Speaker 1: Welcome everyone to this episode of Amy MTJ. And we
Speaker 1: are talking about something on this episode that I think
Speaker 1: a lot of you listeners will relate to, and it's
Speaker 1: certainly something I have struggled with for most of my life,
Speaker 1: but I'm hopefully getting better, and that is about learning
Speaker 1: how to let go of control. We're always all of
Speaker 1: us in our minds trying to control every little part
Speaker 1: of our day that we actually have.
Speaker 2: No control over.
Speaker 1: But somehow we feel safe if we think we're controlling things,
Speaker 1: But what we're actually doing is making ourselves crazy. So
Speaker 1: much of the day and so much of our energy
Speaker 1: is wasted on trying to make other people do things
Speaker 1: we want them to do, or for situations to be
Speaker 1: different than what they are.
Speaker 2: And I have worked and.
Speaker 1: Will continue to work on trying to just accept what
Speaker 1: is right and the only thing we can control is
Speaker 1: how we respond, and that is intellectually very simple to understand,
Speaker 1: but putting that into practice is a whole other set
Speaker 1: of problems. DJ, how are you on not wasting your
Speaker 1: energy trying to control things that you can't control.
Speaker 3: Oh no, I'm I'm in I'm in full control of
Speaker 3: everything going around on around me.
Speaker 2: Full control like on the subway today.
Speaker 3: Total control. Yeah, I was in control of this podcast
Speaker 3: even and said you needed to start it. Total control.
Speaker 3: I'm in control of everything that's around you.
Speaker 2: That's amazing like that.
Speaker 3: Yeah, total control?
Speaker 2: Yeah, total what's what's your delusional life?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 3: Delusional? Oh no, no, no, no no no no no no no,
Speaker 3: it's here's the thing. I actually you know this. I
Speaker 3: have a tattoo on my right arm that it's one
Speaker 3: of my favorite and the simplest. That might be the
Speaker 3: quickest that I've of all my tattoos that I ever
Speaker 3: had done, and it simply says surrender. And I struggle
Speaker 3: in moments sometimes and you just the way you end
Speaker 3: up feeling when you're stressed, Oh God, a good day,
Speaker 3: da da day, And once you just say the hell
Speaker 3: with it is gonna be what it's gonna be. Wow,
Speaker 3: it's amazing. Yes, how life and joy and the weight
Speaker 3: is lifted. And it is hard to put in practice,
Speaker 3: but with a little training, and yes, I too have
Speaker 3: gotten better at that.
Speaker 2: I have been obsessed with a podcaster.
Speaker 1: Many of you may know who she is, and she's
Speaker 1: an author, but she's got a book coming out. But
Speaker 1: I'm talking about Mel Robbins, and she has put this
Speaker 1: theory in my head and she's writing a book about it,
Speaker 1: and it's called let Them. And so when I get
Speaker 1: frustrated or I want things to be different, or I
Speaker 1: want someone to do something differently, or to respond to
Speaker 1: me in a different way, or to say something that
Speaker 1: they haven't said, I just say let them. And if
Speaker 1: you just say those two words, all of a sudden
Speaker 1: you realize I'm acknowledging that I don't have control right now,
Speaker 1: and acknowledging that. It's amazing how your whole body will
Speaker 1: just relax because you really lies, there's nothing you can
Speaker 1: do to change it, and the only person you're hurting
Speaker 1: is yourself. Right you get all stressed out, I'll get
Speaker 1: a headache, I'll feel just my heart will start just
Speaker 1: beating quickly. You know, all those feelings of just stress.
Speaker 1: Stress is being out of control?
Speaker 3: How do you think I handle that? What you're describing there?
Speaker 3: And again I said I can speak on me, but
Speaker 3: I'm saying for an observer. I guess this would be
Speaker 3: an accurate I'm more honest for the listener at least.
Speaker 3: How do you think ideal in what you are describing?
Speaker 3: How would you say, I am and trying to control
Speaker 3: things around me.
Speaker 1: You get very in your head, you get very quiet,
Speaker 1: you pace, you get antsy, you start cleaning, and you
Speaker 1: start saying to yourself, I believe this is my observation.
Speaker 1: I can't control anything that's happening right now, and I'm
Speaker 1: really frustrated by it.
Speaker 2: So I'm gonna do what I can control, which is
Speaker 2: to clean.
Speaker 1: And I get that because I have that tendency as well.
Speaker 1: But you I've never actually seen it in a man,
Speaker 1: which I appreciate.
Speaker 3: Laughter from the room. Why is that a thing? What
Speaker 3: the way? Whoa what is that? I can't.
Speaker 1: Most men will like, I don't know, go do something else.
Speaker 1: I would think, like go jump in their car and
Speaker 1: drive off, or you know, I don't know, chop some wood,
Speaker 1: you clean wood?
Speaker 3: Sorry, I left my axe in my other apartment. What
Speaker 3: are you talking about?
Speaker 2: I know, but I related to you on that. But
Speaker 2: I actually know.
Speaker 1: When I see you start going into like you've got
Speaker 1: the scrubber and the soft scrub and you are like
Speaker 1: in the tub like scrubbing, I'm like.
Speaker 2: Oh he is, oh shit is just right now. He's
Speaker 2: working through it.
Speaker 4: He's working through it.
Speaker 3: That's how you He's got the index and the soft
Speaker 3: scrub out. You better this guy.
Speaker 1: Oh no, the.
Speaker 2: Vacuum cleaner's coming out.
Speaker 1: Oh no, But I know when you feel out of control,
Speaker 1: that's what you do.
Speaker 2: What about me? What do you see me doing? Spiral?
Speaker 3: You spiral when things aren't going. Oh my goodness, Grace's sweetheart.
Speaker 3: You say it, and this drives me, It doesn't dry me.
Speaker 3: It's fascinating to see. And I've done this to you
Speaker 3: a bunch of times. I have used your tutelage that
Speaker 3: you've given me to survive some of the worst moments
Speaker 3: of my life the past five years or so, I
Speaker 3: use them against you. I actually say, hey, sweetheart, you
Speaker 3: need to settle, you need to center. Nothing you can
Speaker 3: do about it. It's fine, It's gonna be okay, sweetheart.
Speaker 3: We still got the whole deck. Don't ruin. I have
Speaker 3: given you so many of those things, throwing them right
Speaker 3: back on your face, and I've seen you go you
Speaker 3: completely adjust. Just a little reminder, it's so hard to
Speaker 3: do it ourselves, to implement those things that we know
Speaker 3: are the right thing to do. And certainly in the moment,
Speaker 3: you have taught me that, and I have been working
Speaker 3: tirelessly for years on that thing.
Speaker 1: It's interesting you you have and it does work when
Speaker 1: I am reminded. I know what the right thing to
Speaker 1: do is or the right way to respond is. And
Speaker 1: sometimes I just if you just say, ropes, this is
Speaker 1: nothing like. This is a drop in the bucket, you know,
Speaker 1: and just a little bit of perspective and I and
Speaker 1: I can switch it back off and go. You know what,
Speaker 1: you're right When you're cleaning and you're in that headspace,
Speaker 1: I don't know what to say to you because I
Speaker 1: don't want to make it worse.
Speaker 3: You're supposed to say, come here, baby.
Speaker 2: Well I do always try to. You know, it's stopping.
Speaker 1: Right when you're when you're in your in your cleaning frenzy.
Speaker 1: I don't think so no, but no, But what would
Speaker 1: you want to hear in that moment?
Speaker 2: Nothing? Do you want space? I feel like you want
Speaker 2: space in those moments.
Speaker 3: I don't want space. You know what I absolutely don't want.
Speaker 3: And you know what's about to come out of my mouth.
Speaker 3: I don't want to have to educate someone on how
Speaker 3: to comfort me in a moment of frustration and pain.
Speaker 3: And that's very difficult to do. And I know that's
Speaker 3: on me, but.
Speaker 2: Everyone's different, so it's hard to know.
Speaker 3: But you know me better than anybody.
Speaker 2: I don't know the answer to that thought.
Speaker 3: Well that's the sweetheart. We we have a much bigger
Speaker 3: examination of this relationship to do. Wow, I'm just kidding,
Speaker 3: baby Jesus. Everybody got It's true.
Speaker 1: Though, because I said I help, you're like, I don't
Speaker 1: want to have to tell you how to help me.
Speaker 2: But I actually haven't figured that out yet.
Speaker 3: You haven't after all this time.
Speaker 1: And I think what I've what I think you because
Speaker 1: everyone's different, but I think you need a little space.
Speaker 2: I think you need a little.
Speaker 1: Space and I trust, like I'm trusting you that you've
Speaker 1: got this. If there's anything that I could do to help,
Speaker 1: I would, but I think it would just feel maybe
Speaker 1: even patronizing to you.
Speaker 3: That's on me as well, because I am somebody who
Speaker 3: sits in this this seat of well, if it's going
Speaker 3: to get done, I have to do it. I don't
Speaker 3: depend on anybody. That's a problem. I know this is me,
Speaker 3: but that is something I am not good at at all.
Speaker 3: Is expecting help.
Speaker 2: What about receiving help?
Speaker 3: Okay, fine, but I don't ever when I'm cleaning or whatever,
Speaker 3: and you're wondering how to help me. I don't have
Speaker 3: an expectation that I'm going to get help, that I'm
Speaker 3: going to get any lifeline to get out of what
Speaker 3: I am, of the place I'm in. I don't. I
Speaker 3: just and you know that, and that's not a good
Speaker 3: way to be. I know that as well. But I
Speaker 3: am that I do struggle, and that's why sometimes something
Speaker 3: goes on. It takes TJ. He needs forty eight hours
Speaker 3: to be okay, have gotten better at that. We got
Speaker 3: it down to maybe forty two hours.
Speaker 2: I thought it was like twenty four hours.
Speaker 3: Okay, we'll get better, even better. But yeah, I don't
Speaker 3: know how to get out of that. So back to
Speaker 3: we were talking, you're the wasting of the energy to
Speaker 3: try to control things. I would say you waste more
Speaker 3: energy than I do trying to control things.
Speaker 1: I might I would say that I waste more energy,
Speaker 1: maybe more explosive energy in the moment.
Speaker 2: You might waste more.
Speaker 3: Time explosive energy.
Speaker 1: Like I feel like it's more like all at once
Speaker 1: and then I'm over it. Like where I'm frustrated, you
Speaker 1: will like seethe.
Speaker 2: For like a while.
Speaker 3: I don't seethe, sweetheart, come on now. Seething is a
Speaker 3: strong quiet.
Speaker 1: Seething, a quiet seaton when you go when you withdraw, Okay,
Speaker 1: that is so, I won't call it seizing.
Speaker 3: I do that.
Speaker 1: But when you're out of control, or you feel like
Speaker 1: you can't control things that are happening that you're frustrated by,
Speaker 1: you withdraw, Okay, but you.
Speaker 3: Go full teddy swams and set the bed on fire
Speaker 3: and is short lived. No, yeah, but the bed is
Speaker 3: on fire? Is the thing like, ah, yeah, it's a
Speaker 3: it's a it's a four long fire. But I'm a
Speaker 3: dump some water in here. And if that's not how
Speaker 3: I roll yours is? It is explosive? Yes, you do,
Speaker 3: and I'm impressed you get over it. I really really quickly.
Speaker 2: Because I get it out.
Speaker 3: Yeah, in explosive ways, Andy, is what she's saying here.
Speaker 3: But can you please Andy, help us with this. You
Speaker 3: have several I think you have ten on this list
Speaker 3: of ways people? Can you explained what the list is? Again,
Speaker 3: we've been talking here so long I forgot what it was.
Speaker 4: This list comes from Bold. It's a list of what
Speaker 4: you're wasting your energy on and uh, not being able
Speaker 4: to control these things.
Speaker 3: We just weighs a lot of energy even talking about.
Speaker 1: Well, I'm hoping that people listening can relate either to
Speaker 1: me or to you. But because I do think we
Speaker 1: all have failures when it comes to this.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, I'm terrible with all these things. There's ten
Speaker 4: of them, and I'm bad at all ten. So number
Speaker 4: one is holding onto your past mistakes.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's actually been a really tough thing for me,
Speaker 1: and I've been really working hard on forgiving myself and
Speaker 1: letting it go and just learning from them.
Speaker 3: Uh, that's a tough one for me. I don't think,
Speaker 3: and again I ask for your help on this. I
Speaker 3: don't think I hold on to past mistakes a lot.
Speaker 3: I have to get passed and move Really, it's a
Speaker 3: again the training, I to call it training, but you
Speaker 3: know what I mean. I'm just kind of been working
Speaker 3: on getting better at a bunch of things. But the
Speaker 3: idea that I'm holding myself like, I'm always feeling as
Speaker 3: if I'm a you know, too often I've listened to
Speaker 3: others about who I am. I listen to other people
Speaker 3: define me, and I'm thinking, well, maybe I am that,
Speaker 3: Maybe I am, and nobody knows me better than me.
Speaker 3: So why am I listening to anybody else or that
Speaker 3: idea of holding on to something in my past. I
Speaker 3: screwed up. I screwed up a bunch and I know that,
Speaker 3: but I try. I don't think I do a terrible
Speaker 3: job and hold on to a lot of that stuff.
Speaker 2: I don't think as a mother, I do.
Speaker 1: I get a lot of guilt in my head about
Speaker 1: how I could have done better, and I'm working on
Speaker 1: not feeling guilty about past mistakes.
Speaker 3: Okay, you have two wonderful kids. One of them is
Speaker 3: about to graduate from NYU. The other one was studying
Speaker 3: abroad in Spain before she goes to Boulder with great grades.
Speaker 3: So I don't, Yeah, you need to work on your mother.
Speaker 3: What's the number two?
Speaker 4: Number two is saying yes to everyone but yourself.
Speaker 1: I've gotten way better at this, but I have been
Speaker 1: terrible at that for a long time.
Speaker 3: I've been good at this forever. I mean, I just
Speaker 3: there is no that's you know, that's one of my things.
Speaker 2: I just no, You've always been good at saying no.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I just I have no problem. I don't owe
Speaker 3: anybody anything. I am forty seven years old.
Speaker 2: Now have you always been like that?
Speaker 3: I think I might have what's the thing in Your
Speaker 3: success in life is based on what In your twenties,
Speaker 3: your success is based on things you say yes yes too.
Speaker 3: And then in your thirties and forties, your success is
Speaker 3: based on things you say no to. And I have
Speaker 3: been very comfortable in that space for a long time,
Speaker 3: not even stressed. Don't have an expectator like I don't
Speaker 3: oh you anything. You have to say no. If we didn't,
Speaker 3: so heart, we would be even more exhausted than we are.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's true, all right.
Speaker 4: Number three is dwelling on the what ifs.
Speaker 1: So yes, this has been a lot of work on
Speaker 1: my and I always look back and say, don't say
Speaker 1: what if, and don't say if only, and don't say
Speaker 1: should have, could have, would have. Those are all very
Speaker 1: damaging things to say to yourself because you can't undo
Speaker 1: what happened. You can't change what happened. And maybe all
Speaker 1: of those things happened because you needed.
Speaker 2: To learn something.
Speaker 1: So that's where I always go in my head. If
Speaker 1: I start saying what if, if only, I say, wait
Speaker 1: a minute, what did I learn? And that is my
Speaker 1: way out of that crazy headspace.
Speaker 3: My only two things I've said, what if about I'm
Speaker 3: not a regret guy, but two regrets or two what
Speaker 3: ifs that I struggle with one? What if I continued
Speaker 3: playing football? That sounds crazy, but in junior high I
Speaker 3: was a better football player than a basketball player. But
Speaker 3: I was able to go on in basketball and get
Speaker 3: some scholarship offers and even dabbled in basketball at the
Speaker 3: University of Arkansas. I was a pretty good basketball player.
Speaker 3: I always wondered, what if I stuck with football? What
Speaker 3: if I but I broke my ankle and you know me,
Speaker 3: I'm out. That's the wrap. Ninth grade broke my ankle,
Speaker 3: true story, broke my ankle done, I'm over, no more football.
Speaker 3: The other thing, you know, sweetheart? The what if? There
Speaker 3: is one? What if? That? Still maybe once a week
Speaker 3: comes to mind. Wow, what if I had announced to
Speaker 3: the public in August of twenty twenty two that I
Speaker 3: was getting a divorce. What if I went ahead and
Speaker 3: told everybody in August of twenty twenty two that I
Speaker 3: was no longer in a relationship, in a marriage, just
Speaker 3: put that out there, and then in August of twenty two,
Speaker 3: I didn't know I was gonna end up in a
Speaker 3: relationship with you, so then months later I did, and
Speaker 3: people would have found out. It wouldn't have been startling.
Speaker 3: It would have been something that the tabloids could try
Speaker 3: to exploit and take advantage of. It wasn't have been
Speaker 3: an issue where the people who then you know, did
Speaker 3: intentionally put that out to make it sound bad. They
Speaker 3: wouldn't have had that option. So I that is my
Speaker 3: one if that. I still struggle with, what if? Where?
Speaker 3: How life would have been different if I'd have put
Speaker 3: it out that I was divorced and this never wouldn't
Speaker 3: have been something that a tabloid and the people who
Speaker 3: told the tabloid were able to exploit. That is when
Speaker 3: I still struggle with.
Speaker 1: I get that, and I think the lesson learned from
Speaker 1: that that I have learned and you have learned the
Speaker 1: hard way is transparency is key to communication and to understanding.
Speaker 1: And you can get into a mindset of thinking that
Speaker 1: you don't owe anybody anything, but that's where confusion takes place.
Speaker 2: And if you don't speak, some one's going to speak
Speaker 2: for you.
Speaker 1: And so those are lessons that I think we both
Speaker 1: learned during that time. So what if is good in
Speaker 1: a reflective way if you can learn how to act
Speaker 1: differently in the future.
Speaker 3: So, folks, we are giving you ways to try to
Speaker 3: stop wasting your energy to control certain things in your life.
Speaker 3: We will continue with that list in just a moment,
Speaker 3: but before we go, give us a little tease here, Andy,
Speaker 3: what's coming up on this list. We've only gone through three.
Speaker 3: We have several more to go, So going into the break, here,
Speaker 3: give us a little tease of what we can expect.
Speaker 4: Oh, next break, you're going to hear about the fear
Speaker 4: of failing, maybe overthinking a couple of decisions, and the
Speaker 4: fear of judgment.
Speaker 3: All right, there you have it, folks, will be right back.
Speaker 2: Welcome back everyone.
Speaker 1: We are talking about something that I believe all of
Speaker 1: us can relate to, trying to control things that we
Speaker 1: cannot actually control, and wasting so much energy, so much emotion,
Speaker 1: so much time on things that we actually can't change.
Speaker 1: So we are working our way down a list which
Speaker 1: is fantastic in terms of finding ways to do better
Speaker 1: and to be better.
Speaker 2: Andy, where are we were at number four?
Speaker 3: Number four?
Speaker 4: And one thing to stop wasting your energy on is
Speaker 4: the fear of failing.
Speaker 1: Oh, I so so agree with this. I actually haven't
Speaker 1: had this problem. I have failed many many times. And
Speaker 1: I whether it's running a marathon or climbing a mountain
Speaker 1: and not getting to the top, or going out and saying, hey,
Speaker 1: I want to be this in life and just setting
Speaker 1: expectations for myself that might be far and above what's possible,
Speaker 1: but knowing that if I don't set them there, I
Speaker 1: won't get anywhere near. So I have failed so many
Speaker 1: times in my life, starting falling off of off the
Speaker 1: beam when I was a gymnast and getting back on
Speaker 1: it and doing it anyway.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's when you learn, that's when you grow. Failure
Speaker 2: is a huge part of success for me.
Speaker 3: I actually kind of remember whose quote this was, but
Speaker 3: this is one I have. I picked this up very
Speaker 3: early in life. But the idea is most people fail
Speaker 3: because they didn't realize how close they were to success
Speaker 3: when they decided to quit. And so that's it doesn't
Speaker 3: matter if it's not going well. If it's not going
Speaker 3: tomorrow might be the day. Right, six people turned us
Speaker 3: down for this. Tomorrow is going to be the seventh.
Speaker 3: We have a meeting, and that's going to be the one.
Speaker 3: So that this is one you have to You cannot
Speaker 3: be afraid to fail. If you do, what's the point.
Speaker 3: What's the point of just being a valedictorian and following rules?
Speaker 3: And I use that example. There are studies out there
Speaker 3: that show valedictorians do fine in life, but they don't
Speaker 3: break any rules, they don't do anything different. They can
Speaker 3: handle a task. But the wildly successful people are the
Speaker 3: ones willing to take a risk, willing to fail, willing
Speaker 3: to take all these chances. And so that's not one
Speaker 3: I necessarily think I struggle with.
Speaker 2: Yeah, same, I struggled with a lot of other.
Speaker 1: Things though, as you've made clear, and I failed a
Speaker 1: lot and I'm still here all right.
Speaker 4: Number five is clinging to your comfort zones.
Speaker 3: Hm hm, oh you know what this I am thinking
Speaker 3: career here, right, we were in jobs that we would
Speaker 3: never have left in all likelihood because it was what
Speaker 3: very comfortable, comfortable, It was safe, dare I say even
Speaker 3: it was it was easy to a certain degree relatively speaking.
Speaker 3: We knew how to do that thing and we were
Speaker 3: very comfortable where we were. So that's a that's a
Speaker 3: tough one. You cling to a comfort zone. I think
Speaker 3: in relationships oftentimes.
Speaker 2: I was going to say the same thing and cling too.
Speaker 3: Well, this is okay, and this is going to be
Speaker 3: messy if I go anything else, and the kids are
Speaker 3: going to be I think we have a tendency to
Speaker 3: do that.
Speaker 1: So it's funny because I used to say this and
Speaker 1: then I guess I've lived it. I never want to
Speaker 1: be wait, I never I never want to get comfortable.
Speaker 1: I always want to relish being uncomfortable because that means
Speaker 1: I'm pushing myself into something that either I think I
Speaker 1: can't do or I shouldn't do. But it's pushing me
Speaker 1: into growth. And so I never wanted to get comfortable.
Speaker 1: I always said that, and it I actually get scared.
Speaker 2: When I get comfortable. I actually get nervous when.
Speaker 1: I get comfortable. Relationship, No, I'm not comfortable yet.
Speaker 3: Good. I want to keep you on your tails growing.
Speaker 1: I'm not comfortable, and I think that it's that offers
Speaker 1: you a daily challenge to do better, to be better,
Speaker 1: and to see where I can take you.
Speaker 2: But yeah, you disagree.
Speaker 3: We'll discuss it later, Okay, Well.
Speaker 2: Yeah, no, I actually I actually.
Speaker 1: Think that that I maybe even enjoy being uncomfortable, and
Speaker 1: it might explain a lot of my life to people
Speaker 1: who are confused by it.
Speaker 3: But that's a good way to be and a lot
Speaker 3: of people, and I think it's okay. Some aren't. I'm
Speaker 3: not built that way, I say. I. I mean some
Speaker 3: people can say that about themselves. They're not built in
Speaker 3: such a way that they can be uncomfortable to take
Speaker 3: a chance. And people have reasons to say no, I
Speaker 3: need to keep this very steady job with this these benefits.
Speaker 3: And I think that's okay. These people are different in
Speaker 3: that way. There are that's that's those a chance and
Speaker 3: that's a risk, and this I understand people being risk averrs.
Speaker 2: Oh I do too.
Speaker 1: I just yes, and I think that in some ways
Speaker 1: being willing to yes, run a marathon, train for a marathon,
Speaker 1: have all these uncomfortable things happened.
Speaker 2: To you, and doing it anyway and maybe even.
Speaker 1: Having a hard time explaining to other people why you
Speaker 1: still do it.
Speaker 2: But I was born that way. I definitely was.
Speaker 4: Do you think there's a point that you could push
Speaker 4: yourself too far?
Speaker 3: Though I haven't found it yet, but that answer has
Speaker 3: to be yes. Yeah. I think we've gotten close to it,
Speaker 3: and we discussed it a lot because I've I think
Speaker 3: what we said in a previous podcast. I said to
Speaker 3: you in the bedroom not longer. I remember where I
Speaker 3: was as a sweetheart. I am going to drop dead
Speaker 3: because it's too much going on. I'm not sleeping enough.
Speaker 3: I've just worn the hell out. So I think, yeah,
Speaker 3: you can push yourself too much, you can go too far.
Speaker 3: You can I am finally for the first time in
Speaker 3: my life. We talked about this with the marathon. For
Speaker 3: the first time in my life. My body is not
Speaker 3: letting me physically do something with his achilles and now
Speaker 3: a footprint. I got all kinds of issues. What's that
Speaker 3: from trying to run? Trying to run two marathons on
Speaker 3: a bum achilles. I planned that I could have skipped
Speaker 3: one of them. At least that's too much. We get
Speaker 3: up at a two three in the morning and going
Speaker 3: all day hard. That's too much.
Speaker 2: I think. When it's too much, your body tells you.
Speaker 1: And I've certainly had enough things happen physically to me
Speaker 1: where I have had to acknowledge that I was pushing
Speaker 1: myself too hard. But for me, it does take something
Speaker 1: busy typically to make me stop or or rethink how
Speaker 1: I'm approaching things, from crippling migrain headaches to having had
Speaker 1: to have heart surgery to having breast answer. I mean,
Speaker 1: I have definitely had some physical wake up calls where
Speaker 1: I know I've pushed myself too far and I have
Speaker 1: to reassess and take.
Speaker 2: Care of myself.
Speaker 1: But it hasn't stopped me being willing to be uncomfortable.
Speaker 1: It's just it's it's put the brakes on certain ways
Speaker 1: of living, and a lot.
Speaker 2: Of it has been about balance. So balance is important,
Speaker 2: and I think for me, I've had to learn it
Speaker 2: the hard way.
Speaker 3: What are we up to know?
Speaker 4: We're on number six and number six is comparing yourself
Speaker 4: to others.
Speaker 3: Ooh, that is what anybody on Instagram you need to
Speaker 3: listen to that one.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've gotten way better at that.
Speaker 3: Oh my goodness, gracious, that's a tough one.
Speaker 2: Younger. When I was younger, it was.
Speaker 1: It was crippling, absolutely and thank god I didn't have
Speaker 1: social media, but the young when I was younger, oh,
Speaker 1: that was probably one of the most difficult things to
Speaker 1: not do. It's just I think it's a natural thing
Speaker 1: to do. And I don't know if women are more
Speaker 1: likely to do it than men. I can't speak for men,
Speaker 1: but I know that that's something that I've talked about
Speaker 1: with my daughters, and I've been really proud of them
Speaker 1: for being unique individuals. I think that's something to be celebrated,
Speaker 1: and I think people talk about it more now.
Speaker 2: But yeah, social media, that's.
Speaker 1: A really really tough place to be if you have
Speaker 1: a problem, or you know that's one of your issues,
Speaker 1: that you're just constantly comparing yourself to other people.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's it. I don't. That's not something I do
Speaker 3: a lot of. But the one way I do do
Speaker 3: it is oftentimes, throughout my career, I'm twenty five and
Speaker 3: I look at another twenty five year old, I'm like, oh,
Speaker 3: they're there. Wow? Am I not there yet? I'm thirty
Speaker 3: and they're thirty. I'm like, oh, wow, they have that
Speaker 3: much success. Why haven't I? And at every stage of
Speaker 3: my life, I usually compare myself to Kobe Bryant because
Speaker 3: Coby and I.
Speaker 2: A so you were just in a constant state of depression.
Speaker 3: No, no, no, uh. You know what I'm saying is that
Speaker 3: that kid. I watched him and you probably don't remember
Speaker 3: this because but his first couple of game like playoff games,
Speaker 3: he was seventeen eighteen years old. He and I were
Speaker 3: about the same age, and he shot air balls. It
Speaker 3: was embarrassing right in this game, but he kept shooting,
Speaker 3: He kept shooting. And I'm looking at this guy, this
Speaker 3: kid on this stage about the same age. You know,
Speaker 3: who else is I compare myself to Usher? Now I
Speaker 3: know this sounds crazy, wow, but because these guys are
Speaker 3: about the same age and this is the time, I'm
Speaker 3: still in high school, I'm nothing, I'm not even starting
Speaker 3: my career. But I'm looking at these guys as contemporaries
Speaker 3: in some way to where wow, they have that level
Speaker 3: of success at that age. They are doing this on
Speaker 3: the world stage and being cheered at that age, What
Speaker 3: am I doing? What can I be doing? Where should
Speaker 3: I be going? And it was a motivating thing. I
Speaker 3: know that sounds insane, but those two guys who I
Speaker 3: later got to be around, got to spend time with,
Speaker 3: got to interview. Those were guys I looked at and
Speaker 3: always tried to compare time lines too, because we were
Speaker 3: all seventeen eighteen at the same time. That is where
Speaker 3: that question of comparison and other people's success has been
Speaker 3: a part. And it took until I was probably thirty
Speaker 3: or so to realize, oh wait, And I started to
Speaker 3: see people who were twenty two when I was comparing
Speaker 3: myself with it. Now I'm way ahead of at thirty,
Speaker 3: and even farther ahead of when I'm thirty five and
Speaker 3: blowing them out of the water at four. Right, So
Speaker 3: that took a while to actually come around to. So
Speaker 3: I get what you're saying. You're being funny, that like
Speaker 3: being priced, you're comparing yourself.
Speaker 2: But no, it was motivating.
Speaker 3: It was I always looked at those guys because we
Speaker 3: were the same age.
Speaker 2: You weren't jealous, you were motivated.
Speaker 3: I was, and so I was comparing myself to them.
Speaker 3: So maybe that was Maybe those guys are responsible for
Speaker 3: me working and busting my butt as well as I
Speaker 3: did to get to a place of pretty good success.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and do you think it's harder for younger people?
Speaker 4: Having daughters yourself who were younger, do you think it's
Speaker 4: harder nowadays to not compare yourself to others?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 2: Yes, for sure.
Speaker 1: I didn't have visuals of other people, my friends or
Speaker 1: people who I'm a contemporary with. And of course everyone
Speaker 1: usually just puts out the best and the brightest pictures
Speaker 1: and images on Instagram, so you're having a false impression
Speaker 1: of what their life is like, and then you're comparing
Speaker 1: it to whatever you're going through.
Speaker 2: Oh, it's it's almost inescapable.
Speaker 1: And I think you have to acknowledge it and say,
Speaker 1: I am going to choose not to do this because
Speaker 1: it's it's a human experience. I think to do that
Speaker 1: and then to have it constantly at your fingertips on
Speaker 1: your phone is it could be absolutely detrimental.
Speaker 3: And obviously those people on Instagram, they took what twenty
Speaker 3: takes and how many filters it takes them two hours
Speaker 3: to put out one picture that you think is just natural. Yeah,
Speaker 3: it's just it's a farce. Yeah, it's an absolute farce. Okay.
Speaker 4: So number seven is overthinking every decision.
Speaker 1: I don't do that, and probably should. I should probably
Speaker 1: overthink it more or overthink it beforehand. But I am
Speaker 1: a I'm somebody who definitely makes quick decisions and then
Speaker 1: I I think I'm okay with accepting the consequences.
Speaker 3: You know me the opposite, I think, think, think, think, overthink,
Speaker 3: and then I am so once the decision is made,
Speaker 3: I'm good.
Speaker 4: Yeah, on the opposite, but I will overthink.
Speaker 3: After the decision is done, then I will I have
Speaker 3: no I feel so confident in the decision. Once the
Speaker 3: decision is made, I.
Speaker 4: Both hate and love this next one.
Speaker 3: Number hate And it sounded like he was judging our life. No,
Speaker 3: feel right? Right?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 3: I feel right.
Speaker 4: I'm more of an amy definitely not in the situation.
Speaker 4: I'm like, that's what that was way to put it.
Speaker 1: He drives me crazy with how much time it takes
Speaker 1: him to make a decision sometimes, but he does I do.
Speaker 2: I will say I have seen the value in it.
Speaker 3: Well, babe, is it time or is it?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 3: Wow, dude, are you really going that deep? Because I
Speaker 3: can make a decision in ten minutes, but I will
Speaker 3: take it down and deep and like, do why are
Speaker 3: we even you?
Speaker 2: It's time for me?
Speaker 4: I'm impatient ten minutes or too much?
Speaker 1: Oh No, I'm talking about like deciding where we're gonna go,
Speaker 1: like for vacations, and it can take weeks or an airbnb.
Speaker 2: Take weeks, it can take days. I can make a
Speaker 2: decision in minutes.
Speaker 3: Okay, wait a minute. You just say you went from
Speaker 3: weeks today. Do you see what I'm talking about.
Speaker 2: Well, it depends on the time what we're doing. No,
Speaker 2: I mean it has taken weeks.
Speaker 3: You can take it. You can make a decision in what.
Speaker 1: Minutes and I might regret it about where I'm going.
Speaker 1: I could book a plane, I could book a hotel room.
Speaker 1: I could book a vacation in under ten minutes and
Speaker 1: feel good about it.
Speaker 3: And then once we get here or there and the steps,
Speaker 3: you're like, oh god, I didn't realize we're not sitting
Speaker 3: together on this flight. Oh my god, I cannot believe
Speaker 3: the hotel is in this neighborhood. Oh my god, we
Speaker 3: have to fly into where. That's what happens. That doesn't
Speaker 3: happen with my planning. Okay, your silence speaks volumes.
Speaker 2: I'm I stand.
Speaker 1: I've loved all of my vacations.
Speaker 4: You number eight is waiting for someone else to change.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I suck at that still waiting.
Speaker 2: Oh well, so.
Speaker 1: That is absolutely wasted energy, because yes, you do that.
Speaker 1: I have done it in the past, and it doesn't
Speaker 1: ever ever change anything. So it's only men through years
Speaker 1: of experience where I have I definitely feel good about
Speaker 1: where I am with a Now, you either accept people
Speaker 1: as they are or you don't. But if you are
Speaker 1: waiting for them to change, you are wasting your time.
Speaker 2: Out of doubt, I.
Speaker 3: Would say never that's not something I do waiting for
Speaker 3: somebody to change or needing them or asking them to change.
Speaker 3: Even people are who they are. Certainly at the ages
Speaker 3: we are that you're not gonna change a whole lot.
Speaker 1: But a lot of people stay in relationships hoping that
Speaker 1: the other person's going to come around, hoping the other
Speaker 1: person is going to amend or change or whatever, and
Speaker 1: that does happen. Or even a job. You know you're
Speaker 1: waiting for something to change or to get better. But
Speaker 1: the reality is you either accept it or you move on,
Speaker 1: and that those are really your only two choices. And
Speaker 1: once you kind of get to that place in your head,
Speaker 1: it's freeing because now you're free to make the choice
Speaker 1: you want to make instead of waiting for someone else.
Speaker 3: All right, we're up to what not number nine nine?
Speaker 3: All right?
Speaker 4: The fear of judgment.
Speaker 1: Absolutely, I can say that I struggle with that. So
Speaker 1: you you might not.
Speaker 2: Put it all out there. You hide you're crazy a
Speaker 2: little bit.
Speaker 1: You might not share everything you're thinking or feeling because
Speaker 1: you're afraid if you do say it, someone will think
Speaker 1: differently of you.
Speaker 2: One hundred percent.
Speaker 3: No, are you talking in general or in relationships about general?
Speaker 1: In general in relationships, I think if you really want
Speaker 1: to have a true, honest, good relationship, you have to
Speaker 1: be honest. You have to people even if you know
Speaker 1: it might elicit judgment.
Speaker 2: Then that's good. Then you know that, then you know
Speaker 2: it's not gonna work.
Speaker 1: Then if I say I think this about that, and
Speaker 1: that's going to have such a big response.
Speaker 2: That you amend what you think, amend what you.
Speaker 1: Feel, that's a to me, that's a red flag that
Speaker 1: you're not with the right person.
Speaker 3: You know. I go back to divorce and that I was.
Speaker 3: I was so worried about judgment that I didn't even
Speaker 3: tell my mom I was getting divorced. You know that.
Speaker 3: I didn't even tell my mom about it. In August
Speaker 3: of twenty two. I didn't even tell her. So the
Speaker 3: fear of judgment, it just you hate and we've dealt with.
Speaker 3: I don't know why I'm thinking of Jenna Kramer right
Speaker 3: now when she's a fourth marriage, is it?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: Four divorces.
Speaker 2: I don't remember, but there's a four.
Speaker 3: There's a fourth.
Speaker 2: I mean again, and I'm a zero judgment here.
Speaker 3: I say that to make a point that even though
Speaker 3: she's been very open and talking about her relationships and
Speaker 3: her relationship history. Even when she was talking about it
Speaker 3: to us, she had a little caveat to wear. Well,
Speaker 3: let me explain, there was still something in her that
Speaker 3: was worried about in talking to us.
Speaker 1: Judgment, Right, the first two marriages didn't really count because
Speaker 1: they were only this amount of time.
Speaker 3: And I don't know why that that thought or that
Speaker 3: scenario or that story just came to mind. But that
Speaker 3: type of thing to where at that time with me, like,
Speaker 3: I don't want I mean, it's is it embarrassing? I
Speaker 3: don't know if that's the right word, but you hate
Speaker 3: to have somebody say this, I don't want to d
Speaker 3: on my resume? Right, So I got two d's right
Speaker 3: when I rette two divorces on my resume, And nobody
Speaker 3: likes or wants that. But it's that that is one
Speaker 3: I have struggled with. I don't you fear of judgment
Speaker 3: for the way your life has played out, because in
Speaker 3: somebody else's in the wider society's mind, it shouldn't be
Speaker 3: that way. You should have done this, you should have
Speaker 3: done that, You should have tried harder, you should have
Speaker 3: stuck together. That thing gets me.
Speaker 1: Oh, I mean yes, and I have been the subject
Speaker 1: of judgment for a lot of my life, and I
Speaker 1: think I'm now at a place where I feel good
Speaker 1: about owning what I've done. I might err on the
Speaker 1: side of defending myself a little bit too much, but
Speaker 1: I think I've gotten better at that, because the more
Speaker 1: you try and defend yourself, the more unsure it seems
Speaker 1: you are about your choices. And I just think at
Speaker 1: the end of the day, I fall back on this,
Speaker 1: I'd rather like I think we all know in our chest,
Speaker 1: in our hearts, what the right thing to do is
Speaker 1: what's right for us, and if we don't follow that
Speaker 1: because we're afraid of being judged.
Speaker 2: That's the mistakes I've made.
Speaker 1: The big mistakes I've made in my life have been
Speaker 1: because I've been more concerned about what someone else is
Speaker 1: going to think or say versus what I know is
Speaker 1: right for me.
Speaker 3: You know this sounds you say that the decisions we've made.
Speaker 3: My first marriage happened not long after my granddad, God
Speaker 3: rest his soul. He came into the apartment where we
Speaker 3: were living at the time, and he said, man, you
Speaker 3: gotta do the right thing. Can't just be shacking up.
Speaker 3: He actually said to me made a statement that you
Speaker 3: should be married if you're going to be living together. Now,
Speaker 3: that's for my granddad. Who a guy who I that
Speaker 3: makes time in my life. He's one of the three
Speaker 3: dudes I have respected most, and he's saying that to me.
Speaker 3: So the fear of judgment comes from family, It comes
Speaker 3: from friends, it comes from society. It comes from Instagram,
Speaker 3: it comes from viewers, it comes from listeners. It comes
Speaker 3: from all these places. And I know I shouldn't have
Speaker 3: gotten married first time, maybe shouldn't have gotten married the
Speaker 3: second time, but those are all part of my experience.
Speaker 3: And now I'm sitting here twice divorced and still worried
Speaker 3: about how that looks to someone outside of me and
Speaker 3: my family or people who know and understand me. So
Speaker 3: that out of everything on this list, that might be
Speaker 3: the one that stings most. We got ten here. Give
Speaker 3: it to him again, Andy, What what are the ten
Speaker 3: things that want?
Speaker 2: Number nine?
Speaker 1: Ten? No?
Speaker 3: It was it was you can see I was having
Speaker 3: a moment, man, that was that was heavy. I was
Speaker 3: tray to wrap this thing up.
Speaker 4: No, No, I have one more to torch you.
Speaker 3: So sorry.
Speaker 4: Number ten is needing approval from everyone.
Speaker 3: Okay, wet it strong. Oh no, no, no, no. We
Speaker 3: talk about judgment, but then approval is something different. Right,
Speaker 3: worried about what somebody thinks about me versus needing somebody's
Speaker 3: acceptance of me. They seem like the same thing. But
Speaker 3: you see me operate in this way that I am
Speaker 3: in one on one and Okay, I don't I don't care.
Speaker 3: I am not putting on in front of people in
Speaker 3: a personal way to try to get them to think
Speaker 3: this of me or to accept me.
Speaker 2: You're very good at that. I am not. I do
Speaker 2: seek approval from everyone. I do.
Speaker 1: I want it. I'm people to like me. I want
Speaker 1: people to understand. No, no, they do not do. I
Speaker 1: want people to Yeah, I want approval. I want people.
Speaker 2: I like an atta boy, and I work hard for it,
Speaker 2: and I have two extremes. Actually with my job, I've.
Speaker 1: I've absolutely continued to say yes when I should have
Speaker 1: said no because I was seeking approval.
Speaker 2: And I've found my worth in.
Speaker 1: External forces. I've found my worth and what people thought
Speaker 1: of me. I've found my worth. And if people thought
Speaker 1: I was a hard enough worker, or a smart enough journalist,
Speaker 1: or a you know, just a all of those things.
Speaker 1: So yes, I still deal with that. I have not
Speaker 1: I have not overcome that. I don't know that I
Speaker 1: ever will. I'm aware of it. I'm aware of it,
Speaker 1: and I know that I seek approval and I I do,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, every day. I seek it from you.
Speaker 1: I seek it from my daughters. I seek it from
Speaker 1: my parents. Yeah, I do. Just my choice is or
Speaker 1: how I operate or you know, I want you to
Speaker 1: approve of how I operate.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a good way to put it, I guess,
Speaker 2: And it's not healthy.
Speaker 1: I should just be happy and secure in the knowledge
Speaker 1: that I'm doing the best I can.
Speaker 2: But I'm not there.
Speaker 3: Wow, And you know this is not I mean, I
Speaker 3: didn't think about that. I didn't know what was on
Speaker 3: the list. I think race comes into that for me,
Speaker 3: at least, I am. I am so used to not
Speaker 3: having society's approval. I am so used to There's nothing
Speaker 3: I can do to make somebody think differently of me
Speaker 3: based on what they think about a black man. I
Speaker 3: am not going to make you feel better, feel safer,
Speaker 3: more secure. I'm not going to make you think I'm smarter.
Speaker 3: I'm not going to thank you. I'm not going to anything.
Speaker 3: So I never waste energy in that respect, even working
Speaker 3: in the industry where I am so used to getting
Speaker 3: I think you've heard it before, right, it was so
Speaker 3: offensive to me. Oh, TJ is he's so funny, he's
Speaker 3: so quick, he's so this or that. There was always
Speaker 3: a reason to explain why TJ was excelling on television
Speaker 3: other than he's smart. He actually works harder than me.
Speaker 3: He actually studied harder than me. Right, None of that
Speaker 3: stuff came into play. So when it comes to acceptance,
Speaker 3: I was actually comfortable in the idea I am never
Speaker 3: going to win approval from these people ever, so I
Speaker 3: stopped trying. I'm not even sure you know what it was.
Speaker 3: It was a CNN. I wasted several years at CNN
Speaker 3: trying to be wolf Blitzer because I thought, oh, I
Speaker 3: need to sound this way, I need to look this,
Speaker 3: I need to be something other than me to excel.
Speaker 3: So I have never, for quite some time, at least
Speaker 3: I can remember, tried to get anybody's approval or acceptance,
Speaker 3: because what you think of me is what is going
Speaker 3: to be, and that does factor in. I never thought
Speaker 3: about it, and didn't know this was going to come up,
Speaker 3: but I never thought about it in that way until
Speaker 3: I guess kind of this question brings it up. Approval. Mmm,
Speaker 3: nothing I can do about what some people think of me,
Speaker 3: and I'm not gonna try.
Speaker 1: That's a healthy way to be. And it's I don't know,
Speaker 1: Maybe it's kind of funny you mentioned race. I hadn't
Speaker 1: thought about it like that. Yeah, And I think maybe
Speaker 1: the reverse maybe is true for me, where the expectations
Speaker 1: were this and so I needed to meet them. I
Speaker 1: needed to match them. I needed to prove that I
Speaker 1: was what they thought. And so for whatever reason, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I still struggle with that.
Speaker 3: Damn man, is there an eleven? This one got heavy?
Speaker 1: But you know what, the cool thing about this list
Speaker 1: is all ten of those things are you know, we
Speaker 1: do a version of them, some more than others. But
Speaker 1: they all take away from our energy and from our
Speaker 1: time and from our healthy mental spaces, and so it's
Speaker 1: important to hear them, recognize them, and then try to
Speaker 1: I think acknowledging them is the most important thing. Right,
Speaker 1: I learned something about myself just hearing you go through
Speaker 1: that list and recognizing it is a huge part of it.
Speaker 1: And then just when you when you feel yourself going
Speaker 1: there or doing that or starting to waste your energy.
Speaker 2: You can say, wait, wait, wait, this is.
Speaker 1: I'll use it again a fool's Errand I'm not going
Speaker 1: to change anything. I'm not going to change anyone's mind.
Speaker 1: All I can do is accept who I am and
Speaker 1: do better.
Speaker 3: Give it to the listeners one more time and it
Speaker 3: what's the list here of things they can stop wasting
Speaker 3: your energy? Folks doing these things?
Speaker 4: What is it holding onto your past mistakes, saying yes
Speaker 4: to everyone but yourself, dwelling on what ifs, the fear
Speaker 4: of failing, clinging to comfort zones, comparing yourself to others,
Speaker 4: overthinking every decision, waiting for someone else to change, the
Speaker 4: fear of judgment. And number ten is needing approval from everyone.
Speaker 2: Wow, those are good.
Speaker 1: Those are good because those are all energy vampires that
Speaker 1: I have absolutely succumb to multiple times.
Speaker 2: Probably still gonna do it. I'm gonna try not to.
Speaker 3: Folks. Hope you got something that was something you said
Speaker 3: earlier and it reminded me of the serenity prayer. I
Speaker 3: think we used it not too long ago versus something
Speaker 3: you know. I think it was Jamie Lee.
Speaker 2: Curtis after the election.
Speaker 3: I'm talking about leaving Twitter, right, she was so she
Speaker 3: used the serenity prayer. But there's a there's another it's
Speaker 3: a longer prayer, and there's a part something you said
Speaker 3: that made me think of it. But folks don't remember
Speaker 3: the next line. Can you can anybody recite the first
Speaker 3: part of the serendiy prayer, Lord, grant me the serenity
Speaker 3: to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
Speaker 3: change the things I can, and the wisdom to know
Speaker 3: the difference.
Speaker 2: Wow, that was very if not verbatim, very close.
Speaker 3: That's the one. But the next line of that serendy
Speaker 3: prayer is living one day at a time, enjoying one
Speaker 3: moment at a time, and accepting hardships as the pathway
Speaker 3: to peace, which I think always is the doper part
Speaker 3: of the serenity prayer, but nobody recites.
Speaker 2: Well, thank you for that.
Speaker 1: We can take that with us and we appreciate you
Speaker 1: and your words of wisdom, and thank you Andy for
Speaker 1: helping us try to do better with our energy and
Speaker 1: our mental health, because that is what it's all about
Speaker 1: at the end of the day. This is about us
Speaker 1: taking care of ourselves and recognizing the moments when we
Speaker 1: can do better. And really, when you help yourself, you
Speaker 1: help everyone around you.
Speaker 2: So I love this and we.
Speaker 3: Want to say thanks to our other You have been
Speaker 3: hearing from our super producer Andy in the room, but
Speaker 3: our other super produce of Cilia. You haven't heard her
Speaker 3: voice during this podcast, but she has helped so much
Speaker 3: just with her facial expressions. She's letting us know if
Speaker 3: we're on the right path or hey, guys, you need
Speaker 3: to cut this one short. So she's been great in
Speaker 3: the room as well. We just want to acknowledge.
Speaker 1: All right, everybody, have a wonderful day. I hope this
Speaker 1: helps with your.
Speaker 2: Peace and your harmony in your life.
Speaker 1: You can find us on our official Instagram page at
Speaker 1: Amy and TJ Podcast.
Speaker 2: Have a wonderful day, everyone,