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Speaker 1: Your wild talk. Baby. This parenting ship is hard. I agree,

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Speaker 1: but I also know that if anybody try to mess

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Speaker 1: up my kids, it's a problem. It's a problems. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us

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Speaker 1: from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each

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Speaker 1: other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make

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Speaker 1: you need derby most days. Wow. And one more important

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Speaker 1: thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this

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Speaker 1: podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,

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Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the

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Speaker 1: lens of a millennium married couple. Dead as is the

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Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say

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Speaker 1: dead asks, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,

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Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillow

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Speaker 1: Talk to a whole new level. Dead starts right now.

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Speaker 1: This time, in particular, is a few years back. This

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Speaker 1: is a few years back. Um. This is when we

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Speaker 1: really started doing social media and I kind of stumbled

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Speaker 1: on creating the videos of our family, especially with the kids.

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Speaker 1: And it was around the time when Jackson started to

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Speaker 1: lose his teeth, and I remember Jackson started losing his teeth.

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Speaker 1: And then Cairo at the time was speaking his gibberish

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Speaker 1: on social media, and I remember seeing comments from people, right,

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Speaker 1: and the comments were, when are you gonna get that

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Speaker 1: child's teeth fixed? And then Cairo was Cairo was um

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Speaker 1: speaking English, He's not gonna speak properly. Yeah, he speaking,

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Speaker 1: was speaking gibbering. He was speaking gibberish and baby talking.

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Speaker 1: It's like, oh, he almost two years old. He should

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Speaker 1: be speaking English by now. Y'all need to get that

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Speaker 1: checked out. And I remember feeling like everybody is like

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Speaker 1: a social media parent, you know what I'm saying, Like

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Speaker 1: that everybody can diagnose your kids through a sixty second

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Speaker 1: video because at this point the video was only sixty seconds,

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Speaker 1: but everybody knew exactly what we need to do as parents, right.

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Speaker 1: And at first I was like becoming very defensive because

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Speaker 1: I was like, I gotta protect my kids because I

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Speaker 1: don't want my kids to ever watch something and then say, dang,

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Speaker 1: like something is wrong with me based on other people's comments,

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Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. But then I saw to realize, like,

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Speaker 1: you know, this is a glimpse into what the world

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Speaker 1: is going to be like for my kids. So I

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Speaker 1: have to teach my kids rather than coddle them and

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Speaker 1: protect them. I have to teach my kids how to

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Speaker 1: deal with people on the outside saying and believing things

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Speaker 1: about them when they don't really know them. My good

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Speaker 1: says the late Whitney Houston. You know, we're talking about kids.

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Speaker 1: We're talking about raising them, relationships and all that good

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Speaker 1: stuff co parenting. So I felt like it was appropriate

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Speaker 1: because you know, it's all about the children. I believe

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Speaker 1: the children are our future. Teach them well and then

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Speaker 1: lead the way, show them all the beauty they possess inside. Somebody,

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Speaker 1: did you just do to Come into America version? I

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Speaker 1: might have literally give them a sense of pride to

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Speaker 1: make it easier. I mean we should, That's what we're

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Speaker 1: supposed to do as parents, right. First of all, you

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Speaker 1: don't like doing karaoke, but whenever you do karaoke, you

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Speaker 1: choose the singer with the greatest vocal for us, for

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Speaker 1: whit Houston. She went to Whitney Houston. Then didn't even

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Speaker 1: do the Whitney Houston version you did to come into America.

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Speaker 1: Tried to do the way we use the version. You

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Speaker 1: gotta make it funny at that point, because there's no

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Speaker 1: way I can hold a note, not even if you

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Speaker 1: put it in my hand. So, yeah, story time about

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Speaker 1: Jackson and when you're gonna get this kid brasid. Somebody

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Speaker 1: actually recently commented that, like I'm gonna say this again.

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Speaker 1: I'm going to ask this one more time, bitch. We

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Speaker 1: didn't ask you the first time, So are you asking

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Speaker 1: me again when I'm gonna get my child's teeth face?

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Speaker 1: First of all, mind your business. Second of all, if

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Speaker 1: you are you an authodontist. Third of all, did you

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Speaker 1: not know that there's a certain age that children are

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Speaker 1: eligible to get braces? And he hasn't reached that port yet.

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Speaker 1: Have you been in this X rays You haven't. So

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Speaker 1: it's just like mind your business, gentleness, and maybe there's

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Speaker 1: nothing wrong with his teeth, how about that? Like mind

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Speaker 1: your business. Like I said in my sound bite, don't

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Speaker 1: mess with my kids. That's the one thing that's just

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Speaker 1: off limits as a parent for me. At least. You're

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Speaker 1: talking about my husband, but don't talk about just don't

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Speaker 1: know about any of these men. Let me with my areas,

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Speaker 1: let me take let me take these off because I'll

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Speaker 1: be ready to. We're gonna jump into the meat of

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Speaker 1: the show. We have a special guest today who's going

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Speaker 1: to talk to us about a couple of different things.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna st Pearl's worthy hold on you and you

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Speaker 1: kind of is that you want to jump into the meat.

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Speaker 1: That's Paul's worthy. I can do that. I can't just

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Speaker 1: jump into anybody meet not anybody. Are you jumping into

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Speaker 1: my meat? I mean you next to me? So it's

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Speaker 1: you get Technico down. So that a whole different show,

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Speaker 1: different show, you know, I'm go ahead. That's how we became.

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Speaker 1: That's how we became. That on the disclaimer for this episode,

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Speaker 1: So our guest Todays were talking about a couple of

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Speaker 1: different things. We're gonna be talking about co parenting U

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Speaker 1: after a divorce, We're gonna talk about autism, We're gonna

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Speaker 1: talk about all the things. Um with a really really

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Speaker 1: funny mama. Alright, so joining us to have a fellow mom.

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Speaker 1: Actually met this amazing woman at the Mom Friends. I

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Speaker 1: want to say maybe like three years ago at this point,

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Speaker 1: I don't know. After the pandemic, I'm like, the time

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Speaker 1: is all jumbled for me, But that was probably one

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Speaker 1: of the last times that I was able to get

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Speaker 1: together with an amazing group of women who were also moms,

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Speaker 1: Black moms that were there for support, for laughs, for cries.

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Speaker 1: It was just a great, great time. Um. So she's

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Speaker 1: a fellow boy mom as well, author, chef, and builder

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Speaker 1: Katrice Pedro, also known as the Funny Mama on the Internet.

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Speaker 1: And she's funny to tell y'all, Like literally every single

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Speaker 1: video that she puts out. I promise you I can

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Speaker 1: relate to um a true multitasking queen catrices. Transparency about

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Speaker 1: her real life experiences comes through funny skits on TikTok uh,

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Speaker 1: the d i y projects that she shares on YouTube,

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Speaker 1: recipes on her cookbook All sorts of suat. You could

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Speaker 1: probably tell us a little bit more about yourself better

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Speaker 1: than I can. So I just want to introduce you

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Speaker 1: guys to Kadris a k A the Funny Mama. Tell

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Speaker 1: everybody a little bit more about yourself. Hi, how are

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Speaker 1: you guys knowing? Good? Yep? I'm a mom of two boys,

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Speaker 1: a teenager and a four year old soon to be

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Speaker 1: five in two weeks. Um, both have attitude attitudes my blessing.

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Speaker 1: Um yeah, I'm a chef. I actually dropped out of

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Speaker 1: culinary school, and then five years later was asked to

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Speaker 1: teach at the culinary school I dropped out of. And

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Speaker 1: that was kind of my motivation of like, okay, you

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Speaker 1: should write, if you should do a cookbook, you shouldn't,

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Speaker 1: you know, So I kind of just started everything for me,

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Speaker 1: just started hitting me. I've been a mom for fifteen

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Speaker 1: years now, but I didn't really start diving into who

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Speaker 1: I was until about four years ago. And my my followers,

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Speaker 1: who I call my tribe, have just been following me

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Speaker 1: on this journey of rediscovery and figuring out who I am.

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Speaker 1: And you know, I'm working on right now, gentle parenting.

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Speaker 1: That's been my biggest thing. So I'm just I share

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Speaker 1: everything with with my um, with my tribe, and they've

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Speaker 1: helped me out of postpartum depression. And you know, like

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Speaker 1: I said, figuring out who I am, because everybody's still

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Speaker 1: always growing and and and trying to discover themselves. And

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Speaker 1: I'm just very lucky to have a wonderful community of

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Speaker 1: mothers who encouraged me and help me and give me

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Speaker 1: advice stuff, and I think I'm doing the same for them.

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Speaker 1: That's what's well. I have a question because a large

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Speaker 1: part of our audience is relationship based. So do you

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Speaker 1: mind talking a little bit about your relationship or your

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Speaker 1: relationships or lack there. Well, I just got divorced, well

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Speaker 1: technically have been married twice. I got married when I

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Speaker 1: was nineteen, Um, and it was because I got pregnant

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Speaker 1: with my son and we both knew it just wasn't

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Speaker 1: the right thing to do. You know, that ended pretty quickly.

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Speaker 1: So I don't think either one of us really count

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Speaker 1: that because we're kids. We can't even drink. Yeah, yeah

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Speaker 1: you could drink. No. On our honeymoon, we were like

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Speaker 1: trying to We went on a crew. We were trying

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Speaker 1: to find like, you know, the right bartender that well

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Speaker 1: let us. Yes, we're like, we're married. We just had

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Speaker 1: a baby now and it was but now we were

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Speaker 1: co parent wonderfully and we we have a great co

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Speaker 1: parenting relationship. Um. So that's my older son, my oldest son,

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Speaker 1: c J. And then I recently divorced. I was in

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Speaker 1: a relationship for ten years and um, you know, sometimes

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Speaker 1: you you have to choose yourself, you know, you as

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Speaker 1: a mom, I feel like you we we put this

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Speaker 1: pressure on ourselves to make sure that the kids are

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Speaker 1: happy and you think that staying in the marriage is

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Speaker 1: what makes makes that happen. Um, and you don't notice

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Speaker 1: that they see all of these things. And as a

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Speaker 1: mom of boys, especially for me, I felt like it

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Speaker 1: was important for them to not only know how a

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Speaker 1: woman is supposed to be treated, but how when a

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Speaker 1: woman isn't treated the correct way, you can lose that woman.

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Speaker 1: For me, I I chose myself a question after getting

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Speaker 1: being married the first time, What made you say I

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Speaker 1: want to get married again? Because most people who are

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Speaker 1: married who say I'm getting a divorce say they'll never

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Speaker 1: do it again, and they end up getting married again.

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Speaker 1: What was your reason for getting married again? Well, I

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Speaker 1: think the first time, like I said, the first time

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Speaker 1: I got married, I just don't even consider it. I'm married,

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Speaker 1: Like neither one of us do. We even when we

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Speaker 1: talked about it, we like laugh about it. Kid. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it was like, I mean, I had already had the baby,

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Speaker 1: like CDJ had already been born. But I think we

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Speaker 1: just felt kind of like, it's just it just happened

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Speaker 1: so quick and we were really doing it so that

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Speaker 1: it will be okay, Right, I'm having the baby will

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Speaker 1: be okay. So when I got married this last There

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Speaker 1: was a lot of factors on why I got married,

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Speaker 1: none of which were for you know, the right reasons.

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Speaker 1: But but one of the main reasons was because, um,

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Speaker 1: I've I've my entire adult life have dealt with like, um,

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Speaker 1: five broys and ovariances. So I've had to have four

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Speaker 1: surgeries before, and um my doctor told me basically, you

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Speaker 1: have two years to have another baby, and if you don't,

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Speaker 1: it's very high risk, it's extremely dangerous, you know, stuff

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Speaker 1: like that. So I went to my them boyfriend, we

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Speaker 1: have been together for four years, and I basically was like, look,

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Speaker 1: I want to have another kid. Let me know if

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Speaker 1: marriage isn't what you see for us, because then you know,

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Speaker 1: I got, I got my clock is ticking. And some

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Speaker 1: people saw that as wrong, like they like I was

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Speaker 1: putting pressure on for me. I felt like, I, I mean,

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Speaker 1: I know that I want to have another kid. Marrying me, yes, Like, well,

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Speaker 1: then I gotta go. And he did say something that

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Speaker 1: that was true that that always sticks with me, said

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Speaker 1: one of us is going to resent the other if

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Speaker 1: we don't have a baby, you know, or or if

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Speaker 1: we don't get married in your time frame us up,

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Speaker 1: You're gonna be pissed at me. You're gonna hate me.

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Speaker 1: And with him, he didn't want to have a baby

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Speaker 1: right then. That wasn't what he wanted to do. And

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Speaker 1: he didn't even want to get you know married for real.

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Speaker 1: Um but he but he hadn't a proposal to me

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Speaker 1: and we ended up getting you know married, sound familiar.

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Speaker 1: We had. We did a whole episode about monogamy and

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Speaker 1: I used the word pressure, and women came for me

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Speaker 1: like one of those patrice you came from my husband.

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Speaker 1: Of course, because the minute you say pressure, women get

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Speaker 1: defensive because they feel like it's not pressure, it's me

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Speaker 1: telling you what I want and what I need and

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Speaker 1: make a decision. Yes, I feel like it's just like

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Speaker 1: a man that could be transparent and say I don't

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Speaker 1: want to have kids or I don't want to get married.

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Speaker 1: That's fine. But I don't think it's wrong for me

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Speaker 1: to say I do want to get married, I do

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Speaker 1: want to have kids, and if that's not in your plan,

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Speaker 1: that's fine, and let me go and go be with

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Speaker 1: a person who does want to get I understand that.

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Speaker 1: But here's my counter argument. If a man were to

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Speaker 1: quote unquote pressure a woman to have kids, he would

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Speaker 1: be considered wrong because there have been women who came

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Speaker 1: for me who have been like, why you keep asking

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Speaker 1: Codeine to have kids. That's her decision. You shouldn't be

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Speaker 1: pressuring her to have kids. To me, it just seems

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Speaker 1: a little hypocritical. If a man says what he wants

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Speaker 1: is considered pressure, and that's not fair. But if a

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Speaker 1: woman says what she wants, it's I'm just telling you

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Speaker 1: what I need, and you have a right to say, yeah,

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Speaker 1: your name. Well, I didn't think of another child was

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Speaker 1: pressure per se, because I think it was a joint decision,

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Speaker 1: and I think ultimately you were allowing me to say,

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Speaker 1: it's my body, so I can do with it what

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Speaker 1: I please. But as a married couple who plans for

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Speaker 1: our life and plans for our future, it was worth

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Speaker 1: the discussion. So you had to let me know how

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Speaker 1: you felt about it, and then in turn me be like,

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Speaker 1: all right, this is something I don't know he wants.

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Speaker 1: Let's see if it's something I'm willing to do as well. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: but I'm not even talking about us thinking it was pressure.

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Speaker 1: I'm talking about some people who are not in relationships,

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Speaker 1: single people who wonder like, how how could I even

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Speaker 1: be in a relationship if someone is going to quote

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Speaker 1: unquote pressure me. Whereas when you think about it now,

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Speaker 1: it isn't pressure. We both as individuals have the right

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Speaker 1: to say what we want and what we need, right

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Speaker 1: and we already like kind of laughed at Katris, We

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Speaker 1: were laughing at single people having such opinions about married people.

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Speaker 1: So what was it for you that kind of was

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Speaker 1: a trigger when you heard that monogamy clip from to

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Speaker 1: Valenti because you said you were one of those people

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Speaker 1: that got on him. Well, because I feel like there's

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Speaker 1: a difference between pressure and an ultimatum. I feel like

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Speaker 1: if I'm saying, hey, I really want to have a baby,

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Speaker 1: I only have two years to have a baby, just

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Speaker 1: let me know where your mind is at. That is like,

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Speaker 1: it is me applying pressure. But is it me being

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Speaker 1: like if you if you don't choose to have a

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Speaker 1: baby with me, that I'm out. Then there's a difference

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Speaker 1: if I'm saying you have to or I'm gone, You're

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Speaker 1: You're never gonna see me. That really wasn't me. It

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Speaker 1: was really me saying where is your mind? That were

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Speaker 1: We are adults and this is us talking about a future.

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Speaker 1: We've been together for five years now, are we moving

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Speaker 1: in the direction of getting married and having a baby?

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Speaker 1: Because if not, I need to make a decision for

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Speaker 1: myself and my future because is it wrong? Then would

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Speaker 1: it be wrong for me to say, let me not

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Speaker 1: say anything, none, let me just sit here and hope

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Speaker 1: that's something? Absolutely not? The thing is I agree that

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Speaker 1: you have the right to do that, but I do

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Speaker 1: also agree that it's pressure and it is an ultimatum.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, but what we have to stay up doing

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Speaker 1: is demonizing people who are saying I need this for me.

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Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with it, you see that. The problem

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Speaker 1: is is that people create a negative connotation and and

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Speaker 1: me being one of those people, I was immature at

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Speaker 1: that point in my life. I didn't understand why it

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Speaker 1: had to be that way. Why does everything have to

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Speaker 1: be on your terms and when you want it and

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Speaker 1: when you need it? But when you think about it,

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Speaker 1: you only get one life. If you don't vocalize what

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Speaker 1: you want and what you need, you'll never get in

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Speaker 1: a relationship what you want and what you need. And

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Speaker 1: I think that's in part what you know, what we're

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Speaker 1: trying to teach people, not even teach people to show

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Speaker 1: people that if you're willing to be of service to

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Speaker 1: your partner and your partner is willing to be of

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Speaker 1: service to you, when they tell you what they want

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Speaker 1: and when they need, you won't even take it as

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Speaker 1: an ultimatum. It's just open forms of communication. Absolutely. But

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Speaker 1: I also think at the same time, when somebody tells

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Speaker 1: you what they want, listen to them because they need

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Speaker 1: getting married. No, that's that's a great point, and it

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Speaker 1: I can say, I can say a lot of things,

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Speaker 1: but he was honest from the beginning. He really was

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Speaker 1: not trying to have another baby. He really was not.

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Speaker 1: He would say he wants, he knew he wanted to

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Speaker 1: marry me, but he just wasn't ready at that time.

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Speaker 1: That's for me, it was like I got I got

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Speaker 1: things to do. You know how how much more of

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Speaker 1: my life? Five We've been together five years, and for

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Speaker 1: me it's like that's you know, that's a long as

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Speaker 1: time proposed. Um, would you have moved out because you

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Speaker 1: just had this timeline that you were working on, So

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Speaker 1: would you have been like, damn, I you don't want

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Speaker 1: to propose, or you don't want a baby now, so

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Speaker 1: I don't have to just go do me. I mean

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Speaker 1: that is what happened. At first. We broke up for

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Speaker 1: months because he just he was like, I can't give

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Speaker 1: you an answer, and I was like, that's fine. There's

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Speaker 1: no love loss, there's no beef. I need to step

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Speaker 1: back so I could figure out what you know it

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Speaker 1: was right for me. Then we ended up getting back

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Speaker 1: together and he proposed a couple of months later. See

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Speaker 1: that that is the epitome of pressure in an ultimate

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Speaker 1: at them. But but the thing is, it's not wrong.

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Speaker 1: It's your life, like like this, this is what we

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Speaker 1: have to do. Stop doing two people right. If someone

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Speaker 1: says this is what I need and I want, right,

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Speaker 1: everyone knows has a problem with that person saying that

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Speaker 1: that's wrong. You can't be mad at Katrice for doing that,

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Speaker 1: the same way I can't be mad at you for

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Speaker 1: doing that to me. You see what I'm saying. The

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Speaker 1: problem is that when you ask people to tell them

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Speaker 1: to tell you the truth, and they tell you the truth,

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Speaker 1: then you get mad at their truth. I think a

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Speaker 1: lot of times to we get wrapped up in the

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Speaker 1: word like pressure, ultimatum when we're not really even listening

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Speaker 1: to like what it is that the person needs is

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Speaker 1: just thinking that the negative connotation around the world like pressure, ultimatum,

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Speaker 1: or you're allowing your spouse to do something like there's

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Speaker 1: certain things that are trigger words. I think for people

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Speaker 1: that sometimes makes it worse than what the actual ask is.

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Speaker 1: You know. Yeah, and I think that the wrong person

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Speaker 1: ends up being called selfish because is it's selfish to

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Speaker 1: ask or what you want? Or is it is it

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Speaker 1: selfish for you to do something to keep someone but

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Speaker 1: you really didn't want to do it, you know what

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Speaker 1: I'm saying, Like you you don't want to lose the

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Speaker 1: person to someone else, so you're like, well, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: marry them and keep them so I don't lose them.

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Speaker 1: But this isn't really what I want to do, so

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Speaker 1: I know I'm not gonna be all the way in.

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Speaker 1: Then it's like, well then what's It's a very there's

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Speaker 1: there's a very fine line on both ads all what

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Speaker 1: is right to do because it's like, you want to

355
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Speaker 1: speak up for yourself, you want two, you want to

356
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Speaker 1: ask for what you want. But at the same time,

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Speaker 1: I think my issue is when men say they were pressured,

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Speaker 1: but it's like nobody had a gun to your head.

359
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Speaker 1: You could have said no. So now you're going into

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Speaker 1: something that you knew you really didn't want to go into.

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Speaker 1: You're an adult just like I am, so maybe you

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Speaker 1: shouldn't have gone gone into it. So I mean marriage there,

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Speaker 1: I mean there's ton of books on marriage, but it

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Speaker 1: doesn't mean anybody knows what they're talking about. It's so

365
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:08,520
Speaker 1: it's so difficult. It's very very hard. Yeah, you're bringing

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Speaker 1: to different people who are raised by two different parents,

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Speaker 1: you know, and trying to create this union that's going

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Speaker 1: to last forever, and it's just it just sometimes doesn't

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Speaker 1: work well. Can I say this all the time that

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Speaker 1: everyone claims to be an expert on marriage and we're

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Speaker 1: all just guessing, like we don't know what works, Like

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Speaker 1: you're kind of just trying to figure it out. But

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Speaker 1: the only way you can honestly find a way to

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Speaker 1: exist in your marriage happily if both people are willing

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Speaker 1: to say exactly what they want and what they need

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Speaker 1: in real time, and if your spouse is willing to

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Speaker 1: be of service to your wants and needs, that's the

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Speaker 1: only way it's gonna work. And yeah, and there there's

379
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Speaker 1: no one the way that's going to fit all marriages,

380
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Speaker 1: Like it works for us, is not gonna work for

381
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Speaker 1: probably of everybody else. So it's like, there's no reason

382
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Speaker 1: to say follow this format because that shop ain't gonna

383
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:02,480
Speaker 1: work for everybody else. Need. Yeah, it's make your own

384
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:05,879
Speaker 1: rules and but make sure you keep the respect for

385
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:09,480
Speaker 1: one another and for sure for sure. So now you're

386
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,800
Speaker 1: fairly new to the co parenting journey. So this episode

387
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,760
Speaker 1: is going to touch on a couple of different things. Um,

388
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Speaker 1: co parenting, what's that looking like for you when it

389
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,359
Speaker 1: comes to because you have two sons and you have

390
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Speaker 1: two different age reads fifteen and almost five, right and alost. Yeah,

391
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,399
Speaker 1: so with the fifteen year old, Like I said, we

392
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Speaker 1: were kids. So the first five years we hated each other,

393
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Speaker 1: like we were like you were in my life. Why

394
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Speaker 1: do we get there? That was so dumb. Now to

395
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Speaker 1: say that I'm divorced and I'm twenty three at that point,

396
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,560
Speaker 1: you know, like this is so dumb. Whatever. We just

397
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Speaker 1: it took us a while to get to the point

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Speaker 1: where we um could really communicate, and then it just

399
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:55,680
Speaker 1: grew into a friendship where we realized we once you

400
00:21:56,119 --> 00:21:59,239
Speaker 1: seriously put your child first, Like people say it all

401
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Speaker 1: the time. They're like, I do this for my kid,

402
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,920
Speaker 1: I do this, and it's like, you can clearly see

403
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,840
Speaker 1: that you have not romantically cut yourself off from this person.

404
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,280
Speaker 1: It's not you did it for your doing it for

405
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,120
Speaker 1: the kids. You're doing it for yourself. And if you're

406
00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:13,560
Speaker 1: doing it for the kids, you wouldn't be yelling in

407
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Speaker 1: front of kids. You would And I mean I was

408
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Speaker 1: guilty of that too, you know. Um. And we got

409
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:21,120
Speaker 1: to the point where we really did sit down and say, look,

410
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Speaker 1: we are going to be in each other's lives for

411
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Speaker 1: the rest of our lives. I don't I'm too fucking

412
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:29,600
Speaker 1: exhausted chasing up for this little boy to now have

413
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Speaker 1: to beef with you until the end of days. I can't.

414
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Speaker 1: And we just kind of really shifted our perspective and

415
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Speaker 1: we removed that hate because it's like we we still

416
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Speaker 1: created this child together, we still have to raise this child,

417
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Speaker 1: and him being a healthy and non toxic man one

418
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,800
Speaker 1: day is going to be based off of what he

419
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Speaker 1: sees from us. So I think once we were able

420
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Speaker 1: to adjust our you know are ways of thinking, um

421
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Speaker 1: and really become a team. Now, like I said, we

422
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:07,359
Speaker 1: we joke, laugh whatever, I can call him and be

423
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:10,879
Speaker 1: like guess what this mother. We're like laughing, cracking up, whatever,

424
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:21,919
Speaker 1: and it's great. Um now now my new Now we're

425
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Speaker 1: still in those five years a little bit. I mean,

426
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Speaker 1: I think for me, like I've been obviously, I want

427
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:33,280
Speaker 1: to get to that healthy co parenting um place. And

428
00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:37,280
Speaker 1: I feel like we we will get there. Um, it's

429
00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:42,400
Speaker 1: just you know, sometimes people aren't. Sometimes people that we're

430
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,159
Speaker 1: you're just not on the same page and it's just

431
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:47,680
Speaker 1: gonna take a little bit of work to get to

432
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:52,520
Speaker 1: the same page. I think we handled our separation and

433
00:23:52,600 --> 00:23:55,639
Speaker 1: divorce differently. As soon as I filed for a separation

434
00:23:56,200 --> 00:24:01,200
Speaker 1: almost two years ago, I went started there. I'm like, look,

435
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,440
Speaker 1: I need to heal myself. I need to work on

436
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:07,399
Speaker 1: myself because although there was I can't say that I wasn't.

437
00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:10,639
Speaker 1: I was just this perfect wife that did everything right.

438
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:13,200
Speaker 1: And at this point, I'm like, your your thirty four

439
00:24:13,320 --> 00:24:15,920
Speaker 1: who at that point of your thirty three and you

440
00:24:16,359 --> 00:24:18,800
Speaker 1: have now been divorced twice, you need to do some

441
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:26,440
Speaker 1: soul searching and figure out what then is going on? Yeah,

442
00:24:26,600 --> 00:24:29,600
Speaker 1: it's like what's going on? You know? And and I did?

443
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:33,320
Speaker 1: I spent ah. I have an amazing therapist and she

444
00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,040
Speaker 1: she readed me for folks a couple of times, and

445
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,440
Speaker 1: then she also just let me know, like to be

446
00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:41,119
Speaker 1: gentle with myself, you know, because a lot of it

447
00:24:41,400 --> 00:24:47,720
Speaker 1: was me ignoring red flags and having this feeling of something.

448
00:24:47,800 --> 00:24:50,640
Speaker 1: Something she told me that stuck with me was, how however,

449
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:54,160
Speaker 1: whatever you saw growing up, wheathers on TV or your

450
00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:58,040
Speaker 1: parents or whatever, whatever you saw, is how you envision

451
00:24:58,160 --> 00:25:01,880
Speaker 1: your life growing up. Even if you don't even even

452
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:05,240
Speaker 1: if you're not even um like actually looking for you're

453
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:06,720
Speaker 1: you're not thinking about it. It's in the back of

454
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,119
Speaker 1: your head. So if you see your parents arguing all

455
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,480
Speaker 1: the time growing up, then in your mind, a healthy

456
00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:14,240
Speaker 1: relationship is someone who you're arguing with all the time.

457
00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:17,640
Speaker 1: So I would always go for the quote unquote bad

458
00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,840
Speaker 1: boy who I was arguing with all the time. And

459
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:22,640
Speaker 1: if I wasn't arguing with you, it seemed boring. There's

460
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,119
Speaker 1: something wrong and I didn't know why. And I'm like,

461
00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:28,800
Speaker 1: he's every this guy is great, he treats you so good,

462
00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:35,199
Speaker 1: but no, he's not for me. It's because my growing up,

463
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,159
Speaker 1: you know, I saw a lot of arguing, not just

464
00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:41,720
Speaker 1: on TV stuff like that. So for me that I

465
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:44,960
Speaker 1: felt normal. That was love. That's what love meant to me.

466
00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,040
Speaker 1: And so that was another reason why I end up

467
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:50,679
Speaker 1: getting a divorce, was because I didn't want my kids

468
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,320
Speaker 1: to think and arguing and fussing and all of this.

469
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:57,320
Speaker 1: Obviously it happened. You know you're gonna argue, but you

470
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:00,840
Speaker 1: arguing and fussing more than showing love front of your kids,

471
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:03,840
Speaker 1: is I don't want this should just be a cycle

472
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,439
Speaker 1: where my kids are now in relationships with someone who

473
00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:11,320
Speaker 1: you know. So, um, okay, I think that I have

474
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 1: gotten to the place where I most certainly feel like

475
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:19,720
Speaker 1: I am. I am not completely healed, but really good.

476
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:24,080
Speaker 1: Um you know, I'm dating someone and I'm happy. And

477
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:28,920
Speaker 1: I just think that I I focused on myself first

478
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:32,440
Speaker 1: and on healing myself instead of like ignoring it and

479
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,639
Speaker 1: just putting it to backburn, act like it didn't happen.

480
00:26:35,359 --> 00:26:38,240
Speaker 1: So hopefully one day we'll get on the same page

481
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:41,520
Speaker 1: where we can co parent very well. I mean, for now,

482
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:44,280
Speaker 1: it's there's no bad blood or anything like that, but

483
00:26:44,359 --> 00:26:47,440
Speaker 1: it's definitely bad like with c J Dad, where we

484
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:50,520
Speaker 1: could joke labe, not like that right now. Well it's

485
00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,520
Speaker 1: it's funny though, because our first five years of marriage

486
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:56,840
Speaker 1: and I would say co parenting was terrible. It was.

487
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:00,960
Speaker 1: It was horrible. Were divorce within our marriag debut three times,

488
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,920
Speaker 1: unbeknownst to the general public, but it was. It was

489
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,320
Speaker 1: pretty bad. But what is it about that first five

490
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:11,320
Speaker 1: years of marriage? I think it's what Katric said and

491
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:13,600
Speaker 1: what you and I talk about all the time. She

492
00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,040
Speaker 1: grew up in a household where marriage looked a certain way.

493
00:27:16,119 --> 00:27:17,840
Speaker 1: I grew up in a household where marriage looked a

494
00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:21,040
Speaker 1: certain way, and without actively thinking that, you're trying to

495
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:23,359
Speaker 1: play out what you've seen in your life. I was

496
00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:25,560
Speaker 1: trying to play out what I saw, and she was

497
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,000
Speaker 1: trying to play out what she saw. And when we

498
00:27:28,119 --> 00:27:31,560
Speaker 1: didn't meet, we just blamed each other and like everything

499
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:34,840
Speaker 1: is just your fault. There was no accountability. There were

500
00:27:34,920 --> 00:27:38,000
Speaker 1: very little conversations had to about it because I always

501
00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:39,639
Speaker 1: talk about too how I don't feel like I was

502
00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:42,000
Speaker 1: ever really prepared to be a wife, Like what does

503
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,880
Speaker 1: that look like? You know? But then on the converse

504
00:27:44,920 --> 00:27:48,040
Speaker 1: side of that, even if my mom or my aunt's

505
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,000
Speaker 1: or some elder in my family were to prepare me

506
00:27:51,119 --> 00:27:54,240
Speaker 1: to be a wife, that would be them using whatever tainted,

507
00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:57,639
Speaker 1: jaded experience that they have had as a wife then

508
00:27:57,720 --> 00:27:59,879
Speaker 1: inflicting that on me and me thinking that was like

509
00:28:00,040 --> 00:28:02,240
Speaker 1: to be all that ended all, instead of looking to

510
00:28:02,359 --> 00:28:04,000
Speaker 1: my husband to see, Okay, what is it that was

511
00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:06,240
Speaker 1: going to make it work for us? You know. So

512
00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:08,800
Speaker 1: that's something that it's kind of hard. But there's I

513
00:28:08,880 --> 00:28:10,840
Speaker 1: had a lot of couples talk about that five year

514
00:28:10,920 --> 00:28:13,879
Speaker 1: period where it's a lot of transitioning. Some people are

515
00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:15,960
Speaker 1: just moving in together, so it's like trying to figure

516
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:18,120
Speaker 1: out living with someone for the first time as well

517
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:21,240
Speaker 1: as being married. Sometimes it's financial issues that are stresser.

518
00:28:21,280 --> 00:28:23,320
Speaker 1: It's I mean, we got married and had a baby

519
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:25,000
Speaker 1: that was a honeymoon baby, so there were a lot

520
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:28,160
Speaker 1: of changes that happened right away. Um, so that first

521
00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:30,920
Speaker 1: five years is a little touch and go becau treat

522
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:32,359
Speaker 1: You said something that I want I want you to

523
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:34,280
Speaker 1: follow up on. Um. You said that part of the

524
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:36,720
Speaker 1: reason why you got divorced is because you didn't want

525
00:28:36,760 --> 00:28:40,600
Speaker 1: your son to see how you were being treated. And

526
00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:43,680
Speaker 1: I always feel like as a as a boy, as

527
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,440
Speaker 1: a boy dad, there's gonna be two relationships that they're

528
00:28:46,480 --> 00:28:48,280
Speaker 1: going to take with them for the rest of their life.

529
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:50,840
Speaker 1: It's how I treat their mom and how their mom

530
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:54,360
Speaker 1: treats them. That's how they're going to treat the woman

531
00:28:54,480 --> 00:28:58,400
Speaker 1: that they choose to marry the rest of their life. Right, So,

532
00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:01,560
Speaker 1: can you talk a little bit about co parenting in

533
00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:05,200
Speaker 1: that space where dad is not in the home and

534
00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:07,360
Speaker 1: you have a boy, because I have a lot there's

535
00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:09,320
Speaker 1: a lot of single moms who are in my d

536
00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:13,040
Speaker 1: M saying, like this video that you posted, you know,

537
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:16,720
Speaker 1: helped me with my son. How do you find it

538
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:21,600
Speaker 1: is parenting as a single mom two boys? Well, I

539
00:29:21,720 --> 00:29:25,160
Speaker 1: think that you're actually missing one other relationship that's important

540
00:29:25,200 --> 00:29:29,000
Speaker 1: and that's the way that um, the mom treats the dad.

541
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:35,560
Speaker 1: Oh absolutely, yeah, yeah, Um so I think and I

542
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:38,120
Speaker 1: do want to circle back on that because I wish

543
00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:42,560
Speaker 1: there's so many Like I said, I was not perfect.

544
00:29:42,760 --> 00:29:44,720
Speaker 1: So even the way that I reacted to things, or

545
00:29:44,800 --> 00:29:47,880
Speaker 1: the way that I behaved in certain or I would

546
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:52,440
Speaker 1: say the way that I reacted was was not necessarily. Um,

547
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:56,520
Speaker 1: the way that if I saw one of my sons

548
00:29:56,640 --> 00:30:00,640
Speaker 1: they were dating someone as they acted that way, we're

549
00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:06,520
Speaker 1: about to I'm gonna be like, regardless of what my

550
00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:10,080
Speaker 1: kid did. Like, so it's like even just get just

551
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:12,360
Speaker 1: showing them the respect you need to have for a

552
00:30:12,480 --> 00:30:16,320
Speaker 1: person um. But the reason why I said, the way

553
00:30:16,440 --> 00:30:19,280
Speaker 1: the mom treats the dad too. Obviously, yes, the dad

554
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:21,320
Speaker 1: does need to treat the mom a certain way, and

555
00:30:21,360 --> 00:30:24,600
Speaker 1: you need to to show that how important it is

556
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:28,400
Speaker 1: to to, you know, treat the mom the way she's

557
00:30:28,400 --> 00:30:30,400
Speaker 1: supposed to be treated. But I think it's the other

558
00:30:30,440 --> 00:30:33,600
Speaker 1: way too, especially when it comes to feelings. And that

559
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:37,240
Speaker 1: is something that I have learned through therapy and I

560
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:41,720
Speaker 1: have applied to my new relationship where I am encouraging

561
00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:44,920
Speaker 1: him to tell me how he feels from the beginning,

562
00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:47,880
Speaker 1: and I literally in the beginning he was acting like,

563
00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:49,960
Speaker 1: you know, be so tough, you so cool, whatever, And

564
00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:52,200
Speaker 1: I was like, look, if that's how you're about to be,

565
00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:55,880
Speaker 1: that's fine, but it's not for me. Okay, I haven't

566
00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:57,760
Speaker 1: been arounding block. I'm not about to do this again.

567
00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:00,640
Speaker 1: So you we need a talk, need to be open.

568
00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:05,080
Speaker 1: And because I'm encouraging him to tell me his feelings

569
00:31:05,120 --> 00:31:08,400
Speaker 1: and you know whatever, it's it's opened up a whole

570
00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:12,640
Speaker 1: another like part of a relationship that I didn't even

571
00:31:12,720 --> 00:31:15,400
Speaker 1: know you could have with the man where you feel

572
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:18,280
Speaker 1: not only do I feel comfortable being vulnerable with you,

573
00:31:18,400 --> 00:31:22,240
Speaker 1: but you feel comfortable being vulnerable with me and grow

574
00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:27,520
Speaker 1: Like raising boys, I feel like it's this huge circle

575
00:31:27,960 --> 00:31:31,360
Speaker 1: where you have a son and then you teach him

576
00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:33,080
Speaker 1: he needs to be tough, you can't cry, you can't

577
00:31:33,080 --> 00:31:35,320
Speaker 1: do this, blah blah blah. Then they get into a

578
00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:38,520
Speaker 1: relationship with a girl who likes him so much because

579
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:40,440
Speaker 1: he seems macho and tough and he's gonna protect me

580
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:43,320
Speaker 1: or whatever. But then the end of divorce because he

581
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:45,040
Speaker 1: never told me how he felt, or he act like

582
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:47,400
Speaker 1: he didn't care, whatever, And it's like okay. But then

583
00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:49,520
Speaker 1: y'all had a kid who you're now raising to be

584
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:52,200
Speaker 1: macho and and it's like a whole circle boy over

585
00:31:52,320 --> 00:31:56,640
Speaker 1: and over. And it's that aspect of showing boys that

586
00:31:56,720 --> 00:32:00,760
Speaker 1: it's okay to be vulnerable and and and show their feelings.

587
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:03,680
Speaker 1: And even with my oldest son, I was the mom

588
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:06,520
Speaker 1: when he was younger, like you can't cry. You're a boy,

589
00:32:06,720 --> 00:32:08,440
Speaker 1: you can't do this, you can't do that, you know,

590
00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:11,760
Speaker 1: And and I was hard on him. I'm hard on

591
00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:16,480
Speaker 1: my nieces too, you know, like is it worth you crying?

592
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,400
Speaker 1: Is it? You know? Which is crazy because I'm a

593
00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:21,479
Speaker 1: cry baby. But I think because I never wanted them

594
00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:23,240
Speaker 1: to be a cry baby like me. I'm like, why

595
00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:27,280
Speaker 1: are you crying? But I think now that my son

596
00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:30,040
Speaker 1: is older and this happened too, I put him in

597
00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:33,880
Speaker 1: therapy when we got divorced, too, and a lot of

598
00:32:33,960 --> 00:32:36,320
Speaker 1: those things came out. We were able to talk to

599
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:40,400
Speaker 1: each other, and it was like, once I gave him

600
00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:43,840
Speaker 1: permission to be vulnerable with me, now now he's telling

601
00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:45,719
Speaker 1: me stuff that I don't think he would have ever

602
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:49,120
Speaker 1: told me before, and now it's changed our relationships. So

603
00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:54,520
Speaker 1: while I think it is extremely important to demonstrate, you know,

604
00:32:55,320 --> 00:32:58,720
Speaker 1: how how a mom should be treated, how how a

605
00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:01,720
Speaker 1: husband should treat a wife, I also feel like it

606
00:33:01,920 --> 00:33:05,520
Speaker 1: is equally important to not only show how a mom

607
00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:08,200
Speaker 1: shooting or or a wife should encourage a husband to

608
00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:12,160
Speaker 1: share his feelings, but a man being comfortable sharing his

609
00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:15,240
Speaker 1: feelings too. We we were just talking about that without boys,

610
00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:18,320
Speaker 1: because there's a balance, because I'm definitely that dad that's

611
00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:21,440
Speaker 1: just like, yo, is that worth crying? Sucked the tears up?

612
00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:24,000
Speaker 1: It's not, that's not necessary. But I'm also the dad

613
00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:26,080
Speaker 1: they'd be like, Okay, you need to cry, Come cry

614
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:30,360
Speaker 1: with me, because I want my my boys to understand

615
00:33:30,400 --> 00:33:32,960
Speaker 1: that you can only be vulnerable with people you trust.

616
00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:35,280
Speaker 1: You know, you can't just go out there in the

617
00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:37,640
Speaker 1: world and just be vulnerable with anybody. People gonna take

618
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:41,360
Speaker 1: advantage of you. So vulnerability is supposed to be a

619
00:33:41,440 --> 00:33:44,560
Speaker 1: selective usage, you know, like, don't just go out there

620
00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:46,720
Speaker 1: and meet any girl and just start opening your heart

621
00:33:46,800 --> 00:33:49,600
Speaker 1: to any girl or any friend. You just open your

622
00:33:49,640 --> 00:33:52,120
Speaker 1: heart to. Know. There's certain people you cry in front of,

623
00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:54,800
Speaker 1: and then there's certain people that you just I'm a

624
00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:57,200
Speaker 1: whole less ship in because I don't trust this motherfucker,

625
00:33:57,640 --> 00:34:00,360
Speaker 1: and I think you know, it's it's important for young

626
00:34:00,440 --> 00:34:03,160
Speaker 1: men and young women to know that it's okay to

627
00:34:03,400 --> 00:34:06,960
Speaker 1: use discernment with who to be vulnerable with. Absolutely you

628
00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:10,359
Speaker 1: mentioned um when you introduce yourself gentle parenting, what does

629
00:34:10,440 --> 00:34:13,120
Speaker 1: that look like to you in your scope of parenting

630
00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:16,200
Speaker 1: with boys? It looks it looks like a lot of wine.

631
00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:24,120
Speaker 1: It looks like because this ship, Oh my god, you

632
00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:26,560
Speaker 1: have me dying on the reel you did recently where

633
00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:30,440
Speaker 1: it was the usher intro and it was like they

634
00:34:30,480 --> 00:34:32,320
Speaker 1: called when the school calls you to tell you that

635
00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:36,360
Speaker 1: virtual learning is back in and what's the beginning of

636
00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:42,920
Speaker 1: that When he's just like stop playing how you know? No, No,

637
00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:51,040
Speaker 1: you really know. It's just like light weight. I was like,

638
00:34:51,160 --> 00:34:53,320
Speaker 1: you got something be kidding me because we thought we

639
00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:55,960
Speaker 1: were smooth sailing. Now all of a sudden, back in

640
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:58,959
Speaker 1: the house, up again, Back in the house, locked up again.

641
00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:01,719
Speaker 1: So I it's funny I might be that one mom.

642
00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:03,640
Speaker 1: A's just like I kind of like my kids where

643
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:05,520
Speaker 1: I can see him because I tell my husband all

644
00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:07,000
Speaker 1: the time, I said, the only time I feel like

645
00:35:07,120 --> 00:35:09,960
Speaker 1: my I'm at ease is when I know that all

646
00:35:10,520 --> 00:35:12,640
Speaker 1: of my manner in the house. That means my husband

647
00:35:12,880 --> 00:35:15,239
Speaker 1: and my four boys. If one of them is out

648
00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:17,560
Speaker 1: doing whatever it is, I feel like I'm in a

649
00:35:17,640 --> 00:35:20,560
Speaker 1: constant state of worry. I need them where I can

650
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:23,320
Speaker 1: see them. Um, but I want to shift gears a

651
00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:25,520
Speaker 1: little bit, Katris now and just talk a little bit

652
00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:29,000
Speaker 1: more on the parenting side about advocating for your child.

653
00:35:29,080 --> 00:35:32,399
Speaker 1: So I know that your youngest son, UM, who's almost fine.

654
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:36,160
Speaker 1: What's his name again? Ashton? Right? Ashton? So, Ashton was

655
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:38,040
Speaker 1: diagnosed with autism. Can you tell us a little bit

656
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:41,399
Speaker 1: about your journey with that um to diagnosis and where

657
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:44,640
Speaker 1: you are now. So actually got diagnosed with autism and

658
00:35:44,719 --> 00:35:47,359
Speaker 1: two years ago when he was he was born five

659
00:35:47,440 --> 00:35:51,400
Speaker 1: years ago. And when he was born, um, he's he's

660
00:35:51,960 --> 00:35:56,480
Speaker 1: pretty you know, like typical baby did everything was met

661
00:35:56,520 --> 00:35:59,120
Speaker 1: all of his mouth stones and everything. And and then

662
00:35:59,160 --> 00:36:04,680
Speaker 1: at a certain point we started to realize that his um,

663
00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:09,440
Speaker 1: he was like staying the same, like he wasn't growing.

664
00:36:09,520 --> 00:36:12,200
Speaker 1: And here he was physically growing, but like mentally it

665
00:36:12,320 --> 00:36:13,960
Speaker 1: wasn't like he was doing the things that most babies

666
00:36:14,000 --> 00:36:18,080
Speaker 1: would do. UM. One of the things he started crawling

667
00:36:18,239 --> 00:36:21,200
Speaker 1: with and with like one of his back legs and

668
00:36:21,280 --> 00:36:22,840
Speaker 1: the other one he would kind of like drag his

669
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:24,719
Speaker 1: back leg. And at first we thought it was cute.

670
00:36:24,880 --> 00:36:31,480
Speaker 1: We were like, oh, okay, yeah, like that's cute whatever. Um.

671
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:35,840
Speaker 1: And then he started you know how babies, you know

672
00:36:35,880 --> 00:36:37,960
Speaker 1: how sometimes they'll get startled and they'll put their hands

673
00:36:38,000 --> 00:36:42,120
Speaker 1: out like okay, that's a normal thing. But when they're

674
00:36:42,239 --> 00:36:45,080
Speaker 1: a year old and they're still doing it, it's no

675
00:36:45,360 --> 00:36:50,000
Speaker 1: longer so you know normal. UM. So so typical not normal.

676
00:36:50,440 --> 00:36:53,120
Speaker 1: It's not a typical thing for a one year old

677
00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:59,040
Speaker 1: to do. So. UM, by eighteen or by fifteen months,

678
00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:01,960
Speaker 1: I think it was fifteen or sixteen months. UM, we

679
00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:03,719
Speaker 1: took him to the doctor and we're like, you know,

680
00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:06,800
Speaker 1: he's not saying anything. He doesn't really make eye contact

681
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:11,440
Speaker 1: with us, he doesn't really play with his brothers. I mean,

682
00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:13,640
Speaker 1: and his brothers were ten years older than him, so

683
00:37:13,840 --> 00:37:15,879
Speaker 1: we kind of were like, well, maybe it's just because

684
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:20,839
Speaker 1: they're not whatever. And so the doctor was like, m well,

685
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:23,680
Speaker 1: let's wait until eighteen months. We'll come back, we'll look

686
00:37:23,719 --> 00:37:26,200
Speaker 1: at him and see and I'm like, okay, but a

687
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:30,040
Speaker 1: mom knows you have the feeling in your debt. Everybody

688
00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:32,759
Speaker 1: else in my family was like, he's fine, and I

689
00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:36,800
Speaker 1: just I knew something was off. Um, and I was

690
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:39,200
Speaker 1: crying and all this stuff, and they're like, you're doing

691
00:37:39,280 --> 00:37:43,280
Speaker 1: the most. Everything is fine, and they're like, oh, June

692
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:46,759
Speaker 1: buzz from such start talking any started talking to he

693
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:50,440
Speaker 1: was sick, they started walking soil. He was seven, and

694
00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:55,719
Speaker 1: you're like, okay, okay, that's good for them, but I

695
00:37:55,840 --> 00:38:00,080
Speaker 1: know something you know, so um. Then finally he he

696
00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:02,600
Speaker 1: wants to go see uh or he didn't even were

697
00:38:02,600 --> 00:38:04,880
Speaker 1: supposed to see a developmental pediatrician, which is one of

698
00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:08,080
Speaker 1: the hardest doctors to get into for a child because

699
00:38:08,239 --> 00:38:11,600
Speaker 1: you literally are going to the doctors saying I think

700
00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:15,560
Speaker 1: my child has some kind of developmental disability, and they're like, okay,

701
00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:18,359
Speaker 1: well we can see you in a year for a diagnosis.

702
00:38:18,680 --> 00:38:21,680
Speaker 1: And that's sometimes like while you're on like a waiting list,

703
00:38:21,719 --> 00:38:25,120
Speaker 1: and you're like what the fuck. So before you even

704
00:38:25,200 --> 00:38:27,920
Speaker 1: do that, to even get to actually seeing the doctor,

705
00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:30,320
Speaker 1: you have to do this phone call that takes like

706
00:38:30,480 --> 00:38:33,279
Speaker 1: thirty minutes, and they asked you like a hundred and

707
00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:36,000
Speaker 1: something questions. It's like yes or no questions, as your

708
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:38,000
Speaker 1: child do this, there's a child do that, blah blah blah.

709
00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:40,359
Speaker 1: So I'm sitting on the phone and I'm answering all

710
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:43,680
Speaker 1: these questions at this point asking is is two years old,

711
00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:48,160
Speaker 1: and I'm I'm answering all these questions and he's at

712
00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:49,680
Speaker 1: the end he's like all right, well he doesn't sound

713
00:38:49,719 --> 00:38:51,600
Speaker 1: like he's about to speak to me, things like he's fine,

714
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:54,279
Speaker 1: we'll come back in six months to a year, oh

715
00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:57,040
Speaker 1: my god. And I'm like that should just don't seem right,

716
00:38:57,200 --> 00:38:58,880
Speaker 1: Like for you don't even see him, you don't need

717
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:00,960
Speaker 1: to see him. You're just just talking to me over

718
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:05,839
Speaker 1: the phone and asking me general ask questions and how

719
00:39:05,920 --> 00:39:07,640
Speaker 1: are you supposed to know? You know, if you're not

720
00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:14,879
Speaker 1: do stupid ship too where it's like if you give

721
00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:17,520
Speaker 1: him a bottle will and a cheerio, will he put

722
00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:23,080
Speaker 1: the cheerio inside of the bottle. I'm like, I mean, like,

723
00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:25,040
Speaker 1: what the hell I want me? Like, what the fun

724
00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:27,120
Speaker 1: is this? Why are you handing it to me? Like?

725
00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:29,320
Speaker 1: You know? So it was like questions. A lot of

726
00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:32,279
Speaker 1: them were throwing me off too. Later I found out

727
00:39:32,320 --> 00:39:34,279
Speaker 1: that when you have one of those things, you should

728
00:39:34,320 --> 00:39:36,920
Speaker 1: exaggerate your answers if you really feel it though your

729
00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:39,600
Speaker 1: child is on the spectrum, because they just kind of

730
00:39:39,760 --> 00:39:41,520
Speaker 1: like and that way you can go to see the

731
00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:45,719
Speaker 1: doctor where you know. So then we went they went

732
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:48,319
Speaker 1: took him back to the pediatrician. I'm like, something is wrong,

733
00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:50,840
Speaker 1: y'all going I need something. They put him in the

734
00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:54,640
Speaker 1: infant and toler program. She just diagnosed him with um

735
00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:58,160
Speaker 1: severe developmental delay, he said. She said it should be fine,

736
00:39:58,200 --> 00:40:00,000
Speaker 1: he should catch up. And I said, okay, I want

737
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:03,400
Speaker 1: to get in with a pediatrician. You know, whatever pandemic happens.

738
00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:06,479
Speaker 1: We're on the wait list for a year and a half.

739
00:40:06,680 --> 00:40:08,320
Speaker 1: That was the time frame they had given us. With

740
00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:13,120
Speaker 1: a year, I happened to call right maybe a month

741
00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:16,920
Speaker 1: after the pandemic, or maybe two months after the pandemic started,

742
00:40:17,239 --> 00:40:20,239
Speaker 1: and I just aslad, can't put me on the weight list.

743
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:22,360
Speaker 1: You know, we have an appointment for a year and

744
00:40:22,360 --> 00:40:24,320
Speaker 1: a half from now, but can you put me on

745
00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:26,800
Speaker 1: the wait list in case something happens? I kid you not.

746
00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:28,800
Speaker 1: The very next day she called me and said we

747
00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:33,400
Speaker 1: had a cancelation Friday, and I was like, I was

748
00:40:33,520 --> 00:40:37,239
Speaker 1: like absolutely. Now. At this point Ashton, I had been

749
00:40:37,320 --> 00:40:39,520
Speaker 1: home with Ashton for two months. I am the least

750
00:40:39,600 --> 00:40:41,920
Speaker 1: patient person you whatever mean, but I'm also the most

751
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:45,719
Speaker 1: determined person. So the moment they told me that he

752
00:40:45,800 --> 00:40:49,200
Speaker 1: had a developmental delay, I started doing all this research.

753
00:40:49,239 --> 00:40:51,080
Speaker 1: I started doing all this work with him. I changed

754
00:40:51,120 --> 00:40:53,520
Speaker 1: I found this this other mom that I had met

755
00:40:53,600 --> 00:40:56,600
Speaker 1: started telling me she was changing up her kids diet

756
00:40:56,800 --> 00:40:58,800
Speaker 1: and to read this book and read that, and so

757
00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:01,280
Speaker 1: I started doing all this res put him on supplements.

758
00:41:01,320 --> 00:41:05,440
Speaker 1: A lot of Ship was just me fucking guessing like, okay,

759
00:41:05,480 --> 00:41:07,120
Speaker 1: well they said this is good for this. I'm not

760
00:41:07,200 --> 00:41:09,800
Speaker 1: a fucking obviously, I'm not a doctor, but I'm like,

761
00:41:10,200 --> 00:41:11,800
Speaker 1: I'm gonna try this. I'm gonna try that because I

762
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:14,520
Speaker 1: can tell Ship was not okay with it like he

763
00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,640
Speaker 1: was at this point, he's two and a half and

764
00:41:16,719 --> 00:41:18,680
Speaker 1: he's not saying even mom or dad, you know, like

765
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:21,680
Speaker 1: he's not saying nothing like okay. So by the time

766
00:41:21,760 --> 00:41:25,920
Speaker 1: he sees the developmental pediatrician, um, it was a two

767
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:28,960
Speaker 1: hours zoom call. And this guy is sitting there talking

768
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:30,759
Speaker 1: to him and he's going over all of his notes

769
00:41:30,800 --> 00:41:33,080
Speaker 1: because he had been in the Infinite Tiller program for

770
00:41:33,120 --> 00:41:34,960
Speaker 1: a year at that point. So when you're in the

771
00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:39,800
Speaker 1: Infinite Holler program, they send a therapist to your house. Uh. However,

772
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:44,040
Speaker 1: many times a week the pediatrician recommends and they evaluate them,

773
00:41:44,120 --> 00:41:47,600
Speaker 1: and they compiled this list or this this file on

774
00:41:47,719 --> 00:41:49,920
Speaker 1: your child of all the of the things that you

775
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:53,480
Speaker 1: know that they've observed. So he keeps on asking me,

776
00:41:53,640 --> 00:41:56,839
Speaker 1: is this the same kid from such a such date,

777
00:41:56,960 --> 00:41:58,920
Speaker 1: Is this the same kid? Because at this point Ashton

778
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:03,080
Speaker 1: had made a lot of big changes. He wasn't saying

779
00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:06,239
Speaker 1: word yet, but he could identify ship and just three

780
00:42:06,280 --> 00:42:08,560
Speaker 1: months before the pandemic, he wasn't saying, you know, like

781
00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:12,640
Speaker 1: different things. Um. But one of the reasons why he

782
00:42:12,719 --> 00:42:15,560
Speaker 1: did end up diagnosing Ashton with autism was because and

783
00:42:15,640 --> 00:42:18,400
Speaker 1: I actually it just happened this morning. I was actually

784
00:42:18,480 --> 00:42:21,440
Speaker 1: just doing a video on it before we did this UM.

785
00:42:22,440 --> 00:42:23,759
Speaker 1: One of the things he told me to do was

786
00:42:23,800 --> 00:42:25,680
Speaker 1: to pretend that I was crying and turned my back

787
00:42:25,719 --> 00:42:28,919
Speaker 1: to Ashton to see if Ashton even looked my way

788
00:42:29,560 --> 00:42:33,359
Speaker 1: or anything. And so I pretended to cry and then

789
00:42:33,680 --> 00:42:35,920
Speaker 1: he just was not, like he was like all right.

790
00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:40,200
Speaker 1: So then I was like, well, let me let me

791
00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:45,600
Speaker 1: turn it up. I'm not believable. I'm sobbing. I should

792
00:42:45,640 --> 00:42:50,400
Speaker 1: have won award for this performant. I'm I and this

793
00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:53,160
Speaker 1: man still like playing with his little toys like whatever.

794
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,120
Speaker 1: I'm like, what's the fun? Like he don't see me.

795
00:42:55,920 --> 00:42:58,120
Speaker 1: I need you, I did you to you know, don't

796
00:42:58,160 --> 00:43:00,880
Speaker 1: hold me? And he just nope them to know. So

797
00:43:01,160 --> 00:43:03,800
Speaker 1: the doctor starts writing all this ship down after that

798
00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:05,840
Speaker 1: one like writing off. So at the end one he

799
00:43:05,920 --> 00:43:08,720
Speaker 1: diagnosed and he said, you know, one of the biggest

800
00:43:09,200 --> 00:43:12,440
Speaker 1: UM signs that I saw with him, it was like

801
00:43:12,520 --> 00:43:15,000
Speaker 1: a lack of empathy or you know, he just didn't

802
00:43:15,080 --> 00:43:18,080
Speaker 1: have that. You know, even if if I seemed frustrated

803
00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:20,200
Speaker 1: or flustered or anything, Ashton wouldn't even look my way.

804
00:43:20,440 --> 00:43:23,680
Speaker 1: He was just in his own world. So That was

805
00:43:23,719 --> 00:43:26,640
Speaker 1: two years ago, and probably every week after that for

806
00:43:26,680 --> 00:43:29,160
Speaker 1: about a year and a half, I would randomly pretend

807
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:31,719
Speaker 1: I was crying to see if ash didn't even care.

808
00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:35,600
Speaker 1: Maybe like maybe towards the end of that year and

809
00:43:35,640 --> 00:43:38,200
Speaker 1: a half, maybe like two weeks into it, he started

810
00:43:38,640 --> 00:43:40,799
Speaker 1: like looking but he would just start laughing, like he's

811
00:43:40,840 --> 00:43:45,759
Speaker 1: just an asshole, Like I'm laughing me. So you may

812
00:43:45,800 --> 00:43:50,480
Speaker 1: be autistic because every time I try to like to

813
00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:52,800
Speaker 1: pay attention to me, I'll be like solid and crying

814
00:43:53,360 --> 00:43:56,080
Speaker 1: and she'd be ignoring me, and I'll be like, yo,

815
00:43:56,280 --> 00:43:58,200
Speaker 1: what did she just so I'd be going hard, you

816
00:43:58,239 --> 00:44:01,759
Speaker 1: know what, saying I'm a thespian, I do this. I

817
00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:04,440
Speaker 1: hear giggling in the bank and I turned around without

818
00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:07,840
Speaker 1: you laughing. You're laughing at my pain. Now I know

819
00:44:07,920 --> 00:44:13,879
Speaker 1: what it is. Now I know what it is. Does

820
00:44:15,520 --> 00:44:18,800
Speaker 1: he started laughing, this is what it is? Yeah, So

821
00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:22,320
Speaker 1: when he started laughing at I didn't care. I was like, okay, whatever,

822
00:44:22,360 --> 00:44:24,319
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna do. I was six months. I haven't

823
00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:28,040
Speaker 1: done it in six months this morning. Now, Ashton's personality

824
00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:32,399
Speaker 1: has really come out a lot. He has he has

825
00:44:32,560 --> 00:44:38,440
Speaker 1: become this child that is very vocable, vocal about how

826
00:44:38,480 --> 00:44:42,000
Speaker 1: he feels, and which is a great very bad attitude,

827
00:44:43,200 --> 00:44:46,000
Speaker 1: very bad attitude, which is great for a child who

828
00:44:46,239 --> 00:44:48,319
Speaker 1: was literally in his own world and did not care.

829
00:44:48,480 --> 00:44:50,600
Speaker 1: You're like, I'll take it. We can work on that. Yes,

830
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:53,279
Speaker 1: So this morning he was at his dad yesterday, so

831
00:44:53,440 --> 00:44:55,160
Speaker 1: when I picked him up last fight, he went to sleep.

832
00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:57,319
Speaker 1: This morning, I'm like, you want to play? I walked

833
00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:59,080
Speaker 1: into his room. He's playing with all his toys. Normally

834
00:44:59,080 --> 00:45:00,359
Speaker 1: he wants to play. I was like, who you want

835
00:45:00,400 --> 00:45:02,279
Speaker 1: to play? And he was like no. And when it

836
00:45:02,320 --> 00:45:04,360
Speaker 1: closed the door, in my case, like this when the

837
00:45:04,400 --> 00:45:08,799
Speaker 1: gentle parenting comes in, because the old Katrees would kick

838
00:45:08,880 --> 00:45:11,000
Speaker 1: down the door and be like, who the fuck are you?

839
00:45:11,200 --> 00:45:16,400
Speaker 1: You know what I was, Oh, I calmly opened up

840
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:18,359
Speaker 1: the door, and I sat in the corner. I said,

841
00:45:18,360 --> 00:45:21,000
Speaker 1: I wonder what will happen if I pretend to cry?

842
00:45:21,680 --> 00:45:23,600
Speaker 1: So I pulled out my phone and just turned it

843
00:45:23,680 --> 00:45:26,600
Speaker 1: on record, and I pretended to cry, and I kind

844
00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:28,799
Speaker 1: of looked over my shoulder at him, and he looked

845
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:30,560
Speaker 1: back at me. So I'm like, okay, he's looking back

846
00:45:30,640 --> 00:45:34,120
Speaker 1: at me. And then he stood up and he's like, hey, mommy, Hey,

847
00:45:34,200 --> 00:45:37,080
Speaker 1: mommy behind me. He's like, hey mommy, Hey mommy, And

848
00:45:37,200 --> 00:45:39,960
Speaker 1: I'm still crying because I was so into the performance.

849
00:45:40,600 --> 00:45:44,840
Speaker 1: Probably really know exactly. I was like in it. I

850
00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:47,040
Speaker 1: was in it. And he was like my, hey mommy,

851
00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:49,440
Speaker 1: Hey mommy. And then I said yes, asked me. He

852
00:45:49,520 --> 00:45:52,560
Speaker 1: said why are you crying? Which I would never I mean,

853
00:45:52,640 --> 00:45:56,239
Speaker 1: this man a year ago was not even saying even

854
00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:58,120
Speaker 1: two words in the sense, but now, and he said

855
00:45:58,160 --> 00:46:00,359
Speaker 1: why are you crying? And I said because you made

856
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:03,279
Speaker 1: me sad? And he said, okay, let's play. And I

857
00:46:03,440 --> 00:46:10,040
Speaker 1: was like, not start, do not start, really start crying

858
00:46:10,239 --> 00:46:12,640
Speaker 1: right now. So I was like okay, And I'm like

859
00:46:12,800 --> 00:46:14,480
Speaker 1: so excited to play with him and do all this

860
00:46:14,520 --> 00:46:18,040
Speaker 1: stuff because it was like, you know, it's it's little

861
00:46:18,160 --> 00:46:22,560
Speaker 1: things that that when you go through this, when when

862
00:46:22,600 --> 00:46:24,400
Speaker 1: you when you have a child whoo's autistic, there's so

863
00:46:24,480 --> 00:46:28,360
Speaker 1: many feelings that you have of um, You're you're angry,

864
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:31,680
Speaker 1: You're you're jealous. You see other parents or you know,

865
00:46:31,840 --> 00:46:34,520
Speaker 1: with with their kids and you know, just the simplest thing,

866
00:46:35,600 --> 00:46:38,920
Speaker 1: um for for a parent with a child with autism

867
00:46:39,080 --> 00:46:42,920
Speaker 1: is not simple. You can imagine. I can't imagine. It's

868
00:46:42,920 --> 00:46:44,960
Speaker 1: a level of maybe like guilt or wondering did you

869
00:46:45,040 --> 00:46:49,360
Speaker 1: do something, guilt something to prevent it? Exactly, I couldn't

870
00:46:49,360 --> 00:46:51,879
Speaker 1: hold down prenatal vitamin So for the first like three

871
00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:56,279
Speaker 1: months of his his diagnosis, I blame myself. He didn't

872
00:46:56,280 --> 00:46:58,279
Speaker 1: get the vitamins he needed. He didn't you know, I

873
00:46:58,360 --> 00:47:00,320
Speaker 1: didn't do I should have just pushed through, should have

874
00:47:00,360 --> 00:47:02,640
Speaker 1: just kept on trying to take them. Um. And then

875
00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:06,000
Speaker 1: you get the mama bear where it's like you go

876
00:47:06,160 --> 00:47:07,920
Speaker 1: out and people are looking at you. Because there's a

877
00:47:07,960 --> 00:47:11,200
Speaker 1: thing called stemming where every child with autism has a different,

878
00:47:11,280 --> 00:47:15,120
Speaker 1: different little courts or whatever. Ashton's is. When he gets excited,

879
00:47:15,160 --> 00:47:17,200
Speaker 1: he stems, but we like extend his hands out like

880
00:47:17,280 --> 00:47:20,160
Speaker 1: he gets really excited or stamps on his timtotoes. And

881
00:47:20,360 --> 00:47:24,160
Speaker 1: you you see other parents looking, or you see other kids,

882
00:47:24,560 --> 00:47:26,520
Speaker 1: and I don't care how old you are, moving my baby,

883
00:47:28,239 --> 00:47:38,080
Speaker 1: you know you're automatically like turn the around, right. I

884
00:47:38,160 --> 00:47:42,080
Speaker 1: am grateful that I feel over this pandemic. I honestly

885
00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:46,880
Speaker 1: feel like people have been more open about autism on

886
00:47:47,120 --> 00:47:52,759
Speaker 1: social media because the looks that I would get before, um,

887
00:47:53,080 --> 00:47:56,880
Speaker 1: the pandemic and the looks now even though Ashton obviously

888
00:47:57,080 --> 00:48:01,479
Speaker 1: has has um. He has developed and like it's reaching

889
00:48:01,520 --> 00:48:04,120
Speaker 1: more milstone, so he's not as you know, it's not

890
00:48:04,400 --> 00:48:07,240
Speaker 1: as intense like it's seming and stuff. But it's different.

891
00:48:07,320 --> 00:48:10,080
Speaker 1: It's almost like and I can look at other parents too,

892
00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:13,960
Speaker 1: and I can look at a child that probably some

893
00:48:14,120 --> 00:48:16,680
Speaker 1: other people wouldn't notice, but I can notice that your

894
00:48:16,760 --> 00:48:18,520
Speaker 1: your kid must be on the spectrum. And you kind

895
00:48:18,560 --> 00:48:20,760
Speaker 1: of look at the parents and it's a feeling of comfort,

896
00:48:20,840 --> 00:48:23,960
Speaker 1: like and you kind of suit closer to them at

897
00:48:24,000 --> 00:48:26,279
Speaker 1: the playground and it's like, oh, we can understand our

898
00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:29,160
Speaker 1: kids can play together, you know. So I think it's

899
00:48:29,280 --> 00:48:34,120
Speaker 1: it's such it's such an emotional thing. And the autism

900
00:48:34,239 --> 00:48:38,560
Speaker 1: community is great, but even within that community, there's a

901
00:48:39,800 --> 00:48:42,319
Speaker 1: there's a divide amongst some of the parents because there's

902
00:48:42,360 --> 00:48:45,480
Speaker 1: some parents who are who believe certain things and this

903
00:48:45,680 --> 00:48:47,560
Speaker 1: is how you should treat your child with autism, and

904
00:48:47,600 --> 00:48:50,600
Speaker 1: there's some parents think otherwise. And you know, at the

905
00:48:50,680 --> 00:48:52,839
Speaker 1: end of the day, nobody knows what the funk we're doing.

906
00:48:52,960 --> 00:48:54,920
Speaker 1: We're just trying to make sure our children have the

907
00:48:54,960 --> 00:48:59,800
Speaker 1: brightest future. But you have those people who are just

908
00:49:00,080 --> 00:49:02,000
Speaker 1: so angry and they feel like they just got to

909
00:49:02,080 --> 00:49:04,000
Speaker 1: tell you this. They tell you that I have people

910
00:49:04,040 --> 00:49:06,440
Speaker 1: all the time because I share the things that I've

911
00:49:06,480 --> 00:49:09,040
Speaker 1: done with Ashton so that you know that he has

912
00:49:09,160 --> 00:49:12,080
Speaker 1: made all of these big strides and changes, and you know,

913
00:49:12,320 --> 00:49:14,920
Speaker 1: and has grown so much. And I share it because

914
00:49:14,960 --> 00:49:16,840
Speaker 1: I feel like it would be wrong of me not

915
00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:21,319
Speaker 1: to share something that has changed our lives so drastically,

916
00:49:21,400 --> 00:49:23,480
Speaker 1: to the point where in therapy they have now tested

917
00:49:23,560 --> 00:49:26,279
Speaker 1: him out. He's completely caught up with you know, kids

918
00:49:26,360 --> 00:49:28,800
Speaker 1: his his own age. So then our parents coming on

919
00:49:28,920 --> 00:49:32,719
Speaker 1: my page saying like, well, not autism isn't something you

920
00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:34,440
Speaker 1: can heal. Stop trying to make it seem like it's

921
00:49:34,440 --> 00:49:36,600
Speaker 1: something that can just go away when I'm not. I'm

922
00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:38,760
Speaker 1: just trying to get my baby the brightest future possible

923
00:49:38,800 --> 00:49:41,360
Speaker 1: and trying to share that information, you know. Or there's

924
00:49:41,520 --> 00:49:45,640
Speaker 1: there's people who have autism adults who come in and

925
00:49:45,760 --> 00:49:49,799
Speaker 1: they say, we don't want anybody you're we don't want

926
00:49:49,840 --> 00:49:51,480
Speaker 1: people to know when we have autism. We don't feel

927
00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:53,600
Speaker 1: like we need to broadcast it. So your something probably

928
00:49:53,680 --> 00:49:57,600
Speaker 1: wouldn't either. And that's the one hundred percent fine, you know,

929
00:49:58,160 --> 00:50:00,279
Speaker 1: with how they want to handle it. And and my

930
00:50:00,400 --> 00:50:03,719
Speaker 1: son is right now, I am his boy four years old,

931
00:50:03,840 --> 00:50:05,839
Speaker 1: I am his boyfriend, and the way that I am

932
00:50:05,920 --> 00:50:07,880
Speaker 1: raising him is to be proud of who he is.

933
00:50:08,200 --> 00:50:10,480
Speaker 1: There is nothing wrong with it, and I feel like

934
00:50:10,680 --> 00:50:14,880
Speaker 1: the only way. There's so many people who even growing

935
00:50:15,280 --> 00:50:18,240
Speaker 1: who I grew up with, who even in elementary school,

936
00:50:18,239 --> 00:50:20,920
Speaker 1: I remember they were the bad kid or they got trump.

937
00:50:22,760 --> 00:50:24,560
Speaker 1: Now I'm thinking back on it, like they probably were

938
00:50:24,600 --> 00:50:28,000
Speaker 1: just on the spectrum. Especially in the black community, everything

939
00:50:28,160 --> 00:50:30,800
Speaker 1: is like completely ignored. He's just bad. You need to

940
00:50:30,840 --> 00:50:34,200
Speaker 1: be his ass or you know, just being around or

941
00:50:34,320 --> 00:50:37,400
Speaker 1: this and that, and it's like, no, you need to

942
00:50:37,440 --> 00:50:39,719
Speaker 1: take a step back and and see you know, their

943
00:50:39,800 --> 00:50:42,880
Speaker 1: signs and things. So it's not not to cut you off.

944
00:50:43,320 --> 00:50:45,560
Speaker 1: But it's not just in the black community. Because I

945
00:50:45,640 --> 00:50:48,319
Speaker 1: worked at Polly Prep and Brooklyn, which is a bunch

946
00:50:48,360 --> 00:50:51,200
Speaker 1: of wealthy white families, and there was definitely some kids

947
00:50:51,239 --> 00:50:53,680
Speaker 1: who are on the spectrum. Their way of covering it

948
00:50:53,800 --> 00:50:57,080
Speaker 1: up is paying their kids way through life. So we

949
00:50:57,400 --> 00:51:00,759
Speaker 1: we had kids who were on the spectrum who I'm

950
00:51:00,800 --> 00:51:03,759
Speaker 1: I can't out him, but his dad used to put

951
00:51:03,840 --> 00:51:07,960
Speaker 1: a library so that he can graduate from middle school

952
00:51:08,040 --> 00:51:10,480
Speaker 1: to high school or you know, make sure make sure

953
00:51:10,520 --> 00:51:12,120
Speaker 1: he gets his diploma. One time with the rest of

954
00:51:12,200 --> 00:51:15,239
Speaker 1: his class, I'll put a football feeling like there's there's

955
00:51:15,239 --> 00:51:19,480
Speaker 1: always donations, yes, but but what you do. I think

956
00:51:19,920 --> 00:51:22,840
Speaker 1: it's so important because when you can add levity to

957
00:51:23,000 --> 00:51:28,040
Speaker 1: something that's so serious, it humanizes the experience. And what

958
00:51:28,239 --> 00:51:31,120
Speaker 1: you said to me, what resonated was the joy you

959
00:51:31,280 --> 00:51:34,240
Speaker 1: felt when he said that simple world was like, Mommy,

960
00:51:34,280 --> 00:51:37,160
Speaker 1: why are you crying? When people can see you have

961
00:51:37,280 --> 00:51:39,920
Speaker 1: that joy as a parent, even even though it's a

962
00:51:40,000 --> 00:51:42,840
Speaker 1: parent with a child that has autism, that joy is

963
00:51:43,160 --> 00:51:46,000
Speaker 1: like we can all relate to that, you know, because

964
00:51:46,040 --> 00:51:48,560
Speaker 1: we as parents, even even if your child doesn't have autism,

965
00:51:48,640 --> 00:51:51,080
Speaker 1: sometimes your child does stuff that you just look at

966
00:51:51,120 --> 00:51:52,680
Speaker 1: them and be like, why the funk would you do that?

967
00:51:53,239 --> 00:51:56,000
Speaker 1: And other parents who have children with you can see

968
00:51:56,040 --> 00:51:57,880
Speaker 1: that and they laugh because they're like, I was just

969
00:51:58,120 --> 00:52:02,520
Speaker 1: there with my child. Allowing us to allowing us to

970
00:52:03,280 --> 00:52:06,439
Speaker 1: allowing yourself to be his voice, allows us to see

971
00:52:07,320 --> 00:52:09,360
Speaker 1: what it's like, and then you you won't have so

972
00:52:09,480 --> 00:52:13,000
Speaker 1: many people staring and wondering what's happening if they already

973
00:52:13,080 --> 00:52:15,880
Speaker 1: understood what's going on. Right. It also makes you better equipped,

974
00:52:15,920 --> 00:52:17,880
Speaker 1: I think as a parent to know there's certain things

975
00:52:17,960 --> 00:52:19,800
Speaker 1: to look for, so, like you said, as opposed to

976
00:52:19,920 --> 00:52:21,719
Speaker 1: looking at the child and say, oh, he's just bad

977
00:52:22,320 --> 00:52:24,600
Speaker 1: or you know, he needs his ass beat or put

978
00:52:24,640 --> 00:52:27,640
Speaker 1: his ass in time out. Now we can actually properly,

979
00:52:27,760 --> 00:52:30,719
Speaker 1: properly diagnose our children or see when they need help

980
00:52:30,760 --> 00:52:33,560
Speaker 1: and then be that advocate. And for Ukuatrisa like that

981
00:52:33,640 --> 00:52:35,160
Speaker 1: blew my mind when you told me that you had

982
00:52:35,200 --> 00:52:37,240
Speaker 1: to wait a whole year for him to see someone.

983
00:52:37,640 --> 00:52:40,440
Speaker 1: So much can happen or not happen with a child's

984
00:52:40,480 --> 00:52:43,920
Speaker 1: developmental phases in a year that you feel like, oh,

985
00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:45,440
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna sit back here and just wait for

986
00:52:45,520 --> 00:52:48,719
Speaker 1: a year before we figure things out. So, you know,

987
00:52:48,960 --> 00:52:50,720
Speaker 1: I think it's great that you took it upon yourself

988
00:52:50,760 --> 00:52:54,320
Speaker 1: to find ways to you know, trial and everythings to

989
00:52:54,360 --> 00:52:56,640
Speaker 1: see what would work and what wouldn't you know and

990
00:52:56,719 --> 00:52:58,840
Speaker 1: then sharing that. I think there's a wealth of knowledge

991
00:52:58,920 --> 00:53:00,680
Speaker 1: just in that. And that's what I think I love

992
00:53:00,719 --> 00:53:03,480
Speaker 1: about um your story. I love that about even just

993
00:53:03,560 --> 00:53:06,160
Speaker 1: our podcast in this platform, because there's so many topics

994
00:53:06,239 --> 00:53:09,040
Speaker 1: that we discuss on here that are always taboo or

995
00:53:09,160 --> 00:53:12,719
Speaker 1: just not spoken about, particularly about the brown communities, and

996
00:53:13,000 --> 00:53:15,560
Speaker 1: we have to get the information out there because there's

997
00:53:15,600 --> 00:53:18,080
Speaker 1: so many resources in that, there's so much support in that,

998
00:53:18,560 --> 00:53:20,360
Speaker 1: and things are not like it's all about healing the

999
00:53:20,400 --> 00:53:24,520
Speaker 1: generations forward and not repeating that cycle of you know,

1000
00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:27,399
Speaker 1: oh he was bad and his his brother was bad

1001
00:53:27,560 --> 00:53:29,560
Speaker 1: and you like you said, Jim bugg and walked until

1002
00:53:29,600 --> 00:53:31,400
Speaker 1: he was six, Like you know, little things like that,

1003
00:53:32,239 --> 00:53:35,400
Speaker 1: UM diagnosing them earlier so the kids in the future

1004
00:53:35,480 --> 00:53:37,640
Speaker 1: have a little bit more hopes. Well, what what were

1005
00:53:37,719 --> 00:53:39,320
Speaker 1: a couple of the things that you've done, because you

1006
00:53:39,440 --> 00:53:42,360
Speaker 1: said that, you know people saying you can't heal autism

1007
00:53:42,400 --> 00:53:43,880
Speaker 1: and you're like, well, I'm not trying to heal it.

1008
00:53:44,280 --> 00:53:45,759
Speaker 1: What I get is that you're trying to be as

1009
00:53:45,840 --> 00:53:49,160
Speaker 1: of much support to your son as possible. What are

1010
00:53:49,200 --> 00:53:51,759
Speaker 1: some of the things you've done to help him be

1011
00:53:51,880 --> 00:53:54,920
Speaker 1: to be a support just from him? Well, when I

1012
00:53:55,040 --> 00:54:00,279
Speaker 1: started him on a series of vitamins and supplements that UM,

1013
00:54:00,880 --> 00:54:03,960
Speaker 1: I got well, I got his metal levels tested, which

1014
00:54:04,480 --> 00:54:06,960
Speaker 1: that was one of the things. The mom that I

1015
00:54:07,080 --> 00:54:09,000
Speaker 1: was saying earlier that I've met, her name is Tiffany.

1016
00:54:09,120 --> 00:54:11,320
Speaker 1: She was telling me that she got her son metals

1017
00:54:11,480 --> 00:54:16,920
Speaker 1: tested UM and toxic or toxins tested. It's like just

1018
00:54:17,040 --> 00:54:20,320
Speaker 1: like a hair test and like a saliva test, and

1019
00:54:20,320 --> 00:54:22,319
Speaker 1: you sent it into this lab and they'll come back

1020
00:54:22,360 --> 00:54:24,040
Speaker 1: and tell you like, yes, there's a high level in

1021
00:54:24,120 --> 00:54:26,200
Speaker 1: your child or whatever. And Ashton had a high level

1022
00:54:26,239 --> 00:54:30,040
Speaker 1: of mercury and the boominum in the system. Um, and

1023
00:54:30,160 --> 00:54:33,520
Speaker 1: what can happen? Again, I'm not a doctor. This is

1024
00:54:33,600 --> 00:54:36,000
Speaker 1: me telling you guys how I process the information. So

1025
00:54:36,080 --> 00:54:37,799
Speaker 1: a doctor might be listening and be like this bit

1026
00:54:39,880 --> 00:54:44,640
Speaker 1: is how I process the information. So everybody's body, um,

1027
00:54:45,160 --> 00:54:47,480
Speaker 1: you know, like your liver helps to get rid of

1028
00:54:47,640 --> 00:54:49,879
Speaker 1: metals and toxic it on your body. It flushes it out.

1029
00:54:49,920 --> 00:54:51,360
Speaker 1: That's like supportant to drink a lot of water and

1030
00:54:51,400 --> 00:54:54,440
Speaker 1: get all that stuff out. Some people's bodies do not

1031
00:54:54,760 --> 00:54:58,359
Speaker 1: have the proper ability to flesh out metals and toxic

1032
00:54:58,480 --> 00:55:00,840
Speaker 1: there's metals and toxics and everything we eat, everything we do,

1033
00:55:01,640 --> 00:55:03,560
Speaker 1: you know. So I'm not going to go into the

1034
00:55:03,680 --> 00:55:09,560
Speaker 1: reasons why you know, he might have medals and toxics

1035
00:55:09,600 --> 00:55:13,200
Speaker 1: in his system, um, because that's a huge thing. But

1036
00:55:14,280 --> 00:55:16,680
Speaker 1: I think for him, once I found that out, I

1037
00:55:16,719 --> 00:55:21,680
Speaker 1: started finding supplements and and um and vitamins that would

1038
00:55:21,719 --> 00:55:26,880
Speaker 1: not only help him with removing safely removing those toxic

1039
00:55:27,160 --> 00:55:30,040
Speaker 1: those medals and toxics, but also would help in areas

1040
00:55:30,160 --> 00:55:33,759
Speaker 1: that he was deficient and so for instance, asked used

1041
00:55:33,760 --> 00:55:36,239
Speaker 1: to grind his teeth all the time, like just we

1042
00:55:36,440 --> 00:55:38,160
Speaker 1: would just be sitting there, he'd be grinding feet and

1043
00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:40,360
Speaker 1: then the car it would noises drive me crazy, like

1044
00:55:40,480 --> 00:55:42,440
Speaker 1: here and somebody too. I would have to turn the

1045
00:55:42,560 --> 00:55:44,359
Speaker 1: music up so loud because it would make me want

1046
00:55:44,400 --> 00:55:46,160
Speaker 1: to cry because I would he wouldn't even listen to

1047
00:55:46,239 --> 00:55:48,880
Speaker 1: me when I'm like, please stop, plea stop. You know. So, UM,

1048
00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:51,359
Speaker 1: I found out this z inc if you give more

1049
00:55:52,200 --> 00:55:54,440
Speaker 1: link to a child, it can help with stuff like that.

1050
00:55:54,760 --> 00:55:57,359
Speaker 1: After a week, he stopped grinding his teeth. So there's

1051
00:55:57,360 --> 00:55:59,600
Speaker 1: a lot of stuff of doing like your own research

1052
00:55:59,719 --> 00:56:03,120
Speaker 1: and seeing different things that your child UM might be doing,

1053
00:56:03,880 --> 00:56:08,200
Speaker 1: UM and using finding supplements that you know I can help.

1054
00:56:08,239 --> 00:56:11,440
Speaker 1: I also changed his diet. All of these things that

1055
00:56:11,560 --> 00:56:13,960
Speaker 1: I did when I told the development of pediatrician when

1056
00:56:14,000 --> 00:56:16,480
Speaker 1: he saw Ashton for a follow up UM and told

1057
00:56:16,520 --> 00:56:18,600
Speaker 1: me I should write a book because he has never

1058
00:56:18,719 --> 00:56:21,759
Speaker 1: seen a child make so many huge strides. When I

1059
00:56:21,880 --> 00:56:24,120
Speaker 1: told him, I changed his diet and put him on supplements,

1060
00:56:24,160 --> 00:56:25,719
Speaker 1: he said, but that's not the reason why he's the

1061
00:56:25,760 --> 00:56:27,840
Speaker 1: way with he is. I know because I'm a doctor.

1062
00:56:28,160 --> 00:56:32,719
Speaker 1: And I said, well, I mean you asked me what

1063
00:56:32,880 --> 00:56:35,839
Speaker 1: I did. I'm telling you what I did. And he's

1064
00:56:35,920 --> 00:56:38,120
Speaker 1: like no, He's like, trust me, I'm a doctor. I

1065
00:56:38,239 --> 00:56:41,560
Speaker 1: know I've done research on this. I know that's not true.

1066
00:56:42,000 --> 00:56:44,719
Speaker 1: My mother's husband is a doctor as well. And so

1067
00:56:44,920 --> 00:56:48,160
Speaker 1: everything I give to Ashton, I asked him first, is

1068
00:56:48,239 --> 00:56:50,759
Speaker 1: this okay? And there's a very fine line because I

1069
00:56:50,760 --> 00:56:53,680
Speaker 1: also know he doesn't want to be like okay for

1070
00:56:53,800 --> 00:56:56,120
Speaker 1: something that is like you know, I probably shouldn't, but

1071
00:56:56,600 --> 00:56:58,800
Speaker 1: I'm asking him like, am I going to kill my

1072
00:56:58,880 --> 00:57:00,520
Speaker 1: child if I give my child? You know? Like that's

1073
00:57:00,600 --> 00:57:03,279
Speaker 1: basically that's that's the kind of understanding that we have.

1074
00:57:03,520 --> 00:57:06,480
Speaker 1: Just tell me if this is dangerous for him and

1075
00:57:06,600 --> 00:57:09,800
Speaker 1: if it's not okay um. And he told me no,

1076
00:57:10,080 --> 00:57:15,520
Speaker 1: those things are healthy. Um. So we changed his diet,

1077
00:57:16,000 --> 00:57:19,560
Speaker 1: which they all all the doctor said that does nothing

1078
00:57:19,800 --> 00:57:22,080
Speaker 1: for me. It helps Ashton when he has gluten, he's

1079
00:57:22,120 --> 00:57:25,080
Speaker 1: super super hyper. I can't get him to listen to

1080
00:57:25,160 --> 00:57:28,040
Speaker 1: me or listen to lessons if he's hyper. So it's

1081
00:57:28,080 --> 00:57:30,720
Speaker 1: not because I think it's crying his autism. It's because

1082
00:57:31,240 --> 00:57:33,080
Speaker 1: this man is like like a crackhead. How am I

1083
00:57:33,120 --> 00:57:35,640
Speaker 1: supposed to his babycas if he won't fit the fun down?

1084
00:57:35,800 --> 00:57:39,160
Speaker 1: So no, no bread for you. We're gonna cut it

1085
00:57:39,200 --> 00:57:41,720
Speaker 1: out for now. And then another thing that I did

1086
00:57:41,800 --> 00:57:44,440
Speaker 1: that I tell a lot of parents I would. I

1087
00:57:44,680 --> 00:57:47,320
Speaker 1: changed ashtons iet and did all of these things a

1088
00:57:47,440 --> 00:57:52,720
Speaker 1: year and some change before we saw any different um,

1089
00:57:53,640 --> 00:57:56,280
Speaker 1: before we saw any difference in him. I changed, I

1090
00:57:56,480 --> 00:57:58,880
Speaker 1: changed his all of these things. And there was a

1091
00:57:58,960 --> 00:58:00,840
Speaker 1: lot of me just cry ying, like am I just

1092
00:58:00,960 --> 00:58:03,600
Speaker 1: doing this for nothing? I would do exercise with him

1093
00:58:03,640 --> 00:58:06,400
Speaker 1: over the pandemic, and he wasn't even paying attention to me.

1094
00:58:06,440 --> 00:58:08,760
Speaker 1: I would be chasing him around with flash cards. This

1095
00:58:08,840 --> 00:58:12,640
Speaker 1: is a fish, f I am, this is a grilla,

1096
00:58:13,440 --> 00:58:15,000
Speaker 1: this is the color of green, this is the color purple.

1097
00:58:15,080 --> 00:58:17,080
Speaker 1: And it was like, this man is not even listening

1098
00:58:17,080 --> 00:58:20,240
Speaker 1: to ship I'm saying. The moment he started talking, it

1099
00:58:20,400 --> 00:58:23,320
Speaker 1: was like every single thing that I was chasing him

1100
00:58:23,360 --> 00:58:26,880
Speaker 1: around trying to get him to understand, he was saying

1101
00:58:27,440 --> 00:58:29,480
Speaker 1: all this stuff that I thought he was ignoring me.

1102
00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:32,080
Speaker 1: You know, for a year and a half, all of

1103
00:58:32,160 --> 00:58:35,000
Speaker 1: the things. But in that he also got my attitude

1104
00:58:35,400 --> 00:58:38,160
Speaker 1: and I came out to he got my attitude. He

1105
00:58:38,320 --> 00:58:41,520
Speaker 1: says like ship that I would say, like one of

1106
00:58:41,600 --> 00:58:43,600
Speaker 1: the things that I've really been trying to work. I

1107
00:58:44,280 --> 00:58:46,160
Speaker 1: didn't haven't said it in so long, but I used

1108
00:58:46,160 --> 00:58:48,240
Speaker 1: to say, I don't even care no more. And like

1109
00:58:48,760 --> 00:58:50,240
Speaker 1: during the pandemic, you know, like if I'm trying to

1110
00:58:50,280 --> 00:58:52,000
Speaker 1: get the boys to do something, the older boys, they

1111
00:58:52,040 --> 00:58:53,720
Speaker 1: weren't listening. I'd be like, I don't even care no more,

1112
00:58:54,040 --> 00:58:57,600
Speaker 1: and like walk away. Two months ago, I told Ashton

1113
00:58:57,640 --> 00:58:59,080
Speaker 1: to do something and he was like, I don't even

1114
00:58:59,120 --> 00:59:02,720
Speaker 1: care no more the way and I was like, okay,

1115
00:59:02,800 --> 00:59:05,760
Speaker 1: so you really they really you have up until five

1116
00:59:05,840 --> 00:59:08,960
Speaker 1: where their brains. This is for any child. Their brains

1117
00:59:09,000 --> 00:59:14,760
Speaker 1: are like sponges. They they're they're observed absorbing everything. After that,

1118
00:59:15,000 --> 00:59:19,880
Speaker 1: their brain starts to develop habits. So when I try

1119
00:59:19,920 --> 00:59:23,480
Speaker 1: to tell parents and the doctors and therapists, all of

1120
00:59:23,520 --> 00:59:27,000
Speaker 1: them will agree that early intervention is key. You can't

1121
00:59:27,040 --> 00:59:30,120
Speaker 1: you can't wait for you know, for a doctor to say,

1122
00:59:30,160 --> 00:59:32,440
Speaker 1: oh you have to wait a year and a half. Okay, Well,

1123
00:59:32,480 --> 00:59:34,400
Speaker 1: then you gotta do what you gotta do. As a mom,

1124
00:59:34,480 --> 00:59:36,800
Speaker 1: you gotta go do research, you gotta try to figure out.

1125
00:59:37,240 --> 00:59:39,640
Speaker 1: You have to. There's so many moms on YouTube, there's

1126
00:59:39,680 --> 00:59:42,680
Speaker 1: so many moms on Instagram. And to what you said

1127
00:59:42,680 --> 00:59:45,280
Speaker 1: about you can't be vulnerable with people, and you know,

1128
00:59:45,680 --> 00:59:48,000
Speaker 1: there are certain things I do agree with that, but

1129
00:59:48,520 --> 00:59:52,200
Speaker 1: for me me being vulnerable with my kid and saying

1130
00:59:52,320 --> 00:59:55,520
Speaker 1: I think my kid might have all poom on my page,

1131
00:59:55,720 --> 00:59:58,760
Speaker 1: and me saying me me sharing myself having a very

1132
00:59:59,080 --> 01:00:01,520
Speaker 1: tough time with it, and which is completely not me.

1133
01:00:01,560 --> 01:00:03,880
Speaker 1: I'm a very pridaful person. Like I'm a cry baby,

1134
01:00:03,960 --> 01:00:07,120
Speaker 1: but only certain people gonna know that I'm a cry baby. Um,

1135
01:00:07,520 --> 01:00:10,600
Speaker 1: but I switched it. And because of that, it was

1136
01:00:10,720 --> 01:00:12,960
Speaker 1: people saying, we'll try this. I tried this with my son,

1137
01:00:13,320 --> 01:00:15,880
Speaker 1: or go here, you know they do this, or maybe

1138
01:00:15,960 --> 01:00:18,520
Speaker 1: buy this, or maybe do this. And because of all

1139
01:00:18,600 --> 01:00:20,440
Speaker 1: of these little nuggets I was getting from all of

1140
01:00:20,520 --> 01:00:25,880
Speaker 1: these different different moms, from me being vulnerable, I was

1141
01:00:26,160 --> 01:00:29,560
Speaker 1: able to give my son what I think is a

1142
01:00:29,640 --> 01:00:33,880
Speaker 1: new start, you know, compared to the doctor's once saying

1143
01:00:33,960 --> 01:00:36,280
Speaker 1: he's gonna live with you forever. You just need to

1144
01:00:36,400 --> 01:00:37,960
Speaker 1: keep your mind, you know, you know, you prepare yourself

1145
01:00:38,000 --> 01:00:40,240
Speaker 1: for that he's gonna live free with you forever, which

1146
01:00:41,120 --> 01:00:44,160
Speaker 1: in one sense you feel bad as a mom for

1147
01:00:44,320 --> 01:00:47,400
Speaker 1: many reasons. One is he not going to have his

1148
01:00:47,520 --> 01:00:49,120
Speaker 1: own life? Is he ever gonna go to promise? He

1149
01:00:49,160 --> 01:00:52,000
Speaker 1: ever gonna get married? And I'm gonna have grandchildren? And

1150
01:00:52,080 --> 01:00:54,920
Speaker 1: then you have like the selfish feeling of am I

1151
01:00:55,120 --> 01:00:57,959
Speaker 1: ever going to have time for myself again in my life?

1152
01:00:58,080 --> 01:00:59,920
Speaker 1: You know, like it's like it's like all of the

1153
01:01:00,160 --> 01:01:05,160
Speaker 1: thing um, and I just feel like and at least

1154
01:01:05,480 --> 01:01:08,400
Speaker 1: at least with that, well, I feel like a social

1155
01:01:08,480 --> 01:01:10,920
Speaker 1: media in general, if you're if people were more more

1156
01:01:11,080 --> 01:01:16,080
Speaker 1: vulnerable and open and honest about things, we wouldn't feel

1157
01:01:16,120 --> 01:01:18,800
Speaker 1: this pressure to be so fake on social media to

1158
01:01:18,960 --> 01:01:21,240
Speaker 1: keep up with everybody else, because then we would see

1159
01:01:21,280 --> 01:01:23,800
Speaker 1: that everybody is going through the same thing. Once I

1160
01:01:24,000 --> 01:01:27,560
Speaker 1: was open about Acton's autism, then all sudden, all these

1161
01:01:27,640 --> 01:01:29,480
Speaker 1: other people start reaching out to me. It does get

1162
01:01:29,640 --> 01:01:32,760
Speaker 1: very overwhelming, and and sometimes I can't keep up with

1163
01:01:32,880 --> 01:01:35,520
Speaker 1: it because there's so many messages from mom saying I

1164
01:01:35,640 --> 01:01:38,640
Speaker 1: saw this post and I knew something was wrong, and

1165
01:01:39,160 --> 01:01:40,920
Speaker 1: if you could just talk to me about it, because

1166
01:01:40,960 --> 01:01:43,840
Speaker 1: I have you known a lot wrong and and it's

1167
01:01:43,920 --> 01:01:47,920
Speaker 1: like it can be overwhelming because one it takes me

1168
01:01:48,040 --> 01:01:50,920
Speaker 1: back to that dark time that I know exactly how

1169
01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:54,800
Speaker 1: they feel like, and that I was crying every fucking day,

1170
01:01:55,280 --> 01:01:58,280
Speaker 1: drinking wine every two minutes, and I'm like, how can

1171
01:01:58,360 --> 01:02:01,440
Speaker 1: I help my baby? How I folk up? Um? But

1172
01:02:01,600 --> 01:02:06,000
Speaker 1: at the same time, if people were more open or

1173
01:02:06,120 --> 01:02:09,640
Speaker 1: honest about it and we we could share this stuff

1174
01:02:09,680 --> 01:02:12,480
Speaker 1: more openly, and we could all help each other, not

1175
01:02:12,680 --> 01:02:15,760
Speaker 1: only to help our children develop and be put in

1176
01:02:15,840 --> 01:02:19,680
Speaker 1: the best position possible for the future, but to be

1177
01:02:19,800 --> 01:02:22,640
Speaker 1: there for one another, because you can feel isolated and

1178
01:02:22,720 --> 01:02:25,920
Speaker 1: a loan. You know, when you have friends with children

1179
01:02:26,040 --> 01:02:30,040
Speaker 1: who are you know, um, typical children, and you have

1180
01:02:30,200 --> 01:02:32,040
Speaker 1: the and they don't understand what you're going through, So

1181
01:02:32,160 --> 01:02:33,760
Speaker 1: now you want people you could talk to. You know,

1182
01:02:34,200 --> 01:02:36,160
Speaker 1: the best thing for me is to have parents that

1183
01:02:36,880 --> 01:02:39,479
Speaker 1: now I can reach out to and be like, girl,

1184
01:02:39,560 --> 01:02:42,200
Speaker 1: he just did blah blah blah, and and they understand,

1185
01:02:42,680 --> 01:02:44,440
Speaker 1: you know, they understand what I'm going through. They're not

1186
01:02:44,520 --> 01:02:46,760
Speaker 1: looking at me like who the fuck he just did? What?

1187
01:02:48,760 --> 01:02:53,280
Speaker 1: You know? So I think that vulnerability. You know, I

1188
01:02:53,400 --> 01:02:55,920
Speaker 1: agree with you about being vulnerable because us being vulnerable

1189
01:02:56,320 --> 01:02:58,440
Speaker 1: and opening up about our relationship. We do get a

1190
01:02:58,480 --> 01:03:00,600
Speaker 1: lot of good feedback from people, but there are also

1191
01:03:00,680 --> 01:03:04,200
Speaker 1: people who attack you for your vulnerability, you know, and

1192
01:03:04,280 --> 01:03:07,400
Speaker 1: there's people who judge you for being vulnerable. And that's

1193
01:03:07,400 --> 01:03:10,000
Speaker 1: where I say you have to be selective about who

1194
01:03:10,040 --> 01:03:12,040
Speaker 1: you want to be vulnerable with because everyone is not

1195
01:03:12,160 --> 01:03:14,000
Speaker 1: going to be your advocate. Everyone is not going to

1196
01:03:14,160 --> 01:03:16,400
Speaker 1: root for you to be happy, in part because they're

1197
01:03:16,440 --> 01:03:18,880
Speaker 1: dealing with their own issues, so you can't. And what

1198
01:03:19,080 --> 01:03:21,520
Speaker 1: we've learned, and I've learned this from even from playing football,

1199
01:03:21,680 --> 01:03:27,640
Speaker 1: is not to take everyone's words for you as something

1200
01:03:27,760 --> 01:03:30,120
Speaker 1: is wrong with you. So a lot of time people

1201
01:03:30,200 --> 01:03:32,560
Speaker 1: just project their own issues on you. When they see

1202
01:03:32,560 --> 01:03:35,520
Speaker 1: an opening, they use that vulnerable woman to project whatever

1203
01:03:35,560 --> 01:03:37,800
Speaker 1: they're going on. So that's how we've able to get

1204
01:03:37,880 --> 01:03:42,120
Speaker 1: through allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and understanding that everyone

1205
01:03:42,240 --> 01:03:44,840
Speaker 1: is not going to understand. Like there's times an vulnerable

1206
01:03:44,840 --> 01:03:46,520
Speaker 1: about how I feel as a man and I get

1207
01:03:46,560 --> 01:03:49,440
Speaker 1: attacked by women. There's time she's vulnerable about being open

1208
01:03:49,480 --> 01:03:52,200
Speaker 1: as a woman she's attacked by men. There's there's times

1209
01:03:52,240 --> 01:03:55,440
Speaker 1: were vulnerable about being parents and being vulnerable about she

1210
01:03:55,560 --> 01:03:58,840
Speaker 1: was being vulnerable about postpartument, not feeling like she wanted

1211
01:03:58,880 --> 01:04:00,960
Speaker 1: to be a mom, and women tacked her saying, how

1212
01:04:01,120 --> 01:04:04,160
Speaker 1: dare you not want to be a mom? And It's like, hey, guys,

1213
01:04:04,280 --> 01:04:06,200
Speaker 1: I'm just telling you how I felt in the moment.

1214
01:04:07,040 --> 01:04:08,960
Speaker 1: I didn't say that was the be all at end though.

1215
01:04:09,040 --> 01:04:11,360
Speaker 1: It was just that moment. But there was one thing

1216
01:04:11,440 --> 01:04:14,320
Speaker 1: you also said when when I used to run Prototype,

1217
01:04:14,320 --> 01:04:16,520
Speaker 1: we used to get a lot of kids with developmental

1218
01:04:16,640 --> 01:04:21,320
Speaker 1: issues and behavioral issues, and their parents took them the doctors,

1219
01:04:21,360 --> 01:04:23,240
Speaker 1: and the first thing the doctor said was this kid

1220
01:04:23,320 --> 01:04:26,520
Speaker 1: needs at a roll or some sort of medication. And

1221
01:04:26,800 --> 01:04:29,320
Speaker 1: I used to tell the parents, I'm not a doctor

1222
01:04:29,440 --> 01:04:32,640
Speaker 1: like you, but I say, before you give that child

1223
01:04:33,600 --> 01:04:36,440
Speaker 1: medication in the morning, how about you just cut the

1224
01:04:36,480 --> 01:04:39,000
Speaker 1: sugar in the morning and put the child on a

1225
01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:42,440
Speaker 1: on a physical activity regiment before they go to school.

1226
01:04:43,160 --> 01:04:46,280
Speaker 1: I kid you not every child that we told that

1227
01:04:46,440 --> 01:04:49,760
Speaker 1: too did not have behavioral issues when they got to school.

1228
01:04:49,840 --> 01:04:53,080
Speaker 1: For after that felt about three months. It was like

1229
01:04:53,480 --> 01:04:55,920
Speaker 1: getting rid of the sugar, getting rid of the gluten.

1230
01:04:56,280 --> 01:04:58,800
Speaker 1: Now the child was able to focus, putting them in

1231
01:04:58,840 --> 01:05:01,240
Speaker 1: a physical activity out all that energy. And it didn't

1232
01:05:01,240 --> 01:05:03,080
Speaker 1: matter if it was a boy or a girl. Because

1233
01:05:03,120 --> 01:05:04,800
Speaker 1: we had moms to come with us with girls who

1234
01:05:04,880 --> 01:05:07,480
Speaker 1: ran track or was volleyball who was getting into trouble.

1235
01:05:08,000 --> 01:05:10,880
Speaker 1: Once they changed their diet and gave them more physical activity,

1236
01:05:11,000 --> 01:05:14,120
Speaker 1: all of these children responded to it. So what I've

1237
01:05:14,200 --> 01:05:18,280
Speaker 1: noticed is a trend of doctors trying to tell parents

1238
01:05:18,880 --> 01:05:22,160
Speaker 1: that medication is the key and pretty much telling a

1239
01:05:22,200 --> 01:05:25,560
Speaker 1: lot of black parents and brown parents that hey, your

1240
01:05:25,640 --> 01:05:27,720
Speaker 1: child is just gonna have a problem and there's nothing

1241
01:05:27,800 --> 01:05:30,360
Speaker 1: you can do about it. We received a lot of

1242
01:05:30,480 --> 01:05:33,400
Speaker 1: parents like that, So can you just talk a little

1243
01:05:33,400 --> 01:05:37,120
Speaker 1: bit about advocating for yourself and your child even though

1244
01:05:37,200 --> 01:05:42,520
Speaker 1: all the professionals are saying, hey, you stuck bro life,

1245
01:05:42,600 --> 01:05:50,640
Speaker 1: It's just there's well why I'm not against uh medication.

1246
01:05:50,760 --> 01:05:54,640
Speaker 1: I just I have a d D. I'm not against

1247
01:05:54,640 --> 01:05:59,760
Speaker 1: it either whole life. But I did not go and

1248
01:06:00,000 --> 01:06:03,040
Speaker 1: get medication for it. And so two years ago. Um

1249
01:06:03,280 --> 01:06:07,360
Speaker 1: and this is after me trying tons of like natural things.

1250
01:06:07,680 --> 01:06:08,920
Speaker 1: So and it's not even something that I have to

1251
01:06:08,920 --> 01:06:10,720
Speaker 1: take all the time. I think it's it's all in

1252
01:06:10,800 --> 01:06:15,800
Speaker 1: your mind that you know, um on on medication. However,

1253
01:06:15,960 --> 01:06:17,800
Speaker 1: I do want a hundred percent agree with you that

1254
01:06:17,920 --> 01:06:20,240
Speaker 1: doctors do just try to put medicine. It's like, here

1255
01:06:20,280 --> 01:06:23,680
Speaker 1: you go for her Ashton in his case when he

1256
01:06:23,760 --> 01:06:25,600
Speaker 1: got diagnosed that we had to go back in and

1257
01:06:25,640 --> 01:06:28,360
Speaker 1: see the pediatric and she literally handed me a brochure

1258
01:06:29,040 --> 01:06:32,960
Speaker 1: and basically was like wow. And I was I'm like,

1259
01:06:33,080 --> 01:06:36,280
Speaker 1: you have just rocked my entire My whole world has

1260
01:06:36,360 --> 01:06:39,200
Speaker 1: just been changed. He gave me this, this whole ass

1261
01:06:39,280 --> 01:06:47,160
Speaker 1: brochure like what it was old too. I was really like,

1262
01:06:47,400 --> 01:06:50,880
Speaker 1: are you kidding? Yes, it was like the oldest ass

1263
01:06:50,960 --> 01:06:53,480
Speaker 1: brochure and I'm sure they have bell bottoms on in

1264
01:06:53,560 --> 01:06:55,680
Speaker 1: the beginning of the front of the brochure. I was like,

1265
01:06:55,760 --> 01:07:00,439
Speaker 1: what the fuck? Um? But I think that I I've said,

1266
01:07:00,440 --> 01:07:05,800
Speaker 1: I've shared this before that that I went through the

1267
01:07:05,880 --> 01:07:08,520
Speaker 1: first less crying. I was just in full volunteers. I

1268
01:07:08,520 --> 01:07:10,360
Speaker 1: wouldn't cry in front of Ashton, but any moment I

1269
01:07:10,400 --> 01:07:13,520
Speaker 1: was by myself, I was crying. And then I realized,

1270
01:07:14,720 --> 01:07:17,600
Speaker 1: at some point at the end of the day, it

1271
01:07:17,800 --> 01:07:22,800
Speaker 1: is my job as his mom two make sure that

1272
01:07:23,840 --> 01:07:26,760
Speaker 1: he has the most successful future he could possibly have.

1273
01:07:27,640 --> 01:07:29,320
Speaker 1: There's no way for me to do that if I'm

1274
01:07:29,360 --> 01:07:32,919
Speaker 1: sitting here crying. So I would rather give my all

1275
01:07:33,080 --> 01:07:37,600
Speaker 1: and do every fucking thing I can to to ensure

1276
01:07:37,720 --> 01:07:40,440
Speaker 1: that he has for him and you know who he is.

1277
01:07:40,840 --> 01:07:43,440
Speaker 1: He has the most successful future. And I had to

1278
01:07:44,560 --> 01:07:48,280
Speaker 1: put on my big girl panties stop crying, and and

1279
01:07:48,400 --> 01:07:50,480
Speaker 1: that's what I did. I didn't listen to what the

1280
01:07:50,560 --> 01:07:53,120
Speaker 1: doctor said, because the doctors were telling me anything. But

1281
01:07:53,960 --> 01:07:56,080
Speaker 1: he's gonna live with you forever, you know. These are

1282
01:07:56,160 --> 01:07:58,520
Speaker 1: the special schools he can go to. These are so

1283
01:07:58,720 --> 01:08:03,880
Speaker 1: I didn't for UM sports. He started wrestling UM last summer.

1284
01:08:03,960 --> 01:08:05,760
Speaker 1: It could only work for the summer because then the

1285
01:08:05,840 --> 01:08:09,160
Speaker 1: pandemic started, you know, going crazy again. But he started

1286
01:08:09,240 --> 01:08:12,880
Speaker 1: last summer. We didn't put him in and UM in

1287
01:08:13,120 --> 01:08:16,920
Speaker 1: any like UH special wrestling, which was something that his

1288
01:08:17,040 --> 01:08:20,080
Speaker 1: father and I talked about, you know, whether or not

1289
01:08:20,240 --> 01:08:24,360
Speaker 1: we should put him in sports that you know, they

1290
01:08:24,400 --> 01:08:28,960
Speaker 1: have leagues for children with disabilities. And we made the

1291
01:08:29,000 --> 01:08:31,400
Speaker 1: decision that no, we didn't want to. And and that's

1292
01:08:31,439 --> 01:08:33,840
Speaker 1: a parents decision. So I would never judge a parent

1293
01:08:33,920 --> 01:08:36,760
Speaker 1: for doing that. But for us, he felt like we

1294
01:08:37,040 --> 01:08:39,080
Speaker 1: wanted him. We're not going to be there to hold

1295
01:08:39,120 --> 01:08:41,240
Speaker 1: his hand for the rest of his life, you know,

1296
01:08:41,360 --> 01:08:44,000
Speaker 1: for us, and so we we want him to be

1297
01:08:44,360 --> 01:08:48,280
Speaker 1: around other people. So that he understands and that they

1298
01:08:48,520 --> 01:08:50,840
Speaker 1: understand that people are different, you know, and people might

1299
01:08:50,920 --> 01:08:52,720
Speaker 1: treat you differently. It's okay. We're gonna be there to

1300
01:08:52,760 --> 01:08:55,640
Speaker 1: help you and make sure you're okay. But we you know.

1301
01:08:55,840 --> 01:08:58,559
Speaker 1: So his school, he does not go to a school

1302
01:08:58,600 --> 01:09:00,720
Speaker 1: for children with just this bil at least he goes

1303
01:09:00,800 --> 01:09:04,320
Speaker 1: to a regular preschool. Um. This is the same school

1304
01:09:04,400 --> 01:09:07,000
Speaker 1: that CJ went to. So they're they're like families. We

1305
01:09:07,120 --> 01:09:10,080
Speaker 1: love them, and they they were we They give him

1306
01:09:10,200 --> 01:09:12,840
Speaker 1: his premixed, his supplements and to his juice. They give

1307
01:09:12,880 --> 01:09:14,800
Speaker 1: it to him during lunchtime when he needs it and

1308
01:09:14,880 --> 01:09:17,479
Speaker 1: right before I pick him up, and you know, they

1309
01:09:17,600 --> 01:09:20,040
Speaker 1: keep me posted on things, and they pray over him

1310
01:09:20,160 --> 01:09:22,440
Speaker 1: and all. This is great. You know, they're they're amazing,

1311
01:09:22,560 --> 01:09:25,719
Speaker 1: and you know, I think it's I think it's it's

1312
01:09:25,800 --> 01:09:29,320
Speaker 1: all about not only advocating for your children to the

1313
01:09:29,479 --> 01:09:32,479
Speaker 1: doctors or just in general, but to your families too,

1314
01:09:32,479 --> 01:09:34,880
Speaker 1: because a lot of times they will and and they

1315
01:09:35,000 --> 01:09:37,519
Speaker 1: don't mean it on purpose, but a lot of things up.

1316
01:09:37,760 --> 01:09:41,160
Speaker 1: That's nothing wrong with that boy. He you know, like

1317
01:09:41,240 --> 01:09:43,600
Speaker 1: I said, June Bud started talking, that's sick, you know.

1318
01:09:43,840 --> 01:09:47,920
Speaker 1: But man, man, man was crawling until he was seventeen

1319
01:09:48,040 --> 01:09:52,960
Speaker 1: and then all things. So so I think it's a

1320
01:09:53,280 --> 01:09:56,720
Speaker 1: it's a thing, um standing ten toes down for your

1321
01:09:56,800 --> 01:09:59,360
Speaker 1: kids and saying this is this is my child, this

1322
01:09:59,560 --> 01:10:02,000
Speaker 1: is what I expect. I had to have a conversation

1323
01:10:02,080 --> 01:10:04,320
Speaker 1: with c J once he got diagnosed with my older

1324
01:10:04,400 --> 01:10:07,679
Speaker 1: son and say, you know, I know you're you're you're

1325
01:10:07,680 --> 01:10:10,000
Speaker 1: a teenager. Now you know like you need a last

1326
01:10:10,040 --> 01:10:13,280
Speaker 1: with me, But I gotta give a whole lot to

1327
01:10:13,360 --> 01:10:16,200
Speaker 1: your brother right now. I gotta, I really gotta clamp

1328
01:10:16,280 --> 01:10:18,479
Speaker 1: down on your brother. I'm gonna need your help. I'm

1329
01:10:18,520 --> 01:10:23,200
Speaker 1: gonna need you to try to understand that that I'm

1330
01:10:23,320 --> 01:10:25,640
Speaker 1: not trying to ignore you or I'm not so I

1331
01:10:25,720 --> 01:10:27,840
Speaker 1: try to do. That's a whole podcast on its own

1332
01:10:29,479 --> 01:10:31,479
Speaker 1: in our build and talk about you're having a child

1333
01:10:31,520 --> 01:10:34,920
Speaker 1: with a disability and the other children feeling else neglected.

1334
01:10:35,000 --> 01:10:38,320
Speaker 1: That's a huge that's a huge part. And the moment

1335
01:10:38,400 --> 01:10:41,160
Speaker 1: I get him down to bed at eight o'clock, I

1336
01:10:41,280 --> 01:10:43,600
Speaker 1: go in my room, I'm like that CJ knocking on

1337
01:10:43,640 --> 01:10:48,120
Speaker 1: the door, like, hey mom, what's I'm like, I don't

1338
01:10:48,160 --> 01:10:49,920
Speaker 1: have nothing left in me, you know, like I'm I'm

1339
01:10:50,080 --> 01:10:52,400
Speaker 1: dream I don't. And some days I have to say,

1340
01:10:52,960 --> 01:10:55,599
Speaker 1: I love you so much, and I'm so short about

1341
01:10:55,800 --> 01:10:57,680
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm in the past, you know, like

1342
01:10:57,840 --> 01:11:00,560
Speaker 1: or I'm a I'm a ship. So then it's just

1343
01:11:00,760 --> 01:11:04,799
Speaker 1: you know. But but with with him, with my it helps.

1344
01:11:05,400 --> 01:11:08,000
Speaker 1: It helps to be to keep your old if you

1345
01:11:08,040 --> 01:11:11,479
Speaker 1: have older kids or or younger kids, um to be

1346
01:11:11,640 --> 01:11:15,120
Speaker 1: open and honest with them too, because one when because

1347
01:11:15,360 --> 01:11:19,599
Speaker 1: Ashlea has another brother to Elijah, um and we when

1348
01:11:19,680 --> 01:11:21,800
Speaker 1: we when we go anywhere with Ashley, his two big

1349
01:11:21,840 --> 01:11:24,880
Speaker 1: brothers are like, don't funk with my little brother. I'll

1350
01:11:24,880 --> 01:11:28,400
Speaker 1: beat the ship at y'all. Like they're like bodyguard until

1351
01:11:28,439 --> 01:11:30,840
Speaker 1: we run around. I can't touch it to nobody or whatever.

1352
01:11:30,840 --> 01:11:32,960
Speaker 1: If anybody look at them side when they looking like

1353
01:11:33,040 --> 01:11:35,640
Speaker 1: it's a problem, it's something, you know. But at the

1354
01:11:35,720 --> 01:11:39,400
Speaker 1: same time, one time I took them to the playground

1355
01:11:39,560 --> 01:11:41,840
Speaker 1: and there was a little boy who you could tell

1356
01:11:41,920 --> 01:11:43,840
Speaker 1: was on the spectrum and he was older, he's like twelve,

1357
01:11:44,200 --> 01:11:46,120
Speaker 1: and he kept following my older boys in around. He

1358
01:11:46,160 --> 01:11:48,680
Speaker 1: wanted to play with me. He had no no kind

1359
01:11:48,720 --> 01:11:51,880
Speaker 1: of idea of like personal space or you know whatever.

1360
01:11:52,479 --> 01:11:55,400
Speaker 1: And they knew that I was worried. I was very

1361
01:11:55,479 --> 01:11:57,720
Speaker 1: concerned at first, but they was gonna be like, like,

1362
01:11:57,800 --> 01:12:00,439
Speaker 1: why are you But they didn't they leaven know he

1363
01:12:00,640 --> 01:12:07,080
Speaker 1: was getting all you could tell. I mean, the teaching empathy.

1364
01:12:07,240 --> 01:12:12,519
Speaker 1: Like was proud of them because they really were like

1365
01:12:12,920 --> 01:12:15,080
Speaker 1: he was following them. They might they were trying to

1366
01:12:15,120 --> 01:12:20,920
Speaker 1: go down. He was right up behind them, but you know,

1367
01:12:21,080 --> 01:12:22,960
Speaker 1: they were fine with it. And I think that that's

1368
01:12:23,000 --> 01:12:25,400
Speaker 1: why it's so important to be open about it and

1369
01:12:25,520 --> 01:12:30,080
Speaker 1: to teach your kids, because I'm telling kindness is is

1370
01:12:30,680 --> 01:12:36,240
Speaker 1: the most wonderful gift you can get. Saying anybody sorry,

1371
01:12:36,439 --> 01:12:39,800
Speaker 1: I was just saying, that's that's this. There were so

1372
01:12:39,920 --> 01:12:42,120
Speaker 1: many takeaways. I feel like in this episode we spoke

1373
01:12:42,160 --> 01:12:45,000
Speaker 1: about so many different things. I mean from co parenting

1374
01:12:45,240 --> 01:12:49,320
Speaker 1: to your divorce and then now um, dealing with children

1375
01:12:49,360 --> 01:12:51,519
Speaker 1: who have autists. I don't hate to say dealing. I

1376
01:12:51,600 --> 01:12:53,720
Speaker 1: want to say raising a child who has autists, because

1377
01:12:53,720 --> 01:12:56,760
Speaker 1: I think it's dealing with it. Um. And I feel

1378
01:12:56,800 --> 01:12:58,800
Speaker 1: like you should come back, like maybe next season and

1379
01:12:58,840 --> 01:13:02,400
Speaker 1: we can talk about something else. Progress. Yeah, you know,

1380
01:13:02,640 --> 01:13:05,720
Speaker 1: I think there's always progress of action. Yeah. Yeah. And

1381
01:13:05,760 --> 01:13:08,200
Speaker 1: I think any parent who is listening to this or

1382
01:13:08,240 --> 01:13:10,000
Speaker 1: if you're not a parent, and you know someone who

1383
01:13:10,080 --> 01:13:12,760
Speaker 1: has a child but may have autism or you know,

1384
01:13:13,240 --> 01:13:16,320
Speaker 1: developmentally delayed or something's going on. UM, it's always helpful

1385
01:13:16,360 --> 01:13:18,920
Speaker 1: to have resources like this girl. We could talk all

1386
01:13:19,040 --> 01:13:25,120
Speaker 1: day just because No, that's fine, that's fine. That's what

1387
01:13:25,160 --> 01:13:27,720
Speaker 1: we're supposed to do. We supposed about UM. So we're

1388
01:13:27,720 --> 01:13:30,320
Speaker 1: gonna let you go, But thank you so much for um,

1389
01:13:31,520 --> 01:13:33,840
Speaker 1: you know, joining us today. Tell everybody where they can

1390
01:13:33,920 --> 01:13:38,080
Speaker 1: find you, because there's a wealth of knowledge and funny moments.

1391
01:13:38,240 --> 01:13:47,720
Speaker 1: Y'all have to check out on funny Mama on Instagram, uh, Facebook, Facebook,

1392
01:13:47,840 --> 01:13:51,280
Speaker 1: and TikTok. It's the Funny Mama m O m m A.

1393
01:13:51,880 --> 01:13:54,200
Speaker 1: And then my website is the funny Mama dot com.

1394
01:13:54,320 --> 01:13:56,960
Speaker 1: And on their outline all of the different things I've

1395
01:13:57,000 --> 01:13:59,719
Speaker 1: done for action and all of the supplements and stuff

1396
01:13:59,760 --> 01:14:03,080
Speaker 1: like that. There sounds good. Well, if I'm ever in

1397
01:14:03,200 --> 01:14:05,679
Speaker 1: the d m V area, we'll get some wine together.

1398
01:14:08,080 --> 01:14:10,400
Speaker 1: We appreciate you so much. We appreciate you so much.

1399
01:14:10,439 --> 01:14:13,200
Speaker 1: Thank you for your your story, your gift of storytelling,

1400
01:14:13,840 --> 01:14:19,280
Speaker 1: and your vulnerability. Absolutely, we appreciate you. This love to

1401
01:14:19,360 --> 01:14:22,559
Speaker 1: the boys, no doubt. Sure, all right, We're gonna take

1402
01:14:22,560 --> 01:14:24,080
Speaker 1: a quick break and then we're going to move into

1403
01:14:24,120 --> 01:14:39,000
Speaker 1: listening letters after we get into some ads. Alright, so

1404
01:14:39,080 --> 01:14:40,560
Speaker 1: we're back. We just want to give you guys some

1405
01:14:40,640 --> 01:14:45,240
Speaker 1: stats about autism that um our producer with the mostest triple.

1406
01:14:47,680 --> 01:14:50,280
Speaker 1: In two thousand and twenty one, the CDC reported that

1407
01:14:50,479 --> 01:14:53,240
Speaker 1: approximately one and forty four children in the US is

1408
01:14:53,280 --> 01:14:56,600
Speaker 1: diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder that's a s D.

1409
01:14:56,880 --> 01:15:01,040
Speaker 1: According to two eighteen data, one in twenty seven boys

1410
01:15:01,160 --> 01:15:04,719
Speaker 1: identified with autism, one in one hundred and sixteen girls

1411
01:15:04,840 --> 01:15:09,080
Speaker 1: identified with autism, and boys are four times more likely

1412
01:15:09,200 --> 01:15:13,439
Speaker 1: to be diagnosed with autism than girls. That's interesting. I

1413
01:15:13,479 --> 01:15:16,040
Speaker 1: didn't know UM and the causes of autism. I've always

1414
01:15:16,080 --> 01:15:18,240
Speaker 1: wondered because you hear all these different you know, UM

1415
01:15:19,200 --> 01:15:21,600
Speaker 1: you know ideas about it is that from vaccines is

1416
01:15:21,640 --> 01:15:25,559
Speaker 1: a genetic um but research indicates that genetics are involved

1417
01:15:25,720 --> 01:15:29,400
Speaker 1: in the vast majority of cases. Children born with older

1418
01:15:29,520 --> 01:15:33,200
Speaker 1: parents are at higher risk of having autism. UM parents

1419
01:15:33,280 --> 01:15:35,920
Speaker 1: who have a child with a s D have two

1420
01:15:36,120 --> 01:15:39,160
Speaker 1: to eight percent chance of having a second child who's

1421
01:15:39,160 --> 01:15:42,200
Speaker 1: affective with it, and studies have also shown that among

1422
01:15:42,640 --> 01:15:47,120
Speaker 1: identical twins, if one twin is autism as sorry has autism,

1423
01:15:47,280 --> 01:15:51,400
Speaker 1: the other will be affected about thirty six percent at

1424
01:15:51,439 --> 01:15:54,920
Speaker 1: the time. That's pretty large. UM, and non identical twins,

1425
01:15:54,960 --> 01:15:57,719
Speaker 1: if one is has autism, then the other is affected

1426
01:15:57,720 --> 01:16:00,400
Speaker 1: about thirty one percent at the times. So it seems

1427
01:16:00,400 --> 01:16:02,840
Speaker 1: like very specific data that we have here. And over

1428
01:16:02,920 --> 01:16:07,479
Speaker 1: the last two decades, extensive research has also asked whether

1429
01:16:07,560 --> 01:16:11,720
Speaker 1: there's a link between childhood vaccinations and autism. UM. The

1430
01:16:11,800 --> 01:16:17,559
Speaker 1: results of this research are clear that vaccines don't cause autism. However,

1431
01:16:18,080 --> 01:16:21,559
Speaker 1: some people will contest that and say that the length

1432
01:16:21,600 --> 01:16:25,720
Speaker 1: of time between certain vaccines being given to children, they

1433
01:16:25,800 --> 01:16:28,719
Speaker 1: feel like there's been a change where they've seen changes

1434
01:16:28,760 --> 01:16:31,280
Speaker 1: in their children where they may want to think that's

1435
01:16:31,280 --> 01:16:35,080
Speaker 1: the reason why autism may result in their child. So

1436
01:16:36,040 --> 01:16:38,439
Speaker 1: just in data, do your research. Has always just wanted

1437
01:16:38,439 --> 01:16:42,200
Speaker 1: to throw it out there to y'all, but now you

1438
01:16:42,240 --> 01:16:45,479
Speaker 1: want to get into your favorite part of the show. Listen.

1439
01:16:45,560 --> 01:16:47,640
Speaker 1: We had a very long interview today, so we're only

1440
01:16:47,680 --> 01:16:50,960
Speaker 1: gonna do one listener letter. Alright, let's listening letter along too.

1441
01:16:51,040 --> 01:16:57,360
Speaker 1: I'll read it since you went off the stats. First off,

1442
01:16:57,400 --> 01:16:59,160
Speaker 1: I love you both and we love you too. Thank

1443
01:16:59,200 --> 01:17:01,519
Speaker 1: you so much. For the positive energy. I have never

1444
01:17:01,640 --> 01:17:03,599
Speaker 1: had anyone to look up to, and I've been following

1445
01:17:03,640 --> 01:17:06,760
Speaker 1: both your journeys and I inspired to even be a

1446
01:17:06,880 --> 01:17:08,840
Speaker 1: tenth of you. Guys, are you so sweet? Like you

1447
01:17:09,479 --> 01:17:11,400
Speaker 1: and you will be better than us If you aspire to,

1448
01:17:11,520 --> 01:17:14,799
Speaker 1: you will be I believe that and what you embody Okay,

1449
01:17:14,880 --> 01:17:17,960
Speaker 1: I need help, we all do UH. To give a backstory,

1450
01:17:18,000 --> 01:17:20,240
Speaker 1: I am twenty seven years old. I have been married

1451
01:17:20,280 --> 01:17:21,880
Speaker 1: for a year and my husband and I have been

1452
01:17:21,920 --> 01:17:24,920
Speaker 1: together for five years. I've always been the main breadwinner.

1453
01:17:25,080 --> 01:17:27,960
Speaker 1: I paid for my engagement, wing ring, wedding ring, and

1454
01:17:28,080 --> 01:17:30,160
Speaker 1: wedding out of my own pockets to take the stress

1455
01:17:30,160 --> 01:17:32,600
Speaker 1: away from my husband because he could not afford it.

1456
01:17:32,880 --> 01:17:35,519
Speaker 1: I am a makeup artist and I will finish UH

1457
01:17:36,640 --> 01:17:41,000
Speaker 1: a Esteticcian school in July. I aspired to be a

1458
01:17:41,040 --> 01:17:44,320
Speaker 1: celebrity m U a makeup artist and Estetician. Here is

1459
01:17:44,360 --> 01:17:47,080
Speaker 1: my problem. I feel like I have built resentment towards

1460
01:17:47,120 --> 01:17:49,640
Speaker 1: my husband because his work ethic isn't like mine. I

1461
01:17:49,720 --> 01:17:51,640
Speaker 1: feel as if he doesn't put forth the effort to

1462
01:17:51,720 --> 01:17:53,760
Speaker 1: do better and want better. My mindset is like the

1463
01:17:53,840 --> 01:17:56,960
Speaker 1: val I have to be the breadwinner, A lack a

1464
01:17:57,040 --> 01:17:59,560
Speaker 1: little backstory. My mom died when I was two. My

1465
01:17:59,680 --> 01:18:01,880
Speaker 1: father and I have no relationship, and my grandmother didn't

1466
01:18:01,920 --> 01:18:03,920
Speaker 1: teach me anything about how to be a young lady,

1467
01:18:04,240 --> 01:18:08,719
Speaker 1: let alone a wife. Interesting. He hates talking about anything

1468
01:18:08,800 --> 01:18:11,880
Speaker 1: difficult with finances. Or we live with my grandmother and

1469
01:18:11,960 --> 01:18:14,880
Speaker 1: sleep on the floor because I made sure our three

1470
01:18:15,000 --> 01:18:19,639
Speaker 1: kids and they have three kids had rooms of their own. Wow? Wow?

1471
01:18:20,160 --> 01:18:22,280
Speaker 1: How do I deal with this situation and not end

1472
01:18:22,360 --> 01:18:25,040
Speaker 1: up hating my husband? Also? Is there any advice you

1473
01:18:25,120 --> 01:18:27,439
Speaker 1: can give me to help get to my dreams. I

1474
01:18:27,520 --> 01:18:29,320
Speaker 1: work hard and constantly telling myself I will not be

1475
01:18:29,400 --> 01:18:31,599
Speaker 1: in the same place next year. I try to manifest

1476
01:18:31,680 --> 01:18:34,400
Speaker 1: my dreams and pray, but I am so lost. Please help, yo.

1477
01:18:35,200 --> 01:18:38,880
Speaker 1: We were just having this conversation the other day with

1478
01:18:39,040 --> 01:18:42,800
Speaker 1: the door. You're just having this conversation, all right, First

1479
01:18:42,840 --> 01:18:47,760
Speaker 1: and foremost when it comes to work ethics, right, you

1480
01:18:47,840 --> 01:18:50,439
Speaker 1: may have may have a mindset like developed. But one

1481
01:18:50,439 --> 01:18:52,520
Speaker 1: thing I had to learn being married is that everyone's

1482
01:18:52,560 --> 01:18:55,400
Speaker 1: process is not the same. Just because you do things

1483
01:18:55,520 --> 01:18:57,800
Speaker 1: one way don't mean that it's the right way. That's

1484
01:18:57,920 --> 01:19:00,439
Speaker 1: just your way. That don't mean it he his way

1485
01:19:00,720 --> 01:19:05,440
Speaker 1: is wrong. But you do have to hold him accountable

1486
01:19:05,479 --> 01:19:07,280
Speaker 1: for holding up his end of the bargain if you

1487
01:19:07,400 --> 01:19:10,600
Speaker 1: guys have had a conversation about where he is and

1488
01:19:10,680 --> 01:19:15,080
Speaker 1: it's supposed to be in his career for example. This

1489
01:19:15,240 --> 01:19:18,639
Speaker 1: may sound sexist, okay, but I don't give a fuck.

1490
01:19:19,160 --> 01:19:21,880
Speaker 1: If you ask a woman to marry you, it is

1491
01:19:22,040 --> 01:19:25,479
Speaker 1: my belief that is your responsibility to be able to

1492
01:19:25,600 --> 01:19:28,880
Speaker 1: take care of that woman, especially if you're gonna ask

1493
01:19:29,000 --> 01:19:32,200
Speaker 1: that woman to have children for you, because like we've

1494
01:19:32,280 --> 01:19:35,800
Speaker 1: learned over the past four births, anything can go wrong

1495
01:19:35,920 --> 01:19:37,760
Speaker 1: and there may be a point where your wife can

1496
01:19:38,320 --> 01:19:41,680
Speaker 1: or cannot work. And if you're asking this woman to

1497
01:19:41,800 --> 01:19:44,360
Speaker 1: marry you and then asking this woman to have children

1498
01:19:44,439 --> 01:19:47,840
Speaker 1: for you, it has to be your responsibility to be

1499
01:19:47,960 --> 01:19:51,479
Speaker 1: able to maintain the household finances if she cannot work.

1500
01:19:51,920 --> 01:19:53,719
Speaker 1: So that doesn't mean that I don't believe a woman

1501
01:19:53,760 --> 01:19:56,200
Speaker 1: can't be the breadwinner, because a woman can be the breadwinner.

1502
01:19:56,400 --> 01:19:58,320
Speaker 1: But I do think this is a man's responsibility to

1503
01:19:58,360 --> 01:20:00,240
Speaker 1: be able to take care of the finances in the home.

1504
01:20:00,880 --> 01:20:03,600
Speaker 1: Whatever your wife makes, even if she's a breadwinner, is

1505
01:20:03,640 --> 01:20:06,960
Speaker 1: extra her finance and go towards investments. You know, maybe

1506
01:20:07,000 --> 01:20:09,000
Speaker 1: they wouldn't have to live at your mom's house. If

1507
01:20:09,040 --> 01:20:11,080
Speaker 1: he was working and being able to take care of bills,

1508
01:20:11,120 --> 01:20:13,240
Speaker 1: and then you were still making more money, you can

1509
01:20:13,280 --> 01:20:15,680
Speaker 1: invest in other property, you can invest in other businesses,

1510
01:20:16,120 --> 01:20:19,080
Speaker 1: or even so even if you weren't working as much,

1511
01:20:19,200 --> 01:20:21,639
Speaker 1: you could be a stay at home dad but still

1512
01:20:21,760 --> 01:20:25,519
Speaker 1: be able to work enough to maintain the finances. Like

1513
01:20:25,560 --> 01:20:27,600
Speaker 1: because that's what we went through at one point in

1514
01:20:27,640 --> 01:20:30,679
Speaker 1: our career in our marriage. Early on when I first

1515
01:20:30,720 --> 01:20:33,640
Speaker 1: retired from the NFL, I wasn't working full tom. I

1516
01:20:33,800 --> 01:20:36,040
Speaker 1: was a partial stay at home dad with Jackson. Codeine

1517
01:20:36,160 --> 01:20:38,759
Speaker 1: was a makeup artist, going to work every day for hours.

1518
01:20:40,000 --> 01:20:42,759
Speaker 1: That's that's part of our journey. I had the health insurance,

1519
01:20:42,840 --> 01:20:44,599
Speaker 1: so I was like, I'm gonna hold it down while

1520
01:20:44,600 --> 01:20:46,680
Speaker 1: you were building your business, so at least at home

1521
01:20:46,760 --> 01:20:49,720
Speaker 1: doing nothing, you were sol caretaker of our child at

1522
01:20:49,760 --> 01:20:52,000
Speaker 1: the time. And I think there's maybe a level of

1523
01:20:52,080 --> 01:20:54,439
Speaker 1: complacency that her husband may have here too, because if

1524
01:20:54,479 --> 01:20:57,200
Speaker 1: you've always been the breadwinner, and you've always been you

1525
01:20:57,280 --> 01:20:59,840
Speaker 1: bought your own engagement when where it's like, what is

1526
01:20:59,880 --> 01:21:02,320
Speaker 1: that is it that he does he have to try for?

1527
01:21:02,560 --> 01:21:04,360
Speaker 1: What is he trying for? At this point? If she's

1528
01:21:04,400 --> 01:21:06,320
Speaker 1: done at all, you've been doing it all. So he

1529
01:21:06,520 --> 01:21:08,680
Speaker 1: just may also just be complacent with the fact that

1530
01:21:08,960 --> 01:21:12,160
Speaker 1: my wife is the breadwinner and we have the things

1531
01:21:12,240 --> 01:21:14,559
Speaker 1: that we need. All three children have our own, their

1532
01:21:14,600 --> 01:21:16,320
Speaker 1: own room, but they sleep on the floor. Sleep on

1533
01:21:16,360 --> 01:21:18,840
Speaker 1: the floor in your grandmother's place. I see this is

1534
01:21:18,960 --> 01:21:21,760
Speaker 1: my I couldn't live with myself if my wife was

1535
01:21:21,800 --> 01:21:23,400
Speaker 1: the bread winner and had to sleep on the floor.

1536
01:21:23,439 --> 01:21:25,839
Speaker 1: Like it's different if this was like a sacrificial period

1537
01:21:25,920 --> 01:21:28,800
Speaker 1: in your marriagery, Like you know what, Yeah, we're going

1538
01:21:28,840 --> 01:21:31,160
Speaker 1: to sleep on this floor for the next year because

1539
01:21:31,280 --> 01:21:33,160
Speaker 1: we are both gonna bust our asks to save money

1540
01:21:33,200 --> 01:21:36,439
Speaker 1: so that way we can find our own place or something. Um,

1541
01:21:36,680 --> 01:21:38,680
Speaker 1: But is there just like a level of comfort and

1542
01:21:38,720 --> 01:21:41,960
Speaker 1: complacency that he has sleeping on the floor in grandma's house.

1543
01:21:43,080 --> 01:21:44,639
Speaker 1: I don't have to be honest, I don't. I don't

1544
01:21:44,720 --> 01:21:47,400
Speaker 1: understand it. We we have we have another podcast coming

1545
01:21:47,479 --> 01:21:50,600
Speaker 1: up talking about family and adults. I just, for the

1546
01:21:50,720 --> 01:21:54,599
Speaker 1: life of me don't understand how if you if your

1547
01:21:54,640 --> 01:21:57,800
Speaker 1: sole purpose is too not so purpose, but if your

1548
01:21:57,880 --> 01:22:00,559
Speaker 1: husband part of that being a husband, even if you're

1549
01:22:00,640 --> 01:22:02,800
Speaker 1: stay at home dad has to be to take care

1550
01:22:02,840 --> 01:22:05,040
Speaker 1: of your family. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. Like

1551
01:22:05,160 --> 01:22:07,439
Speaker 1: it it has to be because I can see resentment

1552
01:22:07,520 --> 01:22:12,160
Speaker 1: buildings absolutely in the circumstance, especially since you're the go getter. UM.

1553
01:22:12,280 --> 01:22:13,960
Speaker 1: A piece of advice that I have for you as

1554
01:22:14,120 --> 01:22:17,080
Speaker 1: a makeup artist and esthetician, um, just be great at

1555
01:22:17,120 --> 01:22:19,880
Speaker 1: your craft. UM. I know, aspiring to be a celebrity

1556
01:22:19,960 --> 01:22:23,160
Speaker 1: makeup artist or celebrity this or that, UM seems like

1557
01:22:23,560 --> 01:22:25,960
Speaker 1: the best road sometimes. But just be great at what

1558
01:22:26,080 --> 01:22:28,879
Speaker 1: you are doing. Be great at your craft because sometimes

1559
01:22:28,960 --> 01:22:31,800
Speaker 1: your biggest clientele aren't the celebrity clients. Don't say you

1560
01:22:31,920 --> 01:22:35,400
Speaker 1: made a lot more money. They are hard working every

1561
01:22:35,479 --> 01:22:38,599
Speaker 1: day women, um, who are going to be brides, who

1562
01:22:38,640 --> 01:22:40,880
Speaker 1: are going to be moms, Like I made a ton

1563
01:22:40,960 --> 01:22:44,120
Speaker 1: of money in the wedding industry. Actually as a makeup artist.

1564
01:22:44,479 --> 01:22:47,479
Speaker 1: Sometimes that celebrity makeup artist's life is not the movie

1565
01:22:47,560 --> 01:22:50,320
Speaker 1: because sometimes you have people wanting jobs done for free

1566
01:22:50,400 --> 01:22:52,880
Speaker 1: or for exposure that don't pay the bills. Well, that's

1567
01:22:53,000 --> 01:22:56,120
Speaker 1: that's ultimately what happens. Once you become a celebrity makeup artist,

1568
01:22:56,200 --> 01:22:57,880
Speaker 1: then people try to up their rates so that the

1569
01:22:57,960 --> 01:23:00,800
Speaker 1: regular people have to pay more money for their time

1570
01:23:00,880 --> 01:23:03,280
Speaker 1: because their clients one of their clients is a celebrity.

1571
01:23:03,800 --> 01:23:06,719
Speaker 1: What I've learned, especially watching Codeine do this for years.

1572
01:23:06,800 --> 01:23:10,839
Speaker 1: I think you did it for almost almost almost a decade.

1573
01:23:11,320 --> 01:23:14,760
Speaker 1: Almost a decade, yeah different, almost a decade. Um. You

1574
01:23:14,920 --> 01:23:18,960
Speaker 1: had those clients that were, like you repeat clients. So

1575
01:23:19,479 --> 01:23:22,000
Speaker 1: when you when you got a client for an engagement shoot,

1576
01:23:22,600 --> 01:23:25,040
Speaker 1: you then got them for a boudoir shoot. You then

1577
01:23:25,120 --> 01:23:27,439
Speaker 1: got them for their maternity shoot, You then got them

1578
01:23:27,520 --> 01:23:29,960
Speaker 1: for their wedding. And these are people that anytime they

1579
01:23:30,040 --> 01:23:33,400
Speaker 1: had an event, they contacted you and then they gave

1580
01:23:33,720 --> 01:23:38,839
Speaker 1: their friends your information. So sometimes it's not about the celebrity.

1581
01:23:38,840 --> 01:23:40,560
Speaker 1: And I even learned this with my business. Remember I

1582
01:23:40,640 --> 01:23:42,800
Speaker 1: wanted when I started training, like I'm going to train

1583
01:23:42,960 --> 01:23:48,479
Speaker 1: NFL elite athletes don't pay this social media a Sometimes

1584
01:23:48,560 --> 01:23:50,840
Speaker 1: they don't. The client doesn't know tag the makeup artist

1585
01:23:50,920 --> 01:23:55,479
Speaker 1: at all. Does that tagging translate to money in the future.

1586
01:23:55,520 --> 01:23:57,320
Speaker 1: So that's something you want to think about. That's my

1587
01:23:57,400 --> 01:24:01,000
Speaker 1: business campaign, that's my business from the biggest clientele for

1588
01:24:01,080 --> 01:24:03,479
Speaker 1: you may just be your everyday woman, you know. Um,

1589
01:24:03,800 --> 01:24:06,320
Speaker 1: but yeah, sorry, back to the task at hand. But

1590
01:24:06,439 --> 01:24:08,519
Speaker 1: I'm no Now I was just saying that, um, I think.

1591
01:24:08,840 --> 01:24:10,680
Speaker 1: And then this is what we talked about with the Nora. Right,

1592
01:24:10,760 --> 01:24:16,280
Speaker 1: anytime you have a marriage, you're going into a contract negotiation, right,

1593
01:24:16,760 --> 01:24:18,960
Speaker 1: so you have to say what are your terms for

1594
01:24:19,000 --> 01:24:21,200
Speaker 1: the agreement? I have to say what are my terms

1595
01:24:21,240 --> 01:24:23,760
Speaker 1: for the agreement? And this is why I remember when

1596
01:24:23,800 --> 01:24:25,720
Speaker 1: I say all the time marriage is a business. It

1597
01:24:25,880 --> 01:24:28,360
Speaker 1: is a business. Right, you sign a contract, you get married,

1598
01:24:28,400 --> 01:24:31,120
Speaker 1: you share your taxes, you know, you divide up finances

1599
01:24:31,479 --> 01:24:33,479
Speaker 1: when you get married. You have to go into it

1600
01:24:33,640 --> 01:24:35,760
Speaker 1: knowing that I have to tell my spouse and this

1601
01:24:35,880 --> 01:24:38,400
Speaker 1: is something that we talked about with Katris. I have

1602
01:24:38,479 --> 01:24:40,400
Speaker 1: to tell my spouse what my wants and my knees

1603
01:24:40,400 --> 01:24:44,400
Speaker 1: are not only physically and mentally emotionally, but also financially.

1604
01:24:44,800 --> 01:24:46,320
Speaker 1: You know, where do we want to see ourselves in

1605
01:24:46,400 --> 01:24:49,040
Speaker 1: five years? And a lot of times these conversations aren't

1606
01:24:49,040 --> 01:24:51,760
Speaker 1: had between people. Then you get married, and through the

1607
01:24:51,800 --> 01:24:54,400
Speaker 1: marriage you start to realize that this person's financial acumen

1608
01:24:54,520 --> 01:24:56,720
Speaker 1: is not the same as mine. There wants and needs

1609
01:24:56,720 --> 01:24:59,519
Speaker 1: aren't the same amount and resentment bills because he may

1610
01:24:59,600 --> 01:25:01,600
Speaker 1: become placing. He may be a great guy who just

1611
01:25:01,640 --> 01:25:04,400
Speaker 1: feels like, well, my wife got it, So we're good.

1612
01:25:04,520 --> 01:25:06,200
Speaker 1: So we're good, and you may be like, no, I

1613
01:25:06,320 --> 01:25:09,120
Speaker 1: want more. And if that's not his mindset, this is

1614
01:25:09,200 --> 01:25:12,360
Speaker 1: something that you should have discussed and say, hey, we're

1615
01:25:12,360 --> 01:25:13,960
Speaker 1: at the top of the year. Usually Deval and I

1616
01:25:14,000 --> 01:25:16,120
Speaker 1: will sit, We'll have several different conversations at the top

1617
01:25:16,160 --> 01:25:19,840
Speaker 1: of the year. We will talk to ourselves, like self,

1618
01:25:20,080 --> 01:25:21,479
Speaker 1: what do I want for this new year, what is

1619
01:25:21,600 --> 01:25:23,200
Speaker 1: going to be my plan for the year, what's my

1620
01:25:23,280 --> 01:25:25,200
Speaker 1: next two year plan? With my five year plan? From

1621
01:25:25,240 --> 01:25:27,360
Speaker 1: this point on, we have a conversation as a couple.

1622
01:25:27,640 --> 01:25:30,439
Speaker 1: We then have business conversations with our manager individually and

1623
01:25:30,520 --> 01:25:32,840
Speaker 1: then a couple like there are different conversations that need

1624
01:25:32,920 --> 01:25:34,960
Speaker 1: to be had, So I feel like this maybe it's

1625
01:25:35,000 --> 01:25:37,320
Speaker 1: worth having a conversation with him and putting yourselves on

1626
01:25:37,439 --> 01:25:41,599
Speaker 1: some sort of timeline, goal oriented plan, especially if you're

1627
01:25:41,600 --> 01:25:43,800
Speaker 1: feeling like you're needing some help um and you don't

1628
01:25:43,800 --> 01:25:45,640
Speaker 1: want the resentment to build, you know. And also I

1629
01:25:45,680 --> 01:25:48,120
Speaker 1: think like she's unhappy. No, it doesn't seem like she's unappy,

1630
01:25:49,560 --> 01:25:51,800
Speaker 1: just needs help. And I feel like the world is changing.

1631
01:25:51,920 --> 01:25:54,200
Speaker 1: Like this idea that you have to exist in the

1632
01:25:54,280 --> 01:25:56,920
Speaker 1: space where the man is the breadwinner. It's not the

1633
01:25:57,000 --> 01:26:00,160
Speaker 1: reality anymore. There are some high earning women in the

1634
01:26:00,240 --> 01:26:04,200
Speaker 1: world who are going to earn more than their spouses

1635
01:26:04,280 --> 01:26:08,479
Speaker 1: regardless of what their spouses do. It's fine to say,

1636
01:26:08,520 --> 01:26:12,360
Speaker 1: you know what, we were married, we don't have traditional

1637
01:26:12,439 --> 01:26:15,320
Speaker 1: gender roles. She's the bread winner. Like, that's just there's

1638
01:26:15,360 --> 01:26:17,080
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with it. And and also as a man,

1639
01:26:17,160 --> 01:26:19,160
Speaker 1: you can still find pride and taking care of your

1640
01:26:19,240 --> 01:26:21,960
Speaker 1: family even if your wife makes mo money in you,

1641
01:26:22,160 --> 01:26:24,400
Speaker 1: I ain't a lot of you. Regardless of how much

1642
01:26:24,439 --> 01:26:27,519
Speaker 1: money k has signed the deal with own tomorrow and

1643
01:26:27,680 --> 01:26:30,840
Speaker 1: be making fifty million dollars a year, that would make

1644
01:26:30,880 --> 01:26:33,120
Speaker 1: it a breadwinner. I'm still gonna pay all the bills

1645
01:26:33,120 --> 01:26:35,439
Speaker 1: in the house. Like that's just, that's just the way

1646
01:26:35,520 --> 01:26:39,360
Speaker 1: our relationship works. And in Kal probably she just says

1647
01:26:39,400 --> 01:26:40,920
Speaker 1: all the time, when I started to make my millions,

1648
01:26:40,920 --> 01:26:46,280
Speaker 1: I'm gonna investing us things. I don't get no problem

1649
01:26:46,320 --> 01:26:48,000
Speaker 1: with that. Like I don't get no problem with that.

1650
01:26:49,760 --> 01:26:51,880
Speaker 1: You want me to dance for I got you, I

1651
01:26:51,960 --> 01:26:56,680
Speaker 1: got you. I love that. But I also say to

1652
01:26:57,120 --> 01:26:59,000
Speaker 1: whoever is better equipped in that moment to deal with

1653
01:26:59,080 --> 01:27:02,040
Speaker 1: whatever the task is hand, sometimes deal with it that's

1654
01:27:02,080 --> 01:27:04,040
Speaker 1: deal with it for you, right, all right, y'all, If

1655
01:27:04,040 --> 01:27:06,000
Speaker 1: you'd like to be featured as one of our listener letters,

1656
01:27:06,120 --> 01:27:09,559
Speaker 1: email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com.

1657
01:27:10,080 --> 01:27:12,479
Speaker 1: That's d E A D A S S A d

1658
01:27:12,640 --> 01:27:14,559
Speaker 1: V I c E. He's about to try to cut

1659
01:27:14,640 --> 01:27:19,880
Speaker 1: me on at gmail dot com. Moment of Truth time.

1660
01:27:20,200 --> 01:27:22,200
Speaker 1: We cover so much in this episode even know what

1661
01:27:22,640 --> 01:27:25,160
Speaker 1: truth is? Right now, let me think I got my

1662
01:27:25,200 --> 01:27:27,439
Speaker 1: moment of truth first. First, my moment of truth is

1663
01:27:27,520 --> 01:27:31,519
Speaker 1: for parenting, right, and because that's mainly what we were

1664
01:27:31,560 --> 01:27:34,679
Speaker 1: talking about, relationships and parenting. But Katrice pointed out something

1665
01:27:34,800 --> 01:27:36,960
Speaker 1: very important that I missed that I'm glad she pointed

1666
01:27:37,000 --> 01:27:41,080
Speaker 1: it out. When you have children, right, children's relationships with

1667
01:27:41,160 --> 01:27:43,000
Speaker 1: the rest of the world are going to be dependent

1668
01:27:43,120 --> 01:27:47,280
Speaker 1: on mom's relationship with dad, dad relationship with mom, and

1669
01:27:47,360 --> 01:27:49,439
Speaker 1: then their relationship with the child, or mom's relationship with

1670
01:27:49,560 --> 01:27:52,280
Speaker 1: mom and dad relationship with dad, and then their relationship

1671
01:27:52,280 --> 01:27:55,639
Speaker 1: with their parents. And that's important because now, as parents,

1672
01:27:55,760 --> 01:27:58,400
Speaker 1: you get to choose how you want your children to

1673
01:27:58,520 --> 01:28:01,840
Speaker 1: see you interact with your spouse every time you open

1674
01:28:01,880 --> 01:28:04,639
Speaker 1: your mouth in that house, so you have to be deliberate,

1675
01:28:04,800 --> 01:28:06,800
Speaker 1: you know, you and your your wife or you or

1676
01:28:06,840 --> 01:28:10,040
Speaker 1: your husband are going through something and your child is there.

1677
01:28:11,120 --> 01:28:13,400
Speaker 1: Let me be very deliberate about how I deal with

1678
01:28:13,520 --> 01:28:18,360
Speaker 1: this situation, because my child, my child's relationships in the future,

1679
01:28:18,680 --> 01:28:23,400
Speaker 1: not just romantic relationships, relationships with friends, relationships with business partners,

1680
01:28:23,439 --> 01:28:25,880
Speaker 1: are all going to be predicated and how they see

1681
01:28:26,280 --> 01:28:28,080
Speaker 1: us deal with each other. So my moment of truth

1682
01:28:28,200 --> 01:28:30,760
Speaker 1: is be very cognizant of what your children see in

1683
01:28:30,840 --> 01:28:34,000
Speaker 1: that house and make choices that not only best suit

1684
01:28:34,080 --> 01:28:37,599
Speaker 1: yourself but also suit your child. That's so very good,

1685
01:28:37,840 --> 01:28:40,200
Speaker 1: very very well said UM. I think my moment of

1686
01:28:40,280 --> 01:28:44,080
Speaker 1: truth is going to what Katrice said UM when she said,

1687
01:28:44,120 --> 01:28:46,479
Speaker 1: as a mom, I just had that gut feeling that

1688
01:28:46,600 --> 01:28:49,280
Speaker 1: I knew something was wrong. I feel like moms are

1689
01:28:49,360 --> 01:28:54,280
Speaker 1: gifted with this intuition that we just know that something

1690
01:28:54,400 --> 01:28:57,800
Speaker 1: may be wrong. And UM. I always encourage every mom

1691
01:28:57,960 --> 01:29:00,200
Speaker 1: or dad to go with that and not to take

1692
01:29:00,240 --> 01:29:02,439
Speaker 1: for granted that the family member is saying, oh, such

1693
01:29:02,479 --> 01:29:04,360
Speaker 1: and such was fine, or this person was fine, that

1694
01:29:04,439 --> 01:29:06,240
Speaker 1: person was fine, Oh the baby is just fine. You know.

1695
01:29:07,120 --> 01:29:09,760
Speaker 1: I think there's been too much of that happening, particularly

1696
01:29:09,880 --> 01:29:12,599
Speaker 1: in our community, where we just kind of brush things off,

1697
01:29:12,760 --> 01:29:14,920
Speaker 1: or just say somebody will outgrow it, and then when

1698
01:29:14,960 --> 01:29:17,880
Speaker 1: they don't and they're not necessarily as productive as a

1699
01:29:17,920 --> 01:29:19,880
Speaker 1: member of society as we want them to be, were

1700
01:29:19,960 --> 01:29:22,080
Speaker 1: then shunning them or we're making fun of them, or

1701
01:29:22,120 --> 01:29:25,080
Speaker 1: we're laughing at them. UM, as a put in, as

1702
01:29:25,120 --> 01:29:27,840
Speaker 1: opposed to trying to find out early like she said,

1703
01:29:27,880 --> 01:29:30,680
Speaker 1: that early intervention phase of finding out what exactly is

1704
01:29:30,720 --> 01:29:33,000
Speaker 1: going on, what makes my child take? Why isn't my

1705
01:29:33,080 --> 01:29:35,320
Speaker 1: child taking the way he or she should, and then

1706
01:29:35,479 --> 01:29:38,080
Speaker 1: being that advocate for them, speaking up for them, making

1707
01:29:38,120 --> 01:29:40,439
Speaker 1: sure that they have the resources they need. And let's

1708
01:29:40,479 --> 01:29:42,720
Speaker 1: face it, UM, a lot of black and brown kids

1709
01:29:42,760 --> 01:29:46,040
Speaker 1: don't necessarily have the resources readily available and handy to

1710
01:29:46,160 --> 01:29:48,840
Speaker 1: them that they need, in part because sometimes we don't

1711
01:29:48,840 --> 01:29:51,000
Speaker 1: do our due diligence and do our own research, but

1712
01:29:51,120 --> 01:29:53,160
Speaker 1: in part because they kind of give us these circles

1713
01:29:53,200 --> 01:29:54,920
Speaker 1: and these hoops that we have to jump through in

1714
01:29:55,080 --> 01:29:58,280
Speaker 1: order to advocate for our child properly. So I would

1715
01:29:58,360 --> 01:30:00,960
Speaker 1: encourage any parent, UM, if you see something with your

1716
01:30:01,000 --> 01:30:03,400
Speaker 1: child that you may feel like it's not necessarily the normal,

1717
01:30:03,800 --> 01:30:08,200
Speaker 1: don't always take the professional's word. As you know, as

1718
01:30:08,320 --> 01:30:10,640
Speaker 1: law and UM, sometimes you just have to do your

1719
01:30:10,680 --> 01:30:12,759
Speaker 1: own thing at home. And I think the benefit Katrice

1720
01:30:12,800 --> 01:30:15,680
Speaker 1: had was that during the pandemic she was really able to, like,

1721
01:30:15,800 --> 01:30:18,800
Speaker 1: hone in on Ashton, you know what we had this

1722
01:30:18,920 --> 01:30:22,600
Speaker 1: time at home, we're together, let me try everything. And

1723
01:30:22,920 --> 01:30:25,160
Speaker 1: imagine how she felt because I felt it just being

1724
01:30:25,200 --> 01:30:27,599
Speaker 1: a mom as well when she said he's talking now

1725
01:30:27,680 --> 01:30:31,080
Speaker 1: and everything, the flash cards, the fish, the blue, the purple,

1726
01:30:31,200 --> 01:30:33,200
Speaker 1: like he just it was just started coming out. So

1727
01:30:33,280 --> 01:30:35,479
Speaker 1: it wasn't in vain And I just got goose bumps

1728
01:30:35,479 --> 01:30:37,559
Speaker 1: in that moment for her because I just felt as

1729
01:30:37,560 --> 01:30:39,519
Speaker 1: a mom that sense of pride when you feel like wow,

1730
01:30:39,920 --> 01:30:42,560
Speaker 1: something was resonating this whole time and it was not

1731
01:30:42,720 --> 01:30:44,919
Speaker 1: in vain um and it was all for the betterment

1732
01:30:45,040 --> 01:30:48,800
Speaker 1: of the baby. So that's my MoMA is truth. That's

1733
01:30:48,800 --> 01:30:51,040
Speaker 1: a moment of truth. Thank you. I could tell you

1734
01:30:51,360 --> 01:30:57,400
Speaker 1: when your mama bear, I was meant to be. That's

1735
01:30:57,479 --> 01:31:01,200
Speaker 1: one thing I like. But we can coin that phrase

1736
01:31:01,320 --> 01:31:05,920
Speaker 1: on you as a mom, to be a mother. That's

1737
01:31:06,040 --> 01:31:10,840
Speaker 1: me in my happiest state as a mom and a wife. Anyhow,

1738
01:31:11,479 --> 01:31:15,000
Speaker 1: yess y'all all know where to find me, right Kadan

1739
01:31:15,120 --> 01:31:18,160
Speaker 1: i am on Instagram or on social media rather, and

1740
01:31:18,240 --> 01:31:20,400
Speaker 1: of course we're at dead as the Podcast and I

1741
01:31:20,479 --> 01:31:22,760
Speaker 1: am devout and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be

1742
01:31:22,920 --> 01:31:31,679
Speaker 1: sure to rate, review and subscribe. Dead as dead Ass

1743
01:31:31,760 --> 01:31:34,320
Speaker 1: is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and

1744
01:31:34,400 --> 01:31:37,879
Speaker 1: is produced by the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast

1745
01:31:38,000 --> 01:31:40,559
Speaker 1: on social media at dead as the Podcasts and never

1746
01:31:40,640 --> 01:31:41,120
Speaker 1: miss a Thing