Speaker 1: I hope you have the enjoyed our previous podcast. I
Speaker 1: gotta tell you I love doing these I love love
Speaker 1: love being able to talk to you from more than
Speaker 1: a couple of minutes at a time. I love sharing
Speaker 1: my heart. And although this podcast is free to you,
Speaker 1: it's not free to produce or to deliver. We have
Speaker 1: a whole team of folks working on these. Before we
Speaker 1: get any further into this conversation, I wanted to talk
Speaker 1: about our sponsor. I shared a great movie with my
Speaker 1: kids last week. We got to see A Dog's Purpose,
Speaker 1: the movie that opens Friday. It's a movie that sort
Speaker 1: of sees the world through the perspective through the eyes
Speaker 1: of a dog. It was such a great movie. It
Speaker 1: took at least one box of clean X, maybe two
Speaker 1: between all of us. We have five dogs in our
Speaker 1: house every day. They are a huge part of our lives,
Speaker 1: so seeing life through the eyes of a dog made
Speaker 1: this great for my family. It's going to pull your
Speaker 1: heart strings, it's gonna make you cry, but it's got
Speaker 1: such a good ending, a happy ending. The movie opens
Speaker 1: this Friday in theaters everywhere. So I was saying thank
Speaker 1: you for joining us, and thank you for downloading this podcast.
Speaker 1: We decided to talk about bold love on the air
Speaker 1: the last few weeks starting this year with boldness, living boldly,
Speaker 1: taking chances, stepping outside of your comfort zone. And and
Speaker 1: you wrote to me and said the most bold things
Speaker 1: she's ever done, She said, I brought a homeless woman
Speaker 1: home to live with me. I set her up in
Speaker 1: an apartment, my friends and I filled it with donated
Speaker 1: items between another woman and myself, we ended up spending
Speaker 1: a bunch of money filling her fridge and cupboards with food. Unfortunately,
Speaker 1: this woman met a guy and walked away from it
Speaker 1: all because she wasn't allowed to have him live in
Speaker 1: the apartment with her. Now she's in it up back
Speaker 1: on the street again. And thank you for sharing that,
Speaker 1: and thank you for sharing bold love, even if the
Speaker 1: result wasn't what you would hope it would be. I
Speaker 1: can't tell you and how many times I have stepped
Speaker 1: out on faith, stepped out in love and done the
Speaker 1: very same thing you did, provided a home for somebody
Speaker 1: who was homeless, taken in people off the streets. When
Speaker 1: my daughter Sheila was a baby, I met a listener
Speaker 1: who was a prostitute and she had a broken nose
Speaker 1: from her pimp. And she was such a beautiful and
Speaker 1: kind and sweet young lady, and my husband and I
Speaker 1: decided to help her out and found her safe place
Speaker 1: to live and brought her into our hearts and into
Speaker 1: our homes, and she got clean and sober, She detoxed
Speaker 1: off years of drug abuse. She was young, but she
Speaker 1: had been using drugs and alcohol since she was like
Speaker 1: twelve or thirteen years old. She was such a sweet lady,
Speaker 1: such a good heart, but she was so broken, so fragile,
Speaker 1: and she got frustrated because she got a job as
Speaker 1: a waitress and she was making minimum wage and not
Speaker 1: not very much tips. And one night one of her
Speaker 1: old clients contacted her and offered her a great deal
Speaker 1: of money, and she decided to go back, and she
Speaker 1: told herself it was just going to be that one time.
Speaker 1: Well guess what happened That one time led to another time,
Speaker 1: led to another time, led her back to the crack
Speaker 1: pipe and back to the streets. And I don't know
Speaker 1: if she ever found her way home again. I don't
Speaker 1: know if she ever made life choices. And that has
Speaker 1: happened dozens of times with people that I've loved, and
Speaker 1: it used to frustrate me and break my heart to think,
Speaker 1: after all I've done, how could you do this? But
Speaker 1: then I realized that it's not about the outcome. It's
Speaker 1: about showing someone there's a better way, and whether they
Speaker 1: choose to take that way or not. I am still
Speaker 1: going to choose to love my husband. My friends, they
Speaker 1: all said, d when are you going to stop? When
Speaker 1: are you going to realize that you're wasting your money,
Speaker 1: You're wasting your time, You're wasting your energy trying to
Speaker 1: help people that don't want to be helped. And if
Speaker 1: somebody says they don't want to be helped or shows
Speaker 1: me they don't want to be helped, that's fine. But
Speaker 1: when somebody shows me that they want to change, they
Speaker 1: want a better life, I am always going to extend
Speaker 1: my heart and love I am. I don't ever want
Speaker 1: to become bitter or cynical, or are frustrated or feel
Speaker 1: used up. I still want to love. Maybe I'll do
Speaker 1: it a little more wisely in the future, but and
Speaker 1: maybe I will instead of trying to help, will do
Speaker 1: what I what I try to do now, which is
Speaker 1: to give more tools for them to make the change
Speaker 1: and make the choices and to do what needs to
Speaker 1: be done. But always love honey, don't and don't get frustrated.
Speaker 1: That she is back out on the street is heartbreaking,
Speaker 1: But you don't know. Maybe you have planted a seed
Speaker 1: in her heart and maybe one night she will go
Speaker 1: to bed and she will wake up and go I
Speaker 1: don't want this life anymore. I don't want the streets anymore.
Speaker 1: I don't want the drugs. I don't want the abuse.
Speaker 1: I don't want to be addicted to men that destroy me,
Speaker 1: or drugs that take my health and take my sanity.
Speaker 1: You don't know. You planted seed, and that's how God
Speaker 1: calls us to do. So don't get discouraged, and don't
Speaker 1: stop loving. Maybe you are like Ange, and you give
Speaker 1: and give and give of yourself, and maybe a give
Speaker 1: too much. Maybe you've got a son or a daughter
Speaker 1: that makes promises time and time again, and each time
Speaker 1: you fall for it, and then they steal your car
Speaker 1: or your checkbook or your credit card, and your heart
Speaker 1: is shattered all over again. Maybe you need to read
Speaker 1: a little book called Boundaries. It's by a doctor Cloud
Speaker 1: and doctor Townsend. It's been in print for twenty years.
Speaker 1: I don't know how long. But it's a great, great book.
Speaker 1: If you're a giver and you're always giving to others
Speaker 1: and they take and take and take until there's nothing
Speaker 1: left to give, maybe you need to set healthy boundaries.
Speaker 1: Oh that's so hard to do. Do you have an
Speaker 1: adult child, a sister or a brother. Maybe it's your
Speaker 1: spouse that simply can't won't or can't get sober and
Speaker 1: get clean, get off the whatever it is they're addicted to,
Speaker 1: stay away from the casinos. I know an adult young woman, beautiful, smart, talented,
Speaker 1: oh so talented, but keeps destroying herself because she can't
Speaker 1: stay away from the casinos. She is addicted to gambling.
Speaker 1: It's a real thing. You're like, how how could you?
Speaker 1: How could you get addicted to throwing your money away?
Speaker 1: It's true, lots of people do it and spend billions
Speaker 1: of dollars every day behind that addiction. If you have
Speaker 1: a hard time setting boundaries with others, try try looking
Speaker 1: into that book Boundaries by Dr Cloud in Doctor Townsend.
Speaker 1: And if you're the one that you have a hard
Speaker 1: time setting boundaries with, if you're if you can't set
Speaker 1: boundaries with yourself, if you make promises to yourself, I'm
Speaker 1: never going to do this. I'm never going to do that,
Speaker 1: and then you turn around and do it. Then you
Speaker 1: need to be the one looking into a twelve step
Speaker 1: group to fix whatever it is that you keep doing.
Speaker 1: I know so many people that have addictions, addictive behaviors,
Speaker 1: and they make promises to themselves, they make promises to
Speaker 1: their kids, and then they don't they don't follow through.
Speaker 1: That's what makes it an addiction. That is the definition
Speaker 1: of addiction, doing the same thing over and over and
Speaker 1: over and expecting different results. Silly you think, well, I'm
Speaker 1: not really an alcoholic because I still have a job.
Speaker 1: I'm not an alcoholic because I don't go to the
Speaker 1: bars and drink. I just sit here and down a
Speaker 1: bottle of wine or two, or a six pack of
Speaker 1: bear or two. Don't be silly. Come on, are you
Speaker 1: really in that deep of denial. I have a dear
Speaker 1: friend of our family who finally made his way to
Speaker 1: a twelve step meeting about six months ago after he
Speaker 1: had destroyed his life in behind crack cocaine. And he's
Speaker 1: not a young man. I'm not talking to eighteen year
Speaker 1: old or five year old. This man's in his sixties
Speaker 1: and he had been off the drugs for twenty years
Speaker 1: and went back thinking he could control it, thinking he
Speaker 1: could handle it, thinking it wasn't really an addiction. But
Speaker 1: that's the definition of addiction. If you know that you
Speaker 1: have a problem and you can't stop, get help, get help,
Speaker 1: ask for help, raise your hand and say, um, delila,
Speaker 1: I need to talk to you. I don't know what
Speaker 1: to do because I can't stop going to the casino
Speaker 1: and I've ruined my credit and I can't pay my
Speaker 1: rent and I can't even buy food right now. But
Speaker 1: I can't let anyone know there's help. They're is there's help.
Speaker 1: Several years ago when I first found my way to
Speaker 1: the twelve step programs because my husband was an alcoholic
Speaker 1: and my father was an alcoholic, and I found out
Speaker 1: there was a twelve step program for people who love
Speaker 1: people who drink too much, and I refused to go.
Speaker 1: I wanted nothing to do with it because I said,
Speaker 1: I'm not the one with the problem, And somebody said, really,
Speaker 1: because I think you're the one that just got out
Speaker 1: of the hospital because you were beat up by a drunk.
Speaker 1: That means you have a problem. Now. My problem is
Speaker 1: I need to get them to stop drinking. I said,
Speaker 1: so many of us think that our problem is we
Speaker 1: got to fix somebody else. In just a moment, I'm
Speaker 1: going to share a phone call that I took on
Speaker 1: my show from somebody who's trying to fix her son.
Speaker 1: And his addiction isn't one that's talked about or even recognized,
Speaker 1: because it's not chemicals. He's not addicted to crack or
Speaker 1: heroin or alcohol. He's addicted to the Internet, and his
Speaker 1: gaming has become his whole life to the point where
Speaker 1: he has no other relationships. I'm gonna share my words
Speaker 1: of wisdom with his mama and see if I can't
Speaker 1: help her find peace in her life. Hi, Cindy, Welcome
Speaker 1: to the Delilah Show. How's your New Year's going so far? Um,
Speaker 1: It's it's a challenge. I'm I'm I'm just more so
Speaker 1: worried about my son. He was twenty two. I had
Speaker 1: a birthday on Christmas. I had nice presents for him
Speaker 1: that I had saved over several months and got them,
Speaker 1: knew that he could use them. And it's just very
Speaker 1: sad because I cooked dinner and made a real nice dinner,
Speaker 1: and usually what his father had been alive, he would
Speaker 1: have helped me clean the kitchen, which he always did.
Speaker 1: But I always cooked on my birthday because that's the
Speaker 1: way I always did. And my son, it didn't offer anything.
Speaker 1: He just says, thanks for the dinner. It was good.
Speaker 1: It Um. After the gifts were open, of course, I
Speaker 1: didn't get anything because he didn't have anything to give me,
Speaker 1: which is fine. He made me a birthday cart and
Speaker 1: that means more to me probably than anything. And um,
Speaker 1: he uh, he's he's incessantly and grossly addicted to game stations.
Speaker 1: It's combat. It's across the boat, pons around the world,
Speaker 1: and he cannot sit and converse with me or talk
Speaker 1: to me on the phone when I call him, ask
Speaker 1: him how his day is, and he said, I'm busy.
Speaker 1: So well, were you busy with? Are you cooking or
Speaker 1: cleaning or what? Can I come and help you? No, mother,
Speaker 1: I'm busy. And I said, well, you know, I just
Speaker 1: wanted to call him wish you a happy New Year.
Speaker 1: And I just hope and pray that God directs you
Speaker 1: on the right path this year and you follow and
Speaker 1: you make the wisest decisions that you could ever make
Speaker 1: as a young man. Well, when I said that, he
Speaker 1: not funny. I'm very, very upset because I love this
Speaker 1: young man more than anything. With his girlfriends leaving them
Speaker 1: after a year living with them, she is absolutely so
Speaker 1: dissatisfied with his behavior, his immaturity. Okay, stop stop, stop, stop,
Speaker 1: stop right there, okay, and take a deep breath, and
Speaker 1: I am going to share something with you that I
Speaker 1: want you to to write it down or to impress
Speaker 1: it on your heart. Okay, sure, are you ready? Yes?
Speaker 1: In the beginning of this conversation, you said, my son
Speaker 1: is terribly addicted to these games, and he is. My
Speaker 1: son is too. I have an eighteen year old son
Speaker 1: that I don't know if he's going to graduate high
Speaker 1: school because he is addicted to the games, and so
Speaker 1: are thousands and millions of his friends and other kids
Speaker 1: their age. So here's what I want you to hear.
Speaker 1: Are you ready, yes, ma'am. It's called the three CS
Speaker 1: of addiction. Number one, You did not cause his addiction.
Speaker 1: Whether a child's addiction is to the Internet, gaming, to gambling,
Speaker 1: to drinking, to drugging, to heroin, to pornography, to eating disorders, whatever,
Speaker 1: whatever the addiction is that is stealing their life from
Speaker 1: them and stealing them out of your arms. You did
Speaker 1: not cause it. Number two, you cannot control it. So
Speaker 1: saying things like I'm going to pray for you that
Speaker 1: you'll make wise decisions, or I'm not going to give
Speaker 1: you any money to buy alcohol, or you're on your
Speaker 1: own if you end up in the street from shooting heroin.
Speaker 1: There's nothing you can say or do to control another
Speaker 1: person's addiction. Trust me, I've tried. And the third see
Speaker 1: is you sure as hell cannot cure it. I know
Speaker 1: he has to. He has to admit his his addiction.
Speaker 1: He has to come forward and say I'm going to
Speaker 1: stop this. He lives on his own and his girlfriend
Speaker 1: lived together. She got so sick and tired of him
Speaker 1: the first six months. She has done with them. She
Speaker 1: dates other people, She works sixteen hour days, she stays
Speaker 1: with some friends once so well, because she cannot stand
Speaker 1: his stilth Um I asked him. I said, the only
Speaker 1: thing of Evan, if yet you can give me is
Speaker 1: um um is a nice Christmas tree decorated. So I
Speaker 1: got my ornaments that I gave him, and Um, I said,
Speaker 1: that's all I want. When I come into your apartment,
Speaker 1: then you can have the tree decorated. And and so
Speaker 1: a friend the daughter. But do you listen, do you
Speaker 1: hear what you're saying. You're talking to an addiction. You're
Speaker 1: not talking to your son. You know what he decorated
Speaker 1: Christmas morning? When I got there, and for Christmas afternoon,
Speaker 1: I said, also, you don't want to decorate a tree.
Speaker 1: You're gonna leave it like this? And he said, no,
Speaker 1: I thought we were going to do it. And then
Speaker 1: his girlfriend's mother was there um giving giving her gifts,
Speaker 1: and she said The mother said, that's all he did
Speaker 1: was play game stations. He has not even attempted to
Speaker 1: decorate the tree. And I said, I cannot believe this.
Speaker 1: He only cost me what he wants. But you can
Speaker 1: believe it because you've been living through it. This isn't
Speaker 1: a new something. This has been going on for a
Speaker 1: long time. But you can believe it. You're frustrated that
Speaker 1: you can't fix it. What you can't believe is that
Speaker 1: you have no power over it. You do not have
Speaker 1: any power over your son's addictive behavior. You don't have
Speaker 1: any power over your son period. You know, once a
Speaker 1: child hit thirteen fourteen, fifteen sixteen, were pretty much powerless
Speaker 1: over what we can and can't do in directing them, well,
Speaker 1: I unplug. He had a game station when he was younger,
Speaker 1: and I am plugged in, took the cord and I said,
Speaker 1: you're done for the next five days. You start showing
Speaker 1: me some responsibility here and I can return this. But
Speaker 1: now I can't. I wish I could go in there
Speaker 1: unplug it and then he but, honey, you sound think
Speaker 1: of all the thousands of moms and dads said, I
Speaker 1: wish I could just take the heroin needle out of
Speaker 1: their arm. I wish I could just go in and
Speaker 1: take the heroin out of their out of their pocketbook,
Speaker 1: out of their briefcase, out of their I wish I
Speaker 1: could just go take that bottle and dump it down
Speaker 1: the sink. And we try those things, but it doesn't work.
Speaker 1: For I drank or smoke, and he drinks a little bit,
Speaker 1: and when he gets a little wine under him or something,
Speaker 1: going out to dinner or something with some friends, which
Speaker 1: I had taken him out for his work because he
Speaker 1: doesn't have a car yet and he's not He doesn't care.
Speaker 1: He just drives his bike across the street where he
Speaker 1: works and rides it back home. And he works um
Speaker 1: with children which he is absolutely fantastic doing his job. Honey,
Speaker 1: you're not listening to a word I'm saying. I am. No,
Speaker 1: you're not. You're rallying on and on and on about him.
Speaker 1: It's not about him. He's an adult. He gets to
Speaker 1: make his choices. This is about you, Mom. It's breaking
Speaker 1: my heart, and you need to learn the Serenity prayer.
Speaker 1: I know that I used to read it all the time.
Speaker 1: I grabbed my head and hanging up on the wall. Okay,
Speaker 1: reading it is great, but you need to get it
Speaker 1: into your heart and your mind and your soul. God
Speaker 1: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Speaker 1: You have not accepted at all that you cannot fix
Speaker 1: your son. I have no qualms dealing with anything, but
Speaker 1: the fact is I just want to be closer to
Speaker 1: my son and be him to be a kinder, more
Speaker 1: giving individual. But but you've got to accept that you
Speaker 1: cannot change your son one iota. All you can do
Speaker 1: is love him and do not enable him, and let
Speaker 1: him make the choices he's going to make, and pray
Speaker 1: that before it's too late, God gets a hold of him.
Speaker 1: I hope, so, Delilah, I really hope. So Cindy, you
Speaker 1: speak for so many of us who are trying to rescue, rescue, ranger,
Speaker 1: rescue a loved one from the darkness of addiction. I
Speaker 1: can hear the love and the desperation you feel to
Speaker 1: try to fix this. You can't just love someone through this,
Speaker 1: trust me, many have tried. However, there is a bold
Speaker 1: enough love, but it's not an earthly love. Doesn't mean
Speaker 1: we give up, doesn't mean we stop loving, doesn't mean
Speaker 1: we stopped praying, doesn't mean we stopped doing kind things.
Speaker 1: But there are some very practical things and ideas that
Speaker 1: we can put into place so that the attic doesn't
Speaker 1: destroy us while the addiction is destroying them. I hope
Speaker 1: to bring the theme of a addiction to several of
Speaker 1: my podcasts this year. I'm going to invite real people
Speaker 1: who have been on every point of addiction, people who
Speaker 1: have been addicted and come out on the other side,
Speaker 1: people who have seen their loved ones through, people who
Speaker 1: have lost their loved ones because of addiction. We're going
Speaker 1: to share these experiences and our strength, hope, and love
Speaker 1: right to me by going to my website Delilah dot com,
Speaker 1: or you can find me on Facebook. I'd love to
Speaker 1: hear your thoughts, your stories, your experiences again. This podcast
Speaker 1: has been brought to you by the producers of the
Speaker 1: film A Dog's Purpose, a great movie to see with
Speaker 1: your whole family. Thank you for spending this time with me.
Speaker 1: So down and love some love,