:48.120 --> 0:15:51.280 told Emilio, like I love you, but I don't need you. 0:15:51.440 --> 0:15:54.160 I want you. I choose to have you in my life, 0:15:54.200 --> 0:15:57.160 and I want to be healthy for you. Because I'm 0:15:57.200 --> 0:15:59.280 not saying that they were all bad my past relationships 0:15:59.680 --> 0:16:02.480 because of certain things that happen, it would bring out 0:16:02.480 --> 0:16:04.480 the worst in me. Anyone that brings out the worst 0:16:04.480 --> 0:16:08.480 in you, that's a red flag. Bottom line. The person 0:16:08.520 --> 0:16:10.720 that you are with your friends, your family should bring 0:16:10.720 --> 0:16:13.480 out the best in you, should really like make you 0:16:13.600 --> 0:16:17.320 want to just be better for yourself and for your relationship, 0:16:17.320 --> 0:16:19.600 whether it be a love relationship a business relationship like 0:16:19.640 --> 0:16:21.680 it is, they're supposed to bring out the best in you. 0:16:21.800 --> 0:16:25.960 Now I know that, but again, I'm grateful for my past, 0:16:26.000 --> 0:16:29.560 and again, I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes. I maybe 0:16:29.720 --> 0:16:32.600 suffocated a shit out of my relationships, especially like my 0:16:32.600 --> 0:16:35.280 past relationship, because I just I wanted to hold on 0:16:35.360 --> 0:16:37.080 and I'm like, dude, can you just see me? Like 0:16:37.120 --> 0:16:38.840 I really love you, I really want to make this work, 0:16:38.880 --> 0:16:40.440 like I'm good for you, Like I want you to 0:16:40.480 --> 0:16:43.840 be the best version of yourself. But you can't force it. 0:16:43.920 --> 0:16:47.960 You cannot control the shit out of someone and make 0:16:48.000 --> 0:16:49.920 them change if they're not ready to change, Like that's 0:16:49.960 --> 0:16:52.640 something they have to learn. And that's what I was like, Okay, 0:16:52.640 --> 0:16:54.360 I just have to let this person go and let 0:16:54.400 --> 0:16:56.160 them be free and live their life the way they 0:16:56.200 --> 0:16:58.600 want to live, and they will find a partner that's 0:16:58.640 --> 0:17:00.720 gonna be okay with that. And I have to be 0:17:00.760 --> 0:17:03.480 okay with not being the right fit for him or 0:17:03.560 --> 0:17:06.359 forcing my foot in a shoe that just doesn't fit, 0:17:07.000 --> 0:17:10.560 because when you do that, what happens. Blisters happen, you're uncomfortable, 0:17:10.600 --> 0:17:13.800 your feet hurt. Like I had to give myself visuals 0:17:13.840 --> 0:17:15.440 like that in order to just get it through my 0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:18.000 head until I said, I have to let go. As 0:17:18.040 --> 0:17:19.800 much as I love this person, I have to let 0:17:19.800 --> 0:17:22.439 this person go because it's just not healthy for me. 0:17:22.880 --> 0:17:26.080 And that's when I think in twenty twenty, was it, Yeah, 0:17:26.359 --> 0:17:28.480 where it clicked, you guys, where I was like, I 0:17:28.760 --> 0:17:31.920 need to be alone. And I'm not saying that after 0:17:31.960 --> 0:17:34.360 that separation, I didn't get myself in any sticky situation, 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:36.879 because I did, and then it blew up in my 0:17:36.880 --> 0:17:38.600 face and I was like, what the heck just for 0:17:38.760 --> 0:17:40.960 not being alone, for not really giving yourself the time 0:17:41.000 --> 0:17:43.600 to heal. And I learned. I learned again the hard way. 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:45.360 So now I'm like, I'm tired of learning the hard way. 0:17:45.359 --> 0:17:47.080 I got to learn the right way. I got to 0:17:47.160 --> 0:17:52.359 just start like learning my lessons and being smart and 0:17:52.400 --> 0:17:55.679 listening to my intuition and not ignoring that because it 0:17:55.720 --> 0:18:00.439 has caused me so many freaking problems, unnecessary problems to 0:18:00.760 --> 0:18:05.439 ignore and ignore for the sake of not hurting people's 0:18:05.440 --> 0:18:09.520 feelings of getting their approval. That's another thing that I 0:18:09.560 --> 0:18:11.280 did with my mom, was like I wanted her approval 0:18:11.320 --> 0:18:14.760 so much that I just didn't realize that I wasn't 0:18:14.800 --> 0:18:19.840 really living my true self because I was always seeking 0:18:19.840 --> 0:18:23.320 someone's approval and people pleasing. That's something that i've dealt 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:33.040 with my whole life. Now it just feels great to 0:18:33.160 --> 0:18:35.640 be in a healthy relationship for the first time in 0:18:35.640 --> 0:18:39.719 my life where I really desire because I learned from 0:18:39.720 --> 0:18:43.440 my past relationship that I cannot control him. I don't 0:18:43.440 --> 0:18:45.680 want to control him. I want him to be himself. 0:18:45.760 --> 0:18:47.800 I want him to go out with his friends. He has, 0:18:47.880 --> 0:18:49.960 like I've told you guys before, he has beautiful friends, 0:18:49.960 --> 0:18:54.000 beautiful best friends, female friends. He's a photographer. He photographs 0:18:54.320 --> 0:18:57.320 beautiful women. And I'm just like, well, it is what 0:18:57.359 --> 0:19:00.840 it is. I cannot control he's gonna do. And if 0:19:00.840 --> 0:19:02.800 he's gonna do something stupid, then I leave it in 0:19:02.800 --> 0:19:06.080 God's hands that he will show me if he's doing 0:19:06.080 --> 0:19:09.240 anything bad so that I can excuse myself from this situation, 0:19:09.280 --> 0:19:11.360 from this relationship. And I have faith in that. And 0:19:11.400 --> 0:19:14.480 now I'm like, I'm not gonna torment my mind trying 0:19:14.520 --> 0:19:16.480 to see what he's doing and where he's at. And again, 0:19:16.520 --> 0:19:18.760 he doesn't give me those issues though. If he's gonna 0:19:18.760 --> 0:19:21.040 be out late, hey I'm out. I'll be home at 0:19:21.080 --> 0:19:22.720 this time. Like I never have to worry about that. 0:19:22.760 --> 0:19:25.480 I can't reach him. He also does his part, so 0:19:25.520 --> 0:19:28.439 I just feel like it also depends on the person 0:19:28.640 --> 0:19:30.240 that you're going to be with. When I'm talking about 0:19:30.280 --> 0:19:33.119 like a relationship, like a significant other, they need to 0:19:33.200 --> 0:19:34.840 be on the same page. And you're gonna know that 0:19:34.920 --> 0:19:37.479 right away, Like honestly, you're gonna know, Okay, is this 0:19:37.480 --> 0:19:40.520 person taking me seriously? Is this person really like on 0:19:40.640 --> 0:19:43.439 the same page? Do we want the same things? Like 0:19:43.560 --> 0:19:46.200 they're gonna put in the same amount of effort as 0:19:46.240 --> 0:19:49.040 you are. And I think that that's where I'm at finally, 0:19:49.240 --> 0:19:52.800 And I still want to be myself and I still 0:19:52.800 --> 0:19:54.440 want to do the things that make me happy, and 0:19:55.240 --> 0:19:58.080 I want to just be in a relationship to have 0:19:58.119 --> 0:20:00.840 a companion for life and to do things with and 0:20:00.960 --> 0:20:03.719 experience things and go on trips and stuff like that, 0:20:03.880 --> 0:20:07.600 not because I need it, because I don't want to 0:20:07.600 --> 0:20:11.320 be alone. Like it's so different. It's just something just changed. 0:20:11.359 --> 0:20:13.600 And I'm like, I am tired of learning the hard way. 0:20:13.760 --> 0:20:17.399 I want to learn from my mistakes. I want to change, 0:20:17.480 --> 0:20:19.920 I want to be better. I want to not make 0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:22.240 the same mistakes I made in my past, especially in 0:20:22.280 --> 0:20:25.760 my relationship and my romantic relationships, because I want it 0:20:25.840 --> 0:20:27.800 to work. So what do I have to do different? 0:20:27.920 --> 0:20:29.919 There has to be some type of change and change. 0:20:29.960 --> 0:20:33.600 I always say this you guys, is not comfortable. It's 0:20:33.640 --> 0:20:37.399 not always easy. It's actually very uncomfortable when you are 0:20:37.440 --> 0:20:41.000