WEBVTT - Do You Have Any Regrets? 0:00:01.480 --> 0:00:05.240 Welcome everyone to this episode of Amy MTJ. And we 0:00:05.280 --> 0:00:08.840 are talking about something on this episode that I think 0:00:08.880 --> 0:00:11.440 a lot of you listeners will relate to, and it's 0:00:11.480 --> 0:00:15.480 certainly something I have struggled with for most of my life, 0:00:15.560 --> 0:00:19.919 but I'm hopefully getting better, and that is about learning 0:00:20.760 --> 0:00:25.400 how to let go of control. We're always all of 0:00:25.440 --> 0:00:28.040 us in our minds trying to control every little part 0:00:28.080 --> 0:00:30.240 of our day that we actually have. 0:00:30.280 --> 0:00:30.960 No control over. 0:00:31.040 --> 0:00:35.760 But somehow we feel safe if we think we're controlling things, 0:00:35.760 --> 0:00:39.960 But what we're actually doing is making ourselves crazy. So 0:00:40.360 --> 0:00:42.400 much of the day and so much of our energy 0:00:42.840 --> 0:00:47.360 is wasted on trying to make other people do things 0:00:47.360 --> 0:00:51.159 we want them to do, or for situations to be 0:00:51.200 --> 0:00:52.320 different than what they are. 0:00:52.960 --> 0:00:55.240 And I have worked and. 0:00:55.200 --> 0:00:57.880 Will continue to work on trying to just accept what 0:00:58.080 --> 0:01:01.000 is right and the only thing we can control is 0:01:01.040 --> 0:01:06.280 how we respond, and that is intellectually very simple to understand, 0:01:06.480 --> 0:01:10.000 but putting that into practice is a whole other set 0:01:10.280 --> 0:01:15.479 of problems. DJ, how are you on not wasting your 0:01:15.600 --> 0:01:19.600 energy trying to control things that you can't control. 0:01:19.680 --> 0:01:21.560 Oh no, I'm I'm in I'm in full control of 0:01:21.600 --> 0:01:23.200 everything going around on around me. 0:01:23.480 --> 0:01:25.360 Full control like on the subway today. 0:01:25.640 --> 0:01:28.600 Total control. Yeah, I was in control of this podcast 0:01:28.640 --> 0:01:31.319 even and said you needed to start it. Total control. 0:01:31.600 --> 0:01:34.000 I'm in control of everything that's around you. 0:01:34.160 --> 0:01:35.120 That's amazing like that. 0:01:35.200 --> 0:01:36.120 Yeah, total control? 0:01:36.520 --> 0:01:38.759 Yeah, total what's what's your delusional life? 0:01:38.840 --> 0:01:38.960 Like? 0:01:39.160 --> 0:01:41.600 Delusional? Oh no, no, no, no no no no no no no, 0:01:41.959 --> 0:01:45.440 it's here's the thing. I actually you know this. I 0:01:45.440 --> 0:01:48.760 have a tattoo on my right arm that it's one 0:01:48.760 --> 0:01:50.320 of my favorite and the simplest. That might be the 0:01:50.400 --> 0:01:53.240 quickest that I've of all my tattoos that I ever 0:01:53.240 --> 0:01:56.800 had done, and it simply says surrender. And I struggle 0:01:56.800 --> 0:01:59.840 in moments sometimes and you just the way you end 0:02:00.120 --> 0:02:02.920 up feeling when you're stressed, Oh God, a good day, 0:02:02.960 --> 0:02:05.480 da da day, And once you just say the hell 0:02:05.480 --> 0:02:07.320 with it is gonna be what it's gonna be. Wow, 0:02:07.480 --> 0:02:11.640 it's amazing. Yes, how life and joy and the weight 0:02:11.760 --> 0:02:14.919 is lifted. And it is hard to put in practice, 0:02:15.400 --> 0:02:17.600 but with a little training, and yes, I too have 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:19.120 gotten better at that. 0:02:19.639 --> 0:02:22.960 I have been obsessed with a podcaster. 0:02:23.240 --> 0:02:25.440 Many of you may know who she is, and she's 0:02:25.480 --> 0:02:27.160 an author, but she's got a book coming out. But 0:02:27.200 --> 0:02:30.040 I'm talking about Mel Robbins, and she has put this 0:02:30.200 --> 0:02:33.120 theory in my head and she's writing a book about it, 0:02:33.160 --> 0:02:35.320 and it's called let Them. And so when I get 0:02:35.360 --> 0:02:37.320 frustrated or I want things to be different, or I 0:02:37.320 --> 0:02:40.040 want someone to do something differently, or to respond to 0:02:40.040 --> 0:02:42.800 me in a different way, or to say something that 0:02:42.960 --> 0:02:45.840 they haven't said, I just say let them. And if 0:02:45.919 --> 0:02:48.680 you just say those two words, all of a sudden 0:02:48.919 --> 0:02:54.520 you realize I'm acknowledging that I don't have control right now, 0:02:54.800 --> 0:02:58.280 and acknowledging that. It's amazing how your whole body will 0:02:58.320 --> 0:03:02.079 just relax because you really lies, there's nothing you can 0:03:02.120 --> 0:03:06.400 do to change it, and the only person you're hurting 0:03:06.919 --> 0:03:11.040 is yourself. Right you get all stressed out, I'll get 0:03:11.040 --> 0:03:15.800 a headache, I'll feel just my heart will start just 0:03:16.080 --> 0:03:19.600 beating quickly. You know, all those feelings of just stress. 0:03:19.680 --> 0:03:21.320 Stress is being out of control? 0:03:21.880 --> 0:03:25.200 How do you think I handle that? What you're describing there? 0:03:25.400 --> 0:03:27.400 And again I said I can speak on me, but 0:03:27.520 --> 0:03:30.440 I'm saying for an observer. I guess this would be 0:03:30.480 --> 0:03:34.680 an accurate I'm more honest for the listener at least. 0:03:34.720 --> 0:03:38.000 How do you think ideal in what you are describing? 0:03:38.040 --> 0:03:40.560 How would you say, I am and trying to control 0:03:40.680 --> 0:03:41.280 things around me. 0:03:41.520 --> 0:03:44.320 You get very in your head, you get very quiet, 0:03:44.920 --> 0:03:49.560 you pace, you get antsy, you start cleaning, and you 0:03:49.600 --> 0:03:53.040 start saying to yourself, I believe this is my observation. 0:03:53.680 --> 0:03:56.040 I can't control anything that's happening right now, and I'm 0:03:56.080 --> 0:03:57.280 really frustrated by it. 0:03:57.480 --> 0:04:00.280 So I'm gonna do what I can control, which is 0:04:00.320 --> 0:04:00.800 to clean. 0:04:01.320 --> 0:04:04.160 And I get that because I have that tendency as well. 0:04:04.200 --> 0:04:07.680 But you I've never actually seen it in a man, 0:04:09.440 --> 0:04:10.720 which I appreciate. 0:04:11.640 --> 0:04:13.720 Laughter from the room. Why is that a thing? What 0:04:13.840 --> 0:04:16.240 the way? Whoa what is that? I can't. 0:04:17.480 --> 0:04:20.080 Most men will like, I don't know, go do something else. 0:04:20.120 --> 0:04:23.479 I would think, like go jump in their car and 0:04:23.680 --> 0:04:27.440 drive off, or you know, I don't know, chop some wood, 0:04:27.920 --> 0:04:29.320 you clean wood? 0:04:30.720 --> 0:04:35.040 Sorry, I left my axe in my other apartment. What 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:36.520 are you talking about? 0:04:37.000 --> 0:04:39.400 I know, but I related to you on that. But 0:04:39.440 --> 0:04:40.160 I actually know. 0:04:40.480 --> 0:04:43.120 When I see you start going into like you've got 0:04:43.160 --> 0:04:45.000 the scrubber and the soft scrub and you are like 0:04:45.040 --> 0:04:47.240 in the tub like scrubbing, I'm like. 0:04:47.240 --> 0:04:52.279 Oh he is, oh shit is just right now. He's 0:04:52.320 --> 0:04:53.040 working through it. 0:04:53.200 --> 0:04:54.200 He's working through it. 0:04:55.120 --> 0:04:57.279 That's how you He's got the index and the soft 0:04:57.279 --> 0:04:59.720 scrub out. You better this guy. 0:05:00.200 --> 0:05:00.640 Oh no, the. 0:05:00.680 --> 0:05:01.600 Vacuum cleaner's coming out. 0:05:01.600 --> 0:05:04.760 Oh no, But I know when you feel out of control, 0:05:04.800 --> 0:05:05.400 that's what you do. 0:05:05.560 --> 0:05:08.600 What about me? What do you see me doing? Spiral? 0:05:09.200 --> 0:05:13.920 You spiral when things aren't going. Oh my goodness, Grace's sweetheart. 0:05:14.480 --> 0:05:18.240 You say it, and this drives me, It doesn't dry me. 0:05:18.400 --> 0:05:21.279 It's fascinating to see. And I've done this to you 0:05:21.360 --> 0:05:25.800 a bunch of times. I have used your tutelage that 0:05:25.920 --> 0:05:29.120 you've given me to survive some of the worst moments 0:05:29.160 --> 0:05:32.320 of my life the past five years or so, I 0:05:32.440 --> 0:05:36.599 use them against you. I actually say, hey, sweetheart, you 0:05:36.680 --> 0:05:38.960 need to settle, you need to center. Nothing you can 0:05:39.000 --> 0:05:41.680 do about it. It's fine, It's gonna be okay, sweetheart. 0:05:41.680 --> 0:05:43.600 We still got the whole deck. Don't ruin. I have 0:05:43.760 --> 0:05:46.160 given you so many of those things, throwing them right 0:05:46.200 --> 0:05:48.320 back on your face, and I've seen you go you 0:05:48.440 --> 0:05:51.839 completely adjust. Just a little reminder, it's so hard to 0:05:51.960 --> 0:05:55.160 do it ourselves, to implement those things that we know 0:05:55.200 --> 0:05:57.159 are the right thing to do. And certainly in the moment, 0:05:57.520 --> 0:05:59.839 you have taught me that, and I have been working 0:06:00.200 --> 0:06:02.320 tirelessly for years on that thing. 0:06:02.440 --> 0:06:05.279 It's interesting you you have and it does work when 0:06:05.320 --> 0:06:09.359 I am reminded. I know what the right thing to 0:06:09.400 --> 0:06:11.360 do is or the right way to respond is. And 0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:14.320 sometimes I just if you just say, ropes, this is 0:06:14.440 --> 0:06:17.760 nothing like. This is a drop in the bucket, you know, 0:06:17.920 --> 0:06:19.719 and just a little bit of perspective and I and 0:06:19.800 --> 0:06:22.280 I can switch it back off and go. You know what, 0:06:22.279 --> 0:06:26.000 you're right When you're cleaning and you're in that headspace, 0:06:26.279 --> 0:06:27.760 I don't know what to say to you because I 0:06:27.760 --> 0:06:28.839 don't want to make it worse. 0:06:30.800 --> 0:06:33.560 You're supposed to say, come here, baby. 0:06:34.640 --> 0:06:38.400 Well I do always try to. You know, it's stopping. 0:06:39.600 --> 0:06:42.239 Right when you're when you're in your in your cleaning frenzy. 0:06:42.279 --> 0:06:44.880 I don't think so no, but no, But what would 0:06:44.920 --> 0:06:45.880 you want to hear in that moment? 0:06:46.000 --> 0:06:47.960 Nothing? Do you want space? I feel like you want 0:06:48.000 --> 0:06:49.000 space in those moments. 0:06:49.240 --> 0:06:52.080 I don't want space. You know what I absolutely don't want. 0:06:52.640 --> 0:06:54.640 And you know what's about to come out of my mouth. 0:06:54.720 --> 0:06:58.280 I don't want to have to educate someone on how 0:06:58.320 --> 0:07:01.640 to comfort me in a moment of frustration and pain. 0:07:02.520 --> 0:07:04.600 And that's very difficult to do. And I know that's 0:07:04.640 --> 0:07:05.280 on me, but. 0:07:05.240 --> 0:07:07.479 Everyone's different, so it's hard to know. 0:07:07.839 --> 0:07:09.600 But you know me better than anybody. 0:07:10.040 --> 0:07:11.320 I don't know the answer to that thought. 0:07:11.360 --> 0:07:14.240 Well that's the sweetheart. We we have a much bigger 0:07:14.240 --> 0:07:18.520 examination of this relationship to do. Wow, I'm just kidding, 0:07:18.560 --> 0:07:22.560 baby Jesus. Everybody got It's true. 0:07:22.320 --> 0:07:24.480 Though, because I said I help, you're like, I don't 0:07:24.480 --> 0:07:25.800 want to have to tell you how to help me. 0:07:26.040 --> 0:07:28.720 But I actually haven't figured that out yet. 0:07:28.760 --> 0:07:30.200 You haven't after all this time. 0:07:30.280 --> 0:07:33.320 And I think what I've what I think you because 0:07:33.360 --> 0:07:36.000 everyone's different, but I think you need a little space. 0:07:36.440 --> 0:07:37.800 I think you need a little. 0:07:37.920 --> 0:07:42.080 Space and I trust, like I'm trusting you that you've 0:07:42.120 --> 0:07:45.640 got this. If there's anything that I could do to help, 0:07:45.720 --> 0:07:48.240 I would, but I think it would just feel maybe 0:07:48.280 --> 0:07:49.440 even patronizing to you. 0:07:49.800 --> 0:07:53.200 That's on me as well, because I am somebody who 0:07:53.240 --> 0:07:56.640 sits in this this seat of well, if it's going 0:07:56.680 --> 0:07:58.480 to get done, I have to do it. I don't 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:01.080 depend on anybody. That's a problem. I know this is me, 0:08:01.680 --> 0:08:04.360 but that is something I am not good at at all. 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:07.239 Is expecting help. 0:08:08.280 --> 0:08:09.640 What about receiving help? 0:08:10.680 --> 0:08:16.000 Okay, fine, but I don't ever when I'm cleaning or whatever, 0:08:16.080 --> 0:08:17.640 and you're wondering how to help me. I don't have 0:08:17.680 --> 0:08:19.520 an expectation that I'm going to get help, that I'm 0:08:19.520 --> 0:08:22.720 going to get any lifeline to get out of what 0:08:22.840 --> 0:08:25.960 I am, of the place I'm in. I don't. I 0:08:26.040 --> 0:08:27.520 just and you know that, and that's not a good 0:08:27.800 --> 0:08:30.040 way to be. I know that as well. But I 0:08:30.080 --> 0:08:33.160 am that I do struggle, and that's why sometimes something 0:08:33.200 --> 0:08:35.840 goes on. It takes TJ. He needs forty eight hours 0:08:36.320 --> 0:08:38.800 to be okay, have gotten better at that. We got 0:08:38.800 --> 0:08:40.240 it down to maybe forty two hours. 0:08:40.280 --> 0:08:41.400 I thought it was like twenty four hours. 0:08:41.440 --> 0:08:45.080 Okay, we'll get better, even better. But yeah, I don't 0:08:45.120 --> 0:08:48.080 know how to get out of that. So back to 0:08:48.400 --> 0:08:51.840 we were talking, you're the wasting of the energy to 0:08:51.840 --> 0:08:56.719 try to control things. I would say you waste more 0:08:56.800 --> 0:08:59.000 energy than I do trying to control things. 0:08:59.200 --> 0:09:02.000 I might I would say that I waste more energy, 0:09:02.200 --> 0:09:05.360 maybe more explosive energy in the moment. 0:09:05.559 --> 0:09:06.520 You might waste more. 0:09:06.440 --> 0:09:09.280 Time explosive energy. 0:09:09.440 --> 0:09:11.680 Like I feel like it's more like all at once 0:09:11.720 --> 0:09:14.920 and then I'm over it. Like where I'm frustrated, you 0:09:15.240 --> 0:09:17.280 will like seethe. 0:09:17.720 --> 0:09:18.560 For like a while. 0:09:18.640 --> 0:09:21.280 I don't seethe, sweetheart, come on now. Seething is a 0:09:21.280 --> 0:09:22.760 strong quiet. 0:09:22.400 --> 0:09:26.960 Seething, a quiet seaton when you go when you withdraw, Okay, 0:09:26.960 --> 0:09:29.360 that is so, I won't call it seizing. 0:09:29.440 --> 0:09:29.800 I do that. 0:09:29.880 --> 0:09:32.079 But when you're out of control, or you feel like 0:09:32.120 --> 0:09:34.480 you can't control things that are happening that you're frustrated by, 0:09:34.800 --> 0:09:36.640 you withdraw, Okay, but you. 0:09:36.480 --> 0:09:39.440 Go full teddy swams and set the bed on fire 0:09:39.920 --> 0:09:42.480 and is short lived. No, yeah, but the bed is 0:09:42.520 --> 0:09:46.040 on fire? Is the thing like, ah, yeah, it's a 0:09:46.280 --> 0:09:49.319 it's a it's a four long fire. But I'm a 0:09:49.400 --> 0:09:51.560 dump some water in here. And if that's not how 0:09:51.600 --> 0:09:55.520 I roll yours is? It is explosive? Yes, you do, 0:09:55.760 --> 0:09:59.199 and I'm impressed you get over it. I really really quickly. 0:09:58.920 --> 0:09:59.760 Because I get it out. 0:10:00.559 --> 0:10:04.360 Yeah, in explosive ways, Andy, is what she's saying here. 0:10:04.679 --> 0:10:06.880 But can you please Andy, help us with this. You 0:10:07.240 --> 0:10:09.559 have several I think you have ten on this list 0:10:09.840 --> 0:10:12.880 of ways people? Can you explained what the list is? Again, 0:10:13.000 --> 0:10:14.720 we've been talking here so long I forgot what it was. 0:10:15.840 --> 0:10:18.920 This list comes from Bold. It's a list of what 0:10:18.920 --> 0:10:22.000 you're wasting your energy on and uh, not being able 0:10:22.040 --> 0:10:22.880 to control these things. 0:10:22.920 --> 0:10:25.239 We just weighs a lot of energy even talking about. 0:10:25.320 --> 0:10:27.679 Well, I'm hoping that people listening can relate either to 0:10:27.720 --> 0:10:30.079 me or to you. But because I do think we 0:10:30.160 --> 0:10:32.199 all have failures when it comes to this. 0:10:32.320 --> 0:10:34.600 Oh yeah, I'm terrible with all these things. There's ten 0:10:34.600 --> 0:10:37.760 of them, and I'm bad at all ten. So number 0:10:37.760 --> 0:10:40.040 one is holding onto your past mistakes. 0:10:40.480 --> 0:10:45.360 Yeah, yeah, that's actually been a really tough thing for me, 0:10:46.080 --> 0:10:49.840 and I've been really working hard on forgiving myself and 0:10:49.920 --> 0:10:53.000 letting it go and just learning from them. 0:10:54.080 --> 0:10:57.920 Uh, that's a tough one for me. I don't think, 0:10:58.040 --> 0:11:00.560 and again I ask for your help on this. I 0:11:00.559 --> 0:11:04.320 don't think I hold on to past mistakes a lot. 0:11:04.440 --> 0:11:07.920 I have to get passed and move Really, it's a 0:11:07.920 --> 0:11:10.640 again the training, I to call it training, but you 0:11:10.720 --> 0:11:12.200 know what I mean. I'm just kind of been working 0:11:12.240 --> 0:11:14.400 on getting better at a bunch of things. But the 0:11:14.480 --> 0:11:19.760 idea that I'm holding myself like, I'm always feeling as 0:11:19.800 --> 0:11:22.800 if I'm a you know, too often I've listened to 0:11:22.800 --> 0:11:26.080 others about who I am. I listen to other people 0:11:26.240 --> 0:11:28.360 define me, and I'm thinking, well, maybe I am that, 0:11:28.440 --> 0:11:30.760 Maybe I am, and nobody knows me better than me. 0:11:30.880 --> 0:11:32.760 So why am I listening to anybody else or that 0:11:32.880 --> 0:11:37.720 idea of holding on to something in my past. I 0:11:37.760 --> 0:11:40.439 screwed up. I screwed up a bunch and I know that, 0:11:41.320 --> 0:11:44.040 but I try. I don't think I do a terrible 0:11:44.160 --> 0:11:46.240 job and hold on to a lot of that stuff. 0:11:46.280 --> 0:11:48.040 I don't think as a mother, I do. 0:11:48.320 --> 0:11:51.800 I get a lot of guilt in my head about 0:11:52.160 --> 0:11:54.880 how I could have done better, and I'm working on 0:11:56.000 --> 0:11:58.560 not feeling guilty about past mistakes. 0:11:58.640 --> 0:12:00.520 Okay, you have two wonderful kids. One of them is 0:12:00.520 --> 0:12:02.720 about to graduate from NYU. The other one was studying 0:12:02.720 --> 0:12:07.360 abroad in Spain before she goes to Boulder with great grades. 0:12:07.520 --> 0:12:10.560 So I don't, Yeah, you need to work on your mother. 0:12:11.360 --> 0:12:12.520 What's the number two? 0:12:13.400 --> 0:12:17.120 Number two is saying yes to everyone but yourself. 0:12:19.080 --> 0:12:21.720 I've gotten way better at this, but I have been 0:12:22.280 --> 0:12:24.400 terrible at that for a long time. 0:12:24.840 --> 0:12:27.480 I've been good at this forever. I mean, I just 0:12:27.600 --> 0:12:30.520 there is no that's you know, that's one of my things. 0:12:30.559 --> 0:12:33.600 I just no, You've always been good at saying no. 0:12:34.520 --> 0:12:36.760 Yeah, I just I have no problem. I don't owe 0:12:36.760 --> 0:12:39.000 anybody anything. I am forty seven years old. 0:12:39.000 --> 0:12:40.280 Now have you always been like that? 0:12:40.679 --> 0:12:43.040 I think I might have what's the thing in Your 0:12:43.200 --> 0:12:46.400 success in life is based on what In your twenties, 0:12:46.400 --> 0:12:49.760 your success is based on things you say yes yes too. 0:12:50.200 --> 0:12:52.840 And then in your thirties and forties, your success is 0:12:52.840 --> 0:12:55.520 based on things you say no to. And I have 0:12:55.559 --> 0:12:57.520 been very comfortable in that space for a long time, 0:12:57.640 --> 0:12:59.800 not even stressed. Don't have an expectator like I don't 0:12:59.840 --> 0:13:03.240 oh you anything. You have to say no. If we didn't, 0:13:04.000 --> 0:13:06.600 so heart, we would be even more exhausted than we are. 0:13:06.760 --> 0:13:09.280 Yeah, that's true, all right. 0:13:09.360 --> 0:13:11.960 Number three is dwelling on the what ifs. 0:13:13.040 --> 0:13:15.959 So yes, this has been a lot of work on 0:13:16.440 --> 0:13:21.040 my and I always look back and say, don't say 0:13:21.040 --> 0:13:24.280 what if, and don't say if only, and don't say 0:13:24.440 --> 0:13:28.240 should have, could have, would have. Those are all very 0:13:28.880 --> 0:13:31.400 damaging things to say to yourself because you can't undo 0:13:31.480 --> 0:13:35.120 what happened. You can't change what happened. And maybe all 0:13:35.240 --> 0:13:37.800 of those things happened because you needed. 0:13:37.559 --> 0:13:38.400 To learn something. 0:13:38.480 --> 0:13:40.679 So that's where I always go in my head. If 0:13:40.679 --> 0:13:43.480 I start saying what if, if only, I say, wait 0:13:43.480 --> 0:13:46.040 a minute, what did I learn? And that is my 0:13:46.120 --> 0:13:48.520 way out of that crazy headspace. 0:13:48.679 --> 0:13:51.800 My only two things I've said, what if about I'm 0:13:51.840 --> 0:13:55.560 not a regret guy, but two regrets or two what 0:13:55.679 --> 0:13:59.000 ifs that I struggle with one? What if I continued 0:13:59.000 --> 0:14:02.320 playing football? That sounds crazy, but in junior high I 0:14:02.440 --> 0:14:05.079 was a better football player than a basketball player. But 0:14:05.120 --> 0:14:07.880 I was able to go on in basketball and get 0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:11.000 some scholarship offers and even dabbled in basketball at the 0:14:11.080 --> 0:14:13.320 University of Arkansas. I was a pretty good basketball player. 0:14:13.480 --> 0:14:15.760 I always wondered, what if I stuck with football? What 0:14:15.840 --> 0:14:18.120 if I but I broke my ankle and you know me, 0:14:18.880 --> 0:14:22.360 I'm out. That's the wrap. Ninth grade broke my ankle, 0:14:22.480 --> 0:14:26.240 true story, broke my ankle done, I'm over, no more football. 0:14:26.520 --> 0:14:30.800 The other thing, you know, sweetheart? The what if? There 0:14:30.880 --> 0:14:34.760 is one? What if? That? Still maybe once a week 0:14:34.800 --> 0:14:40.160 comes to mind. Wow, what if I had announced to 0:14:40.240 --> 0:14:43.640 the public in August of twenty twenty two that I 0:14:43.680 --> 0:14:47.800 was getting a divorce. What if I went ahead and 0:14:47.960 --> 0:14:53.000 told everybody in August of twenty twenty two that I 0:14:53.240 --> 0:14:56.160 was no longer in a relationship, in a marriage, just 0:14:56.200 --> 0:15:00.360 put that out there, and then in August of twenty two, 0:15:00.360 --> 0:15:01.360 I didn't know I was gonna end up in a 0:15:01.360 --> 0:15:04.120 relationship with you, so then months later I did, and 0:15:04.160 --> 0:15:07.200 people would have found out. It wouldn't have been startling. 0:15:07.240 --> 0:15:09.320 It would have been something that the tabloids could try 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:12.080 to exploit and take advantage of. It wasn't have been 0:15:12.080 --> 0:15:15.760 an issue where the people who then you know, did 0:15:15.920 --> 0:15:18.920 intentionally put that out to make it sound bad. They 0:15:18.960 --> 0:15:22.000 wouldn't have had that option. So I that is my 0:15:22.080 --> 0:15:25.040 one if that. I still struggle with, what if? Where? 0:15:25.200 --> 0:15:27.600 How life would have been different if I'd have put 0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:30.040 it out that I was divorced and this never wouldn't 0:15:30.040 --> 0:15:32.800 have been something that a tabloid and the people who 0:15:32.840 --> 0:15:36.120 told the tabloid were able to exploit. That is when 0:15:36.160 --> 0:15:36.960 I still struggle with. 0:15:37.080 --> 0:15:39.720 I get that, and I think the lesson learned from 0:15:39.760 --> 0:15:42.000 that that I have learned and you have learned the 0:15:42.040 --> 0:15:50.120 hard way is transparency is key to communication and to understanding. 0:15:50.520 --> 0:15:53.520 And you can get into a mindset of thinking that 0:15:53.640 --> 0:15:58.600 you don't owe anybody anything, but that's where confusion takes place. 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:00.800 And if you don't speak, some one's going to speak 0:16:00.840 --> 0:16:01.160 for you. 0:16:01.440 --> 0:16:04.600 And so those are lessons that I think we both 0:16:04.680 --> 0:16:08.320 learned during that time. So what if is good in 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:11.160 a reflective way if you can learn how to act 0:16:11.160 --> 0:16:12.680 differently in the future. 0:16:13.240 --> 0:16:16.040 So, folks, we are giving you ways to try to 0:16:16.080 --> 0:16:20.640 stop wasting your energy to control certain things in your life. 0:16:20.640 --> 0:16:22.680 We will continue with that list in just a moment, 0:16:22.840 --> 0:16:25.280 but before we go, give us a little tease here, Andy, 0:16:25.320 --> 0:16:28.400 what's coming up on this list. We've only gone through three. 0:16:28.440 --> 0:16:31.160 We have several more to go, So going into the break, here, 0:16:31.280 --> 0:16:33.080 give us a little tease of what we can expect. 0:16:33.320 --> 0:16:35.320 Oh, next break, you're going to hear about the fear 0:16:35.320 --> 0:16:38.600 of failing, maybe overthinking a couple of decisions, and the 0:16:38.600 --> 0:16:39.440 fear of judgment. 0:16:39.600 --> 0:16:41.320 All right, there you have it, folks, will be right back. 0:16:50.760 --> 0:16:51.720 Welcome back everyone. 0:16:51.880 --> 0:16:55.720 We are talking about something that I believe all of 0:16:55.800 --> 0:17:00.560 us can relate to, trying to control things that we 0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:05.720 cannot actually control, and wasting so much energy, so much emotion, 0:17:06.000 --> 0:17:11.160 so much time on things that we actually can't change. 0:17:11.320 --> 0:17:14.120 So we are working our way down a list which 0:17:14.160 --> 0:17:17.320 is fantastic in terms of finding ways to do better 0:17:17.359 --> 0:17:17.920 and to be better. 0:17:17.960 --> 0:17:19.360 Andy, where are we were at number four? 0:17:19.560 --> 0:17:20.080 Number four? 0:17:20.280 --> 0:17:23.479 And one thing to stop wasting your energy on is 0:17:23.520 --> 0:17:24.400 the fear of failing. 0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:29.359 Oh, I so so agree with this. I actually haven't 0:17:29.359 --> 0:17:32.640 had this problem. I have failed many many times. And 0:17:32.680 --> 0:17:37.399 I whether it's running a marathon or climbing a mountain 0:17:37.400 --> 0:17:42.400 and not getting to the top, or going out and saying, hey, 0:17:42.440 --> 0:17:45.199 I want to be this in life and just setting 0:17:45.240 --> 0:17:48.720 expectations for myself that might be far and above what's possible, 0:17:48.760 --> 0:17:51.439 but knowing that if I don't set them there, I 0:17:51.480 --> 0:17:54.040 won't get anywhere near. So I have failed so many 0:17:54.040 --> 0:17:56.760 times in my life, starting falling off of off the 0:17:56.760 --> 0:17:58.520 beam when I was a gymnast and getting back on 0:17:58.560 --> 0:17:59.479 it and doing it anyway. 0:17:59.640 --> 0:18:03.200 Yeah, that's when you learn, that's when you grow. Failure 0:18:03.359 --> 0:18:07.040 is a huge part of success for me. 0:18:07.160 --> 0:18:11.240 I actually kind of remember whose quote this was, but 0:18:11.280 --> 0:18:13.320 this is one I have. I picked this up very 0:18:13.320 --> 0:18:18.760 early in life. But the idea is most people fail 0:18:19.000 --> 0:18:21.680 because they didn't realize how close they were to success 0:18:21.720 --> 0:18:25.399 when they decided to quit. And so that's it doesn't 0:18:25.520 --> 0:18:27.360 matter if it's not going well. If it's not going 0:18:27.440 --> 0:18:30.600 tomorrow might be the day. Right, six people turned us 0:18:30.600 --> 0:18:32.399 down for this. Tomorrow is going to be the seventh. 0:18:32.440 --> 0:18:34.399 We have a meeting, and that's going to be the one. 0:18:34.480 --> 0:18:38.840 So that this is one you have to You cannot 0:18:38.840 --> 0:18:41.800 be afraid to fail. If you do, what's the point. 0:18:42.119 --> 0:18:45.560 What's the point of just being a valedictorian and following rules? 0:18:46.320 --> 0:18:49.040 And I use that example. There are studies out there 0:18:49.040 --> 0:18:51.480 that show valedictorians do fine in life, but they don't 0:18:51.480 --> 0:18:53.760 break any rules, they don't do anything different. They can 0:18:54.040 --> 0:18:57.200 handle a task. But the wildly successful people are the 0:18:57.240 --> 0:18:59.520 ones willing to take a risk, willing to fail, willing 0:18:59.560 --> 0:19:02.320 to take all these chances. And so that's not one 0:19:02.400 --> 0:19:04.000 I necessarily think I struggle with. 0:19:04.080 --> 0:19:06.480 Yeah, same, I struggled with a lot of other. 0:19:06.359 --> 0:19:09.720 Things though, as you've made clear, and I failed a 0:19:09.760 --> 0:19:11.959 lot and I'm still here all right. 0:19:12.080 --> 0:19:14.800 Number five is clinging to your comfort zones. 0:19:15.600 --> 0:19:21.520 Hm hm, oh you know what this I am thinking 0:19:22.040 --> 0:19:25.480 career here, right, we were in jobs that we would 0:19:25.480 --> 0:19:28.080 never have left in all likelihood because it was what 0:19:28.840 --> 0:19:31.840 very comfortable, comfortable, It was safe, dare I say even 0:19:31.960 --> 0:19:35.440 it was it was easy to a certain degree relatively speaking. 0:19:35.480 --> 0:19:38.280 We knew how to do that thing and we were 0:19:38.400 --> 0:19:41.359 very comfortable where we were. So that's a that's a 0:19:41.800 --> 0:19:44.000 tough one. You cling to a comfort zone. I think 0:19:44.000 --> 0:19:45.720 in relationships oftentimes. 0:19:45.280 --> 0:19:47.360 I was going to say the same thing and cling too. 0:19:47.240 --> 0:19:49.359